# Tell Us Your Best RPG Joke



## STARP_President (Sep 16, 2004)

Come on, someone must know some. I got one to start us off:

How many drow does it take to change a light bulb?
You can't tell - when the light goes on they run away.

Well? You do better! Please?


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## Dark Jezter (Sep 16, 2004)

Q.  How many clerics does it take to change a light bulb?
A.  Just one; to cast _cure light._

Q.  How many half-elves does it take to change a light bulb?
A.  Only one.  It turns out that half-elves _are_ good for something after all.

There's actually a whole thread of D&D jokes archived here.  Check it out!


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## SpringPlum (Sep 16, 2004)

One of my favorites is:

Q. How many elves does it take to sharpen a sword?
A. Three, one to do the sharpening, and two to compose a song about it so when the first one is done four hundred years later, they can remember whose sword it is.

Another good one:

A bard who specializes in ventrioloquism is performing in a tavern, doing several jokes about how dumb half-orcs are.

A very large, very mean-looking half-orc in the back of the room stands up and growls, "I'm sick of everyone making fun of half-orcs and saying we're stupid."

The bard begins to apologize for offending the half-orc.

The half-orc says, "Sir, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the little smart-a** sitting in your lap."

In our current homebrew, one of the PCs is from a kingdom called Solaria, so I've taken a bunch of the jokes and modified them so they make fun of Solarians.  The character (and his player) nearly cry when my character says, "So I heard this joke today..."


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## Oryan77 (Sep 16, 2004)

> The half-orc says, "Sir, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the little smart-a** sitting in your lap."




That's hilarious. Now I'm wanting to actually use that scenario in my game just to see how my players react. I'll just need to come up with a couple jokes for the bard to say. Shouldn't be hard, I can use some dumb blond jokes as dumb Half-Orc jokes.


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## Teflon Billy (Sep 16, 2004)

3 orcs walk into a bar...

the fourth one ducks


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## Sejs (Sep 16, 2004)

> Q. How many elves does it take to sharpen a sword?
> A. Three, one to do the sharpening, and two to compose a song about it so when the first one is done four hundred years later, they can remember whose sword it is.




*nod* the version I've heard was:

Q: How many elves does it take to sharpen a sword?
A: Three, one to do the sharpening, one to compose an epic poem about it, and one to complain about how it was better _before_.


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## TheAuldGrump (Sep 16, 2004)

Q: "How many Call of Cthulhu investigators does it take to change a lightbulb?"

A1: All of them, don't split up the party!
A2: What, go out there? _In the dark?!!!_
A3: Three, one to change the lighbulb, one to hold the ladder, and one to keep watch with a shotgun.
A4: Sorry, they all died when the light went out.

The Auld Grump


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## Fester (Sep 16, 2004)

Okay...

Three old wizards are sitting in a bar and one says to the other...

No, wait.  Actually, that's _four_ old wizards sitting in bar.  So, one says...

Er, actually, it was three.  Definantly three.  Anyway.

Four old wizards... three! Three old wizards sitting in a bar! And one turns to the other and says "Have you..."

Or was it four?  Hang on a minute, let me work this out... it's really funny. Honest.  Just bear with me.

That's right, I remember now! There were only two of them!  Doh!

Anyway... so... two old wizards are sitting at a bar and one says to the other...

Or were they clerics?

Anyway...


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## Blue (Sep 16, 2004)

An elf, a human, and a dwarf are sitting in a bar.  The barmaid brings them their drinks, and each happens to have a fly in it.

The elf pushes away his elfwine, "I will not drink this."

The human fishes the fly out of his ale, crushes it, and takes a swallow.

The dwarv carefully flys the fly out of his whiskey, gentle puts it on the rim of the mug, and bellows "All right, spit it out!"

Cheers,
=Blue(23)


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## Theron (Sep 16, 2004)

The first D&D joke I ever heard:

Q:  What looks like Black Pudding and wears chainmail?

A:  A squashed dwarf.


Thank you!  I'm here all week.  Try the veal and be sure to tip your waitress.


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## Piratecat (Sep 16, 2004)

Did you hear about the evil wizard who liked to give people hickies?

He was a neck romancer.


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## Psion (Sep 16, 2004)

Fester said:
			
		

> Okay...
> 
> Three old wizards are sitting in a bar and one says to the other...
> 
> ...




