# My wife won't let me play D&D.



## Joshua Randall

Greetings. I'm facing a situation that I don't know how to handle. Maybe y'all can help me.

I have a beautiful wife whom I love very much. We've been married a short time and have had some disagreements, but they've all been worked out. Except one. She hates it when I play D&D!

Here are some relevant facts:

We are both 30 years old.
I always think she will be more open minded about D&D, because she has some gamer blood in her. She likes playing  board games (e.g., Settlers of Catan, Tigris & Eufrates) and card games (e.g., pinochle, Oh Hell).
However, she associates D&D with abject geekiness.
The friends I would be playing with are all in their 30s with jobs, wives, and (for some) families. In other words these are not the stereotypical uber-dorks who work at the comic store and still live in their parents' basement.

My wife's specific objection is that playing D&D takes too much time, time that I could be spending with her or "doing something useful." She gets practically enraged about the fact that the other guys want to play on the weekend. (I _might_ be able to talk her into letting me play on a weekday, but that's irrelevant because the other guys can't do it then.)

What should I do?

Please do not say "get a divorce" or "grow some you-know-whats". Those are not helpful replies. And I'm not going to appreciate anything along the lines of "your wife's a witch", either. (She may be, but she's *my* witch, dammit!    )

Here are some things I've thought of doing:

Playing up the friendships at stake. In other words, these are my friends and I want to spend time with them. Playing D&D is how we pass our time together - it's a very social game.
Inviting her to observe a session. Haven't done this because (1) we are a bit rambunctious when we play (swear a lot, for example) and therefor (2) I am afraid of what her reaction would be to observing us.
Patiently explaining what D&D is like by comparing it to things she appreciates. For example, emphasizing the problem-solving aspects of D&D which compare to similar features in board games that she likes.

Frankly I don't think any of the above is going to help.

Have any of you faced a similar problem with your wife or husband? What did you do?


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## Tiefling

Your wife has a stereotype in mind. The best way to destroy a stereotype is to confront the person or thing that it describes. Have her meet some of your friends and sit in on a game.


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## Arcane Runes Press

Talk to her.  Say something along the lines of "honey, you knew I gamed before you married me.  It is an integral part of my life.  Asking me to give this up is like asking me to give up an old friend."  Harsh but true.  I also recommend getting her interested in the game itself.  Tell her about what happened and what cool things your character did.  She may want to play too someday.  This is a chick talking here.  Honesty goes a long way for me.

JenniferY(whose first gaming session introduced her to her husband)


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## Crothian

This sounds like a time issue.  Ways to help this out might be like spending more time with your wife during the week.  Are there other things that keep you to apart besides work?  If there are many things keeping you apart she just might be putting her foot down on this one activity.

Also, you mentioned doing things useful.  I've explained it to girlfriends who didn't understand that is my guys day out.  Some guys get together with their frioends to drink, go to bars or strip jionts, watch sports, or other activities.  I get together with my friends and game.  So, compared to other activities I could be doing gaming is one of the better ones.  

Now, to the Geek part.  I'm not sure how this can be handled.  So, if I put my foot in my mouth here, I apologize.  Does she think you are a geek?  Does she not like your friends?  Perhaps she is insecure about the relationship and things gaming will change you into someine else.  That is just a wild stab in the dark by the way.  

The best advice is always to sit down ant talk with her.  Communication has always been the best solution in my experience.  Perhaps, while you game you can suggest activities for her to do.  THat way you aren't out having fun while she's stuck at home.  Good luck with this.


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## SemperJase

First the good news is that your wife values your time together. 

One solution is to invite her into the game. It worked for me. I have even more fun now that my wife is involved. 

If she does not want to play, schedule the game when she is doing some other activity.


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## thundershot

Damn. My wife (then girlfriend) used to sit and watch and listen to us game back in the day... Then when we got married, and got a place of our own, she wanted to play too. That was great! I'm just lucky, I guess... She knew what she was getting into when she married me (just like the thousands of comic books I have).

If she won't try to play, then perhaps you need to just explain that you need "Me" time. One day, maybe 5 hours on a Saturday to do your thing. She's invited of course, but if she doesn't want to, have her turn that into "Her" time. Now if you're taking up an entire weekend, then I can understand her concern, but if it's just a few hours to game, I don't see what the big deal is.


Chris


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## KnowTheToe

There is no easy solution for this.  I love games, particularly war games and RPGs.  My wife likes cards (BTW, Oh Hell is my favorite) and board games, but won't play D&D or war games.  The problem is, both RPGs and war games take up a lot of time.  Unfortunately, I believe these games are more fun when you can play regularly and the only solution that will work out for you is playing less often.

I have been married 6 years and have had periods where friends and games have gotten in the way of my relationship with my wife.  I had to scale back.

We like so many couples both work 40 hour work weeks and only see each other at night, when we are often tired.  While we cherish that time together, it is not always quality time.  The weekends is when we get real quality time together and if I scheduled a weekly game night on Friday or Saturday, boy, there would be trouble.  The same goes for her, if she scheduled a weekly outing with friends on a weekend, I would be pissed to say the least.

If you can only meet with your friends on the weekends, you should really not play more than 1 or 2 times a month.  I play Sunday nights, which works great for us, most people don't have much scheduled that night.


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## Knightcrawler

Sit her down and talk to her.  Emphasize the friends thing.  Hell its just like a bunch of guys getting together to watch a game.  Of course the question needs to be asked: how long is your gaming session.  If it takes up a majority of the day might want to think of cutting it down a little.

She must have things that she likes to do without you.  She should find something that she can do while you game.

Sigh.  This is one of the reasons I'm not in a hurried to get married.  I spend far to much of my time on gaming stuff.


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## ForceUser

Yikes. I feel for you.

Before a friend of mine got engaged, he made it very clear to his future wife that gaming was a big part of his life and that she would have to accept it as part of being with him. If I ever find that special someone, I intend to do the same. 

After the fact, it's a lot tougher. 

Ok. She hates it when you game. Ask her this: would you mind if I spent a Sunday afternoon once a month watching football with my friends? If she says no, then your followup question would be "What if, instead of football, I chose to spend that time with them gaming? Sweetie (<---- Important!), how is that any different?"

The thing about spouses is that they don't always seem reasonable in their demands on you. I know; I was married once. Often, there is an underlying issue that presents itself as something else. In your case, from my armchair quarterback position, I would say her real issue is that she feels you don't spend enough time with her; thus, your gaming makes her angry. Ask yourself - are you spending enough quality time with your wife? Dinner and TV on a weeknight don't count, either. You need to show effort that you are engaging in events specifically designed to spend quality time with her - Friday nights dancing at the club, theatre outings (plays, not movies!), picnics, whatever. You'd know better than us.

To be honest, every spouse handles these issues differently. You know your wife, we don't. Whatever compromise you find is going to be based on that knowledge. All we are doing here is guessing on your behalf. Good luck, buddy.


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## Arravis

Personally... I'd invite her to a game. There are previous posts on this very issue, if anyone has a link to them, posting them would be great.

