# X-PATH 2 : The Forge of F.U.  (Completed 15 April 2005)



## Capellan (Jan 30, 2005)

*1 : The Boys Are Back In Town*

The 70-storey headquarters of GPE International loomed over the Las Vegas skyline.  Though topped with neon lights over twenty feet high, the building itself was like a black monolith.  Every surface was constructed of one-way glass, dark and featureless.

Johnson's office was on the 67th floor.  Above him were only power systems, computers, satellite relays, and the massive GPE sign.  More than seven hundred feet below him were the General's chambers: the place that GPE Employees only half-jokingly called 'The Crypt'.

He stared at the five people in his office and silently wished he could crunch down a couple of painkillers.  God, he hated dealing with 'talent'.

"Why were we summoned, Mr Johnson?" The Mormon, Smith, asked.  He wore a powder-blue suit with a white carnation. "I had to depart my wedding reception in order to attend this meeting."  He raised his hand, showing the five rings that gleamed on his finger.

"The General's decided to give you five another chance." Johnson announced. "Sales of the laser disc of your last mission are still strong, four months after release.  Despite your earlier ... misdemeanours ... it makes economic sense to give you another assignment."

"The King smiles on our endeavours." The one named Floyd agreed, through a mouthful of bacon double-cheeseburger.  Smears of grease made multi-coloured smears on his rhinestone bodysuit.

The boy in the _Elektra Lives Again_ t-shirt scratched himself through his jeans, then wiped his nose with the back of his hand.

"An assignment?  Now?  I'd love to go, only I've got this flu coming on.  I wouldn't want to infect anyone -"

"Participation is _not_ optional." Johnson folded his hands and glared at all five of them. "You're all one step from being thrown out of the company.  Failure to follow instructions in this instance will lead to your termination."

"So like, if we do this -" the mini-skirted blonde snapped her gum, "we'll be on, like, TV and stuff?"

"Yes." Johnson resisted the urge to bang his head on the desk, "You'll be on TV.  And on magazine covers, lunch boxes, comic books, all the usual merchandise."

Fabio flexed his muscles.

"What all is the job?" Floyd belched and took a long slurp of Cherry Cola.

"We've found directions to a previously unknown complex.  The specifics are a little vague, but it's situated within a mountain named Khundrukar.  Since we don't have the exact co-ordinates, we'll gate you in at the nearest town: a place called Brindinsford.  From there, you'll have to make your own way to the complex, find your way in, and find out if there's anything worth filming in there.  If there is, you can consider yourself in a fully-sanctioned match.  Usual bonus rates will apply for any creatures killed in the match area - anywhere in the complex."

"What about the villagers?" the blonde crossed her legs with complete disregard for the shortness of her skirt.

"They aren't in a game zone.  You won't be paid for killing them."

"But we can if we want to?"

Johnson sighed,

"Try to remember that until you locate the complex and we get a gate fix on it, you will have to rely on the locals for supplies."

"When do we depart?" Smith asked.

"Tomorrow morning at nine." Johnson tossed five plastic tags onto the desk, "Gate Room 49.  Don't be late."


*   *   *


"They're going?"

"Yes, sir." Johnson resisted the urge to shift nervously under the old man's gaze.

"Then we're all set."

"Yes, sir."

"Don't take that route with me, Johnson.  Unlike those youngsters, I can tell when I'm bein' lied to.  You don't think them boys can do it?"

"I'm sure they can handle the complex, sir.  It's just ..."

"Spit it out, son!"

"Well ... they're not very bright, sir."

"Don't take 'em too lightly, Johnson." The General hacked out a dry laugh, "They got a low cunning, these boys.  Kinda like the Reds.  They'll do what we need 'em too, or my name ain't George S. Patton."


*   *   *


"Like, what's the matter now?" Beverley Hills-Hilton flounced to a stop in a whirl of expensive perfume and microscopic clothing.

"Simon's stopped again." Floyd sat down on the narrow mountain track, resting his back against the stone cliff-face.  He pulled a jar of peanut butter out of his vest and dug two fingers inside.  Thrusting them into his mouth, he talked through the sticky brown sandwich spread, "Smith's talkin' to him."

"The skanky old bigamist?" Bev wrinkled her nose, "Like anyone'd listen to him." Somehow sure-footed in her six-inch heels, she walked back toward the arguing pair.

"This is the third time you've stopped since we started up the mountain, Mr Ninja." Smith leaned over Simon.  The boy had changed into a _Public Enemy_ t-shirt.

"Homes, I keep tellin' you Ninja ain't my name, it's my _title_." Simon made strange signs with his hands, then - as if realising they were wrong - changed them. "Just call me "Super-Ninja."

"What's the problem?" Bev snapped her gum.

"It's my asthma." Simon brandished an inhaler like it was a weapon, "This mountain's steep, homes.  I gotta stop and rest."

"Yeah?  This oughta perk you up." Bev yanked up her shirt.

Simon goggled. 

Immediately, she grabbed the inhaler and threw it off the mountain.

"Woah!  What are you doing?  I could die without that!"

"You could die if we threw your pimply little butt after it, too." Bev gave him her brightest smile, "Couldn't we, Bigamy-Boy?" She turned toward Smith, and sighed. "Oh for god's sake, take your hands away from your eyes.  I've got my goodies covered again."

"You are a sinful woman." The Mormon told her severely.

"Right, like you never saw a pair, Mr Four-Wives-Wasn't-Enough.  Who do you think you are, Derek Flint?" Bev turned her attention back to Simon, "Look, if we get to the top of the path without you stopping again, I'll give you another look at my rack.  Deal?"

Lust warred briefly with laziness.  In a 16-year old boy, there could be only one result.

"Deal."


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## Peterson (Jan 30, 2005)

Now, *THAT* was a good beginning.  Nice and firm.  Supple even.

  

Way to start the storyhour!

Peterson


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## Dolza (Jan 30, 2005)

Ahh!  it warms my heart to hear more of the escapades of this crew!  

Now, if only i could get my group interested in something like this, I'd be laughing too hard to run the game!  

Keep up the good work guys!

dolza


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## BSF (Jan 31, 2005)

Woot!  

More X-Path.  Excellent.  And that Beverly, what a motivational um, speaker.  Yeah.


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## arwink (Jan 31, 2005)

BardStephenFox said:
			
		

> And that Beverly, what a motivational um, speaker.  Yeah.




The inclusion of Simon truly worked out to Beverly's advantage.  

For the first time, ever, Floyd and Mr. Smith weren't tempted to shoot her during the course of the adventure 

Simon on the other hand...


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## Seule (Jan 31, 2005)

Woohoo! Butt-kicking for Goodness!
Just to be clear, does this actually use the X-Crawl rules?


--Seule


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## Tanager (Jan 31, 2005)

woohoo another Capellan story hour!


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## darkbard (Feb 1, 2005)

fantastic!  i mean, "woohoo".  glad to see the lads (and ms. hills-hilton, of course) back for part 2 of the the adventure path.


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## arwink (Feb 1, 2005)

Seule said:
			
		

> Just to be clear, does this actually use the X-Crawl rules?




Not really.  Cap drew some inspiritation from the setting, but the various stats and feats for guns are more or less homebrewed or improvised at the gametable.  Cap's without regular internet access at the moment, so he's not really available to repost them here, but I'm fairly sure they were attached as a download to the old thread.

I do know that you're not allowed to play Wizards (Too wimpy) or druids (lousy tree-lover hippies), but everything else is fair game.  A lot of the gun feats are analogues of existing feats in d20, but are only usuable with guns.  frex, the "Hong Kong Style" feat favored by Simon is basically two weapon fighting, but only usuable with light pistols.

Both of Floyds domains are homebrewed, as are the next couple of feats he'll be taking when Capellan returns from Boston and runs this again ('Cuase every cleric needs a fat elvis feat chain...)

The setting is fairly mired in an alternate version of the 80s.


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## Dungannon (Feb 2, 2005)

Which character are you playing again, Arwink?


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## arwink (Feb 2, 2005)

Floyd Anderson, loyal follwer of the king and righteous cleric of rock and roll


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## Capellan (Feb 8, 2005)

*2 : Knockin' On Heaven's Door*

"Wark hate guard duty." Wark observed.  Thark grunted, which Wark took as encouragement to continue, "It cold out here.  And there no booze.  Wark hate it."

"Ulfe say guard." Thark scratched himself vigorously, "What Ulfe say, Orc do ... unless Orc want head on spike and body in stew-pot.  Thark not want that.  Wark not want either, less Wark even dumber Orc than Wark look."

