# Elven Flatulence



## Vraille Darkfang (Jun 14, 2005)

Maybe it the fact I've not been getting enough sleep lately,

Or maybe its the fact that I spent 2 hours yesterday having an oral surgeon remove one of my pack teeth & he gave me something so I wouldn't feel a thing.

But, while driving home from siad tooth extraction, I was listening to one of those talk radio shows & one of the guests mentioned his wife was a Vegan.  Host piped in & asked if it was true what he's heard about vegan & vegetarians in general; namely that they had 'above average' generation of gases in their digestive system.  Guest claimed it was, indeed true, vegetatians have more gas than 'normal' people.

So, I'm incapable of feeling my head & the thought pops into my head "Elves are vegetarians (more or less), does that mean they fart more?"

I mean, is that why elven communities always have to look so pretty?  They have to compensate for smelling like a methane production plant.

Maybe that's why orcs hate them so much.  Orcs have scent, elves blow noxious fumes out their backside at an alarming rate.  Orcs don't want to kill the elves so much as be able to breathe freely once more.

That could be the reason they are seen as aloof & look down on all the other races.  They think we are all incompetent twits, when in reality the other races are just trying to avoid passing out from the stench.

Maybe Troglodytes were orginally elves turned into lizard form.

Of course, that would mean elven rogues would have to make a Fort save when trying to Move Silently or 'give their position away with a warning blast'

Or maybe I should avoid thinking when the doc gives me really, really, good medicine.


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## reveal (Jun 14, 2005)

I know whenever I fart, I blame it on the Elf.


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## BiggusGeekus (Jun 14, 2005)

So, Vraille Darkfang, is the medication wearing off or kicking in?


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## Desdichado (Jun 14, 2005)

Who said elves are vegetarians?  Mine eat venison all the time!


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## Aeson (Jun 14, 2005)

that is one of the funniest things I've read here. I have one word for Beano


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## Hand of Evil (Jun 14, 2005)

Sterotyping the elf are we, many eat humans.


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## reveal (Jun 14, 2005)

What about Keebler elves? Are they vegetarians? And why do they hate Snap, Crackle and Pop so much?


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## osarusan (Jun 14, 2005)

I would guess that elves' farts smell like Roses... or something lame like that.


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## Ambrus (Jun 14, 2005)

Why do you think elves so often build their homes up high in the trees? Better ventilation!


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## mostholy2 (Jun 14, 2005)

Or maybe they justify the increased flatulence as a way to improve plant growth in their cities.  Farts are just aerosolized poo.  

They probably have songs they teach their children.  

"Give a hoot,
 And Let out a toot.
 Others may think that it's not cute,
 But trees thrive on your aesolized loot."


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## Red Spire Press (Jun 14, 2005)

Vraille Darkfang said:
			
		

> I mean, is that why elven communities always have to look so pretty?  They have to compensate for smelling like a methane production plant.
> 
> Maybe that's why orcs hate them so much.  Orcs have scent, elves blow noxious fumes out their backside at an alarming rate.  Orcs don't want to kill the elves so much as be able to breathe freely once more.
> 
> ...



Good god, I just about spit up my coffee all over my monitor. Thanks for the mid afternoon laughs.


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## sniffles (Jun 14, 2005)

So who said elves are vegetarians?  

And what the heck were you doing driving yourself home after a dental extraction?!!


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## Gez (Jun 14, 2005)

Note that well, it's true. Cows, horses, and other grass-eating beast emit much more methan than predators like lions or wolves. A pet rabbit will fart more often than a pet cat or a pet dog.

Furthermore, elves don't just fart a lot, they also naturally stink. According to the Complete Book of Elves, they heal really quickly and completely, sleep little, and yet are fast and nimble, all signs of a high metabolism. In turn, a high metabolism means stronger body odor.


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## Uzumaki (Jun 14, 2005)

Thing is, farts stink largely because of the sulphur content of what we eat, and the by-products of bacterial metabolism. So if you eat low sulphur food, namely most vegetables including legumes, you will fart a lot, but it won't stink as much. Granted, the amount of gas produced might be enough to offset the reduced stink factor, but I don't really care enough to find out. Ask your dog.


