# [CoC] A Comedy of Cthulhu



## DM with a vengence (Apr 18, 2002)

These stories were originally posted in the d20 systems games, and then packed up and moved here under their own power.  Feel free to mock, harague or other wise harass the PCs.

A Comedy of Cthulhu

My group is playing college students at Miskatonic U. A sociology/enviormental major heard from a friend in the park service that the area around the small town of Dunwich was perfect for a little backpacking trip, and she managed to convince her friends to join her. 

Right now it is sunset at their small camp near a stream and largish hill, and everything is nice and quiet... 

Accomplishments 
-Deciding where to eat lunch on the drive up 
-Setting up camp 
-Building a fire 
-Killing a squirrel 

Downsides 
-Weapons 
We have 2 Desert Eagles, a 12 gauge shotgun, several combat knives and a woodaxe. 
I asked my group what they were taking, and this is what one person said. 

"Tent, raingear, flashlight, trail food, lots of water and water purification tablets, and an IMI .50 AE Desert Eagle." 

The most powerful handgun in the world for a camping trip. Seems he has a little OoC knowledge about what happens when young people go camping, too bad he doesn't know how little a gun will hurt a Mythos creature. Aheheheheheh...

And a continuation of the Dunwich Camping Trip 

After cooking dinner, the party retires to their tents. At about 11:30, the girls' tent wake up to find an old man with a shotgun looking into their tent. He says "Who ar you, this is my land you're trespassing on." The investigator who organized this little expedition grabs a hatchet from a bag and tries to chop his foot off. He scrambles backward and fires a shot, but his gun jams. 

Everybody is now up, and Marta (the person who organized this trip) looks out and sees the old man hiding behind a log. In a display of courage over prudence, she charges him with her hatchet. She misses, rolls a one, and has the hatchet stick in the log the man is hiding behind. The man fires, and neary takes her head off, but just misses. He calls out. "Boy, start shootin'" and dashes off into the woods. 

Marta survived the shotgun blast, but isn't so lucky this time. The whipcrack report of a rifle shot rings out and she crumples over as a shot hits her in the leg, dealing 9 points of damage and putting her at -2. Our medic (A pre-med student) dashes out and does first aid as Samuel, one one of our Desert Eagle wielders, goes out after the sniper. The snipers fires a shot over his head, and he hits the dirt, firing a shot from his monster pistol. The muzzel flash allows the sniper to target in on his position and take him out with one shot and a failed massive damage save. 

Meanwhile, Terry, our parapyschologist with a composite hunting bow and Saquina, armed with a knife and a flashlight, go out after the old man with the shotgun. Saquina wanders beyond his position, but Terry steps within 25'. The old man fires, and jams his gun again! Terry scrambles up a tree and attempts to shop him, but fails. Terry finally find the man crouching behind another tree, and attemps a shot. He rolls a 1, missing and revealing the position. He jumps down as the old man blasts his position with the shotgun. Sequina, now a hundred feet away, hears the blast and turns back towards camp. 

Back at camp, Jessica, who was helping our medic in treating Marta, decides to go find Samuel. The sniper takes another shot at her as she hit dirt near his body, makes her sanity check, and grabs his Desert Eagle. 


God how I hate having to play for 30 minutes at lunch. For updates on Monday, and possibly in Storyhour.

It's Monday and that means another installment in... 

The Dunwich Camping Trip (con’t) 

Action started with, John, our second Desert Eagle wielder. He ran into the woods, located the old man and fired, blasting a gaping wound into his chest. One enemy down, one to go. Meanwhile, our medic made it out of the tent with Marta’s shotgun and fired blindly in the general direction of the sniper, barely even hitting the ground. Saquina snuck around down towards the sniper, staying well out of his line of fire. Jessica, her decision swayed by Samuel’s dead body lying near her, decided to hunker down and pop the sniper if he moved by her. The archer retook a position in a tree and tried to find the sniper for a long-range shot. The sniper, homing in on the medic’s muzzle flash fired at her, and missed by inches. 

John walked through the wood towards the sniper, but unfortunately stepped on a tree branch, which broke with a loud crack. The medic ran for cover and dived behind a fallen log. Saquina continued her long hook around and behind the sniper’s position, and Jessica remained in her hollow. The sniper, able to locate anyone but John, fired at him and missed. 

John, locating the sniper’s position, took off at a crouched jog across the field, ending only 20 feet away in plain sight. Saquina ended her hike and found herself a mere 40 feet behind the sniper, but she decided to wait until next round so as to close to point blank range and take him out with one shot. Neither the archer nor Jessica were moving, and it seemed like someone was going to get killed when the medic stepped out from behind cover and fired. Since she had no idea where he was, she need to roll to see in she guessed the right location. 

Roll for location-20 
Roll for hit-20 
Roll to confirm critical-17 
Roll to negate concealment-16 
Roll for damage-11 
Roll for massive damage-5 

And the buzzer sounds. 
Investigators-2, Cultists-1.5 

After searching the bodies, they found on the man a strange and insanely written letter signed by someone called H’ch-Pi-El, and near the sniper they found a bag with two strange red robes with pointed caps, a knife, and a puppy. They decided to takes the sniper’s M1 Garand rifle and ammo, and leave the rest. After rigging an impromptu litter with a sleeping bag and some sticks, they carried Marta back to the car, leaving 3 unburied bodies, a shotgun, and most of their camping supplies. 

The drove to Arkham Hospital, and put Marta in the trauma ward while the archer (parapsychology) and Saquina borrowed the medic pass and performed blood tests on the puppy, who they thought might have some sort of bio-engineered disease due to some clues in the letter. Meanwhile John and the medic were sitting in the waiting room when a police officer walked in and said. “Are you connected with Marta Woodham. I have some questions for you…”


The Dunwich Camping Trip (Part 3) 

Marta regained consciousness in the hospital in the hospital, and asked the nurse to send some of her friends in. 

The Bill, parapyschologist, and Saquina read over the letter once more while waiting for the tests to complete. Some sort of strange sign had developed on the letter, but both made their sanity checks. 

Meanwhile, Nikki, our medic was desperately trying to explain what exactly went on to involve Marta (and Samuel) getting shot. She spun a story where they were caught in a crossfire between two groups, and how in their defense of themselves Marta and Samuel were shot. He almost bought it, but asked in he could take a look at their car. Nikki tried to pass the keys to John, so that while she and the officer looked for the car, John would take the guns out and throw them in the Miskatonic. However the police officer spotted them and called them on it. 

Just them the nurse came in and said that Marta wanted to see her friends, so Nikki and John dashed in leaving Jessica to deal with the police officer. Nikki filled Marta in on what had happened, and Marta recommended that as soon as she was out of the hospital, everybody should flee to Mexico or Canada. 

*I apologize for the shortness of this session, but most of it was spent with everybody yelling about what they were going to do. And of course they invariably picked the worst way to go about it. Their hanky-panky with the police officer only served to antagonize him, and there are 3 dead bodies, 2 of which can be traced to guns in their possession, right next to a campsite with equipment bearing their names, addresses and phone numbers.


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## DM with a vengence (Apr 18, 2002)

At this point, John decided that the puppy must DIE!  He finagled a security pass from a guard and proceeded into the secured testing area of the facility.  There he found Saquina and David, with Saquina holding the now tested perfectly ordinary puppy.  He walked up, and tried to disarm her the puppy, but failed.  She pulled her silenced pistol and threatened him with a good shooting if he tried that again.  He disregarded her warning, and won an opposed disarm check to grab the gun away from her.  Panting with the effort, he stepped back and pointed it at her.  “Now give me the puppy or I’ll shoot it in your arms.”

David, who was unarmed, decided that the best course of action would be to dive behind a heavy piece of equipment out of the line of fire.  Saquina screamed.  Seconds later a security guard burst into the room.  He looked at Saquina, armed with a frightened puppy, and John, armed with a silenced automatic.  He drew his gun and aimed at John, screaming something along the lines of.  “Put the goddamn gun down or I’ll ----ing blow your ----ing brains out.”  John made no action as the security officer took a moment to call for backup.

Outside in the parking lot, the police officer escorting Jessica to the car suddenly turned at a radio message, drew his gun, and ran into the hospital.

Confronted with the police and security, John decided to surrender.  He dropped his gun, stating that “I would like to sorta fire it on the way down so maybe I could hit one of them.”  The gun fired when it hit the floor, just as he had planned.  Unfortunately, he hadn’t accounted for the random factor of aim.  He shot himself in the foot.  David came out of hiding, took a moment to fieldstrip the pistol, and then smacked John upside the head, putting him at two hitpoints.  As the police officer approached with handcuffs, he flung himself into the wall, striking his head and knocking him out.

