# Best D&D Joke



## Pielorinho (Jul 13, 2004)

http://slumbering.lungfish.com/ is often the home of dorko humor, but today's update is especially great.  Enjoy!


Daniel


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## Altamont Ravenard (Jul 13, 2004)

If you told that joke at my table, you'd have dice thrown at you 

AR


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## Cthulhu's Librarian (Jul 13, 2004)

Boo! Hiss! Get off the stage!


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## Henry (Jul 13, 2004)

I loved the one Piratecat tells about a Sundering Fighter fighting a Kuo-toa named Pol who is dual-wielding two pincer-staves...


How can you tell when a half-orc's been attacked by a Mind Flayer?
Oh, wait, you can't...


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## Henry (Jul 13, 2004)

A burly adventurer is drinking in a bar at a jungle outpost, when in stumbles an obviously drunk, dirty, half-naked man. The half-naked drunk man mumbles for a drink, and says to the barkeep, _"Boy, Murphy, your Whiskey is the best stuff on the planet! When I drink this stuff, it makes me strong enough to wrestle a Gorilla to sumbishum..err, sumbis... submission!"_ 

_"Get out of here, drunken fool!" _ The burly adventurer says. _"No one can wrestle an ape to submission, and certainly not while drunk."_

Surely just then, a thundering noise from outside erupts, as an Ape has broken through fortifications and is terrorizing the populace outside. The Burly man draws his weapon, but the drunken fool says, *GLUGGLUGGLUG* _"No wait, let me handle it!" _ And amazingly, the crowd watches through the doors as he stumbles outside, gives the massive gorilla a noogie, and wrestles it to the ground.

_"That's impossible!" _ Burly says. He grabs a bottle of whiskey from Murphy, drinks the whole bottle in one slam, and lurches forward to give the ape his own piece of what-for. The man is beaten senseless by the ape, slung over his shoulder, and taken back to the jungle forest.

The Drunk fool saunters in without the least trace of drunkenness, takes Burly's spot and wallet from the table, and orders another round.

Murphy chuckles under his breath and says, _"Tarzan, you are one crazy mother ."_


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## Hand of Evil (Jul 13, 2004)

Yea, and why to orcs have such big noses?

---------> ever look at their fingers!


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## Turanil (Jul 13, 2004)

The generator of droid names (that I found on that site) is especially cool. It should be of great use when DMing D20 Future. Here are two examples:


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## Piratecat (Jul 13, 2004)

What does a dwarven God and an armored dwarf falling down stairs have in common?

KLANGEDDIN KLANGeddin Klangeddin klangeddin. . .


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## Dark Jezter (Jul 13, 2004)

Archived thread containing a lot of D&D jokes.

I used that thread to find jokes for the halfling bard I'm making that has ranks in Perform (Comedy).  I'll keep an eye on this thread as well. 

I'll contribute a joke of my own...

One day, a bard who was visiting the city of Silverymoon decided to tour the countryside surrounding the city.  As he was walking through the woods, he heard a growling noise and decided to investigate.  When he reached the spot where the noise was coming from, he saw an elf being mauled by a 10-foot-tall grizzly bear.

Things were looking grim for the elf, when suddenly three dwarves burst out of the forest.  One dwarf shot the bear with a crossbow, causing him to drop the elf.  The other two dwarves then drew their axes and charged the bear, hacking at it until it was dead.

The bard was so amazed by this scene that he motioned for the dwarves to come to him, which they did.

"That was the bravest thing I've ever seen," said the bard.  "I'd always heard that elves and dwarves didn't get along with each other very well, but you have shown me that in the face of adversity, even elves and dwarves can set aside their differences and help each other.  Rest assured that I will write a song to commemorate your heroic deeds."

After the bard leaves, one of the dwarves said "Who was that?"

"I think he's one of those traveling bards.  They go from place to place, preserving events they witness in the form of song and poem."  Replied another dwarf.

"Well," said the first dwarf.  "He may know a lot about poetry, but he obviously dosen't know jack squat about bear hunting.  Now, is the bait doing okay, or do we need to go back to town and grab another elf?"


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## KenM (Jul 13, 2004)

What is a Jedi knight's favorite spell? 


   Cure Lightsaber wounds.


