# I need bad D&D jokes!  (my players stay out)



## Piratecat

Hey! If you're in my game, go somewhere else! Shoo!





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Okay. I have a dwarven jester NPC, and I'm desperately looking for in-game jokes. You know, things like....

Q: How do you get a chord from half-orc bards?
A: Ask three of them to play the same note.

or

Q: Why do dwarven bards sound better by candlelight?
A: You can shove the wax in your ears.


... and the like.  Can you help? The jokes don't have to be funny, but it would be great if they weren't too anachronistic. Meta-jokes are good, too... things like this:

A female zombie walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. After a minute, a really drunk bar patron comes over to her, leers, and says, "Dang, you're ugly, but I'll still sleep wi' ye!"

The zombie shrugs and says, "Sorry, but I'm immune to critical hits."

Thanks!


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## Dagger75

Q:  Where are you when Vrock pushes you against a wall??

 A:  A Vrock and a hard place


 Thank you, I'm here till Thursday


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## Xarlen

What do you call a mage duel?

A spelling B.


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## WayneLigon

Well, I assume all 'rock' puns are off limits, so....

An elf, a human, a halfling and an orc are walking along the city streets. They come to the elvish section of town and the elf exclaims 'Now here you have a fine example of neo-Third Age architecture!'. The orc shakes his head and the four walk on. When they come to the human part of town, the human says 'Ah, but we have built in the finiest neo-Classical style'. Again, the orc shakes his head and they all walk on. Approaching the Orc part of town, they pass by a large hovel which promptly grows tentacles, snags the elf and human, and devours them. As they run awaym the halfling looks at the orc. "What kind of architecture is THAT?!"

The orc looks at the halfling. "Neo-otyugh."


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## DrSkull

How many Gnomes does it take to light a candle?
      A.  Only one, but it only "appears" to be lit

How many Halflings does it take to light a candle?
     A.  You mean you'd trust a halfling with your candle?

How many Elves does it take to light a candle?
     A.  Three: one to sing, one to dance, one to summon the spiritual guardian of joyous flame forth into the realm material.

How many Dwarves does it take to light a candle?
    A.  Three, one to count the money, one to light the candle and one to check for sliding stone panels.

How many Half-elves does it take to light a candle?
   A. Surprisingly only 1, it turns out that half-elves are good for something after all.

How many trolls does it take to light a candle?
  A. only one, but he's very, very careful


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## Rune

WayneLigon said:
			
		

> *Well, I assume all 'rock' puns are off limits, so....
> 
> An elf, a human, a halfling and an orc are walking along the city streets. They come to the elvish section of town and the elf exclaims 'Now here you have a fine example of neo-Third Age architecture!'. The orc shakes his head and the four walk on. When they come to the human part of town, the human says 'Ah, but we have built in the finiest neo-Classical style'. Again, the orc shakes his head and they all walk on. Approaching the Orc part of town, they pass by a large hovel which promptly grows tentacles, snags the elf and human, and devours them. As they run awaym the halfling looks at the orc. "What kind of architecture is THAT?!"
> 
> The orc looks at the halfling. "Neo-otyugh." *




Simply beautiful!


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## Kilmore

What sound does a dwarven god make falling down the stairs?

CLANGEDIN clangedin CLANGEDIN clangedin CLANGEDIN clangedin CLANGEDIN clangedin


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## BiggusGeekus

An FR joke:


Q: What do you call a good looking woman on the Dragon Coast?
A: A tourist.


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## Teflon Billy

What did the Judge say to the Halfling Rogue?

_"Will the defendant please rise..."_


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## Citizen Mane

The first might be a trifle long, and the last one's pretty terrible, but here are three:
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Two dwarves, Cearmac and Vezzin, are travelling across the Great Sea in a rather large ship.  Although initially apprehensive at first, they settle down as the first two weeks of the voyage are pretty uneventful.  Then the third week comes, and, bang, pirate attack.  Somehow the dwarves manage to get into one of the life boats.

So the two dwarves are floating along, and they notice a crate from one of the ship's holds next to their little boat.  They manage to pull it aboard, and using a dagger, crack it open.  Inside is a small lamp.  On a lark, Ceamac pulls it out and rubs it.

Poof.  A Djinni appears and gratefully tells Cearmac that for freeing him, he will now grant him one wish.

Cearmac thinks for a moment, and then says "I wish the sea were full of fine dwarvish ale."

The Djinni bows, and the wish is granted.  Overjoyed, Cearmac starts scooping the ale up from over the side of the boat and guzzling it out of his helm.  After a bit he notcies that Vezzin isn't drinking any.

"Say, Vezzin, what's the problem?"

"Cearmac, you bloody fool, now we have to pee in the boat."
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A Cleric of Pelor somehow gets separated from his party deep inside a cave.  Turning around a dark corner, he bumps into a fairly good sized black dragon.  Frightened out of his wits, he drops to his knees and starts praying to Pelor.  Oddly, the dragon does the same.  The cleric leaps up, dancing, shouting "I'm saved!"  The dragon cocks his head and says, "No, you don't understand...I'm saying 'Grace.'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Myconid walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here."

The myconid says, "Why not?  I'm a fun guy!"
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best,
tKL


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## CRGreathouse

DrSkull said:
			
		

> *How many Half-elves does it take to light a candle?
> A. Surprisingly only 1, it turns out that half-elves are good for something after all.*


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## Citizen Mane

Here's another...
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What's the difference between a half-orc bard walking through a city and a flumph walking through a city?

The flumph is heading to a gig.
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Best,
tKL


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## XCorvis

Go find the D&D pickup lines thread - that had me rolling on the floor...


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## Kilmore

A dwarf and an elf step into a restaraunt and sit at the table.  The waitress asks if she could take their order.

The Dwarf says.  "I'll take a 24oz steak.  Rare.  With a bottle of Dragonfire."

The Waitress responds, "And what about the vegetable?"

The Dwarf looks at the elf and growls, "He'll take the steak too, and HE'LL LIKE IT!"

*********************************

How do you get two (Planescape) Bleakers out of a tree?  Cut the ropes.

*********************************


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## BiggusGeekus

Carmon was on his deathbed, the old Dragonlance warrior was slipping away and about to shed his mortal coil.  Beside him, his wife Tika was there.

"Tika?" Caramon beckond.

"Yes dear?" she replied.

"You have been with me through all the decades.  We were atacked by draconians together.  You supported me when my brother tried to ascend into evil godhood.  You stood by my side when our son passed away.  And I've just realized something."

"What is that my beloved?"

"I think you are bad luck."


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## Dagger75

A half-Orc walks into a bar, the bar tender says "We don't serve your kind here!"  
  The half orc responds "Thats good, I just wanted the mutton."


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## orbitalfreak

Q: What's nine feet long, has six legs, and flies?
A: Three dead halflings!

Q: Why don't halflings plan for the future?
A: They're _short_sighted!


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## Piratecat

I love you guys.  

Keep 'em coming!


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## Xarlen

Three orcs walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.


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## EOL

What do you get when you cross a half-orc and a pig?

Nothing, there's just some things you can't get a pig to do.


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## DM with a vengence

"A group of heroes is drinking in a tavern when a man in a black hooded robes comes up to them and offers a dangerous quest..."

"What's the difference between a cowardly, sniveling goblin and a heroic elf using deadly hit and run tactics?  About 3 feet."

"What's the differences between a madman who lives in caves covered in bat poop and a mighty wizard.  A small amount of sulphur."


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## drnuncheon

A friend of mine played a drow cavalier, and one of his favorite pastimes was making "dead elf" jokes, which were retellings of the "dead baby" jokes that were popular at the time.  Let me see if I can remember any of them.

