# The Continuing Tales From The Old Bald One-Eyed Salty Red Dog Tavern!



## Lazlow (Feb 19, 2007)

The Story So Far:

[wait for it...]

=====

OOC thread
Chapter 1 in-game thread (now closed)


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## Wystan (Feb 19, 2007)

Totally disoriented I reach for my blindfold as I sense that 'AL' is no longer here.  I sheath my Rapier and...

'My good lady, may I please have a glass of elven wine? and some salad? and a napkin to wipe the drool from our friend here? and a small bib or somesuch to catch further drool? and a comfortable chair?'.

I stand and look in amazement at the husk that is/was our leader, and at the 'Helper Monkey'. I then proceed to pull some scraps of material out of my bag and a needle and thread and a tape measure and attempt to measure said monkey for a matching outfit.


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## Lazlow (Feb 19, 2007)

(reserved)


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## Lord_Raven88 (Feb 20, 2007)

As the monkey appears on the Sheriff's shoulder a brief look of confusion and surprise passes over the monkey's features.  As his eyes alight on Al his features quickly change to one of anger.

Emitting what can only be described as an angry tirade (if one could understand monkey) the angry capuchin monkey jumps up and down on Sheriff Bill's shoulder shaking his tiny fist.

*Poof*

Noticing his new surroundings the cute monkey clings to his mindless beast of burden muttering darkly to himself as the group enters the Old Bald One-Eyed Salty Red Dog tavern.

Finally noticing the slack-jawed drooling Sheriff staring at him, the monkey gives a start of surprise unnerved at the mindless stare of the Sheriff.

Waving his hand in front of the face of the Sheriff and receiving no response, the monkey chatters in obvious curiosity.  Lifting up his eyelid the monkey stares at the rolling eyes of the insensate Sheriff, his head bobbing and moving as he tries to keep track of the wandering eye.

Tiring of the game quickly, the monkey gingerly reaches out and pinches the nose of the Sheriff, letting out a cackle of delight as the Sheriff's autonomous reflexes causes the Sheriff's mouth to open and to inhale a deep breath. "Oooaah"

Releasing his hold on the Sheriff's nose the monkey closes the Sheriff's mouth again and pinches his nose shut once again.


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## DrZombie (Feb 21, 2007)

Gruaamsh, smoke coming out of the nostrils of the demon-headed helmet with a faint red glow in it's mouth, reaches out with a plate)mailed fist and grabd the monkey by the skin of it's neck.
"*If you even think about throwing poo I'll kebab you with my longsword. Now leave sheriff Bill alone. I didn't believe he could be even  more brainadamaged, but after the wizard incident I'm not taking any chances. Now piss off*."


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## Lord_Raven88 (Feb 22, 2007)

DrZombie said:
			
		

> Gruaamsh, smoke coming out of the nostrils of the demon-headed helmet with a faint red glow in it's mouth, reaches out with a plate)mailed fist and grabd the monkey by the skin of it's neck.
> "*If you even think about throwing poo I'll kebab you with my longsword. Now leave sheriff Bill alone. I didn't believe he could be even  more brainadamaged, but after the wizard incident I'm not taking any chances. Now piss off*."



Trembling in fear as he's held before the demon-headed warrior the monkey loses control of his bladder, and continues to tremble in fear as a golden arc of pee splashes directly upon the metal helm and the face beneath, extinguishing the cigar.

As the warrior curses in surprise and releases the monkey, it quickly scampers up out of the reach fearsome warrior.  With it's arms wrapped around it's body, the miserable looking monkey lets out a plaintive mewling sound as it trembles in fear, it's small brown eyes locked upon the warrior who had manhandled it so.


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## DrZombie (Feb 22, 2007)

Gruaamsh spits out the end of his cigar. "*It appears I must choose my words more carefully in the future.*"
He takes off his helmet, revealing a half-orc with long, blond, curly hair and sweet blue eyes.
He grabs another cigar and lights it, spreading once more a foul-smelling cloud.
"*Monkey, you'd better know how to clean armor*."


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## Wystan (Feb 22, 2007)

I proceed to sit down on the nearest thing that is sort of seat height...

"Bill cataleptic, monkey pissing on Grummsh, K and Richard, myself....what are we to do. We need to know what Bill knew...


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## DrZombie (Feb 23, 2007)

Wystan said:
			
		

> I proceed to sit down on the nearest thing that is sort of seat height...
> 
> "Bill cataleptic, monkey pissing on Grummsh, K and Richard, myself....what are we to do. We need to know what Bill knew...



"*Do you really think he knew that much? His plan usually was beating the crap out of anything that resisted him*." He frowns. "*A good plan, that was*."
"*Let's get inside, have a bath, a few beers and a meal. things wil look bether then, or at least better fed*."