Wark bared his teeth,

"Wark smart Orc!  Thark better keep gob shut or Wark shut it for Thark."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"_Yeah?_"

"_Yeah!_"

There was no telling how long this enlightened exchange of views would have continued, but it was around that moment that Thark's head exploded.

"Guh?"

As last words go, Wark's weren't the most eloquent.  Of course, it's difficult to be pithy when someone just cut you in half with a shotgun blast.


*   *   *


"_Yo!_" Simon said in satisfaction, twirling his Beretta around his finger, "Did you see the way I capped that first dude?  That was some Ninja stylin'."

"You have a very small gun." Fabio observed.

"They're both dead, and that's what counts." Floyd blew the smoke away from the mouth of his shotgun and wandered up to prod one of the bodies with his boot. "Ugly lookin' sons o' bitches, ain't they?  Though some to think of it, I got me a cousin as looks a bit like this one on the left, here."

"What_ever_." Beverly looked up from filing her nails, "Like, can we carry on now?"

"We can." Smith confirmed, "The trail's got a switchback here, then it goes up some stairs."

"'afore we go on, Simon should search these here bodies." Floyd shouldered his weapon.

"Ninja!" Simon crouched beside the corpses.

"Ninja, search, whatever." Floyd glanced around, "Think there's any more o' these uglies?"

His question was answered by a hail of arrows.

"Arrow slits!" Smith pointed out the narrow cuts in the side of the mountain, previously overlooked by the five WCX employees, "Get up against the wall and they won't be able to see you!"  He then promptly ignored his own advice by charging up the mountain trail, and out of sight.

"Where all do you think he's going?" Floyd jammed his shotgun into an arrow slit and pulled the trigger.  He was rewarded by the wet sound of a body spreading itself over three times its usual volume.

"Only one way to find out." Beverly flounced up the stairs in Smith's wake, her miniskirt bouncing as she went.

"I see London, I see France, Bev's not wearing underp - ow!" Simon rubbed his ear and glared at Floyd, "What was that for?"

"Smith ain't here to do it, so ah'm fillin' in for him."

At that moment, the eponymous Smith shouted from further up the mountain,

"Found a door!"


*   *   *


Having yelled his discovery to the others, Smith thumbed the switch on his flashlight - which was taped to the barrel of his shotgun - and stepped through the half-open doors.

Beyond the doors lay a rectangular stone chamber.  A chasm some twenty feet wide split the room, the two sides linked only by a rickety bridge of rope and ageing wood.  Arrows zipped out of the darkness on the far side of the room, one scratching the flesh of Smith's arm.

"Onward Christian Soldiers!" the Mormon sang, racing across the bridge with complete disregard for its dubious quality of engineering.  His shotgun boomed, sparks flying in the darkness as the shell struck some boulders.  Two grey-skinned humanoids moved into sight as he cleared the end of the bridge, snatching up massive two-handed axes as they came.

"Cool, a bridge!" Beverly peeked her head inside.  She pulled out a flashlight of her own and peered over the side of the bridge.  Then, obeying a primal instinct of the young, she spat over the edge and watched her saliva plummet into the darkness.

"Git outta the way there, girl." Floyd stepped through the doors and peered across at the dimly illuminated Smith.  The Mormon's shotgun boomed again, but his target batted the barrel aside at the last moment, and the blast discharged into the ceiling. "Looks like Smith could do with some help.  Hear me, Oh King, and bring down upon these squares the _blue suede shoes o' doom_."

A glowing, sequinned boot appeared in the air above the melee, and immediately aimed a solid kick at the head of one of the creatures.

"Now is the time for heroes." Fabio intoned, after sneaking a glance at the pre-prepared list of dramatic lines he'd written on his arm.  He ran across the bridge and engaged one of the two grey-skinned humanoids.

"Ninja!" Simon vaulted across the bridge in Fabio's wake.

"I'll 'ninjure' him, in a minute." Floyd grumbled. "Come on, girl, let's get over there and help out."


*   *   *


"Five to two odds, Sir.  Looks like they have this fight sewn up."

"Don't bet on it, Johnson.  The battlefield is a fickle bitch."


*   *   *


Smith fired from the hip.  The shot was hurried, but the shotgun slug tore a shallow wound across the side of his opponent.  The grey-skinned humanoid roared its anger, swinging its axe in a massive overhead arc.

"God is with me." Smith stepped aside of the blow and raised his weapon for another shot.

Which is about the moment that the _other_ creature's axe smashed six of his ribs and lacerated his lung.

The Mormon swayed for a moment, staring in shock at the ruinous mess that was his chest, then he toppled face-first into a rapidly spreading pool of his own blood.

The last thing he heard was Beverly taking the Lord's name in vain,

"Jesus!  A bunch more of them just came in behind us!"


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## Peterson (Feb 8, 2005)

Capellan said:
			
		

> *   *   *
> 
> 
> "Five to two odds, Sir.  Looks like they have this fight sewn up."
> ...




Sweet mercy, he speaks the truth.  Nice cliffhanger as well.

Good to see another update!

Peterson


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## Graywolf-ELM (Feb 9, 2005)

How did I miss this?  Was this played out before you came to the US?

Looking forward to more.

GW


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## arwink (Feb 9, 2005)

Graywolf-ELM said:
			
		

> How did I miss this?  Was this played out before you came to the US?




Nope.  The US released him back into the wild for a few weeks around Christmas, so we played then.  The entiring of the Forge was covered in a two-day marathon session rather than a series of Thursday night games, which is how we actually managed to convince Simon to show up with some regularity


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## Capellan (Feb 14, 2005)

*3 : Bridge Over troubled Waters*

Beverly followed up her warning with a grenade.  Her throw landed right in the midst of the four humanoids that had appeared behind the group.  The grenade detonated with a flash of white flame, spraying red hot shards of metal in all directions.  Two of the creatures were knocked from the ledge, and fell screaming into the darkness.  The other pair reeled, dazed and bloodied.

"That should slow them down." the young heiress flicked her hair.

"Ninja jump!" Simon leapt onto a broad, flat rock and flourished his rapier.

"Aren't ninja supposed to be quiet, and crap?" Bev asked.

"Ninja thrust!" Simon stabbed the creature which had felled Smith, piercing it through the throat.  The beast gurgled and fell.  Bev raised her eyebrows,

"Ooh, I could get to like the ninja thrust."

Fabio pouted.

"It's time for a little rhythm and black'n'blues." Floyd flicked the switch on his golden guitar, then swung the blade at the other humanoid.  The creature and its head parted ways like a punk band with creative differences. 

"You two." Floyd gestured at Simon and Beverly, "See to those two behind us." he gestured, and a cheesburger appeare in his hand.  Talking a deep bite that left trickles of grease running down his chin, he continued through a mouthful of food. "Fubio, keep wutch dun thur. Ull see tuh Smuth."

Pushing the rest of the cheeseburger into his mouth in a single piece, the servant of Elvis mumbles his way through a prayer.  The power of rock and roll flows from his fingers, filling Smith with energy and strength.

"Praise the Lord." the Mormon opens his eyes.

"Hail to the King, ba - _urrgk_."  A morningstar smashed into the side of Floyd's head.


*   *   *


"Did we get a close-up of that?"

Johnson punched buttons on the console in front of him,

"Yes sir.  Camera three." he brought the footage up on the main screen.

"Excellent." Patton gave a dry cackle, "That's the kind of shot that sells an extra thousand laser discs.  Make sure it goes in the promo shots.  In slow motion: I want everyone to see the way that tooth came flying out."

"Looks like a pretty nasty hit, Sir.  I guess he won't be eating any more cheeseburgers for a while."

"That's no bad thing.  Boy could stand to lose a few pounds."


*   *   *


Three more of the bestial-looking humanoids streamed out of the darkness, led by one whose beard and hair were thickly streaked with grey.  He barked orders at the others as they attacked, sweeping his axe to drive back Fabio and the still-reeling Floyd.

Smith rolled backwards and came to his feet, narrowly avoiding another sweep of the wickedly sharp axe.

"We could use a little help here!" he yelled over his shoulder.

"Kinda busy!" Beverly yelled back.  She and Simon opened fire on the two creatures behind them, but only one fell.  The other roared its rage and ran across the rope bridge.  As Simon desperately fumbled to re-draw his rapier, the creature grabbed Beverly and began to wrestle her toward the edge.  She gave a scream of frustration as the 'Super-Ninja' struggled with his sword "Simon!  Quit playing with it!  Get it out and stick it in him!"