*What's the best way to unload a cart full of dead elves?*
With a pitchfork!

*How do you tell if any of them are still alive?*
(mime sticking a pitchfork and tossing something over your shoulder) Dead elf.
(repeat) Dead elf.
(repeat, but this time shake the pitchfork) Live elf!

You can of course get similar results by substituting a D&D race for blondes in one of the interminable lists of blonde jokes...


Phil Foglio had a piece on jesters in What's New that you might be able to raid - but your players will probably spot it if they're familiar with the comic.  Still:

"You know, zombies can track you down like a bloodhound, even though they have no nose!"
(wait for: no nose? how do they smell?)
"Awful!"

There's a few others in there, I could pull it out if you need 'em.


If you wanted a running gag, he could have a joke that he is never able to finish because he is always interrupted.  Something like:  "So a half-orc, a paladin, and a dire boar walk into a gazebo..."

Another running gag could be to use the dwarf (assuming multiple appearances) as a sort of Pratchettian 'history of comedy'. Each time he appears he's in the style of a different comedian as he 'tries out' some new things. That might be too anachronistic for you though.

J


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## Shadowdancer

(said to a short woman) "My dear, you certainly are short. Do you have any dwarf in you? No? Would you like some dwarf in you?"
 ___________

A bard who specializes in ventrioloquism is performing in a tavern, doing several jokes about how dumb half-orcs are.

A very large, very mean-looking half-orc in the back of the room stands up and growls, "I'm sick of everyone making fun of half-orcs and saying we're stupid."

The bard begins to apologize for offending the half-orc.

The half-orc says, "Sir, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the little smart-ass sitting in your lap."


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## DWARF

A Human, a Dwarf, an Orc and an Elf each reached the mouth to the cave of an ancient red dragon.  This dragon had been ravaging the country-side of each race's kingdom and they were each sent to slay it.

The Human drew his sword and charged headlong in screaming, "I do this for my kingdom!" where he's swiftly swallowed whole.

The Orc brandished his axe and charged headlong in yelling, "For my bretheren!" where he's swiftly swallowed whole.

The Dwarf then pulls a jar full of Black Lotus extract from his backpack, jams it in the elf's belt and pushes him into the cave screaming, "I do this for my kingdom!!!"

-----------------------------------------------------------
An ugly man walks into the cleric's office and says: "Father I hurt all over."

And the doctor says, "That's impossible .

"No really!" he said, "Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch!
It hurts.
When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts.
When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts.
When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts", he replies.

The cleric just shakes his head and says, "You're a half-orc aren't you?"

The man smiles and says "Yeah.  But how do you know?"

The cleric replies, "Because, your finger is broken."


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## Eraslin

Kilmore said:
			
		

> *A dwarf and an elf step into a restaraunt and sit at the table.  The waitress asks if she could take their order.
> 
> The Dwarf says.  "I'll take a 24oz steak.  Rare.  With a bottle of Dragonfire."
> 
> The Waitress responds, "And what about the vegetable?"
> 
> The Dwarf looks at the elf and growls, "He'll take the steak too, and HE'LL LIKE IT!"
> 
> *




<wipes tears from eyes>
 I like this one!

-Eraslin


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## Mouseferatu

Q:  Why can't a fallen paladin walk straight?

A:  He's out of alignment.

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Q:  What's the brown stuff between dragons' toes?

A:  Slow halflings.

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Q:  What do Gruumsh, Odin, and Vecna have in common?

A:  They're all gods!!    

(If you don't get this one, ask, and I'll explain.  But I think most of you should.)

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Q:  Why do liches and vampires tend to speak in riddles?

A:  They're CRYPTic.

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More later, if nobody stops me.


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## William Ronald

Here's one;  (Change the names to fit your campaign setting.)

"A ship crashes against a shore.  One half of the shore is controlled by Furyondy, and the other half is controlled by Iuz.  Where does Iuz bury the survivors?"

Wait for "Silly, you don't bury survivors."

"You don't know Iuz well, do you?"

Here's another one:

"Did you hear that the Library in Mulmaster burned down and all the books were destroyed.?"

"No!"

"A great pity.  The mayor was just learning to color inside the lines?"


"What is the difference between an outdoor insane asylum and Ravens Bluff? The inmates aren't running the asylum."

Four clerics are having a discussion on how much of tithes goes to their temples and how much for their personal support.

A cleric of Tyr says, "My faith has strict guidelines.  Only after all temple expenses are meet, can I draw a stipend for myself."

A cleric of Mystra says,  "I use my best judgement, based on the current situation.   Fortunately, I can create food and water for myself."

A cleric of Tymora says  "I stand inside a small and toss all our coins high into the air.  Any that stay inside the circle, I keep."

A cleric of Waukeen says,  "I do much the same thing.  Now when I throw the coins in the air, Waukeen keeps any that stay in the air...."

"Now suppose you were an absent minded wizard who did nothing all day.  And then suppose you were Elminster.  Ah, but I repeat myself."

"Are there any fighters in the room smarter than their swords."

"I am not saying its a bad neighborhood, but Lolth doesn't even go there."

A dragon's favorite recipe list.

Barbequed barbarian.
Fricaseed fighter
Sauteed sorceror
Roasted rogue
Marinated Mage
Cream of Cleric
Dash of Druid
Poached Paladin
Raw Ranger.

Roast SLOWLY....


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## tsadkiel

An Archmage with a drinking problem has a brilliant idea: he animates his shoes so that no matter how stinking drunk he gets, the shoes will always be able to lead him home.

And for a month or so, this works wonderfully.  But soon, he finds himself waking up in strange places - he begins drinking in Eversink and wake up in Gaunt, or the Underdark, or Sigil.  Finally he realizes that the shoes had gotten bored with just going back to his home every night, and had become adventurers.

This won't do at all.  He sells the shoes.  They come back.  He gives the shoes away.  They come back.   He opens a portal to Elemental Fire, and tosses the shoes in.  They don't come back.

Soon the archmage starts to feel guilty.  After all, he'd given the shoes life, and then casually destroyed them when they became inconvenient.  So he searches out all the greatest clerics on the face of the world, hoping for some way to ease his guilt.  Finally, a half-mad hermit tells him that he doesn't need to worry - the shoes entered the Seven Heavens immediately,a nd are enjoying eternal bliss.

Because it turns out, shoes have souls.


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## Ulrick

A group of players are sitting around a table waiting for their DM to get his notes together and start the game.

Travis, who plays a rogue, couldn't attend the last session because of a family event.  The DM's policy is to let another player run the absentee's character. Travis, doesn't know who nor does he care.  His gaming buds are a fairly trustworthy lot.

Travis: "So what happened last time?  Did my rogue get enough experience to finally gain a level?

Steve: "No, actually your character died."

Travis: "WHAT?"  

Nods of affirmation come from the other players.

Steve: "Yeah.  Sorry, but your character had an alignment change.  He suddenly went from being just plain neutral to chaotic evil.  He tried to kill and steal from the group.  My paladin had to kill him.

Travis: "No way."

Steve: "Yeah, the only good thing that came out of it was that my paladin got enough experience to gain a level."

Travis: "Wait, who ran my character?"

Steve: "I did."  


Ulrick


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## William Ronald

"Did  you here about the priests of the Dairy God?  Apparently, they have the power to _*churn*_ undead."

"I'm not saying his breath is bad, but even Tiamat doesn't want him to breath on her."

"I once knew a rogue who was so greedy that he picked his own pockets."

"I can tell jokes about any subject, except the King.  Of course, the King is not a subject."


"He's the only person I know with a permanent stinking cloud."


