# 100 Reasons why Dunedain (and men) prefer Elven Maidens



## Rashak Mani (Jan 1, 2003)

Beutiful Eowyn sighs for Aragorn... and he doesnt even give her a second glance. Why ?  Why do Men prefer Elven chicks ?  

1 - Your Elven wife will never look old

2 - She will never complain about feeling old

3 - They get babies only every 20-40 years if at all...

4 - Her perception of time is very different... if you leave for a week long trip she will barely notice your absence...

5-  She will require much less attention due to this time perception too...

6 - You will almost surely never be a widower !

7 - They have hundreds of year of experience in all manners of elven kama sutra...

   Continue...


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## Eridanis (Jan 1, 2003)

8 - Having a wife who is smarter and wiser than you is a turn-on

9 - Pointy Ears! Say no more...

10 - Their garden apartment really IS a garden

11 - Dowry? What would powerful elven lords have as a dowry?


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## Mark (Jan 1, 2003)

12. If they don't have big parts, they can be rewritten to appear larger...


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## Andrew D. Gable (Jan 1, 2003)

I can think of some DnD reasons why - the whole absence of body hair thing probably helps a liddle .  But I dunno if Tolkien said _that_.


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## Larry Fitz (Jan 2, 2003)

14. High Cheekbones.

15. Access to Rings of Power untouched by Sauron.

16. Can do really special things with water.

17. Uncle runs a cruise ship line out of the Grey Havens.

18. After hundreds of years with Elven men, they are so grateful to meet straight guys.


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## Corinth (Jan 2, 2003)

All Elf women get their clothes from Fredrick's of Rivendell.


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## jdavis (Jan 2, 2003)

20. When you get tired of them you can stick them on a boat and send them overseas, never to be seen again.

21. Don't have to worry about fat elven chicks.

22. Free Aerosmith concert tickets.


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## Rashak Mani (Jan 2, 2003)

jdavis said:
			
		

> *20. When you get tired of them you can stick them on a boat and send them overseas, never to be seen again.
> 
> *





   HAHAHA !!! This is the best by far !  If she actually goes is another question thou....


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## JRRNeiklot (Jan 2, 2003)

6 - You will almost surely never be a widower !


Um, this is a plus?


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## jdavis (Jan 2, 2003)

Rashak Mani said:
			
		

> *
> 
> 
> HAHAHA !!! This is the best by far !  If she actually goes is another question thou.... *




Just tell her she won a cruise but you have to work that weekend cleaning out a goblin stronghold.


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## Rashak Mani (Jan 2, 2003)

23 - She actually thinks a beard or face that needs shaving as something exotic and sexy !   (So much for hairless elves)


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## -Warlord- (Jan 2, 2003)

24- Because "Take out the trash" and "Don't forget to pick up the groceries" actually sounds pretty good when spoken in quenya.

25- Because your mother-in-law went to the West. (Insert "Wicked witch of the West" joke here)

26- You can borrow her elven cloak whenever unwanted familymembers or the IRS come knocking on your door.


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## Bagpuss (Jan 2, 2003)

jdavis said:
			
		

> *21. Don't have to worry about fat elven chicks.
> *




There's a fat elven nurse in "Seven Strongholds", it made me wonder is there any reason why elves can't be overweight? I know all the stereotypes are thin, but is that a "fixed" racial trait?


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## jdavis (Jan 2, 2003)

Bagpuss said:
			
		

> *
> 
> There's a fat elven nurse in "Seven Strongholds", it made me wonder is there any reason why elves can't be overweight? I know all the stereotypes are thin, but is that a "fixed" racial trait? *




As far as Tolkin is concerned they are just written that way, Tolken's Noldor Elves are also quite tall. I don't think there is anything in D&D that says that elves are always skinny. If the elf chick gets fat she's on the boat for the final voyage though.


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## stevelabny (Jan 2, 2003)

Larry Fitz said:
			
		

> *
> 
> 18. After hundreds of years with Elven men, they are so grateful to meet straight guys. *




BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. thats hysterical. but very true.



27. what? they should prefer DWARVEN women?

28. the elvish women have always been surrounded by thousands of trees so they don't mind when you have WOOD.

steve


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## Rashak Mani (Jan 2, 2003)

-Warlord- said:
			
		

> 25- Because your mother-in-law went to the West. (Insert "Wicked witch of the West" joke here)




    Problem is until she does go west... she never DIES !  Can be a major disadvantage !  Never mind complaining about your mortality !


