# Iron DM 2016 (The Complete Game Thread!)



## Wicht (Oct 2, 2016)

Welcome to *Iron DM 2016*!

This thread is the actual game thread. We will use it for posting the contest ingredients, the actual entries, the judging of those entries, and all commentary on the entries. Be mindful that this thread is the place where it's all recorded for posterity. We encourage onlookers to comment on entries, and we also encourage participants, following judgments to comment on their processes in writing the entries.

Before we get started, let us once more mention the rules by which this years contest will be judged. They are more or less the same from year to year, but we encourage participants to make sure they are familiar with the rules. The main change this year is that we are going to try allowing 36 hours for the second round. Last year it was 48. We'll see how that works out and those that participate in round 2 can mention after how it affected their work. 

[sblock=This Year's Rules
*Iron DM 2016 Contest Rules*​
*The Basics:*

An *Iron DM* tournament is set up in a single-elimination bracket style, with each match determined based on scheduling availability among the eligible contestants. Matches will begin at a time designated by the judge and conclude according to the time allotted for the round.


Each match will consist of two contestants given a single set of ingredients with which to construct a brief adventure outline or synopsis. This adventure can be for any game system or genre of the contestant’s choosing. It is not expected that the synopsis will, or should, contain stat blocks, or other mechanical details. The contestant is responsible for making sure that the entry is written in such a way as to be as clear, concise, detailed, or simple as necessary. 

              [*Judges Note:* New contestants are well advised to read entries from previous years to see what sort of presentation style makes for a good entry. ]

These entries will be evaluated on their own merits and those evaluations will then be compared to determine the winner of a match, who will then proceed to the next round.

All matches will be given a time-frame within which to submit entries. Entries that are late may still be accepted at the discretion of the judge.

              [*Judges Note:* Each judge has historically had their own methods of judging. If a late entry is accepted, a contestant may expect to be penalized for the late entry, and the later it is, the less likely it is to be accepted.  It is preferred for an entry to be turned in on time, but incomplete than late and completed.]

All entries are expected to make good use of all of the ingredients submitted. They should be creatively applied, well-integrated, and fundamentally necessary to the adventure that they are used in. Ingredient use is the crux of the tournament. 

             [*Judges Note:* Do not assume that doing a good job with three ingredients will be enough, as long as you can craft a better adventure!  

First round contestants will be given six ingredients for their matches. Second round matches will have seven ingredients each and the final round will have eight ingredients. 

*Formatting:*

All entries are to be submitted with the list of ingredients at the top. DO NOT EDIT YOUR POST, ONCE YOU HAVE SUBMITTED IT! Contestants are responsible for proofing their work before submission and editing a submission is grounds for disqualification from the match.

While contestants may provide web links within an entry, such links will not be considered in judging. All relevant information for the entry must be within the entry itself.
Beyond those things mentioned here, there is no set formatting style for entries, but contestants are advised that the easier an entry is to read, the easier it is to judge. 

*Judgement:*

Each entry will be judged on its own merits. Each entry will receive a written critique from the judge according to the standard of the judge. Each judge is free to subjectively use their own judgment as to the merits of entries, and a judgment once made is final.  Contestants understand that this is a subjective contest and playing to the style of a judge may be a valid part of the contest for an entrant. Each judgment will conclude by announcing the winner, in that judge’s estimation. If a contest is judged by multiple judges, such as a panel of three, then the entry that receives a majority of judgments in its favor is the winner. Winners of the first two rounds advance to the following round to compete further. The winner of the third round is deemed the *Iron DM* for the year.
Judges are expected to be fair and constructive in the critiques according to the tradition of *Iron DM*. The goal is for the contest to be fun and each judge is expected to understand that goal and their duties. 

*2016 Tournament Structure:*

*Round 1:*

All matches in the first round will have a *24* hour time-limit! All matches in the first round will have *six* ingredients, all of which are to be used in each entry. Entries in these matches will have a *750* word limit (not including the title and ingredients list; however any descriptions or definitions of ingredients will count against the limit!). Contestants who win their Round 1 matches will proceed to Round 2.

*Round 2:*

All matches in the second round will have a *36* hour time-limit. These matches will each have *seven* ingredients, all of which are to be used in each entry. Entries in these matches will have a *1500* word limit (not including the title and ingredients list; however any descriptions or definitions of ingredients included in the ingredient list will count against the limit!). Contestants who win their Round 1 matches will proceed to Round 2.

*Round 3:*

The third round match will also have a *48* hour time-limit. This match will use *eight* ingredients, all of which are to be used in each entry. Entries in this match will have a *2000* word limit (not including the title and ingredients list--any descriptions or definitions of ingredients will count against the limit!). The contestant who wins this match will become the IRON DM 2016!

*Addendum:* By entering Iron DM, you acknoweldge that your ideas are subject to being used by others, as this is a public contest and the entries will be posted publically. This does not preclude you from making whatever use you want of the material you produce on your own website, for your own campaign, or even professionally. We do ask that following the contest, you leave your entry as is, for posterity and that your entry may be added to our growing anthology of entries. 
[/sblock]

*This Year's Competitors!​**1.*                         [MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION]

*2.*                         [MENTION=67]Rune[/MENTION]

*3.*                        [MENTION=57112]Gradine[/MENTION]

*4.*                       [MENTION=976]Imhotepthewise[/MENTION]

*5.*                      [MENTION=786]GuardianLurker[/MENTION]

*6.*                     [MENTION=92511]steeldragons[/MENTION]

*7.*                   [MENTION=6857996]LongGoneWrier[/MENTION]

*8.*                 [MENTION=6762606]LucasC[/MENTION]

*This Year's Judges!​*
*Wicht, Iron Sky, Lwaxy*​

*Round 1
Match 1:* LucasC vs. LongGone Wrier; Judgment
*Match 2:* Steeldragons vs. Rune; Judgment
*Match 3:* Guardian Lurker vs. Imhotepthewise; Judgment
*Match 4:* Gradine vs. Deuce Traveler; Judgment

*Round 2*
*Match 1: * LongGoneWrier vs. Deuce Traveler
*Match 2: * Imhotepthewise vs. Rune

*Round 3*
*Final Match: *Deuce Traveler vs. Rune


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## Wicht (Oct 2, 2016)

The first match is scheduled to begin at 4 pm EST (10/02)
  [MENTION=6762606]LucasC[/MENTION], and  [MENTION=6857996]LongGoneWrier[/MENTION] - you may check in at you convenience, if you want, to let us know you are ready


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## LucasC (Oct 2, 2016)

ready


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## LongGoneWriter (Oct 2, 2016)

ready


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## Wicht (Oct 2, 2016)

Round 1, Match 1    [MENTION=6857996]LongGoneWrier[/MENTION] vs.   [MENTION=6762606]LucasC[/MENTION]

*Your Ingredients are:*
_Opaque Window_
_Dancing Jack-o-lanterns
Rude Necromancer
Dread Pestilence
Dangerous Score
Silver Idol_

You have until 4:10 p.m. EST tomorrow to produce your entry. Good Luck, and please remember not to edit your entry after you post it.

I will be the judge of this first match.


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## Rune (Oct 2, 2016)

Like those ingredients. Very suggestive!


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## LongGoneWriter (Oct 3, 2016)

*SPOOPY SCARY SCAREAWEEN*

*Opaque Window*
*Dancing Jack-O-Lanterns*
*Rude Necromancer*
*Dread Pestilence*
*Dangerous Score*
*Silver Idol*

On the first evening of autumn, a strange silver statuette of a pumpkin-headed man appears in the center of town. Around the neck of the statuette hangs a sign which declares this day to be “Super Spoopy Day” and that the “Super Spoopy Contest” has begun. Characters might also notice that the town itself has been surrounded by a strange mist. Anyone entering the mists is subject to horrible visions and teleported to the center of town. Those who take the time to search the sky also notice that the moon seems warped and swirling with a vibrant orange color.
According to the sign, each person has a “Spoopy Score” and can earn “Spoopy Points” by doing “Spoopies!” Whomever has the highest Score at the end of the night wins the silver statuette, which appears to be valuable, if unnerving. The final line of the sign is more cryptic: “Scaredy Cat Get Ahold Of Jack! Don’t Be Scared No More!”
An amber number “0” floats above the heads of all townsfolk. The silver statuette cackles and belches forth a cloud of green gas, choking those nearby. Those affected begin screaming in fear and anger, lashing out at those around them. As they do, the numbers above their heads begin to increase.

SUPER SPOOPY CONTEST
Murder, destruction of property, intimidation, and plain old jump scares are all methods of earning Spoopy Points, although some things (like murder) are worth more. The town descends into chaos as people either flee in terror or take to the Spoopy Contest wholeheartedly. Demonic pumpkin and skeleton creatures wriggle from the shadows cast by the strange orange moon and begin dancing in the pale moonlight, or chasing or goading the townsfolk. The moon shines a bright beam of light down into the town, always illuminating the person with the highest score.

THE SILVER STATUE
The silver statuette emitted a fast-acting disease that infected townsfolk with paranoia, fear, and jealousy of everyone they meet. This disease is spread through physical contact and is airborne for a very short time after it leaves its host. Unless the characters take immediate and drastic action, the whole town is likely infected.
Anyone holding the statuette is immediately cured of its disease (although they are still susceptible to re-infection should they lose the statue). In addition, the holder of the statue can name a place in town and be immediately teleported there.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
MAD MAGE MALGALORE - the insane wizard who is the cause of these strange events, Malgalore is a planeshopping lunatic who decided to rustle up a bit of entertainment for himself and remind the townsfolk of the true origin of their harvest festivals. He has spirited the town away to a demiplane (hence, the mists). He watches from another dimensional bubble, and looks down from behind the portal between the two planes which he has inexpertly disguised as the moon. The jack-o-lanterns all feature a twisted version of his face, and he occasionally speaks through the pumpkins to encourage further “Spoopiness”. The moon adopts the general features of his face after a few hours.
KARL THE CADAVEROUS - a travelling necromancer, Karl is afraid the townsfolk will suspect he is behind the night’s events due to his magical nature. He is polite and graceful with his words, yet his words leave people itching to smack him in his smug face. He defends himself from the townsfolk with lethal force, and he happily raises dead townsfolk as his minions. He is willing to work alongside the characters, provided they can stand his constant verbal barbs. He only wishes to survive the night and be on his way.
“KNIFEHANDS” LEX - an assassin and thug who puts on an awkward, bumbling act when not in business, Lex sees the contest as a chance to enjoy himself and practice his skills.

GAME OVER
The Contest ends at dawn, or if a group deduces the cause of the night’s events and uses the statue to teleport to “the man in the moon”, or something similar. Malgalore is not an evil man, and reveals that any deaths that transpired were merely illusions. He returns the town to its normal place, and rewards the players with treasure for “being such good sports”. Even if his ruse is not discovered, Malgalore thanks the town for their good spirits in the morning and conjures a fistful of gold (some real, some chocolate) into the hands of all the townsfolk, and dispels the illusory deaths.


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## Rune (Oct 3, 2016)

[sblock=Commentary on SPOOPY SCARY SCAREAWEEN]I like the pure chaos inherent in your scenario,  [MENTION=6857996]LongGoneWrier[/MENTION]. Seems like fun![/sblock]


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## LucasC (Oct 3, 2016)

*The Treasure of Char
*
_  - Opaque Window
  - Dancing Jack-o-lanterns
  - Rude Necromancer
  - Dread Pestilence
  - Dangerous Score
  - Silver Idol

_*Background*

Char was once a place of pastoral beauty: rolling hills, idyllic pastures, and lush forests. To celebrate the birth of their first child, the King and Queen threw a great ball and to that ball came Jack, a necromancer of some renown. Horrified by his presence, the royal couple had him thrown out and, in retaliation, Jack unleashed a plague so devastating that it killed the entire realm, to the last soul. Now, Char is a quiet, dark place, full of death.

It is said that, at the heart of Char, there is a tower, its windows black as night, hiding a massive treasure. Just what hides behind those windows is unknown, but since the fall of Char the tower has drawn treasure hunters from across the world. Certainly anyone that can steal this score will be rich beyond imagining, if they can survive the taking!

*The Hook: *Recover the treasure of Char

*1: The Drunk Necromancer *
_Objective: Learn the necromancer’s secrets. _

The game begins in a tavern where a crude necromancer, with a tongue like a whip, is getting drunk. He brags of the treasure of Char, swearing, around mouthfuls of food, that he knows how to past the Guardian of Char.

The necromancer knows two useful secrets: (1) the Guardian sees through all falsehood, and (2) it will stand aside for anyone that offers it exactly 30 pieces of silver.  

*Running the Scene*
PCs will quickly learn that they cannot threaten this man. He has lived alongside death too long. They must put up with him, charming him despite his rude tongue, which he lashes out with incessantly. Play the man as arrogant, crude, abrasive, and offensive.

The challenge the PCs face is getting him to talk, despite his unending litany of abuse directed their way, and learning both secrets. He is quick to give up the first secret, but the PCs must offer him something of true value before he spills the second.

*2: The Guardian*
_Objective: Get past the guardian. _
After a long journey, the PCs arrive at massive stone gates barring entry into Char. Before the gates stands a mighty silver statue. After killing them with his plague, Jack bound the souls of Char’s dead within the statue, and charged it with jealously guarding entry to Char. The Guardian can see through all illusion and knows truth when it hears it.

*Running the Scene*
If the PCs know the secret of the Guardian, they can quickly bypass this behemoth. Failing that, combat is likely. The Guardian is a powerful juggernaut.

*3: The Lands of Char*
_Objective: Get to the tower. _
The lands of Char are dangerous, filled with more tormented souls of Jack’s victims. The PCs can fight their way through hordes of undead, use stealth, or some other means to reach the tower.

*4: At the Tower*
_Objective: Get past the jack-o’-lanterns._
Before the black tower, more than two dozen jack-o’-lanterns dance eternally for the amusement of Jack. This is what befalls thieves killed by Jack, and is the fate of the PCs, if they fail. Jack beheads them, then animates their corpse, giving each a small glowing ember. The jack-o’-lanterns cannot see far, only within the light of their ember, but they can sense the presence of life, and they seek to destroy it.

*Running the Scene*
The jack-o’-lanterns can be fooled by PCs that disguise themselves and mimic the creatures awkward, pained dance. If they fail to dupe them, the undead attack, hurling flame from their embers and clawing with their long fingernails.

*5: Beyond the Windows*
_Objective: Retrieve the treasure. _
With the Guardian, the undead, and the jack-o’-lanterns overcome, the PCs can enter the tower where Jack waits, the only thing between them and the treasure of Char.

Jack knows the secrets of life and death and is an opponent that only fools or the mighty fight. The “treasure” is the child born to the King and Queen of Char, held asleep, and unaging, all these years. If the PCs rescue the child, and defeat or drive off Jack, Char is freed of Jack’s curse and slowly returns to its prior state.

*Running the Scene*
Jack fights if he must. He can call undead hordes to his side, and slay his enemies with a gaze. Diplomacy is the wiser course here. Jack was snubbed, and all this has all been about vengeance. If the PCs convince him Char has suffered enough, he will quit the lands without a fight.


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## Rune (Oct 3, 2016)

[sblock=Commentary on The Treasure of Char]I like the imagery and the dark fairy-tale feel in your entry,  [MENTION=6762606]LucasC[/MENTION]. Also, the clearly established high stakes.[/sblock]


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## Iron Sky (Oct 3, 2016)

Round 1, Match 2 [MENTION=67]Rune[/MENTION] and [MENTION=92511]steeldragons[/MENTION].

*Your Ingredients are:*

_ Bad Lead
Fang of Mercy
Cracked Road
Leech Mining
Wax Seal
Huge Pumpkin
_
You have until noon EST tomorrow to produce your entry. Good Luck,  and please remember not to edit your entry after you post it.

I will be the judge of this match.

For my complete judging process so there are no surprises:

[sblock]My definition of "Adventure": a tool designed to reduce the time and effort required by a GM to run quality RPG sessions. If you create an adventure that saves GMs creative _energy_ before and in-game, significantly reduces the amount of prep-_time _required, and produces _fun_ and a great play experience at the table, you have succeeded. If it fails in any of these, it has failed as an adventure.

I will read your entry multiple times, asking myself the following questions as I read and answering them in my judgement of your adventure. The questions are roughly in order of importance with the ones in italics generally worth about as much as the rest put together.

*First Pass* - Initial Appeal: _Does it have any "cool factors" - things that will elicit "neat", "cool", "awesome", or, best of all: "wow!"?_ Does it seem like an adventure that would be fun to play and an interesting premise to pitch to players? Is the entry fun to read or at least easy? Is the adventure clearly understandable? Is the editing appealing or at least legible? Are there typos?

*Second Pass* - Play-ability: _Do the players' choices or, at the very least, their presence in the adventure matter?_ Is all the cool stuff buried in the backstory or do the players get to see it too? Would this be fun and exciting to run? How easy (or difficult) would this be to GM? If it is linear, does it hide it well or will players complain about railroading? If it is more free-form, is there still enough structure that the GM can still run it without a ton of extra effort?

*Third Pass* - The Rules: _Was it turned in on time? Is the word count within limits?_ Are any ingredients used in an especially creative way? Was it clear what each ingredient was or were any obscure or vague? How essential are the ingredients: if I changed the words in any ingredient, would they no longer work? How interwoven were the ingredients with each other and how essential was each to the adventure? Aside from their main use, were any ingredients used in other clever ways?

*Comparison*: Once all three passes are complete on each entry, I will compare each entry's First, Second, and Third passes individually. Whichever I deem is stronger on two out of three will advance to the next round.

Notice in the Third Pass that I'm a stickler for the rules - many  "real life" contests and/or writing gigs have strict submission  requirements, miss those and it likely doesn't matter how cool your  stuff is they'll likely chuck it. Typo in your query letter? Deleted. Miss the electronic submission deadline? Link disappears. Sure, this is just a "for fun" contest on the internet, but  this is IronDM, not CopperDM; you know what you signed up for. 

I will be using the word counter linked above, remember you get your title and the ingredients list for free.[/sblock]


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## steeldragons (Oct 3, 2016)

Thanks [MENTION=60965]Iron Sky[/MENTION]. Looking forward to it.

Have at ye, [MENTION=67]Rune[/MENTION]. See y'all tomorrow.

Happy creating to all of our fellow competitors!


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## LucasC (Oct 3, 2016)

Iron Sky said:


> Round 1, Match 2 @_*Rune*_ and @_*steeldragons*_.
> 
> *Your Ingredients are:*
> 
> ...




That's a tough list!


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## Wicht (Oct 3, 2016)

I have read both entries. I will try to make a judgment by tonight.


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## Wicht (Oct 3, 2016)

*Iron DM 2016* _Round 1, Match 1_

“*SPOOPY SCARY SCAREAWEEN*” (LongGoneWrier) vs. “*The Treasure of Char*” (LucasC)

Firstly, when I judge, I use something of a personal scoring system to help myself weigh the various factors and criteria when deciding between entries. 

[sblock=A Summary of Wicht’s Iron DM Scoring System, patent pending]
*Followed the Rules:* Wordcount, time limit, etc. (worth 6 points)
*Ingredient Use:* Were all the ingredients legitimately used as a necessary part of the adventure? (worth 12 points)
*Useability:* How easy could a GM plop the adventure down into their game? (worth 6 points)
*Style:* Personal preference – how much does the presentation and adventure appeal to the judge (worth 6 points) [/sblock]
And as I look at these two entries, I am thankful for that system because, at the start, I am not quite sure which I prefer… I think I know, but there is doubt.

Both entries are, to me, marked more by their weaknesses than their strengths, and the primary weakness I see in both is very similar. This is not to say that they don’t have their strengths, because they do, but in adventure writing (for other people) there are certain things you should never, ever do, and both of these adventures touch upon one of those role-playing third rails… 

But we’ll get back to that. 

Let’s get some book-keeping things out of the way. Firstly – did the adventures follow the rules?

Both were turned in on time. Both were just under the word count. And both presented the ingredients at the top. So full marks to both adventures for playing by the rules. Good job there. 

Next, let us examine the ingredients and how well they were used in our RPG dishes. Did the DMs craft adventures worthy of the ingredients or were they just carelessly tossed in? 

Let’s start with opaque window. I deduce in “SSS”, the moon itself is the opaque window through which the very powerful wizard scries the town below, a bit like the moon in The Truman Show, a particularly favorite movie of mine. I’m of two minds about this ingredient use, because on the one hand, it is a powerful image. On the other hand, it’s not necessarily something that is going to really affect the PCs, except to be noticed in passing. But as an ingredient, it’s use is far better than the use that we see in “TToC.” In that entry, the opaque windows are really nothing more than, pardon the pun, window dressing. They could have just as easily been any other building material, and I can’t tell it would have made any difference.

The situation is somewhat reversed with the next ingredient, dancing Jack-o-lanterns. Here I think it is “TToC” that has the better use, with the monstrous entities being the lopped of heads of prior explorers and would-be-thieves. In “SSS” the creatures could easily be replaced by any other ghoulish sort of entity and it would not make much difference to their function or reason for being. 

Then we come to the rude Necromancer. I must confess that I am not really that fond of either use. In “TToC,” while the drunk necromancer is indeed rude, the fact he is a necromancer is really irrelevant. He could be any rude individual at the bar, with secret information, and it wouldn’t change anything. Jack might be considered as a stand in – he is obviously more necromantic in his dealings, wiping out an entire kingdom, but he is not presented as being rude. He just wants someone to apologize to him. Deranged he may be, but he doesn’t fit the bill quite. The necromancer in “SSS” is indeed a “necromancer” and could be a compelling character, , fearful of being accused, and willing to raise the dead to defend himself, and that is all great, but when we read his description, the first thing that we read is he is polite, but in a smug way. Polite is normally the opposite of rude, even when smug, but… the use is still marginally better. 

The next ingredient is Dread Pestilence, and here again, “SSS” is better. As with the windows, the pestilence in “TToC” is mere background. The PCs do not actually interact with it in a meaningful way. However, in “SSS” it affects everyone and is a central element driving the adventure. In a similar way, the silver idol of “SSS” has far more of a role to play in the adventure, protecting the holder as it does, and being the source of the plague. The silver idol in “TToC” is not so much an idol as it is a guardian. The idea of the souls being bound to it is interesting, but not really integral. More could have been done, I think, with the idea, but it wasn’t. And if you plop a traditional Sphinx down as the gate guardian instead, what would be different? I think it would play much the same role, in exactly the same way. 

Then finally the dangerous score. I will be brutally honest that I think the ideas of numbers floating above the heads, as in “SSS” is too “gamey,” and too modern. Some other indicator, other than floating numerals would be more evocative, and just as effective. But the idea is still intriguing, and would provide for interesting RPing as the PCs analyze others through the numbers, and would be so analyzed in return. In “TToC” the score is really just a macguffin, a goal to reach, and a bit of wordplay. And then, in the end, it is not the score that is dangerous, but the journey to reach it. I think here again, “SSS” edges out its competitor. 

As I analyze the scores for ingredient use, “SSS” is clearly in the lead over “TToC”

So let’s talk about useability. And here is where I have to talk about some of the weaknesses of the adventures, as presented, because it really is at the heart of the problems I have with both. Firstly, neither adventure really addresses which RPG system they are meant to be run with, which I think hurts “SSS” more than it does “TToC.” System doesn’t always matter, but then again, a choice of system also speaks somewhat to the expectations of the adventure. A Toon Game is going to be very different in expectations from a D&D/Pathfinder adventure, and yet again from a Supernatural sort of system. On my initial read through of “SSS” I got a modern fantasy sort of vibe, but I think it may be meant to be a standard fantasy setting. But the whole numbers over the heads is sort of cartoony, and you could run the thing pretty well in Toon, as something of a slap’n’dash cartoon. The use of the modern spoopy meme also points to a somewhat comical intention. But its not spelled out, which hurts it. 

But that’s not my real problem with either adventure (though I think in the case of “SSS” if it had been a Toon adventure, or something similar, the other problem would also be solved). If the adventures are meant to be run straight, the real problem is with the protagonist of each. In each case the writer has made the same basic mistake of making the villain unbeatable. They are nothing more than reverse deus-ex-machinas, and not very subtle ones at that. The power of the wizard causing all the trouble in “SSS” is godlike in his power. The shifting of a whole town, the massive amounts of illusions, the mind-control… it’s all a bit much. It would have made much more sense to just have made him some sort of trickster god, and left it at that (which made me think of the whole Supernatural adventure angle). “TToC” has a similar problem, though it is a problem I approach from a slightly different viewpoint. In this case, the adventure seems to me to clearly be meant for a traditional fantasy setting, but who the PCs are meant to be is never quite made clear. Are they low level folks fresh off the farm caught up in an epic romance? The dangers suggest characters more powerful. But if they are meant to be powerful, then why is the bad-guy so unbeatable? The ending becomes unsatisfying, at least to me. 

Then there is the scope of the adventures, and the presentation. “TToC” is really just a journey adventure. The challenges presented in detail are potentially interesting, but are presented as being either unchallenging because of cleverness, or overly challenging because of numbers. I know the word limit is, well, limiting, but I am not sure it was used to best advantage. Too many unimportant things are dwelt on, such as the drunk at the bar, but details of the actual adventure are glossed over too quickly. “SSS” on the other hand is very sandboxy, and some of the people presented are interesting, but more could have and should have been done to present a variety of other challenges. It is a bit too chaotic in presentation, which would make trying to adapt it somewhat chaotic as well. For a chaotic adventure to be run well, it is necessary that it be well organized. 

As is, I think both have potential, but as presented, both need work to be more useable. 

And so we come to style. Right up front, The Treasure of Char appeals to my instinctual tastes with its fairytale like atmosphere and background. The sleeping princess, even as a literal babe, has appealed through the ages for a reason. However, the PCs might be a little miffed to be expecting money and wind up with a baby princess. But, I think where the adventure suffers the most is in its linearity. It is a story the PCs are caught up in, and there is an expectation that it will play out according to script. All adventures telling a story must do this somewhat, but here it is too heavy handed I think. On the other hand, Spoopy Scary Scareaween did not immediately grab me, because, if I am to be honest, the word Spoopy just rubs me all sorts of wrong. I also dislike all-powerful NPCs. If you are not a god, then you should have limits. PCs don’t like facing DM fiat when it is so heavy-handed. But moving past that first distaste, I find that there is a lot to potentially like about this adventure. Don’t get me wrong, I think it needs a lot of work, and it needs to decide what kind of adventure it wants to grow up to be. But it has room to grow to be just about anything it wants. I still give “TToC” a slight nod style wise, but I don’t dislike “SSS” quite as much as I first thought I did, and I think it could grow on me even more with just the right polish. 

Which leads me to a verdict, and it’s not the verdict I thought I would have reached when I started. In this case, the victor belongs to the entry that used the ingredients the best – which is Spoopy Scary Scareaween. It was close, but this round goes to our newcomer – LongGoneWrier. Congratulations and good luck in round 2. 

*LongGoneWrier – Spoopy Scary Scareaween* 
*Followed the Rules* 6/6
*Ingredient Use* 10/12
*Useability *3/6
*Style *3/6
*Total: 22/30*

*LucasC – The Treasure of Char*
*Followed the Rules* 6/6
*Ingredient Use* 7/12
*Useability *3/6
*Style *4/6
*Total: 20/30*


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## Wicht (Oct 3, 2016)

[MENTION=6857996]LongGoneWrier[/MENTION] and [MENTION=6762606]LucasC[/MENTION] - feel free to pontificate on your entries now.


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## LongGoneWriter (Oct 3, 2016)

Oh wow. I didn't think I'd knock out one of the old guard like this. Gotta say, LucasC, i really dug both the jack-o-lanterns being ex-adventurers (I may or may not be stuck relishing Curse of Strahd right now), and the twist on "treasure". A nice reminder about why people go adventuring.

As for "pontificating", I've been in too many creative writing workshops to defend my ugly baby all that much. I actually could have sworn that system agnosticism was part of the point of these contests? But if you want me to ground it in a specific system, in all likelihood it'll default to D&D unless it's clear otherwise (mention of deckers/crane clan/etc).

Finally, sorry for the general "spoopiness" ( last time I use it, I swear!). I saw "dancing jack-o-lanterns and immediately assumed there was a dancing pumpkin skeleton meme reference in there.

I had a blast working this out, and am looking forward to the next round. Thanks, LucasC, and thanks, Wicht, for putting me through the paces!


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## Wicht (Oct 3, 2016)

LongGoneWrier said:


> I actually could have sworn that system agnosticism was part of the point of these contests?




Yes and no. We are open to adventures belonging to any system, and high-fantasy is the default, but we have had adventures for any number of systems. As I said, just stating a system provides expectational constraints on the reader and grounds it somewhat. When using a minimum of words, such as here, broad strokes that provide deliniation and assumed details can be a benefit to the writer.


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## Gradine (Oct 4, 2016)

Wicht said:


> Yes and no. We are open to adventures belonging to any system, and high-fantasy is the default, but we have had adventures for any number of systems. As I said, just stating a system provides expectational constraints on the reader and grounds it somewhat. When using a minimum of words, such as here, broad strokes that provide deliniation and assumed details can be a benefit to the writer.




As a point of curiosity; typically there has been a byline or subtitle that signifies the system and the expected level; e.g; "_A high fantasy D&D 5e adventure for 4-5 6th level adventurers_"). Would such a byline be considered part of the title, and thus exempt from the word limit? Or would it need to be counted?


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## Wicht (Oct 4, 2016)

Gradine said:


> As a point of curiosity; typically there has been a byline or subtitle that signifies the system and the expected level; e.g; "_A high fantasy D&D 5e adventure for 4-5 6th level adventurers_"). Would such a byline be considered part of the title, and thus exempt from the word limit? Or would it need to be counted?




I would count it in the word count. It is providing information about the expectations of the adventure. Likewise, as a couple of us found out the hard way last year, any descriptions accompanying the word list also count against word count.


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## Gradine (Oct 4, 2016)

Wicht said:


> I would count it in the word count. It is providing information about the expectations of the adventure. Likewise, as a couple of us found out the hard way last year, any descriptions accompanying the word list also count against word count.




Figured as much. The low word count in Round 1 is definitely a bit of a puzzle. You really have to prioritize sections (down to specific descriptors, some times) to make sure you're providing the most important, valuable information, while also still creating a whole piece that flows well and reads coherently. Deciding what to sacrifice (and how) was the hardest part.

And the thing with the ingredient lists was especially brutal. It seemed to be you used to be able to take for granted your ability to explain, however briefly, your ingredient usage. Now it's gotta be clear, which isn't always easy for the more abstract ingredients.

Anyway, congrats to LGW on a hard-won round! I'm excited to see what everyone else is able to come up with (and excited to get started on my own!)


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## Iron Sky (Oct 4, 2016)

I found the first round to be by far the hardest last year. I spent several hours stealing four words here to add them in there, finding more concise ways to describe things to free up two words I could "spend" somewhere else. Then I realized I'd forgotten a paragraph and had to steal 34 words...


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## steeldragons (Oct 4, 2016)

*The Horror Harvest of Hoargath*


_Bad Lead_
_Fang of Mercy_
_Cracked Road_
_Leech Mining_
_Wax Seal_
_Huge Pumpkin_

You travel to the dale of Bowerton to partake in their annual Harvest festivities. But there is no cheer in Bowerton. “The Curse of Hoargath” lays upon the valley, they say. Crops fail. The swamp spreads. People vanish into the mists.


There is a ruin, called “the Fang,” in the Fetch Drain swamp north of the village. You are implored to head north, across the fields, into the swamp. Find the Cracked Road which will lead you to the ruin. It is believed the evil of the ancient wizard, Hoargath, is rooted there.


*The Fields*
Not far into the fog-filled fields you wade into a sprawling pumpkin patch with a huge pumpkin at its center, easily 10‘ tall and twice as wide. Huge golden blossoms and thick vines cascade from the top into the field around it.


Surrounding the pumpkin are 6 missing* townsfolk*. They attack with farm tools (DC12 Perception roll for any character within 10‘ to notice the vines and squash blossoms coiled about -or sprouting from?!- their shoulders and necks.)


The pumpkin is a* Yellow Squash Creeper.* Killing the Creeper releases the townsfolk from its influence.


A search of the giant squash reveals a 4' tall doorway cut into the rind that is sealed shut by a disc of yellow wax stamped with the image of a fanged wolf. Breaking the waxen seal and opening the rind door reveals the majority of the pumpkin is hollow and furnished as a simple cottage. Suspended by vines and tendrils of squash growing around and through it, in the center of the hollow gourd, is the corpse of a thoroughly dead leprechaun. There is a burlap bag holding 10 giant seeds [yellow squash creeper seeds] and a small iron pot with a lid containing 200 gold coins.


*The Fetch Drain*
The swamp is difficult terrain almost immediately upon entering it. For each hour of exploration in the swamp, roll a swamp encounter (d4). Don’t reuse results.
*1. HAZARD!* Quicksand, 10‘ diameter
*2. The Leech Mines:* You come to tiered paddies of muck. Two unarmed *lizardmen* in each paddy (10 total) periodically pull leeches out of the mire and put them in a sack. If attacked, they fight to the death. If approached peacefully, they won’t react at all.


A *giant leech* is in each paddy section with the lizardmen and readily attacks non-reptileans entering the mire.


The lizardmen are charmed. If the condition is removed, they cry “Mersssy!” before fleeing into the swamp. Established communication reveals “Mersssy” is the name of the “misstrissss in ruinsss.” They don’t know why they are mining leeches other than “for the mistress.” Any freed lizardmen can direct -but refuse to guide- the party to the Cracked Road. 
*3. FIGHT!* *3d10 stirges*
*4. The Cracked Road:* A stretch of road spanned this swamp long ago, now broken and overgrown, but provides a usable roadway (10‘ wide, 10’ over the swamp) straight into the heart of the swamp. The road is “cracked” in several places. Roll d6 each hour of travel. Results 1-2 indicates a gap in the road. Roll d10 to determine the number of feet of roadway missing. The party must figure ways across the gaps or fall into the mire.


After traveling the Cracked Road for d6 hours, it comes to an abrupt end at a mostly intact gatehouse before a leaning, curving, crumbling tower. 


*The Fang*
(DC15 Perception to notice the seal of red wax over the archway’s keystone stamped with an image of a fanged wolf). In the courtyard, at the entry to the 30' tall three-storied tower, stands a hulking dark grey figure. 


*At the Gate* is a *Lead Golem*. 8‘ tall, chaotic evil, and made of lead offering amazing resilience against magic, but mass and density restricts speed, it always loses initiative. It will attack anyone not with its mistress. 


*The Tower* is home to the new mistress of the swamp and the Fang, the beautiful vampire sorceress, _*Mercy*_. Her coffin is not in this tower. The first floor is a laboratory, including large jars filled with giant seeds, bits of vegetation, a leprechaun suspended in liquid, and a giant leech carcass strapped to a table. The second floor is set up as half parlor-half study, richly furnished (3 golem manuals among other valuables). Mercy is here. The third floor is unused, half its roof is missing. Mercy uses this to escape (in either bat or gaseous form), if necessary.


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## Rune (Oct 4, 2016)

*Round 1, Match 2: steeldragons vs. Rune*

*Bad Lead
Fang of Mercy
Cracked Road
Leech Mining
Wax Seal
Huge Pumpkin


Bloodletting*
_A 5e D&D adventure best suited for 4-5 2nd level characters. _

Once-prosperous, Irondelve is dying. Astride a broken road, in the shadow of Ironreach, whence ore and livelihood once flowed. Few folk remain. Superstitious. Scared. Beset by forces beyond their ken.

Bodies start appearing. One last week. This week, two. Friends. Neighbors. Pierced necks and drained of blood. Enter the PCs, to investigate for coin or curiosity. 

*Townsfolk talk:*


Evil spirits about. Mischief on outlying farms. Wails escape the underworld through abyssal cracks along the corroded Lonely Road. The wise ward themselves with trinkets and jack o' lanterns guard each house. 


Ol' Gordon is so frightened he's offered to carve his prized 400-pound pumpkin into a ward, unfinished at adventure's start. 


The woods are home to witches and warlocks. Entering them, especially at night, is downright foolish. 


Pumpkin-ward candles keep disappearing overnight.


Outside of town, an acting troupe, with performances each night. Sanguine, leading actor, causes trouble after shows.  Rowdy, heartthrob, drunken vandal. Also, very pale. And never seen during the day.

This last has people rumbling that the scoundrel is a vampire, a clue the PCs may wish to explore. This is a *bad lead*, however; hedonistic, nocturnal, and a legitimate threat to many a maiden's virginity, Sanguine is no undead monster. 

*Events:*


The night after the PCs arrive, Gordon's *huge pumpkin* is smashed to pieces and another body (with a single large hole in its neck), once Gordon's, is deposited at town's edge in stealth by two hooded humanoids. 


When the townsfolk make these discoveries (in the morning, unless the PCs hasten events), they form an angry mob, intent on staking Sanguine through his heart. The mob can be dispersed (if the PCs are so inclined) through violence, speech, or supernatural display. 


Townsfolk will disappear daily and their drained bodies will reappear nightly until the true cause is dealt with, or no townsfolk remain. 


If the PCs are about and alone on any morning, one may be attacked by two spies, who attempt to abduct the PC for delivery to the Bloodworks in the mines.

*The Wild:*

The wilderness watches the PCs. Herein, a secretive druidic order. A problem beyond their reach festers and, if the PCs will help, they are granted audience with the order's head:

Creature of legend, guardian naga, eternally bound to a sacred grove. Notably, a missing fang. 

*The naga speaks:*


The Lonely Road rapidly decays--entropy birthed beneath Ironreach, perhaps, but wilted life could merely be early winter's onset. 


The naga's druids are likewise bound; their role is naught but to preserve, to guard. 


Drained townsfolk are discarded outside the old mine. The druids return them to town so kin can find peace in laying them to rest. 


The villain is known. Compelled by geas, a condition of her mercy, to return ere a month has passed and compelled also to never be parted from the fang wrested from her maw.

*Bloodworks:*

In the mines, the Bloodsmith's *leech mining* operation. Hellish vapors roil from boiling vats, gradually eating even earth. Crates of labeled bottles, liquid sparkling red, blood stripped of essence. 

These read:_ "The Bloodsmith's Wonderous Arcanely Fortified and Purified Blood of Innocents! Use in Profane Rituals, Diabolical Rites, and Unusual Recipes! Better blood than you can harvest yourself! Well worth the price!"_

The Bloodsmith has two servants--spies--abductors of townsfolk. Mornings, they hunt a new sacrifice while the Bloodsmith prepares. Afternoons, they are stealthy sentinels outside while their employer drains the victim. Bottle after bottle is filled with blood drawn with a syringe fashioned from the naga's fang. 

The corrosive vapors that permeate the mines have made the fang brittle and porous. Thus, between uses, it is dipped into melted candle wax to form a seal. Without the *wax seal*, the fang cannot be used for bloodletting. 

Each hour underground brings a 50% chance of taking 2d6 acid damage. This usually kills captives long before exsanguination can. PCs and the Bloodsmith also face this hazard, but the Bloodsmith is a dragonborn with black dragon ancestry (use the same stats as a knight, but with +2 to Strength and Charisma, proficiency in deception and alchemist's supplies, acid resistance, and an acid breath weapon attack).

Should the PCs choose to show him mercy, it may not matter for long. A charlatan, with ambitions of fleecing wealthy and amoral arcanists and cultists. They will not be pleased once they have product in hand.


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## Iron Sky (Oct 4, 2016)

Have a busy day, but will attempt to read them and have my judgement complete before I go to bed tonight.


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## Iron Sky (Oct 5, 2016)

Round 1, Match 3 @Imonhotepthewise and [MENTION=786]GuardianLurker[/MENTION]

*Your Ingredients are:*

_Doomsayer
Starless Stream
Hungry Darkness
Forged Pardon
Dry Water
Arcane Gambler
_
You have until 10pm EST tomorrow to produce your entry. Good Luck,  and please remember not to edit your entry after you post it.

I will be the judge of this match.