John woke up in a cell, head wrapped in gauze.  He groaned “I want to die.”
A low rumble came from the top bunk. “Shut up.”
John spat back.  “Eh, **** you.”
The man rumbled back, “I will.”  He swung himself down off the top bunk. “My name’s Bubba, and I’m in here for Rape, Sodomy, and Pedophilia.  Now bend over…”

*Social Consciousness note.
Folks, we’ve had lots of laughs today, but prison rape is no laughing matter.  It could happen to you, if your were dumb enough to betray your party and then try blast your way out of every situation.  Just remember that prisoners named Bubba are people too.

*Q&A
The player of Marta explained her reasoning to me.  “When you wake up in the middle of the night to find a creepy old man with a shotgun in your tent, your first instinct is to go for your weapon and attack him.”  I think that if you find someone with a gun near you, you should give them the utmost respect, but that’s just me.

The players went camping because I said they did, it seemed like a good way to get the campaign started, although on second thought, not really.


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## Darklance (Apr 18, 2002)

Was that not a tad rash? He had a point...they were trespassing.


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## keb (Apr 18, 2002)

Now this is novel ... a CoC adventure where the PCs go insane *before* they meet the monsters.


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## Rackhir (Apr 18, 2002)

Yeah, what a clueless bunch of yahoos. They obviously don't know anything about CoC. I mean Shezsh! Guns, how useless... Dynamite and maybe napalm is the ONLY way to go. So disapointing to see such a basic lack of understanding...


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## Horacio (Apr 18, 2002)

Welcome to the psychokiller-investigators story hour


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## The Furious Puffin (Apr 18, 2002)

> At this point, John decided that the puppy must DIE!




Why oh why oh why?

It's a puppy. The bit about the armed with a slience automatic and armed with a frightened puppy is clever however.


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## Angelsboi (Apr 18, 2002)

oh my god Vengence.  You movd them!!  LOL your group is too funny!!


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## DM with a vengence (Apr 19, 2002)

The Furious Puffin said:
			
		

> *
> 
> Why oh why oh why?
> 
> It's a puppy. The bit about the armed with a slience automatic and armed with a frightened puppy is clever however.  *




Because John is one of those people that always play the same alignment, even in a game without alignment.

Chaotic Stupid

One campaign, he started out as an LN Monk.  His character died after he stole alchemist's fire from the party, and then ran into a goblin ambush running away.  

Next character was a Barbarian.  When the party was crossing a swamp in a small boat, he tried to A) Steal the boat when they were camped on an island and B) flip the boat over with everybody in it.

After landing on an island with a council of evil mages, he decided to steal the artifact placed in the center of the mages' circle.
And I quote.  "They're wizards, how much can they hurt me."

Quite a lot, as the burned, cursed, held, insane, instantly dead, jellyfish that was formerly his character found out.

Next character, an Elven ranger, while hiking through the wood near evening, the party decides to make camp and wait the night because they can't get to town before darkness and don't want to be surprised in the woods.  His character, the only one with any sort of woodcraft, says "Screw you all, I'm going to town." And takes off.

The ranger meets a pack of wolves and gets eaten alive.

So in closing, I think he tried to kill the puppy because the other didn't want him too.

By the way, no updates for some time, as events conspire to make it more or less impossible for us to play for a week.

But make fun of them anyway.


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## The Furious Puffin (Apr 19, 2002)

*Comforts DM with a vengence*

That is somewhat dire! 

 

I mean, well, just, ergh, I am totally speechless in the face of *that* litany

However, I certainly cannot wait for the rest of it  Assuming of course it's going to happen!

Edit: Typo


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## Horacio (Apr 19, 2002)

Only a question...

Why do you still play wiith such a  ,   person?


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## (contact) (Apr 19, 2002)

Call of Cthulu.  Your players:  "Kill it!".

D&D.  Your players:  "Kill it!"

Exalted.  Your players:  "Kill it!"

Sailor Moon RPG.  Your players:  "Kill it!"

-----

I didn't think the beer & pretzels lunchtime CoC game could be done!  Funny.

(pointing at DM w/a vengance's players)  Ha, ha!


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## Rune (Apr 19, 2002)




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## DM with a vengence (Apr 19, 2002)

Horacio said:
			
		

> *Only a question...
> 
> Why do you still play wiith such a     person? *




Why would I not play with such a happy, smiling person?

Oh, wait, those are bleeped out swear words.

I have no clue, but rest assured that for the rest of the game he will be forced to play his character as a "Prison B*tch". Maybe we'll have a brief interlude for a trial for possession of illegal firearms, evading arrest, assualt with a deadly weapon and anything else I can think of.


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## Horacio (Apr 19, 2002)

DM with a vengence said:
			
		

> *
> 
> Why would I not play with such a happy, smiling person?
> 
> ...




If he don't learn with that, he will never learn. 

But yet, I don't understan why you play with him...


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## Marta (Apr 21, 2002)

it really looks so much worse when it's written down...


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## Horacio (Apr 21, 2002)

I'd love to read your version


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## DM with a vengence (Apr 25, 2002)

*Trial and Error*

Trial and Error
At the joint bequest of the group, we decided to conduct John's trial today.  After a few days of unpleasant experiences with Bubba, he went up on trial for possession of an illegal firearm, assault with a deadly weapon, and evading arrest.  He immediately pleaded insanity, hoping that that would remove him from his private hell of Bubba.  The court decided to let him see a pyschologist, Dr. Smiley (Note: This is not the Dr. Smiley from the CoC book, its just some one with a similar sounding name and occupation, not a Shuggoth Lord at all).

At the office he proceeded to tell a long story about how aliens with mind control devices were out to get him and he needed to wear tinfoil to protect himself.  Then he tried to slit his wrists with a dull letter opener.  After a quick macing (for his own good), he was dragged back into court on the next day, where Dr. Smiley pronounced him suicidally insane.  He was rapidly carted off to the Arkham Home for the Criminally Insane, where he roleplayed himself in a straitjacket in a padded room for 10 minutes of RL time.

RPG Rule 1) Do not f*** with The Game. The Game is holy.


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## Victim (Apr 25, 2002)

keb said:
			
		

> *Now this is novel ... a CoC adventure where the PCs go insane *before* they meet the monsters.  *




No, the PCs are the monsters.  

This has to be one of the funniest sotry hours ever.  It reminds of the time when we played ourselves in ALternity, and one character went crazy.  What a waste of gaming session.


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## Horacio (Apr 25, 2002)

Hey,  DM with a vengence, you use a post mine as signature!
I'm flattered


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## DM with a vengence (Apr 26, 2002)

*Stark Raving Mad*

*Your welcome, a writer always takes a good blurb.  Would you like your name on it or not?

Unfortunantly, with John in a mentel institution, they act a lot less stupid.  Oh well, that's life.

Stark Raving Mad

While John’s trial was going on, the rest of the party decided to attend a heavily advertised rave in the woods outside of Arkham starring “DJ Twitch and the MGs”.  After about an hour of standard techo, where Nikki decided to take ecstasy, DJ Twitch took the stand, and began to play a weird, humming beat that seemed to invade their minds.  Everybody except for Nikki (who was too whacked to take an action) ran for their van, where they turned on country-western music at full volume, clearing the rave from their heads.

After a few minutes of discussion, Marta decided to drive the van into the crowd to search for Nikki.  She drove the edge of the tightly packed dancing mass, but could get no further.  Her efforts thwarted, she decided to leave Nikki there and pick her up in the morning.  She turned the van around and everybody went back to the dorm.  When they arrived, a strange blue light filled the entire upper floor of the 3-story building.  They grabbed their guns and flashlights, and moved into the dorm.

The entire building was empty because most of the students were at the rave, dancing and drugging the night away, they sneaked up the stairway to the door leading into the top floor.  Very carefully, David turned the knob.  They saw the ground floor lobby of the dorm.  David, identifying this as some sort of gate, tossed a few small objects into it.  He then went back down and checked the lobby; all of the objects were there.  He went back up, told everybody of his discoveries, he jumped through.  When I told him he had lost sanity and gained a rank in Cthulhu Mythos, they all decided to go through because, “Gaining ranks in Cthulhu Mythos, that’s a good thing.”

The inside of the portal was not black, white, teal, or any color.  If it could be described, it was a sort of gray that was colder than the vacuum of space.  Like water, the brain flash boiled as tendril of nothing caressed its outer surface.  The gateway lasted for a moment of infinity before they were dumped onto the lobby, shaking.  Saquina fell to the ground and curled up in a feotal position, reacting to nothing.  Marta put a sweater on her as the investigators discussed their next options.  David felt a strange tingle in his pocket, and pulled out the letter that he had recovered from the dead man in the woods.  He opened it up, the strange sign and all of the words were picked out in a unhealthy blue glow.  Saquina recovered, and they went back up to the top of the staircase and carefully pushed the letter through the gateway.  Suddenly….

And the bell rung.

