# Stupidest things PCs/DMs have done



## Lalalei2001

I casted my very first fireball in a room only 10 feet wide. The fireball has a range of 25 feet.

I burned to a crisp, but killed the troll.


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## painandgreed

Our party magic user cast rock to mud underneath a group of humanoids that were shooting at us on a cliff above the road we were on. Then came the arguement about if there was a landslide and how big it would be. Took out the humanoids and almost took us out also.


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## Richards

In a solo adventure for an AD&D 2nd Edition thief, she snuck onto the grounds of a missing wizard's home at midnight, and noticed the unmistakable gleam of gems at the bottom of a fountain.  Not wanting to get her leather armor wet, she stripped it off and stepped into the fountain in her skivvies, thinking to grab up some gemstones.

She didn't expect the piranha fish the wizard kept stocked in the fountain.  

Johnathan


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## Liolel

I've posted this before, but the absolute stupidest thing I've seen a pc do was during a blizzard deciding to sleep outside to avoid paying five silver pieces for an inn room. Of course this was only the worst of a long series of dumb moves by this paticular character.


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## Waylander the Slayer

hmmm casting a Cone of cold underwater in a small pond...enough said.


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## Enamel_32

Casting fireballs as a means to defend a ship from pirates... after they boarded the ship.


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## demiurge1138

Trying to communicate with a demon using "the universal language of mathematics".

Demiurge out.


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## Roudi

Encamped with a group of orcs, the party druid decided to enforce her vegetarian diet upon her hosts.  She did this by physically removing their dinner, a venison roasting on a spit, from the fire.  Her hosts were none too pleased.  A short combat later, and the druid was left split in twain from head to toe.


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## AuraSeer

_Maximized fireball_ in an avalanche zone.


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## Wikid Klown

Casting Fireball in both a dead forest to kill off the feindish-treants, then casting it in an all wooden, makeshift fortress, while in the heart of it to kill the beserkers right in front of them.

A noob shot a lightning bolt at a blue dragon, making it very annoyed, but before hand doing it underwater (same player, different character). 

A Cleric of  Nerull blostering the zombies BEFORE trying to take control of them.

The list goes on. Needless to say, he learned that realism is a part of my game. He recently made a list of reasons not to fight an iron in meelee combat to go along with the previous elemental notes he took. This is all the same guy, he took out my need for an NPC to lighten the mood at the table, now we just reflect on his past mistakes.


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## Savage Wombat

We blew a direct channel to the Realm of Fear in a Deadlands game.  We were trying to destroy the fear device, not just let it's stored energies loose.  SteelDraco can probably explain it better.


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## DungeonmasterCal

demiurge1138 said:
			
		

> Trying to communicate with a demon using "the universal language of mathematics".
> 
> Demiurge out.




OMG...this just made my whole morning.


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## BroccoliRage

if you have ever had kids join your game, they are the best for stupid moves and laughs....too much of that Dragonballz crap....

my brother, a ten year old who wanted to play because his brother was, asked to join. "well sure" says i, and teach him how to roll up a dwarven fighter. he goes on his first dungoen crawl in a short passsage way and when it comes to be his turn, he says, "i throw my axe straight up into the air!" with the conviction of one who isnt really stopping to think.

well, hes a kid, i think.

"are you sure you want to do that jon? this is a short passageway."
"yes, its awesome!"
"are you sure?"
"yes."
"alright. roll a dex check."
Fail
"jon, Sir Awesome the dwarf takes 2 pts of damage from getting hit in the face with his own axe."


3 hours, a suit of dwarven platemail and two ressurections later....

"paladdin, youve fallen out of the boat and your plate mail is weighing you down."

"Sir Awesome jumps out of the boat to save him!"

::sigh::.....


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## Aeric

In RttToEE, we had interpreted some text to mean that the key to proceeding to the Inner Fane was hidden in this floating black orb we found.  So we convinced the less-than-wise half-orc to stick his hands in the orb and feel around for the key (or gloves, or whatever it was supposed to be...I forget).  The half-orc touches the orb and disappears.  The DM takes his player into the other room to tell him what happened.

Since the half-orc had been transported to another plane by a magic trap a few sessions prior to this one, I figured that must have been the case here.  So I touched the orb.  I disappeared, and the DM took me into the other room.

After I came back, the elf archer decided that both I and the half-orc must now be trapped in another plane, so _he_ touches the orb.  And disappears.  And goes in the other room with the DM.

Turns out the black sphere was a _Sphere of Annihilation_, and the three of us were disintegrated.  I'm still a bit bitter about that, since I was playing a Wizard with 24 Int and didn't even get a Knowledge (Arcana) or Spellcraft roll to get a hint that this might be something deadly.


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## Vertaxis

1/2 Orc Barabarian with an Intelligence of 6

'Nuf  said.


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## Dingleberry

Aeric said:
			
		

> Turns out the black sphere was a _Sphere of Annihilation_, and the three of us were disintegrated.



The only time I've ever run into a sphere as a player was hilarious.  We were running a one-off of _Tomb of Horrors_ and I was playing Sir Godboy, a stereotypical paladin armed with a Holy Avenger.  When we reached the statue (most will know what I'm talking about), Sir Godboy poked at the darkness with the sword, which disappeared.  I threw a note to the DM that read "How long has Sir Godboy had this sword?"  The response: "Three years."  So Sir Godboy dove in after the sword.

The next note from the DM is now quoted often in my gaming group: "Sir Godboy is no more.  Sorry."


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## Dannyalcatraz

Over the decades, my PCs (and others) have:

Cast a Delayed Blast Fireball (21HD, with maximum delay) on a target 200' away...rushing towards the party at 96' movement.

Jumped on a DBF thinking that the glowing stone it left behind was a magical jewel.

Grappled a Lich.

Challenged a Lord of Ravenloft for control of his section of the Demi-plane of dread...AND WON!  (The other PCs didn't last long after that...)

Bowled with a Sphere of Annihilation...VERY briefly.

Let the PC who had been dominated by an artifact hold Mordenkainen's baby while someone else is trying to destroy the artifact in question...(it ended quite badly).

Called out the names of divine beings (to get aid) when confronting a puzzle: "...Odin! Thor! Hastur!..." *"YESSSSSSSSSS!"*

Charged a sleeping HARD at 1st level.

I'm sure I'll recall others...


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## Vraille Darkfang

1. Get the Dwarf Barbarian drunk till he passed out.

2. Take him to an up-scale woman's salon.

3.  Fork over the 100 gold for the 'Full Body' Bikini Wax.

4. Brag about it to him the next day (That's the stupid part).


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## Greg K

I am sure that there are others, but these two come to mind.

1) 2e Thief was sent to sneak inside a lizardman temple and do reconaisance so that the players could develop a plan to rescue a kidnapped girl the next morning.  Once inside, the thief seeks out and murders one of the guards to "instill panic" among the lizardmen and then doesn't tell the party what he did.  The next day the party enters to find the security on heightened alert

2) The party enters the chamber of what appears to be, from a fresco, either the burial place of either a powerful priest or some deity.  The  party agrees not to disturb anything--especially the sarcophagus at the opposite side of the room .  The  rogue immediately throws a torch onto the sarcphagus.


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## Mallus

demiurge1138 said:
			
		

> Trying to communicate with a demon using "the universal language of mathematics".



That's brilliant!

When players come up with something like that I (usually) run with it. It would have been a terrific challenge to improvise up some 'evil math' with which to carry out the conversation.


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## Imperialus

Roudi said:
			
		

> Encamped with a group of orcs, the party druid decided to enforce her vegetarian diet upon her hosts.  She did this by physically removing their dinner, a venison roasting on a spit, from the fire.  Her hosts were none too pleased.  A short combat later, and the druid was left split in twain from head to toe.




She's lucky she didn't end up serving as replacement dinner.

AD&D 2nd ed.  Our party ranger was injured and unable to hunt we had no food.  The party mage decided to go hunting himself... happens across a trophy buck during the late fall.  I can't remember exactly what the DM called for him to roll but either way he rolled rediculously high.  The mage quickly parused his list of equipment, realized he only had a staff and decided he'd cast his most powerful spell to fell the beast.  A single magic dart flew from his fingers rolling.... minimum damage on a 2 HD deer.  Well the DM decided that while normally a deer would run from such an attack this was after all late fall and therefor rutting season.  He chased the mage up a tree and remained their trying to attack him until the next day.


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## DreadPirateMurphy

When the DM said, "So nobody is actually touching the artifact?", I chime in with, "I touch it!"

DM:  "Make a Fortitude save."

We had already determined that this was a hideously evil artifact that reeked of necromancy and allowed BBEGs to create undead creatures.

Doh.  Made my save, though.


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## Vraille Darkfang

There was the time the Fighter decided to pay a prostitute for oral sex.

He asked the NPC villain Vampire, who was in disguise to observe them.

He offered 3 silver.

He phrased his request in a way I can't repeat here.

He then agreed to follow her into an isolated stone cellar, "Where it's quiet & no one can here us".

He survived the 'Encounter', well, *most * of him survived; but was forever after known as 'Shorty', even _after _ the Regnerate spell.


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## shilsen

Vertaxis said:
			
		

> 1/2 Orc Barabarian with an Intelligence of 6
> 
> 'Nuf  said.



 I'll see your half-orc and raise you an orc barbarian with Int, Wis and Cha of 6 each. 

The PC did a lot of stupid stuff where I knew better as a player but figured the character wouldn't. He tried to grapple an allip and was mildly eloctrocuted by licking a magical portal. Too bad the campaign folded before I got to play him for more than a handful of sessions.


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## Tarangil

*1) * A favourite of mine was a player who's *greed always got the better of him*.  If I ever wanted to test a trap, I just put a gold piece on the floor, and I wouldn't be able to finish the description of what's around it before he blurts out, "I grab it".  Usually after bitten once or twice you'd learn...    This Thief ALWAYS sprung the traps on himself because of that and didn't successfully Disarm a trap until he was Lvl 9.

*2)*  Had a dumb player join us, and the group was ambushed on the road.  Surrounded by bow wielding orcs in the bushes, he gets a couple of arrows in him and decides to hide...by lying down on the dirt road and burying himself in full view of everyone.  Hard packed earth cannot bury a boot, but all he would do is try and try and try...until he got killed.

*3)* Remember the first room in the _UNDERMOUNTAIN_?  You know the one with the two orcs in it?  The clerk/mage, wild mage, and Barbarian (Player from (1)) These guys went into UM at first level, scuffled with the orcs and one got away.  Then they decided to camp out.  About 15 orcs returned and started bashing the door open.  (Think LOTR with the Door being busted in the Tomb), Everyone is ready for the onslaught...

Blankor (B1)  "Where'd the Wizard go?"

Trose (C1/M1) "What?!?!"  -looks at player 3 in shock-

The wild mage _Slick 50 _ had  decided to sneak out the secret door behind them run back to the well and be lifted back up before the door was busted in leaving his friends.  After cat and mouse, some smart surviving Trose and Blankor survived, went back up to the yawning portal to find their _Friend_ enjoying a round of drinks.  We all know what would happen next.  The Roaring Barbarian who never liked wizards picked up the skinny Slick 50 and threw him down the well.  Mr Wild mage used a wild surge to make spider climb while falling and made it 200% effective, stuck out his hands and touched the well wall as he fell the 240'....

To this day his hands are still sticking to where he touched the wall.  The rest of him after his wrists dislocated and popped off, fell the rest of the way leaving a long greasy smear all the way down.

_*The Moral*-_ If you're a wizard and in a party with a magic suspicious Barbarian...Don't betray the party.


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## jdrakeh

I remember playing in an AD&D 1e campaign where I, as a Palladin, was assigned to escort and protect (at the expense of my own life, if necessary) a cleric who was on their way to the capital city of our country. Along the way, we were ambushed by bandits and I placed myself between the cleric and our attackers, to buy her some time to escape - _instead_ she hurled a flask of greek fire in the road... and it fell a few feet short of the bandits, setting my mount on fire and superheating my full plate armor, effectively cooking me alive (it didn't kill me, but it very nearly did). Net result: Cleric captured. Palladin left for dead.


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## just__al

demiurge1138 said:
			
		

> Trying to communicate with a demon using "the universal language of mathematics".
> 
> Demiurge out.




Prince of Darkness reference?  It's really ringing a bell....


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## Estlor

Once I was playing an elven bard that was a bit of a ditz.  We were captured by orc slavers and were making an escape with nothing but a couple of makeshift knives.  We had overpowered an orc and killed it and were now manipulating it to make it look like it was "escorting" us through the prison.

Anyway, one of the orcs barks out a question to the body of the dead orc.  Since my elf was the only one that could speak the same language, they responded as if they were the orc.

Sounds sensible, right?

Except the elf and the orc were opposite genders.

For the life of me I can't recall how we survived that encounter.  Yeah, _I_ knew better than to try that tactic, but the character, ah yes, that's exactly what they'd do.


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## Warrior Poet

Mallus said:
			
		

> It would have been a terrific challenge to improvise up some 'evil math' with which to carry out the conversation.



Like calculus?   

Miserable at math,

Warrior Poet


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## Warrior Poet

Dingleberry said:
			
		

> "Sir Godboy is no more.  Sorry."



Ah, good times, good times.   

Warrior Poet


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## Swedish Chef

Vertaxis said:
			
		

> 1/2 Orc Barabarian with an Intelligence of 6
> 
> 'Nuf  said.




Especially when paired with his twin brother.


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## demiurge1138

just__al said:
			
		

> Prince of Darkness reference?  It's really ringing a bell....



If it was a reference, I have no idea what to. 

Demiurge out.


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## ThirdWizard

Lesse...

Decide to talk to the ogre warlord who has been terrorizing the populace, which involved walking into his fort surrounded by more than a dozen orcs, not to mention the ogre himself and his half orc advisor. At least they didn't agree to leave their weapons at the gate.

A wizard letting several enemies up next to him because he had _burning hands_ prepared and they were "only orcs" in one of our first 3E games. (classed monsters are fun)

Taking shiney objects off of pedestals in treasure rooms without even bothering to check for traps. (multiple times)

Sticking one's finger into a swirling pond of earth and stone deep underground beneath an undead keep. It turned out to be an earth weird, Fort save or be petrified, fall in, and be crushed. (that was me!)


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## Dark Dragon

Last session was great. 
The party (all at level 24 !!!) tried to observe three low-level rogues in an inn. It was nearly midnight.

The rogues stayed in a sleeping room, one of them was guarding the room, door was closed.

After the wizard and the cleric had gone to bed, it was the paladin's turn to keep an eye on the room with the rogues. Paladin, *in full plate mail, heavy steel shield and fully armed*, activates his ring of invisibility and marched to the room, standing in front of the door. Player rolled up a low move silently check. 

Guard opens door, lantern in hand and looks around, nobody there, closes door.

Paladin moves to door to listen closer. Another low MS check...

Door opens again, guard looks around, makes a step forward.

Paladin moves back, guess his MS check...

Fight erupts in darkness...But the paladin quickly pinned the guard, keeping him from raising alarm (the paladin had blind-fight AND good luck from that point). And I constantly rolled REALLY low listen checks for the two sleeping rogues (IIRC, three 1's).

A few minutes later, the party knocked the the sleeping rogues unconcious to ask them some questions later.

Observing people, an epic-level challenge


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## Queen_Dopplepopolis

Most of the stupid things I have been a part of or witnessed have been a result of stupid role playing.  For example, I once witnessed a PC attempt to calm a very disturbed crowd that just had their homes destroyed by armies of undead and lizard-men by poly-morphing into the likeness of an individual that (as was well known to the PCs and all of the NPCs) heralded the Apocalypse.

Needless to say, the world's highest diplomacy check can't put a peasant in a "Happy Place" when they are CERTAIN the end of the world is near.

In our 1879 Modern Game, somewhere in the American Wild West, I also watched a PC insist to a group of angry Native Americans that they should "Let us go because the Cavalry is coming" ... like that's going to stop them from killing us.  Eesh!

Lastly, a paladin of mine once jumped feet first into a swiftly moving river... in her breastplate.  Swimming + Plate = BAD DECISION.


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## rvalle

I used to play a psudo-kender named Ozzl (back in 2e and he made the upgrade to 3.0).

During an adventure when he was 9th level or so he left the party to go and get some rocks from a previous room - to throw though a door way or something. While he was gone a lich showed up and started decimating the party. By the time I get back its only the lich and one party member left... a gnome illusionist/thief. I kick in my ring of flying, sneak up behind the litch and backwack it with my 'perfect weapon for all occasion's - the hoopack and roll a 20. Wohoo!

It not being magical it bounces off the back of the lich's head doing no damage. Ugg. I scan my character sheet... and had nothing. Knowing I didn't hurt it the first time the lich ignores me. 

Ha! I fly up take my new found 7 foot long non-magical cloak (rolled up at the bottom so it won't drag on the ground) and jump on the litches head covering it up. Then I hang on... tightly.

I look at the remaining character and say "Do something!"


Close to that is when we were sneaking up on some pirate/slavers in a hidden cave. We were oh so carefully rowing our small boat up along side their much larger one. It being way to serious, I reach my hand into the water and splash the uptight paladin. Who splashes me back starting a small water fight. 

The rest of the party just about had kittens.

rv


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## Tarangil

I just remembered another one where the Player drank too many beer when playing.

Him and his companion entered the first level of a tower that was sticking out of the ocean.  The room had a large portion of its wall  collapsed allowing the ocean and tide to flood it up to knee level.  Because of the contrast with the bright light and darkness it was hard to see.  _There was also a large portion of the floor which had collapsed to the lower submerged levels that was hard to detect by sight alone._  Player 1 (Salrak) had the good idea and inched into the room probing for any holes, Player 2 (Caius the Drunk) was right behind him.  

 Sal discovered the large hole bisecting the room and told Caius.  They had also startled (on the other side) some Seals that were resting.  The seals fled into the water, with their young behind them.  Raising his morning star and letting out a battle cry Caius decided to charge the fleeing seals to club a few....Did I mention he was also decked out in Banded mail and had a large iron shield??  Needless to say he didn't drink at the gaming table anymore.


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## Hypersmurf

Queen_Dopplepopolis said:
			
		

> In our 1879 Modern Game, somewhere in the American Wild West, I also watched a PC insist to a group of angry Native Americans that they should "Let us go because the Calvary is coming" ... like that's going to stop them from killing us.  Eesh!




Cavalry!

Bloody _cavalry_!

-Hyp.


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## Diremede

I explained to the player that the room he was in had many torture implements and execution devices along with what appeared to be many experimental traps.  Upon scanning the room I explained that on one wall was a hole just large enough that a medium size being could stick their head inside.  Around the bottom of the hole was a black stain that ran to the floor.  

In all seriousness his response was to stick his head in the hole to see if he could see what was on the other side.

I simply replied that there was a bright light.


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## Queen_Dopplepopolis

Hypersmurf said:
			
		

> Cavalry!
> 
> Bloody _cavalry_!
> 
> -Hyp.



 *laughing and shaking head*  My fingers sometimes type things that my brain doesn't tell them to...


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## iwatt

Diremede said:
			
		

> I simply replied that there was a bright light.




ROTFL


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## Greg K

I just recalled another one and it is simply poor roleplaying on the part of the rogue's player.   

The party's physically toughest character, the barbarian, reached into a whole in the wall filled with magical energy and then fell backward onto the floor barely concious.  The player of the rogue, knowing that a failed save throw was what nearly killing the barbarian,  then had his own character reach into the same hole (The DM decided to reward player's metagaming and poor roleplaying by inflicting max damage on the rogue and disallowed a saving throw for the rogue).


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## werk

AD&D 2e

Wizard (last man standing) attacking and intentionally cutting off a Grell tentacle, then trying to use it as a weapon...against the Grell...


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## shilsen

Hypersmurf said:
			
		

> Cavalry!
> 
> Bloody _cavalry_!
> 
> -Hyp.



 See, I noticed it and just assumed it was a convoluted way of saying "Jesus is coming"


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## Hypersmurf

shilsen said:
			
		

> See, I noticed it and just assumed it was a convoluted way of saying "Jesus is coming"




After watching the Lord of the Rings cast commentaries, I wanted to track down Brad Dourif and punch him in the mouth once for every time he talked about Rohan and its 'calvary'.

-Hyp.


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## Elephant

Hypersmurf said:
			
		

> After watching the Lord of the Rings cast commentaries, I wanted to track down Brad Dourif and punch him in the mouth once for every time he talked about Rohan and its 'calvary'.
> 
> -Hyp.




I hate it when people (almost invariably, sigh) confuse the two words.


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## Child of Hypnos

my PCs were supposedly sneaking around a destroyed village full of Emerald claw, 
having just defeated a group whilst taking extreme care to keep it quiet, the parties artificer shouts at the top of his lungs - 'anybody needs healing come over here!'


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## Sledge

How about a party.
The group enters a cavern filled with giant mushrooms.  Shriekers and Purples working in concert.  Fortunately (or so the players think) there is a stream running through the cavern.
After starting to fight their way through the mushrooms, character 1 jumps into the river, in full armour.  Proceeds to get drawn rapidly downstream by the current, but manages to grab onto something halfway through.
Character 2 sees this and jumps in to rescue the 1st character.  Character 2 is also in full armour and gets swept right past character 1.  Character manages to grab on to the lip of the exit tunnel and hangs on for dear life.  Meanwhile some loose gear (read most of their rations iirc) gets swept out of the tunnel.
Character 3 sees all of this and decides to be smart and removes all of his gear, armour and clothes, so none of it can be washed away, and runs (because its faster than swimming) to character 2, so that character 2 can be rescued before loosing his grip.  What character 3 did not count on was that the multitudes of purple mushrooms would be lashing his naked form the entire way.  As I recall character fell unconscious shortly thereafter.
At this point character 4 got out his rope...

The moral of the story is that you should never run naked through the mushrooms.


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## FATDRAGONGAMES

Upon losing the thief in the party, the remaining PCs (sans one) decided the best way to find traps was to toss the gnome PC into each hallway and room to set off any traps this might be there. Needless to say the player running the gnome wasn't wild about this idea. Suprisingly he survived (barely) and earned the title of 'honorary thief'. Looking back I probably should have given him some extra XPs for finding traps...


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## Child of Hypnos

how does a PC setting himself on fire to kill a beetle swarm rate on the stupidity scale?


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## Sigurd

A low level party (3rd I think) was well beyond its depth.

They had entered a sealed tomb, breaking the seals of protection. As the DM I had _told_ them they were powerful seals of protection.
The had gone down the dark stairway. Each step had caused them to quiver in their bones with fear and a sense of dread.
They found the giant sized sarcophagus with terrible images of a lighting wielding monster and warnings of impending doom on all those who open the sarcophagus.
I told them they were too scared by the aura of evil and power to act normally in the room. The Sarcophagus lid was huge, too large for them to lift and it was covered in arcane runes to bind the creature within. There were a grand total of 4 party members.

'Ok, we can't lift it' I take out my hammer and spikes and I'm going to try and break it open.....

They were the best friends, and first meals, that the vampire giant had in decades...


Sigurd

I couldn't exactly repopulate it with a bunny at the last moment.


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## Jürgen Hubert

Queen_Dopplepopolis said:
			
		

> Most of the stupid things I have been a part of or witnessed have been a result of stupid role playing.  For example, I once witnessed a PC attempt to calm a very disturbed crowd that just had their homes destroyed by armies of undead and lizard-men by poly-morphing into the likeness of an individual that (as was well known to the PCs and all of the NPCs) heralded the Apocalypse.
> 
> Needless to say, the world's highest diplomacy check can't put a peasant in a "Happy Place" when they are CERTAIN the end of the world is near.




Why not? After all, if he is _really_ good at diplomacy, he ought to be able to convince them that the end of the world _isn't_ imminent!

If not, then what's extremely high diplomacy for?


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## Dannyalcatraz

Had a dwarf fighter who essentially repeated the parents' scene at the end of *Time Bandits*...

It was an obviously magical altar in an obviously evil temple, and I had him touch it bare handed.

POOOOFFFF!

Another time, another player's wizard hastily erected a Prismatic Sphere to protect the party from the pyrohydra that was bearing down upon them...without accounting for the fact that my female Paladin was NOT within its boundaries.

POOOOFFFF!

I volunteered my CN gnomish Illusionist/Thief, Fast Eddie, to be thrown across an underground chasm with a rope about her waist. 

The oversized Cave Fisher hiding above in the dark critted, caught and crunched her- spaghetti style.

POOOOFFFF! er...SLURP!


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## Kweezil

The PCs have just arrived in a strange extra-dimensional complex, set up as a series of trials to protect the tomb of an anicnet wizard (the Tomb of Stefan d'Amberville from Castle Amber). Their first encounter is a mechanical blue dragon-contruct, which is currently busy knocking the party into next week, in a room where the only other exits appear to go into the elemental planes of fire and air.

*DM-Kweezil: *You're up <tiefling psychic warrior>.
*<tiefling psychic warrior>:* I _dimensional slide _into the elemental plane of fire.
*The rest of the players:* O__O?

To this day, I've no idea why he did it. He said something about thinking that his racial fire resistance would protect him. Maybe the mechanical dragon was so scarey that he decided to immolate himself rather than fight (they beat it the next round, when they realised it was massively vulnerable to water, and turned a decanter of endless water on it).


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## Inconsequenti-AL

In the group I play in had a collective brain fart a while ago... Forgot to buff up before a fight with some psionic gith(yanki?). At 17th level with nearly 2 years playing that campaign... Was meant to be a 'speedbump' encounter and came 'this close' to a tpk. 


As a GM - paladin character falls out of a boat and into a lake, can't swim very well in all that armour... The other PCs are trying to drag him out, when they see a giant turtle moving beneath them. The party psion says: "I'll distract it, you save the paladin." Rather than using any of his vast array of mental spells, the player decides to jump into the lake and "I'll polymorph into a giant, tasty looking salmon". Bite + Swallow whole.

Same player, Shadowrun - running through the Universal Brotherhood series. Short version - fighting a bunch of evil giant magical insects that (sort of) hatch eggs inside people. On finding out about them, he decides to walk into their base and cut a deal... Hmmm.

And again, same guy - playing Deadlands - got talking to a demon, then started asking it for help - in return for which he will offer it 'unspecified favours at a later date'. Like that's going to end well?


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## Dannyalcatraz

Had a whole high-level D&D party do the same bargaining thing with Asmodeus...no, it doesn't end well.


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## Rockwolf66

Ok, Party member Decides to get the Wilf Elf Barbarian Drunk. One blackout latter...it seems that she accidentally hit him a couple of times and he gets knocked out the second story window. Just don't ask about the landing.


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## Kae'Yoss

Always bear in mind that playing D&D, or any RPG, for the first time, might overwhelm people so much that they can't detect sarcasm any more.

We had a couple of new players in the party. One of them played the typical dwarf - a lot of metal protecting him. We were on a ship and saw a hyrda approaching, obviously attacking. The dwarf states his intention to jump on that thing and attack. We stop him, telling him that he won't make that jumb yet, that there's no footing, no handy battle platforms and such, on a slippery hydra, and that his armour will drag him down in no time. He doesn't jump in after all, and we fight - and kill - the beast.

Afterwards, I say jokingly: "Hey, dwarf, why don't you jump in and look if it has any treasures with it" to tease him about his jumping idea. 

And he jumps.



			
				Mallus said:
			
		

> That's brilliant!
> 
> When players come up with something like that I (usually) run with it. It would have been a terrific challenge to improvise up some 'evil math' with which to carry out the conversation.




Lots of equations adding up to 666?



			
				Dannyalcatraz said:
			
		

> Jumped on a DBF thinking that the glowing stone it left behind was a magical jewel.




A what? DragonBellied Fox?



> Charged a sleeping HARD at 1st level.




HARD-what? HARD-A.S.S?


----------



## crystal

lol, I was in a small room barging with a meige, and I almost had him, when suddleny one of my companions comes rushing into tha room, sees me and this meige. and without thinking he cast Ice storm. Mind you this room was only like 10 x 10. We all froze. Killed tha meige, me, my familure, and my companion....Lol, dumb ass......


----------



## FATDRAGONGAMES

We had this Cthulhu game about 20 years ago. During a game one of the guys miscopied the address of these cultist and our party went to the wrong house. The GM kept asking him if he was sure he had the info correct, which he insisted he did. The group of PCs barged into this house, strung the butler up in a tree, tortured the people inside, etc. demanding to know where the cult was meeting that night. All the while it was the house next door (which was determined after all of the NPCs had assumed room temperature. Not our finest moment...


----------



## Richards

DBF = _delayed blast fireball_.  Not sure off the top of my head what HARD stands for, though.

Johnathan


----------



## Patryn of Elvenshae

Huge-A-Red-Dragon?


----------



## shilsen

crystal said:
			
		

> lol, I was in a small room barging with a meige, and I almost had him, when suddleny one of my companions comes rushing into tha room, sees me and this meige. and without thinking he cast Ice storm. Mind you this room was only like 10 x 10. We all froze. Killed tha meige, me, my familure, and my companion....Lol, dumb ass......



 I've been on these boards for a few years now and those have to be the strangest spellings for 'mage' and 'familiar' that I've ever seen!


----------



## Rhun

Richards said:
			
		

> Not sure off the top of my head what HARD stands for, though.





Huge Ancient Red Dragon. 


Stupidest thing a player has done lately: His slight of build, elven rogue is flush with success after backstabbing and killing one of the many ogres in the room. The rest of the party has engaged the remaining ogres, when a moment later a huge, axe-wielding giant enters the chamber. The rogue charges the giant with his handy sickle, and one attack roll later his head goes rolling across the ground as the giant slays him in a single hit.


----------



## Hypersmurf

Rhun said:
			
		

> ... when a moment later a huge, axe-wielding giant*..




* or 'HAWG'

-Hyp.


----------



## Dannyalcatraz

HARD does indeed = Huge Ancient Red Dragon

I like HAWG, too!

Hmmm...any other acronyms for typical monsters out there?

DRIP = Drow Ranger In Print?


----------



## Yami no Hon

This one was sort of a group effort of the entire party.

Step 1: Kill the minatour in its labrynth.  In the process, we glued one of the fighters to the minators chest when she rolled a critical miss on her attack roll with a tanglefoot bag.  This was in a 10 foot wide coridor, so the only other charcter in melee range who would stand a chance was my fire elemental.  

Step 2: The party necromancer collects the body so she can bring it back to life later as her own pet.

Step 3: While attempting to infiltrate the BBEG's hide out, we gave the minatour's body to the BBEG in an attempt to convince him that we were on his side, not the adventurer's who had been giving him so much trouble, no sir, we are deffinatly not adventurer's, no not us.  Needless to say we got found out, stripped of our equiptment and tossed in jail.  Well the kobald theif did escape, but the thing is BBEG was the priest of an evil god, and we had spent the past several sessions fighting zombies that he had raised.

Step 4: We fought our way out of the jail, with most of our spells already spent, and only one dagger between the six of us.  We fought our way out past the BBEG's 2nd in command, two human zombies, and, of course, the minatour zombie.


----------



## Jürgen Hubert

Dannyalcatraz said:
			
		

> HARD does indeed = Huge Ancient Red Dragon




But Ancient Red Dragons aren't Huge - they are Gargantuan!


----------



## fiddlerjones

ACRONYM

Advanced
Colossal
Raging
Otyugh
Naively
Yearning for
Mayhem?


----------



## Kae'Yoss

Hypersmurf said:
			
		

> * or 'HAWG'
> 
> -Hyp.




Bad luck it was no huge, axe-wielding troll. They're HAWT    

But I prefer a RAHKY*


* 



Spoiler



Raging, Acronym-Hating Kae'Yoss. Come on, people. It's bad enough over in the Wizards Minis boards, with all the LSD, GMA, SHZ, WDZ, whatever. Don't pick up that habit.


----------



## DungeonmasterCal

Oh...where do I start?

Killing a gnoll guard and skinning it to make a disguise in order to sneak into the gnoll chieftan's tent and kill him.  Did not work.

Jumping into a Sphere of Annihilation to save a comrade (not knowing what it was.  That one was me).

In a last ditch effort to unlock the secrets of a huge stone sarcophagus, player snuffs the only light source to "see what would happen".  (Again, me).

Player crawls into a tiny hole at the base of a wall because his torch revealed twinkling, glittering "gem like" points of light.  Player is eaten alive by rats as the block slides back in place and trapping him after he worms his way in.

An ostensibly good priest makes a concoction to ease the suffering of a lizardman being held prisoner and being interrogated by fellow, somewhat less than good PC's.  The player had no ranks in alchemy or brewing or cooking or ANYTHING useful for this, and the lizardman died of poisoning.  This still comes up, with the player's cleric being referred to as The Sinister Minister and the Deacon of D-Con.

Oh...it could go on all day...


----------



## PatrickLawinger

Hmmm, okay, the funniest gaming session I have ever had (okay, there are a few others but this is the most recent) was about 2 years ago. The full description would take a lot of space, let's just say "mage on a rope" still brings laughter from that group.

Long story as short as possible; the party comes upon goblins excavating an ancient temple deep in a cliff-enclosed "ravine"  for lack of a better term. Now, they wisely try to avoid a frontal assault on the only easy way down.

The beginning of the plan starts with the player of the Wizard PC, "Okay, we lower the wizard about half way down on a rope..." Basically, he was trying to get within sleep spell distance of some goblin guards. Mind you, this is coming from experienced, skilled players. The plan got better and, of course, everything hit the fan pretty fast.

First the PCs lower down the rogue (who actually makes it down 150 ft. without getting spotted). THEN, they pull back up the rope (they didn't have enough to lower down the mage.

Step 1; Strand the rogue, alone, in a deep cliff-enclosed area with a minimum of 15 goblins that you have counted, probably more.

Step 2: suspend the wizard on a rope about 50 ft above two goblin guards to cast a sleep spell. Spell is only half successful. wizard is spotted alarm goes up.

Step 3: Goblins start spotting everyone above on the cliffs and start firing arrows while others charge out of the ravine to attack them on the cliff. meanwhile the big tough types are holding onto the rope (remember the wizard).

Step 4: Rogue get's spotted, runs into the area the goblins were guarding against, discovers why, charges back through and dives into a pool of water intending to stay under for protection (it works, I don't think I hit him a single time...)

Step 2.5 or so: cleric in heavy armor and with a low strength score decides to go around to the other side, he takes a short cut that involves jumping over a 7 ft. gap. rolls a 1. Makes the reflex save I pull out of the air and is left clinging to the cliff on the other side.

Step 3.5 (yeah, this was going on while the other stuff was). Second party cleric goes to help, does she go all the way around? Nope, tries to make the same jump, heavy armor, LOWER strength score, no running start... 2 clerics clinging to the cliff wall screaming for help. (oh, 0 ranks in Jump for both of them).

So yes, we have two fighter-types holding a rope, wizard is on the rope, rogue is under water beginning to think about the after-life, 2 clerics are clinging to a cliff 150 ft. above the ground screaming for help.

Worst part is, I was rolling so badly that I couldn't even kill anyone. I did get a few blows in, but really, my rolls were pathetic. I don't think the rogue ever got hit.

The brief description doesn't really do it justice. Let's just say that at one point everyone was laughing so hard that people had tears streaming down their faces and we had to take a 15 minute break just to calm down.


----------



## Bloodstone Press

1. PC is wandering through a forest in the fall. The PC is told "it hasn't rained in quite a while  and the forest floor is covered with dry leaves."

2. The PC catches on fire (breathed on by a monstrous dragon fly)

3. PC Stops, Drops, and Rolls... in the leaves...


----------



## Dannyalcatraz

> But Ancient Red Dragons aren't Huge - they are Gargantuan!




Ah, the innocence of youth!

In 1Ed, they were Huge.

And they were Big in Japan (often stopping at Budokan)!


----------



## Lalalei2001

Here's a new one.

Player cast a water spell in a crowded elevator.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Another player had the gall to say 'HASTUR HASTUR.'


----------



## Dannyalcatraz

I did that, except it may have been Asmodeus or Orcus I called.

Eh...the PC was young and dumb and full of...damnation.


----------



## Evilhalfling

CoC - cultists are about to sacrifice a cow on an alter - 
We shoot the cow! 

same game, we know bad stuff happens at night, we know someone was killed for helping a girl .  We put the girl on a train with one of the two characters who have guns.  We tell the character to get off the train at a later stop and come back before nightfall.  
They actually do so.


----------



## radferth

While camping out near the evil, bad-guy's lair, the elven mage in the party decides he will read by the light of his continual light spell while the others sleep.  The party is ambushed and nearly killed by enemies who had the benefit of seeing the party clearly in the light.  This may not sound so bad, except that the exact same thing had happened the previous session with a different group of bad guys.


----------



## sniffles

I love this story, even though I wasn't present to witness it:
Party falls through a hole and plunges into a subterranean lake about 30 feet below. Player wants to know if his character can tie a rope to his quarterstaff and fling it back up through the hole - 30 feet, remember? - while he's floating in the water.   

Story 2 (I missed this one also!!): 
Our party is pursuing a forest drake to rescue a woman it kidnapped. Woman came from a different party that just killed the drake's mate. Our party's cleric/sorcerer/marshal with lots of ranks in Diplomacy tries to persuade the drake to hand over the woman, but the player kept choosing to make reference to the drake's dead mate when he spoke, so the GM ruled that this didn't make the drake any friendlier toward the speaker and it attacked us. Then this same player had his PC - low HP, low AC, low BAB  - run up and cast a touch spell on the drake. 

I actually witnessed this one!   :
In a Champions campaign, my PC had been knocked out and captured by thugs. One thug held a gun to my head and announced, "If anyone moves, I'll shoot". Our team's Batman-wannabe (played by the same player as in example #1), when asked for his action that segment, announced that he would "take one step forward to reduce the range penalty". So the thug shot my PC in the head.


----------



## Kwitchit

fiddlerjones said:
			
		

> ACRONYM
> 
> Advanced
> Colossal
> Raging
> Otyugh
> Naively
> Yearning for
> Mayhem?



ULTIMATE PARTY KILL
Undead
Level-Draining
Tarrasque
Is
Munching
A
Town's
Entire

Population.
A
Roguish
Tavern-keeper
Yodels

"Kill
It
Lazy
Lummoxes"


----------



## Sejs

Mallus said:
			
		

> When players come up with something like that I (usually) run with it. It would have been a terrific challenge to improvise up some 'evil math' with which to carry out the conversation.





Everything's done in base square root of -1.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Got a new one...

During a World War 2 game, the players got captured by Nazis and brought before Hitler.

Player: I punch Hitler right in the you-know-where.

GM: Alright. Do you have a new character worked out?


----------



## STARP_JVP

OK. I think I can make a sizable contribution here. There's this one player in my group...well, see for yourself. Here are some samples of his handiwork.

Using a _flame strike_ spell while me and another PC are in melee range of his target.

Using a _summon swarm_ spell (I forget why, but it wasn't necessary by any means) and then using a _gust of wind_ to disperse the swarm. The swarm had attacked my friend the cleric who was inside her tent. When Sir Isaac used the _gust of wind_, it blew the tent fifty feet backwards into a tree, with the cleric still inside. A moment later she emerged and said a striong of very un-holy words before climbing down the tree.

While about 7th level, the PCs encountered a Pit Fiend. Now, there was _no way_ they were going to win that fight - the idea was that the pit fiend filled a story role, and wasn't a combatant. The pit fiend didn't even take notice of the PCs' presence - they were, after all, like ants to him. All this was, of course, until Mozart says "I hit it with my greataxe." I was in a charitable mood so I said that the pit fiend still ignored him after the axe bounced off him, but had I been feeling more malicious I would have beaten the living snot out of him.

This same PC had a habit of going after the low-level minions while his less-combat-oriented PCs got spanked when they went up again the various bosses. As a result, John Nash would then boast "I got fifteen!" to which his companions would say "Great. We got one, between us, and he beat the crap out of us. You're a real big hero."

The one time this guy did go up against a boss, he regretted it. In the same adventure as the pit fiend incident, an ice devil showed up. This is a CR 13 creature. Like the pit fiend, it was there to serve a story purpose - ie. eating the town. The smart and intended thing for the PCs to do was to find the source of the demon invasion and stop it. Hawking decided to go after the ice devil. This one didn't ignore him, and he's bloody lucky he passed his massive damage save, that's all I can say.

Einstein had only a passing role in this one, but it's still funny. Einstein was pretending to be a great general in order to drum up support for the resistance. The great "General Toth" was to be the face of the struggle against oppression. Which is fine. However, the effect was rather spoiled when, after apprehended some prisoners, the party's mage said "General Toth, would you guard these prisoners?", thereby alerting the prisoners, whom they released, that the great "General Toth" was anything but the leader.

When fighting a large (or possible Huge) snake, Asimov decides to kill it by jumping on its back and covering its eyes, meaning a screaming warrior is dragged by a blinded snake (which doesn't really affect it much anyway) through a dungeon hollering for help.

In the same campaign, Kasparov has a mount which is, I swear to god, a bird, which we all referred to as "Big Bird". We are fighting some dudes, many of whom are several hundred feet away. We're all mounted on horses, but Sherlock decides to fly on ahead on big bird. He lands in front of the guys three rounds before we get there - and, as he's outnumbered five to one, gets resoundly pummelled and has to meekly ask for our assistance.

But, for true unadulterated gormlessness, this story takes the cake.
We are in a city, looking for the person or persons who captured the DMPC, our friend (we actually like this DMPC. I know - we're weird). Anyway, I managed to locate someone who was the go-between between thugs and clients, and I was pretty sure I could get him to talk. Unfortunately, while I was tailing him, he spotted me and ran. Sounds like an exciting chase? Well, it was. I ran after him for a bit but started to fail my Con checks, so I dropped out. Wittgenstein decides to continue the chase, and he catches up to the guy, but not before the guy finds some local watchmen and says "help". So the watchmen protect the guy and, swords out, tell Socrates to lower his weapon. At this point, I arrive, having cried "stop thief" before, hoping the guards would take the guy, as had just happened.
This was my plan. As a bard (well, a sort of bard. Lone Wolf Sage of Lyris, actually) I was a skilled talker, and my plan, which I think was a good one, was to persuade the guards to turn the "thief" over to me, where I would deal with him myself. This had a reasonable chance of success. Unfortunately, Plato got in the way. He still had his sword out, and the guards did too. Everything would have been alright if he'd just dropped his weapon, as I had done, and let me handle it. The PC had the power to _shatter_ stuff.
Me: Dude, just drop it.
Sartre: I _shatter_ their swords.
The room exploded into cries of "No!" and people clutching their heads, banging heads on the floor, etc. The DM just stared, mouth open, at the new winner of the Big Dumb White Guy pageant. Finally, after five minutes of hysterics, he did the combat - which resulted in da Vinci standing in a pile of dead guards - with ten more on the way. He was dragged off to the stockade and hanged for his crime, and all of us merely said "What's for lunch?"

This player is best summed up in the following actual exchange. An NPC informed the players of the presence of mind flayers. Then:
Pythagorus (alarmed): Mind Flayers?
Another PC: Relax. You're quite safe.

We now have awards for this kind of behaviour. This guy wins every time.


----------



## STARP_JVP

Oh, I forgot one. 
I forgot to mention the time we were playing _Hunter: The Reckoning_ and had to get inside the house of a vampire to, you know, do what you do to 'em. His solution was to steal a single-engine prop and, in his own words "9/11 the f*cker."

Those of you familiar with the system will understand that the only mitigating circumstance here was that he was playing a Wayward, for which that sort of behaviour is standard.


----------



## (Psi)SeveredHead

The players were trying to get into Mexico by van, but some of them were slightly wanted by law enforcement authorities for questioning, but not for crimes. One of them (a Russian immigrant) had killed a crooked cop in self defense, and really wanted to avoid cops. The cops, of course, really hated him, but he wasn't found guilty of anything. The PCs split up into two vans, with the wanted guys (a hitman, martial artist and Russian ex-soldier) in one van and the weapons in the other.

The second van got through no problem - they got this low-level customs agent who would accept bribes, too.

The second group ran into a high-level customs agent with lots of Sense Motive and Spot. The ex-soldier stayed in the van while the martail artist and hitman went to speak with the customs agent, who was suspicious of their van - he was going to search it for contraband. The hitman has a low Charisma, no Bluff skill but high Sleight of Hand. He tried to feed the customs agent a line of BS but the agent wouldn't accept it. (Bluff -1 vs Sense Motive +13.  ) On the other hand, the customs agent had no evidence to hold them, so he had to let them go anyway. However, he was very suspicious of these PCs, and obviously would be alert around them.

Suddenly the hitman decided he wanted a genuine customs agent badge. This came out of the blue, and prompted much disapproval from all of the other players. Nonetheless he figured he could pull it off. Nope. The customs agent saw him. The hitman offered a bribe - now the customs agent was even more offended. Finally, he drew the _customs agent's gun_ and held it at him. This prompted the security guards watching through the closed-circuit TV camera to call in the Special Response Team aka the SWAT team.

Two players vs a SWAT team. They lost. They spent their time in prison while the rest of teh adventurers did their thing in Mexico (and got XP for that, too).


----------



## Lalalei2001

LOL! That' the best one yet!


----------



## taran

Ok, I've got one. This is from a Technomancer game: upbeat urban fantasy, more or less.

The PCs are tracking an Atomic Lich. They've clashed with it once, it has far more magic than it should, and now it wants to kill them. They know where its base is, so they divert it with rumors of their presence in a different city and break in.

They get past all the traps and guardians, finally reaching a vast circular chamber with dozens of heads lining the walls, linked up by mana conduits to an evil-altar looking thing in the center of the room. The heads continuously scream with agony. Most of the party is all for destroying it. The Technomage has a different idea.

Technomage: "Don't you get it? The heads are still alive! The lich so strong because he's been doing ritual magic with them. If you put me into it, I can take it over and use it against him!"

The rest of the party talked it over, and concluded that it couldn't hurt. The "us" was left politely unsaid. They decapitated the technomage and used a necromantic ritual they'd found elsewhere in the complex to attach him to one of the unused sections of the wall.

Me: You become magically aware of the other heads in the artifact. Then you feel Zadkiel (the lich) peering into your mind. You feel that he has learned where you are, and is now preparing a necromantic spell of some kind.
Technomage (mouthing the words to his party members): Get...the...#*$!...out...

Lots of escaping later, the atomic lich learned some new spells from the desiccated husk that was once the technomage's soul. The rest of the team returned their fee and fled the country.


----------



## Hodgie

(Psi)SeveredHead said:
			
		

> The players were trying to get into Mexico by van, but some of them were slightly wanted by law enforcement authorities for questioning, but not for crimes.



This is so much cooler because it is the players and note some stinkin characters! I vote this one wins.


----------



## Justin Bacon

This is the tale of two game sessions which probably qualify as my worst gaming experience ever. Ever. I was the DM. The highlights of the party's actions include:

- Discovering a "To Do" list which consisted of: "<name>", "Diary", "Travel Logs", and "Potatoes"; concluding that this must mean that <name> is going to be assassinated (what?); and spending two days keeping a secret watch over him to prevent the assassination.

- They eventually conclude that the person the "To Do" list belonged to was probably not going to assassinate <name> (particularly since they had been hired to *find* the person the list belonged to). They then conclude (conrrectly) that they should go and talk to <name> to find out if he spoke with the guy they were trying to find.

- But rather than simply talking to him, they approach him under the guise of hiring him for some fake business. Not a bad plan...

- ...except they decide to execute it by hiring a DIFFERENT person for their fake business in the hopes that this will elicit <name>'s attention. It doesn't.

- So they go to him and ask him if he's concerned that they've hired his competitor to do their fake business with. He's not.

- And thus, having never asked him about the guy they're trying to find, they conclude that he must not know anything about the guy they're trying to find. (They proceed to spend a couple of days turning the fake business they invented for their pointless ruse into real business, just to make sure their "tracks are covered".)

- They are attacked by an assassin who shoots one of them with a dart reading, "One day to live." They all correctly interpret this as a threat: That the guy hit with the dart will be killed within the day. So, that night, they decide to take safety in numbers. They all stay together in the common room of their inn... except the guy who was hit by the dart. He goes upstairs, by himself, and falls asleep. No one goes with him. He gets killed in his sleep after failing a Listen check. They are all shocked that this could have happened. (What makes this funnier is that the PC was a wizard whose familiar could have kept watch... except that he *explicitly* had his familiar drink itself into unconsciousness before going upstairs to bed.)

- They then concluded that the guy they had been hired to find MUST have been the one to kill their companion. (After all, he'd been plotting to kill <name>! He must be guilty!)

- The next day, the entire party is ambushed by six assassins. They kill the assassins and search five of the bodies. They decide _not_ to search the body of the assassin who threw the dart at them the day before. Despite the fact that they've correctly identified this assassin as the leader of the group. (They just got bored of searching bodies.)

- I'm forced to intervene at this point because between these shenanigans and other, lesser shenanigans, they would have successfully managed to miss or ignore all the clues in the adventure. So slip of paper they would have found on the leader of the assassins is instead found on one of the other assassins. The slip of paper includes an address, today's date, and a time.

- They decide to investigate the address... but they wait until two hours AFTER the time shown on the slip of paper. (Thereby missing the meeting they were supposed to observe.) 

- After seeing nothing out of the ordinary, they put the tavern under watch... for a couple of hours. Then they get bored and go back to their inn.

- The entire party goes back to the tavern the next morning, finding it closed. They break in and ambush the barkeep, attempting to murder him in his sleep. The bar was named the Old Adventurer's Tavern. The barkeep, who is a former adventurer as advertised, grabs his two-handed sword and proceeds to gut their fighter.

- The rest of the group escapes and hide in an abandoned warehouse (which they had purchased as part of their plan to make their fake business a reality). They have no way to raise their comrade (having already gone deeply into debt to get the wizard raised), so they dump his body in the corner.

- I take pity on them once again. The new character for the player of the fighter is introduced: He's actually got his own reasons to be suspicious of the character the PCs _would_ have noticed at the tavern if they had bothered to show up on time, so he's been keeping him under observation for awhile. He saw him hire the assassins, but he only just managed to track the PCs down to this warehouse they recently purchased!

- "Ah ha!" they say. "We should tail this guy! He'll lead us back to his base and we'll probably find the guy we're looking for there!" And you know what? They're absolutely right! Hooray! All they've got to do is tail this guy back to his hideout and then we'll have a fairly straight-forward dungeon crawl and we'll get out of this adventure.

- So they tail him. The tailing sequence is scripted: He visits three locations (which become important later in the campaign if the PCs follow-up and investigate them) and then heads to his hide-out. The PCs tail him to the three locations and then, as he's leaving the third one, one of the PCs walks up to him and guts him with his sword.

...

I kid you not.

The pain continued for a few more hours as I tried to find various ways to stop the campaign from turning into a shipwreck before it even begun, while the players found all kinds of ingenious ways to shoot themselves in the foot over and over and over again. And then we have the big wrap-up to the comedy of errors:

- The halfling rogue, injured and down to 1 hit point, crosses paths with the cultists as they're kidnapping another person. (This was contrived, but it was another attempt to give them a lead after they had exhausted the dozens of legitimate leads in the adventure.) He's following them back to their hideout. Yay again! We can see the finish line! 

- He decides to shoot his crossbow at them... Sonuvabitch. One 1st level rogue with 1 hit point vs. 6 cultists. Even I can't torque that one into something workable.

- So... uhh... they're looking for sacrifices. Yeah, that's it. So they revive him INSIDE THIER HIDEOUT. Brilliant. And there's the guy he's looking for! They're both trussed up right in front of the blood-stained altar!

- So he escapes his bonds (as I knew he would) and he frees the guy they've been trying to save... and then he stuffs him into the hollow altar. "Stay here, I'll be back with help!"

Boggles the freakin' mind.

He does manage to escape (barely) and alerts the city guard, who completes the dungeon crawl portion of the dungeon for the PCs while they stand around outside the lair.

Justin Alexander Bacon
http://www.thealexandrian.net


----------



## Bibamus

Bacon, that is the most horrifying story that I have ever read.  You win, hands down.  However, I will post my story just for the sake of it.  

Shadowrun, 3rd ed. 
Seattle, September 25th 2057
An NPC has completed a data-run on Ares and stolen some very hot, very nice (unspecified) program.  The Street Sam (myself), the Merc, and the Mage are called to protect him until he can be safely extradited to Tir Tairngire.  After taking out a helicopter with a hand greande (just don't ask), we hightail it to the Merc's hidey-hole in the Barrens.  We arrive and payment is then discussed.  The Street Sam and Mage take money, but the Merc decides to take a copy of the program.  Fair enough, might be some really cool ICE.  After the run is successfully completed, he lets it be known PUBLICLY that he has a copy of Ares' latest software.  After a short discussion in the hallway with the Mage (who was the experienced GM and the current was literally a virgin GM), the GM has a potential buyer contact the Merc with an offer and a meeting in a restaurant's back room for exchange.  The Merc duly arrives and walks straight into the back room.  His last thought is, "Why is everything lined in plastic?" 

A suitable end, and one that might deserve a place in the CLUE file.  I still claim that Bacon wins the thread with PCs who couldn't take hints if applied with tac-nukes.


----------



## STARP_JVP

Another player I used to know did some fairly dim things as well. Notably:

* In a Vampire game, the group were on the tail of another vampire group who were devout Catholics in Paris. This player assumed that because of this, they 'obviously' hung out at Notre Dame cathedral. As the GM pointed out later, even if the group HAD hung out around a cathedral, there are HUNDREDS of cathedrals in Paris - why would it be Notre Dame? The worst part about this is that NONE of the other players argued the point, and they all ended up staking out a cathedral for no reason.

*In a Shadowrun game, the player decided he needed a LinguaSoft, so he got one installed. Installing Cyberware takes weeks, and he did this right in the middle of a mission, putting himself out of action for two whole sessions. And WE had to go help his colleague who got herself in trouble because he couldn't act.

Another player I had doesn't normally do dumb things, but he has this constant habit of hitting other PCs whenever they so much as touch his character, In one adventure, I used a sleep spell on him, and after he failed his safe he attacked me with lethal force and nearly killed me (my character, not me). Another time, the PCs were caught inside a burning building. Rather than run, he stayed to fight, and when another PC tried to push him out of the way, he drew his weapon and attacked the guy, killing him, and he STILL got killed by the fire. If he'd just let the guy go past there wouldn't have been a problem, but he wasn't (and still isn't) capable of letting his character be injured. Even when I'm the one doing the injury as a DM, he will NEVER withdraw from a fight, even if he's hopelessly outmatched, until whatever hurt him is dead.


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## Baramay

Boy, I hope the player who did this does not read this. lol  I was running a group through GDW's Dangerous Journeys.  Yes, what Gary Gygax right after DnD.  The adventure was low magic set in the England area.  Farms were suffering blight and people were moving away, or selling their land but then turning around and working on the same property.  The villians were a witch's coven ploting to swindle the land away.  There were two players investigating.  They both had to get jobs.  The one was hired on as the blacksmith's apprentice because he was strong.  The other was hired to work on a farm.  Once they started to ask alot of question the coven decided to scare them off with a fake book on devil worship will many illustrations.  The book was planted on the farm under a barrel.  As the player drew the water the barrel's cant increased slightly.  He began to investigate.   The barrel had show marks in the dirt that it had been moved recently.  He checked inside the barrel-tar on wood.  He checked outside.  He traced back the barrels path to where it originally came from-under the edge of the barn.  He summoned up his nerve and tasted the water-brackish.  Finally he started to empty the barrel.  As he did it the cant slightly increased-he stopped in wonder.  The other player looked as if he was having an epileptic seizure.  He had his hands clamped over his mouth stiffling his ability to say anything and shaking back and forth.  This was torture to him since his character was not there.  I showed the player using a prop, one of those metal football wastecans.  I tilted it so the one side was about two inches off the ground.  Still the player was confused.  He decided to return the barrel to the barn so he would not get blamed for moving it.  Lo and behold a book was under the barrel.  To add the icing to the cake.  He started to peruse the book.  Not wanting to get caught with it on the farm and thinking the farmer could be involved.  He started walking to town at dusk to meet up with his friend.  Curiousity took over and he sat down to read the book on the edge of town, just minutes before the sheriff was making his rounds.  The sheriff asked what he was reading and I think he tried to hide the book or proclaimed he had just found it and started to show the sheriff.  Well, that caused him to be thrown in jail.  Afterward he told me that Dangerous Journeys was a terrible world.  I had not realized how dangerous they could be.


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## Baramay

I have to say Athas provided the best atmosphere for foolish play.  It was our start to playing and the three of us each made up three characters.  Play started with us being slaves in a huge rolling prison being taken to Tyr to work ourselves to death building a ziggurat for the insane sorcerer king.  Elves attacked and the massive building stopped.  The three of us worked together to free ourselves of the restraints.  We chose not to free anyone else.  (Athas has two suns and in the open desert the most precious commodity is water.)  We waited until the fighting had stopped for a while to go topside.  After searching for a while we found some hidden water,one waterskin each.  All weapons and armor had been stripped from the dead by the elves.  As we were enjoying our find, desert raiders can upon us and demanded our water.  They had patchwork leather armor and broken weapons(basically not quite as good as a non-broken), if memory serves me correctly there were about six of them.  Not wanting to gamble my new found freedom, I tossed the open waterskin across the floor.  The raiders scuttled after it not wanting to lose a precious drop.  I ran out the door.  Another character feeling this was the way to go did the same with the same result.  The third guy, I can only guess, felt confident in his high strength or the fact that we were 3rd level.  He turned wild-eyed and challenged the raiders.  Later we found him in a pool of his own blood.  Fortunately for him rounds were longer at that time and thus it took longer to die.  What happened next is was not stupid but it was funny so I will include it here.  He went to get a view from a high vantage point, in doing so we saw a lush area of plants and water in the distance.  Since I was stronger I was carrying the wounded guy and the other player ran to get water.  As he entered the oasis the plants wrapped around him and started to drain his blood.  I heard his scream and ran to help.  When I saw what was happening, I asked the DM what my chances of getting in without getting attacked would be.  He had me roll an intelligence check and succeeding he told me "almost impossible."  I picked up a flower, tossed towards the struggling ally and said goodbye old friend.  Later that night as I was helping the conscious but helpless injured guy across the desert, a huge snake with eyes of a fly appeared.  I dropped the injured guy to run.  The snake proceeded to fanged him and carry him off into the night.  From then on my character chose the path of survivor and is still alive today.   

I now feel the need to include my own stupid act.  Funny how it is harder to remember ones own fauz pas.    Recently, as a matter of fact, we were told that a business in the city was owned by an ogre and a sign in front read "elves and halflings will be axed on sight."  The person who told us about it also said he was keeping the fact a secret from an elven epic friend. A short time later we had asked the elf to help us on a diplomatic mission.  While traveling to our destination, I was at a loss for conversation so I blurted out "what do you think of that place with the elves will be axed sign?"  I quickly realized my blunder but she would not let it drop until I told her everything.  I think subconsciously my love of elves wanted these racists dead.  Of course, everyone has an excuse.    In the end she sent us to the place polymorphed into elves.  We beat them up but did not kill anyone.  In the end we could only hope that being defeated by those of the pointed ear was embarassing enough to change them.


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## Edena_of_Neith

PatrickLawinger, very funny!  
  Bacon, the situation you described takes the cake.  There are words in the language to describe the actions of the PCs, but none of them can be uttered on ENWorld.


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## Lonely Tylenol

Okay, here's my contribution:

I was running a game for a bunch of players I didn't know very well, and they entered a dungeon that was essentially the ruins of an ancient high-magic-tech civilization.  Lots of old 50s style control panels with lots of coloured buttons and gauges and stuff, but all related to magical tech.  They were there performing a brief exploratory mission to recover some mcguffin for a patron.  They entered, discovered the mcguffin without too much trouble, and then left, having explored the entire area except one small part of the complex that they discovered was the home of a group of kobolds.

Now, two of the players decided that they needed to lay claim to all the treasure that these kobolds must be hoarding.  The kobolds hadn't bothered them yet, but they decided to march in there and kill the lot of them for lots of phat loot and XPs.  The party rogue had decided he didn't want to pick on a bunch of kobolds for no reason, and left along with the cleric and the psion.  The two players left behind, a fighter and a ranger, were both dead set on raiding the kobold lair.

If you know anything about kobolds, you know they like to set traps.  They're very good at it, too.  So their lair was peppered with falling-block traps, poison needle traps, acid spray traps, etc.  Lots of low-CR traps that added up to a minefield.  Again, the rogue had left already.

I figured that after one or two traps, they'd decide they couldn't handle it and leave.  But nooo...after a few darts and falling bricks, they licked their wounds and kept going.  They heard scrabbling feet as the kobolds ran around in tunnels in the walls, and snickering each time they set off a trap, which seemed to make them even more determined.  They couldn't open any of the locked metal doors to get at the kobolds, but it didn't seem to occur to them that this was an unbeatable roadblock to their plans.  At one point a hole opened in the wall, and they could hear kobolds on the other side.  One character stuck his masterwork longsword through, and a group of kobolds, awaiting this, grabbed it and yanked, tearing it out of his hand and through the hole.  By this point, most of the secondary saves for the poisons were kicking in, and they decided to go with the better part of valour and get out of there.

So, to the amusement of the rest of the party, the two escaped the kobold lair, not having laid eyes on a single kobold, down about 20 points of Str and Dex between them, barely able to stand from the poison, and missing a masterwork longsword.


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## Lalalei2001

Never ever bother a sleeping dragon, as my party's mage found out the hard way.


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## Edena_of_Neith

That reminds me of the long ago article about Tucker's Kobolds, Dr. Awkward.


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## cignus_pfaccari

A while back, in our Eberron game, a player who's usually very tactically astute made a bone-headed mistake.

We were going into an old Cannith facility per our Johnson's request.  We were going into what we knew was an office complex, or at least had been at one point.  The spirit shaman/marshal decided that he would walk down the hall, past unopened doors, to get into the office.  Obviously, a clear violation of procedure.

So, the door he's nearing opens and a quartet of undead come forth.  The fighter and ranger advance to support.  The off-the-cuff plan is to hold them in the hallway and have fire support from the wizard and arcane trickster.  Not a terribly great plan, given that the undead explode when you kill them, but such is a melee character's lot in life, right?

Then one of the side doors opens, with another quartet of undead, and we're cut off from the casters.

Many rounds later, the spirit shaman/marshal is dead, having been exploded on one too many times.  The initial mistake that he made was compounded by the fighter (me) going up to support rather than having the spirit shaman/marshal fall back.

Brad


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## Lalalei2001

Another short-lived mage casted a lightning spell in a pool.


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## Dannyalcatraz

Was that a high level mage?

In a campaign played in Dallas?


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## Lalalei2001

Yeah. Why?


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## Rev. Jesse

Justin Bacon said:
			
		

> - Discovering a "To Do" list which consisted of: "<name>", "Diary", "Travel Logs", and "Potatoes"; concluding that this must mean that <name> is going to be assassinated (what?); and spending two days keeping a secret watch over him to prevent the assassination.




Very, very amusing.  I sat enthralled and giggle for at least five mintues rereading it.
The fact that potatoes are mentioned makes it even funnier, though I have no idea why.  Who would think "Potatoes" = "Assassination?"

Nothing I have seen really comes close to that, but there were a few stupid PC moves in my gaming experience.

One ranger started to accidently hit the dwarf fighter when shooting arrows in close combat.  An honest mistake, you might think, but it roiled the fighter so much that it continued.  Towards the end of the campaign, the ranger was actually adjusting his stance so that he would have to shoot through the fighter on purpose.   We now have a 'myth' in the group that damaging PCs gets you XP. 

The single worst act of player stupidity I saw isn't very funny, but I will share it anyway:

We were playing a Vampire game, and our party of vampires were assigned to transport, via van, a pack of werewolf cubs.  While enroute, a motorcyclist tried to flag us down.  He flashed us a vampire gang sign and as we drove along side him, he was described as wearing the colors of another vampire group that was said to be recently destroyed and was listening to 'Steppenwolf' on the radio.  He was described as having long hair and a stubble beard (which is not very common for a vampire). 

 Once we pulled off the road he asked us to follow us into the woods, at which point the GM asks 'Does anyone have the Merit Common Sense?" (this knack would allow the GM to give a little hint to a PC who can't see something in front of his eyes) Of course, we were all mature, seasoned Vampire players, none of us need some begineer Merit like Common Sense!

We decided to follow the guy into the woods.  End result: werewolves kill have the vampires and make off with the cubs.

In case you can't tell, I am also a very bad poker player.


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## Dannyalcatraz

Lalalei...a high level mage in _our_ D/FW game group did the exact same thing...but he survived.

Maybe there's somthing in the water around here...like lightning rods!


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## Lalalei2001

Ooh! One person said "Oh, there must be a rule that says a disintigration spell doesn't affect the caster. Here, I'll show you!"

There wasn't. RIP, Melf the Male Elf.


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## Lalalei2001

This one's priceless.

Groo was a Barbarian of much strength, but with an intelligence of 3. During a dungeon crawl, we came upon a locked door that our thief couldn't open.
Groo took it upon himself to open it.

"GROO OPEN DOOR!"

As soon as he smashed it open, the dragon on the other side stepped on him and killed him.