Xanxost?


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## ironmani (Sep 16, 2004)

Becareful in your wording of wishes....
"So let me get this staright, you want me to *raze* your ability scores?"


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## Piratecat (Sep 16, 2004)

What noise does a dwarven battle cleric make when falling down the stairs?

CLANGEDDIN CLANGeddin Clangeddin clangeddin. . .


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## Ralts Bloodthorne (Sep 16, 2004)

Why do elves have pointy ears?

There has to be some point to them!


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## Voadam (Sep 16, 2004)

"Despite everything he's done I keep missing that bard," the sorceress said, "I have to work on my aim."


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## Kae'Yoss (Sep 16, 2004)

A human is waiting for an elf, who is late. Finally, he arrives.
H: "Where have you been?"
E: "I had to bury a dwarf. Took me 7 hours?"
H: "Typical elven behaviour: Taking forever on such a simple task!"
E: "Simple? The gritsucker wouldn't hold still!"


Or that one. An average adventuring party (dwarven fighter, gnome illusionist - oh no, make that bard now! - elven wizard, and human cleric) is sitting in a posh tavern to eat, drink, and celebrate the reward they got for rescuing the princess (again). When the waiter wants to pass them the bills, the others hear - to their astonishment - the dwarf saying "I'ts all on me!"

One hour later, the town-criers have something new to tell: "Hear ye! Hear ye! Dwarf strangles gnome ventriloquist!"


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## Dark Jezter (Sep 16, 2004)

A dwarf and an elf walk into a tavern and sit down at a table.  A moment later, the waitress arrives to take their order.

"I'll have a mug of ale and a 12 ounce steak, medium-rare," says the dwarf.

"Excellent choice.  And the vegetable?"  Asks the waitress.

The dwarf then looks at the elf and says "He'll have the steak too, and he'll _like it!_"


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## Teflon Billy (Sep 16, 2004)

Fester said:
			
		

> Okay...
> 
> Three old wizards are sitting in a bar and one says to the other...
> 
> ...




You heard that one from my Daughter and her friends


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## The Sigil (Sep 17, 2004)

Theron said:
			
		

> Thank you!  I'm here all week.  Try the veal and be sure to tip your waitress.



Heh... I just got a visual of a half-orc giving a waitress a shoulder to the gut, flooring her, then looking quizically at the stunned expression on his gnome buddy's face.

"Hey, don't look at me like that, buddy - you said, 'tip the waitress - they appreciate it.'  So I tipped the waitress, but it doesn't look like she appreciated it much."

*ducks*

--The Sigil


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## mythusmage (Sep 17, 2004)

I recall an entire list of D&D lightbulb jokes. Stuff on the order of...

How many orcs does it take to change a light bulb?

None, orcs like it in the dark.


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## Kae'Yoss (Sep 17, 2004)

Q: How many alienists does it take to change a lightbulb? 

A: Fish


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## Keeper of Secrets (Sep 17, 2004)

Blue said:
			
		

> An elf, a human, and a dwarf are sitting in a bar.  The barmaid brings them their drinks, and each happens to have a fly in it.
> 
> The elf pushes away his elfwine, "I will not drink this."
> 
> ...




Worth repeating as this was my favorite.


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## Xaov (Sep 17, 2004)

here are some events that occured for the female player in my group.

ME(slightly abridge): Alright inside the room is a frost giant he says some stuff and proceeds to attack

Players attack back furiously

FemalePlayer:  Well my character was a dancer and worked on her feet a lot so could I aim for the Achilles tendon?

ME:  Oh really I thought you worked on your back most of the time.  

FemalePlayer: Huff puff

on another note this same player has a real love for kids.

FP: I am going to herd the kids and take them out of the city

(orcs ravishing the city the whole time)

ME:  so you are with the kids?  alright well one of them gets afraid and runs away.

FP:  I SHOOT A  MAGIC MISSLE AT IT!

ME: you are shooting a magic missle at the kid?

FP:  WHAT!!!!! I thought you were saying one of the orcs run away


this entire campaign was filled with all these types of jokes.  Thankfully she's a good sport


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## Belen (Sep 17, 2004)

See...I just cannot come up with an grandma approved jokes.  (sigh) I need help.