"Do you know what this is?  (Character places hands on top of someone's  head and wiggles fingers.)  It's an intellect devourer dying of hunger."


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## Avatar

"You walk into a room and see a single orc, and a pie......'


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## Eben

Sorry, I'm not used to telling jokes in English. Hope this comes over right.

A barbarian walks into a bar and orders 10 pints of ale. After he's finished those, he orders 9. Some time later he order 8. Later 7 more, then 6, then 5, then 4. 
By the time he has just ordered 3 pints, one of the other patrons steps up to him and asks: "why do you order your drinks like this?"
The barbarians answers: "Haven't you noticed: the less I drink, the more drunk I get!"


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## Dougal DeKree

*and then...*

...there is the really old gnomish joke.


"How do Umberhulks smell?"

"Awful!"


Ouch, stop hitting me!  

Dougal DeKree, retired gnomish Illusionist


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## Kugar

from the Necromancer Joke Thread .



> A guy wearing black robes and reaking of the grave walks into the tavern. Strangely the man is being strangled by a severed hand.
> 
> The bartender mumbles "We don't serve no death mages here..."
> 
> The guy in the robes gasps and mangages to wisper, "One drink..."
> 
> The bartender looks at the poor guy shakes his head and says "Ok, one. What will you have"
> 
> The customer says "Make it a stiff one" As he says stiff the hand seems to squeeze harder.
> 
> The bartender puts out a Mug of Ale. "Its pretty strong, made it myself". The guy in robes gasps "Stiffer!".
> 
> The barkeep puts out a Elven Wine. "Stiffer!" The guy in robes is starting to pass out.
> 
> The barkeep quickly runs to the cellar and gets a flask of dwarven whiskey. When he runs up the guy in the robes is on one knee.
> 
> The barkeep wants to honor this guys last request so he pours him a shot and hands it to the guy in robes. The necromancer pours it on the hand and it falls to the ground.
> 
> The mage regains his composure, throws some gold on the bar and leaves with the hand following behind him.
> 
> The bartender yells after him "That was amazing, what was that all about"
> 
> To which the necromancer says, "It takes a potent spirit to control the dead."


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## kkoie

An Orc, an Elf, a Human, a Kobold, and a Dwarf walk into an Inn. The Innkeeper looks up at them and says "What is this? A Joke?"

-

A beggar walks into a tavern and asks for a drink.  The bartender looks at the other patrons and grins evilly "Suuure I'll even give you a drink on the house.  You just have to do one thing first."

"Whats that?" said the beggar.

"See that spittoon over there?  If you take one sip from it, I'll give you a beer, on the house!"

So the beggar shuffles over to the spittoon picks it up, and proceeds to take a drink.  Much to the disgust and horror of the bartender and the other patrons, the beggar doesn't stop at a sip, *he downs the whole awful thing without stopping for a breath!*.  "Gods man, I said take a sip, not *drink the whole thing!*"

"I couldn't help it, it was all in one stream."

K Koie


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## Quartermoon

William Ronald said:
			
		

> *"Do you know what this is?  (Character places hands on top of someone's  head and wiggles fingers.)  It's an intellect devourer dying of hunger." *




LOL!  My favorite so far!


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## Khan the Warlord

Hey PC, any chance you could archive this thread when its ready?

This stuff is too hilarious to be buried!


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## Piratecat

You bet.  Here's one, courtesy of Takyris:

A druid likes to spend time as a fish, swimming around and enjoying the cool waters. One day, he's swimming, and he sees this bright shiny object. Intrigued, he tries to snap at it, but suddenly he finds himself hooked and pulled out of the water. Holding onto the line is a nymph who looks at the fish-shaped druid in surprise and says, "I thought you had Resist Nature's Lure!"


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## DungeonKeeperUK

A mage walks into his friendly Magic Shop "Magic R Us", items a plaenty stand on the signs while a foot tall pianist sits and plays tunes for the customers, on a sign at the front of the Counter are the words 
"Ring of Wishes 1gp"
The Mage quickly roots through his belt pouch and buys the item before the merchant realises his mistake..
Not wanting to waste any he dons the ring and yells..
"I wish for a bag that is always full of gold"
**POOF**
Sure enough he now holds a bag in his had, however upon opening the bag he finds it filled with a variety of fungi and mold
He grabs the merchant by his coller, shaking him says..
"Hey I asked for a bag full of gold, and all I get is a bag full of mold......"
"Yeah.. " says the merchant " .. and you think I wished for the 12 inch pianist...."


Apologies to Granma if she gets this one...


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## Forrester

Piratecat said:
			
		

> *You bet.  Here's one, courtesy of Takyris:
> 
> A druid likes to spend time as a fish, swimming around and enjoying the cool waters. One day, he's swimming, and he sees this bright shiny object. Intrigued, he tries to snap at it, but suddenly he finds himself hooked and pulled out of the water. Holding onto the line is a nymph who looks at the fish-shaped druid in surprise and says, "I thought you had Resist Nature's Lure!" *




You see, this just shows how unrealistic your campaign is, PC. Telling jokes like this, the dwarven jester should have been killed long, long, LONG ago!


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## Desdichado

Piratecat said:
			
		

> *A druid likes to spend time as a fish, swimming around and enjoying the cool waters. One day, he's swimming, and he sees this bright shiny object. Intrigued, he tries to snap at it, but suddenly he finds himself hooked and pulled out of the water. Holding onto the line is a nymph who looks at the fish-shaped druid in surprise and says, "I thought you had Resist Nature's Lure!" *



We had a running joke with the druid in my last campaign and her special ability Resist Nature's Call.  I'm not quite sure how to translate it, though...


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## Someone

"Hey, look at there Mr Velendo, SMASH THE HERETICS!!"

"Who? where?"

"Don´t you see? They´re Pink Floid!"


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## DungeonKeeperUK

*I apologise before I even start... *

Q : What did the Orc say when he lost his Axe? 
A : Where's my Axe? 
______________

Q : Whats Black, White and Red and has trouble turning in 5' corridors?
A : Drizzt with a spear through his head...
______________

Q : Whats got 2 legs and bleeds?
A : Half an Orc
______________

Q: Where do you find an Orc with no arms or legs? 
A: Right where you left him. 
______________

A human father has three little half-elven girls, and one of them comes up to him one day and asks, "Daddy, why am I named Rose?" to which the father replies, "Honey, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your forehead, so we named you Rose." 
The second daughter comes up to him afterward and asks, "Daddy, why am I named Lily?" to which he replies, "Sweetie, when you were a baby, a lily petal fell on your forehead, so we named you Lily." 
The third daughter comes up to him and says, "Gajfnkasjtgongodg" and the father replies, "Shut up, HillGiantRock!" 
______________

A half-orc is in a Merchants Store and buying a some bottles of beer, some iron rations for one, some fasionable underwear, and some Mold Spice (The scent of the moment). The woman at the counter says to him, "So you're single?" The half-orc startled, replies "I am. You could tell that because of what I was buying?" She responds, "No, I could tell that because you're damn ugly." 
______________

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to this beautiful amazon warrior, and tells her "I bet you 5gp I can touch your breast without touching your Chainmail Bikini." Intrigued, she accepts. He grabs her breast, says "I lose" and gives her 5gp.
______________

Q: What's worse than finding half a worm in an apple? 
A: Getting attacked by a half-fiend ancient undead red dragon 20th level rogue with a medusa template over it
______________

Q: Why did the Deep Wood Sniper fall out of the tree? 
A: Because he was dead. 
______________

A Baatezu took his pet Hell Hound, Cuddles, to the vet's. The vet picked him up, looked under him, looked at his teeth, looked at his stomach, looked down his mouth. 
"I'm going to have to put this dog down" 
"Oh no! Is it that serious?" says the Baatezu
"No, he's just very heavy".


