# Star Trek Quotes you wouldn't want to hear during sex



## Dannyalcatraz (Oct 14, 2005)

Inspired by THIS thread:Star Wars Quotes 

"Scotty- give me that power!"

"Fascinating."


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## Angel Tarragon (Oct 14, 2005)

"Beam me up Scotty!"


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## Warrior Poet (Oct 14, 2005)

"He's dead, Jim."

"Don't call me 'Tiny.'"


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## Dingleberry (Oct 14, 2005)

Warrior Poet said:
			
		

> "Don't call me 'Tiny.'"




Excellent.   

"I did _nothing _ - except get caught with my britches down!"


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## Angel Tarragon (Oct 14, 2005)

"Captain... I'm getting somethingon the distress channel. Minimal signal... But something..."

"Can you amplify?"

"I'm trying..."


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## Dingleberry (Oct 14, 2005)

"There be whales here!"


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## kenobi65 (Oct 14, 2005)

"KHAAAAAAAAN!"

"You lied!"  "I exaggerated."

"They wonder how well you would endure."  "Endure what?"  "Them."  "One, or both?"


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## Dingleberry (Oct 14, 2005)

"No - you'll flood the whole compartment!"

"I... have HAD... ENOUGH... of YOU!" (accompanied by repeated kicks to the face)

"Raise them!"
"I _can't_!"


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## Dingleberry (Oct 14, 2005)

kenobi65 said:
			
		

> "You lied!"  "I exaggerated."



Nice.


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## BOZ (Oct 14, 2005)

Snotty beamed me twice last night.


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## Angel Tarragon (Oct 14, 2005)

BOZ said:
			
		

> Snotty beamed me twice last night.



Um, wrong movie.


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## kenobi65 (Oct 14, 2005)

"Are you...fully functional?"


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## The Shaman (Oct 14, 2005)

"I hope, for your sake, that you were initiating a mating ritual."

"I read about your exploits when I was in grade school."

"The clown can stay, but the Ferengi in the gorilla suit has to leave!"

"I've never seen a solar probe with this kind of configuration, have you Data? "

"Are you out of your Vulcan mind?"

"It is a human characteristic to love small furry animals."

"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."

"That sound was the turbulence caused by the penetration of a boundary layer, captain. "

"Spock, give me an update on the dark area ahead."

"Captain, that ancient earth custom called spanking. What is it?"

"We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile."

"Assimilate this!"

"If... you're referring to sexuality, I'm fully functional. Programmed in multiple techniques." (Hrrm...maybe that's one you DO want to hear!)

"Would you three like to be alone?"

"Maximum setting! If you had fired, you'd have vaporized me."

"Don't you people from the 24th century ever pee?"

"It's so small..."
"It's about to get a whole lot bigger."

"Mr. Scott, I understand you are experiencing difficulties with the warp drive?"

"Smooth as an android's bottom. "

"I will miss these flesh-stretching sessions, my dear."


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## Warrior Poet (Oct 14, 2005)

"What is it?"

"It's . . . green."


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## Umbran (Oct 14, 2005)

"C'mon Spock, it's me, McCoy. You really have gone where no man's gone before. Can't you tell me what it felt like?"

"Admiral, there be whales here!"

"Make it quick, Admiral. They're moving him to the Federation funny farm."

"Please Captain, not in front of the Klingons !"


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## Blue_Kryptonite (Oct 14, 2005)

Is it wrong that we do quote Star Trek to each other during sex? And everything else?

--BK, whose family is structured along the lines of a federation ship, and frequently address each other by rank.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Oct 14, 2005)

> "What is it?"
> 
> "It's . . . green."




Damn you, Warrior Poet!  You beat me to it!

"Royal Fizbin!"

"The odds are...astronomical."

"Are you of the body?"

"Herbert!  Herbert!  Herbert!"

"Shields Up!"

"Fire- full spread!"

"To boldly go, where no man has gone before..."

++++

Here's a rogue one from Twilight Zone:  "Submitted for your approval..."

Here's a rogue one from Buck Rodgers: "Twikkitwikkitwikki..Let's go, Buck!"


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## StupidSmurf (Oct 14, 2005)

Here's one that Spock said, and have been trying to incorporate into a phone message for years now...