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## MerakSpielman (Jan 2, 2003)

29. It's the only solution to the "older women have more experience but younger women still look good" dillemma.

30. Bragging rights.


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## Nifft (Jan 2, 2003)

31. (1st movie) Elf chicks ride long, hard, and bareback.

32. Elf chicks have access to pre-historic Cliff Bars (a.k.a. "Waybread").

33. Where would you rather live: a tree-top penthouse or a glorified stable?

34. Elf chicks don't  try to compete with you in terms of sword size.

35. Human chicks don't giggle at the old "do you have any Noldor in you?" line.

36. Elf magic prevents "morning breath".

37. Elf chicks only have that "time of month" once every 3 years.

 -- Nifft


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## Wolfspirit (Jan 2, 2003)

Mark said:
			
		

> *12. If they don't have big parts, they can be rewritten to appear larger...  *




You know, this can have multiple meanings


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## Mathew_Freeman (Jan 2, 2003)

38. Elven maidens are quite willing to up swords and stick arrows in people they don't like, including the taxman, orcs, people with a funny look...

39. All Elves sing well. Even the mother-in-law.

40. All Elves can dance gracefully. This means the post-wedding party won't be an embarrassment - for her side of the family at least.


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## megamania (Jan 2, 2003)

41   Graceful and flexible
42   Honeymoon in rivendale


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## clark411 (Jan 2, 2003)

43. Just like every other married elven couple, your nightly yelling fits somehow sound like soothing music.

44. You get a little amulet.  It's so little!

45. If you pull a few strings, you can probably get a nice suit of elven armor (rather than stinky Gondor bird head armor or Rohan "yeah, we like Horses" crap.)


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## officeronin (Jan 2, 2003)

Nifft said:
			
		

> *37. Elf chicks only have that "time of month" once every 3 years.
> *




Yes, but it lasts for 6 months...

46.  Shows up in your dreams to nag you -- but only once in a while...

47.  Doesn't mind if your sword is broken.

OfficeRonin


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## Nifft (Jan 2, 2003)

officeronin said:
			
		

> *
> Yes, but it lasts for 6 months...
> *




Perfect time to go slay a Dark Lord or two! 

48. Elf chicks are impressed that Men only need 20 minutes (or so) between romps -- Elf males need at least a fortnight.

 -- Nifft


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## KitanaVorr (Jan 2, 2003)

Nifft said:
			
		

> *48. Elf chicks are impressed that Men only need 20 minutes (or so) between romps -- Elf males need at least a fortnight.
> 
> -- Nifft *




oh...I could start a whole line of why elf men are so much more...ah...satisfiable... 

1. Human men the romps tend to last a couple of seconds...but time line of an elven male makes it last sooo much longer....]

2. Elves are naturally proficient with...long swords...are they not?

3. Elf society believes in equality of the sexes and actually practices it

4. Okay what woman didn't want to swoon at the way Legolas shot those arrows in quick succession!  And he hit the right spot every time.

5. Again with the time line of elven males...fidelity takes on a whole new wonderful meaning...


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## Rashak Mani (Jan 2, 2003)

KitanaVorr said:
			
		

> *
> 3. Elf society believes in equality of the sexes and actually practices it
> *



    One more reference to Elven male homosexuality !    That is what I call "equality".


    I do have to mention that some of us humans do romps that last longer than a couple of seconds... but I dont want to brag here.

   BTW Legolas carries a Long Knife... not a long sword... hehe.  If hitting the G... I mean the right spot is enough with that I dont know. Like we say here its the magic that the wand makes that matters... not its size.


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## KitanaVorr (Jan 2, 2003)

Rashak Mani said:
			
		

> *One more reference to Elven male homosexuality !    That is what I call "equality".*




That would be the perfect example of why women adore homosexual men and wish they were straight!  Straight men should take a clue from that if they want to win over a woman and actually keep her. (faithful or otherwise)


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## Nifft (Jan 2, 2003)

KitanaVorr said:
			
		

> *oh...I could start a whole line of why elf men are so much more...ah...satisfiable...
> *




I wish you the best with your Elven male! Enjoy him to the fullest!

Just give me Liv Tyler... 

 -- Nifft

PS: I'm all for equality, especially if it means that a woman is willing to take me out to dinner and get herself drunk.


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## Agback (Jan 2, 2003)

Bagpuss said:
			
		

> *... is there any reason why elves can't be overweight? I know all the stereotypes are thin, but is that a "fixed" racial trait? *




More likely it is a result of the elvish hunter-gatherer diet: high in lean game meat and low in carbohydrate. (I never could imagine the Noldo ploughing. Reaping, just possibly, ploughing, never!)