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## kenobi65 (Jun 14, 2005)

Joshua Dyal said:
			
		

> Who said elves are vegetarians?  Mine eat venison all the time!




My wife decided, as a fun quirk, to have her elf ranger be a vegetarian.  It's yielded all sorts of goofy interplay between her and the dwarf cleric, who's decided to be overtly carnivorous just to tweak her.


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## palleomortis (Jun 14, 2005)

So, Uh, you wouldn't happen to have any of this "medicine" left over, would you?


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## Warehouse23 (Jun 14, 2005)

Elven eruptions smell like a summer's day, like a leafy glen, like a shady hollow. My bard is going to write a song about this one day....


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## billd91 (Jun 14, 2005)

Two things come to mind:

1) Why would you assume that elves are vegetarian?

2) Even if they are vegetarian, not being human, why would you assume that their digestive systems would produce vegetarian-style abundances of gas rather than having the enzymes and other mechanisms necessary to digest their diets without so much gas production?


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## Nifft (Jun 14, 2005)

Warehouse23 said:
			
		

> My bard is going to write a song about this one day....




_"Just like every rose has its thorn,
every Elf has her horn,
she eats some leaves, she eats some corn,
and lifts her cloak from dusk 'til morn..."_


Or:

"Sit on my face, and tell me you're half-elven..."


Or:

"Beans, beans, good for your self,
The more you eat, the more you "elf"..."

 -- N


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## yennico (Jun 15, 2005)

Nifft said:
			
		

> _"Just like every rose has its thorn,
> every Elf has her horn,
> she eats some leaves, she eats some corn,
> and lifts her cloak from dusk 'til morn..."_



I failed my save . The spell Tasha´s HL affects me


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## Kae'Yoss (Jun 15, 2005)

Vraille Darkfang said:
			
		

> Or maybe I should avoid thinking when the doc gives me really, really, good medicine.




Maybe you should avoid thinking period?   

This reminds me of my idle musings about connecting D&D races to real world nationalities (which cannot be posted here), but now I see that "too much time on his hands" gets beat by "too much time on his ands and drugged by the man in white".

Oh, and anticipating what your state of mind is right now, I tell you that elven farts smell a pale reddish green


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## Bront (Jun 15, 2005)

I think this is what keeps elves up more at night.  Pondering questions like this (Or perhaps simply trying to not explode from the internal pressure.)


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## Umbran (Jun 15, 2005)

Well, we also then have to wonder about the inner workings of all the other woodland types.  The elves are related to the fey, right?

So, perhaps that isn't "pixie dust" trailing behind Tinkerbell...


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## Dark Jezter (Jun 15, 2005)

I've been saying for years that elves stink.  Little did I know just how right I was.


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## Vraille Darkfang (Jun 15, 2005)

Well,

I'm off the hard stuff.

In fact, I wasn't SUPPOSED to be on the hard stuff, but after 2 hours of the dentist hammer around with a chisel (I wish I was joking), it became appent I was going to need something better than Novicane.

(Thus why I had to drive myslef home (I wasn't supposed to be taking anything 'special', and had noone to call to take me home).

Why are elves vegetarians?  Well they seem to be the most harmonious with nature, and I've never seen that much about them haing a bunch of domesticated animals.  So, aside from a fat squirrel, plump sparrow, & the occasional deer, I expect the vast majority of an elf's diet is plant related (like human hunter-gathers).  Note: Keebler Elves thrive on Baked Goods, While Polar elves have to survive on all the Milk & Cookies their obese overlord can't choke down.

So, if any core race is primarly vegetarian, it would be elves.  Vegetarians fart more.  Thus Elves Fart more than any other PC race (drugs + logic= WTF).  It also appears Elves have really bad BO.

Scene in Lord of the Rings where they go to the elven city should have been: "Frodo look at this! Oh my god! Can't breathe, help...." (Thud) Roll Credits.

Thus we now know elves are a bunch of stinky people who fart all the time.  No wonder people hate them.

Other observations while using a prescribed medication.

1. While watching the Hummingbirds fight over the feeder (Nothing could be meaner than a half-dragon hummingbird.  That's got to be one f***** up dragon to think 'Can I mate with that?')