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## Lazlow (Mar 5, 2007)

The sky welcomes you back to the tavern by giving up a nice, light drizzle, just enough to make things a bit more uncomfortable than they were before.  Taking Gruammsh's advice, you all decide to go inside where it's warm to rest and recoup before making plans on what to do next.

The tavern hasn't changed much since last you were here; Muirna's still bustling about tending to the scant few customers, Rufus (the Old Bald One-Eyed Salty Red Dog himself) is dozing lightly on the bar, and Berny is still in the corner, frozen in suspended animation inside his shimmering globe of arcane magic.  Muirna sees you all and nods, indicating she'll be with you in a moment.

As you all take a seat around your usual table, Sunderkeg walks in from the back.  He starts to take stock of the inventory when something, or someone, rather, catches his eye.  "Gods help oos," he mutters, walking over to the person. "As ah thoot," he says, "I figgered ye'd coom back."  He turns to address the crowd:  "Gentlefolk, kindly watch yuir poorses and packs!  Gollurn Barrelstave is in tha hoose."  He turns back to the person and gives him the evil eye for a moment.  A dwarf, short even for dwarves, with dirty red hair and an unkempt beard, a grimace affixed to his face as if hanging on for dear life.  After a long, drawn out moment, Sunderkeg speaks.

"Well?  What brengs ye roond here noo?"


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## Craw Hammerfist (Mar 5, 2007)

Lazlow said:
			
		

> "Well?  What brengs ye roond here noo?"





Golurn wastes no time with pleasantries: "Me feet bringed me here, ye blind grunt!  Did ye think I flew in on pixie wings?  Bah!  Yer losing what shred o' sense ye ever had.  Ale!  O' course I be here fer ale.  This still be a tavern, no?  It ain't the Old Bald One-Eyed Salty Red Dog Teahouse or some such, is it?  And quit warnin' me marks!  If'n they nae have the sense to watch their purses without ye remindin 'em, they nae deserve any coins in those purses.  All yer doin is gettin 'em all riled up.  Now when somethin goes missin (and don't it always) they'll be after askin me questions that I just have to answer wit me knives.  That's just no good fer anybody.  So, shut yer trap and fetch me an ale."


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## Wystan (Mar 6, 2007)

(OOC Craw can you choose a slightly different color? On stealth that is unreadable unless I highlight it all.)
_I seem to wake up as if in a daze_
"...now where was I, Oh these curtains need to be exchanged, a nice blue gingham or a green taffeta...wait I feel like I've done this before. Hmmm, ah oh yes. We were brought here by the evil machinations of a gnome that impunes the integrity of Gar'goyle, great lord of statues and stonework. He deigned to have us capture a dangerous and provocative basalisk and then proceeded to insult us, bespell us..._at which point I point to Mr. Bill_ ...and then transport us here without an ounce of the assistance that we had been promised. Now I need to make an Outfit for the helper monkey here and we seem to be short on travelling companions."

_I walk over to the bar_
"My good cute dwarven lass, I require a glass of your finest water and a plate of your finest lettuce. This will all be put on Sherriff Bill's tab and will be paid upon the completion of the quest we are on, and after K and I found our own Pirate community and become the scourge of the high seas.

Thank you.


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## Lord_Raven88 (Mar 8, 2007)

Climbing down from his perch on the roof the capuchin monkey climbs on board his drooling mount and holds on tightly as Bill is lead inside the tavern and is seated at the parties usual table.

Looking around the tavern in wide-eyed curiosity the monkey's gaze quickly flicks around the room taking in the bald dog sleeping on the bar, the man suspended in the globe of magic and the foul-mouth dwarven rogue.

"oooh ooh ah" apparently voicing his opinion of the strange goings-on in this unusual tavern.


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## DrZombie (Mar 8, 2007)

"*My fair lady, I'll have a double brandy, and a cup of water and a cleaning rag for our monkey friend here*" Gruaamsh says, casting a stern glare at the monkey and handing over his reeking helmet.


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## Lord_Raven88 (Mar 9, 2007)

DrZombie said:
			
		

> "*My fair lady, I'll have a double brandy, and a cup of water and a cleaning rag for our monkey friend here*" Gruaamsh says, casting a stern glare at the monkey and handing over his reeking helmet.



The monkey cringes slightly at the stern look from the fearsome Half-Orc as he places his soiled helm in front of him.

Struggling mightily the monkey manages to place the helm on his diminutive head.  The capuchin seems to all but disappear, all that can be seen is his tiny feet sticking out beneath.  