Regards,


Agback


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## BOZ (Jan 2, 2003)

KitanaVorr said:
			
		

> *That would be the perfect example of why women adore homosexual men and wish they were straight!  Straight men should take a clue from that if they want to win over a woman and actually keep her. (faithful or otherwise)     *




aw man, if i was on nutkinland...  but alas, i must keep it clean.  

so, if i *edit*with gay men, then women will be attracted to me.  yeah, i like that idea!


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## Rashak Mani (Jan 3, 2003)

Hey !  Hold it guys... this is 3rd Edition !  Almost no Half elves around... all this race crossovers arent possible !  

   Kitana are you sure gays can teach us anything ?  I´d rather have you for a teacher...


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## Guilt Puppy (Jan 3, 2003)

Which brings us to:

49. Your kids will get a free ride through college, because everyone will feel bad that they got the shaft.

And regarding the "ability to satisfy":

50: Elves are immune to sleep.


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## Rashak Mani (Jan 3, 2003)

>>50: Elves are immune to sleep.

  Bingo !  That was a hard hit to the male cause !  You traitor !


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## KitanaVorr (Jan 3, 2003)

Nifft said:
			
		

> *
> 
> I wish you the best with your Elven male! Enjoy him to the fullest!
> 
> ...




You can have Arwen and her rather boring personality.  I prefer Legolas any day!


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## KitanaVorr (Jan 3, 2003)

Rashak Mani said:
			
		

> *Kitana are you sure gays can teach us anything ?  I´d rather have you for a teacher... *




sure thing, let me get out my whip and teach you a few things about my favorite topic...female dominance and male submission...


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## KitanaVorr (Jan 3, 2003)

Guilt Puppy said:
			
		

> *50: Elves are immune to sleep. *




 oh yeah....OH YEAH!  I absolutely love that!


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## mythago (Jan 3, 2003)

Careful, Kitana, you're gonna scare off all the guys who are trying to put Quenya-language "No Fat Chicks" stickers on their dice bags. 



> Kitana are you sure gays can teach us anything




Leaving out the vast paragraphs that would offend Eric's grandma....let's just say that maintenance of one's physical appearance and fashion sense are two of the biggies. Ever seen an Elf guy with a beer gut?


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## jdavis (Jan 3, 2003)

You people are going to give me a complex, since when did fat, lazy and scruffy looking become undesirable male traits? I'm going to have to reinvent myself, maybe after dinner and a nap.


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## Black Omega (Jan 3, 2003)

jdavis said:
			
		

> *You people are going to give me a complex, since when did fat, lazy and scruffy looking become undesirable male traits? I'm going to have to reinvent myself, maybe after dinner and a nap. *




Actually, scuffy looking seems to work pretty well for Aragorn.

Now with all elfgirls around, if the Witchking only had access to Evard's Black Tentacles LotR could have been hentai.


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## Alzrius (Jan 3, 2003)

KitanaVorr said:
			
		

> *You can have Arwen and her rather boring personality. *




She has a boring personality? I didn't notice that part, I was too busy sizing up other aspects of her...

...her magic abilities, fencing, archery...what did you think I was going to say?


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## jdavis (Jan 3, 2003)

Alzrius said:
			
		

> *
> 
> She has a boring personality? I didn't notice that part, I was too busy sizing up other aspects of her...
> 
> ...her magic abilities, fencing, archery...what did you think I was going to say?  *




I find her best quality is her ability to get on a boat, after a couple of hundred years of "My Dad is a Rock Star" it would be time to put her on a boat and send her off to never be seen again in Middle Earth.


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## Rashak Mani (Jan 3, 2003)

I have to agree with Kitana about the boring Arwen personality thing... so much for her other attributes... give me a girl with some brains and personality anyday.

   As for the dominance thing... hhmmm.... we will have some problems Kitana until I show you your proper place... I am much more into females being dominated by me....


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## Sixchan (Jan 3, 2003)

Rashak Mani said:
			
		

> *I have to agree with Kitana about the boring Arwen personality thing... so much for her other attributes... give me a girl with some brains and personality anyday.
> 
> As for the dominance thing... hhmmm.... we will have some problems Kitana until I show you your proper place... I am much more into females being dominated by me....   *




I'm siding with Kitana on both counts.


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## megamania (Jan 3, 2003)

51   Elves do it outside
52   Elves are perfectionists-   did over and over until done right
53   Magic....Blonde, Brunette or red head tonight?