For my complete judging process so there are no surprises:

[sblock]My definition of "Adventure": a tool designed to reduce the time and effort required by a GM to run quality RPG sessions. If you create an adventure that saves GMs creative _energy_ before and in-game, significantly reduces the amount of prep-_time _required, and produces _fun_ and a great play experience at the table, you have succeeded. If it fails in any of these, it has failed as an adventure.

I will read your entry multiple times, asking myself the following questions as I read and answering them in my judgement of your adventure. The questions are roughly in order of importance with the ones in italics generally worth about as much as the rest put together.

*First Pass* - Initial Appeal: _Does it have any "cool factors" - things that will elicit "neat", "cool", "awesome", or, best of all: "wow!"?_ Does it seem like an adventure that would be fun to play and an interesting premise to pitch to players? Is the entry fun to read or at least easy? Is the adventure clearly understandable? Is the editing appealing or at least legible? Are there typos?

*Second Pass* - Play-ability: _Do the players' choices or, at the very least, their presence in the adventure matter?_ Is all the cool stuff buried in the backstory or do the players get to see it too? Would this be fun and exciting to run? How easy (or difficult) would this be to GM? If it is linear, does it hide it well or will players complain about railroading? If it is more free-form, is there still enough structure that the GM can still run it without a ton of extra effort?

*Third Pass* - The Rules: _Was it turned in on time? Is the word count within limits?_ Are any ingredients used in an especially creative way? Was it clear what each ingredient was or were any obscure or vague? How essential are the ingredients: if I changed the words in any ingredient, would they no longer work? How interwoven were the ingredients with each other and how essential was each to the adventure? Aside from their main use, were any ingredients used in other clever ways?

*Comparison*: Once all three passes are complete on each entry, I will compare each entry's First, Second, and Third passes individually. Whichever I deem is stronger on two out of three will advance to the next round.

Notice in the Third Pass that I'm a stickler for the rules - many  "real life" contests and/or writing gigs have strict submission  requirements, miss those and it likely doesn't matter how cool your  stuff is they'll likely chuck it. Sure, this is just a "for fun" contest on the internet, but  this is IronDM, not CopperDM; you know what you signed up for. 

I will be using the word counter linked above, remember you get your title and the ingredients list for free.[/sblock]


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## Rune (Oct 5, 2016)

Ooo. Fun set of ingredients!


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## Imhotepthewise (Oct 5, 2016)

And. Here. We. Go!


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## Iron Sky (Oct 5, 2016)

O... M... G... I just typed up the whole comprehensive Match 2 Judgement - at the very least 10 pages worth - then hit post and got the "Invalid Token" message so it's all... gone. Right after I hit send, I remembered to always get a copy before posting, but I was too late.

When I recover, I'll write up a new - likely much, much, much more concise version. Hopefully will still get it done tonight, but no promises. By tomorrow at the latest.

Sorry. :/


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## Rune (Oct 5, 2016)

Ack! Been there, had the heart attack! Any chance the forum's auto save kicked in somewhere along the way?

(And 10 pages? That's quite comprehensive, sir!)


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## Iron Sky (Oct 5, 2016)

Edit: no auto save, the message I just posted about it being eaten is all it brings up when I go back. Ah well, such is life I guess (or suck is life in this case)...


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## Rune (Oct 5, 2016)

If you go to reply, your text box might have a tag asking if you want to restore an auto saved version. Happens periodically (not sure how often). Also happens when you preview the post. Don't know if it happens in all browsers, though.


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## steeldragons (Oct 5, 2016)

Right click, hit Undo until the text comes back? No? Usually works for me (though I've only recently discovered it). 

I'd really like to see the ten page version.  I kid! I kid! Whenever you can [MENTION=60965]Iron Sky[/MENTION] . We'll live/be here.


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## Iron Sky (Oct 5, 2016)

I'm now writing this in OpenOffice so the Invalid Token monster doesn't eat another massive post. Ugh, so hard to get fired up to start writing when you've just spent hours on something and it is just gone. *Sigh* This will be much more concise, perhaps for the better as in case I was rambling in the last version.

 Before I dive in to each adventure, know that these ingredients are... sub-optimal. This is my first time judging and my ingredients selection was bad enough that after I posted them and I thought about what I might do if it was me competing and realized just how hard (using a nicer word) they are. At least you both got to suffer equally.

 Also, as a judge I will be expecting interesting, complete, and easy-to-run adventures even though as a past competitor, I know how brutal and limiting the 750 word count is and that what I'm expecting is practically impossible given how limiting that is. If I come across as harsh, it's because I'm expecting more than it is reasonable to expect from a couple pages.

 [sblock=Bloodletting]
*Appeal*
_Does it have any "cool factors" - things that will elicit "neat", "cool", "awesome", or, best of all: "wow!"?_ 

 The first sentence is an amazing hook. The jack'o'lantern wards went from "neat" to "cool" when I looked up that people actually used them to ward off evil spirits. The wailing cracks along the road, the name Bloodsmith (the reality let me down somewhat), fighting in an acid-choked mine, all this was pretty neat.

_Does it seem like an adventure that would be fun to play and an interesting premise to pitch to players?_ 

 The first sentence is an amazing pitch and would sell most groups right off. Let's see what the players get to do: they show up, ask some questions, end up halting (or leading, being PCs) a mob to execute a "vampire", they are contacted by naga druids (I'm assuming) that tell them to go get back the fang (I'm assuming), then they fight a dragonborn and a couple "spies" (their primary activity is kidnapping/abducting, not spying) in a mine full of deadly vapors. Sounds like a pretty fun session or two.

 They might even face a tough decision trying to determine (and convince the villagers) whether there's enough evidence to kill a man, which makes for good gaming.

_Is the entry fun to read or at least easy?_ 

 The poetic language is a great way to save words and mostly works well, though occasionally it comes off a bit stilted. It is generally a clean, straightforward read.

_Is the adventure clearly understandable?_ 

 And this is the major place the adventure seems to fall down. After the actor-saving (or -staking), do the druids contact the PCs? It's not a huge assumption, but it isn't explicit exactly how the druids meet up with the PCs. If the PCs don't help, does the adventure end? That one isn't too bad, compared to the next one.

 The sentence where the adventure broke for me was "Compelled by geas, a condition of her mercy, to return ere a month has passed and compelled also to never be parted from the fang wrested from her maw." The villain is compelled (by whom?) to return the fang in a month taken from the naga as a condition of  mercy... mercy for who doing what? And this villain subdued(?) the guardian naga (a creature of legend with a band of guardian druids bested by an alchemist and two spies) that a group of 2nd level PCs are then expected to defeat in an acid-laced mine? If the fang is going to be returned anyway (in less than two weeks), why do the druids care that the PCs get it back now? If the druids care enough to return the bodies of the townsfolk, couldn't they drop a note that said "Ware the murdering kidnappers in the mine"?

 I've read it about five or six times now and I still don't know what the hell happened between the Bloodsmith and the naga in the first place.

_Is the editing appealing or at least legible? Are there typos?_

 Editing is clear, headings split the space well, bullet points are used well. Didn't notice any typos.

*Playability*
_Do the players' choices or, at the very least, their presence in the adventure matter?_ 

 So let's see what happens if the players don't show up: everyone in town is killed (or run off – I don't know why people would stay after half the town has shown up dead), the actor is staked, the naga gets her tooth back, and the Bloodsmith is murdered by some warlock for messing up his rituals with crappy blood. Essentially, the PCs matter for keeping the town alive and (maybe) saving the actor, though being PCs they might stake him themselves. It would be a bit stronger if the tooth didn't already have a return clause and the Bloodsmith wasn't pretty much already doomed. Still, I've seen much worse.

_Is all the cool stuff buried in the backstory or do the players get to see it too?_ 

 One advantage of 750 words its there's very little backstory to bury stuff in. The PCs presumably hear some version of the hook, get to see the jack'o'wards and most of the other stuff, so I think this is pretty solid.

_Would this be fun and exciting to run?_ 

 The PCs would probably have a blast, at least up until the point where they've saved (or murdered) the actor and the druids show up and let them know it had nothing to do with it. Some parties might think it's a cool twist, but others might just ask "so why didn't you show up to tell us this _before_ the actor was put on trial?" There's no real personalities to interact with in town aside from the actor, the naga is somewhat interesting, and a battle in acid mines amid a blood draining alchemy getup would probably be pretty cool.

_How easy (or difficult) would this be to GM?_ 

 As short as it is, it seems pretty cut-and-dried. You'd have to make up some townsfolk, figure a personality for the naga, and make up your own story for whatever the hell happened between the Bloodsmith and the naga though.

_If it is linear, does it hide it well or will players complain about railroading? If it is more free-form, is there still enough structure that the GM can still run it without a ton of extra effort?_

 If you allow the PCs to investigate around town however they want, it will feel pretty open. After that (assuming you figure out how the druids work), its just a straight shot to the show down.

*The Rules*
_Was it turned in on time? Is the word count within limits?_ 

 Yes and yes.

_Are any ingredients used in an especially creative way? Was it clear what each ingredient was or were any obscure or vague? How essential are the ingredients: if I changed the words in any ingredient, would they no longer work? How interwoven were the ingredients with each other and how essential was each to the adventure? _ 

 Let's tackle these all together by going through each ingredient, then all as a whole:

*Bad Lead* – this was used about how I'd expect it to be and it was clear where it was. This one is fairly immutable for word replacement, though you could potentially leave it out entirely and instead of the red herring have the PCs investigations lead them to the mine instead of being "saved" by the nagites.

*Fang of Mercy –* the fang itself used as a syringe was unexpected, though you could have had it be a hollowed bone for a similar effect. I have zero idea how the "Mercy" part fits in. It was pretty key in the adventure.

*Cracked Road* – aside from the town being on it, the road is pretty unimportant. We don't even know explicitly if the mine is on it, so theoretically the PCs could come cross-country, then head out away from the road to the mine. The fact that the road is degrading is presumably because of the corrosive vapors from the mines, though the lack of a line saying "the Cracked Road leading to the mines" makes it unclear what the road corrosion has to do with the mines. Again, I can figure out this is probably what was intended when it was written, but explicit is better than hopefully implicit. As is, you could leave this out entirely and only lose a bit of (albeit neat) flavor about the wailing rifts near it.

*Leech Mining* – at first I thought this was pretty clever and when I first saw Bloodsmith I hoped it was some mad alchemist using chemicals to extract blood iron to make stuff. Alas, there isn't really mining going on, and even if you use it as an analogy, mining is usually going for the useful bits, while this guy seems to be purposely removing the essence so the "tailings" can be sold as a scam instead. I guess the essence is being leeched out (changing the meaning slightly and removing it from mining), but it begs the question why doesn't this dude just sell legit "Blood of Innocents" if there's such a demand for it? This is the heart of the adventure, however, so it is at least pretty central.

*Wax Seal –* I'm assuming the "spies" are nicking the candles for this from the jack'o'lanterns (do they ever spy? It seems like they mostly steal and kidnap) to make this – another implicit that would be better explicit – and wax being used to seal liquids in has been done for ages. Interestingly, the other thing people used to use to seal stuff was Lead, and I wondered when I was first reading if there might have been "Bad Lead" in the mines that would hold up so they had to use candle wax instead. This ingredient would be a bit stronger if the "spies" were actually mentioned stealing candles – especially since people skimming this to prepare for the game might miss it. Otherwise, solid use.

*Huge Pumpkin* – while the pumpkin itself isn't super strong – it's just a thing that gets destroyed to show Things Are Bad (and why is it destroyed? Do the jack'o'wards actually work? Why was this a threat?) - it does bring in the cool jack'o'lanterns and handily tie this ingredient to the Wax Seal. Making them jack'o'lanterns make this pretty irreplacable, at least for the modern "pumpkin-only" conception of jack'o'lanterns. A better use than I originally thought.

 As for tying them together, my favorite way I've seen judges do this is try to make the simplest sentence they can to tie them together. Assuming my assumptions of things not made explicit are correct, here's my go:

 The PCs arrive on in a town where folk are being kidnapped, follow one *Bad Lead* before following the *Cracked Road* to an Bloodsmith *Leech Mining* blood from villagers via the *Fang of Mercy* patched with *Wax Seals* made from candles purloined from jack'o'lanterns like the one that was to be made of the destroyed *Huge Pumpkin*. Not the cleanest sentence ever, but at least you can make one... I've seen some where it's a stretch.

 I'd say the Fang, Seals, Leeching are intricately tied together and fairly essential, the Huge Pumpkin itself is less so but for the jack'o association while the Cracked Road (as is) is decoration and the Bad Lead, while one of the better sets of scenes in the adventure (the only ones where players have to actually make a significant choice) is pretty much unrelated.

_Aside from their main use, were any ingredients used in other clever ways?_

  Each one had a sole use, so this one is pretty cut-and-dried.

*Summary*

 Given the word limit, the adventure is not bad. If it weren't for the unfortunately key backstory _and _finale transition sentence being so crushingly unclear, this adventure would have been pretty rock solid, especially given how b̶a̶d̶  hard the ingredients were. The hook had me totally sold, but unfortunately, like a great trailer for an entertaining movie with a massive plot hole near the end, it left me disappointed that it didn't live up to its full potential.

And yes, this is the concise version. My original was almost double this length. Maybe losing everything wasn't a complete waste.
 [/sblock]

 [sblock=The Horror Harvest of Hoargath]
*Appeal*
_Does it have any "cool factors" - things that will elicit "neat", "cool", "awesome", or, best of all: "wow!"?_ 

 The writing of the hook isn't especially compelling, essentially "go to the place, find the dude, and get rid of him." Once you get past it however, the fighting a giant pumpkin mind-controlling villagers with its tentacle-creepers? Cool. Stumbling across lizardfolk harvesting leeches in a swamp? Also pretty cool.

_Does it seem like an adventure that would be fun to play and an interesting premise to pitch to players?_ 

 Hey, how about hiking through a swamp to kill a wizard in a tower? Premise not especially compelling, but at least gives a pretty exact idea of what to expect. That said, I can see players enjoying the battling the puppeteer pumpkin or staring at leech-farming lizardfolk in utter bemusement and trying (with frustration at the language gap) attempting to figure out what they are doing. Getting over pits (cracks) is a staple for these presumably low-level PCs, and fighting vampires is good fun. It's general idea is pretty simple, but it probably has enough different bits to keep players interesting.

 One significant drawback: while the adventure is simple, I believe any good game is about player choices, the more torturous the better. This adventure offers one significant choice: do we go on it or not? More on this later.

_Is the entry fun to read or at least easy?_ 

 There are some good bits of description like the giant pumpkin vines and the weird leprechaun-in-suspension inside the huge squash. Using "you" instead of "they" was also somewhat off-putting as presumably the reader is the DM and not the players (cheaters!); why would the DM be seeing this stuff? That said, the writing is clear and it was a quick read.  

_Is the adventure clearly understandable?_ 

 What's up with the leprachauns? I really have no idea. I even looked up leprachauns in an attempt to figure out what they meant. What do they have to do with vampires? The Squash Creeper is clearly related to the vampire via the leprachaun hint, but what is its purpose? Guard the edge of the swamp? As a GM I could use a sentence of backstory explaining that (the 10 words it would cost you would be worth it).

 Otherwise, this adventure seems simple, clear-cut, and linear. Sometimes people say that word like it's a bad thing, but I think the d4 swamp gives it just enough of that exploration vibe that players probably won't notice or care. You don't watch formulaic sitcoms expecting startling new developments, but that doesn't stop billions of people from watching them.

_Is the editing appealing or at least legible? Are there typos?_

The large headers are great for visually separating sections of the adventure.

However, the (likely) unintentional double-spaces between paragraphs - a common artifact when copying from a document - put a slight delay that probably isn't intended and give a couple bits unnatural emphasis that probably wasn't intended such as the Yellow Squash Creeper and giant leech sections. The giant gap in the middle of #2 breaks the flow of that section considerably.

*Playability*
_Do the players' choices or, at the very least, their presence in the adventure matter?_ 

 Okay, so what happens if the players don't show up? The Squash Creeper keeps collecting villagers, the lizardfolk keep collecting leeches from the swamp, and the vampire goes about her business. The last two don't seem very pressing (I'd think most people would be thrilled the vampire has settled for leeches over necrophying townsfolk!) though I guess since Mercy created the Squash, she might make more. Not a ton of real urgency once the killer pumpkin is put down, though if the players are determined to put down Hoargath, they'd probably go for it.

 So they need to be present at least, but aside from what to do with the lizard folk, they PCs pretty much make no interesting (non-tactical) choices. If instead of rolling a d4 they had to choose a path, say, one on a cracked road swarming with stirges and the other through a seemingly empty swamp, at least they'd have the illusion of some control.

_Is all the cool stuff buried in the backstory or do the players get to see it too?_ 

 The most interesting parts are the ur-pumpkin and the leech farmers, so, yes. There isn't much room for backstory here, though I could use a tiny bit about what Mercy's plans are with the squash and what's up with the damn leprechauns.

_Would this be fun and exciting to run?_ 

 It is fun in the way an action movie is fun. We're not going for anything momentous, just having some interesting fights in varied locations. I think it doesn't promise much, but what it does promise, it delivers almost exactly.  

_How easy (or difficult) would this be to GM?_ 

 Almost trivially easy. As long as your players are down to go kill an evil wizard in a swamp anyway.

_If it is linear, does it hide it well or will players complain about railroading? If it is more free-form, is there still enough structure that the GM can still run it without a ton of extra effort?_

 Aside from the minor variety in the swamp "exploration" this adventure is completely linear. It would still make for a good one-shot in the way delves do, but it is one d4 away from a complete railroad.

*The Rules*
_Was it turned in on time? Is the word count within limits?_ 

 Yes and yes.

_Are any ingredients used in an especially creative way? Was it clear what each ingredient was or were any obscure or vague? How essential are the ingredients: if I changed the words in any ingredient, would they no longer work? How interwoven were the ingredients with each other and how essential was each to the adventure? _ 

 One-be-one:

*Bad Lead* – this was fairly creative, an evil lead golem. Unfortunately, it could have just as easily been an iron golem. Its "lead-ness" is recursive – it's lead because it's slow and heavy because it's lead. There's nothing in the adventure that makes it _have_ to be lead. It also could be removed from the adventure without anyone knowing it was ever supposed to be there.

*Fang of Mercy* – this one is kind of a cop-out. Both of the words are proper nouns, the names of things, neither of which are exceptionally related to their owners. Sure the tower is kinda like a fang and Mercy's seal has wolf fangs on it, but there is no actual fang and no actual mercy. They are the final destination of the adventure which makes them somewhat essential, but there's no requirement even that it be a tower in the swamp – it could just be a cave, a big rotten tree, whatever.

*Cracked Road* – the main path to the tower, it is both a road (easier path than natural terrain to a destination) and cracked (enough that it is inconvenient). It's also decently interesting (who builds a road into a swamp?) This one is rock solid (no pun intended).

*Leech Mining* – this one was pretty clever and creative, but one slight quibble is that the mining was no more mining than you would mine apples to make apple juice. Leech Harvesting would be more appropriate. Unfortunately, while it is a cool episode, you could remove it without even noticing (if you roll the Road before the lizardfolk, you would, too).

*Wax Seal –* the seal links the pumpkin to the tower, letting the players know that they've gotten to the root of things. On the pumpkin it also seals it closed, making it more essential that it be a seal and not, say, a banner. You could leave it out, but at the detriment of tying the first and last encounters together (though the damn leprechauns perform the same function).

*Huge Pumpkin* – as much as I like how this ingredient is used and that it is referred to as a pumpkin, it is called a _Yellow Squash_ Creeper – yellow squash being significantly different from pumpkins. There is no essential pumpkinness to it that couldn't be replaced by any other large, rinded, vined plant (other squash types, watermelon, etc). There's also not a clear link between what squash and vampires have to do with each other.

 So let's try a sentence: The party heads into a swamp looking for the Fang of Mercy, on the way facing a Huge Pumpkin bearing Mercy's Wax Seal, then maybe encountering some Leech  Mining before they find the Cracked Road and fight a Bad Lead golem at the Fang. Herein lies a difficulty – none of these ingredients really tie together well. I know that is partially an issue with the p̶o̶o̶r̶  difficult ingredients I selected, but this sentence is essentially an "and then" plot (like the new Star Wars, incidentally). They fight a big pumpkin _and then_ they find some leech harvesters _and then_ they find the road, etc. None of these necessitates the next one or even usually ties into it in any indelible way.

_Aside from their main use, were any ingredients used in other clever ways?_

 As far as I could tell, they were all single use.

*Summary*

 This adventure's linearity makes it simple, easy, and yet lacking depth, like a B-action movie you can watch in the background while doing your homework, texting your significant other, or working on your taxes. You don't have to think which, for many TV-watchers may be a plus, but for games removes much of their underlying game-ness. While many ingredients are clever and interesting, they do it almost entirely in isolation from one another. At least it never makes itself out to be anything but.
 [/sblock]

[sblock=Comparison]
 When I said I lost the whole judgement, I lied somewhat in the heat of the moment: I lost everything above this when I tried to preview it to make sure my sblocks were working. So, as of right now, I have no idea which adventure won.

 Rune's Bloodletting (hereafter Blood) offers a compelling hook leading to a decent adventure with surprisingly well-connected ingredients then explodes near the end due to the most important sentence in the adventure being devastatingly unclear.

 Meanwhile, steeldragon's Horror Harvest of Hoargath (hereafter Horror) never sets itself out to be anything more than a little side-jaunt, exactly fulfills its expectations, while leaving its ingredients standing apart with only the faintest threads connecting them.

 Let's see how it plays out:

*Appeal*
_Cool factors_* – *Blood's hook was great and the jack'o'lanterns were pretty neat with a bit of research but players don't directly interact with either. Horror's battle-pumpkin and leech farmers they PCs run into first-hand (assuming correct dice rolls). Blood had a few other decent bits that were interesting, but not enough to bump this above a draw.  

_Other Appeal - _ Blood had great formatting, an interesting "trial" and atmospheric boss fight, and an excellent hook. Then it trips and falls flat right near the crescendo with a naga-fight-fang-theft-misuse-villain-geas-mercy-mine-hunt. Got it? Me neither.

 Horror's formatting was not as clean, had a decent hook, a cool fight and a few other set piece battles, a strange swamp scene, and jogs on seamlessly right to the boss fight.

 So Blood had easier formatting, a better hook, and overall more interesting language. Yet it also had the nega-naga debacle that stymies up the backstory, the key to understanding what the whole thing is about, so...

 Blood had most of the cards, then dropped them at a key moment. On first glance, it would be the one I'd pick to run... except for the parts I have to intuit and the little part where I have no idea what the hell the back story is. That major tripping point almost gives it to Horror, but then I realize that one of my two favorite scenes is only going to happen 50% of the time or so. The naga confusion is still strong enough to give this section to Horror.

*Playability*
_Players matter and have choices_ – In Blood, the players are saving villagers and the rest sorts itself out. However, they do a decently interesting choice and a few minor ones.

 In Horror, if the PCs do nothing, the psychic pumpkin steals more villagers and the vampire presumably just keeps doing her thing. They get only minor choices at best.

_Other playability* –*_ Horror is much more linear, but also much easier to run. Horror does pack more drama in simply by having more scenes (pumpkin, lead golem, vampire, 2-3 of quicksand, leech, stirge, road) vs (investigate, actor, naga, mine).

 Players are about equally essential in both adventures, though Blood does (for some reason) build in the naga-fang-return and Bloodsmith-comeupance automatically into the adventure, reducing the role of the PCs. I like the extra scenes in Horror, though most are just quick filler battles and one of the most interesting scenes might be missed. I'll give this section to Blood by a slice since there is almost a complete absence of meaningful player choice in Horror.

*Rules*
_Time and word count –_ Yes.

_Ingredients –_ It comes down to this.

 I think Blood's ingredients about half were both strong and key to the adventure, with the others a mix of strong and removable or weak and key.

 While Horror's ingredients were weaker individually (though generally more creative), it is their lack of interconnection that really cinches this one. Blood had the Fang, Seal, and Mining that were all heavily intertwined, with the pumpkin also vaguely connected. Horror had a weak link between the pumpkin and the seal.

 Blood takes this section by a decent margin.
 [/sblock]

 [sblock=Conclusion]
 Closing thoughts (tl;dr of the above):

 Blood was generally the more interesting (from DM and player standpoint), more richly worded, and more vague and unfinished-feeling adventure. If it weren't for the (perhaps unintentional) bit of player freedom gained by the Bad Lead/actor hunt, even the much stronger usage of ingredients wouldn't have saved it from that one crippling sentence that stopped me cold every time I read it. I was impressed by how well Rune tied the ingredients together.

 Horror was clear-cut, simple, and felt absolutely complete as is – a significant statement given the 750 word limit. However, the lack of interconnection between ingredients made them individually dismissable. If there had been even one significant player choice (even a semi-informed path A or path B through the swamp) you probably would have taken it, steeldragons.

 Well done to both of you either way. It was brutally close on both Appeal and Playability and another judge might have called it differently. In all the years of IronDM, I've only had one set of ingredients that left me totally cold at first glance and these were worse than that.

 Well-played @_*steeldragons*_, congratulations @_*Rune*_!

Rune advances to round 2.
 [/sblock]

Yeah, this is the shorter version.

 I'm going to bed.


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## steeldragons (Oct 5, 2016)

Congratulations, Rune. 

Oh well. There's always next year. Look forward to reading the rest of the entries and future rounds.

Interesting [maybe] that there was a period in the writing of this that I was thinking of going full on "Cult of he Reptile God" and use a naga for Mercy instead of a vamp. That wouldn't been kinda funny.

RE: Horror
All of the things that were mentioned in the judgement would have been GREAT/nice to have or do...while it was consciously meant to be pretty straightforward/linear on purpose.

It's not possible (for me), in an coherent way, in 750 words. The very first run through of the "overview" took me to 660 words. hahaha! After chopping that BACK (not even the final version), my initial severely self-limiting complete write up came to 1044 words. Everything was significantly more descriptive. Then there was an additional segment of the adventure that got chopped (and might have been that connective element, IronSky was looking for). The swamp encounters, initially was a d8 (instead of d4). Would either of those things had made it seem less linear? Probably not significantly, no. Though it seems I should have left the Leech Mine a separate encounter (as it originally was) to insure the PCs would HAVE to run into it.

It was, as Iron Sky noted, a simple delve that was intended to be a simple delve...a "5-room dungeon"...in a swamp, basically...but also something that could, hypothetically, be used as is or rolled into a larger more involved/further campaign.

I guess my hopes that the leprechauns might be picked up as a secondary meaning for "bad lead" was a miscalculation. They originally had a lot more going on. But the "What are the leprechauns for?!" frustration of Iron Sky means, I suppose, they worked as intended on the "engage the players/make them wonder" level I was also going for... getting the players to ask that same question would/could fuel any number of future scenarios.   

On the Golem: I'm sorry it wasn't tied to anything, but my first reading of "Bad Lead" in my head, immediately sounded as "led" [the metal]. I noticed right away, "Ohhh. bad 'leed.'" The error amused me, so I just went with the bad 'led.' Just thought it was funny.

The tower was going to be individual encounters per floor.  Monsters had (severely truncated: AC, HP, attacka nd damage I think) stats. That all went the way of the dinosaur to get me to, roughly 820-something. And the rest was rewording and re-rewording and/or deleting sentences...and then a few more...and a few more...and lots of things (like any hope of explicating what Mercy is trying to do/accomplish) got thrown by the wayside. Fortunately before I even had to worry about it because I already knew I was way over. 

One thing, it seems I could have left in was the giant leech carcass strapped to the slab in the tower originally had "vegetative tendrils grafted to it." i was hoping leaving the seed and vegetative bits in the jars in the lab, maybe it would come across anyway. (the leeches were really just snacks: so, there, again, challenging the players, "Why is the vampire eating leeches? Maybe she's not evil? -she totally is and would rip your throat out as soon as look at you- but make the players wonder.) But at 756 words, you have to make the tough -judgement- calls. I needed those 5 words gone...or something else (that, ultimately, I deemed more important) wasn't going to be able to make sense. Would they have made a difference? Maybe not.

The minefield that is editing. 

ANYwho, thank you [MENTION=60965]Iron Sky[/MENTION] for your thorough analyses and reasoned judgement. Thanks and congrats again [MENTION=67]Rune[/MENTION], again, for the round. Good luck in the next one.

WRITE ON, IRON DMs!


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## Rune (Oct 5, 2016)

[sblock=Self-Analysis & Commentary Written Prior to Judgement]So, I started out by brainstorming an adventure in which an unscrupulous mine-owner was trying to sell a depleted iron mine and needed to fake production from the mine. He was testing giant leeches on miners (providing bodies for a mystery hook) and then using a giant lodestone to pull iron from the blood. Then, he captured a cloud giant to start for real. Unbeknownst to him, the giant, having been shown mercy from a naga in earlier days, had adopted a new philosophy, becoming a vegetarian. Unfortunately, options for giant varieties of vegetables are limited, so the giant was anemic. Brilliant!

But very problematic. The giant and the naga's backstory were convoluted and added nothing to the adventure--and it gave the PCs nothing to work with. Even finding a way to give the PCs all of that exposition would take hundreds of words that I couldn't begin to afford. And it wouldn't matter. The cloud giant had to go. 

The mine-owner was boring. And his plan was stupid (like, he couldn't have come up with a more convoluted plan to acquire trace amounts of iron if he tried). And he didn't even need the leeches to do it, anyway. Ugh. Gone. 

I wanted to keep the visuals of the leech mining operation (a play on words with "leach mining," but I'll get back to that). And I still needed a way to make the naga's mercy relevant. Thus, the villain was the recipient of said mercy after snagging a trophy from the naga since the naga only cares about guarding something he was never interested in. Great! But way too much exposition, all of it detailing history, and none of it stuff the PCs could use. It had to go. 

Instead, I hinted at its existence, gave the DM hooks to build on and focused on providing levers that the PCs could actually pull on. A gamble, but one I had to make. Fortunately, the naga gets two castings of geas per day and nothing in the spell description prevents someone from being simultaneously affected by multiple geasa. Finally, the mercy element had something the PCs could grab on to.

Now, all I had to do was trim 400 words, or so. I adopted a staccato tone (that I sometimes use for other reasons). I cut more and more exposition. I did my best to suggest atmosphere as efficiently as possible. And I made sure that _every single bit_ of information the PCs could come across was a clue to something that was going on. But, I didn't call them out. There simply was no room in my word count to do anything but trust the DM to see them and use them as desired. That was the foundation upon which I built the adventure. 

This was a tough set of ingredients. "Leech Mining" provides instant cool imagery, but nothing it suggested made any actual sense. Mining for leeches? Why? How? Mining by leeching? For what gain? The only thing that kind of made sense was that whatever the product, it wouldn't be profitable unless it was _very_ overpriced. Added to that, I wanted to sneak in some connection to actual leach mining (a process by which acid is poured into ore to form a solution from which minerals are extracted). Tricky. 

"Fang of Mercy." At first, I made it a magic item (constructed from the naga's fang). Basically a MacGuffin. I tried naming the naga Mercy because of her show of it. Cheesy. Finally, I had to settle for a loose connection between the actual fang, the villain, the naga, and the PCs. Much more of a reach than I wanted it to be, but it kind of works if you squint hard enough. 

"Bad lead" This is actually the only element I knew was staying, in its final form, right from the start. And it's a red herring. I kind of folded this one over on itself, as well. Sanguine is a bad lead because he is a bad-boy leading actor as well as being a red herring. Clever. Except that, being a red herring, it is unnecessary to the adventure. Unless...I then fold the adventure back in on him! Exactly the kind of scenario I'd like to run (although I could totally see my players saying, "Screw it. He's a vampire. Let him die!"). 

"Huge pumpkin" provides atmosphere and insight into the town, but it also serves as a clue to what's been going on. As such, the PCs' interaction with it is subtle, but not nonexistent. We'll see how that goes. Likewise with "Cracked Road."

Finally, "Wax Seal" was pretty easy to incorporate from the start. Once I knew I was working with blood, I could find a place for a nonporous seal. Only problem was: boring. I thought about doing something like a blood elemental kept at bay by the seal, but I couldn't afford the words to stat it up (same reason the Bloodsmith is not a spell caster, by the way). I settled for making the seal integral to the villain's work. Still kind of boring, but at least it gives the PCs something to mess with. 

All in all, this is hardly the best entry I've ever put forth. It is perhaps a slight bit too ambitious for its word count (and this was the stripped-down version!). But I think I could enjoy running it. Or playing in it. So that's good. [/sblock]

[sblock=Having Read the JudgementYa know, it never even occurred to me that I had written in a built-in eventual solution to the town's problems (if anyone remained by then) via the two geasa on the Bloodsmith. My actual intent was a little dumber: the Bloodsmith had to return within the spells' durations so the naga could recast them. That, and the geasa were intended to be usable by the PCs as leverage against the Bloodsmith, if they chose. Very unclear, though. Oh well. 

For anyone actually trying to run this thing, the backstory of the naga's mercy to the Bloodsmith doesn't matter to the adventure, which only cares that it exists. However, insight into the two characters' motivations would certainly make running them easier. There is room for DMs to come up with something better, but here's the simple version:


Bloodsmith seeks out naga for rare alchemical ingredient (fang).
Bloodsmith manages to wrest fang from naga. Somehow.
Naga beats him down pretty handily, because: naga.
Naga spares Bloodsmith's life because Bloodsmith is not interested in the grove she guards (her sole reason for existing).
Naga's mercy is not unconditional (because the guardian naga is not just good, but also lawful).
Two geasa compel the Bloodsmith to return (with the fang--meaning no use as an ingredient) before the duration runs out (in retrospect, with different wording, this could have been handled with one geas). This was meant to act like a parole period. Good behavior would mean extension of the parole. Bad behavior--probably not.
Implication is that being unable to use fang as an ingredient forces Bloodsmith to fake potency of his product.

It also never occurred to me that a DM might have the druids intervene in the mob scene; I left much unsaid, but it seemed clear enough to me that the druids didn't do that kind of proactive stuff. Eh. Might actually help the adventure if they did show up. 

The whole second act with the druids is actually skippable. If the Bloodsmith's servants (why are they spies? Because the Monster Manual doesn't have stats for stealthy thugs and I didn't have room to quibble) capture a PC, or if the PCs follow/interrogate them, they might lead them strait to the mines. Following the cracked road would also lead them there (though, admittedly, I only implied that). Things would be much easier for the PCs if they met the druids first, but it isn't crucial. 

On the subject of subtle clues: it actually doesn't bother me that the DM might miss their significance. As long as they are presented to the players and all point toward the advancement of the adventure (as they do in this case), the players will certainly find some thread to follow further into the adventure. 

Finally, regarding the mundane nature of the Bloodsmith. I hated to do it. The adventure would have been so much cooler if his bottled blood was the real deal. Only problem was, _it made absolutely no sense_. Why couldn't his customers just save themselves the money and get the blood on their own? Fixing that would require that the Bloodsmith be very powerful and probably a spellcaster, which would cause so very many problems that couldn't be fixed in 750 words. Silver lining: if the Bloodsmith had already worked out a distribution network, there are lots of hooks the PCs can follow leading out of the adventure. 

All that said, I can't really disagree with the judge's critiques. Especially the big one. In my defense (such as it is) these _were_ a very tough set of ingredients, especially for a 24-hour, 750-word entry! Thanks to   [MENTION=60965]Iron Sky[/MENTION] for a well-reasoned, well-articulated judgement! (And just about the right length, too!)

Anyway, good show,   [MENTION=92511]steeldragons[/MENTION]. I don't think I've seen a more action-packed adventure squeezed into 750 words. And creepy! That pumpkin scene at the beginning grabbed me, too!

If you had done any one of the following two things, I think you would have beaten me:


Linked your ingredients more.
Provided some meaningful options for the PCs.
 [/sblock]


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## Rune (Oct 5, 2016)

steeldragons said:
			
		

> On the Golem: I'm sorry it wasn't tied to anything, but my first reading of "Bad Lead" in my head, immediately sounded as "led" [the metal]. I noticed right away, "Ohhh. bad 'leed.'" The error amused me, so I just went with the bad 'led.' Just thought it was funny.




Almost certainly not a mistake. When it comes to creating ingredients for IRON DM, the more possible interpretations, the better. It encourages more diversity between the entries, inspires more creativity, and makes the ingredients more interesting as ingredients.


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## Wicht (Oct 5, 2016)

Iron Sky said:


> I'm now writing this in OpenOffice




Experience is a hard teacher. 

I always write my longer posts out on a word processor rather than the boards for that very reason.


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## Wicht (Oct 5, 2016)

Rune said:


> Almost certainly not a mistake. When it comes to creating ingredients for IRON DM, the more possible interpretations, the better. It encourages more diversity between the entries, inspires more creativity, and makes the ingredients more interesting as ingredients.




My first instinct on reading bad lead was to think of the metal also. There is definitely no rule that says you must interpret the word according to any one, single definition.

Reading the judgment, and thinking of the ingredients, gave me some ideas of my own about how to incorporate them... I offer these as a fan of the contest, not as a judge or a critique of the entries themselves.
[sblock=Wicht's use of the Ingredients]
The Leech Mining makes me think of some sort of magical worms that travel incorporally through the ground and can be trained to harvest metals and gems... Perhaps one of these worms swallowed some lead metal, contaminated by a creature of chaos sleeping in the earth. The leech-worm, mutating into something monstrous comes crashing to the surface, and must be defeated. Now, though, those same energies are seeping up, following the magical path created by the worm, and these energies begin to mutate the local vegetation just as they mutated the leech-worm. Animals eating the vegetation grow into savage man-eating versions of their former selves. The pumpkins especially are affected and begin growing to monstrous proportions. A single patch threatens to crush the whole mining community, and strange giant beetles crawl within the vines, making homes in the gourds.  Investigation eventually leads the PCs down onto a cavernous path, one containing many dangerous cracks and crevasses that must be traversed with care.  At the end of which is a great stone double door, bound with brass, and sealed with a powerful wax seal, stamped with a mysterious sigil. The beast beyond is an ancient, monstrous entity. It lies sleeping within an ancient chamber, stymied by the seal on the door, and many such seals within, a large number of which are made of lead. It can only be slain by the sacred sword known as the fang of mercy. If the beast of chaos is not slain, the entire region may soon be overcome by the monstrous energies slowly seeping up through the ground.  [/sblock]


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## Iron Sky (Oct 5, 2016)

One thing I could have disclosed earlier that may make me a challenging judge for these forums: I don't play 5e D&D, never have, likely never will. After burning out of 4e, I walked off into level-less, skill-based games (like EPIC RPG) with a dabbling of more narrative games (like Dungeon World) and never looked back. I've played 15 years of D&D and know most of the tropes, but you hinge something on the specific mechanics of a 5e monster, I will fail you. That said, your theoretical adventure-purchasing audience includes brand-new DMs that couldn't spot the glabrezu at the neighborhood vrock-party, so maybe that's not all bad.

I stated in the beginning of my judgement that my response was going to probably be harsh as I was going to hold the adventures to an unrealistic standard (one I consider much more reasonable and reachable with round 2 and 3's higher word counts), but I did hold both adventures to that standard equally.

 @_*steeldragons*_, I realize Horror was essentially a 5-room dungeon, but it was missing several things that I think would have made it a great 5RD: 

A) it really only had 3 rooms with a couple potential (I.E. random) side-rooms: 1) the entrance guardian(pumpkin), the road(a hallway with some pits), 2) a second guardian(golem), and 3) a boss fight. Everything else lay at the whims of Fouramid, the god of triangular dice.

B) some sort of non-combat encounter that really challenges the players' _minds _- a puzzle, tough choice, a seemingly impossible situation that makes them sweat and think. The quicksand was essentially a simple trap (roll to notice; failing that, roll not to be pulled in; failing that, there might be a touch of player creativity if no one has a rope or the right spell prepared), the lizardfolk encounter doesn't require any interaction (players might simply say "they don't seem hostile, let's push on") and the swamp was just difficult terrain. Two of those three are potentially missed in the random path generator as well.