DM a game just for her "intro", keep the rules VERY light and as invisible as possible. Ask what she basicly wants to play (avoid spellcasters at this early stage) and create a datasheet for her. If during the game she forgets to account for AC, Saves, etc, properly, don't worry about it... keep it simple. Don't throw out alot of esoteric rules and issues that deals with mechanics, emphasize character and plot. 

In the end, she might not like it, but she'll better understand it. It's a sort of guy's "poker night" if nothing else.

Anyway... most important of all is to make sure that you are spending alot of time with your wife outside of gaming. Do things together with her, get involved in her hobies. Be at least as enthused about being with her  as you are about gaming. As my brother likes to say say; you have to "punch your ticket" on this situation. You have to accumulate X number of Significant Other points before you can go play .

I've seen this situation before and that tends to be the issue at hand... is that the SO feels that she's not getting enough attention/affection, etc... Not always though, as with anything, there are exceptions. I hope I don't come across as being critical, I don't know your exact situaton, my opinion is based on situations I've seen myself.


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## Geoffrey

I'm 32 and have been married for two and a half years. If worse comes to worse, I'd game regardless.


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## S'mon

SemperJase said:
			
		

> *First the good news is that your wife values your time together.
> 
> One solution is to invite her into the game. It worked for me. I have even more fun now that my wife is involved.
> 
> If she does not want to play, schedule the game when she is doing some other activity. *




Yeah, let her at least meet your friends at the game, even if she doesn't want to play (don't force her).  Let her sit in on a game.  You might like to suggest to your mates that they cut down on the swearing, just this once, if it's going to give a bad impression.  I'm lucky, my players are extremely civilised, I'm much more likely to swear than any of them - of course it's my house...


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## Andorax

First, you mentioned that your friends have wives.  Do they game?  Do they tolerate their hubbies gaming?  And does your wife get along with these other wives?

One possable solution would be for the wives to have a "ladies night out" while you guys are gaming, assuming that the other wives aren't part of the group and get along well enough with one another.


Another, which actually worked quite well with warming MY wife to the idea of 3rd edition, is to run a solo campaign.  You DM.  She runs a lone PC.  Introduce it to her in a "safe" environment, no competition, no arguments, plenty of opportunity to learn the mechanics and how the whole thing works without worrying about other "geeky" friends around and so forth.  

Results may vary.  Then again, I met my wife when she was brought to my gaming group as a girlfriend of one of the other players.


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## SemperJase

KnowTheToe said:
			
		

> *If you can only meet with your friends on the weekends, you should really not play more than 1 or 2 times a month.  I play Sunday nights, which works great for us, most people don't have much scheduled that night. *




This is a great point. If you are gaming weekly, that is probably taking too much time. I can understand her not wanting to schedule every weekend around your gaming.


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## Maraxle

Playing on the weekend is your mistake.  Make it a week night.  Make it a maximum of 3-4 hours, and she should be happy.  That's what seems to work for me and my players.  You should be spending time with her on the weekend, anyway.


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## Skaros

DocMoriartty said:
			
		

> *
> 
> Is she your wife or your mother.
> 
> My wife knows better than to think she can order me around, just like I know better than to think I can order her around.
> 
> Either this is a troll or someone who needs to grow a backbone and fast. *




If I didn't see you posting so often on these boards, I'd think you were trolling yourself.

From the very small amount of insight we have into this guy's life, the best decision could in fact be to not game at all (as far as we know, anyway).

Wives, who love their husbands, really don't usually ask for things like this unless they see very good reason for it....or a good underlying problem behind her reasoning.

My best advise is to have a conversation about the issues where you take turns trying to understand each other's points of view.

Conflict resolution is one of the most important keys to successful marriage.  In fact, studies show that it tends to be the single most decisive factor in staying together through the years.

A good technique to try is to have one of you start by expressing how he/she feels about the issue, while the other one simply listens and interrupts only to summarize what he/she is saying...to insure understanding.

Then switch roles so that both of you understand fully where the other is coming from.

Usually the issues, as others have suggested here, go beyond a dislike of the thing that, on the surface, you are arguing about.  Perhaps, as someone suggested, the underlying issue is that she doesn't feel enough time is being devoted to more critical issues throughout the week, and is pointing to the adition of a game night as something that will definitely worsen the problem.

Anyway, First step is to talk about it and understand each other's point of view.  Second step, after good understanding is reached, is to brainstorm solutions.

To get rid of any aditional stereotypes, as has been suggested, having her watch a game or be around during one may help a lot.

Good luck!

-Skaros


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## JacktheRabbit

Orders from one spouse to another is not how a decent marriage works. It reminds me more of love sick highschool girlfriends who had  fits if they did not spend 24-7 with you, even when most of the time you spent the time doing nothing.

Gaming is not the problem here. His gaming issue with his wife (assuming this is not a troll) is merely a consequence of other problems in his marriage. The largest one being the very wrong tone being taken here.




			
				Skaros said:
			
		

> *
> 
> From the very small amount of insight we have into this guy's life, the best decision could in fact be to not game at all (as far as we know, anyway). *


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## KnowTheToe

You could change your gaming group.

I am also 30 and have had to recently change my gaming group.   I did not want to, I have known most of them since I was a small kid, but  most of my gaming friends either had babies or moved.  

Instead of giving up gaming, I found a new group on-line (thru this site).  I really enjoy the new game and met a bunch of nice people to boot.  

I see my other friends more sparatically due to schedules, usually at parties or to go for motorcycle rides, life moves on and sometimes you needs to adapt.


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## reveal

While I cannot really give any advice as to how to get your wife to change your mind, I can give you some examples of the relationship I have with my wife and observations I have made of other peoples relationships.

A few years ago, a coworker of mine complained about his wife.  His complaint was about movies they rented.  He was not the type of person who could sit on the couch and watch a movie for two hours.  He would get bored and go off to do something.  His wife would get mad at him because this was "their time together."  They had been married for about a year at that point.

When my wife and I first got married, about 6.5 years ago now, we were in the exact same situation.  But instead of complaining, I talked to her.  I communicated my feelings and she communicated hers.  I told her that the movie was just not that interesting and I wanted to do something else with absolutely nothing against her.  She told me that it had nothing to do with the movie, but rather just the simple fact we were spending time together.  So, when I left, I was, in essence, "leaving her" for a time.

I have always said that it doesn't matter how you mean something, if someone takes something you say or do a certain way than that is what you must deal with.  So I told her it had nothing to do with her and that I just did not enjoy the movie enough to sit down.  After talking a while about it, we agreed that I meant nothing by it and, considering we spent every other available minute together, me not sitting through a movie with her was not the end of our relationship. 

After this diatribe, your probably wondering "So what the heck's your point?"

Here it is:  It's all about communication.  We talked to each other, found out how the other felt and worked out a resolution.  Today, my wife and I have one of the strongest relationships of anyone we know.  We respect each other tremendously and realize a little "me time" for one of us is not the end of the world.  Especially now that we have a 7 month old.  It really helps to know you can slip away for a few minutes to take a breather while the other person watches your child.


