# Great barbarian quotes



## Eldorian (Mar 16, 2003)

The games my group plays almost always contain at least one barbarian, and they all come up with the funniest quotes.  I'm gonna throw some out, and feel free to add if you've heard any as well.

First, my sig, said by me

I will build a throne with the skulls of my foemen. (formal boast)

Will you lay with me?  (said to attractive female bard)

No!  I vill not be rescued by voman!  I vould be laughing stock of Northland.  No voman would marry me!  Some hero, me.

Pick up axe and fight like orc!  (said to orcs that surendered).



Eldorian Antar


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## shilsen (Mar 16, 2003)

Good, bad, I'm the guy with the greataxe (sorry, it had to be said )!

Pardon me, ladies and gentlemen, but if it were not too presumptuous of me, could I suggest an amalgamation of our forces so as to achieve heightened safety and efficiency in future peregrinations around this doubtless inimical region? [Who says barbarians can't have scores of 15+ in Int, Wis and Cha?]


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## Carnifex (Mar 16, 2003)

There was one game in which the party barbarian had said little more than grunts and basic word structures to do with killing monsters during a long and tough dungeon crawl. Then, after clearing one room of a small complex out, a party member suggested they bypass most of it and move on quickly.

The barbarian's reply?

"No, that would be tactically unadvantageous. First we must neutralise all the hostiles in this sector."

After hours of little more than 'ug's' from the barbarian this was hilarious


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## Robbert Raets (Mar 16, 2003)

I have a text file with 'things your barbarian/berserker would never say'.

My favourite was "So sorry, I would appear to have stabbed you in the stomach with my broadsword" 

I'm _*so*_ gonna use that when I get to play a Barbarian....


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## Holy Bovine (Mar 16, 2003)

Well its not original and has become more of a party motto than just something the barbarian has said but I always liked

"...and that's when the CHUD's came after us."

There's always the classic Conan one too in response to 'What is good in life?"

"To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentations of their women."


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## Zander (Mar 16, 2003)

Holy Bovine said:
			
		

> *There's always the classic Conan one too in response to 'What is good in life?"
> 
> "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentations of their women." *




FYI that's a paraphrasing of a quote by Genghis Kahn.


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## Holy Bovine (Mar 16, 2003)

Zander said:
			
		

> *
> 
> FYI that's a paraphrasing of a quote by Genghis Kahn. *




I didn't know that.  The first time I ever heard it was in Conan the Barbarian movie.  Well if there ever was a RL barbarian who made good I guess it would have been Genghis Kahn


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## MarauderX (Mar 16, 2003)

One good reason not to have the barbarian as the 'front-man'; they tend to take rejection of demands rather poorly:

"Give me your food.  Now.  No?  NO?!?" followed by rage on enemy outpost.  

The party had a problem relating to the more dangerous of the two feelings an NPC barbarian had, indifference and anger.
"Give me my rope back.  Yes, my silk rope.  MY silk rope.  No, it's MY rope.  MY ROPE!, as in, MY ROPE!  GIVE ROPE!  ARRAAGHGHHH!!!"

I think I need to include the old Clint Eastwood standby too -
"Feelin' lucky, punk?"


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## Wolv0rine (Mar 16, 2003)

Okay, it's not mine, but we all know it...

"Ariel!  Ookla!  *Riiiiiide!*"

heh heh heh


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## DungeonKeeperUK (Mar 16, 2003)

From Muk my dwarven barbarian of very little brain, or focused brain as I like to see it...

"Muk... Smush"

though now hes placed a Circlet of Intellect +6 on his head, he may have to change his brainless ways..

"Muk shall smite thee mightrly with his waraxe, I shall kill you in your hundreds and still not think it too many...."


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## Zander (Mar 16, 2003)

Holy Bovine said:
			
		

> *I didn't know that.  The first time I ever heard it was in Conan the Barbarian movie.  Well if there ever was a RL barbarian who made good I guess it would have been Genghis Kahn  *




It has been translated in various ways, but this one seems as right as any: 







> _Attributed to Genghis Kahn _
> *The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy, to drive him before you, to see his cities reduced to ashes, to see those who love him shrouded in tears, and to gather into your bosom his wives and daughters.*


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## alsih2o (Mar 16, 2003)

from the player, not the character:

 after taking a captive that was thoroughly evil, who would not shut up about how inept his captors were the players says "tugan slits his throat, not angrily, but like someone would adjust an antennae on a radio with bad reception"


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## Emirikol (Mar 16, 2003)

We play in the World of Hyboria, so we use all the Conan the Barbarian quotes.

The most popular is:

Khitai warlord:  Conan, what is best in life?   Conan:  "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women."

Others:
"Crom!"

"By Erlik's brass balls!"

"By Hanuman's wooly member!"

"Like a Brythunian woman, she's perennially willing!"

"Nemeidian Dog!"

"Fat like a Kothian king!"

"You smell worse than a Darfarian cannibal scat!"

"You are weak, like the dying.  Prepare to be put out of your misery!"

Sean Moore has tons of these in his Conan Books.    GRIM GREY GOD and CONAN THE HUNTER are the best for these.


Emirikol

www.yahoogroups.com/group/d20conan



..


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## hellbender (Mar 16, 2003)

Although not having played a barbarian, I have liked classic Conan quotes like:

    'Come any closer and prepare to meet your ancestors in Hell!'

            'I must go, I have had a bellyfull of peace.'


hellbender


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## Kilmore (Mar 16, 2003)

For the barbarian who gets nothing right...

"I here to chew butt and kick bubblegum."   

Another fine barbarian quote resource is Sergoi Aragones' excellent comic book "Groo."


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## Mercule (Mar 16, 2003)

I played a rather stupid barbarian (2E Viking Berserker, actually).  The rest of the party treated him basically like an attack dog -- which was good, since the ranger's pet bear had a higher intelligence.