C) It also lacked a major twist and/or reversal. If lizardfolk had been a required encounter and the PCs needed fresh leeches for some reason to take out the vampire who had melded with a lead golem, that would have been interesting and set the players scrambling. Or if the lead golem was an unstoppable alchemical contraption fueled by leach-husks like a corn-husk-fueled ethanol bio-fuel engine, then maybe they could cut off the fuel source and bypass it, _or something_ other than a fight in a field, a walk through a swamp, a fight on a bridge, and a fight in a room.

In short, it challenged the characters (rolling dice, using up resources), but never really the _players_: they just had to sit back in their seats on the murder-hobo train until the next stop to kill some things. Making the pathing random made this potentially even worse.

Having 1d4 events and with only 1 required hurt the adventure. Think of a DM prep perspective for someone using this: they need to know what happens at each end of that d4 and if the DM rolls "Road" on the first shot, your adventure (designed to save them prep) has just made them waste three encounters worth of reading and planning, in addition to skipping one of the most interesting scenes.

As for making the players wonder about the leprechauns, that's great - just don't make the DM wonder as well. Remember, the DM is getting the adventure to save them time and creative energy and now they need to figure out what the deal with leprechauns is since you never said. Sometimes, on the spot like that, a satisfying answer is in short supply.

Lastly, I thought the Lead Golem the sort of cool, creative use I was hoping for (the metal is spelled "Lead" too). Only difficulty is there was no reason it needed to be there and with nothing tying it to any of the other ingredients...

 @_*Rune*_, my criticism of the naga bit is the same as steeldragon's leprachaun but on a much larger scale. You seem to say the backstory doesn't matter to the adventure. This may be the case with extraneous fluffy stuff that the PCs will never need to know, but in this case, that sentence is explaining to me - the DM running it - what the hell is going on. That the same sentence is also the last before the transition to the mines, which made it the last chance to explaining how and why they are going to the mines. It also fails to do this. If that sentence had been clear, my job would have been much easier, but it almost cost you this first round all on its own.

It doesn't help that even after your post-ruling explanation, I _still_ don't get what is going on. If the naga wanted her fang back and was able to geas him, how about "give me my damn tooth now" for a geas? Why does mercy for his unwarranted assault on her extend to letting him keep the tooth he knocked out? What did the naga expect the Bloodsmith was going to do with her fang? If she trusted him so little that she had to double geas him, why did she even let him take it in the first place?

Maybe the DM doesn't need to know all this if everything goes smoothly and the PCs do exactly what they are expected to (like that ever happens), but what if they start asking more questions? It's like watching a TV show where cool stuff is happening, but you eventually realize the writers are just making it up as they go (*cough* _Lost _*cough*) and suddenly it suspension of disbelief is suspended.

Also, if the druids aren't proactive enough to drop a warning note to the villagers, why would they be forward enough to track down a group of armed vagabonds and try to convince _them _to help? The lack of transition as to where and how the druids enter the picture make the whole druid chunk the anchor around what was otherwise a pretty good adventure's neck.

For players missing some clues, that's fine, normal, and business as usual, but the DM _has to know_ or they look like an idiot and the game might even break when a player figures everything out first and catches the DM off guard. If you've ever played a game with someone who knows the setting better than you, you have an excellent idea what this is like. Ever run Forgotten Realms for someone who has read R. A. Salvatore's _everything_ and you've only skimmed a couple chapters of the campaign setting? Run a Star Wars RPG with a player who owns Star Wars Trivial Pursuit? That on a small scale.

The last words I'll say about my opinion on these two entries are this:

Blood set out for an ambitious goal (a mystery investigation) and crashed hard near the end thanks to the giant plot hole / poorly explained and/or thought out scenario that anchored the whole deal.

Horror set out for a much more modest goal (a short delve) and succeeded in the barest fashion in large part due to lack of _player_ challenge.

Both of these are far better than I'd bet 90% of DMs out there could do with the ingredients, time-, and word-limits that were set and you were the ones willing to put your best efforts out in the public eye to be gutted. Don't take my critiques mean I'm not impressed with either of your efforts or the courage it takes to subject yourselves and your brain-children to criticism in the name of pushing yourselves to be better writers and GMs.

I'll save the rest of my words for tonight's judgement.

_Edit: spelled steeldragons' name wrong._


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## Imhotepthewise (Oct 6, 2016)

Please Don’t Eat The Preacher

Doomsayer
Starless Stream
Hungry Darkness
Forged Pardon
Dry Water
Arcane Gambler

After the Change, the land was covered in clouds and darkness.  The impenetrable clouds did not allow sight of sun, moon, or stars.  Mountains fell, rivers changed course, seas lowered or raised as they saw fit.  Every day since has been pretty much the same.

Locally, the Kaintuck Bend became an island. The Misspee river flowed around it north and south. The river shift trapped a sleeping *drow vampire* who became known as Belle Noir. The creature could not cross the *flowing dark water, devoid of the sparkle of any light from the sky.*

The bend had a small settlement of religious fundamentalists who had weathered the change only to fall victim to the hungry dark horror that rose from the grave. The only inhabitant *pardoned* was the *Preacher*, whose mad ramblings, damnings, doomings, accusations of sin, and twisted foretellings initially amused the black skinned, black haired, black fanged, and black eyed bloodsucking creature bathed in shadowy garments.  Among the many pronouncements, the Preacher waved his worn and floppy *Holy Book* at Belle, saying “You shall only leave here by flying over the reflections of stars.”

The settlement, now lesser vampires in Belle’s thrall, became the backbone of her plan to survive.  To continue the supply of fresh blood, Belle built a grim casino, catering to the intelligent undead and outsiders eager to wager most anything of value. The cover charge for the experience was live food on two legs.

Preacher continues to rail against casino staff and guests, waving his limbs and his ever-present Holy Book. The lesser vampires fear his book. No one will approach him, out of fear or out of disinterest. In her way, Belle is fond of him. The word got around that the Preacher is to be left alone.

A *hexslinging gambler* named Tenn’see Mike learned of the high stakes gaming.  He made it his business to learn as much about the casino as he could.  He spent many weeks in Nu Madrid, north of the bend, watching, questioning inhabitants and passers through. He learned of the Preacher and his Holy Book.  He formulated a plan to be the first human to sit at Belle’s gaming tables.

As the PCs pass through Nu Madrid, Mike makes nice with them, showing them card tricks and minor magical effects for entertainment.  The PCs feel like there is more to this simple hexslinger.  Mike offers them a job with a generous payment in advance.

Mike wants the Preacher’s Holy Book. If asked, he will freely tell most of what he has discovered. He offers to pay in advance because he will be following them in after a short while, and, without telling them, expects to use them as his cover charge, getting his money back.  He expects to protect himself with the book, and, if found in his possession by Belle, will confess that he found it without knowing who its owner was.  If the PCs ask if Mike has anything about Belle, he will say he can give her what she truly wants, if need be.  At night by the river, he will cast a spell opening a small hole in the cloud above, showing sparkles of stars on the water.

Mike tells the PCs how they, as living beings, will get to the island.  There is a *magically dry tunnel *through the water across the bottom of the Misspee river from Nu Madrid.  A patron of the casino cast the spell to allow itself and fellow patrons to clandestinely transport two legged living food to the island for the vampires.  The PCs just need to hold their breath and walk in until they are deep enough to reach the tunnel, and take another breath to walk out on the other side.

How the PCs obtain the book from Preacher is up to them.  Publicly killing him is probably a bad idea.  Making him quietly disappear alive or dead is better.  They may double cross Mike for the reward money.  They may attempt to bargain with Belle.  They could use the Holy Book to protect them and gamble themselves, if they can arrange the cover charge.

If anyone bothers to look inside the Holy Book, they will find it is full of the scrawled recipes of Preacher’s grandmother.  There is not a single holy word in it.  It is about as dangerous to the vampires as lint.  As a holy symbol, it is a *forgery*.


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## Iron Sky (Oct 6, 2016)

[MENTION=786]GuardianLurker[/MENTION], your entry is now late. Please post it whenever you are done.


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## GuardianLurker (Oct 6, 2016)

*5 + 1 Wizards*

[h1]The Wager's Corollary
_If the Gods are real, so are their Myths_[/h1]

[h2]Ingredients:[/h2]

 Doomsayer
 Starless Stream
 Hungry Darkness
 Forged Pardon
 Dry Water
 Arcane Gambler

[h2]Setup:[/h2]
You and your friends are relaxing in the beergarden of the Red Dragon's Inn by t
he Ållmaiden River, watching and laughing as the group of five  *very* drunk wizards are trying to gamble at the nearby table, or at least who can cheat the most outrageously, when the world ... twitches beneath you, and you feel the sound of a very large snap, or is it a crunch. Everything pauses, and just as you look up an
 see a dark slit in the daytime sky, the seer of the game stumbles up and over to you.

_The Pardon is lost.
The Hungry Darkness has opened, 
drinking the healing Tears.
Death walks down the Starless Stream.
As below, so above,
the Starless Stream hides 
the Forge of Forgiveness 
in the Dry Waters._

[h2]Investigation:[/h2]
The Allmaiden is more formally, and mythically, known as the River of the Allmaiden's Tears.

It flows past, or over, or by, a crystal prominence known as the Maiden's Regret, or the Maiden's Pardon.

The resulting waterfall (the Hero's Fall) marks the dividing line between the Allmaiden and the Mirrorless River. 

The Mirrorless River is so named because, even though it is placid and smooth, it reflects nothing.

[h2]The Dark Opening:[/h2]
When the characters arrive at the  Hero's Fall, they notice three things - 
1) the rip in the sky, that has been getting closer as they traveled, now begins directly overhead, 
2) the Pardon has been destroyed, and 
3) the river, instead of continuing on, now falls directly into a cave that looks like a fanged mouth.

Examining the rip, the characters can barely see a black-on-dark shape of a three-headed dragon.

Examining the remains of the Pardon reveals what looks to be a shattered jewelry box with veins of crystal emerging from its sides; the interior holds nothing, but the veins converge towards to a spot in the center, almost touching.

Descending into this cave is difficult as most of the water fills the cave, and the tunnel is essentially vertical for the first several hundred feet. Falling is lethal.

[h2]At the Bottom of the Falls:[/h2]
The only light down here is what the characters bring with them. The river flows off and away. As the characters follow it, the air gets colder and colder, and they start seeing ice appear in the river. Eventually, the river becomes a solid stream of ice, though it doesn't appreciably slow, and the environment keeps getting colder. Not long after the river is solid ice, it starts fragmenting into chunks, though it still flows. At this point the characters can see a glittering in the distance. That is a large large of ice pebbles. Bright light will reveal something dark deep in the ice.

The ice is supremely cold, and water is instantly frozen and absorbed by the pebbles. Bare flesh takes damage as if exposed to fire. 

The dark, buried object is the dried-out husk of a famous wizard and atheist known as Pazkwel the Gambler. He holds a ring made entirely of diamond and carved to look like a seed of the Worldtree. He is freshly dead.

From his body, the characters can discern a large dark altar-like shape at the bottom of the lake.

[h2]The Forge of Forgiveness:[/h2]
The Forge has a slot for the ring. If they place the ring in the slot, it is destroyed and a portal opens into the sky, where the dark stream is. A drawer holding a book, and tongs also opens. The pebbles all start falling into the portal. The book describes how to reforge the Pardon's Seed - the characters must use the ice pebbles, melt them together with their own blood, pour the mixture into the slot/mold, and then once set, use the tongs to extract it. Once extracted, characters have a short period before the portal closes, which is the only way out at this point.

When the portal opened Death's Guardian, a three-headed dragon spitting acid, exhaling poison gas, and spewing fire, came through and begins trying to kill the characters.

[h2]Success:[/h2]
The dragon is dead, the characters are top-side, and the reforged ring is back in the jewelry box. As soon as the latter happens, the Pardon regrows, the Hungry Darkness closes, and the river resumes its course.


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## GuardianLurker (Oct 6, 2016)

Yep, I know. two minutes, but that last copy-paste and formatting gave me issues. My apologies.


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## steeldragons (Oct 6, 2016)

Iron Sky said:


> -great commentary and advice snip- (the metal is spelled "Lead" too)




Oh, I know. Was just typing phonetically for ease of relaying what I was saying/thought.


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## Wicht (Oct 6, 2016)

*Round 1, Match 4* 
 [MENTION=57112]Gradine[/MENTION] vs.  [MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION]
  [MENTION=53286]Lwaxy[/MENTION] Judging

*Your ingredients for this match are:
*Jumping Beetles
Echoing Sounds
Nightmare Clock
Feat of Weakness
Wild Dogs
Pink Socks

Because I am posting this without either checking in, we will allow an extra hour lee-way for the completion of the entries. So you have until approximately 11 a.m. EST tomorrow to turn in your entries.  Good Luck


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## Deuce Traveler (Oct 7, 2016)

*Iron DM 2016, Round 1, Match 4, Deuce Traveler Submission (Leaping Shimmers)*

*Entry Name*: Leaping Shimmers

*Ingredients*:
Jumping Beetles
Feat of Weakness
Nightmare Clock
Echoing Sounds
Wild Dogs
Pink Socks

*Rule-Set*: Envisioned for dungeons and dragons of any edition, but could work in a number of other rule-sets and technology levels.

*Synopsis*:

Old man Wetherby has a pretty good racket going on.  Every few months he hitches his wagon and travels to a new town to sell off the goods he's collected and purchase for himself some room and board.  A shrewd trader, the man always manages to have a bit of extra coin on him so he can purchase earthly pleasures.  Although the kind of expensive dining silver and rare pictures always changes from place to place, one item he continues to sell each time he moves is a worn, disturbingly-decorated grandfather clock.  

The clock itself is garish; the type of thing that only the well-to-do might afford in order to show off as a conversation piece.  The clock has a secret, however, in that Wetherby will set a hidden, special internal chime that is set to go off weeks or even months after he auctions it off.  When this chime goes off, a large swarm of shimmering beetles erupts from a compartment devouring all organic material it crawls over.  The fast, leaping beetles will kill for an hour, following a combination of sound and heat signatures as they kill every living thing in an operating radius that can include an estate or keep.  The swarm itself communicates by mimicking noises, each beetle echoing the noise to the others in its swarm and moving towards the intended victims, splitting into smaller swarms against multiple targets, and leaping over obstacles, up stairwells, or even into high windows to get to their targets.  Old man Wetherby decides when the chime is to go off, so he is ready to appear after the duration of the beetles' attacks and pick the area clean of valuables.  He then stashes them for awhile until any investigation is over, purchases the clock through third parties, and moves again to another far off town.  He would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for some kids and some wild dogs.

*Hook*:

The recent mass slaughter of an entire estate or plantation has local investigators stumped and authorities call for outside help.  All that were found of animals and people at the crime scene were skeletal remains picked entirely clean.  Several small valuables have also gone missing, though the authorities are unsure of a connection, or if locals decided to take advantage of the tragedy and loot the scene.

*Clues*:

There were two survivors of past attacks in different locations that the adventurers might seek out and interview, both surviving through fear-induced feats.  One young man was passing by drunk in the fields of a plantation late at night when he was set upon by a pack of wild dogs.  They had surrounded him, yelping and growling, and the young man froze in place since he knew the animals would set upon him if he ran.  He saw the swarm of leaping, shimmering creatures bound over some hills and towards the dogs.  One brave mutt ran forward and barked, only to have the swarm bark back and devour it.  The swarm then split and followed the now-terrified fleeing pack of dogs down some hills and when they were out of sight the young man fled to the authorities.

A young woman was in a keep when the swarm attack occurred.  Young and foolish, she fled behind a tapestry with nothing but her quivering legs covered with pink socks showing from the bottom.  She wept quietly as the swarm went up and town the keep's steps, mimicking its screaming victims while ignoring her.

Both the youths recall hearing the loud chimes of a grandfather clock.  Their stories reveal potential weaknesses of the swarm, which is that the swarm attacks by following a mixture of movement, sound, and heat.  The rare color of pink is part of a color spectrum that does not register to the beetles.  A silence spell can greatly disrupt the swarm, stopping the little creatures from echoing to each other the sounds of their detected targets.

Whenever Old man Wetherby is investigated, those near him when he is sleeping or passed out drunk will hear him mutter through fearful nightmares about the horrors of the clock.  Just because he profits from the device does not mean that the man does not worry about his own survival should he ever make a mistake.


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## Iron Sky (Oct 7, 2016)

*Round 1, Match 3 Judgement*

This round might be difficult for reasons far different than Rune vs steeldragons; after reading both adventures, my initial response was not "interesting" like both of their entries, but instead "what?" Both felt like walking into a movie you've never seen before 30 minutes after it had started - I kept on feeling like I'd missed something important to be able to really grok what was going on. Maybe it was because when I skimmed them both last night I was bleary-eyed from staying up until 2am working on the last match since both got better on a subsequent re-reads, but more on that below.

That said, the same note from my last judgement: "as a judge I will be expecting interesting, complete, and easy-to-run adventures even though as a past competitor, I know how brutal and limiting the 750 word count is and that what I'm expecting is practically impossible given how limiting that is. If I come across as harsh, it's because I'm expecting more than it is reasonable to expect from a couple pages."

So let's wade in.

[sblock=Please Don't Eat the Preacher]*Appeal*_
Does it have any "cool factors" - things that will elicit "neat", "cool", "awesome", or, best of all: "wow!"?_ 

Hexslinging gambler. That term alone is cool enough to launch a book "Old West Wizard" series. Turns out, it pretty much did. A vampire casino, reached by a secret underwater tunnel, is also pretty cool. Since two of those things are the core parts of the adventure, that's a pretty good start.

_Does it seem like an adventure that would be fun to play and an interesting premise to pitch to players?_ 

Let's pitch it: "How about a job stealing the holy book from a preacher stomping around alone in a vampire casino?" Its quirky, different, a bit silly. Not bad for a quick little side-adventure if your group isn't put off by how strange it sounds. Unfortunately, this adventure is 95% backstory with the whole meat of the adventure provided for the GM to run almost entirely summed up in the pitch sentence, like a "adventure hooks to get players to go to X" section of a campaign setting book.

This is essentially a cool location with a hook with a couple suggestions on how the GM can turn it into an actual adventure.

_Is the entry fun to read or at least easy?_ 

The first paragraph threw me off - most likely what my initial stumbling was about because today the rest read fine. Jumping in with "After the Change" threw me because, changing from what? By the end, I'd figured out this is probably Earth post-magipocalypse, but on my first read my brain was still trying to figure that out when it should have been focusing on hexslingers and meat-antes.

Also: "Mountains fell, rivers changed course, seas lowered or raised as they saw fit. Every day since has been pretty much the same."

I don't think it's intentional, but the second sentence made me think every day the mountains move, rivers change course, seas come and go. I think what you meant was "after the tumult, things settled to their current state" not "and the tumult continues unabated to this day."

_Is the adventure clearly understandable?_ 

Once you understand the river is probably not going to disappear, jump its banks, or turn to a lake, the rest makes total sense.

_Is the editing appealing or at least legible? Are there typos?_

A heading here and there might have been helpful, but being so short it's not a major stumbling block. I didn't see any typos.

*Playability*
_Do the players' choices or, at the very least, their presence in the adventure matter?_ 

If the PCs never show up, Mike hires some other armed band that wanders by to do his dirty work/be his blood buy-in and everything pretty much stays the same. The big effect the PCs have on the world is whether the mad preacher keeps his holy book or not.

Where this one kinda falls is that two player choices are the _whole_ of the adventure. There's a huge chunk of setting, then the adventure essentially is the players deciding "How do we get the book?" and "What do we do with it now?" That's the whole of the adventure, right there. Maybe that turns out to be pretty cool, but that's entirely on my shoulders as the GM running it since the adventure gives me so little else to work with.

_Is all the cool stuff buried in the backstory or do the players get to see it too?_ 

The backstory is vampires, a casino, a river, a preacher, a tunnel, a hexslinger. They see all of those things to some degree or another.

_Would this be fun and exciting to run?_ 

It could be! If you are a great GM good at coming up with your own material with a bit of grist for the inspiration mill (like infiltrating a casino full of vampires to steal a holy book from a preacher) this could be awesome. Of course, if you are a GM good enough to come up with all the scenes, encounters, and NPCs that could make this adventure rock, do you really need pre-made adventures in the first place?

_How easy (or difficult) would this be to GM?_ 

If you were a newer DM - which I'd guess are the most likely to buy and run pre-made adventures - you'd really struggle with this since you'll have to come up with most of it on your own.

_If it is linear, does it hide it well or will players complain about railroading? If it is more free-form, is there still enough structure that the GM can still run it without a ton of extra effort?_

Where most adventures are a (preferably) branching road leading through interesting destinations, this one is a compass pointing towards adventure. It has a hook and a couple ideas on the sort of adventure you could make with it, but it's only and adventure in the most generous ways.

*The Rules*
_Was it turned in on time? Is the word count within limits?_ 

Yes and yes.

_Are any ingredients used in an especially creative way? Was it clear what each ingredient was or were any obscure or vague? How essential are the ingredients: if I changed the words in any ingredient, would they no longer work? How interwoven were the ingredients with each other and how essential was each to the adventure? _

Let's go through them individually:

*Doomsayer –*While he does a bit of doomsaying (is that a verb?), his primary role is that of mad preacher. His actual pronouncements actually hold no weight at all, the primary one damning the vampire to never cross starless water actually a statement of pre-established fact, not some new revelation and definitely of no power of its own. He does serve as the primary focus of the adventure, however.

*Starless Stream** –* It is indeed starless, though it is only starless by fiat. By trope, vampires normally can't cross flowing water. Here, it was arbitrarily added that it had to be starless, then the river also made magically starless to provide an obstacle. This could be replaced by "Flowing Water", which was added anyway to make it fit. It is not necessary for the adventure and serves mostly as a lodging place for the Dry Water.

*Hungry Darkness** – *this is the drow vampire, though her hunger serves only as a prelude to the adventure and isn't relevant to the course of things. She might be asleep for the whole adventure for all we care unless the PCs try to bargain with her. She is both dark-skinned and a force of darkness, so that part does apply fairly well. She is the reason everything is the way it is, so she is key for the back story, though she need not even appear in the adventure itself. This could also be the darkness shrouding the world, though its hunger could be better established by saying "the impenetrable clouds _devouring_ sun, moon, and starlight alike".

*Forged Pardon** –* the preacher was never pardoned for his holy book in the first place, he was pardoned because he amused Belle, so there was no forgery. If she had let him live because she feared his (false) holy book, this one would have been perfect, but unfortunately it was not used this way. It is key to the adventure as obtaining it and doing something with it _is_ the whole adventure. Also, near the end it says "They could use the Holy Book to protect them and gamble themselves" but it seems Imonhotep even was forgetting that the book was a fake. If it said they could _try _to use the book and learn to their chagrin that it is powerless, that would make more sense.

*Dry Water** –* I read the tunnel as being a physical tunnel with the spell keeping water from flowing into it. If so, the tunnel is Dry _of_ Water, but it is not Dry Water itself. It also serves as a means to bypass the Stream which is not essential in itself. For both of these, if Belle was stated to have a huge desire to escape from her island and devour the whole world, both would be instantly more essential (and her ingredient made stronger) as it is all that is keeping her contained. I never really got that she was struggling or overly ambitious to escape.

*Arcane Gambler – *Hexslinger. Hexslinger. _Hexslinger._ That word alone makes me want to play a mage next time I'm in a game just to wander around challenging other mages to duels. Mike is reasonably important, the ingredient fits well, but unfortunately his only real role is to be the adventure hook. If the adventure was actually written out so we could see him show up and betray the PCs to get to the big table, he would be more integral, but as is he mostly serves as a large gold exclamation point.

  Tying them together: An Arcane Gambler provides a Dry Water path beneath the Starless Stream to steal the Doomsayer's Forged Pardon presumed to keep him safe from the Hungry Darkness. That's a pretty tight sentence which means, regardless of how well the ingredients are used individually, they are remarkably tightly knit together.

  If I rewrite it with the less fixed elements modified: A Desperate Gambler provides an Underwater Tunnel beneath the Starless River to steal the Mad Preacher's False Symbol presumed to keep him safe from the Hungry Darkness.  

_Aside from their main use, were any ingredients used in other clever ways?_

The Hungry Darkness as the clouds was a nice addition.

*Summary*

  This is a setting with a few cool NPCs and an adventure hook, only marginally an adventure at all. This paragraph is pretty much the entirety of the part of the adventure that will actually be played:  

"How the PCs obtain the book from Preacher is up to them. Publicly killing him is probably a bad idea. Making him quietly disappear alive or dead is better. They may double cross Mike for the reward money. They may attempt to bargain with Belle. They could use the Holy Book to protect them and gamble themselves, if they can arrange the cover charge."

There are no real explicit scenes, encounters, challenges, just a pile of suggestions on how you might turn this into an adventure. If I'm a first time GM, I have Mike pitching the PCs on helping him, a quick description of walking through the tunnel and... the rest is up to me. 

Sure an experienced GM could make something really cool from it, but that's about the same as the fallacy that a difficult or flawed game mechanic is fine since an experienced GM can make it work. Just because I'm a legendary thief who can pick locks with a blade of grass doesn't make grass a lock pick. Someone out there could run a kick-ass session of Fatal, but that doesn't mean it's not still the worst RPG ever made. 

Sorry, that went off on a bit of a tangential rant...[/sblock]

[sblock=The Wager's Corollary]*Appeal*
_Does it have any "cool factors" - things that will elicit "neat", "cool", "awesome", or, best of all: "wow!"?_ 

 After reading this several times slowly, there are some neat bits. Rappelling down a waterfall, adventuring along a supernaturally cold, frozen river, taking a McGuffin to the bottom of a frozen lake, forging something(?) using a mold of ice and blood, and fighting a three-headed dragon are all cool.
_
Does it seem like an adventure that would be fun to play and an interesting premise to pitch to players?_ 

 The lack of transitions is pretty jarring, but let's see if I can figure out what happens:  

In a tavern, the world lurches as a hole rips in the sky. A drunk wizard lurches over from a heated game of Arcribbage, spews a prophecy, the group hikes to a waterfall, rappels down it to an supernaturally cold frozen river, digs a sorcererscicle out of a pile of ice pebbles, forges a ring(?) from ice and blood to seal the sky, then fight a three-headed dragon to escape. That sounds pretty awesome, just too bad it took me ten minutes of reading, intuition, assumption, and analysis to figure that out.

_Is the entry fun to read or at least easy?_ 

 This entry suffers from several major initial issues that make it extremely difficult to read.

The first paragraph is a massive, mangled comma-splice. I know you were rushing to get this posted, but that first paragraph is what draws us in and hooks us on your adventure. I read a significant amount of a wide variety of print media and I had to read that paragraph several times, slowly, to get what it was trying to say.

 The Investigation has a serious case of name-drop-osis; in five short sentences we learn of and supposed to remember the names of 4 places(two of which have two names) and the relations between them(one of which could be named Schrödingers Pardon). I'll change the names so you can see what I mean:

 "The Bloodfeast is more formally, and mythically, known as the River of the Bloodfeast's Tears.

It flows past, or over, or by, a crystal prominence known as the Feasts Regret, or the Feast's Pardon.

The resulting waterfall (the Monster's Fall) marks the dividing line between the Bloodfeast and the Flatsheet River. 

The Flatsheet River is so named because, even though it is placid and smooth, it reflects nothing."

Let me see if I have it straight: The Allmaiden – formally the River of the Allmaiden's Tears – flows in some proximity to the Maiden's Regret, also known as the Maiden's Pardon where it forms a waterfall known as the Hero's Fall, thereafter reflecting nothing causing its name to change to the Mirrorless River from there on.

Even if I have that right, how much of that do I need to know?

 "The Allmaiden flows over a crystal formation called the Maiden's Pardon. Beyond the resulting waterfall, the river becomes the Mirrorless as, past the falls, it reflects nothing."  Same information, clearer, less than half the word count.

Strange typos ("a large large of ice pebbles"), excessive commas, sudden jumps to different parts of the adventure with no transition, a lack of explanation of what exactly everything is... it's too bad, because I'm pretty sure there's a cool adventure here despite all attempts to keep me from figuring that out.

_Is the adventure clearly understandable?_ 

 No. How do we get from the tavern to the investigation? Why does this almost purely geographic information require investigation? Why do the characters decide to to this? What is the pardon for, extended from and to? Why is it a ring? Why would they go into the cave in the first place? Why is Pazkwel "freshly dead"? What killed him and what was he doing there? Why does he have the ring? Altar at the bottom of what lake? How do they get there? Was the dragon a threat? Right now he only seems to be a danger to people making Pardon's Seeds.

_Is the editing appealing or at least legible? Are there typos?_

There are typos, tons of unneeded commas making things more difficult to read, and the first paragraph was run over twice by inadvertent carriage returns, to name a few issues.

 Also, if you are going to have information that is to be read to the players, maybe put it in italics or something, otherwise "you" refers to the GM. I'm pretty sure the GM won't be relaxing with some palls at the Red Dragon's Inn when they read this (though right on if they are!)

*Playability*
_Do the players' choices or, at the very least, their presence in the adventure matter?_ 

 What happens if they don't show up? Um... I'm not sure actually. There's a big hole in the sky? It might be getting closer, but that could just be because the PCs are traveling towards it. Unfortunately, we don't know the stakes. They also don't have much for choices either: go to the waterfall, climb down, dig out ring, go to altar, put ring in slot, forge new ring, fight dragon, put ring in waterfall box(?), end. Entirely linear.

_Is all the cool stuff buried in the backstory or do the players get to see it too?_ 

 The coolest part of this adventure is what the PCs actually do – which is great!

_Would this be fun and exciting to run?_ 

I'm about 75% sure it would be. I'm not totally sure due to the exact scenes and structure being so mangled by the writing.

_How easy (or difficult) would this be to GM?_ 

 It's linear and spelled out, if some transitions were added along with a bit more editing and explanations of what is going on, yes.

_If it is linear, does it hide it well or will players complain about railroading? If it is more free-form, is there still enough structure that the GM can still run it without a ton of extra effort?_

 It's pure linear. This seems high-level, so magic will handle most of the parts that otherwise would have required the PCs to think (rappelling down a waterfall, surviving the crazy cold, digging out the ring). It's a railroad.

*The Rules*
_Was it turned in on time? Is the word count within limits?_ 

 No and yes, respectively.

_Are any ingredients used in an especially creative way? Was it clear what each ingredient was or were any obscure or vague? How essential are the ingredients: if I changed the words in any ingredient, would they no longer work? How interwoven were the ingredients with each other and how essential was each to the adventure? _

 Ingredients:

*Doomsayer*: A floating gold exclamation point drunk wizard that vomits out a quest then fades away. He does at least give a doom... except we're never told what makes it so terrible. "Death walks" and all that, but it seems like the only death we see is the dragon who seems content to mind her own business until the PCs start making bloody ice-pops. He does deliver a doom, but it could just as easily have been on a scroll or something.

*Starless Stream*: This actually would have been stronger if there was no Mirrorless River, because that's just Starless by fiat. If it was the Allmaiden now starless because it now flows underground, it would have been great. It is the main setting of the adventure (which is a pleasant change from the usual dungeon fare), but since it was already starless by decree before the tear in the sky its starlessness is irrelevant.

*Hungry Darkness*: I'm pretty sure the hungry dark is the rift in the sky, though maybe it's the dragon chilling inside. Ah, it's a double use, so the cave mouth that opened below the rift is the hungry darkness, devouring the river. That's a bit better, though it's the _thirsty_ darkness not hungry. It is dark, because it's underground, though it could be "Hungry Cave" or "Hungry Mouth" and work just as well.

*Forged Pardon*: This one is forged as in crafted on a forge, which is clever, unfortunately I don't see how it's a pardon. This could be a bit of missing backstory on how the hungry dark is the punishment for some previous offense held in abeyance by the Maiden's Pardon. As such, Pardon could be replaced by just about any object (a ring in this case).  

*Dry Water*: The river is so cold it sucks the water from you. Smart. The water is also needed to be forged into the ring. It is also is the Starless Stream (assuming it is the falls that renders the river starless) which ties them together well.

*Arcane Gambler*: The Doomsayer at the beginning. The gambling is irrelevant to the adventure and the only reason they are wizards is by fiat. They could have been praying zealots instead and it would have worked as well. Also the frozen corpse of the (randomly atheistic) wizard in the ice. He also is both arcane and a gambler only by fiat – we have no evidence he was either. It could just as easily have been "the dried-out husk of a little-known cheese critic and paganist known as Lewkzap the Jogger" and the adventure wouldn't have changed a bit.

 For a sentence: A Doomsayer tells of a Forged Pardon lost, bringing the Hungry Darkness to devour the Starless Stream, requiring the body of the Arcane Gambler to be found locked in the Dry Water.  

 It seems fairly strong, but since several are only what they are by fiat, it could just as easily be: A Musty Scroll tells of a Forged Ring lost, bringing the Thirsty Mouth to devour the Icy Stream, requiring the body of the Cheese Critic to be found locked in the Dry Water. 
_
Aside from their main use, were any ingredients used in other clever ways?_

The rift and the sky and the cave I think were both intended to be the Hungry Darkness, though I'm not sure.

*Summary*
 Though completely linear, buried beneath the layers of obfuscation of problematic editing, overly, excessive, comma, use, and a large number of sudden confusing jumps where transitions should be there is a pretty cool adventure (pun not intended).

 As with most 750 word entries, there is clearly much missing here. This could use a couple editing passes to eliminate unessential stuff (don't give us multiple names for things, it not only confuses, but wastes precious words too), fix typos and layout errors, and add transitions and a clear hook. Some drunk dude spouting a vague prophecy with no obvious threat made me wonder why the PCs ever headed to the falls in the first place.[/sblock]

[sblock=Comparison]Again, I'm not sure how this is going to go. Before getting to specific comparisons, I know Imhotepthewise's _Please Don't Eat the Preacher_ (hereafter Preacher) is much more readable, clear-cut, and is only marginally an adventure. I likewise know that _The Wager's Corollary: If the Gods are real, so are their Myths: 5+1 Wizards_ (hereafter Wager) is a royal pain to read, has sudden jumps in action with no transition and tons of unanswered questions, but it also is undoubtedly an adventure.

*Appeal*
_Cool factors__ – _Preacher has a vampire casino island and a hexslinger (HEXSLINGER!). Wager has forging a ring out of blood and ice on an underground frozen river before fighting a three-headed dragon. I'm leaning towards Wager a bit.

_Other Appeal – _Preacher steals it right here because you can read it once (well, twice if you get hung up on the first paragraph) and get everything. There are so many mental full-stops due to sudden jumps and unclear information in Wager that I doubt most people would even finish reading it. Sounds harsh, but I had a sinking feeling from the extra return in the first sentence that this would be a difficult one.

 Preacher takes it overall on appeal as the cool stuff is so hard to get to in Wager.*

Playability*
_Players matter and have choices_ – In Preacher, the players have tons of choices, but they are in the same way you have tons of choices in a park. We can play hide-and-seek, tag, capture the flag, eat a picnic, whatever! - because it's a setting, not really an adventure. If the PCs show up, it's still a cool setting, but nothing really changes.

 In Wager, the adventure is a straight-up railroad. There might be a bit of creativity with some of the environmental challenges, but otherwise it's pretty limited. If they don't show up, I'm not sure what is at stake... the dragon chills in her rift or what?

 This part is a wash as one is pure structure and no choices, the other is only choices with no structure and if the PCs never show up, I'm not sure anything of discernible importance really changes in either. (Wager hints at big things, but never reveals them).

_Other playability_* –* This is a tough call since in Preacher the GM has to come up with almost the whole adventure in the setting provided while in Wager the GM has to decipher what the adventure is, but once they do, it's pretty cut and dried. I'll call this part a wash as well.

*Rules*
_Time and word count – _Both had correct word counts, but Wager was late. It was only 2 minutes, but remember where I warned in advance I was a stickler for the rules? This is that.

 Preacher takes this part for being on time.

 For future competitors: if you are late with a judge that is OCD about time limits, might as well take 15 more minutes to do another editing pass since you're late anyway. I've seen win (and lost to) adventures turned in as much as half-a-day late. Once it's already late, might as well make the most of it.

_Ingredients –_ Preacher didn't have a single rock-solid, irreplaceable ingredient, but the ingredients were woven together about as well as I could hope for.

 Wager had a couple solid ingredients on the other hand, but the weave was much, much looser.

 I think Preacher gets a slight edge on this one.[/sblock]

[sblock=Conclusion]Closing thoughts (tl;dr of the above):

 This was a tough match between a well-crafted, tight _adventure setting_ with a hint of adventure smeared on at the end and a pretty cool – if linear – adventure presented like a half-built puzzle; it's probably good, you just have to figure out what it is first.

 If Wager was cleaned up and clarified in a few places, some extra fluff stuff (like alternate names of things) removed, I'm pretty sure it would have beaten Preacher just on the merits of being 80% adventure and 20% backstory/setting vs Preacher's 20% adventure and 80% backstory/setting.

 Thanks for playing, @_*GuardianLurker*_. I'm looking forward to reading any follow-up you have on this as I can tell there was a huge amount that was slashed from this one to smash it into a 750-word box and it deserves an unpacking to fill in the details as I can see the bones of something really cool jutting out of said box.

 Congrats @Imonhotepthewise, you advance to round 2.

Last note, read through any of the winning first round entries from last year if you want ideas on how to make a 750 word adventure work. None of them were perfect, but pretty much all of them managed to lay out a complete adventure within the word limits.[/sblock]


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## GuardianLurker (Oct 7, 2016)

I'm a little disappointed, but understand. This was far, far, from what I'd consider ideal. Life happened, and while I had the initial idea locked down, instead of having 4+ hours to write it, I ended up with one. Unfortunately, what got posted was literally just a brain dump. As you can tell, seeing as how there's a line break in the middle of a word.

It also really needed about another 250 words to get it all in. I could have probably editted it down, but literally just didn't have the time. Honestly, I should have postponed to the weekend, as I know I'm a slow writer (12.5 words/minute, blazingly fast.... not), but 4 hours would probably have been enough, and I felt I owed it, giving the kickoff-kerfluffle.

What was missing: 
Most importantly, the backstory, which would have cleared up a lot of the WTF? meaning issues.

First, this was all supposed to tie into a myth; the name-dropping section is the distilled info, as raw as it could get.
The other key thing in the backstory was Pazkwel - who is actually the Arcane Gambler, not the window dressing. In the backstory, Pazkwel sets out to prove that the god's don't exist by disproving one of the more well-known myths, and one that even (supposedly) left tangible, material evidence.

As an indicator off how big a difference the myth and backstory make, the Hungry Darkness was both the cave (and in a secondary sense the rift, but mostly the cave).  The Starless Stream was supposed to be the actual rift - which mirrored the path of the riverbed. The Pardon, was the weakest ingredient, but the key point of the (missing) myth. 

The myth basically broke down as follows - Hero God and Virgin Goddess are involved in a classic, long-drawn-out unresolved sexual tension situation. God tries to give goddess a ring; she throws it away, splitting the ground in two. Hero God goes off to fight Death, and dies, leaving the Virgin Goddess heartbroken. She cries over the ring, tears forming a river. As the tears flow over the ring, the tears crystallize over it, symbolizing both her regret and her too-late forgiveness. Oh, and during the Hero's fight, his sword cleaves a rift in the sky, destroying the stars, and providing the opening Death needs. The goddess' tears (and love) seal over the rift, and prevent Death from entering and destroying the world (though obviously making the inhabitants mortal).

Pazkwel figures out how to essentially undo all of this - assuming the myth is real; he believes/wagers it isn't. So he builds the altar in the cave below. He destroys the crystal and takes the ring. He then uses the altar to de-power the ring. At this point things went wrong for Pazkwel - if destroying the ring worked, he planned to reforge it and escape through a portal (just as the successful characters would have). But when he de-powered the ring (that twitch), the bottom dropped out from the bottom of the pool, and into his cave system. He drowns in the flood. The cold is an artifact of the de-powering ritual.

Failure consequences are classic "End-of-the-World" in the fullest sense - *everything* dies and the world is destroyed.

Frankly, the hook was something that would have dies in the first edit (except for the Doomsayer), but it had gotten into my head and would not go away. It's a tongue-in-cheek reference to the card game "Red Dragon Inn". It doesn't really belong with the rest, but popped into my head during the brainstorming and would not leave.