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## ArcOfCorinth (Jul 13, 2004)

What's red, green and can't turn around in a dungeon corridor?



Spoiler



A goblin impaled with a longspear.


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## Macbeth (Jul 14, 2004)

Henry said:
			
		

> I loved the one Piratecat tells about a Sundering Fighter fighting a Kuo-toa named Pol who is dual-wielding two pincer-staves...



Why doesn't this make sense to me? I don't get it...


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## Piratecat (Jul 14, 2004)

Ahh, that's because Henry didn't mention that the sundering fighter fumbles. When he does, he misses Pol's fish-sticks.


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## Xath (Jul 14, 2004)

Henry's Tarzan joke reminded me of another...

Two guys were sitting in a bar, in a skyscraper restauraunt in some city or another.  Anyway, the bar was on the twentieth floor.  So one guy turns to the other and says, "You know there's something amazing about the air currents around this building.  You can jump out of the window, and the currents will bring you back up."  The other man guffawed and said, "You're a drunken loon.  There's no way that could happen."  So the first man turned to the second and said "I'll prove it to you.  I bet you fifty bucks that I can jump out that window and I'll come right back up."  The second man says, "Okay, just make sure you put your money out now."  The first man places fifty bucks on the table and jumps out the window.  A few seconds later, he comes back up.  The second man is flabbergasted.  "Double or nothing," he says.  "That was a fluke.  You can't do it again."  So the first man puts another fifty bucks on the table and jumps out of the window.  A few seconds later he returns.  The second man pays him $100, shaking his head in amazement.  He says "This is amazing, I have to try this."  He jumps out of the window, and lands with a splat on the pavement.

The bartender turns to the first man.  "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman.


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## Snoweel (Jul 14, 2004)

*Kinda OT*

A guy writes in to the Guiness Book of Records:

"I have this 9 inch black, vinyl disc with a hole in the middle. Is that some kind of record?"


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## d4 (Jul 14, 2004)

more of a real-life anecdote than a joke, but still D&D-related. 

when i lived in San Francisco, our GM was a grad student at the University of San Francisco. he knew where there were empty classrooms on campus on the weekends, so that's where we gamed. it was great -- lots of space, big tables, a blackboard to draw maps on.

anyway, USF is actually a Jesuit-run school. one day we're gaming and we see a couple of priests peering through the window in the door at us, trying to figure out what we're doing. they leave after a few minutes.

one of my buddies says, "i bet they're going to come back and kick us out."

i said, "don't worry, we can take them. remember, they can only use blunt weapons!"


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## feydras (Jul 14, 2004)

my favorite D&D joke is actually a tag line i have seen floating around...

Jesus saves...  the rest of you take full damage.


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## ironmani (Jul 14, 2004)

feydras said:
			
		

> Jesus saves...  the rest of you take full damage.



Greatest joke ever!!!!!


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## KenM (Jul 14, 2004)

feydras said:
			
		

> my favorite D&D joke is actually a tag line i have seen floating around...
> 
> Jesus saves...  the rest of you take full damage.




  I want to make tshirt of Jesus rolling a D20 with the capton: Jesus saves.


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## RangerWickett (Jul 14, 2004)

I don't do jokes that well.  In fact, I tell jokes terribly.  But I like plays on words.  Inspired by an a capella group on my college campus, I created a group of villainous bards named 'Aural Pleasure.'  A lot of nice puns out of that one, if, y'know, you can call a pun 'nice.'


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## Piratecat (Jul 14, 2004)

I want to create a MnM villain named "The Acidic Jew." Now _there's_ a bad pun for you. Of course, I'm the same guy who used "The Caped Cod," so my judgment is clearly suspect.


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## diaglo (Jul 14, 2004)

read the story hour in my sig.

Olgar threw a Wight Wolf against us.

of course, in the conversation with the wolf's master. the only thing we heard was white wolf.


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## d4 (Jul 14, 2004)

diaglo said:
			
		

> Olgar threw a Wight Wolf against us.



i heard of someone doing that with a Wight (red) Dragon. PCs did their research and thought they were going to face a white dragon, so they stocked up on fireballs and protection from cold spells...


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## Xath (Jul 14, 2004)

Protection from fire?


