# CHEESY D&D JOKE OF THE DAY



## Samloyal23 (Jan 18, 2015)

Here's something to make a berk giggle...

Two elves walk into a bar. The dwarf just laughs and walks under it...


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## Dog Moon (Jan 19, 2015)

Berk?

That sounds more like a Planescape joke.  Like "Two Elves walk into a bar.  The Dwarf disappears through a portal."


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## Dioltach (Jan 19, 2015)

If a dwarven fighter tries to move silently and there's no one around to make a listen check, does he still make a noise?


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## Samloyal23 (Jan 19, 2015)

Dioltach said:


> If a dwarven fighter tries to move silently and there's no one around to make a listen check, does he still make a noise?




Not if he rolls a natural 20...


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## Umbran (Jan 20, 2015)

Dog Moon said:


> Berk?




Small island, populated by dragon-riding vikings.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DreamWorks_Dragons


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## Janx (Jan 20, 2015)

Dog Moon said:


> Berk?
> 
> That sounds more like a Planescape joke.  Like "Two Elves walk into a bar.  The Dwarf disappears through a portal."




Berk is regional slang from england.  Planescape wasn't making up new words, they were borrowing.


Per this dictionary, it is NOT polite, or safe for work.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/berk


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## Samloyal23 (Jan 21, 2015)

I got the impression "berk" is roughly equivalent to "doofus"...


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## Morrus (Jan 21, 2015)

Berk was Cockney Rhyming Slang for something we can't say here.  However, it has lost that meaning in common use, and is, indeed, pretty mild now.  It's quite old-fashioned; my grandma might say it, but I wouldn't.


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## the noble bard (Jan 21, 2015)

Two elves walk into a bar. The dwarf had been there all day.


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## Rune (Jan 21, 2015)

Four adventurers faced a wicked foe. 

The paladin said, "I challenge thee to the field of honor, where I shall thrash thee soundly."

The bard said, "I shall compose a tale wherein your downfall will be told."

The cleric said, "I bring the wrath of Divinity that you may repent your wickedness."

The thief said nothing; he was already in position to backstab by now.


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## Hand of Evil (Jan 23, 2015)

What kind of bread do Halflings make sandwiches with?
Shortbread.


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## Rune (Jan 23, 2015)

What kind of bread do half-orcs make?

Inbred.


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## Dioltach (Jan 23, 2015)

What kind of bread do dwarves make?

Bread? Hah! Real dwarves chew rocks!


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## Rune (Jan 23, 2015)

How do you get a dwarf to stop drinking?






Seriously. I'd really like to know.


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## MarkB (Jan 23, 2015)

How many flumphs does it take to refill an oil lamp?






Just one, but you have to squeeze it out really thoroughly.


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## Rune (Jan 23, 2015)

What do you get when you cross a flumph with a party of murderhobos?




XP.


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## Hand of Evil (Jan 23, 2015)

Why did the wood elf go to the therapist?


Because he had a low "elf" esteem!


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## Hand of Evil (Jan 23, 2015)

What did the sea say to the elementist? 


Nothing! It just waved!


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## Hand of Evil (Jan 23, 2015)

Who is Seldarine favorite singer?  (Forgotten Realms Elf pantheon)


Elf-is Presley!


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## Rune (Jan 23, 2015)

What's the difference between a gray elf and a god?



One is better than you in every way and the other grants spells to clerics.


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## Dioltach (Jan 23, 2015)

How do you know there's a rogue in your fridge?
There are footprints in the butter.

How do you know there's a dwarf in your fridge?
All the beer is gone, and there are footprints in the butter.

How do you know there's a sorcerer in your fridge?
FIREBALL!


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## Rune (Jan 23, 2015)

How do you know if there's brown mold in your fridge?



It doesn't matter. By the time you've found out, it's already too late.


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## falcarrion (Jan 24, 2015)

How do you cook green slime....

From a distance


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## Zansy (Jan 25, 2015)

How do you convince your DM to wipe out your party?


You just have tarrasque 

Ho Ho I'm hilarious!


