# Tips for an Expectant Father



## Olaf the Stout (Aug 6, 2007)

If everything goes as expected (which it won't   ), my wife and I are about 5 weeks away from welcoming an Olaf or Olafette Junior into our house.

As this is our first child, I'm (understandably) a little bit nervous.  I was wondering if anyone here had some hints, tips or pieces of wisdom to pass along.  At the moment I'm more interested in things dealing with the birth and the first few months of the baby's life but all advice is welcome.

Thanks in advance,

Olaf the Stout


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## Gulla (Aug 6, 2007)

Let me start with this disclaimer: "I don't know how things are done in Australia"...

The best advice I ever got concerning the processes around birth was this:
"When your wife goes into labour it will probably be 12-16 hours before the child is born. If labour starts in the evening, go to bed immediately. She will need you more at the end, and you should be awake and rested then." 

When I did this with our first son, my wife was furious, but later accepted that it was for the best. Not much happened through the night, and when things picked up in the morning, I was rested and capable of helping and supporting. My two other sons were considerate enough to start things (early) in the morning.

In Norway we are entiteled to two weeks at home to help the mother and kid directly after birth. Normally without pay (but many employers give you full pay for these two weeks). If you have the oportunity to take a week or two off when the mother and child comes home, do so. It is very nice being with your kid (changing diapers, cleaning clothes, doing chores) and being two persons gives both a chance to get some rest.

Being a new mom is tiring. Having a lot of gusets around is nice, but also tiring. Make sure that any guest does something useful: Washing the living room, making dinner etc. Since the two of you have more than enough to take care of the kid, some return for the priviledge of seeing the 8. wonder of the world (your kid  ) is in place. (More seriously: if you have many relatives and friends they will probably visit, and this *is* both nice and tiring, so asking them nicely to help a litle with the small everyday chores makes life a lot easier, and most of them will not mind feeling usefull)

My final advice I think is to remember your wife, not only the kid. It might sound obvious, but really isn't.  If you have some relatives or friends that can take care of the baby for an evening or something, exploit it to get some time together alone. All kids are different, but some really keep the household awake all night, so "some time together" might simply be having someone to watch the kid for 8 hours so you both can get some undisturbed sleep.

Håkon


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## Mycanid (Aug 6, 2007)

Olaf the Stout said:
			
		

> If everything goes as expected (which it won't   ), my wife and I are about 5 weeks away from welcoming *an Olaf or Olafette* Junior into our house.
> 
> Olaf the Stout




Wow! Congrats!


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## Harmon (Aug 6, 2007)

Congrates first and for most!

My wife had an emergency C Section so birthing is nothing I have a clue about.  With a ten day stay in the hospital I learned that you need to get all your stuff- snacks, toothbrush, extra clothes, and cell phone into a bag and leave it in the car.

Get plenty of sleep when every you can.

At night when the little one wakes- turn on as few and as dim of lights as you can, do not make a lot of noise at night, try to keep the little one asleep or near as you can when they wake at night.  

When someone offers to come over and help, say- "heck ya, get over here."  Have them do everything from dishes to laundry, to diaper changing, to bottle washing, etc.  And take a nap when they get there.

Sleep in shifts- wife is down, you are up, tending to what ever needs doing, get use to naps, and living in one pair of clothes for a while.

Vomit when wiped off your clothes still makes a stain, so put all your nice clothes away for a while (somewhere around a year).

Child proof from the floor up, and don't be afraid to get down on your hands and knees and crawl about looking for anything and everything to get into.

We got a Play Yard, eight sectional, put a king size flat sheet under it and tied it up on the outside so the little one can not get under it, then placed that in the center of our living room.  I some times catch naps in there while the daughter plays.  Use thick blankets underneath for padding.

Diapers come in large boxes, go ahead you are gonna need about 6 a day (average).  We started in Preme, and used about two hundred, then went to size 1, another hundred or so.  You get the idea.  

Get a comfortable changing table.  Never ever take your hand off the little one while s/he is on it, cause they can move.  

Speaking of the changing table, I lay a wash clothes under her behind prior to changing then should anything get on the table I don't have to change all the linens, just toss the cloth.

Hope that helps.  Congrates again.

Oh, I guess this is a PS- do not argue or fight with your wife, stop when you or she starts and tell her or yourself that its just stress, its okay.  Relax, and let all the little things go, there is no need for getting upset.


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## Lockridge (Aug 6, 2007)

It was all a blur.

Keep encouraging her and telling her she's doing well.

Encourage her to do the prenatal exercizes.  Kedgells(?) are very important if she is going to go through a day without peeing everytime she laughs.

As already stated, get rest and eat.  You will need it.  The doctors and nurses will take care of your wife so you need to take care of yourself.

One thing we did was to buy a freezer.  We then made several casseroles and other frozen dishes as well as stocked up on dry goods for the pantry before the baby was born.  This meant that we didn't have to worry about cooking for a while.

Accept help.

Learn to tell the relatives and freinds to leave.  Too many people in the house in the first few days is too stressful for you and your wife.  Also, turn off any phones near the baby's room.  Given your sleep times, you may wish to turn down all the ringers.

Hire a maid to clean the house for a couple of weeks (or have a relative do some work).

You may want to think about using a midwife although you sound too far along at this point.  A doolah (spelt wrong) may also help coach your wife during labour.

Buy and read a book.  I recommend "The Birth Partner, Second Edition" by Penny Simkin.  Best $20 you'll spend.

As for the first few months of the baby's life:  Nothing follows the textbook.  Do not look to books or other's advice as anything more than a very rough guideline.  Your baby will vary on everything including teething, eating, when they will start to crawl, when they will smile - everything varies.

Babies cry.  Thats it.  Your baby will cry.  There will be times that you will get frustrated - deal with it and remember that this is normal but don't lash out (not that you would, but just saying)

This next part is my very strong opinion:
Babies this young do not understand discipline or yelling.  Also, they have no motor control.  Sometimes things that they do which you may interpret as misbehaving is simply very bad motor control.  Take a deep breath and realize that.
I want to emphasize the fact that babies this young (up to about a year - you'll know) cannot be disciplined.  There is no right or wrong to them.  Many people cannot fathom the blank slate that babies are.  They won't make the connection between daddy hitting them and them trying to put their fingers in the sockets.  If they do something wrong, tell them, shake your head and remove them from the object of wrongness.  Do not administer punishment - they won't get it.

Breastfeeding:
It is different for every woman.  Around here, women are strongly encouraged to breastfeed.  Some are successful and some are not through no fault of their own.
Breastfeeding is a LEARNED process for both mother and child.  A mother should try it but not to the point of starving her child or ruining her emotional health.  Many mothers who fail to breastfeed feel a great deal of guilt and fall into tears over it.
Our midwife encouraged my wife to breastfeed.  She tried very hard but just didn't produce very much so our child was always hungry.  Looking back on it we should have just went with the bottle.  When I think of my crying little girl looking up at me...Now I know she was hungry.  We spent money on a breastfeeding therapist and pumps and it was all wasted.
I am in favour of breastfeeding but don't let anyone tell you what you should do if you think it is not working.

Both of you should get used to crying.  Tears will be of both frustration and elation.

Baby proof your house.  Babies will try to go down stairs.

Money:
Simplest is best.  We wasted a lot of money on the best "this and that".  Very often the simplest things are best.  Forget baby electronics as well.  It just costs more and babies don't notice it.  Look at the recent toy recall - all fancy plastic toys.  Our girl's favourite toy are wooden blocks - WOODEN BLOCKS!  They cost a few dollars.
Same with strollers and car seats.
If you're like me though you'll likely ignore this advice and spend money on the best only to realize later that most expensive is not the best.

HAVE A DATE NIGHT.  Get a friend, or relative to babysit once in a while.  VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU TWO GET A BREAK.

Ok, thats all I can think of for now.


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## Lockridge (Aug 6, 2007)

To add:
For god's sake relax.  That goes for both you and your wife.  I see so many young couples yell at each other because they are too stressed and tired.
Guess what the baby learns?
If you two are both relaxed and easy-going:  Guess what the baby learns?
You have to persevere though.  The baby will start off chaotic - anything else she/he will learn from you.

Choose your battles carefully - you will win very very few.  A while ago, I almost stopped our 1 year old from digging through the tupperware cupboard.  Until I realized that it was keeping her busy, teaching her spacial relationships and eye-hand coordination, and would only take me a minute to clean up.

To add to an earlier point - All babies are different.  Don't gauge your baby's progress by another baby the same age.  Don't be discouraged or for that matter over-encouraged.

Read to your baby.  Even if they don't understand the words or pictures they are learning.  Other than wooden blocks, our baby's second favourite toy are books.
Get the ones with thick cardstock pages.

When your baby is in more of a routine, the reasons that they don't sleep or may cry are that they have done a "number 2" in their pants or that they are teething.  There are a few times that I've let the baby sit, waiting for her to stop crying and all the while the problem was full diapers.  Baby Anbesol is good for teething and so are those soft teethers to chew on.

Do not put complete trust in doctors.  Having said that, doctors do try to help but they see dozens of babies a day.  I find that many doctors also (rightly or wrongly) tend to ignore the parents.  Doctors do make mistakes.  You are the one spending all day with your child so don't be afraid to ask questions or seek a second opinion.
Having said that, most of the time, whatever is bothering your baby will pass.

Sleep in crib or sleep with parents:
Some books state that babies should sleep in the parent's room.  Our friends who have done this now cannot make their child sleep in her own room.  We had our little one in our room in a cradle for a few weeks and then moved her into her room in a crib.  Don't leave anything in the crib she/he can smother on by the way.  So no pillows.

This is just my personal advice based on my baby and experience by the way.  Results may vary.  Expect the unexpected.


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## Thornir Alekeg (Aug 6, 2007)

Be ready to go.  If you are five weeks from the due date, get things ready really soon.  Despite common wisdom that first children tend to come late, you cannot count on it.  My wife went into labor three weeks before the due date, and things moved very quickly.  The evening she went into labor we were supposed to get things packed.  I spent a lot of time between contractions running about the house grabbing things and throwing them into the car.  

During labor, if your wife needs to hold your hand, don't give her your whole hand.  If you do she'll squeeze and grind the fingers against each other.  Unless you want to some pain to "share the experience," give her two fingers to hold.  It is enough to offer some comfort, but not disable you.

After the delivery, remember that your wife just went through a very difficult thing.  One of the best things you can do is to take care of her for the next couple of weeks.  Don't think time home with her and the baby is a great opportunity to work on some projects, or get your next game session prepped.  Focus on your wife's needs, whether that means taking care of the baby, or letting her do it whlile you clean the house, cook meals, etc.  Trust me when I say the long-term gains of doing this is worth every bit of effort.

Rather than trying to get things done around the house when the baby falls asleep, sleep when the baby sleeps.  Encourage your wife to do the same.  

Don't be afraid to go against what other people say.  This is your child, not theirs.  If you and youe wife think something less "conventional" is a better way of raising your child, go for it.  Here in the U.S. having the baby in your bed or even your room is generally seen as odd.  We tried the nursery and crib thing with our first child.  It just wasn't worth the trouble.  We all slept better when she was in bed with us.  We never even bothered with a crib for our second.  We took precautions to make sure we wouldn't roll over on the baby or smother him with the covers (bought a thing called a Snuggle Nest with low, hard sides to but the baby in between us).  We got grief from friends and family, but it worked great for us.

Everything changes when your baby is born.  Not everything is for the better, but it is all worth it.  Congratulations.  Enjoy it.


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## crazy_monkey1956 (Aug 6, 2007)

From a father of four...

You will get a lot of opinions about what is "right" and "wrong" but Thornir and others are right.  Every baby is different so do what works best for you.

That being said, I second the baby not sleeping in bed with you.  We kept each of our four in a basinet in our room for the first two months or so, then moved them to cribs in their rooms or a shared room with an older sibling after that.

I also second the hand-holding part.  During labor, your wife will be experiencing a type of pain that us guys will never, ever understand.  Don't give her your whole hand or she will try, unintentionally, to share that pain with you.

Breastfeeding is a hit or miss thing.  As someone said above, not every woman can do it and there's no shame in that.  My wife hasn't been able to with any of ours and she tried with all four.

As someone else said, be ready to go...now.  My first two were both born a month early.  

You are going to get dirty.  The baby will burp-up on you, on itself, on the floor.  It will have a bowel movement while you are changing its diaper.  When you start introducing baby food or real food or what-have-you, 99% of it will end up everywhere but the baby's mouth.  If you are a clean or neat freak you'll have to let that go for a while...trust me, you'll be happier.