2. While watching the 13 woodpeckers (that's an accurate count BTW) fight over the peanut feeder. (You can kill any treant by coating it in peanut butter.  It will act as a Summon Monster IX Fiendish Dire Woodpecker spell).

3. Paris Hilton would make a good elf.  A really, really, really skanky elf.  Who used Int as a dump stat.  Big time.

4. Bears do their business in the woods.  Elves do their business in the woods.  Do elves & bears ever hav that unconfortable silence when they both meet each other in the middle of the pure mountain stream and realize they've chosen the same spot.  Do they compare sizes?

5.  While hearing about how you can use a Beer Enema to fool a breathilizer test.  (Glad I didn't have any beer around here when this medicine was at full effect.  35% chance for found potions to have an 'alternate' delivery system.  Would a elf using said alternate delivery system just make bubbles.  DECANTER of Endless Water = Cool Magic Item.  ENEMA of Endless Water = Cursed Item.  Change one word & it goes from cool to cursed.  Cool & Cursed both stat with 'C' & End with 'LD'.

6. After this, they devolve into stuff unprintable here or images that a Slaadi would say "What the Limbo are you talking about?"


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## Kae'Yoss (Jun 15, 2005)

Vraille Darkfang said:
			
		

> Why are elves vegetarians?  Well they seem to be the most harmonious with nature




Eating flesh is part of nature.



> , and I've never seen that much about them haing a bunch of domesticated animals.
> 
> So, aside from a fat squirrel, plump sparrow, & the occasional deer, I expect the vast majority of an elf's diet is plant related (like human hunter-gathers).




Note that an elven settlement isn't as crowded as a human city. They don't need cattle, they can hunt what they need. 



> So, if any core race is primarly vegetarian, it would be elves.




Nah, I'd say it would be dwarves. They cannot catch anything with their short legs, and they're really bad with ranged weapons to boot. Thus, they turn to the one thing that cannot get away: Stones.

Oh, and thanks for sharing your thoughts. Now I am convinced that I'm really not that crazy


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## haiiro (Jun 15, 2005)

One thing's for sure: with their lifespans, elves have a looooooong time to perfect their mad farting skillz.

Actually, that might be why elves and dwarves don't like each other: both are long-lived races, so there's a natural basis for competition there.


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## Kae'Yoss (Jun 15, 2005)

haiiro said:
			
		

> One thing's for sure: with their lifespans, elves have a looooooong time to perfect their mad farting skillz.




U-huh. You see, this is what you get when you try to get a short lived human think in long-lived elven terms. We're just not made to contemplate the passing of centuries. And if asked what we would do with the time....



> Actually, that might be why elves and dwarves don't like each other: both are long-lived races, so there's a natural basis for competition there.




No, the dwarves are envious because their long livespan is the only thing about them that's long, everything else is short. And even there, they're not holding the record, but the elves, who live even longer.


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## Arbiter of Wyrms (Jun 15, 2005)

After reading the title of the thread, why was I surprised at what I found?

1. I don't know if we vegetarians fart more, but I can assure you that it stinks less when we do.  Meat eaters, when their digestive systems are not too backed up to function, produce some fiendish dire emmissions of legend +5.  It's bad! But, then, I guess when you're around it all the time, you stop noticing.

2. Elves aren't vegetarians!  Just because an entire race is a lot of namby-pamby, tree-hugging, d4 hit dice androgynous fey-people doesn't mean they have to be wierdoes, too!  Golly, you and your stereotypes!


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## Vraille Darkfang (Jun 15, 2005)

haiiro said:
			
		

> One thing's for sure: with their lifespans, elves have a looooooong time to perfect their mad farting skillz.





Google: Joseph Pujol 

See what you get.

(if he was alive today, I'd bet he'd use his special talents to provide the bass line in rap music).


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## Impeesa (Jun 15, 2005)

Aeson said:
			
		

> I have one word for Beano




Well don't just leave us hanging, what is it? 

--Impeesa--


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## BronzeDragon (Jun 15, 2005)

Forrester would be proud of this thread (though maybe not of the thread creator's screen name)...