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## Kae'Yoss (Sep 21, 2004)

A man was out late walking his dachshunds when he suddenly was attacked by a stranger who threw him to the ground and shoved a wooden stake through his heart. 
A friend of the dog owner saw it all and cried out "Why did you do that? He never did anything to you?" 

"But he was a vampire! You can tell by the overlong canines!"


The dwarven mafia (you know, those 4 foot guys in the 1200 gm armani suits who make you an offer you cannot refuse) cought one of their money counters embezzling money. The guy was deaf-mute, as they figured he couldn't hear them plan their crimes and couldn't tell the guards anything, anyway.
The Don's interrogating him, using a translator who knows sign language.

Don: "Why did ye do it, ye bastard?"
Translator: "He wants to know why you did it?"
Money counter: "I thought they wouldn't get behind me, as they have so much money"
Translator: "He thought you wouldn't find out"
Don: "The hell we wouldn't. Tell him if he tells us where the money is, he gets away with a couple of broken legs, if not, I'll cleave his skull right here."
Translator: "He wants the money and will only maim you, not kill you."
Money counter: "Please, don't kill me! I hid the money in the cavern outside the city, at the far end of the mushroom patch."
Translator: "He say you don't have the guts to do it, you fat, beardless son of a gnome."


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## fanboy2000 (Sep 22, 2004)

*#27*

I was wondering outside the dealer's room at a local gaming convention about 2 years ago when I came across a side room that had several long time gamers sitting around in a circle. They were shouting numbers at each other, things like "63!" and "127!" Everyone laughed when a number was shouted.

I watched for a few minutes, trying to figure out what was going on, but I couldn't. So, I decided to be nosy and ask someone near the door I was standing at.

"Excuse me sir." I said to some one who looked like Elminster incarnate. "But could you tell me what's going on?"

"Sure," he said. "We're old friends who've been coming to this gaming convention for 15 years. Well, we know all each other's old stories, so one year we numbered them and now we just shout them out."

The very concept struck me as odd, so I thanked him and continued to watch a little bit longer. After a minute or two, someone shouted "163!" and everyone fell off their chairs laughing. The guy I talked to was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down his cheeks. I couldn't hold in my curiosity, I had to know. "What? What was so funny?" I asked Elminster. He gasped for breath and said, "Oh! That was one we hadn't heard yet!"


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## Hanuman (Sep 22, 2004)

"Did you hear about the famous ancient barefoot mage who drank from the cursed fountain that gives you bad breath forever?"

"No"

"He was a Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis"


They've a temper, some of them - paticularly verbs: they're the proudest - adjectives you can do anything with, but not verbs - however, I can manage the whole lot of them! (Through the Looking-Glass)


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## The Quijotic Moose (Sep 22, 2004)

*Rimshot!*

How do you know God's not a munchkin?

Because he let his PC die for roleplaying reasons.


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## TheAuldGrump (Sep 22, 2004)

fanboy2000 said:
			
		

> I was wondering outside the dealer's room at a local gaming convention about 2 years ago when I came across a side room that had several long time gamers sitting around in a circle. They were shouting numbers at each other, things like "63!" and "127!" Everyone laughed when a number was shouted.
> 
> I watched for a few minutes, trying to figure out what was going on, but I couldn't. So, I decided to be nosy and ask someone near the door I was standing at.
> 
> ...




'Number 36!' and the crowd just stood there... lookin'
'Number 48!' and the crowd just stood there... lookin'
'Number 19!' and the crowd just stood there... lookin'
'Number..' and a man held up his hand.
'Ah, just give it up kid, you never could tell a joke worth a darn.'

The Auld Grump, the black and white space marine on the black and white bike....


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## fanboy2000 (Sep 22, 2004)

TheAuldGrump said:
			
		

> 'Number 36!' and the crowd just stood there... lookin'
> 'Number 48!' and the crowd just stood there... lookin'
> 'Number 19!' and the crowd just stood there... lookin'
> 'Number..' and a man held up his hand.
> ...



 I hope you realize that I'm stealing that.


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## TheAuldGrump (Sep 22, 2004)

So two cannibals were disussing what to make for dinner and one tells the other 'try cleric! Soft, tasty, just the right amount of meat.' So the cannibal went down to the dungeon and grabbed the first cleric he could find and dumped him into the pot along with some onions, some carrots, and a bit of celery and set him to boil for a few hours. After the time was up he tried a bite.
Tough, rubbery...
So he boiled the cleric a little while longer... still tough.
Well he left it to boil for most of the day, and by the end it was still tough and rubbery and all the flavor had been boiled out to boot. So he went to his friend and complained.
His friend said, 'what did the cleric look like?' 
'Oh, I don't know, just some guy in brown robes with a shaved head.'
'No wonder you idiot! You boiled a friar!'

