# Good Jokes about Elves, Dwarves, etc.



## ergeheilalt

Hi there folks,

I'm running a character with a bit of sarcastic look on the world who enjoys ruffling feathers. As such I've been looking for a few good jokes about the bread and butter of fantasy.  I'd like them to actually be funny.

Any good ones from you folks could suggest would be a big help.

Erge


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## Gez

Why did the elf cross the road?


Spoiler



The elf herself don't know.


How are called dwarven poets?


Spoiler



Oxymorons.


How many elves do you need to replace a candle?


Spoiler



A good thousand. One to sing the tale of the old, burned-out, candle. One to pretend that it didn't melt and evaporated away, but instead, faded to Arwaxor, the idyllic verdant afterlife of candles. One to remind everyone of the fabled Elven Candles of Old, who were sentient, artistical creatures whose eternal glow was not merely light, but also love, magic, wisdom, and soothing quietness. All the rest to randomly dance and prance meanwhile. Of course, the candle is never changed, but there's no hurry, anyway, since the elves believe they can wait still another millenia or two.


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## dontpunkme

so a dwarf, an elf, and a naked halfling go into a bar...


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## LoneWolf23

An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf, all old friends, are sitting at a tavern,
talking about the night they had with their wives...

The Human smirks as he says "Damn, but I had fun last night. ed
my wife good last night, about seven times... When we woke up this
morning, she told me she loved me and was going to make my favorite
meals all day.."

The Elf looks at him, then smirks and responds "Well, I only made love
four times to my wife last night, but each time was like a new extatic
experience.. When we awoke this morning, she said we'd spend the rest
of our days together and would surprise me again tonight.."

The Dwarf looks at them both and snorts, drinking his beer silently.
After an uncomfortable of being stared at by the other two, he finally
says "Fine, fine.. My wife and I had intercourse once last night."

The other two blink, until the Elf smirks and asks "Pray, tell us what
she said to you this morning.."

This time, the Dwarf smirks and says "She said.. Please, Honey, don't
stop now..."


Moral of this story: Dwarves may not be imaginative lovers, but when
you get a +2 to Constitution, you have a lot of staying power..


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## shilsen

A couple I've heard on these boards, so don't sue me:

Two dwarves walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

What is the noise of a dwarf god falling down the stairs? Clangeddin, Clangeddin, Clangeddin!


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## BiggusGeekus

A dwarf, an elf, and a half-orc were shipwrecked on a deserted island.  There they find a forgotten temple.  They make their way to the alterroom where they find a magical _ring of wishes_.  

The dwarf grabs the ring and says "Great!  Now I can get home!  *I wish I was back in the tavern at home surrounded by ale*"!

*poof* he's gone!

The elf grabs the ring and says "Finally, I can go home!  *I wish I was in the tree city, trading tales with the finest poets of our age!*"

*poof* he's gone!

The half-orc picks up the ring and says "I'm lonely now.  *I wish the other two guys were back here.*"


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## Gez

Most of these jokes are merely the same as old race/nationality/religion/sex/hair color jokes. Biggus' joke above, I heard it once before with three girls, a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. (Guess who's the one who wishes for the two other to come back...)

Take your favorite politically incorrect joke, and disguise them with a fantasy suit, here you are.


There was a compilation, though, of D&D jokes I saw once. You had a list of dwarven shots against the elves, and elven shots against the dwarves, labelled like "Dwarven problem with elves" or "elven problem with dwarves". And this was followed by:
"To bash an elf with a dwarf: Orcish solution. There is also a reverse, yet identical, variant."


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## Dirigible

What's the most effective contraceptive amongst dwarves?


Spoiler



Darkvision



 - - - 

So, the elven lady was entertaining her human lover with the forbidden arts of sensual Fey (hey, all those subraces gotta come from somehwere...), when she heard her elven husband return from a hard day at the tree mines. Quickly, she ushered the human into a secret door in the wall of her bed chamber. Her husband came up the stairs, and said, "Hello, my forest blossom," before getting into bed and going into Trance. The lady was petrified, certain that her husband would notice the secret door and discover her lover crouched behind it. Miraculously, he didn't.

The next day, the same thing happened; she hid her lover as her husband returned, and he somehow failed to spot the secret door.

After a few days, she began to grow jealous. It was _impossible_ that he found not see the secret door after passingby it so many times, so she began to think he didn't care she was having an affair. She decided to test whether he was still in love with her enough to be enraged at her infidelity.

The next day, as her husband lay down to go into Trance, she leaped up and rushed to the secret door, throwing it open and revealing the alarmed, guilty look man hiding there. "So! What do you think of that!" she cried.

Her husband nearly jumped out of his boots in shock, and said:


Spoiler



"I'm sorry, my love! He meant nothing to me, I swear"


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## Steverooo

Why are Dwarves broad, ruddy, and hairy?



Spoiler



Because is they were small, white, and smooth, they might be mistaken for aspirin.


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## Delgar

What do you call ten fairy's with wooden swords?





ELVES!!



Delgar


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## Kilmore

Said this one before some time ago.

A dwarf and two elves walk into a bar.  The waitress seats them and asks to take their order.  The dwarf growls: "I'll take a big thick fat bleeding rare steak!  And an ale!!"

The waitress says, "Fine, and what about the vegetables?"

The dwarf snarls, "They'll take the steak and ale too, and they'll LIKE IT!!"