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## wingsandsword (Jun 15, 2005)

Vraille Darkfang said:
			
		

> 3. Paris Hilton would make a good elf.  A really, really, really skanky elf.  Who used Int as a dump stat.  Big time.



That and she's only got aristocrat levels.

Is she from a campaign that used the Book of Erotic Fantasy maybe?


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## Aeson (Jun 15, 2005)

Impeesa said:
			
		

> Well don't just leave us hanging, what is it?
> 
> --Impeesa--



You haven't heard of Beano? Its a pill you take before eating that cuts down on the gas. They had a few different slogans but my favorite was "Beano before, quite after". I don't know why but I thought it was funny.


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## Aeson (Jun 15, 2005)

Vraille Darkfang said:
			
		

> 3. Paris Hilton would make a good elf.  A really, really, really skanky elf.  Who used Int as a dump stat.  Big time.



Can't fight it any more must say it. No Must resist. I'm to weak

Thats Hot!


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## dave_o (Jun 15, 2005)

I'm a vegetarian, but given that I live in Southern California most of my diet is beans, rice, torillas, lettuce, cheese, and tomatoes. I, indeed, fart quite a bit but they are so scentless that no one ever knows.

That said, why haven't Elves created some sort of zepplin powered by their own natural gas?

PS: Obligatory not all vegetarians are pansies. In fact, I stopped eating meat so I could gain more muscle mass easily (with the advent of soy processing meat has become a very inefficient, though perhaps tasty, method of putting protein in your body -- it is rife with unecessary fats better gained through plant oils).


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## palleomortis (Jun 15, 2005)

Nifft said:
			
		

> _"Just like every rose has its thorn,_
> _every Elf has her horn,_
> _she eats some leaves, she eats some corn,_
> _and lifts her cloak from dusk 'til morn..."_
> ...




So were these songs supposed to inspire corage, or fear?


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## Vraille Darkfang (Jun 15, 2005)

BronzeDragon said:
			
		

> Forrester would be proud of this thread (though maybe not of the thread creator's screen name)...





Hey!

What's wrong with my screen name?

(Other than the fact my initials turn out to be V.D.).


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## Vraille Darkfang (Jun 15, 2005)

Ok.

Tip.

If you load up on Advil, don't forget about it & take some sleep aid medication before you go to bed.

Otherwise you might have thoughts like this before you go to bed:

1. If you cast Regeneration on a Eunuch Warlock; does he lose all his class abilities?  "He casts WHAT?  I get a Will save right?  I don't want my **** back!!!!"

2. Step-by step guidelines to create your own half-dragons.

     Step 1.  Castrate yourself.  (Your DM may institute a Heal check; on a 1 you screw up & Bobbitize yourself).

    Step 2.  Find an Illithid who can do those cool Illithid Grafts thingies, and who takes Adventurer's Express.

    Step 3.  Paint yourself the desired color of half-dragons you wish to create.  

    Step 4.  Treat the Illithid to lunch. (Be sure to order Take-Out).

    Step 5.  Lure a young adult dragon of the color you wish to make your half-dragons to you.  (Spam Telepathic Sendings about Mail-Order Princesses usually do the trick).

   Step 6.  Take the Dragon & the Illithid Line Dancing.  Get the Dragon really wasted.  (I recommend Everclear mixed with turpentine).

    Step 7.  Once the dragon passes out, have the Illithid harvest the 'required organs'  (Don't worry, the Illithid will know what I'm talking about, I've already spoken to him via Astral Projection.  His name is Willie & he thinks Shania Twain is still hot).

   Step 8.  Drop your pants (or open your robe, flip the kilt, whatever) & let the Illithid get to work.  (Note: your previous garments may no longer fit correctly, and you will have to custom craft all metal armors, as 'normal' armors do not have sufficient room in the crotch for your newly-grafted 'upgrades'.  Also beware Halfling monks fond of called shots.

  Step 9.  Allow 3-4 months for complete healing.  Be sure to go to your follow up appointments with Willie to make sure your body doesn't reject the new graft.

  Step 10.  Stock up on Barry White CD's, Wands of Viagra, & start making them half-dragons.


Maybe I should read the labels of over the counter medications more carefully from now on.


