# Funniest thing a players character ever did?



## Ogrehatescomputers (Aug 29, 2010)

I've got a lot of them but I always laugh about our parties rogue and the deck of many things. Wanting to avoid the danger our wizard warned us of, we all said one or two. then drew the one or two and saw what happened. Most of us faired well. Little harm came. Then up steps our hafling friend and pronouces to the world. SEVENTEEN! 

He was missed.


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## roushguy (Aug 29, 2010)

Well.... there's always the time my second level Knight called out a Bugbear Chieftain with fighter levels and challenged him to single combat. Had a prepared action to interrupt his charge by disarming him. He runs up, loses his battle axe, punches me, misses by two, I think, before I pick up his axe and chase him down the stairs. I trip over the bodies of the dozen or so hobgoblin fodder, and end up unconscious at the foot of the stairs. He picks up his axe and beheads me. I was devastated. With laughter.


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## radmod (Aug 31, 2010)

I'm not sure if it's supposed to be funniest or dumbest!

I had one guy tell the players that if you jumped off the top of the cathedral you would gain the ability to fly. He did so (knowing about extreme weather conditions there) rolled really, really well, and FLEW! Two others jumped to their deaths.

Same guy and I'm playing with him. The world was based on the Black Company series. Our 'world' was small (diameter of 60 miles) and surrounded by a black circle which everyone knew for a fact that if you crossed it you died (ZAP!) Well, we decided to be the first and only ones to successfully cross the line. We came up with clever ideas, drew straws to see who would go first and proceeded to test them out. Eight characters disintegrated later, and he and I are the only ones left. He looks at me, looks at the pile of 'stuff' they left behind and says "Whadda you say we call it a day?" I heartily agreed.


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## HoboGod (Aug 31, 2010)

radmod said:


> I'm not sure if it's supposed to be funniest or dumbest!




With the epic stupidity players tend to eventually show time and time again, is there really a difference?

I can't even pick one there's been so many times. The most recent uproar came when my players used a major artifact which, when shattered, casts true resurrection on every corpse within 120 ft. Half the party died in battle against a black dragon, so after killing the dragon, they shattered the artifact to revive them... but it revived the dragon's corpse as well....


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## King Nate (Aug 31, 2010)

I converted Tallow’s Deep adventure from an old Dungeon magazine to the 4e rules. There was a part in the dungeon where our brave fighter began walking through some water. When I let him know that something bumped his leg he quickly jumped to a ledge and readied his daily attack power for anything that stuck it’s head out of the water. Anyone who is familiar with the adventure will know that the only thing in the water are albino cave fish. Our poor fighter gets picked on every time now for a laugh. “Be careful! There might be an albino cave fish in there!”


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## iamtheend (Aug 31, 2010)

In the campaign I'm playing now a friend of mine was forced to play a spell caster which he had never done before (nor have I) so we tired as hard as we could to figure out funny things to do especially together.

We are invading a small army of Golbinoids and make our way into their kings base which is inside a cave. We finally slay a bunch of Bugbears and enter the kings throne room. For whatever reason the DM had a spike pit in the middle of us and the "Goblin King". We had heard the king was very tough but once we saw that pit my friend and I immediately looked each other in the eye and I just nodded to him.

Well my friend uses command and the king just starts booking it towards us falling into the spike pit and completely wrecks himself. The DM was very unhappy but eventually laughed along with us.


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## heymejack (Aug 31, 2010)

purposely entered a grapple with a gelatinous cube to save an npc kobald who was dead before i got them out, and then dying before i could escape.

having a very good plan, tactically, but for no reason at all deciding to overrun the goblin, failed, and got mobbed by half the tribe.

half-ogre barbarian with a charisma of 6, after being told that the troops are in good spirits because the battle is a long way off, announcing 'you guys are gonna do great tomorrow'.


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## Grand Poobah (Aug 31, 2010)

Our party was being chased by a horde of Drow down a dungeon corridor. I'm at the back about a round behind after I threw some caltrops to slow them down. The DM was giving us a few seconds each to decide what to do. My jaw hits the floor when, in a panic, our wizard casts wall of stone directly behind her. My last stand was quite heroic but ultimately futile.