"There are two explanations; they are unable to respond, or, they are unwilling to respond"


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## kenobi65 (Oct 14, 2005)

On the morning show on one of the Chicago radio stations last year, they asked people to call in with the "strangest thing you've ever heard said during sex."

One woman called in and said, "So, I was with this guy, and in the middle of 'it', he said, 'do you speak Klingon?'"


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## Dannyalcatraz (Oct 14, 2005)

"You're...luring them in!"

"I would like to learn more of this...poker."


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## Vraille Darkfang (Oct 14, 2005)

"Let's go Number 1".

"Wesley Crusher"

"I canna do'it captain"

"Today, IS a good day to die."

"Load all tubes"

"Star Date: Before the Prom, Our Mission: to boldy go where no man has gone before"

"I am Vulcan.  See, I'm wearing my offical Star TtrekTM Vulcan Ears right now!  I never take them off!"


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## Desdichado (Oct 14, 2005)

Dannyalcatraz said:
			
		

> "You're...luring them in!"
> 
> "I would like to learn more of this...poker."



Complete with William Shatner pauses and everything.

http://www.khaaan.com


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## Dannyalcatraz (Oct 14, 2005)

Actually, the first one was the Orion Pirate talking to Kirk when he was "playing dead" (insert joke here) and the second was Spock talking about bluffing in the Corbomite Maneuver (which is NOT in Kirk's Kama Sutra).

Are your NerdAlerts going off yet?


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## Dannyalcatraz (Oct 14, 2005)

Hey, here's a random one from Dune...

"Get off my Mother!"


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## Desdichado (Oct 14, 2005)

Yeah, sorry--I'm not as much of a Star Trek fan, so I don't recognize the source for nearly as many of these lines.  Those gaps in delivery though--that's William Shatner's style alright.


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## kenobi65 (Oct 14, 2005)

Joshua Dyal said:
			
		

> Those gaps in delivery though--that's William Shatner's style alright.




I think we can safely say, in general, that, during sex, you don't want to hear...*anything*....spoken...in the....style of....William...Shatner.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Oct 15, 2005)

Random ones from Conan..

"What is the riddle of steel?"

"You killed my snake, BOY!"


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## Bront (Oct 15, 2005)

"In an emergancy, I can be used as a flotation device."

"Now this is a warrior's drink!"


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## Starman (Oct 15, 2005)

"Why, you green-blooded, son of a..."

"I'm laughing at the superior intellect."

"Not everyone keeps their reproductive organs in the same place."


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## Dannyalcatraz (Oct 15, 2005)

"Very good, Mr. Ears."

"Looks like I'll have to _________(verb) the _________(piece of equipment) to get it to ______(verb)" - [any engineer]


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## Ranger REG (Oct 15, 2005)

"Sometimes pain can drive a man harder than pleasure" -- Kirk, _TOS_

"That's the wonderful thing about crayons ... they can take you to more places than a starship." -- Guinan, _TNG._

"Why is any object we don't understand always called a 'thing'?" -- McCoy, _TMP._

"Words come later. It is the scent that first speak of love." -- Worf, _TNG._

"Now this isn't going to hurt a bit."
"That's what you said the last time."
"Did it hurt?"
"Yes."
-- McCoy to Chevok, _TOS._

"How's the patient, Doctor?"
"He's gonna make it!"
"He? You came in with a she..."
"One little mistake..."
--McCoy, _ST:TVH._

"I'm a doctor, not a doorstop." -- Enterprise-E EMH, _ST:FC._

"I am _a doctor,_ not a voyeur." -- Voyager EMH, _VOY._

"Choose the word that best describe your pain. 'Burning,' 'throbbing,' 'piercing,' 'pinching,' 'biting,' 'stinging.' 'shooting,'..."
-- Voyager EMH, _VOY._

"I'm a doctor, not a performer." -- Voyager EMH, _VOY._

"Doctor, you are a sensualist."
"You bet your pointed ears I am."
--Spock to McCoy, _TOS._

"Mister Kim ... at ease before you sprain something." -- Janeway, _VOY._

"That's the way you respond to every situation, isn't it? If it doesn't work, hit it. If it's in your way, knock it down." Torres, _VOY._