Resonating from inside the demon visaged helm comes the capuchin's laboured breathing.  "haww pawww, haaww paww" as the dwarven lass returns with the cup of water and cleaning rag, the capuchin shrieks excitedly.

Turning the helmet upside down the tiny monkey pours the cup of water inside the helm.  Taking off his embroided red vest and hat, the capuchin gingerly climbs into his make shift bath and begins to clean himself contentedly.

Turning to look at the scowling half orc warrior, the capuchin gives his best I'm a dumb cute animal look and carries on cleaning himself.


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## Craw Hammerfist (Mar 9, 2007)

Golurn downs another ale and looks about.  Seeing a monkey bathing in a demon helmet, he jumps off his barstool and looks at his mug in a stunned fashion for a moment.  Slowly, an appreciative grin spreads across his face.  "Mushroom ale!  I heared o' that once.  All kinds o' crazy visions.  Muirna!  I be needed three more o' these!  Be damned, Sunderkeg, I never figured ye fer the apootho.. apossumcarry... acothemary.. damnit...herb-peddlin' type.  But I approve."


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## Wystan (Mar 9, 2007)

_My ears peeking up a bit at the mention of mushroom ale..._
"Mushroom ale, I have not heard that in many moons. I though that was outlawed in at least 3 out of every 5 hamlets around these parts. Most humans are way too weak willed to resist the splurging and dementia that is caused by the massive imbibance of Mushroom ale."

_I turn and look at Golurn..._
"My good ma...dwarf, What in the nine hells of the demon lord of Numerology Mat'O'Matics are you drinking that for. There has to be a better drink, mayhaps not a cheaper one, but definately a better one. I mean they serve slightly passable elven wine here, and I even hear they make a wicked almond walnut berry tippler with a sweet cream chaser."
_ I turn to the bar_
" My beautiful for a dwarf dwarven lass, may I please request that you serve this gentledwarf here a 'Triple wham cream and ogre snot' on the rocks, the litereral rocks mind you as they absorb some of the acid and cause the glass to not be destroyed as quickly. Also please remember to add it to Sherriff Bills tab. Thank you."

_I turn back towards Golurn_

"This should curl your nose hairs."


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## Craw Hammerfist (Mar 9, 2007)

Wystan said:
			
		

> "This should curl your nose hairs."




"Bah, 'tis regular ale after all.  I don't know why I would be surprised to see a monkey bathe in a helmet around here.  There do be a bald mutt on the bar and a frozen mage in the corner, after all.  Not that I won't accept the drink, mind ye.  Here's ta hopin' it *don't* curl me nose hairs, though.  Makes em a tad sight harder to unbraid."


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## Lazlow (Mar 12, 2007)

Muirna brings the requested drinks to the table, all the while carrying on a not-so-hushed conversation about some juicy local gossip with another woman who follows her around.  Seemingly unfazed by the drooling, mindless Sheriff, she places an ale in front of him as well, and as she glances at the monkey bathing in Gruammsh's helmet, she pauses for a moment and says, "Ah yes, the soup of the day is squirrel bisque.  Not one of Olaf's best, if you ask me, but palatable."  She then returns to the bar with the gossipy lady in tow, deep in conversation.

============

_OOC:  K suddenly remembers that she's holding a scroll that Al the Wizard gave them..._


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## DrZombie (Mar 12, 2007)

"*Well, unless monkey boy there starts to cleanMY HELMET , it'll be monkey stewed in it's own juice for me, I reckon"* Gruaams says, smiling evilly 'round his cigar.


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## Lord_Raven88 (Mar 13, 2007)

DrZombie said:
			
		

> "*Well, unless monkey boy there starts to cleanMY HELMET , it'll be monkey stewed in it's own juice for me, I reckon"* Gruaams says, smiling evilly 'round his cigar.



Hearing the sharp tone in Gruaams words, the capuchin looks at the imposing Half Orc with a look on his face that appears to be trying to be a cute animal smile, but comes across as more of an apprehensive grimace that appears to be frozen on his face.

Struggling to carry on bathing with a feigned nonchalance, the capuchin continues to clean himself vigorously under the watchful eye of Gruaam.  As he continue to bath, water slops over the side and thru the holes of the helm. Washing away all sign of his nervous bladders emission.

Drying himself the capuchin tips the remaining water from the helm back into the cup, wipes up any spillage on the table and then carries the helm over to the fire to dry. Returning to the group, the nervous looking animal climbs up Gruaam chair and perches gingerly on his shoulder and begins to groom the fierce warriors hair.


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## DrZombie (Mar 13, 2007)

Gruaams takes out a new cigar and gives it to the monkey. "*Set fire to my hair, clothes or any part of my anatomy or belongings and you'll be sorry you were ever born* "he grumbles, then offers the monkey a light.