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## Fallenibilis (Sep 1, 2010)

me and my freind, who plays a paladin who weilds two bastard swords, burst through a door to reveal the boss who happend to be a mind flayer and as the mindflayer stood and began to monolouge my freind suddenly yelled out i throw my sword at him he rolled and missed, so the dm decided to continue on with the monolouge he got three words out before the paladin decide to throw his second sword which crit and knocked out the mindflayer.


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## Ogrehatescomputers (Sep 2, 2010)

LOL. I love them all. Once in attempt to save a comrade my half orc barbarian activated his boots of levitation. the other fighter in our group who was taken was being carried up several floors in an "elelvator" like device. So with my mighty 8 intelligence i decided to begin wailing away at the floor the device until i could free my friend. The floor collapsed. I killed all the enemy. and missed catching my friend who i was there to rescue. 

in all fairness he did live. 

kinda.

...he was missed.


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## mascheko (Sep 3, 2010)

Three things come to my mind

1.) We were sneaking through a pretty dark dungeon with dwarfs in front and came to a closed door. So we decided to move back a bit and let the rogue pick the lock alone. The rogue picked it, opened it silently! and slipped into the door (silently again!). Since he was a halfling, the DM informed him, that he couldn't see a . With a big grin the player informed the DM, that he is going to use his magic flashlight. He found the three mobs in the room with the flashlight... For some odd reason, the DM let him get away with this 

2.) After a failed sneaking attempt, we found ourselves in the situation of having a ranged fight with four bandits, who were hiding behind the balustrades of little castle ruin. They had us under fire for some time and actually the only thing we could do was to retreat. 
But our brave fighter saw his time coming and told the DM that he will rush through the opening of a collapsed wall into the courtyard and will try to shoot down the bandits from inside (where they have no cover). I remember the face of our DM:"So you really rush into the courtyard"? He did. Four bandits turned around for a shot and took him under fire, 10 minutes later he rerolled a new character.

3.) Same guy, we played the RoleMaster system these days, fumbled on a ranged attack with his bow. In RoleMaster you then roll on the fumble table where he rolled a smooth "100" (end of table). The good point: The arrow flew. The bad point: His ear dropped on his shoulder, cut by the sinew


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## holygeek04 (Sep 4, 2010)

Dwarf and half-elf are loot hores.  They are stealing a vast mount of barrels of mead from a burning building.  The roof caves in and the half-elf gets out.  The dwarf is trapped and when found yells at the other players to save the mead he is still holding onto not him.  Then bitches for party out for dumping water allover him.

Same Dwarf busts into the Purple Dragon Knights leader's room because he wants his free mead and no one will give it to him.  He finally gets the mead and enters a drinking contest.  Kills one person by making them drink too much, then breaks into a guard tower.  Yells at the half-elf from before to watch what he can do.  Jumps out the top and lands on his feet laughing the whole time.

The half-elf attempts to steal a ruby.  When failing a flame trap goes off.  He gets away but the Dwarf loses all his hair.  Spends 30 min chasing the half-elf in a circle before a command spell is cast.  Then attempts to kill the caster when he comes back.

Almost right after losing his hair.  We are fighting the boss of our campaign who is a half-ogre.  After 5 rounds the boss has hit everyone but the Dwarf.  So the Dwarf taunts the half-ogre about how he can't hit him.  Next attack the Dwarf looses his hand.  The rest of the fight the Dwarf only attacked the hand.

The Dwarf now has to explain to everyone why he has no hair, is missing a hard, and why no one in the party will drink with him.  (To drink with the Dwarf means you will die next battle).

The Dwarf also burned down a huge building to defeat the mobs, and has chopped one down to get it to land on mobs.