Speaking of dirty, natural birth is messy.  Don't get me wrong, it is a beautiful experience and I've been there holding my wife's hand and encouraging her for all four...but it is more gory than any horror movie you've ever seen.  If you have a weak stomach, strongly consider not actually watching the baby come out.  

That's all I can think of at the moment.  Well, one more thing...when you're ready, do it again.  Speaking as a) an only child myself and b) as a father of four...siblings are a good thing.

And of course, your experience will be exceptionally different from anyone else's.  Congratulations.  Good luck with the future gamer.


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## Kahuna Burger (Aug 6, 2007)

To expand on what lockridge said about breastfeeding - it is a hard, learned behavior. It is, imo totally worth it, but the first couple of weeks were very very difficult and intermittently painful. If your wife wants to breastfeed, do not let her become discouraged or convinced that she "can't breastfeed" until she has been coached in proper latch on (lower lip must be out!). Some women experience cramping when they nurse a newborn - while painful it's actually serving a purpose of contracting the uterus to it's normal size, and isn't a sign something is wrong. 

My sister coslept with all her kids and the older two have transitioned to their own rooms, largely as something they chose. Another couple I know tried a bedside cosleeper, but the mom was such a light sleeper she would fully wake up every time the baby made any sort of noise and was completely sleep deprived until they moved the baby to her own room. Every parent and every baby is different, so listen to other people's stories without assuming they will hold true for you.

Finally, when comparing notes with other parents, remember that parents lie.   When they say that their child was potty trained at 12 months, or slept through the night at 2 weeks, or said "I love Daddy" in utero, hey, maybe they did or maybe they didn't, but just smile and nod and *do not internalize it* as an expectation or competition. 

Alekeg beat me to the "never give your whole hand to a woman in labor" advice, I'd add try not to hold hands that both have rings.  :\ 

Spend some quality time lying down on the same surface as your new baby gazing with wonder and adoration.


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## Aurora (Aug 6, 2007)

I can give some tips to you for helping and encouraging mom, but 2 questions first. Are you having the baby at home, at a hospital, or at a natural birthing center? Does she plan on nursing the baby? 

Those questions aside, I agree with pp's that you are going to need rest. She is gonna need you strong and awake for the end. Make sure you have your bags packed. Have a note on top of the things that you can't pack yet, but need to bring. Things like cell phone chargers, camera, etc. I hope you have a good camera. I regret waiting till my daughter was 3 mos old to buy a good camera. You need a camera with no lag after you press the button before it takes a pic. Babies and small children don't pose! 
Some good pics to take:
When wife goes into labor take the last "belly shot". 
Take pic of wife in front of hospital/ birthing center sign going in (if applicable). 
Ask permission to take pics of baby with the nurse, doctor, midwife, etc, (Be sure to write down their names). 
Get a pic of baby with everyone that comes to visit. 
Pic of baby ready to go home. 
With my daughter, we picked a med sized stuffed animal and took a pic of her with it next to her when we first got home, at 2 weeks old, 1 month, 2 months, etc all the way up to 1 yr old to show how she had grown. These are some of my favorite pics of her  

I also agree with pp's about putting guests to work. You are going to be exhausted. You are not there to entertain them. Don't feel you need to. If they can't understand that, they can leave. You have other things to worry about. When they call and say "can we come over?" Say, "great what are you bringing us for lunch/dinner?" While they are there don't be afraid to say "before you leave, would you mind washing a few dishes/ starting a load of laundry/ whatever you need done, before you leave?" 

If you are home with mom and baby for awhile, sleep in shifts. When baby sleeps, you sleep. Make sure all your laundry is caught up before baby gets here. Do a load everyday if need be to make sure you don't get behind. 

Lastly, you HAVE to stay encouraging. Be sure to remind your wife daily how beautiful she is and how much you love her. I hope she doesn't end up with PPD, but there is going to be some hormonal let down and it will probably mean some tears over things that you just don't get. Just be encouraging if this happens. (Poor dshai got a lot of this after we had our daughter.)


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## takyris (Aug 6, 2007)

Not much to add to other people's awesome advice.

Get as much face time with the baby as you can. Sure, a lot of the time. Olaf(ette) will be asleep, but in those rare times when the baby is awake, be there, talking and making eye contact. And since babies have limited vision at first, you need to be close to the baby's face -- and talking in a gentle but clear voice. Seeing the baby look up into you with these awesome wide eyes is extremely humbling.

Change diapers. It's not pleasant. Get over it. (Maybe this doesn't need to be said, but some dads still subscribe to the "The wife changes diapers" thing, and really? No.)

If your wife is breastfeeding, you'll be sleeping more than she is. Be available to be woken up if the baby needs to be cuddled or diaper-changed. Don't stay up all night to be supportive -- she's going to need somebody awake and alert to hunt and gather through the day -- but be available when it's 4 in the morning and she's weeping from fatigue and frustration.

I've been taking care of my wife since the new baby arrived. In the morning, I get up with our older son, and I let my wife sleep. Later in the morning, I bring up some breakfast for her. It helps make up for the sleep she's missing during the night.

I remember that you read my blog post about the birth, so you know that I have no real advice there beyond "Listen to your wife, and advocate for her to doctors and nurses, and be positive and reassuring at all times." A lot of times, that means a Bluff check. Roll well. 

Oh, and when a baby cries, it's pretty much for one of six reasons:

1) I want food
2) I need a diaper change
3) I need to be burped (or tummy-rubbed to get me to the diaper-change part)
4) I need to have my environment checked for uncomfortable things (an edge of the diaper pinching or cutting, for example, or it being too hot or too cold for the baby)
5) I need to be cuddled
6) I am sick, teething, or have colic -- sucks to be you!

When the baby cries at 5 in the morning, it's tough to remember all of those, and it's easy to get frustrated or fixated on one of the 6 -- "Why won't he just eat?" When things start to get frustrating, work through the list. There's no real cure for colic, so if the first five don't work, take the temperature and, unless the baby is running a fever, try a washcloth frozen in the freezer as a chew toy (for teething) or just keep cuddling (for colic).

Good luck!


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## Lockridge (Aug 6, 2007)

takyris said:
			
		

> 4) I need to have my environment checked for uncomfortable things (an edge of the diaper pinching or cutting, for example, or it being too hot or too cold for the baby)
> Good luck!




Good advice there.  I remember trying to figure out why my little one was crying for several minutes before realizing that in putting on her shoe, her little toe was caught on an elastic on the inside of her shoe.


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## DaveMage (Aug 6, 2007)

Since others have covered most of it, I'll be brief, but I'll hit on three of the most important points, some of which were already covered:

#1: You will know your baby better than anyone (including other family members who don't live with you).  Things that worked for others might not work for you at all.   Don't let anyone tell you they know what's best for you and your child - you do (and the mom, of course     ).

#2: Routine is very important.  Establishing a routine creates expectations.  Routine is especially important for naps and bedtime, so that your child will come to expect these at a certain time each day.  (This should be established after the first four weeks or so since during that time, you're probably still figuring out what routine works best for you.)  I recommend an early bed time (8:00 - 8:30 p.m.) so that you have some time to unwind in the evening before you have to sleep.

$3: Read to your child!  They pick up more than you think - even though they can't comminicate it to you at early ages.

Congratulations!


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## Lockridge (Aug 6, 2007)

Are you planning on attending a pre-natal course?  You should.  It will give you a lot of tips on what to do and how you can coach your wife during labour.  Your role is important - that encouragement, love and support is absolutely needed.

Have you discussed painkillers?  This is very personal and you and your wife should not only be on the same page before you get to the hospital but you need to ensure that the hospital staff is as well.
Not for everyone advice:  My wife chose not to use painkillers at all after seeing a video in a prenatal class that compared babies whose mothers used painkillers and babies whose mothers had not.  The babies whose mothers used painkillers were not alert or aware because the painkillers seep into their system as well as the mother's.  Did you know that a baby laid on its mother's chest will often find its way to the nipple on its own and start sucking?  Babies whose mothers used painkillers just laid there.  Our experience was similar.  Our baby was born alert and lively.
Once again, this is our experience and results will vary for everyone.

Get ready to lose touch with some freinds.  Not that they are bad friends or anything but I've found that some folks just don't understand why calling or dropping in like they used to isn't acceptable anymore.  Even friends with children of their own may forget what its like.  Also, you will find that depending on the stage of your baby, you can't plan anything for more than two hours at a time before another feeding or nap is needed.  When very young your baby can sleep anywhere with anything going on but a little later you will find that this isn't the case.
In our case, our in-laws (who have three kids of their own) have now invited us over twice and served supper after 7PM.  By this time the baby is tired and cranky and its time for us to go home.  She won't nap at their place because there are too many other kids around.  They sometimes act like we should stay late even though the baby's miserable.  Then they get that "we've been through it and you are worrying too much air about them".  Even though I remember them leaving our place early when their children were 12 months old.

Enjoy the early stage when they will eat and sleep anywhere.  You may even be able to continue gaming.  That will typically end a few months later when they are more aware.  This is when you may find that you need to invite people over to your house rather than go to theirs.

For down the road:
Get ready to change your eating habits.  If you are a snacker like I am, your child will try to follow in your footsteps.  I'm now trying to live in a world without chips and M&Ms every night.

Also for down the road:
After your baby hits about six months old (or before) you will notice relatives and friends giving him/her chocolate, cake, ice cream and so on.  Babies do not need this nor will they miss it.  A baby's stomach is only as big as their fist.  Now imagine what a plate full of cake will do.
I've found that relatives like to give children sweets more for their own sakes rather than the baby's.  The relative likes the smile they get from the baby and the way the baby will eat it all up.  Of course they forget that this will cause the baby to get a sugar high, stomach ache and will vomit.
Learn some diplomacy to deal with this.

Ok, I've contributed way more than you asked but this topic just opened up a valve of experiences for me.  I do wish I had this list 16 months ago.


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## niolo (Aug 6, 2007)

I concur with crying as communication. It is easy to become frustrated (lack of sleep, new challenge of a child in the home, etc). Look to that list of 6 things, ours had a long hair wrapped around his finger that bothered him. It was impossible to see without poring over his person.

Colic could be gas. Gas can be relieved by laying the baby on his back and drawing his knees up to his chest. This will look like the fetal position and really helped our 1st and 3rd son. Simethicone http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simethicone worked well too when we couldn't help it the other way. Our 2nd son had severe allergies so his crying was related to his diet (what he was getting from mom's diet) that we weren't able to discern save from seeing specialists.

We also relied upon "What to Expect in the First Year" as others have noted all babies are different use the book as a guideline, it is helpful.

Congrats and good luck.


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## Kahuna Burger (Aug 6, 2007)

Lockridge said:
			
		

> Have you discussed painkillers?  This is very personal and you and your wife should not only be on the same page before you get to the hospital but you need to ensure that the hospital staff is as well.



*nods* it is very important to be ready and willing to advocate for your wife, which obviously includes knowing what her preferences are. In addition to painkillers, some things to consider in advance - routine episiotomy (not as common these days, but some drs still practice it), whether and when to give drugs to speed and strengthen contractions*, IVs, external vs internal fetal monitoring, enemas, shaving, freedom of movement, etc etc. While you can't predict or control a birth, some things are options that a particular birth attendant can give you the impression you either don't have available or on the other end don't have a choice in. Ask questions early, and be your wife's advocate without apology.

* There is a fine line that you have to feel along in some childbirth situations between aknowledging that you aren't the one with the degree and the experience here and the sad fact that *some* OBs will try to fit your wife's labor into their schedule and try to make things happen the way that's easiest for them rather than the way that's best for the woman or child.

edit : oh yeah, you implied you didn't know if you were having a boy or girl yet, so, without giving any advice or opinions either way (as that way lies messageboard madness) you should make sure that your wife and you are on the same page on circumcision and that those caring for your child directly after birth know your decisions.


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## Harmon (Aug 6, 2007)

Something I thought of this morning-

*Camera*- I think Aurora touched on this, but a camera, is a must while in the hospital.  I went through two disposables during our ten days, only about twenty shots came out, but they are prized.

Get your car seat now.  Our daughter (Bug for purposes of EN) was five weeks preme, and we had to call the In Laws to pick it up then pay them a transportation fee to get it for us (course you more then likely will have better relatives then we have).  Go to your local police and ask them for help installing it (so it's legal).  I was pulled over a while back, because the officer wanted to check the car see (three "Baby On Board" signs on the car, I wonder how he knew  :\ ).  It just so happened that that officer was the one that had helped my wife put it in, best experience I have had with a cop in a long time.