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## Lord_Raven88 (Mar 15, 2007)

DrZombie said:
			
		

> Gruaams takes out a new cigar and gives it to the monkey. "*Set fire to my hair, clothes or any part of my anatomy or belongings and you'll be sorry you were ever born* "he grumbles, then offers the monkey a light.



Wrinkling his nose at the pungent cigar, the capuchin holds the cigar out for Gruaams to light it. And stares at the slowly burning cigar as if mesmerised all the while cackling to himself.


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## Lazlow (Mar 15, 2007)

Sunderkeg, walking by with a tray of drinks for another table, glances at the monkey in passing - then stops and does a double-take as the little primate sits cackling at the lit cigar.

"Lookit th' moonkey...  Now that ain't right."

He shakes his head and spies the ornate, mysterious-looking scroll in K's hands.  "Say, tha's a right fancy piece o' parchment ye got," he says.  "Bet that's important."


=====

OOC:  Anyone seen Logic's Fate?


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## Craw Hammerfist (Mar 15, 2007)

ooc: I have not seen Logic's fate.


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## Wystan (Mar 20, 2007)

_Humms a small tune and taps his feet_


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## DrZombie (Mar 20, 2007)

Lord_Raven88 said:
			
		

> Wrinkling his nose at the pungent cigar, the capuchin holds the cigar out for Gruaams to light it. And stares at the slowly burning cigar as if mesmerised all the while cackling to himself.




"*Look, you do it like this* " Gruaamsh says, showing the monkey how to keep it lit, how to blow smoke rings and how to tap away the ashes.


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## Lazlow (Mar 21, 2007)

Strangely, and without warning, K and her mysterious cohort Richard disappear in a puff of familiar-looking (and -smelling) smoke.  And when I say K and her mysterious cohort, I mean _just_ them:  All of their belongings seem to have been left behind, including Richard's bastard sword, helmet, heavy cloak, and armor, as well as K's leather outfit (what little there was of it, anyway), and, most notably, the scroll she received from Al the Wizard.

A couple of nearby patrons look up at the big *POOF* and puff of smoke, but go back to their drinks and/or food with a shrug once they see you guys sitting around the table.


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## Wystan (Mar 22, 2007)

_I go and start to fold the belongings and make them all nice and neat (Searching them as I do so for gold and the like). I also periodically shake my fist at the heavens and exclaim...._
"Damn you Magician I swear you have not seen the last of us. I curse you on the name of AAAAAAAAHHHH, God of heights and falling that I will cause you to have a sudden stop at the bottom.


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## Lord_Raven88 (Mar 23, 2007)

The monkey wrinkles his nose in disgust at the prospect of sticking the foul smelling cigar into his mouth.

As K and Richard disappear the capuchin looks around in confusion, seeing all of  their gear on the floor he give a squeal of delight and joins the elf in rummaging thru their equipment.  

Spying the ornate scrollcase he grabs it up then resumes his place of the Half Orc's shoulder, and offers it to the fierce warrior.


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## Lazlow (Mar 23, 2007)

The elf and the monkey rummage through their freshly-poofed companions' belongings and find the following seemingly randomly-generated (but not quite) list of equipment:

- 1 black leather bustier with nickel-plated studs
- 1 pair black leather hotpants with nickel-plated studs
- 1 pair black leather bracers with brass studs
- 1 pair black leather high-heeled boots
- 1 Official Team Uniform (courtesy Ranti Akandi)
- 1 black cloak with hood
- 3 vials of potion-like stuffs
- 1 ebony scroll case, the endcaps with elaborate mother-of-pearl inlays of the letter "K"
- 1 small but rather hefty dark purple velvet bag, feels like it's full of...  Marbles?
- 1 other small but also somewhat hefty dark maroon velvet bag, which jingles nicely
- 1 spell component pouch
- 1 spell book
- 1 backpack

- 1 exceptional-looking long bow
- 1 exceptional-looking heavy steel shield
- 1 even more exceptional-looking bastard sword, with black leather scabbard and belt
- 1 chain shirt, just as exceptional-looking as the sword
- 1 only slightly battered full-face helm
- 1 pair heavy dark wool breeches
- 1 pair sturdy black boots
- 1 pair sturdy leather gloves
- 1 long, heavy black cloak

The conspicuous lack of underwear in either pile is not lost on anyone.

Looking further in the bags, packs, pouches, and cases, you find 28 black gems, 40 pp, 16 gp,  three scrolls, a wand, 2 week's worth of trail rations, and K's Official Deputy pack (courtesy Sheriff Berserker Bill).  The backpack was curiously full of clothing for both small, medium, and a few quadripedal creatures.