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## Ogrehatescomputers (Sep 5, 2010)

one of my first characters was a half orc barbarian. We were fighting a small sized beholder. it retreated down a circle shaped shaft in the floor that went on for some time and dissapears into the darkenss. he took one of our characters down the hole with him. so i held my greataxe like a shovel (like when you jump on it to make it go into the ground) and promptly jumped into the hole axe blades first to land on the tyrant. but they fly faster than i fell. stone ground is hard. 

once our parties ranger=fighter was trying to gather infromation on a lead minion of the local bady. i cant remember the minions name so we will say bob. he goes into the bar and begins talking to a guy at the bar without ever asking his name. he then proceeds to tell the guy we a band of heroes here to end the reign of the main villian and blah blah blah and we are looking for the evil man names bob. the guy says he thinks someone in the inn may now and excuses himself. the bartender then informs the player that man who just left was bob. we NEVER let him forget. ...EVER.

another time with my barbarian we were in a dungeon and there was a steep slope made of smoothed stone. a couple of the characters one way or another eneded up going down or being thrown down the slope. So i kill a guy who is using a tower shield lay it down of the ground sit my half orc butt on it and kick off with my axe. Everyone laughed. but my barb was the only one who made it down unscathed.


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## roushguy (Sep 5, 2010)

Alright. The party had gotten split up by a trap, and the half-orc Throkk and my brother's character (rogue, I think... he'd just been introduced to D&D and had no real clue what he was) were alone when everything went black. The darkmantle above them missed Throkk, hit my brother, and dropped him to negatives. Throkk fights the darkmantle blind, gets to 0.  Then remembers he has rage (A VERY common ocurrance... Throkk was funny like that), rages, kills the darkmantle, and patches up my brother's char by wrapping him IN THE DARKMANTLE'S SKIN. Before drinking a potion a local cleric had made him... Special DM call to say it was Cure MINOR wounds... (non-magical cureall, lol)  then his rage drops and he collapses at 0 HP.

Another time: Throkk and my third or fourth character (most of them die so quickly I don't recall so well) were the halforcs in the group. The orcish leader of a keep pointed at me, yelled KILL HIM, and pointed at Throkk. I walked past his bodyguards on my way to Throkk, said NEVER!!.... and criticalled for maximum greatsword carnage. I dropped the guy to a knee. Throkk looks over, rages, charges, and ALSO crits. He's now on BOTH knees, then my brother walks up and tells the GM "I stab him in the NECK." Then claims it was his kill all along. Later on, my brother tries to lasso a fleeing bone devil, misses, and falls two stories. I wrap a rope around myself, toss it to Throkk, say, "Hold this!" as I jumped to save him from approaching zombies. Throkk tells GM, "I'm not holding the rope." I die. Once, my brother punched my nongood wizard (only info they had was detect good) because he "knew I was evil." Throkk punched me for lethal and klled me. *sigh* Ah, the good 'ol days.


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## FEADIN (Sep 6, 2010)

A friend of mine playing a CN cleric with feather falling ring jumped in a shaft telling to another party member he disliked (really and the player too) that it was safe, his detect magic said it was a feather falling shaft....around 200' deep....

Fun and great: we where all dead and squashed by a human slaying giant ranger in this 12-14 th level scenario for ADD2, I had missed the killing blow with my fire breath potion and he was 7hp left, only the cleric at 1hp coming back from the dead was hidden in the rope trick.
The giant detect the magic zone, cast a dispel and here is the cleric (ODIN worshiper): "WHO WERE YOU" says the big bad creature before dealing the last killing blow, the old cleric looks at him with his piercing blues eyes and throws toward him his gnarled wooden staff, smiling and not surprised the giant catch the stick and falls dead slayed by the might of the artifact given by ODIN.


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## akbearfoot (Sep 8, 2010)

Rogue in our party sat on a throne and tried to 'use magic device'.  It was described by the DM to be made of black bones and radiating powerful evil.  Hrmmmmmm.


A different character in a  different game decided to go toe-to-toe with a Wight we encountered.  The same encounter included an ooze that came out from a nearby pool of water.  The character got level drained to death.  The next round someone detonated a bead of force on them which trapped the wight, ooze, and characters body in the force bubble. The character revived as a wight himself since he was level drained to death, then proceeded to be melted by the ooze that was sloshing around inside the force bubble.


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## roushguy (Sep 8, 2010)

My DM told me a story about a wizard character who wanted to identify a magic dagger, so he took the shiny pearl out of the loot to go cast identify. He waits until all the PCs are asleep, smashes it for the spell, and *KABLAM* turned out to be a bead of force.