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## megamania (Jan 3, 2003)

Whip me...Beat me....


say   anyone see "Payback"?  That was nuts!


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## mythago (Jan 3, 2003)

> since when did fat, lazy and scruffy looking become undesirable male traits?




Back when we came down from the trees and started walking upright...but you missed that part, eh?


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## Nifft (Jan 3, 2003)

KitanaVorr said:
			
		

> *You can have Arwen and her rather boring personality.  I prefer Legolas any day! *




Just because she was only in ONE battle scene, while he got to be in LOTS of them, you think she's borning. Did you think she was boring in the first movie, too?

Nonetheless, you're welcome to Legolas -- he's less of a threat to my male ego than Aragorn anyway. 

 -- Nifft


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## jdavis (Jan 3, 2003)

mythago said:
			
		

> *
> 
> Back when we came down from the trees and started walking upright...but you missed that part, eh?  *




Out of the Trees...................oh heck when did all this happen, it is getting hard to stay in a tree being fat and lazy and all.


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## BOZ (Jun 18, 2004)

heheh, found this thread while looking for some keepers...  

hmm, left off at #53 (although with some number repitition it's probably higher)


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## Sejs (Jun 18, 2004)

54:  You'll be long dead before she turns into her mother.


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## Rodrigo Istalindir (Jun 18, 2004)

55. Soft Elven rope doesn't leave marks when she ties you up.
56. All the money they've inherited from previous human husbands they've          outlived.
57. You don't have to take out the garbage; she'll just recycle it all
58. Since she doesn't sleep, she can clean the house while you rest


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## Angcuru (Jun 18, 2004)

C'mon, guys!  You aren't doing much to support us human men!  Sure them elven chicks are awesome, but why would they want one of us?

The only two non-elven guys who ever got with elven maidens were Beren and Aragorn, and they weren't even human!! (See Numenorian, some more than others) And heck!  Beren had to kill a dragon, get his hand bitten off, and steal a Rare-as-hell shiny gem from Sauron's Boss just so she'd even _look_ him!  

[utilitarian philosophy]
And what about Aragorn?  Are we sure that the whole 'set to inherit dominion over all of mankind' thing (more or less) didn't have anything to do with her attraction to him?  What were her options? Option A - Go overseas with the rest of people who you see EVERY DAMNED DAY who have developed incredibly boring personalities due to their living FOREVER, and as such she can only tolerate their presence, rather than liking anybody.  Why else do you think she's lived for thousands of years without getting hitched?  Option B - Hook up with a really rugged, tough yet sensitive, loving, gorgeous, and _set to rule the world once daddy leaves_ semi-mortal man who can take out practically anything, has connections with the Dwarves (can you say DIAMONDS?),  has connections with Hobbits (can you say pipeWEED?), and has more spunk than any skinny elf she'll ever meet back at the treehouse?  If she goes with him, she gets to be the Queen, have everything she'll ever need, and once her hubby kicks it, she can go turn off her immortality switch and be with her financial (& sexual?) powerhouse for ever and ever and ever....
[/utilitarian philosophy]


What can the average human give her?

Umm....body hair?...collecting his life insurance?...seeing what arthritis looks like?...thingies?


C'mon men!  We know _we_ want _them_!  Why would _they_ want _us_?


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## Robbert Raets (Jun 19, 2004)

Wolfspirit said:
			
		

> You know, this can have multiple meanings



 ...Especially if you subscribe to the 'David Eddings' view of 'pappa' Tolkien who doesn't seem to describe girls below the neckline


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## Robbert Raets (Jun 19, 2004)

KitanaVorr said:
			
		

> sure thing, let me get out my whip and teach you a few things about my favorite topic...female dominance and male submission...



 Woof! WOOF!!


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## LurkerFreak (Jun 19, 2004)

jdavis said:
			
		

> Out of the Trees...................oh heck when did all this happen, it is getting hard to stay in a tree being fat and lazy and all.



We didnt come out of the trees, we fell. Something about being too lazy to hold on. Of course, a few loonies went to the highest branch and dived head first.


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## Dark Jezter (Jun 19, 2004)

Angcuru said:
			
		

> What can the average human give her?
> 
> Umm....body hair?...collecting his life insurance?...seeing what arthritis looks like?...thingies?
> 
> ...




Because human men don't spend all day in the bathroom playing with their hair and admiring themselves in the mirror.  Well, most human men anyway. 

But for the record, I don't think elf women are all that attractive.  Mialee is downright freaky-looking (which is a good thing; I'd rather have alien-looking elves than elves who look like pointy-eared human supermodels).