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## Zakath429

I had a player who played a 1e barbarian with a 3 (yes I said a 3) intelligence score and a 6 wisdom score.  The player stated that he could understand common, but could not speak a single word.  The only word he could say was UGH, and yes that was his name.  This barbarian once attempted to mate with a wooden ststue of a buxom female.  He carried it around town with him and pointed to it all the time syaing (all togeather now) UGH.

Then there was Bob the cowardly ranger and his fiathful mount Pincushion (yes, he actuall named his mount that) whose hobby was leaping out of windows. 


To All:
Good Luck and Good Hunting


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## Lalalei2001

Oh, that's nothing! We were doing a Paranoia game, and a player got sick. So a doctor gave him some pills. The Computer asked the player what color they were.

"Blue. OHMIGOSH! I'm a Traitor!"

Then he shot himself in the head.


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## Parlan

Bibamus said:
			
		

> His last thought is, "Why is everything lined in plastic?"
> A suitable end, and one that might deserve a place in the CLUE file.  I still claim that Bacon wins the thread with PCs who couldn't take hints if applied with tac-nukes.




Excellent Shadowrun story!  I stil sometimes go back and read those CLUE files for the scheudenfruede.  

and yes, Bacon, you deserve a medal. (or a couple of good stiff drinks)


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## Lalalei2001

RIP Gerbo Tallywhacker

The session started with me (a gnome psion) and my friend Brandon (a gnome rogue). We began inside the Gnomish castle Snumpkin, where we awaited the orders of the king. The first thing that we always do in a session is to introduce and describe our characters. Brandon, being lazy, "didnt know how to make a character" so I did for him. 

When the DM asked for his name and description he looked at his sheet and discovered that he had none (I had left this part up to him but he had forgotten). So our loving DM named him Gerbo Tallywhacker and made him gigantic, ugly and fat. Brandon, not wanting play such a miserable Gnome, decided to kill himself by jumping out the window. 

The DM made him roll a will save to see if he had the guts. He rolled a 1. So then he was forced to roll a tumble check to try and save himself. He rolled a 20 and landed unscratched on his feet. 

Angrily, Gerbo attacked the first person he saw, a castle guard. He missed with his unarmed strike (he had no equipment either), but the guard proceded to drop his sword. Gerbo of course picked up the sword and killed the guard in one hit. 

Now frustrated, he ran frantically around the castle searching for someone to kill him. After he killed half a dozen guards, I put him out of his misery with an arrow through the skull. It being 3am we all then decided to go to sleep.


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## jdrakeh

In a home-brewed Star Wars D6 campaign that my friend Kieth ran, I saw a player whose character was a traditional vampire of legend get hung up on his badassitude and dare a  NPC to _stab him in the heart_. I remember Kieth pausing and saying... 

"Dude. Are you _sure_ you want to say that?"

The player in question insisted that not only did he issue the dare, but he added in some profanity to make it sound insulting, as well. The other players just stared in silence when Kieth rolled for NPC's attack and announced a heroic success... at about which time the light finally went on in the head of the vampire character's player. 

I can still see the look on his face


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## Percivellian

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> RIP Gerbo Tallywhacker
> 
> The session started with me (a gnome psion) and my friend Brandon (a gnome rogue). We began inside the Gnomish castle Snumpkin, where we awaited the orders of the king. The first thing that we always do in a session is to introduce and describe our characters. Brandon, being lazy, "didnt know how to make a character" so I did for him.
> 
> When the DM asked for his name and description he looked at his sheet and discovered that he had none (I had left this part up to him but he had forgotten). So our loving DM named him Gerbo Tallywhacker and made him gigantic, ugly and fat. Brandon, not wanting play such a miserable Gnome, decided to kill himself by jumping out the window.
> 
> The DM made him roll a will save to see if he had the guts. He rolled a 1. So then he was forced to roll a tumble check to try and save himself. He rolled a 20 and landed unscratched on his feet.
> 
> Angrily, Gerbo attacked the first person he saw, a castle guard. He missed with his unarmed strike (he had no equipment either), but the guard proceded to drop his sword. Gerbo of course picked up the sword and killed the guard in one hit.
> 
> Now frustrated, he ran frantically around the castle searching for someone to kill him. After he killed half a dozen guards, I put him out of his misery with an arrow through the skull. It being 3am we all then decided to go to sleep.





My stomach hurts from laughing at this.


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## saethone

i once played a 2e dwarven fighter

i was in a dungeon, and a trap dropped around me - stone walls surrouned me, giving me barely enough room to move.

I hear a voice in my head -"break the stick to escape"

now, this trap had fallen twice before...both times breaking the stick let them escape

my trap was different, the ceiling was on its way down - which didn't happen in the other ones

apparently i had mis-interpreted the dm...what had been a wooden plank the last two traps, was a staff of the magi in mine


i wasn't lucky enough to be teleported to a random plane of existence


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## Sravoff

2e: A halfling thief and a halfling fighter/thief slay a small colony of large insects by a major road. They connect the colony up to a small cave near by and live a bandits. When the kings calvary arrive, they run to thier cave, and toss all their gold down their only escape, the insect colony tunnels. Then block it up with rocks, and attempt to talk their way past the calvary. Needless to say, the calvary didn't believe them and they had just blocked their escape route....

2e) After the party is almost vanquished, the last remaining member charges the big bad undead guy. Can't remember exactly what undead guy it was, very nasty though. Did I mention the last party member was a mage? A mage wielding a club of disruption charges the big guy.......Nat 20. Spoiled the Dm's fun right there.


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## jdrakeh

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> When the DM asked for his name and description he looked at his sheet and discovered that he had none (I had left this part up to him but he had forgotten). So our loving DM named him Gerbo Tallywhacker and made him gigantic, ugly and fat. Brandon, not wanting play such a miserable Gnome, decided to kill himself by jumping out the window.




Your DM sounds like a complete [insert dirty word here]. I'd almost have to file this under 'stupid Dm tricks' - defining a player's character for them in the most demeaning, unfun, manner possible and then forcing them to play it against their will is anything but smart. Although... I suppose the player deserves some flack... if he was using his noggin, he would have stood up and walked out on the game at.


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## StupidSmurf

OK, the original AD&D system, my home-brewed campaign. Everyone was comfortably resting inside a friendly castle that was constructed near some kind of uncivilized woodlands. One guy decided that his character (a fighter named Yu Hengue) wanted to go off by himself and hunt deer in the forest. OK, fine. Aside from violating the old axiom of "Don't split the party," it's not too bad an offense.

Yet...

So, there he is, out in the woods. Alone. If I recall correctly, the exchange went something like this:

DM (me): OK, so your character's going deer hunting, right? What kind of missile weapon is he using?
Rich (Yu Hengue): Umm....he doesn't have one.
DM: Well, what does he have, then?
Rich: He has his long sword.
DM: His long sword. He's going to hunt deer with a long sword.
Rich: Yes.
DM: Is Yu Hengue wearing armor?
Rich: Of course.
DM: I see. So...to recap, Yu Hengue is running around the forest, clad in armor, waving around his long sword, in the hopes of running into a deer. That right?
Rich: Yep. Do I encounter any?
DM: (rolling encounter likelihood....no deer, but a gang of 5 ogres) Ummm...no. No deer. But you've just run face to face into a pack of five ogres.

(A battle ensues. I feel bad for Rich, so the ogres do non-lethal damage, just basically beat the Hell out of him and take his stuff, leaving him on the ground, bruised and beaten)

Rich: Yu Hengue groans "Owwwtch..." How far away am I from Castle Hawkhaven?
DM: About three or four miles. You're deep in the woods, pal.
Rich: I begin to scream for help at the top of my lungs. as I crawl in the direction of the castle.
DM: What?! Are you sure?
Rich: I need to yell loud so that the party can hear me. "Heeeeelp! Heeeeeelp!"
DM: (muttering under breath, shaking head...increased chances of an encounter due to excessive noise. An Ankheg results) OKay, lured by the vibrations of the noise you make as you crawl along the ground, an ankheg burrows up, bursts out of the ground (makes a THAC0 roll), grabs you, and drags you down into the Earth.

The End


----------



## Elemental

It was a game of Rifts in the Phase World sub-setting. The characters had landed on a deserted, largely ruined ringworld in order to look into the origins of the super-spaceship they'd found. However, a band of Gun Brothers (mercenaries enhanced with bio-magical alterations, symbiotes and grafts) had landed on there, and was setting up camp round the area they needed to look at.

So, we had the robot, super-powered lizardman and Juicer observing the camp from some distance. A mage in the group started casting a spell, with no indication that he'd even seen the characters (it was some sort of warding).

So of course, they charge out and beat the mage to death in melee, in sight of the rest of the camp. They promptly get swarmed by dozens of soldiers. The robot gets destroyed, and I realised the other two PC's were going to follow soon. When the leader (whom I'd statted up with the intent that she'd be fighting all seven characters single-handedly) got lucky and KO'd the lizardman, I hastily made it so they'd been sent to capture the characters, and took the other two alive.

The really tragic part? Two of the characters had _sniper rifles._


----------



## Sir Devria

While battling the dreaded Crimson Doom (ancient red wyrm) our fighter had the dragon land on him. After BARLEY surviving the crush he then stood up UNDER the dragon and stabbed it.When on his last action i looked at him and said, "so your under the dragon _still_, what do you do?"...Without hesitation he looked at me and said "I stab him again"...with that the dragon promply sat on him.


----------



## (Psi)SeveredHead

My PCs are often stupid... but so am I. Here are two stories.

One, my very first time playing DnD. 2nd Ed. I was a halfling thief with a high Charisma, 1st-level. We had to travel somewhere by boat, one big enough (barely) to hold our horses, so I went _below the waterline_ to practice my knife throwing.

I rolled a critical failure. I really didn't think a knife could go through the hull like that. I didn't want to tell anyone I was sinking their boat. I'd get in trouble, after all. So I went to visit the horses, collected something EN's granny wouldn't want to hear about, and used it to plug the leak.

It didn't work. So I had to tell my friends what happened anyway. I left out what exactly I had used to plug the leak. I implored the other PCs not to tell the captain what happened, instead simply helping me fix the boat. Perhaps fortunately, they didn't listen. They went straight to the captain.

The captain, and the other PCs, were simply amazed at what they saw. Water leaking through a crack in the side of the boat's hull, plugged up by straw and ... other substances, which had ended up smeared all over the wall and smelling terribly.

The captain easily fixed the damage, and charged me a huge amount of money for it. I had no money. Fortunately the friendly fighter had some, so I had to pay him for wrecking the boat and getting horse doings all over the place.



The second is more embarassing than outright stupid. I hope. I'm used to playing characters who don't die. I was playing a 3.5 gnome wizard in a campaign DMed by Mr. T., who was annoyed that I bragged my PC couldn't be killed. (I was right, though.)

We were players in a Call of Cthulhu campaign. Invincible characters? No. We didn't even get to see our character sheets. But no matter, I was too smart to let my PC die. In fact, I'm such a genius that I managed to win a bonehead award for what I did in CoC.

In my defense, I was pretty smart until a kid delivered a magical letter to me. Not that I knew it was magical.

We were tracking down Cthulhu cultists, and (unknown to us) a Cthulhoid monster was hunting them as well. It looked for anyone who had received a _magical letter_. Anyone who received a letter (always the first person to get it) was magically marked. The letter had a bright red mark on it, which turned black as the victim's time approached. Getting rid of the letter wouldn't save the victim. However, solving the mystery could maybe allow you to survive.

I received the letter, looked at the mark, paid the kid a tip (or tried to, but he ran in terror - wonder why?), and put it in my pocket. I promptly forgot about it. (If I had looked, I would have seen the color change, realized it was magical, and maybe did something about that.)

Later on, we sent one PC to interview a cultist, an old lady, who lived in an apartment building. She charmed him and sent him away. He told us she was an innocent old lady. However, I wasn't convinced - he was acting too oddly. If only I had believed him, I probably would have lived. (She had also received one such letter, but I didn't know this.)

So here comes the final event. I was marked for death and didn't know it. Myself and Mr. T went to spy on the old lady, without backup. (So maybe Mr. T. wasn't that bright that night either.) The monster would randomly seek whichever of the three victims had been marked, and now it had two marks really close together.

We parked by the curb, and after a while the monster grabbed our car from beneath (from a sewer), picked it up, and started shaking it. Mr. T. and I jumped out. The monster swiped at me. (I figured it could only swipe at one person, and targeted me at random. I was quite wrong, as later events would prove.)

Mr. T and I ran into the old lady's building. The monster pursued us up the stairs, Mr. T. slightly in front. The monster swiped at me again ... but of course, it made sense, since I was slightly more vulnerable to it, being in back and all.

At the top of the staircase, Mr. T and I split up. The monster just happened to follow me. I ran to the old lady's house. I banged on her door. I had this brilliant idea that this evil cultist might rescue me or somehow defeat the monster. She opens the door, sees the monster, and freaks, slamming the door in my face and bolting it. At this point, my luck deserted me. The monster caught me, then had a problem. Should it eat me first, or should it save me for later? Alas, it thought I was the best meat, so it ate me. Apparently, I tasted real good.

Mr. T. started laughing hysterically at this. I was so brilliant I had performed a series of mistakes leading to my demise only two sessions into the CoC campaign. Then the GM informed me of the additional mistake invovling the letter.

Mr. T. never managed to kill or even seriously injure my character though, even though everyone else got beat down at least once in their career. Heh heh.


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## knitnerd

1.   Pull a dire bear out of a bag of tricks to help with the battle while on a small flying raft, then give it a jug of dwarven ale to calm it down.
   2.   Use a rod of wonder when the DM has a 6000 item table of effects.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Once, trying to solve a puzzle, a player called on the names of divine beings for help.

"ODIN!....THOR!.......HASTUR!"

"..."

"YES!"

Dead player.


----------



## StupidSmurf

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> Once, trying to solve a puzzle, a player called on the names of divine beings for help.
> 
> "ODIN!....THOR!.......HASTUR!"
> 
> "..."
> 
> "YES!"
> 
> Dead player.





"Crom! Zeus! Odin! Ralph!"


----------



## swrushing

player of mid-level monk with boots of spider walk and his own dimension door spell-like ability and a trio of mid-level fighter types right behind him chomping at the bit: 
"wow! that creature hit me and did over half my hit points in a single round. guess i will stay and swing one more round."

next round, the demon again did "more than half my hit points" and the monk dropped dead.


----------



## Savage Wombat

StupidSmurf said:
			
		

> "Crom! Zeus! Odin! Ralph!"




Damn it, do you have any idea how dangerous that is?  I mean, what if I said ORCUS and he ...


----------



## StupidSmurf

Savage Wombat said:
			
		

> Damn it, do you have any idea how dangerous that is?  I mean, what if I said ORCUS and he ...





Take yourself up a few more points on the Coolness Meter!!!!


----------



## Bullgrit

Justin Bacon said:
			
		

> This is the tale of two game sessions which probably qualify as my worst gaming experience ever. Ever. I was the DM. The highlights of the party's actions include: <snip>



I recognize this adventure. I played in this adventure, and although our group tripped and fumbled here and there with the plot, we weren't this bad. I sent this story to my fellow Players to them to see how bad it could have been.

Bullgrit


----------



## Lalalei2001

It's funnier if it really happened.


----------



## Alenda

I'm currently playing a Gnomish Paladin of Sune (goddess of beauty) in 3.5 D&D. 

When I was about 3rd level or so, my Paladin and the rest of the party entered a bustling city that was overrun by refugees. The refugees had fled from their homes because of an abnormally long winter and frequent Orc raids.

Being a paladin, I took pity on the refugees and wanted to help them. Being a paladin with a low Intelligence, I began handing out gold pieces to the poor unfortunates. 

Thousands of money-deprived and starving refugees versus one very small paladin....

It was ugly.

In spite of my good intentions, I was nearly crushed by a sea of humanity, caused a city-wide riot, and landed the entire party in jail!

For some reason, the other players just won't let me live that down.


----------



## sniffles

Alenda said:
			
		

> I'm currently playing a Gnomish Paladin of Sune (goddess of beauty) in 3.5 D&D.
> 
> When I was about 3rd level or so, my Paladin and the rest of the party entered a bustling city that was overrun by refugees. The refugees had fled from their homes because of an abnormally long winter and frequent Orc raids.
> 
> Being a paladin, I took pity on the refugees and wanted to help them. Being a paladin with a low Intelligence, I began handing out gold pieces to the poor unfortunates.
> 
> Thousands of money-deprived and starving refugees versus one very small paladin....
> 
> It was ugly.
> 
> In spite of my good intentions, I was nearly crushed by a sea of humanity, caused a city-wide riot, and landed the entire party in jail!
> 
> For some reason, the other players just won't let me live that down.



You don't know Jolly Blackburn, do you? He had something very similar happen in an issue of Knights of the Dinner Table!


----------



## Edena_of_Neith

(yes, this happened)

  My half-orc fighter 1E, carrying Ginsu the + 1 sword (the Greatest Orc Sword Ever Made) came to a vast area of glare ice, along with the rest of the party.
  We found these things that allowed movement on the ice (iceskates.)

  Then, a little later, out on the ice, we encountered the ice-skating kobolds, armed with + 1 hockey sticks.

  We took them on.  We lost.  We got away, though, because you can run away quickly on ice skates.

  Final Score:

  Kobolds 5
  Party 0

  I still want a Hockey Rematch!


----------



## Dannyalcatraz

> Once, trying to solve a puzzle, a player called on the names of divine beings for help.
> 
> "ODIN!....THOR!.......HASTUR!"




WAAAAAAY back in the early 80's, they did that same thing as a joke in the Fineous Fingers comic strip in Dragon Magazine, though, as I recall, they were trying to get past a locked door that had frustrated Fineous (the self-proclaimed "Greatest Thief in the World").


----------



## Belen

My bard, Belen, cast disintigrate on a mage tower.  (The tower had no doors)  Unfortunately, I designed my characters in such a way that I could not survive the saves against my owns spells.

I was had a guy who was playing a wizard in my game.  He looked right at me and said "I start acting crazy."  There was no one but the party around.  The player looked at me and said "Yeah, but if someone is secretly observing us, he will think that I am not a threat."  The party tied him up and had him committed.  He had freaked them out.


----------



## Alenda

Sniffles wrote: "You don't know Jolly Blackburn, do you? He had something very similar happen in an issue of Knights of the Dinner Table!"

Nope, I sure don't, but it makes me feel SO much better to know that I'm not the only person to make this mistake.


----------



## StupidSmurf

Dannyalcatraz said:
			
		

> WAAAAAAY back in the early 80's, they did that same thing as a joke in the Fineous Fingers comic strip in Dragon Magazine, though, as I recall, they were trying to get past a locked door that had frustrated Fineous (the self-proclaimed "Greatest Thief in the World").





Scroll back up the page a little and see the exchange between Savage Wombat and me.    I was quoting Rolf, the dumb fighter who was accompanying Fineous on an adventure. Rolf got bored waiting for Fineous to unlock a particularly difficult door, so Rolf began shouting out deity names in order to stir up some action. He yells out "Crom! Zeus! Odin! Ralph!" Fineous yells at him to stop, because yelling out deity names is dangerous. After all, what if he says "...Orcus, and..."

Sure enough, Orcus appears.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Ooh! We were doing a superhero campaign and one hero's power was to turn into a humanoid assortment of lunchmeat. Whilst trying to escape a bad guy, he punched a hole in the roof of a building and changed into meat. Sadly, the building was a dog kennel.


----------



## Lord Ipplepop

This one took place as we were playing Recon (modern, small-unit tactics) one night:

The characters were cruising through a rice paddy and had machine gun open up on them from the villiage. The officer of the group ran into the villiage (through the gunfire with *NO* fudged rolls on my part), pulled out a grenade and tossed it into the thatch hut the machine gun fire was coming from... then he flattened himself against the wall to the same thatched hut he had just tossed the grenade into.. the grenade went off, and took out everything in the hut... AND the officer took major damage in the backside.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Ouch. 

One PC of mine cast a fire spell inside a forest. He died.


----------



## Lord Ipplepop

The stupidest thing *I* ever personally did (besides the paladin trying to jump a halfling after a monster and skewering the halfling), was with my very first character ever. I had a human magic user (obviously 1 ed) and when we encountered a group of orcs, I took my *ONE* tiny little magic missile, and jumped in front of the partry to decimate the monsters.
I had been playing for a grand total of 15 minutes, and was rolling up a new character.


----------



## demiurge1138

So many of them in such a short time from my Planescape group.

Trusting a yugoloth.
Working for Shemeska the Marauder.
Taking a shopping trip in Baator.
Trusting a succubus.
Continuing to support one of their own party members, despite his obvious descent into madness, evil and poor common sense.

They seem to have trust issues, I think. 

Demiurge out.


----------



## johndaw16

My favorite has to have been in a now defunct Rifts game.  The party was being taken hostage by the Coalition and the party is trying to figure out how to smuggle some weapons on their persons before being taken.  One player (a Cyber Knight at the time I think, its hard to recall since he went through some many PCs) declared confidently that he was going to hide the grenade up his a**.  He was rolling up a new character next game.


----------



## Paradigm

It is a long story, but it ends with the firing of an M-19 point destruction weapon at a Kafer  warrior in an office building.


----------



## The Human Target

Good gods, this thread makes me so glad I game with the people I do.  

We have plenty of "Oh crap" moments, but they're generally never on purpose.

Lemme see here.

The 1st level party setting up a base in their hometown decides to take a job reclaiming an old cottage from some kobolds. Things get a little hairy when the party splits up, the barbarian and cleric go through the front door and the rest climb up into the top floor window. The cleric and barbarian end up falling right into a classic ten foot pit, and then getting wailed on by crossbo wielding kobold sentires. The other group fumbles into the attic, only to be jumped by kobolds. Eventually the all meet up and make it to the final room with the remnants of thew kobold warriors and all the eggs, babes, and females. They decide to force the rest of the kobolds out. but the barbaian makes a demand. He (a CN half orc who pretty much lived as a wildman in the woods since puberty) wants one of the eggs. To eat fro breakfast the next day. So begins an hour long debate. me asking him if he really wants to eat a sentient creature and to give me a good reason why his character would, the party all draws down on each other, half against the idea and the other half not wanting to get anyone killed over it. In the end, when the neutral characters all turn against him, the barbarian lets it go. We almost had a party vs party fight in the first night of the game.

It never fails. We come up with an elaborate shared backstory for why the PCs are together and in ten minutes they're at each others throats. We played a game where everyone woke up in the woods on night one with no memories. And eveyone were messed up races, a drow, a half-dragon, a half-celestial, etc. And they all get along like family and share their cure potions with eachother. :\ 

Oh no, I thought of another one.

Same group as the first story, same campaign. One new player, a girl we knew who roleplayed a lot made up a half-drow druid. True Neutral. The PCs go to work as armed escorts for the frontier townspeople. They go to a little out of the way walled farm. Basically, they suspect a werwolf killed some of the farmers, and they (wrongly) think that its one of the farmers doing the killing. So they gather everyone together, the druid begins using all her freshly prepared spells to create water and help all the farm crops grow. The cleric casts detect eveil, and the only person who registers is a teenaged boy who has given the party lip (thought to be fair the party did deserve it at the time.) Later on, half the group becomes convinced that the kid is the werebeast, and the other half think he could be but they need more proof. So they decide to stake him out, and set up camp at the farm, outside the communal sleep house. The moon starts to rise as the farmers have already turned in, and the young man comes outside. They watch as he relieves himself against a tree, and goes back inside. The rogue of the party is pretty convinced the kid is the monster, and even if he isn't the kid detected as evil. So the neutral halfing creeps silently into the large main sleeping quarters of the workers and their families, crosses the main room full of sleeping people, finds the sleeping youth, and slits him from ear to ear. Blood gushes but no one wakes up. He snakes back out, and informs the party everything is taken care of. Horrified at what he might have done, the neutral good ranger sneaks into the house, finds the body, and sneaks out to tell everyone what the halfling did. The party gets into a whispered fight about what he did, and before the decide on  course of action, they hear the screams of a little girl in the house. Of course, someone woke up and stepped in a pool of warm blood. The farmers wake up and confront the PCs asking them whats going on. The ranger informs the farmers that they suspected the young man of lycanthropy, and the rogue made a tactical decision to kill the young man before he could change and kill them all. The townsfolk, knowing that there was no way the lad could have been the monster, start to hurl anything they can find at the party to drive them off.

And of course, as soon as the party rogue begins to scrable away and the party decides it might be a good idea to leave, a farmer screams out in pain as he's ripped from head to crotch by the teeth of a huge wolf. A huge and bloody fight ensues with the werewolf.

They manage to maim him after a while, and he starts to flee into the woods. The party is glad, as they're all about dead. Except for that same barbarian. In a rage, and with about 12 hitpoints left he runs into the woods after the werewolf. Alone. In the night. When he realizes no one followed him he slows down, only to be jumed by a pack of wolves in the werewolf's thrall. I rolled totally in the open using the stats for the wolf presnet in the MM1. And somehow, he killed all four of them and managed to stay alive with exactly one hitpoint. It was the most amazingly dumb thing I have ever seen, and he made it out alive. He chuged potions, and ran back.

So the party waits till the morning to leave, but not before a farmer lets slip that a boy had been attacked by the beast and survived. But fearing he was cursed and too weak to put him to the sword, they take the boy a few miles away to an old burned down estate and chucked him in a well. 

So the PCs go to the well. And the halfdrow druid decides to go down into the well and haul the kid back up. As she gets near the bottom, she can clearly see the claw marks scratched into the stone and knows the kid is infected with the disease. But, knowing the party may mercy kill him, she tells no one and they haul the boy, who is inshock, out of the well and decide to take him home. Only problem, they still have one night of the fullmoon left, and no one but the druid knows he'll turn come sunset. She says they need to race him back before he dies of exposure. They do.

And they almost make it. The kid, riding on the clerics horse. Starts to fidget as the sun sets and they're riding hard past the town gates and to the temple of his god. He realizes whats gonna happen, rides his horse into the temple, and rushes for the cells the church keeps for the magically afflicted. And as he leaps down the stairs the kid turns. Chaos ensues. The werewolf starts to maul everyone. The cleric leaps into the cage, baiting the wolf to follow. It does, and they seal him in with it. But thankfully he manages to get off a spell to disable it and the encounter ends.

Fast forward a session, and after the group has cured the child of his afflicaton, as well as the party cleric and rogue who both too had been cursed and would have turned a month later. The group decides to go back to the farm, and take the villagers to task for leaving that boy in a well. (Which is funny, all things considering.) They find the farm totally empty, with no explination. It seems like the place was deserted (when really human hating elves murdered them all and buried them in the woods.) Of course, the group decides to spend the night to see if anything happens, and the orignal werewolf and his new pack are attracted the the abandoned  village by the smoke of the cooking fires the PCs lit. A battle ensues, and the manage to take the monsters down.


That was the first, third, and fourth nights of the game.

Imagine how things went from there.

It was fun though.

Other than the time the rogue was almost killed while planning future landscaping by an assassin vine that lived in the back yard of the watch tower they moved into....

And when the ranger retired at sixth level due to job related stress and became a message carrier.


----------



## Imagicka

Greetings...

Stupidest move by a player eh?  Well, if you want to have the full story, first let me paint the picture here...

[SBLOCK=Ignore it if you don't want to read the long and boring lead up.]
The game was AD&D2, heavily modified by a sadistic GM who also happened to be an engineer, who has the ability to jury-rig himself something on the level of MacGyver.  We would regularly have anywhere from 4 to 8 players.  The previous sessions, where we had finished a previous campaign battling a draco-lich and his evil priest minions.  There were 8 or 9 players with their level 7-9 characters, and an army of NPCs.  This GM liked to place large challenges in front of us, that would never be successful by direct frontal assault.  Also, if all the players weren't there, neither were their characters (of course) and  the GM wouldn't scale down the adventure because we didn't have all our fire-power.

Well, now was the time for a new campaign, we had been building up to have a character-driven campaign, and this time it was my character's turn.  My ranger had been given the mission to cleanse the lost temple to my goddess (of nature).   Turns out the temple was now the home of a band of possessed demonic orcs, a couple of other monsters, and a cabal of daemons which if I can remember correctly were a group Type IV's and a couple of Type VI's. 

The daemons had corrupted the forgotten and overgrown temple.  The overgrown gardens were sick and corrupt with all manner of monstrous creatures and abominations.  The animals for miles and miles around were crazy with possession, rabies, or both.  Attacking  anything and everything, even themselves.  Then there was the temple complex itself.  An evil, demonic substance that had all the properties of crude oil (except for touching it could do anything from poison you, burn you, or even allow the daemon to possess you -- if the daemon was also touching the oil channels somewhere else in the complex, using it like a conduit).     

Now, flowing from the springs was this semi-aware demonic goo that was flowing all along the channels that normally be occupied by water feeding all the gardens of a huge temple that existed partially underground and aboveground.  Something on the scale of the hanging gardens of Babylon.  

Unfortunately this evening only two players showed up.  Myself and another player who just started playing a lower level fighter.  We were expecting at least 4-6 players this evening, and the GM wasn't going to put things on hold just because not all the players are going to be there.  Not to mention, it was 'my' campaign, and the show must go on.

In the course of the adventure we thought the best way to deal with the orcs was to hit them and wade through them, then if we have to fall back and regroup, so be it.  I was looking to die in attempting to do the duty to my goddess.  So, we go to work.  I let the hippo-esque gyff fighter take the lead until his hit points are down to two, then my little 4'10" redheaded half-elf ranger girl steps by the wounded fighter and pulls out her two magically glowing swords grinning wildly shouting in orc, "I hope you aren't finish your charge.   I am the better fighter of the two.", standing in a pile of orcs that must have waist deep.

The orcs quickly loose motivation and decide that they are going to torch the place, and in an act of desperation light fire to the gutters of crude oil.  We realize we have to retreat and the only place we can go is the inner sanctum secret chamber that we had found earlier.

A part of the adventure was also to find the inner sanctum which the goddess had revealed to me hadn't been corrupted or found by the daemons.  Inside were relics which were to help us (namely something to help heal us). 

The smoke and fire is blocking our exit and the only place that we know isn't corrupted is the inner sanctum.  We make our way back there and find one of the daemons sniffing around the wall where we know the secret entrance to be.  He followed our scent back to the secret passage and was now trying to figure out how to get inside.  

I, down to half my hit points, the fellow fighter down to 8.  With a sheer stroke of luck, I attack the daemon rolling 20-20, and it was house-ruled that this was an automatic kill.  We quickly stuff ourselves into the chamber.[/SBLOCK]So, here we are, daemons just beyond the chamber banging on the walls looking for a way to get in (the toxic fire making it rather homey for them).  Stuck in this inner sanctum deep underground which is more than likely going to become our tomb.  But hey! At least aren't choking to death on the fumes while we wait to be slowly baked alive. Party very hurt, all the healing used up for the day.  

So, I look at the fighter and say, "So, do something! Don't you worship some god of war?" So, the fighter on a long shot prays.  The GM rolls dice, and with another lucky roll from the other player, is turned into a giant.  

Now, this giant with a whole 8 hit points isn't going to wander out to fight the daemons looks around this domed 50' inner sanctum and then decides that we can maybe escape, and pushes out the keystone from the dome. 

Player, _"Okay, so I'm giant now, and I can reach the ceiling?"_

DM, _"Yes. you head is nearly touching the top of this dome."_

Player, _"So, would I have enough strength to push out one of the blocks that make up the dome?"_ 

DM, _"Yes, but you have to be careful, pick the wrong one and you could make the entire thing collapse.  You are underground, and chances are there is a few hundred tonnes of earth between you and the surface."_

Player after some thought and personal deliberation says, _"Okay, I push out the stone at the very top of the dome."_

DM, _"You push out the keystone?"_

Player, _"Yes!"_ 

Me, *Moan* _"Oh lord no!"_


----------



## Lalalei2001

Uhmmm... what happened to all the new posts?


----------



## DarkSoldier

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> Uhmmm... what happened to all the new posts?



Apparently, the site went kaboom a few days ago, and now we have our boards back, but as they were at the end of '05.


----------



## glass

*typos*



			
				Imagicka said:
			
		

> [SBLOCK]Greetings...
> 
> Stupidest move by a player eh?  Well, if you want to have the full story, first let me paint the picture here...
> 
> [SBLOCK=Ignore it if you don't want to read the long and boring lead up.]
> The game was AD&D2, heavily modified by a sadistic GM who also happened to be an engineer, who has the ability to jury-rig himself something on the level of MacGyver.  We would regularly have anywhere from 4 to 8 players.  The previous sessions, where we had finished a previous campaign battling a draco-lich and his evil priest minions.  There were 8 or 9 players with their level 7-9 characters, and an army of NPCs.  This GM liked to place large challenges in front of us, that would never be successful by direct frontal assault.  Also, if all the players weren't there, neither were their characters (of course) and  the GM wouldn't scale down the adventure because we didn't have all our fire-power.
> 
> Well, now was the time for a new campaign, we had been building up to have a character-driven campaign, and this time it was my character's turn.  My ranger had been given the mission to cleanse the lost temple to my goddess (of nature).   Turns out the temple was now the home of a band of possessed demonic orcs, a couple of other monsters, and a cabal of daemons which if I can remember correctly were a group Type IV's and a couple of Type VI's.
> 
> The daemons had corrupted the forgotten and overgrown temple.  The overgrown gardens were sick and corrupt with all manner of monstrous creatures and abominations.  The animals for miles and miles around were crazy with possession, rabies, or both.  Attacking  anything and everything, even themselves.  Then there was the temple complex itself.  An evil, demonic substance that had all the properties of crude oil (except for touching it could do anything from poison you, burn you, or even allow the daemon to possess you -- if the daemon was also touching the oil channels somewhere else in the complex, using it like a conduit).
> 
> Now, flowing from the springs was this semi-aware demonic goo that was flowing all along the channels that normally be occupied by water feeding all the gardens of a huge temple that existed partially underground and aboveground.  Something on the scale of the hanging gardens of Babylon.
> 
> Unfortunately this evening only two players showed up.  Myself and another player who just started playing a lower level fighter.  We were expecting at least 4-6 players this evening, and the GM wasn't going to put things on hold just because not all the players are going to be there.  Not to mention, it was 'my' campaign, and the show must go on.
> 
> In the course of the adventure we thought the best way to deal with the orcs was to hit them and wade through them, then if we have to fall back and regroup, so be it.  I was looking to die in attempting to do the duty to my goddess.  So, we go to work.  I let the hippo-esque gyff fighter take the lead until his hit points are down to two, then my little 4'10" redheaded half-elf ranger girl steps by the wounded fighter and pulls out her two magically glowing swords grinning wildly shouting in orc, "I hope you aren't finish your charge.   I am the better fighter of the two.", standing in a pile of orcs that must have waist deep.
> 
> The orcs quickly loose motivation and decide that they are going to torch the place, and in an act of desperation light fire to the gutters of crude oil.  We realize we have to retreat and the only place we can go is the inner sanctum secret chamber that we had found earlier.
> 
> A part of the adventure was also to find the inner sanctum which the goddess had revealed to me hadn't been corrupted or found by the daemons.  Inside were relics which were to help us (namely something to help heal us).
> 
> The smoke and fire is blocking our exit and the only place that we know isn't corrupted is the inner sanctum.  We make our way back there and find one of the daemons sniffing around the wall where we know the secret entrance to be.  He followed our scent back to the secret passage and was now trying to figure out how to get inside.
> 
> I, down to half my hit points, the fellow fighter down to 8.  With a sheer stroke of luck, I attack the daemon rolling 20-20, and it was house-ruled that this was an automatic kill.  We quickly stuff ourselves into the chamber.[/SBLOCK]So, here we are, daemons just beyond the chamber banging on the walls looking for a way to get in (the toxic fire making it rather homey for them).  Stuck in this inner sanctum deep underground which is more than likely going to become our tomb.  But hey! At least aren't choking to death on the fumes while we wait to be slowly baked alive. Party very hurt, all the healing used up for the day.
> 
> So, I look at the fighter and say, "So, do something! Don't you worship some god of war?" So, the fighter on a long shot prays.  The GM rolls dice, and with another lucky roll from the other player, is turned into a giant.
> 
> Now, this giant with a whole 8 hit points isn't going to wander out to fight the daemons looks around this domed 50' inner sanctum and then decides that we can maybe escape, and pushes out the keystone from the dome.
> 
> Player, _"Okay, so I'm giant now, and I can reach the ceiling?"_
> 
> DM, _"Yes. you head is nearly touching the top of this dome."_
> 
> Player, _"So, would I have enough strength to push out one of the blocks that make up the dome?"_[/SBLOCK]DM, _"Yes, but you have to be careful, pick the wrong one and you could make the entire thing collapse.  You are underground, and chances are there is a few hundred tonnes of earth between you and the surface."_
> 
> Player after some thought and personal deliberation says, _"Okay, I push out the stone at the very top of the dome."_
> 
> DM, _"You push out the keystone?"_
> 
> Player, _"Yes!"_
> 
> Me, *Moan* _"Oh lord no!"_



I've pointed this out before, but since it disapeared in the board death, I'll do so again. 

Despite the name, there is nothing particularly special about the keystone. Take any stone out of an arch and it will fall down, but domes are a little bit more stanble than that. There are plenty of domes in ancient buildings around the world with holes in the top.

Given that the central stone was probably the largest, and it is easier to carefully push straight up rather than on an angle, it was exactly the right choice.


glass.


----------



## Lalalei2001

I still think Bacon's is the best so far.


----------



## Aeric

Thinking there are magical artifacts inside, the party elects the half-orc to reach inside the mysterious floating black sphere and get them.

*poof* he disappears.

Having seen the poor half-orc fall victim to a teleport trap elsewhere in the dungeon, the party wizard (me) touches the sphere in hopes of finding and rescuing the half-orc.

*poof* she disappears.

The elven archer, not wanting to miss out on what he called the "war realm" that we were teleported to (the last teleport trap took us to a plane populated by grells), he touches the sphere.

*poof* he disappears.

The rest of the party wisely decides not to touch the Sphere of Annihilation.


----------



## Lalalei2001

^ I saw that on page 1!


----------



## Amazing Triangle

My favorite was when our wizard said this in the 3.0 rules when he was hasted:
"I wanna cast invisability then move and cast fireball"
Dm: "Don't you wanna cast fireball, then invisability, then move? You know invisability will end if you do this?"
Player: "No I wanna do it the way I said it!"
Dm: "Ooook.  You go invisable, you move and cast fireball.  You are now visable.  Nice going genius"

A close second was in a DnD Insert Coin game I played in. This was suppose to be a CR 15 encounter.
Barbed devils have this in their text:
"Once per day a *barbed* devil can attempt to summon 1d6 *bearded* devils or another *barbed *devil with a 35% chance of success." Dm read this and concluded it was either 1d6 bearded devils or 1d6 barbed devils, so he chose the latter.  This made the encouter go from CR 15 to CR 31 due to luck and a lot of area spells we won.


----------



## Lalalei2001

^ I don't get it.


----------



## Kafkonia

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> ^ I don't get it.




Well, in one round, he turned invisible, shot a fireball, and turned visible again.

Net result: One fireball shot, one invisibility wasted.

My first character (Pete Shandor, aka Pete the First, to differentiate him from his brother Pete the Second... long story) in 3.5 was a Cleric of Chaos and Luck, and I played it to the hilt. Probably my favourite "stupid" action was his using a bottle of alchemist's fire as a melee weapon.

It worked, too! The guy he was fighting caught on fire, and we took him down while he was trying to put it out.

Of course, using the threat of alchemist's fire to dissuade assassins from shooting at him... in a library... with few hitpoints.... did not go over so well.

His brother (and my 3rd character in the campagin, after Pete the First fell victim to a paper shredder, and the Elf Sorceror ran screaming from a fight with 1 HP and a crossbow bolt in his back) is a Favoured Soul with Resistance 10 vs. Fire.


----------



## Lalalei2001

^ Ohhh, OK. 

lol


----------



## Blackrat

Group of 3rd level characters:

DM: Ok. Infront of the tower door stands a huge human-shaped creature that seems to be made of some crystalline material.

Mage: Can I make Knowledge arcana check to see if I know what it is and is there any weaknesses?

DM: Sure. (rolls good) You regoqnize the thing to be a Diamond golem. You know they are probably the most dangerous golems there are and are used as guardians by the best wizards of the world. You don't know of any weaknesses and you know it's immune to most spells.

Mage: Ok, I'll tell all this to my friends.

DM: Yep.

At this point the barbarian and the two fighers of the group draw their weapons and charge the golem......


----------



## Lalalei2001

One time a player tied a rope to a large rock and jumped off a cliff, planning to bungee jump. Sadly, the rope was longer than the cliff was high, and he died when he hit the ground.


----------



## Griffith Dragonlake

A long time ago, the adventuring party was returning home from the dungeon and happened surprised a man mounted upon a red dragon.  The leader of the party announced "Greetings!  I'm Lambda the lawful good ranger." The dragon rider laughed so hard he fell off the saddle.


----------



## Griffith Dragonlake

Almost as long ago, the party was fighting a fire demon in a 10' wide corridor and losing very badly.  Sarouf the wizard cast a fireball at the demon.  Mind you, that was back in 1e when fireballs expanded to fill the available space.  Fortunately the entire party made their saving throws but lo and behold the fire demon was *now at full hit points*.  The party was speechless except for the bard, whose only words were "Dumba$$!"


----------



## zypherillius

Im not sure if you have to be a DM to post to this one, but ive got a list of a few things that PC's ive run with have done before.

1)  seen somebody playing as a rogue, try to jump onto the back of a ramorazz for sneak attack damage...  after failing all subequent spot checks to see arrows burning up before hitting it. (after having heard of it being done, which i thought was rather strange.)

2)  Use a bastard sword to hit an abeloth, while under water and in full plate.  good thing the abeloth 'had' a potion of remove disease inside of it.

3)  myself, ive got an illumian sorcerer  with a +4 dagger and an ac of 15, i routinely charge things after ive exausted the spell table, and it hasnt bitten me yet.

4)  Having enough gold between the party to ressurect two dead PC's, the necromantic specialty wizard decides to read the necronomican for a ressurection spell, and in doing so lost half of his sanity points he was unaware he had.  call of the chutlu anybody?

i actually forgot a few.

5)  my human wizard in another campaign touching the green alge on the pond, and the fighter cutting it off.  now that wizard has a 25% spell failure with spells that have somatic components, and hes still alive.

6)  talking our way out out of an enounter 4 above ours, then almost losing two fighters to a giant clam.


----------



## Nomad4life

*Star Wars*: The party of rebel PCs were sneaking around the massive hanger of an imperial supply station on a mission of sabotage.  After the ground shakes for several turns, suddenly, an AT-AT (one of those giant assault vehicles that walks on four legs) thunders into view on its way into the hanger/garage.  Instantly, the players scramble to hide behind various machinery, crates, etc. and avoid detection.  As I’m in the middle of describing the AT-AT docking procedure...

NEWGUY: Can I attack it?

ME: ...You mean, attack the AT-AT!?!  With what!?!?

NEWGUY: My wrench!

ME: (After long, dumbfounded silence) Well, technically, I guess you could...  _But it will cost you an intelligence point.
_
NEWGUY: (Fumbling with character sheet) What’s my INT score?

ME: 13.

NEWGUY: So, you’re saying I can attack it 13 times?

At this point, we took a break, so that the other players could explain a few things to our newest member (who had only played hack & slash style D&D games until that point.)


----------



## Lalalei2001

Here's another one from a Star Wars game.

A player decided to dismantle an assassin droid by opening up its chest and dismantling its circuits. He opened it up somehow, just in time to see the self-destruct timer hit 00:00.

BOOM!


----------



## Black Omega

The PC's decide to sneak in to the base of the cultist villain by sealing themselves in wooden crates, that are then loaded onto a truck to be taken in.  The crates are unloaded at the base according to plan.  At that point it's realized no one decided ahead of time how long to wait before opening their crates.  Each crate gets to hand in a note on how long they wait.  One person waits 5 minutes, one waits 10 minutes, one waits 30 minutes.  Making too much noise foils the ruse so there's no easy way to alert the others when one PC has emerged.

After much confusion, the PCs regroup, knock out some cultists and steal their black robes.  They are trying to get to the badguy using this disguise when their desert tribesman allies attack and start trying to kill everyone in black robes, just like the PC's had asked.


----------



## Ravenknight

Sorcerer grappling a vampire.


----------



## Kafkonia

This seems to start with two of my fellow players single (well, double-)handedly derailed the adventure our DM had planned _in the first session_, but it actually goes back to the beginning. It's an adventure the DM had printed up from the 'net, so y'all might recognize it.

See, there was no shared backstory, no relationship between our characters, nothing. They were just all standing in the market when some kooky monster broke loose, and hey presto we're an adventuring party. Including a brooding Drow who hates clerics because she was supposed to be sacrificed to Lolth, a rogue/cleric Tiefling impersonating a local noble, and a Hexblade named Diabedes (I love my goofy names.) The characters were all very... antisocial.

But hey, we had a campaign to start, so let's get to it -- we're hired to investigate who, or what, is killing the gladiators. So we go undercover as gladiators, and we start getting stupid nicknames from the fat guy who runs the place. The Drow looks at him and says "Give me a nickname and die."

"I'll call you Stabs."

Poor Diabedes, being my first foray into something vaguely fightery, got himself killed within two hours of start by a Dwarf barbarian two levels below him. I decided to let him rest in peace and come up with a new character who might fit in as more of a team player... a Cleric of Death and Suffering.

While I'm creating my new character, and our poor good horse-riding barbarian does... something or other... the Drow who hates clerics and the Tiefling cleric decide to take matters into their own hands. After all, Stabs told the fat man he'd die, and the Tiefling is convinced that the fat man is behind the deaths. So, using some ungodly combinations of spells and skill levels, they sneak into his home and butcher everyone (except one servant) in the place. Everyone.

At this point, the DM looks from one player to another, looks at the printout, and tosses it over his shoulder. But we shall soldier on!

Fast forward through one session where nothing overly derailing happened, mostly because the DM really did toss aside that pregenerated adventure and switched gears.

This weekend, the barbarian's player can't make it, so we've got a Drow ranger, a rogue/cleric, and my fighter/cleric going on a dungeon crawl. Against a bunch of orcs. Not too bad. We get some flanking on one barbarian, things are going okay.

Except that the rogue/cleric doesn't mention when he's low on HP, and doesn't do anything about it himself -- and the barbarian rolls well. Not critical hit-well. But -12 HP well. And me one level shy of being able to cast animate dead. 

So 3 sessions into the campaign we've lost two characters (both to 3rd level barbarians!) And with two of the players leaving at the end of the month, it looks like we're done.


----------



## Natural 20

*somewhere deep ...*

... in a dungeon our party came across a puddle on the floor - there was an empty vial next to the puddle. Our fighter, in need of some healing, and thinking it was a potion of cure whatever, actually took an action to lick up this substance right off of the floor. Do I even need to tell you that he was wrong and that it was poison? That's what it was - things got worse for him from that point forward. Funny though... we still laugh about that one!


----------



## spyscribe

"I know, let's _scry_ the evil high-level necromancer to see if he's involved!"

Not my finest hour.


----------



## JollieRoger

The party is sneaking around old catacolms when they come across a shabby looking robed figure seated behind a pedastool with thier back toward the party reading from a very large tome.  The room is filled with arcane symbols on the floor and walls and has a very potent almost overwhelming smell of decay and spices.  The Dwarf fighter decides he would approach this figure quitely so they don't hear him and tap them on the shoulder.  The figure mumbles a few words, wiggles their fingers, touches a stone and throws a powder, causing a green ray to hit the Dwarf.  Poof the Dwarf disappears and all his equipment falls to the floor.  The figure goes back to reading.

The party rogue wants to know what happened to the Dwarf, before the party wizard can tell him, the rogue aproaches the figure and taps him on the same should demanding to know what they did with the Dwarf.  The figure wiggles his fingers and mumbles some words and touches the thief. The rogue falls over and dies.

Rest of the party decides they are in way over their heads and promptly leave the area.

The Dwarf fighter was a lower level NPC that was being played by a visiting friend and who wanted to sit in on a few games.  The rogue was a PC who was always getting into trouble so it was just a matter of time before something like this was going to happen.


----------



## FalcWP

We've had a few real gems...

In a Weird Wars game, a character decided to throw a grenade at a Nazi.  In and of itself, not that stupid.  Except said Nazi had already taken a couple bullets, and was closed to dropping... so a rifle butt was probably enough.  No need to waste the grenade.

Plus, there was the fact that we weren't in that large of a room... and grenades are poor close-combat weapons.

We later lit our medic on fire in this game because he was being attacked by some sort of "mist" that we couldn't attack.  Which, honestly... seemed a *lot* more logical at the time.

Now, me, personally... I tend to have problems with doors.  Watched a party member walk through a door and trigger a magical effect - believe he started glowing.  Watched a second party member walk through the door, and another (different) magical effect (can't remember what).  I decide, what the heck, I'll have my elf rogue walk through the door.  The rest of the party was arguing over who got my equipment before my charred corpse hit the floor.

Funny story.  The fireball that killed me also hit the player of the medic in the Weird Wars game, and nearly killed him (stupid wizard actually made his reflex save, while my rogue failed his).  Which made it the second time I'd caused him fire damage in a couple weeks.  This became a bit of a running joke, and I do look for ways to light his characters on fire (hopefully, without killing him) whenever we play together.

So, a couple weeks after this incident.  Another D&D game, same group, different DM.  We're in a dungeon/shrine type set up.  There's a door that only a pious, righteous type can walk through.  The party's paladin attempts to walk through... and is gently but firmly pushed back.  I decided to have my wizard walk through the door.  I was promptly thrown across the room and suffered a broken leg.

In an Arcana Evolved game, we discovered a man who had, apparently, been in a magical trap.  For a long time.  After freeing him and somewhat claming him, I (and I'm still not really sure why) said, "Everyone you ever knew or loved is dead."  He... kind of went nuts after that.

Well, we didn't want to leave him behind, in the wilds, while he was nuts.  So we kept him tied up.  To our horse.  (This, thankfully, was not my plan.)  While we were camped, a small rodent was discovered in our food.  It bolts towards the horse.  The totem warrior sent his wolf after the rodent.  Again.  Towards the horse.

That NPC did not have the best of days.


----------



## B9anders

Justin Bacon said:
			
		

> - The entire party goes back to the tavern the next morning, finding it closed. They break in and ambush the barkeep, attempting to murder him in his sleep. The bar was named the Old Adventurer's Tavern. The barkeep, who is a former adventurer as advertised, grabs his two-handed sword and proceeds to gut their fighter.
> 
> http://www.thealexandrian.net




Brilliant stuff, Bacon!

The above is just totally random. Why on earth would they do such a thing?


----------



## Lalalei2001

^ Because they were morons.


----------



## rgard

Nomad4life said:
			
		

> *Star Wars*: The party of rebel PCs were sneaking around the massive hanger of an imperial supply station on a mission of sabotage.  After the ground shakes for several turns, suddenly, an AT-AT (one of those giant assault vehicles that walks on four legs) thunders into view on its way into the hanger/garage.  Instantly, the players scramble to hide behind various machinery, crates, etc. and avoid detection.  As I’m in the middle of describing the AT-AT docking procedure...
> 
> NEWGUY: Can I attack it?
> 
> ME: ...You mean, attack the AT-AT!?!  With what!?!?
> 
> NEWGUY: My wrench!
> 
> ME: (After long, dumbfounded silence) Well, technically, I guess you could...  _But it will cost you an intelligence point.
> _
> NEWGUY: (Fumbling with character sheet) What’s my INT score?
> 
> ME: 13.
> 
> NEWGUY: So, you’re saying I can attack it 13 times?
> 
> At this point, we took a break, so that the other players could explain a few things to our newest member (who had only played hack & slash style D&D games until that point.)




Similar thing happened in my campaign played at my store.  We were paralleling the movie sequence of events and the PCs were drafted to fight along side the Hoth Rebels.  They see the advancing AT-ATs and AT-STs and the clever Wookie (Sol1) charges the closest AT-ST.

When the PCs later went back to Hoth they were able to find the frozen red spot.

Thanks,
Rich


----------



## rgard

zypherillius said:
			
		

> Im not sure if you have to be a DM to post to this one, but ive got a list of a few things that PC's ive run with have done before.
> 
> 1)  seen somebody playing as a rogue, try to jump onto the back of a ramorazz for sneak attack damage...  after failing all subequent spot checks to see arrows burning up before hitting it. (after having heard of it being done, which i thought was rather strange.)




And people say the 'Sense' of Wonder is gone!  This happened in my store and I am still laughing about it.



			
				zypherillius said:
			
		

> 2)  Use a bastard sword to hit an abeloth, while under water and in full plate.  good thing the abeloth 'had' a potion of remove disease inside of it.




Ok, that happened, but it was the best the character could do after my levitating Battle Sorcerer had to drop said Fighter into the pool to free up his hands to cast spells at the critter!  Yes, still funny!!!



			
				zypherillius said:
			
		

> 3)  myself, ive got an illumian sorcerer  with a +4 dagger and an ac of 15, i routinely charge things after ive exausted the spell table, and it hasnt bitten me yet.




That's the only way to play a spellcaster!!!



			
				zypherillius said:
			
		

> 4)  Having enough gold between the party to ressurect two dead PC's, the necromantic specialty wizard decides to read the necronomican for a ressurection spell, and in doing so lost half of his sanity points he was unaware he had.  call of the chutlu anybody?




My campaign.  In addition to the sanity loss, he also took some Charisma damage dropping to about 5 total left.  He started out with an average Charisma, but lost some to our home rule -10 to -20 hitpoints, you don't die, but suffer stat damage appropriate to the cause of what would have normally been death.  He was Flame Striked earlier.

To be fair, the character resurrected was a twink (yes, Rich, I rolled 4 18s for my cleric at home)  and the 1d4 ability point loss to each attribute resulting from the Necronimicon version of resurrection is funny.

Thanks,
Rich


----------



## Kyuss Knight

Recently while playing through Sons of Grumsh, my dwarven ranger noticed a huge ruby in the ey e of a statue. I thought "SWEET!!!!!! Fat lewts!!!!!!!!!" jumped up and pryed the sucker out. Hello curse!


----------



## Lalalei2001

PC: I open the treasure chest.

Everyone Else: DUCK!

PC: That's not a duck! It's a giant crossbow bol--


----------



## Lalalei2001

Any more?


----------



## Lalalei2001

In a futile attempt to escape a wizard's lair, my character utilized a teleport spell without having anywhere to teleport to stored. We wound up teleporting into a herd of cows. All but 2 players merged with a cow, and exploded.


----------



## Dei

In a beholder section of undermountain, the cave is dotted with mushroom like rock formations that rise above the acid mist on the floor. Some of them shine with a magical glow that we've identified as an anti-magic field, perfect for fighting against beholders. This fact had been recognised in conversation already and so there was no reason it shouldn't be a fairly easy run provided we stayed in the cover they provided.

DM: The two beholders come around the corner and roar as they see you, their eye stalks writhing, etc, etc, roll initiative.

PC1: Okay, I'm first. Well I'm here so I'll use a single move action to jump from this rock to that one and then into the anti-magic field on that one... *insert rest of turn here*

PC2: Right, my turn, hmm, I wonder if I've got any abilities that I can use against them.

PC1: Um, dude, they're beholders, what do you think you should do? Get into the anti-magic field!

PC2: No way, then I'll loose all the bonuses from my magic items.

I'm pretty sure Halaster got a good chuckle out of that one, I know the rest of us did when we scraped him off the walls after the fight.


----------



## Lalalei2001

This one's great.

My character teleported across a ravine to avoid walking across a wooden bridge he suspected was trapped. It wasn't...the spot on the other side where he reappeared was, however. 

His last words were 'You can never be too safe!'


----------



## Lalalei2001

Here's another!

I was going through a phase of silly character concepts, and Aron was one of the sillier ones. Based almost completely on the character "Sheriff Aron" from Brisco Country Jr. Yup. An Elvis-ish archer... Anyhoo, the bad-guys chief leiutenant shows up to mock us. 

Aron fast-draws an arrow & rolls a critical success on the attack. Hit location brain, triple-damage for the crit-success roll, and a very high damage roll. Pity the villian had a Reverse Missle spell going at all times...


----------



## Lalalei2001

Yet another one from me. 

After hiding in a cargo hold of a hijacked starship, my character, Watchkiss, spent hours sneaking towards the bridge, quietly eliminating guards as he went. He overloaded the hijacker pilot's brain by mistake, killing him. Due to an obvious clue he missed earlier, the real pilot was also among the killed hijackers. His nil piloting skills pulled the ship out of hyperspace directly in the middle of an oncoming comet.


----------



## Baroness

D&D:

A demon was held in a magic prison held together by precious gems. The demon tried to convince me to remove the gems so that he could be free, and he would reward me. I thought I was smart when I decided I wouldn't help a demon escape because he wouldn't really reward me. When I got close to the gems, he told me not to break them as it would instantly kill him. The jerk was lying.   

M&M: 

Trying to sneak up on a hero called The Ghost while another character called Obliterator One was about to blast a hole into him was a pretty stupid move. 

D20 Modern: 

I was pretty new to D20 and RPGs in general and didn't really understand how high my bluff skill was. As the party's charismatic weakling, I was given the task to distract a crime lord's bodyguard who happened to be about 2 feet taller than my character. While he was away from the crime lord(great bodyguard that he is), I started talking to him and rolled a bluff check to get him busy somewhere far from his client. I rolled a 10 on my D20, which I figured wasn't that good. The GM told me that the bodyguard seemed to believe me, but I didn't trust him and decided to knock the bodyguard out while he had his back turned. I did about one subdual damage with my purse before the bodyguard taught me how to properly knock someone out. The worse part is that I had managed to convince the bodyguard with my 27 bluff versus his 3 sense motive.


----------



## Lalalei2001

We were bound and gagged in a very large dungeon. A kobold shaman decides to torture us, but removes our thief's gag to hear him scream. 

Not being up on the effects of staffs, our ingenious thief talks the kobold into breaking the wizards staff of magi. He figures it will just kill the kobold, right? 

BOOM! No more dungeon.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Any more? ^_^


----------



## Balgus

A darkmantle fell from the ceiling and clung to the face of one of the char.  Another thought it a great idea to remove it by bashing it with an axe. We were all lvl 2 - and the guy had like 5 hp


----------



## Lalalei2001

A small, green leathery creature fell from the cieling and wrapped itself around a PC's face. Another player remembered that the creature was weak against fire, so he shoved the torch into the player's face. The monster died, and the PC was now on fire. So he jumped into a nearby pool, which turned out to be acid.

It was not one of his better days.


----------



## jeffman

*Gnome Armor*

So, once my PCs were on a ship with a pirate ship quickly approaching them from behind.  The PCs knew they were clearly out numbered, seeing approximately 10 people on deck of the pirate vessel.  

The gnome wizard (~lvl 4, I believe) tells the half fiend fighter to fly her over to the approaching vessel, close enough for her to use burning hands.  They decide to tie the gnome to the front of the half fiend, to allow them both to have their hands free.  

Once the pirates see a flying creature coming towards them with a gnome with a wizard cap on her head, they all pull out their cross bows, and in one round, provide plenty of ventilation for the halffiend through her gnome armor.

Right after that, the druid remembered she had flaming sphere preppared, and easily sinks the ship from the safe distance of her vessel.


----------



## Lalalei2001

A group of escaped prisoners fortified a mess hall. Being severely outnumbered, we had the Druid use 'Summon Nature's Ally' to call forth a monkey. He sucessfully distracted the entire room while we rolled in a lit barrel of gunpowder. Killed everyone, including said monkey.


----------



## jimbobbrowningstein

Well there were two guy who would come over and play. They were friends. For a while. Well eventually they became bitter rivals for reasons that arn't important here. They even got into a fist fight at the gaming table one night. Anyways anytime they were both playing they would seek out eachothers character just to attempt to kill off the other one. This happened quite a bit 'till we just decided to just never have them over at the same time ever again. I guess that counts.


----------



## Lalalei2001

One day, a PC, Karen, walked home from work. She spectacularly botched a roll and mistook a horde of walking dead for Elvis Presley.

It wasn't pretty.


----------



## Lalalei2001

A magical warhammer that returns when thrown needs someone with the ability to catch. Pieces of Joe's head went everywhere.


----------



## Lalalei2001

There was this one time a very dumb vampire dared someone to stab him in the heart.


----------



## Lalalei2001

In a World War 2 game, Hangell was a British special forces paratrooper. He and private MacWel were on a mission to blow up a German munitions train. They saw a guard booth with a sleeping guard in it, and began to discuss what to do. They soon started to argue, and the German guard woke up and shot Hangell with an MP40 smg.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Any more?


----------



## ruleslawyer

Maybe I have really dumb players, but these really don't seem so bad.

My favorite episode still concerns the final encounter with Lolth's avatar in the control room of her spider ship at the end of my (modified) Q1 Queen of the Demonweb Pits. The control room is rife with windowlike portals showing different scenes in radically different-looking environments; the characters have some idea that these are interplanar gates, since they've been using analogous portals in the Demonweb to rest and recover along the way. 

Three of the PCs are down, with only three left standing. Though deprived of minions, Lolth is still wiping the floor with them. So, what does the player of the fighter PC do?

Round 1: Walks over to downed fighter companion's body and grabs the girdle of giant strength and hammer of thunderbolts. (Clash of combat in background.)

Round 2: Straps on girdle, winds up, and hurls hammer... at - or in this case *through* - the portal to Arvandor. This over howls by everyone else at the table. (Meanwhile, cleric PC is disintegrated.)

Round 3: Devoid of a useful weapon (wonder whose fault that was?), decides to _charge Lolth [in monstrous spider form] and grapple her_. 

This is the same player who, while the (9th-level) PCs were sitting around a table in Elminster the Sage's library while the Old Sage himself was giving them advice on a quest, openly declared that he wanted to "sneak off and see if this guy has any stuff worth stealing." When it all shook out, I gave the other players extra XP just for having to deal with that guy's stupidity.


----------



## werk

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> Any more? ^_^




Fine!

My first character, first game ever, (long time ago).
Dwarven cleric, 1st level, party of 5 dwarves.
Went into a cave to eradicate some kobold pests. (this was to teach us how combat worked)
Our tunnel emptied into a larger cavern that was covered with stactites and stalagmites, and we decided to tie a rope and rappel down.  He explained that there was no overhang, so we couldn't rappel, we'd have to just shinny down the rope.
One character goes down, the fighter, while the rest of us watch for kobolds.
Another character goes down the rope.
Before he's to the bottom, I decide I'm tired of waiting and start climbing down.
SO we're both dangling and the kobolds can't resist any longer and start ranging us...me.
"What can I do?  If I keep climbing, I'll be dead before I hit bottom."
"You could heal yourself or attack."
"I can't really heal myself, because I have to hold on."
"..."
"OK, I attack the kobolds."
"Do you have a ranged weapon?"
"I do, but it's on my back...my mace is on my belt, I'll grab that and wing it at the dogs."

Needless to say, I fell below 0HP after throwing away my mace then fell on the character below me, killing us both.

I didn't even survive one encounter!


----------



## Lalalei2001

We were all at the top of a VERY high cliff, and an evil witch was at the bottom. So the first guy casts Featherfall and floats down. I used my Ring of Featherfall and floated down. The third guy jumped off.


----------



## Lalalei2001

An unfortunate PC decided to charge _Darth Vader._ He died in 5 seconds.


----------



## Chimera

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> We were all at the top of a VERY high cliff, and an evil witch was at the bottom. So the first guy casts Featherfall and floats down. I used my Ring of Featherfall and floated down. The third guy jumped off.




Hey, it worked for the first two guys, didn't it?


----------



## Emperor Valerian

I DMed a group of PCs that decided to take on a CR 23 demon, after it was made very apparent to them that the demon was a big badass, and really only wanted to negotiate (they were 18th level at the time, IIRC).

I didn't pull any punches, but they were lucky the demon had an atrocious rolling day.  Some people lived.


----------



## B9anders

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> We were all at the top of a VERY high cliff, and an evil witch was at the bottom. So the first guy casts Featherfall and floats down. I used my Ring of Featherfall and floated down. The third guy jumped off.




hahaha!


----------



## Lalalei2001

My friend read that and it took him a while to get it. When it finally clicked he laughed his head off.


----------



## Zamtap

I've just seen something that I think qualifies in a vampire session 

He as a physcologist already had the notion that these 2 NPC's were one vamp, any how they are suspossed to be twins

He'd been manipulated by one "twin" lets say "J" to throw a spanner in the others (lets call her "T") plan to get influnence and power.

He'd woken up in an unfamilar location in the underground system (rather than his nice haven) so he knew he was a target.

He gets a message setting up a meeting with "J" cause "T" has found out about last night's spanner and it's not at the elyssium.

she doesn't reply to the text suggesting meeting at elyssium.

The other players all have minor research projects at the elyssiun which doubles as a library

He went alone - got ambushed by 3 gangers with guns. (no flame rounds)

for the record the character made it out, by the skin of his teeth. To cover the draining of a mortal (done whilst in the throws of frenzie cause he'd used every point of blood to heal or boost an attribute) and thus a break in the maskerade he had to cause a fire to consume the bodies.


