# [Humor/Spoilers] Return of the King as a bad D&D game?



## Eridanis (Dec 17, 2003)

With a tip of the hat to Piratecat, who started this thread on Two Towers last year. It's too good an idea to let go by again, so: How would RotK have played out around some dinner tables around the world?

Player 1: OK. So I'm running around on the battlefield, avoiding the war elephants and trying to pick off as many people as I can with my bow.
DM: Those are some big critters, and you're a pretty visible target as an elf with demonstrated l33t archery skills. I'm gonna say that (pause) five archers get a shot off at you this round (Rolls 15 dice, sighs) they all miss.
P1: Whew, that was lucky. I need to change things a bit. What's the DC for climbing up the side of an elephant as it's going full speed, while it's carrying a dozen archers who are trying to kill me?
DM: Well.... that'd be, like, a DC... 100.
P1: OK. (rolls) Made it!
DM: (groans) Next thing you're going to tell me is that you're going to cut the platform off of the elephant, hang on to the rope as it falls off the side so that you can climb all the way to the top, use Manyshot to fire arrows into the elephant's brain, then surf down its trunk as it dies!
P1: Good idea. I'll make sure I land right in front of Player 2, jus' for style points.
DM: Sigh.

(Edit: Thanks, TracerBullet - I ran out of time to find the link!)


----------



## TracerBullet42 (Dec 17, 2003)

Eridanis said:
			
		

> With a tip of the hat to Piratecat, who started this thread on Two Towers last year. It's too good an idea to let go by again, so: How would RotK have played out around some dinner tables around the world?




Edited...found it myself.  And here it is for anyone else who's looking...

http://www.enworld.org/forums/showthread.php?t=34298


----------



## Hypersmurf (Dec 18, 2003)

Eridanis said:
			
		

> P1: Good idea. I'll make sure I land right in front of Player 2, jus' for style points.




_That still only counts as one!_

Line of the film.

-Hyp.


----------



## Victim (Dec 18, 2003)

DM: Okay, the orc army looks to be a couple miles away and is marching towards the city.  Now would be a good time to prepare some defenses and help rally the troops.

Wizard:  Nah, I loaded up on big spells.  In one minute, my first Reality Maelstorm prepped with War Spell goes off.  The planar rift is 2000 feet across, so anyone in the area needs to make DC 30 Will saves to avoid getting dumped to a random plane.  The rift creates a windstorm 4000 ft across that sucks anyone failing the DC 30 Ref save into the planar.  

DM:  So you kill just about everything over an area of almost a mile?  

Wizard: Yep.  And it lasts for 2 minutes, so it will also slow their advance.

DM:  Seems reasonable, since they have to go around, or wait for the Nazgul to dispel it.

Wizard:  That should give me enough time to fire off my other 2 War maelstorms.  If the wraiths start getting close, I'll use Great Rod of Quickening and a Meteor Swarm to hammer them.  They aren't interupting my spells.

DM:  Well, actually, some of the Nazgul failed their saves too.  And the winds are strong enough to ground the others.

Wizard: Okay, then I fire off my other maelstorms and also use War Mass Devastions.

DM:  Err, then you blow up the army in about 5 minutes.  You only get XP for the Nazgul though.  

Wizard: Rip off.

----------------------------------------------

The real reason Aragon turned down the One Ring:  He liked his ring of permanent Haste and his ring of spell turning better than a crappy ring of Invisibility.


