# Funny Orc n' Pie story



## Duke Frinn (Nov 20, 2003)

A friend of mine managed to turn the "shortest technically complete adventure in the world" into a complicated, millenia spanning epic.

First, if you don't know what The Orc and the Pie is, check it out.

So here is what happened:

I told this friend of mine about the adventure, that it was really funny and so on, and he said "let's play it" without knowing what it was about. I agreed, and told him that his character, a 5th level Elf Wizard, really wants pie, so he enters the room.

Me: You see an orc with a pie.

F (friend): I use Invisibility.

Me: The Orc turns around to look at you, but since you are invisible he thinks its just the wind, and goes towards the pie, intending to eat it.

F: I use lightning bolt.

Me: The orc dies. the pie is unharmed. Do you take it?

But he doesn't, because he is SURE there must be something more to the adventure. He says "My character isn't stupid. I look around in the room." There is nothing there, so he uses see invisibility, detect magic, detect poison, everything. He is sure there is a catch.

F: Why did this orc have the pie?

Me: He wanted to eat it.

F: Orcs don't like pie!

Me: What?!

F: Orcs like only gross food, and you said this pie looks really good.

Me: Orcs like good food, when they can get it.

F: No, they only like gross food. This is weird... Where did the orc get the pie?

Me: You are taking this way to seriously... I don't know, he stole it.

F: Are there signs on the pie that he stole it?

Me: Uh.... Yeah.

F: I am an elf, and if an orc touched the pie, I don't want to eat it.

Me (Annoyed): He had gloves on, ok?

F: I take the pie, and go to the bakery where the pie was made.

Me: Ok.

F: I ask them what the ingridients are, and I buy another pie that is just like it.

Me (Really annoyed, I just want him to eat the pie): You don't have enough money.

F: Ok, I send the pie for a DNA sampling, to see if the orc touched it.

Me: Well, you wait 3000 years until people invent that. Now the pie is as hard as a rock. Scientists don't detect orc on it.

F: I eat it.

Me: It is as hard as a rock! You break your teeth.

F: I get a wizard to fix it.

Me: Ok. He fixes your teeth too. You have the pie, it looks great, and you can finally eat it, but an earthquack occures and you drop it into the deepest parts of the earth.

F: I can't go there alone... I post a messege for someone to come with me.

Me (I have had enough): A zillion orcs come, because all orcs for the past 3000 years grew up on the story of how you killed that orc and took the pie, They all hate you.

F: I use Invisibility.

Me: They start fighting. They all die, and you get enough xp to become level 20, okay? Now will you go get the pie alone?

He goes alone, and meets seven dragons guarding the pie. He uses Invisibility and the dragons all kill eachother except for one, who eats the pie and than the elf.

F: I carve my way out of the dragon.

Me: Whatever...What now?

F: I call my grand-grandson, to share the pie with me.

Me: Ok, you sit together, and he cuts 3/4 for himself and 1/4 for you.

F: I throw my part at him. Then I use make whole, and tell him to cut it half and half.

Me: He does.

F: I throw my half at him.

Me: He is an epic level fighter. He throws his knife at you. You are down to 1 hp.

F: I use Invisibility, the I try to burn the pie with fireball.

Me: That is an attack on the pie. The pie dies, but you become visible, and the fighter kills you.

F: Do I find the pie in heaven?

Me: WHAT?!?!??!

F: Is it in heaven?

Me: Uh... not in elf heaven. It is in a pie version. You have to pretend to be a dead pie.

F: I get into pie heaven buy convincing the plane's deity that I am a dead pie.

Me: It isn't there. It was a really bad pie. It is in Pie-Hell.

F: I go there.

Me: As you run toward the pie it suddenly disappears. The deity wants it for himself.

F: I go to the deity.

Me: Suddenly you hear the first orc (the one you killed in the begining) running towards you.

F: I use invisibility.

Me: What a suprise. The orc kills the deity and thus becoms the new deity.

F: I use fireball.

Me: The pie heats up and exploads, killing the orc deity. Technically the pie killed him, so the pie is the new deity. The pie eats you.

F:...

Me: You are dead. Again.

F: I eat it from the inside.

Me: Uh... what?

F: Yeah, now I am the new deity, right?

Me: I guess....

F: The pie ate me, and I ate the pie... now we exist together...We are opposits, but we are whole together...

Me: This is just too wierd, I have GOT to write about this on enworld...

So thats it... I was cracking up... I hope you enjoyed the story too.


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## Henry (Nov 20, 2003)

You mind if I post a link to this over on Monte's "Line of Sight" Forum?

If this had happened about six months ago, you probably would have stood a good chance of winning the "Make Monte laugh" contest.


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## hong (Nov 20, 2003)

OMFG LOL it's the new gazebo!!1!!111

Mods, please archive this thread for posterity.


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## The Forsaken One (Nov 20, 2003)

LOL!!!! Hahahaha, man this just made my day.


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## Duke Frinn (Nov 20, 2003)

Henry said:
			
		

> You mind if I post a link to this over on Monte's "Line of Sight" Forum?




Not at all   .


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## herald (Nov 20, 2003)

Would this give new meaning to "Munchkin"


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## Rel (Nov 20, 2003)

The first couple of sessions of D&D that I ever ran were remarkably like the above.  Except without the orc and pie.


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## Frostmarrow (Nov 20, 2003)

A-hahah . Hong, you crack me up.


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## Nifelhein (Nov 20, 2003)

LOL!!

This is amazing!!! thansk god that I never played D&D like that... my first gaem was with a cleric and our DM had a wrong udnerstading of the game spells, thus create water was an attacki spell...

I loved that spell ever since, but never tried to make it mechanically...


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## Duke Frinn (Nov 20, 2003)

After we finished the "adventure" my friend said that from now on he will find a way to make the pie a part of any future adventure... And as you can tell from the story, he will NEVER give up... He is one of those players who tries to explain why it is perfectly justified for him to charge money from the mother of the child they saved from drowning, or tries to convince an intelligent magic shield to run back to them after they sell him...


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## Nifelhein (Nov 20, 2003)

He must make your life a LOT difficult!


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## Wombat (Nov 20, 2003)

*UT!*

This is as good as some of the _Paranoia_ adventures I've been in!  

Thanks -- I needed this laugh today


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## Duke Frinn (Nov 21, 2003)

What's paranoia?


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## Goobermunch (Nov 21, 2003)

Duke Frinn said:
			
		

> What's paranoia?




Paranoia can't be explained.  It must be experienced.  Paranoia is one of the most complex, realistic, and serious Role Playing Games ever.  You should march yourself down to your FLGS and post a card on the gamers seeking gamers board.  The card should explain that you have never played paranoia, the most complex, realistic, and serious Role Playing Game ever, and want to do so immediately.

--G


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## Kershek (Nov 24, 2003)

Goobermunch said:
			
		

> Paranoia can't be explained.  It must be experienced.



Paranoia is everywhere...You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth...That you are a slave...born into bondage, born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for your mind.


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