Ba dump bump tsssh!

The Auld Grump


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## Hypersmurf (Sep 22, 2004)

TheAuldGrump said:
			
		

> 'Number 36!' and the crowd just stood there... lookin'




Heh.

The alternative version I'd heard...

After watching for a while, the newcomer decided to give one a try.

Picking a number at random... "Number 81!" he called.

All conversation ceased; a few gasps and one or two nervous titters broke the sudden silence.

Elminster glared at him.  "Time and a place, son," he growled.  "There are ladies present!"

-Hyp.


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## TheAuldGrump (Sep 22, 2004)

Hypersmurf said:
			
		

> Heh.
> 
> The alternative version I'd heard...
> 
> ...




Good thing he didn't tell number 69...

The Auld Grump... 'Number 12!... and the crowd just looked at him funny...
How'd I screw it up this time?' He asked the man nearest to him in a whisper. 
'You got the punchline wrong.'


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## The Other Librarian (Sep 22, 2004)

A ranger, whose favorite enemy is Hill Giants, is out one day doing his usual hunting patrol. Off in the distance he sees a giant who is engaging in strange behavior the ranger has never witnessed before. The ranger decides to sneak up and examine his quarry more closely.

 The giant had obviously broken his favorite tree-trunk club, the handle of which he was matching up with various tree trunks to find a fit. When he found a likely tree, he would pull a small, trussed up kobold out of his pouch, and proceed to tie up the kobold, roughly halfway down the tree, sticking out at a right angle. He would then thoughtfully consider the tree from a couple of different perspectives, before sighing, untying the kobold, and moving on to the next likely tree.

 The ranger finally can't take it anymore. He has to find out what the giant is doing. He leaves his hiding place and confronts the giant.

   "I know we are mortal enemies, but before we fight to the death, I must know.  Just what are you doing?"


 The giant pauses his activity and shows the club handle to the ranger, replying in stilted common. "My club broken, need find new tree. But a wise sage once give me advice:

Never join a club that would have Meepo as a member."


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## Kae'Yoss (Sep 22, 2004)

A band of kobolds was dancing around a hole in the bottom and chanting "SEVEN" over and over again. A gnome came along, and walked up to them to ask what it all was about. When he got within grabbing range, the kobolds ganged up on him and tossed him into the hole. After that, they resumed dancing around the hole and started to chant "EIGHT" over and over again.


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## Tom Cashel (Sep 22, 2004)

Where do epic-level fighters keep their armies?

In their sleevies.


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## Someone (Sep 22, 2004)

A mind flayer walks into a bar. The barman looks at him and asks: "Why the long face?"


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## fanboy2000 (Sep 22, 2004)

A human cleric, dwarven fighter, and a elvan ranger walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

A skeleton walks into a bar. He askes of a beer and a mop.


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## Zelgadas (Sep 22, 2004)

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cthul.
Cthul who?

*rimshot*


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## MrFilthyIke (Sep 22, 2004)

Zelgadas said:
			
		

> Cthul who?




More like Cthul Booooooo-hiss.


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## Hypersmurf (Sep 22, 2004)

The Other Librarian said:
			
		

> "Never join a club that would have Meepo as a member."




[wince]

-Hyp.


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## kaarle30 (Sep 22, 2004)

*Wishes*

undefined Let me get this right "You wish for a suite of leather armor?  OK, you got it, the small house is 5 inches in height, 5 inches in width and 4 inches in breadth.  Hope you can fit in it  LOL


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## ArcOfCorinth (Sep 23, 2004)

What's red, green and can't turn around in tight corridors?

A goblin impaled with a javelin.