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## StalkingBlue

JE, I feel for you.  It's very painful when you don't know how to find a healthy compromise between me-time and us-time with your spouse.  
There's been some good advice here already.  

Inviting your wife to a game is one.  Ask her whether she's like to sit in and listen first, or play a (guest?) character.  If she wants to play, have an introductory one-on-one session with her.


Considering cutting down on gaming time is another.  

I run a game on Saturday nights because it's the only day of the week on which all of us can make it.  

Two of my players have a non-gaming husband/girlfriend, respectively.  Of the other four players, two are a couple.  Much as we love the game, none of us would want to sacrifice every Saturday night for gaming.  

This means that we play only once a month.  It's a compromise, and it gives everybody a chance to game - and to also spend quality time elsewhere with their spouse/SO, friends, cats or what have you.  



And in yet another aside, no one in their right mind would infer a lack of backbone from your post.  Quite the contrary.   But you know that, of course.


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## Xeriar

JERandall said:
			
		

> My wife's specific objection is that playing D&D takes too much time, time that I could be spending with her or "doing something useful." She gets practically enraged about the fact that the other guys want to play on the weekend. (I _might_ be able to talk her into letting me play on a weekday, but that's irrelevant because the other guys can't do it then.)




As opposed to other guys who do 'guy' things on Sundays, such as watching football, drinking, and strip clubs, to name a few.

Or even typical movie nights take about the same amount of time.  At least with RPGs you aren't letting both your mind and body vegitate.



> [*]Playing up the friendships at stake. In other words, these are my friends and I want to spend time with them. Playing D&D is how we pass our time together - it's a very social game.




This works best when they're -her- friends too.  Relationships are just plain better that way, IMO (assuming you have a good group of friends, of course).



> [*]Inviting her to observe a session. Haven't done this because (1) we are a bit rambunctious when we play (swear a lot, for example) and therefor (2) I am afraid of what her reaction would be to observing us.




Sometimes this is the only way to go.  Best done sometime after the above.



> [*]Patiently explaining what D&D is like by comparing it to things she appreciates. For example, emphasizing the problem-solving aspects of D&D which compare to similar features in board games that she likes.




Explaining D&D comes out dorky unless you get witty, and getting witty is probably not what you want to do here (well, too witty, anyway).
[/QUOTE]


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## Dremen

I have had the very exact thing happen to me. Just to give you some background I recently left a church and was very depressed. Gaming was the only ecscape I had. We had a new baby. I played weekly from about 6 to 11-12ish on fridaynights. My wife stayed home.

Here is what I did wrong:
1. I used gaming as a crutch. I sould of leaned on her.
2. I would read gaming books whenever I had spare time as I don't like watching tv. So when I was home I was not mentaly with her.
3. I would have an argument every week with her which shot the weekend. I needed to game, but I couldn't get her to understand.
4. She thought I was a Jock untill we got married. I'm very active but she never saw the amount of time I read, she felt kinda like she didn't know me. It is hard to REALLY get to know somebody till you live together. She knew I gamed and even went a couple of times.


After getting through what I had to mentaly things got better.  We learned to talk this and other things out. We are still married 3 kids now and very happy.

I only game every other week. I don't run a game anymore. I make sure I spend time with her. If she really wants to do something once and awhile on game night will spend the time with her. She respects this and does not take advantage. The biggest issue was time. I only gamed 1 a week for 5-6 hours but I was involved at home with the game too much. She felt I did not pay attention to her enough.

My advice:
1) Talk and try to her find out what the real issue is. It looks like a quality time issue.
2) Limit the game to once every other week. My wife does not like going to bed without me so I make sure I am home by 1am. 
3) Sometimes come home early 10-11ish and bring flowers, wine, favorite candy, favorite movie etc. Show her you appreciate the time she lets you have. 
4) Don't force her to game, go to the game, socialize with the other wives. My wife is shy and very attractive. After having 3 kids she wears a size 0. Many women are standoffish towards her, so it is hard for her to make female friends. But encourage her to explore her own interests.

If I game every other week and don't spend all my spare time in a book then the issue is moot. But attention I found is the key. Women like to be paid attention to. I think they need it a bit more than us guys. But there are rewards. You married her and you love her, so use this a a clue to devote more attention to her. Beyond gaming this will help the relationship. You may also want to get counceling as a PREVTION of future problems. You would feel very bad if your gaming caused you a divorce. counceling is not just for problems but it can help you avoid problems. In my observations many people do not devote the time mentaly and physicaly to their relationships, as they do their jobs or hobbies. They leave the most important aspect to chance. We all need to WORK on our relationships. As all gamers know sometimes you roll lots of 1's! So add some skill bonuses to your relationships. You can always "take 10" or "take 20" at this!

-d


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## Zaruthustran

I can sympathize. I lived with a woman for 5 years, and she made the exact same demands. So I caved in and didn't game. This caused me to resent her, and her to not respect me (I had no backbone, after all). The relationship ended after I realized I'd lost my self-respect, my favorite hobby, and all my friends. 

I then met a beautiful woman who loves and respects me, and who I love and respect. She is a complete non-gamer. As in, she doesn't even play Monopoly or cards. I am a gamer; she knows it, I game 2-3 nights a week, and we're madly in love and happily married. 

But I'm not saying you should divorce your wife. This relationship can be salvaged. I say relationship because the problem isn't that your wife won't let you game, the problem is that your wife doesn't respect you.

If she respected you then your free time would be your own, obviously. Instead, she has picked one of your favorite hobbies and has forbidden you from playing. Why? Why is she telling you what you can and cannot do in your spare time? Why is she making such hurtful, ridiculous demands?

You need to figure this out. Are you ignoring her? Are you a bad husband? Do you belittle her hobbies and interests? Often, I've noticed that a boyfriend will knowingly or unknowlingly restrict his girlfriend's/wife's freedom ("don't wear that", "I don't want to go out tonight/any night", "don't buy that", "give me the remote control", "I don't want to see that movie--let's see this movie", etc). The woman responds by directly or indirectly restricting her man's freedom--a fair reaction. So take a good look at your own behavior. 

Regardless, don't let her tell you what to do. You're a free human being. Your leisure time is your own. If the game is Sunday, and you truly have Sunday free (you don't have kids, must-do chores, or some other responsiblity) then go and play for crissakes.  In response to a complaint or nag say "Look. Are you seriously trying to dictate what I can and cannot do in my free time?" If she loves and respects you, she'll realize how riduculous her demands are, and "allow" you to go and play with your pals.

But follow up that zinger above with "C'mon--what's this really all about?" She's got issues, and if you love and respect her you'll do your best to figure them out.

-z


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## Buttercup

Well JERandall, I don't have a solution for you, since I don't know you or your wife.  But I might have some points for you to think about, which might help you find your own solution.

First you need to figure out what, exactly, is pissing her off about your gaming hobby.  It might be the time you spend away from her, or it might be the money you spend on it, or it might be that she doesn't like your gaming friends.  Or, it is possible that it's merely a control issue.  No matter which of these it is, you can solve the problem if you talk honestly with each other.  That's really the secret to any successful marriage anyway, so you might as well get into the habit, eh?   So let's look at all of these problems in order, and you can think about which one you really think it might be.