----------



## demiurge1138 (Dec 18, 2003)

Player 1: OK, so I'm still alive, even though I lost my +2 orcbane short sword _and _ that stupid plot-item of yours. I'll look around to make sure that spider's still not after me.
DM: Make your Spot check.
Player 1: Let's see. 13, plus all of my bonuses... 21. Do I see anything?
DM: You see nothing, and then you feel a sharp jab of pain as you are hit by Shelob's stinger. Make a Fortitude save.
Player 1: What? Stinger? Do you even know what a spider looks like?!
DM: It's a special spider. Now roll the save.
Player 1: Damn it! A 2! 
DM: Your eyes roll up and you foam at the mouth. Take [roll, roll] 8 points of Strength damage. 
Player 1: Well, I'm gone. [sotto voce] Damn hobbits...
DM: Shelob grabs you and wraps you in her silk. she opens her mandibles to feed, and...
Player 2: I jump in, carrying Sting and the Light of Elendil, and shout "Get away from him, you filth!"
Player 1: But I left you behind at the Stairs!
Player 2: It's not in character for me to give up that easy. Besides, you know Gollum was tricking you now, don't you?
Player 1: Well, yeah...
DM: Shelob drops the catatonic Frodo and lunges for you, fangs snapping.
Player 2: I designate the spider for my Dodge bonus and wave the Light menacingly.
DM: Shelob cringes, but it's not good enough. She lunges [roll, roll] and misses you narrowly.
Player 2: OK, I climb up onto the rock wall, in order to get my higher ground bonus.
DM: Shelob follows you up.
Player 2: Fine. I attack [roll, roll]. A 25 total. Nice! Did I hit?
DM: You stab Shelob in the mouth, and she cringes and screeches. 
Player 2: Good! I dive underneath her, and stab upwards at her belly.
DM: Wha...
Player 2: She's Huge, right? That means I can move through her space, right? That way, I'm out of reach of her bite.
DM: Fine. She [roll, roll] fails her attack of oppurtunity, and you get to attack.
Player 2: Crap! A 1!
DM: Sting flies from your hand, and Shelob [roll, roll] grapples you, preventing you from grabbing it back.
Player 2: Fine. That's what Escape Artist is for. [Roll, roll]. 32. Do I get free?
DM: Yes. [sigh].
Player 2: I grab Sting and thrust it deeply into her belly.
Player 1: Do you _realize_ how Freudian that sounds?
Player 2: Shut up. [Roll, roll] A natural 20! Double damage! That's [roll, roll] 32 points right there.
DM: Shelob screeches in pain, and retreats. You are victorious. And the xp puts you up a level.
Player 2: Finally! Screw the gardener thing, this one's going into fighter.

Demiurge out.


----------



## MeepoTheMighty (Dec 18, 2003)

DM:   Okay, you managed to drive the vicious spider back into her cave.  You look over and you can see Frodo lying on the ground, covered in webs.
PC1:  Is he moving?
DM:  Nope, he looks dead to you
PC2:  I'm not dead!
PC1:  Okay, I'm gonna loot the body.  Does he have anything good?
PC2:  Hey! I'm not dead!
PC1:  Shut up, I want that ring.  Does he have anything else?  Any gp?
DM:   As you start rifling through your fallen companion's loot, you notice his sword start to glow.
PC1:  Sweet, a magic sword!  Wait a minute...where'd you get this?
PC2:  Oh..um..it was a..uh..gift...from a relative.  *nervously hides his character sheet*
PC1:  This sucks, you get all this phat loot from the NPCs and all I get is lembas bread.  I'm gonna go hide over here, maybe the orcs will take you away.  Thanks for the ring, sucka!


----------



## Dark Jezter (Dec 18, 2003)

DM: (rolls) The troll strikes you again, dealing 32 damage and knocking you to the ground.
Aragorn:  Okay, I won't stand up, since that would provoke an AoO.  Instead, I'll draw my dagger and stab the troll in the foot.  (rolls a few times)
DM:  You hit it for 5 damage.
Aragorn: Dammit.  I came this far, only to get waxed by a troll.
DM:  ...Um, suddenly, the troll runs away.  In fact, the Dark Lord's entire army suddenly breaks and retreats.  In the distance, you see the dark tower crumbling.  Congratulations, the dark lord has been destroyed and the quest is over!
Aragorn:  ...You're serious.
Legolas:  It's over just like that?
DM:  Just like that.
Gandalf:  And to think, I was saving up all the spell charges in my staff for the battle with the BBEG.

Merry:  Wait a minute, I just noticed that Eowyn and I are flanking the Witch-King.  Sneak-attack damage, here I come!  (rolls)  Ooh, good rolls.  I inflict 54 damage.
DM:  The witch-king pitches forward and screams as your sword strikes a painful blow.
Eowyn:  I attack with my longsword, sacrificing my full BAB to do a Power Attack and weilding it as a two-handed weapon since the bastard broke my shield.  (rolls twice)  Ooh, a critical hit!  I deal... (rolls) ... 47 damage!
DM:  Uh... you thrust your sword into his helmet and he dies.
Merry:  Really?  I thought the Witch-King was supposed to be a major badass.
Eowyn:  Yeah, that dire tiger we fought in our other campaign was a bigger challenge.


----------



## kengar (Dec 18, 2003)

One reason why this thread is funny is that D&D (any edition) is a terrible system to model combat with.