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## Hand of Evil (Jan 25, 2015)

Why are orc's nostrils so big?


Look at their fingers.


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## Rune (Jan 25, 2015)

How do you stop a mind flayer from eating your brain?


Nevermind. Too late.


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## Zansy (Jan 25, 2015)

I can't believe nobody did these yet:
Why did the Golem cross the road?
_To get to his master's side!_

Why did the goblin cross the road?
_To avoid becoming XP!_

Why did the rogue cross the road?
_To get on the others' good side._

Why did the drow cross the road?
_ who knows? dark elves can get very vindictive sometimes. _

Why did the barbarian cross the road?
_To rage on the other side!_

Why did the chicken-infested commoner cross the road?
_ Because there's a 50% chance there's a chicken on the other side!_


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## Rune (Jan 25, 2015)

Why did the skeleton cross the road and when did it happen? 

_It was the cleric's turn. _


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## Zansy (Jan 25, 2015)

A Paladin, a barbarian, and an abjurer, all fifth level, find a genie's lamp. They rub it, and a genie comes out, laughs and says "for freeing me I shall grant you each one wish".
The paladin wishes for the means to end all war, but before the Genie could grant the wish the abjurer counterspells with dispel magic.
The barbarian steps up, and wishes for a thousand goblins to punch to death, which the abjurer counterspells again.
When the barbarian asks what did he do that for, the abjurer curses and shouts _"I wish you two numbskulls could tell an efreet from a djinn when you see one!"_


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## Dioltach (Jan 25, 2015)

What do you call an illithid suffering from ennui? A Never-Mindflayer!


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## Zansy (Jan 25, 2015)

A druid, a fighter and a bard procured a ring of three wishes from their latest dungeon crawl. And after much arguing agreed they would use it to each get a magic item. The druid wished for a powerful staff, the fighter wished her greatsword to have stronger magic, and the bard whispered his wish to the ring and got a _sweet apparatus of the crab_. When everyone asked why he got such a lame magic item, he told them _"well I actually wanted to ascend as a god of poetic justice, but the DM said I get this thing because my wish was too lawful."_


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## Rune (Jan 25, 2015)

What's the perfect gift for an aboleth?


I ask out of curiosity, of course. Nothing to be suspicious of, here. I'm certainly not a brainwashed slave carrying out any part in a secret aboleth scheme. 

And, frankly, I resent the implication!


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## Zansy (Jan 25, 2015)

What does the halfling rogue wear on stealth missions?
_–Sneakers!_

What does the dwarf rogue wear on stealth missions?
_–Medium armor, because now he can!_

What does the monk wear on stealth missions?
_–monks don't DO stealth missions; they always come back empty-handed!_


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## Rune (Jan 25, 2015)

What does a barbarian wear on stealth missions?


Rogues' severed heads.


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## Zansy (Jan 26, 2015)

What does the Druid wear on stealth missions?
_—evergreens._


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## Rune (Jan 26, 2015)

What does an illusionist wear on stealth missions?


It doesn't matter.


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## Rune (Jan 26, 2015)

What does a paladin wear on stealth missions?


Full plate.


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## Dioltach (Jan 26, 2015)

A doctor is treating a patient and need to give him an innoculation. However, the needle doesn't penetrate his skin. The doctor tries a second time, and again the needle doesn't penetrate the patient's skin. The third time he tries, the needle snaps in two.

"Listen," the doctor says to his patient, "I don't know what it is, but I can't seem to give you your jab. Any idea why that is?"
"Ah yes," says the patient. "You'll need a bigger needle. I'm a 7th level barbarian."


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## Zansy (Jan 26, 2015)

What does the fighter wear on stealth missions?
_—Who cares when they have a big sharp weapon to convince enemies that they saw nothin'? _


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## Rune (Jan 26, 2015)

What does a ninja wear on a stealth mission?


Nobody knows.


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## Zansy (Jan 26, 2015)

A knight told a barmaid at an inn:_ "Excuse me, Barmaid? There's a dragonfly in my soup."_
She answered:_ "Talk to me if you start rolling Reflex."_


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