----------



## Lord Ipplepop

*Friggin' mages*

In our 1-3 level group... our mage, whilst the rest of us were involved in combat with 10 zombies, decided to cast "Identify" on some arrows the Dwarf fighter found the room before. The DM had it scheduled that 9 dire rats were to attack from behind during the melee... and the mage was in their way.

It actually seemed to take him by suprise that he would lose the spell after getting hit for 12 points of damage and failing his concentration check.


----------



## Agent Oracle

Really, Really old story.

Minotaur character, in a Spelljammer game.  He happened to be a cleric of the goddess of luck, who had bestowed upon him the ability to change the outcome of any ill fortune once per day, by virtue of a coin flip.  Heads: ill fortune was reversed, tails, ill fortune was magnified.  Conversely, it could do the reverse for good fortune: good fortune magnified/good fortune reveresed.  either way, he used it every session, and was fond of tempting fate.

So they were in the middle of a pirate raid, and he is fighting off an enemy while standing at the hatch of a ship.  He rolls a 2, (not a fumble, just ill fortune).  He decides to use his coinflip... It comes up tails.  He fumbles.  I offer him his choice, he can either take the fumble or make a saving throw.  He chooses the saving throw.  Rolls a (reflex) save, and fails.  He tumbles backwards down the stairs and gets his horns lodged in the floorboards.

From the "I never thought it would happen" file.

Me: "You come over the ridge and see four orcs sitting around a campfire, from this range they probably can't see you, but roll a hide check to be sure

Them: (Rolls)

Me: (rolls) Well, if any of them do see you, they certainly don't seem to care.  Anyhow, behind the foursome (and campfire) there is a large yurt covered in animal skins.

PC #1: "Woah, this is serious! okay everyone, ready?"

PC #2: "I've only got two "acid arrows" left, and i'm out of magic missile.

PC #3: "Don't worry, i'll cover you.  Hey DM, can you describe them?"

Me: "Sure.  The first pair of orcs are wearing some piecemeal leather armor, one has a shield  and flail strapped to his back.  The other has an axe he's working on at the fire.  The third orc is eating, but he's probably got a sword of some sort nearby.  The final orc is wearing a helmet with the antlers of a large stag on it.  He seems to be a bit hunchbacked.

PC#3: "And the Yurt?"

Me: "Well, it's covered in animal skins, it looks comfortable?"

PC #3: "Gotcha.  Okay, we have suprise this round.  Lets take advantage of it.  Target the big guy and drop him first, everybody ready?"

Me: "big guy?"

PC #1: "I have first initiative, i'm going to use my Mighty Composite Longbow to attack the Yurt!"

I had to stop them right there, and explain that a Yurt is a building.

THe Gazeebo incident ladies and gentlemen, recreated in my saturday night game.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Agent Oracle said:
			
		

> I had to stop them right there, and explain that a Yurt is a building.




HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Okay, THAT wins the Funniest Award. Bacon's wins the Stupid Award.


----------



## Lalalei2001

In a titanic battle against a dragon, 2 mages (15 lvl each) and 1 fighter (18 lvl) died. The dragon was terribly wounded and it began to fly away. With thoughts of owning the ENTIRE hoard plus the experience, Charlie was desperate to kill it. He ripped out his crossbow, charged under the flying dragon and fired straight up at it's weaker underbelly, killing it in one shot! The dead dragon then fell on poor Charlie, crushing him.

His last words were "It's MINE! THE GOLD IS ALL MI--"


----------



## Lalalei2001

While visiting a temple in the town of Sarin, Alexia's companions, three halfling thieves, noticed a 2 ton black pearl that was part of the temple's statute of Ashra, the goddess of healing. 
After successfully rolling to avoid notice, steal, and roll the pearl towards the stairs, one of them rolled a natural 20 and lost hold of the pearl. All three were quickly flattened by the massive pearl and Alexia was soon torn apart by an angry mob of worshippers.


----------



## Meowzebub

Way back when in 1st edition. The party had been cleaning out a complex of an evil organization, but they were frustrated to this point by the lack of treasure.  They came across the bedchambers of the leader's concubine. Besides a few jewels there was a lot of nice clothes

Realizing the clothes might be valuable the party fighter (played as a barbarian) takes this plan of action.

Barbarian: I gather up all the clothes

Me: There are two closets full of just dresses

Barbarian: Thats OK I am really strong

Me: OK, its not so much as they weigh a lot but they are very bulky.  Carrying just 20 dresses will not leave your hands free.

Barbarian: I have an idea


He rejoins the party, now wearing twenty of the dresses.

Barbarian: I dare any one of you to laugh!

They did as PCs and the players still laugh years later thinking about this.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Another character drove his pink caddy off a cliff and decided to use his rock-bottom level of skill in the Blink teleportation spell to get us out of it. The cliff was only 30 feet tall, but the car fell a total of 500 feet by the time we clubbed him to death.


----------



## seskis281

In a Kalamar capaign a PC who was playing a young Rogue, the night before the first adventure, decided he needed to ply his thief trade (remember he was only just rolled up at 1st level). 

He went to the supply shop where the party had bought equipment. It was the middle of night. To my amazement he rolled a natural 20 and picked the lock, entered the store. I decided to add a "defense" that the shopkeeper kept, hoping to make the PC aware that he might be in over his head before gaining his first XP.

It went something like this:

Me: It's pitch black. You can't see a thing. Make a listen check.

PC: Pretty good (something like 15).

ME: Ok, there is mostly silence but you hear to your left what sounds like slight breathing or heavy purring.

PC: I'm gonna try and feel my way to the counter where the (objects he had seen but couldn't afford - can't remember what -where)

ME: Are you trying to move silently?

PC: Yes!

ME: Make a check.

PC: Damn. (Failed) Nevermind, I'll just find it as quick as I can.

ME: Make a dexterity check.

PC: Damn it! (Can't remember if it was a 1, 2, or 3 but it was low).

ME: You stumble in the darkness over some pick-axes and assorted digging supplies, making a terrible racket. To your left the breathing/purring stops and you hear heavy scratching noises and the sound of a chain against the floor.

PC: I freeze!

ME: After a moment you hear even heavier, cat-like breathing, more sounds of the chain moving, and the sounds start to move slowly towards you. It is still pitch black by the way.

PC: Damn it, I want that (whatever it was)! Ok, I get up and reach out, feeling towards the counter - 

ME: (Sigh) Ok, you reach the counter. The sounds of breathing and chain seem to moving around behind where you were, between you and the door you entered from.

PC: Quick, I feel the objects around the counter.

ME: The counter is empty. The shopkeeper must have secured them for the night.

PC: Damn it! Can I make a check to see if I remember where the locked cabinets were?

ME: Uhm, by the way, the sounds behind you are almost on top of you. It is still pitch black.

PC: Oh yeah. Hey, I've got a torch and a tenderbox, I'll light the torch.

ME: Uhm... ok. You light the torch. Your facing the counter. You feel and hear heavy breathing directly behind you.

PC: I turn...

ME: Standing right before you, chained to a post in the corner, is the shopkeeper's guard cat - looks like he's got a mountain cat to deter unlawful "customers." It bares its teath and growls at you.

PC: I look around, before I run can I spot the cabinets...?

ME: Uh... (sighs) yeah, they're over to the right, on the North Wall opposite the door you came in.

PC: Very, very softly.... I'm going to walk to the cabinets....

ME: As you start to move the Cat attacks (surprise round - Cat rolls 16 or 17) - his right paw rips across your arm, tearing the skin you take (whatever it was) damage.

PC: Damn - Ok, I'll kill the stupid cat and THEN get what I came here for... I pull out my knife...

** Two rounds later the PC was dead. Remember, this was BEFORE the start of my actual campaign.

John Maddog Wright


----------



## Lalalei2001

Maxxis was hired to guard the visiting dictator of a nation. When the entourage was ambushed, he forgot his job description...and ducked behind the dignitary for cover. His employers showed their disapproval in gunshots.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Linc fired an arrow (normal, not enchanted or enhanced in any way!) at Tiamat, who up till then had been ignoring him in favor of the PC who was trying to use an artifact to return her to her own plane. Tiamat glanced at Linc, annoyed, and breathed on him with her black head. What little that was left (mostly a stain on the floor) was sucked into the gate the other PC had opened to get rid of the Dragon Queen.


----------



## SpiderMonkey

Set self on fire to better engage the supernatural rat swarm?  Done it.

Dove head first into the clearly-marked "Portal of Death?"  Oh yeah.

Prodded the sleeping pyrohydra with a _Spiritual Weapon_ ?  Why not?

Dangerously low on hit points while playing a Blackguard, attacking the suspicious "maiden" while already in the midst of a brawl with a vampire? Naturally.

These are the only ones I can think of off the top of my head, all of which were from my brief tenures as a Player rather than DM.  Can you guess which of the characters from the above examples lived?


----------



## BV210

Party is playing "The Matchmakers" from an oooooold Dungeon magazine.  Anyway, they decide the best way to get the soon-to-be-married-to-the-old-guy maiden away from her family and joined with her true beloved is to sneak into the manor house at night and spirit her away.  They put together a pretty decent plan, lookouts on perimeter, sneaky rogue to infiltrate, find girl, convince her of their plan, and use _portable hole_ to sneak her out (stopping every couple of minutes to refresh the air within).  Part of the plan was in the event of a problem, said rogue would blow a dog whistle.  The druid's wolf companion would hear it and react, whereby the druid would reach into his _bag of tricks_, toss whatever he pulled into the barn, and use the distraction to let the rogue have an opportunity to escape.

Well, the plan was working very well, rogue made it in, avoided any awake servants and squeaky floors, found the girl sleeping (actually her near-twin cousin, but that's neither here nor there), convinced her to come along, and successfully made it out of the compound. As he was moving toward the rendevous point, he states, "now that I'm out, I blow the dog whistle to signal everyone to rally up."

D'oh!

Suffice it to say, the black bear drawn from the _bag of tricks_ did make an excellent distraction, only now the family (and soon the entire city of Silverymoon) was aware of the kidnapping.


----------



## BV210

Oh, one more. Once in a 1ed game many years ago.  My high level wizard was separated from the party as they were assaulting a temple to Orcus. No sweat, I'll just _teleport_ in.  Small problem, I _teleported_ in low.  Carrying a _staff of power_.  And a _staff of the magi_.  One MASSIVE retributive strike later and my wizard was nothing but a memory and the temple of Orcus was a complete loss.


----------



## Alaxk Knight of Galt

Playing a Paladin in a long running 2e game, the average level of the party was about 10th.

Trapped in a place known as the mind realm, we needed to strike a bargin with a Vampire Lord in order to use a magic item held in her posession.  Being the good Paladin I was, I boldly state "I will not negotiate with evil!"

I think 2 party members ended up back at first level, I ended up at 4th level.  However we did manage to win (we drove off the Vampire Lord, killed one of her vampire minions, and trapped the 2nd one in a bad of holding with the help of a well place Wall of Force).

Good times


----------



## Merkuri

The party has been told that the area of this dungeon we are in is filled with traps.  Basically, if we see something shiny, it's got a trap attached to it.  One of our players has just gone through two characters in the past couple sessions.  This is his new character's second session.  He's playing a half-orc storm druid with a shocker lizard companion.

We come upon a room with metal walls, a peaceful aura, and a big golden idol in the center.  One of the characters casts detect magic and reports that the idol and the area around it radiates evocation magic.  My not-so-smart favored soul asks what evocation is and is told, "kaboom."  The rogue checks the doorway of the room for traps and finds none.  Up until this point, we've all been standing in the hallway, looking in warily.  We are arguing (both in and out of character) over whether this might be an oasis in the middle of the trap-desert or if it's another trap.  I decide a good strategy would be to summon a monster and send it in to land on the idol while we sit outside.  If it gets fried, we leave the idol alone.  If the monster is unharmed, we investigate it a bit more.

I propose this idea and the rest of the party likes it.  As I look up what I want to summon the half-orc druid steps into the room.  "This place feels nice, guys," she says.  "Come on in!"

"I'm not going to do it with you in the room," my favored soul says to her.  "Please leave, then I'm gonna summon something to see what happens."

"There's nothing bad in here."  Keep in mind that we've been told several times that this area is full of traps.  Full full full of traps.  Anything we see is probably a trap.  His last character died from an electricity trap.

"Fine," my character says.  "Then you touch the idol!  See what happens."  

To our complete and utter surprise, she listens to me.  There is a smell of burning orc as lightning fills the room.  The shocker lizard is left unharmed.

The player still gets made fun of for going through four characters in five sessions.  His reply is, "You told me to touch it!"


----------



## awayfarer

My first D&D character ever was Bargeld the CN half-orc rogue. I like to imagine he's what James Bond would have been if Bond were a scumbag who grew up on the streets.

We were playing online on Openrpg. The campaign took place in the Scarred Lands setting in the city of Shelzar. In the third session of this campaign, the party, a sorceress, a cleric of the goddess of luck, a bard, Bargeld and another rogue. The lot of us are hired to help locate a merchant caravan lost in the desert. After a few days we find said caravan. It's surrounded by ratmen. The ensuing fight is unspectacular thanks to the aid of a bunch of npc's. Although, the cleric of the luck god dies in one spectacular hit after a 30 (or more) foot jump impales her through the chest with a spear.

We fix up the caravan and start to bring it back to the city. On the way Bargeld notices a loose plank on the wagon and pries it open. A small sack with thirty emeralds, worth about 1,000 GP a piece. Those of us that remain divide the emeralds evenly. We get back to town and sell a few. Bargeld hangs onto several, storing one in his (rather rank) sock.

A few weeks later we're approached by a half-orc who says that a local crime boss wants to meet with us. We go to the tavern, checking our weapons at the door. It's a half-orc/orc bar and is lit so poorly that only Barg can see thanks to darkvision. He spots four orcs with loaded crossbows in one corner.

We sit down and have a talk with the crime boss, who is pissed at us. Apparently those emeralds were supposed to be delivered to him. We all have some left and my line of thought is that this guy can't touch us because we know where to find his jewels and he needs us alive. Bargeld invites him to take the emerald in his sock, which he promtly throws in the face of said boss.

My connection suddenly hits a lag spike. A minute later all the attack and damage rolls pop up on my screen. Bargeld now has three crossbow bolts sticking out of his back. This just as it dawns on me; the boss only needs one of us alive if he wants those emeralds back. 

By sheer, stupid luck, Bargeld survived though.


----------



## thulsadoomson

While adventuring in Rappan Athuk, the PC's find an efreeti bottle, and are granted 3 wishes by the efreeti.  With the final wish, the paladin in the party wishes for a holy sword that he was told is located somewhere within the dungeon. Unfortunately for the party, this information came from a drunk in the local tavern and was completely false.  Needless to say I gave him the sword, but instead of it being a holy sword, it was an intelligent chaotic evil sword who eventually corrupted the paladin before being taken by a demon lord.


----------



## Lalalei2001

The party was deep under the Forgotten Temple of Tharizdun. They'd come across an underground orchard with different colored fruit trees. Reyn grabbed a dark colored apple, and was immediately zapped for a healthy dose of damage. Recovering, he for some bizarre reason figured that it couldn't hurt to try it again... and as he plucked the second apple, he was instantly vaporized into fine powder.


----------



## Lalalei2001

We had just been portaled to Baator by accident, and I was knocked unconcious by a blow to the head. A Pit Fiend ran around the corner and when my fellow character was dragging me to safety, he dragged me accross some VERY sharp rocks which cut me and bled me to death before he was bright enough to figure out what he had done.


----------



## SorvahrSpahr

as my party was stalking an assassin through a cave. we wait for the assassin to enter a room built in the cave's wall. as soon as my fighter makes the corner, the half-orc decides to put out the only light my character had. so, I make the turn, roll a low tumble check, and hit face first the ground after tripping on a rather big rock


----------



## shilsen

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> The party was deep under the Forgotten Temple of Tharizdun. They'd come across an underground orchard with different colored fruit trees. Reyn grabbed a dark colored apple, and was immediately zapped for a healthy dose of damage. Recovering, he for some bizarre reason figured that it couldn't hurt to try it again... and as he plucked the second apple, he was instantly vaporized into fine powder.



 Considering how many posts you've made in this thread, I have to ask - have you ever been in a game which hasn't involved stupid PC death?


----------



## Lalalei2001

Yes.


----------



## Nyaricus

Sledge said:
			
		

> The moral of the story is that you should never run naked through the mushrooms.



That is SO .sigged


----------



## sniffles

shilsen said:
			
		

> Considering how many posts you've made in this thread, I have to ask - have you ever been in a game which hasn't involved stupid PC death?



I was thinking something like that, too. Aside from the 3 stories I posted in this thread last year, I haven't been able to think of anything else that qualifies - and I've been roleplaying at least once a week for 10+ years.


----------



## WampusCat43

Rogue PC enters a magically darkened room in the WLD.

PC: "I move in 5' and feel around."

DM: "You don't feel anything.  It smells like a wet dog in here."

PC: "I move in 5' and feel around."

DM: "You don't feel anything.  You hear a low growling..."

PC: "I move in 5' and feel around."

DM: "You don't feel anything.  You hear several things in the dark, growling."

PC: "I move in 5' and feel around."  (Consistent little cuss).

DM: **CHOMP** "You don't feel anything.  Your arm was just eaten by one of three dire wolves.  Roll for initiative."

All we managed to recover was one of his boots.


----------



## Nyaricus

knitnerd said:
			
		

> 2.   Use a rod of wonder when the DM has a 6000 item table of effects.



hey, you or your DM don't by chance still haev a copy of that kicking around, do you?



			
				Nomad4life said:
			
		

> NEWGUY: Can I attack it?
> 
> ME: ...You mean, attack the AT-AT!?!  With what!?!?
> 
> NEWGUY: My wrench!
> 
> ME: (After long, dumbfounded silence) Well, technically, I guess you could...  _But it will cost you an intelligence point.
> _
> 
> NEWGUY: (Fumbling with character sheet) What’s my INT score?
> 
> ME: 13.
> 
> NEWGUY: So, you’re saying I can attack it 13 times?
> 
> At this point, we took a break, so that the other players could explain a few things to our newest member (who had only played hack & slash style D&D games until that point.)



Okay, that is just prriceless  Silly noobs...



			
				Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> A small, green leathery creature fell from the cieling and wrapped itself around a PC's face. Another player remembered that the creature was weak against fire, so he shoved the torch into the player's face. The monster died, and the PC was now on fire. So he jumped into a nearby pool, which turned out to be acid.
> 
> It was not one of his better days.



That has such a rich slapstick quality to it, that I have to say it's one of my favourites 



			
				Agent Oracle said:
			
		

> I had to stop them right there, and explain that a Yurt is a building.



THAT's great too!


----------



## Nyaricus

For my own, here are a few good ones:

(1) A Half-orc Fighter, after helping set up camp, goes to hunt for some meat to roast. He has an sword. A Bastard Sword. That's it. Comes across this deer (in fact, it's a Sianach, a demonic, man-eating deer from celtic folklore/mythology) with weird, red eyes which has the occasional puff of smoke come out of it's nostrils. Runs up to it and attacks it with his asword. Deer just stands there, looking agitated as the half-orc runs up and rolls a CRITICAL FAILURE! He sinks his sword up to the hilt in the loamy ground, and deer kicks the living crap out of him, making him run up and hide in a tree. Eventually, a few hours later, the deer leaves and the half-orc goes back, shamefaced to the camp, sans his sword. He asks if anyone will help him dig it out. The dwarven barbarian, quite drunk on ale, throws him the shovel from his pack and tells the "stupid pig-face" to "go dig it up yourself!"

Another hour later, and the half-orc finally gets back, sword in one hand, shovel in the other a respect for that weird deer in his heart.

(2) Later in the same camaign.... had a guy who had played D&D in the past with one of my players come into my game, which is a low magic, dark ages-like setting. The party has been assaulted by a weird deer again, and he is a traveller with a massive sword who helps them out defending from this odd creature. Anyways, some woodsman come along and we repel the deer(/Sianach). We get led into town, where this traveller (a human fighter) says he is going to go to the mayors offices. I say "sure". So, he goes in there and starts asking about where he can get magic items. Low magic campaign setting that he's been aware of, and he does that. The mayor is spooked and calls for his guards. They arrest this guys PC, on accusation of witchcraft.

Then the mayors guards with the town guard go to the inn the rest of the players ar staying at, thinking the new PC is 'with' this adventuring party (for now they just know of each other and after a few days in town the plan is they are going to merge and come together in a bigger party), with only the half-orc still suited up for war. Standoff in their room, with the party proper promising to leave right then and there without further bothering the townspeople. Mayor says that this traveller should be hanged by the neck, have his throat slit and then burned for witchcraft, and the party agrees, not really knowing anythign about this oddball who has gone sniffing around for magic items. Party is ushered all the way to the city gates and meets up with the party's Priest of Nyaricus who has been staying at the temple of Narkus (another name for the same deity, but in different regions) and says "hey, where's that new guy?" Half orc says: "Oh, he's _hanging_ around town someplace, probably some _hotspot_ or another."

A classic among our group 

(3) Played in a campign with another standoff in and Inn and the party's cleric 8/fighter 2 runs straight into melee and then doesn't heal anyone, or himself. Dies without having cast a single spell. Idiot. (and the person playing the PC was a jerk, too).

(4) a really old campign which I was playing in had me as the Dwarven Fighter in spiked fullplate with a battleaxe and shield (favourite character to play, BTW ). We are underground someplace, and come to a stream 5' wide. 

ME: I can jump across this, easy! *rolls* Made it!" 

DM (a RBDM if there ever was one): okay, in the middle of your jump the gaint crocodile jumps out of the water and snatches you in its jaws! 

Me (automatically): "how in the HELL dos it fit in a 5' wide stream?!

DM: Oh, actually it's wider than that, 20' feet or so

Me: What in the hell do you mean, '_it's 20 feet_!!" You said a second ago it was 5 feet wide!

DM: Yeah, but youre right: the croc would fit in that *smiles eveily*

Me: Well, that's not fair - I don't want to be eaten by the croc!

DM: okay, fine the croc doesn't eat you - but you did however fail the 20' jump check acrocc the stream!! *evil smile*

Me: What?!?!

DM: You are now sinking to the bottom of the river.

Me: 

DM: *rolls* huh, the croc now spots you sinking down

Me: AHHH!!

DM: he bites you again, and swallows you whole.

Me *steams*

---

THAT one pissed me off, but he was a Rat Bastard DM, so w/e.


----------



## pokedigimaniac

That's not RBDMing, that's just BAD DMing.


----------



## Kae'Yoss

Nyaricus said:
			
		

> THAT one pissed me off, but he was a Rat Bastard DM, so w/e.




No, he was an incompetent jerk. A rat-bastard would have you spot a legendary dwarven axe on the bottom of the river - one that can only be wielded - or even moved - by a dwarf wearing heavy armour. You than had to decide whether to brave the cold, fast, deep, monster-infested waters in order to correct this ancient wrong (as the loss of this artefact and the utter lack of any clue as to its whereabouts) and probably drown or play it save and let your race keep one of its most emberrasing secrets - which someone they met would exploit.

That's a feeble attempt at being a rat bastard DM, was just written by me, who's quite tired at 1:25 AM and thinking about 10 seconds. A real rat bastard DM gets plenty of sleep and spends hours contemplating how to mess with you. 

An incompetent jerk just wants to kill you to compensate for something.


----------



## demiurge1138

So many stories, so little time...

I'll go for an old favorite first. I must have posted this on a few other threads before, but it's still a classic.

3.0. Near-epic levels. The party has ended up going from Faerun to Rokugan, and got involved in stopping the ghost blood-mage Iuchiban from raising the King of all Oni. One of the characters is a elf rogue who's convinced he's a fighter. Oh, and a cursed _ring of nine lives_ had turned him into a catboy. The party's followed Iuchiban to the Festering Pit, where the ritual's already in process. Fu Leng's mammoth horns are emerging from the muck.

"So," say I, "the ritual could be complete any moment now. It has to be stopped. What are you going to do?"

Wonderboy says "I'm going to pounce on Iuchiban!"

I stare. We all stare.

"I said I'm going to pounce on the ghost. Is that a problem?"

Well, the good news is, having a confused and screaming catboy plunge through his ectoplasm was certainly enough to get Iuchiban's attention. The bad news is, he knew _creeping doom_. And won initiative. Catboy got skeletonized.

Demiurge out.


----------



## Gentlegamer

Drunk player moment:

During the _Forge of Fury_ module, a player that had brought his own _case_ of beer declared that his barbarian was going to charge across the rickety rope bridge at the orc guards on the other side. I reiterated how crappy the bridge looked and asked for confirmation of that action. He didn't relent. Something like three consecutive failed saving throws later, his barbarian was a red mist at the bottom of the gorge.


----------



## Nyaricus

Well, considering he's now a cocaine addict, I think he got his... 

Anyways, he was a jerk and an ex-best-friend-turned-backstabber to boot. Oh well, life's a baatezu, and then you die, eh.


----------



## demiurge1138

OK, time for another one. This one is a compound stupidity, if you will. Two bad ideas that went worse together.

So I'm actually playing this time. Our party is stuck on an island, and we've just weathered an army of zombies rising from the sea. The ferry's not coming back for a few more days, and we want off as soon as possible. We found a folding boat, but that can only fit about half of us. Our only recourse is that rather tattered little rowboat sitting in the natural cove on the island.

The whole party's looking down at that boat. The cove is rocky, full of seaweed. None of us want to go there. Looks dangerous. Finally, the party cleric says "fine, if none of you're going down there, I'm going by myself. Help me with this armor."

Yes, that's right, folks. He took off his armor, in case he slipped into the water. Fair enough, I guess... except then he was ambushed by a chuul.

The rest of us are standing up on the shore, firing away. Our druid says, "I know! I'll use the seaweed to entangle the chuul!"

The chuul made his save. The now armorless cleric didn't. The rest of us ran in and grabbed the boat after the chuul dragged the cleric's lifeless body away for consumption.

The guy who played the cleric didn't come back. He was kind of a jerk, so I didn't mind too terribly.

Demiurge out.


----------



## Nyaricus

demiurge, that one has a great set-up  I like adn think I might use it in a game I'll be running


----------



## Hussar

WampusCat43 said:
			
		

> Rogue PC enters a magically darkened room in the WLD.
> 
> PC: "I move in 5' and feel around."
> 
> DM: "You don't feel anything.  It smells like a wet dog in here."
> 
> PC: "I move in 5' and feel around."
> 
> DM: "You don't feel anything.  You hear a low growling..."
> 
> PC: "I move in 5' and feel around."
> 
> DM: "You don't feel anything.  You hear several things in the dark, growling."
> 
> PC: "I move in 5' and feel around."  (Consistent little cuss).
> 
> DM: **CHOMP** "You don't feel anything.  Your arm was just eaten by one of three dire wolves.  Roll for initiative."
> 
> All we managed to recover was one of his boots.




Ahh, Region B, so many memories, so many dead PC's.  

Merk and Away, you stole my thunder btw.  

The funny thing is, the replacement character for the dead druid is a monk/paladin/Templar somethingorother.  Can't hit anything.  Doesn't do any damage even if he does hit.  But NEVER fails a saving throw.


----------



## Merkuri

Hussar said:
			
		

> Ahh, Region B, so many memories, so many dead PC's.



Most of them played by that one guy. 



			
				Hussar said:
			
		

> Merk and Away, you stole my thunder btw.



This thread's been around since November.  You've had plenty of time to post both events. 



			
				Hussar said:
			
		

> The funny thing is, the replacement character for the dead druid is a monk/paladin/Templar somethingorother.  Can't hit anything.  Doesn't do any damage even if he does hit.  But NEVER fails a saving throw.



And he's earned his "iron player award" for surviving 25 sessions.  Doesn't do much good for the party, but he's alive.   He's gonna be so miffed next level when the halfling rogue surpasses him in reflex save modifier.


----------



## Kae'Yoss

demiurge1138 said:
			
		

> The party has ended up going from Faerun to Rokugan




That sounds like fun, in a "why keep people acting all insulted and insisting on a duel" way.   



> he knew _creeping doom_. And won initiative. Catboy got skeletonized.




Wait, did the old creeping doom not have a casting time of one full round?


----------



## demiurge1138

Kae'Yoss said:
			
		

> Wait, did the old creeping doom not have a casting time of one full round?



Hey! Good catch! I just looked it up, and it did! That was four years ago. Actually, reading all the rules carefully wasn't my forte back then. For example, it wasn't until slightly after the Rokugan game ended that I reread the rules and said "OK, we've been doing it wrong all this time - no attacking and casting a spell in the same round". Silly partial actions...

So yeah, this story could probably get filed under "stupid DM tricks" as well.

These two can't, though.

So the party's travelling via airship from one continent to another, but a saboteur has managed to sneak on board (the saboteur is a PC who left the group by reason of insanity, so I got to use my player's twink natures against them). The saboteur waits until the airship is over the middle of the ocean, starts cutting a hole in their elemental engine. Portal to the Plane of Air opens, weird elementals start crawling all over the ship, the PCs find the saboteur.

The big battle mostly comes down to the saboteur and that player's current broken character (the reason that the frenzied berzerker is forever banned in my games). The other characters are either tied up fighting elementals or unconcious. One of the still concious ones, once the elementals are taken care of, decides that it's too dangerous on the ship, grabs a rope and decides to ride behind.

The saboteur sees this and cuts the rope.

Much later, same party, same airship. The party's taken it upon itself to stop the rampage of terror caused by the aforementioned frenzied berzerker, who's been dominated by a dragon and is running around the countryside killing anything that gets in his way. They spot him in the burned out wreckage of a village.

Do they
a) Maintain their ranged superiority using missile weapons and spells?
b) Load up the ballistae on the airship and fire at him until he bleeds out?
c) Tie ropes to their ankles and charge him bungee style, trusting in the few PCs staying topside to be able to pull them topside if they need it?

My genius tacticians picked c. And got slaughtered for it. Add to that that one of the players, increasingly petulant from the grandstanding done by the player of both the saboteur and the FB (now playing a paladin), _healed_ the berzerker once they'd finally gotten him to the point where he'd die once the frenzy was over.

While the paladin this player hated was safely out of reach. Glick.

Demiurge out.


----------



## Kae'Yoss

demiurge1138 said:
			
		

> Hey! Good catch! I just looked it up, and it did!




I knew that one. Our druid used it a couple of times. Since he started with 18 con (lucky bastard rolled 2 18's*), it wasn't easy breaking his concentration, so the spell would usually fire off (and most of the time, the other guy had no SR).

Switch creeping doom with finger of death or power word kill and the story's golden again.


I remember something I first thought was stupid:

My party went through City of the Spider Queen, and found that fiend caged in a circle (for the resident archmage to extort for favours. The fiend launches into his best sales pitch, promising them everything if they let him go (while not intending to give them anything but death). 

I was just saying something like "Let me go and I give you whatever you want" and I just hear "I'd like to order something." I think my face fell off my head!

Turns out that one player thought this a great time to call pizza delivery...


*after the campaign ended, I almost begged the DM to use point buy. I said: "that character was dominating like there's no tomorrow. Nothing against the player - he was a great player - but it should be more even." DM refused. Guess who was next in line to have 2 18s for his character. The funniest part: It was 20Modern, so increasing stats wasn't.

After that, we used point buy


----------



## The Edge

At the begining of a campain. One player had came a good hour or two early to help with something, and I decided he could do a bit of solo stuff before the others arrived. His rogue character was suposed to be the one greeting the other PCs to the city, and _was_ going to act as a kind of guide for his buddys who hadn't been here before. 

He for some reason decided he wanted to see the mayor at his keep. The old woman at the desk would have none of it and after he pushed his luck she called the guards. To my surprise he ran Into the keep and this crazy chase followed. I had the hard job of figureing out how to run it, which involved deciding what was behind each door as he came too each room. He stole the cutlery, freed a prisoner for no reason, bribed a cleaner, stole a painting, disguised him self in a nobles clothes, started a rumour that he was somewhere else with a hostage, claimed he was a duke to another guard (in a country where the monarchy had been removed 300 years earlier), got onto the battlements, absaled part way down the outer wall, and shouted something at the mayor through his window. The guards came to the top of the wall where his rope was tied and demanded he came up imediately (which would follow with an arrest). Not wanting to be caught he jumped uncontroled down to the river (the keep being on a little island in the river), took 9 points of nonleathal damage as he smacked hard onto the water and drowned unconcious.   :\ 

   In what little 'plan' he had made about his vist, this was not part of it. 

I then had the other players wandering around the city wondering whatever had happened to Davos.


----------



## STARP_Social_Officer

Trying to get into a dwarven city, the bard opted for what I can only describe as the "direct" approach. He went up to the guard on the gate and said, "Ho, Master dwarf. What a very fine beard you have there."
The dwarf gave him a look that doesn't translate into words. They did eventually get inside, but the opening gaffe meant he'd lost them before he started to negotiate for what he wanted.
This is a bard, mind you, with a +20 on his Diplomacy check.


----------



## Ed_Laprade

STARP_Social_Officer said:
			
		

> Trying to get into a dwarven city, the bard opted for what I can only describe as the "direct" approach. He went up to the guard on the gate and said, "Ho, Master dwarf. What a very fine beard you have there."
> The dwarf gave him a look that doesn't translate into words. They did eventually get inside, but the opening gaffe meant he'd lost them before he started to negotiate for what he wanted.
> This is a bard, mind you, with a +20 on his Diplomacy check.



Ok, I don't get it. Dwarves are supposed to be proud of their beards, so why is an opening gambit of complimenting the guard a negative? And if he's got a +20 why did he say anything? Just roll. (There, that ought to get a good Roll vs. Role flamewar going!)


----------



## Olaf the Stout

Ed_Laprade said:
			
		

> Ok, I don't get it. Dwarves are supposed to be proud of their beards, so why is an opening gambit of complimenting the guard a negative? And if he's got a +20 why did he say anything? Just roll. (There, that ought to get a good Roll vs. Role flamewar going!)




I'm a little confused by that too.  I wouldn't have thought that the comment was such a big gaffe.  And if it was a bad thing to say and the PC had a +20 on his roll I would have had the dwarf still respond favourably but tell him to watch what he says next time as it may get him in trouble with others.

Olaf the Stout


----------



## Lalalei2001

One time a character jumped off a cliff to see what was at the bottom. Thanks to a Ring of Regeneration, he survived.


----------



## Lalalei2001

EDIT: Lt. Jack Frost was being smuggled in a cargo plane to an unknown destination. Mid-flight, he decided to check his altitude so he opened the cargo bay doors to look out. Needless to say, he went *splat*. 

The cargo plane lost altitude due to the open cargo bay. Several PCs (Valkyrie Pilots) attempted to stablize the plane. One clipped his wings trying to fly inside the cargo area to close it from inside, another got hit by the overhang. Both failed their crashing rolls.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Running to a militia-controlled city for necessities, Luvas ticked off the border patrol for refusing to explain her business. A bard later penned an epic ballad of her death (very popular in my campaign world) -- "She was shot and shot and shot and shot and shot once or twice more, then the bayonettes, they flew, and then she was shot some more."


----------



## Lalalei2001

>_>
<_<

Hello?


----------



## Deuce Traveler

Hello.


----------



## FrostedMini1337

Epic Level Ghost: Each of you may take 1 artifact, but you may never tell anyone where you got them.  It must remain a secret.  The effects of telling anyone where you retrieved these will be more dire than you can handle.

The PC's redline back to their base of operations and report to there commanding officer.  It *literally* takes maybe 1 minute from that line to this one:

Leader: Gods! You were gone for so long we feared the worst? What happened?
PC #2: We got these!  I think they're really powerful *Holds up weapons*

I honestly almost cried.


----------



## Voadam

Ed_Laprade said:
			
		

> Ok, I don't get it. Dwarves are supposed to be proud of their beards, so why is an opening gambit of complimenting the guard a negative? And if he's got a +20 why did he say anything? Just roll. (There, that ought to get a good Roll vs. Role flamewar going!)




Sounds like there is complementing and then there is hitting on. The dwarf might have taken that as an inappropriate "Hey sexy" type of comment. Unwanted sexual advances in the workplace from the party bard. Those +20 diplomacy guys think they can get away with anything.


----------



## an_idol_mind

While making a getaway from the city guards, one of the players had a great idea to drop the reins and jump off the horse. Then he tried to scale a building, which left him prone as the guards took potshots at him with a crossbow. To this day, I honestly don't know what he was trying to do.

I also had a recent session where the group went on a propaganda mission, putting posters all over the enemy's base. They happened on a cave full of basilisks, and one of the characters had the genius idea to put a poster ON a basilisk.


----------



## Goldmoon

Me DM'ing: You step through the door and onto a ledge hanging in mid air. In the distance you can see several "floating islands" looking down you see only clouds.

Player 1: Can I roll a Knowledge: the planes, to see if I recognize the palce?

ME: sure, go ahead.
*rolls a 17*

ME: you know that you are in the quazi-elemental plane of air.

Player 1: _Quazi_-elemental plane of air?

ME: Yes, you are essentally in the sky above what amounts to a huge flat ground. All life lives up here in the air.

Player 2: (obviously not paying attantion) *turns to the other characters* "Watch this" *looks at me* I step off.

ME: what?

Player 2: I step off.

ME off the cliff?

Player 2: Yes.




Um....splat. I thought I was going to die laughing.


----------



## theemrys

We had one YEARS ago... 1e days... the party was decending into the depths and encountered a lich.  They fought hard and won, but were sealed in a cavern with no way out.  The player who normally played the cleric wasn' t there (running late), so one of the other players was playing that character that day.  Deciding they were out of options, they called out to St. Cuthburt for divine intervention..  I rolled and got the 1%... St. Cuthburt himself arrives to the summons.  The party begs and pleads to be freed from the cavern and the deity grants it, but puts a geas on each of them to tithe 50% of what they get from the adventure to his church.  At this point, the party dwarf comes forward.  This dwarf had a bad habit of mocking and assaulting the cleric in the party.  He steps up and states "While you're here, can you identify these potions for me?"  There was silence around the table... In the end, I laid a BUNCH of geas and quests on him so he could serve the church for a LONG LONG time...  When the player arrived who plays the cleric, the others started to fill him in... His first reaction was that they should have just stayed and died instead of bothering his God... he was mortified!  Then... they told him about the dwarf.  I thought I'd nearly have a fight between players on hand... It was quite the memorable experience.


----------



## theemrys

Here's another few from a group playing Shadowrun I ran...

First, on the first adventure the Former Company Woman ran up the stairs to attack... got hit by burst fire and was flatlining as she tumbled down the stairs.  The mage healed her.  She got up, ran back up the stairs... took another burst in the chest... fell back.  This time, the mage just stablized her and left her there to conserve some energy... She was known as Flatline after that.

The better one though was the PCs planning to hit a compound.  Now, all the players were students with me at a military school, so were all into the planning part of the runs.  As they started planning they realized they didn't know how to get around the cameras around the facility, so put that aside and kept planning.  3 and a half hours later, they finished their plan.  (One of the guys got board and started studying for his American History exam instead and decided his character would do the same... so spent some karma on getting a few points in it...)  Finally, they started the run.  They never did remember to go back and figure out the camera problem though, so 2.3 seconds into their run, the plan that took them 3 and half hours to make went out the window...


----------



## Goldmoon

Probably my signature character is an Elvin thief named Cossette. She's not too bright so I dont know if this counts.

We were adventuring in undermountain and got hit by a random teleport. We appear in the middle of what we would later refer to as "The great west-coast minotar conference". We were surrounded by about 200. Our leader, Thane, with great effort manages through gestures and noises to explain the the minotaur leader that we are friends and just want to pass through. All this time Cossette is on his arm tugging away "Thane, I speak minotaur, let me do it. Thane, are you listening? Thane...Thane....THANE I SPEAK MINOTAUR" Finally Thane (knowing full well what a ditz Cossette is says:" OK Cossette, repeat everything I say, EXACTLY as I say it" After several minutes of Cossette repeating everything back to Thane just as he said it she finally begins translation. She walks up th the Minotaur leader with an outstretched haand and, as loud as she can says " MOOOOOO!" 
The result was new characters for all!


----------



## SorvahrSpahr

the party's ninja starts following the BBEG through the city, and finds out that he is headed for the city's castle. There was an autunm-welcome festival arriving, and preparations were beingin made. So, after the BBEG goes past the guards and starts walking up the road to the castle, the ninja decides to hide herself inside a barrel of wine. the wagon starts moving, and the barrel is dumped inside a room. she tries to open the lid, but something heavy is blocking it. she tries a strength check and gets out of the barrel and realizes she's in a dark room. after I told her SEVERAL times that she couldn't see anything in front of her, she decided to keep walking. so, after breaking some vases, kicking barrels, and tripping over a chest. the guard appears with several guards and get's her arrested.


----------



## The Edge

From one i played in.

Small vilage, monsters comeing from the river, the lvl party goes to sort it. Some creatures resembling aquatic dolphins are found and the rouge and ranger start takeing opportunistic shots at them. The monk decides he is more useful in melee, even if his opponents are in the river, so cannonballs in. Underwater he discovers a dozen or so critters that all try to pull him down.

Although he actually did amazeingly manage to survive, but only with the aid of the wizard (me) casting enlarge on him. It was an amuseing thing to imagine, a 12 foot monk thrashing around in the water. The ranger did have to pull him out unconcious by the end of it though.


----------



## coyote6

It's not really stupid, IMO, just absentminded:

A couple of weeks ago, the PCs are raiding the dark elven fortress Ul-Drakkan. At one point, the wizard tosses a _cloudkill_ spell down a stairwell. The party goes on to explore the level they're on. A short while later (maybe 15-20 minutes in game, an hour or two in the real world), the party heads downstairs. I describe the room they enter, with the scattered & pain-twisted corpses of dark elves lying about.

Meanwhile, one player is looking at another, both of 'em with wondering looks on their faces, all, "Wow, what happened here! What killed 'em all?"

Beat.

"Oh, wait. We did."

(The players caught themselves, and they pointed out to the rest of us what they were thinking/muttering. Still, it was hilarious at the time.)


----------



## FrostedMini1337

Goldmoon said:
			
		

> Probably my signature character is an Elvin thief named Cossette. She's not too bright so I dont know if this counts.
> 
> We were adventuring in undermountain and got hit by a random teleport. We appear in the middle of what we would later refer to as "The great west-coast minotar conference". We were surrounded by about 200. Our leader, Thane, with great effort manages through gestures and noises to explain the the minotaur leader that we are friends and just want to pass through. All this time Cossette is on his arm tugging away "Thane, I speak minotaur, let me do it. Thane, are you listening? Thane...Thane....THANE I SPEAK MINOTAUR" Finally Thane (knowing full well what a ditz Cossette is says:" OK Cossette, repeat everything I say, EXACTLY as I say it" After several minutes of Cossette repeating everything back to Thane just as he said it she finally begins translation. She walks up th the Minotaur leader with an outstretched haand and, as loud as she can says " MOOOOOO!"
> The result was new characters for all!





Hilarious.  Best since "universal language of mathematics"


----------



## Lalalei2001

In combat, Ahlia was dragged into a giant frog's mouth. Urge, the group's barbarian, saw her bare feet dangling from it's mouth. Thoughtlessly, in an attempt to save her he thrust his sword into the frog. Impaling her in the process.

Another time, my friend's character jumped of a cliff after drinking what she thought was a potion of flight. It wasn't. Dwarves can't fly.


----------



## Fenes

Not really stupid, but amusing:

In a Shadowrn game, one PC had been hit by a series of attacks. Then, one man appeared in front of the door of the PC, offering to explain the reason behind this. The PC, being a mage, cast "Detect Truth", and interrogated the man. He got everything - a cabal of vampires planning to sacrifice him for something his father did, people opposing the cabal, among them vampires, even locations. And the man was always telling the truth. The only thing the PC didn't ask during the 20 minutes the talk took was on which side the man was on, the cabal or the other group - and so he walked straight into a trap the man had prepared when he followed him to the man's car.


----------



## Brother Richard

*My Fighter Friend*

My group came upon a 150 foot cliff.  Everyone searched for the way dowm accept the full plate and sheild fighter, who attempted to climb down the 150 foot cliff with a 50 foot rope.  He failde due to his armor and he would have died from 100 feet anyway due to the rock spikes at the bottom.  The ranger saved him by shooting with an arrow attached to a rope.  We knocked him to -9, but we pulled him back up.  Later we found a path down.   

My Inquisitor of Azuth didn't want to spend his 100 thousand platinum at level 5, and se was seperated from Andrina his party member.  To get to Andrina she bought a broomstick from a gut in Calimport who wanted to kill Andrina due to her setting free the evil efreet.  The broomstick automatically takes you to Andrina and once it finds her, it turns into a metearswarm and hits her.  I did it.  Andrina was knocked to -10 and died.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Lance, a Mechwarrior, was sent into a old abandoned factory to investigate. He forgot to turn on Image Enhancement and stumbled into something big, say a 100 ton Atlas. He engaged his jump jets for a Death From Above only to be reminded he was in a building and falling after hitting his Panther's head on the ceiling. The Atlas powered up, walked over, and kicked his cockpit in.


----------



## Kae'Yoss

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> Lance, a Mechwarrior, was sent into a old abandoned factory to investigate. He forgot to turn on Image Enhancement and stumbled into something big, say a 100 ton Atlas. He engaged his jump jets for a Death From Above only to be reminded he was in a building and falling after hitting his Panther's head on the ceiling. The Atlas powered up, walked over, and kicked his cockpit in.




 That's freaking hilarious! Don't they screen Mech pilots for gross incompetence before they entrust them with equipment worth several countries?


----------



## Lalalei2001

Apparently not.


----------



## Herobizkit

GURPS Post-Apocalyptic homebrew.  One hero finds a multi-warhead rocket launcher, along with a cache of assorted warheads, including one mini-nuke.  I can't remember the damage for the weapon, but I'm pretty sure it was somewhere between 60-100d6 in a several mile radius; in GURPS, you get your Health score in HP, so an average hero might have 10 HP and a really tough one MIGHT have 14 or 15 HP.  He loads the launcher up to full capacity, all excited that we have an actual nuke, "just in case".  

We play through a couple of days' worth of game time.  We come upon a small city, mostly intact.  We decide to get greedy, break into a military installation, and try and steal some swag to use for barter.  Naturally, we get caught, and after a short chase we are forced to barricade ourselves into an office building, still fairly populated.  We fight from floor to floor, fending off troops in Power Armor (personal mecha).  We are pretty liberal with our rocket payload, and we're definitely fighting a losing battle.

THEN, we get near the top of the building, and a heavily-armored atttack helicopter finds us and starts spraying the entire floor with machine-gun fire.  In a fit of panic, our hero says "F*** it!  I unload the rest of my missiles on the helicopter!"

Guess we ALL forgot about the nuke... GM included.   

WHUMPF.


----------



## Evilhalfling

Brother Richard said:
			
		

> My group came upon a 150 foot cliff.  Everyone searched for the way dowm accept the full plate and sheild fighter, who attempted to climb down the 150 foot cliff with a 50 foot rope.  He failde due to his armor and he would have died from 100 feet anyway due to the rock spikes at the bottom.  The ranger saved him by shooting with an arrow attached to a rope.  We knocked him to -9, but we pulled him back up.  Later we found a path down.




very funny 



			
				Brother Richard said:
			
		

> My Inquisitor of Azuth didn't want to spend his 100 thousand platinum at level 5, and se was seperated from Andrina his party member.  To get to Andrina she bought a broomstick from a gut in Calimport who wanted to kill Andrina due to her setting free the evil efreet.  The broomstick automatically takes you to Andrina and once it finds her, it turns into a metearswarm and hits her.  I did it.  Andrina was knocked to -10 and died.




um really? this sounds like stupid things DMs Do.   meteor swarm broom at level 5? 
what is  the cost of disern location + broom of flying + 1 charge meteor  swarm? ALL to kill a mid lvl PC?


----------



## Ghendar

Stupidest thing a PC has done eh?

Well, this one guy ran his fighter type right into the waiting maw of a Century Worm. 

Same guy with same PC but at a much lower level decided he wanted his character to go rabbit hunting while the rest of us checked out a cave. We're in there getting our asses handed to us by a troll and company but he bagged us a tasty rabbit dinner! Moron


----------



## xstarrx

"So what's in the box?"

"A shocker lizard"

"I'm going to poke at it with my dagger"---BZZZZZZT


----------



## Wonko the Sane

#1: (2e) PC party is chasing a wounded lich through his stronghold.  The party pours into a room with one other corridor leading off.  Said corridor is blocked by a shimmering purple field.  This was the exchange between players (PC 1 - NE elf wizard - everyone knows she's evil; PC 2 - NG elf ranger - everyone knows he's stupid)

     PC 1: Hey ranger - why don't you step through that purple stuff to see if it's safe for us to walk through?
     PC 2: Okay. (Steps through purple field)
     DM: Roll a save vs. Death.
     PC 2: 1.
     DM: The ranger screams and turns to dust.
     PC 1: Fine.  I cast passwall beside the purple field and we walk around it.

#2: (2e) PC party is exploring an old ruined dwarven stronghold.  They enter a 40' diameter circular room that is almost entirely filled with a cone-shaped mound of fine, silvery white powder.  Everyone in the party (except one) agrees that they should just leave it alone.  The dissenting PC walks up to the mound and pokes it with Whelm (yes, _that_ Whelm). *POOF* a cloud of the powder wafts from the point he poked it and envelops him.  A few dozen item saves later, his best magical gear (including Whelm) has been rendered permanently non-magical.  A forgivable mistake - after all, he couldn't have known what it would do.
     The other dwarf PC kits out the unfortunate former-wielder-of-Whelm in some spare gear.  Feeling lucky, he rushes back into the room and _dives_ into the pile of powder this time.
     Needless to say, he spent the rest of his life (all two hours of it) with non-magical gear.

#3: (2e) PC party is being accosted by a large (20+) group of trolls.  The party bard (with the kit that lets him show off with his weapon to intimidate enemies - not kill, just intimidate) convinces the wizard to fly him above the trolls, and then drop him in the middle of them so he can chop them up.
     It rained bard for a good long while.

#4: (3e) ~15th-level/6 member PC party has to go to Skullport and hook up with the Xanathar thieves' guild to get some info.

     #4a: The party walks through the portal to Skullport and ends up in a ramshackle hut, with the only door out guarded by a hill giant and his pet hellhound.  The hill giant demands 100 gp per head to leave to Skullport proper.  Rather than pay the easily affordable toll, the party elects to slaughter him and his little dog too.
     When the skulls showed up to investigate the death of one of their guards, the PCs resist.  A (overly?) nice DM was the key to surviving this pickle.

     #4b: After paying the fine for killing the hill giant (~10,000 gp), the party goes to the tavern where their contact was supposedly waiting.  The rogue says "Let me handle this - I know how to talk to them."
     The rogue confidently walks in, idles up to the bar, and in a normal speaking voice asks the bartender "Do you know how I could get in touch with the Xanathar thieves' guild?"
     The bartender just looks at him and snorts derisively.
     The rogue leaves the bar dejectedly.
     The paladin decides to handle things his way.  He walks into the bar, party in tow, and threatens the barkeep at flaming greatsword point into revealing who is Xanathar's contact in the tavern.  With shaking fingers, the barkeep points out a rat-faced gent sitting in the corner.  Dudley Do-Right grabs the poor thief and drags him outside, threatening death if anyone tells what they have seen.
     Outside, the paladin tells the thief "We're here for some information...give it to us!"
     Needless to say, the thief provided inaccurate intel.

     #4c: With most of their Skullport contacts dead/intimidated into uselessness, the party has one last avenue to gain the information they seek - a medusa who runs a statuary in Skullport.
     The two barbarians decide that this time, they'll run the show.  As the 'roid freaks kick in the front door of her store, the medusa runs through a door at the back and closes it behind her.  The lead barbarian kicks that door in (natural 20) and it clobbers her (she was right behind it).  The wizard, under the effects of _iron body_ grabs the unfortunate medusa, with nothing but her head poking out from his massive iron fist.
     Just when they could have interrogated her peacably, the axe-wielding barbarian decides that he'd better subdue her.  "Flat of the blade," he exclaims, "so I'm just doing non-lethal damage.  Oh...and full Power Attack, since she'll be easy to hit."  One critical hit from a raging barbarian wielding an axe later (~150 hp of "non-lethal" damage), and the wizard is holding the limp form of a medusa with a flattened head.
     Party returns to Waterdeep, no smarter than when they had left.

#5: (From D&D tournament last year) One encounter had the party land their ship on a desert island.  In the middle of the island was a small freshwater lake.  On a small rock in the center was a silver lamp, covered in dew.  Rubbing the lamp frees the marid (water genie) within.  His tale of woe (on a handout) ostensibly tells the PCs to use the wish granted by the marid to free him (if you've seen _Aladdin_ you know what to do here).  No less than five of the PC teams wished for something else, and had to fight him, whereupon he goes back into the lamp after being defeated.  Two teams fought him _twice_, turning what should have been a 5-10 minute encounter into a 2-hour bloodbath.  When one team tried to fight him a third time, it was time to drop some hints for them.

#6: (From D&D tournament this year) In exploring the ruined tower of a supposedly long-dead lich, the PC party discovers a room with a stone pedestal in the center.  Upon the pedestal lies a very well-preserved, and very pretty, human woman.  Her face has the pallor of death, but she hasn't decomposed at all.  On the side of the pedestal is an inscription that informs the PCs that to wake her, someone must kiss her.  The funny thing here is that two of the PCs actually get into an argument over who gets to kiss her.  That being settled, the victor collects his spoils and lays a big ol' kiss on her lips...
     ...which wakes up the vampire monk from her sleep.  Did you know vampire monks are really tough?

#7: (3e) PC party is trying to get through a drow base in the underdark.  The first guardian they encounter is a gargantuan spider who makes his home in a chasm lined with webs.  Only a few PCs could fly and therefore safely fight the spider from somewhere besides the narrow ledge they were walking on, and they were not doing well.  The PC ranger decides that he's going to jump from the ledge onto the spider's back.  He missed.  One 500-foot fall later and the drow had a new body to make a zombie out of.

#8: (3e) The PC party is trying to figure out a way past a _forbiddance_ spell cast around a castle that they want to enter.  Not only is this barrier in place, but the castle is surrounded by an army of fire giants (and worse) that also wants in.  The cleric, upon reading the description for _find the path_ learns the _forbiddance_ password and tells it to the rest of the party.  The PCs charge through the giants' lines and each whispers the password as they cross through the _forbiddance_.  The last PC to cross (the rogue) decided to holler the password loud enough for the giants to hear it.
It created a lot of extra drama, having an army of giants chasing the PCs through the castle filled with drow/undead/demons.  If not for small doors, they would not have survived.

     That's all I've got for now...I'm sure I'll remember more later.

WtS


----------



## Rackhir

Back when I was just starting out playing AD&D (DMG had just gotten released a few months before) the DM let everyone have a 5th lvl char for the campaign instead of having to start off at 1st. So eagerly siezing the oportunity to wield the AWESOME might of "Fireball" and "Lightning Bolt" I ran a mage. 

Went off into the dungeon where we ran into some sort of small dragon and I decided to use the MIGHTY Lightning bolt. Which since this was AD&D the Lightning Bolt, then bounced off the wall behind the dragon and hit my mage (and a good chunk of the party) knocking him unconcious. While unconcious he was murdered by one of the other party members who had wanted to try and subdue the dragon. When the party tried to raise my mage, he then of course failed his system shock roll and died for good. All in all probably the single unluckiest character I had, who was not helped by a fair amount of stupidity on my part.


----------



## Wonko the Sane

My girlfriend just reminded me of a few of hers.


Spoiler



Actually, I just didn't post them before out of fear.  Send help.



#9: (2e) During our exploration of a tomb in the Mere of Dead Men, we stumbled across a room full of grandfather plaques (about 30 of them, IIRC).  All that they could do was fire one _magic missile_ each, but it was 30 of them.  We weren't dead yet - then the wild mage runs to our rescue.  Being fresh out of real lightning bolts, she belts out a _Nahal's reckless dweomer_, hoping to get a lightning bolt out of it.  She rolled a 99 on the surge table - it worked!
...it also lasted for 10 minutes.
The DM figured that since lightning moves at something close to c, a 10-minute duration, 2e-style bouncing lightning bolt would incinerate everything within several miles that it didn't bounce off of.
This included the party entire (of course), a pair of big black dragons, all kinds of undead, lizardfolk...millions of XP.  The wild mage had a few "if i get killed" type contingencies, any of which would have meant she gets us resurrected and we win.  She blew her rolls, and we all died.
Thus was born the legend of one lone wizard wiping out the Mere of Dead Men.

#10: (3e) The 5th-level PC party was fighting a medium-sized black dragon in it's lair, an underground cavern with about 20 feet of water at the bottom.
The battle wasn't going too badly, the party spread out so as to not get decimated by the dragon's "pop out of the water, breathe, pop under the water" schtick. and had managed to do a fair bit of damage via readied spells/arrows.
The barbarian, frustrated at her lack of missile weapons, dove into the water on top of the dragon.

Rest of party and DM:  
Barbarian: So can I make an attack roll, or what?
DM: ...ok, go ahead.
Barbarian: uh...AC 14?
DM: Miss.  Dragon's turn...(rolls behind screen)...uh...how many hit points do you have?
Barbarian: 15 left.
DM: The rest of you are showered by barbarian parts. Thank you, come again.

#11: (2e) Wild mage fun again (forgot about this one...my stupidity this time).  The wild mage was handing out _strength_ spells before a big fight.  The gnome rogue took one from her, and she wild surged...the effect was permanent!
"Hmm...I could use one of those," thought my rogue.  Of course, the mage was happy to oblige.  Her wild surge ended up making my teeth explode.  A handy potion of regeneration before I woke up helped her convince me that it had all been a bad dream.


----------



## Kae'Yoss

Wonko the Sane said:
			
		

> Being fresh out of real lightning bolts, she belts out a _Nahal's reckless dweomer_, hoping to get a lightning bolt out of it.  She rolled a 99 on the surge table - it worked!
> ...it also lasted for 10 minutes.
> The DM figured that since lightning moves at something close to c, a 10-minute duration, 2e-style bouncing lightning bolt would incinerate everything within several miles that it didn't bounce off of.
> This included the party entire (of course), a pair of big black dragons, all kinds of undead, lizardfolk...millions of XP.




This should spawn two more threads: "Stupidest Rules Designers have done" and "Stupidest rulings DMs have made"


----------



## theemrys

Ok... here's a couple more. 

The first one took place with my group before I joined, but we all heard of it.  One of the players was playing Snaxar, a Kobold Thief-Acrobat.  He was in the top of a tower and they had just defeated the enemy.  In the process of the fight, a large amount of water had been spilled around the tower floor.  When investigating the potions, Snaxar tasted one and suddenly his feet rose from the floor.  Deciding that he could fly, he promptly jumped out of the window... After he was resurected, the others explained to him that it was a potion of waterwalking...

The otherone was with a group of PCs I was DMing.  The main fighter in the group was a meglomaniac and had been ticking many of the others off.  The party was heading down a long underground tunnel, when that player announced that he was going first.  Another player decided that enough was enough, and his ranger said that no.. he was going to go first.  This went back and forth, and soon both players declaired that they were racing down the hall to be first.  The rest of the party (mage, cleric, theif) were all walking along behind at regular pace.  Shortly, the two characters (making much noise in their armour) ran into a chamber that had a line of gnoll archers waiting for them.  The table went quiet... the two players looked at each other, looked at me, and in unison pointed at each other and said "He was first".  I couldn't have been planned better.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Ban was hanging by one leg from a fourth story window after having been kidnapped by arms smugglers. The party fashioned a catch-net from tied-together overalls to break his fall. 

One of the characters set her blaster on 'stun' to cause Ban's body to go limp, thus making it easier for him to hit the catch-net held by two other PCs. 

This had the unintended effect of causing stun damage. He fell THROUGH the catch net and absorbed just enough damage from that and the blaster shot to kill him.


----------



## Olaf the Stout

Lalalei2001, how old are you?  And how is it that your games involve so many cases of people doing or saying stupid things?

The amount of posts you have on these threads just boggles me!

Olaf the Stout


----------



## Lalalei2001

I'm 15 and I have a very close group of friends. Lots of dumb things we do are unintentional.


----------



## xmanii

Diremede said:
			
		

> I explained to the player that the room he was in had many torture implements and execution devices along with what appeared to be many experimental traps.  Upon scanning the room I explained that on one wall was a hole just large enough that a medium size being could stick their head inside.  Around the bottom of the hole was a black stain that ran to the floor.
> 
> In all seriousness his response was to stick his head in the hole to see if he could see what was on the other side.
> 
> I simply replied that there was a bright light.





lol, classic.


----------



## Hunter In Darkness

oh i have sooo many but my fav it statred by the mage soaking herself in oil to fit though a hole in the hall earler long story there but when the deathknights fireball hit her she went up in flames so there she is running a round on fire the party trys to put her out the ranger cover he in whisky "to put out the flames " we just stop then all hell broke loose the player playing the mages screams no he dosnt  im laughing so hard i almost fall out my chair the others are argueing with each other over it he looks dumbfounded and then says hay whats the big deal its wet  so it got to be better then nothing ....it must have been 30 mins b4 we could go on it did make the death night confused lol


----------



## SorvahrSpahr

the party cleric casting light on a zombie

while fighting a DM custom-made monster, which could cast Phantasmal Killer, the monster casts it, and everyone saves, the monster said "there's plenty more from where that one came", the cleric's turn came, he didn't protect the party with the right spell, instead she cast a freakin' bless, a couple of turns later, we get hit with another phantasmal killer. the cleric was no more.

with a desperate way to avoid a tough fight, the party's rogue was trying to negotiate with a demon (thank you guys for helping me with the creation of the demon, it was a great battle), the party's ninja kept insulting and pissing her off. as I was going to ask for initiatives, the party's rogue yells at the ninja to shut up. when he turned around, the ninja said one last thing against the demon, they rolled initiatives, the ninja was knocked unconscious in 3 rounds


----------



## STARP_Social_Officer

Kae'Yoss said:
			
		

> This should spawn two more threads: "Stupidest Rules Designers have done" and "Stupidest rulings DMs have made"




I think it's hilarious. I only wish it'd happened to me. Reminds me of the time a mage in my old campaign cast a _dispel magic_ in a strong wild zone and ended up dispelling himself (ie. wiping all spells from his memory). That was cool.


----------



## shilsen

In the three sessions of a game I'm in run by Rolzup, I've done three of the dumber things a PC of mine (human rogue/duskblade) has done. All with full awareness and intentionally, because that's what my PC would do at the time:

1) The PCs (3rd lvl) are in an underground complex, surrounded by a bunch of creepy blind tunnel-dwellers, talking to their leader near a well. Suddenly, a song wafts up from the well and we have to make Will saves. I succeed, but two of the other PCs fail and head for the well. One jumps in before I can get there, but I grab the other right on the brink. And then one of a bunch of hidden enemies charges and bull-rushes us both in. 

We land in a spider-web, and some distance below us is the first PC who fell in, trying to fight off a huge half-woman half-spider. We're stuck in the web, with no way to climb out or get down and help the lone PC, who's way out of his league. So I pull out a wand, look at the other PC, and say, "Set the web on fire." He looks at me like I'm nuts. "No, really - set it on fire; it's the only way we can reach him."

So, for the next two rounds, I fall through a burning web, taking damage all the way, firing a wand as I fall (and hitting every rd), until I land next to my ally with 4 out of my 21 hp left.

2) We chase the spider-creature into a series of rooms, and then get ambushed by it as it hits us with some sonic damage, sticking its head around a curtained doorway. The dwarf fighter goes rushing in after it, and I follow. As I come through the door, the creature takes an attack on me, dropping me to 7 hit pts. I'm too close to use my ranseur and if I back out, draw an AoO. So, instead of using Combat Expertise and going defensive, I drop my ranseur, use a spell (Blade of Blood, PHB2), causing 3d6 extra dmg but doing 5 pts of damage to myself (taking me to 2 hp) and punch it in the face with a spiked gauntlet. And roll a 20 and an 18 for a 23 pt crit. Then it hit us with a sonic attack, I blew my save, dropped to -9 hp and was dragged away and healed in the nick of time. But it was worth it.

3) Next session, we're in a fight where I and the party rogue have 5 enemies surrounding and attacking us (we're 3rd lvl, & four of them are 2nd and one 4th). I just got critted and would have been killed if it wasn't for the group using three of the swashbuckling cards we use. And the dwarf decides to cover our escape by throwing in two smokesticks. Which, he fails to calculate, leaves the two of us down to half speed, surrounded by enemies, in a smoke cloud, and unable to take 5 ft steps. 

I manage to barely make my way out of the smoke, to find that the other PCs are busy fighting new enemies. And, more importantly, that the rogue is stuck in there alone, with all the enemies. 

So I look at my character sheet, look at the DM, and say what I fully expect to be my PC's famous last words - "I have 7 hit pts. I'm going back in."

I survived, the rogue survived, and so did everyone else. Fortune favors the brave and the really, really stupid.

So there are three of my stupid PC acts, none of which got me killed. Didn't do any really stupid acts yesterday, but did get dropped to -5 twice in four rounds. I think I'm running through my nine lives fast.


----------



## Chimera

Last night we came awful close to what would have been a remorseless TPK on my (GM) part.  Not so much a 'stupidest thing' story, but a near miss.