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## HellHound

_A human father has three little half-elven girls, and one of them comes up to him one day and asks, "Daddy, why am I named Rose?" to which the father replies, "Honey, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your forehead, so we named you Rose." 
The second daughter comes up to him afterward and asks, "Daddy, why am I named Lily?" to which he replies, "Sweetie, when you were a baby, a lily petal fell on your forehead, so we named you Lily." 
The third daughter comes up to him and says, "Gajfnkasjtgongodg" and the father replies, "Shut up, HillGiantRock!" _

Of all the ones so far, this is the only one I cracked up REPEATEDLY trying to tell to my wife. Damn near urinated myself.


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## takyris

From another board... because the hurting must continue here.

A: "So a halfling walks into a bar..."

B: Musta been a low bar. Badum-PSH!

A: What's the difference between stomping on a gnome and stomping on grapes?

B: You take off your boots before you stomp on the grapes.

or

B: You don't always get a good result from stomping on the grapes.

A: What's the difference between a dead badger who's been run over by a wagon and a dead druid who's been run over by a wagon?

B: A skilled ranger might spot skid marks in front of the badger.

A: How do you get a chord from half-orc bards?

B: Ask three of them to play the same note.

A: Why did the half-orc have sex with the flind druid?

B: His chieftain told him to go climb on the grassy knoll.

- - - - -
A female zombie walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. After a minute, a really drunk bar patron comes over to her, leers, and says, "Dang, you're ugly, but I'll still sleep wi' ye!"

The zombie shrugs and says, "Sorry, but I'm immune to critical hits."

-Tacky


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## barsoomcore

*Thanks to Steven Brust*

How many half-orcs does it take to sharpen a sword?

Three: one to hold the sword and two to move the grindstone.

*********************

How many dwarves does it take to sharpen a sword?

Three: one to sharpen the sword and two to put up enough of a fight to make it worthwhile.

*********************

How many elves does it take to sharpen a sword?

Three: one to sharpen the sword and two to write a song about it so that when the first elf is done, four hundred years later, they'll remember whose sword it was.

*********************

How many halflings does it take to sharpen a sword?

Three: one to sharpen the sword and one to confuse the issue.


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## DungeonKeeperUK

*Someone stop me... please....*

The poor gamer wrote the word "initiative" on the window of his room with opaque ink. I would never be able to see the world through his i's.

Due to the many hickeys the wizard had given in his life, he had gained a reputation for being a necromancer.

What do you get when you cross a Hell Hound with a collie? A dog that runs for help ... after he bites your leg off.

The Diplomacy SKILL is the art of saying 'I understand your issues Orc Barbarian!' ... 'till you can find a big stick. 

What do you call a halfling fortune-teller who escaped from prison? ... A small medium at large

Two Orcs were eating a Court Jester. Said one to the other: "does this taste funny to you?" 

Does dragon milk come from cows with very short legs? 

A Roper shuffles into a bar. Bartender asks him, "Why the long face?" 

Does Studded Leather come from Biker Cows?

Hear about the Mystic Warrior from Mystic Eye Games , he refused to wear shoes so his feet became hard and tough,he went for long periods fasting and refused to eat meat, even when he wasn't fasting and both the fasting and his diet gave him extremely bad breath also he was of lean, slight build, especially in his later years? 
So he was a super callous fragile mystic plagued with halitosis. 

The survival rate in a fight with a Tanar'ri is abyssmal

A Sneak Attack is a Jab Well Done....

When the Orcs ate a Paladin they got a taste of religion

Seven days with no gameing... makes one weak....

The attack with the Frost Brand sword was successful, his foe was knocked out cold...

Levitation makes ghosts happy because it lifts the spirits. 

Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon. 

To learn the Rope Trick spell you have to be taut.


----------



## incognito

Some amusing ones:

An animated Rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The 1/2 Orc bartender says gruffly: "We don't serve Animated ropes in here - now get out!"

Dejected the rope leaves.  
5 rounds later, the rope returns wearing a bad disguise: one end has all the strands unraveled resembling a blonde wig, and the other end tied up in a bow.

The savvy Bartender is not fooled. Enraged he says: Hey! Are you that animated rope I kicked out of here just a few rounds ago?!

To which the rope smoothly replies: Nope, I'm a frayed knot...

>>>

A handsome Sorcerer walks into a small town bar with his familiar, an aligator.  He flops the aligator onto the bar and declares that he has a challenge for the towns bravest souls!  The rogues and fighers begin to twich nervously in thier chairs.

He says: If anyone in this bar has the fortiture to do this, I will give him my bag of holding with all the treasure contained therein.  

With that he smacks the aligator on the head with the butt of his shortspear sharply and the aligators mouth opens wide.  To the suprise of the audience, he then drops his adventuring trousers, and places his delicates INSIDE the aligators mouth!  He cracks the aligators head with the spear again and the jaws close slowly...and after a very pregnant pause, he gives his poor familiar another whack with the shortspear and takes his equipment out of the aligators mouth, pausing momentarily to display his unharmed package!

He stares around the room imperiously, looking for takers. Yet down to the burliest barbarian, the barroom falls silent.  "What?!  No one here brave enough?" inquires the the cajoling sorcerer...

Just then, a slight elven maiden in the back of the bar tentatively rises.  "I might be willing to try, Master...but could you not hit me on the head so hard with the shortspear?"


----------



## guedo79

One morning, an Elven ranger finds he has a Kobold stuck in one of his trees.  So he calls the Kobold removal service he heard about in town.  A Teifling shows up with a flumph, a ten-foot pole, and a crossbow.  

He tells the Elf, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke at the kobold till he falls out.  Then the flumph will naw on his sensitive parts."

The Elf says, "what's the Crossbow for?"

The Plane touched man replies, "If I fall out of the tree first, shoot the Flumph."


----------



## incognito

A few more shorties:

Q: Whats better than winning Oerth's 1/2 Orc Olympics?
A: Not having a 6 INT

Politically Correct:

A humanoid belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another humanoid belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms.  The first humanoid acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group.  The first humanoid took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!

OK, final Bar joke:

A skeleton walks into a bar and ask the Bartender: "Do you serve skeletons here?"
Times beign what they are the wily Bartender replies: "sure, we serve anyone."
The skeleton hadns the man a silver and says: "Fine, I'll  have a pitcher of beer...and a mop"

Duh da, DA!


----------



## guedo79

*one more*

A Halfling, a Gnome and a Dwarf walk into a bar.  They each order a  ale.  Just as they are about to enjoy their drinks, three flies drop into them.  The Halfling pushes the drink away in disgust.  The gnome pulled out the fly and finishs as if nothing happened.  The Dwarf picks up the fly and shakes it over the drink, yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"


----------



## rinesin

A FR one:

A Waterdavian man visits his friend in Cormyr.  While he's there he tells his friend:
"I've always had a fantasy.  I've always wanted to be with a Cormyrian woman."
His Cormyrian friend decides he going to have some fun at the expence of his friend and tells him:
"Hey, go out to the forest, we have plenty of woman out there, just waiting for a man like you."
The gullible Waterdavian goes for it and soon finds a lovely young lady in the forest.  He comes back overjoyed:
"She was there just like you said!  It was great!  Wow!  Cormyr!  You have women just lying there in the woods!  Why didn't I come here sooner?!"
Now the Cormyrian is very confused by this, and decides he has to see this for himself.  So he tells his friend:
"Hey, if it was that great, why don't you do it again before you leave?"
The man from Waterdeep happily agrees and sets out.  The Cormyrian follows.  Soon he sees his friend with the woman in the forest, having a great time.  He suddenly runs out from the tree he was hiding behind and yells at the Waterdavian:
"What are you doing?!?!"
"What?"
"She's dead!"
The Waterdavian man looks down at the woman, looks back up to his friend with a puzzled look on his face.