----------



## Ankh-Morpork Guard (Dec 18, 2003)

*Aragorn:* I try to command the Undead.
*Legolas and Gimli:* You WHAT?!??!


----------



## Dark Nemesis (Dec 18, 2003)

DM: Grief stricken and hopeless, Denethor orders the soldiers to abandon Minas Tirith.
Player 2:  Man, what a whiner.
Player 1:  I'll say.  What;'re the soldiers doing?
DM:  Staring at the regent in shock.  Some of them are starting to turn to leave.
Player 2: We can't take on 9 wraiths, 8 oliphants, an army or orcs and a fleet of mercenaries by ourselves!  Gandalf's the one with Diplomacy, stop him!
DM: Did you read the module!?
Player 1: Okay, I whack Denethor with my staff!
DM:  You what?
Player 2:  Cool! (hiding his copy of Return of the King under his Player's Handbook)
DM: Don't you have, like, 15 ranks in Diplomacy?
Player 1:  I also have this +4 quarterstaff.  So, I hit him!  (roll, roll) 22 and 24!  Hah!  For (roll roll) 16 points of damage!
DM:  (hastily looks up the stats for Denethor) (sigh)  His eyes roll back in his head and he falls over, unconscious.


----------



## Branduil (Dec 18, 2003)

DM: Okay, Mike, you've just returned from being routed at Osgiliath. Your father is waiting for you. Steve?

Mike: Whoa, wait a minute, Steve is playing my father? I thought he was going to be an NPC?

DM: He was, but then you killed Steve's Southron character.

Steve: Yeah! Why do you always have to shoot first! I was going to have this great, emotionally-conflicted Southron who would help you bring together both sides in the war.

Mike: Hey, I said I was sorry! I thought you were charging. Anyway, I did that monologue for you, remember? "I wonder if he really was evil, yadda yadda yadda..." what more do you want?

Steve: You'll see...

Mike: I don't like this, he's going to use his new character for revenge!

DM: No he won't, I already talked to him about it. Denethor is a noble character. Now, what do you say to Faramir, Steve.

Steve: I, Denethor, order him to retake Osgiliath.

Mike: What!

DM: Uh, Steve, there's about 10,000 Orcs in Osgiliath right now. Faramir doesn't stand a chance. Don't you think Denethor would want to keep his son alive?

Steve: Son smun! I order Faramir to retake Osgiliath, and I tell him I wish he would have died instead of Boromir. 

DM: _sigh_ Alright, what do you do, Mike?

Mike: Well, I'm kind of sick of this character anyway. I charge straight towards Osgiliath.

Steve: Die, sucka!

DM: Where's my tylenol...?

-----------------------------

Mike: I made my stabilizing roll!

Steve: What!!!

DM: Ok, your horse drags you back into Minas Tirith. Steve?

Steve: Stinkin' dice. My dice have deserted me. They've betrayed me. My characters always die. Why me? 

DM: Roll a spot check.

Steve: 15.

DM: You notice 20,000 Orcs on the plains below.

Steve: Man, I've had it. This Steward stuff seemed like it'd be cool, but I can't even kill my stinkin' son. I start raving and I tell all my soldiers to kill myself.

DM: Gandalf, are you just going to stand there and listen?

Gandalf: Huh? You want me to fight something? Cause my new +4 staff is leet. 

DM: No, I mean talk to Denethor! Your diplomacy score is through the roof, remember? I gave you that stat bonus for a reason, come on, roleplay this out you guys, please.

Steve: He doesn't even let me have any magic items... except that Palantir thingy... and all that does is show me my past character's deaths...

Gandalf: I wack him with my 'leet staff.

DM: By "whack him with your staff" you mean "talk him out of his madness" right?

Gandalf: No, I frelling whack him with my staff! _*rolls*_
29!

DM: _*sigh*_ I'm gonna need more Tylenol. That hits. Denthor lies unconscious on the ground.

Gandalf: I loot his body! Got any cool magic items? 

DM: He doesn't have any magic items! He's a ruler, not an adventurer for crying out loud! And the soldiers don't seem to be too happy about you beating their ruler.

Gandalf: Oh... well, I still have that diplomacy bonus, right? I tell them that, in Maia culture, knocking someone out is a sign of affection. Then I tell them to keep fightin' and stuff.

DM: Ok, but something so impossibly, incredibly stupid will give you a -20 penalty on your Diplomacy roll.

Gandalf: With negative... 18!

DM: They believe you.