Party is thrashing around too interested in being heroes to actually stop and think about the PLOT that is going on.  Scads of opportunities to talk to people and figure things out are going by with them too interested in fighting first.

They've killed the 'advance party' in a battle that took pretty much everything they had.  All but one of the Cleric's spells, all but the Wizard's _Detect Thoughts_ spell, several Dork Tower cards, a bunch of Hero Points.  They foolishly kill the one guy who is begging them not to kill him and could have provided a wealth of information.  They save the enemy cleric from dying only to have her laugh at their foolishness and provide a small amount of information that they've so far lacked.  (Strangely, after mentioning that he has the Detect Thoughts spell remaining, the Wizard doesn't bother to use it on the prisoner!)

That was in the morning.  They 'Power Nap' (Dork Tower card) to get their spells back and prepare for the main force, which is coming after dark to perform a large sacrifice on the hilltop they occupy.  They've previously been told, by a prisoner they freed from a Kobold prison, that on one occasion, 3 humans and 24 Kobolds were sacrificed.  On another, it was 6 Humans and 12 Kobolds.  Astonishingly, the players don't "get" the numbers and seem to be expecting a small group to be arriving.

That night, a large procession of over 200 Kobolds and their prisoners comes in to view.  Sorcerers, Clerics, Bards, Rangers....  With lots of prisoners (more than needed?), bags of supplies, litters, animal cages, etc.

The players leave the enemy cleric on top of the hill, alive, as they head down the back side of the hill and circle around.

They spend close to an hour arguing about attacking the Kobold force *directly*, "in order to save the prisoners".  Got pretty heated at times, with one player ready to walk out the door.

I would not have had a single moment of regret for killing the lot of them.  Six 4th level characters against over 200 Kobolds, many with class levels.  Suicide, and I won't pull an entire nerf factory out of my butt to save people from that kind of willful stupidity.

Fortunately, they settled on a hit-and-run attempt at the back end of the train, which succeeded only due to some additional card-and-hero point action followed by _RUN AWAY!!!_

That and the fact that, while they managed to free 3 Human prisoners and get them out, the Kobolds still had enough to carry out the sacrifice.

You'll see this in my Story Hour next weekend.


----------



## Lalalei2001

My cousin told me about this one.

DM: "You know, you're 6' high and sitting on a 3' high horse in a saddle designed to keep you from falling. Now you're charging at full speed into a 7' high cave. What are you going to do?"
PC: "Hit my head on the cave roof?!"

He died.


----------



## SorvahrSpahr

this must be THE greatest thread ever. someone get this one stickied for eternity


----------



## Lalalei2001

^ Lol, thanks 

My cousin had another dumb RPG moment.

After single-handedly defeating scores of goblinish guardsmen to rescue his princess, Sir Althegol burst into her chamber and struck a dramatic pose...only to get his skull smashed in by the ogre who was currently residing there. The princess' cell was on the other side of the hallway (which the DM had pointed out, but which Sir Althegol had forgotten in his romantic fervor, the idiot).


----------



## SorvahrSpahr

that must've been one of those "What the..." moments for the player


----------



## Slife

More of a had to be there moment, but still pretty stupid.

So the semi-neutral party is interrogating one of the halfings who broke into their brewery and had a wild party, trashing the place.  They've tortured him a bit, and he's starting to spill the beans

Pc1: Where are the others
Halfing: They're -
Pc2: *Slap*
Halfling: All right, I'm telling you they're -
Pc2: *Slap*
Player 1: Stop slapping the halfling.
Player 2: No.  I slap him again.  It's in character.  I'm roleplaying.
GM: What's your alignment?
Player 2: Chaotic good.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Ok, so Causabon accidently cut off the head of an old man's assisstant, the only one who could tell us where he had gone. The town was going to search the old man's house the next day becasue they were worried about the old man, so we had to hide the body. Avo and Causaon snuck the body out of the center of town and into the woods. 

We got a half mile into the woods. Did I mention we had quartered the body to make it easier to move? The rest of the party was disgusted and stayed behind, so there was just 2 of us. The smell of carnage drew wolves, 12 uber-dire wolves. Did I mention we were in Ravenloft? 

No problem, Causabon has a nifty chaos bag. He reaches in and pulls out...a hole! It must be a hole to somewhere so Causabon yells "Avo, in the hole!" and jumps in, followed by the fighter. It was a hole that was 200 feet deep.


----------



## Lalalei2001

^ Needless to say, they died.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Maxxis was hired to guard the visiting dictator of a militant moonbase-nation. When the entourage was ambushed, he forgot his job description...and ducked behind the dignitary for cover. His employers showed their disapproval in gunshots.


----------



## WillieW

Me (as DM): There is a _green slimy _ substance all over the stone door.
Player: Taste it.


----------



## STARP_Social_Officer

WillieW said:
			
		

> Me (as DM): There is a _green slimy _ substance all over the stone door.
> Player: Taste it.




The acronym ROFLMAO doesn't come close to my reaction to this one! Allow me tp express it in emoticon form:
                 plus many more...


----------



## Lalalei2001

LOL! It's like he asked the DM to taste it instead of him tasting it!

Let me guess. It was poison.


----------



## shilsen

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> LOL! It's like he asked the DM to taste it instead of him tasting it!
> 
> Let me guess. It was poison.



 I'm guessing green slime.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Is that poisonous? (I haven't had green slime in a campaign for a while).


----------



## Rackhir

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> Is that poisonous? (I haven't had green slime in a campaign for a while).




Green slime is much worse than poisonous, it disolves any organic matter it's in contact with turning it into more green slime. Think of it as self reproducing Draino...


----------



## Lalalei2001

Owch, lol. Now I get it


----------



## Lalalei2001

Here's one my friend did.

The party had tied all their 50' ropes together and were using them to mark the halls. They came across a deep pit. The ranger decided to jump. He tied one of the ropes around his waist and the other two fighters held the opposite end.

The theory was, if he missed the far edge, the other two could stop his fall and pull him back up. The ranger leaped, and missed the far end. It wasn't until this exact moment that the group realized that they'd never untied all the ropes... the ranger was plummeting down a 30' pit with 200' of rope.


----------



## Deuce Traveler

I think I just took 2d4 points of INT damage IRL.


----------



## Scarbonac

WillieW said:
			
		

> Me (as DM): There is a _green slimy _ substance all over the stone door.
> Player: Taste it.





Oh, no way. Almost the exact same thing happened in one of my games.


DM (Me): Well, it appears to be some sort of mold, and it's yellowish.

PC: I lick the yellow mold.

Me:


----------



## STARP_Social_Officer

I love how so many people's first reaction when encountering a foreign substance is to taste it.


----------



## Aeric

I recently did something fairly stupid that could easily have ended in a TPK.

Our party was hired to find some children who had gone missing from the city.  During the course of our investigations, we had discovered that the kidnappers took the children to their base deep underneath the city, where they were sold into slavery.

The party navigated through the upper levels of the dungeon, where we found nothing but traps and hostile enemies.  Shortly after reaching the lower level of the dungeon where the slavers lived, we opened a door and were asked by the guards inside, "who are you?"

Everyone is stunned, except for me.  My character (a drow swashbuckler) steps forward and tries to Bluff the guards into thinking that we are there to buy slaves.  He has an average Charisma and two ranks in Bluff, but I roll surprisingly well and the guards buy it.

We are taken through the remainder of the complex, mark the locations of all the pit traps which the guards deactivate for us along the way, and go straight to the boss' room where the auction is being held.

Up for auction at this point is one of the missing children.  My character manages to win the bid for the child, much to the chagrin of the rival bidder.

My character approaches the auctioneer with the bag of money, and manages to make an untrained Slight of Hand check to palm a dagger in the other.  The idea was to stab the auctioneer in the throat when he reached for the money.

The auctioneer was wearing full plate armor, complete with a visored helmet.

The next session started with us stripped of our possessions and in the slave pens.


----------



## Merkuri

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> The theory was, if he missed the far edge, the other two could stop his fall and pull him back up. The ranger leaped, and missed the far end. It wasn't until this exact moment that the group realized that they'd never untied all the ropes... the ranger was plummeting down a 30' pit with 200' of rope.






			
				Aeric said:
			
		

> My character approaches the auctioneer with the bag of money, and manages to make an untrained Slight of Hand check to palm a dagger in the other.  The idea was to stab the auctioneer in the throat when he reached for the money.
> 
> The auctioneer was wearing full plate armor, complete with a visored helmet.
> 
> The next session started with us stripped of our possessions and in the slave pens.




If you ask me, these both sound like variations on the "you didn't ask" syndrome to me.  Facts like, "all of your ropes are still tied together" and "the auctioneer is in full plate" should be things that the characters notice, even if the players don't.  If a player has his character act on bad information - regardless of whether it's his misunderstanding or the DM accidentally leaving something out - they should be allowed to revise their actions (within reason) after being informed of the actual situation.  

I'd think after the first knot went by in the rope that the person holding it would've said, "oh sh--" and would've grabbed for it.  If the idea was that one end of the rope was tied to the jumper and one end was tied to something else, there's no way you wouldn't notice the extra 150' of rope in between.  And if the slave-buyer hadn't realized the auctioneer was wearing plate armor, he definitely should have once he was handing over the bag of money and deciding where to stab.  

Players shouldn't be punished for not noticing things they would've easily seen had they been there in person, IMO.  D&D isn't a riddle (though it may contain them).


----------



## Kae'Yoss

I got another, even with pic! 

So the party fought its way through a dungeon filled with Spawn of Tiamat and Dragons, searching for Ultramarine, which they think is a blue dragon of some sort. There were Dragons and/or dragonspawn of all five colours in separate parts of the dungeon, all decorated with tapestries showing the respective dragons.

They enter a large room, showing designs of all 5 dragons. In the middle, there's a large magic circle. What does the gnome warmage do?

He steps right up.

And this appeared! 




			
				Aeric said:
			
		

> hostile enemies.




Best kind!


----------



## Deuce Traveler

Merkuri said:
			
		

> Players shouldn't be punished for not noticing things they would've easily seen had they been there in person, IMO.  D&D isn't a riddle (though it may contain them).




Right on.


----------



## glass

I don't want to name names, but a lot of these strike me as stupid (or just bad) DM moments more than stupid player moments, and on that basis, I present my own recent stupid DMing moment.

The first encounter in The Whispering Cairn (Age of Worms part 1) is 



Spoiler



a trio of wolves.


 The PCs have just finished generating their characters, and we just have time for one encounter before everyone heads for home, to give the characters a bit of a shakedown. Unfortunately, one of the players has come up with a really cool 



Spoiler



wolf-themed


 character, and I want this simple combat encounter as it is getting late and there is plenty of more complicated stuff coming up in future sessions.

So I decide, without looking closely enough at the stats, to swap them out. For boars.

Turns out, boars are CR 2 and very, very nasty. Three of them is certainly too much for a party of 4 1st level character (even if they are gestalt). One hasty HD reduction later and it is still a tough encounter, but at least it wasn't a TPK!


glass.


----------



## xnrdcorex

Let's see. I am always playing the ultra-chaotic idiot character.

I've eaten black mold to see if it would be a good ingredient for my friend the cooks delicious foods.

I've grabbed an orb on a pedestal, it was a shockinggrap trap, then I grabbed it again thinking the trap was gone but it was auto-reset.

I called the leader of the temple of elemental evil a "ugly melted garbage face" to his face...that got the town attacked by a dragon and a bunch of spider-killers.

I smashed a mosaic on the ground 10 times, each time having to make a will save until I finally failed becoming insane all because my character hated mosaics.

I told my friend to fireball the room and that "I'd be fine, I'm a fighter!" when in actuality I would not be fine. I in fact would be dead.

One of my players when I was DMing was playing a druid. He was on an airship in an Ebberon campaign that was crashing to the ground. He had been playing his halfling "Action Jack" like Crocodile Dundee and forgot he had spells and druid abilities, so he used a ring of feather fall land safely instead of summon natures alley or wild shape letting his animal companions and a friendly npc fall to their deaths.(he had two animal companions from his prestige class)

One of the stupidest things one of our friends always plays a character named Gabriel or William. We complained about how lame it is that he only uses two names and that he should be more creative. His next character was named Willbriel...


----------



## glass

STARP_Social_Officer said:
			
		

> I love how so many people's first reaction when encountering a foreign substance is to taste it.



My niece does that. Of course she is only seven months old. 


glass.


----------



## (Psi)SeveredHead

Here's a minor one from Grasp of the Emerald Claw.

[sblock]We were raiding a lost giant temple. Much fun. (In Eberron, the old giant civilization was magically powerful. If we ever saw weird magic on the continent of Xen'drik, chances are, it's giant magic.) We knew the Order of the Emerald Claw (terrorists in heavy armor) had gotten there before we did. They had stolen a powerful McGuffin from us, and we wanted it back. We thought there were going to use it to do something horribly evil in the temple. Unfortunately, our party, being unable to agree on anything, and being too smart to split up, decided to search every room in the temple. It was like playing Diablo ... in a bad way!

We knew there were Emerald Claw member and drow in the temple; the former were dangerous but the latter were wimps.

We found a promising room. There was only one door into it (a human-sized door, probably used by former elven slaves), but we believed (at the time) there was another door leading to some part of the temple we hadn't seen. Unfortunately, around the door were a bunch of dead members of the Emerald Claw, who looked a little ... dehydrated*. We could estimate the area-of-effect of the trap based on the distribution of the corpses, as my Int 17+ wizard put it  It's always nice when you have allies, but not when these allies are unknown to you and would probably do the same thing to you. Thinking it might be a magical trap, my halfling wizard character cast Detect Magic. There was an aura of necromancy so powerful my wizard couldn't have replicated it. Neither the OotEC nor the drow likely had the magical prowess to do so; it was probably a giant trap. Since I could still detect magic, the trap had probably reset. Either that, or it was powerful its "faint" aura was beyond anything I had ever seen. I'm not going in there!

We wanted to get into that room, but we were afraid of the trap. Except our paladin of the Undying Court. It was obvious he wanted to walk into the room, but that was only OOG - in-game, he said nothing more suspicious than "maybe we should try to go around it". While we were bickering, he walked into the area of effect "to see what it would do". *Sluuuuuuuurp!* Well, he lived, only because he made his save, so he took only half damage from the 15th-level Horrid Wilting effect. All of his lay on hands went into keeping himself in fighting shape, and even then he was low on hit points. We ran away, and didn't come back there for several days. (It took us that long to raid the temple.)

* In the adventure, it's actually a Wail of the Banshee trap, but the DM nerfed it, on the grounds that the trap was too powerful for a 6th-level adventure.[/sblock]


----------



## Rothe

More of a Doh! moment than true stupidity.

Party of six low level adventurers (level 2-3) need to cross a room filled with spear bearing skeletons (20 total).  IMC having the weapon makes them much more dangerous.  The party correctly surmizes they are not your average skeletons from their glowing red eyes.  The skeletons are in a evil temple complex and the party had slain several of the priests and the high priest.  Unfortunately 2 of the party had been "marked" as enemies of the god in their encounters.  The party correctly surmizes that wearing the unholy symbols they took from the priests will allow them to cross the room.  The 4 unmarked members cross wearing the unholy symbols.  They also guess that the unholy symbols won't help the "marked" PCs.  The marked PCs run across the room, skeltons activate, a touch and go battle ensues, one PC almost buying it and consuming all the party's healing stuff to avoid death.

After the battle they say, "Maybe we should have taken the skeletons spears away before entering," which would have worked.


----------



## Lalalei2001

In Paranoia, a player died by saying his name too quickly.

Computer: "Citizen, please state your Identity" 
Com-R-Rad: "Com-r-rad" 
Computer: "I'm not your comrad, and you are a pinko commie traitor." *sounds of lazerfire* "Have a nice day"


----------



## SiderisAnon

*Stupid Player Tricks*

There are numerous stories from my years as a gamemaster. Here are couple of the ones that are the most memorable for me.



In a 2e D&D game, the party was in a situation where the bad guys had retreated down a hole in the fortress basement with flying magic. Dropping a light stone down the hole, the party could tell that the hole was about 12 feet across at several hundred feet deep. One of the PCs has a Ring of Feather Falling, so another PC gets on his back piggyback style and they jump down the hole. However, the PC wth the ring decides the slow fall is taking too long, so he drops a light stone and when it gets just past his feet, he pulls off the Ring of Feather Falling with the intention of putting it back on as soon as he can see the bottom.

At the end of the 300 foot fall, the two PCs are moving very fast, and the light stone only gives them about 20 feet of warning of the bottom - a fraction of a second. I was kind and gave both a Dex and an Int check to try and get the ring back on. He critically failed both. 

Splat.



In another 2e D&D game, this time in college, the party were exploring a dungon and had come to a dead-end passage. There they were ambushed by a group of goblins. The goblins were using some very crafty tactics, but eventually the fight went poorly for them. The remaining goblins fled through 3 foot high passages, closing panels behind themselves, temporarily stopping the party's pursuit. Then lamp oil began pouring out of holes in the ceiling and onto the party. The party's thief pulls out one of the prepared fire arrows he always carried, lit it, and shoved it through one of the holes the oil was coming out of.  

Whoosh. Boom. (Though the party did survive.)



Finally, one from Shadowrun that became a running joke. The party is trying to get into a warehouse to go after some bad guys inside. After most of an hour of planning, where they realize that no one has made a character capable of picking a lock, they come up with this complicated plan that involves simultaneous strikes and the use of grenades ducktaped to the door to get inside the building. They sneak up to the building and are just in the process of planting the first set of charges, one of the players finally thinks to ask, "Uh, hey, did anyone actually check if the door was locked???"

Which, by the way, it wasn't.


--SiderisAnon


----------



## Hussar

Had a blindingly stupid player moment today in my World's Largest Dungeon game.  A truly fitting situation given the number of "pull the lever" threads of late.

Here's the setup:  Goliath fighter finds a pair of statues with very pretty gold plated spears, shields and tabards.  He asks the DM (me) about the spears using his very high craft Weaponsmithing skill.  I reply that the spears are masterwork at least.

He then rushes back to the party and snatches the rogue to get him to check things out.  We're good so far.  The rogue checks things out and discovers the delayed blast fireball trap on the statues.  The rogue, not interested in spears, says that he isn't going to risk disarming the trap, particularly since he recently died from almost exactly the same trap.

The goliath fighter then pulls on the spear.  Nothing happens.  Pulls on it again.  And again, and again, each time failing his Str check to pull the spear out.  By now, there are rather a lot of off color jokes about the Goliath pulling frantically on his spear, ahem.  Well, on the fifth round:

Boom.

Off goes the 16 die delayed blast fireball.  51 points of damage.  The fighter makes his Fort save for massive damage.  Sitting on the floor, he chugs a potion to get some hit points back, stands up and... you guessed it, starts pulling on the spear again.

For 5 rounds.

Boom.

57 points of damage.  Rolls a 2 on his fort save for a total of 13.  He dies.


----------



## Merkuri

Damnit, Hussar!  Away and I were fighting over who was gonna post that!


----------



## awayfarer

Ha! What she said.


----------



## Lalalei2001

LOL! Hussar, that's hilarious!


----------



## Hussar

Hang on, if you like, you can actually read the transcript.

The Death of a Goliath

Search down about 3/4's of the way.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Ok 

EDIT: PWAHAHAHA! HILARIOUS!


----------



## Elemental

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> ^ Lol, thanks
> 
> My cousin had another dumb RPG moment.
> 
> After single-handedly defeating scores of goblinish guardsmen to rescue his princess, Sir Althegol burst into her chamber and struck a dramatic pose...only to get his skull smashed in by the ogre who was currently residing there. The princess' cell was on the other side of the hallway (which the DM had pointed out, but which Sir Althegol had forgotten in his romantic fervor, the idiot).




"Honey, you've _really_ let yourself go."


----------



## Lalalei2001

My friend is guilty of this one.

Oh, Joe was a champion of Justice and Truth!!! After seeing his fellow PCs obliterate a village in a primitive (yes, quite primitive: iron age) world, he tried to cosmo-blast them into molecules. Unfortunately, he just managed to kill the bartender and destroy the games room of the Piolin (Space-Freaks light pleasure cruiser), infuriating the rest of the crew. 

Then, seeing his mischievous deed, Jethro (the self-proclaimed demagoge and paranoid leader) teleported him to the heart of an active volcano, then to the north pole of the (really primitive) planet, then back to the volcano, and so on... 

Epitaph: Here lies "Icy-Hot-Joe", fried in the Cosmic Forge. 
Note 1: This grave stone has been written by the G.M. (el Clerigo) and Jethro (Freedom). 
Note 2: A copy of this epitaph has been sent to the Reeaallly Primitive Planet.



This one involved me.

To start it all of, I was hired by a dawrven enchanter, along with the rest of the party, to clear out a dungeon. We made it to a room with a young blue dragon. As I moved forward to rescue a downed companion from becoming a chew toy, the thief in the party critically failed his attack roll on the dragon and speared me in the back. 

I survived (thanks to the gods), and we returned to the surface to rest for the night. In the room we found a Deck of Many Things.

 After seeing all the cool stuff they had gotten, I reluctantly drew a card. The player who played the thief made the offhand comment, "Well, the Donjon hasnt been drawn yet." Guess who drew the Donjon? Yup. Me.


----------



## Lalalei2001

And the reason the second one was dumb was because I didn't want to draw a card but did anyway. And of course, I died.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Anyone have any more?


----------



## (Psi)SeveredHead

The well of stupidity is running dry.

Here's one from Modern... but it's not _that_ stupid, so I don't know if it belongs here.

The heroes were on a jungle trek, trying to find a scientist who had vanished in the Amazon. As they travelled, they started running into really messed up mutated creatures, like giant jaguars.

The heroes faced a fairly large number of them. The jaguars had low Defense and all died except one (I don't use advancement rules anymore, instead "inappropriately" applying the Wild Cohort "template"). The one that lived had the template. Being the only one that was a real challenge, it severely injured a Gunslinger PC, but he squeezed out from the cat's grasp and then shot it with his SOCOM, staggering it. Naturally it tried to escape.

The Gunslinger was able to keep up with the big kitty due to his high speed and the kitty's injuries. The rest of the party didn't follow, however, as they figured the big cat wasn't a threat. So this one wounded PC followed it past some bushes, where he got ambushed and jumped on by three more big cats.

He lived, only because the cats' owners (a lost native tribe) weren't bad guys and called them off. However, his injuries resulted in him being given a strange and addictive cure which would cause him more problems as the adventure went on.


----------



## Kae'Yoss

It was not the PC, but rather the player. His big mistake was telling me: "Hey, this is probably the last time I get to play my monk - when I next play, the campaign will surely be over. So I want to go out in a blaze of glory!"

Okay then!   

They entered a room with a redspawn birther (large red dino-like monstrousity cooked up by tiamatans) and attacked. The birther got a crit on the monk (no, that one was rolled fair and square), dealing 52 or so damage. 

Then the player compounded his earlier error of not shutting up by saying: "I only need a 2 to make the fort save against massive damage!"

He rolled a one. 

I decreed that the birther nearly bit his head off, then pulled him in the air by his spine and snatched him from the air, promptly eating him. 

Let noone say I don't let player characters go out when they want to.


----------



## Kae'Yoss

Oh, another nice one, combining recklessness, foolery and some mean players having fun.

Evil campaign, we're level 13. Attending this day were 

My CE drow swordsage 11 (shadowhand and desert wind techniques) who can't bluff jack but always tries (if it works, it's cool, if not, they get angry and you have an excuse to kill everyone! Recklessness is fun!)

A mad, Cyric worshipping CE halfling rogue/invisible blade type.

A LE githzerei monk of bane.


We were in some border regions, disguised as a paladin of helm (me), sun soul monk and little child (who they thought was a chosen one).

We recently vanquished a great evil in the area (we don't like competition, but do like loot!), and enjoyed the tyrrans' hospitality in a castle with a big church of Tyr, and a shrine of Lathander.



Anyway, the monk (not the wisest guy, I wonder how he ever managed to become a monk) decided to desecrate that shrine of lathander a bit. In broad daylight! Okay, there was noone around right now, but still. He started carving Bane's symbol into the shrine with a shuriken, and of course, the thing became awfully hot, it began smoking and people were attracted. I don't remember what he did then, I think he did a very bad job of making an excuse (like that "that's not what it looks like, honest. How did that bloody knive get into my hands" kind of situation).

And now the fun started. The halfling / child was around to watch the whole thing, and started screaming "it was him! it was him!" This attracted a powerful paladin who detected evil, found the monk to be evil. While the halfling / child cried: "he deceived me all this time!" the paladin started to whack the hell out of that monk, who promptly fled home with his plane shift power. 

Of course, to get back, he had to plane shift again, and got back 400 miles or so from where we were. He got a teleport ride, but that wasn't cheap.   

We were in tears over this ("we" meaning "not the monk's player"). That's evil parties for you, teaching you a lesson about not being too damn obvious. It's the school of hard knocks indeed.

The best part was when we were giving the DM advice on what the paladin would use
"Did he use smite evil? Don't forget that!"
"I'm sure he'd power attack for more damage!"
"He looks as if he had Divine Might"


----------



## Lalalei2001

Here's one from my friend.

When his ship was hijacked, Alan and his party escaped his captors and set the ship for self-destruct. But there was one problem. They forgot they had to jettison the two lifeboats on a previous mission and they never bothered to replace them...

In space, no one can hear you swearing.


----------



## Aurora

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> Here's one from my friend.
> 
> When his ship was hijacked, Alan and his party escaped his captors and set the ship for self-destruct. But there was one problem. They forgot they had to jettison the two lifeboats on a previous mission and they never bothered to replace them...
> 
> In space, no one can hear you swearing.




BAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....nice


----------



## rose4100

*Pulled a "Scotty", "Han Solo" and "Colonel Oneal" all wraped into one*

I was DM'ing a D20 Modern game and the players were investigating a zombie cult at a church in the middle of "the projects" (i think thats the PC way of saying it). In a cave below the church they find the priest casting a spell in a completely dark room (only the priest is illuminated). So our token teen character rushes in as the gunslinger drops the priest with a single shot. 

I say "the floor feels soft and moves slightly under your feet". So when HALF the party is already in the room they finally decide to turn on a flashlight, low and behold they are standing on mounds of bodies, which start to raise as zombies. The entire party runs out except the token teen, which is surrounded by a mob of about 50 zombies (honestly, every square grid in the room has a zombie). Our gunslinger desides to strap together a dozen sticks of TNT, lights it and throws it at the girl which is in the center of the room. 

It lands at her feet, and KA-BOOM!! An entire room of liquified zombie and she makes enough saves to not take single point of damage (she was a fast hero).

Can i get C3PO to calculate the odds of that one?


----------



## Skiggs

rose4100 said:
			
		

> I was DM'ing a D20 Modern game and the players were investigating a zombie cult at a church in the middle of "the projects" (i think thats the PC way of saying it). In a cave below the church they find the priest casting a spell in a completely dark room (only the priest is illuminated). So our token teen character rushes in as the gunslinger drops the priest with a single shot.
> 
> I say "the floor feels soft and moves slightly under your feet". So when HALF the party is already in the room they finally decide to turn on a flashlight, low and behold they are standing on mounds of bodies, which start to raise as zombies. The entire party runs out except the token teen, which is surrounded by a mob of about 50 zombies (honestly, every square grid in the room has a zombie). Our gunslinger desides to strap together a dozen sticks of TNT, lights it and throws it at the girl which is in the center of the room.
> 
> It lands at her feet, and KA-BOOM!! An entire room of liquified zombie and she makes enough saves to not take single point of damage (she was a fast hero).
> 
> Can i get C3PO to calculate the odds of that one?




HELL YES. (I was playing the girl who got blown up) That roll had a DC 15, and I rolled 17. AND, my character survived nearly drowning in a pool of zombie goo.
That was a good game, especially when the gunslinger blew up an entire neigbourhood. I love that character. He's like a triggerhappy Mr. Rogers or whatever his name is, from that kid's show. The one where he asks you to be his neigbour.


----------



## rose4100

Skiggs said:
			
		

> HELL YES. (I was playing the girl who got blown up) That roll had a DC 15, and I rolled 17. AND, my character survived nearly drowning in a pool of zombie goo.
> That was a good game, especially when the gunslinger blew up an entire neigbourhood. I love that character. He's like a triggerhappy Mr. Rogers or whatever his name is, from that kid's show. The one where he asks you to be his neigbour.




Actually the DC was 25, you rolled a 17 and added your reflex to save it. Still... never heard a group of players make so much noise during that little session.


----------



## DonTadow

Used a calculator to add 10+ 12. as much as I frown on calculators at the gaming table, adding ten digits is just a shame. HOw did such a player get a college degree is proof of the failure of our american education system.


----------



## Slife

DonTadow said:
			
		

> Used a calculator to add 10+ 12. as much as I frown on calculators at the gaming table, adding *ten digits* is just a shame. HOw did such a player get a college degree is proof of the failure of our american education system.




... nope, I'll resist pointing out the irony


----------



## Maldor

saethone said:
			
		

> i once played a 2e dwarven fighter
> 
> i was in a dungeon, and a trap dropped around me - stone walls surrouned me, giving me barely enough room to move.
> I hear a voice in my head -"break the stick to escape"
> now, this trap had fallen twice before...both times breaking the stick let them escape
> my trap was different, the ceiling was on its way down - which didn't happen in the other ones
> apparently i had mis-interpreted the dm...what had been a wooden plank the last two traps, was a staff of the magi in mine
> 
> i wasn't lucky enough to be teleported to a random plane of existence




Your DM's NPC's considered it cost effective to destory a minor artifact for a dumb trap.
man i wish PC's could throw away a 300,000 gp item on a whim.


----------



## Maldor

Alaxk Knight of Galt said:
			
		

> Playing a Paladin in a long running 2e game, the average level of the party was about 10th.
> 
> Trapped in a place known as the mind realm, we needed to strike a bargin with a Vampire Lord in order to use a magic item held in her posession.  Being the good Paladin I was, I boldly state "I will not negotiate with evil!"
> 
> I think 2 party members ended up back at first level, I ended up at 4th level.  However we did manage to win (we drove off the Vampire Lord, killed one of her vampire minions, and trapped the 2nd one in a bad of holding with the help of a well place Wall of Force).
> 
> Good times




and this is why i hate having paladins in the party.


----------



## Lalalei2001

I like Paladins. They do dumb things.


----------



## Chimera

The Lawyer in me keeps telling me not to post in this thread.
Don't post in this thread.
Don't post in this thread.


My last (short lived) campaign.  An otherwise allegedly intelligent player.  
Halfling Rogue/Wizard.

Runs into a mob of 200 kobolds, at the back end of the train where they are holding their Human prisoners.  Drugged, hooded and tied together in lots of 3.  Two kobolds holding each one, with an extra kobold at the front and back of each group, with more Kobolds surrounding them.  Think they're well guarded enough?

He runs up between two of them and cuts the rope.  The Kobolds notice the rope fall.

Player sits bolt upright, angry.  "Pfft!  How are they noticing THAT!?!?!"   (Duh!)

Does it twice more before I tell him that the Kobolds are going berzerk and looking for their invisible intruder.  Tell him outright that if he does it again he'll be mobbed by Kobolds.

Dirty looks abound.  Man, was I a horrible GM for that one...   
Me, I thought I was being overly generous.

On another occasion.  2' tall Kobold 10' back down a 3' high tunnel.  Speaking to his Halfling and the Human Psychic Warrior, who are in a room with a 7' ceiling.  Halfling 'steps behind' the human and casts a spell.  Kobold makes the spot/listen check, makes the Spellcraft check.  Player gets angry with me because the Kobold _should not have seen him_.

Halfling then moves off to the side, 'out of sight'.  I guess that means the Kobold Sorcerer will completely forget the presence of a Halfling Wizard, eh?  Sure enough, he tries to sneak up and peek around the corner at the Kobold, who spots him and backs further down the tunnel.  Player gets angry(er) with me because the Kobold should not have seen him peeking around the corner.  (And shouldn't have backed up out of 10' spell range.)

After the fact, when I pointed out that the Kobold had introduced himself as a top aide (the "right claw") to the Kobold King and that I had *three different experience awards* for talking to him and gaining information, the player blew it off with "Well, 19 out of 20 times you're not going to get any useful information, so you might as well just attack."

When I pointed out that I'd spelled out up front that this was a more 'investigational' adventure, the player got confused and whined "But that just means less combat!"

I ended the game over that kind of thing.  He wanted grossly simple, I wanted more.

Oh well, at least he was active.  The other three guys spent most of the game sessions staring at each other, waiting for someone else to do something.

Hence my sig.


----------



## Kae'Yoss

Chimera said:
			
		

> I ended the game over that kind of thing.  He wanted grossly simple, I wanted more.
> 
> Oh well, at least he was active.  The other three guys spent most of the game sessions staring at each other, waiting for someone else to do something.




Ah, okay, I thought it was just that guy. In that case I'd just have shown him the door. But if the rest was inactive, ending it was probably the thing to do.

I had a problem player a short while ago, too. He didn't demand simple. He was just too rude about everything, and seemed to have completely different expectations about how the game was supposed to go. Bad combination, player is thrown out, problem solved.


----------



## Chimera

Kae'Yoss said:
			
		

> Ah, okay, I thought it was just that guy. In that case I'd just have shown him the door.




You know, the thing is that I've noticed this odd 'backlash' thing going on.  With this past group and the one before it.

I tell them that I want to run a more intelligent game.  Dynamic plots, intelligent enemies, more tactical combat, etc.  In other words, "step up your game boys, because it's going to be more difficult than a normal game".  Now, I'm no Master at these things, so it's not horrendously difficult.  I don't do puzzles, I don't use a lot of traps.  All I'm asking for is players who think things through, who use their brains.

In both cases, what happened is that otherwise intelligent people began regressing.  They refused to act intelligently, refused to engage the plots, refused to use any kind of tactical movement.  All of which they'd done in normal games.  They'd do bonehead moves they'd normally never consider, they'd do things like the above, where this player would NEVER tolerate that kind of thing when he was running a game.

And they'd do it without even noticing that they're doing it (for the most part).


In this last game, they had two places where the party got bottled up in a 5' wide hallway, with one PC able to attack and everyone else jockeying behind him, with every enemy in the room able to attack that one exposed PC.

Now my solution would be to use better tactics, to stop jockeying around in the hall, stop holding back casting buff spells when the enemy knows you're there.  Either get into the room or try to lure them out.  Start retreating if you have to, attempting to limit the number of attackers by bottling THEM up in the hall too.

Instead, the player above told me that I should ignore Logic and Defense issues and just make every corridor 10' high and 10' wide, so that everyone could maneouver easily and the combat would be "more fun".

Translation:  "I like playing this game on the easiest possible difficulty level."

Nope.  Find another game.



> But if the rest was inactive, ending it was probably the thing to do.




Three guys with "deer in the headlights" looks of confusion.  Very little participation. Seriously.  Not even a slight exaggeration.  Every session, all session, except in combat.  From here on out, anyone pulling that crap in a game I'm running gets shown the door.  

Immediately.



> I had a problem player a short while ago, too. He didn't demand simple. He was just too rude about everything, and seemed to have completely different expectations about how the game was supposed to go. Bad combination, player is thrown out, problem solved.




Yup.  Rude + Social Occasion = Bad News.  Amazing how many gamers don't get that.


----------



## Chimera

The session that really botched the entire adventure:

In town before setting out for the hills, a Fighter approaches several party members and says that he was ordered (by his and the party's employers - Republic government agents) to tell them about a misfortune that befell his party.

They had been scouting Kobolds north of the road when they were attacked by a man and a number of Orcs*  (*Orcs aren't local.  Only ones in region are 600 miles south.  This is spelled out three times in the starting materials and the agents asked the party to find out why the Orcs are here.  Keep this in mind.)  While the Orcs held the party at bay, the man, named Janx, kept waving a Wand of Sleep at the party until they all went down.  They were stripped naked, tied up and left outside a Kobold burrow.  The party Rogue got loose, untied the rest and they escaped, making their way back to town completely naked.

So the party gets into the hills and is followed by a man and a bunch of Orcs.  They turn to attack and the combat goes very badly for Janx and the Orcs.  Janx is captured, the Orcs are all killed.  Janx offers to lead them to his cache of riches if they will swear to release him.  The party refuses.  They decide to take him back to town for justice.

That night, they do not increase their watch (I asked).  They decide that the one person on watch can also watch the prisoner.  They say nothing about taking extra precautions.  So Janx gets loose and takes off at a dead run.  A while later, they track him down and catch him again.

Players angry.  Insist that they did this, that and the other thing to ensure that he wouldn't get away.  Did you tell me that?  No, we just ASSUMED.  Sorry, I don't make those kind of assumptions.  Next time spell them out or they don't happen.

While trying to escape, Janx ran directly toward a very tall hill with three large bonfires on it.  Nine days later, the party returns to the area and reaches this hill.

I map out the layout on the battlemat.  The bend in the path that cuts along the side of this hill.  A large swath of dead (brown) pine trees along the side of the large hill.  It's mostly flat top, devoid of trees.  They can see someone at the top, but are too far away for details.

The party continues along the path to the hill.  There, they find a Half-Orc (Remember the Orc bit?) coming down from the top of the hill.  They can see that the hill was once covered with trees, but they've mostly been cut down.  Time to question the Half-Orc.

His name is Muuk.  Probably an error, because they immediately said "He's just a mook, he doesn't know anything."  Of course, this is the same group that decided that nothing could be learned from talking, so maybe they're just stupid.  Half-Orc has never seen a Halfling before, thinks it is a child.  Says that he works for a Wizard named Artemis, who has been burning Kobold corpses on top of the hill.

Players immediately jump on the idea that they need to speak to Artemis to find out why he is doing this.  They use a Dork Tower card to aid their Bluff that the Halfling is Artemis' nephew and they need to get to his place.  Get directions from Muuk.

Halfling Wizard casts _Detect Magic_ and finds that the BattleAxe Muuk is holding is of Moderate strength.  (+1 with several special abilities, specially keyed to Muuk.)  I thought that this might jog them to more questions or investigation, but no.  

"Are you going to the top of the hill?"
No, there's nothing important up there.
(Surprised look.  I asked again a while later.)
"Are you going to investigate the dead trees?"
No.
"Are you going to ask Muuk anything else?"
No.
(Several other questions, asking if they're sure that they're not doing anything more here)
NO.  No.  No.

So off they went to find Artemis.  Artemis kept them waiting overnight, then came out and played to their false beliefs, providing nothing of use.  After the fact, the Halfling player castigated me for not having more to that encounter.  Two others expressed amazement that Artemis didn't just come out blasting.

_For what?  They didn't know anything!_

IF they would have checked things out at the Hill, they would have discovered;

*  The trees were deliberately poisoned over a year previously so as to provide a large amount of dry firewood.
*  Muuk was in the process of covering up the stuff on the hill, some of it was still exposed.
*  There were three outer pits, with bones and ashes.  A blood trail led from each to three  stones around the central pit, in which was a large black stone.
*  The black stone in the center was basically 1/6th of a stone wheel - think Stargate or a FR Portal.  Black Basalt, covered in runes, astronomical and magical sigils.
*  Strong Evil on the whole hilltop (if used Detect Evil).  Very strong Conjuration and Transmutation magic on the central pit, Very strong Conjuration magic on the stone.  Weak Transmutation magic on the outer pits.

Muuk, being a coward, would have told them a lot, though he still would have lied.  He would have said that Artemis is building The Wheel, a powerful magic doohickey, with the blood sacrifice of Kobolds.  (Actually, Humans too, but Muuk would not have told them that.  However, using magic or other means, they could have learned that.)  Muuk would have told them about Tengo, a powerful Wizard who made his Axe, and whom Artemis works for.

They would have learned a lot of other things too.  I initially worried that I was giving away too much information up front.

I didn't figure on players who completely failed to grasp the idea that *If the GM asks you if you are checking something out, the answer is NOT "NO"*.


I told them after the fact that there were multiple trails with clues scattered all around.  All along, I asked them if they were taking any of those trails.  Their constant answer was "no".  In the very last session, I went so far as to openly suggest that they go overland to another trail when the one they were on was blocked.  

*Halfling player says "No, I think we need to stick to the paths we know".*

There comes a point where Anger is justified, where repeated failure to listen or act intelligently just becomes overwhelming.  I sincerely regret that I didn't walk away before that point came, but I was trying to be generous and give them the benefit of the doubt.


----------



## Lalalei2001

^ That sucks.


----------



## Nightchilde-2

A LG cleric in one game I ran found an old human-skin bound book.

Making an appropriate Knowledge roll, he figured out what it was (*THE* Book of Vile Darkness) and had a general idea of the effects the book would have.

Cleric:  "Okay.  I'm going to read the book."
Me:  "You *did* just hear what I told you, right?"
Cleric: "Yeah, but I can make the saving throw, I'm sure.  How high can it be?"

I'm sure you can figure out the end result....

Another one....

This was one of our first 3e games.  The party scout saw a single goblin up ahead.  The party looked at me.  "Only ONE goblin?"  I nodded.  They decided to send the Fighter up ahead to fight the goblin.  Alone.

They felt the pain when they learned it was a level 6 goblin barbarian.  Ever since then, they  took even lone, single kobolds seriously.


----------



## Olaf the Stout

Nightchilde-2 said:
			
		

> A LG cleric in one game I ran found an old human-skin bound book.
> 
> Making an appropriate Knowledge roll, he figured out what it was (THE) Book of Vile Darkness) and had a general idea of the effects the book would have.
> 
> Cleric:  "Okay.  I'm going to read the book."
> Me:  "You did just hear what I told you, right?"
> Cleric: "*Yeah, but I can make the saving throw, I'm sure.  How high can it be?*"
> 
> I'm sure you can figure out the end result....




The line in bold was his downfall.  After making a comment like that he basically guaranteed himself to fail the saving throw, even if he did only have to roll a 2.  Never challenge fate, you'll always lose.

Olaf the Stout


----------



## Kae'Yoss

Olaf the Stout said:
			
		

> The line in bold was his downfall.  After making a comment like that he basically guaranteed himself to fail the saving throw, even if he did only have to roll a 2.  Never challenge fate, you'll always lose.




Not only that. I don't know whether that book actually grants a save, but after the guy told me "I'll get a save", I would edit that part out and go for the straight, inevitable kill. Metagaming is a cry for help. Those poor souls yearn for the end, and PC euthanasia is very legal.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Being chased by a red dragon, Talek, who had a ring of three wishes _ that he knew about_, said, "Oh man, I wish we were dead."


----------



## Numion

Kae'Yoss said:
			
		

> Not only that. I don't know whether that book actually grants a save, but after the guy told me "I'll get a save", I would edit that part out and go for the straight, inevitable kill. Metagaming is a cry for help. Those poor souls yearn for the end, and PC euthanasia is very legal.




Player saying that probably means that his character is thinking "Anything that book can deal, I can take (and use to my advantage)". 

Or, do you reduce points for a player saying "I power attack for 5" instead of "I swing really strongly at the expense of accuracy"?


----------



## Slife

Numion said:
			
		

> Player saying that probably means that his character is thinking "Anything that book can deal, I can take (and use to my advantage)".
> 
> Or, do you reduce points for a player saying "I power attack for 5" instead of "I swing really strongly at the expense of accuracy"?




And he wasn't even severely metagaming.  He's acting on about the same knowledge his character has.  Unless, you know, characters don't know their capabilities.  That must be amusing.  




(Now, if he had said that he knew he could make the throw on a 2 because of his stats, that's a different matter.)


----------



## Kae'Yoss

Numion said:
			
		

> Player saying that probably means that his character is thinking "Anything that book can deal, I can take (and use to my advantage)".
> 
> Or, do you reduce points for a player saying "I power attack for 5" instead of "I swing really strongly at the expense of accuracy"?




It's not just what is said, but also how it's said. Okay, I wasn't at the table, but from what the poster wrote it sounded a lot like he was metagaming this one. Even if he wasn't, and I misjudged this because of the lack of tone, I would have that information when one of my players would utter it.


----------



## DrNilesCrane

Old story, early 2nd edition, eons ago…

The party is traveling across a large island.  There are known, easily recognizable pirates operating near the island but certainly not inland.  That’s important in two paragraphs.  

They encounter a group of young knights and camp with them.  Talking with them, they learn the knights are basically on a training exercise: there’s a senior knight who knows what he’s doing and a bunch of young recruits.  They’re all wearing nice plate armor and are well equipped with weapons and supplies, but it’s clear that they don’t know what they are doing (think rich noble “boy scouts”).  Party camps overnight with them, shares watches, even show the kids a few “adventuring tricks of the trade” before going their separate ways the next morning.  Nice role-playing encounter.  

A few days later, the party meets with a corrupt leader of a nearby city who tells the party that the knights of the island are bad guys.  The party says, “Oh, like those guys we just met?”  As DM, I figure that the party is going to realize the corrupt leader is full of BS as he tells them “Yep” and adds that the knights they met are actually pirates in disguise and they need to be killed (it was a little more suave than that…but not by much).  To my surprise, the party agrees (ah…what?) and heads out, tracking down the knights and slaughters them.  A few of the PCs wonder aloud “Is this really a good idea?  I mean, they really, really don’t seem like pirates…do pirates ride horses, train with lances, and wear lots of plate armor?” as a few of the “boy scouts” cry for mercy, but one PC (something of a bully) is all for it and convinces everyone else that it’s all good.  As DM I loath to railroad so I figure, “hey, let’s see where this train wreck leads us.”

The party returns to the city and informs their new patron that the mission is accomplished (much to the patron’s surprise).  Seeing that he has a party of naïve murderers on his hands, he points them to a rival of his on the town council.  “He’s a pirate too: go kill him!”  Party agrees, I collect my jaw off the floor, and they stroll from their patron’s house, across town, right to the home of the rival in the middle of the day, asking for directions from the local guard on the way.  They see the rival on the porch—doddering old guy.  Half the party wants to attack (in the middle of the city, around noon – tons of witnesses) the other feels “something is wrong.”   I’m entirely confused from the DM chair that they think this might be a good idea, but OK, let’s see what happens…

While half the group readies weapons, the other half chats with the target and quickly realizes that he’s not a pirate, isn’t allied with them, and has nothing to do with them.  It’s pretty clear they’re being duped.  
They tell the rest of the party that they’ve been set up, but one character doesn’t believe them and attacks the geezer.  In broad daylight.  On his porch.  They kill him and flee after a brief fight between the party members, returning to their obviously diabolical patron—who, upon hearing the news of their attack on his rival, quickly realizes that his connection to the party is a bad idea.  He immediately sends them on a fool’s errand again, getting them out of the city so that he can have them killed off.

At this point the campaign is in the toilet—the party has gone so far off the path of reason, I’m not sure where to go.  But the party finally (!) starts to wise up and decides to take off rather than let their patron kill them, leaving the city and trying to find a way off the island.  More knights show up and a short while later, the party is all captured and “executed” by poison…  I decide to throw one more chance out there to salvage things and the party wakes up later and is forced on a “Dirty Dozen” suicide mission by the local king (“You’ve got thirty days to live…you can either run off and enjoy them or come back, mission accomplished, and get the antidote.”).   At this point we decided to pull the plug on the campaign and try something new…I asked the players “So what were you thinking?”  The “bully” just wanted to kill stuff.  The other players were wishy-washy and couldn’t say why they had gone along with it…” guess it was the thing to do.”  HUH?


----------



## Chimera

DrNilesCrane said:
			
		

> I asked the players “So what were you thinking?”  The “bully” just wanted to kill stuff.  The other players were wishy-washy and couldn’t say why they had gone along with it…” guess it was the thing to do.”  HUH?




Pretty much sums up the story I gave above about my recent ill-fated campaign.  One idiot who "just wants to kill stuff" and a bunch of wishy-washy players who don't want to make decisions.

Part of the problem, game wise, is having one guy who speaks up and leads the party into danger, while the other players are passive.


Of course, that too could describe just about any group of youthful trouble makers.  One or two boys who want to start something, cause some excitement, and a bunch of guys who go along 'just because'.  Later, they'll tell their parents and/or the Police "I don't know" when asked why they did it.


----------



## Lalalei2001

I'm still laughing at Bacon's story on page 3! ^_^


----------



## chakken98

Honestly I don't think this will top some of the storys already on this thread but he are a few of mine.

  In a 2nd edition game we were playing in one player decided to create an elementalist of fire.  Now in the game we are playing we generally had alot of time on boats and such.  Well, he also (not thinking of the world we were in) to include in his character history that he hates water and can't swim.  That player also never told us this until after I killed him, but heres the just of what happened.

group is in search of a sea dragon, we had just finished off a group of mountian giants and found a large gap inbetween the mountians.  There was a small ledge that a skilled thief (my NE thief) might be able to walk along.  DM tells us that would take to long so the dwarf fighter looks down and see's a large pool of water about 50 - 100 ft down.  And thinks that there is a hole or something in the middle.  and tells the group to jump in.  Some how I got moved to the back of the group as everyone but the elementalist and myself jumps in.  

"hey are you going to jump down or what."  I asked
"ummm....no" and he takes a step back
"are you scared of water or something"
"ummm....No" (I think he was trying to be macho in character or something since I was running a female elf)
"Okay..." I pass note to DM and tell him I push the fire guy off the mountian....
DM then passes note to elementalist and we then find out the he can't swim and drowned.

Same player in the RttoH, created a wizard.  DM made this one alot harder then it was in the book.  decided instead of casting spells at the horde of demons charging us that he was going to charge right at them instead.....we all then ran away....

My game, my brother in laws rouge decided to look around the wizards room and found a button that said "DO NOT PUSH"...he wanted to make a will save to see if he would resist the urge to press it....and when he failed pushed the button while ignoring the crys from the wizard to stop.  he was a male saytr rouge, and now....is a female elven rouge....and is none to pleased with his new found body....


----------



## Wolfwood2

ME: Okay, the Prince just walked into that room, got hit by a magical ray, failed his saving throw, and disappeared.  Either he got transported somewhere else, or that was a disintegration trap.  Now, I say that we all walk into the room one-by-one and let the ray hit each of us so that we can go and rescue him.

OTHER PLAYERS: We don't know....

ME: Look, (the DM) isn't going to kill the whole party.  And besides, I think I'd rather have my character die here than have to go back and explain to the king what we let happen to his son.

OTHER PLAYERS: Well, when you put it like that....

(One minute and four or five failed saving throws later.)

DM: Well, that's it for this campaign.


----------



## Lalalei2001

^ That made me laugh so hard I fell out of my chair.


----------



## tylermalan

demiurge1138 said:
			
		

> Trying to communicate with a demon using "the universal language of mathematics".
> 
> Demiurge out.




LOL, wow, I really laughed a ton.


----------



## Lalalei2001

While traveling the river Styx, Aefrel (being curious) looked over the side.

There was a splash of water and suddenly the last 40 years of his life vanished... he was a young elf happy in the woods, then bam, "AAGHHHH! I'm in a boat with a bunch of mercs and a very intimidating half-demon!" 

So, as the party tries to calm Aefrel down, he has a TRUE role-playing moment, "Mr. GM sir, do I know the water is dangerous?" 

"Well, I guess you don't, no."

 "I dive overboard."

 "You forget how to swim and drown."

 "Glub, glub?"


----------



## Lalalei2001

"Only six inches long? Ha... Wait, you don't mean six _scale_ inches, do you?" 

This was said in a miniaturefigures game. The character itself was 3/4" high.


----------



## Dykstrav

Back in the good ol' 1E days, I was a paladin in a fairly large party (nine characters) stomping through a dungeon. We were all still 2nd/3rd level, mind you.

In one room the halfling thief finds a skull sitiing in a pile of dust. Gems in the eyesockets and some of the teeth. The magic-user tells him to not touch it. I admit to a bit of metagaming, I thought, "Nah, couldn't be a demilich... Could it?" The halfling decides that he's gonna get those gems despite the objections of the magic-user and the two clerics in the party.

A few horrible death attacks and some VERY lucky saves later, the skull hovers back down to the ground and rests silently again. Amazingly, none of the characters died. The demilich targeted the magic-user first and he was PISSED (both in and out of character). My paladin is just chiming in about not touching creepy skulls when the halfling thief's player boldly states; "We made the saves before, we can do it again. Besides, it's not like I'm the one making the saves..." And goes for the gems again.

Our party runs like hell and leaves the halfling thief to his fate. The player was upset that we 'let' the demilich get him. The DM even said something to me about violating my code of conduct by not trying to save him. After the game, we worked it out and it was a fun experience for all (except for the thief's player, who suddenly lost interest in playing D&D when the party wasn't terribly interested in pulling him out of hot water all the time).


----------



## The Thayan Menace

*RBDM Core!*

HERE is a new candidate for extreme PC stupidty ... feel free to read the whole thread.







-Samir is the TPKillah
​


----------



## Vague Jayhawk

Dumbest thing I can think of right now is something I am doing with my current PC.

I created a rogue and I rolled a six for my wisdom.

I am going through the Worlds Largest Dungeon with this character.  There are a lot of traps in it, and most are pretty obvious.  My character has a 16 intellegence though.  He usually knows a trap when he sees it.  I don't expect this character to live long.  


So the conversation usually goes something like this...

DM:  You see a room with nothing but a big shiny diamond on a pedestal.  What do you do?

Me:  Hey look guys, it's a trap........................I wonder how it works?


----------



## jeffh

If you ever hear me say thoughtfully, "That's only three for each of us", by all that is holy, whatever I'm suggesting, don't do it.


----------



## Evilhalfling

One of my former players was always derailing my games, for what seemed like logical reasons.
He was a great role-player and the resulting changing situations frequently led to even better adventures than the ones I had planned. 

He came to visit with some friends and I ran a short one shot game designed to be run in four hours or less. 

About a hour after starting, the party had not yet managed to leave the town in pursuit of thieves.  The thieves had broken into a temple vault, and a (reported) divination had confirmed the goods were on the main trade route heading west. 

He comes up with this plan: (currently in sig.) 

"We should break into the church [of merchants] Vault ourselves!" ........
 "oh yeah, this is one of those derailing the campaign moments  isn't it ?"


----------



## Lalalei2001

Trying desperately to flee from several hungry ghouls, Mike decided to run away "top speed" and jump through a nearby window. 

Too bad he forgot about the tight iron bars on the outside part of the window... We found some bits and pieces later.


----------



## Lalalei2001

My cousin tried to metamorph into a fire elemantal but rolled a 20 and became it permanently. That is all fine and good but we were in a very very gasous swamp and he had forgotten that.

BOOOM! No more party.


----------



## STARP_Social_Officer

This is a lesson for arrogant PCs (and players)

In my all-mage scavenger hunt campaign, the PCs have been asked to retrieve, among others, the body of a dead Storm Giant. Now, I don't mind that the PCs selected the country of Geoff as the best place to start. I don't mind them trying to teleport there. But this...this...well...

The player read the entire spell description through twice. Now, I should point out that while the party is all-mage, not all of them are wizards. We were missing a player that day, and another (the leader) was late, so the party consisted of just the bard and the half-dragon warmage, as well as the elf wizard NPC. Only the elf has access to a teleport spell.

The bard thought it would be great if the three of them could pop over to Geoff, grab a Storm Giant, kill it, and bring back the body. How they planned to teleport a giant's body, which weighs thousands of tons, I don't know. But anyway, he wanted to impress the party leader when he finally showed up, so he declared that's what he would do. The half-dragon, who is 2nd in command, had no specific objection. So, I then asked the question.

ME: OK. How will you teleport there when you've never been there? You need to know where you're going, remember?
BARD: Well, has Laucien [the elf NPC] been there?
ME: Nope.
BARD: Hmm...OK. Can you teleport using a painting as a reference guide?

Now, I laughed extremely hard when he said that, but, when I was finally stable enough to think about it, I read the spell description and realised that you probably can, since it doesn't say anything about it. I agreed that such a thing would be possible, but that it would count only as 'viewed once' and even then, I would be adding 10 to the teleport roll. The bard player thought this was fair. The half-dragon player had that "we're going to die" expression, but he didn't say anything.

So they went to an art gallery, found a painting of a Geoff landscape, and used it as their guide. First, I rolled 98, which means a mishap. After taking 5 hp damage from the scramble, I rolled again, to discover they had landed about 500 miles off-course. Rolling for direction and consulting my map, I discovered that this put them right in the middle of a desert. Because I was having some sadistic fun, I ruled that a sandstorm was in progress, so the PCs arrived and instantly fell into the foetal position. They got out of that jam with a handy secure shelter, and after a series of violent encounters with a band of nomads (and their flame strike-happy 13th level Cleric), they eventually managed to get away. Here's where the arrogant bit came in.

BARD (to Laucien): I don't want you casting the spell. You buggered it up last time.
ME (as Laucien): Alright. Let's just ask that other wizard...oh, wait, it's just me here!
BARD: Just put it on a scroll. I'll cast it.
ME (as me): Can you do that? What's your Use Magic Device rating?
BARD: Plus thirty.
ME: Hmm. OK. Laucien takes some time to scribe the spell onto a scroll for you. He says "alright, song and dance man. You want to try this, be my guest." Then he puts his fingers in his ears and closes his eyes.
BARD: My Use Magic Device check...succeeds. I did it!
ME: No mishap?
BARD: Nuh. (gave me the two fingers in jubilation).
ME: OK...

I rolled for destination, and got 'similar area'. Because I was having so much fun, I broke the rules a little and ruled that the 'similar area' wasn't even in the Flanaess! They ended up running from savage tribesmen who were out for their heads - after a fight with a couple of shamblers, that is. Oh, and a tendriculos. 

They eventually got home, to arrive at the feet of the leader, who had now returned. They were scratched, had torn clothing, and the bard was covered in mucus and saliva.

LEADER: Did you get the giant?
HALF-DRAGON: Not so much.

Let this be a lesson: trust your wizard. No matter how good you think you are, he's better at his job than you are at yours. And don't use a painting as a teleport aide.


----------



## Missywelden

I did something pretty dumb. It was because "I" the player was utterly clueless. "I" didn't realize that stepping into a pentagram would be bad. "I" thought once the spell/incantation was over...or whatever caused it...I never found out...that the pentagram was useles. "I" was wrong. Of course my Cleric would have known that.
The end result was a Half-Celestial being possessed. That was a pretty sight.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Bogwash and the party come across a cloud of poison mist. Holding his breath, Bogwash walked through the mist. Unfortunately he failed to notice the poison monster inside which hit him with contact venom, causing him to open his mouth and breathe in the fog. 

Later on (he was resurrected) in a narrow tunnel, Bogwash was drumrolled from behind by the monster. He collapsed on the floor, unconscious. 

In the next room was a trap/statue thing that every 30 seconds slammed the doors shut and dished out 'Pain', 'Neuronic Penetration' and some kind of poison, killing one of the fighters. 

The rest of the party decide to test out if it works on corpses, pick up Bogwash and another unconscious party member, who they assume are dead, and throw them into the room. Stupid party.


----------



## Lalalei2001

On an excursion into the Underdark, the party slaughtered a large den of Hook Horrors. They came across a tunnel made of extremely slippery glass-rock. Bob the priest came up with a "brilliant" plan: 

Jury-rig a sled out of the Horrors' shells and barrel through the unknown, pitch-dark tunnel at a break-neck pace.

 After some A-Team style repairs, the sleds were ready to go. About a mile down the tunnel, one wall of the corridor droppped off to a narrow ledge and a 100 foot fall to a rocky floor below. 

Last words: "Hey, Guys! I call it a Bob-sled!"


----------



## Lalalei2001

The Brians' deaths themselves were not particularly special. What was interesting was the speed of them, specifically that fact that all 3 died within the space of 10 minutes (one of them twice).

The original Brian was a lvl 1 cleric who within 30 seconds of being introduced was stepped on by a white dragon. 

Due to the fact that nobody wanted to pay to have the lvl 1 cleric ressurected or wait for Brian to make a new character, Brian's(the character's, not the player's) identacle twin brother Brian arrived with the exact same stats, and was promptly eaten by the dragon. 

It turned out that there were a party of identacle clerics wandering in the mountains that day, as he was instantly replaced by Brian #3 who manage to surive to the end of battle due to the fact that Di Siduous the Ranger nobly sacrificed himself to save Brian. 

The death cries of the white dragon were heard by other nearby evil dragons, one red and one black. In unison, the dragons fired twin balls of flame and acid which combined into one huge sphere of death (TM). 

Everyone dodged except for Brian and the much loved NPC Wizzy, both of whom were dissolved beyond ressurection. At this point Brain #2 slit through the stomach of the white dragon and climbed out, explaining that the dragon had swallowed him whole and he'd survived by using Cure Light Wounds on himselft to avoid stomach acid damage.

To avoid any more fussing about, Eldas stupidly cast Wall of Force on Brian #2 to protect him from harm. Why was it stupid, you ask? Well...

It worked well untill the end of the battle when the corpse of the red dragon fell on Brian from 150ft and he was unable to dodge due to the Wall of Force and was thusly crushed.

RIP Brians 1, 2, and 3.


----------



## Herobizkit

I gotta ask... what are level 1 characters doing around people casting Walls of Force and facing off against three dragons?!


----------



## Zogmo

Herobizkit said:
			
		

> I gotta ask... what are level 1 characters doing around people casting Walls of Force and facing off against three dragons?!




He's probably just a kid.  (No insult intended!)

I remember a lot of early sessions in my life that were based more on crazy excitement (monty haul dungeons with +15 vorpal intelligent demon possessed swords that grants flight, invisibility and wishes.   ) than anything else.  
Big thrills ya know.   Balance really wasn't something we even noticed back then.
There usually comes a time when the games and gamers start to mature a bit and a sense of reality settles in to make the sessions more grounded.

As long as it's fun, that's all that matters.


----------



## Kae'Yoss

Zogmo said:
			
		

> As long as it's fun, that's all that matters.




Yeah, must be a hoot, having the DM kill your PCs in rapid succession. Level 1 character being stepped on by dragon. Level 1 character being crushed by dragon. Level 1 character being incinerated by dragon. That sounds worse than Call of Cthulhu


----------



## Lalalei2001

Trying to evade a bounty hunter, Carl and his faithful wookiee Gragga sped toward a planet's surface, hoping to pull up at the last possible moment. 

Being a physics dropout, he underestimated the power of gravity and a sublight engine and he smashed into the planet's surface, his ship exploding in a ball of flames. This manuever is now known as the "Fury Lansik Suicide Drop."

For the record, he tried to pull up when he was 20 meters from the ground.


----------



## Lalalei2001

My cousin told me about this one.

These three agents -working for the fictional American covert agency in our game- were trying to penetrate the security of the Main Villain’s secret island base. 

They hit on the idea of chartering a plane and flying the short hope from the resort island of St. John to the villain’s hide out. They charter the plane and meet the pilot early in the morning the following day for their sight seeing trip.

One of the agents recognizes the pilot as one of the villain’s henchman. Without explaining to the other two what hes up too, Manny pulls his pistol and shoots out the radio. 

Only then does he explain to the others that their pilot is in league with the bad guys. At this point, a struggle ensues –as one would expect. 

In the course of the struggle with the pilot –who incidentally was NOT in league with the Main Villain- Moe opens the pilots side door as Jack cuts loose the seat belts while Manny keeps the poor pilot in a choke hold from his position behind him.

 Long story short, the innocent pilot gets tossed out of the plane at five thousand feet and meets a harsh death in the waters of the Caribbean. 

Only then does it occur to the trio of players that none of their characters have even a single rank in piloting skill. Despite their best efforts, the plane crashes swiftly into the Caribbean.


----------



## Olaf the Stout

Lalalei2001's campaigns have had more deaths that I have ever heard about in all other campaigns combined.  Does anyone in your group make it through more than one session without dying?!

Olaf the Stout


----------



## Lalalei2001

Yeah. Sometimes.


----------



## sithramir

There was an interesting encounter in my old campaign where the PC's were hit with a disjunction spell. Only one of them was out of range (being in a Maze spell at the time) and the others lost most of their useful gear.

After some thoughts they eventually decided that Dragons have lots of gold so they should just go find one and slay him to get gold for new items. The only dragon they currently were aware of was a Huge Half-Fiendish Black Dragon they had run from previously after a round. 

"We'll be prepared this time so the fight will be different" argued the scout who was the only one who still had equipment and who originally had the idea to kill the dragon. So some planning happens and they find the dragon to attack.

The scout (who was an archer) for some odd reason decided to charge the dragon since he won initiative and attack it. Neither of us knows why he did it but at the end of the round he was lying dead under the dragon.

At this point, out of game, one of the PC's says " who's idiotic idea was this anyways?". 

Another one points at the dead scout under the dragon (IE he pointed at the PC at the table) and says "It was Jim's idea". 

The group realized the idiotic error in their ways right then and there and teleported theirselves out. Poor dead scout.


----------



## Brimshack

This was first edition D&D and the characters were arranged in a circle with fighters to the outside and spellcasters on the inside. They were fighting a mob of demons of various types and levels. The thing is there were enough characters to form a tight circcle, but they just weren't doing it. There was just enough space between each of the fighters in the outer ring that the demons were trickling through. I remember my frustration when the players set up the ring, just knowing they were going to get their butts kicked because they tried to control just a little too much ground. What could have been an easy fight was now potentially a TPK. I also remember a round or two into it, thinking the outer ring wouldn't last one more round; death was coming.

