# Experience Points:  Foxes and Hedgehogs



## Dannyalcatraz (Jun 12, 2013)

I'm an entertainment lawyer, and for years I've been trying to tell people- some in quite dire circumstances- that becoming a success in entertainment & sports is as difficult as any other discipline.  Odds are good that you simply won't "make it"...especially if you engage in risky behaviors or do drugs.  

I can deliver all the stories about successes and failures you want, but its hard to tell someone the simple truths without crushing their dreams or sounding like a hater.  But this year, after all this time, I hit upon the formulation that is concise and to the point:
_*
"Opportunities are rarer than talent."*_

Nobody wants to hear that.  But its true.

We're all good at something.  Sometimes, those things are valued enough by society that we can make money at them.  But nobody is so talented that success is a sure thing.  It doesn't matter how talented you are at what's you do, if nobody gives you a chance to prove it, you won't rise to prominence.

OK, its just an observation- how does it tie into the hard-to-follow advice question?  Well, the reason I talk about opportunity vs talent is because I see so many people who think that they don't need a backup plan if their dreams of being a rock singer, author, or star running back never materialize.  The old "all your eggs in one basket" saw has a deep truth to it: if, despite all your talent, you don't make it to the NFL or sell more than 3000 copies of an album, what do you do then?

*"Have a backup plan."*

That's the advice.  So simple, so difficult.

Some people get it; most don't.


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## Rel (Jun 12, 2013)

Danny, thanks for offering such constructive responses, week after week.  I really appreciate you taking the time.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Jun 12, 2013)

Got nuttin better to do.  

Bonus second piece of difficult advice: view D'Mite's video, "Read a Book"- truest rap song ever written.


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## Nellisir (Jun 12, 2013)

Very sorry about the loss of your dog.  I have had pets my entire life, so I've had to have a number of animals put down, and it's not an easy thing.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Jun 13, 2013)

One of the best pieces of difficult to follow advice actually shows up in the movie, _Roadhouse_, uttered by Patrick Swayze's character: "...*be nice until it is time not to be nice."*

There are two bits of wisdom in there.  The first part is clear-ish: be nice.  People like nice people, generally speaking.  And when your are not nice, they may well reciprocate.  Not being nice makes life more difficult.  For everyone.

Obvious, right?  Except so few people follow it.  They'll be nice when they think it suits them, and then mouth off to someone when they think it will do them good...or make them feel better.  The problem is, you really never know who you talking to.  I have a host of stories, personal and third-hand, in which Person A mistreated another human being, only to find out that that person had a great deal of power over how Person A's future would look, short term or long.

But the last part is just as important.  Just because you are nice or are simply BEING nice, there comes a time when you must stand up for yourself or another.  Its the way of the world.  Even a certain carpenter's son in the ancient world once wrecked a few stores in a temple...

Even so, it isn't license to simply go off.  The response chosen must be chosen with conscious thought, not merely a reaction.  A mere reaction will probably not get the desired result.  A considered one has a much better chance.

And living by both parts of that little Hollywood script means CONSCIOUSLY developing your empathy.  Because if you can't view an interaction from a variety of positions, you're going to add more grit than lube to the workings of the world on balance.


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## Rel (Jun 19, 2013)

I think I'm better at being nice than I am shifting gears to Not Nice when necessary.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Jun 19, 2013)

Most people are, which is why I always come down on the side of "people are fundamentally good" side of certain philosophical arguments.


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## diaglo (Jun 20, 2013)

i tend to throw out a lot of details. way too many it seems when we game.
last session the party was instructed they could cleanse an evil goblin temple, but avoid the village as it was heavily populated. and avoid the mountains near the temple as there might be giants (istanbul not constantinople). they had fought the goblins before and knew they used poison. they even gave some to their church to make antidotes.

so back to this session.

advice was flowing freely to questions asked by the party. potions and scrolls of healing. they had holy water. they found someone who had been to the temple. 
but at no point did they take the antidotes.


my advice is always remember what has gone on before. heck, i do a run down of the last session before each new session.

4 or sometimes more brains and their notes plus laptops in front of them. and i was the only one to have prepped for the poison using goblins.

first goblin encounter... half the party is poisoned. doh.

edit: this is life in general for me. i often feel like Cassandra. don't forget your umbrella it looks like rain.