The entire adventure is a reference to "Pascal's Wager". Ideally, an adventure group setup would include a priest and a wizard at minimum. And the adventure could be easily set to any adventure; all that really needs to be tuned is the toughness of the dragon, and a little bit of its backstory to justify any lower level. Logistically, it'd probably work best at 4th to 8th in 3.x/PF. The availability of good divination and rapid/instant transport would probably reduce this to a single encounter.


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## Gradine (Oct 7, 2016)

*Iron DM 2016, Round 1, Match 4, Gradine Submission (The Torment of Thornhill Manor)*

*The Torment of Thornhill Manor*

Jumping Beetles
Echoing Sounds
Nightmare Clock
Feat of Weakness
Wild Dogs
Pink Socks

*Rosewick*
Rosewick is a small village renowned for its floral gardens. At night, rose blights shamble out of the long-abandoned Thornhill Manor, on the edge of town, attacking and terrifying the villagers. They seek brave souls to investigate the Manor, and put an end to attacks.

*Thornhill Manor*
The manor house looked as though it were once grand, but now stands dilapidated; weathered; overgrown by flowering vines. The kennels lay in the corner of the estate. Legends tell of a masquerade thrown by the manor’s arrogant new lord centuries ago; the next day the manor was abandoned; its guests and servants missing forever. The manor was declared cursed and avoided at all costs.

*Inside Estate*
As soon as the PCs enter the estate, everything is instantly revitalized; and full of life. Servants rush past. Well-dressed lords and ladies in masks stroll past. None pay the PCs any mind. 

The PCs are now trapped in Lord Thornhill's dream.

Thornhill is hosting a masquerade. On a successful difficult Perception check, a PC hears, on the faintest edge of hearing, the echoing sounds of a ticking clock. Every hour this distant clock chimes (no check needed), leading to _nightmares_ (see below).

At the party’s onset, several ladybugs leap onto Thornhill from a nearby rose bush onto him, causing him to panic, flail about, and attack the bush. All the partygoers laugh at this feeble display of weakness; all save one: a beautiful pale woman in a black dress and flowery mask, who gives a knowing smile.

*Personas*
Lord Thornhill - New master of manor. Skull mask. Arrogant. Terrified of insects. Spends most of the party telling tall tales of his feats. None believe him.
Garrett - The kennelmaster. He is annoyed and distracted. He skulks off to kennels early.
Damascena - Secretly a Night Hag, out to curse Thornhill. Spends the party seducing him.

*The Clock*
In nearly every room of the house sits a large grandfather clock, which seems to be the source of the distant ticking and tolling. Time doesn’t seem to flow normally on it; at times it runs too slow, elsewise too fast. If a PC approaches the clock it disappears; as if it was never there to begin with. The PCs have nearly the full run of the house, save the master’s chambers, which are guarded and locked.

*Nightmares*
The faint bells toll regularly. These trigger, briefly, a nightmarish version of the manor. The building warps, and vines choke the walls. The nightmares last only as long as the bells toll (2 seconds per toll), then vanish, as if they never happened. Marked* events only occur if the PCs are near the NPCs when the nightmare triggers.


Thornhill* vomits two swarms of ladybugs, which attack party
Damascena* glares at the party
Garrett appears hovering; shivering and barefoot, whispering "help"
Rose blights attack party

*Kennels*
*Dream: *Garrett retires here. He'll tell the story of a dog attacking Lord Thornhill, and being ordered to put all the dogs down. Instead he released them into the village, hoping they’d be adopted. He takes off boots and socks to rub his feet. The socks are stained pink, which confuses him.
*Nightmare: *Kennels remain in Nightmare until all PCs exit. They're flooded by 18 inches of pale pink water, filled with rose petals. Garrett's skeletal body hangs from a noose; shivering, complaining about being cold. His feet are underwater, perfectly preserved. Six blight hounds, large dogs corrupted by blight, attack the PCs.
If Garrett’s body is given his socks (which dream Garrett does not part with willingly), it thanks the PCs and tells them the full story: Rosewick is haunted by the night hag Damascena, responsible for sowing the villagers’ nightmares. The loosed dogs tore out her prized rose bushes. Incensed, the hag cursed him, Lord Thornhill, and the entire manor.
If asked about the grandfather clock, Garrett says the only clock in the manor is in the master’s chambers.

*Climax*
The nightmare remains permanent, and multiple rose blights attack the PCs, The manor itself seems to intent on stopping them, the overgrown vines grasping at them. The master’s chamber door is still locked, but easily battered down. On the master’s bed is Damascena, in her true form, straddling the sleeping Lord Thornhill, pouring ladybugs into his mouth. The grandfather clock chimes, and Thornhill briefly stirs. Damascena protects herself, but flees if endangered. Thornhill momentarily awakens before rapidly aging, dying and wasting away. The nightmare fades, leaving only an ancient, weathered house.


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## Lwaxy (Oct 7, 2016)

*Round 1, Match 4 Judgement*

I reread the entries several times,trying to imagine myself using the  adventures for any of my groups. Which is, asides from use of  ingredients, the main point for me. 

*Rules *- In time, word count within limits for both entries. 

*Use of ingredients*

*Jumping Beetles* - Both entries make equal use of this as one of the main ingredients.
Echoing  Sounds - For Leaping Shimmers, the echoing sounds of the beetles  mimicking sounds is slightly more relevant to the adventure. While the  ticking clock in The Torment of Thornhill Manor definitely adds to the  creepiness of the situation, with the mimicking beetles, a GM can do a  lot more. _Advantage for Leaping Shimmers. _

*Nightmare Clock* -  As expected, a central part of both stories. And I like both ideas  equally. But the use in Leaping Shimmers, again, has a bit more to offer  for a GM. It could be used as a continuing point for the story, whereas  in The Torment of Thornhill Manor, the clock comes over as just another  element of strange. The relevance of time passing differently is  minimal, unless you want to have the PCs emerge in a different time than  they have started in. It's also a much used element in stories, whereas  the beetles spouting from the clock in Leaping Shimmers are more of a  surprise. A_dvantage for Leaping Shimmers. 
_
*Feat of  Weakness *- Leaping Shimmers has two people survive due to their  weaknesses, while The Torment of Thornhill Manor takes the opposite  approach with Lord Thornhill succumbing to his fear of insects. Both  uses were relatively weak (no pun intended), but while the survivors could have survived  in either case (pink socks, dogs going after someone else) the insect  fear of Lord Thornhill is much more relavant to the story. _Advantage for  The Torment of Thornhill Manor._
*
Wild Dogs* - In  Leaping Shimmers, the dogs only show up as a distraction for the  beetles, whereas in The Torment of Thornhill Manor, they are the very  reason why the hag even goes after the inhabitants of the manor._  Advantage for The Torment of Thornhill Manor. _*
Pink  Socks* - A clear relevance in Leaping Shimmers,and the GM could do fun  things with it. In The Torment of Thornhill Manor, they play a rather  obscure role. It's not quite clear why Lord Thornhill needs those socks  other than he's cold. A GM could easily add a better reason, but it  makes the use of this weaker._ Advantage Leaping Shimmers. _

*Readability*

_Advantage for Leaping Shimmers _with a clear, very easy to read structure. It is obvious that The Torment of  Thornhill Manor has more potential without word count restrictions. At  times, it was confusing to figure out what's what and why. 

*Use in game play*

Leaping Shimmers is a good, mostly linear story,  which could also be adapted as insert in several parts into an ongoing  campaign. Not much the GM has to think of or to keep track for, so  that's perfect. The Torment of Thornhill Manor is more difficult to  coordinate, but is more open to interpretation and improvisation, which  is better for lots of groups (and GMs). It also has all the important poi8nted about the people in the manor. However, the adventure should be  finished as-is, so _advantage Leaping Shimmers._

*Would my players have fun with it? *

Yes,a definite yes, to both adventures. I'm going to grab them for my Halloween specials.  

All in all, Leaping Shimmers has more appeal to me. Congrats Deuce Traveler!


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## Imhotepthewise (Oct 7, 2016)

I want to thank  [MENTION=786]GuardianLurker[/MENTION] for a great contest. When I first skimmed his entry, I thought, "oh man, I am toast". Thanks to my old opponent [MENTION=60965]Iron Sky[/MENTION] for judging. More later, car broke down.


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## Gradine (Oct 7, 2016)

This has been a disappointing, and frankly, fairly frustrating experience. Clearly the product I've put out was not nearly as clear as I expected it be (the importance of the clock, and therefore the echoes, most significantly.) Was the owner of the socks that unclear though? Not that it matters much, I'll cop to the weak usage, but it's a little frustrating to read a judgment that gets a basic fact of your product wrong.

I knew this judgment would be close, Deuce obviously put together a great entry. I felt, at least at the time, this was probably not just my best adventure in this competition, but my best overall _entry. _​I believed, and still do, I've not done a better job yet writing with the ingredients. I think too much of it simply ended on the cutting room floor. And I can't see it.

I'll be brutally honest: 750 is too few words. Clearly not for everyone. But for me, definitely. The limit just does not play to my strengths as a writer. I loved coming up with this concept (the genesis: Why do the socks have to be _pink_?), I loved writing the adventure. I even, I believe, gained a lot from the process of _simplifying_ it to better fit the limits. But the _cutting? _The 10 words here, five words there, they'll still get the thing about the clock, right? I didn't find value from that process. Perhaps because I didn't learn the right lessons from it. It can't help but feel a little frustrating.

Oh well, next year.

Congrats to Deuce, anyway, on a match well won! I'll be rooting for you from the sidelines.


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## Wicht (Oct 7, 2016)

[MENTION=57112]Gradine[/MENTION] - remind me to tell you the story of the ghost dryad in the mast sometime. 

Your entry was very good, and I hope the frustrations don't keep you from trying again. 

Per the word count, I know that Rune and I and whoever else helps us hammer out these things want to know the parts of the rules that the majority of contestants feel could use some change. There are valid reasons for the 750 words, but that does not make critiques of the rules unwelcome and none of the rules are set in stone for next year.


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## Gradine (Oct 7, 2016)

To be extra clear; I'm griping _way_ more about my own abilities (or lack thereof) than I am about the rules I understood and agreed to in advance 

That said, if I had a vote for next year, my vote would be to up it to 1000. A good, whole number. Lots of zeroes.


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## Gradine (Oct 7, 2016)

On a <calmer> review, I think I can see the problem a little clearer, in that I was a little too cute by half in sprinkling the significance of the clock too thin in too many places. Something that central deserved its own section. I recalled one of the successes I had last year in this format in weaving backstory and adventure together, which I think only worked as well as it did last year because of how linear that adventure was compared to this one.

So okay, I did learn _something_.


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## Rune (Oct 8, 2016)

Wicht said:


> [MENTION=57112]Gradine[/MENTION] - remind me to tell you the story of the ghost dryad in the mast sometime.




Ooo. That's a good one!



> Your entry was very good, and I hope the frustrations don't keep you from trying again.




Echoed. 



> Per the word count, I know that Rune and I and whoever else helps us hammer out these things want to know the parts of the rules that the majority of contestants feel could use some change. There are valid reasons for the 750 words, but that does not make critiques of the rules unwelcome and none of the rules are set in stone for next year.




If the first round seems like an exceptional challenge, that's exactly the point. Round 1 is designed to test the limits of the contestants' discipline and problem-solving creativity and execution. Round 1 isn't supposed to be a challenge; it's supposed to be a stress-test. 



Gradine said:


> On a <calmer> review, I think I can see the problem a little clearer, in that I was a little too cute by half in sprinkling the significance of the clock too thin in too many places. Something that central deserved its own section. I recalled one of the successes I had last year in this format in weaving backstory and adventure together, which I think only worked as well as it did last year because of how linear that adventure was compared to this one.
> 
> So okay, I did learn _something_.




I'm not so sure I completely agree with your conclusion, here. There's a difference between simple and linear. Round one necessitates simplicity; I don't think linearity is required (although, as I've said before--it is not inherently bad, either. Merely inherently limiting for both players and DM).


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## Imhotepthewise (Oct 8, 2016)

After 4 years of competing, I am honored to be found worthy of moving forward out of the first round.
 [MENTION=786]GuardianLurker[/MENTION] is a tough opponent. I feel lucky to have inched ahead of him.

As you say, the 750 word count is brutal.  I cite that as the reason some of the sentences in my entry are not quite all there.  Hizzhonor the judge [MENTION=60965]Iron Sky[/MENTION] zoomed right in on the sentence I found to be the weakest in the writeup.

I delight in finding reasons to use real world places for adventures.  I have known about the Kentucky Bend for some time now, and am glad this entry gave me a chance to work with it.

The percentages of back story to adventure is something I have been criticized hard for in previous entries.  I fought hard to avoid a railroad adventure.  Like [MENTION=786]GuardianLurker[/MENTION], I could have used more word space to flesh out the backstory so I could make a better adventure.

As to the adventure, I wanted to offer the PCs choices.  I started DMing in 1979 as a “No!” DM running very linear adventures.  Today, thanks to [MENTION=2]Piratecat[/MENTION] and Dungeon World, I am a “Yes!” and a “what do you do?” gamemaster, letting the characters lead the story.

As to the ingredients (I am soooo happy I did not draw the Pink Socks!):

Hungry Darkness is Belle, who I saw as a not so powerful vampire as very smart and crafty.  She’s in it for the long haul, not seeing an easy way out the fix she is in.  Not so interested in making a meal of Preacher, because it is too much effort to take down a holy man when there was easier prey around.

Doomsayer is Preacher, who I saw as a con artist trying to survive in a bad spot.  Not a spellcaster, holy man, or even physically threatening, he took on a persona he knew would make him interesting as food.  The holy book, chosen for its looks not its content (any one see city street preachers and their well worn bibles?) is only part of his costume.  Belle doesn’t bother to check its potency, and the lesser vampires assume since she doesn’t attack him they shouldn’t either.  He keeps up the show daily to keep from being eaten. If he knew a way out, he would take it.  He may have inadvertently come up with an epiphany concerning Belle without really realizing it.

Starless Stream was very hard, just sayin. I was originally going to use a paddlewheel riverboat on a dark river, but couldn’t make it work.

Arcane Gambler. I wish I could claim being the originator of hexslinger, but Shane Hensley’s excellent Deadlands is the source for that.  If you don’t know it, you should.  Mike is a conniving bastard, but knows some facts that could work out well for him.

Dry Water was the hardest. I thought of it waking early in the morning and it switched me from the riverboat to the bend.  I was thinking of the old spell Airy Water.  As far as doable, the Mississippi is about a half a mile wide between New Madrid Missouri and the Kentucky Bend.  I would imagine I would have to have a very indulgent DM to cast a spell of that magnitude.

Forged Pardon.  This also came to me waking early.  The holy book is a total sham.  It is only dangerous because the vampires think it is.  If they bothered to approach Preacher, they would easily find this out. 
So, I can’t apologize for giving the PCs free rein.  Good NPCs make good adventures, and this entry has plenty of options for good roleplaying, combat, stealth, or magic use.

As a DM, I would love to see some players hoist Mike on his own petard and expose him to the vampires at a point that would do him the least good.  I see him as the real bad guy in this adventure.  He has options, but the PCs could kick the chair out from under him if they play well.

Thanks for allowing me to play.


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## Gradine (Oct 8, 2016)

Rune said:


> Ooo. That's a good one!
> 
> I'm not so sure I completely agree with your conclusion, here. There's a difference between simple and linear. Round one necessitates simplicity; I don't think linearity is required (although, as I've said before--it is not inherently bad, either. Merely inherently limiting for both players and DM).




My conclusion was less "linear = better"; more that the approach I took with important background details worked better in a more linear adventure (where I could provide important details exactly when they were relevant).

To wit; it was not clear at all that Thornhill stirring in his sleep when the clock chimed was not only the reason for the dream briefly shifting to the nightmare events, but an important clue that he was sleeping in the vicinity of a clock (in an earlier draft, he was in a clock tower, but like I said, I simplified). In this case, providing that information for the DM up front (rather than hinting at it sporadically, as one would to the players) would have been the way to go.

Edit: I'm now also very curious to hear this story


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## Gradine (Oct 8, 2016)

So I got the ingredient list, stared at it, looking for some kind of inspiration. But I kept coming back to one question: why pink?

I was stuck on that for a while. They didn't just have to be socks that were pink. They had to be socks that wouldn't work or make sense to be blue. Or green. Or any other color. No, only _pink _
socks would work. That's when I thought of rosewater, staining the socks pink. Then I thought, why socks. Why not gloves or pants. That's where the image of the hanging kennel master first generated, as well as the rose motif. The actual implementation of the socks turned out way too 90's adventure game logic for my liking (though the original implementation was pure soup cans). Combining the roses with the wild dogs brought me to the hag and the rose bushes. From there it was mentally running through the synopsis of Beauty and the Beast, sprinkling a dash of Silent Hill to cover the nightmares, and folding in the rest of the ingredients.

The beetles and feat of weakness both changed at the last minute. The original interpretation for the beetles showed up in the aforementioned convoluted solving-the-soup-cans puzzle (drain the nightmare kennel, steal dream Garrett's socks, put them on nightmare Garrett's feet, he's saved a few dogs which are now giant beetles because reasons, ride them as they jump up to the top of the clock tower). It was awful. The feat of weakness involved a nightmare phantasm that played on the PCs weaknesses and fears. I liked this a bit more, but it was too disconnected and too personalized and generally too complex for the size and scope of the adventure. I'm more than happy with how they ended up turning out in the end. The feat of weakness was still kind of weak (to borrow a pun, quite intentionally), but anything I could think of that was a more interesting take was just too complicated, and it at least gave me a reason to devote some words to a character's personality.

Again, I think i just needed to front load some of the more important background details in a clearer manner. I was just too gunshy to that approach, as i watched it sink too many good entries, especially last year.


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## GuardianLurker (Oct 8, 2016)

Congratulations to [MENTION=976]Imhotepthewise[/MENTION] and the other competitors who advanced. I'm looking forward to seeing round round two entries.  Hopefully next time I can do better. Good luck!


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## Deuce Traveler (Oct 8, 2016)

With a word count limit of 750, I knew I had to keep my entry limited and constrained, which is what I sought to do even if it limited me on how to use the ingredients in the list.

Jumping Beetles
 Echoing Sounds
 Nightmare Clock
 Feat of Weakness
 Wild Dogs
 Pink Socks

One idea I had was to have the Nightmare Clock actually send out a Nightmare, that black demonic horse.  I could have connected the Echoing Sounds to the Nightmare, as an impending sound of doom as the sound of the horse would have echoed outwards from the clock until it came through it and attacked those around.  I was then thinking that Wild Dogs could come next connected somehow to a Feat of Weakness, and that the Jumping Beetles would come last, but I couldn't find an easy way to connect them to Pink Socks easily.  The clock could have been counting down to three dooms that would come from it: demonic horse, dogs, devouring beetles.  But to make this all work would have required a lot of writing, something not conducive to a 750 word limit.

So I decided to keep it simple.  Some of the ingredients ooze with a potential for horror: the nightmare clock, jumping beetles, and echoing sounds for sure, so that was the core of the story.  The pink socks seem more whimsical and not an easy fit, so I thought of having them stained with diluted blood, but that wouldn't work for the type of all-devouring beetles I envisioned to be at the heart of the story.  Ultimately I focused on making the pink and the sock wearing significant in different ways, splitting the one ingredient into two related ideas: pink affecting the senses of the beetles and the young girl hiding behind a tapestry with only her feet being shown.  That way pulling the pink socks out of the synopsis would make that part fall apart, thus making my pink socks integral to the tale.

Halfway through my brain storming, I knew wild dogs were going to be the weakest ingredient in my stew, and the judge saw right through that.  They were tossed in decently enough, as a reason for the boy having been trying to stand perfectly still when the beetles showed, but they could have been swapped for bandits, or an ogre, etc.  I decided that I could sacrifice having a weak use of an ingredient for narrative cohesion, and that I would just take the hit.  If I had two weak ingredients I may have tossed my idea into the trash and started from scratch, but I didn't want to do that with a 24-hour time limit.  When I have 48 hours I sometimes take a night to sleep on it before committing to finalizing a draft.

Anyway, that was my own thought process.  I've lost plenty of matches where I disagreed with a judge's decision.  A writer always loves his own work above others.


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## Deuce Traveler (Oct 8, 2016)

I just took time to read all the other entries.  My two favorite by my opponents are LongGoneWrier's "SPOOPY SCARY SCAREAWEEN" and Gradine's "The Torment of Thornhill Manor".


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## LucasC (Oct 8, 2016)

Wicht said:


> There are valid reasons for the 750 words, but that does not make critiques of the rules unwelcome and none of the rules are set in stone for next year.




I think the 750 limit is good. Really forces you to be concise and creative. 

6 ingredients, 12 really if you count the adjective that goes with each is about 3 too many to my thinking. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Rune (Oct 8, 2016)

LucasC said:


> I think the 750 limit is good. Really forces you to be concise and creative.
> 
> 6 ingredients, 12 really if you count the adjective that goes with each is about 3 too many to my thinking.




No good. Linking 4, even 5 ingredients is sometimes ridiculously easy. 6 never is. That's why 6 is the baseline. IRON DM is designed to never be easy. 

And, incidentally, some ingredients are expressed in a different number of words (even one, occasionally). But it doesn't really turn the ingredient into multiple ingredients; rather, each descriptor serves to narrow down each ingredient. It focuses the available options, but the ingredient still is one thing.


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## steeldragons (Oct 8, 2016)

As a writer, and editor, I can very much appreciate the "forcing you to pare it down" angle of the 750 words. 

As a creative sort, visual artist (which fosters a bent toward -perhaps overly- descriptive writing style), and DM, 750 words is entrely too short for a complete adventure.

This could go two ways, to my mind.

1. Leave the contest as it is and extend the first round to 1000 words (maybe 1250 for Round 2? 2000 for Round 3?)

or, go at it from the opposite angle,

2. Leave the word count 750, but change the content of Round I to a more synopsis style write up/guideline. Like: I. Overview/Premise. II Use of Ingredients. maybe III is an Example Encounter or two, initial thoughts type stuff. Then we get to see the progression (maybe another scoring point?) from this original idea into fully formed adventure in Rounds II and III.

Rather than an expectation of a fully integrated adventure, with thorough explanations, deep plots, and integrated connectivity of ingredients within 750 words. As Iron Sky notes, it's a completely unrealistic expectation.

I can understand Rune's [I think it was Rune] point that Round I's 750 words is working as intended, it's meant to be the crucible (think Goblet of Fire for you under 40's out there). The names that remain (or float out of the Goblet of Fire) following Round I carry on. This is not, of course, the "Fluffy Feel Good Get-a-Ribbon-for-Showing-Up DM" contest. People need to be eliminated. 

I understand, and vaguely recall from judging -admittedly some years ago now, that it is also a good amount of time and effort for the judges to be reading through these things...trying to piece together what may [or may not] be intended, themes, use of ingredients -comparing/contrasting who [in our completely mortal and fallible opinions] used what "better," checking typos/grammar (for some of us a larger deal than others). It's work. No question. And keeping the first barrage of entries (since they will be the most in number) shorter makes complete logistical sense.

I just think, for Round I, either the word count OR the expectations are a bit too...constricting. And it might behoove whoever the planning council is for future rounds/contests, to take a look at that and decide which is more realistically expanded.


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## Wicht (Oct 8, 2016)

Gradine said:


> Edit: I'm now also very curious to hear this story




It was, I believe, the second ever Iron DM tournament. Three of the ingredients given for the round were Mast, Ghost, and Dryad. My adventure idea incorporated them all together, so that the ghost of a dryad was haunting the ship in which the mast had been made from her tree. Her haunting had caused the ship to crash, and now the hulk was the adventure sight. It was a rather nice blend of the ingredients (proving also Rune's point that sometimes blending the ingredients together is surprisingly easy.) I thought I had the round in the bag. The judge liked the other entry better. It was the first rather controversial Iron DM judgment, but now, fifteen years later, I am almost over it, and hardly ever bring it up more than once or twice a year.


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## Wicht (Oct 8, 2016)

steeldragons said:


> 2. Leave the word count 750, but change the content of Round I to a more synopsis style write up/guideline.




In fairness, all the entries are supposed to be providing a synopsis. It's even in the rules. I do sometimes think that people forget this (judges are sometimes guilty too). 



			
				The Rules said:
			
		

> Each match will consist of two contestants given a single set of ingredients with which to construct a brief adventure outline or synopsis.




For myself, I try to approach the content, when I submit, as providing what you would reasonably expect to provide in a published adventures Background and Summary. In a standard 15,000 word adventure, you don't necessarily want to do much more than 750-1500 words of introductary matieral. 

Also, I find it helpful, and have used this technique, of providing encounter information in bullet points, rather than paragraph form.


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## steeldragons (Oct 8, 2016)

Wicht said:


> In fairness, all the entries are supposed to be providing a synopsis. It's even in the rules. I do sometimes think that people forget this (judges are sometimes guilty too).




Yes. Of course you're right. But what is read and expected (by most contestants and many judges) seems to be "Write an adventure." I'm simply suggesting the "focus" (for lack of a better word, I guess) on Round I could be the "sketchy" outline idea - in 750 words. That's just the first thing that came to mind. 

You could, maybe/instead, simplify it by using less than 6 elements in Round 1. Start with 4. Then 6 in Round II, and you still get to 8 in Round III!

I'm just throwing my vote into the ring that I agree/concur/think 750 is too low. I'd vote [if we were voting] to raise it to 1,000 words. I think that's plenty constraining and would -no doubt in my case- still require a lot of thought and editing/paring down.

If it stays [by consensus or desire] 750, simplify the Round by some other means. That's all I'm suggesting.


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## Iron Sky (Oct 8, 2016)

Imhotepthewise said:


> So, I can’t apologize for giving the PCs free rein.  Good NPCs make good adventures, and this entry has plenty of options for good roleplaying, combat, stealth, or magic use.




The way I see it, if you are the sort of GM looking to "give players free reign" you're probably not going to be drawn to pre-made adventures, more setting books that give you ideas that you can plunk your PCs down in and run with. I absolutely think that your adventure makes a great setting, but if I was a new GM who bought it expecting to read it an hour before the game started and be able to run it, I would be sorely disappointed.

You gave histories, geography, some motives, and a hook, then said "have fun!" Ironically, I've never actually bought or run a pre-made adventure (I actually didn't know they existed until the first time I entered IronDM), but I get why people would buy them. You want neat situations, interesting scenes to present, detailed environments to interact with, tough choices to throw at your players, and you want to do it without having to design it all yourself.

I actually didn't know pre-made adventures existed until I entered IronDM for the first time and have never actually run one, but I'd assume that they are mostly for DMs that don't have the time, energy, experience, or willingness to craft their own. Your adventure gives them a rich setting to play with, but almost no structured pacing, scene layout, or adventure flow. Here's a rough equivalent:

"The PCs' boss, the ruthless sociopath Jimmy Joffa gets transferred via armed motorcade to the Federal Courthouse next week for his trial. The judge Welma Story, is a hardliner on organized crime, but it wouldn't be too hard to find out where her daughter goes to private school. Then there's paranoid Sally McTavit, a leak in the police force that might be able to get the location of safe-house where the key witness is being held if the price is right."

That's about what your adventure is like. A distinct setting, some cool stuff to do, some distinct personalities, a choice of paths, and a bunch of inspiration that a GM can use to put together a cool adventure... _if_ they are willing to spontaneously put together the scene when they PCs bust their boss from the armed convoy OR sketch out a private school and some complications with the kidnapping and interactions with the judge OR figure out what McTavit's price is and design a safe house location, security detail, witness, etc.

You've given a rich _scenario_ for a GM to play with - which makes sense given your Dungeon World predilections (DW rocks!) - but there's still a tremendous amount of work a GM would be required either before the game or improvised on the go to actually make it an adventure.

Even though I personally prefer more open-ended adventure scenarios like you present to let me fill in all the creative details, I don't believe that's what most people look for in a pre-made adventure.

As far as making a complete adventure in 750 words, I think most of the winning first round entries  from last year pulled it off. None of them were perfect - generally a bit too linear or a bit loose - but pretty much all of them managed to  lay out a complete adventure within the word limits.

As hard as the 750 word, 6 ingredient, 24 hour time limit is, I think it's perfect. One of my first round entries from years ago was twelve pages long and I can't tell you how much my IronDM and writing skills improved trying to compress it to two. I could see 1000 words as well, however...


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## Rune (Oct 8, 2016)

I feel I could have pretty comfortably done what I was trying to do if I had had 1000 words to work with. Therefore, 750 seems about right to me.


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## Imhotepthewise (Oct 8, 2016)

I'm not advocating a change to the rules. I was just noting how challenging it was to operate in the 750 word limit. If we thought it was too much, we wouldn't compete. Why mess with a good thing?


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## GuardianLurker (Oct 8, 2016)

Heh. My complaint - if any, isn't the word count. Given time, culling from 1500 to 750 is doable. For me the big crunch was the time. In the middle of the week, a 24 hour limit works out to less than half that. In my case, thanks to a last minute work obligation, roughly about 5 - 4 of which were spent brainstorming the adventure before I went to sleep. I suspect I'm not the only one who lost lots of time like that, and I give props to the others for managing.

If I was to change something, I'd run it over the weekends, with each round's matches being simultaneous. I'd keep the 24-hour limit, 750 word count, and 6 ingredient list, though, just block out the workweek.


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## Wicht (Oct 9, 2016)

*Iron DM 2016 
Round 2, Match 1*
  [MENTION=6857996]LongGoneWrier[/MENTION] vs.  [MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION]

*Your ingredients for this round are:
*_Heir to Nothing
Silken Wallpaper
Useless Glue
Headless Hunter
Gutted Machine
Star crossed book
Lazy Eye_

You have 36 hours to complete your entry, meaning that it is due 8 a.m. EST, Monday morning.

Good Luck!


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## Wicht (Oct 9, 2016)

*Iron DM 2016
Round 2, Match 2*  [MENTION=976]Imhotepthewise[/MENTION] vs  [MENTION=67]Rune[/MENTION]

*Your ingredients for this round are:
*_Balancing Act
Demonic Coin
Zombie Merchant
Triple Agent
Puzzle Box
Blood-Red Star
Horseless Carriage _

You have 36 hours to complete your entry. So due at 8:33 p.m. EST on Monday. Good Luck!


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## Imhotepthewise (Oct 9, 2016)

And. Here. We. Go!


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## LongGoneWriter (Oct 10, 2016)

*CORPORATE DOWNSIZING*
_For use with Shadowrun Fifth Edition._

*HEIR TO NOTHING*
*SILKEN WALLPAPER*
*USELESS GLUE*
*HEADLESS HUNTER*
*GUTTED MACHINE
STAR CROSSED BOOK*
*LAZY EYE*

*ADVENTURE BACKGROUND*
Five years ago, Ikeda Electronics was one of the more powerful AA megacorporations in Japan. Many in the corporate circles thought it would soon become a fully-fledged AAA, or be swallowed up by Renraku. Ikeda Toyoshi, CEO and founder of Ikeda was diagnosed with a terminal illness and began siphoning away his company’s profits in order to find a cure. Toyoshi’s disease was cured, but his brush with death caused him to be obsessed with discovering the secret of immortality. To buy himself time, Toyoshi fitted himself with the best augmetics that nuyen could buy. Toyoshi dumped everything into finding any possible method of extending his life. Soon, every single nuyen that Ikeda had was funneled into this quest.

 Nothing remains of Ikeda Electronics except the empty shell of their corporate tower and the few individuals kept around to maintain appearances until the Renraku buyout. Toyoshi’s son Jiro swept all of Toyoshi’s expenses into a top-secret project called Wellspring. Hoping to wring some kind of profit out of his father’s madness, Jiro sold the idea of project Wellspring to Renraku as a revolutionary formula to reduce or even reverse augmentation essence cost.

Jiro is no fool, and knows that heads will roll if Renraku discovers the ruse. His plan is to mask the ruination of Ikeda Electronics under the cover of several well-coordinated attacks from many fronts. Jiro covertly contacted the extremist environmental politigroup The Thundering Herd, making up stories about toxic magic being practiced on the Ikeda site. Jiro is assured that they will dispatch their greatest warrior, a centaur, to gut the corporate facility and remove all traces of toxic magic. Jiro also hires a group of shadowrunners to steal everything related to his father and Project Wellspring. To maintain the illusion of a working corporation, Jiro pulls a decker named The Eye out of retirement to man the Ikeda complex’s defenses. Unfortunately for everyone involved, deep in the bowels of Ikeda Electronics, Toyoshi has kludged together so much cyberware and preservative magics that he has become a cyberzombie.

*CONFLICT OF INTERESTS*
The runners are contacted by their fixer offering them what he calls a “milk run”. They are asked to dress well and go to a high-end restaurant in Tokyo. Once there, an impeccably-dressed man (Jiro) introduces himself as Mr. Tanaka and buys whatever the characters wish to eat before getting down to business. He explains that he represents a third party that is very interested in the rumored upcoming merger between Ikeda Electronics and Renraku. His employers wish to confirm that everything is on the up-and-up, and wants a discreet group of professionals to investigate the secret Ikeda project known as Wellspring.

Their task is to gain access to the Ikeda compound, secure any and all records of Project Wellspring, and analyze them for discrepancies. If Project Wellspring appears to be as revolutionary as the rumors describe, the runners are to destroy all records; if not, the runners are to steal the data and deliver it to Mr. Tanaka. Mr. Tanaka gives the runners a strict deadline to accomplish their task, but assures the runners that building security is alarmingly lax and even antiquated in places. The runners will be paid ten thousand nuyen apiece only if the Project Wellspring data is either confirmed clean or returned to Mr. Tanaka.

*IKEDA TOWER*
The Ikeda Electronics corporate building is a fortress rising high above the Tokyo skyline. Basic observation of the tower during the few days of preparation time reveal that very few people come in or out of the building, while more perceptive runners notice that the shapes that move around behind the windows follow almost robotic patterns. All the “workers” in Ikeda Tower are in fact motorized mannequins that move about with simple programming.  Probing the history of Ikeda Electronics uncovers some potentially useful information: Ikeda Toyoshi was apparently a philanderer before his illness took hold, and frequently used the penthouse of Ikeda Tower as an office and den of luxury. Scanning the Matrix in Ikeda tower shows a large number of drones. Matrix security is present, but lackluster in all but a few places like the penthouse. Runners might also notice other individuals scoping out Ikeda Tower; these are Thundering Herd members finding the best entry point for Ulysses, known on the streets (but not to his face) as “Glue”. Mr. Tanaka contacts the runners immediately before the heist and warns them Glue might interfere with the job.

*B & E*
The only physical security are packs of drones that sweep the floors in regular patrols.  The Eye knows that Ikeda is in damage control, and doesn’t put up the kind of resistance one might expect from a hacker of his reputation. He spends most of his time watching trashy soap opera trids, only sending a pack of drones at the runners if they are particularly loud and destructive. He defends himself on the Matrix, but otherwise lets the basic encryption of any devices in the building fend for itself.

As the runners search the tower for the records of Project Wellspring, they feel and hear the detonation that marks Glue’s entrance into the facility. Mr. Tanaka contacts the runners again and urges them in the strongest terms to avoid Glue. The centaur armed to the teeth and quickly goes about making a mess in the tower. Glue is likely to cross paths with the runners and is more than willing to get into a scrap with the runners, especially if they call him by his street name. The centaur can be convinced to leave the runners alone, or accompany them to the penthouse. He is eager to cause destruction, but the ease with which the drone patrols can be avoided means Glue is limited to petty vandalism if he joins the runners.

The runners can reach the penthouse fairly quickly, which they discover is radically different from the corporate blandness below. The penthouse is constructed like a traditional Japanese temple interior, with the paper walls of antiquity replaced by sumptuous silk screens. A powerful guardian spirit is bound to the silk walls and reacts aggressively if the runners are disrespectful to the furnishings.

*MILK GOES BAD*
About the same time the runners reach the penthouse, Toyoshi the cyberzombie wakes up in the sub-basement of Ikeda Tower. Toyoshi is convinced in his cybermadness that Jiro is responsible for his “imprisonment”, and cuts a swath through Ikeda Tower to the penthouse to find his son. Toyoshi cannot distinguish Jiro from anyone else, and attacks everyone on sight. If Glue did not join the characters, he is searching the basement for toxic magic when the cyberzombie stirs. In either case, Glue attacks the cyberzombie and manages to cut off its head before he is cut down in a pitiful amount of time. The centaur’s foolhardy attack gives the runners time to hide. Even headless, Toyoshi continues his rampage. The paydata is in red wood-backed book secured in a safe with a physical lock concealed in the wood of Toyoshi’s desk.

Stealth is paramount in avoiding Toyoshi in the penthouse, especially until the runners manage to disable him. While Toyoshi is not as weaponized as one might expect from a cyberzombie, he is still as durable as a tank and can easily crush bones in his hands. The guardian spirit in the silk walls can prevent the cyberzombie’s backup visual sensors from easily seeing through the silk, but Toyoshi quickly picks up on any sounds and crashes through the flimsy silk walls to attack. The guardian spirit recognizes Toyoshi’s shredded essence and does not attack the cyberzombie.

The Eye is intent on evacuating Ikeda Tower as soon as the cyberzombie wakes up. Runners can convince him to use his drones and decking skills to impair the cyberzombie, especially if they use the Project Wellspring data to prove that Ikeda has no money to pay the hacker. In the same safe that holds the paydata is a black leather book of poetry Toyoshi shared with his favorite mistress. If the cyberzombie sees a runner with the book, it flies into a rage and focuses its attacks on that runner. Runners who use the poems can confuse the cyberzombie, or cause it so much emotional distress that it commits seppuku by pulling out its artificial organs.

At a critical juncture in the cyberzombie’s hunt, the runners are contacted by their fixer or by The Eye, urging them to evacuate Ikeda Tower before orbital ordnance is used to destroy all evidence of the cyberzombie. Soon after the call, Ikeda Tower is destroyed.

*SETTLING DEBTS*
Once the dust has settled, the runners are approached by a representative from Renraku who offers them a moderate reward in exchange for their silence about the whole Ikeda matter. In the event that the runners are able to subdue Toyoshi, Renraku offers a bonus for whatever remains of the cyberzombie. Ikeda Jiro disappears from the world stage, never to be found.


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## Deuce Traveler (Oct 10, 2016)

*Iron DM 2016, Round 2, Match 1, Deuce Traveler Submission (Get Ye to the Underdark)*

*Title:* Get Ye to the Underdark

*Ruleset:* D&D with familiar Underdark lore as the backdrop

*Ingredients:*

Heir to Nothing
Silken Wallpaper
Useless Glue
Headless Hunter
Gutted Machine
Star crossed book
Lazy Eye

*Synopsis:*

D'roal was a great disappointment to his drow family for he had exceeded their expectations and somehow survived into adulthood.  When he was born into his matriarchal society he was already an embarrassment, as the fourth male child in a minor noble house, he could expect to inherit no aristocratic title, no military rank, and no religious function.  So he was sent out again and again in the hopes he would die in some glorious battle, but he always returned victorious and without recognition for his valor; thus a continued source of embarassment to his house.

S'zann was an older, married matriarch of a strong noble house, and D'roal's lover.  The two had a magnetic attraction to one another, causing controversial whispers about their co-dependency towards one another.  When S'zann needed a hitman, or thief in the night, D'roal was always there.  When D'roal was in political trouble, S'zann would pull just the right strings to help.  But now S'zann was vulnerable, as she was greatly injured and lost her spellbook during a raid on the druegar forces of Eyz'la the Beholder.  The spellbook is beyond valuable, having been passed down through the generations of house matrons.  In happier times, she had even taught D'roal some minor magics from it when the two were able to have rare moments of elongated privacy.  Rumors are now flying about the loss, and S'zann's enemies, including her husband, are calling her unfit and seeking ways to unseat her.