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## Ogrehatescomputers (Sep 9, 2010)

my dm once told my about a druid that enjoyed using a pipe as character trait. when in a town he purchased some "exoctic" tabaco that required a drop of his blood as part of the purchase. later he smoked it while the party was on a break. turns out it was a highly addictive possibly debilatating smoke that makes you a "junky" instantly. well. he and his animal companion both were effected. and made junkies. so he begins "needing" the stuff. as does his falcon. so the guy he bought it from wont give him anymore and is being unreasonable with the prices. so the druid waits till night time at the local tavern where the seller is. summons a bear his companion and changes himself into a bear. then crashes through the window of the tavern and starts a fight for the "stuff" i have this mental image of the falcon, wings spread wide talons foward schreeching loudly at full speed towards a glorified drug dealer, all whilst crashing through the window. good times.


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## FEADIN (Sep 9, 2010)

Do you know the 6th character that was carrying 6 oil flasks (DD2) and was shot by a javelin of lightning....
And the ranger badly wounded testing a potion, open it a bit: "you hear a pshiiit and see some fire under the stopper", "ok, I open it...."I was the DM on this one.


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## rgard (Sep 10, 2010)

One of the better ones was when the PC jumped on the back of the remorhaz after being told that it was glowing hot.  He failed his save.


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## WalrusThief (Sep 10, 2010)

One of my players, a level 3 sorcerer, was cornered by a level 10 evil cleric. The cleric was wielding a +2 unholy longsword and the sorcerer was wielding a crossbow bolt. The cleric, laughing at his stupidity, attempted to disarm him. I facepalmed when he failed. I facepalmed even harder when the sorcerer got a free disarm attempt and rolled a natural 20 with his bolt. I nearly died laughing when the cleric rolled a natural 1.

One of my players found an old 2nd ed item called the Slippers of Drinking. When touched, they force you to pour any one potion or vial of liquid you are carrying into a slipper and drink it. The only vials the character was carrying were Alchemist's Fire.

A rogue in my party got caught in the steel box trap in the Tomb of Horrors (the one with the 3 levers), managed to disable the only escape route, and sprung the trap portion. She fell 100 feet, managing to survive it with Feather Fall, only to get eaten alive by the Tomb Motes at the bottom.

A monk was fighting a gang of halflings and (as I was using a crit chart instead of extra damage) they managed to disable every one of his limbs before coup de gracing him as his party members laughed hysterically.


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## anest1s (Sep 10, 2010)

WalrusThief said:


> One of my players, a level 3 sorcerer, was cornered by a level 10 evil cleric. The cleric was wielding a +2 unholy longsword and the sorcerer was wielding a crossbow bolt. The cleric, laughing at his stupidity, attempted to disarm him. I facepalmed when he failed. I facepalmed even harder when the sorcerer got a free disarm attempt and rolled a natural 20 with his bolt. I nearly died laughing when the cleric rolled a natural 1.
> 
> One of my players found an old 2nd ed item called the Slippers of Drinking. When touched, they force you to pour any one potion or vial of liquid you are carrying into a slipper and drink it. The only vials the character was carrying were Alchemist's Fire.
> 
> ...




Hmm I mean no offense, but these aren't things your PCs did, they are things that happened to them...and not funny I think


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## roushguy (Sep 11, 2010)

Was playing a dragonkin with a whopping 34 STR at 1st level, was captured by a gang of goblins intending to sell me into slavery in an illithid mine. They used a series of ropes and pulleys to put a 2000 pound rock on top of wooden posts to form a cage. I checked my STR load, picked UP the rock, and smashed the goblin ringleaders, then used my move action as a DM-approved free intimidate check. (something like a 25, I think) The ENTIRE goblin army ran for the hills, including the illithid dealer who'd come for me. His ogre magi bodyguard stuck around... until I picked up the slab and smashed HIM, lol.


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## LordMonty (Sep 11, 2010)

roushguy said:


> Was playing a dragonkin with a whopping 34 STR at 1st level, was captured by a gang of goblins intending to sell me into slavery in an illithid mine. They used a series of ropes and pulleys to put a 2000 pound rock on top of wooden posts to form a cage. I checked my STR load, picked UP the rock, and smashed the goblin ringleaders, then used my move action as a DM-approved free intimidate check. (something like a 25, I think) The ENTIRE goblin army ran for the hills, including the illithid dealer who'd come for me. His ogre magi bodyguard stuck around... until I picked up the slab and smashed HIM, lol.




