# Need help with insults!



## cdrcjsn (Jul 12, 2008)

I've placed an NPC that likes to thow insults (imp trapped in a magic circle) for my next game session that I'm running.  I need help coming up with a slew of game appropriate insults to throw at my PCs.

Something like, "you can't hit the broadside of a barn if it was prone and you had a warlord backing you up" or "you're mama's so ugly she turned the medusa to stone".

I expect I'll need about a few dozen of these to throw at the PCs. 

Halp!


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## Whimsical (Jul 12, 2008)

Determine what the points of pride are for each PC, and then ridicule them.

Find the points of weakness for each PC, and then humiliate them.

What's your PC roster? (race, class, level, distinctive features, personalities, etc.)


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## Andor (Jul 12, 2008)

_To a dragonborn_ - Your breath couldn't knock over a fly!

_To an Elf or Eldadrin_ - Yours could!

_To a Greatsword weilder_ - Way to compensate big guy! Did you know those runes on the side read 'Manhood substitute?'

- I've been trapped in this circle with nothing to do but stare at the walls for 500 years, and you guys _still_ bore me.

- Normally we offer huge enticements to get people to sell their souls. For you guys? I have a 500 year supply of Imp navel lint.


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## Nifft (Jul 12, 2008)

Shakespearian insult generators should be common on the web.

Here's one now.

Cheers, -- N


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## Snoweel (Jul 12, 2008)

My in-game insults are the same as real life insults.

Likewise, players talk colloquially in-character because in the game world that's what their characters are doing.

Medieval-speak drives me mad.

[/rant]


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## fba827 (Jul 12, 2008)

Does the imp know them, personally?  Or are these going to be insults based on what it can see and pure stereotypes of their race/gender/class ?

 * As a first liner, "Pee-U, what is that awful smell.....(pause as PCs round the corner or come closer in to view).... oh, adventurers, I should have realized you were coming ...."

 * After being threatened, "(loud obxnious yawn)"

  * In response to any insult or threat, "Yeah, big words for your small brain, I'm impressed... but do you want to try coming in here and showing me that you have what it takes?"

 * To an elf/eladrin male, "Hey pretty lady ... yeah, you with the (describe some distinctive clothing/armor/weapon carried by the elf), how about you come here and give Mytzlplik (or whatever the imp's name is) a kiss...."

  * To a dwarven man "Wow, I've seen a lot of dwarves in my day, but none of them have had as short a beard as you do .... "

  * To play with their minds without actually insulting them, "If you're looking for (the exit, some item, whatever), you'll find it by (doign some action -- pressing that rock, or walking that way, etc), or maybe it's (some other action) instead, or was it (some third action).... I don't know, it's been so long... one of those might let me out now that I think about it."

  * After any display of magic or skill, "(As if talking to a baby) Wow that must have taken a long time to learn, you're such a big boy! gold star for you"

  * After any display of magic or skill, "(sacrastic) Impressive (rolling eyes)"


Oh, wait, maybe you wanted _good_ insults, sorry, I am not good at that


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## simply not edible (Jul 12, 2008)

"You son of a motherless goat! You will die, like pigs!"


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## CastTiltowait (Jul 13, 2008)

My apologies for any offense at my insults, I'd never say sexist/racist (fantasy racism)/etc myself, but it's a frickin' EVIL imp

To a dragonborn- "What's that smell?  I thought your breathweapon was supposed to come out your mouth!"

or...
"Hey, look at that, that money I spent paying the hooker to >bleep< the iguana 20 years ago is providing entertainment value yet again!"

or...
"oooOOoo, it's so cute, a gecko with attitude"

or...
"Hunh, I guess a lizard's tail doesN'T grow back when a dog pulls it off"

or... (if your gamers are allergic to pokemon like me)
"Dragonborn, I choose YOU!"

To a dwarf- "Hey, who put the fake beard on the gnome?"/...on the midget elf?"/... who put the phoney beard and nose on the kobold?"

or...
If the dwarf's a male- "I thought the females were supposed to shave their beards... ah, who cares, come over honey, I want to see if you're as good a kisser as your mom!"