I don’t plan it this way, but right before something big is going to happen, the bell always rings and I always get to delay whatever I was going to do until Monday. Hehehehehehe


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## Horacio (Apr 26, 2002)

*Re: Stark Raving Mad*



			
				DM with a vengence said:
			
		

> **Your welcome, a writer always takes a good blurb.  Would you like your name on it or not?
> *




Why not? Yes, you can put my name 

So I was sure they'd have learnt something, but it seems they are still in a rather foolish mood


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## DM with a vengence (Apr 28, 2002)

*Happy Dreams*

Happy Dreams

The Portal flared white, there was a blast of air, and then everything went black.

The investigators (minus Nikki, who was still at the rave), came to on the landing below the Portal, with painful busies all around.  They picked themselves up, checked for broken bones, and then realized that David was gone.  Marta ran downstairs to the lobby, and found it empty.  Saquina looked up, and realized that the door where the Portal was was back to normal, and the portal had disappeared.  They searched the entire dorm for an hour, finding no trace of David.

“Whaaaaa!”  David suddenly fell from a height of 4 feet onto the carpeting of the 
dorm’s floor.  The letter burst into flame and burnt to a crisp in his hand, he dropped it before he got more than slightly blistered.  Behind him, a black plane covered the doorway into the stairs.  From one of the corridors, a male voice called.  “Weatherwax, is that you?  Room 325.”
David advanced to Room 325, and looked through the partially open door.  Two men in red robes with pointy red hats were watching a small television.  The picture appeared to be of a rave somewhere in the woods.  One of the men looked up, “Hey, you aren’t Weatherwax!”  He swirled his arms in strange pattern, chanting _“Fg’rafw Tyn’bxeas Yog Sothoth!”_.  A bolt of energy struck David in the chest, and he fell to the ground and pretended to be dead.  The other man said, “He’s gone, lets continue.”

David opened his eyes a crack, and saw on the television a mist cover the rave, the cloud was lit by lasers and glowsticks from within, suddenly everything went gray.  “Good, it is finished.” The first man concluded, standing up and taking off his robe.

Nikki awoke on the field, but it felt wrong.  Instead of the grass the rave had been held on, the ground was dark gray dirt.  If she looked closely, she could see patterns of lines in the dirt, like blades of grass.  She stood up, and took in where she was.  The trees had been replaced with columns of granite, wreathed in smoke.  Above the sky was covered in a white mist, but peaking through like a hideous perversion of the sky were patches of a black deeper than interstellar space.  The DJ stand and lights were still there, but instead of a DJ, the stand was occupied by something that looked like a cross between a giant bird, fly and tree slime, carrying an object that looked like an old camera.  Ravers began to stand up and groan at where they were.

“Hello humans.” The thing said in a strange buzzing tone.  “I am Srrc’lareth GYO, leader of this expedition.  You have been selected to take part in an experiment concerning the nature of this place, which your arcanists call the Dreamlands.  Myself and the rest of my team will observe how this reality affects your minds.  We will protect you the physical dangers of this place, although you must protect yourself from the mental dangers.”  It gave a high buzzing laugh that sounded like an unbalanced electric motor.  Suddenly, the trees to the west lit up with flashes of light, and a large arachnid creature jumped into the clearing and ripped a few of the closest ravers to shreds before Srrc’lareth GYO pinned it a bolt of lightening from the camera-like objects. “That is one of the minors dangers here.”  It said gleefully.


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## Victim (Apr 28, 2002)

Umm, they don't see to be doing that great of a job protecting people from the physical dangers.



> *large arachnid creature jumped into the clearing and ripped a few of the closest ravers to shreds before Srrc’lareth GYO pinned it a bolt of lightening from the camera-like objects*


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## DM with a vengence (May 2, 2002)

Nikki picked up a small pebble from the ground.  “I need to get out of here.”  She said, drawing a door in the air with the rock.  She stepped through, and out onto the other side of her doorway.  “Maybe I need one of those warp portal things.”  She drew an intricate warp portal just like the one she had seen from the 3rd floor to the lobby.  She stepped through with no effect.  She then decided to create a set of pencils and pens to make more detailed objects, and a sword and dagger for protection against the arachnids.

David leapt up, one of his Ka-bar combat knives springing into his hand.  One of the cultists tried to cast a spell, but David attacked as the cultist was concentrating, and disrupted the arcane energy.  The other cultist reached for a holstered revolver, and David kicked it out of his hands, sending it scuttling under a desk.  David and the cultist dove for the gun, and David got it first.  He fired at pointblank range and blasted a hole in the cultist’s chest.  He then whirled up and pointed the gun at the spellcaster.  “All right, buddy.  What where you doing up here?”
“Yog-Sothoth take your soul!”  The cultist grunted, clutching at the deep wound in his side.
“Tell me, or die.”  David said, drawing a bead on the cultists head.
 “Never!”  the cultist screamed in defiance.
“You had your chance.”  David fired, the bullet ripping through the cultist neck.  Blood and gore covered the room, the carpet was a sea of red from the two gaping bullet holes.
“Awww f’ck. I’m connected with two more murders!”  David said, sticking the gun in his waistband.

Saquina booted up her computer and did an internet search for DJ Twitch and the MJs.  Nothing.  A search for raves near Arkham.  Nothing.  It was like the rave had never existed.

Marta, Jessica, and Jacob (Samuel’s replacement) piled in the van and drove to the rave, looking for Nikki.  The site where the rave was was empty, without a single waterbottle or dieing glowstick to mark its location.  As they traced their way to where the DJ booth had been, a man wearing a beige trenchcoat jumped out at them and fell to their feet.  “Oh my God!  Sweet baby Jesus!  It was horrible, they’re all gone! All of them!  The mists! The horrible cyclopean eldritch purple mists from beyond time!  And then _They_ came.  Oh God!”
He would react to nothing, and so the investigators shoved him in the van and drove to the Arkham police station.

“Hello, I’m Marta Woodham and I wood like to turn some one in and file a missing person report.”
“Okay.”  The bored night officer said.
“First off, I have a friend at the rave near town, DJ Twitch and the MGs, and when I went to pick her up, she wasn’t there, along with the rave.  The only thing we found there was him.”  She gestured at the babbling man, who was sitting in the waiting room next to Jessica and Jacob.
“Ah yes, that would be ‘Primo-Greeno’ Dibbler, our local drug dealer.  We’ve never been able to pin him down, but with the evidence on him he’ll be going away for a long time.  Thank you.  Now about that missing person?”
Marta gave the officer Nikki’s information, and they proceeded to a the local occult bookstore, the Arkham Arcanist.

“So what do you want? You don’t look like one of our usual customers.”  The goth chick (sluttiness irrelevant to storyline) looked up from painted her nails.
Marta looked at the trio of pale skinned, heavily mascara’ed, psuedo-vampires gathered around a book of depressing poetry in the corner and the wild-eyed gray-haired druid sorting herbs against the wall, and then at her ordinary street clothing.  “I’m looking for anything about disappearances of large groups of people and anything about spells that could bring them back”
“Spells over there, but I’m warning you none of them really work.”  The druid glared at the clerk.  “Except to true believers of course.”  She added hurriedly. “Disappearances over there.  We also stock supplies for the spells that won’t work you.”
The investigators looked over the books, the most interesting one was about the USS Eldridge


> As salty old yarns go, the Philadelphia Experiment, or. As it is sometimes referred to, Project Rainbow, sits atop the rigging of nautical weirdness like a defiant Albatross. Roy Bainton reopens the records. Additional material by Mark Pilkington
> 
> The story, as it is usually told, goes something like this: in the autumn of I943, the US Navy carried out a series of scientific tests at the Philadelphia Navy Yard and out at sea. The 'science' involved Einstein's incomplete 'Unified Field Theory' (l). The initial aim was to render ships invisible to enemy radar. At 0900 hours on 22 October, [or 14 August depending on which source you use (2)], the Cannon class destroyer USS Eldridge, (DE I73), fitted with something called a 'Time-Zero Generator' and four electromagnetic generators, was engulfed in a greenish, hazy cloud. Before the assembled eyes of the Navy's top brass, the vessel vanished. Amazingly, the shape of the ship's hull could still be seen as a hollow in the water. Twenty minutes passed, and to everyone's mystified relief, the Eldridge re-appeared.
> 
> ...




  “Hey this is an occult bookstore, not a friggin lending library. Are you going to buy that or will we use our mystical powers to stun you and then drink your blood?”
Marta slapped down the $20 price for the book and left, trailed by the two others.

*Marta, sorry about not including the library scene, but I think this is enough for now. Right?