*Gaming takes too much of your time.*
Now, it's possible that your wife is correct, and you're spending too much time away from her.  But it's also possible that her expectations are unreasonable.  Being together 24/7 isn't really good for a marriage in the long run.  You each need to have your own interests.  The poster who suggested asking her if she would object to you spending all Sunday afternoon watching football, and then ask her how gaming was different was on to something. (Hint.  Compare it to something you know she won't object to, instead of something like going to a strip joint, ok?)  The other possibility is that you will have to switch your gaming time.  If that means you have to find a new group, so be it.  

*Gaming costs too much money*
Heh.  If you're DMing, this one really may be true.  If it is, sit down together and decide on a monthly gaming budget.  Decide what it will include, such as books, software, pdf files, food for the game sessions, etc.  Then stick to this budget. 

*She doesn't like your gaming friends.*
If this is the case, you need to figure out why.  Do they smell?  Are they rude?  Do they trash your house when they come over?  Are they disgusting or annoying in some other way?  Be honest.  We women have low tolerance for boorish behavior, and if she feels she's expected to be nice to your orc-like friends when they come over to play a game she has no interest in, well, no wonder she's angry.  If your friends are losers, that might also explain her belief that gaming is 'abjectly geeky'.

*It's a control issue.*
This is the worst one, because it's going to be the hardest to fix.  Many women (not all) marry someone thinking that they can "fix" them later.  It is possible that your wife feels this way, and what's more, it is possible that she is trying to see how far she can push you.  It's a common problem, actually.  Only you can decide if this is behind your wife's attitude.  If it is, the two of you really need to go to marriage counselling, _soon_, because it isn't about gaming, and it won't end here, even if you give your hobby up.

I also agree that your wife may be feeling insecure in the relationship somehow.  Make sure you tell her you love her, whisper sweet nothings, compliment her looks, her cooking, whatever.  We women really need to hear, over and over, that we are loved, and why.  We never get tired of it.  Have you started taking her for granted?  If you have, then take her out to a nice dinner, or go dancing, or to a movie.  Whatever you both enjoy.  Give her flowers, for no reason at all.  And for heaven's sake don't forget her birthday or your anniversary.  Make a big deal of it.  Perhaps if you are really focused on her during the time you spend together, she will not resent the time you spend apart. 

Oh, and if you want to get her into role playing, you might consider doing some privately...if you know what I mean.


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## Zaruthustran

Dremen said:
			
		

> *My advice:
> 1) Talk and try to her find out what the real issue is. It looks like a quality time issue.
> 2) Limit the game to once every other week. My wife does not like going to bed without me so I make sure I am home by 1am.
> 3) Sometimes come home early 10-11ish and bring flowers, wine, favorite candy, favorite movie etc. Show her you appreciate the time she lets you have.
> 4) Don't force her to game, go to the game, socialize with the other wives. My wife is shy and very attractive. After having 3 kids she wears a size 0. Many women are standoffish towards her, so it is hard for her to make female friends. But encourage her to explore her own interests.
> 
> If I game every other week and don't spend all my spare time in a book then the issue is moot. But attention I found is the key. Women like to be paid attention to. I think they need it a bit more than us guys.
> As all gamers know sometimes you roll lots of 1's! So add some skill bonuses to your relationships. You can always "take 10" or "take 20" at this!
> 
> -d *




That's good advice, especially 1 and 4. Well said Dremen.


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## Terra_Ferax_Mark

*A follow up on Andorax's idea.*

Andorax's suggestion of a solo campaign is a good idea for warming your wife to D&D (I introduced my wife to Dungeon Hack and then to multiplayer Diablo, both worked nicely).
But the joy of gaming is the interaction with other people.

Find another couple who (at least one) enjoys gaming (preferably both). It's even better if your wife is friends with the couple. Stress this is something you are doing together as couples.

If you have time, write a short encounter, say 4-6 obstacles. Give it a plot that your wife might enjoy (such as reuniting a ghost with her husband in death, or a murder mystery). Make it short so that it does not take a lot of time.

If you don't have time, find a pregenerated adventure. Pick 4-6 encounters you think work well from it and ignore the rest of the adventure. You'll probably need to redraw the map.

Invite the couple over and have characters already made.  Chuck out game balance, you're trying to show off what roleplaying can be, not provide balance (by that I mean, give out nice rewards for defeating a monster and if somebody's about to die, apply a -10 situation modifier to hit). You DM, and try to make the experience fun for everyone. If someone is holding back, be forward and ask him/her, "what do you think you should do here"-- even if the logical thing is to roll initiative and pound the monsters into hamburger.


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## hellbender

I wish you luck on this. My girlfriend was a Director of Religious Education for several years at a Catholic facility (and she is originally from madrid, and was raised in a strict Catholic atmoshpere) and heard all of the diatribe about roleplaying, making her very skeptical. It doesn't help that a three of the four players in my game fit the geekoid stereotype (stereotypes exist because there are, in most cases [not all] people who fit the mould) (I work with the YWCA in my area closely with a group that fights racism and prejudice, stereotypes and racism are not the same thing, but can be construed as such).

   All of that said, my girlfriend came around. She isn't hip to a lot of the books, but sees it as harmless when not taken to extremes. She plays Deadlands actually, but isn't into anything else. If I can drag her to play, I hope you can get your wife to see how innocuous a few hours a weekend of DnD can be.

Best of luck!
hellbender


----------



## Terra_Ferax_Mark

*A follow up on Andorax's idea.*

Andorax's suggestion of a solo campaign is a good idea for warming your wife to D&D (I introduced my wife to Dungeon Hack and then to multiplayer Diablo, both worked nicely).

But the joy of gaming is the interaction with other people.

Find another couple who (at least one) enjoys gaming (preferably both). It's even better if your wife is friends with the couple. Stress this is something you are doing together as couples.

If you have time, write a short encounter, say 4-6 obstacles. Give it a plot that your wife might enjoy (such as reuniting a ghost with her husband in death, or a murder mystery). Make it short so that it does not take a lot of time.

If you don't have time, find a pregenerated adventure. Pick 4-6 encounters you think work well from it and ignore the rest of the adventure. You'll probably need to redraw the map.

Invite the couple over and have characters already made.  Chuck out game balance, you're trying to show off what roleplaying can be, not provide balance (by that I mean, give out nice rewards for defeating a monster  and if somebody's about to die, apply a -10 situation modifier [edit: to the monsters] to hit  ). You DM, and try to make the experience fun for everyone. If someone is holding back, be forward and ask him/her, "what do you think you should do here"-- even if the logical thing is to roll initiative and pound the monsters into hamburger.

Allow for conversation that isn't game related. Make the adventure a true social experience. If you can, work in some other activies (dinner, another type of game). 

Make the experience fun, and repeat a few times, working towards a normal gaming session. Gradually introduce your old gaming buddies into your social experiment. Have them invite spouses/girlfriends.