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## darklight (Sep 23, 2004)

I read this one, about dwarven spirit, on the net somewhere a long time ago:

A dwarf comes into a tavern and walks up to the bar. An elf comes up to him and says "I heard you dwarves hold liqour well?" "Aye!" says the dwarf. "Well, I have a wager for you. I'll wager 10 gp that you can't drink 10 pints in a row, without pause. What do you say, will you take the bet?" The dwarf thinks for a little while and says "maybe... hold on a minute" and leaves the tavern. Ten minutes later he comes back and says "I'll take your bet." The barkeep places ten pints on the bar and the dwarf proceeds to down them all, with no pause. "Hmm... looks like I lost the bet" says the elf and pays up, "but tell me, why did you go outside first?" To which the dwarf responds "well, I wasn't sure I could do it, so I had to go to the tavern across the street and try first." 

darklight


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## The Other Librarian (Sep 23, 2004)

Hypersmurf said:
			
		

> [wince]
> 
> -Hyp.



 MWUHAHAHAHA!


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## DarkSoldier (Sep 23, 2004)

TheAuldGrump said:
			
		

> The Auld Grump, the black and white space marine on the black and white bike....



Not the black and white Space Marine on the black and white bike?!


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## TheAuldGrump (Sep 23, 2004)

Yes, _the_ Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. 


The Auld Grump, *warning* possibly the stupidest gaming joke ever...


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## Algolei (Sep 23, 2004)

TheAuldGrump said:
			
		

> Yes, _the_ Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike.
> 
> 
> The Auld Grump, *warning* possibly the stupidest gaming joke ever...



 I am _so_ glad I read this far in the thread....


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## TheAuldGrump (Sep 23, 2004)

Algolei said:
			
		

> I am _so_ glad I read this far in the thread....




Well, you were warned!

What do Deep Ones get their kids to play with?
Cthulhu hoops!

The Auld Grump


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## mythusmage (Sep 23, 2004)

One day the world's stingiest gnome dies. He is met at the pearly gates by Saint Peter himself, who informs him that this is Heaven. The gnome is shown to a room and placed inside. There he is greated by a gang of kobolds who proceed to gleefully bash him as if there was no tomorrow.

After some time the gnome manages to escape. After a search he manages to find Saint Peter and asks him, "Didn't you tell me this was Heaven?"

Saint Peter looks down at him and says, "It is, for the kobolds."


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## Zelgadas (Sep 23, 2004)

MrFilthyIke said:
			
		

> More like Cthul Booooooo-hiss.




Oh, I've got another one.

Cthulhu.
Gazundheit.

And the hits just keep on coming!


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## Sir Elton (Sep 24, 2004)

Once upon a time the worst gaming joke ever came to Enworld.

 The joke goes up to the guard and says, "Hello, I'm the worst gaming joke ever."

 The guard says, "Yeah, and what's your point?"


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## Nyarlathotep (Sep 24, 2004)

darklight said:
			
		

> I read this one, about dwarven spirit, on the net somewhere a long time ago:
> 
> A dwarf comes into a tavern and walks up to the bar. An elf comes up to him and says "I heard you dwarves hold liqour well?" "Aye!" says the dwarf. "Well, I have a wager for you. I'll wager 10 gp that you can't drink 10 pints in a row, without pause. What do you say, will you take the bet?" The dwarf thinks for a little while and says "maybe... hold on a minute" and leaves the tavern. Ten minutes later he comes back and says "I'll take your bet." The barkeep places ten pints on the bar and the dwarf proceeds to down them all, with no pause. "Hmm... looks like I lost the bet" says the elf and pays up, "but tell me, why did you go outside first?" To which the dwarf responds "well, I wasn't sure I could do it, so I had to go to the tavern across the street and try first."
> 
> darklight




LOL, yoinked!


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## TheAuldGrump (Sep 24, 2004)

Sir Elton said:
			
		

> Once upon a time the worst gaming joke ever came to Enworld.
> 
> The joke goes up to the guard and says, "Hello, I'm the worst gaming joke ever."
> 
> The guard says, "Yeah, and what's your point?"




It's a joke that has been floating around WH40K since around 1999 or so, I think it hangs around for the same reason that folks see Plan 9 From Outer Space... it is just so bad... I gather that Paul Sawyer at White Dwarf threatened to kill the next person to try telling him that joke.

The Auld Grump, and notice: somebody recognized it...


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## STARP_President (Sep 26, 2004)

You know what? I'm really sorry I started this thread.


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## Kae'Yoss (Sep 26, 2004)

TheAuldGrump said:
			
		

> Yes, _the_ Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike.
> 
> 
> The Auld Grump, *warning* possibly the stupidest gaming joke ever...