...and then the party leader yelled out for the fighters to bring it in a little. He then adjusted all his fighters backwards about 1" each, making for a decent circle big enough to protect the casters and small enough to seal off the gaps. The next player did the same as did the next (we were running 2 segments at a time, staggered between the characters and the enemy. Saved, I thought, this would take care of it; it would be tricky but they might actually pull it off.

Until the last player stepped up. He proceeded to take all of his fighters and turn them around. They ran at full speed to the center of the circle and then turned around again. So, we now had a tight ring of fighters in the middle - standing behind the spell-casters - and another ring of fighters on the outside, the latter ring now looking like swiss cheese. And with the last player done, I now ran the enemy for 2 segments.

...TPK.


----------



## shilsen

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> Yeah, sometimes.






I'm glad you guys seem like you had fun with the game, but from the things you've mentioned in this thread, I'd have lasted maybe 2 sessions with your game before running like my ass was on fire.


----------



## STARP_Social_Officer

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> My cousin told me about this one.
> 
> These three agents -working for the fictional American covert agency in our game- were trying to penetrate the security of the Main Villain’s secret island base.
> 
> They hit on the idea of chartering a plane and flying the short hope from the resort island of St. John to the villain’s hide out. They charter the plane and meet the pilot early in the morning the following day for their sight seeing trip.
> 
> One of the agents recognizes the pilot as one of the villain’s henchman. Without explaining to the other two what hes up too, Manny pulls his pistol and shoots out the radio.
> 
> Only then does he explain to the others that their pilot is in league with the bad guys. At this point, a struggle ensues –as one would expect.
> 
> In the course of the struggle with the pilot –who incidentally was NOT in league with the Main Villain- Moe opens the pilots side door as Jack cuts loose the seat belts while Manny keeps the poor pilot in a choke hold from his position behind him.
> 
> Long story short, the innocent pilot gets tossed out of the plane at five thousand feet and meets a harsh death in the waters of the Caribbean.
> 
> Only then does it occur to the trio of players that none of their characters have even a single rank in piloting skill. Despite their best efforts, the plane crashes swiftly into the Caribbean.




I didn't know there was a Get Smart RPG!


----------



## Slife

shilsen said:
			
		

> I'm glad you guys seem like you had fun with the game, but from the things you've mentioned in this thread, I'd have lasted maybe 2 sessions with your game before running like my ass was on fire.




Well, obviously they're playing an OD&D style game.  You know, pure hack and slash, lots of character turnover, and new characters start at level 1.


*Waits for Diaglo to appear and contradict me*


----------



## gambler1650

Greg K said:
			
		

> I just recalled another one and it is simply poor roleplaying on the part of the rogue's player.
> 
> The party's physically toughest character, the barbarian, reached into a whole in the wall filled with magical energy and then fell backward onto the floor barely concious.  The player of the rogue, knowing that a failed save throw was what nearly killing the barbarian,  then had his own character reach into the same hole (The DM decided to reward player's metagaming and poor roleplaying by inflicting max damage on the rogue and disallowed a saving throw for the rogue).




Yeah, ok, so the original post was over a year ago, but this hardly seems a stupid thing for a rogue to do.  Well ok, it does seem stupid, but it doesn't feel like poor roleplaying.

Whether or not the characters knew it was magical energy or not, there's no reason to think ICly that the circumstance will be the same for each character.  Perhaps it's a one shot magical trap, or at least the magical energy could have been drained slightly.  Perhaps the energy is 'swirling' rather than constant everywhere in the  hole so that the barbarian's hand contacted the highest concentration (thus the failed saving throw).

Now, the _player_ sounds as though he might have said something like "Well, I might pass my saving throw, what the heck..."   DMs all the time force players to 'do what they say' (even if it's obviously joking).  So while the PLAYER says the above, his rogue might be thinking "Maybe it's a one shot trap.  Maybe it doesn't like barbarians.  Maybe knowing there's something bad in there will let me prepare for the potential shock."

Seems more poor DMing than poor roleplaying.  Yeah, the player could have put it in a better fashion, but the DM sounds wayyyyy too rigid.

But yes.  It was a stupid thing for the character to do.  Doesn't mean he shouldn't get his chance to overcome the challenge according to the rules.

On the other hand I liked the character trying to talk to a demon using the universal language of mathematics...


----------



## Brimshack

You know for all I know I posted this earlier. I definitely did post it somewhere, but...


In my 1st edition campaign, the group had just defeated a major army of evil warriors and they were contemplating what to do. The god, Lei Kung, showed up and offered the group a deal; they should leave the army to return home in its crippled state. In return he would (switched to metagaming mode - each player could have one of his characters ask Lei Kung for one thing). So, when one player's turn came up, he hesitated for a moment, then said it couldn't hurt to ask. He had his Paladin ask Lei Kung for a Holy Avenger. So, there it was a Holy Warrior asking an evil deity for a holy sword, just a little off base I thought. Now the player had already been told in the previous game (when he asked a mage - actually a Vampire - for a Holy Avenger) that such items were between him and his own deity. So, I was about to say no, when a thought occured to me.

Lei Kung left, came back a minute later and handed the Paladin a sword with the stump of a bloody hand still gripping the handle. The player was elated, ...and somewhat surprised when it seemed to function as a simple +2 blade.


----------



## chakken98

Brimshack said:
			
		

> You know for all I know I posted this earlier. I definitely did post it somewhere, but...
> 
> Lei Kung left, came back a minute later and handed the Paladin a sword with the stump of a bloody hand still gripping the handle. The player was elated, ...and somewhat surprised when it seemed to function as a simple +2 blade.





    Ha ha ha, that greats.


----------



## Lalalei2001

I don't get the thing about the Holy Avenger. What happened?


----------



## Tarek

Well, in the hands of anyone other than a Paladin, a Holy Avenger just acts like a +2 longsword...

Paladin has strict code of conduct regarding evil. Violating that code of conduct means Paladin loses all Paladin abilities and becomes 'just a fighter' until atonement happens.

Paladin asks Evil Deity for a favor... which results in Evil Deity killing another Paladin in order to give this one a Holy Avenger. See the problem?


----------



## Lalalei2001

LOL, yeah.


----------



## MarkB

This is a tale of "stupidest advice given", and the advice was, generally, given by me. But then, the other player didn't have to follow it, did he? 

In an island-based campaign, in which orcs are a viking-style culture who haven't been known to visit this island for decades, we're sent to investigate rumours of a group of orcs setting up camp in a nearby abandoned mine near the shore. After we arrive there and our scout confirms that there are orcs in the large depression where the mine entrance is located, we all sneak up and the half-orc barbarian prepares to rush in when my gnome sorcerer speaks up.

ME: Wait, we don't know they're hostile. We should approach them first and ask what they're doing here.

BARBARIAN: They're _orcs_, of course they're up to no good.

ME: Yeah, but they're not exactly looting and pillaging, are they? It's worth a try.

BARBARIAN: Well, okay...

The barbarian walks up over the ridge, arms extended in truce, and catches half a dozen javelins in the chest, the orcs having heard our conversation and prepared themselves.

------

Later, we're inside the mine and come to a cavern with a couple of orcs and worgs. The first orc charges in and misses the barbarian, who responds by splitting his skull with one axe-blow.

BARBARIAN: Oh yeah, and I rage.

ME: No, hold off on the rage until the start of your next turn, it'll drag down your AC.

BARBARIAN: Good point. I'll wait till next turn, then.

Next initiative, a worg moves in, bites the barbarian despite his non-lowered AC, and makes its free Trip attack. The barbarian fails his opposed Strength check by 1 point on account of not yet having his extra strength from Rage, and falls prone. Then the other orc and worg move in.

ME (deadpan): Told you you should've raged.


Fortunately, we're good enough friends that he saw the funny side of it, but his barbarian is now pathologically reluctant to heed anything the gnome sorcerer suggests.


----------



## Lalalei2001

I found a collection of Last Words from RPGs on a website.

http://www.eclipse.net/~srudy/flw/flw0250.html


----------



## sharkey

well i think iv got a few new things to add so i will on my very first game i decided to drink o fountain of bile need less to say i was very sick for the rest of the adventure wich lasted all of two minuets for my very nearly dead character. 

this one not strictly D&D nut i think i may have the shortest living character in the history of rpg games in judge dread my character was nominated party leader and we were to go to this tower block were perps had taken over well to set a good impression for the rest of the party i left the police depot at very high speed well went out the door across the road and of to fall about 299 feet to a very big splat


----------



## VirgilCaine

sharkey said:
			
		

> this one not strictly D&D nut i think i may have the shortest living character in the history of rpg games in judge dread my character was nominated party leader and we were to go to this tower block were perps had taken over well to set a good impression for the rest of the party i left the police depot at very high speed well went out the door across the road and of to fall about 299 feet to a very big splat




Lose more Judges that way.


----------



## JoeyD473

one of my Wizzies accidently cast touch of Idiocy on himself. This was like 2 weeks ago


----------



## Lalalei2001

In this installment of WHAT THE CRAP THEATER, we leave the lava hallway and continue on, finding a door covered with, for some strange reason, honey. Naturally, some of the party have a lick.

Next, we find a room filled with skeletons and a strange artifact. Touch artifact = get skeleton. Which falls to the ground, useless. After we amuse ourselves, we continue on, and fight a zombie bugbear. 

Onwards, and we find a sleeping white dragon! Most of us try to sneak away silently, but not Anasazi. No, she excitedly yells "DRAGON! DRAGON! DRAGON!" and runs up to hug it. Even though I managed to hold her back, the dragon wakes. And bites me. 

Then The DM reminds us that the dragon is the size of a cat. We attempt, at her pleading, to tame the baby dragon, but it would rather gnaw on a tableleg. So, we leave. 

Then, we get to a room with mirrors on the walls. The DM hints that something's strange with the mirrors, and someone decides to hit one.

Then the reflections laugh at us. Until their sides split. Literally. 

Then the janitor cleans up the place, and the room starts to fill with blood.

Before we could get out, the walls shatter, fall away, and we are staring at the universe in all its vast glory.

We make the requesite 2001 jokes.

Then apparently the Great Gazzoo made everything semi-normal again.


----------



## Slife

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> In this installment of WHAT THE CRAP THEATER, we leave the lava hallway and continue on, finding a door covered with, for some strange reason, honey. Naturally, some of the party have a lick...




I've got the perfect quote for this.

"A gygaxian dungeon is like the world's most ed up game show. Behind door number one: INSTANT DEATH! Behind door number 2: A magic crown! Behind door number 3: ten pounds of sugar being guarded by six giant KILLER BEES!" - SteveD on, well, Gygaxian dungeon design.


----------



## Lalalei2001

I cast a disintegration spell on myself to prove that harmful spells couldn't be cast on yourself. They could. I died.


----------



## Slife

I think you might have already posted that on page three... let's see...



			
				Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> Ooh! One person said "Oh, there must be a rule that says a disintigration spell doesn't affect the caster. Here, I'll show you!"
> 
> There wasn't. RIP, Melf the Male Elf.


----------



## Vague Jayhawk

Although this might not qualify as the stupidest character deaths it involved a stupid decision caused by desperation (along with some really bad dice rolling).

This past gaming session the group saw a lone orc leaning out of a dungeon door, then upon seeing us PC's ducks back into the room.  The fighter runs in at full speed.  His movement ends in the center of the room.  He finds himself surrounded by 8 orcs.  

The group is 4th level, but a bit underpowered 4th level.  8 orcs with a large and mean looking orc coming from another room is going to be a bit of a challenge for us.  

The paladin realizes that the fighter may have just gotten over his head and rushes forward.  

Orcs turn.  All 8 charge.  They get charge and flanking bonuses and get some hits on the meatshields.  Each one takes at least one normal hit and a critical hit.  Criticals with battleaxes and strength bonuses hurt as the DM continues to roll amazingly well.  The paladin drops to -9 hps. and the fighter is still standing with only one hit point.  

The other players see this situation and start to panic.  They rush forward to try to help the meatshields.  At the end of everyones movement there is a cluster of PC's trying to get through the door.  All squeezing rules apply.  

The cleric goes last in initiative and starts to feel a little desperation.  He is squeezing with the sorc and cannot get to either of the hurt party members.  He owns the only really useful magic item in the party, (necklace of fireballs).  In a move of desperation he throws one of the beads into the center of the room.  The DM reminds us that he will have to make an attack roll for it  since the clutter of bodies between him and the center of the room.  (everyone see where I am going with this?)

He looks around and we all think that it is worth a try.  It is certainly a dumb thing to do, but we are in a desperate situation here.  We vote yes.  This is the one thing that if done right could save the lives of two PC's. 

He throws a 3 HD fireball and botches the roll.  It hits someone before the center of the room catching most of the orcs and 4 of the 6 PCs in the blast.    Most PCs make the save but the cleric does not.  The necklace of fireballs itself was then forced to make a save which it in turn failed balsting the 40' radius with 88 points of damage.  44 if you made your save.  No one in that blast radius had 44 hit points.  Most of the orcs and 4 of the PC's had been obliterated.  

My rogue survived and the missle-weapon ranger survived. We were outside of the blast radius.  

It was not the stupidest character death...but it sure was unlucky.....and SPECTACULAR!


----------



## (Psi)SeveredHead

Running a Colombia d20 Modern campaign. The PCs are supposed to knock off the local crime lord/politically-motivated warlord. They have to do this _carefully_, since the last team that tried it got blown to hell. Something about a nearly inpenetrable base. They had to win the trust of the crime lord and then snatch him. Needless to say, the fewer people who knew their plans, the better.

Finally, they got their foot in the door, making contact with the warlord's chief of security (a madman who had high Sense Motive and a lie detector routine which included a Magnum .44). The warlord wanted them to eliminate a drug smuggler who paid off the wrong armed group for protection. It would have been easy if the smuggler didn't visit an area where the locals are so tough they operate their own road blocks and keep the warlords' troops out. (If they attacked him anywhere else, they would attacked by his bodyguards and the FARC. Who are the FARC?)

The PCs were hated by the FARC, a terrorist group that had an intense political rivalry with the warlord they were trying to befriend. To that end, they'd done everything to tick the FARC off, like foil many of their attacks, "sell" one of their towns to a rival terrorist group, and found their secret base and refused to die with that information safely within their skulls. The FARC likes to kidnap foreigners to Colombia, like the PCs.

When they first got to that area of Colombia, they witnessed the FARC kidnapping a drunken foreigner. (They tracked him to the FARC's secret base and rescued him.) They should have known that then what to avoid doing (being drunk).

During this session, the PCs got near the road block and decided to scout. One of the PCs, a gunslinger-type, pretended to be drunk and didn't hang around near the other PCs. So now the FARC, which knows their descriptions, hates them, and loves kidnapping drunk foreigners, sneaked up on him and jabbed him with knockout poison. Gunslingers don't have great Fort saves. Flop. They attempted to kidnap him.

There were only three FARC terrorists, and they weren't that bright either. The four conscious PCs quickly forced the FARC to surrender and rescued their friend in front of a crowd of Colombians. Then they lost their minds.

They decided a great way to sell one of the terrorists to the warlord (he would be delighted, and would torture the poor fellow, which was against the code of their employer), send one back (to deliver a message, eg "stop trying to kill us") and send one to the cops. But how to decide? They thought about Russian roulette (with kneecaps), but instead decided to stage an arena fight in a back alley. The three would fight each other; the winner got to go home, the loser would get sold to the warlord, and the in-betweener would go to jail. Naturally the prisoners were unarmed. And no, they weren't martial artists.

They did, however, attempt to escape instead of fighting each other. The PCs were weak on the melee side and no one had decent Strength. One of the prisoners nearly got away, but got shot down. That one, who did the best, ended up getting sent to the cops because one of the terrorists "had received a critical hit while standing _above_ a PC he had just knocked over" and therefore required intensive masculinity-retention therapy (he was sent to the FARC base). The prisoner who didn't get anywhere was then sold to the warlord. This last act advanced their plan, but...

Was it really a good idea to deliver the terrorist to the cops? Or, for that matter, tick off their employers by setting up the arena (a form of torture, albeit mild) and then sell that guy to a madman who used a Magnum .44 to help detect lies?

The two terrorists who didn't get sold to the warlord complained. The PCs were arrested. Evidence was plentiful (eg witnesses). They had to spill to the chief of police*, had to reveal why they were in Colombia, which wasn't a great idea because of the influence the warlord wielded, and oh yeah, came this close to being fired. If they survive the next session, that's going to come back to haunt them.

* The PCs had two pieces of info to sell to the cops, but gave away the worse piece of info. If they'd told the cops about the secret prison operated by the foreign oil company, they'd have gotten off as well, but would have to free those prisoners. Instead, they panicked and spilled the big secret. The panic might have something to do with the thought of being sent to the capital via a big visible paddy wagon while unarmed and shackled down the only main road, a great signal for terrorists to blow them to smithereens with rocket launchers.


----------



## Necromas

I almost met Death of Insanely Overpowered Fireballs when our party got attacked by a swarm and our only option was fireballing the whole room.

I went a little overboard though when I empowered it with a rod of metamagic, combined with warmage edge and extra edge, sent most of the party into single digit hp, and they MADE their saves. I however positioned the blast badly and placed myself in the area when I didn't have to, so I went down to like -8 and almost kicked the bucket.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Entering an empty room containing nothing but an animated paintbrush working at an easel, Sprinter decided to let it paint his portrait. When the paintbrush finishing the painting, Sprinter's body disappeared and his soul was locked inside the painting.

The other party members then had great fun laughing at the hobbit's idiocy and tossing darts at the painting (after wisely breaking the brush and easel into itsy bitsy pieces).


----------



## shilsen

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> Entering an empty room containing nothing but an animated paintbrush working at an easel, Sprinter decided to let it paint his portrait. When the paintbrush finishing the painting, Sprinter's body disappeared and his soul was locked inside the painting.
> 
> The other party members then had great fun laughing at the hobbit's idiocy and tossing darts at the painting (after wisely breaking the brush and easel into itsy bitsy pieces).



 Was there anything in the room or adventure to indicate that it might be a bad idea, or was that just arbitrariness on the DM's part?


----------



## Lalalei2001

I don't remember.


----------



## Lalalei2001

PC: I put my lantern on the altar.

GM: Your lantern explodes.

PC: I sit down on the altar.


----------



## Wik

Fairly recently, in the first Savage Tide episode...

One of my players runs a dwarf who wears heavy armour and carries a tower shield.   The group was investigating some thieves, and was ambushed in an alleyway.  As the thieves made their getaway to an escape route nearby, the group was in hot pursuit.

They round the corner, and see one of the thieves jump down a well.  While the group knows there's another entrance below (they were *just* investigating it) and starts heading in that direction, the dwarf gets stubborn and jumps into the well.

Naturally, he sinks about ten feet deep into water, and wearing armour, he's stuck there.  With a crocodile ready to eat him.  And a bunch of crossbowmen shooting at him.

Luckily, the goliath was able to fish the dwarf out of the well with some handy rope, and the dwarf only took damage from the fall and one crocodile bit (confound his high AC!).


----------



## KrazyHades

The worst thing that happened to a player of mine was this:
First, he's walking with the rest of the party down the path near to a lava flow, and the ground is a bit muddy. They had  just  wiped out all the bad guys in the dungeon at the top of the volcano.
As the PC walks, he's juggling a bottle of evil water (i forget what i called it at the time, but its basically the opposite of holy water), and he nearly drops it. In order to get it, he dives after it. On the tumble check, he gets a 1, a critical error. He tumbles to right next to the lava, on the rutted ground. As he starts running back to the party, he makes a balance check (b/c of the difficult terrain) and gets ANOTHER 1. He falls INTO the lava. As he falls, he rolls a reflex save to catch his falling (again) bottle of evil water, and gets a third 1!!! I ruled that as he fell into the lava the bottle fell into his mouth and he DROWNED WHILE BURNING TO DEATH!

It was REALLY funny.


----------



## Kae'Yoss

KrazyHades said:
			
		

> On the tumble check, he gets a 1, a critical error.




Nope. Critical misses are only for saves and attacks, unless you houseruled it differently.

Plus, it's more a case of bad luck as an undersupply of Smart.

Still, it's funny (for everyone but the victim, of course).


----------



## Chimera

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> ....




Dude, there came a point several pages ago that I stopped believing anything you posted and figured you were just making it up so as to continue posting to this thread.


----------



## Numion

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> My cousin tried to metamorph into a fire elemantal but rolled a 20 and became it permanently. That is all fine and good but we were in a very very gasous swamp and he had forgotten that.
> 
> BOOOM! No more party.




Lalalei2001, most of your posts in this thread smack of definite DM stupidity instead of PC stupidity.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Either way, they're still tales of RPG stupidity.


----------



## shilsen

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> Either way, they're still tales of RPG stupidity.



 But they're not tales of what you, as the OP, titled the thread as about. 

However, since we should have one for DM stupidity too, here you go: Stupidest Things DMs Have Done


----------



## Lalalei2001

Alright...here's a tale of PC stupidness.

William Wilson went back in time 10 years before his birth, had an affair with his young mother, and ended up keeping his parents from meeting. He vanished soon afterwards.


----------



## Merkuri

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> William Wilson went back in time 10 years before his birth, had an affair with his young mother, and ended up keeping his parents from meeting. He vanished soon afterwards.




Are you sure that was a PC? Sounds like Michael J. Fox's character in "Back to the Future."


----------



## Lalalei2001

When he met his mom he asked her her name and she told him. Then he said "That's funny! Your first name is the same as my mom's! But your last name is different...and you're younger than my mom...so I guess it's okay..."

Idiot.


----------



## JoeyD473

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> When he met his mom he asked her her name and she told him. Then he said "That's funny! Your first name is the same as my mom's! But your last name is different...and you're younger than my mom...so I guess it's okay..."
> 
> Idiot.




Was this somesort of time travel adventure, or is the plaer (Or character) Just completly stupid


----------



## Lalalei2001

If it wasn't stupid it wouldn't be here


----------



## skinnydwarf

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> I casted my very first fireball in a room only 10 feet wide. The fireball has a range of 25 feet.
> 
> I burned to a crisp, but killed the troll.




This story could go either into the stupidest DMing or stupidest player threads, but I'll post it here.  Because I was the DM. 

Back in High School, I GM'd a few sessions of the old West End Games Star Wars (the re-releases had just come out, and my friends and I were all psyched about Star Wars).

So the first session was on Tatooine right after the fall of the Empire.  I can't remember what the adventure was going to be, because right from the beginning it went awry.  My brother, who always plays thieves (he's gotten better since then) was playing a rebel starfighter pilot... and he decides to pickpocket some StormTroopers who were trying to restore order.  Well, he fails his roll, and starts running away.  He eventually gets back to where his Y-Wing is stored, and is getting into it when some StormTroopers show up with a big gun.  He shoots them with the ion cannon on his Y-Wing (a pretty good idea, actually) and takes them out.  But some more show up (I figured the whole group was after him, seeing as on the way to the spaceport he had killed a number of StormTroopers).  So he says "I go into hyperspace!"  Well, it was established by the SW movies (that we had just seen- "flying through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy") that going into hyperspace while in a gravity well makes a big explosion (I can't remember if it was in the rules).  Half of Mos Eisley went down.  My favorite part was the Jedi looting the bodies in the wreckage. After a discussion of the morality of a Jedi looting bodies, the session ended.  This doesn't really count as a stupid thing players did, because my brother might not have known that the explosion would happen.  But hey, it was late and I figured the adventure was a wash, so I thought we should end with a bang.  It was the NEXT session that the PCs did something pretty dumb (after some dumb moves on my part).

So the next session I started the newly created PCs on a huge space station- large enough to have its own gravity well, I told the players.  Near the end of the adventure, the PCs are about to leave the station post-hatste (as there was a self-destruct counting down).  Foolishly, as a throw away detail, I mentioned they passed a room full of priceless treasures. (the space station was from the Old Republic days, and had been lost).  The players said they wanted the priceless treasures (how I didn't see that coming, I don't know).  Foolishly, I said the treasures were locked in a footlocker, bolted to the floor, that the players couldn't move.  (Bad DMing, I know- but I was 15 or 16).  So they get a gigantic chain and attach it to the foot locker (as the timer continues going down) and attach that to their ship.  Then they start the ship and head out.  I say "Ok, the chain breaks."  The players are like "No!  It's a super strong chain, diamond linked!"  I say, ok, the chain doesn't break, but you don't move once it goes taut.  They go to full power.  Nothing.  Then they say "We go into hyperspace!"  (presumably to go fast enough to break free the footlocker full of priceless treasures).  Remember, I had told them that they were in a station large enough to have its own gravity.  And last session, just a few days before, they had flattened half of Mos Eisley by going into hyperspace in a gravity well.  I asked if they were sure they wanted to go into hyperspace.  They said yes.

We didn't play Star Wars for awhile after that.


----------



## FEADIN

Ranger needing healing for him, 3hp left and the fighter down at -5 near him, opens a flask of "oil of fiery burning" (2nd ed) sees a small flame and put the stopper on, stretch his arm and open it at arm length.....kaboom!!!!!
5d6 damage....what a fun.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Certain that his discipline of "Majesty" (a vampiric power preventing anyone from attacking you) would protect him from the six Assamites (vampire assassins) that were surrounding him, Lord Byrnn kicked their leader in the groin, forgetting that any aggression on his part would immediately nullify the effects of "Majesty."


----------



## Presto2112

I was chatting with an old friend of mine back home a couple of days back; he used to DM a 2E game back in the early - mid 90s.  He reminded me of a real doozy...

Our party of players were a healthy mixture of seasoned roleplayers and gaming neophytes.  One such neophyte played a paladin.  Fair enough.  He played him fairly well, excelled in combat and FOR THE MOST PART made good in-game decisions.  But he was quite literal minded when it came to the rules, and common sense sometimes did not come into play.

For example, when perusing this particular PC's sheets one day before a game, our noble DM happened upon his gear list.  The paladin carried 30 waterskins!!!  FULL!  Dude had a 19 strength and all, but even if he could technically LIFT 30 waterskins, where do you put them?  I just picture a bunch of leathery bulbous grapes in platemail.


----------



## GoodKingJayIII

skinnydwarf said:
			
		

> So he says "I go into hyperspace!" Well, it was established by the SW movies (that we had just seen- "flying through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy") that going into hyperspace while in a gravity well makes a big explosion




Really?  I was always under the impression that flying into hyperspace within a gravity well just couldn't be done.  There's a scene in Timothy Zahn's Thrawn trilogy where Luke is ambushed by an Interdictor Cruiser (an imperial ship that creates a gravity well).  When this happens, he's simply unable to jump into hyperspace.


----------



## mmu1

skinnydwarf said:
			
		

> So he says "I go into hyperspace!"  Well, it was established by the SW movies (that we had just seen- "flying through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy") that going into hyperspace while in a gravity well makes a big explosion (I can't remember if it was in the rules).




Han Solo certainly doesn't mention any explosions, just accidentally flying into something if the course isn't calculated correctly. Other than that, the movies are pretty silent on the mechanics of it.

As far as the extended universe is concerned, however, flying into a gravity well while in hyperspace would IIRC activate safety systems that would cut out the hyperdrive. If you disabled the safeties and used a hyperdrive inside a gravity well anyway (or, IIRC, encountered gravity suddenly enough that they couldn't cope quickly enough) you'd end up with a damaged or destroyed hyperdrive, but no massive explosions.


----------



## Lalalei2001

I duct-taped a Bothan to a bed because I needed the Bothan's help. (Quote: "Ooh ... fur. Whoops!")


----------



## awayfarer

I hate to say it, but the last few pages of this seem to me to be mostly DM ass-hattery and unfortunate (but not stupid) events. :\ 

Some of these don't even sound like they could be represented mechanically in any system I'm aware of.


----------



## Lodow MoBo

Here is one:
We had a Paladin played by a very money orientated player.  Anyway the DM Let him have a very nice mount.  

Celestial Flying Lion.  Inteligent and dignified

Anyway one day there was a festival.  The player spent about 10 mins trying to convince everyone that we should sell tickets to the masses for admission to see his mount.

Same player:

Playing a rogue. In a silver based campaign.  We found 10000 gp from a dwarven kings tomb (dwarves were a long dead race).  While entering a city we were questioned representative of the all powerful 'god dragon cult' which in general have 'Above the law' privleges.  He noticed our haul and the strange mint of the gold cions.  The stated that he was taking one.  The player Yells out 'you have no right!'  In general pushes Agent of the dragon to the point that he called the guards to arrest him.  It which point he used a magic item to d-door away, leaving the party in the lurch


----------



## Lalalei2001

I found this one on a website. I about died laughing reading this...


Mark Steuer recounts this tale: 

Many years ago, I ran a game where I pitted two groups against each other. 

Several members of Group One came up with the idea of luring Group Two into a trap. You remember the Hand of Vecna and the Eye of Vecna that were artifacts in the old D&D world where if you cut off your hand (or your eye) and replaced it with the Hand of Vecna (or the Eye) you'd get new awesome powers? Well, Group One thought up The Head of Vecna. 

Group One spread rumors all over the countryside (even paying Bards to spread the word about this artifact rumored to exist nearby). They even went so far as to get a real head and place it under some weak traps to help with the illusion. 

Unfortunately, they forgot to let ALL the members of their group in on the secret plan (I suspect it was because they didn't want the Druid to get caught and tell the enemy about this trap of theirs, or maybe because they didn't want him messing with things). 

The Druid in group One heard about this new artifact and went off in search of it himself (I believe to help prove himself to the party members...) Well, after much trial and tribulation, he found it; deactivated (or set off) all the traps; and took his "prize" off into the woods for examination. He discovered that it did not radiate magic (a well known trait of artifacts) and smiled gleefully. 

I wasn't really worried since he was alone and I knew that there was no way he could _cut his own head off_. Alas I was mistaken as the Druid promptly summoned some carnivorous apes and instructed them to use his own scimitar and cut his head off (and of course quickly replacing it with the Head of Vecna...) 

Some time later, Group one decided to find the Druid and to check on the trap. They found the headless body (and the two heads) and realized that they had erred in their plan (besides laughing at the character who had played the Druid)...The Head of Vecna still had _both _ eyes! They corrected this mistake and reset their traps and the Head for its real intended victims... 

Group Two, by this time, had heard of the powerful artifact and decided that it bore investigating since, if true, they could use it to destroy Group One. After much trial and tribulation, they found the resting place of The Head of Vecna! The were particularly impressed with the cunning traps surrounding the site (one almost missed his save against the weakest poison known to man). They recovered the Head and made off to a safe area. 

Group Two actually _came to blows_ (several rounds of fighting) against each other arguing over _who would get their head cut off_! Several greedy players had to be hurt and restrained before it was decided who would be the recipient of the great powers bestowed by the Head... 

The magician was selected and one of them promptly cut his head off. As the player was lifting The Head of Vecna to place it on it's new body, another argument broke out and they spent several minutes shouting and yelling. Then, finally, they put the Head onto the character. 

Well, of course, the Head simply fell off the lifeless body. All members of Group Two began yelling and screaming at each other (and at me) and then, on their own, decided that they had let too much time pass between cutting off the head of a hopeful recipient and put the Head of Vecna onto the body. 

SO THEY DID IT AGAIN!... [killing another PC] 

In closing, it should be said that I never even cracked a smile as all this was going on. After the second PC was slaughtered, I had to give in (my side was hurting)... 

And Group Two blamed _me _ for all of that... 

So let that be a warning to you - don't let your head get cut off unless you really know what you're doing.


----------



## Lalalei2001

...I think I killed the thread


----------



## Sound of Azure

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> ...I think I killed the thread




AT 11 pages/HD, I'm sure it's worth a lot of XP


----------



## skinnydwarf

mmu1 said:
			
		

> Han Solo certainly doesn't mention any explosions, just accidentally flying into something if the course isn't calculated correctly. Other than that, the movies are pretty silent on the mechanics of it.
> 
> As far as the extended universe is concerned, however, flying into a gravity well while in hyperspace would IIRC activate safety systems that would cut out the hyperdrive. If you disabled the safeties and used a hyperdrive inside a gravity well anyway (or, IIRC, encountered gravity suddenly enough that they couldn't cope quickly enough) you'd end up with a damaged or destroyed hyperdrive, but no massive explosions.




Hm.  I seem to remember reading that now.  I don't know why I was under the impression going into hyperspace w/in gravity caused an explosion, but at the time it seemed to make sense.  Maybe it does that in a different sci fi universe, and I got them confused?

Oh well.  As I said, the first time wasn't so dumb.  It was the *second* time that was kind of dumb.

Or, as I said before, you could just blame me and put this under "Dumb things DMs have done."

[edit- finished thought].


----------



## chakken98

Well heres one from my game with my brother in law.

  We are playing a Gestalt game and I was a Rouge Fighter type at the time of this event.  So I had just met up with the other PC's (as I came into the game a little later) and we had just finished stealing a few important items from one of the main villians (a spellbook, robe and another book on tattoo magic. All of which I stole kept for myself).  We decide to take a day to recoup after that as we all got pretty bet up in this enchanted library by undead and things from the eatheral plane.  
   I separate from the party to go and sell a few thing that I got my hands on and some random items that I started the game with.  So at this magic shop I go to I start to barter and get a few nice items.  And think to myself, well I never really agreed to help Lim Dul and Ramie....So I choose to sell the spellbook as well.  What I didn't know was that this shop owner was not only a powerful spell caster but good friends with the owner of the book.  

   "So I have this spellbook, that I aquired and was wondering if you might be interested in buying it..? I say (rolled a decient bluff check as DM said so)

   "Let me see it" he says

So I show him the book and his eye's narrow and he looks at me and says "Were did you get this!" He seemed upset about this

   "I picked it up while I was travelling and decided u should be the new owner as you are the well known magic owner in this town of Trese."  (another bluff w/ dipomacy)

  "This belongs to Jarom and you did not 'aquire' it.  You are lieing!"  he waves his hands around and next thing I know (after failed save) I can't move.

   Still trying to get out of this I continue to try and reason with him but doesn't work.  He tells his children to get the town guard and Jarom.  Now at this time not only was I upset but worried as Jarom was a Bad@$$ and I couldn't take him in my current state.  So what do I do but break free and attack the old man.  This is when I find that this guy is not so weak as I thought he was.  And after a lucky attack roll with a robe of powerlessness I ended the madness...but at a huge cost to my sanity.  He managed to cause insanity and cursed me with a custom spell that left me with 2 other personnalities in my mind which each came with there own character sheets, let just say that they have caused me much pain as I no longer have a god, lost my hand cuz it got bored, among other things.

Lesson learned, Don't sell things you just stole to shops in the same city town etc...You might get owned.


----------



## Lalalei2001

This PC's stupid move led to the death of the other party members as well....

Lt. Jack Frost was being smuggled in a cargo plane to an unknown destination. Mid-flight, he decided to check his altitude so he opened the cargo bay doors to look out. Needless to say, he went *splat*. 

The cargo plane lost altitude due to the open cargo bay. Several PCs (Valkyrie Pilots) attempted to stablize the plane. One clipped his wings trying to fly inside the cargo area to close it from inside. Another got hit by the overhang. Both failed their crashing rolls and died.


----------



## Raloc

The PCs in my campaign had been hired by the Calimport Thieves' Guild to investigate disappearances of their members near the Upperdark where the Calimport Muzaad meets the Underdark.  After some small difficulty they made their way underground and were able to find a small outpost in some cavern.  They decided to sneak into the main towers, invisible.  So, they go in, grapple their way up the tower.  Their invisibility is about to wear off, so the elf necromancer (who cast it) leaves and goes back to safety, leaving the others in the top room of this tower.  The other party members mess around for a little while, searching the rooms and whatnot.  Eventually, they decide to leave.  The best route out is deemed to be for the wizard to cast a disguise self as a drow priestess, and take the other two as prisoners on her way out.  The other characters think he's nuts, so they grapple back down the side of the building and start sneaking out of the cavern (towards where the necro was).  The wizard proceeds to disguise himself and head down the flight of stairs.  In my campaign, Drow as a language is a dialect of Elven (which, none of the chars happen to know).  So, he's heading down stairs and he passes a group of drow soldiers playing dice and cards.  They say something to him (something along the lines of, "Where's the soldier on duty up stairs?" (dead, since the players found him in the first topmost room)) and point upstairs.  The player wasn't paying particular attention, and had his character RUN down the stairs.  Naturally the soldiers told him to hold up, and he didn't, so they chased.  Well, suffice it to say they basically alterted the entire garrison, and had wizards and clerics chasing them, and they *nearly* killed the party's fighter (who is the wizard's in game cousin, both from Thay) before they made it to the portal that they came through.  It was all very comical from my point of view.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Raloc, that one's very funny 

Any more?


----------



## donremus

I once played a rogue who found himself alone and on the wrong side of a locked door in a room containing a horde of shadows, a lich and a blue goblin. The other players chanted 'not the blue goblin?!' I didn't have a clue what they meant but it scared me witless, more than the lich! In the middle of the room was a well. I was high level and won initiative so decided to _tumble_ past the baddies and jump into the well that was surrounded by the shadows. 

I passed my roll with ease and acrobatically landed in the well....the water was only a foot deep and at floor level. I was shredded by the bad guys 1st round lol.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Donremus, did the dreaded blue goblin deliver the killing blow?


----------



## donremus

No as I recall he just laughed and let his minions do it  

I never did find out about the goblin, I had only just joined that particular campaign but he obviously had a history with the other party members.


----------



## KrazyHades

Kae'Yoss said:
			
		

> Nope. Critical misses are only for saves and attacks, unless you houseruled it differently.



It's not technically a "critical failure", but we rule that the more extreme the roll, the more extreme the results in that direction (although usually that means the description is cooler but with no effect on gameplay). In this case his rolls were bad enough to justify this, IMO.


----------



## KrazyHades

This one happened just today in my new campaign. One of the PCs (lvl 3 Druid) found a flask full of red liquid. The flask feels warm to the touch, and the liquid seems to be boiling at a slow rate. Now, just after finding the flask (which is still in the druid's hand), a pair of hobgoblins burst into the room. The Druid, not wanting to throw the potion and risk damaging it, chooses to quaff it because (and I quote) "what the hell. I'd lose it if I threw it, and its a POTION, so it has to be good for me, right?". The rest of the party agreed with this idea, so he quaffs to potion. And then...BOOM! He explodes, body parts all over the room.

The flask contained alchemists fire   

Moral of the story: Not all liquids are meant to be imbibed


----------



## WhatGravitas

Stupidest things one of my PCs have done? In a campaign I've DM'ed (3.0) for a first-time player, although the campaign was in its 2nd month and the players reached level 7.

Battling through a cave with a orc army - a very stupid dungeon crawl, but the best I could produce on the fly. They kill the orc chieftain... and Eberk the Dwarf (Fighter 7) takes the chieftain's head. They go back, meeting three orcs. The cleric and wizard are low on spells, the ranger watches the rear of the group. Then Eberk charges into the orcs, yelling "I've killed your chieftain, now I'll kill you!". Next round, the four orcs fly into Barbarian rage, and full attack him (since he charged right into the middle of the orcs) - downing him to -7 hp. He died three rounds later.

Then some months later:
Eberk the Dwarven Defender (Fighter 8/Dwarven Defender 5) and the rest of the group infiltrate a Lich's dungeon. They hid behind a bottleneck in the dungeon, knowing that the Lich will blast'em, as soon as they show themselves. Cleric and Wizard want to start buffing, but Eberk says "Eh, it's a Lich. He'll use necromancy, we dwarves are pretty strong, I'll take the hit, then you can blast him!"
One round and a _Disintegrate_ (this was 3.0) later, there was only a small pile of dust.

Then, some month later, near the conclusion of the campaign:
The group was now embroiled in a coup, delivering the "death" blow to one of Nerull's personal servant (An advanced, unique balor). The group (now level 20) defeated him... and forced Nerull indirectly to negotiate with the Gods of Light. Nerull has sworn to leave the PCs in peace, and gives them - with an ironic smirk - a gift.
They open it, finding a perfectly black sphere. Eberk (again) dons his_cloak of resistence +5_ and commands the (very annoyed) cleric to buff him with everything boosting saves - everyone is puzzled, then... he grabs into the sphere to find out what's inside - suddenly everybody yells no, and the dwarf says "It's okay, there should be something important... and I've enough diamonds to let you resurrect me!"
_Sphere of Annihilation_.
______________________________

This dwarf was RP'd as a stout, valiant and proud defender of his nation. But seemingly his heroism equalled his foolishness... - gave me a hard time *sigh*


----------



## William drake

sending a letter to the cleric which you were comming to kill, then, once you got there as the thief, you drew you offered the cleric a choice "by my sword" showing it to the cleric, in his church, armed with a few guards, countless witnesses, and other servants, "or this" showing him a cup of poision which you've made into a tea blend.

Someones seen way to many anime movies....*he thought he was a ninja* to bad, the cleric had magic and put the hurt on him.

oh, later, whe moving through a trible/barbarian village, he was still wearing his SKULL MASK, it was very early in the morning, and yes, he always wore BLACK. 
One player then said once meeting him, "hey, would you take that off?"
"why," the ninja replied.
"because your bothering the people, and they look like they dont eat just cows."
He then took off the mask only to show that underneath there was a second mask, it was all black.
at this point, the player then said "wel, he's not going to last long" Everyone laughed.


----------



## prosfilaes

William drake said:
			
		

> sending a letter to the cleric which you were comming to kill, then, once you got there as the thief, you drew you offered the cleric a choice "by my sword" showing it to the cleric, in his church, armed with a few guards, countless witnesses, and other servants, "or this" showing him a cup of poision which you've made into a tea blend.
> 
> Someones seen way to many anime movies....*he thought he was a ninja* to bad, the cleric had magic and put the hurt on him.




To me, that's not stupid; that's a failure to agree on genre standards. I would encourage behavior like this, the concept that not everything is solved by walking up and bashing its head in, and the dramatic exchange of words between heroes and enemies before fighting. I would have had the cleric respond with derisive words and step back or pull a weapon or shield, all without fear of AoO, rather than have him immediately attack, all of which are appropriate genre moves and which don't discourage the players from trying dramatic heroic acts.

It's not just anime, either; what comes to mind is swashbuckling movies, and a lot of generally pulp action movies.


----------



## sniffles

Raloc said:
			
		

> The PCs in my campaign had been hired by the Calimport Thieves' Guild to investigate disappearances of their members near the Upperdark where the Calimport Muzaad meets the Underdark.  After some small difficulty they made their way underground and were able to find a small outpost in some cavern.  They decided to sneak into the main towers, invisible.  So, they go in, grapple their way up the tower.  Their invisibility is about to wear off, so the elf necromancer (who cast it) leaves and goes back to safety, leaving the others in the top room of this tower.  The other party members mess around for a little while, searching the rooms and whatnot.  Eventually, they decide to leave.  The best route out is deemed to be for the wizard to cast a disguise self as a drow priestess, and take the other two as prisoners on her way out.  The other characters think he's nuts, so they grapple back down the side of the building and start sneaking out of the cavern (towards where the necro was).  The wizard proceeds to disguise himself and head down the flight of stairs.  In my campaign, Drow as a language is a dialect of Elven (which, none of the chars happen to know).  So, he's heading down stairs and he passes a group of drow soldiers playing dice and cards.  They say something to him (something along the lines of, "Where's the soldier on duty up stairs?" (dead, since the players found him in the first topmost room)) and point upstairs.  The player wasn't paying particular attention, and had his character RUN down the stairs.  Naturally the soldiers told him to hold up, and he didn't, so they chased.  Well, suffice it to say they basically alterted the entire garrison, and had wizards and clerics chasing them, and they *nearly* killed the party's fighter (who is the wizard's in game cousin, both from Thay) before they made it to the portal that they came through.  It was all very comical from my point of view.



Good story, but how do you grapple a tower?


----------



## orsal

sniffles said:
			
		

> Good story, but how do you grapple a tower?




See http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/grapple. In particular, check definitions 1, 2, and 6, all referring to definition 8. If you weren't familiar with this meaning of the term, you must have been confused by the inclusion of "grappling hook" (a mountain climber's tool) in the equipment list.


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## Kae'Yoss

orsal said:
			
		

> See http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/grapple. In particular, check definitions 1, 2, and 6, all referring to definition 8. If you weren't familiar with this meaning of the term, you must have been confused by the inclusion of "grappling hook" (a mountain climber's tool) in the equipment list.




I'm not sure you're serious or not. 

Anyway, that page neglects to mention the most important definition of grapple. Go watch Firefly and you'll learn that one.


----------



## Slife

sniffles said:
			
		

> Good story, but how do you grapple a tower?



*Starting a Grapple*

To start a grapple, you need to grab and hold your target. Starting a grapple requires a successful melee attack roll. If you get multiple attacks, you can attempt to start a grapple multiple times (at successively lower base attack bonuses).
*Step 1*

Attack of Opportunity. You provoke an attack of opportunity from the target you are trying to grapple. If the attack of opportunity deals damage, the grapple attempt fails. (Certain monsters do not provoke attacks of opportunity when they attempt to grapple, nor do characters with the Improved Grapple feat.) If the attack of opportunity misses or fails to deal damage, proceed to Step 2.
*Step 2*

Grab. You make a melee touch attack to grab the target. If you fail to hit the target, the grapple attempt fails. If you succeed, proceed to Step 3.
*Step 3*

Hold. Make an opposed grapple check as a free action.

If you succeed, you and your target are now grappling, and you deal damage to the target as if with an unarmed strike.

If you lose, you fail to start the grapple. You automatically lose an attempt to hold if the target is two or more size categories larger than you are.

In case of a tie, the combatant with the higher grapple check modifier wins. If this is a tie, roll again to break the tie.
*Step 4*

Maintain Grapple. To maintain the grapple for later rounds, you must move into the target’s space. (This movement is free and doesn’t count as part of your movement in the round.)

Moving, as normal, provokes attacks of opportunity from threatening opponents, but not from your target.

If you can’t move into your target’s space, you can’t maintain the grapple and must immediately let go of the target. To grapple again, you must begin at Step 1. 




Just watch out for its size bonuses.  They're a killer.


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## Lalalei2001

Player has ring of undead control and has found some low-level undead to boss arround (skeletons & zombies). He starts handing out orders (first time he's had a chance to use this in 7 sessions). 

"You, open that chest. (trapped--poison darts) You, open that door. (also trapped--explosive runes) You, go down this passage, kill anything you see, and report to me here. Oh, wait, you can't talk. _Don't listen to me_..." 

After a beat...

"Oh CRAP!!!"


----------



## orsal

Slife said:
			
		

> Just watch out for its size bonuses.  They're a killer.




Yup. That's why I think wrestling a tower is even harder than climbing up its side using mountaineering equipment.


----------



## Olaf the Stout

This happened last session.

The party has been fighting Fiendish Locathah (fish men) who have spreading disease on an island.  The party follows some tracks that lead them to a small 15ft x 15ft puddle/hole of thick muck that seems to be "breathing".  The party figure out that it is a portal to another plane and also that it radiates faint evil.

The Ranger/Rogue's response upon being told this information by the Cleric?

I dive in!?!    

I could have easily killed him by transporting him to a Paraelemental Plane filled with Oozes and various diseases where he wouldn't have lasted long.  However I was feeling a little generous and decided that it was a one-way portal only.  He still nearly managed to die from drowning in the diseased muck.  In trying to get him out another PC was pulled into the muck!  Finally the other PC's were able to pull both of them out.  A couple of Potions of Remove Diseases later and everyone was ok.

I still can picture the look on everyone's faces when the player said that he was going to dive into the diseased, evil-radiating portal though.  Priceless!

Olaf the Stout


----------



## Lalalei2001

In my old D&D group, we were once faced with a dilemma. 

A big rift had been opened, and demons were coming out of it. Two giant towers had also shot out of the ground. This was all part of a prophecy that had been activated when we killed a main villain. Basically, in order to get the rift to close, we had to go to the top of the towers, and ressurect either the villain, or this other guy who we knew nothing about. Whoever got revived would get one wish. 

We did some research, and came up with some info on the guy we knew nothing about. Unfortunately, accounts on him were conflicting; he was either a great pacifist, or a horrible warlord. Well, the group was divided on who to revive, and we argued over it for quite awhile. Finally, I made a _truly brilliant _ suggestion: Revive both. 

Now my logic here was that if the other guy turned out to be a pacifist, he'd be no problem. If he turned out to be a warlord, he'd hopefully turn on the other villain. After much convincing, I got the group to accept my plan; the ultimate compromise.

Well, turns out that guy we knew nothing about was actually an Elder God with dominion over pestilance, who had nearly killed all of the other gods with a divine plague eons ago. Everything we'd read about him was purposely misleading, and he'd already been in league with the villain.

Yay us!


----------



## chakken98

So in my Brother n' Laws game its me vs. his roommate.  Won't go into how that happened but his roommate told me bout his last game with the DM.  

Currently in our world we cause a rift to open in both the 9 Hells and the Astal plane and now both Devils and Angels are warring in our backyards.  So Lim Dul (Roomy) has just completed a bunch of rituals and spells to ascend into a higher being (some template that I dunno but appranently I got my work cut out on me...anyway) saw out in the distance the warring armies fighting.  Figuring they were further away he decided to rest to regain strength and spells.  4 hours later after being awakened by the sounds of battle, he see's that the battle has spilled into his tower.  This made Lim Dul very upset (DM said much cursing and all) and being uber powerful he started to annilate the baddies.  After his tower was cleared out he headed outside and saw a large group of baddies w/a Pit Fiend finishing up some angels.  Dul figuring that both the baddies and himself are evil he'd try to convince then that he was all powerful and they should work for him.  Pit Fiend wasn't having that and battle ensude once again.  So Dul charges Fiend thinking that he's newly revamped and has mass power to kill it off so they go toe 2 toe, and Fiend lands 2 critical hits on Dul both backed up....with a Vorpal weapon...Roomy asks if his head falls off...Dm tells him "hell no, I don't like that rule, but a random body part yes." Rolls twice on old 2nd vorpal dice and Dul loses both arms.  So last I heard Dul is running away arm less lossing mass amounts of HP to get back to his clerics to heal him up, while Fiend chases him down....


----------



## KrazyHades

How about FORGETTING to prepare dispel magic, and then having the party's only rogue stuck in a Temporal Stasis trap before deciding to camp out for eight hours so they can prepare it!? THAT was fun. And this is right after seeing a rabbit from the Bag of Trapfinders (grey bag of tricks  ) get stuck in it.


----------



## Bob5th

Most of my stupid player moments involve the same player, let's call him Paul.

First up our group was playing in a Top Secret game and Paul decides to set up a appointment with a call girl escort service type of thing. Paul had hoped that the person we were trying to get to had used this service so I thing he was hoping to get some information from the girl as well as have his "fun". 

Well to pass the time until his date he decides to go sea fishing. After bugging the GM some he finally hooked a blue marlin and spent quite a while trying to reel it in. Paul then started to worry that he was going to miss his date because of the fish so instead of cutting the line he pulls out his gun and shoots the blue marlin. 

Of course this really freaks out the captain of the boat who then radios this back to the mainland. Authorities are waiting to pick him up when they dock and he misses his date.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Ballstic used an alien "Power Magnifier" to increase his powers -- high body density and supersonic running speed -- but got too greedy and left the Magnifier on too long. He took off after the Villain of the Week, smashed through every building and vehicle in his path, skimmed across the Pacific Ocean, and straight up the side of Mount Fuji. It worked like a ramp, launching him into outer space. He died from the vacuum, and his body impacted with a star 10,000 years later. 

It's not speed that kills; it's the lack of brakes.


----------



## Lalalei2001

"I drink the bottle marked POISON on the off-chance that it's the extra-healing potion." 

It wasn't.


----------



## Kae'Yoss

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> "I drink the bottle marked POISON on the off-chance that it's the extra-healing potion."
> 
> It wasn't.




That's from the famous last words list!


----------



## ha-gieden

Ok, here's one:

The PC's are standing in a field of waist high dead grass.  A harsh, evil wind blows.  In the distance, an army marches past.

Or would have.

One PC says, "I cast flaming sphere."
The DM, taking pity, says, "Well, it rained not *too* long ago (pushing the boundaries of realism, there), so the grass doesn't catch fire *yet*.
"Good," says the PC.  "I cast another one."


Here's another:

Slydder, a stealthy type who's claim to fame is the ability to turn into a small, blind mole, is very angry at "D", a knight wannabe who owns one old horse, one suit of plate (painted black to hide the signs of wear), and one set of horse barding.  These are both PC's.

They are hired as underlings by someone way more powerful than themselves, and at one point are instructed to "wait outside" while the NPC checks out a fortress.  The PC's don't.  Instead, the knight comes in *on his horse* *wearing full plate*.  The ninja wannabe sneaks on ahead.  When the big baddies show up, they see the knight (who's incredibly obvious), but not Slydder, though Slydder is closer.  The knight, worried about what's about to happen and thinking Slydder won't come out of hiding to help, outs Slydder himself by pointing to his hiding place and saying, "Why don't you come out and fight like a man?"

Amazingly, they survive.

So later, Slydder tries to poison the knight.  Unfortunately, he messes up.  Now 2 PC's and a horse are poisoned.  The two PC's, blinded, nearly dead, deep in the desert, crawl around taking wild swings in the air trying to hit one another.  This goes on until they are too tired to move.  They rest, but now the knight is having to make some serious CON checks; he's wearing black armor in the desert.

He refuses to take off the armor.  In fact, he goes to remove the barding from his dead horse, and then tries to DRAG IT back to the nearest city.  After a series of amazing CON checks, he finally dies due to heat, damage, poison, and exaustion within a few hundred feet of the city walls.

Meanwhile, Slydder gets to that city, and offers the poor barkeep FIVE PLATINUM to "keep guard" at his door while he goes to sleep.  He does this in front of a bunch of poor, unruly looking townspeople.  It did not end well.


AND FINALLY:  (Almost) Total Party Kill in under 15 minutes

The PC's start out in and around a xenophobic city that tolerates nothing but humans.  It is huge, well guarded, and has a fighting arena where dwarves, elves, and the like fight to the death for the citizens' amusement.

Two PC's (we'll call them "A" and "B") are dwarves.  They are together and well armed, and they are simply passing by the city.  They see the huge warning, in Dwarven, that Dwarves seen near the city walls will be executed.  They see the guards.  What do they do?  They attack.

One is killed on the spot, the other is taken to fight in the arena.  However, he acts up so much that the guards deem him too dangerous to work with, and so he ends up in an exposure cage.  Two PC's down in under 5 minutes. 

One PC (let's call him "C") starts out in the arena.  He is strong enough to lift the heavy gate that his captors have just pushed him through, and has secretly made escape plans with several NPC's who are currently pretending to fight eachother in the arena.  

PC "D" starts the game by being pushed into the arena just as PC "C" and the NPC's make a break for it.  PC "D" lifts the gate, and the NPC's begin fleeing...but PC "C" says, "I was put in here to fight, right?"  

DM nods.

PC "C" says, "I attack that guy holding the gate...his hands are full, so he can't fight back!"

The DM had been intending to be merciful; had those two escaped, they would have passed right by PC "B's" exposure cage and been able to rescue him.  But alas, it was not to be.

There were 3 more PC's, played by a group of experienced players had been playing these characters for a while.  Seeing how dumb the other PC's were being, they decided to abandon the campaign entirely, and simply teleported out.

Campaign over.  3 dead, 3 survivors, under 15 minutes.


----------



## DonTadow

Whew, now that the campaign is over with I think one of my "problem" players was saving the best for last. We'll call her player 1.  

This is a two parter.

In the second to last adventure before the final game session, got no inexplicable reason, Player 1 openly murders a priest of the party's cleric's (player 2) dietiy in front of her in her temple, for no reason other than "she was getting on my characters nerves".  A stupid thing in the fact that if I played this harsh, she would have been executed right there. But, I let this play out.  

Player 1 character escapes. 

Here's were things get wierd. 

The rest of the party are attacked by an ancient blue dragon whom has a vendetta against two of the pcs.  In the mean time, the player 1 is passes me a note and tells me she's hiding in the forest and drawing arcane ruins on the ground.  She didn't explain why, and I didnt ask as I didnt want to take my focus off of the exciting rooftop dragon fight.  In any case she spent the next 10 rounds making this arcane mark.  

After the fight with the dragon,  player 2, whom polymorphed into a dragon, went to look for her fugitive while she was in her strongest form.  She easily finds her and her torch in the otherwise dark forest.  The party 2 swoops down to get vengence on player 1 for killing a member of her church.  At that point I let combat just happene. Thats when player 1 explained what she was doing. She was writing giant arcane ruins on the ground so that for some reason if the other dragon for some reason went looking for her (which he wouldlnt becuase he didnt know she existed), he would read the arcane writing somehow beyond the canopy of the trees and take... 3d6 damage.  Thats right, 10 rounds of planning for 3d6 damage, and this from someone whom could probably deal 50 to 60 damage a turn.  Anyway, player 2 swoops down, takes the 3d6 damage and slaughters player 1.  First time I've allowed player vs player combat and i was glad of the results.


----------



## Doghead Thirteen

Imagine the scene. A concrete hallway about 50 feet long. Hard cover at one end, a pillbox equipped with a pair of .50 M2 Browning heavy machine guns at the other. The PC's are hunkered down behind the cover, having seen a cannon fodder NPC torn to shreds by the crossfire. The GM later stated he'd fully expected us to back off and try to find another way into the complex; this was the front door.

That's when one of the players decides to attempt to get over to the far end of the hallway and press up against the wall between the two machine gun ports.

His exact words?

'I *walk *over to the machine guns as quickly as possible'

Note the word 'Walk'.

So essentially he stood up and started briskly sauntering straight into a hail of half-inch brass-jacketed lead slugs travelling at supersonic speed...


----------



## Lalalei2001

GM: "The guards' bullets are riddling the van."
PC: "The briefcase! It's full of plastic explosives! I set the timer, throw it out the window and tell Dave to floor it."
GM: "How long do you set the timer for?"
PC: "Uhh, three seconds." 

*BOOM*


----------



## Lalalei2001

Got any more tales of PC stupidity?


----------



## Dark Dragon

This happened last session. It is a two-parter.

Part 1)
The party (a human bard/barbarian, a human monk/wizard/enlightened fist, a human druid, a reincarnated elf fighter (former human), a reincarnated kobold rogue (former halfling) and a very young brass dragon) are looking for some sinister guy who may have some valuable informations.

One day, the party rests in an inn. The wizard is writing a spell in her book, the dragon sleeps in a cozy fire, the rest is hanging around.

Then that sinister guy walks in. The dragon is the only one who knows the guy. So he waited until the guy took place and secretly informed his friends. 

The bard, the fighter and the rogue tried (quite harmlessly) to provoke a fight, but the stranger stayed calm. 

After some more insults, the guy left the inn and waited outside, hidden behind the door. The bard followed him, pretending to smoke some tobacco. The rest of the group didn't follow.

When the bard closed the door, the stranger barred it with a kukri and drew his heavy pick.
Initiative was rolled.
The bard didn't fight well and got his skull crashed with a critical hit in round 2. The blocked front door prevented the rest of the party to help in time, except for the dragon who went outside through the back door.
Nevertheless, the rogue managed to blast the door away with his ring of the ram and the party could join the fight. The stranger fell to the dragon's sleep gas and was tied up for later interogation. The bard was dead, though.

The point: Smoking kills...

Part 2)
Same party, some minutes later.
The druid, the monk and the dragon went for a nearby forest. There, the druid started to cast reincarnate on the bard. Houserule: Casting Time 1 hour.

Meanwhile, the fighter and the rogue guarded the unconcious stranger. Then, the local ruler, a very smart countess, arrived with her bodyguard, because the had heard of the fight. She asked about the incident. The rogue told her almost everything... The countess went to see the guy.

She recognized the stranger and asked the fighter and the rogue to leave the room. Both denied, fearing that the countess may help the stranger to escape...

First, it was a battle of words. Then the fighter and the rogue drew their weapons and attacked BOTH the bodyguard and the countess...It was very clear that the two would not last for long against the two PCs. When the countess shouted for help and tried to escape, the fighter knocked her out, at least dealing only subdual damage. Then the two grabbed the stranger and fled. 

The rest of the party was unaware of that and showed up at the inn with a new party member, a gnomish bard...and at the inn, they met a very furious countess...

Point: Law is for whimps. But the two players played out their PC's chaotic alignment very well.


----------



## Lalalei2001

"I stab myself in the chest to see if Kevlar is knifeproof as well as bulletproof."


----------



## Thurbane

In my first game of Twilight 2000, my character, based on Higgins from Magnum (  ), decided to charge a T-72 tank armed with...an Uzi and a hand grenade. After realising how entirely ineffectual my weapons were against the armor of an MBT, I started running around the tank, figuring if I stayed out of the direction the gun was pointed, I'd be OK.

...I totally neglected to consider the machine gun also mounted on the tank.


----------



## robberbaron

Hmm, lemme see......

3.5 Nightfang Spire; bit of a ruck with some shadows and shadowmastiffs. The party had not taken the time to fully check out a hallway before opening doors and out came hte undead. The Ranger (archer deathmachine) moved toward a shadowmastiff and went clean through the floor, down a razor-lined chute and out into the open air......whee......thud. Of course, the undead mutt just watched as it hovered over the hole.

1e game; party were investigating an underground complex deep in the Chaos Wastes. After dealing with the opposition, the party took notice of the enormous fish tank, full of odd-looking beasties. Paladin shot an arrow (max. damage) at the glass as they were leaving (in a fit of pique) then got lofted 200' into the air above the entrance by the pressure of water from the alien sea (on another planet in the PMP) the portal of which she had just unsealed.
The large body of water created, when the pressures equalised, was called the Kirin Sea, in her honour.

3.5 game; party in mountains get set upon by a couple of Behirs. The barbarian type charged one, and got picked up in its mouth, taking most of his hit points in the process. Psion, who can only see the back end of the Behir, Energy Balls it, turning barbarian into charcoal brickette.

Palladium; 2 characters roped up to more safely climb a cliff. One (let's call him Neil) gets to the top and starts moving around, looking for an entrance, the other (call him Rob   ) gets most of the way up before falling off. Neil gets dragged across the clifftop and describes a clean arc through the air to land a couple of hundred feet away from the cliff, in a bit of a heap. And a bit of a mood.


----------



## Elemental

Kae'Yoss said:
			
		

> That's from the famous last words list!




I recognised a lot of his contributions from the now-defunct site _Blaize O'Glory's RPG Graveyard_. Still, it is funny to read them again, regardless of originality.


----------



## STARP_Social_Officer

How many of the people who've posted so far have been designers or developers of RPGs? I'd love to see some posts from Gygax and others on this topic.


----------



## Kae'Yoss

STARP_Social_Officer said:
			
		

> How many of the people who've posted so far have been designers or developers of RPGs? I'd love to see some posts from Gygax and others on this topic.




I guess people are always careful when game designers are around: If you do something stupid in a regular game, you're laughed at by the other players and the DM, and maybe make some message boards. Mess up with some game designer around, and you might read about it in the next rulebook. Having a Gezebo Moment, so to speak.


----------



## Thurbane

Back in a 2E game I was playing my namesake character, thurbane the wizard, and had polymorphed myself into a dwarf to infiltrate a pub and get some info (Thurbane was a fairly well known hero at that point, having just completed a major quest with his party).

The innkeeper thought I was a bit suspicious (he didn't recognise me as a paying guest, but saw me coming downstairs from the lodging rooms), so he asked my name...

My response?

"Thurbane!...uh, um...not THAT Thurbane..."


----------



## Moon-Lancer

i dont want to be rude, but it takes two to tango in some of these cases.


----------



## lazarus1020

It has taken me a while to read through all of this but I have to admit in my 15 years of gaming experience I have had a few moments of gaming stupidity.

1) Very similar to some earlier posts.  The party was traveling through a underground passage into a Giants castle. As they are going down one hallway the party sees "a strange glistening black substance on the wall."  The great mage says," I lick it." No more verbal component spells thanks to a Black Pudding.

2) This one happened back in 2e when I first began playing.  Our party was in service to a powerful lord and had to get our orders from his arrorgant court wizard Dowen.  Our Dwarven fighter Balak was getting very upset at Dowen and says I take out my great axe and cleave the little boney gezzer.  The DM just laughed as he told Balak his axe passed right through the illusion.  We leave the castle without our reward due to Balak. Freddy, the guy playing Balak, asks the DM who he sees outside the castle.  Just a common guard the DM replied.  I punch him in the face was freddy's response.  Balak was wearing guantlets of storm giant strength and the gauntlets of ogre power. He was plus 20 to damage and hit for only 24 pts of damage.  The first level guard died from a broken neck and Balak got to see the finer side of the king's dungeon.

3) Earlier in the same campaign the party had infultrated the private tower of Dowen in an attempt to kill the source of much of their frustration.  In one room we found a cage with a large powerful looking troll.  In perfect common the troll told us that it was a beautiful maiden, who had refused Dowen's advances and begged to be freed.  Denny, playing Gape, a talented elven mage/assassin decided to help the poor lady.  Needless to say the troll nearly killed us as he gloated over the greatness of his master who had given him greater intelligence than the foolish party who had let him free.  Never trust trolls in a cage no matter what they say.