----------



## DrSkull

I want to second these suggestions:

1) Every other week:  I've found most spouses prefer this over every week and many will appreciate it.

2) Sunday night:  works great for us, noboby seems to go anywhere or do anything Sunday night anyway.  Set the VCR so you won't miss the Simpsons and you're set.  We usually play 4:00 to 10:00 Sundays, and everyone and their wives seems to like it a lot.


My wife and kids don't have any problem with our set up (my mother, on the other hand, doesn't like that some of the guys have long hair)


----------



## Skaros

DocMoriartty said:
			
		

> *Orders from one spouse to another is not how a decent marriage works. It reminds me more of love sick highschool girlfriends who had  fits if they did not spend 24-7 with you, even when most of the time you spent the time doing nothing.
> 
> Gaming is not the problem here. His gaming issue with his wife (assuming this is not a troll) is merely a consequence of other problems in his marriage. The largest one being the very wrong tone being taken here.
> *




Of course it isnt how a decent marriage works.  I guess I just challenge the assumption that he really is taking orders from his wife, as you put it.

I figured "My wife won't let me play D&D" means she has a big problem with the time his friends are interested in playing D&D with him at, which certainly isn't unreasonable in many cases we can think of.

[edited to be less argumenative]

-Skaros


----------



## Tom Cashel

Skaros said:
			
		

> *
> I figured "My wife won't let me play D&D" means she has a big problem with the time his friends are interested in playing D&D with him at, which certainly isn't unreasonable in many cases we can think of.
> *




That is also how I took it.  But if you are correct, Maddman, then there are truly other issues that need to be worked out.



> _Originally posted by Maddman75_
> *
> You cannot come out ahead by giving into demands that you think are unreasonable just because you want to make her happy. It doesn't work. Stand up to her, but don't be an ass about it. Remember that this is supposed to be a partnership.
> *




Also good advice!


----------



## Joshua Randall

*It's not a troll.*

First, I'd like to say that my post is not a troll. In retrospect I should've chosen a less controversial topic than _My wife won't let me play D&D_. I apologize to those of you who believe I was just trying to stir up trouble; that wasn't my intention.

Second, I would like to thank all of you for your many and thoughtful replies, far more than I can individually comment on. I've gotten lots of good advice and numerous good ideas - well beyond what I expected. This is truly a community that's a cut above.

I have to do some soul searching and communicating to find out what's at the root of this issue. Both my wife and I can do a better job of understanding each other's point of view. (I'm a bit sad we didn't figure this out before getting married, but hopeful that it's not to late to turn things around.) I think that once we strengthen our marriage each of us will be more willing to allow the other to be independent, in whatever way that's expressed.

Once again, thanks for taking the time to reply. I do appreciate it.


----------



## Tom Cashel

It's _not_ too late, and it's worth the time.

Good luck, JE.


----------



## Zaruthustran

Yeah. Good luck, JE. Just the fact that you care enough to ask this group of geeks (us) for advice shows that you value your marriage enought to work at a solution. You'll work it out.

Good luck, and be sure to post here and let us know how it all turns out.
-z


----------



## lastelias

There have been some very good posts earlier in the thread.  I won't get into the "Communication is important in marriage" since many others have described it admirably well above.  I thought I might offer some things that have worked for me.  

I ran into a similar problem recently.  Once I got over my own ego and we talked, I realized she was angry that I wasn't spending much time with her and that she was right.  My hobbies got more attention from me than she did.  My being on the computer while she watches TV is not considered "spending time together" (much to my newlywed surprise).  So we set aside time.  Some things that we do now (in addition to the usual together activities like lying in bed or chatting over dinner):

1) Her Time - 7:30 to 8 is her time every night.  Anything we are doing at 7:30 stops, and the phone does not get answered for the next 1/2 hour.  We do whatever she wants.  Most nights we play cards for the 1/2 hour,  but the cards are usually just a pretense for us to be "together".  (It is compeletly irrelevant that I always lose )

2) Date Night - My D&D sessions are every Saturday from 1-6.  After 6, we have date night.  We make Saturday night special, and we make it important.

3) Friday Night Dinner - We are not always eating together during the week, but Friday is different.  On Friday we eat at the table with soft music playing and we talk.  It is always a good time.

I guess the point is that we set aside time every day to be together not doing any other activity.  We make that time special so that we feel special to each other.  She feels special and more important than any hobby I may have.


----------



## Meds

This is a tough issue and I certainly don't know all the answers.  Brave of you to post so honestly here, JE and also Dremen.  I think I would just echo Buttercup's advice: talk honestly with her and try to determine the root issue.


			
				JERandall said:
			
		

> *....Here are some things I've thought of doing:
> 
> Playing up the friendships at stake. In other words, these are my friends and I want to spend time with them. Playing D&D is how we pass our time together - it's a very social game.
> *



If the root issue is time or insecurity, then this one might be risky.  I.e. if she subconsciously sees this issue as "it's either them or me who gets your (attention/time)" then telling her how important your friends are to you is counter-productive, imho.


			
				JERandall said:
			
		

> *
> 
> Inviting her to observe a session. Haven't done this because (1) we are a bit rambunctious when we play (swear a lot, for example) and therefor (2) I am afraid of what her reaction would be to observing us.
> *



As others have suggested, a quick, fun solo D&D session might be appropriate.  Another possibility along these lines that I don't think has been suggested yet: host a low-key non-D&D games night.  She gets to play games she already likes, meets a gamer or two in a social setting, and meets a gamer-spouse or two.


----------



## Angelsboi

on what Zaruthustran said:

I have a boyfriend i see every night when he gets home.  We have dinner, we watch TV, hell, we even have a dcent sex life.  We also go dancing and clubbing every other Saturday.

Is he a gaymer?  Nope.  Is he pagan?  Nope.

Why am i with him?

Because he allows me to run my games on saturday mornings (when hes at work) and play Sunday afternoons.  It gives him relax time by himself.

Our relationship is just fine.  He knows that im a gaming geek and STILL wants to be with me.  

It sounds like you have a big issue here man.  Did she know about your gaming habits BEFORE you guys got married?


----------



## Vhane

Vhane's Maxim of Matrimony:

Many years ago I learned a rather insidious technique for dealing with this very issue... my experience had taught me that once this problem comes up she will never change her mind... UNLESS you do the following, in your non gaming time together drive her insane... be like a two year old child in your need for entertainment... prove to her that you need time apart by making her demand it... if you work the mojo right after a couple of months she will be the one who asks you to go game. 

"I'm not just the president I'm a member of this club" Good luck you are in a tough place in your relationship. If you remember my training you will survive!


----------



## Henry

*Re: Re: an aside...*



			
				DocMoriartty said:
			
		

> *You have a problem with me Tom?
> 
> If you do then grow some  and email me or post it here.
> *




Let's please not name-call, nor bait one another into posting things of this nature.

And for the record, I do agree with Doc on one part - if there is a personal problem, you can e-mail one another, but it doesn't need to be on the boards.

Onward with the matrimonial Sage Advice Column!