"I'm trying!"

"Not hard enough!" Bev tosses her head in the time-honoured fashion of teen girls everywhere, then drives her knee into her opponent's groin.  The humanoid's eye bulge to about twice theit usual side, and he suddenly finds far more important things to be holding than Beverly.

"Hai-Yah!" Simon finally sinks his sword into their opponent, who has most definitely lost his Dex bonus.  The creature expires with a soft gurgle.  Beverly looks askance at the Ninja.

"What was _that_?"

"That was my Ninja battle-cry."

"Does Miss Piggy know you're stealing her line?"


*   *   *


The screen showed Fabio duck under his opponent's blow, then lance his sword into the creature's leg.  The beast stumbled, leaving an opening, but the handsome human was already turning to engage a few foe.  A brief smile flickered on his lips as he heard the soft, wet _crunch_ of the creature's skull, which meant that Smith had finished the job.

To his left, another of the humanoids fell, screaming as it clutched the severed stump of its arm.  Floyd kicked it aside and stepped into the gap, standing side by side with  Fabio as they both chopped at the creatures' leader.  The grey-hair batted Floyd's blow aside, but Fabio's blade gouged its shoulder.  It grunted, shifting to protect its injured side, but Fabio stepped to its left, giving Smith room to stretch their line, and suddenly the creature was menaced on three sides.  Seconds later, it fell, blood oozing from three new wounds.

Patton cackled his glee,

"God damn!  I think we just saw those boys use teamwork."

"Yes sir.  They were most impressive."

"They were -" the General broke off an a deep-throated roar of rage blasted from the speakers, setting the whole room throbbing with bass.  His dry skin creaked into a cold smile of bone-yellow teeth, "- teamwork or not, seems like life's decided to take a piss on their parade, eh Johnson?"


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## Tanager (Feb 14, 2005)

Capellan said:
			
		

> The creature and its head parted ways like a punk band with creative differences.




Oh man, I love that line.


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## Graywolf-ELM (Feb 15, 2005)

And so it was written. And they came from far and wide to read the words.  Oft repeated and spread throughout the lands.

GW


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## Peterson (Feb 18, 2005)

Capellan said:
			
		

> "Does Miss Piggy know you're stealing her line?"




Nice one!

Man, you guys are not only great gamers, but great writers as well.

I tip my hat, as I look eagerly for the next update.

Peterson


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## Capellan (Feb 20, 2005)

*4 : (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction*

The creature that burst out of the darkness was fully nine feet tall, and as broad across the shoulders as any two men.  A pair of slavering wolves raced at its heels, tongues lollign over yellowed teeth.

"The Great Ulfe crush you all!" the creature bellowed, swinging a massive, ironbound club.  The weapon was easily six feet in length, with a studded metal cap.  It struck Fabio in the side with a sound quite like fresh snow underfoot, but even more like multiple ribs being reduced to bone fragments.

The wolves raced over Fabio's crumpling form.  The first – a black-haired, brutish looking beast with a scar over one eye – snapped its jaws around Beverly's leg.  With a snarl and a twist of its head, it dragged her to the floor, teeth tearing at herthigh.  The girl screamed, flailing at the wolf ineffectually with her hands.

"Bad doggy." Smith's close brush with death appeared to have given him a sense of humour.  He buried the point of his pick into its brain.  The wolf slumped to the stone floor, stone dead.  The second wolf, however, lunged over the falen body of its comrade, biting hard onto Smith's forearm.  The Mormon grunted, nearly dragged down by the sudden weight of the beat, but managed to recover his balance at the last moment.

"Don'be cruel, son.  Don't be cruel." Floyd invoked a protective spell to ward himself from their new opponent, then stepped forward into the breach, rhinestones glinting.

"Simon, try and get behind it!" Smith yelled as he tried to fend off the snarling wolf.  The young man looked at the massive bulk of their enemy, its shoulders almost brushing the walls as it raised it club once more.

"Dude, I'm a ninja, not a magician."

"Then get this overgrown chihuahua off me so I can go help fight it!"

"_Raaaaaaaaaargh!_" Ulfe's mighty swing missed Floyd by inches.  His club slammed into the floor, pulverising one of the tiles and sending shards of stone in all directions.

Still on the floor, Beverly snatched up her pistol, then rolled away from the melee and got shakily to her feet.

"Damn it, this was a seven hundred dollar dress."  Which would put the cost of fabric at a hundred dollars per square inch.

Simon lanced in with his rapier, spearing the wolf in its haunches, but the creature hung onto Smith's arm, finally pulling him from his feet.  The Mormon and the wolf rolled on the floor, teeth against pick, until finally there was a dull _crunch_ and a whimper from the wolf.

"_Nooooooo!_  Fang!" the Great Ulfe roared his anguish as the second of his two pets was killed.  With a mighty bellow, he swing his club once more, the force of the blow sending Floyd staggering backwards. "I kill you all!"

The massive humanoid lurched forward, club flashing in wide arcs.  A boulder shattered to dust from one blow; a ten thousdand year-old stalagmite was shorn off with another.  Floyd, Simon and Beverly dodged and fell back, until their backs were to the very lip of the ledge.

"Now you die!" Ulfe rejoiced, stepping over the corpse of his beloved pet.  He raised his club to snuff out Floyd's life forever -

and then Smith swung his arm up from under Fang's body, shotgun clenched in hand.

The blast to his groin killed the Great Ulfe instantly.  But then, it's doubtful he would have wanted to live, after it, in any case.


*   *   *


"What the _hell_ are they playing at?" Patton fumed.

"Looks like they're holing up to rest, sir."

"I can see that, Johnson!" the General snapped, brown-stained teeth clenched in fury, ""Don't these boys understand the meanin' of the word 'entertainment'?  Wehre's the fun of watchin' them st on their cans for sixteen hours?"

"Well to be fair, sir, we can edit this out of the broadcast."

"I ain't talkin' about the _broadcast_!  I'm talkin' about _me!_" Patton scowled. "Answer me this, Johnson: are any of those fools injured?"

Johnson checked the life-meters, though he already knew what they said,

"Everything in the green, sir."

"Everything in the green.  They even got the pretty-boy back on his feet." Patton spat, "They're as fit as they were when they first started out, so what are they playin' at, givin' up the battlefield like that?"

"I don't know, sir.  Should I contact them and order them to move on?"

Patton nodded, then held up his hand,

"Wait.  I changed my mind."

"Sir?"

"Look a camera three, Johnson.  I think that will get the message through better than we ever could, eh?"


*   *   *


Simon sighed and flipped closed the third chest.

"Empty, just like all the others."

"Cleaned out, you mean." Smith folded his arms and gave Floyd a dark look, "Whatever was left of the tribe ovviously took everything and ran, while we were sitting around waiting for _you_."

"I was out o' benedictions from the King." Floyd relpied mildly, "I needed to subsume myself in the power of his rock and roll."

"We should have pressed on."

"And if we had another fight like that last one?"

"That's why we all took the deduction for emergency medical aid, remember?"

"I can't believe it's not filled with gold." Fabio stared disconsolately at the chest: and I don't mean Beverly's, for once.

The group moved on, bickering as they went, through several more deserted chambers, until at last they came to a large, cave, filled with boxes and crates.

"Whole bunch of stuff over here has been moved, recently." Simon pointed to drag marks in the earth floor, then clambered on to one of the crates for a better look, "Hey!  There's a passageway behind this stuff."

Smith and Fabio pulled more of the boxes aside, to reveal a dark tunnel leading further into the mountain.

Beverly wrinkled her nose,

"Does anyone else smell smoke?"


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## Graywolf-ELM (Feb 20, 2005)

7 square inches of dress.  Does that still qualify as dress?  Or am I doing the math wrong?

GW


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## BSF (Feb 20, 2005)

It does seem a bit light, but this is Beverly Hills-Hilton...

"Dude, I'm a ninja, not a magician." <== Best one-liner of this update in my book.


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## pogre (Feb 21, 2005)

Man, I love this story!


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## Peterson (Feb 21, 2005)

Another great update.

I also _loved_ the seven inches of dress comment.  Well done, even if it caught me a chewing-out from the bossman for reading on company time.  Oops.    

Thanks!

Peterson


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## Capellan (Feb 21, 2005)

Graywolf-ELM said:
			
		

> 7 square inches of dress.  Does that still qualify as dress?  Or am I doing the math wrong?