"Oh, I thought she was Sembian."

Rinesin


----------



## Heretic Apostate

*Re: Thanks to Steven Brust*



			
				barsoomcore said:
			
		

> *
> How many dwarves does it take to sharpen a sword?
> 
> Three: one to sharpen the sword and two to put up enough of a fight to make it worthwhile.
> 
> *********************
> 
> How many halflings does it take to sharpen a sword?
> 
> Three: one to sharpen the sword and one to confuse the issue. *




These two are stolen straight from the Vladimir Taltos series.  Brust, I think the author's name is. 

Only in the Taltos series, it's FOUR to put up enough of a fight to make it worthwhile.

The first refers to Dzurlords.  Dzurlords fight for glory.  (And the most touching part of the Four Musketeers-type novels was the part when Tazendra is talking with Sethra Lavode, and Sethra shows she understands Dzurlords, and why they fight.)

The second refers to Yendi, who are so convoluted it takes another Yendi to unravel a Yendi plot.  No-one else could do it.


----------



## barsoomcore

*Re: Re: Thanks to Steven Brust*



			
				Heretic Apostate said:
			
		

> *These two are stolen straight from the Vladimir Taltos series.  Brust, I think the author's name is.*




Er, yes. That's why my message is titled "With thanks to Steven Brust."

The third-greatest writer of fantasy in history. After JRR Tolkien and Steven Erikson, of course.


----------



## Heretic Apostate

A cockatrice (will the filter block that out?  if so, then "chicken") and an egg were lying in bed.  From the state of the bedding, it's obvious what they were up to.

The egg somehow--don't ask me, I don't know how--has a very peeved look on its shell.

The egg mutters, "I guess that answers that age-old question."


----------



## DungeonKeeperUK

HellHound said:
			
		

> *says, "Gajfnkasjtgongodg" and the father replies, "Shut up, HillGiantRock!"
> 
> Of all the ones so far, this is the only one I cracked up REPEATEDLY trying to tell to my wife. Damn near urinated myself. *




Hehehe, does it get in the next Portable Hole Full Of Beer ?


----------



## Heretic Apostate

Sorry, didn't see that. 

There are LOTS of amusing quotes from Brust, from the chapter headings.

I just wish I could remember all of them. 

Stuff like, "True heroism should be carefully planned---and strenuously avoided."


----------



## barsoomcore

Heretic Apostate said:
			
		

> *Sorry, didn't see that.
> 
> There are LOTS of amusing quotes from Brust, from the chapter headings.*




"No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife between the shoulder blades will seriously cramp his style."

"Always speak politely to an enraged Dragon."

Brust is a clever, clever man. Far too clever for this thread. Heh.

EDIT: fixed an incorrect quote.


----------



## Sir Hawkeye

Q: What's the difference between a Red Dragon and a giant furnace?
A: Adventurers don't throw themselves at furnaces.

Q: What does a Great Wyrm call a 20th-level monk?
A: Fast food.

Q: What's the difference between an insane asylum and a band of dragon hunters? 
A: Magic swords.

A wizard gets involved in a spell duel. He avoids all but one of his opponent's spells, a magic missile that hits him in the foot. Over the next few days, his foot just won't heal. It becomes swollen and sore. Finally, unable to bear the pain, he goes to the temple to get some healing. The cleric is about to heal him, when a passing druid shouts, "Wait! Don't cure that wizard!"
"Why?" ask the puzzled cleric and wizard. 
The druid replies, "I'm all out of magic missle-toe."


----------



## Knightfall

*Re: one more*



			
				guedo79 said:
			
		

> *A Halfling, a Gnome and a Dwarf walk into a bar.  They each order a  ale.  Just as they are about to enjoy their drinks, three flies drop into them.  The Halfling pushes the drink away in disgust.  The gnome pulled out the fly and finishs as if nothing happened.  The Dwarf picks up the fly and shakes it over the drink, yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!" *




Buzzz....

KEGGER, KEGGER!!  Buzzz...

Would you be Canadian?


----------



## guedo79

*Re: Re: one more*



			
				Knightfall1972 said:
			
		

> *
> 
> Buzzz....
> 
> KEGGER, KEGGER!!  Buzzz...
> 
> Would you be Canadian? *




Nope Live in upstate NY. very close, I'll give you that.

Do I type with an accent?


----------



## Ciarrai

*Inter-racial Marriage Joke*

Why should human men marry elven women. Because with any luck, he'll be dead before she turns into her mother.


----------



## William Ronald

Why do dragons like Drizzt Do Urdlen? Because Drizzt crackers would go so well with cheese.


What's worse than a barbarian who is a master of intimidation? One who just ate garlic.


----------



## Piratecat

Any more before I archive these beauties?


----------



## Rashak Mani

Bumping this one... send us some more jokes...


----------



## Akin Ringpeace

*oldies but goodies--Bard jokes*

Q: How can you tell when the stage an undead orchestra is playing on is level?
A: The lute player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Q: What is the difference between a ghoulish minstrel and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

Q: What is the difference between a ghoulish tenor and a flatulent warhorse?
A: The warhorse has a dynamic range.

Q: Why is the moutharp player a fiddle player's best friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.

Q: How can you tell the difference between all the Elven songs?
A: By their names.


----------



## qstor

PC and all I loved them!!! Keep them coming...I 2nd the call for them to be archived...


Mike


----------



## Christian

I knew a gnome who was killed with a sword that he had previously loaned to the assassin.

It was ironical ... and very sharp.


----------



## javapadawan

I recently wanted to get my player's Half-Orc PC involved in a bar fight, so I altered some old ethnic jokes for him to overhear coming from the table of dwarves...

How do you get a one-armed Half-Orc out of a tree?
Wave to him.

---

A Halfling, a Gnome, and a Half-Orc are running away from the city guard when they come to a forest, and they each decide to hide by climbing a tree. 

When the Guardsmen arrive, they go to the first tree where the Halfling is hiding and shout, "We know you're up there, come down!"
The Halfling, thinking fast, says, "Tweet, tweet, tweet!"

The Guardsmen, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the Gnome is hiding and once again shout, "We know you're up there, come down!"
The Gnome, thinking fast, says, "Whoo, whoo, whoo!"

The Guardsmen, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Half-Orc is hiding and once again shout, "We know you're up there, come down!"
The Half-Orc thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo, moo..."

---

A gnomish bard has an audience with the High Priest of the temple to Gruumsh and, not quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke.
"Have you heard the one about the two Half-Orc clerics?"
The High Priest replies, "I _am_ a Half-Orc."
The gnome pauses for a moment then says, "That's OK, I'll tell it to you slowly."

---

A Half-Orc is walking down the street, carrying a bag of holding. He runs into one of his friends who asks, "Hey, what do you have in that bag?" The Half-Orc tells his friend that he has some magic potions in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many potions you have in that bag, you'll have to give me one."

The Half-Orc says, "I'll tell you what. If you can tell me how many potions I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."


----------



## Greatwyrm

Zombies just can't dance.  They haven't got any soul.

-----

<<possible adult content ahead>>

Two guys are sitting at an inn.  They become good friends.  One finally says, "Take a look at this."  He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny piano and a man about a foot tall.  The little man sits down at the piano and begins to play requests.