----------



## Zaruthustran

Angelsboi said:
			
		

> *on what Zaruthustran said:
> 
> I have a boyfriend i see every night when he gets home.  We have dinner, we watch TV, hell, we even have a dcent sex life.  We also go dancing and clubbing every other Saturday.
> 
> Is he a gaymer?  Nope.  Is he pagan?  Nope.
> 
> Why am i with him?
> 
> Because he allows me to run my games on saturday mornings (when hes at work) and play Sunday afternoons.  It gives him relax time by himself.
> 
> Our relationship is just fine.  He knows that im a gaming geek and STILL wants to be with me.
> 
> It sounds like you have a big issue here man.  Did she know about your gaming habits BEFORE you guys got married? *




Sorry, I'm confused--what issue are you talking about? As my message stated, my wife knew everything about me before we got married. That's why she married me. And everything's perfect (I use that word intentionally) with my marriage. 

Did you respond to the wrong person?

-z


----------



## EricNoah

Tom, if you're gonna ignore someone, please commence ignoring and don't rub their face in it.  I don't go around telling which people are on my ignore list.  

Doc, when someone asks for help and you practically punch them, that just seems downright mean.  The old saying "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all" comes to mind, though you could replace "nice" with "helpful" and that would work too. Now I realize you suspect the guy of being a troll, but still... 

I'm gonna try a little experiment.  If it doesn't work, sue me.   I'm gonna cull out the things I think are irrelevant or mean-spirited from this thread instead of locking the whole thing.  I don't plan on doing this a lot (it makes moderating take more time) but we'll see how this goes.


----------



## edbonny

*This post is for JER and others in this situation...*

JER... You're in a tough spot! But one that can be patiently worked through. And I must stress patience. It has helped me to discuss this as rationally as possible sometimes working it out over many months. When such a talk got overheated with the SO (both past and present), it is time to stop the discussion... only to continue later when the high emotions on both sides have subsided. If discussing your gaming is always a heated topic, you might have a more serious problem than simply "gaming."

Bottom line as I see it: Are you both equally respectful and responsive of the other's needs? If not, you must work together to decide how you both can bring such a healthy balance into your relationship

If anything, this thread has shown a broad range of possible approaches and potential results arising from this (common?) situation. 

I wholeheartedly agree with Eric, too on the comments on this board..  As an aside, Doc's advice may appear hard but it works for him (and no doubt others like him). Not my style but I wouldn't knock it.

- Ed Bonny


----------



## JacktheRabbit

No problemo Eric.




			
				EricNoah said:
			
		

> *Tom, if you're gonna ignore someone, please commence ignoring and don't rub their face in it.  I don't go around telling which people are on my ignore list.
> 
> Doc, when someone asks for help and you practically punch them, that just seems downright mean.  The old saying "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all" comes to mind, though you could replace "nice" with "helpful" and that would work too. Now I realize you suspect the guy of being a troll, but still...
> 
> I'm gonna try a little experiment.  If it doesn't work, sue me.   I'm gonna cull out the things I think are irrelevant or mean-spirited from this thread instead of locking the whole thing.  I don't plan on doing this a lot (it makes moderating take more time) but we'll see how this goes. *


----------



## Wikidogre

Well i am sorry to hear of your situation, the only thing i can say is, yes you are married, but she does not have the right to tell you what you can and cannot do.....it would be differant if you did that to her, but i am going to take the road that you do not. This may be a harsh way to look at it but it is ture, you enjoy it, you want to do it, so tell her you are, then throw in something like, i do not restrict you from doing anything you want and love to do. Thier needs to be a comprimise for the situation. If she feels that you are not spending enough time with her, then you need to find other ways to correct that. But for her to restrict you from gaming, and even going as far as telling you, that you can not, well......that seems to me like to much control.

I hope some of this helps, i would not know, mine was a situation of a creepy religous father who follows Jack chick!! , and it had to be resolved a little differantly.

peace


----------



## Holy Bovine

reveal said:
			
		

> *Here it is:  It's all about communication.  We talked to each other, found out how the other felt and worked out a resolution.  Today, my wife and I have one of the strongest relationships of anyone we know.  We respect each other tremendously and realize a little "me time" for one of us is not the end of the world.  Especially now that we have a 7 month old.  It really helps to know you can slip away for a few minutes to take a breather while the other person watches your child. *




I want to take this, frame it and hang it one my wall for everyone to see.

This is _exactly_ how I feel about relationships and marriage.

A little 'me time' (by this I mean a few hours a week gaming in your case, possibly every other week would be better though) is not very much to ask.

It is posts like this that make me realize how lucky I am to have found a woman who is a big a gamer as I am


----------



## EricNoah

DocMoriartty said:
			
		

> *No problemo Eric.
> 
> 
> *




Thanks, man.


----------



## Griswold

That's a tough spot your in, but you and your wife can work through it. I know I've been there myself and it just takes some communication and a little give and take.

//begin unabashed book recommendation

before my wife and I got married we read Making Love Last Forever  together as part of pre-marital counciling. It's by Gary Smalley, a Christian marrage councilor It is the single best book on having a successful, loving marriage I have ever read, and I have read a few.   His books are pretty down to earth reading too, light on the preachy, heavy on communication and understanding. 

//ok, I'm done now

Thanks,

Gris.


----------



## Gargoyle

Bummer situation.   It took a while, but I've convinced my wife to play D&D, and I've also got her DMing a campaign!

The only thing I can think of is corny, but I'm celebrating my 10th anniversary next year so I must be doing something right.

Read "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" if you haven't already.  If you have, point out that D&D is your cave.   It really isn't for me, but it sounds like it is for you.

And be sure that you do something special with her every week.  If you go right from gaming day to playing on a computer or watching TV, then she has a point.    

And consider getting her to play eventually.  It's great to share the hobby together, and she may not resent it so much if she's invited.  Offer to run a game just for her so she can learn the rules first.  

Good luck!


----------



## garyh

Taking another tack on this:

Does she mind if you're on the internet?  You can always get your gaming fix at the "In Character" forum.


----------



## Buttercup

*Re: It's not a troll.*



			
				JERandall said:
			
		

> * I'm a bit sad we didn't figure this out before getting married, but hopeful that it's not to late to turn things around*




It's not too late.  And it's worth it.


----------



## LostSoul

I would take a guess and say that it's not really about gaming.  Try and talk to her about it and find out what she *feels*.  Her emotions are the important thing.


----------



## Olive

Dremen said:
			
		

> *4. She thought I was a Jock untill we got married. I'm very active but she never saw the amount of time I read, she felt kinda like she didn't know me. It is hard to REALLY get to know somebody till you live together. She knew I gamed and even went a couple of times.*




and this is why i wanted to live with my partner before we get married... i'm sure others have reasons not to (religion etc)


----------



## Mistwell

Maraxle said:
			
		

> *Playing on the weekend is your mistake.  Make it a week night.  Make it a maximum of 3-4 hours, and she should be happy.  That's what seems to work for me and my players.  You should be spending time with her on the weekend, anyway. *




I am in total agreement.  You can't play on a weekend, if you are serious about your relationship, and at least one of you works.  All this "it's just one day a week" is just bullcrap.  If you both work normal days and hours (or if even one of you does), then there are only two days out of each week that you actually have together.  Playing on a Saturday is 50% of those days, and asking too much of a relationship.