Anyway, after watching how I reacted to people, especially enemies, and watching what I called them, one of the other PCs made this observation:

"Drott seems to group people into three categories: 1) 'Friends', 2) '***holes', and 3) 'Used to be ***holes'.  The second category seems to be rather small and only transitory to the third.  I'm quite glad we're in the first."

Now, an actual quote from said barbarian.  This quote actually came from sleep deprivation on my part, but it fit the character so well that it was used not infrequently.

"Me..." [turns to the ranger] "What me name?" [turns back to who he was addressing] "Me Drott."


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## Mercule (Mar 16, 2003)

Oh, yeah.  My barbarian fancied himself a dragon-slayer, too (usually, the party dug him out of doo while he was in a rage, but he still thought he did it).

Thus, walking through the woods: "HERE DRAGON, DRAGON, DRAGON!  HERE DRAGON, DRAGON, DRAGON!"


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## Angcuru (Mar 16, 2003)

*An elven barbarian talking to a human bard.* Do you have any elf in you? Do you want some?  

Would it offend anyone if I recited some prose while wading through the guts of our foes? <--- high intelligence score

Y'know I had so many good ones stuck in the back of my head...I'll probably remember them the second I go to sleep.


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## Starman (Mar 16, 2003)

"Magic is impressive, but now Minsc lead! Swords for everyone!"

"Go for the eyes, Boo!"

"Butt-kicking for goodness!"

You can't go wrong with anything Minsc has to say.

Starman


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## Angcuru (Mar 16, 2003)

MINSC RULES!!!!

"None shall see me, _though_ my battle cry may give me away."

"Minsc grows tired of fighting this mage who will not die! But here it ends! *EVIL*, meet my sword. SWORD, *MEET EVIL*!"


Celebrating my 100th post!


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## Angcuru (Mar 16, 2003)

"Bees like honey."


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## orbitalfreak (Mar 16, 2003)

"Don't get me angry."  *gets angry, rages* "Grrr.... Krusk Smash!!"


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## Psyckosama (Mar 16, 2003)

"My name is Ulric. I break things for a living. You are next."


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## The Forsaken One (Mar 16, 2003)

"HOEAAHH"

Beat that


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## Wormwood (Mar 16, 2003)

My favorite:

*"Enough Talk!" *


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## s/LaSH (Mar 16, 2003)

"Ja, I am the king of all the girly-men." (As broad and offensive an accent as possible.) I think it's a character quote from an old computer game called Medieval, or something.

"Throg want kill." That's from the intro to the CRPG Exile III (go to http://www.spidweb.com and download the demo, it's tiny and is guaranteed to keep you playing for, oh, weeks before you reach the edge of the demo zone).

"YO, WIZ! WHATCHA DOING?" Spoken during spell memorisation by a barbarian seeking to expand his horizons. This was in a Dragon somewhere, although probably a 20-year-old issue not commonly seen these days.


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## Angcuru (Mar 16, 2003)

Kilmore said:
			
		

> *For the barbarian who gets nothing right...
> 
> "I here to chew butt and kick bubblegum."
> 
> Another fine barbarian quote resource is Sergoi Aragones' excellent comic book "Groo." *




"Groo gets two swords? YAY!"

"Now Groo does what Groo does best! And then feast on cheese dip!"


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## Cold Beer (Mar 16, 2003)

Wolv0rine said:
			
		

> *Okay, it's not mine, but we all know it...
> 
> "Ariel!  Ookla!  Riiiiiide!"
> 
> heh heh heh *





Demon Dogs!!!


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## Angcuru (Mar 16, 2003)

Whazzawho? Never heard of that! 


"HULK *SMASH*!"


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## Anabstercorian (Mar 17, 2003)

From my now dead Barbarian, Cicero:

"The only way you're getting past me is if you're heading for Valhalla."


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## Chauzu (Mar 17, 2003)

"Ugh."


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## Finkin Swiftfingers (Mar 17, 2003)

Whenever my barbarian rages...he is so calm before he goes and kills everything standing:

"I rage."

That phrase has come to define not only my barbarian but myself now.


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## Dark Helmet (Mar 17, 2003)

Grog the Barbarian: "Come. We go to steal their farms, burn their daughters and rape their cattle!"

Grog's Companions:"Uh, Grog. Don't you mean we steal their cattle, burn their farms and rape their daughters?"

Grog the Barbarian:"You do what you like, Grog do what Grog like!"


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## Angcuru (Mar 17, 2003)

I hate it when it get my schwartz twisted!


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## pogre (Mar 17, 2003)

Barbarian gathering information in the village:



> I'm about to harvest me some peasants!






> Trample the weak, hurdle the dead!




Barbarian sneaky attack:



> I got something to axe you...


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## Eldorian (Mar 17, 2003)

In response to someone's comment of the order of "That dragon's gonna end up eating all of us!"

The response was "Then we'll just have to eat him."

Forget where that's from, but it's a good barbarian quote.

Eldorian Antar.

I know that I know more quotes, but I'm just not remembering them...


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## Balgus (Mar 17, 2003)

> Originally posted by Kilmore
> 
> "I here to chew butt and kick bubblegum."



 This one was from "They live" but very effectively used ina  game once...

"I am here to Chew bubblegum and kick @$$.  And I'm all out of Bubblegum"


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## s/LaSH (Mar 17, 2003)

The two great quotes of Groo, in order:

"A fray!"

and, subsequent to just about anything Groo does, including certain frays:

"Did I err?"


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## Cedric (Mar 17, 2003)

Played a Barbarian named Arnwolf Magnuson for a long time from snow driven, northern wastes...

His tag line for departing friends...

"May the snows never fill your last footprint..."

Cedric


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## Hypersmurf (Mar 17, 2003)

There were some fantastic ads for Dungeon Magazine in Dragon some many years ago, with the Dungeon Magazine Spokesbarbarian, Bubba.

One of the ads had Bubba's Useful Tips - the only one I can remember was "Chew lots of garlic.  It keeps the vampires and elves away."