Dress ... napkin ... Bev's a bit fuzzy on the distinction


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## Raging Epistaxis (Feb 22, 2005)

Peterson said:
			
		

> Well done, even if it caught me a chewing-out from the bossman for reading on company time.



Ahh, it's good to be (my own) bossman.  And to have such an excellent story to read.

Thanks, Capellan


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## Capellan (Feb 27, 2005)

*5: Smoke on the Water*

"Someone had themselves a big ol' barbecue." Floyd shoved half of a hamburger in his mouth and gestured at a large black-and-ash stain on the floor.

"Nothing gets past you, Junior Ranger." Bev snarked.  Her temper was never the best when people were eating.  Which was most of the time, with Floyd.

The group stood at the far end of the passageway, having followed it into a large stone hall.  The chamber was easily fifty feet across, and close twice as long, with a beautiful vaulted ceiling that is supported by intricately-carved stone pillars.  All of which was lost on the five of them, of course.

"They must have had some reason for doing it." Smith observed.  He glanced around the hall and then pointed to what appeared to be a wide shaft in the centre of the floor.  Sooty footprints led there from the remains of the fire, "Then they went down there."

"If we're going down, Bev should lead the way." Simon ignored his own advice and walked to the edge of the shaft.  After peering in, he turned back and gave a thumbs up, "There are – _bzzzzzzzzz_ -  here, so we - _bzzzzzzzzz_ - them."

"What did he say?" Smith frowned.

"Dunno." Floyd slurped at a Cherry Coke.  "Couldn't hear him over that sudden loud 'buzzing' sound."


*   *   *


"Are you sure these are the right people for the job, sir?  They don't seem very bright."

"Don't overestimate intelligence, Johnson.  They say Trotsky was as smart as a whip, and all it got him was an ice pick through the head, courtesy of Joe Stalin.  These boys are _my_ ice pick."


*   *   *


"Funny lookin' things." Floyd poked one of the dead creatures with his toe, "Kinda remind me of a bat, crossed with a mosquito.  'course, the mosquitoes back home are a mite nastier.  I been bit so many times back home, but these fellas never even touched me."

"Maybe they don't like fatty foods."

"Damn silly of 'em, then." Floyd slapped his belly and gave Beverly a contented smile, "Which reminds me, I'm feelin' kinda peckish.  Anyone else want a deep-fried peanut butter sandwich?"


*   *   *


After progressing down the stairs and fighting off an attack from more of the 'mosquito-bats', the five adventurers found themselves in a series of natural caverns, quite different to the worked stone halls above.  A stream cut across the cave floor, disappearing under a thick overhang of rock.

Fabio frowned,

"We should leave this place immediately."

"Something wrong?" Smith scanned the room, shotgun ready for trouble.

"Very.  The lighting here is terrible."

"And there's no loot." Simon returned from ninja-ing every stalagmite and stalactite he could reach. "I had a quick look down the tunnels leading out of here and there didn't seem much difference between them."

They went left, following a dog-legged passage that opens into another wide stone cavern.  This one had no stream, but the air was still damp, suggesting that more water flowed nearby.

"Some kind of wooden gate over there." Simon's eyesight was the best in the group, giving lie to the old tale that some things will send you blind.

"Means these caves must have been occupied by _something_ intelligent." Smith moved slowly toward the gate, sweeping his shotgun back and forth to cover the cave, "At least up until fairly recently.  Gate would've rotted away in this damp, without something looking after it."

As the Mormon spoke, the 'something' that cared for the gate became apparent.

What looked like a patch of rock suddenly moved, revealing a grey-scaled, lizard-like humanoid that had been standing statue-still against the cave wall.  A wave of strong, musk-like stench suddenly emanated from the beast as it grabbed the gate and wrenched it wide open.

"Oh, gross." Bev wrinkled her nose at the foul smell that washes over them.  Smith's reaction to it went unrecorded: he was too busy being mauled by a massive brown bear.

The enraged animal burst out of the now-open gate, roaring its frustration and charging the first person it saw.  Its claws raked  the Mormon's shoulders as it grasped him in a crushing body hug, fracturing one of his ribs.  The beast then leaned its head down, teeth glinting as it readied to savage Smith's face, but the Mormon twisted his shotgun upwards and pulled the trigger, blowing away half of its jaw.

Simon was the first to react, leaping forward to plunge his rapier into the bear's side.  Arms wrapped around the struggling Smith, the beast could do little to avoid the blow: blood fountained from the wound, and the bear shuddered with pain, grip relaxing just enough to allow Smith to slip free of its grasp.

Simon's quick response left him vulnerable to retaliation, however, and a second one of the lizard-like humanoids raced out of the darkness, clawing at the ninja as he coughed and staggered from its appalling odour.

The battle was merciless.  The massive bear swiped at Fabio with its claws, knocking him from his feet, while its repulsive lizard-like handlers raked at the already wounded Smith with their hooked and mud-encrusted claws.  The five humans retaliated with swords and shells; Floyd blasting a ragged hole clean through one of the humanoids, while Fabio hacked at the bear's claws from where he was sprawled on the ground.

Five against three could only end one way, however, and even with the advantage of an ambush, the lizard-things and their ursine pet were soon destroyed.  Simon grimaced as he searched the corpses for loot,

"What _are_ these things?"

"Devils." Floyd spoke with authority.

Bev raised her eyebrows,

"Really?  I just thought they were stinky lizards of some kind.  Man, they reeked."

Simon nodded,

"I nearly lost my lunch."

"Exactly,son." Floyd nodded, "Now that's what I call _diabolical_."


*   *   *


After discovering some ancient corpses in another cavern and looting them of everything that was still intact, the group pressed on into the complex.  Then, from ahead of them came a deep noise, muffled but deep and powerful.

"What's that?" Floyd asked.

"Sounds like thunder." Smith frowned, "But continuous."

"It's a waterfall." Bev looked surprised when everyone stared at her, "What?  We've been seeing streams all over the place.  You didn't think of it?"

The young heiress proved correct: the next cavern contained a stream - narrow but deep and fas-running - that stretched the length of the chamber before plunging over a cliff-edge into darkness.  Not far from the cliff was another tunnel entrance; the only other visible exit from the cave.

"Go check it out." Smith instructed Simon.

"Ninja!" the younger man agreed, making his way over to the tunnel.  He peered in, then turned back and shouted something that went unheard over the roar of the water.  Oblivious to this, he turned and walked down to the edge of the cliff.

"_Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!_"

It's amazing how falling over a waterfall can add a few extra decibels to your voice.


----------



## Plane Sailing (Feb 27, 2005)

Out of interest, does Fabio ever use his "inspire courage" ability (does he even *have* inspire courage?

Cheers


----------



## arwink (Feb 27, 2005)

Once or twice, yeah.

He actually has a surprisingly high Perform (Dither) check.


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## Capellan (Feb 28, 2005)

That's Perform (Waffle), actually 

The stuff I sometimes have about him hogging the lighting and so forth is related to his perform skill.  Other times, I just don't mention it because I'm sketching the fights out pretty briefly as it is.


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## robberbaron (Feb 28, 2005)

Man, I'm glad you're back.
This story is pure class.


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## Peterson (Mar 1, 2005)

Another great update...

Man, that Bev - she's my fav...

Peterson


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## Mantreus (Mar 1, 2005)

> Simon's eyesight was the best in the group, giving lie to the old tale that some things will send you blind.



Hey!!


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## Capellan (Mar 10, 2005)

*6: Slip Sliding Away*

For a moment, everyone stares, stunned.  And then Simon's voice floats up out of the darkness,

"I'm not dead."

"Wooooooo!  Anythin' that boy can do, Ah can do better!" Floyd races across the cave and belly-flops into the rushing water of the stream.  There's an almightly splash, followed by another shout of glee from the Elvisite as he plummets off the edge of the cliff.

Smith gapes.

"Weeeeeee!" Bev follows Floyd into the water.  Two of GPE's floating cameras immediately zoom in for extreme close-ups as her scantily clad and glistening body vanishes from sight.

Smith gapes.

"I guess we should go after them." Fabio observes.

Smith gapes.

"Down the stairs, I mean." Fabio points at the tunnel entrance next to the waterfall.

The Mormon finally closes his mouth and gives himself a visible shake,

"So you're not planning to throw yourself after them?"

"Of course not." Fabio looks horrified, "It would _ruin_ my perm."