And all this "get her to go" is crap as well.  Sure, you might convince her to go a few times, but if it isn't her thing then it just isn't her thing.  To speak to a stereotype that many might understand - if a man didn't like shopping all day, and a woman tried to convince him to go to a mall and shop every single Saturday all day, how long do you think that guy would put up with it?  It's just not reasonable to assume that your hobby is something that your significant other will enjoy as much as you, if they just give it a fair shot.

Insist to your group that you play on no more than one weekday a week, for 2-4 hours, or else find a new gaming group.


----------



## Frostmarrow

This might seem a bit far-fetched but perhaps your wife is a little conscientious about what other people think? If you tell all her friends about your charming little hobby and manage to get them intrigued about the concept and a wee bit curious, at least something is won. I mean if her friends doesn't think you are a geek for playing D&D your wife might not worry about that being the case. Note that I don't know either one of you and what I have suggested is mostly guesswork.

I wonder if I am on EN's ignore list?


----------



## Nissien

I agree about communication. Talk, sort it out.

But if that doesn't work, revert to Man's oldest weapon in the war of the sexes: flowers.


----------



## Steve Conan Trustrum

In my opinion, the best thing to do is use logic to back her into a corner with logic and make her realize how silly she's being. Tell your wife that you're having these same guys over one weekend to do something as simple as watch a video, sporting event, or just to sit on the back porch and drink some beers. Do this for a couple of weekends and then let her know that they're coming over for some D&D. When she starts going on about how it's a waste of time and how you have better ways to spend your time, ask her something like "you mean like having these same guys over just to watch TV or drink beers?" Once you've pointed out that she's had no problem with you doing things that are by far a more wasteful use of time (in her eyes, at least), you can start making her accept that she is just prejudiced against DnD and can start working on that. Doing things like this work for me all the time, but it all depends on how willing one's girlfriend/wife is to back down once you've backed her into a corner using her own "logic" against her.


----------



## Buttercup

Steve Conan Trustrum said:
			
		

> *In my opinion, the best thing to do is use logic to back her into a corner with logic and make her realize how silly she's being. *




With all due respect, how long have you been married?  Emotions don't necessarily have anything to do with logic, and backing your spouse into a corner literally or figuratively seems guaranteed to backfire.  

Said another way, if someone is upset, logic probably doesn't enter into it, and belittling that person's feelings by making them feel silly is a big step on the road to divorce court if it happens over and over again.

I'm basing these statements on 13 years of marriage. (14 in December)  Be very careful about how you behave when you fight.  You cannot take back words you shouldn't have spoken, and each time you utter something belittling, a tiny piece of your spouse's love for you dies forever.  I learned this in a previous relationship, and so my husband & I have always taken care to be kind and fair, even when we are so angry we want to strangle each other.  It isn't always easy, but really, if your marriage isn't worth curbing your tongue for, what in this world is?


----------



## Maraxle

Steve Conan Trustrum said:
			
		

> *In my opinion, the best thing to do is use logic to back her into a corner with logic and make her realize how silly she's being. Tell your wife that you're having these same guys over one weekend to do something as simple as watch a video, sporting event, or just to sit on the back porch and drink some beers. Do this for a couple of weekends and then let her know that they're coming over for some D&D. When she starts going on about how it's a waste of time and how you have better ways to spend your time, ask her something like "you mean like having these same guys over just to watch TV or drink beers?" Once you've pointed out that she's had no problem with you doing things that are by far a more wasteful use of time (in her eyes, at least), you can start making her accept that she is just prejudiced against DnD and can start working on that. Doing things like this work for me all the time, but it all depends on how willing one's girlfriend/wife is to back down once you've backed her into a corner using her own "logic" against her. *



I would never claim to be an expert on women, but I can guarantee that trying to trap one with logic is a really, really bad idea.  This is clearly an emotional, rather than logical, situation for her, and should be treated as such.  It's not the fact that you're playing D&D.  She's hurt by losing half of her weekend time with you to a bunch of "gaming geeks."


----------



## ladyofdragons

I guess the matter really is whether she sees it as something that takes you away from her, or whether she sees it as something truly geeky that she wouldn't be involved with.

Does she like other fantasy-related things?  Did she like LOTR/FOTR, think strider/legolas was a hottie?  While thinking of bringing her into your gaming group fold is a nice idea, think first of how to do it without further alienating her from RPGs.  Women in roleplaying are generally much different than men.  Most women enjoy a more roleplay-heavy game, with chances for creativity and self expression.  Equating roleplaying to acting out the part of a character in a fantasy movie, in which she has the main choices as to what she can do, is more appealing to a woman than the thought of sitting around a table rolling some dice.

If it's a time issue, then perhaps there's a compromise.  Personally, I like every other week for gaming.  That gives my husband & I off-weekends to do non-gaming activities, and I don't get burnout.  In fact, we recently started going out with another couple (who happen to game with us) for non-RPG activities like dinner, movies, card games, etc.  It's an enjoyable social activity with the same people.  Of course conversation inevitably strays to the game, but not so much that it overpowers the evening.


----------



## Redleg06

I have not read all the posts so I am just reply ing to the original.


If you are like me and most gamers I know you have SEVERAL gaming hobbies.  Probably a few non-gaming ones too. I would suggest dumping about 80% of them and keeping the ones you enjoy the most. That way if you just play D&D and one or two other games it might not seem so bad.

Second, relationships require comprimise. You need to weigh how important is D&D? How important is your marriage? I would hope that in the end you would pick your marriage over a HOBBY. Yes, idealy she should realize how important D&D is to you etc etc, but c'mon. It is only a game.

Last, have you asked her if it is the game she objects to, or your friends? If it is the latter, the problem may be of a different nature, and potentially bigger than you realize.


----------



## robaustin

Let me just say this - all of the advice given so far has been excellent. I just want to offer this piece of advice:

There is something called the "dialogue wheel."  This 'device' allows people to explore an issue in depth.  The idea is to first make sure that all defenses are down.  Then explore an issue with the following statements:

I feel...
I see....
I think...
I am bothered by...
I hope (in the future)...
I wish...
I want...
I am happy...
I enjoy....

Etc... (I do not have the whole dialogue guide handy)

The reason you do this (there are about 20 different beginning statements) is to explore the full issue in depth.  I'm sure you could come up with more beginninng statements yourself.

The point is to get to the root of the issue. I suspect it is not the gaming itself that she hates, but the time away and not spending time with her.

With that said - my personal experience is that my wife looks at my time at games (we usually play one Fridaynight  and one 12 hour saturday session a month, sometimes two fridays) as time SHE has to HERSELF.

Just because you are married does not mean that you are one integrated unit all the time. You're two separate human beings who have needs that cannot be fulfilled by each other.  If her perspective on your time spent gaming can change to that of "oh I can go out with my friends for a girls' night out" or "Now I can get that nice quiet evening with the book without being interrupted" then you'll have it made.  My wife actually looks forward to these times now, because she knows she gets time to herself to do something I would never want to do. 