4) Later in this campaign we were attempting to infiltrate the lair of Slaad and came face to face with a Elder toad which was worshipped as a deity by the Slaad.  In two sustained rushes the party had barely scratched it.  Our dwarven fighter had Gape pour all of his deadly poisons onto him.  He then styepped into the hall and hollered,"EAT ME" The toad gladly complied and the DM laughed as he prepared to roll the toads save which we were informed before hand could only fail on a ONE.  The old motto came true as the toad croaked as the DM rolled the dreaded one.  It was the funniest momment as we cut the drarf out of the dead toads belly.

these are the ones from when I was a player, I will write the ones from my DMing days later


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## Lalalei2001

It''s later  Those ones you posted were great though!


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## Brimshack

Moon-Lancer said:
			
		

> i dont want to be rude, but it takes two to tango in some of these cases.





I'd agree with that. And even the ones I supplied up aways back weren't so much caused by personal stupidity as a sort of mind fart I think, just not making the connection. 

The thing is truly stupid players rarely make for entertaining stories. Truly stupid players can't figure out which dice to roll, can't show up on time, don't grasp anything you say, and generally don't understand what's happening to begin with. These are in most cases stories about players who made the wrong decision, at least as the DM saw it. Not the worst thing that can be said about a player, really. Just a lot of funny anecdotes.


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## czak808

*poker game*

2e Castle Greyhawk (the comical one with Miny Onions of Set).........
Coming back to the main square to recover from one of the many layers, the halfling thief/ fighter got into a poker game.  The ante went beyond his bank account, so he picked the ring of wishes from the other PC watching the game and threw it in the pot.
An hour (real) of players argueing, the halflings straight lost to a full house....


----------



## Lalalei2001

^ He shoud've used the ring to wish that they'd win the game


----------



## Scott_Rouse

Our rogue started climbing down a 40 fot hole with 50 feet of rope tied to his waist and fell after 10 feet. Needless to say it did not stop his fall.


----------



## Lalalei2001

I found a funny one from the RPG Mortuary.

Well, after having led three full parties to their deaths in various ways, Aldric decided it was time for him to hide his elven behind in some place that no one would ever find him. Ever. So he decided to go where no one else ever could, or would: the Tower of Wayreth. 

He tricked a powerful wizard into giving him an amulet that would allow him to travel through the woods to the tower unaffected by the fear. He made it to the tower, thinking he was going to set up there for a while, and use some of his magical trinkets to make himself at home. Unbeknownst to him, Raistlin had already arrived, and was very angry at having been disturbed. 

Raistlin met him at the gates, and ordered him to leave. Aldric, not knowing who Raistlin was, refused, saying "Make me you, worthless human!" Needless to say, Aldric was no match for Raistlin, and quickly found himself at his mercy. 

Aldric, never having been bright, continued to insult Raistil using every insult he had ever heard any Kender say. One of them set Raistlin off, and Raistlin decided a most cruel punishment for him. He transformed Aldric into a small statue, and teleported it into Kendermore.

Aldric is now a small statue of a human, being passed around Kendermore from Kender to Kender until the curse is lifted. Sadly, the only way for the curse to be lifted is if the Kender that has him brings him back to Wayreth without managing to give him away, lose him, or otherwise misplace him.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Any more stupid players?


----------



## NCSUCodeMonkey

Was a player in a game once where the party rogue, while invisible, snuck into the middle of a secret ceremony where a child was about to be sacrificed. Made all of his hide/ms checks. Slipped up onto the altar, grabbed the child, and I quote:



> I look the head priest DEAD IN THE EYES and flip him off



Problem #1: The head priest was a Medusa, a fact that we were well aware of, having fought him earlier.

Problem #2: The rogue failed his save


----------



## Merkuri

NCSUCodeMonkey said:
			
		

> Problem #2: The rogue failed his save




Now there's a question... does an invisible character turned to stone remain invisible until the duration of the spell expired?  If so, I hope nobody trips over him.


----------



## Kae'Yoss

Flipping someone off while being invisible. Good job, Sherlock


----------



## Lalalei2001

The PCs had just asked a king for help against an enemy, and he refused to help them. A PC said out of anger, "The king is stupid! Let's kill him!"

The king was standing right behind them and immediately ordered them imprisoned.


----------



## dmccoy1693

This happened two sessions ago.  We're in the cult of Orcus hunting down an amulet from another cult of Orcus (in an underground lair, we also know there are ALOT of vampires down there and a cleric).  We had a great plan (which SOMEHOW was the brain child of the PC that didn't stick to the plan, a telepath) of the fighter/wizard (me) and the cleric get in our bags of holding and hold our breath, the vampire would grab our bags go gasseous and fly through the unwatched, sealed but not-airtight front door, and let us out of our bags.  The telepath was left on the surface with a bunch of NPC and was suppose to open up a 2nd front through the watched back door after the fighting started.  

But then the telepath gets the BRILLIANT idea of attempting to negotiate with the guy watching the back door.  I interrupt him and tell the DM, I'm getting my bag of holding now and look right at the cleric, waiting for him to do the same so we can get this going while they're talking.  The telepath, getting high on himself being the center of attenction (esp while the cleric and vampire just sat there and watched) proceeded the the guy on the other side of the door who we are, where we live, what we're looking for, and our vampire's weakness (he had a magic item that allowed him to move around in the daytime).  

Then, the telepath gets tired of the other guy's taunting and he uses one of his psionic abilities 4 times (thus taking 4 rounds) to destroy the dirt to get to the guy and then mind bursting the rock ceiling (5th round) and thus causing a cave in of the all the surrounding dirt, filling the complex with dirt.  So we have to dig our way through the complex, but since the dirt is loose from falling and not airtight, all the vampires have free movement.  My fighter/wizard and the the telepath needed a restoration spell to hear our negative levels.

The best part is is that the amulet wasn't there.  The telepath successfully negotiated with someone else who knew where it was to get it (believe it or not), but the cleric and my ftr/wiz needed to be placed under a Geas.  I agreed to it if at the start of everyday for the rest of my character's life,  I am permitted to have my character punch the telepath in the face.


----------



## vonmolkew

After playing for two solid years and actually getting to a level the module was designed for, my party went carefully and thoughtfully through the Tomb of Horrors with only minor scratches.  We deduced that EVERYTHING was going to cause us problems if we didn't stop and think about it first.  Then we picked up the obviously valuable crystal skull without even thinking about the consequences..........

Demi-Lich?  What the !~@#!@ is a Demi-Lich?............


----------



## Lalalei2001

^ That must've sucked...I'm assuming they died?


----------



## Lalalei2001

The funniest/stupidest story I ever heard about a DnD game was the one about the player who didn't know what a gazebo was. The DM stated that there was a large gazebo off to the left of the party as they entered the town square. The player immediately readied his bow and ran for cover at the corner of a nearby building. 

The rest of the party just stood there! How could they just stand there like that!? The player asked the DM what the gazebo was doing. The DM responded, " It's a gazebo!" The player took this to mean that he should know what it was going to do, so he put several arrows into it one after another. 

When the DM said that the arrows had no effect on the gazebo whatsoever, the player's face went pale, and he drew his sword and charged in to save hs fellow party members who were still just standing there. The DM had had enough, and the dreaded gazebo, finally tiring of all the taunting, rose up and swiftly killed the foolish attacker.


----------



## Lalalei2001

There was a party being held in a keep that the characters had to get into. They first had to get past the guards who were looking for weapons. They were tossing people before they got into the door for having so much as a peeling knife. So one guy in the party gets this great idea:

Player: "How much does a short sword do?"
DM: "1d6"
Player (checking character sheet):" Alright! I have 30 hit points!"
DM: "So what?"
Player:"So I sheathe the sword into the top of my head down to the hilt and put on a top hat!"
DM: "Ok people, Fred sheathes the sword into his head and falls down dead."


----------



## Merkuri

I think I'd call that a self-coup de grace.


----------



## Lalalei2001

The party has spotted a messenger traveling quickly on horseback, and they decide to ambush, capture, and interrogate him on the nature of his mission. They hide behind some bushes to wait. As the poor unsuspecting messenger gallops by, they spring their plan into action:

Druid: I cast "Hold" on his horse.

DM: On the horse? Umm, okay. 

*fails saving throw*

DM: The horse freezes, but you know, there's a whole lot of inertial energy in that horse. Frozen in mid stride, the horse goes tumbling end over end. The rider screams an obscenity (& badly fails a dex role) and is thrown and crushed by his former steed.

Druid: Crap!

(DM roles damage, rider & horse fail another couple saving throws)

DM: Well, you killed the messenger, and you really ought to think about euthanizing that horse.

The party deliberates, kills the horse, searches the messenger, and then decides they want to hide all traces of what happened here, probably because they were too embarrassed.

Paladin: We hide the bodies!

DM: Uh, where? Behind a tree? Horses are heavy.

(Long silence)

Paladin: We bury the bodies!

DM: Got a shovel?

(Long silence)

Druid: I cast "Earth Maw" on the bodies!

DM: Alright, the horse & rider are crushed into gory chunks and engulfed under the ground. There is now an uneven, blood soaked patch of ground here. No one will ever suspect that their messenger met his end here.

Druid: Umm, I "Create Water" on top of it to wash away the blood.

DM: Fine, now it's a muddy, boggy, uneven patch in the middle of the trail. No one will ever suspect.

Druid: Okay, so I cast the reverse, "Remove Water"

Paladin: And I scatter leaves over it!

DM: Errm, fine. You leave the site, confidant that no one will ever be suspicious of the uneven, cracked earth with the pile of leaves sitting on top, smack in the middle of the trail.


----------



## Gilwen

For my group of 20th level characters who had a policy of carry everything you own, leave nothing behind,  it went something like this when ransacking  a powerful and old lich wizard's main lair who was known to be especially sinister....


<DM> You arrive at what you think is the door to the lich's laboratory. You see a green glowing rune like carving. There is another smaller door on the left wall.

<Fighter> I want to kick it in...

<Group> whoa...let the Rogue earn his keep...

<Rogue> I want to examine it to see if it's a trap. 

<roll fails but not enough to set off the trap>

<Rouge> I don't think it's trapped but I'm going try and pick the other door first and see what our options are in that room, there may be an easier way in.

<No objections and he goes over>

<Fighter> I kick in the main door.

<Crazy looks from group>

<DM> you want to kick it in the door with the glowing runes?
<Figter> yep. I kick it in....
<Group freaks out>
<DM> OK everyone within 10 feet has to roll for all of their magic items againist Mordy's Disjunction. (this was everyone but the rogue)

They basically lost everything, the Ranger managed to save his +1 arrows.

It's a good thing I have a rule about player vs player 

Gil


----------



## cutter

We once had a character in a 2nd ed. game who stuck his head in a bag of holding, simply because another character used ventreloquism to convince the player  that the bag was intelligent and was commanding him to do so.


----------



## sniffles

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> The funniest/stupidest story I ever heard about a DnD game was the one about the player who didn't know what a gazebo was. The DM stated that there was a large gazebo off to the left of the party as they entered the town square. The player immediately readied his bow and ran for cover at the corner of a nearby building.
> 
> The rest of the party just stood there! How could they just stand there like that!? The player asked the DM what the gazebo was doing. The DM responded, " It's a gazebo!" The player took this to mean that he should know what it was going to do, so he put several arrows into it one after another.
> 
> When the DM said that the arrows had no effect on the gazebo whatsoever, the player's face went pale, and he drew his sword and charged in to save hs fellow party members who were still just standing there. The DM had had enough, and the dreaded gazebo, finally tiring of all the taunting, rose up and swiftly killed the foolish attacker.



That's an o-o-o-o-old story.


----------



## VirgilCaine

Gilwen said:
			
		

> For my group of 20th level characters who had a policy of carry everything you own, leave nothing behind,  it went something like this when ransacking  a powerful and old lich wizard's main lair who was known to be especially sinister....




The appropriate response to this situation is "Ah, . Last set of astral bodies gone. Let's come back in a few weeks when the wizard has more scrolls of Astral Spell prepped. Let's see what the Council of Eight has decided to do for their game this afternoon." 

( or "I turn on my ring of X-ray Vision and Arcane Sight to see through the walls, examine the lock mechanism and look for traps, etc. What do I see?")


----------



## the_mighty_agrippa

Damn, where to begin?

1. The first-level party of five spies a well-armed, uniformed band of two-score gnolls marching in tight military formation within the domain of a human city known to tolerate non-human mercs and muscle.  The PC ranger draws his bow and fires a wild shot at medium range.  The gnolls calmly form ranks and load their crossbows for a missile volley.  The PCs don't move and the ranger fires two more wild shots.  The gnoll leader steps forward, raises his sword and the PCs stay still.  The ranger fires two more shots, including one that hits for about 3 points of damage.  The gnoll's sword comes down and forty heavy crossbow bolts rip through the party.  

No survivors.

2. PCs, heavily wounded and diseased, decide to camp in an evil temple with incorporeal undead floating around - for four days.

3. A 2E gnome tries to vault a 30 foot chasm in combat.  Odds were 1:20 tops!  If a 2E gnome falls down a chasm, do cavedwellers like gnome salsa?

4. A DM with a woody for lesbians and woman dominance challenged my much lower level 2E berserker to a fistfight with her mid-level guard captain NPC.  2E berserkers?  Immune to subdual damage while in fury.  

5. A PC gained four levels after a good round with a Deck of Many Things.  The PC dies next game, because the player never bothered to update his character sheet.  Fails saves, runs out of HP and doesn't catch the problem for months after he died.

6. Two halflings disguise themselves as goblins - very well, I might add - to bluff their way past an orc sentry.  One even passes himself off as a Bugs Bunny inspired goblin tranvestite.  They mosey up to the orc and... don't speak orc OR goblin.

7. A 2E pally played by a real holy roller constantly detects evil on everything.  The DM tries several tactics to have the PC only use the tactic when necessary but the PC continues to scan priests, merchants, etc at every chance.  But the DM gets a reprieve; when we find a bone dagger made from a human child's leg, no Detect Evil.  The other PCs put the highly evil demi-artifact in the pally's backpack.  The next time he detects evil, he's also trying to climb a sheer rock face in heavy armor and beat back a wyvern.  Multitasking did him in.

8. Same player.  Paladin stands guard while two PC dwarves beat a caravan master for additional gold.

9. Same player.  After the death of his noble godgiven steed, his paladin is convinced by the chaotic neutral barbarian that the party should not have to go hungry...


----------



## the_mighty_agrippa

Jeez!  I totally forgot this one.

_(This is right around the time *Bill & Ted * came out, so people were saying "dude" and "awesome" all the time)_

DM:  You draw the Moon card.  *rolls*  You get one wish.
PC:  Yeah!  I wish for the most massive battleaxe!
DM:  Okeh... like a magical giant's axe or an intelligent axe?
PC:  Dude, gimme the most massive battleaxe ever!


DM:  The sky becomes dark and it becomes dark, like a cloud has blocked out the sun.
PC:   Sweet.
DM:  Roll save vs breath weapon

Here lies PC.  Let this axe serve as his monument.


----------



## Crust

I had a PC touch a prismatic sphere once.


----------



## Vurt

cutter said:
			
		

> We once had a character in a 2nd ed. game who stuck his head in a bag of holding, simply because another character used ventreloquism to convince the player  that the bag was intelligent and was commanding him to do so.




Wait, so lemme get this straight.  It _wasn't_ a bag of devouring?!?

Cheers,
Vurt


----------



## avigor

My dad told me a story once of an adventure he had in a 1st or 2nd ed D&D game: His party was sneaking past a dragon, and his halfling instead snuk up to its nose. He the told the DM, "I am punching to subdue." He rolled a natural 20. The DM asked him to roll again. Another natural 20.

The result was the dragon was amused by the halfling, and let the halfing pick any one item out of his treasure hoard as a gift. The dragon then turned to the other party members and told them that he was going to get the same deal from them.


----------



## Lord Ipplepop

I'm not sure if this is actually right for the "stupidest"; however, it is certainly the "unluckiest".
IN the middle of the game, the Elven Archer was insulted by another character by saying he couldn't hit the broadside of a barn. WHen one happened to present itself, the archer was going to prove that he could, in fact, hit it... and rolled a "1". He then attempted to shoot the ground, and rolled a "1" (although ,I still don't understand the need for the roll at that point.).


----------



## STARP_Social_Officer

Old 1E game. Very first campaign. Very first character.
DM: There's three gorgons chasing you.
Me (mage): Run!
Buddy: We run through the nearest door and close it.
DM: OK. You've escaped the gorgons.
Me: I'll handle this! I prepare a _fireball_ and open the door. When the door's open I fling the fireball into the room and we'll eat roasted gorgon.
DM: OK. You open the door. The gorgons are right on the other side. Roll vs. breath weapon.
Me: Fail.
Buddy: Fail.
DM: Roll new characters please.

Not my finest hour. I admit I was young and naive, but in truth nothing's really changed in all these years.

After all the posts we've had, I don't think anybody could ever hope to top the Head of Vecna. I read that one at work and...well, let's just say I shouldn't have read it at work.


----------



## Superj3nius

alright so were 3rd level doing our 1t dugeon cral and weve got this LN cleric who doenst really understand how to use spells and has crappy strength so hes basially a dwarven cure potion cuz he cant do anything else thats benificial to our group..........

so were exiting and our 4 person party is exiting this dungeon and every on has atleast 200gp worth of stuff except for our cleric that gets the left over crap  . and trys to steal the map back to town and the key to the last room but he trys to do it stealthily..........and fails , so then he keeps on trying until we find another room as were exiting the dungeon with a key in it!!! so he secretly takes it and trys to take control of the group with only him his crap stregth and crap magic.
the next few rounds went like this:
Josh =cleric dwarf
Underhill=rouge halfling
danthar=fighter dwarf
Damashi=sorcerer elf (me)

D- "so josh did you find anythiong in that corner over there?"
J- "um no i didnt find anything"
DM- dude just say you found the key cuz i can see where this is going
J- NO *roll for bluff check* 12 total
D- *roll sense motive* 19 total
DM- what ever, alright so damashi you sense that the cleric is in fact lying
J - i uh cast doom on Damashi
D - *roll for save* 17 total
J- I pull out my hammer
D - magic missle!! 4pts of damage
U  - i sneak attack!! 8 pts of damage
d- i smash his brain in 10 pts of damage
DM- alright josh you have 0 hp what are you going to do?
J - inflict light wounds on damashi! *rolls concentration check* fails
D- magic missles 6 pts of damage
U - i tie him up
d- and we turn him in for money

from that point on that player could not make a soild character. it was either lame  or  uber retarted example
4 chain devils arecomming orc barbarian takes out his spiked chain and runs up to his death
that player was a douche and we no longer play with him but always talk about his stupid characters


----------



## Lalalei2001

This was in GURPS: SPACE.

GM: After taking the lift up many floors of the megacorporation, you finally make your way into the office of the president, as you open the door you see him in his wheeled office chair looking at some papers. A nice panoramic view of the city is visible through the large windows directly behind him.

Player: "I tear in there and make a flying tackle at him."

GM: The rest of you stare in disbelief as he tackles the surprised president. They both crash into the window which shatters and their entangled bodies fly out the opening. You hear their shrieks as they hurtle towards the distant pavement.


----------



## Thurbane

Wow, the builders must have really scrimped on materials for those windows.


----------



## STARP_Social_Officer

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> This was in GURPS: SPACE.
> 
> GM: After taking the lift up many floors of the megacorporation, you finally make your way into the office of the president, as you open the door you see him in his wheeled office chair looking at some papers. A nice panoramic view of the city is visible through the large windows directly behind him.
> 
> Player: "I tear in there and make a flying tackle at him."
> 
> GM: The rest of you stare in disbelief as he tackles the surprised president. They both crash into the window which shatters and their entangled bodies fly out the opening. You hear their shrieks as they hurtle towards the distant pavement.




What the hell? That's like...I don't know what that's like.
::smacks player around the head over great distance::


----------



## Slife

Lord Ipplepop said:
			
		

> I'm not sure if this is actually right for the "stupidest"; however, it is certainly the "unluckiest".
> IN the middle of the game, the Elven Archer was insulted by another character by saying he couldn't hit the broadside of a barn. WHen one happened to present itself, the archer was going to prove that he could, in fact, hit it... and rolled a "1". He then attempted to shoot the ground, and rolled a "1" (although ,I still don't understand the need for the roll at that point.).



There's a trick where you can pretty much guarantee you'll miss the ground on a charge attack.


----------



## Lalalei2001

DM: You see a dimensional portal floating in front of you.

Paladin: Can I see the other side?

DM: No.

Paladin: I throw a rope through.

DM: Okay, it goes through, but the bit that intersects the portal kinda hangs there. You can push the rope further in, but it won't budge one inch back.

Mage: Its a one way portal!

Paladin: I stick my head through.

(stunned silence from around the table)

DM: Make a wisdom role.

*fail*

DM: *sigh* Okay, you stick you head through. You see a barren flame-scarred landscape. Large numbers of demon-like creatures have just spotted your newly appeared, floating head and are running towards you.

Paladin: I pull back.

DM: You can't... it's a one way portal.


----------



## Lalalei2001

My group and I had just gone down into a basement and fought an invisible thing (we were never told what it was).

So after scaring it off, one of the other players decides to look around.

Player1: I search for traps or secret doors.

Player2: It had a knife, I want to pick up the knife.

DM: Player1, you find a helmet sitting below the throne.

Player1: I put it on. *smirks at the rest of us* Hah, I finally have a helmet.

Me: *jokingly: Hah! It's a helmet of non-removal.

Well, I guess the guy didn't know that the DM is the only one who could say that. He starts running around screaming 'Get it off me! Get it off me!'

So he decides to call lightning to his own head to destroy the helmet. Player 1= fried and cripsy.


----------



## Lalalei2001

The party had previously found a Wand of Wonder, and learned that its activation word was 'Snigglefritz'.

In the course of trying to locate a group of orc raiders, they captured an orc scout after a tough fight that left most of the party at least moderately wounded. They decided it would be best to interrogate the prisoner to discover the location of the main body of orcs. 

The orc, though, wasn't talking. So one of the PCs decided to try a little intimidation:

PC: (Points Wand of Wonder at orc) Alright, orc. Talk or I'll snigglefritz you!
DM (Me): Did you just say snigglefritz?
PC: Yup. Talk orc or it's snigglefritz time!
Other PCs: Oh no... Groan...
DM: Okay, roll a D100 to see what the wand does...

The result was a fireball which killed the orc, the interrogator, and 3 other party members outright, and horribly maimed 2 others.

The 2 survivors - both fighters who had a handful of HP between them - decided they should seek help at the pyramid ruins in the valley below. The orcs that were using the ruins as their HQ were verrry accommodating...

It was classic because if I'd have rolled the wand's effect, they would have accused me of fudging the result. Gotta love the WoW.


----------



## STARP_Social_Officer

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> Gotta love the WoW.




Or not.
Conversation heard in my campaign, about a PC's Rod of Wonder (it's a Rod now):
"Seriously, if you activate that thing within five hundred feet of me, I'll insert it in you pointy end first."
"Haha."
(pause)
"Wait...you were kidding, right?"
"I was not."

Classic.


----------



## Lalalei2001

A mage gets his hands on this ring of wishes, with one wish left in it. Now, the thing to remember is that our DM was really sly about wishes. The mage wished to be able to fly as fast as the fastest dragon. Wish granted. The catch? he couldn't stop.

Later, when I was playing a cool Necromancer, we came across this cool floating island with a castle on it. (long story involving a bag of beans.) But, it had no means of propulsion. I set up an arial drag net to see what we could catch; guess what we caught? This odd flying mage. We had our propulsion system at last! The catch? Our island couldn't stop, either. But at least it was slow enough that we could put it in a holding pattern.


----------



## KrazyHades

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> A mage gets his hands on this ring of wishes, with one wish left in it. Now, the thing to remember is that our DM was really sly about wishes. The mage wished to be able to fly as fast as the fastest dragon. Wish granted. The catch? he couldn't stop.
> 
> Later, when I was playing a cool Necromancer, we came across this cool floating island with a castle on it. (long story involving a bag of beans.) But, it had no means of propulsion. I set up an arial drag net to see what we could catch; guess what we caught? This odd flying mage. We had our propulsion system at last! The catch? Our island couldn't stop, either. But at least it was slow enough that we could put it in a holding pattern.




That's...just lovely *tears up*


----------



## Lalalei2001

A player is trying to infiltrate an organized crime gang.

They get suspicious and are holding his hand by the tires of an automobile.

NPC: So you aren't from around here?

Player: That's right.

NPC: OK then what zip code do you live in?

Player: 94570...3184457

NPC: (looking even more suspiciously at the player) That's a lot of numbers for a zip code.

Player: Umm... Yeah... I live a long way away.


----------



## Patryn of Elvenshae

That one would work just because of sheer awesomeness!


----------



## chakken98

recently in my game, one of the players ended losing all of his gear, magic items, etc...only a pair of shorts was what he had.  Another player decided that he'd be nice and let him use his ring of wishes to wish for all his gear back....kinda played out like this...

lost gear player "thanks Geric"

Geric "no problem, we can't have you in the front lines with no items"

Lost gear player: I put the ring on and say "I wish for all my S#$% back"

Pausing a moment I look at him as well as everyone else in the group as I am kinda mean if the wish isn't worded good....

Me "you sure you want to say the wish like that?"  I was giving him a chance....

Lost gear player "Hell yeah I say it like that, I wish for all my S@#$ back..."

other players ask him to think about it which still gets the same wish....They all look at me and just nod there heads.

Me: "So you put the ring on and say to the heavens I wish for all my S@#$ back.." I have to stop for a moment becasue I am already laughing inside..."You all see in the sky a whirlpool of clouds form."  At this point the other PC's start moving away from the Fighter "the whirlpool starts to turn from white to blackish and begins to decend.  Do you still stand there?"

"hell yeah, I want all my S@#$ back!!!!"

"Well your wish is granted as 26 years worth of S@#$ crashes upon you bare frame."

Now I am laughing my ass off, as well as the other players.  He on the other hand was pretty P.O.'d about it....Good Times I tell ya


----------



## Kae'Yoss

chakken98 said:
			
		

> recently in my game, one of the players ended losing all of his gear, magic items, etc...only a pair of shorts was what he had.  Another player decided that he'd be nice and let him use his ring of wishes to wish for all his gear back....kinda played out like this...
> 
> lost gear player "thanks Geric"
> 
> Geric "no problem, we can't have you in the front lines with no items"
> 
> Lost gear player: I put the ring on and say "I wish for all my S#$% back"
> 
> Pausing a moment I look at him as well as everyone else in the group as I am kinda mean if the wish isn't worded good....
> 
> Me "you sure you want to say the wish like that?"  I was giving him a chance....
> 
> Lost gear player "Hell yeah I say it like that, I wish for all my S@#$ back..."
> 
> other players ask him to think about it which still gets the same wish....They all look at me and just nod there heads.
> 
> Me: "So you put the ring on and say to the heavens I wish for all my S@#$ back.." I have to stop for a moment becasue I am already laughing inside..."You all see in the sky a whirlpool of clouds form."  At this point the other PC's start moving away from the Fighter "the whirlpool starts to turn from white to blackish and begins to decend.  Do you still stand there?"
> 
> "hell yeah, I want all my S@#$ back!!!!"
> 
> "Well your wish is granted as 26 years worth of S@#$ crashes upon you bare frame."
> 
> Now I am laughing my ass off, as well as the other players.  He on the other hand was pretty P.O.'d about it....Good Times I tell ya




I heard that before, but with an elf. It wasn not 26 years worth of fertiliser, but easily ten times that much.


----------



## otto_the_enchanter

I once had a character who had various enhancements to his charisma. He was a 10th level human fighter with max ranks in bluff. The party was made of him, a human barbarian and a dwarven cleric. 

The party traveled to a nearby mountain only to learn that a large group of everything-but-dwarf hating dwarves. They let the cleric in no problem. Then I rolled a bluff check, I was bluffing myself as a very tall dwarf. I rolled natural 20 and the dwarf rolled natural 1. I rolled a second and third bluff check. The second check was to pass me off as blind and the third was to pass the barbarian as my seeing eye human. I rolled two more 20's and the dwarf rolled two more 1's. 

It was great.

I once Dmed an epic level campaign, which involved the characters being stranded in the middle of the 7th layer of hell. One character had a rod of wonder. In a battle with a bunch of salamanders the character activated the rod. Out shot a 600 ft cone of butterflies which caught fire on impact with the creatures. That butterfly set one next to it on fire, and that one set one on fire, and so on. Eventually we were left blinded and burning for 1d6 rounds.

Not so great.


----------



## chakken98

Kae'Yoss said:
			
		

> I heard that before, but with an elf. It wasn not 26 years worth of fertiliser, but easily ten times that much.





That a whole lots of fertiliser....yeah, this seems to happen alot.  I heard of another player in a different group that had his gear lost via deck of many things, ended up with the wish card and made the same wish....but this guy was a drawf....


----------



## The-Random-NPC

A few months ago, my buddies and I decide to start a new campain. I just found out about the Ninja class, and my love of Monks and Rogues means I have to try it out. Because we didn't have much money, I decide to buy lots of tindertwigs and oil and combine them to be Poor Man's Alchmeist Fire, and to allow for easy access, I tie all of them to my front. 20 minutes into the campain we find a empty fountain with a dragonhead spout. There was an inscripton on the front, and being the only one able to read Draconic I translate. It says "Let there be fire." Some red glowing liquid flows out from the dragonhead and collects in the fountain. The fighter looks around, says "Theres no fire," and procceds to thrust a torch into the liquid. 1d6 points of damage later he appoligizes to me for setting off the trap. Then we remember that vials of oil only have 1 hp. He appoligized again to the pile of ashes as I went to roll up a new character.


----------



## Lalalei2001

This is a story from a long time ago, but which is still repeated in my gaming group. I was GM'ing a game of Rolemaster and the group were attempting to infiltrate a nomad encampment in the bottom of a gentle bowl, at night. While the group was doing this, the Illusionist (a 7 foot tall High Man) decided it would be a fantastic idea to create a stationary illusion of a powerful-looking warrior some way from the camp to hide behind. 

The other players tried to talk him out of it, but he did it anyway. So the party now has an utterly useless illusion that is a hundred yards from the camp and can't be seen because it's a moonless night! Meanwhile, the rest of the party has stolen what they came for and are fleeing the pursuing nomads. 

The Illusionist player, however, is determined to make use of his spell after all the crap he has received, so he decides to wait until the nomads arrive and try and scare them. 

Well, suffice to say, the nomads turn up and stumble on a huge warrior threatening them in the night. So what do they do? They shoot him with arrows of course. Which pass straight through the illusionary warrior. Straight into the Illusionist crouching behind him.


----------



## Kae'Yoss

I have one from last week:

The party (9th-level gestalt, consisting of a Minotaur Fighter, a Succubus Paladin of Freedom, a  Human Psion(Seer)/Cleric I think, and a Half-Dragon Barbarian.) is in Sigil right now, and they had to obtain some important information (in the form of a riddle) for someone who can get them out of the Cage again. 

Only, they don't trust their employer (to be honest, that is justified), so the psion (who obtained the information) decides that he has to keep it a secret.

In order to keep the secret even in the face of magic, he decides to search for someone who can psionically modify his memory so instead of the piece of paper containing the riddle, he remembers being told a different riddle. He asks around for a reputable psion, and finds one, but since that one's a nomad, he doesn't have that particular power. He tells him about another psion who shold be able to do what he says, but says that he doesn't know whether he could trust him.

He decides to visit the guy, anyway. He agrees to do it (the psion opened the bargaining with 4000, which is a lot more than the telepath would have hoped for) and modifies his memory so that he doesn't know anything about the parchment any more - but only after telling his psi-crystal that he possesses a piece of paper with important information.


Now, the troubles start: He can't tell the others (who don't know about all that, they just knew he had the information, not what it was or what form it was delivered in) that he went to a psion to get his head messed with. Of course, the telepath, being good at what he does, did think of a "suitable" cover story.

So instead of remembering searching a telepath with memory-altering powers, he remembers combing Sigil's Grand Bazaar for some form of Passion Potion (like love potion, but for the more... practical applications of love) to woo that tavern wench he met back on the prime.

So he meets with the others, who of course want to know where he was and why he kept them waiting when they had to meet their employer. Being ashamed of himself for buying some disreputable elexirs, he makes something up about getting good wine to celebrate.  The Minotaur of course seizes the bottle before anyone can say anything, and takes a swig (which, for a mino's mouth, is about half of the bottle), and doesn't quite make the resulting will saving throw.

So for the next couple of minutes, the rest of the party is in the unique position to watch the spectacle of a minotaur breathing heavily and leering at some farmer's cattle, barely able to keep his passions in check. 

I was merciful and let him shake off the effects after a couple of minutes, making feel a bit woozy and having only a very hazy recollection of the last couple of minutes (Of course, that only means that the poor mino doesn't know why the rest of the party is grinning at him like that and making mooing noises).


And that's not all: Remember the psion telling his psycristal about the parchment? As you might know, every psicrystal is a personality fragment of its owner. This one had the single-minded personality, so of course it (played by me) would regularly inform the psion that he possesses a sheet of paper with important information on it, and everything the petstone said was followed by the same thing:

"Hey, you have piece of paper with important information on it."
"Why don't I remember that?"
"Dunno, but the information is very important. It's on a piece of paper."
"Where's that piece of paper?"
"Beats me, but it does contain important information."
"Where did I get that information from?"
"I don't know that, but it's on a piece of paper in your possession."

And so on.

This, of course, makes the psion question his memories. The fact that he went and bought some sort of date-rape potion, which just is not him, wasn't helping either. Finally, after thinking a bit more about said tavern wench, and remembering that the thing he liked most was her gleaming green skin, he broke the mind-modifying power that he had put on himself. He produced the original parchment in the knowledge that he just blew 4000 gold pieces (not counting the money for the Passion Potion) for nothing.

They decide to go with the new riddle (which really is an utterly ridiculous poem that doesn't contain any other clue) and return to their employer. After they recite the poem, he has a laugh, and tells them the real riddle verbatim - turns out that, while rummaging through the psion character's mind, that telepath found who the original riddle was meant for, and decided to look whether he could sell it to the characters' employer, seeing that his current mercs weren't going to give him the information, anyway.


It all went well for everyone involved: Their employer wasn't too upset about it and continued to let them run errants for them (which will get them to hell in a handbasked yet, but they were on that course before their stroke of genius), the party got to have some nice anecdotes about horny horned minotaurs and annoying pet stones, and some bastard telepath in sigil made a quick 6000 gil for what was great fun for him.


----------



## Merkuri

Kae'Yoss said:
			
		

> This, of course, makes the psion question his memories. The fact that he went and bought some sort of date-rape potion, which just is not him, wasn't helping either. Finally, after thinking a bit more about said tavern wench, and remembering that the thing he liked most was her gleaming green skin, he broke the mind-modifying power that he had put on himself. He produced the original parchment in the knowledge that he just blew 4000 gold pieces (not counting the money for the Passion Potion) for nothing.




Wow... just... wow... that is one dedicated roleplayer, because of course you can't modify the player's memory.  Kudos to whoever that was.


----------



## Kae'Yoss

Merkuri said:
			
		

> that is one dedicated roleplayer




That he is! The worst thing is that he can only occasionally join us, since he's studying medicine a couple hundred KM away and is only "home" every now and then.


----------



## Lalalei2001

We had found a genie and after watching the other players wish for things like being able to move at the speed of light, and then burning up from the friction when they try to move, or wanting to be a god, and having the god they worship destroy them for blasphemy... 

I decided to try and get them back by saying "I wish none of this had ever happened!" The DM took this to the extreme and said "Wish granted, you feel a rushing sensation and everything around you moves backwards extremely quickly." I was thinking 'Great, it worked!' 

Then he continued. "You suddenly pop out of existence".  

I asked him what had happened. "You wished none of this had ever happened. The genie went back to the start of the universe and stopped it from happening. Well done, you've destroyed the universe! You could get a lot of XP for that if you still existed." Everyone fell about laughing except for me, who just sat there staring blankly at the table.


----------



## shilsen

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> We had found a genie and after watching the other players wish for things like being able to move at the speed of light, and then burning up from the friction when they try to move, or wanting to be a god, and having the god they worship destroy them for blasphemy...
> 
> I decided to try and get them back by saying "I wish none of this had ever happened!" The DM took this to the extreme and said "Wish granted, you feel a rushing sensation and everything around you moves backwards extremely quickly." I was thinking 'Great, it worked!'
> 
> Then he continued. "You suddenly pop out of existence".
> 
> I asked him what had happened. "You wished none of this had ever happened. The genie went back to the start of the universe and stopped it from happening. Well done, you've destroyed the universe! You could get a lot of XP for that if you still existed." Everyone fell about laughing except for me, who just sat there staring blankly at the table.



 And again, we have a good example of Stupidest Things DMs Have Done


----------



## Planeswalker Maloran

The first game I ever ran, a player rolled high and spotted a concealed pit with a Darkness spell cast across the top of it. So he stuck his torch down into it to see what was below the darkness. Of course, its light didn't shine back up through the darkness... I would have expected him to then do the slightly stupid of sticking his head in with the torch to get a look, but no! He lowered himself down into the pit so he was hanging on the edge by his arms. Then he reached one arm (with the torch) down to light the inside of the pit, so he was hanging on by only one arm. THEN he slid down so he was only holding on with one HAND, so he could get his head below the darkness. Needless to say, he fell to his death.

Then in a campaign I was playing in, the party's thief was looting the body of a dead necromancer. It had a ring that wouldn't come off the finger it was on. He cut off the finger, and then the ring came off just fine. So he promptly put it on his own finger, and was surprised when it wouldn't come off... and more surprised still to find out that it was cursed! He paid the party's mage top dollar to cast Identify and find out EXACTLY what it did, though. ^_^


----------



## Kae'Yoss

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> Then he continued. "You suddenly pop out of existence".




So he just wanted to end the campaign and needed a scapegoat?


----------



## vongarr

I was running an Iron Heroes game, and I had set up a series of encounters leading to the bottom of an ancient temple where a small bronze tube was set on a podium. All throughout the temple there were various Fresco paintings detailing some ancient evil vanquished. The bronze tube was the key to this, if broken it would reawaken the sunken evil empire. I felt I made this pretty clear.

So once they left, there was an ambush by a few agents of this empire that weren't trapped underground. The PC who was holding the tube was cornered, and as a last act before she thought her life was over, she destroyed the tube. I was amazed. I asked her a few times "Are you sure?" while reminding her of the paintings. I even said that their attackers were those depicted in the Frescoes. She still did it. So the evil attackers smiled, and ran off. The few struggling centers of humanity were soon destroyed, and the world as they knew it was over.

Or at least that was what I said. That one act ended the campaign. 

But to be honest, the PC was just naive. I was the stupid one. I have finally since learned to have a story driven game only if there is a stable group who wants that. Otherwise, it's killing the orcs and taking their stuff...I've had too much plot destroyed by wiped out parties and players moving.

But hey, that was what got me playing "normal" D&D again after two aborted non D&D campaigns.


----------



## Slife

vongarr said:
			
		

> I was running an Iron Heroes game, and I had set up a series of encounters leading to the bottom of an ancient temple where a small bronze tube was set on a podium. All throughout the temple there were various Fresco paintings detailing some ancient evil vanquished. The bronze tube was the key to this, if broken it would reawaken the sunken evil empire. I felt I made this pretty clear.
> 
> So once they left, there was an ambush by a few agents of this empire that weren't trapped underground. The PC who was holding the tube was cornered, and as a last act before she thought her life was over, she destroyed the tube. I was amazed. I asked her a few times "Are you sure?" while reminding her of the paintings. I even said that their attackers were those depicted in the Frescoes. She still did it. So the evil attackers smiled, and ran off. The few struggling centers of humanity were soon destroyed, and the world as they knew it was over





To be fair, it's not like the evil guys wouldn't have broken the tube themselves.  I suspect the PC figured that there was a small chance of survival.


----------



## JoeyD473

Planeswalker Maloran said:
			
		

> Then in a campaign I was playing in, the party's thief was looting the body of a dead necromancer. It had a ring that wouldn't come off the finger it was on. He cut off the finger, and then the ring came off just fine. So he promptly put it on his own finger, and was surprised when it wouldn't come off... and more surprised still to find out that it was cursed! He paid the party's mage top dollar to cast Identify and find out EXACTLY what it did, though. ^_^




This is why my party casts detect magic on everything and if it is magical, before using it will cast identify on it


----------



## Planeswalker Maloran

CHornJr said:
			
		

> This is why my party casts detect magic on everything and if it is magical, before using it will cast identify on it




Oh, he knew it was magic... but nobody with identify was around at the time, and he got impatient, and figured that if he put it on he'd figure out what it did on his own. This is a player who, IRL, has a Wisdom score somewhere between 3 and 7.

In another campaign I was running, there was a player whose characters kept getting killed by the party (or occasionally by himself). One of his characters was a yuan-ti ninja, and when he was being introduced to the party, he refused to tell them his name. The half-giant barbarian insisted he tell them, and he refused. The half-giant drew his greataxe threateningly, and demanded that he tell them his name. So the yuan-ti turned himself invisible and charged the half-giant... with a dagger. Of course, when he hit, he became visible again. The half-giant promptly killed him. The party's necromancer spoke to his spirit and he convinced the party to resurrect him (it probably only worked because the necromancer's player took pity on him) and he apologized, told them his name, and was allowed to join the party.

The next session, the group was in combat with a bunch of pseudonatural monsters. The PCs were scattered across the room, with the melee characters separately engaging groups of 2-3 enemies each. The druid decided to cast flame strike, but on whom? Each group of enemies contained at least one ally. So the player of the yuan-ti said, "Cast it on me; I have Evasion. With my Reflex save, I only need a 4 to make it." So the druid cast flame strike. The yuan-ti rolled a 2, and took roughly three times his hit point total in damage. They didn't resurrect him again.

Another of his characters was a slightly insane soulknife. The party had repeatedly been attacked by assailants from the future, and he eventually discovered their method of time-travel. Then he decided to sneak off when everyone else was asleep, go back in time, find himself in the past, and kill himself. "Why?" I asked him. He said that he didn't believe in time paradox, and was hoping that by creating said paradox he didn't believe in, he'd remove himself from the timestream and become a timeless immortal. I ruled that he did not become immortal, he simply died. The party woke up with no memory of him having ever existed, so he was not even immortalized in the memories of his friends.

A bit later on, they were exploring the tomb of a very Lovecraftian elder-god spawn, and a teleportation trap dropped them in the sarcophagus room. The sarcophagus was open, empty, and about 16 feet long. No exit from the room was visible. After translating the inscriptions on the walls, the necromancer concluded that the elder-spawn had been sleeping, rather than dead, and that it had been asleep so long that its dreams had become semi-pernament. Being closed in the sarcophagus would bodily transport a mortal into this dream realm. None of them had any teleport spells, and they figured they might get a clue from the elder-spawn's dreams that might help them escape. The necromancer guessed (correctly) that it would be wise to load up on Wisdom and saving throw buffs before climbing into the coffin, as they didn't know what other effects it might have.

As he was busy trying to figure out what to cast, the group's paladin decided to do the heroic/stupid thing and convinced the half-giant to help him into the sarcophagus and close the lid. He figured that his saves were decent, and the necromancer was more vital to the party than he was, so he climbed in and the half-giant closed it before the necromancer could stop him. He critically failed his Will save; permanently gaining 10 points of Int, losing 10 points of Wis, and becoming chaotic evil and insane. He also learned the way out of the room. The group subdued him and managed to get the info, and brought him back to town, where they did the most intelligent thing yet: they put a Helm of Reverse Alignment on him, and had someone cast Atonement. It worked, but he didn't want anything to do with the party after that ordeal.

Then the half-giant (Int 6) decided it would be a neat idea to go back by himself and climb into the sarcophagus. After all, the Paladin had come away with lots of dark and terrible knowledge, and knowledge is power! Power is what any half-giant barbarian/frenzied berserker wants, and Wisdom was a small price to pay for it. So he climbed in and--you guessed it--critically failed his Will save. He gained 10 Int and lost 10 Wis, but his Wis had been 8 or 9 to start with. He became a very intelligent but psychotically insane NPC puppet of the elder gods, and one of the fiercest opponents the party ever had to fight. (The player, incidentally, was very happy with this development.)


----------



## Lalalei2001

The group involved in this one included a fighter who was, well, "gifted". The player was actually playing the character like this on purpose, since he typically played the comic relief for the group, though in this instance he was the one who messed up. 

This party had just entered a cavern that the DM had described as " an expansive, open-ceilinged cavern", and had spotted it's occupant: an adult red dragon, one that was clearly not happy to see them. The players, who were all around 5th level at the time, were supposed to have ended up doing a quest for him. That's when this player had a bright idea...

Player: Hey, how big is the tunnel we came in through?
DM: About 4' wide by 8' high.
Player: Are there any other exits in this cavern?
DM: No. Why?
Player (smiling): Alright, I draw my sword.
DM and other players: WHAT?
Player: There's no way an adult red dragon could have fit through that tunnel. It has to be an illusion!
DM (motioning for the others to be quiet): So why are you drawing your sword?
Player: If I take a swing at it, it should dispel the illusion.
DM: Okay, you draw your sword. (trying to give the player a subtle hint) You idly notice raindrops bouncing off of the blade.
Player (apparenly not getting it): Alright, now I rush at it!
DM (shrugs): Okay, you rush at the illusionary dragon, which swings an illusionary claw at you and illusionarily rips your head off. Your character sheet, please.
Player: WHAT? That can't happen! It was an illusion! There was NO WAY he could fit in here.
DM: Sure there is. He came in from above.
Player: Above?
DM: Yes, above. I told you it was an open-ceilinged cavern, right?
Player (after a long pause): It was?
DM (while the others nod their heads): Yep.
Player: Nooooo....

The dragon ended up letting the others go, since it was still laughing too hard to do anything else with them.


----------



## Peni Griffin

A modern supernatural game.  The setting, a regional shopping mall after hours.  The characters are investigating mysterious phenomena and have not been too scrupulous about laws concerning deadly weapons.  That they were in Texas and still violated several tells you something.

So, dimensional rift opens up in the middle of the food court.  Nobody knows what's on the other side, but everybody is pretty sure it's evil.  Michael uncorks a hand grenade, tosses it in, awaits result.  Hand grenade comes right back out and lands at his feet.

"Okay," says Michael.  "I put the pin back in."

Time freeze for argument during which multiple ex-servicemen explain to him exactly why this won't work.  He insists that it ought to be possible and refuses to change his action.  Game resumes with Michael's character trying vainly to put the pin back while everyone else runs like blazes, saving themselves.

And the moral of this story, boys and girls, is that if you don't know how it works, don't equip yourself with it.


----------



## Kae'Yoss

Peni Griffin said:
			
		

> And the moral of this story




"If you pull the pin out of Mister Hand Grenade, he's no longer your friend, AND NEVER WILL BE!"


----------



## Slife

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> The group involved in this one included a fighter who was, well, "gifted". The player was actually playing the character like this on purpose, since he typically played the comic relief for the group, though in this instance he was the one who messed up.
> 
> This party had just entered a cavern that the DM had described as " an expansive, open-ceilinged cavern", and had spotted it's occupant: an adult red dragon, one that was clearly not happy to see them. The players, who were all around 5th level at the time, were supposed to have ended up doing a quest for him. That's when this player had a bright idea...
> 
> Player: Hey, how big is the tunnel we came in through?
> DM: About 4' wide by 8' high.
> Player: Are there any other exits in this cavern?
> DM: No. Why?
> Player (smiling): Alright, I draw my sword.
> DM and other players: WHAT?
> Player: There's no way an adult red dragon could have fit through that tunnel. It has to be an illusion!
> DM (motioning for the others to be quiet): So why are you drawing your sword?
> Player: If I take a swing at it, it should dispel the illusion.
> DM: Okay, you draw your sword. (trying to give the player a subtle hint) You idly notice raindrops bouncing off of the blade.
> Player (apparenly not getting it): Alright, now I rush at it!
> DM (shrugs): Okay, you rush at the illusionary dragon, which swings an illusionary claw at you and illusionarily rips your head off. Your character sheet, please.
> Player: WHAT? That can't happen! It was an illusion! There was NO WAY he could fit in here.
> DM: Sure there is. He came in from above.
> Player: Above?
> DM: Yes, above. I told you it was an open-ceilinged cavern, right?
> Player (after a long pause): It was?
> DM (while the others nod their heads): Yep.
> Player: Nooooo....
> 
> The dragon ended up letting the others go, since it was still laughing too hard to do anything else with them.



Reading that through quickly, I didn't notice that it was open to the air.

Although that wouldn't be much of a cave, really.  More of a crater or crevasse


----------



## boolean

Yeah, the dialogue _should_ have been:
Player: Hey, how big is the tunnel we came in through?
DM: About 4' wide by 8' high.
Player: Are there any other exits in this cavern?
DM: Yes, as I said, the cavern is open to the sky.

Your statement that there were no other exits was misleading.

It was still a dumb thing for the player to do. There's lots of different ways for the dragon to get into and out of the room. Magic to make it easier to fit through the passage (reduce, polymorph, gaseous form), magic to create a different entrance (passwall, disintegrate+wall of stone), teleportation, or simply an illusionary wall covering the main entrance.


----------



## Lalalei2001

This is a story about one user (me) who did something (very) stupid in NWN (good game, stupid player).

I was in Chapter 2, raiding a dungeon (don't remember if it was the Creator Ruins, or the Wizard's Tomb), and eventually, I came upon a room where a bunch of Flesh Golems came out from behind metal doors. I beat up on them, then had to rest to renew my spells. 

Unfortuately, there were a lot of enemies nearby (there was a gap between us, however), and I had problems finding a place to rest. I got so frustrated that I ran into one of the rooms that the Golems had been in, and (foolishly) closed the door. Which locked behind me. With the lever on the other side.

However, I didn't realize this at first. Imagine my surprise when (after resting) I found the door to be locked. Now imagine how stupid I felt when I realized that the door couldn't be picked, or destroyed. I was really worried now. It had been a long time since I had saved, and I didn't really want to undo all that I had done. 

So (hoping for a miracle), I used the Stone of Recall, then stepped into the portal, only to find myself (surprisingly enough) at the exact same spot where I had started. Now I was really annoyed: not only was I still stuck, but I had wasted 100 gp just so that I could see I was stuck!

I finally resigned to the inevitable: I used the Stone of Recall to get back to the temple, then had to trek all the way back to where the Golems first attacked.

Moral of the story: Save often, and if there is a lever, assume that it means that the doors can't be opened any other way.


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## Kelek72

I've always found it best as DM to let bad choices made on obvious mis-communications or non-listening players to be redone as long as they are caught immediately. How many times can someone hear "I wouldn't have done that if you said the vortex was six inches from my head!" before they stop having fun?

It always upsets me when I hear the tales of players who, with no warning, touch the all-mighty and unlabeled death object only to be instantly smited. I try to make a good story into a memorable and ENJOYABLE moment at the game table. 

That said, most of the stories here are awesome!


----------



## HDTVDinner

demiurge1138 said:
			
		

> Trying to communicate with a demon using "the universal language of mathematics".
> 
> Demiurge out.




Thanks for the inspiration!   


Universal Language of Mathematics.


----------



## Lalalei2001

The PCs were playing a group of supervillains, and they'd come to the compound of a superpowered columbian drug baron to kill him. They knew he was too tough to take on if he saw the attack coming, so they posed as well-wishers and potential allies, did up really good fake backgrounds, even had one of the PCs go undercover for a while to set it up. 

The plan was to get in good with him without displaying their powers, and then attack him with them after they had put him at ease, when he thought they were unarmed.

They did all that well enough, did some good roleplaying and were almost at the point where they were ready to take him down, after a week of hanging out with him and even doing a minor mission for him without using their powers. One player however had grown to loathe the drug baron's pet- a monkey he let have the run of the house, who was always up to some mischief at the expense of the PCs. 

The drug baron adored his pet, but this guy really hated it so just before they were planning to attack him this one PC heads off the find the monkey and kill it, thinking that the guy won't find out in the short time before the party launches the suprise attack on him.

So anyway, I state to everyone that the guy is relaxing out by the pool, and his pet monkey is hanging around in his favorite room, wich is right next to the pool area. The PC with a grudge heads off to that 'favorite room', completly forgetting what it is, since i've described it several times and was at that very moment referring to it as the 'arboritum'. 

When he gets there I tell him that he sees the monkey, playing in the humidity amongst the plants... he still doesn't get it. He asks if the drug baron is still out by the pool, and I say yes, you can see him sitting there on a deck chair. . . 

He still doesn't get it. So while the others are getting ready in one of the upstairs rooms ovelooking the pool area, he chases the monkey around the 'room' and finally grabs it, at which point he starts swinging the poor thing around by its tail, knocking over plants and so on as he does. 

I mention to him that if he swings it around too hard he might accidentally break one of the walls, but he doesn't catch on at all, and just says that he'll stay in the middle of the room. 

The other PCs in the upstairs room with a view of the pool area, can of course SEE their fellow PC, as he capers about inside the drug baron's GREENHOUSE, wich has SEE-THROUGH GLASS WALLS. 

They have just enough time to wince and slap themself on the forehead before the drug baron hears a thump from inside his greenhouse, turns to look at it, and sees one of the PCs inside, gleefully flinging his beloved monkey about the place. That's when it got ugly.


----------



## Ed_Laprade

Yet again, we have the GM assuming that the player will connect the dots. The GM flat out refuses to tell the player that he's in a greenhouse with glass walls. When something like that is happening don't hint, no matter how obvious it may be to you and everyone else at the table. The character can *SEE* what it is, so *TELL* the player! This may be a brain fart on the part of the player, but the stupid one, if you will, is the GM. (And yes, I've done that sort of thing myself. From both sides of the screen.)


----------



## Lalalei2001

Certain that his discipline of "Majesty" (a vampiric power preventing anyone from attacking you) would protect him from the six Assamites (vampire assassins) that were surrounding him, Lord Byrnn kicked their leader in the groin, forgetting that any aggression on his part would immediately nullify the effects of "Majesty."


----------



## STARP_Social_Officer

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> Certain that his discipline of "Majesty" (a vampiric power preventing anyone from attacking you) would protect him from the six Assamites (vampire assassins) that were surrounding him, Lord Byrnn kicked their leader in the groin, forgetting that any aggression on his part would immediately nullify the effects of "Majesty."




I once had a player who did the same thing with _Sanctuary_.
Dork.


----------



## Man in the Funny Hat

Stupidest thing my players ever did was to botch up a great module from start to finish - Against the Cult of the Reptile God.  The PC's arrive in town specifically having been called there to look into disappearances.  They trace one disappearance to the local inn/tavern.  The players don't seem to want to take any action AT ALL so I browbeat them into questioning some townspeople.  They verify that a NUMBER of people have disappeared when they check into the inn.  They go to the inn.  The NPC's running the inn look and act _highly_ suspicious.

The PC's decide to get rooms for the night - right at that inn.  Breaking _established_ practice several of them declare they will get rooms all by themselves.  When I ask why they have no particular reason.  Are they perhaps anticipating laying a trap?  No.  When I ask what these PC's do when they are alone in their rooms they tell me, "I'm SLEEPING of course."  When I ask the PC's who are NOT rooming alone if they want to set up watches that night they say, "No."

So what happens?  The cult members running the inn use the secret doors, silence spells, and overwhelming numbers to take one or more of the PC's captive.  As I recall the one(s) sleeping alone were of course given the room(s) accessible by the secret hallway.  Actually, I recall now that I just made it a TPC (total party capture) after giving them every break possible.  They argued about the Silence spell actually MAKING them aware in their sleep that all the sounds (of 3am dead of night no less!) were suddenly absent.  I let them make rolls to possibly wake up.  Some of them made it.  They all still succumbed to overwhelming numbers because they were all unarmed, unarmored (having been asleep), and NONE of them made any attempt to simply LEAVE the room or the area of effect of the silence to warn anyone else.  They all just stood their ground at their bedside and fought until they were clubbed down.

They all had the gall to get angry at that point as if I was running a Kobayashi Maru scenario where there was intentionally no way to win.  I ended the session right there and it still took me a week to calm down.  They were just WILLFULLY being stupid.  They'd never done it before or anything like it later but they just acted with outrageous, intentional ignorance as if nothing I'd said regarding the adventure, the suspicious NPC's, etc. actually meant anything.  One of the most disappointing nights of gaming I've ever had.


----------



## STARP_Social_Officer

Sounds like my players. They've never been quite that dumb, but the one thing you can count of them to do is fight when they can't win. Then die. Then complain it's my fault.


----------



## Lalalei2001

I hate it when players are like that.  But it does make for some pretty amusing stories afterwards


----------



## Evilhalfling

My players are fighting a battle against Ye Old unstoppable undead horde. 
a withdraw plan fails and 4 of 6 are killed - not to worry they are Exarchs of a Sapphire dragon and they comback to life in the dragons lair.  (as they knew would happen)

They are brought back at 0 hp, and several hours later thier druids and priests manage to get everyone to 1/2 hp.  

The dragon starts asking them about how they will handle the horde the next time. One player breaks down and yells that she refuses to throw her life away against the undead, and during re-negociation another PC draws his sword and attacks thier Dragon mentor. No prep spells, Few remaining spells/abilities, at 1/2 hp in a small room.  2 rounds later 2 PCs are KO'd, one charmed and 1 burrowing away in the shape of a badger.  

I was comfortable with them killing off the dragon - it just needed more thought.

We only have 1-2 more sessions in the campaign and are looking at making new characters.


----------



## sniffles

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> This party had just entered a cavern that the DM had described as " an expansive, open-ceilinged cavern", and had spotted it's occupant: an adult red dragon, one that was clearly not happy to see them. The players, who were all around 5th level at the time, were supposed to have ended up doing a quest for him. That's when this player had a bright idea...
> 
> Player: Hey, how big is the tunnel we came in through?
> DM: About 4' wide by 8' high.
> Player: Are there any other exits in this cavern?
> DM: No. Why?
> Player (smiling): Alright, I draw my sword.
> DM and other players: WHAT?
> Player: There's no way an adult red dragon could have fit through that tunnel. It has to be an illusion!
> DM (motioning for the others to be quiet): So why are you drawing your sword?
> Player: If I take a swing at it, it should dispel the illusion.
> DM: Okay, you draw your sword. (trying to give the player a subtle hint) You idly notice raindrops bouncing off of the blade.
> Player (apparenly not getting it): Alright, now I rush at it!
> DM (shrugs): Okay, you rush at the illusionary dragon, which swings an illusionary claw at you and illusionarily rips your head off. Your character sheet, please.
> Player: WHAT? That can't happen! It was an illusion! There was NO WAY he could fit in here.
> DM: Sure there is. He came in from above.
> Player: Above?
> DM: Yes, above. I told you it was an open-ceilinged cavern, right?
> Player (after a long pause): It was?
> DM (while the others nod their heads): Yep.
> Player: Nooooo....
> 
> The dragon ended up letting the others go, since it was still laughing too hard to do anything else with them.



I dunno - I've always thought it was sort of mean to penalize players for missing information. 

But then again, maybe that will teach them to listen more carefully.


----------



## STARP_Social_Officer

Evilhalfling said:
			
		

> My players are fighting a battle against Ye Old unstoppable undead horde.
> a withdraw plan fails and 4 of 6 are killed - not to worry they are Exarchs of a Sapphire dragon and they comback to life in the dragons lair.  (as they knew would happen)
> 
> They are brought back at 0 hp, and several hours later thier druids and priests manage to get everyone to 1/2 hp.
> 
> The dragon starts asking them about how they will handle the horde the next time. One player breaks down and yells that she refuses to throw her life away against the undead, and during re-negociation another PC draws his sword and attacks thier Dragon mentor. No prep spells, Few remaining spells/abilities, at 1/2 hp in a small room.  2 rounds later 2 PCs are KO'd, one charmed and 1 burrowing away in the shape of a badger.
> 
> I was comfortable with them killing off the dragon - it just needed more thought.
> 
> We only have 1-2 more sessions in the campaign and are looking at making new characters.




This seems to happen so often in my campaigns - not this specifically, but more a sort of trigger-happy recklessness. The first, second and third instinct is to attack. It drives me spare, especially when they get beaten up and then blame me.


----------



## ceratitis

STARP_Social_Officer said:
			
		

> Sounds like my players. They've never been quite that dumb, but the one thing you can count of them to do is fight when they can't win. Then die. Then complain it's my fault.




while i dont claim to be some uber smart group we are simply all too paranoid players to be so simply... though we will fight, to the bitter end and proudly die to defend this age old PC tradition!


----------



## STARP_Social_Officer

I still say the *Head of Vecna * story is the indisputable, hands-down winner. I don't think it's possible for anybody to ever be as stupid as those guys. I guess it just goes to show, you don't need a brain to play this game.

And I know I've said this before, but I _sooo_ want to see Gygax post on this forum. He must have millions of these.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Yaeh, the Head of Vecna's a classic ^^ So is Eric and the gazebo.


----------



## JustinM

sniffles said:
			
		

> I dunno - I've always thought it was sort of mean to penalize players for missing information.
> 
> But then again, maybe that will teach them to listen more carefully.




But he missed information and then missed an obvious hint, too.  He didn't just say water droplets bouncing off his blade, but _raindrops_.  You don't get rain inside a cave.  He went from inattentive to stupid in a real hurry.


----------



## AnonymousOne

I had one last game.

After our party cleared out an excavation of some obnoxious undead and a ridiculous ghost, we came across this pool of what appeared to be water.  Our Technomancer (homebrew class) tries to take a sample with a vial, the vial snaps the string it's attached to and sinks.

Debate ensues and my character strips down to his breaches and jumps in.  

DM:  Make a Will Save
Me:  I had a feeling that was going to happen. *rolls*  Natural 20.
DM:  Damnit, you weren't supposed to live through that... 

The Technomancer pulled me out and it turns out I was slowly turning to gold.  It required our cleric and several low level NPC clerics to fix me ... it turns out the pool turned anything dipped in it to gold ... gold with taint.  So I was turning to tainted gold.  A series of potions infused with pure gold caused the lesions and metal coming through my skin to stop.  My Rogue PC now has ivory white skin, Pure gold eyes, and gold/blond hair.  

Being impetuous can cost you a PC...


----------



## Lalalei2001

^ Good thing it wasn't untainted gold. The PCs might have let you stay that way so when you died they could sell you as a statue


----------



## AnonymousOne

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> ^ Good thing it wasn't untainted gold. The PCs might have let you stay that way so when you died they could sell you as a statue




It's okay, I have a Warlock all ready rolled up in case this Rogue bites the dust.


----------



## Goobermunch

AnonymousOne said:
			
		

> I had one last game.
> 
> After our party cleared out an excavation of some obnoxious undead and a ridiculous ghost, we came across this pool of what appeared to be water.  Our Technomancer (homebrew class) tries to take a sample with a vial, the vial snaps the string it's attached to and sinks.
> 
> Debate ensues and my character strips down to his breaches and jumps in.
> 
> DM:  Make a Will Save
> Me:  I had a feeling that was going to happen. *rolls*  Natural 20.
> DM:  Damnit, you weren't supposed to live through that...
> 
> The Technomancer pulled me out and it turns out I was slowly turning to gold.  It required our cleric and several low level NPC clerics to fix me ... it turns out the pool turned anything dipped in it to gold ... gold with taint.  So I was turning to tainted gold.  A series of potions infused with pure gold caused the lesions and metal coming through my skin to stop.  My Rogue PC now has ivory white skin, Pure gold eyes, and gold/blond hair.
> 
> Being impetuous can cost you a PC...




Eerily similar to one of my early D&D experiences.  About 15 years ago, I was playing in a friend's homebrew setting.  I was the chaotic, impulsive rogue type (actually a fire wizard).  At one point during this game, I nearly killed the entire party (three times in about 10 minutes) after falling under the sway of an evil sword/artifact (which had the special purpose of destroying the noble armor/artifact worn by our paladin.  Long after we'd recovered and moved on, we were wandering the wilderness on our way to wherever we were headed, and found a mystical fountain.

When you look into the fountain, you see your pure self.  Then, you make a will-type save (probably mind control).  If you fail, you drink from the fountain.  Then, you get a second fortitude-type save (Poison, Paralysis and Death Magic, I'm sure).  If you fail that save, you become whatever it was you saw.

So our Paladin goes up and looks into the fountain.  There, in his reflection, he sees the golden form of his noble armor.  He then fails his two saves and immediately becomes a walking suit of golden armor.  Not that big of a change for him.  A couple other party members roll the dice and take a look.  No one fails their saves.

Then it's my turn.  I take a look in the fountain and see a swirling mass of colors and sparks.  I make my will save and decide to drink anyway.

As I'm rolling my fortitude save, I casually ask my DM what it was that I'd seen.

"Pure chaos," he replies.

Fortunately, I made my saving throw.  

To this day, I wonder what it would be like to play pure chaos.

--G


----------



## InVinoVeritas

STARP_Social_Officer said:
			
		

> Sounds like my players. They've never been quite that dumb, but the one thing you can count of them to do is fight when they can't win. Then die. Then complain it's my fault.



Heck, when I write adventures, I specifically design to this requirement. Always assume that the players won't take no for an answer, and will blame you if they can't do what they want to, no matter how ridiculous it is.