Should your wife have the issues that my wife had with *milk* production, give her support, she will take it personally, and she will be rough on herself.

Do not have anyone live with you in the first few months, no matter how great your relationship.

Get *Infant 411*, and the *First Year Book*, both are invaluable resources to us, its just a good piece of mind to know that we can look things up that we aren't sure about (first and only child, after ten years of trying).

Get a good Baby Monitor (I like our Evenflo).

Do not fuss over every noise, and do not get the little one up with every whimper.

Good luck, hope all goes well and you get a perfect angel.     


<Hijack>
My wife works and only has about two hours a day with Bug due to her schedule.  When the wife (Le for purposes of EN) comes home she wants play, feed, change, and do all the things she can, she never pushes, she just steps in and does them, trying to get that connection going.  She likes to give Bug a bottle and sit with her before bed time, but Bug usually ends up hitting her mom, slaps in a downward, that don't hurt, just aren't kind.  This has been going on for a long time (she's 19 months).  Le puts her to bed, some times in tears, sometimes angry ("I just want to sit with her like you do.").  Ya, Bug will sit with me, and sleep on my chest but not Le's.  

There is no violence in our house, and we try to avoid it on the TV while Bug is in the room.  The doctors seem to think its just Bug's own frustration and love at her mom, and the books are no help on the subject.

Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?
<end hijack>


Peace to all, and all a good day


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## Thunderfoot (Aug 6, 2007)

Congrats

Now to the advice, all very good so far - but also remember - BABIES BOUNCE!  In other words, at some point your child will fall down and hurt itself, they may bleed, they will cry, they will get over it and they will heal and usually they will learn from it.  The hardest thing a new parent has to learn is that overprotection is almost as bad as abuse.  If the child is overprotected, they will not learn valuable life lessons (like the stove is hot) or if you decide to climb a tree, you may fall down (of course this takes into account a few years worth of lessons, but I think you get the picture.)

The first time the child is old enough to understand that fall down and cry means parents run up and give me a cookie (metaphorically speaking), they will milk it for all its worth.  Children are inherently perspective and even if they can't tell right from wrong, they will figure out very quickly how to control you better than a mind flayer. 

Its worth the sleepless nights, the bumps and bruises, etc though.  My oldest just graduated High School and started college, my youngest just started High School...and every moment may not be a bed of roses, but it is awesome.


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## Aurora (Aug 6, 2007)

Thunderfoot said:
			
		

> Children are inherently perspective and even if they can't tell right from wrong, they will figure out very quickly how to control you better than a mind flayer.



Oh my goodness! Isn't that the truth! My (2 yr old!!!!) daughter knows just how to push my buttons, and then knows what to do and say to get mommy to cool down. Lil' stinker.


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## Bad Paper (Aug 6, 2007)

good heavens, how could you possibly read all this advice?

Handling a newborn is like being a DM:
1) Are the players having fun?
2) Am I having fun?
3) When was the last diaper changed?

That's pretty much all you need.  have fun!

PS: regular d20s are chokables, but the big 2" diameter ones aren't, and they're great toys for ~nine month olds.


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## bytor4232 (Aug 6, 2007)

As a successful father of two happy little girls, all I can say is to be there for them.  You can't spoil a baby who is less than 6 months old.  If they cry, pick them up, figure out why they are crying.  This will inspire confidence and courage on their part, which is what they will need in the toddler years leading up to preschool.  Sometime around six months old they WILL figure out that they can cry for attention, you need to learn to recognize that and let them cry THAT out.  But you got half a year to work on that one, spoil the baby rotten for now.

Spend as much time as you can spare with your baby.  Your hobbies are important, yes, but try to tackle them while the baby is sleeping.  When she/he is awake, do your best to be there for them.  Play with them, they are a ton of fun.

Also, don't forget about the wife.  Happiness between mommy and daddy spill over into the babies attitude.  They know when you aren't pleased with each other.  Do some dishes, vaccum the floor (esp after the baby starts crawling it will need to be done every day), cook a meal, get intimate.  The little things add up.


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## Kahuna Burger (Aug 6, 2007)

Thunderfoot said:
			
		

> The first time the child is old enough to understand that fall down and cry means parents run up and give me a cookie (metaphorically speaking), they will milk it for all its worth.  Children are inherently perspective and even if they can't tell right from wrong, they will figure out very quickly how to control you better than a mind flayer.



you know, people have been telling me this sort of thing since the Kahuna Meatball started crawling and at almost 3 he has still never lived up to it. If he falls and I gasp and say "are you OK?" but he's not hurt, he'll say "yes I'm fine". If he falls and I'm not as startled and say "oops" in a cheery voice, but he's hurt, he will cry. He has recently started using a pouty face at me in other circumstances, but I have yet to see evidence of him milking the sympathy, or responding differently to tumbles depending on who's looking and such. 

As for the general theme of "overprotectiveness".... I'm of very mixed minds. On one hand, I'm sure there is some level of protectiveness I would consider too much. On the other hand, folks who say "oh let them do [dangerous thing X] they won't do it again" remind me that my mom grew up sans one aunt who as a toddler pulled a pan of boiling water down on herself and indeed didn't do it, or anything else, ever again.  :\  Some level of rough and tumble is fine based on age level, but I'm not willing to risk my kid being the one who dies on behalf of a rose colored pining for the fire hardened generations past.... Having seen "overprotective" used to mean a dozen different levels of parenting, it's hard to agree that it bears any even passing relationship to abuse.


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## bytor4232 (Aug 6, 2007)

Harmon said:
			
		

> <Hijack>
> My wife works and only has about two hours a day with Bug due to her schedule.  When the wife (Le for purposes of EN) comes home she wants play, feed, change, and do all the things she can, she never pushes, she just steps in and does them, trying to get that connection going.  She likes to give Bug a bottle and sit with her before bed time, but Bug usually ends up hitting her mom, slaps in a downward, that don't hurt, just aren't kind.  This has been going on for a long time (she's 19 months).  Le puts her to bed, some times in tears, sometimes angry ("I just want to sit with her like you do.").  Ya, Bug will sit with me, and sleep on my chest but not Le's.
> 
> There is no violence in our house, and we try to avoid it on the TV while Bug is in the room.  The doctors seem to think its just Bug's own frustration and love at her mom, and the books are no help on the subject.
> ...




None of my children ever lashed out like this, but my parenting instincts tell me that 19 months is old enough for a child to learn the word "no".  I think you need to attempt to reason with the child and tell them that hitting is not allowed.  I know, easier said that done, but if you stay consistent I think you can pull it off.

Of course, I could be completely off.  I've never had to deal with this type of behaviour before.


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## Einan (Aug 6, 2007)

Learn how to swaddle the baby well.  It calms them down quickly and that calms you down.  Nothing is worse than a baby crying and you having no idea how to sooth it.  There's a DVD by this slightly odd doctor called "The Happiest Baby on the Block."  Get it now, watch it now and practice the techniques before the baby's here.  It will save your sanity.  Oh, a tip from my wife: for the first few months, tell your wife to sleep whenever the baby does.  It will really play havoc on your sleep cycles, but it does get her some rest.

Good luck and remember: people have been having babies for millenia.  Everything will be just fine.

Einan


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## Chaldfont (Aug 6, 2007)

Here's some stuff we did:

Get as much sleep as possible before the baby comes. Its the last sleep you are going to get for WEEKS!

If mom is breastfeeding, give her tons of support. Its probably better outside the US, but here there is almost zero support for breastfeeding mothers--especially ones that work. She's gonna need a lot of support to keep doing it when things get tough.

Cook up a bunch of comfort food meals and stuff as many as you can in the freezer. Its really nice to be able to pull a casserole or lasagna out and nuke it up in the microwave when you are half awake and don't want to cook.

Despite being worn out from lack of sleep, really try to enjoy it. It won't seem like it at first, but it goes REALLY fast. It won't be long until you are looking at pictures and saying, "I can't believe the kid was that small!"

Read Weissbluth's book on sleep .


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## Thunderfoot (Aug 7, 2007)

Kahuna Burger said:
			
		

> you know, people have been telling me this sort of thing since the Kahuna Meatball started crawling and at almost 3 he has still never lived up to it. If he falls and I gasp and say "are you OK?" but he's not hurt, he'll say "yes I'm fine". If he falls and I'm not as startled and say "oops" in a cheery voice, but he's hurt, he will cry. He has recently started using a pouty face at me in other circumstances, but I have yet to see evidence of him milking the sympathy, or responding differently to tumbles depending on who's looking and such.
> 
> As for the general theme of "overprotectiveness".... I'm of very mixed minds. On one hand, I'm sure there is some level of protectiveness I would consider too much. On the other hand, folks who say "oh let them do [dangerous thing X] they won't do it again" remind me that my mom grew up sans one aunt who as a toddler pulled a pan of boiling water down on herself and indeed didn't do it, or anything else, ever again.  :\  Some level of rough and tumble is fine based on age level, but I'm not willing to risk my kid being the one who dies on behalf of a rose colored pining for the fire hardened generations past.... Having seen "overprotective" used to mean a dozen different levels of parenting, it's hard to agree that it bears any even passing relationship to abuse.



1st off let me say - you are one lucky parent.  Very rarely do you get that kind of reaction - kudos for good fortune.   (I believe someone said every kid is different and boy were they right.)

As for the over protectiveness, obviously you don't put your child in a basket of adders to tech them not to play with snakes, but as they get older, if you tell a child "no", "don't", "are you nuts?" enough times, eventually, you have to let them feel the pain to learn the lesson.  Some kids are really good about listening to advice (my son for instance) others are not (my daughter).  Boy learned "when mom & dad said no, it was because, for some reason, they knew better than I do"; girl on the other hand decided, "I don't care, this is more fun..owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie...."  So, as all advice on this page, YMMV.   Good luck with your angel mannered meatball.


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## Thunderfoot (Aug 7, 2007)

Chaldfont said:
			
		

> Here's some stuff we did:
> 
> Get as much sleep as possible before the baby comes. Its the last sleep you are going to get for WEEKS!
> 
> ...




Great advice! We had folks come over and help us out with the 'small stuff' like eating and cleaning the house for a couple of weeks.  (I worked rotating shifts at the time so I was never home the same time twice.)  

I remember for boy that he slept through the night when we brought him home (my wife kept waking me up to see if he was alright.  )  Girl, however, took weeks to get on a regular schedule, and even that was tenuous for a while.  BTW, don't blink, they'll be leaving for college faster than you realize.


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## Olaf the Stout (Aug 7, 2007)

Thanks for the advice so far everyone!  It is all useful, even if I may not agree with all of it (although I do agree with almost all of what I have read).

Just to fill in a few more details for people.  We are having the baby in a hospital.  At the moment we are expecting that it will be a natural birth (the baby isn’t currently in the breach position).

I plan to take about 3 weeks off work after the baby is due.  I will have about 5 weeks annual leave accrued by the time the baby is born, plus I get 3 days paid paternity leave.  I may take those 3 days as extra leave on top of the 3 weeks, or I may make it 3 weeks all together and save 3 days of annual leave for when the baby is a couple of months older.  We’ll just have to see how things go.

My wife does intend to breastfeed (I assume that it’s sometimes called nursing in the US).  Our hospital, like most in Australia, is particularly supportive of breastfeeding.

As for where the baby sleeps to begin with, we plan initially to have it in a cradle/bassinette in our room.  After a couple of months, when it is too big for the bassinette, we’ll move it into the cot in the nursery, which is the room next to our bedroom.  I think that if we didn’t have the baby in our room to begin with my wife wouldn’t get any sleep as she’d be getting up to check that the baby was ok every 5 minutes.  At least this way she has a little more piece of mind.

I am a bit of a night owl, while my wife is a morning person (although I imagine we’ll both become “sleep whenever you can” people in the first year!).  That means that I can generally deal with the baby when it cries at night and she can look after it in the early mornings.  Obviously, if we are breastfeeding I don’t have all the right equipment so I won’t be able to do everything but you get the idea.

I have done a bit of reading.  My wife bought me a book about 6 months ago, So You’re Going To Be A Dad.  It’s a pregnancy book, written by an Australian male for expectant Dads.  It was light-hearted but informative at the same time.  It filled in a lot of the blanks for me, as I knew very little about pregnancy and babies at that point.