"She's got a worm in her belly? Oh, that's disgusting,. That's interesting, but that's disgusting." -- _DS9._

"Tuvok ... has anyone ever told you ... you're a real freakasaurus?" -- Paris, _VOY._

"I'm willing to explore my humanity. Take off your clothes." -- Seven of Nine, _VOY._

"Traditionally, one crawls in head first." -- EMH, _VOY._

"I'm going to sleep this off. Please let me know if there's some other way we can screw up tonight." -- Kirk, _ST:TUC._

"I don't bite ... Well, that's wrong; I do bite." -- K'Ehleyr

"Not even a bite on the cheek for old time's sake? -- K'Ehleyr

"Who are you people? And what is that thing in your pants?" -- Rain, _VOY._

"Well? What are you doing?"
"Enjoying myself?"
"Then show it."
--Torres to Paris, _VOY._

"One of the first things a diplomat learns is not to stick his fingers where they don't belong."
-- T'Pol, _ENT._


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## Pbartender (Oct 15, 2005)

"Queen to Queen's level three?  Queen to King's level one!"


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## Bront (Oct 15, 2005)

Ranger REG said:
			
		

> "That's interesting, but that's disgusting"
> 
> "Traditionally, one crawls in head first."
> 
> "Who are you people? And what is that thing in your pants?"



THose 3 are fantastic.


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## Xath (Oct 15, 2005)

Ranger REG said:
			
		

> "She's got a worm in her belly? Oh, that's disgusting,. That's interesting, but that's disgusting." -- _DS9._




Probably my favorite episode of DS9.


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## Michael Morris (Oct 15, 2005)

Heh heh

Link to the MP3

Star Trekkin'
*By: The Firm*

_Star Trekkin' across the universe,
On the Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk.
Star Trekkin' across the universe,
  Boldly going forward 'cause we can't find reverse.

Lt. Uhura, report.
There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow;
there's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jim.

Analysis, Mr. Spock.
It's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it;
it's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, Captain.

There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow;
there's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jim.

Star Trekkin' across the universe,
On the Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk.
Star Trekkin' across the universe,
Boldly going forward, still can't find reverse.

Medical update, Dr. McCoy.
It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead, Jim;
it's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead.

It's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it;
it's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, Captain.

There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow;
there's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jim.

Starship Captain, James T. Kirk:
Ah! We come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to kill;
we come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, men.

It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead, Jim;
it's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead.

Well, it's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it;
it's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, Captain.

There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow;
there's Klingons on the starboard bow, scrape 'em off, Jim.

Star Trekkin' across the universe,
On the Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk.
Star Trekkin' across the universe,
 Boldly going forward, and things are getting worse!

Engine Room, Mr. Scott:
Ye cannot change the laws of physics, laws of physics, laws of physics;
ye cannot change the laws of physics, laws of physics, Jim.

Ah! We come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to kill;
we come in peace, shoot to kill; Scotty, beam me up!

It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead, Jim;
it's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead.

Well, it's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it;
it's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, Captain.

There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow;
there's Klingons on the starboard bow, starbord bow ahhhh!!

Ye cannot change the script Jim.
Och, #!*& Jimmy.

It's worse than that, it's physics, Jim.

Bridge to engine room, warp factor 9.

Och, if I give it any more she'll blow, Cap'n!

Star Trekkin' across the universe,
On the Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk.
Star Trekkin' across the universe,
Boldly going forward 'cause we can't find reverse.
Star Trekkin' across the universe,
On the Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk.
Star Trekkin' across the universe,
 Boldly going forward, still can't find reverse._


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## Angel Tarragon (Oct 15, 2005)

Spoony Bard said:
			
		

> Heh heh
> 
> Link to the MP3
> 
> ...



Hilarious!    ROFL!!!!


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## WayneLigon (Oct 15, 2005)

We should try reversing the polarity.
"Does everyone know about this grain but me?" 
"If you prick me, do I not... leak?" 
"I am not  a merry man!" 
"But I have no sexual desire..." 
"Oh, I am sorry, Doctor. Were we having a good time?" 


What you don't want to hear, from _Dune_
"My brother is coming, Baron!"


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## Dannyalcatraz (Oct 16, 2005)

What you don't want to hear from Dr. Who

"Its bigger on the inside than it is on the outside..."