I don't get it.


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## Kae'Yoss (Sep 26, 2004)

OK, this one is probably known, but is always worth a laugh or two.

There was a human commoner who was tired of his boring life, so he ran away from his farm and intended to join a band of highwaymen. He went to their hide-out, and told the lookouts: "Hey, I want to join your band of bone-tough highwaymen!"

"Aaah, but we don't let everyone join just like that. There are three tests! They're tough and evil and many die"

"I will pass your tests! What are they?"

"Well... First, you have to drink this bottle of elven feywine in one go!
Then, you have to go into yonder cave and wrestle that dire bear inside down.
Finally, you have to go into that village and (do a very not-nice thing which I don't explicitly mention for eric's granny's sake, to) the mayor's daughter."

The human commoner took the bottle of elven feywine, and downed in one go. Then he staggered into the cave, and soon there were (human) cries of anguish and (bearish) roars of anger to be heard. Finally, the dead drunk (and almost dead without anything after it) human commoner staggered out again, his clothes (and skin) in tatters and badly bruised and all, and he said. "OK, done that. Now where's that mayor's daugter I have to wrestle down?"


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## shilsen (Sep 26, 2004)

Here's one which I read on these boards a long time ago, but I can't recall who posted it (please take credit if you did):

Two priests of Ehlonna come to a small town and set up a flower shop. With their magic and knowledge of nature, they soon start producing exotic blooms and flowers in such volume that they undercut prices and begin driving the local flower shop out of business.

Bob, the owner of the local flower shop, tries everything he can to beat the clerics. He cuts his prices, gives special deals, and even turns up to the Ehlonnans' shop and explains what they are doing to him. His new competitors don't care.

Finally, in desperation, Bob goes to the local thug named Hugh, and hires him to deal with the problem. The very next day, Hugh turns up to the Ehlonnans' shop and beats the manure out of them, scaring them so badly that they close their shop and leave.

What's the moral of the story?

Only Hugh can stop florist friars.


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## Zweischneid (Sep 26, 2004)

Yeah, there a few of those morality tales around 
I'll try one, though I doubt the translation will come of too well.


Once upon a time in a lonely tower not too far from here, lived a young apprentice wizard. He was studious, diligent and talented, but he was also very ambitious, craving to be the greatest wizard of his age. And he hated his master, who always set him to humbling chores like cleaning, cooking or cutting wood. And so he vowed to repay him these humiliations a thousandfold.

One fateful day, while dusting off his masters moldy tomes, he stumbled upon a faded parchment that fell from the pages of a particularly old and dusty tome. He glanced at it, looked closer and his heart nearly stopped. 
There, on this ancient piece of paper, was written the tale of the mightiest artefact of all. A plain and inconspicuous little ring it was, but one that would enhance the might and power of any wizard who wore it a thousandfold.

That very night, before the sun came up, the young wizard had left his masters tower, setting out to quest for this fabulous ring.
Years upon years he sought the ring, fought battles, braved dangers and visited many strange and exotic land. And any challenge he faced, he faced  well, because he had doubts, when his resolve was failing or his courage left him, he held on to the thought that once he found the ring, his spells would be mightier than that of any other wizard by a thousandfold. 

And so, finally, the no longer young wizard found the ring he sought, the goal of his almost lifelong quest. The ring, it really did exist. Sadly though, the wizard did not live very long to enjoy his success. In fact as it is told, he died the next morning in a humble tavern, just a bit before sunrise. 
Igniting as always the candle beside his bed in the morning with a flick of his wrist, he found his spell was indeed mightier now, many thousandfold.


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## knitnerd (Sep 26, 2004)

fanboy2000 said:
			
		

> A human cleric, dwarven fighter, and a elvan ranger walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
> 
> That's our joke!


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## fba827 (Sep 26, 2004)

I thought this was the thread for "best rpg joke" ?  I'm still waiting...


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## Robbert Raets (Sep 29, 2004)

fba827 said:
			
		

> I thought this was the thread for "best rpg joke" ?  I'm still waiting...



 There's a 'dnd pickup lines' thread over on wizards' mature thinktank that's pretty hilarious....


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## Slife (Oct 1, 2004)

How many prophets does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven.  One to change the lightbulb, and one to confuse the issue.


