# Dealing with depression, anxiety, and ennui



## RJR-23 (Jan 3, 2005)

As a long-time sufferer from depression and long-time lurker on enworld, I thought the time was right to bring the two together.

As I enter the new year, I find myself struck with a case of the blahs.  Not full-blown depression, by any means, but more like a kind of ennui, a feeling of aimlessness, tinged with anxiety about the future.

I love a wonderful wife and daughter, good parents, stable job, religious faith, etc.  Life is good...objectively, I see that.

But I feel as if something's missing.  Right now, the problem (I think, at least) has to do witih artistic aspirations.  I'm a writer.  Not an author, mind you.  Just a writer.    I'm currently working on a writing project, a "young adult" novel, yet find it hard to make time to write, and find it equally hard to maintain the passion for the project.

Part of me wants to write a horror novel, a novel about depression itself, couched in a Silent-Hill type story.  I'm planning to run a D20 Modern/Dark*Matter game along these lines, and RPGs have often fed my writing in the past.

I know I'm rambling a bit, for which I apologize.  I guess I'm just unsatisfied with my current career (I'm a high school English teacher) and wanting to either be satisfied or get published and find satisfaction there.

I feel lonely, yet don't want friends.  I think of the words of a song I've been hearing on the radio: "I am extraordinary, if you ever get to know me." I feel that no one wants to get to know me.  My wife tells me that I need to reach out to others first...but I don't want to.

I don't know *what* I want sometimes.  

Anyway, sorry for all the babbling.  But I've been lurking in this forum for eight months now, and it seemed safe.   


RJR-23


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## Crothian (Jan 3, 2005)

Not an uncommon feeling really.  These things happen to most people and one just has to learn how you yourself should best deal with them.


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## Darkness (Jan 3, 2005)

RJR-23 said:
			
		

> I feel that no one wants to get to know me. My wife tells me that I need to reach out to others first...but I don't want to.



 People do want to get to know you. They just don't know where to start.


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## Berandor (Jan 3, 2005)

I know the problem. It's not that you don't want to make the first step, it's more that you think even when doing the first step people will likely not take the second. Why bother?

I have similar experiences, and I really don't have a *lot* of acquaintances. When I'm invited to a party, part of me doesn't want to go. But the other part foprces me to go, and I usually end up having a great time. (just as an example)
Maybe there's a writer's workshop in your area that you could attend? Or you might want to try and chat up some of your colleagues if they seem nice. Or parents from your kids' school, or members of your parish - try like-minded individuals (maybe hang out in the game shop).


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## AuroraGyps (Jan 4, 2005)

*Welcome to the club *



			
				RJR-23 said:
			
		

> As a long-time sufferer from depression and long-time lurker on enworld, I thought the time was right to bring the two together.
> 
> I feel lonely, yet don't want friends.  I think of the words of a song I've been hearing on the radio: "I am extraordinary, if you ever get to know me." I feel that no one wants to get to know me.  My wife tells me that I need to reach out to others first...but I don't want to.
> 
> ...




You may suffer from a Social Disorder in addition to the depression.  I myself have had the problem for about 20 years (plus depression), althought I only finally got a name for it a few years ago.  There's a cartoon Zoloft commercial that talks about it.  It makes wanting to be around people sometimes a difficult thing, feeling awkward around people & worrying about what you do or say and what they think of you.
As a person that's been there and going through that, I suggest that you go see a Psychiatrist &/or therapist (if you don't already) to get some help.  Emotional problems are really hard for alot of people to comprehend (although, there are some that do, or at least really try, like your wife & my mom).  Professionals (the right professional... be picky, it's your brain they're tinkering with) can help you find ways to cope with your problems that work for you (takes some trial and error, but it's worth it when you find something that works well) and if need be prescribe meds (if that's a way to go).
Anyways, I wish you luck.  You are not the only one out there going through stuff like this (I myself am going through a REALLY bad time right now, but I'm pluggin' along).  Also, you picked a great place to talk about your problems.  ENWorld has some of the nicest people around and I've rambled on about my problems here a few times (try finding my Leaving Buffalo thread that I started a couple of weeks ago and you'll see what I mean).  The RPG community, and ENWorld in particular, is a great community to belong to.  Welcome and good luck.


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## haiiro (Jan 4, 2005)

RJR-23 said:
			
		

> I feel lonely, yet don't want friends.  I think of the words of a song I've been hearing on the radio: "I am extraordinary, if you ever get to know me." I feel that no one wants to get to know me.  My wife tells me that I need to reach out to others first...but I don't want to.