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## Vecna (Jun 15, 2005)

So, soon or later, we should expect an *Elven Farter* PrC in some future WotC book?


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## Ashy (Jun 15, 2005)

You know....

...its threads like these that make ENWorld such a magical, wonderful place...


...and make everyone in your office look at you wierd when you splurt soda all over your desk and snort and laugh like a drowning donkey.


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## Henry (Jun 15, 2005)

Let's see... how do I phrase this properly...


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## Barendd Nobeard (Jun 15, 2005)

Vraille Darkfang said:
			
		

> 3. Paris Hilton would make a good elf. A really, really, really skanky elf. Who used Int as a dump stat. Big time.







			
				wingsandsword said:
			
		

> That and she's only got aristocrat levels.
> 
> Is she from a campaign that used the Book of Erotic Fantasy maybe?





No.  *The Book of Vile Darkness*.


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## Kae'Yoss (Jun 15, 2005)

Hm... I wonder what race all those drug-addled babblers would be in D&D   Could it be that I just found the niche for gnomes?


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## Kanegrundar (Jun 15, 2005)

We have hit a new level on the boards...elf farts on the next EN World board topic!!!

Hilarious!

Kane


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## BronzeDragon (Jun 15, 2005)

Vraille Darkfang said:
			
		

> Hey!
> 
> What's wrong with my screen name?
> 
> (Other than the fact my initials turn out to be V.D.).




I could point you to Forrester's lecture "Nyiming Ur Chaerectyr" (or words to that effect), but, unfortunately, it doesn't exist online anymore...

Trust me when I say it was funny...


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## Dark Jezter (Jun 16, 2005)

Vecna said:
			
		

> So, soon or later, we should expect an *Elven Farter* PrC in some future WotC book?



 Either that, or we'll see a "Methane Elf" subrace in a future Forgotten Realms suppliment.


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## Impeesa (Jun 16, 2005)

Aeson said:
			
		

> You haven't heard of Beano? Its a pill you take before eating that cuts down on the gas. They had a few different slogans but my favorite was "Beano before, quite after". I don't know why but I thought it was funny.




Well yeah, I know what Beano is. You said you had one word for it, though. What is it? 

--Impeesa--


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## Aeson (Jun 16, 2005)

Impeesa said:
			
		

> Well yeah, I know what Beano is. You said you had one word for it, though. What is it?
> 
> --Impeesa--



I guess that was a typo. I think I meant I have one word for you. Beano.


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## wingsandsword (Jun 16, 2005)

Dark Jezter said:
			
		

> Either that, or we'll see a "Methane Elf" subrace in a future Forgotten Realms suppliment.



"Elven Windmaster" PrC, that builds off a "natural winds" feat that elves can take that lets elves once per day release a cloud of natural gas, it has a 50% chance of healing all plant creatures within 10 ft of 1d8 HP, and a 50% chance of acting like a stinking cloud centered on the Elf (elf subject to the effect as well).  The PrC lets you do it more times per day, get more area of effect, and choose from more potential effects (a 10th level ability of Cloudkill, appearing adjacent to you maybe?)


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## Nifft (Jun 16, 2005)

Dark Jezter said:
			
		

> Either that, or we'll see a "Methane Elf" subrace in a future Forgotten Realms suppliment.




*Fire Elf*
Identical to a half red dragon elf, except if you're using the optional Facing rules from UA, the "breath weapon" affects only those _behind_ the Fire Elf. Also, those who fail their Reflex save are nauseated for 1d4 rounds.

 -- N


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## Gez (Jun 16, 2005)

Once got a vocal invitation to an "elf art competition". Well, I should have asked for a written offer, because it turned out to be an _elf fart_ competition.


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## Impeesa (Jun 16, 2005)

Aeson said:
			
		

> I guess that was a typo. I think I meant I have one word for you. Beano.




I kind of figured that, too. It's just not funny any more if I have to explain it. 

--Impeesa--


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## Kae'Yoss (Jun 16, 2005)

Dark Jezter said:
			
		

> Either that, or we'll see a "Methane Elf" subrace in a future Forgotten Realms suppliment.