Gruammsh peers at the scroll the monkey is offering and notices two things:  First, it seems to be quite thick, indicating it's a rather long piece of parchment; and secondly, the wax with which the roll is sealed shut looks much more hard and shiny than any ordinary wax.

=======

OOC:  See the OOC thread for an important announcement!


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## Wystan (Mar 23, 2007)

OOC - Ranti piles the following items: 
- 1 black leather bustier with nickel-plated studs
- 1 pair black leather hotpants with nickel-plated studs
- 1 pair black leather bracers with brass studs
- 1 pair black leather high-heeled boots
- 1 Official Team Uniform (courtesy Ranti Akandi)
- 1 black cloak with hood
- 1 only slightly battered full-face helm
- 1 pair heavy dark wool breeches
- 1 pair sturdy black boots
- 1 pair sturdy leather gloves
- 1 long, heavy black cloak

Then I place the following on the table nearest me:
- 1 exceptional-looking long bow
- 1 exceptional-looking heavy steel shield
- 1 even more exceptional-looking bastard sword, with black leather scabbard and belt
- 1 chain shirt, just as exceptional-looking as the sword
- 1 only slightly battered full-face helm
- 3 vials of potion-like stuffs
- 1 ebony scroll case, the endcaps with elaborate mother-of-pearl inlays of the letter "K"
- 1 small but rather hefty dark purple velvet bag, feels like it's full of... Marbles?
- 1 other small but also somewhat hefty dark maroon velvet bag, which jingles nicely
- 1 spell component pouch
- 1 spell book
- 1 backpack

The following I place in the backpack after I empty it out:
28 black gems, 40 pp, 16 gp, three scrolls, a wand, 2 week's worth of trail rations, and K's Official Deputy pack
"Well, as it appears that we are short two more of our illustrious crew, and the queen of my own Private Pirate Nation...We will need to retain their items as long as possible and split the valuables for better use for now.


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## DrZombie (Mar 24, 2007)

Gruaams takes the offerred scroll and looks at the seal, then tries to remove it and open the scroll. Absentmindedly he takes the cigar back from the monkey and sticks it in the other corner of his mouth, sending up a vile noxious cloud in stereo.


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## Lazlow (Mar 27, 2007)

Even more strangely, and with even less warning, K and her mysterious cohort Richard re-appear in yet another puff of familiar-looking (and -smelling) smoke. And when I say K and her mysterious cohort, I mean just them:  They stand there, in the middle of the tavern, stark naked.  Richard even more so, seeing as how, you know, he doesn't even have any skin or organs or the like.

As if from the heavens, a disembodied yet quite familiar voice says, "My bad, my bad..."

Meanwhile, Gruammsh, now puffing on a pair of foul-smelling cigars, examines the seal on the scroll.  It's hard, black, shiny, and has some elaborate lettering inscribed on it that says:

SPEAK
JERKWAD
TO
OPEN​


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## Wystan (Mar 27, 2007)

_Ranti runs over and throws his cloak over K. He then grabs the pile of clothes that woudl be hers and Richards and walks them to the back room, (menacing all who might think to stop him)._
"My once and future Pirate Queen, now we can finish this adventure so that at a future time we may oppress multitudes of peoples and run a country where even the bony-people will be allowed to walk around without full plate armor."


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## LogicsFate (Mar 27, 2007)

Yeah I'd say your bad! The nerve! K yells into the air and then takes a moment to look around...

*Shriek!*"Collapse""Nooo!" She cries out as the bones of her faithfull compainon fall to the ground in a heap. You Killed him, The bastards killed him. She falls to her knees and covers her eyes and makes sobby noises. She peeks from behind her hands for a sec, only to go back to the sobby noises.


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## LogicsFate (Mar 27, 2007)

Wystan said:
			
		

> _Ranti runs over and throws his cloak over K. He then grabs the pile of clothes that woudl be hers and Richards and walks them to the back room, (menacing all who might think to stop him)._
> "My once and future Pirate Queen, now we can finish this adventure so that at a future time we may oppress multitudes of peoples and run a country where even the bony-people will be allowed to walk around without full plate armor."




As the cloak drapes around her, K realizes for the first time she's stark naked... and can take deep breaths without the constraining fashions she is famous for. She takes a moment to do so. 
 She grabs Richard whose bones remain connected remarkable well. "You really mean that?" One might imagine her eyes growing watery, but one would do well to keep such informations to themselves. As one may find she can cast spell of undeniable strength. Does one got it? Good.


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## Wystan (Mar 28, 2007)

_Ranti puts a gentle arm around K and smiles at her._
"Of course I mean it. It has all the makings of a great empire. You can be the queen, Richard can he the head Knight, and I can assist where needed."