I have no business asking this, but I'm pretty blunt -- and you brought it up. Are you close to your wife?

That's the part that jumps out at me -- is there a connection there that _isn't_ there, or should I be taking your post at face value?

If the latter, then I guess the question becomes, are you afraid to reach out to people becausre you don't want to deal with the potential rejection? If so, I guess I can only say there's not a whole lot of choice -- making connections involves a willingness to risk getting hurt.

So yeah, I'm a real ray of sunshine here. My apologies if I've offended you -- and without a hint of irony, welcome to EN World. This is a good place, and you're not the only one who has voiced serious personal things here. IMO, it is indeed a pretty safe place.


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## The Other Librarian (Jan 4, 2005)

There are only two paths in life: Existential Angst or Denial.    

More seriously though, there is a preoccupation in our culture with instant gratification and instant happiness.  Unfortunately life is just not like that.  A wiser man than me has it that all life is suffering.  Sometimes you just have to slog a while to get to the good bits (assuming this is just a phase and not clinical depression or other medical issue).  

My advice fwiw: focus on what makes you happy.  Maybe your writing, maybe reconnecting with your wife. Find a good gaming group.  Taking a break from TV helps to clear the mind and refocus on what you want out of life.   And be afraid of a false consistency ( as Emerson counseled).  If  you find you don't have the passion for writing you thought you had, no big.  Go back to enjoying literature as  just a reader., and throw your ideas into gaming.

Here's one that might be a biggie.  Don't know how old your daughter is, but spend time with her, help her find her passions and encourage her.  I think the rewards of that alone may help pull you out of the funk!

All the best


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## Berandor (Jan 4, 2005)

AuroraGyps said:
			
		

> You may suffer from a Social Disorder in addition to the depression.  I myself have had the problem for about 20 years (plus depression), althought I only finally got a name for it a few years ago.  There's a cartoon Zoloft commercial that talks about it.  It makes wanting to be around people sometimes a difficult thing, feeling awkward around people & worrying about what you do or say and what they think of you.



I don't think that's a social disorder; I'd say that's quite normal for people in general.

Some people overcome their anxiety more easily than others, but convincing oneself that the awkwardness is not normal and indeed, most people open themselves to being hurt without worry and also are in turn never hurt by opening up only adds to the problem, since the awkwardness is now "clinical", and not simply natural.

But of course, you don't sell any pills with such an approach.


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## NeutralGood (Jan 4, 2005)

Berandor said:
			
		

> I don't think that's a social disorder; I'd say that's quite normal for people in general.
> 
> Some people overcome their anxiety more easily than others, but convincing oneself that the awkwardness is not normal and indeed, most people open themselves to being hurt without worry and also are in turn never hurt by opening up only adds to the problem, since the awkwardness is now "clinical", and not simply natural.
> 
> But of course, you don't sell any pills with such an approach.




I disagree, having anxiety when you meet new people is not a normal reaction.  Humans are a social creatures, have you ever seen "Castaway"?  You end up going insane and talking to a volleyball.

If you don't want to make friends just try to get closer with your wife and daughter.  As for making time for writing, do it.  Stop making excuses, tell your wife and daughter on x day during x time you'll be busy so please don't disturb me.  Combating depression is easier than most people think.  I've been Manic/Depressive for as long as I can remember.  I don't take drugs, I just work through it in my own ways.  My friends are my biggest support.  DnD is also a great way for me to get away for a while and forget my problems.  Its all how you *let* yourself think and act.  

Here's a short list of things that have helped me fight depression.
1.) exercise, takes your mind off other things and in the processes gets you into shape.  Not only that but at the same time your self-esteem will increase with wieght loss.
2.) Stop drinking caffine.  It seems odd, but it increases your heart rate since its a vascular constrictor.  Which can help bring on anxiety attacks.  It also keeps you up late and if your like myself you have a hard enough time falling asleep being an insomniac.
3.) Hobbies, the more time you spend being busy the less time you have to sit around and think.  Your interested in writing, so you need to sit down and write.  It'll be a great stress reliever.  Take a class after work, pay the 180 bucks and 40 dollars for a book to take a class at the local community college.  You could also take up martial arts, its exercise, mental relaxation, and disipline.  All of which are great for a chaotic mind that never seems to wanna stop thinking.

Hope I helped.