The two men make their way down the stairs, and are met halfway by their slightly-squelchy companions.

"What's down there?" Smith demands, disapprovingly eyeing the threesome.

"Not much." Floyd slicks his damp hair into a huge quoif. "A lake, some caves.  The journey's much more fun than the destination."

"You didn't look around at all, did you?"

"Not much." Floyd repeats equably, "But we figured it would be best to finish lookin' around up here first, before startin' on anythin' downstairs."


*   *   *


"Hah!  That stumped Mr Prissy, didn't it?" Patton slapped his hand on his knee, causing a small puff of dust to rise.

"Indeed, sir."

"How'd the footage of the girl come out, Johnson?"

"Excellent, sir.  I've begun arrangements to have it included in a promo spot."

"Good work." Patton nodded, "It'll work better if it seems like she's in danger, though.  Half-dressed damsels in distress are the next best thing to printing your own money."

"I'll see what screams we have in the audio files, sir."

Patton snorted,

"No need.  Just sample the boy's yelp from when he went over.  Sounded near enough like a girl, to me."


*   *   *


The group enters a huge cavern, filled with giant fungi.  Simon sneezes.

"I'm telling you, homes, this is a health and safety violation." he manages, after blowing his nose on a large black handkerchief. "This will play hell with my allergies."

"You do understand that this is a job where people try to kill you, right?" Floyd raises his eyebrows. "Allergies are the least of your worries."

"Why do you think I take so much time off?" Simon snorts, "It's the stress, homes."

"Well, if you want to stress about something, I suggest the topic of 'clouds of poisonous spores'." Smith says grimly, glaring at the nearest mushroom likes it has personally affronted him, "The kind that make your skin turn black and your tongue swell up so large you choke to death."

"It's easy to see why you have five wives, being such a charmer like that." Bev rolls her eyes.

The group picks their way across the cave, at first doing their best to avoid brushing against any of the strange fungi.  When it rapidly becomes clear that this is impossible, Smith shrugs, shoulders his shotgun, and bulls through the delicate subterranean vegetation.  Reaching a pathway at the centre of the cave, he turns and calls back through a haze of multi-coloured spores:

"As Simon would say, 'I'm not dead'!"

The others join him at the path, which the group then follows as it winds along the length of the cave, finally arriving at an enormous pair of iron doors.

"Ninja 'em." Floyd instructs.

And to everyone's surprise - except his own - Simon does just that.

"Stairs heading up." He reports, after dragging one door slightly ajar and peering through the gap.

"_Up_?" Fabio shakes his head, "Where is the architect's sense of drama?  Of tradition?"

"We _could_ go back to the waterfall." Smith's still bitter.

"Hell, no." Simon wrestles the door open a few more inches, and squeezes through the gap, "Somebody went to the trouble of putting a couple of damn big vault doors here, which means there's something behind them worth building a couple of damn big vault doors to protect."

"The boy speaks wisdom." Floyd opines.

"And his own damnation." Smith glowers at Simon, who is oblivious.

"What_ever_." Beverly flounces over to the doors and squeezes through to the other side, "Let's check it out."

Fabio follows, leaving only Floyd and Smith still outside.  The Mormon glances at the Elvisite,

"I thought you were in favour of pursuing this course."

"Yup." Floyd nods, then pats his rhinestone-covered belly, "But I'm thinking that door needs to be open a mite wider before I can fit through it."


----------



## Graywolf-ELM (Mar 10, 2005)

Hot dog.  You've got me wishing this story was illustrated.  For more than just Beverly soaked to the skin.

GW


----------



## Mantreus (Mar 10, 2005)

> "No need. Just sample the boy's yelp from when he went over. Sounded near enough like a girl, to me."



Heeeyyy!!!


----------



## pogre (Mar 10, 2005)

Mantreus said:
			
		

> Heeeyyy!!!




"Yep, that's the one Johnson!"


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## Mantreus (Mar 14, 2005)

pogre said:
			
		

> "Yep, that's the one Johnson!"



*splutter* *grumble*


----------



## Capellan (Mar 16, 2005)

*7: Stairway to Heaven / Highway to Hell*

"A ... dead ... end?" Floyd wheezed, leaning forward with his hands on his knees, "I ... climbed ... all those stairs ... for a dead ... end?"

clang.  clang.  clang.

"There's some statues and stuff." Bev pointed out, unhelpfully.  She waved a jewellery-laded hand at the octagonal chamber before them.  Three statues of squat, bearded warriors glared from the left, right and opposite walls.  All three stood with arms raised, an axe clenched in each hand.

"I can't believe it's a dead end." Fabio frowned.

"I think I ... already said that." Floyd straightened up with a _huff_ of effort.

clang.  clang.  clang.

"No." Fabio's deeply furrowed brow was a sure sign he was thinking, "I _really_ can't believe it's a dead end.  There's a noise coming from somewhere ... sounds like hammering."

"I don't hear anything." Bev shrugged.

"That's because you never shut up and listen." Smith waved her to silence, and cocked his head to the side.  Perhaps he was hoping the sound waves would trip over his upturned ear lobe and fall into his head.

"I hear something, too." Simon 

clang.  clang.  clang.

nodded. "Sounds pretty echo-y.  Hard to tell where its coming from."

"Could be a secret door." Smith mused.

"Ya think?" Any sarcasometers in the room would have exploded.

"Quiet, Beverly." Smith turned to Simon, "Go ninja it."

"Ninja!" Simon skulked into the room, sticking close to the wall.  He checked floors and ceiling for lurking monsters, then slunk down low as he prowled toward the far side of the room.  Twice he stopped, ears straining to try and work out where the sound was coming from.  Turning back to the others, he cupped a hand to his ear and pointed to his left.  Flexing his hands dramatically, he moved between two of the statues and began to run his hands over the wall, searching for signs of a secret door.

"He's pretty good at this, huh?" Floyd remarked, through a mouthful of cheeseburger.

Which is about the moment that the two statues slashed their axes down, cutting Simon to the bone.

The youngster staggered back, blood streaming down his ruined _Punisher_ t-shirt.  He sunk to his knees, vision clouding as blood loss dragged him inexorably toward death.

clang.  clang.  clang.

"The King is here for you, son." Floyd slapped invoked Elvis's benediction on Simon, hauled him to his feet, and offered him a double-chilli-cheese-hot dog, "Now go try the other wall."


*   *   *


"Gutsy little runt." Patton remarked approvingly, then cackled as blood spattered all over the screen again, "But not very bright, eh Johnson?"

"No sir." Johnson tried not to think about the long corporate lunch he'd had that day, or the way all that rich food kept wanting to rise up his gullet. "But then you said you didn't want them for their brains, sir."

"Damn right." Patton nodded and pointed at the screen, where Simon was once more being hauled to his feet and pushed toward the wall, "What I want is the kind of mentality that makes a man keep poking a sleepin' lion, just to see how long it'll take before the thing rips off his head."

"Well, they certainly have that, sir." Johnson agreed, "Though they seem to have worked out that it would be a good idea to break the statues arms, at least."

"That's the other thing I like about these boys.  When they go pokin' lions, they do it with a _really big stick_."


*   *   *


"Putting a secret door behind the statues?" Floyd stared at the space between the statue's stone back and the wall. "Must be mighty inconvenient having to squeeze trhough that itty bitty gap all the time."

"Though probably not as inconvenient as an axe to the head, Mr Anderson."

clang.  clang.  clang.

"You do have a way of getting to the heart of things, Mr Smith."

"Yes.  Through the ribcage."

Floyd was silent for a moment as he tried to work out whether Smith just made a joke.  Finally he settled for calling out to Simon,

"How are things going back there, son?"

"Slowly." Simon's tone was aggrieved, "There's definitely a door here, and I don't think it's trapped.  I'm just trying to work it open.  You'll know when I do because the hammering noise will get -"

*CLANG.  CLANG.  CLANG.*

"- louder."

The group followed Simon through the no-longer-secret door and into a huge hall, dimly lit with guttering torches.  Massive, vaulted pillars run the length of the hall, throwing each side further into shadow, while the far end is dominated by a stone throne, set on a raised plinth.

"Hammering's coming from over there." Simon gestured to the right hand side of the hall.

"Wonder who's working so hard?" Floyd asked aloud. "Reckon we should pay 'em a visit and find out."

As soon as the Elvisite stepped forward, however, a cold voice rang out.

"Come no further.  Leave now, if you wish to live."