---------

Steve: Man, I hate this. Are there any of my guards around?

DM: Er... yes.

Steve: Sweet. I tell them to take Mike's body and put it in a pile of wood. And then burn it. Until Mike is dead. 

DM: You know Faramir is still alive, right?

Steve: Yes, but not for long! I start cackling with maniacal glee!

Mike: I told you!

Steve: Shut up you're unconcious!

DM: Okay the guards obey. Pippin?

Pippin: I try to save Faramir.

Steve: Oh no you don't! I grapple Pippin and throw him out!

Pippin: Darn size penalty. I go tell Gandalf that Denthor is burning Faramir with his equipment.

Gandalf: Burning magic items! Not on my watch! Hi-ho Shadowfax!

DM: Okay, you find Denthor about to burn himself and his son!

Steve: Revenge is sweet.

Gandalf: Ha, I rolled 25 on my initiative. I grapple Denethor.

Steve: No!

Pippin: I grab Faramir and save him.

Steve: That's it. I try to free myself from Gandalf. _rolls_ 30?

DM: You're free.

Steve: I set myself on fire! I embrace sweet, sweet death.

DM: Uh, that's great. You take 1d6 fire damage.

Steve: Are you kidding me? I just fricking covered myself in oil and setm yself on fire? How can it take 10 rounds to kill me?

DM: Those are the rules.

Steve: I don't want to wait that long. I run out of the room and I jump off the courtyard, screaming "Adriaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnn!!!!"

Gandalf: Crap, now I can't loot his body.

DM: He never had any magic items!


----------



## KenM (Dec 19, 2003)

Player 1(Gandalf): Ok, now that we saved Helms Deep, we ride to Isenguard to take care of Sarumon. 

  DM(worried, knowing that he did not map out the insides of the tower): Um, ugh, you get to the tower, Treebeard and the Ents are there and have it well in hand. Treebeard says that the wizard is locked in the tower, and you don't feel anymore magic coming from it.

 Player 2: You just don't have the area ready, admit it. 

  DM: No, thats not it at all.


----------



## Stebie9173 (Dec 19, 2003)

Actual thoughts in the theatre:

DM : You, Frodo, wander towards the fortress along the causeway possessed by the Ring.
PC 1 : Aww! Don't I get a save?
DM : The gates open and a horde of orcs starts to march out.
PCs 2 & 3 : We grab Frodo and hide behind that big rock!
DM : You hide? OK. Make a skill roll each.
PCs : Yes! They'll never see us with these rolls.
DM : Except on a natural twenty... Let's see 20,000 d20 Spot checks. Can I borrow your dice?
PCs (together) : We hates you we does!


----------



## Dakkareth (Dec 19, 2003)

You know, some weeks ago I decided to dig out the old thread and translate it for my sister (who is a LotR fanatic) for Christmas. And now here comes even more stuff. Sounds like work for me


----------



## Larcen (Dec 21, 2003)

kengar said:
			
		

> One reason why this thread is funny is that D&D (any edition) is a terrible system to model combat with.




...and if we were talkng about real combat, and not a movie, that would mean something.     After reading all the posts, seems like we are using the right system for the job.


----------



## Dirigible (Dec 21, 2003)

*DM*: Okay... the soldiers of Minas Tirith are loading their trebuchets with chunks of masonry, and it looks like they're targeting you.
*Player1 * (Orc general): Bah! Puny humans, I shall wear their skulls as my codpiece!
*Player2*: Dude, stop saying that. It's getting creepy.
*DM*: They fire... one of the stones is heading straight for you! Make a Reflex save!
Player1: Nope.
*DM*? What?
*Player1*: I don't wanna make a Reflex save.
*DM*: Uhhhm... why not?
*Player1*: I just told my troops to hold fast... I can't be seen to wuss out in front of them!
*Player2*: (sotto voce) Drama queen.
*DM*: Just make a save, man.
*Player1*: Nuh uh.
*DM*: (rustling of pages) Here, under artillery... it says you make a save to avoid the attack. It doesn't say you _may_ make a save, if you like.
*Player1*: *sigh* Fine. *roll roll*. 21.
*DM*: You narrowly avoid the huge rock.
*Player1*: *hoik-ptooeh!* Freaking rules lawyer DM...