The other man begs to know where he got the little man and the piano.  Finally, the first man relents.

"Out in the back alley, there is an old genie.  He's old, so he only gives you one wish."

"You mean you got one wish and this is what you asked for?!"

"Not at all.  Like I said, he's an old genie.  He doesn't hear so well.  Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"


----------



## Maudlin

Q: What do you say to an angry transmuter? 
A: Ribbit! 

Q: Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.

Q: What is the difference between Jozan the Cleric and Hennet the Sorcerer? 
A: The way they say ahhhh-men. 

Q: A Grey Render is telling his cub a bedtime story. The story goes "Once upon a Time. The End."
A: The puppy says "Daddy, why such a short tail?"

So the amnesiac druid was peeing in the woods. "I think it's all coming back to me", he said, and then the wind changed.

Q: What did the triton say when he hit a wall? 
A: Dam! 

Did you hear about the bards who robbed the music store? They were luters.

Q: What has 4 legs and an arm?
A: A happy hellhound.

And one with the anachronism expunged, which makes it funnier imho: 

Q: What do you get when you push a Galeb Duhr bard down a hill?
A: Music. I didn't get it either.


----------



## toberane

A human, and Elf, and a Dwarf are captured by a tribe of cannibalistic barbarians.  They bring the human out in front of the tribe, and the chief says to him, "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes.  Do you have a last request?"

The human replies, "Can I have my dagger?"  They give him his dagger and he cuts his own throat.

They bring out the elf and say the same thing, "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes.  Do you have a last request?"

The elf says, "Can I please have my dagger?"  So they bring him _his_ dagger and he, too, cuts his own throat.

They bring out the dwarf and say the same thing. "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes.  Do you have a last request?"

The dwarf says, "Yes, can you bring me a fork?"  Confused, the barbarians bring him a fork, which he immediately grabs and begins to stab himself repeatedly all over his torso, muttering, "To Heck with your canoes!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first mate on a ship runs to the captain, shouting, "Captain, Captain!  There's a pirate ship off the starboard bow!"

The captain calmly looks at the mate and says, "Bring me my red shirt."  The first mate brings him a red shirt and they fight their way to victory.

About a week later, the first mate again comes running to the captain.  "Captain!  There are two pirate ships off the port bow, approaching fast!"

Again, the captain simply replies, "Bring me my red shirt," and again they fight their way to victory.

That evening, the crew is celebrating, the first mate asks the captain, "Sir, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we are being attacked by pirates?"

The captain says, "It is for the crew's morale.  If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt will show no blood, and the crew will be assured that I am standing strong to lead the way to victory."  The first mate nods in understanding and walks away.

A couple of weeks later, the first mate again comes running up to the captain, out of breath and very frightened.  "Captain!  There are ten pirate ships approaching, and they are almost upon us, sir!"

The captain looks calmly at the first mate and shouts, "Bring me my brown pants!"


----------



## HellHound

DungeonKeeperUK said:
			
		

> *
> 
> Hehehe, does it get in the next Portable Hole Full Of Beer ? *




Hell Yeah! (If you want it to).

Heck, anyone here who would like their jokes added to the next Portable Hole Full of Beer (aka: Son of a Portable Hole - due for release next April 1st), just send me an email - blackhammer@dreadgazebo.com - and I'll add you to the list!


----------



## Uvenelei

The King, the high priest, and the master of the White Lotus monastery are arguing over who has the most faithful followers. To see who does, they devise a test: each man will take his most loyal follower and ask them to complete an obstacle course of sorts. The followers will jump down a waterfall into a lake filled with man-eating fish, swim to the shore, run through a forest filled with xenophobic elves to the back entrance to a dragon's lair, then finally run through the lair and back to the cliff where they started.

The next day, the three men have gathered their bravest followers. The King steps forward with his best knight and says, "If you complete this task, you shall have the hand of my daughter in marriage." The knight looks out over the course and shakes his head, saying, "Sorry sir, I cannot do it."

Next the priest steps forward with his noblest paladin and says, "Do this for the glory of our Lord." The paladin looks out over the course, and hangs his head in shame as he says "I cannot do it."

Next the master steps forward with one of his monks. He says simply, "Go", and the monk dives off the cliff. The rest of the men watch in awe as he reaches the shore, dashes through the forest deflecting arrows left and right, and finally emerges from the dragon's lair followed by a gout of flame. He trots up to the group, winded and slightly toasty but unharmed. The King and the high priest applaud the brave monk as he stands before his master.

"Very good, my pupil," the master says. "I will give you anything you wish."

The monk replies, "All I want to know is who pushed me."


----------



## William Ronald

Hellhound, include anything you like that I wrote in the next Portable Hole of Bear!

What is the most disliked giant? Easy, a gas giant!  (Bad astronomy pun, and a horrible idea for a monster.)

Why are treants not a threat? They are all bark and no bite!

What is a kuo toa's favorite drink? Sahua-gin.

"His lectures are boring.   I dozed off during the one about the sleep spell."

"Did you hear about the motto of the new Lasher and Master of Chains club? Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me?"  (I thought of that when I saw those two Prestige classes in Sword and First.)

"Quick:  What two words has a fighter in plate push a wizard into combat? Rust monster."

"I am not saying that the knight is a bit dense, but everyone calls him a pala_dim._"


----------



## Piratecat

What is the underdark's favorite brand of ice cream?  Sahaugin-Daz.


----------



## ladyofdragons

another converted ethnic/half-orc joke.  requires some interactive telling, but was one of my favorites as a child.

A group of clerics of Gruumpsh get together and decide to have a "half-orc of the year" award for their parishioners.  They get a likely candidate, and bring him into a back room of the temple for his test.

The only item in the room is a table with an axe on it.  The high priest points to the axe and says "What is that?".  The chosen half-orc says "It's an axe.", and all the gathered preists clap and sing "You're the half-orc of the year, da da da" (note: make up a melody or chant)

The next year rolls around, and another half-orc is chosen.  They bring him in to the back room of the temple for his test, and there is a longsword on the table.  The high priest points to the sword and says "What is that?".  The chosen half or says "It's a sword.", and all the gathered preists clap and sing "You're the half-orc of the year, da da da"

The next year rolls around, and another half-orc is chosen.  They bring him into the back room of the temple for his test, and there is a... a ummm... (at this point make hand waves and hints like "long wood thingy with the odd-shaped pointy bit..." and such, referencing a pole-arm.  when someone in the group mentions a pole-arm or any flavor of pole-arm such as a bec de corbin or mancatcher or such, clap and sing "You're the half-orc of the year, da da da")


----------



## GILGAMESH

So, this guy walks into a tavern and sits down at the bar. The tavern owner looks over and see that he has a BEHOLDER growing out of the top of his head. The tavern owner( not wanting to be inhospitable) walks up to the man and asks," So, buddy, how did this happen to you?" The BEHOLDER looks down at the tavern owner and says," I don't know, It started out as a pimple on my butt."......Hhhaaa...... hhaaaa....hhhhaaa....Get it , the man was the pimple, ........ get it.


----------



## Sinistar

Ahh, finally a Tick quote. Nothing better than the Tick!

For the dwarf jester, I think a bunch of human jokes would go over well as well. Plus it would get to the party more as they seem to be mostly human...  Use "little moron" jokes and replace it with human.

Why did the little human take a ladder to the wizard college? He wanted to go to High Magic School.

Why did the little human throw the chronograph out the window? He wanted to see time fly.

How many humans does it take to replace a door? two generations, the first to argue about which way the door should open and the second to hire a dwarf to fix it.  (maybe not...)


----------



## William Ronald

Here is one based on a joke that someone told me.

