# I need Elf jokes!



## Apok

In a new campaign that I'm playing in on Sunday's, my dwarf character is travelling w/ an uptight, elitist, pansy spellcasting elf.  Because of this, I am taking it upon myself to make his life miserable.  Just in case you are wondering, the player of the elf in question is also prepping his own insults, so I need some good ammo here.  

Post all of your really good (or really bad) elf-depreciating jokes, puns, anecdotes, snappy comebacks, insults, etc.


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## MythandLore

"Why did the Elf Queen see the doctor?
Because HE had low "elf" esteem!"

"Where do you find elves?
Depends where you left them!"

"If you owned 11 elves, and another one came along, what would he be?
A twelf."

"What is big, green and packs a trunk?
An Elfephant."

"What is a female elf called?
A shelf."

"What do you call an Elf walking backwards?
A Fle."

"Wasn't Alf a half-elf too?"

"What's the diffrence bettween a elf and a lamb?
Elfs give me indigestion"

"What's the diffrence between an elf and a fairy?
Telling a fairy he's an elf is and insult."

"Whats the diffrence between a elf and a chicken?
Feathers"

"What do you all a rich elf?
A Welfy"


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## Moe Ronalds

"What do you call an elven fighter?"
A joke.

What do you call an elf with a beard?
A freak.

What do you call a dead elf?
Good riddance.

What do you call a good elf?
Dead.

What do you call an elf that isn't a pansy?
Fictitious.

What do you call elven wine?
Swill.

What do you call elven homes?
Lumber.

What do you call an elf?
See previous answer.

What's the difference between an elf and a flower?
Not all flowers are pansies.


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## Remathilis

How many elves does it take to light a torch?
one, but it takes him 3 years to decide to do it.

What do you call an elf with a sense of time?
A half-elf.

What is the difference between an elf, and a malard with a cold?
One's a sick duck... I can't remember the rest, but your momma's a...


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## MarauderX

Favorite elf nicknames:

Skippy
Toonces (like the cat that can drive)
Princess
Queenie
Buttercup
Peter Pan
Mr. Brittlebones

Are you eatin' too many tulips again?  Or is that little birdie voice in yer head gettin' louder?

Are you still complaining?  You want some cheese to go with your wine (whine)?  Write a poem about it instead, Lilith.

Hey would you rather sing the troll to sleep with a lullaby or go hit it with your purse?

Are those hollow bones flammable?  Cause I could make a good pipe outta yer shins if they weren't, y'know.  And hey, is that skull hollow too?


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## Maerdwyn

As my grandad used to say,
"'Tis true: an elf's years are as long as his ears
But his heart is as small as his nose.
For a dwarf with a flagon, when confronting a dragon
Is worth more than an elf with his bow."


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## DM with a vengence

"People look funny with their shins hacked off."

"For sale, 1000 elven magic swords, only been dropped once."

"What's the difference between a running dwarf and a running elf?  Elf's in front."

"You live in trees.  I'm holding an axe.  I might come to a unilateral agreement."

"If you tried that fancy crap in a real fight, you'd be dead."

"Dragons didn't consider you important enough to bother with."

"I've read that an elf will exchange a nugget of gold for a song, do I figure I can get a treasury by doing this."  (pick a long epic of choice and begin to sing it.)


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## Moulin Rogue

What did the skeleton say to the elf?
Would it kill you to put on some weight.

Why are elves so good at hiding in the forest?
When they turn sideways you can't see them.

Why can't elves grow beards?
The extra weight would make them unable to walk.

Why were elves given the gift of magic?
Because that's easier than just making dwarves tie a hand behind their back.

What do you call an elf taking the time to learn about the outside world?
Lost.

How have elves convinced themselves that they're the greatest race on the planet?
Trees don't argue.

Why don't elves sleep?
Because it would cause a trans-dimensional space-time rift if elves could possibly get any _more_ lazy.

Why do elves keep writing nature poetry?
Trees can't tell them it's stupid.

If elves can do anything, why don't they rule the world?
They're too arrogant to notice that they no longer do.