----------



## Dirigible (Dec 21, 2003)

*DM*: The Southron oliphaunt howdah plummets to the ground with an almighty thunder of shattering wood.
*Player1*: How many soldiers were there on board?
*DM*: Ohh... about eight.
*Player1*: (turns to Player2 and smiles smugly) Hear that? Eight to me.
*Player2*: (makes rude gesture) Bite it, elf boy. (adds eight ticks to the big scoreboard next to the gaming table)
*DM*: Meanwhile, the oliphaunt is goping on a rampage, and...
*Player1*: I run up it's neck and fire three arrows into it's skull! *roll roll* Three crits! That's... 294 damage!
*Player2*: (sotto voce) Munchkin.
*Player1*: What was that?
*Player2*: Frog in my throat.
*DM*: (gleefully) The oliphaunt starts to fall... you realise you're going to be crushed under its bulk!
*Player1*: Wait... I run up its head, then surf down its nose!
*DM*: ...
*Player2*: ...
*DM*: ...
*Player2*: You mean trunk, right?
*Player1*: OK, sure.
*DM*: No way! That's impossible!
*Player1*: (smugly) Ahh... but you let me do it last session. With the shield? On the stairs? At the dumb siege?
*DM*: (caught by his own precedent) Sh*t. Ok... Balance check... DC 80!
*Player1*: Luckily, my Elven Stunt Acrobatics feat grants me +20 to the roll. Man, I'm glad I bought that one. *roll roll* 92! I pass.
*DM*: I hate you so very much.
*Player2*: (sotto voce) Seconded.
*Player1*: What was that?
*Player2*: Just belittling you.
*DM*: Fine... you skate down the oliphaunts trunk and land on the ground with Elven grace.
*Player1*: (grinning) Now... we were counting mosnters as a number of kills based on hit dice, right?
*DM & Player2*: NO!


----------



## Dirigible (Dec 21, 2003)

_DM is reciting a long, poetic wrap up to the game, describing the celebrations of the men of Minas Tirith as they learn the Shadow is vanquished and Aragorn is crowned king of Gondor. A fall of petals descends, and Aragorn launches into a beautiful, baritone lament for the fallen and prayer for the future. Suddenly, a small voices interupts this intricatly prepared speech..._

Player1:...XP...?


----------



## Dark Jezter (Dec 21, 2003)

This is technically a Two Towers EE joke, but oh well...

*Player 1:*  My score is 42 kills.
*Player 2:*  Not bad for a pointy-eared elf princeling.  I, however, am sitting pretty at 43 kills.
*Player 1:*  Are there any wounded orcs still alive?
*DM:*  One near you is still twitching.
*Player 1:*  I coup-de-grace it.
*Player 2:* See why I hate playing with twink elf players?


----------



## Olgar Shiverstone (Dec 23, 2003)

Ankh-Morpork Guard said:
			
		

> *Aragorn:* I try to command the Undead.
> *Legolas and Gimli:* You WHAT?!??!




ROFLMAO.  Actual thoughts in the theater:

DM: Eerie green figures of warriors long dead rise from the floors and walls, surrounding you.
Player 1: I command them to serve me.
Player 2: I gulp in terror.
Player 3 (to Player 2): We're well and truly farked, man.  Explain to me again why we've been encouraging his delusions?
DM: The king of the dead approaches, failing to heed your commands.  He swings his sword ...
Player 1: I attempt to parry.
DM: Your blade halts his swing, the ringing impact echoing through the chamber.  There is a hush as the dead issue a collective gasp.
Player 1: COOL!  The macguffin the elf dude gave me is a _ghost touch_ bastard sword!
Player 2 (grumbles): DM's pet!


----------



## ControlFreak (Dec 23, 2003)

GM: Ok .. make a Reflex save, DC 23
Player2: (rolls an 18) sigh .. I would have made it if I didn't have to carry all this stuff! (glares at player1)
GM: The rock under you gives way and you slide down towards the Black Gate. (rolls behind screen) 2 Haradrim seem to notice and head your way
Player2: I try to hide behind something
GM: Sorry, you are half buried in gravel. You can't move anywhere to hide.
Player1: Can I get to him before the soldiers?
GM: You'll have to make a balance check, DC 35 to make it to him in time without falling
Player1: (rolls a 12) I make it easily
Player2: Let's see you make a balance check carrying all these Lembas rations!
Player1: Hey .. you're the one who insisted on bringing pots and pans!
GM: I'm not sure what you've gained .. now the soldiers will surely see you in about 2 seconds
Player1: I use the Cloak of Lothlorien to cover us both so the soldiers won't see us
GM: Hmm .. ok .. tell you what. You make a Hide roll DC 40 and Player2 needs the same roll, but he gets a bonus from your cloak.
Players roll .. both successes
GM: (rolls behind screen) The Haradrim walk about 6 inches from where you are hiding, but they seem oblivious to your presence. You guys luck out again! They shrug and head to the Black Gate.
Player2: That's it! You start carrying all this stuff. I'm not buying that "I have the heavy magic item" crap anymore!