We play with two couples (one of whom has kids) and three other married guys (one of whom also has a child).  We are all in our 30's and all have decent jobs.  It is not as unusual as you might think.  We are just a good group of friends who like to play D&D.  My wife is friends with all of them as well.  I tried to get her to play D&D but she said she wasn't interested in spending that much time playing (she has played before).

Hope that helps..

--*Rob


----------



## Danyon Dehlmari

My best advice, is maybe explain to her that this is a hobby that you love and to try the game for two months. If she hates it STILL after that long, then you'll reduce your gaming to once or twice a month (or something to that affect)

Run a solo game for her during those two months. You must know whether she likes adventure mystery etc... just build around that.

Hope that helps!!!


----------



## Wolfspider

Give up gaming cold turkey.

Your marriage is more important.


----------



## herald

I've been married three years if this means anything.

There seems to me two differant issues.

Is the problem that you don't spend enough time with your wife or..
Does she have a problem with D&D.

Before you can fix anything, you need to get that information from your wife.

I know that seems like I'm  being pendantic, but this might save you some time when you work this out.


----------



## Zarthon

Hi I'm Zarthon's better half.....)

I must say that I reacted very much the same as your wife does. I would generally sulk and complain that he never spent any time with me,and if he even dared to say the word "D&D" boy the doo-doo really hit the fan. Needless to say I was just plain nasty! . But He never gave up and he  finally invite me to watch a session, and I can tell you I haven't looked back.

From my side I would say she is a bit jealous about your relationship with your friends, hell I was! But you need to understand D&D is very alien to some and in a way quiet frightening. Of course your marriage comes first as some have stated but a marriage is a two way street, this needs to be pointed out to her.  My advise to you, invite her to a session, get her to read some good fantasy novels, spend some time with her as well as your gaming buddies,have them over for supper ect. Let her get to know them a little more and she can see that they are just normal people.

In the beginning I also thought " My god what will my friends think of me playing D&D?" but you know what, I'm doing something that I enjoy, Maybe she will find it enjoyable, maybe not. 

Good luck to both of you Hope you work this out
Taipan (one kick-ass druid!)


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## Chimera

Logic + Wife = Automobile + Hummingbird.  (Sorry if I offend anyone, but that's my experience.  She (and most other women I know) do not give a hoot about something as non-emotional as LOGIC.)

When I got engaged, my wife and I had a little discussion about our individual activities.  Some that she did that I wanted her to stop, some I did that she wanted me to stop.  In the end, neither of us quit anything.  We both came to the agreement that neither of us has the right to simply demand that the other stop doing something we enjoy because one of us doesn't like it or understand it.

It's something called Respect.


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## Katowice

My wife is as totally a non-gamer as a girl could be, yet she doesn't discourage me from gaming, provided I still meet my obligations to the family.  The way she figures it: "At least you aren't hanging out at strip clubs."


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## nopantsyet

My wife (5 years) is pretty good about it.  Especially since I moved the game to our house.  When I had it at my office, she would get annoyed at me being there late on a weeknight, but since I moved it to Sunday mornings at our place, it's been just fine.


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## AuroraGyps

Well, I was a gamer wife to my now gamer ex-husband (we just went to the game store today  )  so I never minded him gaming, but it did bug me that he put SO MUCH time into planning the games he GMed.  So, maybe part of her problem is the total amount of  time you put into gaming.  You two should discuss this and try to reach a compromise.
Also, if you play on a certain night every week, why doesn't she plan something to do w/ her friends or by herself that night.  If it's Guy Game Night, it can also be Girl's Night Out or if you guys play elsewhere, Wife Pampering Time at your place.  
I do recomend getting her aquainted with your hobby.  Maybe she'd find an aspect of it that she likes.  And try to involve any of her likes in gaming too: if she likes to cook, ask if you both can make a snack for a game (and sing her praises to the guys) or if she's artsy, maybe she'd like painting minis or making homemade die pouches.  
Lastly, ask her opinions on some game stuff.  Like if you're coming up with a new PC or if you're the DM, ask her for ideas for your adventures and bounce your ideas off her.  She might come up with some great things that you might not have thought of.

Good Luck to you both.


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## robaustin

I just want to say this to the people who say "give up gaming your marriage is more important"

That's not the way to approach it.

If you give up gaming completely - something that you value in your life, something that has been part of your life for so long - you will end up only with feelings of resentment towards your wife that will contribute to the breakdown ofyour relationship.

Yes- the marriage is more important than gaming, BUT - a GOOD marriage is one in which the partners understand their own needs, and desires and work together to have those things met.  Your wife needs to realize that this hobby is something that fulfills some needs in your life that she cannot fulfill, and as such, stopping you from doing it will only make things worse.  However, if she can open her mind and learn to accept and even encourage the time away from her - your marriage will grow stronger.

I have seen many relationships where the wife said "you CAN'T do that."  What's the natural reaction  - defensive: "Yes I CAN and you can't stop me."   We're adults, we're past that now.  Adults in marriages work out things and come to compromises.  you may need to compromise a bit on how much you game - but please - for your own sanity - don't stop gaming.  If your wife cannot accept your gaming at all.  Then you need to seriously consider whether or not you want to stay with her.

That sounds harsh right?  Just remember that marriage is a partnership.  You are not bound to do what she says and she is not bound to do what you say.  You work together to create a life together.  But you are still two separate people.

Keep us updated JE - I want to hear how this turns out.

--*Rob


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## Leopold

"First and foremost: I am a geek."

I tell that to all the prospective women i date. I let them know i am into all sorts of geeky things: computers, D&D, tinkering and building things, but also into other things as well: sports, beach, reading, writing, romance, etc.

Make sure she knows that you are happy being who you are and what you like to do and stress that D&D is a hobby like some people have building ships, writing, watching movies, etc. and that it is harmless as others have said before.


I second the notion for reading men are from mars women are from venus. It clears up so many different things you may be forgetting and overlooking...


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## Bryan Vining

*Try this...*

JER, go here:

http://www.comcom121.org/relationships/


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## Voneth

I feel for you, too.

So my question is, what does your wife do while have your guy time?

I married a woman who appeared to game, but once we were married she decided that it was time to "grow up." And the gaming had to go as we spent 24/7 with each other, with her the center of my attention. She never picked up any other hobbies and even would wake me up from the middle afternoon on my sleep cycle while I was on the night shift, simply becuase she was lonely.  She was always calling in the middle of games "just to talk" becuse she didn't want to go out, or make any friends.

Then I had one nice relationship where the woman gamed once with us and then decided it wasn't for her. She would go out and party while I ran games. A lot of times I would wrap up a game around midnight and then go out and join her.

I don't know the details of your relationship, but I ain't asking. I do ask that you look over both your actions and talk. And count yourself lucky, I don't waste my breath giving out relationship advice anymore. I got tired of getting ignored.


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## Sir Edgar

I don't know why you can't have separate interests.  Have you kept her from doing anything she likes to do?


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