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## Horacio (May 2, 2002)

They begin to search in libraries and bookshops, maybe they begin to understand CoC


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## DM with a vengence (May 3, 2002)

David put on gloves, put a new change of clothes in his car and went back to room 325 (the room the cultists had been using).  There he meticulously removed his fingerprints from anything he might have touched and cleaned up a little.  Then took off the gloves, drove to a Carl’s Jr. on the wrong side of the tracks in Arkham, and dumped the knife and pistol into the dumpster out back.  He then drove to the other side of the city and changed, then he set fire to his clothing and the gloves and went to the Miskatonic Library to see if he could find anything on fooling a polygraph test and forensic science.  The library was closed at this time (3:30 in the morning) and so he sat on the front steps waiting for it open.

Jacob and Jessica decided to go to sleep at their respective apartment and dorm room.

Marta and Saquina also decided to go to the library where they met David on the front steps.  At around 4:00, a young man showed up.  “Hmm, looks like this is becoming a popular place to hang out.  I’m Assistant Librarian Nibbur.  Just give me a moment to open up.”  He unlocked the library, and they went in.  David took off toward the criminology section while Marta pestered the librarian.  “Where do you have books on the occult?”
“Down that way.”  He pointed, and gave her a Dewey decimal number.  “And if you’re looking for occult books, those would be in the restricted section.”
“Can you get me into there?” Marta asked.
“You need a bunch of signatures, the Dean of Parapsychology, Head of the Archeology Department, and several others.  I don’t think you’re authorized.”
“Damn.”  Marta and Saquina left to take a look at the door down to the restricted section.  It was a large steel piece, with five key locks, 2 combination locks, and a small sign over the door.  “Warning, Trespassers will go insane and be eaten by Horrors from Beyond the Realm of Space and Time.”
“Great, just great.”  Marta said.
“I have an idea, you go check out the regular books, I’ll go have a talk with the librarian.” Saquina said, heading back.

The ordinary occult section of the Miskatonic Library was pretty similar to the books in the Arkham Arcanist.  UFOs, Bermuda Triangle, some spells.  Marta’s eye fell upon a manila folder stuff in among the books and took it out.  On the front was drawn a strange symbol like a wavy pentagram with a little squiggly bit in the middle.  Under it was the title  “Essays on the Necrocromicom, by Henry Polstrom Loehar.”
“Hmm, this looks interesting….”

“Hey, Mr. Librarian, how about if I do a favor for you, you do a favor for me.” Saquina said.
“What kind of favor… oh.”  Nibbur said, looking at her expression.

_15 minutes later (hey, he’s not very good._
After making sweet, sweet love* between the bookshelves, Saquina asked the librarian, “So, now can you get me into the restricted section?”
Nibbur stood up putting his pants back on.  “The problem is I don’t really have access myself, but maybe if you call the head librarian, he can give you access.  Here’s his number.”
“Thanks, can I use a library phone?”  Saquina asked.
“Of course.”  Nibbur said as his darted around a corner.
Saquina dialed the number.  After a few rings, she got an answering machine.  “Halt, caller.  You have reached the sound mailbox of Elan Nibbur, he is currently on a mission of galactic importance, but will contact you when he deactivates his cloaking field.  Leave you message after the laser cannon barrage.”  There was brief sound clip of laser and explosions, and then a beep.
“Why that little…  I’m going to wring his scrawny neck.”  Saquina screamed, looking for the diappeared Elan Nibbur.

*DMs note, this player always tries to gain something through sexual favors, every single game.  It seems like her first instinct is not to pull a gun, but to drop her pants.  I could tell you stories about the time she became a prostitute to get enough gold for that +1 rapier, but that would upset Eric’s Grandmother, so no.


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## Horacio (May 3, 2002)

ROFLOL again and again!


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## The Furious Puffin (May 3, 2002)

DM with a vengence said:
			
		

> **DMs note, this player always tries to gain something through sexual favors, every single game.  It seems like her first instinct is not to pull a gun, but to drop her pants.  I could tell you stories about the time she became a prostitute to get enough gold for that +1 rapier, but that would upset Eric’s Grandmother, so no. *






Are any of your players not idiots? I mean, my god, I mean, are any of your playes not insane? I mean we have Chaotic stupid man, and now Miss Love-bunny? 

Whre do you get these people 

That is still the funniest thing I have ever heard though.

Hmmmm, seeing you tendancy to ensure that the insane nut-bins are getting done over this time, are you sure that you are not out for revenge.


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## Marta (May 3, 2002)

Yeah, generally speaking our party is pretty idiotic, but I'm happy to report I have not done anything chaotic stupid or anything like "Ms. Love-Bunny"....although a new saying among our party is now "at least we didn't roleplay it" in response to the interesting events with the librarian....well, at least there's only 2 ways this will end: 1) we all die or 2) at least one of us succeeds...right now #1 is looking more likely...


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## dosdavid (May 3, 2002)

*this happens every time we play*

this happens in every game, john always tries to kill everyone, then someone slaps him up side the head (the coc book usualy) and then we skip a few of turns. and for those of you who wonder why we play with such a waist of life, have to remeber that there are just some people who dont get that they are hated, but he is always a good laugh, like the time he wanted to be a tarask, that worked oh so well
john:i trie and wake up
dm: you fale
john: are you sure
dm: yes im sure, terasks sleep for 100reds of years at a time
john: are you sure, i dont think so i think i sould be able to wake up
group: shut up, its not even your turn!

i do very much a agree with marta, it looks a lot worse when its writen down


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## DM with a vengence (May 4, 2002)

Marta said:
			
		

> *Yeah, generally speaking our party is pretty idiotic, but I'm happy to report I have not done anything chaotic stupid like Ms. Love Bunny... (etc.)*




And I draw your attention to the incident where she attack a man armed with a shotgun with a hatchet, and then charged him with that hatchet after she missed and he ran for cover.

Nothing Chaotic Stupid.  Yeah, right.


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## Teedoff101 (May 5, 2002)

Our group is probably the most absent minded DnD group ever assembled.  As you have already heard I play the  "chaotic stupid" alignment charcters as given the name by our DM.  He is actually a great DM and I thank him for providing us with these great and hilarious campaigns.  I am trying to be less "chaotic stupid" however everything I do ends up in me being: A)Killed B)Put in Jail C)Being forced to play a new character or D)The entire party revolting against my actions.  I cant figure out why they try to bring me down and I dont know if I ever will.  What I can say is their actions against me always lead to the funniest moments we've had.  I am trying to get better and seem to play the best character for the first 20-50 turns.  Then my mind seems to go into a state of paranoia and I need to do something completely irrational.  I have thought about DMing a campaign but I dont have the time to actually create one so I will play as a PC.  DnD has lead to the funniest moments in school and the game sessions always end in histerics.  Here is an example of one of our club sessions proctored by the coolest teacher in school: One of the players plays as a Japenese man with a pet Tenuki.  A Tenuki is a mystical creature that can turn into anything it is asked to by the player that controls it.

DM: You walk through the gate and end up on the top of a soaring building.  A man comes up to you and says "Welcome to the Empire State Building"
Player: I take out my sword and stab him in the stomach, kick him off my sword and off the building.
DM: You successfully stab, and kick the man off the building.  You hear the sound of "Splat" lightly from the ground below.
Player: I have my Tenuki change into a Japenese tourist with a large camera and have him take a picture.  (All the people in the room burst out in laughter)
DM:  You receive 100 X.P. for successfully playing your character.

This is a sample of one of our gaming sessions and I will post more funny situations as they come up.  To post again...

Teedoff101


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## Marta (May 5, 2002)

Hey!  Yes, I  know what I did seemed chaotic stupid, but it wasn't!  I can completely justify it!  How would you feel if you were in a tent, with all girls, in the woods, in the middle of the night and you wake up to see a crazy man standing in your tent holding a gun barrel to your head?  I think I acted pretty rationally considering the circumstances....


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## DM with a vengence (May 5, 2002)

Note on the above.

This was in a campiagn I had designed to be Chaotic Stupid (the party burnt down a town before the incident described) and the character in question was a 16th level rogue/yakuza.

16th level characters can do just about anything the hell they want to, not 1st level investigators.


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## Horacio (May 5, 2002)

Marta said:
			
		

> *Yeah, generally speaking our party is pretty idiotic, but I'm happy to report I have not done anything chaotic stupid or anything like "Ms. Love-Bunny"....although a new saying among our party is now "at least we didn't roleplay it" in response to the interesting events with the librarian....well, at least there's only 2 ways this will end: 1) we all die or 2) at least one of us succeeds...right now #1 is looking more likely... *




You forget number three :
3) You all finish completly and mad taking electroshock treatment at the local Arkam Asylum


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## Teedoff101 (May 5, 2002)

Yeah that 3rd option is bound to come into play sooner or later.  The group has fun although we arent the best DnD players and therefore we keep playing.  Soon to post more...