The other ad I have a memory of was absolutely brilliant.  It had a picture of an elf falling down a chasm towards a purple worm waiting at the bottom.

*Bubba the Barbarian says:* _Don't Miss It!_

This here was Gephrekian Tallbow.  He was an elf.

"Here comes the rope, Geek!" I shouted.  "Don't miss it!"

"Hardly!" he snorted.  "My Dexterity score is 21, after all."

"That's good to know, Geek.  Don't miss it!"

"I'm a 15th level Ranger/Magic-User/Assassin, with a saving throw against everything of 2!  If you think that overgrown purple fishing lure down there scares me, you're sadly mistaken."

"I hear you, Geek!  Just don't miss it!"

"AND STOP CALLING ME GEEK, YOU STUPID HULK OF A BARBARIAAAAAAAAA--..."

Geek missed it.  Don't you do the same.

*Dungeon Magazine*.

-Hyp.


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## DispelAkimbo (Mar 17, 2003)

Dwarven Barbarian to Wizard after Elven party member is slain: Do you have a spare elf, ours is broken.


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## diaglo (Mar 17, 2003)

Half-Elven Barbarian Hero of my Story Hour. during a rage, to the Locked Door in the entrance of the Forge of Fury.

OPEN SEZ ME...


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## Robbert Raets (Mar 17, 2003)

*From Dungeon Siege:*

"Kodunk good at killing. *Smashing.* *ANYTHING!*
You like?"


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## ArcOfCorinth (Mar 17, 2003)

> "Ariel! Ookla! Riiiiiide!"






> *
> 
> 
> Demon Dogs!!! *




Lords of light!


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## Utrecht (Mar 17, 2003)

I think that you could use alot of the quotes of the hill tribes from GRR Martins books.

For example:  Shaga:  "Shaga cut off your c**k and feed it to the goats!!!!"


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## Angcuru (Mar 17, 2003)

"If Sulk loose fight, Sulk listen to old _Cure_ Albums."

"Books on Beowulf?. Go down to then end of the building, then go UP the spiral staircase.  You will see a row of shelves. Go down the row and enter aisle 3,597.  Go down that aisle. You're going to want to veer right, but stay to the left, *THE LEFT* I say! When you reach the aisle, look at the brick wall and push the _third_ brick _from the bottom_. The door will swing inwards, go through the door and DOWN the spiral staircase. If you've rented a helmet, the bats won't get you. When you reach the bottom, go through the _labirinth_. Make a left, a right, a right, a left, a left, a right, a left, a left, and then another right. When you exit the labirinth go across the lake. Get into the boat and go across the lake of _*fire*_. When you get to the other side, go through the woods, over the hill, and there you will see a stone cabin. Go up to the cabin, knock on the door, and *THERE* will be Beowulf *HIMSELF*!!!"

No wait, that's a LIBRARIAN, not a BARBARIAN. My bad.


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## Praeco (Mar 17, 2003)

SPOON!


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## s/LaSH (Mar 17, 2003)

Praeco said:
			
		

> *SPOON! *




NOT IN THE FACE!

Or, on a slightly more serious note, here's one I've always loved but isn't really fit for public pronouncement (you have been warned):

"By the black hairy balls of the Dark God!"


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## Dungannon (Mar 17, 2003)

From a halfling barbarianwho was extremely fond of fowl & eggs in an old campaign I used to participate in, upon seeing his first cockatrice,

"BIG CHICKEN!!!!"

He charged and was promptly turned to stone.  After he was restored, he no longer had a craving for eggs.


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## gunter uxbridge (Mar 18, 2003)

***Second edition - Farfig the Int 6 fighter just saw his first arquebus go off.  He snatches the very expensive "thunder stick" from this hands of its rightful owner***

"Hey.....pretty fancy fighting stick you have there.  Make nice club.  Mine now."

The owner didn't object too loudly.  

Farfig used that thing for the rest of the campaign as a club.  By the end it was so beaten and splintered it would make you cry.


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## Hypersmurf (Mar 18, 2003)

> *Farfig used that thing for the rest of the campaign as a club.  By the end it was so beaten and splintered it would make you cry. *




I once knew a fighter who'd at some point gone through a rift into a Gamma World campaign and come back.

He carried a Mark VII Laser Blaster Rifle around on his shoulder everywhere he went.

"It's a Staff of Lightning," he told us.  "I saw a wizard use it once.  Never figured out how to make it work, but one day I bet I can get some wizard to fix it..."

His companion had one bionic eye and one bionic leg - he could see for miles, and run really fast in circles...

-Hyp.


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## Replicant (Mar 18, 2003)

"Praise not the day until evening has come; a woman until she is burnt; a sword until it is tried; a maiden until she is married; ice until it has been crossed; beer until it has been drunk."

"The deeds of dead men are sung, and also the deeds of heroes who live, but never are sung the deeds of ordinary men."

And to a man who is afraid:

"That is because you think upon what is to come, and imagine fearsome things that would stop the blood of any man. Do not think ahead, and be cheerful by knowing that no man lives forever."

All three quotes are from Michael Crichton's Eaters of the Dead, a great and underappreciated book upon which the movie "The 13th Warrior" is based.


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## Replicant (Mar 18, 2003)

"Though life is lost, one thing will outlive us: memory sinks not beneath the mould.
Till the Weird of the World stands, unforgotten, high under heaven, the hero's name."

"Our lord has a need ... for a hewing with blades
 to throw back the threat at his throat and at ours.
Frightened men are not fit to follow him; 
rather we rally none but the dauntless
who ask no quarter from ax or arrow
and eye unblinking the ice-cold edges."

Poul Anderson, "Hrolf Kraki's Saga"


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## Krusk (Mar 18, 2003)

Personal favorite quote is haiku composed by James Bond in manner of Japanese poet Bassho...

"You only live twice:
Once when you're born, once when you
Look Death in the face."

From novel, _You Only Live Twice_, written by Ian Fleming.

