# Descriptive phrases and expressions...



## Jesus_marley (Dec 11, 2006)

While I was at work today, I had the misfortune of driving through an area of town that for some reason absolutely reeked of raw sewage. I just so happened to be speaking to a coworker on the phone at the same time, and in trying to describe the smell I told him that it "had more funk than George Clinton".

This of course set my friend to laughing hysterically, which started me wondering about other humorous phrases and descriptions that people use. Post your humorous phrase or description here. It doesn't have to be original, but they get bonus points if you made them up yourself.


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## Scotley (Dec 11, 2006)

This one is going to get blocked by the filter, but it comes from the most recent Nelson DeMille book. The character was discribing why he was unhappy with his ex-wife. He said that 
"She thought cooking and ing were cities in china."

It think it works better said aloud, but it cracked me up.


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## kenobi65 (Dec 11, 2006)

There are a few I use a lot, but I'll need to modify some of them a bit here for the sake of the censor, and Eric's grandma.

1) "Carp in a hat!"  (Only, "carp" is an anagram.  )

2) "JHC on a motorcycle!" ("JHC" would be the name of the deity, complete with his middle initial...and I always wondered what "H." stood for in that, anyway...)

3) "Bastidge!  Farging icehole!"  (From the cheesy 1980s gangster spoof, "Johnny Dangerously"; there was a mobster who swore like a sailor, but also butchered English.)

I have a friend who almost never actually swears.  When he wants to, he uses either (a) geek swear words, or (b) mild expletives that your grandmother might have used.  His favorites are "feldercarb" (from the original "Battlestar Galactica"; it was one of Starbuck's favorites), and "glorioski".


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## MonkeyDragon (Dec 12, 2006)

When something really irritates me, I say that it boils my cabbage.

"Look, that person just parked in the handicap spot.  That just boils my cabbage."

I don't even like cabbage.


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## Aurora (Dec 12, 2006)

I have heard people say that things "chap their ass".


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## kenobi65 (Dec 12, 2006)

Aurora said:
			
		

> I have heard people say that things "chap their ass".




I hear that cabbage can chap one's ass.


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## Jesus_marley (Dec 12, 2006)

kenobi65 said:
			
		

> I hear that cabbage can chap one's ass.




But only if it's boiled first.


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## crystal (Dec 12, 2006)

ok here is one my hubby tells my daughter when she starts sayin she wishes she had this and she wishes she had that...She does this alot to tha point of anoyance. So he tells her to crap in one hand and wish in tha other and see wich one fills up faster. I know it sounds mean to say but her reply is priceless.... ewwwwwww yuck gross daddy I am not a monkey...


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## Jesus_marley (Dec 13, 2006)

But if she was she could just crap in one hand and then throw it at him.


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## Aurora (Dec 13, 2006)

Ever heard the one:
"It's colder than a witch's +i+ in a brass bra"
I have no idea where that came from or how it even makes sense, but my grandpa says it all the time.

And yes, if you aren't too "quick on the draw" + = t


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## kenobi65 (Dec 13, 2006)

Aurora said:
			
		

> Ever heard the one:
> "It's colder than a witch's +i+ in a brass bra"




Had never heard the longer version of that (with the bra).

Growing up, I heard the shorter version a lot (grew up in Wisconsin, where it does get a mite bit nippy from time to time), as well as:
"Colder than a welldigger's [heinie]"
"Colder than a brass monkey" (apparently wearing a witch's brassiere)


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## werk (Dec 13, 2006)

Aurora said:
			
		

> Ever heard the one:
> "It's colder than a witch's +i+ in a brass bra"
> I have no idea where that came from or how it even makes sense, but my grandpa says it all the time.
> 
> And yes, if you aren't too "quick on the draw" + = t




Yeah, my mom is wonderful for saying things like that.  The above being one of her faves.

Also:
Killing snakes with a fence post (being in a reckless hurry)
Sucking hind +i+ (being last, or slow)
Useless as +i+s on a boar (self explanitory)
You'll strain your egg sack (that is too heavy to lift/carry)

She also calls chicken breasts chicken boobies, because, I guess, breast is a bad word?


edit: nice Kenobi!  The welldigger one made me remember another one, I think it went "Blacker than a chimney sweeps hat."  something like that.