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## Cintra (Jan 4, 2005)

I agree that the sort of anxiety you describe isn't normal. (And I entirely disagree with Berandor's comments about pill-selling; some people gain a great deal of benefit from such things. I deal with my own issues without medication, so far, but two of my family members use anti-depressants and I've seen the difference it makes, just in giving them a steady base-line and preventing the incredible lows they'd otherwise experience.)

I was dealing with some pretty intense feelings of loneliness earlier this year - I managed to convince myself that my relatively-few friends was major evidence that I was worthless as a person.  My husband was very supportive in getting me through it, but ultimately, I just had to weather it.  I really don't know how I managed to get past it, just that things seem better now.  Honestly, I think it had a lot to do with putting together our new gaming group a few months back - new random strangers who ended up thinking I was an okay person did more for me than my husband telling me I'm okay, since that's sort of his job...

So reaching out to new people is a good thing to do, even if it's hard. The folks here are pretty good support, and I think posting here was a good first step.  Since you enjoy writing, if you haven't already, maybe you could post some of your ideas for your horror/D20 Modern/Dark*Matter campaign here in an appropriate forum, and get some dialogue going about that - shared idea generation with a consistent group of online friends.  You might also consider mentioning where you're from (or adding it to your profile, I didn't see that info under your name) if you're willing to get to know some of the people here and any happen to live in your area.  That might be easier than looking for a writer's group etc.; somehow, for me, getting together with other gamers is an infinitely safer way to start a new friendship than joining a local hobby group.


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## diaglo (Jan 4, 2005)

here is a resource from my place of work: 

start here 

and then go  here next


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## AuroraGyps (Jan 5, 2005)

Berandor said:
			
		

> I don't think that's a social disorder; I'd say that's quite normal for people in general.
> 
> Some people overcome their anxiety more easily than others, but convincing oneself that the awkwardness is not normal and indeed, most people open themselves to being hurt without worry and also are in turn never hurt by opening up only adds to the problem, since the awkwardness is now "clinical", and not simply natural.
> 
> But of course, you don't sell any pills with such an approach.




I just mention the commercial, because it lists alot of the symptoms of social disorder. I've had an anxiety problem since I was about 12, and while the symptoms have changed a bit over the years, it's still basically the same thing.  It wasn't until the Summer of 2001 that I was given a name for my problem "Social Anxiety Disorder" and prescribed Paxil (which does make a difference).  Later, the Zoloft the commercials came out, & was all, "Hey, that's me!" I'm not going to go way into details of my symptoms (a very long and boring list), but I seriously do really freak out at times, while other times they're more subtle.  Every person is different.  Just because two people don't have the same symptoms at the same intensity, doesn't mean they both don't have the same disorder.  Some can get through things with out meds, some need the meds, whether for long term or just to get over an especially rough spot in treatment.  Plus, I hae the depression thing, which is mostly brought on by how my anxiety problem effects my life.
I still say to check with a professional (if you don't already for the depression).  A lot of them have questionnaires that can help pinpoint if you really do have a social disorder, if you're just going through a rough time, or if that's just the way you are.  And again, good luck.


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## nakia (Jan 5, 2005)

RJR-23 said:
			
		

> I know I'm rambling a bit, for which I apologize.  I guess I'm just unsatisfied with my current career (I'm a high school English teacher) and wanting to either be satisfied or get published and find satisfaction there.




I get what your saying.  I feel the tension between the creative and the "practical" frequently.  Sometimes that tension, combined with other factors, puts me in the same place it sounds as if you are at.

I was seriously helped by talking to a professional.  It wasn't some long term thing, just a few months of hour-a-week sessions.  It was great just to have someone devoted entirely to listening to you, if only for an hour a week, and addressing your needs and feelings.   It also helped that this person was not my wife or loved one.  That sounds odd, and I never told the counselor anything I did not or had not shared with my wife, but the personal distance between the counselor and myself gave some perspective you don't get with folks that are closer to you.  

I find I feel better, when I get in those emotional spaces you are talking about, if I make myself do something productive.  It's hard, because you don't feel like doing anything creative or productive, but otherwise I'd just enter this downward spiral of suck -- not doing anything, then feeling bad about not doing anything, which makes it harder to get off my butt to do anything, etc.  And watching six hours of "The Real World" is not good for anyone's emotional state.    So, I'll make myself write, even if it turns out to be crap, or read some poetry, or anything that will allow me to say "look at what I did today."  Exercise is always helpful, too.

Not knowing what one wants is fine.  It's the ianition caused by not trying to find out that's the real problem.

Hopefully, this is helpful.  Keep us posted.