----------



## WayneLigon (Dec 23, 2003)

GM: OK, you're in the White City and you see all these guys running like hell from Osgippht -- the city on the river, and they're being chased by the Black Rider guys.
Gandalf's Player: Holy Crap, umm ummm...
Pippin's Player: I shoot an arrow. 
DM: They're like a mile away, idiot. 
Pippin's Player: I still wanna shoot an arrow. I took a level in Fighter and I want to at least use it. 
Gandalf's Player: Um, we're screwed, I'm outta spells for the day.
DM: What?
Gandalf's Player: I'm outta spells. I didn't sleep last night and I rode all the way here and did that sneaking around...
Pippin's Player: Oh, great, Mister Wizard here has, what? Gimme that? Here, use that.
Galdalf's Player: *looks at sheet, looks at PP* You're crazy.
Pippin's Player: It'll work, trust me.
Gandalf's Player: I charge out of the city, right at the onrushing survivors and the Black Riders.
DM: OK, we're gonna go over this whole suicide complex you seem to h--
Gandalf's Player: It'll work! Really!
DM: Jeez, OK, what do you do? You're tough but you know that, dude, five Black Riders are gonna make mincemeat outta you?
Pippin's Player: Let him finish.
Gandalf's Player: OK, I got this concentration bonus, and I roll.. 20, so I can cast on horseback... I throw an Extended Enlarged Empowered Daylight spell on the specters, I mean Black Riders.
GM: SH**! They run.
Players: AWRIGHT!


----------



## WayneLigon (Dec 23, 2003)

DM: OK, Aragon, Gimli and Legolas go off into the mountains--
Eowyn's Player: Wait. Wait, no. I won't have a better time than this.
DM: What?
Aragorn's Player: Yeah, what?
Eowyn's Player: Eowyn goes up to Aragorn and tells him she loves him.
Aragorn's Player: Too bad.
Eowyn's Player: (Dangerously low) What?
Aragorn's Player: I said 'Too bad', I've got the hots for the elf; I told you this, like, back at the horse people place.
Eowyn's Player: You SOB! I knew it! I knew it when I saw him give you that necklace thing last week!
Legolas' Player: (spits Coke all over his character sheet)
Aragorn's Player: Whoa, Nelly! I did not say..
Eowyn's Player: Yes, you just did! You said you had the hots for the elf! He's an elf and he gave you the necklace thing. I heard him.
DM: Actually, he--
Eowyn's Player: (Rounding on DM) Oh, you shut up! You got me to play this thing because you said it was [sarcastic Cartman voice] all romantic and stuff /sarcastic Cartman voice]. I've been trying to get in Aragorn's shorts for five sessions now and now you tell me?! 
Aragorn's Player: You want my shorts?
Gimli's Player: *passes out from laughing.*
Aragorn's Player: I said Arwen. Not Eowyn, Arwen.
Eowyn's Player: 'wyn', 'wen' whatever, I'm going home.
DM: I have the car...
Eowyn's Player: Not after tonight you don't.
DM: Hon!
Eowyn's Player: Don't 'Hon' me! You said 'romance'.
DM: Yeah, but not for you.
Eowyn's Player: Those words will come back to haunt you...


----------



## Dark Jezter (Dec 24, 2003)

WayneLigon said:
			
		

> DM: OK, Aragon, Gimli and Legolas go off into the mountains--
> Eowyn's Player: Wait. Wait, no. I won't have a better time than this.
> DM: What?
> Aragorn's Player: Yeah, what?
> ...




ROTFLMAO!


----------



## Wolf72 (Dec 24, 2003)

DM: okay ... we'll be playing epic tonight ... lets review our characters ..

Player1: I'm Aragorn ... Xlevel Ranger, Xlevel, Paladin ...

Player2: I'm a half-celestial elven ranger with a 38 dexterity ... 

Player3: ...um I'm a dwarf ... um fighter, I kill things ... but with my 6 cha I don't say anything.