My wife did a degree in Early Childhood Education at university and she’s a Kindergarten Teacher so we have a bit of an advantage over many new parents in the childhood development area.  We’ll both be reading to the baby from the day that it’s born (babies like being read the Monster Manual right?   ).  Being a Kindergarten Teacher, my wife actually already has more children’s books than many children will ever have in their childhood!

We also had birthing classes at the hospital where they talked to us about the birthing process, the sorts of complications that can arise, and about dealing with the first few days after you take the baby home.  They were also pretty useful, although they were very much unlike the classes you see on television where the women are laying down on beanbags, practicing their breathing with their husbands at their side.  Are birthing classes actually like what you see on TV in the US, or elsewhere in the world for that matter?

We’re lucky in that both sets of parents live close to us (within a 25 minute drive) and have offered to give us whatever help we need.  Even if we don’t use their help (which I’m certain we will!), it’s reassuring to know that they are there.

Overall, I feel that I’m reasonably well informed on the major issues but I am far from an expert.  For example, I know not to have anything else in the crib with them when they sleep (including pillows).  I also know to place them on their backs when you put them to sleep so as to reduce the chance of SIDS.

At the same time, I imagine that it all goes out the window once you actually have the baby at home with you.  All the reading in the world still can’t prepare you for the real thing!

Olaf the Stout


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## Olaf the Stout (Aug 7, 2007)

Oh, and as for gaming, we're taking a wait and see approach.  My wife isn't a gamer but she understands that it's something that I like to do.  Currently I run a fortnightly campaign at our house on a Wednesday night.

I'll be taking a few months off from gaming to see how we cope with the new baby.  It may be a great baby that sleep through the night and has no major health or other problems.  On the other hand, the baby may be a terrible sleeper that is unlucky enough to have every known health problem known to mankind.  We'll just take it as it comes.

Provided we aren't totally overwhelmed with the baby, I might be able to start gaming again a couple of months after the birth.  That may sound a bit selfish to some people but I think it will do me a lot of good to have a couple of hours break a fortnight.  I think that my wife should do something similar to give herself a bit of a break but I can't see this happening (she normally feel lazy if she's relaxing   ).

At the moment we play at our house but I don't know what we'll do after the baby is born.  My gaming group doesn't know if we should still game at my house as they think we might get too noisy and wake the baby up.  On the other hand, my wife has said that she would be more comfortable if I still gamed at home since I would be there if she needed me for anything.  It'd be one less thing for her to worry about.

I'm undecided at this point.  I have heard people say that babies need to get used to sleeping with background noise, and there will be two closed doors between where we game, and where the baby will be sleeping.  At the same time, I don't think my wife will be too impressed if she finally gets the baby to sleep and it wakes up because we were too loud.

What have other people's experiences been in this situation?  My gaming group is generally very considerate, however one of them can get a little loud at times (and he is aware of this), hence some apprehension on my group's part at still playing at our house after the baby is born.

Olaf the Stout


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## Olaf the Stout (Aug 7, 2007)

Lockridge said:
			
		

> This next part is my very strong opinion:
> Babies this young do not understand discipline or yelling.  Also, they have no motor control.  Sometimes things that they do which you may interpret as misbehaving is simply very bad motor control.  Take a deep breath and realize that.
> I want to emphasize the fact that babies this young (up to about a year - you'll know) cannot be disciplined.  There is no right or wrong to them.  Many people cannot fathom the blank slate that babies are.  They won't make the connection between daddy hitting them and them trying to put their fingers in the sockets.  If they do something wrong, tell them, shake your head and remove them from the object of wrongness.  Do not administer punishment - they won't get it.




You have nothing to worry about here.  I won't be yelling at my newborn baby to try and discipline it.  I really doubt how anyone could think that yelling at a newborn baby actually do anything but upset the baby.  I just don't think it has the capacity to understand that it has done something wrong at that age.  (This is of course the international internet signal call for someone to post that I am totally wrong and give me 15 reasons why I am wrong!    )



> Money:
> Simplest is best.  We wasted a lot of money on the best "this and that".  Very often the simplest things are best.  Forget baby electronics as well.  It just costs more and babies don't notice it.  Look at the recent toy recall - all fancy plastic toys.  Our girl's favourite toy are wooden blocks - WOODEN BLOCKS!  They cost a few dollars.
> 
> Same with strollers and car seats.
> If you're like me though you'll likely ignore this advice and spend money on the best only to realize later that most expensive is not the best.




We're not getting things just because they are the most expensive.  We chose one of the most expensive car seats on the market, but that was simply because it had the best safety features.  If it costs more but will protect the baby a little more in a car accident then I'm happy to spend the extra dollars.

At the same time we are hiring a car capsule (they offer more protection to newborn babies than car seats).  I have chose the cheaper one to hire as, while it doesn't look as nice or as fancy, it give the baby better protection.  Safety first for me.

Olaf the Stout


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## Olaf the Stout (Aug 7, 2007)

Aurora said:
			
		

> I can give some tips to you for helping and encouraging mom, but 2 questions first. Are you having the baby at home, at a hospital, or at a natural birthing center? Does she plan on nursing the baby?




We're having the baby in a hospital.  The hospital is one of the smaller ones in Adelaide though so they're not as automated, "mother-in, mother-out" as some of the larger ones can sometimes be.

If by nursing, you mean breastfeeding, then yes, she does plan on nursing the baby.



> Those questions aside, I agree with pp's that you are going to need rest. She is gonna need you strong and awake for the end. Make sure you have your bags packed. Have a note on top of the things that you can't pack yet, but need to bring. Things like cell phone chargers, camera, etc. I hope you have a good camera. I regret waiting till my daughter was 3 mos old to buy a good camera. You need a camera with no lag after you press the button before it takes a pic. Babies and small children don't pose!
> Some good pics to take:
> When wife goes into labor take the last "belly shot".
> Take pic of wife in front of hospital/ birthing center sign going in (if applicable).
> ...




Thanks for the camera tips.  We have a digital camera that I will be taking with us (the video camera will be staying home though!).  The digital camera is about 5 years old now and can take a while to ready itself for the next shot though so we are thinking about buying a new one.

Olaf the Stout


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## Olaf the Stout (Aug 7, 2007)

takyris said:
			
		

> Not much to add to other people's awesome advice.
> 
> Get as much face time with the baby as you can. Sure, a lot of the time. Olaf(ette) will be asleep, but in those rare times when the baby is awake, be there, talking and making eye contact. And since babies have limited vision at first, you need to be close to the baby's face -- and talking in a gentle but clear voice. Seeing the baby look up into you with these awesome wide eyes is extremely humbling.




I plan on spending as much time as I can with the baby.  It should be a great experience.



> Change diapers. It's not pleasant. Get over it. (Maybe this doesn't need to be said, but some dads still subscribe to the "The wife changes diapers" thing, and really? No.)




This is one thing that I'm not particularly looking forward too (then again, I don't know how many people actually do!    ).  However, I'm sure I'll learn to deal with it pretty quickly.  I'm certainly not going to be one of the non-nappy changing Dads.  Even if I wanted to, I think my wife would get me to "change" my mind soon enough!    



> I remember that you read my blog post about the birth, so you know that I have no real advice there beyond "Listen to your wife, and advocate for her to doctors and nurses, and be positive and reassuring at all times." A lot of times, that means a Bluff check. Roll well.




Yes, your blog was both entertaining and scary at the same time!    



> Oh, and when a baby cries, it's pretty much for one of six reasons:
> 
> 1) I want food
> 2) I need a diaper change
> ...




Thanks for that.  I'll try to keep those reasons in mind.

Olaf the Stout


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## Olaf the Stout (Aug 7, 2007)

Lockridge said:
			
		

> Are you planning on attending a pre-natal course?  You should.  It will give you a lot of tips on what to do and how you can coach your wife during labour.  Your role is important - that encouragement, love and support is absolutely needed.
> 
> Have you discussed painkillers?  This is very personal and you and your wife should not only be on the same page before you get to the hospital but you need to ensure that the hospital staff is as well.
> Not for everyone advice:  My wife chose not to use painkillers at all after seeing a video in a prenatal class that compared babies whose mothers used painkillers and babies whose mothers had not.  The babies whose mothers used painkillers were not alert or aware because the painkillers seep into their system as well as the mother's.  Did you know that a baby laid on its mother's chest will often find its way to the nipple on its own and start sucking?  Babies whose mothers used painkillers just laid there.  Our experience was similar.  Our baby was born alert and lively.
> Once again, this is our experience and results will vary for everyone.




We've been to the birthing classes.  It was quite a learning experience for me.  My wife didn't learn as much as me (since she knew a lot of what they told us already), but it was still very useful for both of us.

They went through the various forms of pain management that you can use.  At the moment we are both pretty open to most of the options.  We want to avoid them if we can, but since it is our first child, my wife may find that the pain is more than she thought she could deal with.

What you are talking about with the babies not being as aware was discussed in our birthing classes.  It sounds like the painkilling drugs were still in the system when the baby was born.  Where we are having our baby, the hospital tries to avoid this happening by not giving you certain types of painkillers once the uterus has dialated beyond a certain point.  That way they the drug has passed through the mother and baby's systems by the time the baby is born.  At our hospital they said that they generally lay the baby on the mother's chest straight after birth so that the baby can try and breastfeed almost straight away.



> Get ready to lose touch with some freinds.  Not that they are bad friends or anything but I've found that some folks just don't understand why calling or dropping in like they used to isn't acceptable anymore.  Even friends with children of their own may forget what its like.  Also, you will find that depending on the stage of your baby, you can't plan anything for more than two hours at a time before another feeding or nap is needed.  When very young your baby can sleep anywhere with anything going on but a little later you will find that this isn't the case.
> In our case, our in-laws (who have three kids of their own) have now invited us over twice and served supper after 7PM.  By this time the baby is tired and cranky and its time for us to go home.  She won't nap at their place because there are too many other kids around.  They sometimes act like we should stay late even though the baby's miserable.  Then they get that "we've been through it and you are worrying too much air about them".  Even though I remember them leaving our place early when their children were 12 months old.
> 
> Enjoy the early stage when they will eat and sleep anywhere.  You may even be able to continue gaming.  That will typically end a few months later when they are more aware.  This is when you may find that you need to invite people over to your house rather than go to theirs.




Luckily (?   ) we don't have too many friends.  At least not those that are likely to drop in unexpectedly.

I'm not too worried about either sets of parents either.  They have been great so far and have offered to help us as much as we want after the baby is born.



> Also for down the road:
> After your baby hits about six months old (or before) you will notice relatives and friends giving him/her chocolate, cake, ice cream and so on.  Babies do not need this nor will they miss it.  A baby's stomach is only as big as their fist.  Now imagine what a plate full of cake will do.
> I've found that relatives like to give children sweets more for their own sakes rather than the baby's.  The relative likes the smile they get from the baby and the way the baby will eat it all up.  Of course they forget that this will cause the baby to get a sugar high, stomach ache and will vomit.
> Learn some diplomacy to deal with this.




I can definitely see this cropping up in the future, from my Mum mostly.  She always used to spoil us as children (not that me or my sister are obese or anything like that) and she spoils the family dog as well.  I think it is just something in her nature that she likes to do.  My wife and I have already discussed things like when the baby will be introduced to certain foods, or what they will given for lunch at school.  We'll definitely be trying to minimise the amount of soft drinks, chocolate and junk food that the baby/child is given.  With childhood obesity a big problem here in Australia, we really don't want to add our own child to the problem.



> Ok, I've contributed way more than you asked but this topic just opened up a valve of experiences for me.  I do wish I had this list 16 months ago.




Thanks for posting!  I appreciate hearing everyone's advice and experiences in this thread.  Keep it coming if you have more to tell.

Olaf the Stout


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## Olaf the Stout (Aug 7, 2007)

Kahuna Burger said:
			
		

> *nods* it is very important to be ready and willing to advocate for your wife, which obviously includes knowing what her preferences are. In addition to painkillers, some things to consider in advance - routine episiotomy (not as common these days, but some drs still practice it), whether and when to give drugs to speed and strengthen contractions*, IVs, external vs internal fetal monitoring, enemas, shaving, freedom of movement, etc etc. While you can't predict or control a birth, some things are options that a particular birth attendant can give you the impression you either don't have available or on the other end don't have a choice in. Ask questions early, and be your wife's advocate without apology.
> 
> * There is a fine line that you have to feel along in some childbirth situations between aknowledging that you aren't the one with the degree and the experience here and the sad fact that *some* OBs will try to fit your wife's labor into their schedule and try to make things happen the way that's easiest for them rather than the way that's best for the woman or child.