Teedoff101


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## DM with a vengence (May 6, 2002)

After completing the investigation on how to fool a lie detector.  David went to his room and threw a bunch of stuff in a box, then he carried the box up to the 3rd floor, opened up room 325, saw the bodies on the floor and dropped the stuff, spilling clothing and books across the bloodstained carpet.  Then he started to panic, ran down to his room, and called 911.
“Hello, Arkham Emergency Assistance.”
“Oh my God!”  David sobbed into the phone, “There’s been a double murder at the Kensingwood Dorm at Miskatonic University.  I walked in on them and they were dead!  Dead!”
“It’s all right sir, a police squad will be there right away.  But first, what room was it?”
“Room 325.”
‘Thank you, and where are you?”
“I’m in me room, but I’ll go out to the plaza.  Goodbye.”  David sighed, a rumpled his clothing a little before he walked out to the plaza.
A few minutes later, two patrol cars pulled up, sirens wailing.  Four cops jumped out, three of them rushed up the stairs, and the last one walked over to David and sat down beside him.  “What did you see.”  He said, taking out a tape recorder.
“I was going to deliver a box of stuff to them, but when I opened the door they were dead.”
“Who was dead?”  The cop asked.
“Terry and Hugh, those were the guys I was giving the stuff to, they said to give it to them in that room.”  David said, remembering the names from their driver’s licenses he had gotten from their wallets.
“Did you touch anything in the room?” The cop continued
“No. I did drop the box I was carrying on the floor.”  David answered.  The cop clicked off his tape recorder and stood up.  “Hey, could you, uh take me too my room.”  David asked.  “My legs are sorta not working right now.  I think I’m going to bed.”

David saw Kensingwood from the air, a green fog was billowing out of the windows and spreading across the campus, across New England, America, the Northern Hemisphere, the world, his view zooming outwards until he was in space.  Suddenly Earth, now a light green marble, disappeared, leaving a just a slightly thinner bit of vacuum.  He realized that he was breathing nothing, his blood began to boil, his lungs to freeze-dry, his eyes started to expand, he could feel the pressure building up from the inside.  In seconds his eyes would explode and he would die.  The cornea broke and he woke up in bed, in a freezing sweat.  By the clock he had been asleep ten minutes, yet it felt more like 10 years.  He put on some clothing, and went upstairs.

The doorway to the 3rd level was being guarded by a man in a brown suit with sunglasses and an earbug.  He looked at David walking up the stairs in a T-shirt and pajama bottoms.
“Hey, dude, could I like get my stuff.” David asked, playing the teenager angle for all it was worth.
“Sir, your stuff is now part of a federal crime scene.  It will be returned to you at the end of the investigation, and you will be reimbursed for your time.”  The agent said.
“But like, dude, I need my stuff.” David pleaded
“Tough, now leave before I am forced to remove you.”  The agent threatened.
David backed off, went downstairs and took a shower.  He changed into a suit and tie, combed his hair back, and grabbed a notebook and camera, then he went back upstairs.
“David Chaise.”  He said, flashing his driver’s license.  “I’m a parapyschologist.  I got a call from a couple of students that there was some sort of portal effect in the stairwell.  I’m here to check it out.”
“Mr. Chaise, this is a federal crime scene, I am afraid that you are authorized to be here.  Now leave.  These murders supersede any call a student might have made.”  Suddenly something exploded on the top floor, the agent turned, and dashed up the stairs and down the corridor.

Marta joined Saquina at the checkout desk.  “What happened?”
“Little bastard set me up.”  Saquina growled.  “I have to talk to him. We need that access to the restricted section.”

They found him standing on a balcony about 20 feet above them, carrying an armload of books.  “Stay away!” He warned.  “I’ll throw these!”
“Elan, we need to talk.”  Saquina called up.
“I don’t want to talk about our relationship! You’re too clingy!  I think we should see other people!”  He panicked, and tossed the books down missing them by a dozen feet before he ran off.”
One of the books fell open on a picture of a Roman Frieze, and for a moment Saquina though she saw the strange sign she had seen on the letter in the pattern of slaves doing labor on a Roman farm.  “Whoa, strange.”


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## DM with a vengence (May 7, 2002)

David snuck into the hallway behind the agent.  A group of technicians were working with a large device that looked a lot like a library copier.  One of the side panels had blown out, exposing a mass of smoking cables and circuit boards.  One of the technicians said, “The power levels are _insane_.” David pulled his digital infrared camera from his parapyschologist bag and scanned the room.  The machine was intensely hot, over 500 degrees, as were the smoldering bits embedded in the carpet and walls.  There was a faint cold rim around the doorway where the portal had been.  The biggest surprise was the agent, according to the infrared camera; his body temperature was little more than 40 degrees.   At that moment, another pair of agents came out of room 325.  They saw David and walked over.  “Hey, you aren’t authorized to be here.”
David flashed his driver’s license again.  “I was let in earlier by the police.”
“They aren’t in charge of this investigation anymore, now get out!”  Faced with this onslaught, David retreated downstairs, to room 225, right below 325.  Whoever the occupant of this room had been, they had left the door unlocked.  David let himself in, and drilled a hole in the ceiling.  He inserted a miniature spy camera into the room above.

Two agents were talking in the doorway; David added a microphone to the camera.
“The rogues are becoming incredibly daring.  They know a Philadelphia effect of this power would draw our attention almost instantaneously.”
“They must think they are near completion.”
“We should alert our allies, and possible Delta.”
“Delta?”
“If we disguise our source, they might go after it.  They have access to area we do not.”  The agents left as David franatically scribbled down notes.

Because the frieze where the weird symbol had been seen was Roman, Marta and Saquina decided to show up at Crazy Professor Leopold’s 3:00 lecture on Roman art, then possibly go on a roadtrip to Boston or the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York to see the real thing, despite the fact that the frieze in question was in a Roman ruin in Italy.

Nikki, trying to find the powers of the dreamlands, went to sleep, attempting to dream of flying squirrels.  Her dream concerned herself as a flying squirrel on a dream date with the Josh Hartnett flying squirrel.

Everybody else went about their normal everyday routines, with no apparent Mythos activity whatsoever. These were all intensely boring, so they will not be covered.


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## Teedoff101 (May 7, 2002)

Thanks for the update I wasnt there today.  Ummm... where did David get the spy cam?  I like how u used Leopold in the quest.  MY question is:  Will this ever end? And if so how will they have to do it?  Since I cannot play anymore tell me tomorrow.  See ya.  To post more...

Teedoff101


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## Horacio (May 7, 2002)

More soon, please!


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## DM with a vengence (May 8, 2002)

Teedoff101 said:
			
		

> *Thanks for the update I wasnt there today.  Ummm... where did David get the spy cam?  I like how u used Leopold in the quest.  MY question is:  Will this ever end? And if so how will they have to do it?  Since I cannot play anymore tell me tomorrow.  See ya.  To post more...
> 
> Teedoff101 *




If a player wants to know something, then they can ask me in person danggummit.

Update tommorrow, could not play today.


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## Saquina (May 8, 2002)

*Ms. Love Bunny*

Okay...not fair...don't consider me a pathetic whore...usually this DM takes over my character (along with David, John and some of the other characters) and made her do horrible things.  Most of the time I had no control!!!  Anyways this time it got us the book right???  And there was only one other time (with like I said I didn't have complete control over my character).  So...please DM stop making me out to be a complete slut...you do that enough at school no need to also post it on the internet!!!  At least my character wasn't like Nikki's who decided to go to the rave and do drugs and get sucked into dreamland (thought that did include Josh Hartnett...).  Anyways...DM don't make my character out to be like that-please!!!! Thanx so much...I'm also looking forward to more posts!!!


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## Saquina (May 8, 2002)

BTW-very clever to include Leopold in there-I hadn't even noticed until I read some of the other messages!!!  Can't wait 'til we find out what happens next (well...then again with you as our DM we're all probably gonna end up dying sooner or later so maybe I don't wanna know what happens next)...anyways ttyl!


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## Teedoff101 (May 8, 2002)

Saquina, you are most likely correct that the DM will kill us.  Another possibility is that he will force us to play thousands of "Goblin Ambush" games which will drive us to suicide.  Since I'm in the mental institution, I don't get to move anymore and I just watch the other characters make their moves.  This should be a great game and hopefully the party will get something productive done.  To post more...


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## Horacio (May 8, 2002)

Something productive, as finishing all in the same mental institution taking electroshocks and cold showers?


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## DM with a vengence (May 9, 2002)

*Ahem, what did I say about mentioning intergroup struggles online.  No XP for you!  Besides, that incident with the mud filled pit and the Nature Alley III spell was before, this is now, and I all think we know how much David can be trusted with anything after that little incident.  Now forwards, not backwards, upwards not forwards, and always twirling, twirling towards insanity.  