Or alternatively,

*"GRRRAAAUGH!"*


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## starwolf (Mar 18, 2003)

Replicant said:
			
		

> *"Praise not the day until evening has come; a woman until she is burnt; a sword until it is tried; a maiden until she is married; ice until it has been crossed; beer until it has been drunk."
> 
> "The deeds of dead men are sung, and also the deeds of heroes who live, but never are sung the deeds of ordinary men."
> 
> ...




Actually the first two are real world Viking quotes. Crichton just reused them.


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## DungeonKeeperUK (Mar 18, 2003)

Not a barbarian quote but one directed at the barbarina, after getting board of the "conversation" the others were haveing Muk the dwarf barbarian went off to throw stones down a hole in teh desert floor form where Shadows had just attacked the party, quickly repremanded by the thief in the party with...
... all together now...

"Fool of a Muk...."


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## Emirikol (Mar 18, 2003)

LOTHAR, of the Hill People!




Remember that skit on Saturday Night Live?


Now there were some great quotes.

EM


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## Replicant (Mar 18, 2003)

starwolf said:
			
		

> *
> 
> Actually the first two are real world Viking quotes. Crichton just reused them. *




Good point, and one I'm well aware of.  Crichton was simply my source material.  Have you read Eaters, by the way?


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## Vargo (Mar 18, 2003)

"Gorge, guzzle, and wench, for tomorrow we get gutted!"

Then a wench's husband caught up with him while he was gorged and guzzled, and he got gutted. 

Don't remember where I read it, but it's a good one...


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## Larry Fitz (Mar 18, 2003)

In a campaign I ran, where all of the characters were from a barbarian tribe, a wizard had very nearly handed the party a TPK, then left. One of the barbarians gets a very serious look on his face and says, "Here's the plan: First I get better, then we go kill that guy!" The other barbarians nodded in agreement.


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## Angcuru (Mar 18, 2003)

I need to go read Eaters of the Dead now. I've been meaning to do it ever since I watched 'The 13th Warrior' (which was a crap title for such a good movie, by the way.) Big unemotional nordic dudes with huge swords RULE!


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## Hypersmurf (Mar 18, 2003)

> *I need to go read Eaters of the Dead now. I've been meaning to do it ever since I watched 'The 13th Warrior' (which was a crap title for such a good movie, by the way.) Big unemotional nordic dudes with huge swords RULE!  *




It's a strange movie.  When I first saw it, it felt kinda disjoint.  It didn't flow.  Things were set in motion, and then never went anywhere... like the Prince, or the girl...

Then I watched it a second time, and ignored that aspect of it, and it was pretty cool.

Then I bought it on DVD, and I think it's fantastic now.  It is lacking a lot of substance, but it has _style_.

I assumed that it was suffering from book-to-movie syndrome - that a lot of plot details ended up on the cutting room floor, and that the plot of the book would make more sense.

And then I read the book - good grief!  The movie managed to capture the feel of it pretty damned well.  Crichton wrote the book as though it was translated from recovered journal fragments, etc - so there _are_ missing details, and plot threads that go nowhere, and so on.

I was hoping the book would clear up some of the questions!  Aargh.

Edgtho the Silent makes a damned cool 3E Ranger, though.

"I thought you'd be in the tower."
"I know - that's why I'm not in it."

-Hyp.


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## Roland Delacroix (Mar 18, 2003)

Eldorian said:
			
		

> *In response to someone's comment of the order of "That dragon's gonna end up eating all of us!"
> 
> The response was "Then we'll just have to eat him."
> *




The dwarf fighter from Record of Lodoss War.  Excellent anime, the very essence of D&D.

There are some good quotes in some old Cerebus phone books I have around, i'll try and dig them up later...


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## drnuncheon (Mar 18, 2003)

Roland Delacroix said:
			
		

> *The dwarf fighter from Record of Lodoss War.  Excellent anime, the very essence of D&D.*




Not surprising, since it was based on a novel (or series) that was based on a D&D campaign.

J


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## Angcuru (Mar 19, 2003)

Record of Lodoss War based on books....

ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?!  

ANGCURU WANT! GIVE ! NOW!

Anyone notice how Chronicles of the Heroic Knight is practically identicle to the first in terms of Parn&Deedlit, Spark&Neese, Wagnard Syndrome?


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## Eldorian (Mar 19, 2003)

Ah yess, Rodossu War!  I remember where i got that now.  As for books, you can probably buy Record of Lodoss War graphic novels at your local friendly place to buy japanese graphic novels.  It's a great anime, worth a watch, not worth 100 bucks for the dvd series unless you're rolling in dough.  Me, I'm in college, the opposite of rolling in dough.

And a new quote

"Sure I walk in front.  What is "barbarian trap detection" mean?"

"Only coward look for traps first.  Just open it."


Eldorian Antar


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## krunchyfrogg (Mar 19, 2003)

I always thought that _Record of the Lodoss War_ was based on the writers own D&D campaign, and theat the graphic novels were from the animated series.

I could be wrong, though.



As for a quote;

_*HULK SMASH*_

Gotta wax a little classic barb.


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## zyzzyr (Mar 19, 2003)

Barbarians are defined by actions, not sayings 

Targ, suspecting a treasure in a room aflames, walks in.

DM: "You know the room's on fire, right?"

Me: "Yes."

Players: "Geez."

DM: "You rush into the room ... "

Me: "No, I stroll."

DM: "Ok, you stroll into a room aflames.  Take 15 damage.  Through the smoke you think you can make out a chest ablaze in the corner."

Me: "I open it."

DM: "But it's on fire."

Me: "I know.  I open it."

DM: "You reach into the flames, taking another 23 damage.  The smell of burned flesh fills your nose."

Me: "I pause and inhale deeply, remembering the smell of charred corpses piled upon each other after a successful raid."

Or upon finding an ogre's altar has a false bottom filled with decomposing bodies.

Me: "I jump in and start digging with my axe, ignoring any possibility of disease or infection."