Why did elves master archery?
They didn't want to risk their own pretty faces getting close to their enemies, so they got some _other_ skinny pr**ks to do it for them.

What do you call an elf with well-worn, dented battle armour?
A looter.

How can you tell you've gotten close to a mighty elven empire?
When you're in the section of the library that says "Ancient History".


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## I'm A Banana

"Ye canna swing a good blade with yer wee limp wrists!"

"I'd give ye some o' this ale, my pointy-eared friend, but I'm affraid anythin' more potent than daffodils'd have ye onna floor"

"Yeah, they'll be real scared o' you, Nancy. What're ya gonna do, frolick at 'em 'till they surrender?"

"The only reason yer a good archer is because ya ain't got the bravery to look yer kill in 'is face."

"I've seen wee babes cry less often than you."

"Aye, it's pretty an' all, but what's it *do*? Actually, same question to you, Nancy."

"Right. I'll kill this one, Regdar, you kill that one, Krusk'll kill the other one and Nancy? Uh...why don't you stay back here so ya don't get hurt."

"Aye, Nancy, I'd introduce ye to my drinkin' mates, but I'm affraid ye'd just hit on 'em."

"The only reason dwarven women have beards is because they beat up the elf men and took it from the wee lil' crybabies."

"Hear the story about the elf maiden? Aye, she was lookin' fer a real man, and ended up marryin' a tree, fer it's the only straight thing in an elven wood."

"Wussamatter, Nancy, scared o' a little blood?"

"Jus' like an elf. All prancin', no use."

"Ah, I see, so you use magic because yer arms are too weak to hit 'em with a blade?"

I'm a fan of the flower one up above, too. Heh.


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## Moulin Rogue

Why don't elves wear helmets?
Because their noses are so high in the air, they'd keep falling off.


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## GMVictory

What?  No name calling?

Treehugger

Weedeater

Keeb

Termite

Stick

Twig

Orcbait

Kindling

Dutch Elm

Black Thumb


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## Gez

Not a joke per se, but still an argument that may be appropriate for one of these "I'm a superior race" elves:



> _From boards.wizards.com:_
> 
> Elves, all things considered, reactionnary. They reject change, innovation, and novelty, which are seen as threats and agressions. This reject is not a carefully, all-things-put-in-the-balance, rejection -- it's irrational, gut-instinct reaction, new=bad, period.
> 
> Their reactionnary mindset shows in:
> 
> *Nostalgia.* It was better before. Convinced that the world goes to hell, that the old ways (who were, by definition, superior) are forgotten or perverted, and that everything now is but a shallow reflect of the glorious, obviously glorious old times; they live in the past. An idealized past. _Back in the days, wondrous, awe-inspiring mythals were everywhere. The folks lived in peace and harmony, magic and culture blossomed, the world was healthier and the grass greener._
> 
> *Resentment.* Things now are awful, but that's the fault of these foreign devils. _The races of elf, human, dwarf, gnome and hin lived in peace and were happy under the just, enlightened, benevolent and wise rulership of our admirable Coronals, until, sadly, we trusted them too much and allowed them in our country (rather than friendily shooting all tresspassers on sight). Oh, blessed Seldarine, what folly have we made ? All Hells break loose, and the traitors we called our friend destroyed everything we have achieved; jalous of our grandeur, and unable to rivalize, they preferred to undermine the wonders of elfcraft, by their mere presence. We tried to avoid the worse by massacring them all without mercy, but it was too late. May these demons be cursed !_
> 
> *Isolationnism.* When you don't want to acknowledge the changes, and you don't think you can fight it, the only option is to flee. Flee to another, pure, world, uncontaminated by the insidious presence of those that don't think like you. The elves had Evermeet for that, and the other folk should be thankful for the existance of that island, because otherwise, the will to start anew is synonym to genocide (like Chinese _Great Jump Forward_ or the red khmer's mass murder of 1/3 their country's population). _As the old world was profaned by the foul presence of these damn subelven hords, breeding like rodents and even more destructive, we had no choice but flee to the safety of Evermeet, the promised land, the Torilian Paradise. There, in our exile, we would wait until the parasitic infestation, deprived of the Light coming from our Grandeur, kill themselves and die all to the last. Then, only then, we could go back to Faerûn and heal the poor land. Meanwhile, we would revel in our beauty and safekeep our magnificent sacred traditions, without any corrupting outsider influence._
> 
> *Scapegoatism.* We pose the postulate that the world is going on its doom. Why ? because it was better before, and things continue to go worse because they can't go better, since change can't be to the better, only blind and total obedience to the ancestral tradition is good, remember. We also pose the postulate that it's the bloody stranger's fault, that's obvious, they're not like us, so they're responsible for everything that goes bad (and everything goes bad because _it was better before_). Naturally, if the perturbative elements (non-elves) are removed, things will stop to get worse. So, killing non-elves will save the world. _Eldeth Veluuthra ! Victorious blade of the People, lead us to the destruction of the Not-People devils ! From their shed foul blood, green forests will grow high and strong ! May the Seldarine bless us in this most holy quest against Evil aliens !_
> 
> The elves never miss the opportunity of claiming their suporiority above everyone. They are especially contemptuous of humans, and always reminds them of things like "We were already building flying crystal castle when you were wearing crude bear skin and hid in caves, hurling feces at each others". That's because their alignment is not chaotic good, but lawful loser.
> 
> Were they not so snuck-up in their idea everything was better before, fate is unfair toward their absolute perfection, and that's all the fault of human, they would recognize the fact.
> 
> And the fact is, they're a senile race. Great irony, isn't it ? While the individual elves are ageless, their collective unconscious is senile. Their neurons have hardened and can't bend now, only shatter. Their mind is old, rusted, crippled. They claim they could build flying crystal castle before ? Well, why can't they now ? They forgot all their wonders, because they're old, aged, and dying. They have all but themselves to blame for that, their stubborn grumpiness is what accelerate their decline.
> 
> But it's so easier, when you're old, at death's door, suffering from Alzheimer memory troubles, and Parkinson muscular control troubles, to remind the young healthy adults you have seen them in diapers and wetting their bed. It's so easier to close your mind and refuse to see the real decadence than to accept to see the fact and change your ways...
> 
> Now, it's the elves who are in diapers, as their sphincter control is dead, they move in wheelchair, and spend their days in bed, watching soap-operas and insulting the nurse who comes to empty the pot.
> 
> And everyone find they are cool. They aren't. They would be if they were chaotic good as they are supposed to.


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## Gez

Why don't elves sleep and dream ? 

Because they dream when they are awake, thinking they are great and mighty heroes. (By the way, _rêverie_ is really only a word for daydream).


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## Thresher

What do you call a party of elves entombed in the Temple of elemental evil?

A good start

Whats the difference between a cart full of rocks and a cart full of elves?

You cant unload a cart full of rocks with a pitchfork


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## Apok

Great stuff so far, guys.  Keep it comin'!  

Oh, and *Bump*


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## Gunslinger

Not a joke, but a damn funny quote from 8-Bit Theater:

"Yeah, we're real scared of elves!  I hope they don't prance around with honey dew and frolick amonsgt the gumdrop trees." 

-Black Mage


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## thalmin

What do you call an elf that marries an orc?  A social climber.


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## Mathew_Freeman

How many elves does it take to light a torch?

Two, one to light a torch, the other to compose an epic ballad about why the torch had to be lit, so that future generations can remember this proud day in the history of elven kind.


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## Sixchan

Gez said:
			
		

> *Not a joke per se, but still an argument that may be appropriate for one of these "I'm a superior race" elves:
> 
> *




You know, I've never thought of having Nazi elves in a campaign.  If I ever do a modern version of a fantasy setting, this could offset all the tree-huggin' hippie elves!  Ooo...


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## Angcuru

Even though I'm Pro-Elf...I'll help ya out..............by not insulting dwarves.


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## Andion Isurand

I'm not an uptight, elitist, pansy spellcasting elf.

I'm actually a bit of an outsider in my relationship with many elven arcane acedemic communities, mainly because I find many of their members to be rather borish.


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