# I need good dwarf jokes!



## Smoke and Mirrors (Mar 17, 2003)

I am currently playing in a campaign with a dirty, beer swilling, and gruff dwarven barbarian. I play an elf, and in turn I must make his life miserable. He is already working on getting elven jokes and I need some good or even horrible dwarven jokes to put him back in his place!


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## Stahn Li (Mar 17, 2003)

You call that a beard! My elvish grandmother has a bigger beard than that!


Dwarf personels 

Fat, smelly, male dwarf with beard seeks female dwarf of same description


You breathe so loudly I could have shot you in the dark!



I'll try to think of more..


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## Smoke and Mirrors (Mar 17, 2003)

Thanks, man! Keep em' coming!


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## hammymchamham (Mar 17, 2003)

their was a good thread about a dwarf bard who had back jokes. Perhaps a community supporter can do a search and find it for us?  It would be great to re-read that thread


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## Stahn Li (Mar 17, 2003)

Which one are you again: Happy, sneazy, sleepy, grumpy, basheful, or Doc    (who is the seventh dwarf anyway)

How many Dwarfs does it take to kill a dragon: Dwarfs can't kill a dragon, they need a hobbit to do it for them.

When you get really excited do you get taller?


Stand up when you speak to me...oh you are standing.


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## MythandLore (Mar 17, 2003)

"How many Dwarves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten.  One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders."

"How do dwarves greet each other?
Small world, isn't it?"

"Why did the Dwarf put his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log!"

"Where do you find dwarves?
Depends where you left them!"

"What is a female dwarf called?
A Warf."

"Isn't Alf a half-dwarf?"

"What's the diffrence bettween a dwarf and a lamb?
Dwarves give me indigestion"

"What's the diffrence bettween a dwarf and a fairy?
Telling a fairy he's an dwarf is and insult."

"Whats the diffrence between a dwarf and a chicken?
Feathers"

"How are dwarves and babys alike?
They both small like poo"


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## krunchyfrogg (Mar 17, 2003)

http://delving.com/humrmain.html

Good stuff!


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## krunchyfrogg (Mar 17, 2003)

nm


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## Smoke and Mirrors (Mar 17, 2003)

These are great! I can't wait til' next sunday.  Anymore?


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## Maerdwyn (Mar 17, 2003)

Said casually while commenting on some brother v. brother  or daughter vs. father feud, intra-tribal war, etc.  
"Yes, it is truly sad. Family conflicts are always the most bitter.  That's why our dwarven friend here hates goblins so much..."

Before the session, ask DM to hand you a fake note sometime during the game.  Read it, and regard the dwarf player with a look of pure horror:  "Green Slime! [or your ooze of choice]"  Allow party to react for a few seconds, then look again and say "Sorry everyone... my mistake.  It's just a bit shocking to realize exactly how rare it is that a dwarf and a bath have the pleasure of becoming acquainted."

"Dwarf! We need you to open this door. ...  No, no, no.  Put the axe away.  Good.  Now, then. [*mime reaching down to remove his helmet*].  Okay, everyone, we've got our battering ram!"  

After a battle in which the dwarf has performed particularly well: "Yes, centuries from now, I'll be able to bring your grandchildren to this spot, and tell them of your triumph here today. 'Kids,' I'll say, 'Do you see how all of these skeletons have broken kneecaps.  You grandpa did that."


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## ArcOfCorinth (Mar 18, 2003)

Refer to him as the "bearded gnome."


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## DM with a vengence (Mar 18, 2003)

"What's up?  Not you!"

"Damn, I appear to have run out of throwing daggers, someone pass me that dwarf."

"I don't quite see the _point_ of ale.  Isn't it just wine from stuff that could've been planted for grapes."

"Even the smallest sapling can reduce rock to gravel, what's so special about you?"

"Axe, meet fireball."

"You know they say that people who carry around big weapons are compensating for something..."

"That hair is matted enough to provide an additional +1 to Armor Class."


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## Tolen Mar (Mar 18, 2003)

(Tolen wipes some dust off this one...)

"We dont have to outrun the monster, We only have to outrun the dwarf!"


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## madriel (Mar 18, 2003)

hammymchamham said:
			
		

> *their was a good thread about a dwarf bard who had back jokes. Perhaps a community supporter can do a search and find it for us?  It would be great to re-read that thread *




That was for Piratecat's story hour.  Can't remember which page it's on though.


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## GMVictory (Mar 18, 2003)

More name calling

Stuntie (not original, I know)

Gopher

Mole

Gravelbrain

Dirt Farmer

Rock Polisher

Chip

Pebble

Crackhead

Rubble


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## Emirikol (May 15, 2015)

I saw my dwarf neighbor outside the carriage house the other day. 
"Jump in," I said.  "I'll give you a lift home."
"[Screw] off," he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful bastard," I thought as I buttoned up my backpack and continued my walk.


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## Hand of Evil (May 16, 2015)

Ever wonder why dwarves have such big nostrils, just look at their fingers.


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