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## Gez (Jun 19, 2004)

Honestly, Eowyn is much prettier and cutier than Arwen.

59. Elven wives cook delicious pastries.
60. Elven wives can fix your shoes.
61. You won't need to buy toys to your kids, just let your elven wife craft some.


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## Teflon Billy (Jun 19, 2004)

Wolfspirit said:
			
		

> You know, this can have multiple meanings




He knows


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## Mercule (Jun 19, 2004)

Rashak Mani said:
			
		

> Bingo ! That was a hard hit to the male cause ! You traitor !



<pedantry>
Despite stereotyping to the contrary, studies have shown women are more likely than men to "roll over and go to sleep".
</pedantry>

So, Score one for the male cause.


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## drothgery (Jun 19, 2004)

Gez said:
			
		

> Honestly, Eowyn is much prettier and cutier than Arwen.



I think you mean Miranda Otto is much better looking than Liv Tyler. Some men might disagree, though I'm not one of them. But JRRT fanboys would say that as per the books, we pretty much have to take it on faith that Arwen is better looking than Eowyn.


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## Gez (Jun 20, 2004)

drothgery said:
			
		

> I think you mean Miranda Otto is much better looking than Liv Tyler.




Oh yes she is. And despite me prefering brunettes (and redheads and chestnut-haireds) to blondes.



			
				drothgery said:
			
		

> But JRRT fanboys would say that as per the books, we pretty much have to take it on faith that Arwen is better looking than Eowyn.




Faramir would disagree, I think.


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## kirinke (Jun 21, 2004)

lol in the book, Eowyn got a case of the sour grapes after the wraith king broke her arm and decided that bein queen wasn't so great after all. Hmmm, being wife to a prince isn't a bad second choice.

(greatly paraphrasing)


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## Angcuru (Jun 21, 2004)

Hell yes, Miranda Otto is way better looking than Liv Tyler.  Pale as hell, but heck, no one's perfect.  And hey, she's probably a better rider than Arwen.    

Plus Eowyn wouldn't let her kids grow up to be panzies like Arwen would.


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## Ashwyn (Jun 21, 2004)

jdavis said:
			
		

> You people are going to give me a complex, since when did fat, lazy and scruffy looking become undesirable male traits? I'm going to have to reinvent myself, maybe after dinner and a nap.



NO FAT DUDES! Someone had to say it, for equality's sake.


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## John Q. Mayhem (Jun 21, 2004)

Angcuru said:
			
		

> Pale as hell, but heck, no one's perfect.




This is a positive thing.


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## Desdichado (Jun 21, 2004)

Mark said:
			
		

> 12. If they don't have big parts, they can be rewritten to appear larger...



Shouldn't that be the reason women prefer elven men?


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## Gez (Jun 21, 2004)

Nah, because there's one thing that elven men can't have big.

Too androgynous and neotenic to be as endowed as us rough, hairy guys.


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## Angcuru (Jun 21, 2004)

Well, they may not have the size advantage, but they _do_ have a long, _long_ time to practice.


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## Dark Jezter (Jun 21, 2004)

Forget "Why Dunedain prefer Elven Maidens", this thread should be titled "Why Angcuru prefers Elf Men."


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## Angcuru (Jun 22, 2004)

*looks up from lacing Dark Jezter's silverware with snake venom and super glue*

Or perhaps I just like to argue both sides of the issue.


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## kirinke (Jun 22, 2004)

whoot i say.
Elven females are far more understanding than women. They've lived longer and can put up with alot. ^)^ Can we say experience?

But then, if you irritate them, they are also a great deal more vindictive and imaginative in that vindictiveness. Plus, they have the spells to back up their irritation. Guys, mebbe you should rethink your position. That's allllll I'm saying. The spell 'Shrink item' or 'alter features' does come to mind.


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## Angcuru (Jun 22, 2004)

Never thought of it that way...but if we're nice, then they might employ the opposite.  *nudge nudge  *


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## kirinke (Jun 22, 2004)

*stands on head, grinning like a maniac

but then, you have to deal with those long, six month unfortunant times of the month with elf-girls. Anything said wrong and out comes the spell book and a very saaaddddd hubby or boyfriend results.


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## Angcuru (Jun 22, 2004)

Well, it's a give and a take.  You spend most of the time in a state of blissful, perfect tantric *ahem*hugging*ahem*, and every now and then you sleep on the couch, which isn't so bad, considering that elf couches are made of pipe dreams and confectioners sugar or something dandy like that.


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