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## Pigeon (Jan 5, 2005)

Berandor said:
			
		

> But of course, you don't sell any pills with such an approach.




One of the most frustrating part of my job (mental health nurse) is trying to persuade people who are slightly or moderatly depressed that the answer to all their problems isn't a change in the colour tablet they swallow.  Anti-deppressents work, but they also have side effects and create a feeling that the individual is helpless and all that can help is an external cure.

I'm all for medication for severly depressed people on the other hand.

My personal treatment of choice is, as someone has already mentioned, execise, meaningful activity, and also a good bit of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy).  One very good CBT self help book is mind over mood, which they sell at amazon, I use it extensively with people at work and I can honestly say it works if you put the effort and comitment in.


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## Qlippoth (Jan 6, 2005)

Pigeon said:
			
		

> My personal treatment of choice is, as someone has already mentioned, execise, meaningful activity, and also a good bit of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy).



I can't agree enough--there are plenty of people who really can benefit from medication, but EVERYBODY can learn more effective ways of dealing with life thru CBT. Do a good thing. Do it again. And again. Repeat. It works for some of the folks in the worst of places.


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## AuroraGyps (Jan 6, 2005)

Qlippoth said:
			
		

> I can't agree enough--there are plenty of people who really can benefit from medication, but EVERYBODY can learn more effective ways of dealing with life thru CBT. Do a good thing. Do it again. And again. Repeat. It works for some of the folks in the worst of places.




I'm with you guys.  I may take meds, but I know they're not for everyone and they shouldn't be prescribed willy-nilly.  I had my anxiety problem, which brought depression w/ it, since I was 12, but didn't try meds till I was 17, when things were just getting worse and I'd been hitting my head against the wall (metaphorically) for 5 years.  The main part of my treatment is learning what triggers my feeling badly (too many feelings to list, so I'll just sum up with "bad"), learning coping skills to get through the rough spots, and through life in general.
Meds should only be prescribed in emergancy situations or to a person just keeps failing to get over the hump in their therapy, trying thing after thing, and needs to just take off the edge on their problem to make them more able to figure out better ways function.  Then, hopefully, they can wean off the meds.  Feeling like you're just hitting your head against the wall over & over & over can make the original problem even worse.  Meds should be used as a tool, not a crutch.


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## Rel (Jan 6, 2005)

I'm generally a pretty upbeat and happy person the large majority of the time.  That sounds pretty good but I've also discovered that it means that I don't have a lot of skills at pulling myself out of a low when I hit one.

One thing that has almost never failed to make me feel better when I'm feeling crappy is doing something nice for someone else.  It doesn't have to be a grandiose gesture but whether it was buying my wife some flowers on the way home from a bad day at work or cleaning out the pantry and giving all the canned goods to the Food Bank, doing something nice for others makes me feel better.

If the small gestures don't help, try something more organized and ongoing.  Call the local retirement home or hospital and ask if they need any volunteer help.  Find someplace where you can help out doing just about anything.  Commit yourself to it and meet that commitment.

I would be terribly surprised if a few days or weeks of that didn't snap you out of your funk and even if it doesn't, you've helped a lot of people in your attempt to feel better.  You'll also be forced to interact with new people and all they'll know about you to start with is that you are the kind of person who is willing to give his time to help people he doesn't know.  That's a pretty great foot to start out on.

And keep coming and posting here.  You won't find a nicer and more supportive crowd anywhere else on the web.  They've helped me through some tough times and they'll keep helping you too.


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## Remathilis (Jan 6, 2005)

1.) You are in one of the most tight-knit communities on the internet today. Compared to some messageboards I've seen (D&D related or otherwise) this one has some of the most intelligent and thoughtful people I know. 

2.) Write what you want. Nothing is worse than trying to finish a project you don't wish to do. But your YA books aside and write a bit of your Silent-Hill story, even if you don't finish, you'll have had the creative outlet to allow your brain to release these built up ideas and tensions.

3.) I have a friend who's slightly shy and anti-social. It CAN be a chore to reach out, and feelings of fear and rejection can subtly influence such behavior, making it less desirable (negative stimuli). At the very least, you have a wife and child, plus some regular gaming group you fraternize with. Its a start, and more than some people have. 

4.) A friend of mine wrote this in my Livejournal. I'll quote her because I think its relevant. 



			
				gedankenspahne said:
			
		

> i think the new year is supposed to bring feelings of hope or anticipation...however, when one feels trapped, or lacking somehow (i don't know if this makes sense to you) they can tend to feel the same things, only in a negative connotation....? maybe you just need a piece of cheesecake?