Um like anest1s said above this falls into some other catorgary this being pwnage or something, as thats not really all that funny. And Strength 34? at first level? (+what racial mod) and against mostly goblins?


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## Summer-Knight925 (Sep 14, 2010)

Our party was attacked by 2 fire giants and 2 eldritch giants(one riding a triceratops one riding a mastodon....yes our DM hates us) and (using the Paizo crit hit deck) blinded one fire giant permanently and one eldritch giant until healed. The our warmage crit'ed with a spell.....ever shoot an eldritch giant to the elemental plane of fire with a lesser orb of fire spell? needless to say our DM hates us even more, which isnt good, we are getting ready to run "Crypt of the devil lich" tournament style...we are all going to die (and then some!)


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## roushguy (Sep 14, 2010)

No, no... the funny is that the goblins decided to put the gigantic, dragon-looking creature under a rock... not the char itself. He was a dragonkin, I forget the +str bonus... but yes... 34 str. Another funny moment. My elven bard saw a lone skeleton crossing the field (we were under siege) and I decided to take it on solo. I ran up, stabbed it for, like 4 damage, and then the tentacle inside it bitchsmacked me across the field and killed me. Turns out it was a mohrg. Oops.


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## tgstk7 (Sep 18, 2010)

I have a couple, mostly one-liners that had everybody laughing hard enough to stop the game for a few minutes.

First one, DM's girlfriend, in-character to a cleric of pelor:
"Just because your flaming-ball-of-god..." We never heard what the rest of that was going to be. I don't remember exactly what came before in the conversation either. Some conflict between wanting to do good and neutral character wanting to not die.

Same campaign, downtime, most of the party has something to do. Me (the other cleric, venerating ideals, not a god) and the rogue decide to head to the brothels. Afterwards we're discussing this (nothing graphic) in character. He tells me his had a french maids outfit. My character's response: "Wish I'd thought of that. Mine was just naked." Don't know why exactly but no one could stop laughing at that one. 

Funny thing happened in a game of the old version of Star Wars. Short version, we all got drunk and were staying in a rented room (hotel). Someone was unable to find the bathroom in their inebriated state and used one of the empty liquor bottles. The next day someone else found this, was disgusted and poured it out the window without first checking to make sure it was clear. It wasn't. There was a Stormtrooper patrol going by. "Yellow stormtroopers." (snicker snicker) Anyway, they arrested the wrong person.  A PC that belonged to a player no longer in the game. No one spoke up, but we did witness his flogging.


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## Ogrehatescomputers (Sep 19, 2010)

Due to how brutal my very first DM was (and is) I learned from power gamers. If your character was not "broken" he did not survive. So my first year of ever playing. All I knew was the Brutal world of his powergame. Great Dm. Great story. But your character had to be pretty tuff to live. And we always used and 32 point buy system rather than rolling up a character. 

I say that to say this. The very first time I ever played with anyone else (who was no a power gamer and used very moderate and "normal" villains) I did not know. I had no idea at the time that I was always powergaming. So our DM, she goes, Roll for stats. I was shocked and expected it to be a very harsh game if we had to roll. I rolled beyond well. nothing below a 14. So I made a wizard. with an 18 con and 18 int. and 14 15 16 17 in everything else. great roles. We were 10th level. It was a massacre. everybattle we went into I slaughtered everything. She had allowed me to spell comp. magic item comp. and so on and so forth. I bought every hidious and over powerd thing I could find. I spent all but a few measly coppers of my gold. I had so many extra spells and wands and staffs etc... I killed every "boss" she made. I slaughtered every fiend or foe in our path. And was very quickly asked to build a less powerful wizard.  

I went from gaming with a group where if you built a ranger. You stoped being one at fouth lvl and took fighter. then you took Order of the bow init. To palying with people who thought that monks were broken and were not allowed in the game. I felt really bad about it for a long time. But now I just laugh. Here she was expecting the stereo typed older frail wizard and instead mine had a 14 st 18 con. walked around like a beast and could use martial weapons. So sorry. lol


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## Dandu (Sep 19, 2010)

> I went from gaming with a group where if you built a ranger. You stoped  being one at fouth lvl and took fighter. then you took Order of the bow  init.