_Ranti hands K the pile of clothes and smiles again_


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## LogicsFate (Mar 28, 2007)

Thanks K takes the clothes along with her dead friend and walks, head held high from the room.


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## Gray Shade (Mar 29, 2007)

Berserker Bill bursts to life suddenly.  He gives a strangled scream of agony and then wipes at his tearing eyes.  "Richard, NOOOO!  Our wisest companion!  Disintegrated!  The very flesh rendered from hi--GGAAAAK!"  His body goes stiff and his tongue juts out further than anyone present would have thought a human tongue able to jut.

"Gopher's in the coffin!  Read the note!  Blllllaaaaaa--" he says cryptically, then returns to his inactive state, drooling contentedly.


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## Wystan (Mar 30, 2007)

_Ranti returns to the room, he is still short a cloak right now. He walks to a table, pulls out some spare material (in the team colors) and again begins to make the monkey an outfit._
"So what does the scroll say? and how can we go ahead with Mr. Sherrif, vegetable,Berzerker, Headmaster, Leader, vegetable, Wierd Old Guy, Bill's quest with this few companions? I saw we conscript that fellow at the bar and even deputize the monkey...."
_Ranti falls back into his own thoughts._


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## DrZombie (Mar 30, 2007)

"JERKWAD?" Gruaamsh says. "Anybody azny idea what a JERKWAD is?"

"Sod this, I'm cutting it open" he says and reaches for his knife.


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## LogicsFate (Apr 1, 2007)

In moments, well, more like a moment, K returns, alone sadly, to the common room, completely dress, to the relief/displeasure of those around , , ,. Hold on, before you gut the thing , What do you mean by Jerkwad?


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## Lord_Raven88 (Apr 3, 2007)

Startled by the sudden appearance of K and Richard, the monkey gazes at K's natural assets in obvious appreciation and assumes a slack-jawed drooling look, which almost exactly duplicates that of the dim-witted leader.  The monkey is further startled by Berserker Bills sudden but short-lived bout of sentience and his subsequent protruding tongue.

Perched securely on Gruaamsh shoulder ,the tiny monkey waits patiently for the groups solution to the obvious problem of how to open the scroll. 

Speaking in a voice that approximates human speech the capuchin begins to repeat the vaguely understandable words "rerk-rod, rerk-rod. *rerk-rod*"


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## Lazlow (Apr 3, 2007)

DrZombie said:
			
		

> "JERKWAD?" Gruaamsh says. "Anybody azny idea what a JERKWAD is?"
> 
> "Sod this, I'm cutting it open" he says and reaches for his knife.




As the half-orc wonders aloud as to what a JERKWAD is, the black seal on the scroll spins a quarter-turn clockwise, and he feels the tightened roll of the scroll release a bit, loosening enough to open fully.

Inside is a map that you all recognize:  It's Sunderkeg's map of Lizard Spit (well, basically), with a bit more of the environs surrounding it.  In the top right-hand corner is a box in which are two arrows side-by-side, one pointing up and one pointing down, and three words:  *Kält*, *Heiß*, and *Rücksetzen*.

And that's it.

...Or is it?

Out of the corner of his eye, Gruammsh notices a small, pulsing blue dot.  It's smack-dab in the middle of the square denoting where the Tavern would be.


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## DrZombie (Apr 4, 2007)

Chewing violently on his two cigars, Gruaamsh unrolls the map.
"*Curse these smart-assed wizards*."


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## Wystan (Apr 10, 2007)

_Ranti starts to whistle again, the song appears to be 'pop goes the wizard'_


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## DrZombie (Apr 11, 2007)

gruaamsh takes berserker bill by the hand, walks him outside the tavern to the other side of the square, and looks were the blue dot is now.


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## Lazlow (Apr 11, 2007)

The big swarthy paladin grabs the big drooling lawman and leads him out of the tavern, past a slumbering donkey tied to a turnip cart, past that quirky statue of Sir Dudley in the middle of the town square, next to the road leading out of the town center.

The blue dot is now on the other side of the town square, next to the road leading out of the town center.


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## DrZombie (Apr 11, 2007)

"Grmpf" say the big burly orc. He moves back to the tavern and looks on the map again, to see if it's not just a 'you are here' spot.


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## Wystan (Apr 11, 2007)

_Ranti looks over the orc's shoulder as they walk, he is watching the spot whenever possible._
"Well sir, mr, leader, big dude, Gruaamsh, we should see what those words in the corner do. 
_Ranti takes a deep breath and ....  _

*Kält*

_ Ranti waits about 3 seconds and...._

*Heiß*

_Ranti waits an additional 3 seconds and..._

*Rücksetzen*

(OOC: depending on what those do, he again shouts the one for stop if he can)


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## Lazlow (Apr 12, 2007)

The elven warrior watches the dot on the map - it seems to move as they move.