We begin with David.  After a frantic night of collecting information, he went to his Parapsychology professor, Dr. Morgan, and showed him everything, then asked him who ‘Delta’ might be.  Amazingly enough, Dr. Morgan had heard rumors from colleagues about an organization called Delta Green, which covered up occult happening worldwide.  David then suggested that the class get some actual field experience by showing up at the scene of the murder, which Dr. Morgan agreed to.  Only three people showed up at class, with everybody else missing.  Despite this setback, they gathered their investigating gear and went to the dorms.

	The agents and their strange machine were gone, just some police officers making measurements and collecting samples.  They began taking thermal images, spectroscopic readings, and other such stuff.  As David walked over the entrance of room 325, he felt an otherworldly feeling of hatred and evil.

Nikki woke up from her dream to find one of the creatures looking at her with some sort of strange device.  It buzzed appreciatively, and went away.  _I have to get out of here._ she thought, thinking of somebody rescuing her.  At that moment a firefighter in full smoke gear carrying a hose ran out of the wood to her.  “What’s your name?”  she asked.
“Josh Hartnett.”  He replied.
She began to take off his mask, but he disappeared into thin air.  Then she decided that a rocket ship was what was needed.  She opened her eyes and found herself 300 feet above the ground and falling.  A moment of visualization made a parachute, and she landed safely.

Then she decided on a different tack, the Mi-Go must go!  She got herself declared the leader of the group of ravers and ordered them to attack the Mi-Go with their most powerful weapons.  Seconds later, all of the Mi-Go were burnt to death by a barrage of white fireballs, their lightening weapons having almost no effect on the ravers.  Now that they had killed the Mi-Go, they just had to get home.

Saquina and Marta stayed after the lecture on Roman triumphant arches to ask Crazy Professor Leopold if he knew anything about the Frieze pictured.  He read them the caption on the bottom of the page, and Saquina decided to smack him upside the head.

Rule 43) Never attack anybody with the word ‘Crazy’ in front of their name.

He pulled a gladius out from under the lectern, and slashed at her, hitting Saquina in the arm.  She ran out the door with him close on her heels, screaming in Latin.  She made it to the girl’s bathroom and locked the door.

Marta followed Crazy Professor Leopold out the door, and then ran to the dean’s office.  “Someone just hit Professor Leopold upside the head!”
The dean jumped up and furiously dialed security as Marta pilfered the authorization to access the restricted section paper that was on his desk and went to the library, filling in her name along the way.

Barely a minute later, something smashed on the door of the girls’ bathroom. “You cannot hide in their, barbarian!” Leopold screamed, “Roman seigecraft is the best in the world!”
Saquina went into a stall and hid on the toilet, locking the door.
Leopold smashed through the door screaming “Veni Vidi Vici.”  Saquina slid the top off the toilet and broke off the float spar, leaving a jagged end. Hearing the noise, Leopold flung himself against the stall, which shook under the impact.  Saquina leapt into the next stall as security entered the room.
“Damn, looks like Leopold off his rocker again.  Come on sir, just give us the sword and take off that armor, we’ll get you a mug of tea.”
“It’s a gladius, not a sword, and a lorica, not armor, and the legion NEVER surrenders.  DIE!”
There was a gunshot, and just the sound of someone cursing in Latin.


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## dosdavid (May 9, 2002)

*erata*

so nikki in the dream land was infact trying to influnce the npc to yeild to her power, until one of the npc relized that they all had they had those powers and to quote the 
dm: "so everyone is now pimped out"
saquina: "why did you say pimped out?"
dm: "because i wanted to say pimed out! pimped pimped pimped pimp pimp pimp pimp pimp pimp pimp pimp ....[long while]....pimp pimp pimp . now thats enought lets keep going"


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## DM with a vengence (May 10, 2002)

On the above, when in the Dreamlands, everybodies apperance started to alter to become perfect, ans I described them as "pimpin".
One of the players questioned me on my word choice, so then I just started to say "I just like saying it. Pimpin' Pimpin' Pimpin' Pimpin' Pimpmobile Pimp Pimpin' Pimpmoblie etc."

Lots of fun had by all, updates tomorrow, as it is 10:00 and way too late to write anything.


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## Saquina (May 11, 2002)

*The pimpin thingy*

Okay, I wasn't there for the "pimpin thingy", I was at my viola lesson remember???  So...how could that have been me asking about what he was talking about???  Just thought that I would point that out.  hehe these Story Hour things are great!!!  See ya at school!!!

-Saquina


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## DM with a vengence (May 11, 2002)

Today we begin with Marta, currently in the Arkham University Restricted Section.  She wandered around more or less aimlessly, looking for something.  She found a scroll of papyrus covered in hieroglyphics, and an old leather bound book.  She flipped it open, on the cover page below some language she couldn’t read was a strange sigil like a squid’s head.  It was thirsty, it wanted her blood, her warm, red, nourishing blood, the blood, the vital blood, the warm red vital blood coursing thorough her body.  It needed the blood!

She snapped the cover page closed, and pull another book off a stack.  It was made of skin, human skin; she tossed it away in horror.  It landed, skittered on the floor, and fell open to a page with an engraving of the grim reaper standing over a field of dead bodies.  It was captioned in another language she couldn’t read.

Gathering up her new treasures, she went to the head librarian’s office.  “Excuse me, to you have a box I could borrow? I want to take these books to get photocopied.”
The head librarian spluttered, coffee spilling over his desk.  “Photocopy?  These priceless works of art?  Put them down and get out of my library now!  Your access has been revoked!”
“But I have permission to be here from the Dean.”
“And I’m revoking it.  You have stated that you are intending to damage my books.  Put them down and leave!”  He tried to show her out the door, and failed miserably due many years lifting nothing heavier than an old tome once in a while.

Marta put her head back and wailed.  “Rape!  Rape!”
The head librarian looked at her, and started to scream as well.  “Rape!  She’s going to rape the books!”  A group of assistant librarians ran into the office, and stared at them.  “Take us to the dean’s office.  I want her access revoked.”  The librarian said.
“Take us to the Dean’s office, I want him fired. Rape!”  Marta screamed, pointing at him.  The assistant librarians escorted them to the dean’s office.

After vanquishing the Mi-Go, Nikki flew up to the top of one of the pillars that stood in for trees and took a look around.  There was a large clump of strange rock outcropping about ten miles away.  She materialized a compass, and found out that they were to the east.  She jumped down and addressed the refugees.  “I saw some rock outcropping about 10 miles away, everybody get jetpacks, and we’ll fly over there.  All of them created jetpacks, but only 10 took off.  “Okay, you ten, you’re my lieutenants, organize squads of then people and put yourself if command.  Now that way.” She marched off through the woods, people following her.

After about ten minutes, one of the lieutenants flew down to her.  “Hey, where the hell are you going?  The outcroppings over there.”  She consulted her compass, they were still heading east.
“Okay, that way then.”  Nikki shrugged and altered direction, following the new heading on the compass.

This scene happened several more times, with the direction altering each time, until the lieutenant came back down.  “You suck.  I’m taking my squad and getting out of here, we’ll find our own way back home.  All you’re doing is heading to those outcroppings, and you’re failing at that.  See ya.”
“Traitor!”  Nikki screamed, sending a bolt of white fire at him.  He dropped to the ground and rolled, shooting his own ball of white fire at her.  It burst into whisps inches from her face and she materialized an Uzi, firing at him with bullets of flame.  He dodged some and destroyed the rest, and charged her with a glowing sword.  She tried to fly away, but failed.  He hit her, leaving a burned cut on her leg.  She tried to fix it, but could focus her mind.  The man hit her again, and everything faded to black.

Something licked her face.  She opened her eyes and saw a cat sitting on her chest, looking at her.  “Stupid cat, where the hell am I?”  She grabbed the cat and flung it aside.  She tried to get up, but was too weak, she was too tired to move her head from side to side.  The world narrowed to a black tunnel with a point of light at the end of it.


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## DM with a vengence (May 14, 2002)

Nikki floated towards the light, unfortunately, it was, as they say, on fire.  She burst through and for a moment saw a mass of dark protoplasmic tentacles spreading to infinity.  The thin piping of a flute reached her ears as her mind took one look at everything, gibbered twice, and fell apart.  

Cultists and Outer Gods-2.  Investigators-4.

Marta and the Librarian made it to the Deans office, where he asked for their stories.  “I went to his office to talk to him, and he tried tom push me down and rape me!  Rape!”  He nodded, and looked over to the librarian.
“She came into my office with a stack of books from the restricted section, and asked for a box so she could take them to get photocopied.  Photocopied!  Do you know what the bright lights would do to those fragile books.”  He grabbed a large dictionary from a book shelf and slammed it down onto the desk, spreading the pages out.  Everybody winced as the spine cracked.  “She would have destroyed them.  I demand to have here access to the restricted section revoked.  How did she get access anyway?”
Marta gulped.  “Could I make a phone call.”