We've gone through all the various pain management options in the birthing classes.  We're open to most of them but we would rather avoid them if possible.  We'll just see how well my wife manages the pain when the labour starts.

The hospital likes for you to work out a birthing plan with your partner before the labour.  In it you put down all the things you want/don't want to happen.  This includes things like what pain relief you want/don't want, whether or not the partner will cut the cord, etc.,

At the same time, it is not a hard rule that you have to stick to.  If you say no drugs in the birthing plan, but your partner can't deal with the pain, you can change your mind!    

And I'm not worried about the doctors trying to fit the birth to their schedule.  We're having the baby at one of the smaller hospitals in our city and everyone we have dealt with so far has been great.  They generally only try to induce the labour when they feel that the baby might be at risk.



> edit : oh yeah, you implied you didn't know if you were having a boy or girl yet, so, without giving any advice or opinions either way (as that way lies messageboard madness) you should make sure that your wife and you are on the same page on circumcision and that those caring for your child directly after birth know your decisions.




You're correct.  We don't know what we're having yet.  We're leaving that as a surprise for the big day.      We have had the circumcision discussion though (he won't be circumcised (and I really don't want to get into a discussion on the pros and cons of it all)) and are on the same page.  I don't know what it is like elsewhere, but I think the circumcision rate here is about 10% of all boys born in Australia are circumcised.

Olaf the Stout


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## Olaf the Stout (Aug 7, 2007)

Einan said:
			
		

> Learn how to swaddle the baby well.  It calms them down quickly and that calms you down.  Nothing is worse than a baby crying and you having no idea how to sooth it.  There's a DVD by this slightly odd doctor called "The Happiest Baby on the Block."  Get it now, watch it now and practice the techniques before the baby's here.  It will save your sanity.  Oh, a tip from my wife: for the first few months, tell your wife to sleep whenever the baby does.  It will really play havoc on your sleep cycles, but it does get her some rest.
> 
> Good luck and remember: people have been having babies for millenia.  Everything will be just fine.
> 
> Einan




What is swaddling?  Is it wrapping the baby up in a blanket?

Olaf the Stout


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## takyris (Aug 7, 2007)

I always heard it called "the burrito wrap" in California. It's not, really, but that's what it was called.

Take a square-ish blanket, lay it down with the corners at NSWE, and fold N in a few inches.

Lay the baby's head at N.

Fold W over all the way, across the baby as far as it'll go, and tuck the W corner under the baby.

Fold S up all the way, and if possible, tuck the S corner back into the fold-over that W made.

Wrap E around.

You now have a baby-burrito. The baby is swaddled, warm, and comfortable.

Ideally, you do it so that the arms are stuck inside. On really good days, my kid's arms would stay inside for about two minutes, and then one arm would stick on out. 

(hijack)

Harmon, no easy ideas offhand -- that's not something I've really heard of. One possibility that I've run into a very little bit with my son is that it's not a negative reaction, but an excitement reaction. My son likes me, which is nice and all, but honestly, an excited two-year-old isn't really gonna be in a great place to cuddle. He will bounce up and down on me and want to roughhouse and generally do things that could look antagonistic, except that he's laughing as he does them, and it's understood that he and I are playing.

If it's not overstimulated playing, it's also possible that Bug has figured out that when Mom comes home, it means that she's going to be going to bed soon, and she's now associating going to bed with Mom and getting frustrated.

I don't know that that helps come up with solutions for the behavior, but I'd look at Le's schedule and see if there are any ways to mix in additional hours somewhere, at different times (like coming home for lunch). Then maybe you can see if this behavior happens all the time, or just when it's bedtime (which is coincidentally when Mom is home).


----------



## takyris (Aug 7, 2007)

PS: My wife wanted me to add the following things after reading this thread (and she really loved whoever mentioned the "pictures with baby with stuffed animal" bit):

1) What surprised her with our recent birth was the post-partum blues. Sleep deprivation doesn't help. She was annoyed with me for nagging her into sleeping, but she was extremely grateful that I did, because it helped. So encourage your wife to sleep whenever she can (and that means making the house run while she's sleeping, even if it's running in a really half-assed fashion). Be patient when she thinks she's losing her mind.

2) Encourage her (and say that money is no object for her) to buy nursing bras now, because she won't want to buy them once the baby comes, and it's a pain (for you, too, not just for her) if she doesn't have a comfortable bra to use for breastfeeding.

3) Even under the best circumstances, it can be hugely overwhelming, so stick together and don't be afraid to ask for help from anybody is offering it. Friends who can bring over pre-baked dinners or family members who can hold the baby for an hour so that both of you can nap... all of that is incredibly helpful.

4) Cut the baby's fingernails and toenails when he or she is asleep.


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## Aurora (Aug 7, 2007)

Olaf the Stout said:
			
		

> We're having the baby in a hospital.  The hospital is one of the smaller ones in Adelaide though so they're not as automated, "mother-in, mother-out" as some of the larger ones can sometimes be.
> 
> If by nursing, you mean breastfeeding, then yes, she does plan on nursing the baby.



Previous posters have given some great advice. There are some breastfeeding/nursing (both terms seem to be used pretty equally here that I have seen  ) mistakes that I made with my first child that I won't be making with my 2nd. 
1) Make sure the baby rooms in with you. (Some hospitals advocate it others don't) No matter how tired you are. No matter how much you just want that one more hour of sleep. With the baby in the room, you will automatically begin picking up on the hints that baby is getting hungry and wants to eat. That gives your wife plenty of time to get comfortable and attempt to get the baby to latch on. If baby is in the nursery, the nurses won't notice until the baby is crying, and then by the time they bring baby to you, he/she will be ANGRY and HUNGRY. It is very hard to get an angry baby to latch unless baby is a pro, which obviously isn't in the beginning. I can't stress that point enough. 
2) At the hospital after having baby, you and her will most likely be exhausted and you may think "Oh it won't hurt to give the baby one bottle". It really can. Is it something that you might be able to come back from....yes, but that is a much harder road to travel. At least from my experience. 
3) Be prepared if your wife is having latching issues to just have her stay in bed with baby all day and do nothing but tend to him/her. This may happen even if there isn't issues. LOL Many nursing babies will want to eat every 2-3 hours in the beginning and sometimes the feeding takes an hour. She is going to be SO VERY tired. She just needs to get through the first couple weeks and it will get much easier. 
4) Buy Lanolin oil BEFORE you go to the hospital and your wife should use it after she nurses every time, whether she thinks she needs it or not. And she doesn't have to wash it off or anything before she nurses the next time. Oh and she should always change her nursing pads when they wet and let her nips air dry, and no using soap on them in the shower. These things will help prevent them from getting sore and cracked. She may want to look into a product called Lilypadz. I am going to be ordering some, so I'll let you know if they are as awesome as I have heard they are. 
5) If your hospital has a lactation consultant make sure they come see you before you go home at least once. Even let the nurses know right after having the baby that you are going to want to see them. Even if things are going great, they can be of great use, and make sure you get their card so if after you get home, if you have issues you can call and ask their advice. Don't be afraid to call! 
6) If your wife is going to go back to work, and wants to pump, make sure you buy a good quality double electric pump. IMO Medela makes the best ones on the market and it is worth the money you spend. Cheap pumps will actually hurt her milk supply if she is having to pump daily. Trust me. 
7) If you have a LLL (La Leche League) or something similar in your area, it is a good idea to have her check out their support groups, especially if she needs the encouragement. She may even look into that now and maybe even see about attending a meeting. 

Someone mentioned swaddling. Swaddling is GREAT for a baby. They are used to being all tight and cozy in the womb. It makes them feel safe. I have tried a lot of different swaddling blankets and hands-down, I think that the Miracle Blanket is the best one. My best friend also got one for her daughter and felt the same way.

Wow, I wrote a lot. Sorry. LOL


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## Aurora (Aug 7, 2007)

takyris said:
			
		

> 4) Cut the baby's fingernails and toenails when he or she is asleep.



Newborns nails are so thin that I would just bite them off (while she was sleeping of course  ) because I was afraid to take a pair of sharp metal things to my precious baby's fingers!


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## HeavenShallBurn (Aug 7, 2007)

This is not so much advice about the baby as the hospital.  Don't let the baby out of your sight at the hospital, not for so much as a moment, make sure your child stays with his mother.  One those first few hours are extremely important to mother-child bonding.  Two hospitals DO accidentally switch babies from time to time, though not as frequently now as they used to and the only way to be certain is to never have your eyes off your child in the hospital.  Third your child is more likely to catch ill if he stays in the nursery.  

On a more positive note since you've said that your wife intends to breastfeed the milk produced for the first few days is extremely important as it carries anti-bodies from your wife's immune system to boost the babies own immune system.


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## Harmon (Aug 7, 2007)

Something I don't think I saw, one of our nurses told us a simple rule about warm babies- check their ears, warm ears equal warm baby, cold ears cold baby.  Check often in really hot or cold environments.



			
				takyris said:
			
		

> I always heard it called "the burrito wrap" in California. It's not, really, but that's what it was called.
> 
> Take a square-ish blanket, lay it down with the corners at NSWE, and fold N in a few inches.
> 
> ...




Great description.  One thing to add, use a thin blanket (or large burp towel) for this, you can add blankets later to keep the little one warm.



			
				takyris said:
			
		

> (hijack)
> 
> Harmon, no easy ideas offhand -- that's not something I've really heard of. One possibility that I've run into a very little bit with my son is that it's not a negative reaction, but an excitement reaction. My son likes me, which is nice and all, but honestly, an excited two-year-old isn't really gonna be in a great place to cuddle. He will bounce up and down on me and want to roughhouse and generally do things that could look antagonistic, except that he's laughing as he does them, and it's understood that he and I are playing.
> 
> ...




Ya, Bug likes to jump up and down on our laps, and that is seen as play to me and her, the wife is a little more physically fragile and can't take much of this.  

I wish Le could vary her schedules a little more, that might tell us something (great idea btw).  It really hurts her feelings that she can't be here more, and then to have Bug do that- it really hurts her feelings.

Thanks


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## Gulla (Aug 7, 2007)

Olaf the Stout said:
			
		

> I'm undecided at this point.  I have heard people say that babies need to get used to sleeping with background noise, and there will be two closed doors between where we game, and where the baby will be sleeping.  At the same time, I don't think my wife will be too impressed if she finally gets the baby to sleep and it wakes up because we were too loud.
> 
> What have other people's experiences been in this situation?



We have (almost) never made any effort to have the house or surroundings quiet for our kids. The baby is used to sleep in a very noisy environment (the womb) and in a normal household we have had no problems getting the babies to sleep even with a gaming group or two older brothers playing in the house. But it will of cource be different from baby to baby.

What we have done to facilitate the sleeping though is that from around 1 month old we have had a rather rigid ritual for going to sleep. The same routine every time (food, change, hug, bed, sleep well). That seems to help a lot. We also started at the same time to make a special routine for "going to bed for the night" to mark it as a special going to bed. It seemed to work well, specially when we tried (more than half a year later) to get the kids to sleep all the night   



			
				Olaf the Stout said:
			
		

> This is one thing that I'm not particularly looking forward too (then again, I don't know how many people actually do!    ).  However, I'm sure I'll learn to deal with it pretty quickly.



To quote a 2-week old mother i know: "It is amasing how fast you get a relaxed relationship with previously disgusting bodily fluids"   

And a personal tip on changing diapers:
Always have a towel under the kid big enough to lift up between the legs and place on the stomack of the kid. I have no experience with baby girls, but baby boys can and will spray urine all over in the few seconds they lie on their back and you look for a lotion or diaper or something. With the towel up between the legs, only the towel gets wet   

Håkon


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## Thornir Alekeg (Aug 7, 2007)

Kahuna Burger said:
			
		

> As for the general theme of "overprotectiveness".... I'm of very mixed minds. On one hand, I'm sure there is some level of protectiveness I would consider too much. On the other hand, folks who say "oh let them do [dangerous thing X] they won't do it again" remind me that my mom grew up sans one aunt who as a toddler pulled a pan of boiling water down on herself and indeed didn't do it, or anything else, ever again.  :\  Some level of rough and tumble is fine based on age level, but I'm not willing to risk my kid being the one who dies on behalf of a rose colored pining for the fire hardened generations past.... Having seen "overprotective" used to mean a dozen different levels of parenting, it's hard to agree that it bears any even passing relationship to abuse.



 I agree with you.  It can be hard to tread that line between letting kids learn from experience and putting them in danger of being seriously hurt.  I try to use common sense in assessing the situation; potential bump, cut or scrape - let it go.  Potential hospitalization warrants immediate  intervention, which can be anything from a steadying hand to physically removing the child from the situation.  

