# Bard Performance: Rhyming Insults



## TarionzCousin (Jul 15, 2011)

Tonight I begin playing in a Pathfinder Kingmaker campaign with a bard. His performance skill is Oratory, with the effect being rhyming insults.

In combat, he is going to insult monsters in order to activate his bardic performances.

Of course, some of his skills help his allies, so a good-natured zinger at them will be forthcoming as well.

*What are some good D&D-style insults, either in general or by monster/race/class type?* Keep them Grandma-friendly, of course.

The other PC's:

"Ogre Smakulots" Human Fighter/Rogue, Two Weapons. From the Rostland Plains of Brevoy.
"Roland" Half Elf Pistoleer/Paladin originally from Alkenstar, in the Mana Wastes.
Half-Ogre/Half-Dwarf Barbarian (Berserker)/Alchemist from the Goluskin Mountains in Brevoy.
Unknown: Dwarf? Crusader/Wilder?  Druid/Psion? Something that blasts, maybe.
Gnome Ranger/Shapeshifter?
"Benton Burrows" Halfling Cleric/Wizard (Diviner/Scryer). Originally from Almas, in Andor.


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## ExploderWizard (Jul 15, 2011)

Yo, sup man. You can't be bitin rhymes man. You gotta roll wit da improv on the M-I-C.

Just lose yourself. 

EDIT: OK I guess I coud give a sample.

_When facing kobolds_

Whassup dude why you try to hit me?
You're just a chump yeah I know that you are shifty.
You're a little scrub
Beggin for a crumb
You dare face us in battle
Your morale I will rattle
You say you hate this message that I'm singin?
Best step off before we wax you like a minion.


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## fba827 (Jul 15, 2011)

here is a link to an older thread that has some insults in general ...
http://www.enworld.org/forum/general-rpg-discussion/235609-need-help-insults.html

but you did want *-rhyming-* insults....
i'm drawing a blank at the moment short of stuff like "roses are red, violets are blue ....(insert an insult that ends in 'you' like i've never met an ogre as ugly as you)" ..  as you can see, a poet i am not. 

but i'll post more later if i think of something useful... just wanted to toss in that link to the older thread in case it had anything for you to mine.


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## Olgar Shiverstone (Jul 16, 2011)

There once was a dwarf from Nantucket, 
Who fought all his foes with a bucket ...


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## Ferdil (Jul 16, 2011)

Every enemy I have met, I’ve annihilated. 

A cookie if you get the quote.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Jul 16, 2011)

Be I drunk or be I sober, you're _still_ as ugly as an ogre.

I heard your father say to brother 'tis shameful what you do to your mother.

After I leave here, I'll need strong drink to make me forget your powerful stink.

I pity any comely wench subjected to thy loathsome stench.

Your tongue, sir, is quite the wagger- come, let me fix that with my dagger.

You seem to be a manly fellow, but we know your true color's yellow.

Your reputation all over town?  A man who fights in trousers of brown.

You impress all around with your strength, strut and abuse, but your last doxy said your "sword" was of no use.

By the Nine Hells, your mother smells!


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## Rune (Jul 16, 2011)

For a medusa:  "You're momma's so ugly, folk turn to stone just in case they _might_ happen to catch a glimpse of her face!"

For an orc: "You're momma's so dumb, when she gets in a jam, she uses her head like a battering ram!"

For a succubus: "You're momma's so skank, she's the reason the rank and file are so rank!"

For a troll: "You're momma's so fat, when it gets cut away, there's not more troll to love, there's just more troll to slay!"


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## Dannyalcatraz (Jul 16, 2011)

I swear by the pricking of my thumb, I've not met any fool quite so dumb!

Hark!  Celestial choirs sing on high: profound idiots are drawing nigh!


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## Dannyalcatraz (Jul 16, 2011)

I wager should I live so as 
to grow a beard both long and grey
My memory will fail to hold
A greater fool than met today.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Jul 16, 2011)

Thy visage is so ruined and ugly,
There's not enough gold to pay any to mug thee.

What is that stench so very foul
That emanates from 'neath thy cowl?
Hast thou eaten otyugh stew broth?
Didst thou dine on troglodyte loincloth?


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## Dannyalcatraz (Jul 16, 2011)

Drizzle, drazzle, drozzle, drone,
Your nose is tiny for a gnome...


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## Dannyalcatraz (Jul 17, 2011)

Ma'am, your visage makes me woozy
You look a cross twixt flumpfh and cooshee.

You impress me with your might
Like an ogre...but half as bright.

In brightest day or blackest night
No one should witness such a sight
Let all who quaver with mildest frights
View not thy visage, thy face of blight


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## Dannyalcatraz (Jul 17, 2011)

With squinty eyes and hair so thin
A wit war with me you think you'd win?
You look the child of cousins mated
Your wardrobe old, worn and dated
Your breath's enough to make one sick
Your wit so feeble, Orcs think you thick
Your visage is so warped and poxy
No fee can win you any doxy
But that's no loss to womankind
Your codpiece hides naught to find.


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## Thunderfoot (Jul 19, 2011)

Buckets 'o blood I doth declare, is that a mop on your head or your scraggly hair?

Swords are sharp and clubs are blunt, your father's an ogre and your mother's a runt... (ha, betcha thought that one was goin South didncha?)

I met a young woman with hate on her mind, so I gave her drink and let her unwind. I asked why my dear are you so very blue, she said she just got through looking at you... Why again I asked, is that such a bother, because she replied he looks like his father.  And? I did query her words pulling me closer, because it's a fact, his father's an ogre...

2 pence, 6 pence 8 pence, a dollar, your ugly face would make a saint holler.

Sing a song of six pence a pocket full of rye, you've chosen to do battle so now you're going to die.  My armor's nice and shiny while yours is dingy brown, so I slice your outsides open and spill your innards on the ground.

Winner, Winner, *orc is what's for dinner!  *(orc can of course be replaced with virtually anything)


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## Dannyalcatraz (Jul 19, 2011)

(Inspired by the above...)

Copper, Silver, Gold and Platinum,
You've jowls so big a breeze would flap 'em.

Platinum, Gold, Silver and Copper,
Your beer-belly's quite the flopper.

Sapphire, Diamond, Emerald, Ruby,
Your drunk's red nose is quite protrudy.

Ruby, Emerald, Diamond, Sapphire,
Wasn't your mom a date for hire?

Mandolin or Harpsichord
Your oratory leaves all bored.

Harpsichord or Mandolin
Your ancestors all married kin.


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## TarionzCousin (Aug 7, 2011)

Dannyalcatraz said:


> With squinty eyes and hair so thin
> A wit war with me you think you'd win?
> You look the child of cousins mated
> Your wardrobe old, worn and dated
> ...



Nice. This would fit in well in most of Shakespeare's comedies.


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## Gulla (Aug 8, 2011)

I'm late to the party, I see  Still need some more?

I see thee and ask myself
does this orc look just like an elf?
A blushing face, a smile so meek
its chest so slim and arms so weak
with pansy weapon held up high
and knowing well its gonna die

Usable both against orcs and elfs, of course 

A brawny man before me stand
a puny weapon in his hand
with brains and power like a lizzard
Excuse me, _that's_ a mighty wizard?

What is the sound I hear so well
as subtle as an ogre's yell?
Who sneaks away there by the side?
Oh it's a rogue who tries to hide!

Behind the armor made of plate
a man who never had a date
a weakling stinking ancient yeast
is that supposed to be a priest?

Why are we facing this new threat?
we're heroes, we will challenge death!
But when I look down on this hobbit
I'd be more scare by mama's rabbit.


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