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## Inez Hull (Jun 21, 2013)

The best and hardest to follow advice I have is to not give advice! Seriously. People do what fits with their own beliefs, values and where they are at in their life. However well intentioned, most advice will either be telling the person what they already know (condescending) or be inappropriate to what the person wants or feels capable of (unempathetic). I've found that listening genuinely, with the occasional curious and agenda-less question is as good as it gets. As soon as you start taking responsibility for the other persons decisions your ability to help is compromised. That said YMMV , this is just what I've found. 

[all said with full awareness of the irony that I've just offered advice - in real conversation I would hope I wouldn't do it thus way]


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## Dannyalcatraz (Jun 21, 2013)

> ...telling the person what they already know (condescending)...




I don't think most people would see that as "condescending" except possibly in moments of extreme pressure- "reinforcing" is probably more accurate.


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## Janx (Jun 21, 2013)

Dannyalcatraz said:


> I don't think most people would see that as "condescending" except possibly in moments of extreme pressure- "reinforcing" is probably more accurate.




That's probably more accurate.  Say Danny tells me about his problem client, he's leaning toward Solution A.  I listen to his problem and say, "If I was you, I'd do Solution A."  Danny's happy because I just reinforced what he wanted to do as a good idea.

Now in an alternate reality, I instead suggest Solution B instead.  Solution B may actually be the better choice.  Danny is not happy with me or my advice.  He gets defensive, and dismisses my opinion, as after all, I am not a lawyer, what do I know?

Giving advice/opinion that matches the listeners is usually welcome and varies in how useful it is.  If Danny just needed encouragement, that's great.  if Danny was wrong, that's not great.  Worse, if Danny's wrong, I can't help him with this approach.

In real life, as a software engineer, I find that I am light years ahead of where the customer is on what they need and how to solve the problem.  So I can come in with the "let's do it this way because your business will need it", and the client will balk and try to do some half-arsed thing instead.  Then, weeks or months later, they will come back with change requests for the very solution I had handed them originally.

I have a theory, that if you can guide the other person to come to the same conclusion you have by going through the steps, you're more likely to get them over, than to just give them a solution or "advice"


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## Gilladian (Jun 22, 2013)

I have to say I agree with Janx. In my job people come in to me with situations they're seeking information for all the time. They expect advice/help along with the book or other resource I hand them. Legally, in many situations, advice is exactly what I can't give them. However, if I can indicate to them WHERE to go to get the info that will lead them to good decisions... I can often save them some time and trouble. 

Case in point; this one is tragic. A mom who has a child about 10 years old. Child has brain tumor. Has been in treatment for several years, has undergone clinical trials, the whole nine yards. Child is in remission at this time, but long-term prospects of a cure are nil. Mother is a bit of an "alt medicine" believer, and now has the child on a "natural diet" cure. Parent is also seeking alternative treatments online. I direct her to a website (among several that I recommended) warning people NOT to fall for a particular alternative treatment center located here in Texas that is VERY bogus, offering horrible supposed cures that do nothing except rob families of income and offer false hope.

In the long run, she read that site's info, and ended up thanking me; I had shown her, without EVER indicating how I felt about him, how bad this guy was, by providing her with an alternate source of real information. She'd heard of his "miracle cures" and was actually contemplating a visit to his clinic. She was able to stay clear of something via her own decision, yet I never had to try to voice my (very science-based) personal opinions, which would not have sat well with her.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Jun 22, 2013)

Now you have ME curious!

I understand what you're saying, though- a lot of professionals have to stop short of actually giving advice, at least in certain situations.

Among other things, I'm an attorney, but one area that I'm moving into is mediation & arbitration.  And in those fields, your role is to be a third party neutral.  IOW, giving advice is a BIG no-no.  It can be seen as bias towards one side, and can be grounds for overturning a deal, and could even costs your your ability to call yourself a mediator.

We spend a lot of time training in role-play sessions- alas, no dice, no blasters, no spells, no dragons- in which at least one party is at a power disadvantage or aware of your other training (whatever it may be) and ask you for advice.  And you have to dance around with your answers...or in certain circumstances, remains silent as an unliving wall.


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## Gilladian (Jun 24, 2013)

If you're wondering who I was "warning her off" of, without quite openly doing so, just research Burzynski clinic. After 20+ years of running "clinical trials" he's NEVER managed to complete a SINGLE trial and announce results - successful or otherwise. I can't talk about how I feel about him here; it's not politically correct!


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## Dannyalcatraz (Jun 24, 2013)

Looked, and I understand.

My father is an MD, and he- along with his staff AND my mother & I- walks a tightrope of steering patients away from certain places without actually bad mouthing them.


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