----------



## snotling (Mar 18, 2005)

holy flying frell.

I am rolling over here..  I love Floyd and Simon's ability to Ninja things is well.. Ninja-rific!

Graywolf kept telling me about the first story, and part of this one.. Oh man, I am glad I finally read it..  Looking forward to more...


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## Capellan (Mar 24, 2005)

*8: Heigh Ho (It's Off to Work We Go)*

Floyd stopped.  His eyes narrowed, and he slapped his shotgun down into his palm.

"Now that's right unneighbourly." he announced. "And l'il Sadie here don't take kindly to rudeness."

All hell broke loose.

Two huge, hulking figures appeared out of thin air.  They were similar in shape to the statues from the previous room, and also in their colour of their skin, which was grey and cold.  They stood much taler, however, being close to eight feet in height.  Each swung a mighty battleaxe, their crushing blows driving Smith to his knees.  Simon tumbled away from the attackers, disappearing into the shadows on the side of the hall, while Beverly backed rapidly in the other direction, digging in her purse as she did so.

"Got it!" she yelled suddenly, and threw her make-up compact into the face of the nearest attacker.  Garishly coloured creams and dusts sprayed everywhere, getting into the creature's beard, mouth and eyes.  It bellowed its rage, pawing at its face with one hand as it blindly swung its axe to and fro in an attempt to fend off opponents.

Simon skulked in the darkness, moving around one of the pillars so that he could draw a bead on the nearest attacker's broad back.  It was a wide and tempting target, and Simon made the most of it.  The bullet caught his target near the base of the spine, drawing a howl of surprised agony as it perforated the creature's bowel.

"Ninja!" Simon exulted to himself in satisfaction.  And then there was a sound behind him:

_click_

"Two can play at that game."


*   *   *


"It's just not the punk's day, is it, Johnson?" Patton didn't even bother with false sympathy.  After all, the more blood, the more butts on seats.

"Evidently not, sir.  Though I see he is still upright."

"Only because the crossbow bolt pinned him to the pillar." Patton chortled, rewinding to watch the scene again, in slow motion.


*   *   *


"Reckon that's all of 'em?" Floyd asked, some time later.

"Except the one that turned invisible and ran." Smith nodded.  Floyd grimaced,

"Damn coward.  Shoulda stood and fought like a man.  This invisibility stuff is against the King's teachin's.  A true believer should never be afraid to see seen."

"I guess hacking his boss to pieces in front of his eyes gave him second thoughts." Beverly twirled some gum around her finger. "How many did we get, anyway?"

"Three in the main hall, one in that smaller chamber, three more in here." Fabio ticked them off on his fingers.

"I thought you said there were gonna be five of them in here, homes?  We're one short."

"I sensed five before we came in." Smith responded, emotionlessly, "The taint of their ungodly beliefs was quite distinct."

"Make it two cowards who went invisible and ran, then." Floyd shrugged, his interest elsewhere, "Did they have any good stuff?"

"Not really." Simon glanced up from where he was going through bloodied belongings of their deceased opponents, "Some coins, weapons and armour.  The usual.  Looks like they were forging more, in here." He swept his arm around to encompass the room, which was filled with giant furnaces, anvils and smithying tools of every description. "Looks like they were mining some kind of ore here, then bringing it to this room to make weapons."

Beverly frowned, her bottom lip sticking out.

"So what ... they sneaked past all those other monsters to come here and dig, dig, dig the whole day through?"

"Maybe digging's what they like to do." Fabio shrugged, while trying to see his own reflection in the blade of a half-finished sword. "Good exercise.  Builds big muscles, like mine."

Beverly snorted.

"Hell on a manicure, though."

"We'll never know what they did it for." Smith's tone made it clear he didn't much care, either. "Let's get back to work.  Simon, there's some kind of shaft over there.  Go check it out ... and try not to fall in, this time."

"No problemo, homes." Simon shucked off his backpack and dug inside it for a rope.  He knotted it deftly into a loop, then hooked it over one of the furnaces and pulled it tight.  A few more knots, and he was secured to the other end. "I took a Ninja ropes course."

He edged his way out to the lip of the shaft and looked down, then turned and made his way back.

"Drop goes down out of sight." he reported. "There's a ledge about halfway around the shaft, with iron rungs in the wall going down from it."

"Did you go check it out?"

"Rope's not long enough to reach."

"Well son, 'no problemo'." Floyd chuckled and dumped open his guitar case.  Old cookie wrappers, donut boxes and styrofoam hamburger containers spilled out onto the floor.  Oblivious to the mess, Floyd dug within the mound of wrappers and pulled out a long stretch of green rope. "It was my daddy's.  He wore it as a belt.  One day I hope to be able to follow in his pants size."

"Eww."

It was a rare moment of consensus.


----------



## Capellan (Apr 1, 2005)

*9: Puff, the Magic Dragon*

"What are you playing at, Johnson?"

"Sir?"

"These last two shows.  What are you playing at?  You can't have an action extravaganza like the first episode, then follow it up with a limp finale like _this_." Patton pointed a disgusted finger at the second tape.

"But that's the way it happened, sir."

"Are we a goddamn documentary company, Johnson?"

"No sir."

"Damn straight we're not.  WCX is about entertainment.  I want the order of these episodes reversed, and the footage edited to make it seem like that's the order things happened.  Believe me, the audience would thank us if they knew."


*   *   *


Voices floated in the darkness, echoing over the still, black waters of the lake.

Nightscale opened one yellow eye, then the other.  Scales rasped softly on stone as the young dragon raised herself up, tongue flickering out to taste the air.  The voices came again, speaking words she did not comprehend, but sending a message she understood perfectly: _intruders_.

Moving with surprising stealth for such a large creature, the young dragon slid into the water, her coal-black scales invisible in the dark water.


*   *   *


Smith clambered down the iron rungs, all the way to the base of the shaft, which lay well over a hundred feet below the previous level.  After stepping off the last rung onto the stone floor he quickly scanned the area with his flashlight.  Seeing no obvious dangers, he shone the light upwards and blinked it twice.

Slowly, the endless bickering of his colleagues drew nearer.

"Damn inconsiderate o' these folks not to include an elevator." Floyd was the first to appear out of the gloom, huffing and puffing as he climbed down.

"Imagine what it'll be like climbing back up." Bev's voice floated down from the darkness with the smugness of someone who weighs four pounds, soaking wet.

Floyd's reply, uttered in a gasping exhalation, was nearly as unintelligible as it was unprintable.

Eventually, all five members of the group stood at the base of the ladder.  They were on a low shelf of rock, running alongside a subterranean stream.  The floor was damp from condensing moisture in the air, but not smooth enough to be slippery.

Smith pointed into the darkness.

"Ninja it."

Simon moved forward, disappearing into the gloom.  After a few minutes, he returned.

"There's a bridge up ahead.  It crosses the stream and then the path goes along the side of a big lake."

"We could go swimming!" Beverly suggested.  All three GPE cameras immediately zoomed in on her.

"Shouldn't swim in a water hole until you've checked it for 'gators." Floyd warned, "I lost my cousin like that.  She were a right pretty girl, too ..." he looked wistful.  Beverly looked nauseous.

"No swimming." Such an activity smacked too much of fun for Smith's tastes.

The five humans made their way across the bridge and began to explore the lake side.

"I can't believe there's nothing down here." Fabio did not frown (it causes wrinkles) but his tone was clearly unhappy.

"Seems a long way to come to find nothin'." Floyd agreed.  He moved over to Simon, "You sure this place is empty?"

As he spoke, a reptilian head burst out of the water, reared backward and then vomited forth a stream of caustic yellow acid.  Viscous, sticky fluid spattered over stone as Simon instinctively dropped out of its path.  Floyd was not so lucky, and the acid sizzled and steamed as it etched its way into his flesh.

"Why didn't you see _that_ before we came down?" the Elvisite demanded as his shotgun roared in defiance.  Water plumed around the scaled black head as the creature ducked back out of sight.

"It's a pitch black lizard in a pitch black lake in the middle of a pitch black cave.  I'm a ninja, homes, not a magician."


*   *   *


Voices floated in the darkness, echoing over the still, black waters of the lake.

Nightscale crawled onto the cold stone shore of her island lair.  She still could not understand the intruders' speech, but their voices were frustrated and angry.  Slumping wearily to the ground, she twisted her head and hissed her outrage and hatred at the darkness.