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## Dannyalcatraz (Oct 16, 2005)

From Time Bandits:

"Don't touch it!  Its evil!"


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## Chimera (Oct 16, 2005)

_"I've got to have thirty minutes!"_

Ok so, I could handle that, but some guys...you know...


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## Torm (Oct 16, 2005)

kenobi65 said:
			
		

> I think we can safely say, in general, that, during sex, you don't want to hear...*anything*....spoken...in the....style of....William...Shatner.



I think it's safe to say that, if one is exerting one's self properly, anything said during sex _will_ inevitably BE spoken in the style of William Shatner.  

And I think the quote from Trek one wouldn't want to hear the most during sex is obvious, yet no one has mentioned it: "She's dead, Jim."


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## Dannyalcatraz (Oct 16, 2005)

From 2001: a Space Odyssey

"Open the pod bay doors..."

"Daaaaiiiiisy, Daaaaaaiiiissy...."

From Battlefield Earth

"Now you're beginning to understand leverage!"

From Army of Darkness

"This is my BOOM-STICK!"


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## jaerdaph (Oct 16, 2005)

"She's a tough little ship." - Riker
"LITTLE?" - Worf
re: USS Defiant, ST: First Contact


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## Darth K'Trava (Oct 17, 2005)

Dingleberry said:
			
		

> Excellent.
> 
> "I did _nothing _ - except get caught with my britches down!"




Ain't that the truth.... see also "Boston Legal"....   I couldn't watch that! Too much of Shatner wanting to get into Pamela Anderson's pants.....   More than any rabid fanboy, anyways.....


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## Darth K'Trava (Oct 17, 2005)

Torm said:
			
		

> I think it's safe to say that, if one is exerting one's self properly, anything said during sex _will_ inevitably BE spoken in the style of William Shatner.




As if you're wanting to quote Star Trek lines in the middle of it to start with......   



> And I think the quote from Trek one wouldn't want to hear the most during sex is obvious, yet no one has mentioned it: "She's dead, Jim."




Ouch! Was that your last date, Torm?   

j/k

But then you can Rez her if that happened....


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## StupidSmurf (Oct 18, 2005)

Then there's always the "Scotty" line that your still-in-the-mood wife doesn't want to hear from you after you've finished "the deed"...

"Och, I canna change the laws of physics, I'll need at least a half an hour!"

And the geeky fanboy part of me can say with 80% certainty that the line comes from "The Naked Time," when the Enterprise's engines are shut down and the ship is spiralling down towards a planet, and Kirk tells Scotty that he must cold-start the engines and bring them online


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## Dannyalcatraz (Oct 18, 2005)

"The hours will seem like days..."


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## mythusmage (Oct 18, 2005)

"It seemed like the logical thing to do at the time."


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## StupidSmurf (Oct 19, 2005)

"logic and practical information do not seem to apply here"- Spock, 'A Piece of the Action'


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## Thunderfoot (Oct 19, 2005)

I'm really surprised noone put this one down yet...

_I kinna push her any harder Captain, I dinna think she'll hold together!_


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## Dannyalcatraz (Oct 19, 2005)

Random one from Get Smart

"Missed it by THAT much!"


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## Rogue765 (Oct 21, 2005)

Ranger REG said:
			
		

> "I'm willing to explore my humanity. Take off your clothes." -- Seven of Nine, _VOY._




I think someone is missing the point of this thread. It's things you *DON'T* want to hear.    

"My oath of celibacy is on record, Captain." -- Lt. Ilia, _ST:TMP_

"I would never take advantage of a sexually immature species." -- Lt. Ilia, _ST:TMP_


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## Ranger REG (Oct 21, 2005)

Rogue765 said:
			
		

> I think someone is missing the point of this thread. It's things you *DON'T* want to hear.



You wanna hear that line from a 500-pound virgin woman with halitosis?


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## Dannyalcatraz (Oct 26, 2005)

Random ones from countless sci-fi sources:

"Resistance is useless!"

"Prepare to be boarded!"

"Puny human!" (or Earthling)


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## Dannyalcatraz (Oct 27, 2005)

From Jason X:

"It'll take more than THAT to finish off this tough old sergeant...UGH...that ought to do it!"


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