Always brash, D'roal gathered a force of fellow drow outcasts and raided Eyz'la's fortress, succeeding in reaching its center and his lover's spellbook.  While there, his men slew several duergar and destroyed much of the fortress' defenses.  Yet they were outmatched once Eyz'la's vehicle, an enormous headless iron golem wielding a weapon in each hand, was commanded by the beholder to attack them.  With several of his friends now dead, D'roal was desperate to escape and found a device the beholder's servants helped create: a machine that created short-lived, but stabilized teleportation portals.  D'roal's forces figured out how to create a portal, but lacked the time to learn how to set the location.  They had the portal created to a random place, pulled the main portions of the machine from its encasement, and retreated through into the unknown.  Eyz'la ordered his golem to pursue, and it had crossed the portal behind the fleeing drow just as the portal collapsed.

A day later, Eyz'la and his duergar caught up with the drow and golem, who had been teleported to the world's surface.  The drow fled into a surface fortress, killed or captured the inhabitants, and sealed its great door to the pursuing golem.  The golem was quite damaged from drow sorties when Eyz'la caught up, and it had to have its hunt stopped.  The golem was ordered back to camp and repaired before receiving a new set of instructions: patrol around the fortress looking for drow scouts to fight, and to return to Eyz'la's camp for repairs when injured.  The drow have thus far been unable to get out and flee, while Eyz'la's men have been unable to create a breach in the walls, though the golem gives an occassional scare when it hammers a side wall or pursues pointy-eared scouts.

*Adventure Hook:*

The local lord wants these invaders out as soon as possible, which is where the heroes come in.  The heroes discover that each force is at an equal strength to their own, so taking out one force would be difficult, while both would be very tough without preparation, external resources, and planning.  Luckily, both Underdark forces are quite ready to go home and are more than willing to negotiate with surface dwellers.

Eyz'la's camp might not be as well defended, but his forces are formidable with duergar warriors and casters, the iron golem, and Eyz'la himself.  In fact they might have been victorious already if Eyz'la wasn't such a horrible leader.  The eye tyrant hates travel, which is why he had constructed his headless golem in the first place, along with his newest invention, the portal-creating teleportation device that can fit him on his golem and entourage wherever they want to go for short and easy trips.  Eyz'la hates being away from his comfortable home, and hates the surface, the weather, and the smell of the place.  He wants the portal-making machine back that was gutted from its housing since it took much wealth and time to build, and he wants the drow punished for what they have done to him and his home.  As a bonus, the eye tyrant would also like the drow spellbook back, as he found the little he was able to study in it quite fascinating.  The duergar feel that if Eyz'la leads the attack from his cockpit at the top of his iron golem, they can win an assault on the front gates, but the miserable beholder complains constantly instead and won't come out of his enormous tent.

The drow are less trusting, but want safe passage home, which is why they are delaying while trying to figure out Eyz'la's device.  If they can return with both S'zann's spellbook and the device, D'roal believes he can return to a hero's welcome and a seat in his lover's court, bringing great honor to himself, his family, and getting closer to being officially recognized as S'zann's paramour.  He constantly carries around S'zann's book, gripping it unconsciously as he talks about her situation.  All he needs are those beholder's forces wiped out or scattered.  He is in a great position to defend himself, as his drider's have secretly coated the tall courtyard columns and walls with finely layered spidersilk so that it looks part of the artistry of the place.  D'roal is ready to 'accidentally' let the front walls be opened so he can lead Eyz'la's forces into a trap, while his men press the enemy into the spider-webbed walls.  The driders in this force walk across these treated walls with ease, firing ranged attacks into any battle.  The one missing piece of the plan is how to trap the iron golem, who can rip through the webbing easily and has been so deadly.  Using drider bile, the drow have created large vats of glue to pour down upon the golem, but so far it has proven useless as the golem rips through it with ease before it can harden.

The party can decide to help one side against the other, either after convincing Eyz'la to get motivated enough to join the battle or helping D'roal come up with an alternate formula for his thus-far useless glue or otherwise finding a way to neutralize the golem.  Or the party can help the drow jerry-rig the stolen machine to create a portal back home, leaving Eyz'la to pursue them into the Underdark.  The victorious side will thank the party and willingly return home once their objectives are met.  The party can also try to pit the overly cautious forces into a final confrontation and pick off the survivors, but the drow and duergar are quite familiar with games of treachery and may have plans of their own to meet with such possibilities.  Still, it might be better to take the risk than allow either side to get away with a device that can create stable teleportation portals to the surface, as well as to avoid retribution for their actions.

On the other hand, the party might find much to admire between the two opponents, as D'roal is quite courageous and Eyz'la focused on intellectual pursuits.  They can help both sides come non-violently to an agreement, with D'roal giving up the stolen part of the portal machine and promising some financial restitution if his plan to save S'zann political future works, while Eyz'la promises to allow their safe return and give back any killed or captured allies of D'roal.  D'roal might be a drow, but he has become a leader by taking care of his outcasts.

Good-aligned parties that help one or both sides can expect a single favor should they need it in the future, such as safe passage through the Underdark, martial aid, or intellectual investigation.  Evil-aligned parties might find this as a potential opening to a future alliance.  The surface lord will be pleased with the Underdark forces being dealt with and will reward the party depending on the final state of the liege's fortress and nearby people.


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## Wicht (Oct 10, 2016)

Note that the judgment was amended because it was pointed out I had done some math wrong, and I had, and it made a difference in the judgment. 

[sblock=Judgment for LongGoneWrier vs Deuce Traveler]
*Iron DM 2016
Round 2, Match 1*
_LongGoneWrier vs. Deuce Traveler_

As I read through the two entries, the first thing I would say is that if there was a prize for most improved during the match, LongGoneWrier, who is competing in his first Iron DM tournament would be a shoe-in. Deuce Traveler, our reigning champion, would, one would think, be the favored to win in a matchup such as this, a seasoned veteran of the contest, with wins under his belt, going up against a new-comer, but just on the read through, and initial assessment, I think this is going to be a close match. At least it is for me.

Let me also say at the outset that there is a lot to like in both of these entries, but there are also some weaknesses in both, and I find it kinda interesting that, as in the first round when I judged, so too here, we see some similar weaknesses in each one, which we will get around to in a bit…

So let’s get to tallying up some points. We will begin with *Following Rules*. Both were turned in on time. However, each one, when I plug them into Word, went over word count. And both did it in the same way – with the description of system after the title. Neither one is vastly over, both are within 10 words of being right, but there you have it. So I will dock each one a single point for this goof (ironically and pointedly, we discussed this very issue back on pages 2 and 3 of this very thread). Since each one had the same mistake, that’s a bit of a wash. However, when they are checked for word count, LongGoneWrier's is a few words over. Initially, my computer said that Deuce Traveler's was as well, but on subsequently checking, it was not. I am not completely sure what caused that glitch, but there you are. Because it is over the word count, I am deducting one point from LongGoneWrier's for the slip. 

As far as* ingredient use*, I don’t think either of these entries was the best I have seen in this competition. 

Heir to Nothing was used by both in a similar way, by having one of the movers behind the plot be an individual who is heir to nothing, the one because it was all squandered by his father, and the other because he is a male drow. In "_Corporate Downsizing_" (hereafter CD), I think the idea is captured quite nicely, but I do have one minor quibble. The PCs don’t actually themselves do much interaction with the poor heir. He is background and macguffin. The heir to nothing in _"Get Ye to the Underdark"_ (hereafter GYU) is more active with the NPCs, but his lack of an inheritance is really not all that special, in the culture he comes from – any male drow would have a similar standing. In each case I will give the use 1.5 points out of the possible 2. 

Silken Wallpaper is our next ingredient. In both cases the entry is a bit of a cheat, focusing on the adjective silken, but ignoring the noun “paper.” I think in this case, the slight edge for use goes to CD, as the wallpaper’s ability to block the cyberzombie’s search for them is a neat sort of thing, and though spider webs can be fun for an adventure, they aren’t necessarily all that innovative. (1.5 for CD, 1 for GYU)

Now we have “Useless Glue,” and here LongGoneWrier falls into a rookie mistake. We have a centaur named Glue, but he could have been named anything. He’s also not all that useless in the adventure as he is a possible ally and is fated to weaken the BBG. Deuce Traveler has glue in the adventure, but not really in a way that necessarily will ever matter to the PCs, unless the PCs decide to join up with the drow and have some alchemical know-how. Still Deuce gets this ingredient as an edge (.5 for CD, 1.5 for GYU). 

Headless hunter was used in both adventures in a way I mostly liked, though the script that brings about the headless hunter in CD is one of my issues I will talk about later. But in both cases I will give full points. 

In Gutted Machine, we have an ingredient where I think GYU is the clearly better use. In CD we have the potential seppuku of the cyberzombie, which while neat, is not necessarily a certainty. The gutted machine, in GYU is a major plot point, though it is a plot point providing motivation, rather than necessarily being a challenge for the PCs. (1 for CD; 1.5 for GYU)

The star-crossed book is likewise, in GYU, a macguffin (making two of them in a single adventure, which is a neat sort of intersection of dueling motivations; though they are weak macguffins in that they matter far more to the NPCs than they ever will to the PCs). I admit that I like the Romeo and Juliet reference, for while I detest the play, a classic is a classic. The book in CD is also a Macguffin, and one with more interest to the PCs, but I confess I am not sure in what way it is meant to be star-crossed. In neither case is the ingredient the best, but I will give a slight edge to GYU here (1 for CD, 1.5 for GYU)

Finally we get to Lazy Eye. I notice that in each case they contestant named their laze eye, “Eye” and in GYU’s case, the name is even more derivative. However, in each case, the eye is central and plays a role befitting an eye (watchman in one, beholder in the other). For this ingredient I will give both full marks. 

At the end of the analysis, GYU was just slightly better than CD with ingredient use. Was it enough to win…?

Let’s talk about the *usability *of each adventure. 

Let me say upfront that I think both of these, with some work would be quite usable, though I think one is slightly better than the other. I also think both of them have a similar problem with too much story and not enough “encounters.” What I mean by that is that each of them presents a very complex and rich backstory, but do not actually provide the smaller pieces of the adventure that would make each more fully realized. 

With CD, I also see a weakness in the fact that the adventure is just a little too tightly scripted. The ending is written before the PCs ever actually make any choices. Some of this scripting is good, and leads to a fantastic scene with the cyberzombie hunting the PCs through the tower. That has “B” movie excellence written all over it and I really like it (and it would work too in Shadowrun, much better than in a D&D game). But RPGs don’t always happen according to script and just a little more flexibility would really strengthen this entry. What happens if the PCs kill the centaur before the centaur beheads the zombie? What happens if the find an ingenious way to take out the zombie? I can’t give CD full points, but there’s a good adventure here, and the potential for a really fun adventure as well. So 4.5 out of 6 is how I am going to call this one.

With GYU, we have a different set of problems as far as usability. In fact, I think just a little more scripting would have made this one stronger. We have a lot of backstory, a great set-up and then we are simply plopping the PCs down into it and seeing what they do. Its very sandboxy, but a little more of a timeline, a few more ideas for encounters and events would not have been amiss. As it is, the GM is left to wing it as much as the players. 

I also am pretty sure that most parties of PCs would try some sort of “kill them all and let the gods sort them out” technique to solving the problem. So all the backstory becomes something of a wash if the PCs don’t try diplomacy out with one side or another. I like where the set-up is taking us, but I think it could have taken us a little further. I’m going to be generous though and give GYU a 4 out of 6 for usability. 

And so finally we come to *Style*. How well does each adventure appeal to me? 

There’s a lot I like in GYU. I get a Krang from TMNT vibe from the golem, and something of a Terminator vibe from the drow teleporting who knows where, chased by the golem. It also brings up vaguely fond memories for me of one of my childhood module favorites: UK3 The Gauntlet. 

But the adventure loses a little luster for me when there is a built in expectation of negotiating with evil to help defeat another evil. And drow NPCs as sympathetic characters is a no-go for me. I can take Drizzt in small doses, but these guys should be major villains, not romantic foils. I’m going to go with 4 out of 6 points here for style. I suspect that another DM, more fond of heavy Role-playing opportunities would rate it higher, but 4 is as high as I can go. 

With CD there’s also a lot I like. Shadowrun is one of those settings I wish I could play in more (or at all) (just haven’t found the right group I suppose). I also think the idea of the cyberzombie crashing heedlessly through the complex is fantastic, full of cinematic possibilities. I get a real 80’s sci-fi “B” movie feel from this one, and I like it. The too-tight script keeps it from being thematically perfect stylewise, and the centaur needs a little bit of work as a plot element, but I think I can give this one a 5 out of 6 for style. 

So, looking at the score, "_Corporate Downsizing_" beats "_Get Ye to the Underdark_" (and let me just add that if I was being really cantankerous I would cut points off of each for really lousy titles; but I am feeling not all that cantankerous tonight, so I won’t) by the slimmest of margins. We’ll have to see what the other judges think, but I think, personally, the champ met his match in the up and comer this round.  _"Get Ye to the Underdark"_ edges out "Corporate Downsizing," bu a single point. In this case, Deuce won because of his better ingredient use, and his being under word count. The champ defends his title one more round, by my estimation, but the up and comer certainly provided a good match. Congratulations to both, but the score tips to Deuce to advance once again to the final round.

*LongGoneWrier – Corporate Downsizing* 
*Followed the Rules* 5/6
*Ingredient Use* 9.5/14
*Usability *4.5/6
*Style *5/6
*Total: 24/32*

*Deuce Traveler – Get Ye to the Underdark
Followed the Rules* 6/6
*Ingredient Use* 11/14
*Usability *4/6
*Style *4/6
*Total: 25/32*
[/sblock]


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## Lwaxy (Oct 10, 2016)

Very difficult to decide. Apologies for this being a bit short, but I  seem to have gotten a fever and have a bit of a problem staying awake. 

*Rules *- my word count had both slightly over, so no advantage here. Both were in time. 

*Use of ingredients*

*Heir to Nothing* - Both adventures used this in a similar way (not that surprising) and both uses were good. No advantage. 

*Silken Wallpaper* - I love the drider webbing in _Get Ye to the Underdark_.  It could,of course, be completely avoided by the players, which makes  it less strong. The walls in _Corporate Downsizing_,  however, could have been made from any other material. Not really bad  because the ingredient has to go somewhere. But I liked the drider  webbing a tad more. _Advantage Get Ye to the Underdark. _

*Useless Glue* - While I had a laugh at Glue the Centaur because we have a  saying here that useless horses become glue, and I kept reading Ikea  instead of Ikeda and with Ikea you often do need glue ... anyway, it's  just a name. The drider bile in _Get Ye to the Underdark_ is an actual  part of the story. _Advantage Get Ye to the Underdark._ 

*Headless  Hunter *- Yeah, well... the cyberzombie in _Corporate Downsizing_ was more  relevant as a hunter - if only slightly. Technically, it didn't hunt but  just leash out at people. However, the golem in _Get Ye to the Underdark_  wasn't really doing any hunting either. it was mostly there to carry  the lazy beholder around. In coolness, cyberzombie wins over iron golem  anytime. _Advantage Corporate Downsizing._ 

*Gutted Machine* - In _Get Ye to the Underdark_, this is the thingamajig  carrying the whole story - the beholder wants his portal partials back  or he wouldn't have bothered. Yet, it is also a weak part. How did the  beholder's crew follow the drow that fast if their means to travel was  disrupted? Even if their lair was relatively close to the surface, they  would have needed a means to find out where their foes had ended up. So  all that explains this here could be "it's magic"in one way or the  other, which is fine but leaves a bit of an unfinished feeling. In  _Corporate Downsizing_, it's the cyberzombie gutting himself, which is  cool enough. But then, this is not a guaranteed outcome nor that  essential. After all the cyberzombie might as well be thrown off the  roof or end up disabled by any other means, knowing that Runners will be  Runners. _Advantage Get Ye to the Underdark_. 

*Star Crossed Book* - In _Corporate Downsizing_, it's the love getting to  the cyberzombie's heart, but again, it's not sure if the PCs ever  encounter this. In _Get Ye to the Underdark_, it's the spellbook the drow  wants, and not for love alone but for the usual scheming reasons drow do  things. Problem with this is, again, that the PCs might never even hear  about it, as drow aren't likely to share any sort of unneeded  information, especially not with temporary allies in case the PCs rather  side with the drow. No advantage here. 

*Lazy Eye* - And again, in both cases, it turned into names. In both  cases, the use was creative enough for it being names. No advantage. 


*Readability*
_
Corporate  Downsizing_ was easy to read, no big twists and turns to look up again  later. _Get Ye to the Underdark _suffers a bit from a wall of text for  backstory the normal group of adventurers will never hear about. There  was also a slight issue with long sentences (we call it boxed sentences  or run away sentences here - one sentence sits in the other until you  don't know what's what anymore). _ Advantage Corporate Downsizing. 
_
*Use in game play*

_Get  Ye to the Underdark_ leaves a lot for the GM to develop and explain,  which is not necessarily a bad thing. It's for the most part a sandbox  style adventure. Who do the PCs side with, what could the respective  sides offer them) do they even side with anyone or will they try to play  both sides or just go all in and slaughter them? Or maybe they bring  food enough diplomacy skills to have them make a deal. It could last  several sessions or be over with before the average GM can even think  about adding more complications. I like the idea of drow not only being  motivated by simple greed and need, but unless the group teams up with  them or even returns with them to the underdark, this will sadly not  play much of a role other than in the backstory. And that is one of my  pet peeves in adventures - so much backstory no one will ever find out  about. While it makes a good read for the GM, it is wasted unless there  is a reliable chance to encounter the information, and that's not the  case here. 

With_ Corporate Downsizing_, you will definitely have  them going in considering a Runner looking for a job most likely needs  the money. It is a clear, linear adventure which could need a bit of  improving in regards to the mix of challenges the team will face. Even  if The Eye is just out of retirement briefly and has little concern for  Ikeda, his professional pride alone would not likely let him sit by and  do nothing while a terrorist and a Runner team go about business in a  building he's supposed to protect. He might not be a challenge with the  lack of good equipment provided, but he must sure carry his own or at  least make the best of what he has. Also, if the runners know The Eye  will not be paid, there is little incentive for them to take the job  unless they've been paid beforehand, and we know how likely that is to  happen. Glue strikes me as someone who would rather try and convince the  Runners to aid his cause . after all, their objectives aren't that  opposed. The cyberzombie, on the other hand, suddenly jumps the  difficulty of the mission up by a lot. This can make for a cool twist,  as the adventure says, the milk gets sour. But it is difficult to keep  the interest of experienced Runners long enough for this to happen,even  if you are just going for a few hours of play. Last but not least - what  is the point in destroying all the data? In the building, sure, but if I  was Jiro I would want the data extracted for my own use. 

At the end,_ Corporate Downsizing _has the clearer, less background-info-drowed story_. Advantage Corporate Downsizing._

*Would my players have fun with it?*

Yes to both, but they would have slightly more fun, I believe, with _Corporate Downsizing_. 

So for me the winner, if not by much, is _Corporate Downsizing_.


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## Imhotepthewise (Oct 10, 2016)

Emergent family plans compel me to post earlier than expected, and so...


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## Imhotepthewise (Oct 10, 2016)

Like Clockwork

Balancing Act
Demonic Coin
Zombie Merchant
Triple Agent
Puzzle Box
Blood-Red Star
Horseless Carriage 

Russia. Moscow. Red Square…

Steam rolled across the bricks of Red Square in Moscow. The PCs are here to make contact with a man in a scarlet wool coat and a bearskin hat with a blood-red star medallion on it.  The hat is common, indicating a military man. The scarlet coat is unusual in a country that favors darker, less exciting colors.  They were sent there by an acquaintance in the British diplomatic service to meet this man. They have no prior knowledge of him, other than his physical description. They have no instructions other than to meet with him. It is night, slightly rainy, and the square is surprisingly deserted.  They find Miklos somewhat near the Kremlin wall, leaning on his unopened umbrella. 

Miklos greets them warmly, embracing them, and makes small talk, as if he has known them forever.  A pair of policemen drift into earshot.  Miklos tells the PCs of a book he recently read, about how a nalfeshnee artificer created puzzle boxes looking like woven bones to trade with other demons. The demon called them “Xatross Khan”, coining the demonic term “twisted bones”. 

Miklos continues the small talk and casually sizes up the PCs and the nearby policemen. The sound of a steam powered horseless carriage can be heard approaching.  As the carriage come into view, a lone driver can be seen.  The goblin engineer can be seen crawling over the vehicle’s clockwork engine, making adjustments and feeding more coal.  The noise of steam, rattling wood and iron, and tires rolling on bricks fills the night.

The vehicle prepares to pass near the party. The policemen leap towards Miklos and grab him in strong hands to bum rush him towards the approaching vehicle.  The policemen’s Russian is obviously not their first language, even non-Russians can tell.  The party notices the policemen are careful to take along his umbrella and hat, which could be easily left behind.  If the party reacts to follow them, they will hear them call Miklos a traitor to England and Her Majesty, in English.  Miklos is not a fighting man, so they ably hustle him into the passenger seat of the carriage unless the PCs intervene.  The “policemen” are British agents, well trained in unarmed fighting.  They quickly render Miklos unconscious.

The Brits hope to get away all together. If the policemen have to stay behind to allow the carriage to depart, so be it.  What the hit is primarily for is to get what is carrying in his umbrella and coat pockets.  They will not give Miklos himself up unless they have to.

There are other horseless carriages moving through the square that can be used by the PCs, even though their owners may be less than cooperative.  A carriage chase through the streets of Moscow would be exciting.

What happens next has a lot to do with what happens in the opening scene.

Aftermath.

If Miklos is saved, he will have to get out of Moscow. He know his cover is blown. He is carrying plans to a new Russian steam landship in the umbrella, plans to an outdated British submarine sewn into his coat, and xatross khan in his pocket.  He will give them to the PCs and tell them to take them to Buckingham Palace in London.  Showing the xatross khan at the palace will get them escorted quickly to an audience with a grateful royal majesty.  The exit from Moscow will involve avoiding aggressive British AND Russian agents eager to capture Miklos.

If a “policeman” is left behind, alive or dead, they will have an address to a safe house on them.  What the PCs can get out of an interrogated agent is up to the DM.  At least, that they are agents, that Miklos is also a British agent, and they consider him a traitor.  The PCs may learn that the policemen expected to find British secrets on him.

The Safe House

The safe house is in the upper floors of a building under construction. 

Getting near the building without the British agents seeing them coming is an issue, since one is always watching the construction site below.

The unskilled laborers at the safe house construction site are zombies. They are brought daily by their owner who gives them their orders and moves on to other sites to drop off more zombies. Zombies can dig and tote all day without complaint.  It would be easy enough to shamble along with the zombies unnoticed into the construction site.  They could try to slip in with the zombies shuffling along the street to work, hoping their owner does not notice.  They could also try to convince the entrepreneur to go along with their plan to his personal advantage in some way.  The zombie master is very organized but ruthless, not above obtaining new “employees” on the fly.  He is a good man to avoid in most times. He has contracts for labor all over the city, and runs his business with deft clockwork.

The British agents are in an open space high up in the building. There are only an array of rickety narrow planks that haphazardly work their way across the building floors and rickety ladders infrequently placed around. Some of the planks and ladders near the hideout have been weakened or piled with debris to give the agents warning if trespassers are approaching.

While the PCs are working their way up into the building, they encounter Russian agents looking to free Miklos away from the British.  The Russians are not formidable to the PCs, but are geared up enough to slow them down.  The Russians are enthusiastic about recovering Miklos.

The British agents are interrogating Miklos. A fighter he is not, but resistant to interrogation he is.  They are confused by what they find on him. His hat, coat, and opened umbrella lie on the table. Miklos will not tell them why he has the plans for a new Russian steam landship on him.  He also has plans to an outdated British submarine. Another agent intently twists the xantross khan, trying to find out what is inside. Its magnificently tiny workings flow and twist in firm denial of his efforts. The agents are armed appropriately to give the PCs and any surviving Russian agents a good fight.

The fight will be spectacular, spilling out on to the building floors under construction, with all the props that allows to be used.  If Miklos is freed during the fight, one of the British agents will try to kill him in earnest, suddenly speaking in better Russian than should be spoken as a second language.  Miklos will defend himself with a poisoned pin protruding from the blood-red star medal on his hat.

Aftermath.

If only the PCs showed up and rescue him, Miklos will confess he is an agent for the British, but that the British, except the Queen, think he was turned by the Russians. He will show them the plans to the latest Russian steam landship on the inside of the umbrella.  The sub plans are a ruse for the Russians. He will show them how to open the xatross khan, which contains a picture of Miklos in a private audience with Her Majesty. The picture is signed, “To Our Most Loyal Miklos, V.R.”

If the Russians show up too, things will be very sticky if they notice the landship plans, or become aware of the contents of the xatross khan.  They will probably be upset that their double agent has turned the tables on them as well.  Even if the first group of Russians is defeated earlier, any escapees will bring more Russian agents.  There are a limited amount of British agents in Moscow, but there are plenty of Russian ones.

The PCs and Miklos now have the sticky job of getting out of Russia.  Miklos has few assets to draw on.  He knows whoever catches him, he is unlikely to live.  Both sides assume he knows too much.  He will place his valuables in the PCs hands.  The PCs have their work cut out for them getting out home to England.  Like described above, they will be rewarded for their efforts if they return the items to Her Majesty.  If Miklos survives, he will be long in their debt.

Failure at any point can be assuaged with some vodka and black bread. Unless they turn away almost immediately upon Miklos’ kidnapping, the PCs will be marked as characters of interest to the intelligence services.

Balancing Act – crossing rickety boards
Demonic Coin – term used by demon for his puzzle box
Zombie Merchant – supplies zombie workers for labor
Triple Agent – Miklos, English Spy
Puzzle Box – the xatross khan
Blood-Red Star – on Miklos’ hat
Horseless Carriage – steam driven vehicles in Russia


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## Iron Sky (Oct 10, 2016)

[MENTION=67]Rune[/MENTION]?


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## Rune (Oct 10, 2016)

Iron Sky said:


> [MENTION=67]Rune[/MENTION]?




I'll have it in time.


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## Imhotepthewise (Oct 10, 2016)

I didn't mean to rush [MENTION=67]Rune[/MENTION]. I am currently wandering K Mart trying to appear interested. Take your time, good sir!


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## Iron Sky (Oct 10, 2016)

Rune said:


> I'll have it in time.




Oh, was busy most of the weekend and missed that it was "PM". Carry on!

I'll work on getting my Match 1 Judgement done tonight, by the way. This week is a bit busier than last week, so we'll see if I can manage to write under 10 pages (and get to bed before 2am)...


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## Rune (Oct 11, 2016)

*Round 2, Match 2*

Balancing Act
Demonic Coin
Zombie Merchant
Triple Agent
Puzzle Box
Blood-Red Star
Horseless Carriage 



Puzzle Box
_An Expanded Adventure or Campaign Front for Dungeon World, adaptable to any fantasy RPG. _

Each star in the sky is but a portal to another place, a hole in the veil that separates the worlds. Beyond, there are planes outside mortal reckoning. Some are mere inert places. Others...living things. An unmoving star, dim with gloom in day or night, points the way to the Black Gates of Death's Kingdom. Thither all mortal souls eventually must go. Until of late, that is. 

Some unknown attacker has found a means to wound the very plane, while capturing departing souls ere they transcend the mortal world. Through its blood-stained star, Death's Kingdom rains a foreign ichor with each new assault. The constant deluge cannot  be endured by mortal flesh; its touch turns life into undeath. 

Elsewhere, beyond the mortal veil, in a domain of demonkind, three mighty demons reside, bound by immortal curse to work in precarious harmony--an unholy trinity. This demonic triumvirate, known as the Wicked Three, scheme incessantly to undermine each other while projecting a unified agenda. 

*Cast:*

_Death_

Enigmatic and Immortal, Death's role in these affairs is indirect. Yet, often the lure of a return to life compels mortals to undertake his tasks.

When one of the PCs bargains with Death and is allowed to return to life, Death tasks them with pursuing the following three-fold agenda:

1) He would see the attacks on his domain ended, so that its wounds can heal. 
2) He would see the captured souls of the newly departed freed from their imprisonment. 
3) He would see the demonic triumvirate held in check, for their schemes threaten the order of all worlds. 

In return, the PC's spirit is returned to its body, wherever that may be. 

It would be possible to ignore these imperatives without immediate reprisal, but the PC will certainly meet Death again one day, and Death does not like being cheated. 

_Cerberus, Agent of the Wicked Three_

Cerberus is a demon serving the demonic triumvirate in the mortal world. He is not their only asset, but is, perhaps, their most powerful upon the mortal plane. Thus, Cerberus is often given commands in secret by one master that run counter to the interests of the others. Cerberus is compelled to follow any such command unless it directly conflicts with another. In such cases, he does the best he can, though not without resentment. 

Currently:

The Rotten Prince commands that Cerberus trade in corruption, undermine the mortals' social order, and spread zombies through the land. Thus, Cerberus sells zombie slaves to unscrupulous profiteers and aspiring warlords, accepting payment only in the form of favors or a peculiar demonic mint of coin. This demonic coin can be acquired only from him--and only by bringing him people to be made undead. Cerberus is gifted with some minor tricks of necromancy and can control nearby zombies. When he sells a zombie, Cerberus passes this trick on to the new owner. 

If the PCs approach Cerberus with the intent to enter the Bloodmire, he may offer to sell them a waterproofed carriage and a team of zombies to pull it safely through the Bloodmire--but only for demonic coin, or some future favor.  

The Blood-Lord commands that Cerberus wrest control of the growing numbers of blood-birthed zombies and use them to assault the mortal world. To achieve this, Cerberus will slaughter one of the dark pilgrims camped outside the Bloodmire, seize and study his dark grimoire, and devise an incantation to extend by miles his command over undead. 

The Overseer commands that Cerberus collect souls of the newly departed as they ascend toward Death's Kingdom, that they may be consumed. To this end, Cerberus has acquired a legendary artifact, a puzzle box called Sagacity, in which to hold the souls. Cerberus cannot capture all souls that ascend toward Death's Kingdom, but they are plentiful, of late. How he is able to capture them is a secret known only to demonkind, but the process is so violent that it rends a new wound in the foreign plane each time a soul would pass through the blood-red star. How he is able to trap them within Sagacity is another secret, known only by Cerberus. 

Cerberus is commanded to keep Sagacity secure--even from himself, in case his other masters have learned of it and scheme to twist its use. When not collecting souls, Cerberus relinquishes Sagacity to the mindless zombies that mill about within the Bloodmire. 

Once enough souls are trapped to satiate the Overseer's needs, Cerberus forces a learned sage to work out Sagacity's secrets. Alternately, if the PCs manage to acquire Sagacity, he may attempt to force them to do likewise before seizing it again. 

*Dangers:*

_The Bloodmire_

Beneath the blood-red star lies the ever-spreading Bloodmire. Exposure to the foreign ichor here makes zombies out of mortal life. 

Grim Portent 1) The Bloodmire crawls with zombies. 
Grim Portent 2) Local waterways run red with blood. 
Grim Portent 3) The Bloodmire seeps into neighboring lands.  
_Impending Doom:_ Zombie apocalypse spreads across the world. 
_Moves:_
•Convert a living creature into a zombie. 
•Witness a soul fly toward the red-star. 
•Attract dark pilgrims. 
_Stakes:_
•Can the PCs traverse the Bloodmire safely?
•Can Sagacity be acquired?
•Will the blood-rains stop?

_Agent of the Blood-Lord, Carnage Incarnate_

Grim Portent 1) The Blood-Lord's agent slaughters a dark pilgrim and seizes his grimoire. 
Grim Portent 2) The Blood-Lord's agent learns how to command zombies from miles away. 
Grim Portent 3) The zombies attack all living creatures. 
_Impending Doom: _The demonic balance of power is broken. Zombies destroy civilization. Carnage reigns. 
_Moves:_
•Slaughter an innocent. 
•Encourage violence among mortals. 
•Strike a bargain that results in carnage. 
_Stakes: _
•Will terror turn mortals upon each other?
•Will anything beautiful remain?
•Will the PCs help Cerberus serve the Blood-Lord?

_Agent of the Rotten Prince, Merchant of Decay_

Grim Portent 1) The zombie ranks swell with folk captured through guile or force. 
Grim Portent 2) Zombies are sold to unscrupulous owners. 
Grim Portent 3) Zombies labor throughout the land. 
Impending Doom: The demonic balance of power is broken. None pure-of-heart remain to contest the corrupting influence of the Rotten Prince. 
_Moves:_
•Pay a finder's fee for the delivery of a mortal. 
•Throw a mortal into the Bloodfields. 
•Trade in corruption. 
_Stakes:_
•Will the PCs bring a victim to Cerberus?
•Will the PCs owe Cerberus a favor?
•Will the PCs provoke vicious retribution?

_Agent of the Overseer, Master's Hound_

Grim Portent 1) The Overseer's agent stops trapping souls. 
Grim Portent 2) The Overseer's agent forces a sage to unlock Sagacity. 
Grim Portent 3) The Overseer devours the souls as they escape. 
_Impending Doom: _The demonic balance of power is broken. A new age of tyranny rules over demonkind and mortal alike. 
_Moves:_
•Capture a mortal's departing soul. 
•Dominate the meek. 
•Command zombies to protect Sagacity. 
_Stakes:_
•Can the PCs save the soul of someone dear?
•Will the PCs have to go through dominated pawns?
•Will the PCs bow down?

*Sagacity:*

An ancient artifact, so old the immortals do not even know its maker, this puzzle box was crafted to unlock wisdom with its solving, even as intelligence is tested. Although fashioned from humble oak, it is seemingly indestructible. Nothing, incorporeal or otherwise, can pass through it. Its cleverly interlocked panels are magically warded such that only some unknown trigger can release them. 

An inscription appears on the outer surfaces, but is not constant through the ages. 

With study, Sagacity can be manipulated to reveal a narrow slot  through which allows some things to enter, but not escape. The contents of Sagacity affect the specific trigger needed to unlock it, as well as the surface inscription, but the thematic nature of the trigger remains constant. 

Currently, each face bears one line of these lines:

Light in darkness, stained in blood. 
Demons' omen, undead flood.
Agent of the Wicked Three:
Vengeance, Violence, Tyranny. 
Debt of souls withheld from thee,
Must be balanced to be free.​
When someone attempts to open Sagacity after performing an action that brings events surrounding Sagacity back into balance, roll + INT. On a 10+, Sagacity is opened and all of its contents are released. Aside from the trapped souls, wondrous and ancient secrets may be revealed. On a 7+, Sagacity is opened only enough to free the souls. In their rush to escape, the opener may suffer injury from the spectral onslaught. On a 6 or less, mark  XP. Sagacity remains unopened, but can still be opened in the future, if a separate triggering action releases its wards. 

Possible balancing actions could include: achieving a balance of power among the scheming demons, balancing of the proportional shift from living creatures toward undead (likely by destroying many zombies), balancing debt incurred in dealings with the zombie merchant, or atonement for amoral deeds done in pursuit of demonic coin.


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## Rune (Oct 11, 2016)

Gah. Hard to format in a rush while finger-typing into a phone.


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## Imhotepthewise (Oct 11, 2016)

Rune said:


> Gah. Hard to format in a rush while finger-typing into a phone.




Show off!


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## Wicht (Oct 11, 2016)

Firstly, sorry for the delay caused by not being able to get to this yesterday.

That being said, we have

*Iron DM 2016*
*Round 2, Match 2*
_Imhotepthewise vs. Rune_

In this match we have two very different entries going up against each other. Imhotep’s offering,_ Like Clockwork_ essentially gives us a one-shot type of adventure set in a steampunk mirror universe. Rune gives us not so much an adventure as a campaign backdrop of gothic horror. 

In the matter of following the rules, both turned in on time and under word count so both adventures get the full 6 out of 6 points from me for that.

In the matter of Ingredient use, I think one of the entries was clearly superior. That is often the deciding factor in these things; let’s see if that is the case here.

Let’s start off with the ingredients I did not think was well used in either, and that is *Horseless Carriage*. Both had a horseless carriage, one a steam-vehicle, the other a carriage pulled by zombies. In neither did I feel the ingredient to be essential, so 1 out of 2 for each for using it, but no more.

I was not overly impressed with either use of *demonic coin*, though I think it was used better in _Puzzle Box_. I’ll give 1.5 out of 2 to _Puzzle Box_ for the use, but the fact that the PCs could find alternate coin to use (such as favors) weakened the implementation. In _Like Clockwork_, the use is a cheat, in my estimation, not being anything substantive in the adventure, nor anything the PCs will find necessary to know. It’s just a play on words in the background. .5 out of 2 for _Like Clockwork_. 

*Balancing act* was also used better, I think, in _Puzzle Box_. As a set piece, it does see use in _Like Clockwork_, but not an essential set piece. It’s brief flavor and then it is gone. This ingredient however, is an essential part of the framework of _Puzzle Box_, where if the demonic balance is broken, the world will end. 2 points here to Rune, but only 1 to Imhotepthewise. 

There is a similar sort of mechanic at play with the *Blood-red Star* in both entries. In _Like Clockwork_ it is a passing sort of color, but in _Puzzle Box_ it is a vibrant part of the campaign that must be dealt with. Again, 1 point to _Like __Clockwork_, but 2 to _Puzzle Box_.

*Zombie Merchant* sees slightly better use in _Like Clockwork_, but it is weakened by the advice that the PCs would be wise to avoid the man. Ingredients are meant to be integral to the adventure, not avoided. Cerebrus as a zombie merchant is stronger I think, and so again, 2 points to Rune, 1.5 to Imhotepthewise.

In both adventures, I think the *Puzzle Box* and the *Triple Agent* were well used, though slightly more flavorably in Rune’s entry. But in both cases, I will give full marks. 

When it comes to usability, I think that Imhotepthewise’s entry is far better. Rune’s vision was quite broad and colorful, but so broad that as an adventure, it is weakened. It is really a campaign setting, with campaign goals, and a DM would have to craft individual adventures to actually flesh it out. It is also hampered by the presentation of challenges and events – a presentation the mechanics of which are obscure. I think I can puzzle them out, but they are not immediately useable. Contrarily, Imhotep’s narrowness of vision makes his ideal for a one-night sort of story. The main difficulty is that it is possible for the adventure to completely fizzle if the PCs don’t make the right choices early on, and there needs to be a greater amount of contingency for PCs that go off the rails. 

Still and all, I am going to give_ Like Clockwork_ 4 out of 6 for usability, but _Puzzle Box_ only 2 out of 6.

When it comes to style, I like both of them. I like the intrigue of_ Like Clockwork_, and the macabre atmosphere of _Puzzle Box_. In both cases I will give 5 out of 6 for style.

In the end, ingredient use becomes the primary factor here in victory. Like Clockwork’s sub-par ingredient use prevented it from being a stronger contender. Rune’s is hampered by the fact that it’s not really an adventure, but a campaign world, but the strong use of ingredients allows it to overcome so that Rune gets my vote to go on to the finals.  


*Like Clockwork*
*Rules *6/6
*Ingredients *9/14
*Usability   *4/6
*Style *5/6   
*Total:  24/32*

*Puzzle Box*
*Rules *6/6
*Ingredients  *12/14
*Usability *2/6
*Style  *5/6
*Total: 25/32*


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## Iron Sky (Oct 11, 2016)

*Round 2, Match 1 Judgement*

Let me preface this by saying I have a few personal biases in this match that I'm going to work very hard at not swaying me as a judge:

 1) I love scifi roleplaying games. After I tried to run a Shadowrun Campaign, we called the game "Unkillable Troll, the Intense Over-specialization RPG" (maybe 5E fixed this), but that you even entered a scifi adventure made me grin since they happen so rarely in the contest. Modern zombie/vampire adventures we see once in a while, but scifi? Rare mojo.

 2) Fantasy names where every name has apos'trophe or t'w'o is a huge pet-peeve of mine and I struggle (often in vain) to finish novels that do this regularly. Ironically, the terrible ambitious fantasy novel I wrote in college and subsequently spent a year failing hard to get published has TONS of them.

 3) I don't understand people's fascination with drow and the Underdark in general. Neither ever existed in my fifteen years of D&D campaigns and, barring the rare beholder or glowing mushroom, Underdark staples like drow and dogoorar never have either.