For example, in one adventure, the players are supposed to view a historical (nonmagical) artifact, which is then subsequently stolen. So, I can't have the PCs standing guard, because they'll die trying to prevent the theft. The local guard, therefore, tells them that they can't stick around. Fair enough. Of course, some PCs won't accept that; it's there, it'll probably get stolen, so they have to stick around to prevent it. So, I dealt with it by having the guard adamantly refuse them, and turn them away. Most (well, many) players take the hint and leave. Those that don't will typically hide, and try to sneak back in to guard the artifact. So, the adventure as written gives them the option of doing this--then seeing the artifact already stolen, the PCs caught by the guard, accused of the crime or at least breaking and entering, and being thrown in jail. Players typically won't be too upset by this. They're the sort that will have been in jail before, they can break out. But then one of the adventure's bad guys, having been placed in jail earlier, breaks himself out of jail by slaughtering the jailers and animating their corpses. The PCs, locked in a cell, denied their equipment, and under the effect of a _silence_ spell cast by the bad guy, are unable to affect the course of action. This is where the players get the actual punishment for being stupid above; the simple denial of affecting the outcome eats away at them. However, the bad guy finished up by freeing the PCs as well before leaving. Since the PCs survive and are free again, they don't blame the DM; they blame the bad guy. 

Otherwise, I'm left with a situation like I had once, as a player. Our party was in a major battle with the BBEG, and we do terribly. Everyone except one person falls. We're all unconscious, in negatives, when the BBEG turns to the one PC still standing and gives him the chance to surrender. One of the players of a fallen PC, not even yet stabilized, calls back, "No! We can take them!" Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed.


----------



## Lalalei2001

^ Nice save.  Level-headed players should play more often ^^


----------



## Switchblade

Most stupid thing I've done in a game (not including times where I was roleplaying my PC into a dumb situation or drunk) was in one of my first ever games where I learn several important lessons.

One:  When setting a booby trap it is usually considered polite to let the rest of your team know you did this.
Two:  When unfamilar with the game you should ask how powerful the charge you are placing is, puting down a small nuke when you think you are placing an antipersonel grenade can cause complications.
Three:  You should check the blueprints of the spaceship before you place the charge, not after.  Finding the ship is only 25m long when you thought you were boarding something a lot larger and the galley you trapped is in the thin neck of the ship and within 4 meters of the outer hull in a 180 degree arc is an unpleasant sensation after finding out you have placed a charge which will atomise everything in 20m.

Almost total party kill (I dived into the escape pod the second I worked out what I'd done) on what was turned out to be a deserted ship with no decernable threat was not my finest moment.  The PC was swiftly retired.


----------



## Switchblade

Dumb things PC's have done:
2e First time anyone got to a high enough level to cast 3rd level spells in any game we'd played to that point I attacked the party with some frog men while they were traveing through a slow moving swampy river in a wooded barge.  Wizard casts fireball.  At a target 10 feet away.  On a wooden and tarred deck.  The rest of the party were a little scorched, the wizard and his spell book were charred.
Shadowrun:  Party are sent to sabotage a nuclear reactor in the bottom of a bunker.  They get lost and stop to ask at a guard post where the secret nuclear reactor core is.
Shadowrun:  Runner is at the check in desk at Heathrow airport.  He decides he needs to get a baggage handlers uniform so walks up to the nearest one and proceeds to slit his throat.  In front of the check in desks.  To make matters worse it turns out he doesn't own a knife, he is using a scalple from his medikit and has no armed combat skills.  He defaults (with a HUGE penalty) to his strenght (his dump stat) and gets beaten up by the baggage handler.  He seemed genuinly supprised to find there were a lot of armed police officers around the airport.  He at least had the sence to go quietly.  Player 2 then mounts a rescue.  He goes in to the station and pretends to be player 1's lawyer.  The fake ID doesn't quite cut it but not suspitiously so.  The desk sergant says "there seems to be a fault on the credstick, do you have another one?" so player 2 hands him another fake ID, different name, different permit list, different....  Player 2 gets busted.  Player 3 does the entire run on his own unimpeded by the other 2 before mounting a sucessful rescue (as he didn't want them loose until after the work was done).


----------



## Numion

Switchblade said:
			
		

> Player 2 then mounts a rescue.  He goes in to the station and pretends to be player 1's lawyer.  The fake ID doesn't quite cut it but not suspitiously so.  The desk sergant says "there seems to be a fault on the credstick, do you have another one?" so player 2 hands him another fake ID, different name, different permit list, different....  Player 2 gets busted.




Hehee   

Once my player had landed into a planet with totalitarian regime in Traveller: The New Era. They also needed some uniforms, so they put a decoy on a road, and waited for a patrol to stop by. Once this happened, one PC jumps up from his hiding place, submachineguns in each hand, and empties two 40-round magazines onto the guards.

they did get the uniforms, but they were riddled with dozens of bulletholes, and were qutie bloody. 

Once in Cyberpunk 2020 the same players were operating a blackmarket bodybank. Two characters were coming back from .. um, probably some illegal activity, and are standing in the corridor leading to their HQ. 

PC1: "BTW, you still owe me 100 bucks, can you pay it back?"
PC2: "Yeah, I'll get back to you on that."
PC1: "No,  I wan't my money!"
PC2: "And I'll give it to you .. LATER!"
PC1: "Why is it so diffiucult with you? I _know_ you have the money, and 100 bucks is pocket change anyway."
PC2: "Okay, it's like that, huh, getting on my nerve for some pocket change? Here's your money, bitch." *Opens fire with automatic shotgun*
PC1, bleeding to death. PC2 goes through his pockets, leaves scene .. regaining a bit of consciousness, PC1 raises his .454 Smartlinked 'Super Chief' revolver and lets out a parting shot. Explosive round to PC2s head. One less character.

In CP2020 a GM didn't even need an 'adventure' to keep things interesting.


----------



## InVinoVeritas

Yeah, I've never understood what it is about Shadowrun or CP2020 that just brings out the stupid in players.


----------



## Numion

InVinoVeritas said:
			
		

> Yeah, I've never understood what it is about Shadowrun or CP2020 that just brings out the stupid in players.




Yeah. Another one: The player of the autoshotgun PC in the previous example had (once again) got his PC killed. So rest of the PCs start to recruit for a new member to their black ops team, and arrange a meeting at a bar. The player has made a fresh character, equipped and all, ready to join the team. The PC goes to the bar they had agreed to meet in, but instead of going to the other PCs, he forces his way into back area of the bar, finds a small office room with a somewhat surprised looking owner of the bar. 

Player: "I pull out a grenade, pull the pin, and stick the grenade inside the mans shirt!"

The resulting explosion killed both his PC and the owner (I reminded him, after being surprised that he had equipped his character with 'nades, that the office was small). I don't know why the player did what he did, but that's the shortest lived PC ever, like 5 minutes of real time / game time.


----------



## Switchblade

A different player, a different group.  Fresh stupidity.
The player has been roleplaying since before I was born and holds a doctrate so should be intelegent and experienced. 
Its CP2020, he is playing as a cop and trying to quell a peaceful protest.  He as standard loads his auto shotgun with alternating solid/scatter rounds and has a solid shot chambered.  SomeONE in the crowd throws a rock.  So the idiot shoots him, full auto thinking that as he doesn't miss no one else will get hurt.  Unsuprisingly he had some explaining to do after his cone of buckshot scythed down a load of old grannies and turned a peaceful protest into a violent riot.

I swear, give someone an automatic weapon and watch their IQ half, or quater with explosives.


----------



## Numion

Switchblade said:
			
		

> I swear, give someone an automatic weapon and watch their IQ half, or quater with explosives.




Once I had a short running cop campaign in CP2020 (I don't know if it's even possible to have a _long_ CP2020 cop campaign). Anyway, the PC cops storm a suspected drugdealers apartment in chinatown. One of the suspects escapes, slides down fire escape ladder on the outside of the building, and starts running away in a crowded chinatown street.

One PC runs to the window, sees the suspect three stories down, running in the crowd.

"I lean out of the window, and put 10 shots on the perp from my Militech, full auto."

He rolls '1' and kills a bystander or two. A riot ensued, and their patrol car was torched. Well, this wasn't just stupidity, but also bad luck since he could've hit with all 10 shots and not hit bystanders.


----------



## Ampolitor

*shocking experience.*

hmm one does stick out a fighter who picked up a wand of chain lightning. He was trapped in a room full of rising water. him and his companions then were surrounded by a small group of zombies. Well genius stabs one with a dagger, and with the other hand casts chain lightning on another zombie. Of course it was a shocking experience for all in the room!


----------



## Slife

InVinoVeritas said:
			
		

> Heck, when I write adventures, I specifically design to this requirement. Always assume that the players won't take no for an answer, and will blame you if they can't do what they want to, no matter how ridiculous it is.
> 
> For example, in one adventure, the players are supposed to view a historical (nonmagical) artifact, which is then subsequently stolen. So, I can't have the PCs standing guard, because they'll die trying to prevent the theft. The local guard, therefore, tells them that they can't stick around. Fair enough. Of course, some PCs won't accept that; it's there, it'll probably get stolen, so they have to stick around to prevent it. So, I dealt with it by having the guard adamantly refuse them, and turn them away. Most (well, many) players take the hint and leave. Those that don't will typically hide, and try to sneak back in to guard the artifact. So, the adventure as written gives them the option of doing this--then seeing the artifact already stolen, the PCs caught by the guard, accused of the crime or at least breaking and entering, and being thrown in jail. Players typically won't be too upset by this. They're the sort that will have been in jail before, they can break out. But then one of the adventure's bad guys, having been placed in jail earlier, breaks himself out of jail by slaughtering the jailers and animating their corpses. The PCs, locked in a cell, denied their equipment, and under the effect of a _silence_ spell cast by the bad guy, are unable to affect the course of action. This is where the players get the actual punishment for being stupid above; the simple denial of affecting the outcome eats away at them. However, the bad guy finished up by freeing the PCs as well before leaving. Since the PCs survive and are free again, they don't blame the DM; they blame the bad guy.




I notice you have no contingency for the PCs stealing the artifact preemptively.


----------



## Numion

InVinoVeritas said:
			
		

> For example, in one adventure, the players are supposed to view a historical (nonmagical) artifact, which is then subsequently stolen. So, I can't have the PCs standing guard, because they'll die trying to prevent the theft. The local guard, therefore, tells them that they can't stick around. Fair enough. Of course, some PCs won't accept that; it's there, it'll probably get stolen, so they have to stick around to prevent it. So, I dealt with it by having the guard adamantly refuse them, and turn them away. Most (well, many) players take the hint and leave.




How are the players supposed to know when an NPC is speaking to them in the "DM voice" and that they should take the hint, or whether the NPC is in cahoots with the baddies and wants them to fail? 

I mean, if somebody tried to get my PC _not_ to do the job I was hired to do, I would be suspicious, and would try to do my job even more. I would be pretty pissed to realize I was on the plot wagon, hired to do a job the DM had already decided would fail.

There's a reason why basically all gamemastering advice says that it's bad form to have a plot where the PCs are hired to protect something and the plot requires them to fail. It's called railroading. Better option would be to have the PCs be hired for the protection job, but have the McGuffin stolen before they get to their post.

And what was the lesson the 'stupid' players learned here? When an NPC tells you something you better do it, or be sidelined for the session?  :\


----------



## InVinoVeritas

Numion said:
			
		

> How are the players supposed to know when an NPC is speaking to them in the "DM voice" and that they should take the hint, or whether the NPC is in cahoots with the baddies and wants them to fail?
> 
> I mean, if somebody tried to get my PC _not_ to do the job I was hired to do, I would be suspicious, and would try to do my job even more. I would be pretty pissed to realize I was on the plot wagon, hired to do a job the DM had already decided would fail.
> 
> There's a reason why basically all gamemastering advice says that it's bad form to have a plot where the PCs are hired to protect something and the plot requires them to fail. It's called railroading. Better option would be to have the PCs be hired for the protection job, but have the McGuffin stolen before they get to their post.
> 
> And what was the lesson the 'stupid' players learned here? When an NPC tells you something you better do it, or be sidelined for the session?  :\




The PCs are not hired to protect the artifact. They were never hired to protect the artifact; they were invited to a party because the local lord wanted to thank them for their previous successes. Guards are already in place before the guests arrive, and the guests are not allowed to carry weapons, armor, or obviously violent magical items with them. The artifact is already protected by PC-style NPCs as well as mook guards, and they are there as guests at a special viewing, not as guards. Also (Slife), the PCs don't get their weapons back until when they leave.

So, they don't have to abandon their posts as NPCs ask them to, they have to let people do their job--they're otherwise asking the NPCs to abandon THEIR posts.

Otherwise, yes, you're absolutely right--I wouldn't have tried this in an adventure if it meant that the PCs would have to fail at their job. I had to make sure that the job that failed was never theirs in the first place.


----------



## Thurbane

My 2nd level evoker, Thurbane, recently ran into rooms without checking to see if they were safe not once, but twice, in the same night. Both instances earned him a whack from a goblin with a battleaxe. (Shattered Gates of Slaughtergarde)


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## Lalalei2001

^ Hopefully he won't do that again. Next time it might be a gelatinous cube or something! Cause once one of my players ran into a room with a treasure, and moved too fast to notice the gelatinous cube in front of the treasure.


----------



## Crimson_Fang

In a game of WEG Star Wars I accidentally sold our newly force sensitive Wookie PC to a Sith Lord... long story

My roommate just reminded me of the time when he accidentally set loose a plauge zombie apocalypse on the forgotten realms. Ancient magics prevent the infected from leaving the city we were ordered to cleanse. (It was our paladin's mount quest. He really desperately wanted an extra fancy mount.) Our fighter gets infected. Everyone tries to run and the fighter gets stuck inside the barrier. Sukael (running a Sorcerer/Wizard/Ultimate Magus) uses his benign transpostion spell to switch places with our infected fighter. DM read the spell, checks his notes on how barrier works and the next morning the fighter is nowhere to be found and the flying column of The Order of the Aster that I have force marching to their location (Morninglord of Lathander with very high charisma = division of pious fighter followers) begins to encounter reports of zombies throughout the countryside.


----------



## sukael

Crimson_Fang said:
			
		

> Sukael (running a Sorcerer/Wizard/Ultimate Magus) uses his benign transpostion spell to switch places with our infected fighter. DM read the spell, checks his notes on how barrier works and the next morning the fighter is nowhere to be found and the flying column of The Order of the Aster that I have force marching to their location (Morninglord of Lathander with very high charisma = division of pious fighter followers) begins to encounter reports of zombies throughout the countryside.




Hey, it's not my fault that the place's makers didn't bother to put in something that blocked line of effect or basic teleport effects.


----------



## Crimson_Fang

sukael said:
			
		

> Hey, it's not my fault that the place's makers didn't bother to put in something that blocked line of effect or basic teleport effects.



While that is true it was your fault that when the paladin and the other wizard decided "Hey the barrier must not be letting our fighter out because she is female", you didn't stop and say "Hey wait not all of those zombies were female and they aren't able to pass the boundary either."


----------



## Lalalei2001

I found this off the Internet, about an online RPG. Still worth a look  

In EverQuest 1, near its release, one of the biggest power gaming shamans had full Rubicite and was level 50. 

I saw his corpse in the troll swamp area for some reason and told him to type /cons Demasus. 

Yup, sure enough, he did it and gave me full permission to loot his corpse (it was truncated from /consent) for my level 3 shaman I had just started. 

Edit: I forgot to mention I then told him that he could have his gear back if he got some money out of the bank to buy it from me. After an hour or so of heckling prices with him about 20 guild mates of his uber geared guild arrived, so it was my level 3 shaman equipped in the best EQ had to offer, this naked level 50 shaman and his entourage of guild mates whining and complaining about how I should give his equipment back.

Moral: Even if you're powerful you can still be stupid.


----------



## Lalalei2001

A funny moment happenned pretty recently in a campaign I'm playing in. One of the PCs had 3 questions to ask some powerful spirit, and it had to answer. The questions were:

"Have the 3 questions started yet?"

"Yes."

"Did that count as a question?"

"Yes."

"You're kidding, right?"

"No."

The rest of the party was not amused...


----------



## glass

shilsen said:
			
		

> And again, we have a good example of Stupidest Things DMs Have Done



Should be the title of the thread.


glass.


----------



## Lalalei2001

There! I edited the thread title. Now stupid DM stories are welcome too ^_^


----------



## Lalalei2001

The PCs were playing a group of supervillains, and they'd come to the compound of a superpowered Columbian drug baron to kill him. They knew he was too tough to take on if he saw the attack coming, so they posed as well-wishers and potential allies, did up really good fake backgounds, and even had one of the PCs go undercover for a while to set it up. 

The plan was to get in the good books with him without displaying their powers, and then attack him with them after they had put him at ease, when he thought they were unarmed.

They did all that well enough, did some good roleplaying and were almost at the point where they were ready to take him down, after a week of hanging out with him and even doing a minor mission for him without using their powers. One player however had grown to loathe the drug baron's pet--a monkey he let have the run of the house, who was always up to some mischief at the expense of the PCs. 

The drug baron adored his pet, but this guy really hated it. So just before they were planning to attack him, this one PC heads off to find the monkey and kill it, thinking that the guy won't find out in the short time before the party launches the surprise attack on him.

So anyway, I state to everyone that the guy is relaxing out by the pool, and his pet monkey is hanging around in his favorite room, wich is right next to the pool area. The PC with a grudge heads off to that 'favorite room', completly forgetting what it is, since i've described it several times and was at that very moment referring to it as the 'arboritum'. 

When he gets there I tell him that he sees the monkey, playing in the humidity amongst the plants... he still doesn't get it. He asks if the drug baron is still out by the pool, and I say yes, you can see him sitting there on a deck chair. . . he still doesn't get it. 

So while the others are getting ready in one of the upstairs rooms ovelooking the pool area, he chases the monkey around the 'room' and finally grabs it, at wich point he starts swinging the poor thing around by its tail, knocking over plants and so on as he does. 

I mention to him that if he swings it around too hard he might accidentally break one of the walls, but he doesn't catch on at all, and just says that he'll stay in the middle of the room. 

The other PCs in the upstairs room with a view of the pool area, can of course SEE their fellow PC, as he capers about inside the drug baron's GREENHOUSE, wich has SEE THROUGH GLASS WALLS. 

They have just enough time to wince and slap themself on the forehead before the drug baron hears a thump from inside his greenhouse, turns to look at it, and sees one of the PCs inside, gleefully flinging his beloved monkey about the place. That's when it got ugly.


----------



## shilsen

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> The other PCs in the upstairs room with a view of the pool area, can of course SEE their fellow PC, as he capers about inside the drug baron's GREENHOUSE, wich has SEE THROUGH GLASS WALLS.




Since his character can actually see them and doesn't have to work it out through verbal clues (however blatant) from the DM, did you ever consider pointing out that the greenhouse has glass walls, through which the drug baron can see him as easily as he can see the baron?

That's what I would do as the DM, which may explain why I don't have that many stories to contribute to the thread.


----------



## Merkuri

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> The PCs were playing a group of supervillains, and they'd come to the compound of a superpowered Columbian drug baron to kill him. They knew he was too tough to take on if he saw the attack coming, so they posed as well-wishers and potential allies, did up really good fake backgounds, and even had one of the PCs go undercover for a while to set it up.




That sounds awfully familiar.... oh, yeah, you posted the same exact thing, pretty much, back in September.


----------



## sukael

shilsen said:
			
		

> Since his character can actually see them and doesn't have to work it out through verbal clues (however blatant) from the DM, did you ever consider pointing out that the greenhouse has glass walls, through which the drug baron can see him as easily as he can see the baron?
> 
> That's what I would do as the DM, which may explain why I don't have that many stories to contribute to the thread.




I'll have to agree with shilsen here.


----------



## The Grumpy Celt

How about "Showed up for the game in the first place."


----------



## Shape D.

Here's a somewhat funny situation that ended up happening to one of my characters. (actually probably my favorite character I've ever made)

Sorry for the length, if I knew how to do the Spoiler thing I'd stick it in one of those....

Garrett Blackhand, Halfling Fighter/Master Thrower

To preface the story here I should mention Garrett was Chaotic Neutral. He generally did the "right thing" although usually not for the right reasons. More than anything he wanted Fame, he wanted to be the world next big hero that was spoken about in legends for years to come.....

So anyways a female NPC who traveled with us was grabbed earlier in an adventure and taken to the enemy's camp. (it should probably be noted now that my character had been constantly trying to get into this girls pants, he had a thing for human girls.) The leader of the group was a Cleric, that was capturing people who were able to be "attuned" to his way of thinking, thus creating a subservient army of faithful followers, which is what he was planning on doing to this girl. the party snuck in ok, but all hell broke lose as we disturbed the ritual. there were several prisoners whom were tied up, and several clerics and guards in the main tent of the camp. as the fight broke out the leader summoned an earth elemental and took our npc ally and attempted to escape. Me being the hero I decided to follow them breaking one of D&D's sacred rules. (never separate the party)

I caught up to the BBEG in the forest, after the earth elemental had been released, however he had rounded up a few guards on his way out of the encampment. leaving a balanced fight of 9 baddies vs 1 awesome hero..... The cleric screamed to the guards "get him". I stood still weapons away staring at him, and told him he was a weakling, who couldn't fight for himself, and challenged him to a one on one fight which ended up going like this....

Garrett wins initiative.
Garrett: I throw two daggers at him (both hit)
BBEG: I cast Blindness (Garrett fails his save)
Garrett: I throw two daggers at where I remember him being (one hits)
BBEG: Cast Deafness (Garrett fails his save) and BBEG 5 foot steps to the side
Garrett: pulls out another dagger and charges the spot where BBEG was... Unfortunately he miscalculates the distance, and runs face first into a tree.
Bad Guys: Promptly tie up Garrett, and leaves him sitting in the woods by himself, not being evil they don't have any reason to kill him.

Garrett ends up escaping the bonds, but seeing as he can't see or hear anything he finds a tree and sits against it waiting holding a light mace.

Thankfully the party (with help from the ranger) find Garrett Sitting against a tree alone not responding to seeing them, or hearing any of their questions. The cleric decides to help Garrett stand up, which results in Garrett clubbing him in the side with the mace when he grabs him. 

The party not sure what's going on, but realizing that Garret can't see, and are assuming he can't hear either try to subdue Garrett. (who knocks the mage and cleric unconscious in the struggle. but is eventually knocked unconscious via subdual damage and tied up.

The cleric says he can remove the curses Garrett has, but not until the following day. But all Garrett knows is he was captured, and these fiends were leading him somewhere.

Garrett comes to after being healed by the cleric and A few hours later escapes his bonds again, and attempts to run away at full speed through the forest. "SMACK" right into a tree. The Ranger this time Grapples and pins Garrett holding him down, and decide they need to find a way to him know who they are. The ranger traces the word "Friend" in his hand one letter at a time, and Garrett with a good INT check recognizes what he's writing, and responds with "Who the F... are you?" he writes his name in my hand 3 times before I get it, but when I know who they are I stand up and say, "why the hell didn't you say so in the first place."

A day later I'm back to normal, although the cleric is apparently a bit pissed at me....


----------



## prospero63

I believe one of the stupider is shortly forthcoming.

New player is brining in a necromancer... into a party who one of the party leaders is a cleric of Pelor... It's going to make for an interesting session. I wonder what his backup character is...


----------



## prospero63

Back in 2nd Edition, we had an NPC in the party with his "trouble stick". It was a wand of wonder. We'd get into a bind and hear the words "trouble stick, don't fail me now". Sometimes it worked. Other times, a lightning bolt killed a party member... good times...


----------



## prospero63

We also had a situation where a new character was coming into the party. The party had an itchy trigger finger. The player confronts the party. They are at the proverbial "mexican standoff". He's being told not to make any sudden movements, etc. One of the party, a pixie, has manuevered in close to him, just in case flanking is required. He hears the pixie flying, and swings his sword - not like a combat swing, but like one might swat at a fly. My guy pounces on him in reaction to him making sudden movements and through a number of good rolls, he had to bring in a new character.


----------



## hornedturtle

We were in this flying complex and all of the characters had their memories wiped at the very beginning.  Well it turned out that half of the characters had been sent there to capture the leader of the "resistance".  My character had mostly figured out that he and another character were in opposition (the other character was telling people things off to the side but not my character).  The other guy still had his memories.  In the very last session of the game, when it became apparent i don't trust him, he charm's my character with his bardic abilities.  So that later in the day when the group leaves the complex and regains their memories i am still charmed into helping him fight my previous boss and overthrowing the empire.  Then the bard uses his abilities to mentally enslave the entire nation.  and he wasn't even the leader.

I mean sure my boss was committing genocide but at least you could choose death instead.


----------



## Lalalei2001

There was a greedy, stupid dwarf in our party who wished for a mountain of solid gold. It was only luck (and a contingency spell that teleported me to a safe location whenever a wish was used within 20 feet of me) that my wizard survived. 

The whole party and a nearby villiage was totally flattened. It took me a week to return to the site of the mountain and by the time I got there, there were already over 10 dwarven clans duking it out over the mountain.

In the end there was a "world war" over the mountain as it represented the sum of all the gold, everywhere. 

That campaign actually ended with the destruction of all life on the planet. I tell you, magic is WAY worse than nukes!


----------



## sukael

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> There was a greedy, stupid dwarf in our party who wished for a mountain of solid gold. It was only luck (and a contingency spell that teleported me to a safe location whenever a wish was used within 20 feet of me) that my wizard survived.
> 
> The whole party and a nearby villiage was totally flattened. It took me a week to return to the site of the mountain and by the time I got there, there were already over 10 dwarven clans duking it out over the mountain.
> 
> In the end there was a "world war" over the mountain as it represented the sum of all the gold, everywhere.
> 
> That campaign actually ended with the destruction of all life on the planet. I tell you, magic is WAY worse than nukes!






			
				hornedturtle said:
			
		

> We were in this flying complex and all of the characters had their memories wiped at the very beginning.  Well it turned out that half of the characters had been sent there to capture the leader of the "resistance".  My character had mostly figured out that he and another character were in opposition (the other character was telling people things off to the side but not my character).  The other guy still had his memories.  In the very last session of the game, when it became apparent i don't trust him, he charm's my character with his bardic abilities.  So that later in the day when the group leaves the complex and regains their memories i am still charmed into helping him fight my previous boss and overthrowing the empire.  Then the bard uses his abilities to mentally enslave the entire nation.  and he wasn't even the leader.
> 
> I mean sure my boss was committing genocide but at least you could choose death instead.




These both sound to me more like cruel (and/or, in the second case, rule-breaking) DMs than stupid players.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Well this is a stupid DM thread now, too ^_^


----------



## Lalalei2001

So that means stories of DMs who don't know the rules are welcome


----------



## B4cchus

I was running a one shot adventure with a large group. The game was rather high powered with a high mortality rate. I set up a small puzzle in a room. The group found a number of chains hanging from the ceiling. Underneath each chain was a pedestal with a plaque that read a short clue.
The trick that they had to pull the chain in the correct order to open the door and continue onward.
The group solved the puzzle without much dificulty and there was one chain left unpulled. The plaque read "Never pull this chain". 
I knew that at least one of the guys could not restrain his curiosity and, as I predicted, he stated that he wanted to pull the chain. The rest of the group (save one other guy) left the room. 
He pulled the chain.
A wail of the banshee fileld the room.
The guy who pulled the chain made his save.
The other guy didn't.


----------



## Lalalei2001

^ That sucks for the guy that didn't pull it.


----------



## Deepfire

there should be more incidents in 24 years of gaming, but I just remember two really stupid ...   

1. A really OLD story, it happened, when MERP was new, a friend of mine and me played a dwarf and an elf - Krischan, worldst-best-GM, gmed us (Krischan, mail mich mal an, versuche schon lange dich zu kontaktieren!).
We found some magic rings, which were "ONE WAY ONLY" - so we couldn't take them off after wearing them. We (Players) were young and extremely inexperienced in rpging - so we just used them without thinking any further. Of course, the dwarf (benni, the fighter) got the ones ideal for wizards but bad for fighters, the elf (me, the wizard) got garbage. (Don't remember any details, my long-time memory is quite bad). The dwarf got rescued by the elf some sessions ago, so he would do anything to help his long-eared friend. So we decided in our brightness to "remove" two fingers of the dwarf and "re-fit" them with a magic potion. It - of course - didn't work. Well part of it worked, thou (the part "remove two fingers" with an axe).

2. just a few years ago: GURPS fantasy, the tredroy adventure. Two wanna-be-thieves (a good friend and my girl) were entering the tower of a dead necromancer. The tower had a walled garden, this wall had a nice, large iron door with a huge lock. Both thiefs stood before the wall/door and thought about, how to enter the garden. After a longer discussion, they climbed over it near a tree with lots of problems (both had very low strength values) and experienced a nasty glass-covered top-of-the-wall. 
Some cuts later they were in the garden.
>snip adventure<
The Thieves found the corpse of the dead Necromancer and decided to take it to their patron as an evidence for fulfilling their job. So, they crossed the garden, discussed longer how to cross the wall (their was a bustling city out of the garden), put the corpse in a large carpet and climbed the wall again, this time with a heavy corpse (and their still low strength value ...). Sweating and swearing they reached the other side, rested with their backs to the wall, took a deep breath and marched away with the carpet/corpse to the end of the adventure. We ended the evening, emptied our wine-bottles, said goodbye, and than I said to both of them "by the way, the door in the wall was not locked"   


my english is a bit rusted, so please ignore any errors.


----------



## moritheil

prospero63 said:
			
		

> I believe one of the stupider is shortly forthcoming.
> 
> New player is brining in a necromancer... into a party who one of the party leaders is a cleric of Pelor... It's going to make for an interesting session. I wonder what his backup character is...




This actually worked out just fine in my campaign.  The VoP paladin/cleric of Pelor spent a lot of time trying to talk the character back into the light and making it absolutely clear that she would pack up and leave if any corpses were animated.  (After putting said corpses to rest.)


----------



## Lalalei2001

Our party was deep in a dungeon, and we came to this dead end room at the bottom of a 20' deep shaft. It had braziers in the corners at the bottom of the shaft, and an ornate carpet on the bottom of the shaft.

One panel on the wall of the shaft was covered in an intricate pattern etched into the rocks. Our party did EVERYTHING we could think of. Moved the braziers, moved the carpet, our mage cast knock spells. We were stymied. 

Couldnt figure it out. This went on for what seemed like forever (In reality it was the best part of a five hour long Saturday RP session). At one point, we even burned the carpet, and used the ashes to trace out the patters on the wall ointo the floor where the carpet had been. 

Finally, in total exasperation, our DM had another player who had gone back to scout out for posssible secret doors 'come across' another one of the carpets. 

As we unrolled it, the DM 'accidentally' let slip that the pattern on the carpet was identical to the one on the wall, and that the two rings (that we missed totally) on the wall sort of matched the holes in one end of the carpet. Hang the carpet on the provided hooks, cast a knock, and BOOM, the passage opened.

DUH.

We all felt rather stupid for that one.


----------



## prospero63

moritheil said:
			
		

> This actually worked out just fine in my campaign.  The VoP paladin/cleric of Pelor spent a lot of time trying to talk the character back into the light and making it absolutely clear that she would pack up and leave if any corpses were animated.  (After putting said corpses to rest.)




Yeah, I allowed it because I saw the potential to have some good role playing, and it gave me an easy way to get the players some background info on where they are (RttToEE). Unfortunately, this is what actually transpired (to the best of my recollection)...

Necromancer and the party meet, a bit contentious, but they agree to travel together for the time being. No one knows the guy is a necromancer. They know he is some kind of spell caster who used to be in cahoots with the bad guys, but he got betrayed and "saw the light". Party accepted him under the old, an enemy of my enemy... 

The first real encounter is in an old haunted dwarven forge. The party never quite figures out that they are dealing with undead initially. They thought invisible caster with TK, some kind of mind effecting caster running around throwing compulsions left and right, etc. The forge spirit can control weapons and is decimating the party while the barbarian's weapon is being compelled by the spirit to do some serious damage to himself. The priest of pelor asks if he wants him to be held because he's going to kill himself at this rate. He agrees, priest holds him. The important lesson in spell casting etiquette is of course to ask before casting spells on your party members if they could be harmful.  Weapons are still flying around and attacking. No one has figured out the source. Suddenly two undead owlbears show up in the middle of the party. Immediately the priest of pelor blasts them out of existence. The new necromancer says "hey, if you don't want any of my help, fine". In the middle of combat, so it wasn't a great time to settle the issue. They decide to press on into the next room hoping that once they leave the first room the attack will cease. Necro charges in, rest of the party follows suit, cleric drops the hold (barbarian was never going to make the save). Barbarian heads in. Shortly, the barbarian is once again compelled to harm himself. Necromancer decides that to help out, he will cast ray of enfeeblement. So to recap...

1) New guy has summoned undead into the midst of a good party led (largely) by priest of Pelor. Totally unapologetic about it...
2) Party is fighting what they suspect is some kind of ghost or spirit, but can't quite nail it down
3) In the midst of a substantial battle against unseen enemies, thought to be some kind of undead he blast the barbarian with a ray of enfeeblement - no courtesy "hey do you want this", nothing. Just wham. His response to a "what in the hell are you doing" was "hey, I'm just trying to help"

So, the warmage that has been hanging out with no targets makes a move and says "do I have a clean angle" (he has a rep for hitting other party members accidentally). With that, he blasts the crap out of the necromancer. The barbarian then does a leap attack on him and finishes the job. About that time someone figured out with no weapons in hand, you can't attack yourself and the party repeats. 

Eventually they do some research (and use some sendings) to figure out that it was probably an incororeal undead creature, probably hiding in the solid objects and peeking out to deal with the attacks (which was indeed the case, they just never made a spot check to figure it out). Next time the go back (they had to leave a magic weapon behind... oh, and a necromancer... hehe) the fight should go much easier as the cleric will basically ready an action for when the spirit exposes itself. Classic case of an encounter being way more difficult than it should have been because they just had no idea what to do...

The sorcerer got extra XP for that session as he tends to be quick on the trigger and I had actually expected him to blast the guy much sooner... 

Fun times... Now the guy is playing a monk with a VOP... we will see if that goes over better...


----------



## moritheil

prospero63 said:
			
		

> 1) New guy has summoned undead into the midst of a good party led (largely) by priest of Pelor. Totally unapologetic about it...
> 2) Party is fighting what they suspect is some kind of ghost or spirit, but can't quite nail it down
> 3) In the midst of a substantial battle against unseen enemies, thought to be some kind of undead he blast the barbarian with a ray of enfeeblement - no courtesy "hey do you want this", nothing. Just wham. His response to a "what in the hell are you doing" was "hey, I'm just trying to help"
> 
> So, the warmage that has been hanging out with no targets makes a move and says "do I have a clean angle" (he has a rep for hitting other party members accidentally). With that, he blasts the crap out of the necromancer. The barbarian then does a leap attack on him and finishes the job. About that time someone figured out with no weapons in hand, you can't attack yourself and the party repeats.
> 
> Fun times... Now the guy is playing a monk with a VOP... we will see if that goes over better...




That doesn't appear to have been a very intelligent necromancer.     I'd say the party gave him the benefit of the doubt.


----------



## Lalalei2001

I wonder if that monk fared any better. I'm guessing not.


----------



## prospero63

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> I wonder if that monk fared any better. I'm guessing not.




The monk missed the last session. Verdict is still out.   

Same player, Friday game though... his psywarrior's body is currently being dragged by the party dire wolverine... some horrible dice rolling combined with suspect tactics...


----------



## Evilhalfling

Low level party, fighting a Stag Beetle. 
3 of 4 characters are very wary of the beetle's Horns knowing that one hit will put someone down. They snipe and duck behind trees to avoid charges, basically wolf-packing it.  The 4th player moves into melee, but can't hurt it. The beetle tramples him on the way to one of the snipers.  A round or 2 later the beetle retreats into its lair, badly wounded. The rest of the party begins discussing smoking it out, or at least getting some light.  The wounded PC (with darkvision) rushes into the hole.  

The other players exchange glances "We wait for the screaming to end and start gathering dry wood". One 16 hp hit later, the screaming ends.  Later the body was pulled of the beetles horns and burned on the pyre. 

The player went through 3 other charaters before the campaign ended.


----------



## Evilhalfling

Some details of my current characters stupidity: 
After the rogue disarms a trap "Oh hey are will still immune to poison? I lick the needle" 
we weren't. I took 3 wisdom damage.   

we had a map with 3 marked pits. 
After finding out that we had a spool of rope we were using to cross the first pit did not get smaller, I exuberently grabbed the spool and went running down the hallway.  I was carrying the parties only light.  The next pit was closer than it appeared on the map. As I fell in I managed to drop the spool and grab the rope, keeping myself from hitting bottom.  The cleric, still tied to the other end of the rope, was jerked off his feat and into the first pit. 

The 3 pits were only 5' wide and we knew they were there.  Even after casting spider climb, four characters fell in them.

While exploring the sample dungeon in the DMG - "I rearrange the sacks to make a nest for my familiar" (a penguin)  DM "okay that releases a cloud of yellow mold spores"  my familar has 4 hd and 6 hp, as well as an even CON -Con damage sucks!


----------



## shilsen

Evilhalfling said:
			
		

> Some details of my current characters stupidity:
> After the rogue disarms a trap "Oh hey are will still immune to poison? I lick the needle"
> we weren't. I took 3 wisdom damage.




Creatures with no wisdom are immune to Wis damage


----------



## Panthanas

...using a ring with one wish to wish a vampire and all of his minions dead....


----------



## jdrakeh

Oh. _God_. . . 

*Star Wars D6 Expanded Universe with Homebrew Imbellishment*

This was actually one of the best (and long-lasting) RPG campaigns that I played, largely becaue of the homebrewed elements and the GM's happy and free approach to bringing the AWESOME at every game session. Basically, if you could create a balanced build for something using the basic D6 rules from Star Wars (2nd Edition), you could play it. So. . . 

We had a cyborg bounty hunter, a Vampire (yeah, White Wolf-style), an Immortal (yeah, Highlander-style), a failed Jedi, and a bounty hunter with a symbiotic power suit (yeh, Venom-style). Crazy right? Well, in point of fact, it was crazy _fun_! Except for thwe guy who played the Vampire. . . 

Instead of doing stuff _with_ the group, the guy who played the Vamp was always about trying to prove his physical/mental/social dominance to others. Always. In fact, the Vamp was just the latest in a long line of "I've got something to prove!" characters. You'll see why in just a moment 

Anyhow, we're on Tatooine (the GM trying to lead into the Tatooine Manhunt module) and while the rest of the party is gearing up, the Vamp gets side-tracked trying to prove his physical superiority to an NPC super-soldier who was briefly travelling in tow. So, how does he do this? He _dares the NPC to stab him_. 

In the chest. 

Right through the heart. 

No, if you'll recall, I said that out GM has a 'if you can build it balanced, you can play it' thing going on. Well, part of the balance in the Vamp's case was Torpor per White Wolf. If a Vamp gets stabbed in the heart, it interrupts the blood flow, paralyzing them until said blood flow is restored. And the player _knows_ this. In fact, he wrote our house rules for it. 

So, here he is, Vamp the Mighty, telling this super soldier to _stab him in the heart_ with a combat knife. Everybody except for the player obviously sees the danger in this. . . but we're off buying equipment. So our characters can't really say anything. The GM, being a generally merciful sort asks, as the NPC, _three times_. . . 

"Are you _sure_ you want me to stab you there?" 

And, three time, Vamp the Mighty says "Do it! I bet you're not man enough!". So the GM shrugs, says "Okay" and picks up a handful dice to roll damage (no need to roll a 'to hit' on an immobile target, per our house rules). And, just as the dice, are hitting the table, the player of Vamp the Mighty suddenly realizes what is going on. 

'Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" 

I swear, it was like the cry of a man who had just been told that his first born child died. And the look on his face. I still get all giggly when I picture it in my mind's eyes


----------



## Slife

Panthanas said:
			
		

> ...using a ring with one wish to wish a vampire and all of his minions dead....



How is this stupid?


----------



## sukael

Slife said:
			
		

> How is this stupid?




Well, given that a vampire is _already_ dead...


----------



## Slife

sukael said:
			
		

> Well, given that a vampire is _already_ dead...



I thought they were un-dead.  "un" as in not.


----------



## sukael

Slife said:
			
		

> I thought they were un-dead.  "un" as in not.




Yes, but wishing a vampire dead isn't going to do anything, given that undead are destroyed at 0 hp. They never actually "die".


----------



## shilsen

sukael said:
			
		

> Yes, but wishing a vampire dead isn't going to do anything, given that undead are destroyed at 0 hp. They never actually "die".



 Semantics. 

But then again I've never been one of those DMs who figure that when someone uses a Wish they must focus on the minutiae of his wording and screw him by hook or crook. When someone's using a 9th lvl spell, and in this case one in a very valuable item, I'm damned if I'd screw him because the player's wording wasn't the most precise. And none of my DMs would either, which is why I game with them.


----------



## sukael

shilsen said:
			
		

> But then again I've never been one of those DMs who figure that when someone uses a Wish they must focus on the minutiae of his wording and screw him by hook or crook. When someone's using a 9th lvl spell, and in this case one in a very valuable item, I'm damned if I'd screw him because the player's wording wasn't the most precise. And none of my DMs would either, which is why I game with them.




I'm not that mean as a DM - I'd give a "are you sure about that wording?" warning first, at least - but it still seems pretty funny to me.


----------



## Slife

sukael said:
			
		

> Yes, but wishing a vampire dead isn't going to do anything, given that undead are destroyed at 0 hp. They never actually "die".



Take it up with the people who named "Undeath to Death"


Still, since this thread includes dumb DM calls, I guess it counts.


----------



## JoeyD473

shilsen said:
			
		

> Semantics.
> 
> But then again I've never been one of those DMs who figure that when someone uses a Wish they must focus on the minutiae of his wording and screw him by hook or crook. When someone's using a 9th lvl spell, and in this case one in a very valuable item, I'm damned if I'd screw him because the player's wording wasn't the most precise. And none of my DMs would either, which is why I game with them.




I've always said that it depends on the wish. In this case I agree, it is stupid to not kill the vampire with the wish spell. But depending on what type of wish they are making I sometimes make the wording count


----------



## Ika

Currently I am playing a campaign with 3 other players (all new to DnD). They were on a ship that travelled during the night and they saw some shadowy figure lurk onto the ship. So they followed him and saw him enter the captains quarters. As they approached and listened they heard the door lock and then a gasp as well as the sound of someone choking. They stood there listening and discussed whether they should knock on the door and ask whose there or leave. 2 decided to leave and 1 stood there listening (meanwhile inside the captain was choked to death and then slashed by an assassin who escaped through the window). When there were no more sounds, the one that stood behind the door knocked it down and entered. The DM told him that he sees blood everywhere and the captain looks dead. Nonetheless, the player still kept checking the captain's pulse, listening whether he's breathing (this is even though the DM told him, that the captain is absolutely pale and has a hole through the heart).


----------



## Ika

To add on to my previous post, the two other characters (a fighter and a wizardess) went onboard the deck. There they saw that the first mate was taking over the ship (as he was the traitor - the DM tried to hint at this several times) and killing the sailors loyal to the captain. This was easily done as he assigned them the shift in the afternoon and all were sleeping at that moment. THe 2 players saw them being killed, but nonetheless stood there. The fighter finally attacked the first mate, but was outnumbered as sailors loyal to him came to help. Meanwhile, the monk (the 3 player was checking on the dead captain) and the wizardess, stood there silent with a torch. Finally, the monk came out of the captain's cabin (after being explicitly told by the DM that the captain is dead) to help the fighter. They won, but just barely. They managed to save 2 sailors.
But to be nice, they got much better by now, although the monk still has some "interesting" ideas on how to solve crisis situations.


----------



## Lalalei2001

This one guy, we felt so bad for him. To this day we're not sure if he really was stupid, or just not getting it. 

Scenario: He's a halfling thief, and the party has just come into possession of a Deck of Many Things. He drew lucky and got Keep, which means he unexpectedly inherits land holdings from some unknown relative that has just died. 

He also has a second level thief henchman, from another lucky draw, which is VERY lucky. He inherited some halfling uncle's brewery and lands. His mother tells him he got the brewery by stealing the funds for it, and he was a very successful thief in his day. Thus begins the Trial of the Incompetent Halfling. *sigh*

 He goes to the bedroom. Of course, all the other players, who know me well, are thinking "Ooooh, halfling thief keep, lots of good junk squirrelled away!!!" What does this guy do? Drinks a bunch of the beer and goes to bed.

I graciously allow one of the other players to give him a nudge in the right direction, although all of the other characters are at other places. He finally decides to start searching, and lo and behold, finds a secret door in the bedroom. 

He goes down the short flight of stairs and finds a small stone room, ten by ten, with no apparent doors. He leaves, goes and drinks more beer, and goes back to bed, thinking that the room had been cleared out prior to his uncle's death. 

The other amused players, once again, gently steer him in the right direction. So the next day he toddles down the stairs, and lo and behold again, finds another secret door. I, thinking he's going to check for traps, don't bother placing any.

He doesn't, he just opens the door and steps in. 

I begin to realize that this guy needs to figure out what being a thief is all about...much less a halfling thief. Inside the room (another square stone room, 10x10) there is a single shelf jutting from the wall, with a small ivory box, and two urns on the floor beneath it. 

He cavalierly walks across the room and checks out the urns. One is sealed with wax, the other is simply stoppered. He unstoppers it. Inside he finds dust. 

Him: Dust? That's dumb. I dump it out. 
Me: You--what? 
Him: I dump it out. 

The other players are horrified.

Sure enough, he dumps it out and he and his henchman promptly fail their saving throws as it is Dust of Choking and Sneezing. His henchman recovers first and drags him from the room. He recovers, chuckles at himself, and proceeds to stride right back into the room.

His henchmen ends up covering his nose and mouth with a kerchief and rescues him again, as his footfalls stir up the dust once more. FINALLY getting this particular hint, he and his henchman very carefully reenter the room. 

I ask him what he's going to do. 

Me: You have one more urn that is sealed with wax, and the box on the shelf. The shelf seems to be sticking out of the wall itself, not affixed there or attached to it in some way (hint, hint). 
Him: I pick up the box. 

The other players groan in unison.

*Kathunk!* A spear shoots out of the wall on what is belly height for a halfling and skewers him. He passes out, but does not die. When he comes round, he sees his predicament. The spear is in fact, affixed firmly in the wall, holding him up quite nicely. 

Me: What do you do? 
Him: I slide off backwards. 
Me: You take an additional 1d4 points of damage as the barbed head penetrates your back, and you pass out again. 

He comes around again. 

Me: What do you do? 
Him: I draw my short sword and begin whacking at the pole of the spear in front of me. 

I exchange glances with everyone else at the table, but must do the proper thing, as it is not a magical sword... 

Me: You take additional 1d4 blunt damage from the violent movement of the spearshaft. You pass out. 

The other players, by this time, are gnawing on furniture. Comes around again. I finally let the other players help out. "HAVE YOUR HENCHMAN REMOVE THE BARB AND HELP YOU OFF!!!" He does so, makes it back upstairs, and gets patched up. 

There is no local cleric (in most of my games, clerics are very rare), but he is in no danger of dying as they have a very good hedge doctor at the keep. He wakes up the next day, half stats, etc. I describe the extent of his disability, his agony, and so on.

Me: What are you going to do. (I'm thinking he'll send a messenger for another PC to help him out, as they do actually have a cleric in the party, but he's currently at his temple in the city some distance away.) 

Him: I order a big steak and beer breakfast. 
Me: *gape* You just sustained a massive abdominal injury. You were on the verge of death, and you're weak and ill. You what? 
Him: I order a big steak and beer breakfast. 
Me: You sustain 1d4 damage from convulsive vomiting. 

FINALLY he heals up and heads back down into the vault. The box is on the floor. He CHECKS FOR TRAPS! YAY! and disarms the ones that are there, and opens it. Inside are four vials of clear liquid in velvet (turns out to be holy water, but that's a different tangent to the story). 

Then he checks out the remaining urn. No runes in the wax, just plain red wax on an ivory bottle. He simply breaks the seal and looks inside. He sees liquid of some sort. He carefully pours some into his hand. 

At this point, I didn't have the heart to make it the incredibly nasty poison (which was supposed to be a boon to his party later on) it was supposed to be, and instead made it a Potion of Stench. He figured it out when his henchman started puking.

I thought my other players were going to pop, they wanted to jump in so badly.


----------



## Roman

Ika said:
			
		

> Currently I am playing a campaign with 3 other players (all new to DnD). They were on a ship that travelled during the night and they saw some shadowy figure lurk onto the ship. So they followed him and saw him enter the captains quarters. As they approached and listened they heard the door lock and then a gasp as well as the sound of someone choking. They stood there listening and discussed whether they should knock on the door and ask whose there or leave. 2 decided to leave and 1 stood there listening (meanwhile inside the captain was choked to death and then slashed by an assassin who escaped through the window). When there were no more sounds, the one that stood behind the door knocked it down and entered. The DM told him that he sees blood everywhere and the captain looks dead. Nonetheless, the player still kept checking the captain's pulse, listening whether he's breathing (this is even though the DM told him, that the captain is absolutely pale and has a hole through the heart).
> 
> To add on to my previous post, the two other characters (a fighter and a wizardess) went onboard the deck. There they saw that the first mate was taking over the ship (as he was the traitor - the DM tried to hint at this several times) and killing the sailors loyal to the captain. This was easily done as he assigned them the shift in the afternoon and all were sleeping at that moment. THe 2 players saw them being killed, but nonetheless stood there. The fighter finally attacked the first mate, but was outnumbered as sailors loyal to him came to help. Meanwhile, the monk (the 3 player was checking on the dead captain) and the wizardess, stood there silent with a torch. Finally, the monk came out of the captain's cabin (after being explicitly told by the DM that the captain is dead) to help the fighter. They won, but just barely. They managed to save 2 sailors.
> But to be nice, they got much better by now, although the monk still has some "interesting" ideas on how to solve crisis situations.




He, he... yes, I remember that one! It was actually even worse than you describe - apart from the monk's player, the players were not new to D&D at all, they were merely new to the 3.X edition, which leaves them with fewer excuses. There were several other factors at play too, which made it even sillier than it sounds from the above. As you say they have improved a lot by now, but just yesterday I recall hearing the player of the wizardess boast about how useful she was during the combat on the ship!


----------



## Lalalei2001

I'm temporarily interrupting the thread to say Rest In Peace, E. Gary Gygax. Without you, DnD and this catalogue of stupid DnD players wouldn't exist.

RIP.


----------



## Lalalei2001

I tend to be a very tactical D and D player, and only very rarely do I make mistakes. That said, though, occasionally I don't pay enough attention, and this COLOSSAL show of idiocy during a low-level campaign keeps my friends wary of me to date:

My Scout: Do I see anything? I roll a Spot check. *rolls*
DM: You see a faint shimmering in the dark passage.
PC Barbarian: I head toward it.

DM: The shimmering is really a system of webs all along the passage! Make an Escape Artist check to avoid being entangled and unable to move!
PC Barbarian: *rolls* Crap.
PC Ninja: I head to his aid!
DM: Roll a Spot check as you run.
PC Ninja: *rolls* Wait, what?

DM: You see a family of giant spiders, climbing down the intricate webs to your struggling companion! To make it to him, roll an Escape Artist check.
PC Barbarian: You're a ninja, man. You screw this up and I'll smish you.
PC Ninja: *rolls* ONE! Crap!
PC Barbarian: If I could move now I WOULD smash you.
My Scout: Dude! The Spiders! Spiders!
NPC Spider1: Hssss! *rolls*

PC Barbarian: 3+1 damage! Ow!
NPC Spider2: Shraaaaa! *rolls*
PC Barbarian: 4+1 damage! Oooh!
NPC Spider3: Scree! *rolls*
PC Barbarian: 1+1 damage! Gwah!
My Scout (looking above Barbarian): Oh man oh man oh man oh-

Large-size Spider: HREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! *rolls*
PC Barbarian: 7+4 damage! OW! You didn't say that one was BIG!
DM: Blame that on the ninja not asking me.
PC Ninja: Oh, come on-

My Scout (grinning): Wait! Don't worry guys! I just had a great idea! I can get 'em by setting fire to the web! *readies torch*
PC Barbarian: Wait...won't...not...um...! GAH!
PC Ninja: NOOO! NO NO NO WE CAN'T MOVE YOU IDIOT-
My Scout: What? What??? *has already lowered torch*
DM: Oh...dear.

FHLAAAAAWSHWOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Three Smaller Spiders: Skraaah! 5 damage! Schreeekle! 4 damage! *drops* *drops* *drops*

Big Spider: MRIEEE 5 damage! EEEEE 6 damage! EEEEEE 5 damage! EEEEEEEEE 2 damage! EEEEE *falls from ceiling* EERRRRG! 6 falling damage! *drops*

PC Barbarian: Ow. 6 damage! Ow. 3 damage! I'd better- 4 damage! die- 2 damage! soon- *drops, skin literally torched black*
My Scout (at a loss for words): eep.

PC Ninja: You- 5 damage! Scout I- 1 damage! hate you so- 1 damage! mu- 3 damage! *crumples, smoldering, to his knees at -1 hp*
PC Ninja (lapsing into unconciousness): .....mmmuhhhhh....... *eyes loll back into head*
PC Ninja: ......shhhoooooowwww.......
PC Ninja:...........MUCH! *drops*



*Silence*



DM (Clapping Sarcastically): Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. You gonna loot your friends or just leave them there?
My Scout (Mouth wide open): ....guuuuhhhh....uhhhh.... *twitches*
My Scout: ........
My Scout: ...um...
My Scout: .....
My Scout: .....heh...huhm......oopsie?....
My Scout: .............................
My Scout: ...um...hehehe-about th-th-that-um-s-sorry!...
My Scout: .................................................. ...
My Scout: ...... *checks ninja's pockets*


----------



## JoeyD473

Sounds like something  would do


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## Ipissimus

I've got a few, one fairly long and involved. I'm DMing in all sessions.

1. Things are getting rough for the party. They're low-level (3rd or 4th) and the skeleton horde they've picked a fight with is mixing it up, trying to surround the fighters and get at the Wizard in the back rank. Getting worried and unsure what to do (and, I assume, afraid of using his dagger and leery of wasting magic), the Wizard utters the deathless phrase: "I use my snake familiar as a whip." Naturally I ask why and get the answer: "It can bite and poison them." So I point out that his snake is a constrictor (like he specifically asked for at the beginning of the campaign) and patiently explain that constrictors aren't venomous. Cursing his 'misfortune', he then 'realizes' that this is "better because the snake can entangle".

So, trying to be the merciful god that DMs are supposed to be, I pointedly ask him "Is he sure?" He says yes. The other, more experienced, players then try to talk him out of it. They fail. In a last ditch attempt, I have the snake try to bite the Wizard to indicate his displeasure at being manhandled by the tail, dealing one point of damage. Still not taking the hints, the Wizard continues to, literally, "Swing it (the snake) around my head and flick it at the skeleton." Of course I ruled that the rough treatment snapped the snake's spine, killing it instantly. And, naturally, no other familiar would ever sign on with him after that.

Same Wizard got punched in the face (in game, not RL) when he tried to shoot a Melf's Acid Arrow through the party's fighter and failed the attack roll, hitting the fighter instead.

Edit: I didn't mention he dealt more damage to the fighter than the low-level mooks he'd been fighting managed to do in the entire battle.


2. Descending into the second level of the Gygaxian 3E adventure 'Maure Castle' from Dungeon Magazine after encountering several severly nasty traps, the Cleric offers words of wisdom: "Before we do ANYTHING down here, we have to check for traps." Five minutes and one fight later, he says: "I rip down the tapestries and stick them in my Bag of Holding." An experienced player who should know better, particularly after his declaration not minutes before, I give him a hint asking him the pointedly "Are you sure?" question. Nudge-nudge, wink-wink, know what I mean. He's oblivious to my warning, so the party Rogue comes to his rescue and I let him. "Don't you want me to check for traps first?" The answer: "They're just tapestries, what could go wrong?" The irony being that the Cleric was, luckily, the only character that didn't fail the save or die effect that was unleashed. I say luckily because he was the only character capable of resurrection at the time.


3. In a different campaign, the Barbarian wanted to take the leadership feat so that he could have an army to battle against the BBEG since a war was looming. As luck would have it, this co-incided with a subplot that had the BBEG negotiating with the northern barbarian tribes to side with him in the upcoming battle. So the party sets out to the town of the barbarian High King in order to present a counter-proposeal, gaining a new ally while denying one to the enemy. The town is two week's travel over harsh wilderness, which they eventually make after a few run-ins with wandering monsters and ambushes sent by the BBEG.

A suitably machiavelian plot later, the PCs expose the High King's brother's collusion with the emmisary of the BBEG to assassinate him and put the more easily controlled brother on the throne. Impressed, and childless, the High King proposes to make the Barbarian PC his heir, thus gaining him his leadership feat and a base of operations (such as it is being a long way from anywhere). To do so, however, the PC must become blood brothers with the monarch.

Informed that he must supply his own ritual dagger in order to perform the ritual, the Barbarian selects what he considers to be the best one he owns for the task: a minor artifact Dagger of Wounding he looted from the corpse of an assassin previously in the campaign. The dagger was only slightly more powerful than usual, requiring a remove curse to be performed before the bleeding could be staunched.

In full knowledge of this, the Barbarian proceeds with the ritual, cutting his own palm and bleeding very impressively for the yokels. Naturally, the bleeding doesn't stop and he asks the Cleric to perform a remove curse.

The train wreck naturally occurs when the Cleric informs him that he hasn't memorized it for the day. After feverish searching through equipment lists, it's discovered that no-one has a scroll of remove curse either. Asking the High King with no small ammount of embarassment, it's learned that the local priests simply aren't high enough level to cast remove curse at all.

Usually you lose 1hp/round from a sword of wounding, but I take pity on the Barbarian and rule that by staunching the flow, they can reduce this to 1hp/minute. So all the Barbarian has to do is survive the 9 hours for the Cleric to sleep and pray for his spells. Out comes all the healing potions as the Barbarian quaffs every single one available (borrowing some off the High King as well) in order to stave off his demise. Despite the attempt, he dies 3 minutes before the Cleric can cast remove curse on him.

This isn't as bad as it seems, since the party had invested (at great expense) in a scroll of Raise Dead which they eventually agreed to use on him. The Barbarian then almost gave the rest of the party a collective corronary when he said that his character was unwilling to come back to life due to embarassment. Fortunatly, they talked him out of it. Unfortunately, he lost the level, taking him down to 5th and thus inelegable for the Leadership feat.

Being merciful, I allowed him to take it at the next level once his 'heroic deeds convinced the High King that he was indeed not as stupid as he acted.'


----------



## Lalalei2001

I was DMing for the third time, and I had the PCs clearing out a fairly decently sized goblin tribe. All of the PCs were 12th level, and the fighter was bored because hey, they're just goblins. This is the kind of player who unless he has a serious challenge, he blows the rest of the game off. He learned a lesson that day.

I had just been hinting at the fact that this goblin looked a bit beefier than the rest of the 30 or so that were on our huge fight scene, and the fighter had just cleaved his way to the big one.

Fighter: Ok, my turn, right? I'm going to moon the goblin.
Me (flabbergasted): Um...okay, which one?
Fighter: *points* That one.
Me: Ok, that'll provoke an attack of opportunity from all 3 of the goblins around you.
Fighter: I know, they're just goblins, I'm not worried.

I should interject to tell you the two things that the Fighter didn't know.
1: The big goblin had 10 levels in fighter.
2: The big goblin had taken the entire featline for weapon focus, specialization, and whatnot with the longsword, and he had one. a +2 Flaming Burst Longsword, to be accurate.

Me: Okay, here's the attack of opportunity for the slightly bigger goblin. *Natural 20* *Confirms*

I love this part.

Fighter: What?! How much damage is it?
Me: I don't think it's quite as important as how much damage at the moment; I think the more prudent question is exactly where that sword is going to go. And that it bursts into flame right before it does.
Fighter: "YEARGH!!"

The goblin dropped that guy to -4 from almost full HP as a level 12 fighter. Ahh, sweet bliss. He learned the hard way that in a medieval setting, there is no Preparation H. Hurtins' in the hind quarters do nothing but burn, sting, itch, and build character.


----------



## Olaf the Stout

This one is from last session.  I described a cupboard in the dungeon as pretty rickety, like it was barely staying upright.  The Favoured Soul in the party decides to give it a shove.

Predictably the cupboard topples over from his shove.  He fails the DC 10 Reflex save so the cupboard and the clay crockery within it fall down on top of him, doing 8 points of damage and knocking him out.  Got to love 1st level.  You can knock out PC's with inanimate cupboards!   

Olaf the Stout


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## SomebodyInteresting

In the haunted manor of newly deceased Lord Coldwelle: "Come, friends, and sit at the famed table of House Coldwelle.  You'll find no finer cuisine!"
two of five sit down.  Insert animated chairs, table, and (just for lols) animated silverware and a zombie boar with apple still in mouth, dripping tender rotting flesh and honey glaze.

To the yuan-ti pureblood imitating Duke Alendor, "You are under arrest for the abduction and murder of the Duke Alendor and for the attempted murder of every citizen of this fair land.  You shall not have your ill-begotten war.  Guards, sieze this man!"
*Dispel magic, centered on the impostor duke*
*Duke's appearance remains the same.  Four royal guards morph, twist, and show their true form: yuan-ti purebloods wielding wicked, curved swords oozing with poison*
Not stupid per se, but poorly planned (they could have brought the local paladin order with them, but oh, the hubris of players.)

*under his breath during a campaign governed by a "you say it, you do it" DM*
"That dragon's a tard."
*d20*
"Clayton Bentbranch, you feel a sudden urge to embrace the dragon as though it was your mother."


And for all those willy little mishaps (cursing the god in whose temple you stand, charging headlong four giants WITH CLASS LEVELS, things of that nature) those seven words:
"You're dead.  Roll up a new character."


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## JoeyD473

Snakes don't have spines, but sounds like spmething one of my players would do


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## Ipissimus

CHornJr said:
			
		

> Snakes don't have spines, but sounds like spmething one of my players would do




http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snake_skeleton

Look under 'vertebrae'.


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## Peni Griffin

Snakes are practically nothing but spine and rib, but breaking the spine doesn't kill you.  Depending on the nature of the break (cracked vertebra?  Damage to the all-important nerves the bones of the spine protect?) it incapacitates you in the area around the break or separated from the brain by it.

I would have had the familiar rebel and attack the guy maltreating him, myself.

How big was this snake, anyway?


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## Slife

I would have just said "rule of cool", and let him do it.  After all, it's not overpowered, and if it became a specialty (share spells on the familiar to deliver touch attacks), it could be nifty.

Besides, it is a *magic* snake, so it's possible to handwave the issue.


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## Ipissimus

The snake was small, breaking your neck will actually kill you and mistreating your pets is NOT cool. Double that if your pet is sentient.

If he'd just thrown the snake at the dude, I'd accept that, I even gave him the option. If he'd come to me and said 'hey, I'd like to make it so that my familiar could be used like a whip', I'd have worked something out with him (like a cross between the drow snake-whips, a staff of the serpent and a familiar) and that'd have been cool. But his little stunt broke the suspension of disbelief of everyone at the table.

Maybe if we'd have been playing a more monte haul/action comedy style game. If we'd have been playing Feng Shui I'd not just let him do it, the move would have taken out 16 mooks. But DnD, IMO, works because it has one foot in the ground, even if the other six are anywhere but.


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## GammaPaladin

I would have just either said the snake was injured and had to be nursed back to health, or, more likely, "The moment the thought enters your mind, the snake slithers away from you, leaving you to fend for yourself."

Empathic link can be a ****


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## Ipissimus

True, GammaPaladin, true.

I'm not sure if it'd been better, my players are the type that like to be able to try something stupid and fail over being told a flat-out no. It gives them the illusion that they are in control.  If the player came back and begged me for another familiar, I probably would've relented but he didn't.

On the other hand, the line between stupidity and genius is a very thin margin. The number of crackpot schemes they've come up with that actually worked...


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## Peni Griffin

Christopher Reeve's neck was broken.  He was paralyzed from the injury down, but eventually died of neglect (An infected bedsore?!  I will never understand why his family didn't sue the staff that let that happen!), not the injury directly.

It is possible to die of a broken neck, just not inevitable, and I quite agree that he should not have been allowed to profit from this callous disregard of his familiar's well-being.   I'm having a real problem picking a stage of a constrictor's life at which this would even be a tempting option, as constrictors are relatively bulky as snakes go  by the time they get long enough to use as a whip.  

I would encourage a person with a familiar to bone up on the base animal's abilities and use them appropriately.  That's the most fun thing about familiars!


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## pallandrome

A broken neck is not neccisarily lethal, but it certainly can be. If enough nerves in the spinal column are severed, there are none left to tell the lungs or heart to function.