David’s cell phone rung just as he was taking a fiber sample from the carpet.  “Hello, David Chaise,  Parapyschologist, what can I debunk for you?  What do you mean ‘In the dean’s office’?  Crap.  I’ll be down there ASAP.”  He stood up.  “Folks, I need to see someone, I’ll be back in 30.”

“We’re doing a brief investigation on how secure parts of the college are, sir.”  David explained to the incredulous crowd.  “We got your signature and forged a restricted section access.  Marta was assigned to infiltrate the restricted section, it seemed harmless.”
The librarian blanched.  “Harmless?  Harmless?  Those books are restricted for a reason.  I’m just glad she’s still in one piece, especially after the incident three years ago.”
“Well since nothing was damage, I’ll let you get away with this one, but next time, tell someone before planning anything like this.”  The Dean smiled.
David and Marta left the room.

David rejoined his class, and they then drove to the site of the rave.  It was completely empty, with no signs of mankind except for a single set of tire tracks leading to and away from the meadow.  The class began taking tests; David pulled out a pocket magnetometer, and turned it on.  The needle jumped to the red zone, and the device began to spark.  He turned it off and took out a map of Arkham and drew a circle from the dorm to the field, looking for any other fields of considerable size.  “Okay people.  I want us to split up and go to these fields and do the works, infrared, UV, photo, soil samples, magnetometer, and get it all tested.  We meet back at Dr. Morgan’s office at 5:00.”  The class rushed off to their appointed tasks, chattering about how cool it was to get some field experience.

Later, in Dr. Morgan’s office.  “Anybody pick up anything.”
“Uh, David, wasn’t that first field the site of that big rave?”
“Yes.”
“We didn’t see a single sign of people.  There should have been something there, at least a water bottle or glowstick.”
“Right, where did it all go?”
“Crap my friend was at that rave.”
David spoke up. “Bill, I think you should get a video camera on that.”

And in other news:
Marta picked up Saquina at the hospital, and John ran into Crazy Mental Patient Leopold at the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane.


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## Marta (May 14, 2002)

yup, I know...I didn't have a clue how to get out of the Dean's office...


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## Saquina (May 16, 2002)

Well honestly how were you going to get out of that Dean's office???  It was kinda an impossible situation in my opinion.  And just one question for our DM...is that really the end of Nikki???  Did she just die because of the white light???  That's kinda weird...please explain what exactly happened???  Hehe I thought that it was a good idea to put Nikki in "dreamland"...it kept her out of trouble and provided some great laughs!!!  Oh well...see ya guys at school tomorrow!!!

-Saquina


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## kaboom (May 16, 2002)

*ROTFL*

You guys are the best!


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## dosdavid (May 17, 2002)

*have a hunger for the next instalment?*

have a hunger for the next enstalment you should.
in the next instalment

SECRET SOCITYS

GHOSTS

MAD OCCULTISTS

POLYGRAPH TESTS

DESTRUCTION

AND

THINGS  YOU JUST DONT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT!

you next instalment coming soon!

post scipt: sorry for the agreduce spelling errors


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## DM with a vengence (May 21, 2002)

The long awaited update, this one is pure gold!

David was feeling the effects of more than 24 hours without sleep, so he took a brief nap on the couch in Dr. Morgan’s office before calling a cab to get back to the dorms (less than ¾ of a mile).  About halfway there, a large truck pulled across the road in front of him and two guys got out and began to unload things, blocking his path.  Weighing the odds, he decided to get out and walk the rest of the way to his room.

When he arrived, standing outside his door was a young woman, breathing heavily.  “Hello. Are you David Chaise?”
“Yes.”  He answered slightly puzzled.
“I want you to go check out a ghost, a friend of mine has had some weird experiences, and another friend who I mentioned it to said that you were studying Parapsychology, and might be able to help.”
“Yeah, that’d be me.  Why are you breathing heavily?”
“Asthma attack.”  She wheezed, “Its just a minor one, I’ll be fine.”
“Okay, I a little tired right now, so if I could meet you tomorrow morning at coffee shop somewhere that’d be good.”  He said.
“Sounds fine with me.”  She replied.
“I didn’t catch your name.”  David said.
“Dudash, Jeanne Dudash.”

“Hello, I’m a student at Miskatonic researching lost civilizations.  Do you have any original sources, maybe some old books or a restricted section.  Bastards, just hung up.”  Marta crossed off another college in her almanac and called the last one on her list, a little place called Weaslyn. “Hello, I’m a student at Miskatonic researching lost civilizations.  Do you have any original sources, maybe some old books or a restricted section.  You do?  Great, I’ll be over there first thing in the morning.”  She left a note for Saquina, caught a bus to the train station, and bought one ticket to Weaslyn, checking her self into a motel there at about 3:00 in the morning.

“That’s really very interesting, but could we please see the house now.”  David sipped his triple latte mocha cappuccino.
“Sure, it’s just down this way.”  Jeanne Dudash stood up and walked down a few blocks.  The house she indicated was an old 18th-19th sea captains house that had been converted to a boarding house for several students.  “It’s in the attic.  My friend says that sometimes when he’s walking home, he sees strange lights in his window, and that his closets slams open and shut and the toilet flushes unexpectedly.”
“Sounds like he needs a plumber, not me.”  David joked as he climbed up the several flights of stairs.

She indicated a door set in the cramped hallway.  “This is it.”
“Ladies first.”  He opened the door and gestured her inside.  Then he took out an infrared camera and looked at the wall.  There was a warm spot on the wall, like someone was standing against it.  He peaked around the doorframe, and just dodged a rapidly descending nightstick.  He rushed inside and tried to the rip the nightstick out a man’s hands.  He grabbed at it when Jeanne said, “Freeze.”   She was holding a very small, very deadly pistol.  “Put the bag down  and sit in the chair.”  She indicated a sturdy wooden armchair near the center of the room.  He complied, and the man tied him down at the wrists, ankles and waist.  Jeanne hooked up a polygraph and then calibrated it.
“Okay, what happened last night?”  She demanded, studying the printout.
“What are you talking about?” David asked innocently.
“Can it, wise guy.  Something happened last night because a group we keep track of were there, and you contacted them.  If this mattered involved something slightly criminal, don’t worry we aren’t the government.  We aren’t interested in prosecuting.”
He sighed.  “All right.  Last night I went to a rave with my friends.  We left midway through, minus one person who we weren’t able to find.  When we arrived back at the dorm, there was a strange glow in the top floor.  When we looked inside, some sort of warp blocked the top of the stairs.  I managed to pass through and found two people in strange robes watching the rave on a small TV.  It was covered in mist and disappeared, and they said that that was good.  I attacked them, disarmed one of his gun and used it to shoot them both.  I cleaned up the scene, and then called the police.  When I tried to go back up some freaky agent dude was there.  Yesterday I went up there with my class, and then I went to the rave site.  I won’t go into more detail, because there are copies of my report in the bag, but it was very weird.”  He indicated the bag of equipment.
“Thank you, you’ve been most helpful.”  Jeanne said.  “Just remember, be careful.  There are forces out there greater than you can comprehend, and you might have made them very angry.  We’ll be in touch.”
“And now you inject me with a sedative and I wake up in my bed.”  David said, half if jest.
“You people sometimes take all the fun out of this business.” Everything went black.

The restricted section at Weaslyn had nothing that she wanted to know.  It was mostly just old and fragile books, not old and arcane tomes.  Marta finally gave up in disgust after spending half a day there.  She walked back to her motel to start calling schools and collectors around the country in search of what she wanted when a young woman in white pants and a black T-shirt emblazoned with stars stepped in front of her.  “Hello, I’m Tammy.  Basho said that you were looking for knowledge.”  She tilted her head to one side and smiled.
	“Uh, hello.”  Marta replied, startled by Tammy. “Who are you and who’s Basho.”
“I’m an Acolyte of Stars, and Basho is our leader.  He knows lots of things.  He knows what you are looking for.”  
Marta found Tammy’s short simple sentences and constant smiling very unnerving, but continued anyway.  “What am I looking for?”  She asked, nearly mesmerized.
“The truth that will set you free on the Path to the Stars.  Basho knows the Path.  Will you go with us?”  Tammy smiled again.
“Could I have a  moment to think about it?”  Marta asked.
“Sure!” Tammy almost yelled.
Marta ran back to her motel room and grabbed her stuff, then made a few phone calls.  “Saquina, I’m coming back to Arkham, could you pick me up at the station at 3:00?  Thanks.”

After an uneventful train ride, and an equally uneventful drive back to Miskatonic U, they pulled up infront of the dorm.  Occupying 6 parking spaces was an old school bus painted black with white stars and filled with people.  Tammy stepped out and waved.  “Hello Marta!”