 That stated, I was pleasantly surprised (and relieved) that both adventures are readable – though one's writing superior to the other, as we'll get to later – well edited, interesting, and both seem to be complete adventures. You had double the words to do it with, so I'd hope so. _Man_ was that first round difficult to judge.  

 They both look pretty solid (pre-analysis), so you may have made my job challenging yet again.  

 Let's get started.

 [sblock=Corporate Downsizing]_Does it have any "cool factors" - things that will elicit "neat", "cool", "awesome", or, best of all: "wow!"?_ 

 Busting into a corporate mega-tower to steal or destroy the Immortality Project while avoiding or co-opting a battle-centaur only to face down a cyber-zombie. That's pretty neat (and pretty easy to sum up).

_Does it seem like an adventure that would be fun to play and an interesting premise to pitch to players?_ 

 The pitch is easy – one advantage of choosing Shadowrun as there's a pretty set "we're a team of covert-ops cyber-mercenaries" episodic shtick that makes setting them off on an adventure as easy as having a Mr. Johnson show up with a mission and some nuyen. As far as fun for players, let's see what they get to do:

 They get the job, scope out the place, bust in, discover there's almost no security, run from, fight, or co-opt a centaurborg, take on a cyberzombie in a temple penthouse with spirit-walls, fight an unkillable cybertank, and kill it with poetry before a sattelite nukes the place from orbit. It sounds fun, only part that might make it more fun is if there was more challenge before the nigh-unstoppable tank shows up.

 The hacker doesn't fight them, the drones are easy to avoid (and the hacker operating them doesn't care much), the centaur sounds easily avoidable or cooperative, the spirit guardian only fights if they are breaking stuff, and the cyberzombie sounds like something beyond their ability to kill unless they figure out its only weakness is bad poetry or flee from it. If they like chase scenes running from unstoppable enemies, they'll enjoy this I suppose.

Pacing-wise, is seems to run little to no challenge until the climax where they learn that this thing fights even with no head and either take it out with a silver bullet or have to run; I.E. little challenge jumping suddenly to impossible challenge. This could come across as fun, but I can see it just as easily be frustrating. No one really has a challenge to push them or feel cool defeating until they run into something they can't beat unless they figure out the kill-switch the GM threw in to do it for them OR until Mr. Johnson calls and says he'll do it from orbit...

 Lastly, the Eye seems to be a marginal threat if any and seems to be little more help if they ask while the guardian spirit is similar. Without pretty serious GM hints, I doubt players will get to spout poetry at the half-metal murder monster ripping people in half.

_Is the entry fun to read or at least easy?_ 

 It was an easy, well-written, quick read. The writing is transparent: it gets out of the way to present no barrier to accessing content. This is perfectly that.

 The whole scenario is interesting and entertaining.

_Is the adventure clearly understandable?_ 

 The corporate politics took a couple read-throughs to get and I'm not sure how Jiro's plan is supposed to work. He's got a fraudulent immortality project he's trying to sell, so to cover it up and save face(?), he has shadowrunners steal or delete it? Either way, wouldn't that make Renraku back out of the takeover as the one thing they wanted from the company is gone either way? To top it off, he eventually nukes his own building to get rid of everything anyway – I'm assuming this was because he didn't realize what his father had become until The Eye transmits some footage of the paterfamilia's headless rampage?

_Is the editing appealing or at least legible? Are there typos?_

 Editing was clean, well-organized, and I don't remember a single typo.

*Playability*
_Do the players' choices or, at the very least, their presence in the adventure matter?_ 

 Without their presence, Jiro would probably just hire another group of shadowrunners, but this is the shtick for Shadowrun, so it kind-of renders this question null. Still, if they succeed at everything, get the records, take down Toyoshi, they get paid for staying silent after the building is vaporized. If they fail at everything, don't find the records, run from Toyoshi (and live), they get paid for staying silent after the building is vaporized. They only real difference is how much damage they take and whether they randomly get the zombie-chunk bonus because someone's a trophy collector – they were sent to get records, not harvest cyborgs after all.

 Usually not a huge sign of an adventure's strength when it turns out almost exactly the same whether they succeed or fail.

 As for choices, their most interesting choice is what to do with Glue, though he dies no matter what – either they kill him or Toyoshi does – the only difference is whether he shows them how much of a threat the zombie tank is first.

_Is all the cool stuff buried in the backstory or do the players get to see it too?_ 

 Good news, most of the best stuff is what they deal with, unless they are into the nitty-gritty of mega-corporate politics, I guess.

_Would this be fun and exciting to run?_ 

 I'm not sure it would be. For interesting characters to play with, I have Mr. Johnson Jiro, who is the quest giver, Glue who is the sacrifice to show how unkillable the final boss is, The Eye, who just "watch[es] trash soap opera trids", the spirit who just wants to keep people from breaking things, and Toyoshi the literally mindless death droid. Glue seems like the ones they'd interact with most, but knowing he's going to die guaranteed in a bit takes some of the fun out of running him.

 Part of the fun of GMing (for me at least) is watching the players squirm when faced with tough decisions and watching how creatively (or stupidly) they handle crisis. Here, the main choice they seem to have is what to do with Uselysses, and he dies whatever they choose anyway.

_How easy (or difficult) would this be to GM?_ 

 It would be pretty easy, though unfortunately that's because not really much happens. Watch, break in, dodge some drones, fight or avoid Glue, loot a room, fight or avoid a boss, run, get paid regardless.

_If it is linear, does it hide it well or will players complain about railroading? If it is more free-form, is there still enough structure that the GM can still run it without a ton of extra effort?_

 It's not a pure railroad as they could choose to sneak or go in blasting, fight, join, or avoid Glue, fight or coerce the Spirit/The Eye, fight or run from Toyoshi. Since the major outcomes are the same regardless of what they do, it might as well be, however.

*The Rules*
_Was it turned in on time? Is the word count within limits?_ 

 On time. My main word counter gives 1504 words, so I tried a few others on the internet. I got 1512, 1503, 1484, 1503. Most of them are over by about "A fifth edition Shadowrun adventure" which is above the ingredients list (and is NOT free) and so it was probably forgotten during the final edits? Technically (and I'm a technical sort of judge) it's over the word limit.
_
Are any ingredients used in an especially creative way? Was it clear what each ingredient was or were any obscure or vague? How essential are the ingredients: if I changed the words in any ingredient, would they no longer work? How interwoven were the ingredients with each other and how essential was each to the adventure? _

 One by one:

*Heir to Nothing*: This is Jiro who is indeed the heir to Ikeda. He's the son and not on the board or a shareholder or anything so he is an heir and, since the company has no value left (especially after the orbital strike – though they seem to have an orbital laser or kinetic lance or whatever, how much is that worth?)

*Silken Wallpaper*: The hangings in the penthouse that the spirit inhabited. While it is somewhat relevant, this could have been Paper Screens or Bamboo Stands or any number of other things that a spirit might be bound to and that the cyberzombie might smash. There doesn't seem to be anything that requires it be Silken or Wallpaper and the most important part of it is the spirit not the silk.

*Useless Glue*: The centaur is glue because of GM fiat. I find making something a clue because you name it some part of the clue to be one of the weakest uses. Sure, horses have a lot of collagen and thus are useful for glue, but this is not only a centaur, but he's never used in that way (if Toyoshi had smeared him into fine paste, that still wouldn't quite count) as he's not used to adhere things, even metaphorically. Also, his cutting off the cyberzombie's head makes him at least slightly useful in giving the PCs a way of gauging the level of fight they are in for. If he had died before doing anything, it would have made the ingredient stronger as he would have been truly useless.

*Headless Hunter*: Toyoshi is hunting his son, but his attacking everyone on sight makes this somewhat weaker as most hunters are targeting specific prey and he's more of a ravager, destroyer, berserker. I guess he does target the holder of the book _if_ he sees they have it, anyway. While he does lose his head, that is not his main feature and if the PCs killed Glue in an altercation before he woke up, it doesn't happen anyway. Also the Gutted Machine.

*Gutted Machine*: This is a great ingredient. Not only his Toyoshi a machine with actual intestines (a _very_ creative interpretation), but if the PCs somehow figure out the poetry-slam attack, he guts himself. This is how you do ingredients in IronDM. Also the Headless hunter.

*Star-crossed Book*: The book of poetry that can be used to make Romeo Toyoshi join his mistress in death. While this use isn't terrible, it would have been stronger if it was "lover" or "beloved wife" or something other than mistress to give a stronger emotional connection between the two. Even then, I can't think of what sort of intuitive/hair-brained leap would cause someone to start spouting love poetry at the walking man-tank that's walking through walls to rip your arms from their sockets and beat your friends to death with them OR how I would even hint at that as GM to get them to do so.

*Lazy Eye*: This has the same problems as Glue and is only slightly stronger. His name is Eye and, while he does watch security, his watching has almost no effect in the adventure. If the PCs don't destroy anything, he could be asleep, eyeless, dead, or just not there. His essential nature is that of a hacker, not an eye. If he were a private detective (private eye) following them or something but couldn't be bothered to do something about it, that would be much stronger.

 Two of these are only there by vague association and "Proper-nouning." One is about as strong an ingredient as I've seen. The rest are about as good as you can expect.

 Let's try the ol' sentence summary of the adventure using all the ingredients: The PCs hired by the Heir to Nothing to steal information, facing down the Headless Hunter that crashes through Silken Wallpaper after killing Useless Glue and maybe hindered by the Lazy Eye before possibly becoming a Gutted Machine by an unlikely use of the Star-crossed Book.

 Now replacing the weaker ingredients with other possibilities: The PCs are hired by the Heir to Nothing to steal information, facing down the Metal Berseker that crashes through the Paper Screens after killing a Green Berserker and maybe hindered by an Unpaid Hacker before possibly becoming a Gutted Machine by an unlikely use of the Star-crossed Book.

 Maybes, possiblies, and unlikelys are not optimal.

*Summary*

 I really liked this adventure at first glance and, it being scifi, was really hoping it would be awesome if only to inspire other people to write more scifi adventures. Unfortunately, it suffered from weak NPCs A to E:  

 A) dies no matter what (though not completely uselessly, ironically)
 B) hires the PCs, then resolves everything no matter what they do with an orbital slug
 C) is an invulnerable death machine, unless PCs somehow figure out his (bizarre) silver bullet
 D) doesn't even care the adventure is happening and might not even get involved
 E) is sentient wallpaper

 While the PCs do have some freedom of approach and method, the fact that the final boss is essentially undefeatable, the mission ends _identically_ no matter what they do, and the only influence they have on their reward has more to do with whether they consider body parts loot than their level of success make the PCs choices essentially irrelevant in the end.

 Pro-tip, when writing adventures, don't have the NPCs fix everything themselves in the end as it eliminates the need for the characters, creating both PC motivation issues and NPC logic issues (like how is Jiro going to explain blowing up his own skyscraper to Renroku? Guess he couldn't figure it out either, so that's why he took off.)[/sblock]

 [sblock=Get Ye to the Underdark]_Does it have any "cool factors" - things that will elicit "neat", "cool", "awesome", or, best of all: "wow!"?_ 

 The iron golem with a beholder literally at the helm was cool. Dancing between a couple warring factions and playing on or both sides is fun (even if they are drow and dorogoor).

_Does it seem like an adventure that would be fun to play and an interesting premise to pitch to players?_ 

 The old Earl of Ruchland walks up. "Wondering if you might be the sort to help me out. Got me a little problem with an army of underelves and spidermen falling out of a hole in the sky and filling up my fortress. That ain't bad enough, they's besieged by a tentacled eye ridin' a metal monster with an army of durro... dergu... dark dwarves. Might be a reward if you can reckon how to get rid of 'em and I get my castle back?"

_Is the entry fun to read or at least easy?_ 

 There are a lot of "has""was""had" in the backstory, making it a slog to read. This is known in the writing biz as Passive Voice and is generally regarded as a Bad Thing. Let's take rewrite the first paragraph in active voice (and fixing the run-on sentences):

 "D'roal greatly disappointed his drow family, repeatedly exceeding their expectations by surviving into adulthood. Born into a strongly matriarchal society, the fourth male child of a minor noble house looks forward to no aristocratic title, no military rank, and no religious function. Instead, the matriarchs dispatched him again and again in hopes of securing him a glorious death in battle, again and again disappointed at his embarrassingly victorious-yet-unsung returns."

 A bit more:

 "D'roal's magnetic attraction to S'aznn, the older, married matriach of a strong noble house, spawned conspiratorial whispers of their co-dependency and, thus, weakness."

 It's almost the same content, but not only does it shave about 15% of the word count off, its a much more interesting, compelling read.

 Ironically, when you shift to present tense, your writing suddenly drops the passive voice and blazes right along. Seriously, the difference before and after "Adventure Hook" reads like two different writers wrote both parts. Passive voice still creeps in here and there, while the occasional run on weakens the writing.

_Is the adventure clearly understandable?_ 

 Its a slow read, due to the above and the below.

 As for running it, assuming the editing and writing for the last three paragraphs (where backstory ends and the adventure begins) cleaned it up, it would be fairly easy to run. As is, I would break it down into bullet points to keep track of it.

_Is the editing appealing or at least legible? Are there typos?_

 The second sentence in the first paragraph is a run-on sentence, as is the second. Several of the loooong paragraphs could probably have been broken up as giant blocks of text like that can lead to reader fatigue. Breaking them up and avoiding long sentence after long sentence after long sentence would do a lot to help with this.

 White space. Short, punchy sentences mixed with longer ones. Each paragraph ideally focuses on one idea while each sentence does even more so. Long sentences with multiple ideas in long paragraphs with multiple ideas makes accessing the cool stuff you have here much more difficult.

*Playability*
_Do the players' choices or, at the very least, their presence in the adventure matter?_ 

 So, if they don't show up at all, what happens? The siege goes on indefinitely. Nothing really changes, but in this case, that is bad news for people on the surface. On the minus side, if they do help, they'll probably end up giving one side or the other a device capable of teleporting more darkness to the surface, which is a fun twist. (The PCs in my current campaign inadvertently helped created a death cult then accidentally gave them the map to a portal network in somewhat similar fashion).

 The players' choices are where this really shines. I dinged Imonhotepthewise's Preacher for having 90% backstory to 10% adventure. This one does 70% to 30%, but that's a change from 75 words to 450 and that's enough – plus the backstory including the rough layout of the fortress – to make this much more doable for the GM.

 Here's what PCs have to figure out: Do I side with the beholder or the drow? If we work with one or the other, how do we help them win? Maybe instead, we try to wipe out both straight up, get them to fight and finish off whatever's left, or maybe see if we can mediate? Will they backstab me at some point in the process if I work with them?

 Hard decisions = good games.

Only issue is it could use a couple more defined encounters or situations as right now there's good stuff, but the GM is going to have to come up with a fair bit on the fly.

_Is all the cool stuff buried in the backstory or do the players get to see it too?_ 

 Most of the cool stuff here is the decisions the players have to make, so, yes.

_Would this be fun and exciting to run?_ 

 The only downside is some options might be a bit _too _fast. What if they convince both sides to sit down, ace some skill rolls and/or lay down some savvy persuasion, and get it resolved the first hour of the session? Sure the GM can throw in some wrenches, but as-written, there seem to be few blocks to this approach going off too easily.

 Any of the fight-it-out options look interesting, layered, and deep enough to make for a fun session. Helping brew golem glue is fun and watching the PCs get punted into drider webbing and squirm is good GM fun. Watching their faces as you plunk down a cyborg beholder would be priceless too.

_How easy (or difficult) would this be to GM?_ 

 Most of the difficulty stems from all the choices being crammed together into two fairly long paragraphs. This is mostly an editing issue, not a content issue.

_If it is linear, does it hide it well or will players complain about railroading? If it is more free-form, is there still enough structure that the GM can still run it without a ton of extra effort?_

 This has just about the sweet spot for choice in an adventure, though I think a couple hundred words of extra back story could be trimmed to fatten it up a bit, drop some more complications (especially to the negotiation angle), twists, and battle surprises into the mix. Saying it could have more of a good thing is a fairly minor critique, however, and so far this is the strongest adventure playability-wise I've read in the competition so far.

*The Rules*
_Was it turned in on time? Is the word count within limits?_ 

Yes and yes. Maybe you have a stingy word counter, but mine says you have 70 words left to spend or so.

_Are any ingredients used in an especially creative way? Was it clear what each ingredient was or were any obscure or vague? How essential are the ingredients: if I changed the words in any ingredient, would they no longer work? How interwoven were the ingredients with each other and how essential was each to the adventure? _

One by one:

*Heir to Nothing*: D'roal, expected of and expecting nothing. Works. His main feature seems to be his co-dependent relationship, however. If it said he was trying to prove himself worthwhile if he was seeking a better position, it would be much stronger.

*Silken Wallpaper*: The spider-silk webbing on the walls of the fortress. It's not essential (and will be missed if the PCs negotiate), but is fun and cruel enough to be worthwhile.  

*Useless Glue*: Drider bile, golem glue. It's glue in that it's supposed to gum up the golem, useless in that it doesn't. Interesting because maybe the PCs can fix it to work. Pretty Strong. Only weakness might be why they think in the first place glue might work? I guess they're desperate. Not sure why it has to be glue to stop the golem, they could equally be using Massive Webs or Weak Chains or something.

*Headless Hunter*: The iron golem. Necessarily headless because it's the vehicle for a floating head (unless you go Krang TMNT-style!) It hunts after the drow when they steal the machine. Only quibble with the headless part – he never seems to ride it and Beholders can levitate. If Eyz'la was somehow cursed to not levitate and was forced to ride it, this would be much stronger as it's primary purpose is the hunter part with the headlessness being weaker.

*Gutted Machine*: The teleportation portal, whose stolen innards stop it from functioning and are an essential part of the issue. However, that Eyz'la and an army of dorogur can follow in a day from the frickin' Underdark, sounds like Eyz'la already knows pretty powerful teleport spell(s) so not sure exactly why he needs this.

*Star-crossed Book*: The spellbook D'roal stole back for his lover that started the whole thing. Star-crossed means "ill-fated", which I guess his gambit turned out to be. Aside from the McGuffin, it doesn't see much play in the actual adventure however.

*Lazy Eye*: A beholder is essentially a large floating eyeball sprouting eyeballs, so this works. He's lazy in that he doesn't want to follow through with the hard work of a battle, though not so lazy he won't teleport an army of doogoor to a random place on the surface to get his book back.

 All-in-all, uses are pretty decent.

 Summing up the adventure with them included: The Heir to Nothing steals the Star-crossed Book and flees the Lazy Eye's Headless Hunter by fleeing with and through the Gutted Machine, hoping to stop his pursuer's forces with Silken Wallpaper and Useless Glue.

 Didn't have to stretch too much to get it all to fit.  

 Let's try replacing some stuff: The Codependent Thief steals the Star-crossed Book and flees the Lazy eye's Iron Hunter by fleeing with and through the Gutted Machine, hoping to stop his pursuer's forces with Invisible Walls and Weak Chains.

*Summary*

 Though the setting/enemies are really not my favorite and the writing was tiring to read and difficult to skim to find specific parts, the ingredients are well integrated with one another and hold up pretty well on closer examination.

 Where this adventure truly shines, however, is that players have actual, meaningful choices that have a huge effect on how the adventure plays out. In playability, at least, this is the strongest adventure I've seen so far.[/sblock]

 [sblock=Comparison]We have LongGoneWriter's *Corporate Downsizing*(hereafter Corporate) against Duece Traveler's *Get Ye to the Underdark* (hereafter Underdark).

*Appeal*
_Cool Factors – _We have a beholder that might ride an iron golem and a standoff at a fortress vs infiltrating a tower and fighting an unkillable cyberzombie with the aid of an assaultaur. I'm giving a bit of an edge to Corporate on this one.

_Other Appeal* –*_ The writing in Corporate is clean (see Writing Levels below); it conveys the adventure contents cleanly and well. Underdark took me at least thirty minutes longer to judge just because the reading was slower and finding information in the long, dense paragraphs was harder. I actually just counted and both have 10 paragraphs, so that underscores how much cleaner and clearer Corporate's writing is.

 Corporate takes this section easily.

*Playability*
_Players matter and have choices* –*_ In Corporate, Glue dies, Eye and the Spirit don't even need to get involved, Toyroshi comes across as invulnerable, everything gets nuked from orbit in the end no matter what happens, and the players' reward has nothing to do with how well or poorly they did. In Underdark, the adventure _is_ what the players choose to do. Who do they side with, if anyone? How do they help them win? Do they trust the blatant bad guys they are teaming up with?

 Easily taken by Underdark.

_Other Playability – _Corporate is such an easier read, it's fortunate for Underdark that the actual played part of the adventure is crammed into three dense paragraphs so even if it can be hard to find what you're looking for, it's all right there. Underdark would be a bit harder to run, but it makes up for it by being more fun to run as there's more stuff going on, more tough decisions and a few neat twists (glue, webs, golemholder) to give even the battles a bit of a surprise (assuming they fight rather than talk).

 Underdark takes this section by a bit.

*Rules*
_Time and work count – _Underdark had both, Corporate was over on word count (at least with 4/5 word counters used).

_Ingredients* –*_ Though Corporate had probably the single strongest ingredient I've seen so far (the Gutted Machine), a couple of its ingredients were Proper Nouns with a hint of more (centaur = 1/2 horse = glue, security hacker = (marginally) watching cameras = eye), one does its best to stay out of the adventure, and the rest are decent.

 Underdark had two McGuffins that almost entirely feature in the back story and the PCs will probably never even see them, and the rest are pretty solid. Underdark has a slight edge here, but on interconnectivity Underdark pulls away a tiny bit more.

 Corporate has two ingredients (including the strongest) as the same thing, one as his son, while the rest sadly aren't central to the adventure; a security guy that doesn't do his job, a guardian that can be avoided, a book that no one would think to use, and a rival whose only use is to warn PCs the final boss is invulnerable.

 Underdark's McGuffins are both at the heart of the crisis at least, two are the opponents on either side of the battle, and three are the weapons they will use against each other in the looming battle.

 Underdark takes this section by a few words and a slice.[/sblock]

 [sblock=Conclusion]I was so excited that we had a scifi entry to break up the overwhelming majority of fantasy adventures. When I first read it and it was actually clean and readable, another notch. After five(six?) hours of analysis, sadly not to be.

 Corporate had probably the best writing any of the adventures I've judged (though Imonhotepthewise's Preacher wasn't too far behind), but it suffered from non-essential or overpowered NPCs, a silver-bullet I can't see ever being fired, an ending that makes whatever the PCs just accomplished (or failed at) worthless, then gives them the same reward whatever they did.

 Underdark was a slow read, heavy on passive voice (especially in the beginning) that offered the best actual adventure-in-play of anything in the competition thus far.

 Both had a couple ingredients that were only weakly involved in the adventure, a couple that were solid, and one or two that could have been left out without really changing much. Underdark wove them together a bit better, clinching the deal.

 @_*Deuce Traveler*_ moves on to the Final. [MENTION=6857996]LongGoneWrier[/MENTION], thanks for migrating over from reddit for a bit to share your writing and creativity skills with us. Hope you come back next year and grace us with more![/sblock]

  One down side of these long analysis I do is I get really down-and-dirty with the entries and probably excessively critical of them (it takes at least two hours per entry, plus another hour or more for comparison and conclusion) . This can lead me to a strange meta-judging state where I try to figure out once I've picked out all the flaws what ingredients done perfectly actually _look like_ and how ingredients would link together as Platonic Ingredients.  

  Should the ingredient be just clever, does it need to be well anchored in the back story, or does it have to be integral to the adventure too? Is it weak if it can be bypassed or isn't essential? What if it ties together other ingredients? If these seem exceptionally harsh or nit-picky it's because I'm so far down the rabbit hole by the end that sometimes I can't remember what the rabbit I'm looking for was supposed to look like...

  That's it's almost 4am doesn't help things.

 [sblock=Writing Levels]1) *Garbled* – itsomis peled an broknupu ca nbarl e red wht th heell thayre saying
 2) *Garbage* – they right whatevs; extra or 000 punctuation's and seeminglly no idea. Whare, it goes. Wall o' text or rand
 om carriage! Returns....
 3) *Difficult* – The reading you have the capacity to do, but it can be slow, either due to really really long sentences and/or paragraphs, also run-ons; also might be pedantic or excessively, extensively, positively erudite, repetitive, repeating; it is still mostly readable, but by the end of a sentence, you're probably a bit tired of trying to keep track of everything you read: like this one.
 4) *Decent* – Nothing exceptional. It might be a bit bland, but its readable. By the end, maybe you're a bit tired or bored, but you can get through it. Remembering the ideas in it, maybe not so much.
 5) *Clean* – The writing is solid. It's well paced, interesting, a mix of long and short sentences. Each sentence contains one clear idea. White space is used, and used well. Good writing draws no attention to itself; its transparency lets you directly access the content.
 6) *Active* – Writing reaches out of the page, grips your attention in a vice and hurtles it across the page. Your reading rate kicks up a notch and hauls your pulse with it. Active writing perfectly executed trembles with emotion, racing with action before exploding in a flurry of excitement.
 And then, when the time is right, it knows just when to slow down and breathe. Time to rest, room to relax, space to stretch out. Then ready yourself for whatever unknown lies undiscovered beyond the horizon of the next page.  
 7?) *Poetic* – These words are poured through a crucible, flowing molten into exactly the right curve and texture that best pleases the senses. The writer forges them with absolute care. Honing, refining. Cutting away every unessential word.

 Until pure essence remains.  

 Or... a rich embroidery, a luxurious sable fringe that lets you luxuriate in the language, enriching it in subtle ways, calling attention to itself in just such a way to flatter the idea at the heart of the matter...  

 Or falls flat on its f*&king ass, dawg, and ruins the whole goddamn thing.[/sblock]


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## Deuce Traveler (Oct 11, 2016)

Thanks for the review.  Looks like a 1:1 tie until Lwaxy can cast the deciding vote.  Nail biting time.


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## LongGoneWriter (Oct 11, 2016)

Iron Sky said:


> _Is the entry fun to read or at least easy?_
> 
> It was an easy, well-written, quick read. The writing is transparent: it gets out of the way to present no barrier to accessing content. This is perfectly that.
> 
> ...




Hooray, my Creative Writing degree paid off! This is how it's supposed to pay off, right, guys?

Hats off to DT for the win. *insert NEXT TIME GADGET here*


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## LongGoneWriter (Oct 11, 2016)

Oh, wait, does it get reviewed by all judges? asdyibuatsdovaisudf


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## LongGoneWriter (Oct 11, 2016)

Deuce Traveler said:


> Nail biting time.




Holy jebas you're right.


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## Deuce Traveler (Oct 11, 2016)

[MENTION=221]Wicht[/MENTION] , when able would you mind recounting up the points given for ingredients?  Your math at the bottom is not adding up to the points in your text.


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## LongGoneWriter (Oct 11, 2016)

Not to shoot myself in the foot or piss off a judge or anything, but I'm gonna side with DT here.


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## Wicht (Oct 11, 2016)

I rechecked the word count after reading Iron Skys verdict and indeed the word count for  Deuce Traveler is right. I am not sure why it read different last night. Well I have a vague notion. I will also recheck my math. If my math as wrong (it was late and I well could have added wrong) that would indeed change my verdict. Sorry LongGoneWrier.  I am on my phone right now. When I get home in a few, I will check adjust my rendering.


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## LongGoneWriter (Oct 11, 2016)

If a new guy is gonna unseat the champ, I'd rather it be fair and square.


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## Deuce Traveler (Oct 11, 2016)

I'll be good either way.  I think you've shown you have the skills to win it all your first time in.


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## LongGoneWriter (Oct 11, 2016)

...g-golly. *toescuff*


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## Wicht (Oct 11, 2016)

I have amended my judgment for the match between LongGoneWrier and Deuce Traveler. 

When I did word count, I used the same Word page, just cutting and pasting one entry over top of the other, and that must have somehow, when LongGone's was deleted not reset the word counter properly. Next time I will know to simply make sure to use two separate pages to make sure the electronic word counter does not get confused. That's the only reason I can think of for my computer giving me such a bad read on the numbers. 

I want to reiterate that the improvement I saw from the first entry by LongGone and his second was extreme, in my estimation, and I think if he sticks around and tries again next year, he has as good a chance as anyone. 

I have a meeting tonight (working on reworking the bylaws for our local Horse Committee for our fair) I have to chair, and I don't know how much time I will have to do a judgment on Match 2, but if I can I will get to it, and if not, it will be the morning for me.


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## Lwaxy (Oct 11, 2016)

Placeholder post.


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## LongGoneWriter (Oct 11, 2016)

Wicht said:


> I want to reiterate that the improvement I saw from the first entry by LongGone and his second was extreme, in my estimation, and I think if he sticks around and tries again next year, he has as good a chance as anyone.




You can bet your sweet cans I'll be back next year. Razzafrazzin' word count razzafrazzin' not reading the rules clarification razzafrazz.

Actual hats off time to DT. Let me know if anything like this happens any other time of the year, I had a lot of fun.


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## Wicht (Oct 11, 2016)

With Lwaxy's judgment in, in the matter of [MENTION=6857996]LongGoneWrier[/MENTION] vs. [MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION], we have Deuce officially advancing with a 2-1 judge split.


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## Imhotepthewise (Oct 11, 2016)

[MENTION=221]Wicht[/MENTION], take care of RL. Iron DM can wait.


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## Iron Sky (Oct 11, 2016)

Wicht said:


> I have amended my judgment for the match between LongGoneWrier and *Iron Sky*.




Me? You mean there's a chance I made it to the final!?! \o/


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## Iron Sky (Oct 11, 2016)

*Match 2, Round 2 Judgment*

In the process of judging, I've learned alot. A ton of that is about what makes an adventure good and how to write them better (looking forward to applying them next year!) and I've figured out a few things about judging. What is important and what isn't, what to focus more on and less on, and hopefully how to do them in less than four hours (Edit: nope, still six). We'll see with this judgement.

  The system will be similar to the last one, but I'll be breaking each adventure into six scoring areas, discuss them individually, then total each separately and compare them. Ingredients have gotten more importance since this contest is kindof about them. Whichever has the most points wins. If there's a tie, I'll take bribes.

  Here's my new list:

*Readability*: How easy/hard is it to read? How engaging/distracting is the writing? Does it the writing help or hinder? 10 pts
*Cool*: How much "cool" stuff is there? How creative is it? How much of it have I seen? 10 pts.
*Playability*: Will the players likely be bored or have fun? Will it be easy to run? 10 pts.
*PC Relevance/Agency*: Do the PCs actions have an impact on the world of the adventure? If they don't show up, what changes? 10 pts.
*Choices*: Do the players get interesting/difficult choices? Do the choices they get effect the adventure? Is it a railroad? 10 pts.
*Rules*: Was it on time and under word count? 10 pts.
*Ingredient Strength*: How essential was each ingredient? How creative? How integrated was it with the others? 5 pt./ingredient.
*Ingredient Weave*: How well are the ingredients tied together? 5 pts.

Total: 100 pts.

[sblock=Like Clockwork]*Readability*: Right off the bad the first paragraph is switching between past and present tense. It isn't the worst I've seen, but add in that it toggles unpredictably between telling us broad big-picture things like what we're doing here to dropping specific physical details about the environment. It's jarring. The in media res start can work (jumping right into the action), but the difficult reading was a hurdle I didn't clear on the way in.

Once you get past the start, the writing gets a bit better, but there is very little variety in sentence length or structure, giving it a monotonous feel. The writing is mostly passive "they will" "he is" "he has" "there are".  

The lack of bold or size changes to differentiate them from normal text makes the headings more of a distraction than an aid. That there are two headings labeled "Aftermath" and both have periods doesn't help set them apart.

I know life intervened to hack 7+ hours off Imonhotep's creative time, but it unfortunately shows. 4/10 pts.

*Cool*: The above is sad, because the urban fantasy/steampunk secret agent Moscow setting is _awesome_. Seriously. Add to it I've never read, heard of, or played anything remotely close to it knocks it up to the top of the cool scale. The closes I can think of is Scythe. 10/10 pts.

*Playability*: This is where the writing and adventure layout (or lack there of) trips me up. There's no hook, no bullet point summaries, the headings are camouflaged, action stirred in the middle of descriptive paragraphs... this looks tough.

Let's see if I can break down what the PCs do: the adventure seems to start when they find Miklos, chat, then they either fight the Russians Brits who come to grab him or let them take him. There might be a horseless carriage chase.  

If they save him right off, the GM comes up with some sort of complications for them getting to the Queen of England (I.E. The rest of the adventure). This is somewhat of a weak point as the adventure generally assumes this doesn't happen and you'd be improvising pretty heavily to stretch this part to a full session.

If the Brits captured him, the PCs hopefully captured one or got a body, otherwise it seems like the adventure is over: they failed. Take a shot of Absolut.

If they tailed the Brits or otherwise got the location, maybe pretend to by zombie workers to get close, infiltrate the building, tussle with Russian agents on the stairs, potentially with a three-way battle royale across the half-built building. Finally, they face the same sort of exit and trip to England, hunted by spies from two rival countries.

That's pretty rad. Probably the coolest cluster of scenes I've seen in the tournament this year.

Unfortunately, most of this hinges on the PCs failing to save Miklos right off the bat. If they had shown up right when as he was nabbed instead of before, then there was a chase or whatever, it would work better and avoid the risk of most of this really cool scenario being missed. 5/10 Pts.

*Choices*: Okay, so let's look at the choices PCs make.

  They decide whether to jump and to try to save Miklos or let them take him (since there's no initial explanation of what the PCs stakes are or _why _the hell they are in Moscow tracking this triple agent down, we can't assume they leap right in). Then they might have the choice of how to interrogate a Brit agent if they captured one (which depends somewhat on the system as some it's difficult to subdue vs kill). Next is how to infiltrate the compound. Lastly, how to get Miklos out.

  The first is unknown, the next is unpredictable. The next is better and the last one has the most choices but unfortunately this is at the cost of being fairly undefined and, thus, almost entriely up to the GM. A couple ideas would have made this more solid ("he has a plane, but... then there's the sub he stole, but... then there's the fake identity papers, but...") 5/10 Pts.

*Rules*: On time. Wordcount good. 10/10 Pts.

*Ingredient Strength*:  

*Balancing Act*: Navigating narrow scaffoldings and ladders in the Safe House. This is a fun use, the PCs get to interact with it directly. Pretty good. Unfortunately, it could be something like a Dangerous Scale up the side of the building instead. 3/5 Pts.

*Demonic Coin* – The Puzzle Box made by a demon. That one coined the term is a cool use of the ingredient (don't google Xatross Khan by the way – top searches are this thread, early 20th century film scripts, and porn links with appeals heavy on "veiny" and "immense"). Only problem is he coined the term for something obscure that is never referenced again and the fact that he was a demon is irrelevant. He could have been a sentient slinky for all the effect the artificer's demon-ness. Cool, but not the strongest. 2/5 Pts.

*Zombie Merchant* – his zombies are what matters, not he himself. He's also not as much a merchant as an overseer or foreman, I.E. his important quality is he controls the zombies, not sells them. This is weakened a bit by the fact that PCs can completely ignore him and do their own thing if they want. 1/5 Pts.
*
Triple Agent* – This was perfect. He's got a secret mission from the Queen, hunted by both the English and Russian secret servivces, he's the heart of the adventure. As good as it gets. 5/5 Pts.
*
Puzzle Box* – this is neat, but it would be stronger if figuring out the puzzle was somehow important. It's main function was to be a portable safe and there could have been a combination or secret key just as easily. If Miklos didn't know how to solve it and the PCs had to figure it out, it would have been much stronger. 2/5 Pts.

*Blood-Red Star* – how they identify Miklos and... it's poisoned I guess? Neat that it's a secret weapon, but this could have been almost anything. A hair pin, a set of cufflinks, anything wearable with a point. Also, you either get this being relevant or Horseless Carriages being relevant. I'm taking the Carriages since they are cooler (see below). 1/5 Pts.

*Horseless Carriage* – these fit the theme well, but aside from part of a cool chase scene that may or may not happen, they were relevant the rest of the adventure. They also could have been "horsed" carriages, wagons, clockwork hoverboards, steam horses, whatever. They do fit the setting well, except... automobiles were common enough that they wouldn't have been refered to this way post-Bolshevik Revolution when the Red Star would have been a relevant symbol. 2/5 pts.

*Ingredient Weave*: Lets try to sum up the adventure using all the ingredients in a sentence.

 As the PCs meet with a Triple Agent wearing a Blood-Red Star and carrying a Demonic Coin(ed) Puzzle Box, agents riding Horseless Carriages attack, _potentially_ nabbing him, the PCs _hopefully_ following to the safe house where they _might_ use a Zombie Merchant to sneak to where they must perform a Balancing Act to rescue him.

 The weakness starts at the first italics. Many of the ingredients can be bypassed entirely if the PCs _succeed_ early on. In writing that sentence, I also discovered that only the Triple Agent is really essential. Let's rewrite it and see:

 As the PCs meet with a Triple Agent wearing a Long Hairpin and carrying a Slinky-Crafted Portible Safe, agents riding Steam Horses attack, _potentially _nabbing him, the PCs _hopefully_ following to the safe house where they _might_ use a Construction Foreman to sneak to where they must perform a Dangerous Scale to rescue him.

 Hrm. 1/5 pts.

*Summary*: This adventure is right on the threshold of awesome. If you ever feel like writing an adventure to try to sell (and/or a _setting_ to sell), polish this up and use it because the promise of being arcane secret agents running around early 20th century Europe in land ships and air ships and whatever... yeah. Count me in.

 Maybe I'm a snob, but this is one of the few times I've read an Iron DM entry and wished I wasn't in the middle of a campaign so I could rip this off and run a _campaign_ based off it. I'm not saying this just to be nice because I don't really do that, so know however Rune's entry is (I haven't read it yet) and whether this wins or not, this is one of my favorite adventures I've seen in all the years of Iron DMs I've run.

 Unfortunately, the contest isn't just on what turns me on creatively and I have to give points for other stuff, so the points I'm awarding have very little to do with how much I'd like what this adventure can become with some editing.

*Total*: 51/100 pts.[/sblock]

 [sblock=Puzzle Box]I'll preface this with four comments.  

 One, I love Dungeon World.  

 Two, how you're going to create an adventure for a game whose shtick is "0 Prep" intrigues me.  

 Three, Campaign/Adventure Fronts are one of those things that I love as a concept but find clunky and more of a hindrance than help when I've actually tried to use them in Dungeon World games. I'll try not to let this influence me.

 Four, I hope for your sake my fellow judges get (or are willing to look up) how fronts work or you may have just doomed yourself.

 That out of the way...

*Readability*: The first paragraph is key in any written work (especially for a theoretical paying audience), so I almost always talk about it. This one didn't grab me the way I hoped it would. The first sentence? Yes! But... are some planes living things? The whole plane is a living thing or is that a metaphor for places where life is? The archaic structure of the last couple sentences jarred me a bit.

  On to the second paragraph. Which plane does "very" refer to? Death's Kingdom or whatever plane we assume is the normal one? Is he wounding the plane AND capturing souls or are the wounds _caused_ by capturing souls? The sentence can read either way. Does the ichor rain only when Death's Kingdom is assaulted or are the attacks just the cause of the ichor that falls all the time?

 Then: "Elsewhere, beyond the mortal veil, in a domain of demonkind, three mighty demons reside, bound by immortal curse to work in precarious harmony--an unholy trinity." 6 clauses separated by commas and a hyphen. I felt my brain start churning with each punctuation mark, desperate to be sure I was keeping track of everything.

Okay, so I'm not a huge fan of the opening of the adventure that is supposed to hook me. At the end of my last judgement, I spewed out a hopefully more helpful than pretensious 4am bit on levels of writing. At the end was "7?) Poetic". The "?" is because the poetic nature tends to make people either to click with it and call it pure awesome or your writing totally turns them off and impedes everything you're trying to create. This did the latter for me, in addition to confusing me about what was going on.

After the opening, it's like a switch was flipped and the writing becomes clean and clear for the duration.