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## Snapdragyn

An elf, a human, & a dwarf walk into a tavern. The elf orders a wine, the human orders a beer, & the dwarf orders an ale. The barkeep sets their drinks down before them, & each one notices a fly in his drink.

The elf frowns, turns up his nose, & pushes the glass away.

The human frowns, flicks the fly out of his beer, & starts drinking.

The dwarf frowns, carefully picks the fly out of his ale, & yells, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"


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## Angcuru

Snapdragyn said:
			
		

> The dwarf frowns, carefully picks the fly out of his ale, & yells, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"



ROFL!


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## SinisterMinister

Dwarf walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

Bartender says, "Hey, where'd ya get that thing?"

Parrot says, "The mountains. There's hundreds of 'em running around over there."


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## Steverooo

Two Dwarves voluntarily _walk_ out of a bar, before closing time, and...

HEY!  IT COULD HAPPEN!


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## buckstarr

I dont have much to add, 

But this is one of the best threads I've read in a long time. Love it. I will be using some of this in future adventures

Ok, Here's one. A dwarf was on a ship, and for entertaiment, a low level wizards starts to do some majic tricks. First he makes a coin disapear. " It's up his sleeve, It's up his sleeve" the dwarf yells. Wizard simply ignores the dwarf and suddenly pulls a rabbit out of thin air. "It was in his robes the whole time, I saw it earlier, what a fake" the dwarf yells. The wizards a little angry announces " for my final act I will perform the greatest majic feat you have ever seen" with that the Wizard start to chant, and all of a sudden by mear chance the ship is struck by lighting and is destroyed.

The only two survivors are the Wizard and the dwarf floating on a wooden door. For two whole days the dwarf and the wizard simply stare at each other, when finaly the dwarf says.

"OK, you win, what did you do with the boat" 

Not an original, but it's all I got.


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## Dimwhit

buckstarr said:
			
		

> "OK, you win, what did you do with the boat"




I don't know why I thought that was so funny, but I did.   

(And it may not be original, but I'd never heard it before...)


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## Nifft

Dwarf Joke: (answer in spoiler tags)

- How many elves does it take to replace a candle? 
--- 



Spoiler



Just one. Elves burn great.



 -- N


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## babomb

Here are the jokes Piratecat collected from the EN World boards a while back:
http://www.enworld.org/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=5659

"Did you here about the priests of the Dairy God? Apparently, they have the power to _churn_ undead."


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## Hand of Evil

Why do dwarfs have such big noses?



Spoiler



look at their fingers


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## kengar

I've got three:

An elf, a gnome, and a dwarf are in the tavern restroom relieving their bladders. The elf finishes first and goes to the washbasin. He scrubs his hands with soapy water clear up to the elbows and rinses them thoroughly. As he's drying his hands, he says to the other two gents, "We elves are taught to be clean and hygenic."

The gnome finishes next and goes to the washbasin. He dips his fingers into the water, wiggles them around a few moments, then shakes them off. As he is drying his his hands he say, "We gnomes are taught to conserve nature's resources."

The dwarf finishes last. He turns and walks straight past the other two towards the door. As he's leaving, he turns an says, "We dwarfs are taught not to p on our hands!"
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An elf walks into a bar. He announces to the crowd he's got 100gp for anyone who can drink ten pints of dwarven stout back to back. A hush falls over the room. Dwarven Stout is potent even by dwarf standards. The patrons seem intimidated by the challenge. One dwarf even leaves the bar. When no one accepts, the elf smiles & shrugs then sits down at the end of the bar.

A few minutes later, the dwarf who'd walked out comes back. He goes up to the elf and asks "Are you still offering the 100 gold to drink ten pints of stout in a go?" The elf nods and the dwarf smiles. "Fine!" he says, "Set 'em up!"

With much interest, the other patrons crowd around as the barkeep pours ten mugs of stout and lines them up in front of the dwarf. He reaches for the first mug and drains it in a gulp! One after the other he polishes off the tankards until he tips the last one up and finishes it off! The crowd cheers and the elf -looking impressed- hands over a pouch of gold. As the dwarf accepts his prize money, the barkeep asks him, "Here now. Why'd you take off like that earlier when he first offered the money?"

The dwarf replied, "Oh that! Well, I went over to the pub next door to first make sure I could do it!"
----
A gnome walks into a bar and orders three mugs of ale. He pays, sits quietly, drinks his drinks, then leaves. Over the next several nights he does the same thing each time. Finally the barkeep asks him, "Why do you order all three drinks at once? I'm happy to bring 'em to you one at a time, you know."

The gnome smiles, "It's sort of a family tradition. I have two brothers but we all live in different towns now. So whenever one of us goes out, we order drinks for all three of us. That way it's like we're drinking together."

The barkeep smiles "That's a nice idea." he says, and goes about his business. The gnome becomes a regular at the bar and the barkeep stops even thinking about it and just pours the gnome three drinks as a matter of course.

One night, several months later, the gnome comes in and sits down. As the barkeep goes to pour the ales, the gnome stops him "Just the two, I'm afraid."

Realizing what this must mean, the barkeep takes the two mugs to the gnome and says, "I'm terribly sorry. You're a good customer, so these is on the house."

The gnome looks confused "Why are you sorry?" he asks.

The barkeep points to the pair of drinks. "Well, there's only two. I assumed that meant something happened to one of your brothers."

The gnome smiles and shakes his head, "No no, they're both fine. It's just that I've given up drinking, you see."

(rimshot)


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