Black ichor coated her flanks, dulling the sheen of her scales as it seeped from the wounds she had sustained.  The intruders had powerful magic ... more powerful than she had expected, and more powerful - though she was loathe to admit it - than she could defeat.  She shifted on the rock, leaving a streak of blood as her severed claw dragged along the ground.

Malice burned in her black heart as she peered across the water, but also fear.  Four times she had blasted the intruders with her acidic breath, yet none had fallen.  Four times they had responded with the strange wands they carried, and her own flesh had been torn and shattered.

Sick fury burned like fire in her belly as the dragon began to gather what she could of her treasure.  She must flee, before the intruders could follow.


*   *   *


"Man, we so got screwed on that big black lizard." Beverly complained her way back up the iron ladder, "It got away, and it didn't even have enough treasure to pay for the Gucci sweater it ruined with its icky acid.  The only jacket I've got left totally doesn't go with this miniskirt."

"You look just _fine_ from this angle." Simon's voice floated up from just below her.  He sounded very sincere indeed.


*   *   *


"Going to throw yourself over the waterfall, again?" Smith's tone was caustic.

"Nah, already done that.  Let's just take the stairs down, this time." Floyd was unperturbed, "We can check out what's down here then -" there was a slight jump in the audio track as a sample was spliced in over what he'd really said "- head back to town."

The group descended the stairs beside the waterfall, entering the caverns the Elvisite had previously dismissed as 'much less fun than the journey to get there'.  The appraisal seemed accurate: the area was waterlogged and mouldy, and appeared long-abandoned.

"Nothing here." Smith glanced around, then pointed. "Just hop across that stream and check behind that stalactite, Simon, and then we'll head back."

"Ninja!" Simon leapt the stream with ease.  As he did so, a single, large eye flicked open on the stalactite's side, and long sticky tendrils suddenly flailed out in all directions.  Two of them wrapped around the Super-Ninja as a massive mouth opened beneath the eye, exposing giant, shard-like teeth.

*"What's this?"* a hollow, booming voice rolled out of the cavernous mouth, *"How sweet!  A dinner that delivers!"*


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## Peterson (Apr 1, 2005)

Capellan said:
			
		

> "Why didn't you see _that_ before we came down?" the Elvisite demanded as his shotgun roared in defiance.  Water plumed around the scaled black head as the creature ducked back out of sight.
> 
> "It's a pitch black lizard in a pitch black lake in the middle of a pitch black cave.  I'm a ninja, homes, not a magician."




Brillant.  Simply brillant.  Of course, Simon's line about how Bev looks at that angle was good too.  Just wish I could've been there.

For the climb up I mean.  

Peterson


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## Graywolf-ELM (Apr 1, 2005)

A dinner that delivers.  A Roper with a sense of humor.


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## CalicoDave (Apr 1, 2005)

Nice update!  I find the multiple uses for the work "ninja" very funny.  This one really cracked me up for some reason!    



			
				Capellan said:
			
		

> Smith pointed into the darkness.
> 
> "Ninja it."


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## Enkhidu (Apr 1, 2005)

> "Got it!" she yelled suddenly, and threw her make-up compact into the face of the nearest attacker. Garishly coloured creams and dusts sprayed everywhere, getting into the creature's beard, mouth and eyes. It bellowed its rage, pawing at its face with one hand as it blindly swung its axe to and fro in an attempt to fend off opponents.




Glitterdust?


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## Capellan (Apr 2, 2005)

Enkhidu said:
			
		

> Glitterdust?




Yep.



			
				Graywolf-ELM said:
			
		

> A Roper with a sense of humor.




Ropes are well known as the jokers of the dungeon community.


----------



## Mantreus (Apr 4, 2005)

> Nice update! I find the multiple uses for the work "ninja" very funny. This one really cracked me up for some reason!



By the end of the weekend, we were so used to using ninja as a verb that I'd ninja a cup of coffee 


> Ropes are well known as the jokers of the dungeon community.



I didn't find it very funny


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## Capellan (Apr 5, 2005)

Climactic update this weekend!

In the mean time: Shameless pimping!


----------



## Capellan (Apr 8, 2005)

*10: Ten Thousand Tentacles*

Simon tried to struggle free of the grasping tendrils, but even as he made the attempt he felt the strength flooding out of his muscles.  _All_ of his muscles, which was highly unsanitary and even more highly embarrassing.

Smith's shotgun roared.  The shell struck home, but whined harmlessly off the creature's rock-like skin.

"This is a mighty devil indeed." The Mormon's brow creased in concern as he pumped another round into the shotgun.

"Everything's got a weakness." Floyd summoned forth the _blue suede shoes o' doom_.  The sequinned boot slammed against the monster's side - and promptly vanished with the sound of a misplayed chord.

"And what is your weakness, Mr Anderson?"

"Jelly dough - _nurk_!" Floyd's words were cut off as the creature lashed out with its tentacles, snaring both him and Fabio in its clutches.  The Elvisite felt a tingling on his skin as the monster's poison seeped into his flesh, but there was a lot of padding between his skin and the muscles underneath, and he did not suffer the same weakening effect as Simon.

Fabio, for his part, slashed at the tentacle that had grasped him.  The sword blow was weak, as his trim physique offered little to slow the poison's progress, but it was enough to loosen the hold and let him slip free once more.

Beverly dug in her purse as Smith fired a second time, the shotgun shell again glancing off the creature's skin.  The monster ignored his efforts, instead raising Simon's limp body to its stony maw.   It bit down, and blood cascaded over its rocky hide as the Super-Ninja's rubs were crushed between its massive teeth.  Simon was no longer worried about being embarrassed: the was too busy passing out from shock.

"Here it is!" Beverly pulled a can of hair-spray from her purse.

"You will already make a fine looking corpse." Fabio assured her, as he paused to check that his own hair was still in order.

"Well, _duh_." Beverly tossed her head, "This isn't for me, its for him." she pointed at the creature.

"While he ain't exactly harmless, he's damn sure hairless." Floyd gasped out as he felt the creature's poison finally penetrate his copious personal cushioning.

"Like, watch and learn." Beverly threw the hairspray.  The can arced across the stream and bounced harmlessly off the creature's side.  As the can tumbled toward the ground, Beverly snapped up her pistol and put a round straight through it.

The can *exploded* in a sheet of flame, partially roasting the monster, which roared in pain and anger.  Its tentacles thrashed in agony as the fire licked around it, blistering its rocky hide.

"A clever trick." Smith admitted. "How did you think of it?"

"This girl I knew?  She had like, this totally uglifying accident when she was having a cigarette while styling her hair."

*"I'll give you 'uglifying', bitch."* the monster snarled its rage.  Small fires still smouldered on its skin as it dropped Simon's broken body and lashed out at Beverly with all of its remaining tentacles.


*   *   *


Patton cackled.

"I'd say she really pissed it off, eh, Johnson?"

"Yes sir.  I'd say it's unusually vulnerable to fire, from its reaction." Johnson watched as the screen image showed the creature wrap its tentacles around Beverly's scantily clad form.  He made a quick note on his clipboard: _Include tentacle footage in Asian market ad spots.  Should be a *big* hit in Japan._

"Now it's got the pretty boy again, and it looks like fatso's wrapped up pretty tight as well." Patton frowned, concern starting to appear in his eyes. "You've got this mission properly insured, don't you, Johnson?  We'll take a big hit in lost profits if they get themselves killed."

"Everything's fully insured, sir." Johnson nodded emphatically, "And I have the usual contacts set up in case they die and we need to leak a 'snuff' version to the black market."

"Well done, Johnson." his concern assuaged, Patton sat back to enjoy the rest of the show.


*   *   *


Smith's shotgun thundered once more, the shell this time gouging out a small portion of the monster's hide.  A thick, greyish fluid oozed out of the wound, and the Mormon nodded in satisfaction.

"If it bleeds, we can kill it."

*"You're never going to get the chance, flesh-bag."* the creature gloated.  Its two free tentacles writhed toward him, but Smith dodged aside of the first and slipped free of the other, which left a streak of greasy poison on his arm.

"The power of the Lord protects me."

*"You can't keep dodging forever."* the monster dropped Fabio, who sprawled helplessly on the ground.  It lashed out with all four tentacles, wrapping three of them around Smith's body.  The Mormon struggled mightily, tearing loose from one of the three, but the other two held firm. *"I think I'll eat you first."*

"You haven't beaten us yet." Beverly whispered, feebly forcing the sounds from her throat.  She fumbled inside her dress, fingers weakly grasping at something inside.