Player 4&5: um we can only play for a little while tonight ...

DM: fine, here you can play these hobbits ... I think they're about 7th lvl.


DM: poop! Frodo and Sam aren't going to be here ... well we'll just make up some melodramatic scenes for them while we take food breaks.


----------



## Seonaid (Dec 26, 2003)

Dirigible said:
			
		

> _DM is reciting a long, poetic wrap up to the game, describing the celebrations of the men of Minas Tirith as they learn the Shadow is vanquished and Aragorn is crowned king of Gondor. A fall of petals descends, and Aragorn launches into a beautiful, baritone lament for the fallen and prayer for the future. Suddenly, a small voices interupts this intricatly prepared speech..._
> 
> Player1:...XP...?



This is *quality*. There were some other funny posts to this thread, but this truly sums it all up. The game, the film, everything.


----------



## FireLance (Dec 27, 2003)

*DM:* You finally arrive at the destination of your quest: the Crack of Doom in the heart of Mount Doom, the one place where the Ring can be destroyed.  What do you do?

*Player1:* You know what, I'm sick of this.  I've been pushed around by men, bitten by spiders, tormented by orcs, and I haven't earned one single miserable XP on this stupid adventure.  I'm _not_ going to destroy the Ring.  I'm going to put it on and become the next Dark Lord.

*DM:* (thinking fast) Okay... you put on the ring... but, make a Spot check.

*Player1:* Huh? 19.

*DM:* You fail to see Gollum lurking in the shadows.  He rushes at you, (roll, roll) beats your miss chance for being invisible, (roll, roll) succeeds at a melee touch attack to grab you and attempts to start a grapple.  Make a grapple check.

*Player1:* Um... 12?

*DM:* (roll, roll) Sorry, he's now grappling you.  Make an initiative check.

*Player1:* 14.

*DM:* (roll, roll) He beats your initative and attempts to grab the Ring from your finger. (roll, roll) A critical hit! Gollum bites off your finger with the Ring, releases you from the grapple and dances in glee at the edge of the Crack of Doom, (roll, roll) but he makes a bad Balance check and falls into the lava with the Ring.  The Ring is destroyed!  Middle Earth is saved!

(long silence)

*Player1:* Do I at least get XP for Gollum?


----------



## KidCthulhu (Dec 28, 2003)

DM:  So Denethor's just sent his only living son off on a suicide mission.  An akward pause fills the throne room.  You look around, and all those other flunky dudes seem to have snuck off during the argument.  Denethor is munching down chicken and shows no signs of sharing.

Player 1: Dude, this sucks.  I'm a halfling.  If I don't eat every 2 hours, somebody's gonna get hurt.  

DM:  What are you going to do?

Player 1:  I sing.

DM: You what?

Player 1:  I put 5 points in Perform, and I'm damn well going to use them.  I'll make Denethor so sad about his son, that he leaves the table.  And then that chicken is mine.

DM:  Why did you put points in... oh, nevermind Make me a Perform check.

Player 1:  Natural 20.  Cry like a girly for me, Steward guy.

DM:  Your voice rings through the hall, a lament for the cruelty of fathers, and the bravery of sons.  Listeners weep, but Denethor keeps eating.

Player 1:  Weak.


----------



## blargney the second (Dec 28, 2003)

KidCthulhu said:
			
		

> DM:  Why did you put points in... oh, nevermind Make me a Perform check.




It's obligatory for every character in the Lord of the Rings to have ranks in Perform.  The movie got the shaft - it was supposed to be a musical!

Oh yes we both we both,
Reached for the ring the ring,
Oh yes we both reached for the ring!

-blarg


----------



## Dark Jezter (Dec 28, 2003)

*Player 1:*  I charge at the giant spider and attack.
*Player 2:*  Are you nuts?  You saw how easily that thing did in Frodo.
*DM:* _*shrugs*_ Roll init.
*Player 1:* 17
*DM:*  Shelob got 14.  Roll attack.
*Player 1:*  20... 18... critical hit!  I deal 14 damage.
*DM:*  Okay, Shelob tries to bite you and sting you... 2... 1... okay, she missed both times.

_*Five minutes later*_

*DM:*  You strike Shelob with yet another painful blow, and she retreats back into her cave.
*Player 1:* XP?
*Player 2:* How the _hell_ did a 1st-level commoner beat a dire monsterous spider?!
*Player 3:* I smell loaded dice.