David woke up in his bed, it was 4:00.  His bag of Parapyschology tools was next to the door, minus his reports.  He cleaned himself up and went over to Dr. Morgan’s office.  Dr. Morgan was pacing the room in a panic.  “David!  Where the hell were you?”
“With some friends.”  David said dryly.  “Did something happen?”
“Someone broke in and trashed the lab.  The samples, my equipment, all ruined!”  Dr. Morgan wailed.
David looked in, the lab was indeed a mess, with hardware smashed, papers in the sink and already disintegrating, and samples dumped on the floor.  The window was open, and by marks around the frame David could tell that it had been forced.  It lead to a small grassy area that abutted the main parking lot that then sloped down to Miskatonic Sound.  In the flowerbed outside the window were a pair or poorly preserved footprints.  David walked outside and examined them, they were size 11 dress shoes.  He poured plaster in the casts and waited, wondering what to do next.

“So Marta, are you coming with us?”  Tammy asked.
“Umm, I’m not certain.”  Marta said, put off by Tammy’s wierdness.
“We hold the answers you want to know.  Answers that can only be obtained by walking the Path.  Do you want to go on the Path?” Tammy asked again.
“I’ll go.”  Saquina said.  “Come on, it’ll be fun.”
Reluctantly, Marta and Saquina got on the bus, which was filled with young people from age 16 to 25.
“Come on folks.”  Tammy said as the bus shuddered to a start.  “Lets have a sing along.”

To the tune of “Rise and shine, and give God your glory glory
_Cthulhu Fhtagn, Cthulhu Fhtagnie-tangie
Cthulhu Fhtagn, Cthulhu Fhtagnie-tangie
Eat their souls, and drive them insanie-sanie
Children of Chaos

In dead R’lyeh, Cthulhu lies dreaming dreaming
In dead R’lyeh, Cthulhu lies dreaming dreaming
Insane dreams without meaning meaning
Children of Chaos

Cthulhu will be free whe-en the stars are right
Cthulhu will be free whe-en the stars are right
And with the stars will come, eternal night
Children of Chaos….._

They drove off into the sunset.


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## DM with a vengence (Jun 12, 2002)

*The Final Update (Guess what happens)*

After a drive about three hours, the Starbus pulled up inside the Path compound, with its double 12 foot chain-link razor-wire topped fences and squads of guards in camouflage carrying assault rifles.  Besides the guards, most of the people in the camp were wearing loose white pants and tunics made out of crude linen.  As they got off the bus, a group of Acolytes handed everybody the uniforms and told them to get dressed in the changing building, then come back out for an orientation movie.

	The changing building was a large plank shed with dozens of dressing room stalls.  Marta and Saquina went into their respective stalls and changed.  Saquina changed and left her clothes on the floor, just like the sign said, but Marta elected to just put the clothing on over her street clothes and conceal useful items such as food, cash, and her cell phone in her pockets.  

After changing the newcomers were ushered into another building with rows of folding chairs, a projection booth, and a movie screen.  On of the acolytes turned on the projector, which started a poorly acted, directed, and written nonsensical movie with special effects that make ‘Southpark’ look like the latest CGI masterpiece from Lucasfilm.  The basic plot went something like this:  







> “At the beginning of the universe there were three great forces, the universal gods.  Shug-Niggurath, creation, Yog Sothoth , time, and the mightiest of all, Azathoth, the God of Destruction.  Acting together, these three created, destroyed, and perpetuated the universe.  The are served by galactic races powerful and wise beyond any human knowledge, and by the greatest of their servants, the Great Old Ones.  We are most fortunate to be host to several of these massive creatures, and the Path of the Stars will make us more like them.  They came from the stars, and the Path will allow us to climb it.  Basho is the most wise and enlightened of us all, and he leads us all to our rightful place in the sky.  Chief among the Great Old Ones is Cthulhu, who lies dreaming in the sunken city of R’yleh…”



The movie continued in the same fashion for 2 hours and 57 minutes, when it mercifully finished.

  The initiates were ushered out of the building, into an open area, where the entire compound was gathered around a raging bonfire.  Three people dressed in red robes emblazoned with eldritch symbols walked through the crowd up to the fire, and the center stretched his arms out in front of him.  The cult fell to the ground, bowing and murmuring “Basho, Basho!”  Marta and Saquina followed their movements, trying not to attract much attention.
The leader stepped forward and spoke imperiously.  “Acolytes!  Today we have taken a step forward, for we have recovered an artifact of incredible power.”  He held in one hand a fist sized black gemstone that glinted ruddily in the fire light.  “This will allow us to continue on our path.  But, with each gain comes a loss.  I have discovered a traitor among us, who has been working with forces holding our masters imprisoned.”  The stone disappeared, in its place was a dagger.  Basho slammed the knife down into the chest of the person on his left, the yanked the blade out and pushed the corpse into the fire.  The body burst into flames, blue, then red, then yellow.  “So suffer all traitors!”  Basho yelled.
“So suffer all traitors!”  The cultists echoed.
Basho and the remaining robed person retreated, and the crowd began to dissipate.  “I’m going to try something.”  Marta whispered to Saquina.
Marta fell to the ground and began to flail her limbs wildly.  “Cthulhu Ftagn! Oh God, save me! Help! Cthulhu Ftagn! Cthulhu Ftagn! Cthulhu Ftagn!”  She stood up, and said in a deep, commanding, and possessed voice.  “My servants, this body contains my most powerful daughter, who you are to respect in every way. My power will smite anybody who disrespects her. Do what she says, and all will be fine.”  Marta crumpled to ground bonelessly as people came running over.

“According to the Acolytes, you had a very interesting attack after the Starfire.”  Basho said, toying with the gemstone.
“I… I don’t understand, your eminence.”  Marta mumbled.
“You were possessed by the power of Cthulhu and he said that you were his daughter.  If that is true, then can you use this.”  He handed her the stone, at close range Marta could see it was banded black and red.  “What do you see?”
Marta looked into the stone, seeing nothing.  “Aaiiiiieeeee!  This is dedicated to another.  Destroy it, my father commands.”
“Destroy my precious?”  Basho asked.  “You presume too much.  Can your father protect you from this?”  He reached his hand out and closed it into a fist, muttering strange words. Marta leapt towards him, and then something grabbed her, squeezing her.  She couldn’t breath, the force was crushing the life out of her.  Black spots danced before her eyes, and then  everything was black.

Marta awoke tied down in a chair, according to the clock on the wall it was 3:00 in the morning.  Basho looked up from the stone.  “Too bad, Marta, you seemed like you were going somewhere.  Good night.”  He replaced the stone in a gold box, closed it, and walked out, turning off the lights.

Something filled the darkness of the room with a hiss.  “Hello.”  Marta said, peering into the darkness.  “Is anybody here?  Oh.  Crap.”

Saquina was engaged in a late night discussion about the greatness of Basho when his office building exploded in a shower of splinters.  A spear of solid darkness shot out and vaporized a group of cultists.  The guards were opening fire, but their bullets couldn’t harm it.  The spear shot towards the cluster of generators, and all over the compound, the lights died.  Screams filled the air as guards and cultists were ripped apart by the darkness the whisked around the camp killing people left and right.  Saquina turned and saw a burning red eye divided into three sections…

David couldn’t find out anything else, so he was taking a walk along Miskatonic Sound to clear his head and get some new ideas.  He was the only person in sight along a stretch of sandy strand when he heard a splash and a hiss from behind him.  He turned, drawing a Browning Hi-Power pistol and saw a creature that should have been coming from the Black Lagoon, not nice peaceful Miskatonic Sound.  He sighted on the creature and fired, emptying the clip.  The creature dropped, blood spurting from half a dozen wounds.  David heard a hiss behind him and felt cold, fishy breath on his neck.  As he whirled to confront this new threat, it occurred to him that he was out of ammo, and the thing had very big claws…

No suspect was ever apprehended in the murder of David Chais, however there has always been some puzzlement over what he shot at, or why was there a grizzly bear next to Miskatonic Sound.

The constant isolation of the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane was slowly eating away at the normally sane Jonathan’s mind.  He had started to have nightmares, and then night terrors.  Treatment was ineffective, and eventually he was found in his room covered in 2 inch sucker marks and drained of all blood.  No one was certain how it happened, and the case was quietly hushed up.

Jacob and Jessica avoided the Mythos fates the occurred to their friends, but on a sad note, both were run over by an old school bus belonging to a new-age religion.  The driver was charged with involuentary manslaughter, but skipped bail.  No charges were were pressed against the Road to Space or their leader, Basho.


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## Horacio (Jun 12, 2002)

Funniest. All Party Kill. Ever.


So all of them are dead... Poor boys and girls...


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## Dinkeldog (Jun 13, 2002)

So you just decided to play something else, right?


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## DM with a vengence (Jun 14, 2002)

No, actually school is over and we felt like playing something else next year.

We're all much to laz to meat during the summer.


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