A man goes to a temple and brings his dog with him.  A new member says, "You can't bring your dog here."

The man replies,  "My dog Max is a member of this congregation," and helps the dog on with a holy symbol and religious vestments.

The high priest of the temple during the services asks Max to go up before the altar and do a reading of the text that they were studying last week.  The dog reads the text aloud in its original language and offers up an interpreptation of it based on the views of several prominent scholars.  The high priest smiles at Max and thanks him for his reading and lecture.

The new temple member looks at Max with awe, and whispers  "He should go to seminary."

The dog's owner turns to him and shrugs his shoulders?  "What can you do? He wants to be an archmage."


----------



## guedo79

*Half-orc*

To go with the Half-orc jokes:

it's like winning the gold at the Half-orc olympics... not matter what.. you're still a Half-orc


----------



## HellHound

Just one last little BUMP.

And one last request to the authors of these jokes: I would LOVE to include these in Portable Hole Full of Beer 2.


----------



## Grim

Why dont undead bards write music?

They can only de-compose.

(stolen from MavericWeirdo in this 

thread:http://enworld.cyberstreet.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=7949&perpage=40&pagenumber=3


----------



## Bob5th

Cleric: Darn! It's a dead end.
Acolyte: Can you resurrect it?


How many Cleric's does it take to fix a light bulb.
One to cast _Cure Light_ 

Why does the necromancer like to cook undead?
It's the other wight meat.


----------



## Fred Delles

*Two dumb ones.*

I was in the local troll butcher's shop the other day. Looking at a few choice selections, I asked him about a price discrepancy on various sentient brains. Apparently, human brains were 20 gp a pound, elf brains 15 gp per pound, and orc brains 300 gp per pound.

So, I told the troll butcher, "If human brains were 20 gp a pound and elf brains are 15 gp per pound then why are orc brains 300 gp per pound!?"

The troll laughs. "You know how many orcs I have to go through just to get a pound of brains!?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Lidda, Mialee, and Alhandra were out adventuring toward the Temple of Elemental Evil. But night broke, so they set up camp with a tent and sleeping bags. After a good meal and some wine, the three went to sleep.

Later, Mialee and Alhandra were outside, gazing out at the stars. Alhandra asks Mialee, "Mialee, look in the sky and tell me what you see."

"It is a clear night sky with many stars," Mialee replies.

"And what do you deduce from that?" Alhandra asks.

Mialee contemplates. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Krynn is near Tiamat.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that Corellon is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Alhandra?"

Alhandra slaps her face in disgust.

"Mialee, you IDIOT! Lidda stole our tent!"


----------



## Felix

A three-legged blink dog walks into a saloon. "I'm lookin fer the man who shot me pa."

**********

It was a quiet day in Barrowdale when two wandering friars of Obad-Hai walk into town. After a few days, they set up their flower shop on Main Street. They grow the best, most beautiful flowers ever seen this side of the Prime Material, and sell them for next to nothing. Within days all of Barrowdale's wives are buying flowers from the friars, and Pete Wilson, the local florist, realizes that he will soon go out of business.

Pete goes to talk to the friars and pleads with them to leave town. He says his children will starve, his sixth generation flower shop will close, his wife will leave him, and his dog will run away for good if the friars run him out of business. The friars bless him, but say that this is their duty in this life, and can't leave town.

The next day Pete timidly walks into the local ale house to find Hugh McMillian: the meanest, rottenest, hooten-tootenist muscle-for-hire in the land. Pete talks with him for a short time and leaves 20 gold pieces poorer.

The next day the friars of Obad-Hai go to their flower shop and find everything smashed, destroyed, and urinated upon. McMillian is standing in the middle of the wreck, walks up, grabs each friar by his collar, lifts them into the air, and says "If you two ain't gone by mid-afternoon, you two will be fertilizing these flowers back to health!" With that, he throws them accross the room, and strides out of the shop. Needless to say, the two friars leave Barrowdale without a moment lost.

The moral: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


----------



## AngelTears

These are more of groaners:

Why did the ghoul join the army?

He thought it was a smorgasborg.


What do you call the Ghost of mid-winter?

Christmas spirit.


How many dwarves does it take to change a lampwick?

43. One master lampwick maker, one Master lampwick placer, one Master lampwick lighter, and forty dwarfes to find the confounded thing in the dark. 

-Angel Tears


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## s/LaSH

For this one, you need a well-known prison in the area. I'll use Mount Blackthorn Prison.

"What's the biggest half-orc tribe in the land?"
"Mount Blackthorn Prison."

...

Did you hear about the elven mage who wanted to explore the Abyss?
- He disappeared with a poof.
(OK, that one's horrible. But a dwarf would love it. And if your dialect doesn't cover it, I'm NOT explaining it.)

...

How many tinker gnomes does it take to light a candle?
- Three. One to devise a method, one to devise a cure for the ensuing third-degree burns, and one to say, "Egads! My self-lighting candle is working! After twenty-seven years, I've done it!"

...

How many dragons does it take to light a candle?
- None. They don't light candles, they lie on them for nine hundred years.

...

How many adventurers does it take to light a candle?
- Four. One to haul out the tinder and flint, one to protest that magic would light it better, one to question whether a candle is even necessary in this dungeon, and one to say, "Um, I forgot to buy the candle, but I've got three dozen metal spikes, a lockpick, and a pole..."

...

Jozam and Tordek are defending a keep from a horde of goblins. Tordek fumbles his bow out, nocks an arrow (correctly the second time) and fires, but he doesn't hit anything.
"Erythnul! I missed!" he grouches.
"Don't use such profane language," cautions Jozam.
But Tordek nocks another arrow, and lets loose. Again, the arrow sails past anything that moves and thuds into a tree stump.
"Erythnul! I missed!" he grouches.
"I'm warning you, the Gods of Light will be angry if you continue in this vein," says Jozam.
But Tordek pulls another arrow from his battered quiver, pulls it back, and lets loose. The arrow bounces off a stone, rebounds from a goblin's shield, whistles back and neatly parts his hair; it's the worst shot either of them has ever seen.
"Erythnul! I missed!" curses the dwarf.
The skies open up! The terrible light of the sun is blotted out by a mighty hand, stretching forth, and a livid bolt of lightning smashes Jozam to atoms. And Pelor's voice is heard in the sky:
*"Erythnul! I missed!"*

...

What do dragons do when it's cold?
- Sit round a candle.
What do dragons do when it's really cold?
- Light the candle.
(_This was originally misers._)

...

These are all for public distribution. I didn't make the originals up anyway.


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## WayneLigon

Felix said:
			
		

> *The moral: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars. *




Sweet Baby Jesus, that was terrible. More! More!


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## Bonedagger

[I don't know how well this translate]

In a small community a farmer stumbles into his old friend, the dam-watcher. The friend looks worried. The farmer ask what is the matter.

Friend: "Lately we have had some raids against the dam. We discovered some half-orcs was behind it. They kept vandalising the dam. It was only a matter of time before the dam would fail."

Farmer: "That's bad news."

Friend: "Yes. However. We thought we had found the solution. We borrowed some of the dukes guardian dogs and had them guard the place. Unfortunately it didn't have the desired effect. The half-orcs raided again this night and caused serious damage to the dam."

Farmer: "Oh no. Was there a burst?"

Friend: "Yes. But the vet is looking at it right now."

[Sorry Eric's grandmother]


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## Argent Silvermage

Why are Devils Lawful Evil?

Posession IS 9/10ths of the law.