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## Nuclear Platypus (Oct 1, 2004)

STARP_President said:
			
		

> You know what? I'm really sorry I started this thread.




Don't feel bad. Be happy for me (yet sad for my gaming group) as this is giving me verbal components for Tasha's Hideous Laughter as my halfling edges towards the Arcane Trickster. Even scarier will be his command word for Otto's Irresistable Dance: "macarena".


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## Slife (Oct 3, 2004)

And another...

How many ENworlders does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten, one to change it, and nine to complain that the 3.0 lightbulb was better.


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## Joker[ZW] (Oct 4, 2004)

Slife said:
			
		

> Ten, one to change it, and nine to complain that the 3.0 lightbulb was better.



Nah, one to change it, one to complain that the 3.0 lightbulb was better, one to mention that the lightbulb might shock a certain grandma and the last one to state, that the original lightbulb was the only "real" lightbulb, all other lightbulbs are just bad imitations of the real one.


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## mythusmage (Oct 5, 2004)

How many wizards does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has to fail its save.


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## Saeviomagy (Oct 5, 2004)

KaeYoss said:
			
		

> I don't get it.



The point is - you stood there and listened to that whole joke for nothing.

Personally I think it's far, far better off done with no actual script in mind. Just keep rambling on with things that are repetetive and not funny until the joke listener gets tired and walks off.

If he says something like "what's the point" or "is there a punchline coming soon" you just fob him off with "hang on, I'm getting there" or "this is all really important to the joke, so make sure you keep note".


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## fafhrd (Oct 5, 2004)

Zweischneid said:
			
		

> "My armor is like tenfold shields, my teeth are swords, my claws spears, the shock of my tail a thunderbolt, my wings a hurricane, and my breath death"




That's it.  The next wyrm I throw at my party is going to be named Halitosis.


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## Kae'Yoss (Oct 5, 2004)

Joker[ZW] said:
			
		

> Nah, one to change it, one to complain that the 3.0 lightbulb was better, one to mention that the lightbulb might shock a certain grandma and the last one to state, that the original lightbulb was the only "real" lightbulb, all other lightbulbs are just bad imitations of the real one.




One to start to bash lightbulbs as the arrogant bastards they are.
One to start to argue with the bulb-basher and complain that lightbulbs should be much stronger.
One to defend the 3.5 lightbulb and state that the old lightbulbs had too many limitations.


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## TheAuldGrump (Oct 5, 2004)

KaeYoss said:
			
		

> One to start to bash lightbulbs as the arrogant bastards they are.
> One to start to argue with the bulb-basher and complain that lightbulbs should be much stronger.
> One to defend the 3.5 lightbulb and state that the old lightbulbs had too many limitations.




And one to ask if lightbulb changing is done better with PCGen, Dundjinni, RPM, E-Tools, DM's Familiar....

The Auld Grump


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## Red Wyrmling (Oct 5, 2004)

*What's the difference between haggis and a half-orc? 

Haggis actually does contain brains.


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## TheAuldGrump (Oct 5, 2004)

Red Wyrmling said:
			
		

> *What's the difference between haggis and a half-orc?
> 
> Haggis actually does contain brains.




How do you get a one handed half-orc out of a tree?
Wave.

The Auld Grump


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## Red Wyrmling (Oct 5, 2004)

*  What's the difference between haggis and a half-orc? 

    Haggis actually does contain brains.

*  How do you bury a dwarf? 

    You leave his ass above ground so you can park your bike in it.

*  Whay happens when you blow in an orc's ear?

    You give him a braintransplant.

*  What's a half-orc in a library?

    Lost!

*  Santa, a stupid orc and a smart orc are walking down the street, they all
    see a $50 bill lying on the ground, who'll be the first to pick it up?

    The stupid orc of course, the other two don't exist.

*  How does a half orc try to kill a bird?

    He throws it of a cliff.

*  How can you keep an orc busy for hours?

    You just write: "Turn me over" on both sides of a piece of paper.

*  Why does a dwarf take a stone and matches to his his bed?

    They use the stone to throw out the lamp, and the matches to check if 
    it's really out!

*  How do you call a female orc with 2 braincells?

    Pregnant!


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## TheAuldGrump (Oct 5, 2004)

What do you call 2 dead halflings, 3 dead gnomes, and a dead half-elf?

A good start to the adventure...


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