If the dwarf's a female- "Hey, look, it's a chubby halfling!  Oh, I'm sorry, that's right, you're just 'Big Boned'"

or...
"I still don't get why that orc likes dwarven hookers- yeah, you can shave the beard off of them, but getting rid of that smell would be more work than it's worth"

To a Eladrin- "Can you really teleport, or is it just you're so insignificant, that even the universe doesn't care where you go?"

or... (the rest work fine for both Eladrin or elf)
"I know you, Grok the orc says you're a real bargain at 3 gold a night!  If I give you a platinum, can I get you to include your dwarven friend over there?"

or...
"How much did your race have to pay the humans to make half-elves?"

or...
"Great, an eladrin/elf wizard!  Quick, make yourself useful, I need a reading light"

or...
"I heard that eladrin were created when a Balor got drunk and slept with a dryad.  Must have been a lie, even a Balor wouldn't make something as ugly as you."

or...
"Shut up, little girl/boy, the grown ups want to talk" and then address statements to the dwarf or human in the party.

To a half elf- "so, who was more drunk, your mom or your dad?  Oops, sorry, you probably never met them"

or...
"Hey, look, these adventurers have a mascot" (this also works for dwarves or halflings)

or...
"Look, it's a wannabe eladrin"

To a halfling- "I'm sorry, you have to be at least THIS tall in order for me to give a >bleep< what you say"

or...
(if there are any vaguely similar classed non-halfling PC's in the party) "Look, the human/whatever has a mini-me!"

or...
"What, you guys couldn't convince a dwarf to join your party so you thought you'd bring this?"

or...
"I remember your mom.  After I was done with her, she was a quarterling"

or...
"What, is it 'Bring Your Daughter Adventuring Day' today?" (addressed to one of the human/elves in the party)

or... (this can work for just about any adventurer, but halflings are likely to be more vulnerable to it)
After a long laughing fit "...hoo, hah... Thanks for showing up, I haven't had a good laugh like that in a long time, you halflings are always good for a laugh.  Quick, you walk in again, pretending that I'm supposed to take you seriously, it was priceless!"

To a human- (if the party is mostly non-human) "Hey look, they brought someone to carry stuff for them.  Can I borrow the human for a moment, I've got something stuck on my >bleep< and I'm too lazy to pick it out myself"

or...
"How long have I been stuck in here?  When'd the chimps learn to wear armor?"

or... (to a human spell caster)
"Look, an eladrin/tiefling dressed up their pet like a wizard/warlock, how cute"

To a tiefling- "come here and give Daddy a kiss!"

or... (while pointing at the tiefling)
"Ugh, THAT's why I never do human"

or...
"So, how's it feel to be a race of Losers?  To humans!?!" (starts to laugh) "You'd think with Infernal blood, you'd have no trouble keeping balding chimps with pointed sticks at bay, but what do you expect when a quasit loses a bet and has to do a goat"

or... (to a tiefling spell caster)
"Ahh, you remind me of my childhood.  Go ahead, show me one of your little tricks!"

To a fighter/paladin- (addressed to any spellcasters) "Is he supposed to be off his leash?"

or...
"Careful, Lunkhead, or you'll cut yourself again by grabbing that thing by the wrong end"

That's the first things that occur to me off the top of my head...


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## cdrcjsn (Jul 13, 2008)

Thanks for the list all.  It's a huge help.

The problem I'm having is that this is for a one-off game at a game store (the normal RPGA games we run weekly are on hiatus) where everyone is bringing in their own characters, so I can't exactly design insults with character histories in mind.

The race/class based insults are pure gold though.


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## Pbartender (Jul 13, 2008)

"Have you always been this [INSERT UNFLATTERING TRAIT...  eg. stupid, ugly, clumsy, fat, bald, etc...], or did you have to go to school for that?"

"Oh wow.  Look at that.  That's amazing.  You're my hero.  I want to be just like you when I grow up...  but not quite so [INSERT UNFLATTERING TRAIT...  as above]."

For example...

To a halfling: "Oh wow.  Look at that.  That's amazing.  You're my hero.  I want to be just like you when I grow up...  but not quite so *SHORT*!"

To a male elf or half-elf: "Have you always been this effeminate, or did you have to go to school for that?"


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## Isachar (Mar 1, 2010)

*need help insulting an eladrin!*

I play a drow wizard in my current campaign, one of the party members is an eladrin rogue, (both are female) we have a kind of insult competition going and I need help coming up with some things to put that sticky fingered fey reject in her place!
p.s. the player is also one of my best friends so lets try not to make things too nasty.