DM: "The smell is just horrible ... awful ... you retch."

Me: "I vomit joyously, remembering the puking masses teeming from their huts after seeing their loved ones mowed down by my axe."

And it netted me 3000 platinum too.  Nobody in the party complained once about the stench, which lasted a week.


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## Angcuru (Mar 19, 2003)

ick


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## JacktheRabbit (Mar 19, 2003)

Angcuru said:
			
		

> *
> 
> "Now Groo does what Groo does best! And then feast on cheese dip!"
> 
> *




This is supposed to be barbarian quotes.

It is NOT supposed to be intellectual statements by Greenbay Packer fans.


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## Endur (Mar 20, 2003)

*Groo*

My younger brother used to roleplay Groo in our D&D campaign (back in 1e).  Groo had 18/00 str, 18 con, 18 dex, 3 int, 3 wis, 3 chr.  The perfect barbarian. 

Groo even had his own critical and fumble charts.  Fumbles were bad news for Groo's allies (typical fumble was a critical hit on an ally).

Tom


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## NewJeffCT (Mar 20, 2003)

Well, I can say the most inappropriate thing ever said by a barbarian in game happened a few months ago in our game.  All of our PCs were human.  We were in the Kalamar setting in the land of Reannaria.  In this part of the world, humans are much below the average heightwise – even males average a little over 5 feet tall.  However, one guy convinced the DM to be a barbarian outlander of Chaotic Good alignment.  Since we were playing by the book, he rolled HUGE on the height and weight chart.  I think his human barbarian was like 6’10” and over 300 pounds.

We were going through the town square during a holiday.  This barbarian rolls high on his spot check and notices a little 8 year old girl stealing his coin pouch from his belt.  Rather than laugh it off (he only had a few silver in there) or grab her himself, he called out in a crowded square, "Guard, she grabbed my pouch!!"

We sat there in stunned silence and just started cracking up.


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## Rackhir (Mar 20, 2003)

Vargo said:
			
		

> *"Gorge, guzzle, and wench, for tomorrow we get gutted!"
> 
> Then a wench's husband caught up with him while he was gorged and guzzled, and he got gutted.
> 
> Don't remember where I read it, but it's a good one... *




It's from the third Xanth novel by Piers Anthony, Castle Roogna. The main char had the ability to make items talk to him (great source of information) and the above quote was from a sword, about the father of the real owner of the body he was inhabiting. IIRC, though I believe the phrasing was slightly different.


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## Kilmore (Mar 21, 2003)

Hate to add to a hijack, but I had the opportunity to hear the creator of Lodoss Wars, Ryo Mizuno, speak in Chicago a couple of years ago.

Actually, Pirotess was created by the animators for the anime, and Mizuno ended up writing her into the books.  Kinda like how Harley Quinn ended up in the Batman mythos.


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## Kilmore (Mar 21, 2003)

*Re: Groo*



			
				Endur said:
			
		

> *My younger brother used to roleplay Groo in our D&D campaign (back in 1e).  Groo had 18/00 str, 18 con, 18 dex, 3 int, 3 wis, 3 chr.  The perfect barbarian.
> 
> Groo even had his own critical and fumble charts.  Fumbles were bad news for Groo's allies (typical fumble was a critical hit on an ally).
> 
> Tom *




I think we all knew a Groo in first ed.


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## blackshirt5 (Mar 21, 2003)

NewJeffCT said:
			
		

> *Well, I can say the most inappropriate thing ever said by a barbarian in game happened a few months ago in our game.  All of our PCs were human.  We were in the Kalamar setting in the land of Reannaria.  In this part of the world, humans are much below the average heightwise – even males average a little over 5 feet tall.  However, one guy convinced the DM to be a barbarian outlander of Chaotic Good alignment.  Since we were playing by the book, he rolled HUGE on the height and weight chart.  I think his human barbarian was like 6’10” and over 300 pounds.
> 
> We were going through the town square during a holiday.  This barbarian rolls high on his spot check and notices a little 8 year old girl stealing his coin pouch from his belt.  Rather than laugh it off (he only had a few silver in there) or grab her himself, he called out in a crowded square, "Guard, she grabbed my pouch!!"
> 
> We sat there in stunned silence and just started cracking up. *





Simply amazing.  Angcuru, you should have quotes like this to go with your obcene names.


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## blackshirt5 (Mar 21, 2003)

And for sheer insanity with the barbarian's, let me never forget(as hard as I may try) the Dwarven Barbarian Jug Band, from a first edition game.  Jug Band walked around pantless(did I mention that he was half man, half woman?), proudly screaming his name for all to hear.  Until an old woman threw a pot of boiling water on his crotch.  At which point, Jug Band beat her to death, dismembered her(it was around Halloween, and we had gone for a haunted hayride), put her up in various parts of the woods, and then would abduct people, throw them, bound, into the back of his cart, climb up, turn around, and proudly say, "Welcome to the Jug Band Hayride!"

I still shudder when I think of that character.


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## Angcuru (Mar 22, 2003)

Damn you blackshirt!

Just because I make an doppleganger character named Pholus, you have to immediately assume that the name is connected with PHALLUS. A Phallus is not a dong, you ass, but a symbol/expression of masculinity, I.E. a souped-up racecar could be phallic.

BLACKSHIRT HAS A DIRTY MIND! BACK AWAY WHILE YE STILL CAN!


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## Angcuru (Mar 22, 2003)

OOGA-CHAKA! OOGA CHAKA! OOOOO-GAAAA-CHAKA!!! - Barbarian with 20 int, and 18 ranks in bluff.


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## Gog (Mar 22, 2003)

First the set up -

It was a Living City game and we had just killed some kind of 
monsters (can't remember what) that had gotten into a tavern and killed and started to eat the people there.

Now the delivery

DM - "A older woman runs up to your group out side the tavern "Please tell me was my husband in there, he said he was headed to the tavern about an hour ago"

Me playing my Hal-Orc Barb "Don't know what he look like gnawed on"

The whole table kinda looked at me funny the rest of the game.