Nah. Doesn't fit into the system. You need a metal and a heavenly body. 

So I say "Brass Elf", also called "Nebula Elf"

- +2 Con, -2 Cha: Their own flatulence has hardened their body against everything, but it it's bad for social interaction of any kind.
- Immunity to any spell with the word "cloud" in the name. 
- Stinking cloud 1/day. 
- +2 on perform (wind instrument) checks. They can use two wind instruments at once, one between each pair of cheeks.
- free weapon proficiency with the war fan.


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## Gnarlo (Jun 16, 2005)

Listen to the cast commentary on ROTK during the drinking game scene; Gimli confirms that elves fart like diesel engines. 

Pretty much explains why their robes and hair always seem to be blowing in the wind.


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## Vraille Darkfang (Jun 16, 2005)

After learning about Joseph Pujol  

I've decided I HAVE to make up an Elven Bard based on this guy.

I can have max ranks in Perform (fart) (didn't know that was an option, did ya?).

That way, whenever we go into battle, my bard can Inspire Courage by droping-trow, mooning the enemy & playing the Conan The Barbarian theme from his buttocks.

Inspire Competence?  No Problem, just listen as the Rocky Theme begins eminating from my nether cheecks.

Countersoung?  What could possibly by lounder than my classically trained intestinal artistic rendition of the greatest works of John Phillip Susa?

Fascinate?  Barry White coming out of my a**.  Really; Big Black Man's voice coming out of skinny elf's butt, who WOULDN'T be able to do anything but stare?

I mean I really, REALLY have to make this character.  I think its an obsession now.  Phillipe the Fartiste Elven Bard MUST LIVE!


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## Angel Tarragon (Jun 16, 2005)

wingsandsword said:
			
		

> "Elven Windmaster" PrC, that builds off a "natural winds" feat that elves can take that lets elves once per day release a cloud of natural gas, it has a 50% chance of healing all plant creatures within 10 ft of 1d8 HP, and a 50% chance of acting like a stinking cloud centered on the Elf (elf subject to the effect as well).  The PrC lets you do it more times per day, get more area of effect, and choose from more potential effects (a 10th level ability of Cloudkill, appearing adjacent to you maybe?)



ROFLOL!!!!!


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## Selenim (Jun 19, 2005)

That would explain why the drow are so busy killing each other.   The air can get a bit stale down there


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## Kae'Yoss (Jun 19, 2005)

Selenim said:
			
		

> That would explain why the drow are so busy killing each other.   The air can get a bit stale down there




That would also explain why those drow that abandon the Night Below to live in the Night Above (i.e. those following Eilistraee and Vhaeraun) have stopped backstabbing each other.


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## Angel Tarragon (Jun 20, 2005)

Selenim said:
			
		

> That would explain why the drow are so busy killing each other.   The air can get a bit stale down there



Hehehehe!


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## Angel Tarragon (Jun 20, 2005)

Kae'Yoss said:
			
		

> That would also explain why those drow that abandon the Night Below to live in the Night Above (i.e. those following Eilistraee and Vhaeraun) have stopped backstabbing each other.



Makes sense.


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## Angel Tarragon (Jun 20, 2005)

double post.


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## Turanil (Jun 21, 2005)

Frukathka said:
			
		

> double post.



You mean postcount=postcount+1?   



			
				d-minky said:
			
		

> I would guess that elves' farts smell like Roses... or something lame like that.



Lame indeed!


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## Selenim (Jun 21, 2005)

d-minky said:
			
		

> I would guess that elves' farts smell like Roses... or something lame like that.




Yeah but it wouldn't be elvish without some free bonus like adding a modifier to social skills checks with air elementals.


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## Kae'Yoss (Jun 21, 2005)

Turanil said:
			
		

> You mean postcount=postcount+1?




No, double post would be postcount*=2


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## Kae'Yoss (Jun 21, 2005)

Selenim said:
			
		

> Yeah but it wouldn't be elvish without some free bonus like adding a modifier to social skills checks with air elementals.




Could be worse. It could be "+4 AC against all creatures of the elemental or outsider type". But then the dwarves would get it, on top of everything else they already have, and they still would not get a level adjustment.


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