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## Demmero (Jul 14, 2004)

I can't believe I don't see my all-time favorite joke either in this thread or in the archived one Dark Jezter gave a link to!  No idea where I first heard it, but it was several years back, and I don't remember it all, so I'll have to ad lib a little....

A pair of very virtuous paladins arranged a rendezvous so they could swap stories of good deeds done, foul monsters vanquished, etc.  The first arrived at the meeting place, and a few minutes later the second showed up, riding on an unfamiliar horse.  After a few words of greeting, the first paladin motioned towards the horse and said, "I can tell there's a story behind your new mount."  The second paladin nodded and proceeded to tell the tale.

"On my way to our meeting, I was traveling through the woods and heard someone crying out for help.  I raced forward and found a young maiden on horseback surrounded by a dozen goblins.  I charged to her defense and slew all the goblins.  The lass insisted that I take a reward of some sort, even though I told her that none was expected.

"She climbed down off the horse and peeled off all her clothes, leaving them in a pile by the horse.  Then she slowly approached me. 'Take anything you desire from me,' she said in a strange, husky voice."

The first paladin looked at his comrade, then at the horse, and finally nodded.

"You chose wisely," he said.  "The clothes would never have fit you."


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## Silver Moon (Jul 15, 2004)

Not a joke, but a gaming related story that you might enjoy (some of you have probably already heard this one before):


My wife Kriskrafts and I never agree on what type of milk to purchase. She drinks skim milk, where as I always go for whole milk or 2%. As a result, we usually buy both kinds. 

Shortly after our first child was born she decides to cook up a batch of brownies for the game. They come out of the oven just as the game is about to start, and she brings them in to the game room. The entire group digs in, and players start to comment about how good they are. Kris then says "And they're healthy for you too, because they were made with my milk." As the players begin to gag and spit out the food she realizes what she said, and explains that she meant skim milk.


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## Kae'Yoss (Jul 15, 2004)

feydras said:
			
		

> my favorite D&D joke is actually a tag line i have seen floating around...
> 
> Jesus saves...  the rest of you take full damage.




Jesus saves... passes to Moses... SCOOOORE!


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## Kae'Yoss (Jul 15, 2004)

Then there's the other classic:

A couple of adventurers - a dwarf and a heavily loaded human walk the wilderness, when they suddenly see a bunch of orc barbarians coming over the hill. Of course, they charge immediately, and the two flee (as they're outnumbered). The human looks back, sees that they're gaining, and starts to open the straps that hold his pack.
So the Dwarf asks him: "What are you doing? Even without your loot you won't be faster than them!"

To which the Human replies: "But I'll be faster than you, and that's enough."


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## Dark Jezter (Jul 15, 2004)

Great jobs, Dammero and Silver Moon.  Your jokes both had me in stitches. 

Q:  Why are dead elves buried 30 feet underground instead of 6?
A:  Because deep down, they aren't really that arrogant.

Q:  What do elves use as contraceptives?
A:  Their personalities.

Q:  Why does Luskan have bloodthirsty pirates and Silverymoon have elves?
A:  Luskan got to pick first.

Q:  What's brown and black and looks good on an elf?
A:  A rottweiler.

Q:  What is the inherent problem with elf jokes?
A:  Elves don't think they're funny, and nonelves don't think they're jokes.


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## Kae'Yoss (Jul 16, 2004)

3 Adventurers -  a dwarf, a halfling and a gnome -  meet the Druid-Hierophant of Obad-Hai. The Dwarf, Biffi (Stoneaxe) asks him "Does the Church of Obad-Hai have any dwarven nuns in the north?" And the other two start to grin. When he tells him that there are no dwarven nuns of Obad-Hai anywhere, the gnome and halfling start to chant "BIFFI **** A PENGUIN!! BIFFI **** A PENGUIN!! BIFFI **** A PENGUIN!!"


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## Kae'Yoss (Jun 24, 2005)

*I know I know, bumping and all...*

What's worse than a room full of angry half-orcs?

One half-orc with the key.


Two elves meet. One is considerably late to the meeting.
"Where have you been?"
"I found a dwarf and had to bury him"
"And that took you 6 hours?"
"Not my fault, he wouldn't hold still!"


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## Angel Tarragon (Jun 24, 2005)

ROFFLOP!


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