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## Muaddib (Mar 22, 2003)

"Uggh kill man, elf help horse," spoken by Uggh after he had failed to ride the captive pegasus in the midst of a battle.  The elven soon-to-be bladesinger was not having the easiest time in the combat that Uggh had been ignoring.


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## Kid Charlemagne (Mar 22, 2003)

"Why is magic evil?  Just think about it.  If I threw a magical item on the floor of this room, you would be fighting over it in moments.  Magic causes more trouble than women, and women cause _lots_ of trouble!"


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## Angcuru (Mar 23, 2003)

but they cause a good deal of pleasure as well WOOHOO!


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## Emirikol (Dec 31, 2004)

*Mongol Barbarian Quotes*

Learn Khitaian (from Hyboria/CONAN) in 5 Minutes (translated from Learn Chinese in 5 minutes) by Jay
Hafner

1) That is not right....................Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?........Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP..........................Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man...........................Dum F*

5) Small Horse..........................Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?.............Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a halfling.........Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift..............Chin TuFat

9) It is very dark in this dungeon................Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet.............Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) You cannot leave your warhorse here...............No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week...Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight...................Lei Ying Lo

14) He is cleaning his horse...........Wa Shing Po Ni

15) Your body odor is offensive..............Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great....................................Fa Kin Su Pah


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## Ferret (Jan 1, 2005)

"Safety in numbers. And I am two or three at least."

"I don't trust you as far as I could throw you. Even though I could throw you quite far."

Correct me If I've misquoted.


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## WmRAllen67 (Jan 1, 2005)

*And every story told in a tavern ends with...*

"...And then I hit him!"




(With apologies to legions of SCA Stick-Jocks... 'cause they hit hard and some of them know who I am...)


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## Jondor_Battlehammer (Jan 1, 2005)

Actions do speak louder than words. The party came to the end of a dungeon that contained a summoning circle that was releasing monsters into the world from another plane. As the party planned on entering the circle and seek a means to destroy it on the other side, our Barbarian/Forsaker took his oversized adamantine warhammer and proceeded to smash the flooring to dust. Didn't bat an eye at it either, it was his first reaction to the situation. His personality is somewhat akin to Ash from Army of Darkness.


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## Mark Chance (Jan 1, 2005)

Spoken by a half-orc barbarian/fighter I ran as part of a group that went through the Sunless Citadel: "Ooh! Dibs on the elf pudding!"

And now a cautionary tale:

Two grim cutthroats step out of dark alley to confront a hulking Cimmerian.

"Me and him will be taking your money now," hisses one cutthroat.

"Me and him? Me and him?" says the disgusted hulking Cimmerian. "Me and him are objective case pronouns, you imbecile! They cannot be used as nominatives! You must use he and I instead! Ooh, that makes me mad! GAAAAR!"

The hulking Cimmerian dismembers the cutthroat with bad grammar, but lets the other one live. Before the spared cutthroat runs away in terror, the Cimmerian is heard to say:

"Make sure that you warn all of your kind about crossing swords with Conan the Grammarian!"


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## shilsen (Jan 1, 2005)

Mark Chance said:
			
		

> And now a cautionary tale:
> 
> ...
> 
> "Make sure that you warn all of your kind about crossing swords with Conan the Grammarian!"




*sighs*

*picks up stick with Hong-shaped indentation in it*

*beats Mark Chance with stick*

By the way, nice story !


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## rbingham2000 (Jan 1, 2005)

My favorite Gimli-quote from Return of the King (don't know if you'd call HIM a barbarian, though):

"Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we waiting for?"


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## Templetroll (Jan 1, 2005)

From "The Long Ships" a great Richard Widmark/Sidney Portier viking movie... The quote was said when he had an encounter with the wife of the Moorish Prince and she helped him to escape by lieing.

 Memorable Quotes from 
The Long Ships (1963)
Rolfe: If we ever had children, my lady, what princely liars they would be!


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## Romnipotent (Jan 1, 2005)

"This smacks of conspiracy!" my barbarian in noble clothes
"Thats a big word for you isn't it" some other guy
"My parents, may their shallow graves never be found, taught it to me"


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## Hand of Evil (Jan 1, 2005)

The following are from things my brother has said in game playing his barbarian.

Barbarian adventure to villian: 

_The only adventure is the great adventure and that means scars, lets make some, hero!_

Barbarian to Dwarf:

_I like your axe, how much wood can you cut with it?_

Barbarian to Mage:

_So, spellcaster do you do poof?_

Barbarian to other party members:

_Man's only worth is the bastards he leaves behind._


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## Samuel Leming (Jan 1, 2005)

After helping to defeat the drow warrior wizard known as Whetfarat, Thuhd the orc barbarian strode over to the dark elf's fallen dragonel mount and severed the last four feet of its tail.  Holding the severed tail high, Thuhd exclaimed, "What more can any orc want?  A good fight and a piece of tail afterwards!"


Sam


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## Brakkart (Jan 1, 2005)

Gotta love Thrud the Barbarian by Carl Critchlow.

"By the sacred jockstrap of Robert E. Howard!!"

"Right... More beer!" (after he's killed everything in sight)

"You... Spilled... My... Beer!!" (as he rages)

Still my fave character in the series (back in White Dwarf, she's yet to appear in the comic book) is Lymara the She-Wildebeaste, who hates Thrud cos he accidentally wiped out her entire family!


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## Sparky (Jan 2, 2005)

A favorite from a tabletop campaign I played in this past year... the group had been thrown together by a benefactor, this quiote came from a chat as the newly formed party rode out to its destination.

GITHERZAI PC: I am from The Planes.

_Barbarian sighs heartily_

KOHGA THE BARBARIAN: Ahh, the plains... I know them well. You are from the North?



I'll have to see if I can dig up more from this character... he and his player had us in stitches practically every session.