*"Ho, ho, ho."* the thing turned its attention from Smith and instead dragged Beverly closer to its maw, *"What's that you've got, my little sweetmeat?"*

"It's the worst case of gas you're ever going to have, you @#$%er."

Her all but strengthless fingers twitched.

The pin came loose.

The grenade fell.

The creature swallowed, reflexively.

White phosphorous roared.


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## Dungannon (Apr 9, 2005)

> He made a quick note on his clipboard: Include tentacle footage in Asian market ad spots. Should be a big hit in Japan.



Those marketing guys never miss a trick, do they?


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## Graywolf-ELM (Apr 9, 2005)

Since Beverly is a sorceror, are her spells all made into plausible replacements?  How much of it is your writing, and how much is player planning?  As always an excellent update.

GW


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## Hammerhead (Apr 9, 2005)

How come Floyd casts spells but Beverly uses hairspray?


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## pogre (Apr 9, 2005)

Great update! That Roper is nasty!


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## Capellan (Apr 9, 2005)

The hairspray was actually alchemist's fire.  Neither Floyd nor Beverly could affect the Roper with spells (its SR was too high).

Floyd casts spells because that's the way the player initially described him.  He's renamed a lot of Floyd's spells, though: _blue suede shoes o' doom_ for _spiritual weapon_, _protection from squares_, and so on.  He generally uses these names in game.

Conversely, Beverly uses apparently non-magical means to create magical effects because that's the way her player initially described her.  There are no prizes for guessing how she casts _charm person_, for instance   Since then, the player usually just names the spell effect Bev's using, and I ad lib a description in game the first time the spell is used.

And Ropers _are_ nasty.  CR 12 according to the 3.5 MM, I believe.  With a normal D&D party, I would have omitted the encounter.  But the X-Pathers have shotguns and grenades, which changes the dynamic just a little 

That update brings the module itself to a close, but there will be an epilogue posted in the next week or so, so don't leave the building just yet!


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## Dungannon (Apr 9, 2005)

What I want to know is, just exactly _where_ did Bev have that grenade stashed?


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## threshel (Apr 9, 2005)

Dungannon said:
			
		

> What I want to know is, just exactly _where_ did Bev have that grenade stashed?




I think you might have to find that "black market" footage for the answer to that question.

J


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## Capellan (Apr 14, 2005)

*EPILOGUE*

"Malfunc_zzrrrrt_ the gate systems.  Transfers inter_rrrzzzzzkkkkkkkzzzzz_ed.  Your return not safe at this time.  GPE instructs you to make _klllllxxxxtt_ Brindinsford.  Remain there until further _nnnzzzzzzzzt_.  You will be contacted wh_zzzzrzrttt_ safe to return."

"They bought it?"

Johnson clicked off the tape recorder.

"Hook, line and sinker.  They didn't seem to want to risk being mangled the way the message was.  Still, they aren't very patient, sir ... I can't be sure how long they will sit in Brindinsford and wait for us."

"Don't you worry about that." Patton chuckled, "Those boys will have plenty to keep them from getting bored.  And our cameras will be there to catch every moment."


*   *   *


Nightscale lifted her head.

There was a sound, in the darkness.  Yes, there it was again.  Something moving, slow and quiet.

But not slow and quiet enough.  The dragon silently raised her bulk from the stone floor, eyes narrowing as her senses quested for the intruder.  She could see nothing, but she was definitely not alone.

She crouched, muscles tensing as she suppressed a hiss of frustration.  Could it be the intruders who had found her old lair at the lake?  If so, she would give them a battle they would not soon forget.  If not ... well, she _was_ starting to get hungry ...

"Do not be alarmed." The voice that came from the empty air was deep, and strangely accented, "I have seen the injustice done to you, mighty Nightscale.  Those who forced you from your home are enemies of mine, as well.  I wish to discuss terms of alliance."

"Sssssshow yoursssssself."

The air ripped some fifty feet from her nose, revealing a pair of humans.  The first wore a jacket and pants of dull green , with red and gold tabs at the neck and shoulders.  He stood relaxed and calm as he stroked his thick black moustache.  The human beside him was shorter, but more broad, dressed in a fur-lined red coat and black pants.  Unlike the first, he was armed: a sickle hung at his left side, a might warhammer on his right.

Nightscale's nostrils twitched.

"You ssssssmell like the otherssss." She accused.

"_Da_." The taller human nodded, and smiled grimly, "We too know the secrets of the mighty weapons they wield.  But fear not.  We do not come to steal your treasure, _tovarisch_.  We are here to help you get revenge on those who tried."

Nightscale narrowed her eyes.  She did not trust these humans, nor did she like that they had found her new lair.  Yet, if true, what they offered would give her a chance to take revenge on those who had driven her from her home.  And she could always teach her 'allies' what fools they were, later ...

"I'm lisssssssstening ..."





*Chapter Titles*
You all knew the chapter titles were song titles, right? 

The Boys Are Back in Town - Thin Lizzy
Knockin' on Heaven's Door - Bob Dylan
Bridge Over Troubled Waters - Simon & Garfunkel
(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones
Smoke on the Water - Deep Purple
Slip Sliding Away - Simon & Garfunkel
Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin
Highway to Hell - AC/DC
Heigh Ho (It's Off to Work We Go) - Snow White Soundtrack
Puff, the Magic Dragon - Peter, Paul and Mary
Ten Thousand Tentacles - Tiamat (which is a band name you can't pass up, really)


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## Lefferts (Apr 15, 2005)

Capellan said:
			
		

> Ten Thousand Tentacles - Tiamat (which is a band name you can't pass up, really)




One of my favorite bands and I still didn't catch this one.

I'm loving this story - can't wait to see what the russians do.


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## arwink (Apr 15, 2005)

Lefferts said:
			
		

> I'm loving this story - can't wait to see what the russians do.




That could take a while.  You know how it is with indie directors - they start off producing good work, getting their name out there for quality, then there's a whiff of the bigtime and their off to holly-boston to direct big budget extravaganzas with big name actors and lavish sets.  They still dream of their roots, placating the little guys they used to work with that they'll come back and finish the project during their holidays, but it's all just a web of half-truths and empty promises.

Or this was the last game we played before Cap was secconded to Boston by his company, and we're not likely to play again until he returns to Oz.

There's truth in one of those, I'm sure...


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## Lefferts (Apr 15, 2005)

Maybe he can get together with Piratecat and play a russian party.


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## Peterson (Apr 15, 2005)

*Everybody wants to rule the world*

I'm just plain glad you all got a chance to play again.....


cause we got another kick-ass storyhour outta the deal!

Thanks again mate.


Peterson


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## Dungannon (Apr 15, 2005)

Lefferts said:
			
		

> Maybe he can get together with Piratecat and play a russian party.



Good Lord, could you imagine this crossbreed adventure in the hands of Piratecat & Co.?


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## threshel (Apr 15, 2005)

Another great one, Capellan.  You've got me itching to run a game like this.

J


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## pogre (Apr 15, 2005)

Dungannon said:
			
		

> Good Lord, could you imagine this crossbreed adventure in the hands of Piratecat & Co.?




They could do no better than the current company of players - great story hour!


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## Zaruthustran (Jul 5, 2006)

More, please.


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## Look_a_Unicorn (Jul 6, 2006)

*happy cheer*
I've missed these guys


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## Capellan (Jul 29, 2006)

_WCX International Presents ..._

A George S. Patton Production


_Floyd Anderson
Joseph Isaiah Smith
Simon the Super-Ninja
Beverly Hills-Hilton_

*Guest Starring* _Fabio_

*Introducing* _Josephine Coltraine_


*X-Path 3 : Soviet of Dreams**


World Premiere:* August 17th, 1986
(give or take 20 years, and a few days for me to type the thing)
​


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## demiurge1138 (Jul 29, 2006)

Oh man. There's more coming! I feel so happy!

Demiurge out.


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## Graywolf-ELM (Jul 29, 2006)

WooHoo, more to come?  I thought you were in the US for work.  Not that I'll complain.

GW


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## pogre (Jul 30, 2006)

Excellent!


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## arwink (Jul 30, 2006)

Graywolf-ELM said:
			
		

> WooHoo, more to come?  I thought you were in the US for work.  Not that I'll complain.




He was. He came back a couple of months ago, then left again, then came back.

I think he just does it to confuse everyone.


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## Capellan (Aug 14, 2006)

And in a few months I'll probably leave and come back again.

In the mean time: X-Path 3 begins!


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