On the other end of this, my wife showed me an article from one of her parenting magazines that made us laugh.  An American woman moved to Sweden and was amazed at how the parents there didn't hover over their kids on the playground or other play activities and yet the kids didn't get hurt because they learned their own limitations.  The part that made us laugh was when one child climbed a tall, but thin tree that was bending and looking very precarious under the child's weight.  The Swedish mother rushed out and told the child to get down...because the tree might get hurt.


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## Kahuna Burger (Aug 7, 2007)

Thunderfoot said:
			
		

> Good luck with your angel mannered meatball.



OK, now that I've laughed hystericly long enough...    Seriously, while he is a good little guy all things considered, he's far from an angel. But the emotions he expresses are the emotions he's feeling, and he's never shown any signs of reacting more to a boo boo to get a reaction. (it is of course arguable that I simply spoil him so rotten in the course of day to day life that the extra attention from a boo boo simply isn't worth the extra effort.   )


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## Kahuna Burger (Aug 7, 2007)

Olaf the Stout said:
			
		

> I'm undecided at this point.  I have heard people say that babies need to get used to sleeping with background noise, and there will be two closed doors between where we game, and where the baby will be sleeping.  At the same time, I don't think my wife will be too impressed if she finally gets the baby to sleep and it wakes up because we were too loud.
> 
> What have other people's experiences been in this situation?  My gaming group is generally very considerate, however one of them can get a little loud at times (and he is aware of this), hence some apprehension on my group's part at still playing at our house after the baby is born.
> 
> Olaf the Stout



My expereicne is that it's not the overall volume as much as sudden changes in volume. I took the Meatball to a gameday when he was fairly young and he fell asleep in the sling fairly easily in spite of the games... but if something happened where there would be a sudden peal of laughter, he would wake up crying. With a couple of walls in between, I wouldn't worry too much.


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## Kahuna Burger (Aug 7, 2007)

Olaf the Stout said:
			
		

> You're correct.  We don't know what we're having yet.  We're leaving that as a surprise for the big day.      We have had the circumcision discussion though (he won't be circumcised (and I really don't want to get into a discussion on the pros and cons of it all)) and are on the same page.  I don't know what it is like elsewhere, but I think the circumcision rate here is about 10% of all boys born in Australia are circumcised.



It can be something of a hot button issue in America, which is why I avoided voicing an opinion. 

I didn't know with the meatball either, and I worked with the public while pregnant. At some point if folks asked "do you know what you're having?" I would answer "Well, we're hoping for a human child - we already have a pug, so I don't want to have another of those...."   I also considered making a button that said _*You must pay me $5 to guess the sex of my baby*_.


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## Yesminde (Aug 7, 2007)

I only have one bit of concrete advice: get a Snuggly or other child-carrying-backpack thing.  My parents got one and used it for both of my brothers and the baby is SO much happier on your back or stomach in that thing than lying down somewhere or in a stroller.  Plus, they can breastfeed in the sack too.


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## Kahuna Burger (Aug 7, 2007)

Yesminde said:
			
		

> I only have one bit of concrete advice: get a Snuggly or other child-carrying-backpack thing.  My parents got one and used it for both of my brothers and the baby is SO much happier on your back or stomach in that thing than lying down somewhere or in a stroller.  Plus, they can breastfeed in the sack too.



The meatball is a big fan of slings...

Kahuna Meatball climbs Diamond Head in a borrowed moby wrap. (basicly a 5 yard long strip of fabric. Easy to "make", lots of ways to wear it, but it takes some practice.)






Kahuna Meatball helps mommy with some filing at work in his Maya wrap. (a ring sling with a nice pocket in the 'tail'. He went through a brief phase when he was too wiggly for it, and as he got heavier the aysmetry of it wore on my knee, but it's very quick to get on and off, and just looks like a sash when there's no baby in it.)





There used to be this great site with lots pf babywearing methods, but I can't find it now.


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## Chaldfont (Aug 7, 2007)

I'll second the sling idea. We had one for each kid and it was great. In the early days, the baby will just sleep in there and you can pretend for a little while that you still have your old, pre-kid lives by going out to eat and stuff.

Plus its a great for discrete nursing.


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## Thornir Alekeg (Aug 7, 2007)

Chaldfont said:
			
		

> I'll second the sling idea. We had one for each kid and it was great. In the early days, the baby will just sleep in there and you can pretend for a little while that you still have your old, pre-kid lives by going out to eat and stuff.
> 
> Plus its a great for discrete nursing.



 As with anything, each child may be different.  My daughter _hated_ the sling, but didn't mind the Baby Bjorn we had.  My son, on the other hand, loved the sling and hated the Baby Bjorn.


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## Simplicity (Aug 7, 2007)

Congrats!  Biggest piece of advice is that other parents have lots of advice, which they will dispense without warning.  Learn to ignore it.

Swaddling is REALLY important to learn.  A newborn doesn't sleep like a big person.  You lay them down, and they will flail and kick and hit themselves in the head.  And then they'll get upset because hey, something is hitting them in the head!  Aggggh!!! And I was trying to sleep and waaaaaa! It keeps hitting me!! And now it's hitting me even harder!!!!!!!

So, you burrito wrap them *tightly* to keep their arms securely against their sides.  Yes, it sounds like a sick thing to do to a kid.... but it really really helps them calm down and sleep.   There's a whole set of things which also help (rocking, shushing, dim lights, etc.).

Advice #3 (if you're counting): If it's a boy...  when you change the diaper, aim it downward before you put the new diaper on.  IYKWIMAITYD.

Advice #4: Burping.  Get lots of burp cloths.  And don't just pat.  Little pats do nothing.  If you're burping well, you gotta smack dat baby (not wail on them, but harder than you'd expect really).  You should be able to hear the pats across a small room.

Now that your child is properly cleaned, restrained, and beaten on, you can get on with being a good parent.  And stuff.


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## Raven Crowking (Aug 7, 2007)

First off, congrats!

Second off, try to remember that your parents were also young(ish) and foolish(ish) when they first had kids, so now's the time to forgive them for whatever they did & hopefully learn from it.  I never understood my parents quite so well as when I first had a child.  Which also means, go to your parents for advice and support if you can.  You might see a whole 'nother side of them!

Try to keep the primary relationship strong with physical contact, though be aware that you might be more than a little lonely in the sack for a bit.  Some women experience pain during intercourse while breastfeeding; it's normal and it will eventually go away.  It has nothing to do with whether the baby is delivered vaginally of via C-Section, either.  So, both of you should try to maintain physical contact without pressure, as much as you feel comfortable with.

If you can take time off, do it.  Watch out for postpartum depression, which is (AFAIK) biochemical in nature and can affect anyone who delivers a baby.

Remember that newborns are fragile creatures.  Support the neck.  I know you've gotten swaddling advice already....I'm not sure you've gotten husing advice.  When the baby is in the womb the whole world (supposedly) sounds kind of "whoosh-whooshy".  You can mimic this with your swaddled baby by hushing close to him/her.

Some babies cry.  A lot.  It's not your fault.  Maintain patience and calm, even if it means parenting in turns.  If the crying seems at all unusual, though, have it checked out.

Lighten up on the day-to-day stuff.  If you don't know how to cook, learn, because Mom is going to need some time to feed the baby, bond with the baby, recover, and so on.  If you don't know how to change a diaper, learn.  In fact, now's the time to put the concept of "partnership" to the test.

Good luck.  I've got three children, aged 16, 8, and 10 months.  They are all wonderful beings, if sometimes a little vexing, and all unique individuals.  Parenthood can really be worth all of the work.  There will be work.  And heartache (wait 'til you get to the teen years!).  But there'll be a lot of joy, too.


RC


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## Simplicity (Aug 7, 2007)

Oh wait I forgot something.

Babies don't make sense.  Really.  Don't try to use your vulcan logic.  It's useless.

For example, a hungry baby often doesn't want food.  Baby's really really hungry, so hungry that he/she is not going to eat.  Well, you *know* the baby's hungry and it's going to cry and exhaust itself until it gets food.  The proper response is: whatever works.  

I have a two-year-old right now.  Here's a typical interaction from a few days ago.

Me: You want to go to the grocery store with me?
Him: No, I don't want to go.
Me: Okay, then.
Him: I want to go.
Me: Let's get shoes on then.
Him: I want milk.
Me: Okay, we'll get milk and then go.
Him: I don't want to go.  I want milk.
Me: Here's some milk.
Him: I want to go store!
Me: Okay, let's get in the car then.
Him: I want to go back.
Me: Did you want more milk?
Him: Yes.
Me: Okay, back then.
Him: I want to go store.
Me: We'll go back and get the milk, and then go to the store.  Sound good?
Him: No, I don't want to go back.  I want to go store.
Me: Okay.  We're going to the store now.
Him: NO!  I don't want to go store.
Me: Sorry, but we're going to the store now.  
Him: Arrrrgggg!!!!
Me:


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## Kahuna Burger (Aug 7, 2007)

Simplicity said:
			
		

> Oh wait I forgot something.
> 
> Babies don't make sense.  Really.  Don't try to use your vulcan logic.  It's useless.
> 
> ...



What were you doing taking my son to the store?!?!   

(oh wait, thats not him afterall, he won't drink anything except water. But it has to be ther right water...   )


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## Simplicity (Aug 7, 2007)

Kahuna Burger said:
			
		

> What were you doing taking my son to the store?!?!
> 
> (oh wait, thats not him afterall, he won't drink anything except water. But it has to be ther right water...   )




Oh, dear god.  Don't get me going about the right water...  

No, not that water.  In the Dora cup.  No!!!  The other Dora cup!  I don't want it (push!!!!).  

There goes the water, and here comes the tantrum.


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## Kahuna Burger (Aug 7, 2007)

Simplicity said:
			
		

> Oh, dear god.  Don't get me going about the right water...
> 
> No, not that water.  In the Dora cup.  No!!!  The other Dora cup!  I don't want it (push!!!!).
> 
> There goes the water, and here comes the tantrum.



I'll see your Other Dora Cup and raise you a Different Thomas Story. "No, I don't like that Thomas story I want Thomas falls down and needs Breaking Down Train!" "Um, could you be more specific?" "Watch one where Thomas falls down and Breaking Down Train picks up again!" *Kahuna Burger checks the part of her brain which once held vital information on world politics but currently cross references Thomas And Friends episodes by trains, injuries and rolling stock* "You mean Trust Thomas?" "YES!" "OK, let me get that one out..." "No that one too scarey!"  :\


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## Raven Crowking (Aug 7, 2007)

BTW, they grow out of _everything_ at an incredible rate.  Don't spend too much on baby clothes.


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## Olaf the Stout (Aug 8, 2007)

Raven Crowking said:
			
		

> BTW, they grow out of _everything_ at an incredible rate.  Don't spend too much on baby clothes.




My wife being a kindergarten teacher has been a real bonus in this respect.  We've already had a few parents give us heaps of clothes that they had for their children when they were babies.  Little ones grow so fast that most of the clothes still look like they are brand new.  Add in the clothes that friends and family buy you after the birth and I think that we should be mostly set for the first 6 months.

Olaf the Stout


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## Simplicity (Aug 8, 2007)

Kahuna Burger said:
			
		

> I'll see your Other Dora Cup and raise you a Different Thomas Story. "No, I don't like that Thomas story I want Thomas falls down and needs Breaking Down Train!" "Um, could you be more specific?" "Watch one where Thomas falls down and Breaking Down Train picks up again!" *Kahuna Burger checks the part of her brain which once held vital information on world politics but currently cross references Thomas And Friends episodes by trains, injuries and rolling stock* "You mean Trust Thomas?" "YES!" "OK, let me get that one out..." "No that one too scarey!"  :\




Alright, I'm gonna go all in.

I tried to get my son to go to bed one night.  He hates to go to bed.  It's the end of the world to him.  So I sit next to his bed, and tell him that it's time to go to sleep.  He just needs to close his eyes and lie still for a bit.  His answer:

"Can't close eyes.  They're broken."


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## takyris (Aug 8, 2007)

Kahuna Burger said:
			
		

> I'll see your Other Dora Cup and raise you a Different Thomas Story. "No, I don't like that Thomas story I want Thomas falls down and needs Breaking Down Train!" "Um, could you be more specific?" "Watch one where Thomas falls down and Breaking Down Train picks up again!" *Kahuna Burger checks the part of her brain which once held vital information on world politics but currently cross references Thomas And Friends episodes by trains, injuries and rolling stock* "You mean Trust Thomas?" "YES!" "OK, let me get that one out..." "No that one too scarey!"  :\




Our PVR contains approximately 20 hours worth of:

Mighty Machines
Max & Ruby
Backyardigans
Pocoyo
and Little Bear

Our child may very well never know what it means to have a show "not be on".