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## Ace (Jan 2, 2005)

Replicant said:
			
		

> "Praise not the day until evening has come; a woman until she is burnt; a sword until it is tried; a maiden until she is married; ice until it has been crossed; beer until it has been drunk."
> 
> "The deeds of dead men are sung, and also the deeds of heroes who live, but never are sung the deeds of ordinary men."
> 
> ...





Well Chriton got the first couple of them from the Havamal -- the words of Odin no less

A favorite from a very old 2e game of mine from a horse nomad spirit warrior fighter 

We are the Toulani the people of many manes and thundering hooves -- 

this was good enough to become a permanent add on phrase for the game world

Another one I like is from the old Flash Gordan cartoon - I think it was Prince Baron who was more an archer/ranger type but still " Ah Good Friends, A beautiful woamn and plenty of fighting to be done. what more could anyone ask" 

Also from Flash Gordan (this time the movie) Brian Blessed as Voltan King of the Hawkmen "Ah well who wants to live forever" --


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## Ice man (Jan 2, 2005)

Long time ago...first edition barbarian...with gambling habit...group members trying to distract him so he would not break magic items in room..."Knucklebones?  Yes, I will take all your silver, shaman, it pleases me to worship your god with your coin!

Also, only heard once, in a tavern "Brack, what a stupid name for a barbarian!"

Had a barbarian who wouldn't take a patron deity as no god had proven that he was more powerful than a barbarian.  One day he was smashing things and found a fist sized stone that he could not break.  He declared the stone to be his deity.  when group would ask for divine intervention/blessings in a tough fight Brack would produce his rock, shout "god aid me" and throw it at his foes...i don't think he ever missed with that rock...


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## Darkness (Jan 2, 2005)

shilsen said:
			
		

> *sighs*
> 
> *picks up stick with Hong-shaped indentation in it*
> 
> ...



 Thank you, shilsen. He really deserved that.


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## NewJeffCTHome (Jan 2, 2005)

Kilmore said:
			
		

> For the barbarian who gets nothing right...
> 
> "I here to chew butt and kick bubblegum."
> 
> Another fine barbarian quote resource is Sergoi Aragones' excellent comic book "Groo."




we actually had a guy that gave us real quotes like that in game.  He was a nice guy out of game, and always one to bring extra bottled water or soda & snacks... but, when it came to role-playing, he always put his foot in his mouth.  Some examples:

On a long trek as a caravan guard, a female guard decides to hit on him:
Barbarian's response: "I do not walk that way with women."  (He was trying to say that he only slept with women of his own tribe...)
DM, without missing a beat, as indignant female NPC: "well, you have plenty of choices for men around here then!"

Another time, as a 6'10" 300 pound powerhouse (he actually rolled on a chart for that and rolled very high!) visiting a land of people that were barely over 5 feet tall on average - so, he stuck out in a crowded festival.  A young 8 year old tries to snatch his money pouch.  She succeeds, but he spots her... rather than grab her, or laugh it off, this Chaotic Good barbarian yells, "Guards! she grabbed my pouch!!!"

Later that evening, at a festival dance, a petite little thing grabs him to dance.  The rest of the group starts tossing coins at him (a festival tradition, as the girl was a barmaid and would use the cash as tips...), he gets flustered and shouts, "hey, you could put my eye out with that!"

So, this guy is always playing barbarians of questionable manliness it seems!


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## Janx (Jan 2, 2005)

From Rau, my half-orc barbarian  (now 20th level):

On parley:
"yes, I know how to parley.  First we talk.  Then they pi$$ me off and I kill them."

On clerics in combat:
"Heal me, woman!!  Now!!!"

On dealing with talkative gnomes that turn out to be evil illusionists:
"I knew I should have killed that *!@$ing gnome when you were talking to him!"


On dealing with large monsters:
"Mine's dead, you done yet?"
Said to party after Rau killed one single handedly while the party took out the other gargantuan chaos roc.

On treasure that isn't better weapons and armor:
"All those rods, potions, wands and stuff is crap.  When're we gonna get some real treasure?"

Just to pick a few.


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## Romnipotent (Jan 3, 2005)

my refined noble barbarian once said.
"Garcon! There is a fly in my soup... A FLY IN MY SOUP!"
"Im terribly sorry, I'll get you another bowl"
"Good, and bring back more flies this time!"

up until this point he had seemed like the perfect gentleman, aristocrat3/monk2/Barbarian 4

way to greet the new party member too


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## Andrew D. Gable (Jan 3, 2005)

The motto on the heraldric crest of my Welsh ancestors is some great barbarian words.  Translated from Latin, "Life is short, glory is forever".

Said during the climactic battle in a campaign or shortly before some amazing act of valor, I reckon.


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## Sugarmouse (Jan 3, 2005)

Had a Dwarven Skyraider called Lothair in ED once.

During one memorable fight: "Your blood on my axe, orc b***h!" 

A fine Battle Shout that turned out to be very prophetic. She was higher circle too.

*wistful sigh*


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## qstor (Jan 3, 2005)

I was DMing an LG game with a friend playing a half orc barbarian with a magic spiked chain. He attacked a rust monster and the chain failed it's Reflex save. Next round he threw the ramains of the chain and cried "Damm bug!" raged and proceeded to crush it to bits with his fists.

Mike


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## The_Gneech (Jan 3, 2005)

Gog said:
			
		

> First the set up -
> 
> It was a Living City game and we had just killed some kind of
> monsters (can't remember what) that had gotten into a tavern and killed and started to eat the people there.
> ...




Now that's comedy!  

   -The Gneech


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## Rel (Jan 3, 2005)

I'm not normally much of a "barbarian guy" but I played one for a one-off at the first NC Game Day and had a blast.  Aggro the Axe (Barb 1/Ranger 1, axe in each hand)

So we're pursuing a bard who has stolen a magic flute and set a fire to cover his tracks.  I burst into the local guardhouse:

"Awake Guards!!  There be flute-wielding arsonists about!"

*guards awake groggily*

"Alright, where is the LIQUOR!!"