The layout of the front was clean and well organized.  

I'm not sure if the Cerberus section could be written better or if there was just a bit of an overload trying keep track of all that Cerberus was doing. 7/10 Pts.

*Cool*: Cerberus trying to serve triple masters is neat. Dark ichor leaking from Death's house zombifying the world is pretty cool. Stars being holes to other planes is awesome (and my favorite part of this adventure). It also manages to be neat spin on zombie apocalypse (no small feat with how saturated our culture is with zombpocali). That said, a fresh zombie apoc campaign is like fresh teen-angst anime; you might hear it's the best one this year, but that doesn't mean you want to get involved with it.  6/10 Pts.

*Playability*: It's Dungeon World, so by default most of everything the GM is creating off the cuff as that's the core assumption of the system. So we'll focus on running this front. Unfortunately, you've stumbled into my issue with Fronts.  

  I like the idea of giving a mechanical framework to outside forces running "in the background" in the world, but in practice I find referencing them in play cumbersome and intrusive, especially since Dungeon World is pretty much the only RPG I run more walking around the table instead of sitting behind my computer. I have a more streamlined, less mechanical version of fronts that I've been using in my campaigns for years, so they came across as a step backward rather than forward. Maybe they are better than what I use and I've just never quite groked how to use them in play...

  My bias against fronts aside, my main playability issue with this is how complicated Cerberus would be to run. Let's look at what I need to remember to run Cerberus:
  ♦ He's compelled to follow orders unless they conflict
  ♦ He creates zombies and sells them (trading in corruption)
  ♦ He wants a spell book to extend his zombie control (so he can undermining society and civilization)
  ♦ He's trying to wrest control of zombies and overrun the world with them
  ♦ He's collecting souls (but doesn't keep Sagacity on him unless he's collecting souls)
  ♦ He can sell the PCs a waterproof carriage

  Okay, so let's try putting the moves he can use all in one place.
  •Slaughter an innocent. 
•Encourage violence among mortals. 
•Strike a bargain that results in carnage
  •Pay a finder's fee for the delivery of a mortal. 
•Throw a mortal into the Bloodfields. 
•Trade in corruption.  
  •Capture a mortal's departing soul. 
•Dominate the meek. 
•Command zombies to protect Sagacity.  

  At some point that seemed to shift from "look at all the cool things I can have him do" to "what the hell is he even doing at any given point?" What does his day planner look like? I guess he waits for traders to come along to do zombie-in-zombie-out exchanges with or to just throw into the Bloodfields, occasionally dominating his zombification "volunteers" before slaughtering the more innocent ones to take their souls before tossing Sagacity to his zombie page and starting some carnage somewhere... right?

  Also, how do we know he's capturing a soul? This is never explained – unless there's some visual clue for the process, better hope the group has a Wizard.

  The adventure is fairly usable assuming a decent Dungeon World GM is running it (harder than it sounds). Only issue is I'm not sure Fronts – even elaborated as this one is – can even truly count as adventures due the explicit assumptions of the DW "engine". 6/10 Pts.

*PC Relevance/Agency*: Here's an advantage of Fronts – we know _exactly _what will happen if the PCs don't intervene: A zombie apocalypse or one of three flavors of demonic rule (one of which being... a zombie apocalypse). That's pretty significant. Having Death tell them they will do this ensures they will most likely get involved in the first place.  

  In some ways this almost seems like cheating for this section, but that's how DW Fronts work by design. 10/10 Pts.

*Choices*: So what are the PC's choices? Here's where choosing DW might be an issue for creating an adventure. So what can the PCs do in this adventure? Answer: anything they want, including ignore it entirely (though the character who died might be making a mistake) – that's pretty much DW's credo. Make situations, see how PCs react, shape the world based on those decisions and move along until the next decision point.

  So, what sort of framework do we have to somehow narrow the nearly infinite space of omni-choice to something that makes this question relevant? The best way I could find it was the final paragraph to give us how we open Sagacity: get balance of power between the demons (not sure exactly how that occurs – are the three not balanced at the start? Or does that mean get rid of them or maybe balance their power with the other demons out there?), kill a ton of zombies, balance zombie debt (does this mean wiping out all the favors people owe Cerberus?), or atonement for bringing people in (so the PCs need to go sell some people to Cerberus then atone for it? Strange. Maybe that means bring in others who have done it and force them to atone?)

  The only one of these that I can figure out is killing a bunch of zombies. Or maybe killing Cerberus might do it? I guess I don't know what "things are in balance" really means, so... huh.

  I'm kinda at a loss at how to score this one so I'll give you, say, seven points for using DW where player choices are almost all that matters and holding off the others because I can't figure out how (aside from mass zombie killing) Sagacity exactly works. 7/10 Pts.

*Rules*: On time. Word count good. 10/10 Pts.

*Ingredient Strength*:  

*Balancing Act –* Balancing the power between the demon lords that are running Cerberus. I think this is Cerberus' attempts to balance the needs of his three masters which is the heart of the Front. A pretty clever combo with Triple Agent. Not sure if PCs would be able to figure out this is going on though. 4/5 Pts.
*
Demonic Coin –* coins from demons. Originally I missed that you can use them to hire the carriages, which makes them stronger than I originally thought. They are especially demonic because of what you have to do to get them (though they could also be Necromantic or Slave coins). Only issue I see is that there's no reason to have coins except at Cerberus himself since the only way you can spend them is wherever he is anyway (for carriages and zombies). 4/5 Pts.

*Zombie Merchant –* Cerberus trading in zombies. Exactly what you'd expect, right at the heart of the adventure. 5/5 Pts.

*Triple Agent –* Cerberus' convoluted requirement to follow all three demon princes. Interestingly this isn't really the spy term since he _can't_ betray one over the other, so he's an agent as in someone working for them. Like an insurance agent... except the opposite. 5/5 Pts.

*Puzzle Box –* Sagacity, holding the captured souls. I was so hopeful when there was a riddle... too bad there isn't a puzzle that actually has to be solved by the _players_, just a quest to complete to unlock a roll. Sure it's an INT roll for a thing called "Sagacity", but it's only a puzzle because you said so. It could be a Corrupted Relic stolen from angels and made to hold souls that can only be completed by a quest, completing a holy ritual, and making a roll.  

  Also, why doesn't Cerberus just keep Sagacity with him and scoop souls all the time? Can he only get them when they are nearby? Does he have to see them? Wouldn't he see them all the time since the portal to Deathland is right overhead? Like looking for airplanes at an airport. It might be a mystery to the world, but it would be helpful if the GM had a hint of how it worked. 3/5 Pts.

*Blood-Red Star –* At first I thought this was just window dressing, but the PCs could follow it to the Bloodmire and it is the source of the zombie ichor. Its color is mostly by decree despite the ties between blood and death. Changing ichor into "Death's own blood" would have made the bloodiness essential instead of just thematic. 3/5 Pts.

*Horseless Carriage – *Something for the PCs to ride to get through the swamp without being necrophied – which they need to get Sagacity. Can't be pulled by horses (except undead horses). Requiring they use Dcoins to purchase it made it much more rat-bastardly.  

  Why does Cerberus sell these at all if the only things in the Bloodmire are zombies he wants for himself and that guard Sagacity? If the PCs find another way to shield themselves because they don't want to pay his price, they'll ignore this entirely. 2/5 Pts.

*Ingredient Weave*: 

  Sentence:  

  The PCs seek a Triple Agent Zombie Merchant in the midst of a Balancing Act between three masters that trades zombies made beneath the Blood-Red Star and traded for Demonic Coins that _might_ be used to buy a Horseless Carriage help steal the Puzzle Box.

  Let's try replacements:

  The PCs seek a Triple Agent Zombie Merchant in the midst of a Balancing Act between three masters that trades zombies made beneath the Mourning Star and traded for Zombie Coins that _might_ be used to buy an Undead Carriage to help steal the Corrupted Relic.

  The _might_ is the main weakness in an otherwise pretty strong weave. 3/5 Pts.

*Summary*
 Doom-by-zombie has been done so many times, it's hard to get a fresh take on it. This is as close to that as I've seen in a while and seems like it might be interesting despite heavy undead-fatigue. I ruled pretty hard on the Ingredients (and other things, I guess), but taken individually and together these are among the strongest ingredients I've ever seen in an IronDM entry.

 I'm still a bit conflicted about how DW and Fronts fit into this contest since they are a different beast than adventures in 95% of RPG rulesets I've seen. This one is fleshed out enough that I'm pretty sure it qualifies it offers a lot of grist for the GM mill in the Portents and Moves, but still...  

 I definitely see an advantage of going full-Frontal, allowing you to focus on weaving things together and leaving the GM to figure out the nitty-gritty specifics on the fly.

*Total*: 75/100 Pts.[/sblock]

  [sblock=Conclusion]I have to admit, I was inspired by @Imonhotepthewise's *Like Clockwork*(Clock) more than @_*Rune*_'s *Puzzle Box*(Puzzle). This contest isn't about what I like, however, but about what is the better-crafted, better-written adventure and Puzzle was that by a significant margin.

  I would have liked to see what Clock might have been if life hadn't intervened and definitely let me know if you ever turn it into anything more Imonhotep.

  That said, Puzzle was the work of a master IronDM-worker. Rune's been around the block and has the adventure-crafting chops to prove it. We'll see how my fellows handle his Front-loading, but for my judgement at least, Rune has it.[/sblock]


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## Wicht (Oct 11, 2016)

Iron Sky said:


> Me? You mean there's a chance I made it to the final!?! \o/




Heh. 
You better be active in the final.

I am ready for bed. I gotta stop watching Luke Cage until 1 in the morning. :/


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## Wicht (Oct 14, 2016)

I have posted my judgment for match 2. Now to go read Iron Sky's.


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## Wicht (Oct 14, 2016)

[MENTION=60965]Iron Sky[/MENTION] - reading your assessment of Imhotepthewise's adventure - I think that you might be very interested in *Victoriana*


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## Imhotepthewise (Oct 14, 2016)

My self-esteem in shreads, I slink off to my cave to await next year's game.

Congratulations to [MENTION=67]Rune[/MENTION], and an excellent primer on how Dungeon World should work.

Thank you to the judges for their time and meaty critiques.

Thanks to all the other participants, as well.


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## LongGoneWriter (Oct 14, 2016)

Imhotepthewise said:


> My self-esteem in shreads, I slink off to my cave to await next year's game.




You and me both, brother. We'll get 'em next year and have a showdown at the finals.


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## Rune (Oct 14, 2016)

Imhotepthewise said:


> My self-esteem in shreads, I slink off to my cave to await next year's game.
> 
> Congratulations to [MENTION=67]Rune[/MENTION], and an excellent primer on how Dungeon World should work.
> 
> ...




You've done yourself proud, I think. I honestly didn't expect to win this round, even before I read your entry. After reading it, I was less confident. I'll go into more depth later. For now, though...good show!


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## Iron Sky (Oct 15, 2016)

Wicht said:


> @_*Iron Sky*_ - reading your assessment of Imhotepthewise's adventure - I think that you might be very interested in *Victoriana*




The system and setting both look sweet. Thanks, Wicht!


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## Rune (Oct 15, 2016)

Just curious if   [MENTION=53286]Lwaxy[/MENTION] still intends to post a judgement for R2M2. I've got commentary and analysis on my entry written before judgements, as well as some after the first two. I was going to incorporate commentary based on all three, but if that third one is not happening, I can just go ahead and post. 

I mean, I get why it might feel like a waste of Lwaxy's time, but I don't personally think any thoughtful and constructive critique of an entry is ever wasteful. A lot of the learning that IRON DM fosters is through direct experience, sure, but a lot comes from that outside perspective. 

Of course, I understand Lwaxy has been sick and busy, as well. I'm not trying to be pushy, or anything. I'm just saying that I (and probably also   [MENTION=976]Imhotepthewise[/MENTION], if not others) am still interested in what our third judge has to say.


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## Deuce Traveler (Oct 16, 2016)

I'm just going to post some brief comments anyway and lwaxy will just have to skip this part below until he gets a chance to post his judgement:

--------------------------------------------------------------

Ingredients, ingredients, ingredients.  Imagination, fun, and cohesiveness are all vital to a good submission, but ingredients are where all judges are going to focus.  I always go into drafting a submission by picking one or two ingredients to focus upon and trying to find ways to incorporate the rest in a cohesive way.  If I have an ingredient that doesn't seem to fit, I will try to rethink of how the ingredient can be interpreted.  If that doesn't work, I might rewrite the entire initial outline.  When the outline is done, I start thinking of how integral each ingredient is to the submission, and whether removing an ingredient would cause the submission to have fall completely apart or be greatly diminished.  Basically, is each ingredient vital.  It's only when the outline is completed in this way that I start writing.  

I do have a tendency to write longer passages then I need, and have limited combat encounters in my submissions.  Rune, who I am going up against next, likes to use bullet statements with crisp and simple phrases at times to save room.  As long as this is not misused, I find this a pretty good practice as he uses up less words in some areas, so he can put more adventure in others.

So some quick thoughts about my previous entry.  A couple of the judges noted that they were not fans of the Underdark and the drow, and that my entry was not as imaginative as my opponent, and I completely agree.  I grew up with BECMI and Mystara, and am unfamiliar with how the drow work past what I have heard from Drizz't fans and what I learned playing Baldur's Gate on the PC.  Hence some of my errors.  However, I was focused more on trying to make a cohesive and interdependent list of ingredients in Get Ye to the Underdark, and the Lazy Eye appeared to be an ingredient that would be tough to make integral in an entry... unless it was a main character.  Hence making him into a beholder that hated expending effort in moving around or casting multiple teleport spells when one would do.  That done, I remembered male drow had few rights, so I made the next character the Heir of Nothing and the fourth male in a minor noble family.  Now, if I had known that males in drow society have no rights, I would have actually made him female, which would have made the ingredient better, and made for two female lovers.  The silk wallpaper screamed spiderweb covered walls to me, so I threw in some driders setting up a wall trap and now was firmly set in making the Underdark an important element.  The star-crossed book became something vital to two lovers since star-crossed seemed like a Romeo and Juliet reference to me, hence the second drow character.

The gutted machine was always going to be a teleport device, but at first I had it being something that keyed itself to the users and teleported them to a set location.  When the drow gutted it, it keyed to them and kept teleporting the drow's forces and the beholder's forces somewhere random.  They would briefly skirmish, then separate for a time before being randomly teleported again.  This would have made for a more imaginative and epic entry as the heroes would have to find a means to anticipate the next jump in order to stop the chaos these two were causing along the surface, but I wasn't able to incorporate things like the silk wallpaper easily if I went that route, so unfortunately I had to go with a straighter piece for the benefit of ingredient cohesion.  Again, ingredients also need to trump any good idea faeries that come up.  Except in the final round or rounds, where you better show up with your A game in everything.  Hence why you are given more time to write.

Glue is sticky, so the useless glue was connected to the drider webbing.  It was useless because something strong kept getting loose.  That something strong ended up being the beholder's vehicle, a headless hunter becoming a headless iron golem.  I stole the iron golem idea wholesale from an official 2nd edition kill-all-players adventure module where the beholders traveled in such suits and attacked the party both physically and with their rays in the same rounds.  Nasty stuff.  That adventure module was designed to kill off entire parties in imaginative ways.

My main point is this.  You might have the greatest idea for an adventure ever, but if you can't make the ingredients work with it, you are going to lose.  I had tons of great adventure ideas in my head prior to ingredients being posted, and every time I tried to shoe horn the ingredients to go with my great adventure idea I lost.  Every time.  So keep those ideas by writing them down somewhere so you don't lose them, but make the ingredients the priority.


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## Lwaxy (Oct 16, 2016)

My apologies, really bad cold with headaches combined with the Essen game fair I can't opt out of (working there this year) so I'm super late with everything.


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## Rune (Oct 16, 2016)

I guess I had better go ahead and post this before getting into my next match. If I seem particularly critical of my entry, there's s reason for that. I really was not expecting to win the match when I posted it. Less so after I read  [MENTION=976]Imhotepthewise[/MENTION]'s (though the first section below was written before I did).

[sblock=Self Analysis and Commentary Written Before Judgements]I had forgotten what it feels like to run out of time. No time for a typo-check. No time to rework the formatting. No time to check multiple word-counts (had to rely on the one built into the writing app). No time to clean up transitions. No time to clarify system expectations and jargon. 

Why? Because I spent too much time working those ingredients together into an adventure that seemed fun without glaringly obvious holes, that's why. I hope it was worth it. 

I blame "Triple Agent." From the moment knew I didn't want to do a spy thriller, I knew I was going to have to make this ingredient the lynchpin of the adventure. If I could create a character that represented the interests of three competing entities, I could have an interesting character that could sometimes be ally and sometimes adversary. That seemed interesting to me. But it required the invention of three other NPCs, whom PCs would never meet, and, yet, needed to be not buried in backstory. Lots of time and space consumed. (The PCs also kind of become Triple Agents in that their quest for Death has three goals, but this is simply a thematic echo that I didn't want to call out in the piece.)

Originally, the "Blood-Red Star" was intended to be a link to the zombies in a "Night of the Comet" kind of way, but it didn't really fit in well with the rest of the ingredients, so I tightened things up by also connecting it to the souls and their puzzle box. But _that_ required inventing a cosmology for what was not initially intended to be a setting. Oh, and also, I had to explain why a plane was bleeding. More time consumed. More space used up. 

"Demonic Coin", "Zombie Merchant", "Balancing Act" and "Puzzle Box" all fit together pretty well in my head. "Demonic Coin" actually played a larger role earlier on, but I had to scale it back, both for space and for the sake of the adventure. 

My sticking point was "Horseless Carriage." I knew I wanted the visual of a carriage pulled by zombies (and, hopefully, a combat with said zombies). But I couldn't for the life of me figure out why the carriage needed to be horseless, or a carriage at all. I went out to a birthday dinner (not mine). And then it hit me. Lethal blood raining down from the star would give the PCs reason to stay protected from it while also making it impossible to use horses to pull it. Cool. Sure, the PCs likely will balk at the terms and may figure out some other way to traverse the Bloodmire, but that's okay. 

So, now I had all these pieces of the puzzle. Time to write. But why Dungeon World? Dungeon World is surprisingly jargon-heavy for such a fiction-driven system, so assuming familiarity would be risky. I would have to clarify some of it in the adventure. (Alas, no time.)

Dungeon World formats its adventures (and campaigns) differently than traditional adventures. Its system strongly encourages sandbox-style play with a heavy emphasis on improvisation. As such, the format is flexible, but also very lean. A more traditional presentation would require some fleshing out, as well as transitions between concepts. Frankly, I had no idea if I could do it in 1500 words. I still don't, because, unfortunately, I never did get a chance to fix those transitions. Oh well. There's a pretty good adventure in there. Hope it reads well enough to make sense. 

So, given those challenges, why Dungeon World? Is it because Dungeon World is a good fit for my approach to running games? Is it because DW is my favorite edition of D&D?

It's because I was hooked on my hook. In most settings, the hook would be absurdly specific and rare. In Dungeon World, bargaining with Death isn't even that uncommon (there is a DW Magic item with lore that tells of a woman who died and met Death so many times they fell in love). Obviously, this would also need clarification--if I only had the time. But what can I say? The ingredients pointed me toward an extra-planar crisis with hijacked souls and the bargain with Death just grabbed me and wouldn't let go.

TL;DR: This may be a case where I actually spent _too_ much effort getting the ingredients to mesh well. I took a lot of very big gambles in this piece and I completely ran out of time to offset or minimize their risks. [/sblock]

[sblock=After reading Iron Sky's JudgementFirst,  [MENTION=60965]Iron Sky[/MENTION], hook me up with that streamlined Front format! I also find the default to be sometimes cumbersome. 

On to my entry: In my head, it was completely obvious that the blood raining down actually _was_ the blood of Death's Kingdom spurting through the star-portal from a series of wounds that bled constantly because they weren't allowed to heal. My use of the word ichor (which, admittedly, has more than one possible application) was merely flavor intended to break the monotony of reading "blood" a bajillion times. Ideally, this is one of the many things that would have been cleaned up, if I had only had the time. 

I don't _think_ I can claim the star-as-hole-in-the-sky concept as uniquely mine. I'm pretty sure I saw something similar somewhere in the past, but I haven't the faintest recollection where. It might even have appeared in some earlier IRON DM entry. Either way, the concept has just sort of floated around in the back of my head for years.  Until this entry, when I _absolutely needed to incorporate the fundamental premise to make things work. I think I built on and adapted the concept sufficiently that I was comfortable including it without feeling completely derivative, but, as the lesson of Wicht's ghost-dryad/ship's-mast IRON DM entry teaches us, opinions vary about such things (short version for those who weren't around in 2001= the Judge felt the scenario was too similar to an idea presented in an AD&D core book. The resulting decision against the entry was...largely unpopular, let's say). 

Next, the Balancing Act: While it's true that the triumvirate has a balancing act going on, the intended PC-relevant one (that is, the one they definitely would have to find out about to achieve their goals) would be the one(s) they perform to release the wards on Sagacity. All other appearances were merely echoes of a theme (which is why I generally did not try to call them out). As for the actual trigger on the puzzle box, it is presented as a list of possible things the PCs could do (with multiple interpretations, as well) precisely because the nature of Dungeon World can see the adventure unfold in so many directions. Regarding balancing of power among the demons: it is not explicitly stated that they start on equal levels, but each of their (mutually exclusive) Impending Dooms does make it explicit. Of course, this does require familiarity with how Fronts work to make sense of--something I very badly wished I could make time to explain. 

Making the puzzle box an actual puzzle for the players: Oh, I only wish I could have. But spending the time and the words on fleshing its riddle into a more fully-fledged puzzle for the players was not a luxury I could afford, especially since it would not actually further the adventure in any way. As consolation for myself, I focused on making the whole adventure into a puzzle. The Front format assisted in this, providing pieces for the players to arrange as they saw fit (hence the title of the piece, which otherwise would have been named "Under a Blood-Red Star").

On the relevance of Demonic Coin: the specific currency is more important to the Rotten Prince's plans than may be apparent at first. By requiring the demonic coin or favors, he ensures that customers are corrupted before they can pay. By spreading zombies through the land, he corrupts the society that increasingly accepts them. And by turning living (especially innocent) folk into zombies, he is literally corrupting them (while also making more product to sell). The Rotten Prince gets 'em comin' and goin'--and in between, as well. By attaching the coin to both ends of this scheme, Cerberus ensures that buy-in always advances the Rotten Prince's agenda. 

Of course, the PCs could think of some other way to traverse the Bloodmire, or some other means of acquiring the carriage and zombies to pull it (or some other means to pull it, entirely). If they do, good for them! They need not personally ever acquire or use demonic coin (although owing a favor seems unlikely; in my experience, PCs will go to extreme lengths to avoid owing unspecified favors to untrustworthy and powerful entities). But they will still be faced with the decision that involves the demonic coins and their response to that decision will certainly shape events to come. 

Running Cerberus: Yes. He most certainly is a character with a lot to keep track of. I hoped his potential for interesting interaction (sometimes helpful and sometimes antagonistic toward the PCs) would be enough to help the GM make him work. I slipped in a suggestion that Cerberus resented his masters to help facilitate this (which is why he's willing to do things that will sabotage his masters' efforts and also why the Overseer doesn't trust him to always have possession of the box), but making it explicit was far down on the list of things to fix. Running Cerberus might be easier if he was treated essentially like multiple characters in one body (like the movie version of Smeagol/Gollum, but with a third personality), rather than the implied single personality with sometimes conflicting motivations (as with the book version of Smeagol/Gollum, plus one more set of motivations). I personally think the second approach would be more rewarding, but also probably harder to pull off. [/sblock]

[Sblock=After reading Wicht's JudgementI must confess to a small degree of confusion about how harshly both judges (so far) have come down on my use of the Horseless Carriage ingredient. Yes, it is something that the PCs can avoid using, but its availability still triggers a hard decision (likely more than one) that the PCs will need to resolve. Added to that, I'm not sure that avoiding the use of the carriage is all that likely, even if it is desirable for the PCs. (And, as a side-note, if it does get used, it also sets up a fun encounter when its zombies turn on the PCs while they're in the carriage.) 

At the very least, the fact that it absolutely could not be anything else other than a horseless carriage seems to have been undervalued somewhat. But maybe I'm just being defensive because so much of my time went into that particular ingredient. 

With that out of the way, I suppose I should talk about the adventure/campaign issue. This is one of the problems I knew I was going to have when I gambled on Dungeon World. The difference between adventure fronts and campaign fronts is sometimes more one of pacing than scope; as such, they are designed to be switched from one to the other fluidly. That's one of many Dungeon World-specific issues I needed, wanted, and intended to spend some words explaining, but was entirely unable to due to spending such a large portion of my time working the ingredients. 

Granted, I could have pulled back on the scope, but, given the cosmology and demonic political structure presented, it was really just easier to ride it out rather than fight the pull toward world-changing events. Best leave the decision about whether to pace events on an adventure- or campaign-scaled timeline to the GM. I hoped. [/sblock]_


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## Wicht (Oct 16, 2016)

[MENTION=67]Rune[/MENTION] - I suspected the formatting was specific to the rules set of Dungeon World but am/was unfamiliar with it. Its one of the dangers of relying on mechanics others are unfamiliar with. 

Regarding the Horseless Carriage, it just "felt" weak. Can't really explain it other than that. I know that when we write these things, in our heads we know how it is meant to be, and one assumes that the point is made. It's a bit like editing your own work for grammar, I suppose. You know what it should say, and so, its easy to read over it and assume that is what it does say.


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## Wicht (Oct 16, 2016)

Ladies and Gentlemen and other sundry onlookers!

We come to the moment we have all been waiting for.

*Iron DM 2016 - The Final Round!!!*

In corner one we have [MENTION=67]Rune[/MENTION] ready to take on the Champion. Rune has been rarin' for this match for some time and has managed, after a close semi-finals, to make it to his desired destination. But does he have what it takes to go all... the... way?

In the other corner we have [MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION], our reigning champion, ready to defend his title. He too made it into the finals by the barest of margins... But now, he stands, bloodied but unbeaten, ready to metaphorically clean his oppenents metaphorical clock. 

For this event we have eight ingredients of the finest quality. Our contestants must take these ingredients and churn out an adventure. They have 48 hours to do so, and the entries need to be posted by 1 p.m. EST this Tuesday.

*The ingredients for this round, hand picked by the judges, are as follows:*
_Ancient Curse
Moonlight Serenade
Hate Story
Sanctioned Kidnappings
Dirty Laundry
Awakened Behemoth
Unstable Cargo
Sail of Stars_

You may start when you are ready, and as ever, Good Luck!


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## Gradine (Oct 17, 2016)

I have to say, I think "Hate Story" is probably my favorite ingredient I've seen in my three years doing this. This should be a good one!


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## Deuce Traveler (Oct 18, 2016)

*Iron DM 2016, Final Round, Deuce Traveler Submission (The Hulk)*

*Name:* The Hulk

*Game System:* Traveller

*Ingredients:*
Ancient Curse
Moonlight Serenade
Hate Story
Sanctioned Kidnappings
Dirty Laundry
Awakened Behemoth
Unstable Cargo
Sail of Stars

*Synopsis:*
Revori Enterprises, a Solomani corporation specializing in xeno-biological research and development, is looking for freelancers to journey to the Mantabi of Sivalus V.  The Revori representative, Gary Kay, hires the crew and its ship to visit a particular tribe called the Waanu, and watch how their lunar ceremony is performed when both of the planets moons have waxed in the sky.  The characters are told that when the moons are full, the latent psychic powers of the Mantabi are multiplied exponentially.  Therefore the party should report any hallucinations witnessed.

Although the party lands with needed medicines, the Waanu are unfriendly towards outsiders.  They do not explain why, except to say that all offworlders are thieves and liars.  The issue will be dropped there unless a freelancer takes time to befriend one of the Waanu.  It turns out that around a hundred years ago, a starship visited the tribe and stole away a young child named Flower.  Flower's mother, Clara, was an unusually strong psychic and raved after the loss, telling her peers in graphic detail how Flower was being harmed by her kidnappers.  Her newfound hatred for offworlders and her stories of what Flower suffered deeply affected the tribe's own views.  Clara cursed those that took her daughter and soon after took her own life.  The tribe finds it important to bury the dead with detailed shrines celebrating a Waanu's life, and the party is allowed to visit Clara's grave site.  An empty plot for Flower is left next to where Clara lies.

Although generations of time has healed most of these emotional wounds, the tribe still maintains its distrust.  They will allow the freelancers to attend the ceremony in exchange for the medicines they are bringing, but they make no attempt to hide their disgust at their presence.  The party will negotiate with the chief of the tribe, and the tribe's priestess, in order to try to change the tribe's disposition.  Showing genuine curiosity for the tribe's customs helps while smug displays of superiority will alienate the Waanu.   Medical and farming aid is also appreciated, as is any other skill set that can help the welfare of the Waanu.  The tribe's final disposition towards the characters will come in play during the ceremony.

If one or both of the tribe's leaders are positively swayed towards the characters, then villagers will explain that the ceremony is primarily for the young.  As the young come to age psychically, their fears and emotions generate powerful hallucinations.  The tribe comes out to sing to the youth in order to give them psychic stability during the waxing lunar periods, when the youths' powers are strongest.  The fears of the youth often become physical manifestations, and sometimes the young lose complete control of these temporary psychic creations.  The creation can be destroyed with physical weapons, but care has to be taken, for the weapon will easily continue its path through the apparition.  Energy weapons are better options as they have a visible impact against the animated psychic energy.

The combined song of the ceremony helps improve the youths' control of the hallucinations, while helping avoid insanity from what they witness.  If the villagers as a whole feel more relaxed with the freelancers, the psychic conjurations that inevitably shake their mental leashes do no real damage to the characters and seem more of a nuisance.  If the characters do not improve their relations with the villagers, they are surprised when some of the youth lose control.  The villagers' distrust inadvertently fuels the power of these creations, with the result that they are more fearful and do energy-based damage that can wound or kill.  This might result in the party lashing out and accidentally injuring villagers if not careful.  If such chaos breaks, the tribe grabs their young and disperses into the wild.  

Revori Enterprises finds the information that comes out of either scenario revealing and offers the party a following mission.  One of their research ships was transporting goods from the Waanu a century ago, but the vessel was lost in transit.  The ship was recently located and Revori Enterprises wants its property back.  If the characters find out about Flower, Mr. Kay will seem surprised by their knowledge and confirm their suspicions, but will insist that she was brought aboard the vessel as an honored guest.

The drifting ship is the _Cavanough_, an ion-powered ship that employed two wide, foldable solar sails.  Mr. Kay informs the party that the ship seems to be without power and with its solar sails torn and retracted.  He wants the party to get on board via an airlock near the bridge, employ the solar sail so the ship can start running on auxiliary power, and see if they can recover the research files from the _Cavanough_.  He also wants the party to redirect the ship towards the nearest station with Revori Enterprises representation so that it can be recovered.  The party can keep any salvage they find in the cargo hold.

The _Cavanough_ is a elongated ship with rounded traverse tunnels separating box-like crew sections.  The sections are from front to back: the bridge, navigation, common room, crew quarters alpha, crew quarters bravo, research lab, engineering, and the cargo bay.  Two airlocks allow for access, one operational in between the bridge and navigation, and another between the research labs and engineering that appears damaged.  

The ship is cursed and haunted.  Once the characters get close to the ship, their psychic thoughts awaken what lies inside.  Once every 2-12 hours, a curse powered through Clara's restless spirit will cause something to go wrong with either the _Cavanaugh_ or players' starship.  Flower's ghost causes a psychic apparition once every hour.  Roll 1d6 when this happens.  On a 1-3, one or more characters suddenly hears the pleas and cries of the different children that were kidnapped for experimentation.  On a 4, an alien child appears to harmlessly punch or slash at a character before disappearing into nothingness.  On a 5, the harmless apparition takes on the appearance of a gun-wielding Revori mercenary or scalpel-wielding surgeon.  On a 6, the psychic creation is more physical and will fight as a normal person until it disappears when 'killed'.  Parts of the ship have multiple bodies from the last hundred years, as various scavengers have died exploring the hulk.

Working Airlock: If the airlock is opened from the outside without a boarding tube, the recent body of a Revori employee floats passed and into space.

Bridge: Access is easy once power is restored.  Inside is the horrid mystery of how the crew died.  From their blue-tinged skin, the five present crew members seemed to have suffocated while trying to weld through to the traverse tunnel. However, life support is working and the door operational.  The corpses wear ancient Revori uniforms.  The bridge records show nothing odd until the last entry.  This is an audio entry of a crewman yelling for the captain to send help as he is trapped in the cargo room with some sort of beast.  The audio ends in a blood curdling scream.

Navigation: Second section of ship.  There is a manual crank for employing the solar sail.  Once employed, auxiliary power is established, but imperfectly, causing lights to flicker on and off.  Life support has stale-smelling air.  The solar sails are seen to be torn and needing repair before the ship can navigate properly.  For some unknown reason, the sail will somehow retract on its own when worked on, potentially injuring or ripping the space suit of whoever is working on it unless they're reflexes save them.  Clara's curse in effect.

Common Room: Serves also as dining facility.  A freezer room in a floor compartment accessed through an electronic hatch.  Inside the freezer room are three frozen bodies of recent Revori employees.  One has a data stick with messages from Mr. Kay asking them to recover the hulk.  While in the party is in there, the hatch locks and apparitions of the three dead employees attack the party.
Crew Quarters Alpha: Personal affects of the crew are scattered all through this room.
Crew Quarters Bravo: A suicided geonee scavenger is found among the ransacked items.  A note reads "Can't get out.  Can't stop hearing their cries."

Research Lab: The equipment and tables still look pristine.  As the characters enter they can hear the wailing of children.  Shortly after the lights flicker off, then back on, and the tables seem occupied with small bodies underneath white sheets.  A moment later, deadly psychic creations leap forth to attack, appearing as children of various races.

Research files can be found on the computer.  They state that the company leadership sanctioned kidnappings of psionic children.  Experiments were conducted to find the DNA code for psychic potential in an effort to compete with the Zhodani.  Several children died during the experiments, while others were delivered to a larger research facility and their fate left unknown. One of the last log entries mentions Flower and reads, "Patient seems to have tapped into the psychic residue of previous candidates.  She mentions names she should not know.  Dr. Carl theorizes that she is able to tap into this residue and increase her power further; an exciting thesis that makes Flower our most promising subject."

Damaged Airlock: Something burned the door, leaving residue and melted parts. 

Engineering: A diagnostic report reveals that the booster fuel tanks are unhooked.  They are needed to get the ship up to speed before depending on the solar sails.  Someone needs to go to the cargo bay to reconnect them.  Once the tanks are ready, the engines above the cargo bay can be manipulated from here.

Cargo Bay: Flower's corpse is among the cargo.  As soon as the character get near her body, their thoughts are sensed by Flower's ghost and it begins to animate organic material around the corpse.  The face of the resulting behemoth wears goggles and a blue face mask, reminding the characters of a surgeon.  Other parts of the coalesced monster are taken from the fears of the freelancers.  For instance, if one was bitten badly recently by some sort of beast, then a second head grows from the monstrosity resembling the beast.  Flower, and the haunting of the ship, can be stopped in several ways, while  Clara is tethered to Flower's ghost and will follow her daughter's fate.

Killing the behemoth results in Flower's discorporation as she puts all her fears and energy into the creation.  Finding a way to separate Flower's corpse from the center of the beast and eject her body into space also stops her from influencing the ship.  Finally, the freelancers might use recorded sounds of the lunar ceremony to quell Flower temporarily.  But her power, as well as her anxiety, waxes and wanes as the party uses the lull to travel through different parts of space.  The ghost will rest if the party can get Flower's corpse to the Waanu burial grounds.  Revori Enterprises would like to sweep this incident under the rug and plans to pay the freelancers well for their continued silence.  If the party decides to air the company's dirty laundry, Revori Enterprises is greatly harmed, but will prosecute the freelancers for breech of contract.  The party will have new foes and new allies depending on what they do with what was learned.


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## Iron Sky (Oct 18, 2016)

Rune said:


> First,  @_*Iron Sky*_, hook me up with that streamlined Front format! I also find the default to be sometimes cumbersome.




I've never explained it externally, just used it internally, so I'll be coming up with names and things on the fly for this. Maybe good names are Actors and Events. I'll sblock a rough overview of what I do below so it doesn't derail the thread.

[sblock=Actors and Events]Actors are any powerful individual or organization that is large enough to effect the direction of the game world. This could be anything from a powerful wizard to a dragon to a horde of orcs to a severe winter to the evil Queen Bavmorda and her army.

Events are things Actors will do at some point in the future unless the PCs intervene (assuming they can, which isn't always the case). It could be a wizard summoning a demon to destroy a town, a dragon migrating to new territory and battling a rival dragon for it, the horde of orcs spilling over the frontier, or the Queen sending agents to find an infant princess. I try to set a vague timeline for each and sometimes put a short reminder (Queen takes Stormport) on my Calendar about when it will happen. I usually try to just set one Event per Actor at a time until/unless the PCs take an interest in it and begin interfering. Until then it gives enough definition that it makes the world feel real, but not enough that I have to spend a lot of time thinking about it.

I try to have at least one Actor covering each major section of the world. For example, if there were Elflands, Orclands, and Humanlands, I'd be sure there was either one large Actor covering all of them (a supernatural storm, a guild war, even a bountiful harvest season!) or enough smaller ones to cover each so if PCs ever ask someone what's happening somewhere, there's always at least one interesting thing they can find out ("Oh, the plague is sweeping through the Capitol")

In my game, the Actors nearest the PCs are the Revolt against The Empire to the north west, a Barbarian Invasion in the north, Suicide Martyr attacks in the city the PCs are in, a Legion marching north to put down the revolt from down south, and a pair of child Twin Emperors kidnapped from the Secluded Kingdom to the East.

The PCs learn of events via Revelations. If it seems like a good time to slip in fleeing refugees, rumors of the evil queen sacking a distant fortress, sightings of something huge moving through the forest, whatever, that's the Revelation when the Actor and Event get "locked in". 

The Revelation is almost never a major Event itself - just a hint of the Event to a) maybe give the PCs a chance to do something about it or b) to make your world feel more real and less random. If they have hints, something clicks in their brain when the actual Event happens and they say "aah, these are the evil Queen's troops" or "oh damn, that thing charging at us is that huge monster those shepherds were talking about". Sometimes they'll just stumble into an event, but I try to foreshadow whenever possible.

For example, in my current game, the party got the Revelation of the Legion by hearing rumors of it then hearing distant bugles, catching glimpses of outriders. The next session, they camped in the Legion followers camp and learned it was marching north to put down the Revolt (first Revelation of the Revolt). When they reached the "City of Airships" they met a young martyr from the Revolt and learned that massive suicide attacks were coordinated across the city at sunset (Martyr Revelation, tied to the Revolt). Now that they've "accidentally" commandeered and airship they'll be flying over the Barbarian Invasion, etc.

I have a little section in my game notes of Events that might look like this:

*Colossus uncovered in Scrapmoors, invades Empire with Knights Mechane
*Sultinate forces retake Umbar
*Twilight Empire undead army seized by rogue agent, marches West
*25 + 26th Legions go rogue, take city of Seer

Some might have dates set (especially if they are nearby), if not, they'll just happen at some point in the future.

I don't feel like I explained that very well, but hopefully it gives you a general idea. I'll maybe think about it more and see if I can figure out how to make it more succinct.[/sblock]

Also, @_*Rune*_, my critiques of your ingredients were to some degree a result of me being tired and it being at hour 5 of 6 (about 2am) of my judgment writing. Rereading now, I'd probably give a couple another point or two, but as I go I have noticed I get more and more critical, in part because get so meta about things I get a bit ungrounded as to what exactly good looks like sometimes. I think your adventure had maybe the most solid set of ingredients I've seen in any IronDM entry I've seen - both individually and how they were woven together.



Gradine said:


> I have to say, I think "Hate Story" is probably  my favorite ingredient I've seen in my three years doing this. This  should be a good one!




I thought of it watching Netflicks when a "Love Stories" suggestion list popped up. As I scrolled through it, I wondered there was never the opposite.