I hope you find some measure of what you are looking for. Check back with us, for all your gaming and non-gaming needs!


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## AuroraGyps (Jan 6, 2005)

REL said:
			
		

> One thing that has almost never failed to make me feel better when I'm feeling crappy is doing something nice for someone else. It doesn't have to be a grandiose gesture but whether it was buying my wife some flowers on the way home from a bad day at work or cleaning out the pantry and giving all the canned goods to the Food Bank, doing something nice for others makes me feel better.




I too believe in the little things.  I try to always hold doors for people, wave "thank you" when a car lets me cross in front of them, and just try to generally be nice to people.  I worked bakery service in my local grocery store and LOVED to help customers.  I like to say that, "I really like people, they just freak me out".  
Also, don't forget little things for yourself too.  I'm chick, so for me it might be flowers, or a special magazine, a new nail polish, or some type food item (like good chocolate).  I try to never spend much (at the most $10, but sometimes it can be as little as buck or two) & I really try not to do it often, but sometimes ya just gotta treat yourself.  You know what they say, "Simple things for simple minds."  




			
				Remathilis said:
			
		

> Quote:
> Originally Posted by gedankenspahne
> i think the new year is supposed to bring feelings of hope or anticipation...however, when one feels trapped, or lacking somehow (i don't know if this makes sense to you) they can tend to feel the same things, only in a negative connotation....? maybe you just need a piece of cheesecake?




Has your friend been reading my mind?  She is quite wise.


PS:
I'll take this time to mention one other thing that helps me... animal therapy (if you like animals).  What do I mean by that?  Well, having a pet is one way... I don't know what I'd do with out my cat, Lady Zeal.  But, if you don't have a pet, try visiting friends/relatives that do (but not if they have cranky/grouchy pets... this defeats the purpose).  Or, stop by a pet store or shelter.  Granted, you may be inclined to adopt animals when ya just can't, but while you're there, you can give the animals a bit of attention while there stuck there.  I walk to and from the grocery store (the one I work at) and across the parking lot is a PetCo.  Many's the day that I'll say to myself, "I need some pet therapy," and so I'll stop by and say hello and give attention to all the animals that want it: kittens, cats, parrots, ferrets... whatever.  I tell them, and myself, "I may not be able to take you home, but I can give you a little love while I'm here."  Makes me feel good and I look forward to the day when thing are better in my life, so I can say, "You are coming home with me," to some sweet little thing (if Zeal can deal with not being queen bitch anymore).


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## Rel (Jan 6, 2005)

AuroraGyps said:
			
		

> Also, don't forget little things for yourself too.  I'm chick, so for me it might be flowers, or a special magazine, a new nail polish, or some type food item (like good chocolate).  I try to never spend much (at the most $10, but sometimes it can be as little as buck or two) & I really try not to do it often, but sometimes ya just gotta treat yourself.  You know what they say, "Simple things for simple minds."




I agree with this and I do this too, but when I'm in a bad funk I tend to overdo it sometimes.  I'll take a long hot bath and get myself some comfort food and then bury my face in the computer all night.  And that's fine.  But if I wake up the next morning and I don't feel like my usual self again, sometimes I'll tend to go right back into "Poor Me" mode and start trying to make myself feel better by more treats.

At that point what I'm really doing is ignoring my family (wife and daughter) and making their lives harder (particularly my wife).  It doesn't take me long to recognize this and then I feel even worse and, chances are, my wife is starting to get rather irritated at me being so self-indulgent and shutting her out.

That's why I try to resort to the altruism angle anytime I am in a depression that doesn't succumb to a very brief period of instant gratification.  I know it will make me feel better about myself (eating fatty foods and buying stuff sometimes makes me feel better but rarely makes me feel like a better person) and those close to me tend to be proud that I'm helping other people rather than irritated that I'm burying my nose in my navel.


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## Harmon (Jan 7, 2005)

Check out "The Ultimate Healing Guide" by Donald.... d'oh, I can't remember his name and I loaned out my two copies.   :\ 

It has really helped with my depression and the problems I have been through over the past two decades.

Also- massages help- course that is my cure all, feeling sick get a massage, got a speeding ticket- yep, you got it.    

Serious about the book- I hope I got the name right.  Check it out, look up diseases and colds and such, its a cool book.

Good luck, and don't give up on your writing- it hurts when you give up on a dream


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