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## Aurora (Aug 8, 2007)

takyris said:
			
		

> Our PVR contains approximately 20 hours worth of:
> 
> Mighty Machines
> Max & Ruby
> ...



LOL Sounds like our child. 

We have (in order of importance to her):
Max & Ruby
Backyardigans
The Little Mermaid (cartoon from the 90's - still airs on Disney)
We used to do Jack's Big Music Show, but she is SO done with that.


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## papastebu (Aug 8, 2007)

Congratulations!
Beware the colic.
I don't know what causes it, but for the first 8 mos or so, my boy would start screaming right around four in the evening and let up around 7 or 8. Occasionally it would happen again a few hours later. We asked doctors, nurses, older parents, and random strangers. No-one knew, though many were full of advice. He could not get the pain out of his stomach, but--and I'm sorry I don't remember the name--we tried a liquiform anti-gas, stomach-relaxer of some sort in his feed, and sanity came back into our house. As much as it ever was there, I suppose.
I warn specifically about this because this one condition made what should have been the happiest time of our lives very difficult. Couldn't overshadow all the joy, but it did put a damper on the period.
Also, do not under any circumstances allow anyone but yourself or your wife to do any "firsts" with your child, and make sure that she is there when YOU do any of them. Solid food, first steps, etc, should never belong to the in-laws, for example. Just a little heads-up from one who knows of what he speaks in this regard.


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## Thornir Alekeg (Aug 8, 2007)

papastebu said:
			
		

> Also, do not under any circumstances allow anyone but yourself or your wife to do any "firsts" with your child, and make sure that she is there when YOU do any of them. Solid food, first steps, etc, should never belong to the in-laws, for example. Just a little heads-up from one who knows of what he speaks in this regard.



  It didn't really matter to me whether I saw the "first" or not, I got the same rush when I got to see it myself for the first time and didn't feel cheated by not seeing the baby's first time.  If your child goes into daycare, that is something you will have to accept.  I'm sure our daycare provider didn't tell us about some firsts that happened there to preserve the surprise for us, but on a couple of occasions other enthusiastic children from the daycare would tell us all about it at pick-up time.


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## takyris (Aug 8, 2007)

Just to splinter off into children's television-land:

http://pats-quinade.livejournal.com/61839.html

I may possibly have overreacted a little to a specific Bob the Builder mini-adventure.


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## Kahuna Burger (Aug 8, 2007)

takyris said:
			
		

> Just to splinter off into children's television-land:
> 
> http://pats-quinade.livejournal.com/61839.html
> 
> I may possibly have overreacted a little to a specific Bob the Builder mini-adventure.



You should hear me reading Thomas stories and adding little editorial comments like "And then Thomas went off and did whatever he pleased, because in this episode he doesn't have a driver, even though in the one right before it, he HAD to have a driver to work his brakes...." I also yell at the Bearnstein Bears opening song....  

Edit : for extra special overthinking parent points, get annoyed when you see a picture of a starry sky where a star is shining in the center of the dark part of a cresent moon. Point it out and say "oh look, and there is where the moon people set off an H bomb...."


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## Simplicity (Aug 8, 2007)

takyris said:
			
		

> Just to splinter off into children's television-land:
> 
> http://pats-quinade.livejournal.com/61839.html
> 
> I may possibly have overreacted a little to a specific Bob the Builder mini-adventure.




Agreed.  Some children shows are really, really hard to keep quiet during.
Dora, for example.  She always asks, "What was YOUR favorite part of our adventure?"
And then pauses... and pauses.  And I can't help but say, "The awkward silences."

I also can't help but think of her as a mutant.  Dora has telekinetic abilities (usually used when she counts).  She speaks Spanish, but also can talk to animals... without even realizing it.  That's Diego's whole shtick, but Dora doesn't even notice that the animals are going "ooh ooh eeh eeh".  She just talks to them.  Her one weakness?  Totally oblivious to everything.  "Do you see a mountain?"  "Do you see an OCEAN?"  Come on, Dora.

It doesn't help that her enemy (swiper the fox) steals things, yells "you'll never find it now!" and then tosses whatever it is over his shoulder and walks off.  Not exactly the Green Goblin.

Don't even get me started about some of the books my son has....  The Little Red Caboose.  The Little Red Caboose always came last.  (heh. heh.)  Here come two big black engines to push the little red caboose from behind!  (Okay, I have to stop reading this now).


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## Kahuna Burger (Aug 8, 2007)

Simplicity said:
			
		

> Don't even get me started about some of the books my son has....  The Little Red Caboose.  The Little Red Caboose always came last.  (heh. heh.)  Here come two big black engines to push the little red caboose from behind!  (Okay, I have to stop reading this now).



Have you seen the "One two, Pooh Bear's coming to you" book? The first two pages totally and completely mirror the little rhyme from the Nightmare on Elm Street stories. I can barely make it through reading it, and I always feel a little creepy when I do....


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## Simplicity (Aug 8, 2007)

Kahuna Burger said:
			
		

> You should hear me reading Thomas stories and adding little editorial comments like "And then Thomas went off and did whatever he pleased, because in this episode he doesn't have a driver, even though in the one right before it, he HAD to have a driver to work his brakes...." I also yell at the Bearnstein Bears opening song....
> 
> Edit : for extra special overthinking parent points, get annoyed when you see a picture of a starry sky where a star is shining in the center of the dark part of a cresent moon. Point it out and say "oh look, and there is where the moon people set off an H bomb...."




Nice.    But they're just like people, only moreso...

There's one show I REALLY hate.  It's Angelina Ballerina.  It's the show that teaches you that there's nothing an emotional breakdown can't solve.  Gee, Angelina's really screwing things up... Let's wait for her to cry...  And now she's crying.  Oh, look it was all a misunderstanding.  My wife and I place bets about how many minutes into the episode she'll start crying.  And sometimes we're both right because she has two breakdowns.


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## takyris (Aug 8, 2007)

There's a part of me that, had I much more free time and better video-editing skills, would take massive pleasure in remixing some Thomas.

Tonight, on a very special "Thomas the Tank Engine"...

(shot of Thomas and Edward, with Thomas having the classic angry face)

As unforgivable things are said...

"Edward, you have a problem with coal!"

"Shut up, Thomas! Shut up and stay out of my life!"

...and engines go onto tracks they can't switch off...

(shot of Edward going off a broken bridge with the classic "Oh no!" face)

...Percy's mission to take down a criminal overlord gets him in over his head...

Topham Hat: "What's the matter, Percy? You're steaming like a pig."

Percy: (panic face) "Uh, nothing, Don Topham Hat, sir."

Topham Hat: "You're not wearing a wire, are you, Percy? You know what happens to engines that wear wires..."

...and it could be the end of the line...

(shot of Percy being hit by the freight-hauling crane and knocked off the tracks, again with the classic "Oh no!" face)

Tonight, on Thomas's Creek.


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## Simplicity (Aug 8, 2007)

takyris said:
			
		

> There's a part of me that, had I much more free time and better video-editing skills, would take massive pleasure in remixing some Thomas.
> 
> Tonight, on a very special "Thomas the Tank Engine"...
> 
> ...




That's a great idea...

"I can't believe you've been cheating on me!"

"I'm sorry, Thomas... I just can't help loving Ben's brand new buffers!"


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## Kahuna Burger (Aug 8, 2007)

Simplicity said:
			
		

> That's a great idea...
> 
> "I can't believe you've been cheating on me!"
> 
> "I'm sorry, Thomas... I just can't help loving Ben's brand new buffers!"



you are bad bad people....

And I love you all....   

Why add voices, just remix what they've got...

"James buffered up to the cars *very gently*...."


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## Aeolius (Aug 9, 2007)

Simplicity said:
			
		

> ...Some children shows are really, really hard to keep quiet during.
> Dora, for example.  She always asks, "What was YOUR favorite part of our adventure?"
> And then pauses... and pauses.  And I can't help but say, "The awkward silences."




   I had to watch myself, as I often mock Dora aloud. Map always mentions three places for Dora to visit on her daily quest. I caught my kids copying me as I sang "Bridge, Forest, Liquor Store!!"


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## Olaf the Stout (Aug 9, 2007)

takyris said:
			
		

> Just to splinter off into children's television-land:
> 
> http://pats-quinade.livejournal.com/61839.html
> 
> I may possibly have overreacted a little to a specific Bob the Builder mini-adventure.




I don't know if the crane reacted that badly.  You haven't seen me deal with a spider!  Sure, they're small and I've never been bitten by one (and even if I was, chances are it probably wouldn't give me more than some localised swelling), but do you think I don't get a little shock when I see one unexpectedly.  For even more humour, what me do my own special little dance when I discover that one has dropped onto my head from above and started crawling around in my hair!       

Olaf the Stout


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## Aurora (Aug 9, 2007)

Aeolius said:
			
		

> I had to watch myself, as I often mock Dora aloud. Map always mentions three places for Dora to visit on her daily quest. I caught my kids copying me as I sang "Bridge, Forest, Liquor Store!!"



Heeheehee Dshai wants to make a one-shot based on Dora. You have a map that takes you to 2 dangerous places before the place you are trying to actually get to. A bag of holding that someone else has to activate for you to be able to use.......

"Excuse me sir. I need to get into my bag."
"So, do it."
"You don't understand. Can you yell 'bag' for me?"
".............."


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## Simplicity (Aug 9, 2007)

Aurora said:
			
		

> Heeheehee Dshai wants to make a one-shot based on Dora. You have a map that takes you to 2 dangerous places before the place you are trying to actually get to. A bag of holding that someone else has to activate for you to be able to use.......
> 
> "Excuse me sir. I need to get into my bag."
> "So, do it."
> ...




Yeah, the MAP is really Dora's biggest nemesis.  I was watching one episode where it was like... Go over the wall, across the boardwalk, and then go to the BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN.
And I'm just like, what the hell?!?!  She's like 5 or something?!?!

Not to mention all the times she has to cross crocodile lake back and forth.

Now you tell Dora:  Baghdad, Volcano, CENTER OF THE SUN!  Muahahaha!


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## Hijinks (Aug 9, 2007)

Our kid will only get to watch Warner Brothers cartoons (his idea) and "Dot and the Kangaroo(mine).  That's it.  Ok, not really.  But that's what we'd prefer.

Anyway, I'm 5 months pregnant with our first as well (waves to her husband who she just directed to this thread but he said he had to work right now, wth is up with that...).  I'll share some of the advice I've gotten so far from other moms:

1.)  Dunno how excitable your wife is but, if you have anyone try to tell her horror stories about the most terrible birth ever and they were in labor for 40 days and ripped sideways and the baby was chartreuse when it came out... don't let them.  It does first time parents absolutely zero good to hear the horror stories.  Your birth will be different from everyone else's in the world and there's no point whatsoever in dreading what *might* happen.  Know what could happen and be prepared to handle it, but don't dread it.

2.)  To go along with #1, don't let anyone tell you or your wife what you SHOULD do for a birth.  There are some people out there who are so anti-epidural or anti-c-section that they'll rail against it for hours if you let them.  Are medical interventions always necessary?  Not always.  As someone mentioned on page 1, dr's have been known to try to move women along in their labor in order to make it easier for the dr, not the parents.  Just be vigilant and aware of why certain things are necessary and when, and be prepared to say "I don't think we need that right now."

OTOH, if your wife wants an epidural NOW, let her have it 

Same thing goes for breastfeeding.  If your wife struggles and tries and agonizes for weeks and it just doesn't work, don't let anyone make her feel badly about that.  My sister is a rabid pro-breastfeeder and she is very contemptuous of any woman who bottle feeds.  It's frankly none of her business which my husband and I decide to do for our family.  If anyone tries to make your wife feel like less of a mother (and yes, there are a lot of women out there who will try this), don't let them.  Step in and tell them to butt out.

3.)  Send thank-you notes for baby gifts 

4.)  You might be stocking up on diapers now, but there are a lot of newborns with sensitive skin that certain brands won't work on.  Instead of buying diapers, I've been buying a $10 gift card to Target or Walmart each week with my groceries.  I've got a stack of 'em so far.  So I will use those to buy diapers when the baby arrives, and I can try different brands to decide which ones work best for my baby.