He then takes a deep breath and yells...

*Kält*

Then waits about 3 seconds and yells....

*Heiß*

Then waits an additional 3 seconds and yells...

*Rücksetzen*

But aside from a ringing in Gruammsh's ears, nothing happens.


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## DrZombie (Apr 13, 2007)

Gruaamsh sticks a finger in his ear and wriggles violently, causing an unpleasant squeeky sound.
"*Thanks. Any fears I was getting deaf are now completely solved*"

"*Anybody knows what Kalt, heis and rucksetzen means*?"

OOC : in my tabletop german is used for orcish, but i fear this will not be the case here.(in case you're wondering : german for orcish, french for elvish, and antwerpian dialect for hobbitees)


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## Wystan (Apr 13, 2007)

_Ranti frowns..._
"Well, that didn't work....Maybe touch one and then the other?"


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## Lazlow (Apr 16, 2007)

DrZombie said:
			
		

> OOC : in my tabletop german is used for orcish...




OOC:  Uh, yeah, yeah, that sounds good.  I figured at least you would know ein bisschen Deutsches.


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## Lord_Raven88 (Apr 17, 2007)

From his perch on the half orcs shoulder the monkey cocks his head to one side, studying the scroll.  Scurrying along Gruaamsh's arm the capuchin reaches out and touches the top arrow in the box.


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## Lazlow (Apr 17, 2007)

The little monkey's finger touches the top arrow, and the things on the map seem to get a bit smaller, but more detail comes into view all around the edges.


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## Lord_Raven88 (Apr 17, 2007)

Cackling in glee the monkey deftly reaches out and touches the word *Kält* and then presses on the down arrow to zoom in on the glowing red dot.


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## DrZombie (Apr 18, 2007)

"*Kalt means Cold and HeiB means hot*." The Half-orc scratches his head. "*Maybe it's like the childs game*."


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## Lazlow (Apr 18, 2007)

Lord_Raven88 said:
			
		

> Cackling in glee the monkey deftly reaches out and touches the word *Kält* and then presses on the down arrow to zoom in on the glowing BLUE dot.




Touching the word *Kält* doesn't seem to do anything, but touching the down arrow does indeed zoom in on the dot.  The view zooms until it looks like it shows about a ten foot diameter area.


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## Lord_Raven88 (Apr 20, 2007)

Lazlow said:
			
		

> Touching the word *Kält* doesn't seem to do anything, but touching the down arrow does indeed zoom in on the dot.  The view zooms until it looks like it shows about a ten foot diameter area.



Stratching his head in momentary confusion, the capuchin stares at the magical scroll for a few seconds in indecision.

Making excited monkey noises the capuchin reaches over and presses on the top arrow, causing the drawings on the scroll to get smaller, all the while staring intently at the scroll obviously looking for something.

[sblock=Lazlow]The monkey is waiting to see if any other dots appear on the map. If he does see any further dots he'll still carry zooming out to make sure that he doesn't miss any other important details.[/sblock]


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## Lazlow (Apr 23, 2007)

With squeaks and chitters the monkey plays with the map.  It zooms out quite a ways, and all who can see the map can see most of the nearby lake and the mining pits to the east, but the zooming stops before the entire body of water is shown.

[sblock=Lord Raven]No other dots appear on the map.[/sblock]

[sblock=DrZombie]Rücksetzen means 'reset', I think.  I had to use an online translator for that, which aren't always reliable.  The only 'reset' I could find in my German books was specifically for clocks (uhm umstellen), and I didn't want to overly confuse (since there's no clock of any kind on the map).[/sblock]


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## DrZombie (Apr 26, 2007)

"Allright, Lads and ladies. I suggest a fine night of eating and drinking, followed by exploration and the promise of violence tomorrow." 

Gruaamsh gats back inside, sits down and orders five pints of beer.
"Oh, and give my friends something to drink as well."


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## Lord_Raven88 (Apr 27, 2007)

Taking up a position on Gruaamsh's shoulder the capuchin makes occasional pleading noises to beg the odd sup of beer.

Pulling out a small set of pan pipes from out of his satchel the monkey begins to play a rowdy tavern song for the enjoyment of all.

OOC: Takes 10 on Perform (Wind Instruments) +2


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## Lazlow (Apr 27, 2007)

Muirna and Sunderkeg are more than happy to provide the fine eats and drinks, and the usual dull roar of a normal evening is a bit different tonight thanks to an amazing pan flute performance by an ever-surprisingly talented monkey.  Gruammsh wins enough drinking contests and friendly arm wrestling matches to keep him and his companions well-watered and fed all night.  Even Wystan's fashion-plate-in-arms, the enchanting seamstress Carlotta, stops in for a nightcap and another round of double-entendre-laden flirting with the elven warrior tailor.