What was the 3.0 version like? The 3.5 version was pretty crappy iirc.


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## Jeffrie (Sep 19, 2010)

My son is nine years old and we play 3.5 together. We usually play with older teenagers and young twentysomethings. 

He often does things like; when his halforc fighter fell in the river, and while underwater decided to spear a fish with his sword.

It's always a riot to play with him.


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## green slime (Sep 20, 2010)

Underground, the Party in pursuit of a drow war party numbering hundreds. Mission calls for extreme subterfuge, and roguish skills. Enters a humunguous cave, numerous echoes all around. Elvish darkvision not good enough to see across the width of the cavernous emptiness.

"hmmmm.... I whip out my everburning torch and fly up to the ceiling".

*Surprised look on face* "Where did all these poisoned arrows sticking into me come from?" 

Spent that battle paralysed near the ceiling.

Later admitted it might not be such a good idea to bounce around the ceiling like a giant glow worm in a dark cavern; light is seen from a greater distance than the area it illuminates.


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## krupintupple (Sep 20, 2010)

i'd probably have to say the time a friend, who recently back from semi-serious dental work that required what was apparently massive amounts of local anesthetic, showed up unexpectedly and decided he'd take a very active role in a frankenstein v. villager type negotiation. his girlfriend drove him over because he insisted that he play.  anyhow, insofar as the negotiations, nobody realized that the lead "villager" speaking out against the monster was actually a cultist-plant, hoping to incite the villagers into lynching the monster. the monster, although rough-looking, was actually neutral and just wanted to leave. i think it was a half-dragon hagspawn, but i'm not sure.

nonetheless, these are my fondest memories, as the DM running the encounter:

1) said character forcibly imposes himself as the grand arbiter of the negotiations, telling the party's charisma 20 diplomancer-bard to step down. bard steps aside and informs me he'll ready an action to jump in as soon as it seems needed. surprisingly, it wasn't.

2) said character uses a "tree token" to make a massive oak tree, so he can stand on it and impress the locals.

3) said character loudly tells allies that the tree token is to impress the stupid locals into taking their side. when i told him he probably shouldn't announce that in front of everyone, locals included, he said he didn't care because trees are awesome and "...nobody effs with warlocks!"

4) said character explains that he's going to scream that the lead villager (actually the secret bad guy) is a "super horse molester". we laugh and he proceeds to roll a perfect 20. the sputtering cultist tries to counter-argue and point out the foolishness of the warlock, and of course rolls a natural 1. even with modifications, he beats the bad guy's opposed DC by like 16 points.

5) warlock announces that every time the other guy speaks, he's just going to scream "super horse molestor!" over his arguments. he then proceeds to roll a series of DCs that, i kid you not, never go below 17, while the bad guy can't seem to ever get above a 9.

6) after a short time, the crowd now is no longer concerned with the monster, who is standing there bewildered. said warlock continues with one of the most surreal debates of all time. crowd is now concerned for the safety of their horses and begins to turn on a very confused hidden cultist.

7) at the end of the debate, which saw the monster free to go and the secret bad guy imprisoned for "horse endangerment and molestery", warlock steps down from tree, and falls 40 feet, taking like 15 damage in full view of everyone. he tells me he gets up, bows and dusts off and tells the locals to enjoy their new tree. he also later explained that the locals - who he viciously insulted at almost every turn - were probably so impressed that he didn't die, that they should make him the mayor.

it was hands down the silliest two hours that we played. for reference, it was a little like this, except with a 23 year old playing a warlock: [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs"]YouTube - David After Dentist[/ame]


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## Ogrehatescomputers (Sep 20, 2010)

DANDU,

The 3.0 Ranger is God-awful. Horrible. Terrible. A shame to a good character concept. The joke for the 3.0 Ranger was that you took him for 2 lvls and stopped. He got NOTHING after 2nd level. just a crappy list of spells and a usless list of favored enimies. which (imho) is still not a worthy bonus. 3.5 MUCH BETTER. Not great. But better. The problems with the rangers are "goneish" the spell compendium gives him a lot better spells. the PHB is pretty bad with his spell list. I love rangers and am partial to them, so am never satified with what they get. lol.


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