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## kenobi65 (Dec 13, 2006)

werk said:
			
		

> She also calls chicken breasts chicken boobies, because, I guess, breast is a bad word?




But "boobies" is just fine, I see. 

Reminds me of an old episode of "All in the Family."  The housekeeper was making "chicken breasts with chiss" (she was Hispanic, and that's how "cheese" came out), and Archie got all flustered at the use of the word "breasts", so he made her call them "chicken chests with chiss."


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## Jesus_marley (Dec 14, 2006)

As the OP on this one, I just remembered a couple of others..

Hard lookin' rig - To describe someone who has a very low Charisma score.

Beaten with a bag of hammers - See above

Slower than cold molasses - self explanatory


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## kenobi65 (Dec 14, 2006)

Jesus_marley said:
			
		

> Beaten with a bag of hammers - See above




Reminds me of a series of expressions we have for "stupid":
- Dumb as a post
- Dumb as a box of rocks
- Dumb as a bag of hammers

For "unattractive", we tend use "got beaten with the ugly stick".


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## Jesus_marley (Dec 14, 2006)

kenobi65 said:
			
		

> For "unattractive", we tend use "got beaten with the ugly stick".




I always liked  "Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."


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## Heckler (Dec 14, 2006)

kenobi65 said:
			
		

> "Colder than a brass monkey" (apparently wearing a witch's brassiere)




I heard an interesting story behind this one.   Back in the day when ships kept a supply of cannonballs on hand, they used metal slabs with indentations on them to store the cannonballs on.  To avoid having the cannonballs and slab corrode and become stuck together, they made these slabs out of brass, and they were referred to as "brass monkeys."  

Now, this worked pretty well, unless it got cold.  Really cold.  Colder than a witches...nevermind...but when it gets really really cold, metal contracts.  And apparently brass contracts more than iron(or whatever cannonballs are made of) so that when it got really really cold the cannonballs would pop out of their shrunken indentations on the brass monkey and start rolling about the deck.

All of this leads us to the original phrase, "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."

And that's...the rest of the story.


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## Aurora (Dec 14, 2006)

That history lesson was brought to you by the letter "H" and the number 12.

I love the ugly tree one. Man, that is priceless. 

How about more cliches describing people with a low intelligence score 

"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
"Not playing with a full deck."
"One brick short of a full load."


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## kenobi65 (Dec 14, 2006)

Jesus_marley said:
			
		

> I always liked  "Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."




Oooh, dat's a good one.


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## Scotley (Dec 14, 2006)

My father is fond of the expression "she could chase a haint up a thorn tree" to describe an unattractive person. A 'haint' being a type of frightening ghost in the lore of the south and applachia. 

to continue Aurora's list

"his elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor."
"not the sharpest tool in the shed." 
"a pickle short of a barrel." 
"a few beers short of a sixpack."
"Knitting with only one needle."
"2 clowns short of a circus."
"eating with only one chopstick." 
"too much yardage between the goal posts"
"a few fries short of a happy meal." 

To describe a person who is all talk and no action.

"all hat and no cattle."
"all plow and no tractor."
"all buscuits and no gravy."


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## werk (Dec 14, 2006)

I had a buddy that used to say "She ran through the ugly forest and got hit by every branch."

I figure it is derived from "Beat with the ugly stick."

EDIT: Doh, sorry Marley!  Didn't see you alreadyhad that one up.


He also used to say that people with a lazy eye had "a bad lamp" which I think is a car reference.


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## werk (Dec 14, 2006)

Couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag.


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## Aurora (Dec 14, 2006)

"Can't act his way out of a cardboard box."


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## kenobi65 (Dec 14, 2006)

"Couldn't spell 'cat' if you spotted him the 'C' and the 'A'."

- Thomas "Hollywood" Henderson, flamboyant Dallas Cowboys linebacker, on Terry Bradshaw, at that point QB of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

(Though, time has shown that at least some of Bradshaw's persona seems to be for show; he's unlikely to have been as successful as he's been if he were really that dumb.)


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## Aeson (Dec 14, 2006)

I heard someone say this one the other day. "sugar, honey and ice tea." of course we all know what the first letters spell out.


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## Rodrigo Istalindir (Dec 14, 2006)

"A plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it  a 'weasel'" from Blackadder gets used in meetings all the time.

Actually, Blackadder-style phrases seem to come up a lot amongst us.


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