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## I'm A Banana (Mar 1, 2010)

> Need help with insults!




Are you some sort of idiot?

What nimrod can't even think of a decent insult? I honestly can't believe the stupidity on display here. Your parents are clearly failures who couldn't raise a cactus, let alone a functional human being.

Tossbag.



(Stick with the classics -- parentage, sexual parts, obvious differences, signs of weakness, whatever...Judging from ENWorld, you could probably tell one of 'em that they were too videogamey, and watch the sparks fly. )


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## LostSoul (Mar 2, 2010)

Snoweel said:


> My in-game insults are the same as real life insults.
> 
> Likewise, players talk colloquially in-character because in the game world that's what their characters are doing.
> 
> ...




Verily, Snoweel doth speak the truth.


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## Dandu (Mar 2, 2010)

He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
 What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
 The greatest undeveloped territory in the world lies under your hat.
  There is nothing wrong with you that a miracle could not cure.
 You are one of those people who would be vastly improved by death.
  I would like to take you seriously, but doing so would be an affront to your intelligence.
 Sometimes, when I look into your eyes, I get the feeling that someone else is driving.
 You are a modest man with much to be modest about.
  When I stand next to you, I can hear the ocean.
  I'll pray a thousand prayers for thy death, for thou art unfit for any place but hell.
 Are your parents siblings?
 As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
 Did you eat paint chips as a child?
 Never tell everything you know. It may take too short a time.
 I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
 What's the weather like up your own ass?
  I think you're an intelliegent person, but what's my opinion against thousands of others?
 The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
 Your villiage called. They want their idiot back.
 Your mental abilities go toe to toe with those of a footstool.
  You have obviously inherit some good instincts from your forebears, but by diligent hard work, you must have overcome them.
 So, how do you manage to cope with reality?
 Do you know what the difference is between you and a fat braying ass? The fat braying ass would.
 The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn't he?
 Your brain is like the four headed, man-eating haddock fish beast of Aberdeen. In that it doesn't exist.
 They do say that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are of course wrong, as you will soon discover...when I stick this toasting fork in your head.
  You wouldn't recognize a good idea if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsicord singing 'good ideas are here again'.
 "I don't take kindly to insults" "Funny, with a face like yours, I'd have thought you'd be used to it by now."
 You have the intellectual capacity of a dirty potato.
  Oh come on, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this.
 It's the most pointless thing since 'How to Speak Elvish' was translated into Elvish.
 Yes, I think he is a genius, if the definition of genius is a brain addled, pompus ass with sweaty jowls.  I have met cleverer people at the annual meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots.
 My opinion of you is rather hard to express in words.
 You are as good at disguising yourself as a hydra with sunglasses trying to sneak in to a beholder only strip club.
You should become a limbo dancer. Everything goes over your head.
  If I die, think only this of me; I will be back to get you.
  We are in the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick insect got stuck on a stick.
 Your record in this area of expertise is about as good as that of Stumpy McNolegs' record in the Market Marathon!
  Your head is as empty as a eunich's underpants.
 This is a matter of supreme indifference to me.
 A chat with you, and somehow death loses it's sting.
  If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I'd have bought one at the market.
 He has the intellect of a glibbering mouther and the manners of a latrine.
 I was more impressed with the contents of my hankerchief the last time I blew my nose.
  Unfortunately, they have not instituted the requirement 'must have the intellectual capacity of a boiled potato'.
  The parts of you that can't be mentioned wouldn't be worth mentioning if they could be.
 Die monster! You don't belong in this world!
  Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.
 I'll never be the man your mother is.
 If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.
 It looks light your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork.
 Do you have to leave so soon? I was just about to poison the tea.
 We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.
  Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
 Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?
 Folk clap their hands when they see you... over their eyes.
 You've got the perfect weapon against muggers - yer face.
 Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?
 Were you born stupid, or did you work hard at it?
 Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
 Know this. There is a hell, and when you are there, I shall visit such dark horrors upon you as are unspeakable in this mortal realm.


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## TarionzCousin (Mar 2, 2010)

Kamikaze Midget said:


> Are you some sort of idiot?
> 
> What nimrod can't even think of a decent insult? I honestly can't believe the stupidity on display here. Your parents are clearly failures who couldn't raise a cactus, let alone a functional human being.
> 
> Tossbag.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Mar 2, 2010)

"Well, well, well...if it isn't Sir Rusty Codpiece!"