*guards ask what the hell I'm talking about*

"I'm talking about this!" *holds out foppish bard had left at the scene of the crime* "The sort of man who would wear a hat like THIS shall not be suffered to LIVE!!" *storms out of guardhouse*

*guards look at each other*  "Who was he?"

Later in the adventure...

"I smell JUSTICE!"

"He needs a good dose of JUSTICE!"

"There shall be JUSTICE TONIGHT!"

and

"EAT MY JUSTICE!!!"


I explained later that Aggro conflated the meanings of the words "Justice" and "Death".

Great fun.  I'm not sure I could keep the intensity up for an entire campaign though.


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## houser2112 (Jan 3, 2005)

Eldorian said:
			
		

> No!  I vill not be rescued by voman!  I vould be laughing stock of Northland.  No voman would marry me!  Some hero, me.
> Eldorian Antar




This sounds like a quote by Kraki Kronarsson from Greg Costikyan's "Another Day, Another Dungeon".  It's a very funny read, all the characters are overtly stereotypical for their class.


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## Lord Judas (Jan 3, 2005)

I can't believe no one has quoted this from a recent Order of the Stick:

"Who will be the moron after Gortok's white-hot anger crushes your little body in a mangled bloody pulp while Gortok sings a jaunty little tune to accompany your unanswered cries for mercy?"

And my own from "Goth the Slayer"

"I am going to count my gold now. 1....2....uh....2.....2.....2...."


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## JackGiantkiller (Jan 3, 2005)

from my first 3.0 PC, Asnhak (PC name and line both cribbed from Mary gentle's Grunts)

"Hand me another elf. This one's split."

"You go down the stinking hole, dwarf. I'm going through the door." (BLAM, no more door.)


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## Evilhalfling (Jan 3, 2005)

while playing a Gencon game - 
"I have a  sword, Its been 2 hours, and there is NO BLOOD on it! "


actually said by a fighter but it applies  to barbarians as well.
2hrs of searching a puzzel dungeon, with this player demanding to go through the obvious way 
finally the party exausts all other options and they head through the door - which of course was the right way.


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## Snapdragyn (Jan 4, 2005)

In a campaign that ended shortly after this happened:

My barbarian, Galorin, was heavy on the 'country lout in the big city' characteristics. Sunbathing nude on the deck of a ship, blithely unaware of the stares this was attracting; spouting mangled bits of Draconic he'd overhead from the party 'face' -- whatever he did, he did it wide-eyed & innocent while the chips fell all over. In particular, he found it a great thing that there were men who would pay for his... erm... 'services'. A night of fun AND coin? Man, these outlanders are DUMB! Win-win!

This was fine until we ended up in a heavily lawful region, & his latest 'friend' went missing the next morning (taken by the rogue's guild to warn the party rogue away from honing in on their turf).

Later we met with the captain of the local Purple Dragon Knights, who asked if we had any information about a missing merchant with green eyes & a red cloak.

Galorin: Oh! A missing merchant? That's TWO missing, then!

Captain: Two?

Galorin: Yes, I met a merchant last night. I shared his bed, & then he gave me present of gold coins. He had emerald eyes & a scarlet cloak, & a little sneaky man this morning told me he'd been taken prisoner!

Captain: So... your um, 'friend' had green eyes & a re...

Galorin, interrupting: No no, _emerald_ eyes & a _scarlet_ cloak.

Captain: Green...

Galorin, interrupting: emerald

Captain: eyes & a red...

Galorin, interrupting: scarlet

Captain: cloak.

Galorin, aside to party: (He doesn't listen well.)

He was quite confused to be thrown in jail just for having fun & getting paid for it, & emerged the next day (thanks to the party agreeing to help uncover the rogues) a somewhat humbled barbarian.

Later that session the party 'face' (name forgotten, oops) was negotiatirg with someone for a map, & as part of the deal he was offering the party's services (of a more conventional nature). Galorin starting tapping him on the shoulder while he was speaking...

Galorin: But...

Face: & we could certainly lead you...

Galorin: but...

Face: or even take care of...

Galorin: but...

Face: WHAT?!

Galorin: (meekly) ... don't let him pay you for it.

It became the party motto for the rest of the campaign... which, sadly, lasted until the end of that session. *sigh*


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## Naathez (Jan 4, 2005)

This happened in a campaign I DMed a LONG time ago...  it wasn't even D20.

Kraen the Rowl (Rowls were a kind of catfolk) is standing guard as the party sleeps in a clearing in a wood. he hears a noise, and decides to go investigate - but chooses first to wake up Pantz (NOT a pun in Italian) the Barbarian, a 7 foot tall mountain of muscle to tell him to guard the rest of the sleeping party while he's gone.

K: Pantz, I heard something. I'm going to have a look, you stay here and guard the others.
P: No. Dangerous, Pantz come with cat-man.
K: Er Pantz... that's not a good idea, you're a little - 
P: PANTZ COME WITH CAT-MAN!
K: ookay....
Kraen walks in front, his softly padded feet making no noise on the undergrowth. And behind him comes Pantz, cracking EVERY branch, stepping on EVERY fallen leaf, and idly tapping his warhammer as he walks. 
K: (exhasperated, turning around, glaring, and putting a finger to his lips): SHHHHH!!!
Pantz nods in understanding. Looks behind himself. Turns back to Kraen.
And says "Noone behind Pantz."


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## Synchronicity (Jan 4, 2005)

In one adventuring party I was in, there were two orc barbarians who were brothers.  Both had Int of 13 or 14, but weren't great at speaking Common, so they sounded stupid..and while they weren't stupid, they were..direct.

1st brother (to second brother): "Me go to meet girly-man noble and see what he want. If me not back by dawn, use Discretion."

Other party member: "You're actually asking him to use _discretion?!_" (Implied: and you know what it means?!)

2nd brother: "Of course." *holds up greatxe* "This Crusher." *holds up slightly smaller greataxe.* "This Discretion."


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