----------



## qstor (Feb 4, 2004)

Thanks I love these!

Mike


----------



## Robbert Raets (Feb 5, 2004)

Back-up Hobbit Player: "I knew you'd find me!!"
 Dwarf Player: "Geesh, you guys wanna get a room or something?!"


----------



## Felix (Feb 5, 2004)

Ok, one of em is from Two Towers, but hey...

*Gandalf:* Pip, I need you to do me a favor. Go light that beacon.

*Pippin:* You want me to climb WHAT??? You do realize I have a -2 to strength, right?

...............

*Theoden:* Heh heh. I say, "Is that all you can conjure, Saruman?"

*DM:* Aragorn, you notice a crazed orc running towards the culvert with a torch in hand.

*Aragorn:* Dammit. I left my bow in the hornburg. Legolas, see if you can't bring that big guy down. He wouldn't be running straight towards the wall if he didn't know something we don't.

*Legolas:* Yeah, ok. I shoot the charging orc.

*DM:* Roll.

*Legolas:* *rolls* Cool. The first one hit, and the second is a threat!

*DM:* Roll to confirm.

*Legolas:* GOT 'EM! His AC is 23, right?

*DM:* Heh heh. He is running and has a +4 AC against ranged weapons. Your second hit isn't a critical. Roll damage.

*Legolas:* Aww shucks. 16 points.

*DM:* You see the crazed orc thrash in pain as two arrows stick in him, but fail to bring him down. He keeps running towards the culvert and jumps headlong when he's five feet from it. The deeping wall explodes in a shower of rock and mortar. *roll roll* You see elves go flying, and much of the rock lands on top of the attacking orc army. Everybody make DC 20 balance checks to keep your feet.

*Theoden:* I thought you said we wern't using the renesance gunpowder rules!


----------



## MarauderX (Feb 6, 2004)

guessing about the cut-scenes:

Gandalf Player: So... we win, is Saruman still in his tower?  
DM: Yes.
GP: Ok, let's get him outta there, but DON'T harm the tower, ok guys??
Others: Yeah, yeah, you get all the magic loot, we know, it could be dangerous like that orb Pippin found.  Can't we have something?
GP: I'll make you a sword or sumptin later, once we get XP, ok?  
Others: Are you sure Saruman is out of spells?  He has been up there just resting this entire time, he has got to be recharged with some nasty tricks by now.
GP: Nah, he's spent.  We toss him out of the tower.
DM: Saruman flops out of the tower, disgraced.  His once pure white robes are now muddied and soiled gray.  Wormtongue follows him, wimpering.
Others: That's it?!? No traps to disarm?  No magic-fight?  Nothing??
GP: Yeah, now where is Saruman's spell book, I want that spell where he controls the weather and stuff.  Gimme gimme gimme.
DM: His spellbook is strangely missing, and he doesn't seem to have it with him either.  As a matter of fact, the whole tower is empty of any items of significance.
All: What?? Nothing??  What a rip off!  It's not like Sauron was carrying any treasure on his eye-body for us to take!  And the evil super knight just crumpled up into nothingness when he was slain!  What's the deal?!?
DM: I told you it's a low-magic setting, didn't I?
Aragorn Player: Well, I got a magic sword, and have a kingdom to run now...
Others: That's because you are married to the DM!  And you only got to marry Eowyn because she is an NPC!
Aragorn Player: I thought it was fair...
Sam Player: That's it, I'm outta here.  Sam gets married, settles down, produces some kids and farms.  I'm outta this group.  
Pippin & Merry Players: Don't even bother, I'm just leaving.
GP: I agree, what a rip-off, but I like my character a lot.  Can we just play in a different setting?  
Frodo Player: Hey, wait for me, I wanna come!
DM: Fine, you take a big ship with a bunch of elves to some other land... let's call it... Forgotten Realms, and your characters will have to change their names just like the witness protection program... Gandalf, you will now be known as... Elmin-
GP: No.  Not FR.  Anything but FR.  And put him in charge of something, like Aragorn.
DM: Ok, Gandalf is now head of the school of magic... 
GP: ...cool...
DM: ...and is known as Prof. Dumbledore, where he- 
GP: No.  I want to be at least quasi-evil so I can take people's stuff.
DM: Ok, his new name is Raistlin, and he once fought for control of the whole of Kryn-
GP: On second thought, I think I might DM for a while...
Frodo Player: Thank you.  Wasn't looking forward to Frodo's "translations"...


----------