"That's not a sword..._*shiiiiiiiinnnngggg*_...*THAT'S* a sword!"

_*sniff* *sniff* *sniff*_ "Is someone's loincloth on fire?  Oh, I didn't see you standing there!"

"I've tossed 3-copper whores with more class and style than you...and they  probably had fewer fleas!"

"Your skill at oratory is only outmatched by the poems of an overfed Otyugh's."

"Uh-oh- someone call the Watch- the Baron's moat monster is loose again."

"With a nose like that, you must be a gnome."

"You know, even for an elf, you're...you're...ehhh..._*tsk*_ What is the opposite of "heroic" again?"

"Ah, my dwarven acquaintance- as dependable and useful as a paper hammer.


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## Aran Thule (Mar 4, 2010)

Dandu, most of your insults there remind me of Blackadder, a master of cynical wit and sarcasm.

oh and to the dwarf...
Ive seen goats with more impressive beards


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## Pbartender (Mar 4, 2010)

Aran Thule said:


> Ive seen goats with more impressive beards




"My Great Aunt Tilly has more whiskers on her chin than you do."


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## Dannyalcatraz (Mar 5, 2010)

Call a dwarf "Cue-ball" and see what you get.

Heck..."Bald-Faced Liar" might even start a blood-feud!


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## Pyrosa Shadowalker (Sep 2, 2010)

*OMG...*shakes head*.......*

OMG......you must ALL be guys! Here's one for you sad sad souls:

Guy says "That's not all we could enjoy." and elf/Half-elf/Human replys, "Please, I wouldn't let you share a stall in my barn let alone share my bed."


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## rgard (Sep 2, 2010)

Can't believe nobody added ferocious French taunts yet:

I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. 

You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts. 

You don't frighten us with your silly knees-bent running around advancing behavior! 

No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.


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## Umbran (Sep 2, 2010)

Kamikaze Midget said:


> Are you some sort of idiot?
> 
> What nimrod can't even think of a decent insult? I honestly can't believe the stupidity on display here. Your parents are clearly failures who couldn't raise a cactus, let alone a functional human being.
> 
> Tossbag.




Not that the OP will have time, but this reminds me of the book I just finished today - _Fool_, by Christopher Moore.  If you don't mind having your insults be of the foul-mouthed variety, it gives you loads of material.


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## rgard (Sep 2, 2010)

I was on the prime material plane 6 months before I figured out 'Stupid Human' was two words.

Ahhh...the prime material plane, where men are men and sheep are nervous.


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## Greatwyrm (Sep 2, 2010)

All of your talent and an empty box is worth exactly one empty box.

Every time you do something stupid, an imp gets its wings.  The young ones barely have time to learn to walk.

If your plans were any more lame, they'd be carried out on a stretcher.


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## Someone (Sep 2, 2010)

Sorry if some of these appeared before. I didn't read all the thread thoroughly.

"Dude, you have a lot of hair in you ass. Oh wait, that's your _face_!"

"I mean, when you were born your mom was fined for littering"

"If an used mop had an affair with Bigfoot, and their illegitimate child was raised with the Yomatomo tribe -who pratice ritual facial scarring- he'd call _you_ ugly"

"Asmodeus rebelled becaused his god told him to kiss you."

"Seriously, the mirrors in your home cry blood."

"Do the test. When you find a genie wish him to make you beautiful. He'll fall, assume fetal position and start shaking."


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## Dannyalcatraz (Sep 2, 2010)

Pyrosa Shadowalker said:


> OMG......you must ALL be guys!




Would be a perfect insult for a gathering of dwarven families...especially after a deep, theatrical, wincing sniff.


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## Pyrosa Shadowalker (Sep 5, 2010)

*Here's some 4 ya.*

(To dwarf) Oh my god! I just realized after five months of travling with you that your not a hairless gnome!

My god, your face would kill tha gods themselves!

(To a dwarf) I've seen hairyer elves.

My great great grandfather's corpse had more appeal than you do!

(To elf) I've seen dwarves with more magical ability than you!

(To drow) May the light shine upon you.
*****
And so males, do enjoy.
(I have a little bit of a drow personality, If offended, suck it up)


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