5.)  I've heard that cloth diapers make excellent burp cloths.


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## Kahuna Burger (Aug 9, 2007)

Hijinks said:
			
		

> 2.)  To go along with #1, don't let anyone tell you or your wife what you SHOULD do for a birth.  There are some people out there who are so anti-epidural or anti-c-section that they'll rail against it for hours if you let them.



*whistles innocently* (actually I only tend to rail against [doctor's] convenience inductions.)

And believe it or not, I had one woman shortly after my pregnancy inform me and some other natural birthed mamas that it was selfish to refuse an epidural and somehow was a case of putting our egos before the child.   You will find insanity in all flavors.

edit :
oh and on cloth diapers - even if you don't go that route overall, consider putting some in the kid's diaper as 'doublers' when you are ready to start thinking potty training. Disposable diapers can be *too* effective at keeping the moisture away from the kid, so they don't learn what it feels like when they are peeing/about to pee. (which then leads to super expensive special diapers with a non absorbant strip.   )


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## Glyfair (Aug 9, 2007)

The one tip I have isn't immediately relevant, but I've noticed is actually very good.

Never threaten something you aren't willing to follow through on.  Kids have selective memories just like adults.  If you fail to follow through on a threat they remember that one time rather than the ten times you follow through.  Whenever you threaten something later they will feel they have a good chance of you not following through with it.

For example, I've seen a lot of parents have unruly children in stores.  They'll tell the kids that they are leaving and not getting the kids anything if they don't calm down.  A large percentage of the time the kids don't calm down and the parents still get the kids what they were at teh store for.  Needless to say, those are usually the kids misbehaving the most.


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## Olaf the Stout (Aug 10, 2007)

Hijinks said:
			
		

> Our kid will only get to watch Warner Brothers cartoons (his idea) and "Dot and the Kangaroo(mine).  That's it.  Ok, not really.  But that's what we'd prefer.
> 
> Anyway, I'm 5 months pregnant with our first as well (waves to her husband who she just directed to this thread but he said he had to work right now, wth is up with that...).  I'll share some of the advice I've gotten so far from other moms:
> 
> ...




Yeah, my wife has had enough of people telling her the birthing horror stories.  This is one thing where being a Kindergarten Teacher has been a disadvantage for her.  It seems people only ever want to tell you all the bad things that happen.  Nobody ever goes on about the nice normal pregnancy that they had!

And we won't be letting anyone force us into anything.  My wife does get a bit fed up with some people that try to force her opinions on her.  I'm pretty good at just blocking it out most of the time.  If anyone persists at telling us what we *have* to do with our child (and not should do) I will be telling them where to go pretty quickly.

I'm normally a very laid back guy that will go along with almost anything.  However, I'm not going to raise my child in a certain way to keep someone else happy or because someone told me to.  Obviously I will listen to advice from doctors, etc., but I'm not going to do something just because random stranger or relative says that's what I have to do.

My wife has already told me that I have to write down what all the gifts are that people give us at the hospital so that she can write thank-you notes.  (I may not listen to some people but I'm not going to argue with a hormonal, heavily pregnant woman!  I learn quickly!!     )

Olaf the Stout


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## Kahuna Burger (Aug 10, 2007)

Olaf the Stout said:
			
		

> Yeah, my wife has had enough of people telling her the birthing horror stories.  This is one thing where being a Kindergarten Teacher has been a disadvantage for her.  It seems people only ever want to tell you all the bad things that happen.  Nobody ever goes on about the nice normal pregnancy that they had!



Please pass on to your wife that I had a very normal, boring, occasionally fun pregnancy, and a long and unexciting lead up to a perfectly normal birth, with no complications that required any more intervention than a couple of well trained homebirth midwives could provide.   (see, that's why people don't tell her, because its boring!)


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## Aeolius (Aug 10, 2007)

a few more simple gems:

SHE has the babies. YOU change the diapers. FOREVER. A fair trade, don't you think?

When SHE gets up, YOU get up. The sleeping in shifts thing causes unrest. 

Now is the time to purchase an african grey parrot. Teach it every inane tune from every kid's show on TV. When the kid turns 13, they will hate you for it. THIS gives you power.

Gymboree blankets; the softest in the multiverse.

Before naming the child, try to envision every nickname a cruel child might twist it into. Make sure you don't give them a common acronym.


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## Simplicity (Aug 10, 2007)

Aeolius said:
			
		

> Before naming the child, try to envision every nickname a cruel child might twist it into. Make sure you don't give them a common acronym.




That's why you should name your kid something like Optimus Prime.  They'll be a schoolyard hero.  For a while at least.


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## takyris (Aug 10, 2007)

Not to be contrary, but:



			
				Aeolius said:
			
		

> a few more simple gems:
> 
> SHE has the babies. YOU change the diapers. FOREVER. A fair trade, don't you think?




That's your power dynamic. That's not how it is, or should be, for everyone.

Note, I say that as a dad who changes diapers. Putting these absolute "that's how it must be" statements up there isn't gonna work for all families.



> When SHE gets up, YOU get up. The sleeping in shifts thing causes unrest.




Unrest for whom?

Right now, I sleep most of the night (but am available to be woken up should my wife need an assist or a time-out), and I watch the kids so that she can sneak naps in elsewhere. (I just got back from lunch at home, watching the Dude for an hour while she slept.)

I'd suggest that the family figure out something that works for the family. Maybe that means that everyone is up whenever anyone is up. Maybe it means that mom pumps, and the baby is always fed from a bottle, which means that mom and dad can alternate shifts at night. Maybe it means something completely different.


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## Aurora (Aug 10, 2007)

Yeah, the sleeping in shifts thing worked great for us. We didn't do it ALL the time, but those first couple weeks when you both feel like you might die from sleep exhaustion it is nice to say "go sleep for 2 hours, and then I'll sleep for 2 hours".


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## Simplicity (Aug 10, 2007)

Aeolius said:
			
		

> a few more simple gems:
> 
> SHE has the babies. YOU change the diapers. FOREVER. A fair trade, don't you think?
> 
> ...




I gotta say, this is some of the worst advice I've ever heard.  

A) No deal unless I can get a nasal epidural.

B) Any parent of a newborn who trades a little sleep for a little peace deserves neither and will lose both.

C) Grey parrots live longer than people do.  Your kid will be hating you long after you're dead.


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## Harmon (Aug 11, 2007)

Raven Crowking said:
			
		

> BTW, they grow out of _everything_ at an incredible rate.  Don't spend too much on baby clothes.




Good Will is a pretty good place to give away or buy clothes for the little one.  I have taken many loads to the donation station.  

Should have thought to sell them on eBay ("5 lb bag of baby clothes from preme to six months old.  Best offer"), cause we need the money to buy more clothes.

Remind people that buy your little one when your kid was born and where you live.  Someone living in somewhere really hot will not need a parka.  My step mother purchased a bathing suit for Bug (our daughter) that would fit a one year old, she did this for her first X Mas (11 months old at the time) "when is Bug gonna where this?"  "When she goes to a pool"  "this summer?"  "Ya"  "she will be 18 months." 

Start standing your little one at four months.  Our daughter took her first steps at seven and half months and was walking (well two steps at a time) by eight months.  

Talk to your little one- as much as you can, the more you enter act the more you will increase their vocal skills.

Get a video camera of some kind and record everything, then edit it together.  Wish we had done that.

Have fun, sleep while you can, kiss your wife and tell her how much you love her.


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## crystal (Aug 14, 2007)

There is a lot of good advice here.   I know when I was pregers with my daughter I was terrafied from all the horror stories.  So dont take all the stories you hear to heart.  Bad way to go. When the baby comes have lots and lots of diapers on hand. when getting up with baby something to keep in mind. 1) Change diaper. 2) feed baby 3) burp baby. if baby falls asleep dont put him down just yet. He will wake up within 20 minits crying.Wait  then change diaper again. As soon as baby is done eating, it will come out the other end. When holding, burping baby, keep a burp wrag over your shoulder...Trust me, nothing more plesant than a nice warm formula spit up rolling down your back.  If you are having a baby boy, after you remove his diaper, quiqley place another over his wee wee. When they are exposed to cool air thew shoot off strait up in the air, and over their heads....My son did this several times before I learned to cover him up. Your wife will have mood swings for a while. When she cries, hold her and let her know how much you love her. When she is grumpy, offer to watch the baby while she sleeps..Your support and love will help her more than you know. If she decides to breast feed, dont let her have caffine. I drank coffee like crazy, and unknowingly it was effecting my daughter. She was up crying 24-7. I drank the coffee to stay up with her and breast feed. It was a non stop cycle....


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## Olaf the Stout (Aug 15, 2007)

My wife doesn't like tea or coffee and doesn't drink a lot of caffeinated soft drinks so I think that we should be ok in that regard.

Olaf the Stout


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## Hijinks (Aug 15, 2007)

LOL @ the cover-the-wee-wee thing.

I just read in BabyTalk magazine this morning about a mom who was changing her son's diaper and she had his legs up at just the right angle that he was peeing into his mouth   

That'll be me *sigh*  We just found out today it's a boy!  Huzzah!

If you already have all of the "stuff" you need like onesies and stuff, and people ask you what they can bring/give, ask them to make you a casserole or something that you can freeze and heat up after the baby's born.  Should save you lots of time and energy.

I won't make my husband change ALL of the diapers like the PP mentioned, but maybe the first one of the day 

As Bill Cosby says, to paraphrase, "The first poopoo is the greatest, you're showing it around to everyone and saying 'oh what a cute poopoo!' ... then around 3 weeks old, god puts smell in the poopoo."


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## Kahuna Burger (Aug 15, 2007)

crystal said:
			
		

> If you are having a baby boy, after you remove his diaper, quiqley place another over his wee wee. When they are exposed to cool air thew shoot off strait up in the air, and over their heads....My son did this several times before I learned to cover him up.



It's funny, I kept expecting this, but the Kahuna Meatball only managed to pee on himself - no altitiude to speak of. The quick cover was still good to prevent the changing pad from getting wet, though.


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## crystal (Aug 16, 2007)

I just read in BabyTalk magazine this morning about a mom who was changing her son's diaper and she had his legs up at just the right angle that he was peeing into his mouth


lol, my boy peed on his face, in mine, several times, and my daughter was watchin me change his diaper, I told her to get back, but she would not. I placed the wrag over my boys wee wee and she pulled it off just in time for him to pee in her face. The whole time she was tellin him Bubba stop, bad bubba...no no baby .....lol, she never pulled anything off again...poor thing she was only 1 and a few monts....lol......


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## billd91 (Aug 16, 2007)

Don't let anyone guilt you if you don't form an instant bond with your baby. This is especially for the fathers who don't have the intimate physical attachment with the infant. Normally you hear airy-fairy stories about how even fathers instantly connected with their child.
But it doesn't always happen. It didn't happen with me with my first baby. I was more freaked out (though I hid it from my wife) because you can virtually feel freedoms crash in around you, steamrolled by responsibilities, and the whole situation can be very intimidating with that first child.

Thankfully, our hospital had a newborn channel of a sort that ran parenting shows 24 hours a day. One of the shows was a group discussion about fatherhood. About half the fathers in the group admitted to not having an insta-bond with their kids and they talked about how it's quite normal and that the bond will grow.

And for me, it grew just fine. And the bond was pretty much instant for our second child. Once I really knew what I was in for, it was a lot easier in a psychological sense.

So, if you don't feel that instant bond, don't worry about it. It'll happen. It's normal. There's nothing wrong with you.


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## danzig138 (Aug 16, 2007)

billd91 said:
			
		

> Don't let anyone guilt you if you don't form an instant bond with your baby.



Damn skippy. TV and movies lied to me all my life about that. When my first was born, I wasn't instantly connected. I haven't felt anything like that for any of the three of them. I love my kids now (13, 11, and 1.1), but it took a while with each of them. When they came out, I didn't know them, just like they didn't really know me. It's like any relationship - it takes time to develop as you get to know each other. 

If friends and co-workers offer you old baby clothes, take them. 

Don't drop the baby in the hospital - wait until you get home. 

Otherwise, listen to what people have to say on the matter, but remember, most people don't actually know what they're talking about, so you'll more often than not just have to find things that work for you. 

And I don't know what your home situation is, but the way we're set up, once the breastfeeding ends, be prepared for her to sleep through every sound the baby makes at night, trusting in you to get up and deal with things. I could probably go set my amp up next to her and play guitar while she sleeps (and I play hardcore punk) and I don't think it would wake her up.  

Congrats also.


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