That said, my own tale of rampant stupidity I can only blame upon it being my first roleplaying game. This was White Wolf Werewolf, and being a first-timer, I decided to play a combat monster, of course. I had huge size, I giant silver warhammer, the works. It wasn't long before we get to the old haunted house we were supposed to explore. The old, rickety, rotten, WOODEN haunted house. Sure enough, true to form, the moment the first spirit appears, I transform into a 12 foot tall, half-ton, slavering monster, and swing my silver hammer like I'm babe frikkin ruth.

But I'm not Babe Ruth. I'm a giant wrecking ball, hammering it's way through a support column (botched roll) in the second floor of a rickity mansion that we were supposed to fix up, not tear down. Now, I am a werewolf, so I can take this kind of punishment. Sadly, my pride was far more gravely wounded.


----------



## Evilhalfling

More Stupidity: 
In having a formal Dinner / negociation with what is a seemingly evil huge Silver Dragon, who has been gratcious, if frighting(6th lvl PCs). A PC asks if she has been allied with white dragons,  more specifically these!  and he pulls out a white dragon skull and plops it on the table.  Shaking with rage she replies "You do not bring the heads of my allies' children to Dinner!"  

We are assured that his fate can be included in the negociations,and that PC is removed.  Then a kobold brings out a Cake, we decide that the cake is drugging the dragon, and one character manages to knock it off the table, my PC offers to help and tries to sleight of hand some cake into a pocket for later study.  (thus attempting an opposed roll +5 in my (CC) skill vs a dragons SPOT. Botching it I leave big stains on my clothes, pockets and hands. 

Slightly later, after what amounts to a uh-uh / uh-huh arrgument with a different PC : the dragon declares  "You all are the worst emissaries ever!"  

After being saved by an NPC who living up to our suspictions, turns out to be another dragon (a canidate for stupid DM tricks) 

We go after the kobolds in the kitchen.  At last a fight 6th lvl characters can win! 
(which we did not really need to fight, the recovered dragon would have driven them off, we just wanted the revenge.)
rnd 1 Paladin charges, misses and is paralized by dc13 posion 
Sorcerer (my character) lighting bolts 4 kobolds, then is also paralized despite draconic feats that bring my paralization save to +8.  
The cleric is still locked up from earlier, leaving the Rogue, and 3 cohorts to finish the battle.  So each player takes over a cohort, but it was a near thing. We survivied the dragon, to nearly fall to a TPK by kobolds.


----------



## Judou Ashita

My PCs are usually quite smart, and I don't really recall anything truly stupid they have done... but a friend of mine has had a few laughs at the expense of her PCs dealing with a red dragon.

Random PC: "Let's set this thing on fire!"

And they ACTUALLY tried to attack the ADULT red dragon with fire-based spells! 

Needless to say, it was a TPK.


----------



## mara

Evilhalfling said:
			
		

> More Stupidity:
> In having a formal Dinner / negociation with what is a seemingly evil huge Silver Dragon, who has been gratcious, if frighting(6th lvl PCs). A PC asks if she has been allied with white dragons,  more specifically these!  and he pulls out a white dragon skull and plops it on the table.  Shaking with rage she replies "You do not bring the heads of my allies' children to Dinner!"
> 
> We are assured that his fate can be included in the negociations,and that PC is removed.  Then a kobold brings out a Cake, we decide that the cake is drugging the dragon, and one character manages to knock it off the table, my PC offers to help and tries to sleight of hand some cake into a pocket for later study.  (thus attempting an opposed roll +5 in my (CC) skill vs a dragons SPOT. Botching it I leave big stains on my clothes, pockets and hands.
> 
> Slightly later, after what amounts to a uh-uh / uh-huh arrgument with a different PC : the dragon declares  "You all are the worst emissaries ever!"




Classic.  It's scenarios like these that make me wary of including "represent your kingdom" as a plot hook.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Evilhalfling said:
			
		

> More Stupidity:
> In having a formal Dinner / negociation with what is a seemingly evil huge Silver Dragon, who has been gratcious, if frighting(6th lvl PCs). A PC asks if she has been allied with white dragons,  more specifically these!  and he pulls out a white dragon skull and plops it on the table.  Shaking with rage she replies "You do not bring the heads of my allies' children to Dinner!"
> 
> We are assured that his fate can be included in the negociations,and that PC is removed.  Then a kobold brings out a Cake, we decide that the cake is drugging the dragon, and one character manages to knock it off the table, my PC offers to help and tries to sleight of hand some cake into a pocket for later study.  (thus attempting an opposed roll +5 in my (CC) skill vs a dragons SPOT. Botching it I leave big stains on my clothes, pockets and hands.
> 
> Slightly later, after what amounts to a uh-uh / uh-huh arrgument with a different PC : the dragon declares  "You all are the worst emissaries ever!"




Oh, wow. That is priceless. The poor embarassed dragon.


----------



## theskyfullofdust

A common blunder I used to do back in the old days of handdrawn maps and mini's, was to lable the maps with the name of the encounter; a classic was when I had painstakingly drawn a tavern, but had the words 'BAR BRAWL encounter' written in plain view for all to see. Kinda took the surprise away from that 

And a common player/character blunder was blasting away with fireballs and lightning bolts in the old editions, when it spread and took out the other player characters.


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## Dannyalcatraz

> And a common player/character blunder was blasting away with fireballs and lightning bolts in the old editions, when it spread and took out the other player characters.




I've done that (    ) but not in the normal way.

I don't remember if I posted it in this thread or not, but back in a 1Ed/2Ed game, we had a high level party going through S3: Expedition to the Barrier Peaks.  In an early encounter with the Police robots, one of my PCs launched a high level delayed blast fireball set at maximum delay...so we could get away, don't ya know.

We didn't realize that the robots moved soemthing like 4X the fastest party member's top speed, and they closed with us within a round, started meleeing us, and then
_
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_

Only a couple of hours into the module, and we were sent home, tails tucked with massive casualties (including at least one dead).


----------



## prospero63

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> I wonder if that monk fared any better. I'm guessing not.




He rushed forward in another combat and was the victim of a custom critical. Managed to get captured by the bad guys and was killed instead of giving the party up. It was actually a pretty balls move on his part.


----------



## Ipissimus

Ok, I've got a stupid thing that a DM has done, not me but one time when I actually got to play in the dim, dark, past.

I was in High School and 2E was the new edition, nice and shiny. Going over to an aquaintance's place for a game, I was disturbed to learn that the DM used the rules for critical hits and weapon speed. I rolled up a ranger, the obligatory cleric, magic-user and rogue were filled by the rest of the group and we played.

It was a standard opening. We were guarding a caravan and, lo and behold, we were attacked by 6 goblins with spears. Ho-hum. Five minutes and two handfuls of natural 20s later and it was a TPK.

I can't say what we thought of that game because too many expletives were involved for this forum but it remains the singular most boring game of DnD I've ever played in my life.


----------



## Lalalei2001

The BBEG of our campaign is a demonblooded (succubus) nymph with a bunch of roguish class levels and with a Wisdom-draining whip. The party ran into her by accident early on in the campaign and has run into her occasionally after that. She's amused by the party and "plays" with them as a sort of fun. Naturally, this has led to all sorts of mental trauma for the PCs.

However, just recently, she got asked to "escort" a promising Ogre Mage for the real BBEG on a pillaging run against the PCs home country. Naturally, the party comes in after the pillagers spend a day attacking a remote village. A Seven Samurai-style adventure ensues, and having defeated the mooks, the party Ranger-type tracks this mob back to their encampment, where the few survivors (incl. the ogre) are frantically packing to get the heck out of dodge.

PC go in and stomp all over the mooks and the ogre, only to come up short when they they hear "honey, what's going on?" in a familiar voice. This time, the nymph isn't taking prisoners, and instead of using her natural weapons, starts lashing out with the whip to drop their Will saves. 

It's a +3 Sadistic Will-Sapping Whip of Spell Storing ("Agony" spell from BoVD). They're getting hit by this thing HARD, and one of them finally fails his Will save against the Will-sapping effect and loses some Wisdom. I tell him that the whip seemed to drain something from his soul and he loses some wisdom, and it feels good.

All other players: "The whip feels good? I stop fighting and get in line!" 
DM: *head hits table*


----------



## theskyfullofdust

Yesterday's session had a few stupid moments (mostly initiated by my character; I was in a mischevious mood).

We were hunting for the secret back entrance to a criminal gang's HQ, and after a few encounters decided to stake out a tavern where we knew they hung out. My ranger was on the rooftops, ready to follow the bad guys to their lair.

Someone came out; I was ready to follow along the rooftops. As he passes me I run across and try to jump over to the next roof (easy jump, DC 10); but with a -1 Jump skill I fell, landed on my arse right next to the man I ws trying to stealthily follow. He ran, and we had to run after him.

It was quite funny at the time, but I guess you had to be there.


----------



## Lalalei2001

I'm currently running a hairless Dwarven Defender (long story) named Jormund at level eight in a low magic campaign. He's Lawful Good. 

The party is mostly evil with a neutral or two. Early in the campaign we entered an inn in a wood and were beseeched to find the innkeeper’s kidnapped daughter. She was kidnapped by a group of large hominids (bugbears, we'd later discover) about two weeks beforehand. 

They left a letter in the field she was captured in saying that 1000 gold needed to be delivered to a specific spot under some rock in the badlands. The party spent 20 or 30 minutes debating what priority the trip was and whether we were prepared enough when my character piped in:

(We haven't played a session in a few weeks and I can't recall the names of the other PCs, so it's just going to be classes, unfortunately.)

Jormund: 50 gold says she's dead.
Gladiator: Why do you say that? It's a ransom.
Jormund: A two week old ransom. One that orders cash to be planted before the girl is delivered.
Gladiator: Well, yeah, but that's awfully shaky grounds to make a bet on.
Jormund: Large demi-humans. A poorly written ransom note.

Rouge/Monk: If you're implying that they're not bright, that seems more the reason they'd think they'd need to keep the girl alive.
Jormund: I'm implying that they're simple. These things have two options: carry, feed and shelter the pretty little elf girl or devour her and still collect a sizable ransom.

Rouge/Monk: Well, that makes sense, but do you really think they'd realize-
Jormund: Stupid and cunning are two different things entirely. They even called the place they kidnapped her, by all accounts a nondescript flowered clearing, "the killing place," for crying out loud.

Innkeeper: Oh god, you think my Elaine is dead?!

Caught me completely off guard. "Wait! We're still in the inn?"

Everyone nods.

"I thought we were out by the wagon checking supplies."

Everyone shakes their heads.

"So I tried to start a dead pool for a man's daughter in front of him?"

Everyone nods.

Jormund: Err... No. I'm sure she's alright... Heh.


----------



## The Green Adam

OK, there was this one time...

Champions campaign, the first adventure - 6 armed gunmen with superhuman strength and speed interrupt a scientist's presentation on his invention of a honest-to-goodness time machine. The heroes, a 6 man team of all the classic icons, *Superstrong Flying Alien, Speedster, Bug-themed Costumed Detective, Cyborg Warmachine, Blind Psionic * and their leader, *Suave Gentleman Mystic*,  defeat most of the gunmen, revealing them to be androids trying to sabotage the device. Just then, one of the gunmen gets to the time machine and reveals the real focus of the plan...he is going to put a bomb in the time machine and send it back to the dawn of the Earth, destroying it before it even forms. So our heroic defenders of all that is good and just stand before the villian as the Mystic says..."Alright men, let's see what he does...". 

GM: Blink. Blink. "Um...he...puts a bomb in the time machine and send it back to the dawn of the Earth, destroying it before it even forms."

Mystic PC: "I see. Ok, gang, be ready for anything."

GM: Blink. Blink. 

Mystic PC: "So what happens?"

GM: "BOOM. The world goes Boom. It goes Boom a really, really, really long time ago. The planet doesn't exist. The campaign is over...or actually never started."

The group looks at the lead PC with eyes bordering on the capacity for heat vision. The Mystic's player, a long time fan of the comic book medium, was certain the villian was about to elaborate on his monologue and/or reveal more on the reason and nature of his plan. The player never expected the bad guy to say "I'm going to press this button and blow up the Earth" and then just go ahead and press the button.

AD


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## Mamacat

I posted about the group I was in breaking up because of various reasons, but the DM missed several instances that showed something was wrong.  We had one member of the group who used to keep a storyhour type log of the games....and looking over the last few, my character literally said, maybe three things, and didn't do much (I played the rogue, who tried to open locks, traps, etc, but the players basically blew through things, and never got into trouble for not letting my character take care of these things first - but that's another story).  And finally, at one of the last sessions, I read a cook book.  Yep, a cook book.  We played at our house (because we have a 2 year old, and it's easier to bring the game there), and I had nothing else to do in game.  Afterwards, we got this email asking why I was reading a cook book, was there something wrong???    

The straw that broke the camel's back was when the DM called me a bad mother (which I'm not), but that was not game related.


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## Lalalei2001

The Rogue and the Warlock have been hired to track down a certain evil gang leader. They have just gained access to his secret base, and they have located a secret peephole, which shows the throne room of the local (supposedly lawful good) duke's palace! And, gasp and exposition, the gang leader is talking to the duke!

Duke: "Look, I've told you before..."
Rogue: "DUKE! HEY DUKE! WE CAN HEAR YOU!"
Me: >_<


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## Dlsharrock

Lalalei2001 said:
			
		

> Duke: "Look, I've told you before..."
> Rogue: "DUKE! HEY DUKE! WE CAN HEAR YOU!"
> Me: >_<




Hehe! That made my day 

Stupidest thing that every happened in a game of mine: back in the days of 2e, a wizard with a phobia of climbing and heights is in a very small jolly boat with a brutish fighter having just escaped a corsair ship. They make it to shore, but there are no beaches, just these really sheer cliffs. The wizard takes one look at the cliffs and says "there's no way I'm going up there, we need to find another way."

The fighter's answer to this is to knock out the wizard and carry him up! Stupid enough for ya yet? More stupid? Ok- he decides it's best if he distracts the wizard before doing the deed, so he points out to sea and says "the corsairs have found us!". When the wizard turns to look the fighter hits him over the head with the only weapon he still has, a +2 club. Result: the wizard hops around the boat clutching his head and shrieking while the fighter blinks in confusion... then hits him again! 

So it goes on, the wizard's player pleading the fighter's player to stop hitting him and the fighter passing me more notes: "hit him again" until finally the wizard goes down and over the side of the *very small boat*. A close-thing rescue later and it's at this point the fighter realises he hasn't the slightest hope in hell of climbing the sheer cliff with an unconscious, dripping wizard slung over his shoulder.

Good thing both players saw the funny side.

Another stupid moment was actually in-character stupid, which is always good for laughs. It didn't happen in my game (lamentably), but a friend told me of his hobbit character who lost an arm in combat. Thinking with the inevitable hobbit logic, he rigged up a shoulder strap and a bucket filled with soil, stuck  his bleeding stump in the thing and walked around wearing it for the rest of his game in the hope that 'his arm would grow back'.


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## Ipissimus

As Sam Gamgee would say, that boy's just not showing good old Hobbit sense. You have to put fertilizer in the pot too, everyone knows that!


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## Lalalei2001

Behold the mighty story of what would one day be referred to as The Goblin Incident.

I am running a 2nd ed. game for two friends of mine. (Ahhh... back in the day) One is playing a ranger, one is playing a wizard. Both of them are human. Since the group is low... I add an Elven Rogue DMPC to the mix. He mostly just follows the other two's lead.

The adventure is to find out what has been sacking and setting fire to the merchant shipments headed for a small town... which is causing them serious economic stress. The wizard decides that the best way to do this is to set up a false merchant wagon and find out who has been attacking it this way. 

Group hides in sealed crates and barrels, and allows themselves to be "captured" as swag by the goblins who have been raiding the trade route. Before doing so... the wizard (who by now, had picked up enough of the clues I'd dropped to know that goblins were the culprit) decides that goblins are dumb... and he has an idea. He slips some of the most potent sleeping poison he can find into two kegs of strong booze that they are carrying.

The gobs take the caravan, drag it into their cave, and take the kegs and some food for a big old goblin kegger party to celebrate their success. The PC's climb out of the crates. It is at this point that I point out that they are inside a cave and there is no light. The elf can see with Infravision. The wizard can see because he has a cat familiar (which granted infravision, back in the day)... The ranger can't see... and neglected to buy a torch of some sort. 

The wizard tells him to tag along, not wanting to cast light in the dark cave, and give away their position. The ranger agrees. They skulk for a while and come on the party room. I describe the scene of about 2 dozen armed and armored goblins all having a rip-roaring kegger, lead by their high "priest", who is sitting on a raised stone seat like he's a king or something. 

(He's actually a first level goblin mage who got his hands on a wand of burning hands.) As the potion was diluted down... I inform the wizard that they look a little groggy... but it's probably going to take them a little bit to fall asleep. It is at this point that the stupidity comes into play.

Ranger: "I shoot the head goblin!"

DM (Me): You want to shoot at a 3' tall goblin, who is at long range.... in the dark?

Ranger: "Yep. I've got a +2 to hit."

DM: "Pitch black darkness. As in "You can't see" darkness."

Ranger: "Yeah. I rolled a 12. Do I hit?"

He did not. The game was short lived at that point, as two dozen goblins rushed the group after the ranger gave them away. They probably could have made it out if they ran... but the wizard spent two rounds strangling the ranger before the goblins got to them.  

We still refer to the Goblin Incident anytime the ranger's player has a plan or tries to do something clever.


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## Lalalei2001

Any more dumb PC/DM moments?


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## Brimshack

When I finally gave up on this player.

Her: Okay, we sneak up on the giants. (We being a Ranger and a Sprite).

Me: How do you sneak?

Her: We hide.

Me: With both of them?

Her: Mmm-hm.

Me: Okay roll. (It came out roughly low 20s total for the ranger and low teens with modifier for the Sprite.) Alright, now is there anything else?

Her: No. We hide and sneak up on them.

Me: Okay, the Ranger notices that the Sprite isn't hiding very well.

Her: Okay, so I tell him to try again.

Me: Okay, but you only get one more try at hiding. Do you want to try anything else?

Her: No, we'll just try the hide again.

Me: Okay. (Again low teens after adjustments).


...Reasonably hostile encounter with Giants who see the Sprite follows.


Later, I reminded the player that the Sprite could go invisible at will, as indicated on the page from the Monster Manual that I had copied so she could put it in the back of her character sheet.

"I know, but I didn't know how to use it."

(Me quietly surpressing the urge to pull my own hair out.)


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## WalkingEntropy

*DM Derails His Own Game*

Here's a silly way to derail a game from about a year and a half ago.  It begins in Sharn in the Eberron Campaign Setting and the party had a Dwarven Defender, Frenzied Bezerker, an Artificer and me, a Sorcerer.  

The mission at the time involved hunting down what appeared to be a rakshasa with the help of an NPC Master Inquisitive who takes us to an abandoned warehouse.  The warehouse, according to the NPC, is the hideout of the rakshasa and our job is to search it room by room.  

I personally thought that was retarded (I hate dungeon crawls) so I asked the DM what the building was made out of.  He told us that it was wood.  So I said to him, "Great, I light the building with burning hands."  The general idea was that we could get straight to the boss if I could torch the dungeon.

That caught DM completely off guard and, after he tossed away the majority of his campaign notes, he scrambled to save the adventure by saying that in the bottom floor of the torched building was an adamantine door that the target must have escaped through.  Our party response was to dig around the door find somewhere to break into the underground passage.

The DM in turn, upped the ante and said that our way was barred by an adamantine plate that was 1000 feet to a side and six feet thick.

This immediately set off a wave off cussing around the table from everyone as a thought struck me.  It occurred to me that the group was standing on what was the equivalent of 6 million cubic feet of adamantine.  An evil glint came to the eye of our artificer and he announced his plans to immediately begin mining the adamantine for profit.

The DM pointed out that we had no resources available to do that, which was the truth.  But our artificer had taken the feat Favored in House and his house was House Cannith.  He leveraged this feat to get a entire Cannith mining expedition out to extract our new cash cow.

We were a little sketchy about the total value of the adamantine as we knew the amount only as a volume, not a weight, but we estimated that we had about 15 billion gp beneath our feet.

Long story short, I used my cut of the treasure to bankroll a fleet of 125 mithral plated airships and used them to support the personal armies raised by my party members as we declared war on the rest the campaign setting.


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## shilsen

Brimshack said:
			
		

> When I finally gave up on this player.
> ...
> 
> *Later*, I reminded the player that the Sprite could go invisible at will, as indicated on the page from the Monster Manual that I had copied so she could put it in the back of her character sheet.
> 
> "I know, but I didn't know how to use it."
> 
> (Me quietly surpressing the urge to pull my own hair out.)




You could probably have saved some hair and not had to give up on the player by not doing it later. Why not just say when they're discussing sneaking up, "You know, your character can go  invisible, which means the giants won't see you?" It would make more sense to remind the player when something's relevant rather than later, wouldn't it? After all, the character knows how to use all her abilities, even if the player doesn't.

On the bright side, you managed to get a foolish player move and a foolish DM move in the same story


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## awayfarer

WalkingEntropy said:
			
		

> *snip* The general idea was that we could get straight to the boss if I could torch the dungeon.
> 
> That caught DM completely off guard and, after he tossed away the majority of his campaign notes, he scrambled to save the adventure by saying that in the bottom floor of the torched building was an adamantine door that the target must have escaped through.  Our party response was to dig around the door find somewhere to break into the underground passage.
> 
> The DM in turn, upped the ante and said that our way was barred by an adamantine plate that was 1000 feet to a side and six feet thick. *snip*




Oy. I would never create sudden and elaborate to block my PC's from doing something. They're too clever for it anyway. As a DM in this situation it might have been better to...

1: Suck it up. The players found a way to deal with something in an unexpected way. It happens. 

My players recently skipped right to the end of a dungeon, a giant's tomb. They had two options...

1: Explore the entire tomb. Find the various stuff they needed to open the last door. Perhaps figure out a couple of puzzles. Possibly upset a lot of angry, undead tomb-dwellers. Maybe encounter some traps.
2: Use their Chime of Opening on the last door. D'oh!

A casting of hide from undead also allowed them to avoida lot of trouble. Basically 95% of the dungeon went unexplored. But hey, they had the tools to finish their job with a  minimum of fuss and I wasn't going to screw them for being prepared.

2: If for some reason the DM absolutely had to "salvage" that scenario, I'm sure there are dozens of ways to do that without throwing up a wall of adamantine. How about this.

Players: We set fire to the building
DM: Okay. The guy you're after decides not to hang around a burning building. He runs out of the perfectly ordinary wooden door at the back.

Admittedly this scenario is still part of the problem: denying PC's options for the sake of running things a certain way.


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## Evilhalfling

awayfarer said:
			
		

> Players: We set fire to the building
> DM: Okay. The guy you're after decides not to hang around a burning building. He runs out of the perfectly ordinary wooden door at the back.
> 
> Admittedly this scenario is still part of the problem: denying PC's options for the sake of running things a certain way.




Nah, thats the DM reasoning out the consequences of the players actions. There might have also been arson charges/investigation for setting a fire in a crowded city.  

Following a shapechanger on a chase through city? = good adaption.  Being chased by gaurds the same time = better.


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## Brimshack

shilsen said:
			
		

> You could probably have saved some hair and not had to give up on the player by not doing it later. Why not just say when they're discussing sneaking up, "You know, your character can go  invisible, which means the giants won't see you?" It would make more sense to remind the player when something's relevant rather than later, wouldn't it? After all, the character knows how to use all her abilities, even if the player doesn't.
> 
> On the bright side, you managed to get a foolish player move and a foolish DM move in the same story




Actually, I had reasons for not explaining it to her in that instance. But if you are looking to get in a dig, then I suppose this will do. Telling a player about a useful ability before hand is a legitimate move to be sure. It is by no means the obvious choice, especially if one is trying to get a player to take responsibility for running her own characters, which this player had yet to do.


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## Lalalei2001

Any more tales of DM or PC stupidity?


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## beeflv30

Had two noob's and they decided to split from the group inside the Whispering Cairn (Age of worms campaign). They chose the green lantern passage way and were soon devoured by that oh so nasty acid beetle swarm with the Madslasher in tow.  In the same campaign another player became addicted to Luhix when the party reached Greyhawk and had a night on the town. A few days later the group was taken captive by the dopplegangers in the hall of harsh reflections. The player had so many minuses and managed to survive till the fight with Zyrxog but then he caused a tpk.


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## Lalalei2001

Ah, I remembered a good one. 

This one guy, we felt so bad for him. To this day we're not sure if he really was stupid, or just not getting it. Scenario: He's a halfling thief, and the party has just come into possession of a Deck of Many Things. He drew lucky and got Keep, which means he unexpectedly inherits land holdings from some unknown relative that has just died. 

He also has a second level thief henchman, from another lucky draw, which is VERY lucky. He inherited some halfling uncle's brewery and lands. His mother tells him he got the brewery by stealing the funds for it, and he was a very successful thief in his day. Thus begins the Trial of the Incompetent Halfling. *sigh*

He goes to the bedroom. Of course, all the other players, who know me well, are thinking "Ooooh, halfling thief keep, lots of good junk squirrelled away!!!" What does this guy do? Drinks a bunch of the beer and goes to bed.

I graciously allow one of the other players to give him a nudge in the right direction, although all of the other characters are at other places. He finally decides to start searching, and lo and behold, finds a secret door in the bedroom. He goes down the short flight of stairs and finds a small stone room, ten by ten, with no apparent doors. He leaves, goes and drinks more beer, and goes back to bed, thinking that the room had been cleared out prior to his uncle's death. 

The other amused players, once again, gently steer him in the right direction. So the next day he toddles down the stairs, and lo and behold again, finds another secret door. I, thinking he's going to check for traps, don't bother placing any. He doesn't. He just opens the door and steps in. 

 I begin to realize that this guy needs to figure out what being a thief is all about...much less a halfling thief. Inside the room (another square stone room, 10x10) there is a single shelf jutting from the wall, with a small ivory box, and two urns on the floor beneath it. 

He cavalierly walks across the room and checks out the urns. One is sealed with wax, the other is simply stoppered. He unstoppers it. Inside he finds dust. 
Him: Dust? That's dumb. I dump it out. 
Me: You--what? 
Him: I dump it out. 
The other players are horrified.

Sure enough, he dumps it out and he and his henchman promptly fail their saving throws as it is Dust of Choking and Sneezing. His henchman recovers first and drags him from the room. He recovers, chuckles at himself, and proceeds to stride right back into the room.

His henchmen ends up covering his nose and mouth with a kerchief and rescues him again, as his footfalls stir up the dust once more. FINALLY getting this particular hint, he and his henchman very carefully reenter the room. I ask him what he's going to do.
Me: You have one more urn that is sealed with wax, and the box on the shelf. The shelf seems to be sticking out of the wall itself, not affixed there or attached to it in some way (hint, hint). 
Him: I pick up the box. 
The other players groan in unison.

*Kathunk!* A spear shoots out of the wall on what is belly height for a halfling and skewers him. He passes out, but does not die. When he comes round, he sees his predicament. The spear is in fact, affixed firmly in the wall, holding him up quite nicely. Me: What do you do?
Him: I slide off backwards. 
Me: You take an additional 1d4 points of damage as the barbed head penetrates your back, and you pass out again. 
He comes around again. 

Me: What do you do? 
Him: I draw my short sword and begin whacking at the pole of the spear in front of me. I exchange glances with everyone else at the table, but must do the proper thing, as it is not a magical sword... 
Me: You take additional 1d4 blunt damage from the violent movement of the spearshaft. You pass out. 

The other players, by this time, are gnawing on furniture. Comes around again. I finally let the other players help out. "HAVE YOUR HENCHMAN REMOVE THE BARB AND HELP YOU OFF!!!" He does so, makes it back upstairs, and gets patched up. There is no local cleric (in most of my games, clerics are very rare), but he is in no danger of dying as they have a very good hedge doctor at the keep. He wakes up the next day, half stats, etc. I describe the extent of his disability, his agony, and so on.

Me: What are you going to do. (thinking he'll send a messenger for another PC to help him out, as they do actually have a cleric in the party, but he's currently at his temple in the city some distance away) 
Him: I order a big steak and beer breakfast. 
Me: *gape* You just sustained a massive abdominal injury. You were on the verge of death, and you're weak and ill. You what? 
Him: I order a big steak and beer breakfast. 
Me: You sustain 1d4 damage from convulsive vomiting.

FINALLY he heals up and heads back down into the vault. The box is on the floor. He CHECKS FOR TRAPS! YAY! and disarms the ones that are there, and opens it. Inside are four vials of clear liquid in velvet (turns out to be holy water, but that's a different tangent to the story). Then he checks out the remaining urn. No runes in the wax, just plain red wax on an ivory bottle. He simply breaks the seal and looks inside. He sees liquid of some sort. 

He carefully pours some into his hand. At this point, I didn't have the heart to make it the incredibly nasty poison (which was supposed to be a boon to his party later on) it was supposed to be, and instead made it a Potion of Stench. He figured it out when his henchman started puking. 

I thought my other players were going to pop, they wanted to jump in so badly.


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## Lalalei2001

Got any more crazy stories? I've exhausted my supply.


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## TarionzCousin

Lalalei2001 said:


> Got any more crazy stories? I've exhausted my supply.



Already?


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## Moon-Lancer

STARP_Social_Officer said:


> I love how so many people's first reaction when encountering a foreign substance is to taste it.




"mmm wild berry...." space quest 4 for the win!!!


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## Iron Sky

Not all of these are necessarily stupid, but I found some of them pretty entertaining.  

This isn't my story, but I heard of a DM who cobbled together a wizards tower with the nastiest traps he could think of.

Trap 1: A pit 5' wide and 10' deep.  At the bottom of the pit, it turns into a pit 6" wide and 50' deep.  A super minaturize spell is cast on the openning of the 6" that lasts for one round.  PC falls 10' into the pit, gets shrunk, falls 50' and is now a normal sized PC in a 6" shaft...

Trap 2: An adamantine door is at the end of the hallway.  It isn't locked, but when they open the door a fist of force punches them in the nose, then slams the door.  The party gets beat to hell trying to open the door and is about to give up when a player who was running late to the game shows up.  His halfling walks up, sees the party all beat up, and says "what's with the door?"

Before they have a chance to tell him, he walks up and knocks on it.  The hand of force opens the door for them and waves them in.

Magic Item 1: The PCs are searching the tower when they find a solid golden necklace on a pedestal.  After carefully searching the pedestal for traps, the fighter grabs it and puts it on.  Nothing happens and after some experimentation, they discover the DM has created a new item: a necklace of protection.  It isn't until they leave the tower that the Enlarge spell cast on the ring of protection goes away.  The halfling casually picks the ring up from next to the decapitated fighter and puts it on.

Magic Item 2: The halfling thought he scored - a magic ring AND a +5 whip!  It's not until later that he finds the whip summons an anvil at the top of the swing on a critical fumble.


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## Iron Sky

Now, for stories from actual games I've run:

Back in 2nd edition when I was a new DM with young and inexperienced players: They are searching a cursed temple.  The first trip they lose two people to a gargoyle golem(when it hits it petrifies, hits again to shatter) and it chases them outside.  After getting their friends rez'd, they head back, playing hit and run with the golem in the woods.  The wizard decides to levitate it so he can force it to the ground, then lassos it and ties the rope to his waist of all things.  The golem looks at him, looks at the rope, then takes off dragging the mage off through the bramble filled woods.

Also in the temple they find a library full of dark tomes and a glowing pentagram on the floor.

One of them touches a bookshelf. *BOOM* fire trap.  Not deterred, another player winces and touches another one.  Nothing.  So he grabs a book off the shelf.  *BOOM* fire trap.  Still not deterred, another player winces and touches a bookshelf.  Nothing.  Wince, pulls a book of the shelf.  Nothing.  Opens the book.  *BOOM* firetrap.

I figure they're deterred by now, but no.  Yet another player does the same routine: wince/touch/wince/pull/wince/open.  The player grins.  "Clear."  Starts flipping through the pages, finds it's warping his brain, so slams it.  *BOOM* fire trap.

Fed up with the books, on of them shows his distain by throwing one of them into the pentagram on the floor, the ritual on the pages triggering the pentagram and openning a portal to the hells...  They only survive by running like hell as the uber-wizard of the world drops a meteor on the church to seal the portal.

---

Later in the game, the wizard(the player of the wizard went through 13 characters in the span of the game) was experimenting with Transmute Liquid, trying to find "the most explosive liquid there is."  He of course tested this by scooping water into a bowl and then lighting it on fire.  He did this every time the PCs made camp.  They knew he found it when he went flying over the camp training flames.

Once they'd put him out and healed him up, they decided to use a barrel full of the stuff to destroy an army of goblins that lived below a nearby tower.  After planting the barrel with a long fuse, they riled up the goblins, mounted, and waited for the goblins to come pouring out.  The grand plan was that the wizard with through a Flame Disc to light the fuse as they rode off.  Unfortunately, he missed and hit the barrel instead.

They wizard died instantly, while the Paladin woke up on his mount... in a tree, 200' from a huge crater.

Fortunately(un-fortunately?) the wizard's spell book survived and the party's new wizard decided that they'd try the whole deal on a larger scale.  They went to town, got a _water wagon,_ filled it with water, made a 1000' long fuse, then transmuted the stuff to the super-ultra-mega explosive.  They then halled it to ye old Necromancer's Castle and parked it just outside the gate.  As the undead began to swarm, they stood about 50' from the water wagon and discussed when/how to light it.  At about that time, the Chaotic Neutral dwarf lights it, interrupts the discussion, taps them on the shoulder, and points.

Miraculously, all survived except the wizard whose levitating body was found skipping across the ground at 40mph.


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## Lalalei2001

_Miraculously, all survived except the wizard whose levitating body was found skipping across the ground at 40mph._

I almost died laughing XD Great story.


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## Noumenon

A halfling rogue made a deal with a pseudodragon to get him a magic helm.  The dragon told him the password that would let him waltz by the skeletons that were killing his other party members.  It was "Sucitpyrc" -- the name of the god Crypticus backwards.  (Crypticus likes codes.)  So the halfling went in, spoke the word, took the helm, and went straight back to get his party and betray the dragon.

"We can't go through there," the party said. (One of the skeleton creatures was a reskinned babau demon.)  "I know the secret," the halfling said.  In fact, he was so determined to keep it a secret that he insisted they close the door after him and stand back so they couldn't hear what he was doing to get passage.

The skeleton creatures lunged at him, but he won the initiative roll.  "Crypticus!" he said clearly.  It wasn't till after the game that somebody explained to him why he had to be rescued from a babau demon.  It was all in the same session too...


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## Lalalei2001

PC1: I start climbing down. (roll, botch). Crap. 
DM: You slip and fall. It's a hundred and twenty foot drop. I need twelve dice. (collects, rolls) You're level 2, right? You land with a wet splat. 
PC2: I start dragging his body, so we can get him resurrected. 
(ten minutes later) 
PC1: Wait, what about my bottles of alchemist fire? 
DM: What bottles? 
PC1: (Gestures to character sheet) These, nine of them. 
DM: ... Dice. Everyone, I need more dice. 
PC2: Instead of dragging him, I scrape what's left of his remains into a flask, to be blessed later as a good luck charm. (records Flask o' Ben on character sheet)


----------



## Iron Sky

That reminds me of a classic moment back in 2nd edition that still comes up at least once a session:

The main villain of the campaign was an Elven prince named Reval.  He had seven Death Knights working for him and, looking at the Death Knights, I saw that each had a sword that shot 20d6 fire-balls at will.  I made a note that Reval had a "Death Knight sword", gave him an item that made him immune to fire, then forgot about it.

Two years (RL) into the campaign, the party has a magical key that unlocks the last seal to the Demon Realms - and Reval wants it.  The 8 or so members of the party gathered in their castle after getting the key, trying to figure out what to do with the key when Reval walks in the front door and sits down at the table without saying a word.

There is a moment of shocked silence as 8 minds try to process this devepment.  Six voices cry out "Kill him" in unison (the other two voices cried out "Run away" in unison).  I glance at Reval's stats and notice the sword, look up Death Knight, look in my dice bag, then look at my players all getting excited for the epic battle that's about to start.

"Reval points his sword at the ground and shoots his feet with a fireball, hitting all of you."  I extended my hand, with 10d6 in it.  "I need more d6s."

The player's expressions fell in unison.  Two characters died instantly and the rest ran for their lives.

At tonight's session, 10 years and 2 editions later, one of my players reached down to roll damage for an encounter power and said "I need more d6s."

Good times.


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## Lalalei2001

When his ship was hijacked, Alan and his party escaped his captors and set the ship for self-destruct. There was one problem. They forgot they had to jettison the two lifeboats on a previous mission and they never bothered to replace them.


----------



## Dannyalcatraz

Ouch.

Just...ouch.


----------



## Andor

*Player:* All four fighters force the door!
*DM:* Ok. The door was unlocked and behind it are stairs going down.

... in my defense I was 12.


----------



## Lalalei2001

^ That's cute. ^_^


----------



## Lalalei2001

The PC's were captured and thrown in a jail  cell in an orc encampment.

They were guarded by one orc. The  group's bard had the great idea of attempting to sing to the guard, in  order to fascinate, and then suggest it to unlock the prison door, turn  around, and plug it's ears so that it wouldn't hear them escaping.

Now,  it didn't seem like any of the group realized the problem with this  immediately, and admittingly, it took me a few seconds...

The  bard was singing to the orc to keep him fascinated/suggested. He told  the orc to plug his ears. 

Needless to say, as soon as the orc  plugged his ears, the bard song wore off. The orc turned around and a  gave the PCs an odd look, and then bolted out of the prison room and  called for backup.

We couldn't stop laughing for some time.


----------



## Holy Bovine

Worse session I have ever been in is the 2nd session of a new game.  This first was pretty standard 'protect the caravan' stuff fought some goblins and got a little bit of treasure.  Including a +1 glaive that my character  (a monk?  a fighter?  I can't really remember now) could actually use (all the other fighter types were sword & board).  It was the only magic item in the party (were started at 2nd level and were almost to 3rd by the end of the 1st session) so I figured it was way better to have and use than to sell for gold.  One other player disagreed but the party decided to keep it.  Later that night (same session) we were staying at an inn.  Apparently because I didn't specifically say I was locking the door of my private suite it wasn't locked and the PC who wanted to sell the glaive snuck in (he was a cleric) murdered my PC and took the glaive.  What made it the _worse_ session though was how the DM informed me of what had happened.  After a lot of whispers and passing of notes he calls me up to the front of the table with my character sheet.  He asks to check something on the sheet - I hand it to him and he rips it in half and says - 'you're dead!'.  Stunned I walked back to me seat, gather my things and never spoke to him again.  He left town at the end of the school year after skipping out on rent - yeah he was my housemate at the time.

Ta-Dah!


----------



## Holy Bovine

shilsen said:


> Semantics.
> 
> But then again I've never been one of those DMs who figure that when someone uses a Wish they must focus on the minutiae of his wording and screw him by hook or crook. When someone's using a 9th lvl spell, and in this case one in a very valuable item, I'm damned if I'd screw him because the player's wording wasn't the most precise. And none of my DMs would either, which is why I game with them.




This reminds me of a DM who, when we used the only wish scroll we had ever found or were ever likely to find, was told by a player as the PCs were being attacked by a gorgon "I wish we were all safe and sound!" immediately had the whole party 'stoned' by the gorgon's breath - no save.  We were 'safe' now weren't we?


----------



## Fifth Element

Holy Bovine said:


> This reminds me of a DM who, when we used the only wish scroll we had ever found or were ever likely to find, was told by a player as the PCs were being attacked by a gorgon "I wish we were all safe and sound!" immediately had the whole party 'stoned' by the gorgon's breath - no save.  We were 'safe' now weren't we?



You DM had a strange idea of what "sound" means, I guess.


----------



## redboxrazor

In a GURPS 'Zombie' game I was running, one of the characters naturally assumed all of the doors in an antique shop were locked. He charged through one of the doors and fell down 3 flights of stairs. Bloody and crippled at the bottom, he was a quick kill for another PC at the bottom who mistook him for a zombie in the dark. The door was unlocked...


----------



## LostSoul

Years back, 1998 or so, I'm playing 2E with skills and powers turned on.  I have a cheesed out elven F/M/T, my brother is playing my PC's cousin, a half-elf F/M with gauntlets of ogre power and an elf henchman named Sudimir, who is also a F/M.

We end up in a dungeon with a crazy trap room - a slippery narrow beam with scything blades chopping across it and spikes (and acid?) in a pit below.

Since my PC is cheesed out, I can only fail crossing the beam on a 1 on 1d20.  I laugh at the difficulty.  What do I roll?  A 1.    (Awesome.)

Anyway, most of us get across but Sudimir, with 7 Dex or something like that fails, falls, starts dying.  I have a crown that gives me a limited wish so I use it to teleport Sudimir up next to us in safety.

We heal up Sudimir and do some RP, me complaining about having to waste a limited wish to save such a loser.  As we prepare to head on, I ask my brother, "What spells does Sudimir have memorized?"

"Oh, you know, the usual.  Sleep, Charm Person, Magic Missile...  _Spider Climb_..."

I still think that was awesome.


----------



## Herschel

Ex-fiance playing a paladin back in 2E. The party infiltrated the temple of the evil high priest. After the encounter they see a large, black, evil-looking (and emanating!) leather-bound book chained to the podium. She decides to peruse it. *BOOM GOES THE INEFFIBLE DAMNINITE!*.

I'm not under the impression she has forgiven me yet.


----------



## Jan van Leyden

Back in the days when I ran The Enemy Within campaign, the group despaired in Power Behind the Thrown. So when they had an audience with the Count - second most powerful person in the realm -with the head of the second most powerful religion attending as well as the heads of the second most powerful knightly order, one character loudly proclaimed: "Slaneesh!!!"

Campaign closed.

P.s.: Slaneesh is one of the gods of chaos in the Warhammer game and world. Worshipping him is forbidden; worshippers usually don't get to enjoy the favour of a trial.


----------



## Bullgrit

Party is sent on a mission to recover a McGuffin from a red dragon lairing in an active volcano – they are told beforehand about the red dragon and volcano. No one – no one – bothers to acquire protection from fire, of any kind. Even the spell casters don’t bother with fire protection magic.

There are five PC deaths in the final battle with the dragon. Four of those deaths are by fire.

Bullgrit


----------



## Dannyalcatraz

Classic, Bullgrit!


----------



## Lalalei2001

Maybe I'm just tired, but I busted up laughing at Bullgrit's story.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Speaking of death by fire, it's a really, really bad idea to cast a fireball in a library.


----------



## Initiate

Bullgrit said:


> No one – no one – bothers to acquire protection from fire, of any kind. Even the spell casters don’t bother with fire protection magic.




I thought that my group was the only one to fail to prepare for fiery deaths via  red dragons and lava.


----------



## Dannyalcatraz

Lalalei2001 said:


> Speaking of death by fire, it's a really, really bad idea to cast a fireball in a library.




Try casting one in a fireworks factory.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Dannyalcatraz said:


> Try casting one in a fireworks factory.




That must've been a blast.

*ba-dum ting*


----------



## Obryn Darkfell

Back in the day, I was running an adventure that had a half-ogre fighter, a dwarven cleric, a half-elven wild mage, and a human rogue...

Having made their way to the brigands' hideout, the half-ogre and the dwarf were lifting the portcullis while the rogue kept watch with his short bow...

As soon as the portcullis was a couple feet off the ground, the wild mage swigged his potion of fire protection and rolled underneath.  He was, almost immediately, surrounded by a dozen enemies.  The wild mage, being a wild mage, cast fireball... centered on himself.  The lucky bastard killed all but one of the brigands and he survived with 15 hp left...

Later in the same campaign, the party came upon a 20'x30' room filled with trolls... He cast fireball into the room and was incinerated by the backblast.


----------



## malcolypse

a friend of mine decided to run a superhero game. the world was his and i don't remember what rules he was using. i remember i spent several hours talking to him about and writing up my character. she had a tragic backgroud that lead to her discovering her powers and causing her to become suicidal. but her super powers were invulnerability. she became a costumed hero in the hope that she could find something powerful enough to kill her. 

my long term plan was to have her do enough good that she recovered from the scars of her youth and found a new home with the super team she was going to be in.

knowing everything about my character, and discussing her in rediculous detail, it was time to start the campaign.

after five minutes of introduction to the campaign by the gm, he told everyone that their characters were sucked into a portal and transported to a new dimension. he then handed us his versions of our character sheets and explained that the portal had changed our powers.

now i could shoot heat rays out of my eyes.

i used them to burn through the fence at the airport so i could throw myself into a jet engine.

i have rarely seen a more beautiful expression of shock than he had on his face.


----------



## renau1g

That DM seems like a douche to change your sheets without permission like that.


----------



## malcolypse

he's not a douche. he's good people. he just wanted to run a very specific game, i think, based on some comic he was reading at the time. 

when the players came up with a rediculously different group than what his story was built for, he wanted to help us succeed in the game. 

his inexperience and over-enthusiasm for the story as written (well, borrowed in this case) led him to make a mistake.

after that, i think that the game ran one more session, because the party went off on such a tangent (i think that we ended up in south america) that he wasn't able to get us around to his story short of a cutscene or something.


----------



## renau1g

Ah..... yeah maybe douche was too strong, but personally, if the DM had us spend hours of time coming up with a PC then the first session decides they don't fit his mold and so he "fixes" them to his liking I'd be pretty pissed off. He should have said "here's a list of powers that the group must have" or "here's some pregens, fill in back-story's as appropriate".


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## Lalalei2001

Well, the topic title does mention DMs now.


----------



## radmod

I can't remember if I said this, but ...
We had a player who simply did not understand cause and effect.

Traveler:
He was piloting a ship. He saw a big red button. He pressed it. *BOOM*
(He did that twice)

Runequest(?):
He picked up what he thought was a wonderful magic item. He used it constantly (thought it didn't do much). He was two levels higher than me. He kept using the item. I became the same level as he. He kept using the item. I exceeded him by two levels. He kept using the item.

D&D:
We were exploring a dungeon where we discovered these little buttons with an image of a hand on them. We told him "it's a trap, don't pick them up, don't touch them, don't even look at them!" Three hours later, 2/3rds of the party is dead at the hands of the Hand (assassins). He, of course, lived.


----------



## drevar

My guys were trying to break into a goblin stronghold (at lvl 1). They picked the rogue who had some disguise ability and was a halfling and dressed him up as a female goblin with the idea to lull the goblin guard away from the entrance. They where all very excited and were roleplaying everything up well. The player then ran up to the goblin and opened his mouth to speak. It was at this time that I inquired to the character: "what languanges do you speak?". Unfortunately for him, goblin was not one of them! Much hilarity (is that a word) ensued as the player tried to roleplay a female goblin who could not understand anything the guard was saying and of course could not speak back. We still laugh about this encounter to this day. Was great fun.


----------



## Dausuul

malcolypse said:


> he's not a douche. he's good people. he just wanted to run a very specific game, i think, based on some comic he was reading at the time.




Sounds to me like somebody who had never run a game before and had no clue how to do it. I won't condemn the GM - we were all newbies once - but it was certainly abysmal GMing.


----------



## aboyd

We were playing the Goodman Games module, Cage of Delirium.  In a hole underneath the haunted asylum, there is an undead corpse-hydra.  Normally, the module gives this monster 12 heads that each attack and spit fire.  Knowing how to play hydras properly, I knew that I would kill all the PCs with something that powerful.  The action economy was in my favor.  So I changed it to be 6 headed.

That didn't help, considering what they did.

Someone in the party fell through a hole in the floor, landing on top of a hill made of corpses.  To rescue that comrade, the party lowered down a Duskblade class character, on a rope.  The Duskblade grabbed the ally, but awakened the monster.  They pulled up on the rope and got out just as all the heads breathed fire, which came roaring up through the hole and did some damage, but killed no one.

I assumed they would count their lucky stars, and either be done with it, or make an amazing plan of attack to execute when fully prepared.

Instead, the Duskblade says, "I'm going back in to take it out, lower me down."  As the DM, I really question this, out loud.  I'm asking if he's certain he wants to be lowered into the fire-breathing monster's lair.  "Uh, _yeah_," he replies, "the rest of the group will find a way to get down and fight it in a few rounds."

I'm not the kind to reward very poor battle strategy.  So I had the undead corpse-hydra remain unmoving among the piles of bodies.  Readied action: strike when in range.  The moment that the succulent Duskblade morsel was dangling near all 6 heads, I rolled my attacks, hit with 4, and killed the Duskblade instantly.

Utter disbelief from everyone at the table.


----------



## aboyd

One of the players in the game with the undead corpse-hydra was looking to get into more D&D games.  I play in a game with "Mean DM" from this forum and a few others, and I told him about the game.  Very tactical, focus on minis & strategic combat.  He was enthusiastic.

First night playing, we come across a bridge.  Immediately, the whole party is wary, except for the new guy.  We're all trying to figure out ways around without using the bridge.  We don't even want to get near -- it would be soooo like our DM to throw a typical bridge troll at us, or have it explode apart while we're halfway across, or whatever.

We say this, out loud.  New guy: "I spot for trolls!"

DM: "Yeah, actually you see one, standing off to the side of the bridge entryway."

The group groans.

New guy: "I do a full run to get within attack range."

DM: "Uh, a full run is not like a charge.  You won't get an attack until the next round."

New guy: "I know, but let's get this started."

DM and _every other player at the table_: "By yourself??!?"

New guy: "It's just one round!  You'll catch up!  Let's get started!"

DM: "You race up into attack range.  Troll #1 full attacks, hits with both claws for 15 hp damage, gets to do a rend for 15 more hp damage."

New guy: "Daaaaaaammmnn!"

DM: "Troll #2 takes a 5 foot step and..."

New guy: "Wait, what?  Where'd he come from?"

DM: "Next to troll #1 -- out of the line of sight thanks to the angle of the bridge back when you were spotting from 120' away.  Anyway, it also gets a full attack for... 32 more points."

Me: "You're dead, aren't you?"

New guy, shell-shocked: "Yeah."


----------



## Cor_Malek

First campaign in my life, MERP. After a fairly good idea to search for hidden tunnel where a stream exited a cave, we got a lot of very bad rolls. In terms of rolemaster it means not only that we didn't find anything, but that we're sure there's nothing to be found. Instead of thinking a way to roleplay our characters into trying it again, we decided to set off. Our DM thinking quick, figured an another way into the complex, and air vent. We somehow managed to screw this one up as well (I don't remember how specifically) and we ended up down in a strange, dark tunnel, injured and without most of our stuff. After an hour or so of wandering around, I produced a piece of parchment and a quill and begun to draw a map, based on turns we've made (yay for the well equipped and seeing in the darkness dwarf!).
Since we were fairly sure it was a maze, the sensible thing to do, would probably be to get some point of reference, or at least mark our way to see if we come back to some spots. But planning is for sissies, and we were making a map! After a lot of aimless wondering, I realized there were two major problems:
a) not all of the turns were 90 degrees
b) not all of the corridors were of same length.
Both of which the DM was trying to hint time and time again, better yet - with his patent "there's something very wrong" cheerfulness. And we figured it out only because one of the players was bored enough to roleplay some, um, basic routines, closely connected to eating. About 0.6 meter in straight line, in fact.

Saved by stepping in dung, we somehow found our way out, and even recovered the MacGuffin. Several _sessions_ later, we left the complex by the exit at the cave, all nearly starved to death (which isn't easy to do with MERP iron rations. We spent quite a while there). We were so proud of ourselves, the DM didn't have the heart to tell us until a few months later, that it was supposed to be a quite short, introductory session. As in a single one 
And then, we proceeded to boast in front of quest giving dwarven prince. As he was hostile after such glorious success (taking several weeks to get him what he needed within days), we sort of snapped, and were thrown out of the city. Our primary goal because of which we took the quest? To get into that city. Yay us!

And that's just what I can remember to be from this one, short campaign (I later noticed that I tended to fuse memories of other's screw-ups with this adventure). There literally was no part of it that we didn't manage to screw up in one way or another; even befriending a weasel for a pet was too much for us (OK, to be fair, that was me, again ). But hey, at least it was a laugh


----------



## Lalalei2001

aboyd said:


> Me: "You're dead, aren't you?"
> 
> New guy, shell-shocked: "Yeah."




Comedy gold. XD


----------



## Humanaut

back in the day: Top Secret game. My agent had a flamethrower. (hey, I was in high school) Our team was by some docks, a warehouse area, and the bad guys find us and start shooting from rooftops. I respond with FIRE. I set several buildings on fire before I'm hit and the GM has the tank hit and I explode.

End Top Secret game, back to DnD...

same age, playing DnD:  we were hired by elves to help repel an orc army, led by wizard, their new weapon is a magic version of gunpowder they load in barrels and hurl with catapults.  We sneak up to their lines, find the seige engines and attack!  My wizard decides to huck a FIREBALL at the neaby wagons.  That was their ammo supply.  After several large explosions we defeat the orcs, but set the elven forest on fire and burn half of it down.  They were mad.  We had to start a tree nursery to make up for our success.


----------



## Incendax

Zamtap said:


> I've just seen something that I think qualifies in a vampire session
> 
> He as a physcologist already had the notion that these 2 NPC's were one vamp, any how they are suspossed to be twins
> 
> He'd been manipulated by one "twin" lets say "J" to throw a spanner in the others (lets call her "T") plan to get influnence and power.
> 
> He'd woken up in an unfamilar location in the underground system (rather than his nice haven) so he knew he was a target.
> 
> He gets a message setting up a meeting with "J" cause "T" has found out about last night's spanner and it's not at the elyssium.
> 
> she doesn't reply to the text suggesting meeting at elyssium.
> 
> The other players all have minor research projects at the elyssiun which doubles as a library
> 
> He went alone - got ambushed by 3 gangers with guns. (no flame rounds)
> 
> for the record the character made it out, by the skin of his teeth. To cover the draining of a mortal (done whilst in the throws of frenzie cause he'd used every point of blood to heal or boost an attribute) and thus a break in the maskerade he had to cause a fire to consume the bodies.



That's a pretty shameless rip of the video game Bloodlines: the Masquerade.


----------



## Lalalei2001

^ How so?


----------



## SnowleopardVK

I was once in a party with an alchemist who liked to throw bombs at enemies while the rest of us were flanking them.

1 bombed enemy
3 or 4 bombed and angry allies

Someone came close to death practically every encounter because of him. After three levels and a new character rolled up as a result of death by "friendly-fire" the other four of us asked the DM if we could kill him (none of our characters were particularly forgiving types). The DM agreed.


----------



## Evilhalfling

jumping on top of a stunned beholder, for extra damage = good.
riding the beholder around once it wakes up. = questionable. 
Not getting off when the beholder floats over a lava stream = dumb.
Being dunked as beholder takes a quick dip in refreshing lavas (base hp 392)  = dead & out of recovery range.


----------



## Summer-Knight925

Warlock who had all the treasure used his flight ability to cross over a chasm of lava at the devil-lich

one rolled 1 and a finger of death later, we were rule dipping to save treasure.

we figured it out, the shifter rogue grabbed my lifeless form and pulled it onto the floating adamantine fortress...

and the dumbesrt thing I've ever seen a DM do is make traps not using the rules.
Why tell the players to bring someone who can open locks if all the locks are trapped and 'cannot be disarmed because of the magic used' and then have them do 5d6 electricty damage...we were first levels, there was no save.


----------



## Dice4Hire

Well, last week (4E), we had a player roll multiple times on his thievery and bluff skills, which were his worst skills.

It was fun though.


----------



## dm4hire

Spycraft - Player has his PC steal a van, drive to the stakeout, and then crawl under it with his sniper rifle. He couldn't understand why the cops came and arrested him.


----------



## aboyd

Lalalei2001 said:


> ^ How so?



Twins that turn out to be a single person with dueling personalities is a plot line from that video game.


----------



## Pentius

NPC: "So tell me, mortals, why should I allow you to take this demonic artifact?  What are your intentions?"

Player 1: "We aim to destroy it, that it may hurt no one ever again."

Player 2: "My intentions?  Vengeance!!!!!!"


----------



## SkredlitheOgre

A while ago, during a GURPS Supers campaign, my character had five levels of Super Flight, which I had figured out was faster than the speed of sound, though I don't remember the calculation off the top of my head.  Anyway, another character was off the ship and called for help, as her location was under attack.  I immediately run to the deck and take off, full speed.  A minute later:

GM:  Full speed, huh?
Me:  Um.  Yeah?
GM:  Where are you going?
Me:  To Chammie's place.  She needs help.
GM:  Right, but where IS that?
Me:  ...Crap.

I had no idea where the place was, and after a full minute, I was several jillion miles away from anything.  Thus, my character earned the quirk of not knowing which direction was which.

From the same campaign, another player had had personal issues with the GM (they lived in the same apartment), but things hadn't been too bad.  Until this.  The other player and I enter this mystic cave to meet an information source, which turned out to be a dragon.  I was properly cowed.  The other player was not.

GM:  *gives information as dragon*
Me:  Thank you.
Other Player:  Is that everything?
GM:  *as dragon*  Yes.
OP:  I shoot the dragon in the eye.
I slowly turn and look at the other player and then back at the GM.
Me:  So, how fast do I reach top speed?
GM:  *livid beyond anything I've seen from him since*  Almost instantly.
Me:  *nods*  I punch (OP's character) in the head as hard as I can and fly like Hell.

The GM and OP get into a huge argument, since the OP was trying to ruin the campaign due to their personal issues.  The rest of the players thanked the GM and walked out.  When we reconvened two weeks later, there was no sign of OP and we learned he had moved out and none of us have seen him since.


In my current Pathfinder campaign, I have a player who recently quit because he "wasn't having fun anymore."  I am totally willing to accept that as a reason for not wanting to play.  The problem *I* had with him was that he would come up with these complex (usually) plans, but not _share them with the rest of the party, including me, the DM,_ so the party was forced to react to not only enemies, but also these seemingly random plans.  Case in point:

This player, playing a Elven rogue/sorcerer, and the rest of the group were making their way through this giant underground mausoleum/cave system.  They had been following the trail of a wizard who seemed to have a thing for minotaurs.  By that, I mean he used minotaurs as henchmen.  I created the 'final showdown' thinking that there was the wizard, his two goblin cronies, the minotaur with a template, and a snake-thingie.  There were five party members and the two goblins were considered unimportant in the grand scheme.  So, I built this minotaur with the thought that the fighter (the only melee class in the group) and the rouge/sorcerer would team up on the minotaur and the other three (a bard, a cleric, and a cleric/wizard) would handle the wizard and the snake-thingie.  Instead, the the rogue/sorcerer backs himself into a corner of the room, casts some spell or the other to let him see in magical darkness, and then casts _darkness _centered on himself, effectively cutting the room in half.  None of the other characters can see in magical darkness.  The fighter and the minotaur are slugging it out, with the one of the two clerics keeping by her in order to keep her up and moving and flanking the minotaur.  The bard is moving toward melee combat with the wizard, and the snake-thingie is being vaguely assaulted by the cleric/wizard.  Instead of helping out, the rogue/sorcerer sits in his corner of darkness, ineffectually firing arrows.

This character is the same guy who will laugh evilly when he comes up with a plan, refuses to tell us about it, and then because most everyone else goes before him in combat, is pissed because his beautiful plan is ruined.  I tried to explain to him that if he told us what the plan was, we could make it work, but he just moved on to the next plan that he wouldn't tell us about.

He finally quit the group after out last encounter (same group, different DM), which was the barbarian and the monk (me), valiantly trying to kill some ogres/ogrekin (we're playing Rise of the Runelords), while the rogue is tumbling around and flanking/backstabbing whenever possible.  This guy is playing a 6th level halfling druid who rides a tiger (or something) and instead of turning into a bear (or something) or moving into melee or summoning some assistance, sat well away from the building using a wand of magic missle.  Needless to say, we weren't that broken up about him leaving.


----------



## SkredlitheOgre

This isn't so much stupid as it was fun.  At least for me.  This is a D&D 3.5 group I'm DM'ing for.

The group has finished their mission in some dimension or the other and they find, conveniently, a Scroll of Wish.  Since this is a break in the action, I take the time to figure out the XP for the first have of this night's session.

PC1:  We wish to go back to Melinir.  (From the Thunder Rift Setting)
Me:  *distracted by figuring out XP and not really paying attention*  Okay.  (I figured that would be it and there would be a break for food/drinks/bathroom/whatever.  I hadn't been planning any treachery with the wish.)
PC2:  Wait.  That would be too easy.
PC1:  You're right.  We wish to go back to Melinir, but just outside the city, so we're not caught in walls or anything.
Me:  *still distracted*  Okay.  That's fine.

At this point, the entire group of 7 players start making very exact additions to the wish.  Things like "inside the castle wall, but not _in_ the castle wall" and even "No, no.  We want to appear in the throne room (since one of the characters was the king's step-son) but off to the south side of the throne, so we're not going to appear inside anyone else."

This went on for close to half an hour.  Eventually, I decided to send them to an alternate version of their home, complete with a "Mirror, Mirror" goatee on the king.  Nobody got it.


----------



## Lalalei2001

These're all great XD


----------



## Shadus

Had a Paladin try to convert a Bulleywug to Pelor by slamming him down on the alter it just tried to sacrifice a innocent boy on. The Paladin raised up his Holy Symbol and and brought it down on the poor creature while telling him to repent.

When I asked him to make a religion check he fumbled.
Apparently Pelor didn't want some stupid Bulleywug in his services, so he shined down his golden rays, and made it explode.

EDIT: Just noticed this was a grave dug. Sorry.


----------



## Lalalei2001

Bacon's story is one I read every week or so. it's that funny. XD


----------



## Chairman7w

Hahahahahaaa!!  That's awesome!!



Tarangil said:


> The Roaring Barbarian who never liked wizards picked up the skinny Slick 50 and threw him down the well.  Mr Wild mage used a wild surge to make spider climb while falling and made it 200% effective, stuck out his hands and touched the well wall as he fell the 240'....
> 
> To this day his hands are still sticking to where he touched the wall.  The rest of him after his wrists dislocated and popped off, fell the rest of the way leaving a long greasy smear all the way down.


----------



## Chairman7w

Evilhalfling said:


> riding the beholder around once it wakes up. = questionable.




THIS is the kind of stuff that makes D&D so fun!


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## Living Legend

I have never been a fan of dungeon crawls, but in highschool I had a DM run a very long Undermountain campaign that was awesome.  At one point we come upon a long hallway that appears to be covered in grease and we can't see the end of it.  Our party was a little over done, so my psuedodragon decides to challenge the ranger to a race to see who can get to the end of the hallway.  My character flys along at full speed, the wemic fighter with 25 strength shoves the ranger with all his force, sending him sliding along the slick floor.

I was winning, so I plunged headfirst into the gelantinous cube, promptly followed by the ranger.  The ranger died before they could get him out, my character barely made it.


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## Dordledum

to name three from a long list:

- trying to sneak up to a shadow dragon with a party of level 2 heavily armoured fighters and clerics (2nd edition)

- Dwarven Fighter/Cleric casting the "Fly" spell, and proceeding to charge the ancient red dragon which is just flying by. (3.5 edition)

- Picking up a red gem... pulsating...with an overwhelming evil aura... (you know what I'm talking about!)


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## Dordledum

from our previouis session, succubus encounter, during combat:

DM: "The succubus tries to grab you and leans over to you pouting her lips. [touch attack hits, roll opposed grapple]"

Our rogue: "I drop my weapons, voluntairily fail my grapple and kiss her on the mouth."

Rest of the party: "Huh?" [Facepalm!]

After the combat, the rogue comes too (having been drained a few levels): "Did I get lucky or what?"

Suffice to say my character (party healer) slapped him senseless and refused to heal him that day.


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## Dordledum

Another one which I would categorize under "lost in translation". Wasn't as much a stupid action per se, but I feel I have to share.

English isn't our party's first language, but as all books are in English, we tend to use that anyway. My friend's ex played with us for a while and she DM-ed a short story in a city setting. 

The party was captured by a group of thugs. And we were about to be "questioned" on the whereabouts of an artifact we had found. A half-orc in leather armor took our elven mage apart and said:

"Talk or I'll have at you with my raper!"

We were all ROFL-ing, while our DM looked confounded. Finally we explained that the item we hoped she was referring to was called a rapier.


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## imurphy943

This one time, I was playing an OD&D game with original monsters. A huge thing starts coming up out of the sand, and the entire party says "run away!" The DM asks if anyone wants to look back. I said "yeah, and I flip it off." 

Then he had me roll a saving throw, which I flubbed but had no noticable effect. I decided it was probably a fear effect, which wouldn't be noticed if I was already running away.

Later that night, the guys on watch noticed thousands of tiny fibers growing out of my sleeping halfling body. I don't know if you've ever played in an old-school game where the DM throws encounters of 5x your hit dice at you regularly, but these guys had.

A *CLERIC* specifically said that he kept hitting the corpse long after it was hamburger meat. The mage woke up and started shooting the corpse with a phaser (I swear to God, he had a laser gun). They threw burning oil all over the corpse AND my riding goat.


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## Lalalei2001

I started hyperventilating from laughter at this. The rest of the thread's pretty good too, as is this one.

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=9915783&postcount=19

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?88960-Funny-D-amp-D-Stories


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## Ziltrox

We once had a mage that wanted to use his shrink spell on the barbarian gnome so he could catapult him to the other side of the bridge (which had collapsed).. It didnt end well haha


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