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## Rune (Oct 18, 2016)

*Championship Match: Deuce Traveler vs. Rune*

Ancient Curse
Moonlight Serenade
Hate Story
Sanctioned Kidnappings
Dirty Laundry
Awakened Behemoth
Unstable Cargo
Sail of Stars


*With Strange Aeons...*
_A System-Agnostic Sword and Sorcery Adventure. _

Destruction slumbers beneath the waves. Its twisting dreams break mortal minds. It lures its faithful toward monstrous devotion. Within the city walls, destruction festers in another form. Driven by an ancient curse, hatred breeds revolt. Enter the PCs, caught between the schemes of two wicked factions. 

Imprecation is a coastal city-state on a gulf called the Depthless Basin. It is a bustling trade city and a likely stop for adventurers in transition. Across the center of the Basin a stretch of sea is never touched by breath of wind. Within, a twisted tower of dark malice claws at the heavens above. 

*Hooks: * 

There are numerous means by which adventurers can be entangled in unfolding events.


They could be hired by a noble house to find their missing daughter. 


They could be hired to recover an expensive gown stolen by a washerwoman. 


They could be overheard or accused of illegally asking questions about the city's curse. 


They could be suffering from maddening dreams and be sought out by cultists. 


They could be commissioned by local clergy to root out a blasphemous cult.

*What's going on: * 


In ancient days, Odium the Abhorrent, a practitioner of darkest sorcery, laid a curse upon the king of that age and all his line. This curse is inscribed onto a large lead tablet and set prominently into the castle's wall for all to see. It reads: _"Save the City as ye might; daughters fed into the night. Beast that dreams below appeased; even spared, none shall be pleased. All for naught; your line must fall. Flame and fury, eating all."_ By decree, no one in the City may speak of the curse. But no king has dared remove or cover the tablet, because its maker is said to still live and watch over Imprecation.


Despite being illegal to relate, the tale of the curse's origin is well-known and oft-repeated in the City, though never in the open. It tells of an ancestor to the current king who married a woman already betrothed to a man of darkest sorcery. The sorcerer cursed the King and all his house. The nature of that curse varies with the telling, but its results are unambiguous. Every generation, some dark purpose compels the current King to steal away the daughters of Imprecation's noble houses, though some kings try to hide it. The dissemination of this story foments a hatred for the King among those who hear it told. Some of this hatred is natural, but some is a supernatural manifestation of the curse. Odium the Abhorrent is skilled in mind-controlling magics and uses the story to sow the seeds of bloody rebellion against the King.


The King has hired an independent agent to secretly kidnap the daughters of the City's noble houses and sacrifice them to the sea. This tradition, passed to him by his fathers, is intended to spare the City from the awakening of a massive monster, said to be slumbering beneath the waves. The sacrifice does not truly help the City; it is merely a cruel compulsion of the curse. Imprecation's guards do not know about the King's involvement of the kidnappings, but he has ordered them to quash any investigations, nevertheless. 


Unbeknown to the King, his agent is really Odium. The sacrifices are not intended for the sea. Instead, they are actually taken to his dark tower across the Basin, where they fuel rituals that unnaturally extend the sorcerer's life. He lures them in the guise of a would-be lover, come to serenade them in the night. Moonlight is best for this; Odium has long since given himself to the Powers of Darkness and moonlight is now the only light by which he can look fair. His serenade is actually a powerful spell of mind-controlling, strengthened by including in its casting some personal token of the victim's. This token is often acquired well in advance through the use of subtle magics, guile, or stealthy minions. 

The victims are chosen from among the nobility for four reasons: Fostering hatred of the king among the nobility is designed to drive their political ambition toward eventual revolt. Once the nobility has spent its fury, the clashing houses will leave a power vacuum that Odium intends to fill. Additionally, watching the steady decay of civility has brought him much amusement over the centuries. Most importantly, the quality of the sacrifices matter; the bluer the blood, the more years of stolen life he gains through his ritual. 


The mind-controlled victims are stowed as cargo on a small sailing ship, docile and inactive. There are four of these. A fifth is also stashed away with them, but the spell cast upon her is already beginning to fail, because her capture was a mistake. The young woman is not the intended victim. She is a servant--a washerwoman named Stella--who foolishly "borrowed" and donned a very costly gown that she was only supposed to clean. The gown is stitched with a thousand fragments of fallen stars, collected at great expense. It seems to make the wearer more light and graceful. At night, it sparkles with such brilliance that Stella's captor could not distinguish her from his intended victim from outside the window. Thus, the personal effects incorporated in the casting of the serenade were of no use in empowering its effect. 


The harbormaster has a record of all docked ships in the harbor, except one. None of the logged ships are passing over the center of the Basin. No known ship can. The undocumented ship, Umbra, is bound for Odium's tower and, therefore, must. Belowdecks, his docile victims have been stowed as cargo in the hold. 


In order for Umbra to sail across the windless center of the Basin, it must use a special sail. The sail is sewn with many fragments of fallen stars and glitters with their light. Under starlight, the fragments reach toward their brethren, pulling upward as if to get away. Clever manipulation of the sail converts that lifting force into forward momentum and allows the ship to move. 


Umbra is crewed by Odium's minions. Odium has chosen to remain in the City to watch the fulfillment of his ancient curse. His victims are to be stored in his tower until he returns. 


The slumbering beast does exist, though its awakening is only tangentially related to Imprecation's sacrificed daughters. The beast is a monstrously colossal mass of scales and tentacles with eyes of void; a traveler from beyond the stars. Beneath the sea, at the windless center of the Basin, it secretes its alien dreams into minds too weak to withstand them. Some few such broken people work in secret congregation to awaken their patron. A Cult of the Behemoth. Soon, very soon, the stars will be right. The rituals will call out. A sacrifice shall be made. The Behemoth shall rise from the depths and destruction shall reign.

*Events in the City: * 

The following events are designed to occur in balance with each other. When the PCs interfere with (or aid) one of the listed events, they should discover evidence of another occurring in their absence. Not all of these events need to happen in order, but some are necessarily sequential. 


A shopkeeper is arrested for telling the story of the curse. 
Dark and alien dreams plague one or more of the PCs. 
The noble houses begin hiring mercenaries. 
A cultist disembowels himself in the center of the city. A message is scrawled in his blood: *"THE AWAKENING IS NIGH"*
Members of the city guard go missing in the Noble district. 
Cultists of the Behemoth coerce a deckhand to allow one of their number to stow away aboard Odium's ship.  
The noble houses clash in open revolt against the King. 
Umbra sets sail with the kidnapped victims. This will only happen at dusk, as a large portion of its voyage must be done by starlight.

*At the Harbor: *

At this point, sufficient investigation likely will have led the PCs to Odium's ship. Events from this point on will play out much differently, depending on their actions (or inaction) at the harbor. 


If there is a cultist aboard Umbra and it departs without the PCs, the cultist completes the cult's sacrifice and awakens the Behemoth. The ship and all souls aboard are lost and the Behemoth advances upon Imprecation, where only a unified defense and the efforts of mighty adventurers can hope to repel it. If the city falls, Odium will keep his distance from the Behemoth and eventually establish a new tower elsewhere in the world. 


If Umbra departs without PCs or cultist aboard, the Behemoth is not awakened. Instead, the victims are taken to Odium's tower, where they will eventually fuel his life-extending rituals. If the PCs find a way to forestall revolution in Imprecation, the uneasy peace may last a generation. Yet, as long as the curse remains unbroken, revolt looms ever in the future. 


If the PCs prevent the ship from sailing entirely, not only is the Behemoth not awakened, but the "borrowed" gown can be returned to its owner and the kidnapped women can be returned to their families (assuming they survive the disabling of the ship). If revolt has not yet broken out, the fallout from returning the victims could either forestall or hasten it. Stella will regain control of her mind within hours, but it will take weeks for the nobles. During this time, Odium will certainly seek to recapture the women. Additionally, the PCs now have earned his enmity.


If the PCs find themselves aboard Umbra when it departs, things will get a little crazy:

*On the Windless Sea: *


If the PCs fight and defeat Umbra's crew before it reaches the center of the Basin, events will play out much as they would if the ship never departed from Imprecation. However, if there is a cultist on board, he will do everything in his power to prevent the ship from changing course. 


If the PCs go belowdecks (or are hiding there), they have an opportunity to discover the stowaway cultist, if there is one on board. Additionally, they will find the captive cargo standing nearly catatonic in the hold. One of these women--Stella--regains her mind a few hours after departure, just as Umbra reaches the center of the Basin. When she regains consciousness, a volatile fury engulfs her; she emerges from the hold with explosive violence, intent on seizing control of the ship and wreaking vengeance upon her captors. This will go much better for her if the she has the PCs' aid. 


If there is a cultist aboard, he will use the chaos around him to sneak up the rigging and cut a crippling gash into the sail of stars, thus completing his brethren's rituals with a sacrifice of ship, crew, and cargo to the Behemoth below. The Behemoth awakes. 


If the Behemoth wakes, it attacks the crippled ship. The Behemoth might be driven off through the might of the adventurers, but the ship's limited mobility makes victory much less likely. Chances may be improved if the sail is patched, but the only material on board that would be of use for this is the gown worn by Stella, who is disinclined to relinquish it. 


If Umbra makes it all the way to Odium's tower, many more minions await, as well as profane ritual rooms, arcane libraries, and exotic macabre collections. Eventually, of course, Odium the Abhorrent also will be there. 


Once the PCs return to Imprecation, whether victorious or not, they will find the City either on the brink of revolt, or already in its throes. Of course, if Odium is vanquished, the PCs may just fill the resulting power vacuum themselves.


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## Rune (Oct 18, 2016)

About your entry,  [MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION]:

[Sblock]Damn that looks like good, creepy fun! Really evokes the _Event Horizon_ tone very well.[/sblock]


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## Deuce Traveler (Oct 18, 2016)

Rune
[sblock]
I was thinking Event Horizon meets the video game F.E.A.R.

Yours made me think of the Savage Sword of Conan graphic novels.
[/sblock]


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## Iron Sky (Oct 20, 2016)

Without any preamble aside from this preamble about the lack of preamble, let's jump right in.

 [sblock=The Hulk]*Readability*: There's no headings, no bold fonts to mark out sections of the ship, a lack of white space separating The Common Room from Crew Quarters Alpha/Bravo. This is a quick fix that makes going back and referencing details difficult due to a lack of "page geography"; there's very few visual landmarks to find your way around when you're looking for something.

  Know when you have a physical copy of an RPG book and you find the combat chapter because if you skim through and there's the picture of the castle you've gone too far one way and if you get to the sample dungeon map you've gone too far the other way? That.

  Not only does it reduce readability as the lack of anything aside from the line of white space between paragraphs breaks up the wordslaught making it both less visually appealing and more mentally fatiguing to read.

  These criticisms aside, everything was written clearly and well. While the language generally drifts passive("is", "are", "will" action verbs), it also shifts now and then to more engaging, active phrasing.

  Some of the terms seem to be Traveller-setting specific (geonee, Solomani, Zhodani, etc) which don't seem critical that I know, but a tiny bit of clarification might be helpful (or just making them human).

  A few typos slipped in here and there "they're" instead of "their", but nothing derailing.

  Lastly, a few lines that I couldn't figure out:  

  "But her power, as well as her anxiety, waxes and wanes as the party uses the lull to travel through different parts of space." So, they play the recording and then Flower's power wanes and waxes anyway but only if they use the lull to fly somewhere else in space? What? I've read it several times, but I'm not sure exactly what is meant here, partially because I'm not sure what "quelling" Flower does. Does she go completely dormant or reign in her behemoth or what?  That part stopped me cold trying to figure it out.

"Clara is tethered to Flower's ghost"... what does _that_ mean? Is she a ghost too or does that mean her curse is tethered?

7/10 Pts.

*Cool*: Exploring a derelict spaceship haunted by the lingering ghost of a kidnapped psychic girl. That's pretty damn cool.
  10/10 Pts.

*Playability*: See readability for difficulty skimming back to reference various parts due to lack of headings or bold type on relevant sections. Especially important for an exploration-based adventure to save long "loads" when PCs suddenly go somewhere new while you look for it.

  Otherwise, it seems like it would be fun to play and interesting to run. I don't know if I'm a huge fan of having cool events hinged to a dice roll: what if I roll 12 on the curse malfunction roll? Is there any way the PCs will be there that long. How cool would it be if the curse knocked out their own ship and they had to fix the _Cavanough_ in order to get away? As is, I could see more skittish groups bailing when a ghostly alien kid drifts through the hull and jacks a scalpel into the back of someone's neck, but kill their only way out...

  Also, I'm not quite sure if "rounded traverse tunnels" allow one to bypass sections of the ship – making exploration non-linear – or simply connect from one section to the next. I like the first idea more as it allows groups to choose their own path through the ship, even if most will probably just go stem-to-stern.

  Lastly, I don't think any group I've seen would think to perform either of the alternate methods of calming Flower unless it were absolutely kicking their asses and they were desperate.

  7/10 Pts.

*PC Relevance/Agency*: Let's look at what the PCs actually do:

  They are hired, fly to Sivalus V where they befriend or alienate the locals and witness a psychic ritual that either scares them or attempts to murder them depending on where their initial diplomacy landed them.  

  Part two of the adventure finds them hunting down the ancient wreck of corporate research vessel, piecing together the riddle of what happened even as they piece together the broken ship, culminating with a terrifying battle against a half-organic, half-phantasmal monster assembled from dead bodies and the PC's worst fears. Did I mention how awesome a premise this is?

  If they never show up, Revori doesn't get tipped off to the Mantabi right of passage and the _Cavanough_ remains a haunted wreck drifting between the stars. Best case if all goes well, they make (psychic) allies on a backwater planet, clear out a haunted ship, get paid, and maybe trash the "good name" of a major corporation.

  8/10 Pts.

*Choices*: The PCs have a few interesting choices here. First, how do they befriend the villagers if they even bother? That this has consequences for the danger level of the ceremony is cool and makes their decision really matter.

  On the ship, I can't tell if they really have any choice in the order they explore. On first reading I understood the "transverse tunnels" to run along the whole ship to allow the PCs choices on where to go in which order, but I'm not sure if that is actually the case after subsequent reads. If it is (and if the PCs know what section is where) then they have some choices on how to explore, what to fix first, etc. If it isn't, the ship is a railroad, which makes it less interesting and reduces the PC's influence. Since it's unclear, I'll assume it's linear.

  Lastly, they have several methods to put down the behemoth, but I'm not sure how groups would figure out how to disconnect Flower's corpse or play it a soothing song, as mentioned above.

7/10 Pts.

*Rules*: On time. Word count good. 10/10 Pts.

*Ingredients*

*Ancient Curse: *Clara's curse on the kidnappers. I'm not sure if a century is ancient as curses go and am also somewhat unclear as to the specifics of said curse. After its initial mention, Clara's curse sees reference again only in regards to the solar sails... did she only curse them? Is the curse responsible for Flower's ghost or is that all Flower's psychic juju? When it says the ship is cursed AND haunted it makes me think the two are separate? This would be a lot stronger if the specifics of the curse were enumerated. "Clara's psychic curse rouses ghosts within the ship" or something would make it more clear if the two are directly linked or not.

  3/5pts.

*Moonlight Serenade*: The song that calms down the psychic powers of the tribal kids. The powers manifest according to the lunar periods and the serenade is calming, if not necessarily open-air as Serenade usually indicates. The moon's period indicates how much of it is reflecting light, so it is moonlight related.

  4/5pts.

*Hate Story: *This is harder ingredient, but hatred is mentioned in terms of Clara's hatred for and curse upon the Revori. It is a story the party learns of her hatred, which manifests more later, though Flower's psychic haunting seems more relevant with the ship than the curse. If the curse _caused_ the haunting then it all ties together, but a bit of unclear languaging leaves me unsure if there is causation or merely psychic correlation. Clearing this up would strengthen the Curse as well.

  4/5pts.

*Sanctioned Kidnappings: *the kidnappings of Flower and the other psychic children. Sanctioned usually implies approved by a larger outside authoritarian body, which in this case is the corporate leadership which is authoritarian but not an outsider. Still works.

  5/5pts.

*Dirty Laundry*: The kidnappings being the "dirty laundry" of Revori. The PCs can release this information at the end to tarnish Revori's reputation, though this makes me wonder why Revori Ent. hired outsiders in the first place. The whole adventure is about their dirty laundry, might be a bit stronger if the Revori worked harder to keep them from finding it out.

  4/5 pts.

*Awakened Behemoth*: Flower's summoned creation that forms the final battle. It is indeed awakened, however it is not essential that it be a "Behemoth" either in size or in bestial traits – in fact, it is given primarily human traits with only the _possibility_ of maybe having some bestial ones. She could as easily summon a dozen smaller apparitions (as I think she has been doing... or is that her mother's curse?) for them to fight instead.

  3/5 pts.

*Unstable Cargo*: Flower's corpse floating in the cargo bay (I'm assuming no artificial gravity anyway). Not only is she unstable mentally and psychically, she's doesn't seem to be anchored to anything in the cargo bay either (until it animates).  

  5/5 pts.

*Sail of Stars*: The solar sail. This is a cool use, but the ship could have been powered by anything else – it didn't _have_ to be a solar sail as nifty as this is. It does seem to be the primary target of Clara's curse for some reason, though I'm not sure that strengthens it.

  2/5 Pts.

*Ingredient Weave*: 

  Sentence: The PCs are hired to investigate corporate Dirty Laundry starting with a Moonlight Serenade, discovering in the process a Hate Story leading to an Ancient Curse on the Sail of Stars of a starship engaged in Sanctioned Kidnappings and now carrying Unstable Cargo that can manifest an Awakened Behemoth.

  Pretty strong.

  Let's try replacements: The PCs are hired to investigate corporate Dirty Laundry starting with a Moonlight Serenade, discovering in the process a Hate Story leading to an Strangely-specifc Curse on the Nuclear Generator of a starship engaged in Sanctioned Kidnappings and now carrying Unstable Cargo that can manifest Twenty Apparitions.

  3/8 replaceable is pretty good, historically.

  4/5 Pts.

*Summary*
  My main issues with this otherwise rock-solid entry could have been cleaned up by a bit more appealing formatting, and a little clarification of the curse and the ship layout. 5 minutes spent bolding ship sections, dropping a heading here and there, and better explanation of the curse(there were 100 words to spare!) would have been worth a few points at the least.

  A compelling scenario with exploration, mystery, combat, diplomacy, horror, and a pretty cool story behind it to boot. Run has his work cut out for him. Deuce Traveler isn't the reigning champion for nothing.

*Total*: 83/105 Pts.[/sblock]

  [sblock=With Strange Aeons...]

*Readability*: As mentioned in Rune's the last round judgement, poetic language is either a boon or a bane and rarely anything between. Similarly, this doesn't quite work for me. I think I figured out what it is, too: the sentences are too short and choppy for the way the language is woven. Here's almost identical wording but combining a couple sentences:

  "Destruction slumbers beneath the waves, breaking mortal minds with its twisting dreams. It lures its faithful toward monstrous devotion while within the city walls destruction festers in another form. Driven by an ancient curse, hatred breeds revolt. Enter the PCs, caught between the schemes of two wicked factions."

  Tweaked just slightly and it flips from bane to boon (for me, at least).  

  Again as before, after the opening, everything is well-formatted and eminently readable. This time, however, the language has kicked up towards primarily active wording: "betrothed" "compels" "dissemination" "lures" make for much more engaging reading.

9/10 Pts.

*Cool*: An evil wizard using Godzilla as an excuse to subvert a king into funneling noble sacrifices to fuel his eternal life opposed by the Cult of Zilla trying to use his sacrifices to awaken their God(zilla). And the PCs in the middle trying to figure it out. Pretty damn cool.
  9/10 Pts.

*Playability*: As a GM, I move from one bullet list to another. Pick a hook(s) that work, jump to events in the city and stumble the PCs into half of them while ticking off the other half, then figure out which path the PCs end up on depending on where their investigative efforts take them.

  The biggest drawback apparent to me is the question of what exactly do the PCs investigate? Who do they talk to? What sort of information will they glean? They can learn of the curse, the missing girls, that the nobles are unhappy with the King, the list of events seems to only be witnessed by the PCs, their actions seeming someone irrelevant. If I were to run this as-is right now, I'm not sure exactly how to run the party's investigations aside from having them repeatedly walk into events as they happen. What the PCs actually investigate is irrelevant, what is important is that I steer them from one "scripted event" to another and hope they piece things together from what they find.

  After the investigation, things are spelled out much more clearly.

  One addition that might have made the later sections easier to navigate would be putting key words in each bullet point in italics or bold just to help the eye catch them faster. "*If there is a cultist aboard Umbra and it departs without the PCs*, the cultist..." "*If Umbra departs with no PCs or cultists aboard*, the Behemoth is not..." etc. Minor quibble, but anything to shave a few seconds off "load times" while the GM finds the next section could be helpful.

  7/10 Pts.

*PC Relevance/Agency*: So what do the PCs do?

  Depending on their hook, they are drawn somewhere into the city with some task tying into the events stirring behind. the scenes. They start roaming around asking questions (this part that the PCs actually _do_ is not very detailed), in the process stumbling into a series of semi-related events in which they hopefully find their way to Odium's ship. I'm not sure how they get "sufficient investigation" however...

  After that, they either stop the ship, the cultist, or sneak aboard. Once aboard, a variety of things happen from Stella lashing out to fighting the Behemoth.

  The only weak point, as above, is the investigation as the climax of the adventure hinges on it being successful and I'm not sure exactly how they piece together the location and purpose of the Umbra without the GM just leading them to it. If they find it, it's not due to their actions (as far as I can figure it), but me leading them by the nose to the right places. Even guiding them on the list of events could easily fail to lead them to the ship, upon which the rest of the adventure depends (leading to the "failure" state of fighting the Behemoth).

  7/10 Pts.

*Choices*: The investigation is wide-open... so open that I'm not sure how it leads to the "correct" result. All I know is somehow they must find their way to the ship. Once there, the rest is _highly_ dependent on what they do, so their choices and actions have incredible relevance.

  Again, the weakness lies in the investigation, after that, the adventure is well-thought, well-paced, and laced with interesting outcomes.

  8/10 Pts.

*Rules*: On time. Word count good. 10/10 Pts.

*Ingredients*

*Ancient Curse*: Odium's curse on the city which is part truth, part misdirection, and enforced only with direct action on Odium's part. I guess there's a trope of finding out the "passive" curse is actually a result of someone's secretive meddling, but as it stands I don't know if the curse stands on its own. I suppose you could say Odium is the curse in that case...

  4/5 pts.

*Moonlight Serenade*: How Odium seduces the young women. Serenade in that it is out-of-doors enticement through song, moonlight because it is at night and Odium is so odious that even his magics can't make him attractive in full light.

  5/5 pts.

*Hate Story*: Odium does hate the king, but it seems to be as much or more a revenge story, especially since Odium's emotional state is never mentioned. Hatred implies an emotional bent but I get more cold, reasoned action on Odium's part.

  3/5 pts.

*Sanctioned Kidnappings*: The king's hired kidnappings of the noble women. These are not only sanctioned by the king, but arranged by him. I guess since he doesn't go into specifics as to who to take and how, it works as the "approved by authority", but these feels a bit direct for what I generally think of as sanctioning vs directing.  

  4/5 pts.

*Dirty Laundry*: The dress of stars needed (potentially) to mend the Sail of Stars. The reason Stella(the unstable cargo) was brought on board. If she hadn't been wearing it, she wouldn't have been taken, but since there's no intrinsic need that she be taken at all, this isn't as strong as it could be even though it _might_ be a hook and may somehow help them find the ship (?). It may be needed to mend the sail – which is pretty neat by the way – but there's a strong possibility the sail is never torn in the first place.

  3/5 pts.

*Awakened Behemoth*: An actual behemoth submerged asleep beneath the sea. Its awakening is the "fail" scenario (enabling a further fail state of "it TPK'd us"). Essential and cool.

  5/5 pts.

*Unstable Cargo*: Stella, the washer woman. Unfortunately, we don't have a reason for why she's so pissed off. She could equally have been terrified or apathetic or panicking. She does have the Dirty Laundry, tying the two together well, but in for all but the almost-worse-case-scenario, she needn't be on board at all.

  3/5 pts.

*Sail of Stars*: The sail that propels the ship. It is needed to get across the beclamed sea (created by the Behemoth) and ties together well with the dirty laundry. It could be a Towing Porpoise or a Sail of Fire or something else instead, however.

  4/5 pts.

*Ingredient Weave*: 

  Sentence:

  The party enters a city wherein an Ancient Curse has caused a Hate Story involving Sanctioned Kidnappings taken by Midnight Serenade, including one whose wearing of Dirty Laundry may eventually make her give it up to fix the Sail of Stars while she is Unstable Cargo to be sacrificed to the Awakened Behemoth.

  A bit of a stretch for a bit showing the weakness of the Dirty Laundry/Sail of Stars/Unstable Cargo triad.

  Let's try replacements:  

  The party enters a city wherein an Ancient Curse has caused a Revenge Story involving Arranged Kidnappings taken by Midnight Serenade, including one whose wearing of Solar Doublet may eventually make her give it up to fix the Sail of Fire while she is Suddenly Berserk to be sacrificed to the Awakened Behemoth.

  Pretty solid overall.

  3/5 Pts.

*Summary*

  The lack of clarity of how the investigation would go and how it might lead to the climax is the weak link in the otherwise excellent chain of events that make up this adventure. Aside from that, the adventure has great mood, generally strong and well-used ingredients, a cool story, a fun clash between two opposing evils – all-in-all the sort of thing that shows Rune's extensive IronDM pedigree.

*Total*: 84/105 Pts.[/sblock]

  [sblock=Conclusion]I had no idea adding up Rune's score who was going to win and boy is that close. 1 point out of 105. Both were excellent adventures with a few slight drawbacks.  

  The Hulk's layout was bland and unhelpful, the writing was largely passive, and – if I read it correctly – the ship was completely linear.

  With Strange Aeons had the opposite structural issue – the end game was excellent, but I'm not sure how you get there due to lack of explanation of how the player's investigation leads them to the ship.

  Both had creative and well used ingredients with a few weaker elements, though no complete failures.

  I think I agree with what my points tell me: it was extremely close on ingredients – with an edge to The Hulk – and both were fantastic adventures. Rune's writing was superior, which is not to say Deuce's was bad, it didn't detract from the adventure while Rune's added to his. Sad-to-say, if Deuce Traveler's layout looked like he cared at all about it at all, that alone would likely have gotten him the couple extra points he needed to clinch it.

  [MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION], I was so excited to see a scifi entry and would love to see how it plays out at the table. It could easily have gone either way (and if the other judges disagree with me, it will!)


  [MENTION=67]Rune[/MENTION] takes the tournament in my judgment, we'll see if my fellow judges agree.[/sblock]


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## Deuce Traveler (Oct 20, 2016)

Wow... this thread has an ancient curse.


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## Lwaxy (Oct 21, 2016)

I'm out with the flu (not just a cold). Very sorry. Can hardly sit up.


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## Wicht (Oct 24, 2016)

We come to the last round, and two good entries, Deuce Traveler’s* “The Hulk,”* going up against Rune’s *“With Strange Aeons…” *

I will be sticking with my point system of scoring, grading on Rules, Ingredient Use, Usability, and Style. 

As far as Rules, both entries were on time and under the word count. So we’re good there, and both get the full points. 

So let’s look at the ingredients.

Beginning with ancient curse, Rune jumps into an early minor lead. While both entries do have a curse, I don’t really consider a hundred years ago all that ancient. I do have some difficulty with Rune’s idea that the city has been simmering in rebellion for such a lengthy period of time as is implied, but the sleeping behemoth entry does double duty as an additional curse and so makes up for this. 2 points to Aeons, 1 point to Hulk. 

Moving onto the ingredient, Moonlight Serenade, Deuce catches up a little. While Deuce Traveler’s serenade is not actually, technically, a serenade, it does play a pivotal part in the adventure. Whereas Rune uses it as background information that may or may not actually have any meaning to the PCs. So 1.5 to Hulk, and 1 to Aeons. 
In the ingredient Hate Story, we again see a stronger usage in Hulk, with the hatred of the village being a real palpable thing that the PCs will have to deal with. The usage in Aeons is a bit different; the story being told magically creates hatred. This hatred is going to fester into rebellion, though again, I am called to wonder why it would take so long, many generations, for the magic to actually create a rebellion, and why would the wizard want to create a rebellion, thus killing his golden goose of immortality. I know the background says he wants to fill the vacuum and rule himself, but it seems like such a slow and stupid way to go about it. Anyhow, I give Hulk 2 points for this ingredient, and 1.5 to Aeons. For those keeping track, that brings the two entries into a tie. 

The tie is maintained with sanctioned kidnappings. Though the ingredient is more background in Hulk, it is nevertheless background that is going to directly affect the PCs in a powerful way. Both get 2 points for the kidnappings.

With Dirty Laundry, Hulk moves ahead into the lead for the first time. The dirty laundry of Aeons is fairly weak sauce. A washerwoman takes some laundry she is supposed to be cleaning and puts it on. But there is no actual indication its all that dirty, indeed it shines like the stars. Hrm. The dirty laundry in Hulk is metaphorical but its pretty dirty and the PCs are going to get their hands full of it, so to speak. 2 points to Hulk, 1 to Aeons.

Hulk is going to maintain the lead with awakened behemoth. The behemoth of the ship awakens and the PCs must navigate it. The Behemoth in Aeons may or may not awaken depending on the actions of the PCs, and the PCs may or may not have to deal with it. 2 points to Hulk, 1.5 to Aeons. 
So what about Unstable Cargo? Again, I think Hulk’s use is stronger. The cargo in the ship is indeed unstable and the PCs must deal with it. The cargo on the boat, in the figure of the cultist is unhinged, and I guess mentally unstable, but its just a little weaker than it could have been. 2 to Hulk, another 1.5 to Aeons.

The final ingredient is sail of stars. In both cases, I think the use is good, though the sail in Hulk is again something the PCs may have more direct interaction with. But I’ll give both 2 points. 

As we head out of the Ingredients phase, Deuce’s Hulk has the lead. Let’s see if it can keep it. 

I am going to reverse my normal order and deal with style first. How well do I like each adventure’s style? This is a mixed bag here for me.  

With Hulk, I gotta admit I find the second half much more interesting than the first half. I understand the importance, story-wise, of the first half setting up the second half, but I suspect that groups which find the first part fascinating are going to not really appreciate the second part of the adventure, and those that are captivated by the exploration of the ship are going to find the interaction with the tribe’s men tedious. But the exploration of the ship hits a lot of good, solid notes with me, and I am going to give the whole of it 4 out of 6.

Rune’s Aeons, I also think has a problem with two parts not meshing well together, but whereas in Hulk it was two separate chapters, in Aeons it is two separate storylines that don’t necessarily complement one another. It’s a strange sort of thing with me – I like each individual piece of Rune’s Aeons, but the whole of it suffers. The beast at the bottom of the sea being real feels almost tacked on to a different, better story, and I think that the curse on the city loses some of its edge because of it. I almost wish that the wizard was working to awaken some behemoth through the sacrifice of the king by the rebellious city folk; some complicated ritual requiring regecide. As it is, I am going to give Aeons only 4 out of 6 also. In this case, I wish the author had left the peanut butter out of my chocolate, or had blended it better. 

And now we come to usability, and I left this to last because I think one is clearly better than the other and makes the winner clear to me. 

Rune’s Aeons suffers from the problem of too much backstory and not enough adventure. Its not bad, though parts are a bit convoluted, and I think I could make it work, but I would have to put some work into it to do so; changing up a few parts of the storyline, and adding in some more ways for the PCs to interact with the story.

Deuce’s Hulk, on the other hand, I could take and run with it. In fact, reading it, if I ran Traveler games, I would be wanting to run with it, and I can see adapting the general story-line to any number of systems and getting a good result. I do think that the weakness is felt in the heavy social requirements of the first half not gelling with the suspense of the second, and I would definitely make the first chapter short and sweet, but the first chapter serves a solid setup to that second chapter and helps make the pay-off richer, so I can live with the clunky meshing of the two halves. 

For usability, I am going to give Rune’s 4 out of 6, but Deuce gets a solid 6 out of 6 and retains his lead in the points, and has my nod for this contest. 


*Rune’s “With Strange Aeons…”*
*]Rules:* 6/6
*Ingredient Use:* 12.5/16
*Style:* 4/6
*Usability:* 4/6
*Total 26.5/34*

*Deuce Traveler’s “The Hulk.”*
*Rules:* 6/6
*Ingredient Use:* 14.5/16
*Style:* 4/6
*Usability:* 6/6
*Total: 30.5/34*


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## Lwaxy (Oct 28, 2016)

So,read it all, started typing and now find myself lightheaded again. Need to shift it one more day, otherwise the conclusion would be without much explanation.


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## Lwaxy (Oct 28, 2016)

Not as detailed as I'd have liked, but my head has some orc misusing it as war drums. *

Rules*

Both well within, no advantage. 

*Use of Ingredients*

*Ancient Curse*

_The Hulk_ has a mother's loss and a murdered girl's fury, while _With Strange Aeons_  has a spurned necromancer's curse. In both cases, the incident is only a  century old, so not quite that ancient in either case. Other than that,  it was well implemented. No advantage. 

*Moonlight Serenade*

A psychic ritual in _The Hulk_, while the serenade in _With Strange Aeons_  is a real serenade to lure the girls out at night. The latter feels a  bit forced just to have it included and it makes me wonder why no one  else made a connection from the disappearance of the girls to a nightly  romeo singing in the streets. Not like only the target could hear the  music. So I'm going with the ritual here, despite it not being a  serenade, technically. Advantage _The Hulk_. 

*Hate Story*

So the people in the city of _With Strange Aeons_  have this problem with disappearing noble girls since a hundred years,  and only now they begin to revolt? Wouldn't nobles faced with this  problem either bring their daughters to other holdings far from the  city, post a constant watch with the girls and get rid of the king as  soon as they could? It also seems more of a fear or revenge thing, not  hate, as everyone is aware of the curse and the only thing they could  hate the king for is for him not to name a new king and leave. 

_The Hulk_  on the other hand has a tribe stuck with hate for something that's  happened long ago, yet it makes sense as in a psionic society, such  things likely make a much bigger imprint. Advantage _The Hulk_

*Sanctioned Kidnappings*

A sanctioned kidnapping,  to me,is where the government or an organization turns a blind eye or is  clearly in favor without being involved. But here we have two cases  where the government and the corporation are directly behind it. No  advantage. 

*Dirty Laundry*

_The Hulk _refers to the  obvious, with the kidnappings and experiments being the figurative dirty  laundry.  Not much of a twist, we could see that coming from the  beginning._ With Strange Aeons _on the other hand refers to  actual dirty laundry. I really liked that. It was relevant enough to the  plot, too, with the bad guy mistaking the laundry girl for her  employer. Advantage _With Strange Aeons._

*Awakened Behemoth*

_With Strange Aeons_ has the standard Cthulhuesque beast at the bottom of the sea, which might, or might not, awaken. _The Hulk_  on the other hand has a psionic problem which, come to think of it,  never really slept all this time, at least not constantly. Yet, it is at  least definitely awake, which isn't the case in _With Strange Aeons_. Advantage _The Hulk_. 

*Unstable Cargo*

I liked both the psionic creation  and the mentally unwell girls in the boat for originality, however,  considering the coolness of the psionic effect it's a clear call.  Advantage _The Hulk._ 

*Sail of Stars*
Standard solar sail for The Hulk. The sail from the boat in _With Strange Aeons_ is way cooler. _Advantage With Strange Aeons_. 
​
*Readability*

The  Hulk comes over half finished in editing. It is difficult to quickly  find references as there is a lack of headers etc. It works because it  is not that long a text, but still. With Strange Aeons is very clearly  structured and it is not hard at all to know what's where and find it  immediately. Advantage_ With Strange Aeons. _

*Use in gameplay*

_The Hulk_  depends on the players finding out a few things in the first part of  the adventure without which they would have a really hard time in the  second part. The GM can easily arrange for it to happen, though, if just  by having the group rescue a native to befriend. Also, if they are  worth their salt, they have done preliminary research and probably  already know that another ship from Revori went missing a 100 years ago.  

In the ship itself, there are a few half explained issues, like  what exactly happened on the bridge? The GM will have an easy enough  time to connect all that went wrong with psionic attacks, yet such  things make the adventure appear a bit unfinished. This could also use a  map, which was of course not within the scope of this contest. The ship  layout is, however, described well enough to create a simple map - or  just take another one and ignore the layout provided altogether if you  work with maps. 

The geonee scavenger is but an afterthought, I  had hoped after the race claiming to be the Ancients was mentioned,  there would be a bit more relevance, but in the end it was just one of  several scavengers. 

Flower power (hehe) disturbing the ship  really gives a lot of opportunities, not only to quell her anger (as the  group would definitely have recordings of the moonlight ritual) but to  bring her and the mother peace - and what about all the other children?  They aren't mentioned anymore, as they were weaker than Flower, but one  should think their spirits, too, would run along with Flower to cause  mayhem, or at least be there somewhere lost and confused, probably  projecting their fear onto the crew. In my game, I'd definitely rule  that the only way to really free the ship of the haunts was to pacify  all the lost souls. 

_With Strange Aeons _has a lot of  background information players may never find out about. I mentioned  somewhere before that this is a pet peeve of mine. Either give them  plenty of option to figure out the details - not just the basic story of  the curse - or reduce background to the absolute must for the GM to  fill in as needed. 

The plot itself is slightly confusing. Why  are the PCs doing what, again? Depending on the lead used it could go  any which way, which makes this a bit of a sandbox, which is cool  enough. However, as timing seems important, it will, with most groups,  not be that easy to steer them towards the harbor in time - or you have  the opposite effect and there are too many opportunities and the PCs  don't find the road at all. The adventure seems like 2 stories entangled  somehow, and it doesn't fit all that well. There is the beast at the  bottom of the sea, which might never even appear, and then there is the  bad guy killing noble girls to prolong his life, and the only reason why  he needs nobles is that their blood has more vitality (which I don't  find convincing). With less backstory and more adventure, this could  have been a lot better. 

Advantage_ The Hulk_

*Would my players have fun with it?*

Definite YES to _The Hulk_.  It's just the kind of research and recovery which makes the right mix  for the people I GM for. With Strange Aeons, I am pretty sure I would  have to rewrite it into half an adventure path to make it playable for  them (and to be sure the beast appears). 

Advantage _The Hulk_

So with a clear lead, _The Hulk_ is the winner for me.


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## Wicht (Oct 28, 2016)

Congratulations to [MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION]. Looks like you held on to your title!

And good job to everyone else involved.

I would also like to thank my fellow judges for their work; and kudos to [MENTION=53286]Lwaxy[/MENTION] for slugging through what sounds like a nasty bug to help us bring this across the finished line.

Onlooker's feel free to pontificate on the contest, congratulate the participants, and give experience points all around.


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## Iron Sky (Oct 29, 2016)

Congrats Deuce! I'm not surprised as I enjoyed both final entries.

It was great getting a chance to judge, I learned a lot about both critiquing and how to write and structure adventures. Looking forward to applying what I learned next year!


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## LongGoneWriter (Oct 29, 2016)

Congrats to DT! Enjoy the break; next year I won't let something so trivial as the word count take me out. I'm coming for that title, big man.


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## Deuce Traveler (Oct 29, 2016)

Thanks a lot for the congratulations, folks.  I'm looking forward to getting beaten by one of you guys in 2017.  I barely squeaked by this year.


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## Imhotepthewise (Oct 29, 2016)

Congrats [MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION]. To quote The Governator, "l'll be back!"


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## Rune (Nov 2, 2016)

Congratulations,  [MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION]! You put up a superlative entry, there.


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## Deuce Traveler (Nov 3, 2016)

Thanks, Rune!  I plan to do a write-up next week, but I'm a bit swamped at work until Sunday.  Thanks to everyone for their time, both those that had the courage to write and compete, and to those that took time from issues at home to judge.


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