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## KDLadage

From the list of famous last lines of adventurers:
"Dragon? What dragon?"
"And the name of the demon is..."
"I wish you had never been born!" (_while holding the strange, unidentified ring..._)

From the list of interesting meta-game jokes:
An adventuring party is camped for the evening. It is the third watch, and the Paladin is standing guard. Suddenly, the Barbarian jumps up from his bedroll and begins screaming! His body is writhing in pain as muscles are bulging, and his appearace shifts from its gruff, human look to a more primal half-orcish. Beside him, in his pack, equipment seems to disappear with replacement gear appearing almost as quickly. After three agonizing minutes of sheer pain and discomfort, the Barbarian slumps over, crawls slowly back to his bedroll and tries to go back to sleep. The Paladin looks puzzled at his friend, realizing that his friend looks different somehow. He looks over the the Mage and asks, "What happened?" The mage looks back to his friend as replies, "It would appear that this campaign is being converted to the 3rd Edition Rules..."


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## Noldor Elf

Group of adventurers, an elf, a human and a dwarf has been taken prisoners and punished by whipping, 20 strokes each.

The torturer asks what the victim wants to his back before whipping. 

First is human. "I take water", he states. Some water is poured onto the mans back and twenty strokes are hitted.

The elf is second. Proydly he states: "I take the oil" and some oil is poured on his back before strokes are hitted. 

The dwarf is last. With loud voice he announces: "I take the elf"
---------------------------
What is called 200 dead elves at the bottom of the sea?
- Good start.
--------------------------
How many elves do you need to build a roof?
- It depends on how thin you slice them.


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## jasper

one room of the dungeon
music is heard before entering.
The band is an earth elemental, fire elemental, and air elemental.


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## orbitalfreak

jasper said:
			
		

> *one room of the dungeon
> music is heard before entering.
> The band is an earth elemental, fire elemental, and air elemental. *




 ROFLOL!


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## Klaatu B. Nikto

I'm surprised no one's mentioned stuff from the Ravenloft adventure "Death's Cold Laughter". Great, now I can't remember the name of the book it was in but I do remember a couple of the jokes.

Q: How do you create an Improved Fireball spell?
A: Feed an orc some beans.

----

Q: Why do elves have pointy ears?
A: There's got to be some point to elves.


There was more but I just can't remember 'em anymore. Believe me, they were BAD jokes.


Klaatu


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## Torque

After a long and fruitful adventuring career, Jozan decided to retire to the countryside, and bought himself a beautiful white horse to go riding.  However, as a loyal servant of Pelor, he felt that the normal commands of "Giddyap" and "Whoa" were too pedestrian, so he trained the horse to go when he said "Praise Pelor!", and stop when he said "Amen".

One day Regdar came over to visit Jozan at his country estate.  After reminescing for several hours about their adventures, Regdar asked if he could go for a ride.  Jozan said "Of course, my friend, but there is something you must know about this horse before you go."  Regdar replied "Bah, what's to know?  I've ridden hundreds of horses." and without another word, he leaped into the saddle and kicked the horse in the ribs, sending it into a gallop.

Regdar had a very pleasant ride over the rolling hills and woodlands, and wasn't paying very close attention to what was going on around him.  After a time, he noticed that the horse was headed straight for a 1000 foot cliff, and that the reins had slipped down until they were just out of his reach.

Not too worried yet, Regdar cried out "Whoa!", but the horse kept going full tilt.  He tried shouting all the other commands he could think of, with equally little effect.  

Finally, seeing no way he could avoid death, he began to pray, "Pelor, I know I haven't been a very devout follower, but I promise that if you get me out of this, I'll go to the temple every Godsday, and donate lots of gold to you, only let me survive somehow.  Amen."  With the last word, the horse skidded to a stop on the brink of the precipice.  

Looking up at the sun with tears forming in his eyes, Regdar cried out "I have been saved!  It's a miracle!  Praise Pelor!"


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## William Ronald

Here are a few more.  Some are quite bad.  (Insert home campaign references where appropriate.):

Did you here about the illithid who went on a diet? He would only eat the brains of politicians.

If you combined a Chosen of Mystra with a Chime of Hunger what wou get? Elmuncher.

Please, if he drank anymore wine, he would be known as Regdar the _Grape_

About a rogue or other thieving character: Heck, the only thing he hasn't taken is a bath.

From Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome:  He can beat most men with his breath.

He is such a lousy thief they call him the pillage idiot.

Let's just say that in a battle of wits he counts as an unarmed opponent.

Well, we could use a battering ram or your head.  Not that there is much of a difference.

Is he a good bard? Well, let's just say that banshees complain about his singing.

He comes from a small town outside Stoink called Stink.


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## Zander

What's the difference between an onion and an elf?

You cry when you cut an onion.
~~~

How many halflings does it take to change a light bulb (or kindle a chandelier)?

Six. It's over their heads.
~~~

What do you call 100 orcs in a lava flow?

A good start.
~~~

What do you call a dozen halflings in a fire?

Lunch.
~~~

What do you call a gargantuan monster that with 3 heads, 6 arms and 30 levels in fighter & wizard?

Sir.
~~~

Why do wizards wear pointy hats even though they have round heads, and elves wear round ear-muffs even though they have pointy ears?
~~~

Why do hobbits have hairy feet?

Because they don't shave them.
~~~

Why can't ettins make decisions?

Because they're in two minds.
~~~

Star Wars joke:

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.
~~~

Joke about gamers:

Jim, Al, Rob and Jerry, four middle-aged gamers, are in the middle of a D&D combat when a funeral cortege passes the building they're playing in. Just as he's about to throw his d20, Al notices the procession through the window. He stands up, removes his baseball cap, bows his head and shuts his eyes. After a brief moment of silent contemplation he returns to the game and rolls his d20. 

"Gee," says Rob "I didn't know you were spiritual."
"Well," shrugs Al "we were married for 20 years."


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## Magius del Cotto

Based on events that happened in my old gaming group:

How do you kill a thief?  Give him a draught of Fire Breath and point him toward a small room full of trolls.
How can you tell a thief is in trouble while he's scouting ahead?  He comes back.
What's the difference between Rock and Mud?  Ask the elves that are stuck in the Rock. (Rock to mud and mud to rock combo to keep some elves from commiting suicide)
What happens when an irresistible force hits an unbreakable window?  Oh, the walls come a-tumbling down.
How do you kill a thief that's immune to fire?  Put him in a cold room.
What's a dwarven battlerager's most fearsome attack?  His hug.
What's the difference between a dwarven battlerager and an orc?  Getting hugged by an orc hurts a whole lot less.
How do dwarven Battleragers close with the enemy?  Through the air, of course. 
What has straight horns and a body covered in spikes?  A dwarven battlerager that's been thrown into a wooden palisade.
What does a mage have to do with a dwarven Battlerager?  As little as possible, if he can at all help it.

From my own twisted mind:
How do you kill a wizard?  Have him cast a fireball into a 10x10 room.
What do orcs and Dwarven Battleragers see in each other?  Intellectual equals.

If you think these are any good, feel free to put them wherever.


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## Gospog

Q:  What do you call a druid whose father was a hyena?

A:   A grassy Gnoll


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## AngelTears

Guees where this joke is from, and yes I have just made Eric's grandma go blind.

There is a new Commander of a base, and the Captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds the Commander looks at the Captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What is that used for?"

The Captain replies, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel." "Enough!" says the Commander in disgust.

Two weeks pass, the Commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the Captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing furtively around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?" The Captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock." The Commander replies, "Put me down for two o'clock then."

At two o'clock the following day the Commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel.

A minute later the Captain walks in. "Ahem, begging your pardon, sir," says the Captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?"


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## Stone Angel

What does a dragon call a party of seven brave adventurers entering into his lair?

A buffet!


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