Eventually the night and the crowd wear thin, and our heroes wake up in various places and positions in the main room of the tavern, Sunderkeg not having the heart nor the strength to shoo his best customers out and back to their hotel.

As the mighty half-orc wakes, he lifts his head from the table on which he was dozing, and the snoozing monkey that was previously curled up on top of his head falls with a soft thud onto the table - or rather, onto the map scroll that Gruammsh fell asleep studying.  The perplexed primate stands, stretches, and yawns, and in doing so, just happens to step on the one part of the map they hadn't messed with the night before (  :\  ), the word "Rucksetzen".

The view on the map zooms in and out, turns a full 360 degrees, then slowly settles in on the flashing blue dot.  It blinks with a slow, rhythmic pulse - keeping in time with the now pulsing word "Kalt".

A small arrow has appeared next to the blue dot on the map, pointing east.


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## DrZombie (May 3, 2007)

Gruaamsh takes out his battered horn and makes an attempt to sound it, unvoluntarily creating the sound of a flatulent giant who has recently consumed a vast amount of bean porridge.

"C'mon lads, we march EAST."


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## Lord_Raven88 (May 3, 2007)

Lazlow said:
			
		

> Muirna and Sunderkeg are more than happy to provide the fine eats and drinks, and the usual dull roar of a normal evening is a bit different tonight thanks to an amazing pan flute performance by an ever-surprisingly talented monkey.  Gruammsh wins enough drinking contests and friendly arm wrestling matches to keep him and his companions well-watered and fed all night.  Even Wystan's fashion-plate-in-arms, the enchanting seamstress Carlotta, stops in for a nightcap and another round of double-entendre-laden flirting with the elven warrior tailor.
> 
> Eventually the night and the crowd wear thin, and our heroes wake up in various places and positions in the main room of the tavern, Sunderkeg not having the heart nor the strength to shoo his best customers out and back to their hotel.
> 
> ...



Looking worse for wear as he was rudely dumped from his cosy bed the capuchin gets to his feet and glances down at the scroll at his feet and notices the pointing arrow. 

Puffing out his chest in obvious pride he grins widely and swaggers amongst his companions waking any who failed to miss his discovery.


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## Wystan (May 7, 2007)

_Ranti awaks, notices the monkey strutting and quickly takes the map from him so as to make sure that he does not piss on it. After which he drinks the remainder of the drink on front of him and prepares himself._
"Now, morning has broken and we should be upon our way. We have little to do and much time in which to do it. Scratch that, reverse it. We need to determine which of us is hale and healthy and willing to do that which Mr. Sherriff, walking zombie, lord and master, drooly boy, berzerker, dim candle Bill requested we do. I for one would glady take Gruumsh and the monkey and perform the duty on our own."
_Ranti turns towards the bar and...._
"My good waitress, we require strong ale and oatmeal for breakfast for the large gentleman, some fruits and such for the smaller primate, and a glass of wine and a bowl of greens for myself. We will also require 5 wineskins filled with FRESH wine, 5 days worth of fresh Green Vegetables, a small cooking pot, 5 days worth of oatmeal, 2 bottles of your fine (sort of) elven wine, and a selection of fruits and vegetables for the monkey as well."
_Turning back to his companions..._
"SO, who is with us?"


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## Lord_Raven88 (May 7, 2007)

Wystan said:
			
		

> _Ranti awaks, notices the monkey strutting and quickly takes the map from him so as to make sure that he does not piss on it. After which he drinks the remainder of the drink on front of him and prepares himself._
> "Now, morning has broken and we should be upon our way. We have little to do and much time in which to do it. Scratch that, reverse it. We need to determine which of us is hale and healthy and willing to do that which Mr. Sherriff, walking zombie, lord and master, drooly boy, berzerker, dim candle Bill requested we do. I for one would glady take Gruumsh and the monkey and perform the duty on our own."
> _Ranti turns towards the bar and...._
> "My good waitress, we require strong ale and oatmeal for breakfast for the large gentleman, some fruits and such for the smaller primate, and a glass of wine and a bowl of greens for myself. We will also require 5 wineskins filled with FRESH wine, 5 days worth of fresh Green Vegetables, a small cooking pot, 5 days worth of oatmeal, 2 bottles of your fine (sort of) elven wine, and a selection of fruits and vegetables for the monkey as well."
> ...



Annoyed at first that Ranti snatched the scroll out of hand the capuchin's disposition soon changes at the thought of a bit of excitement and adventure, never mind that he doesn't actually know what this quest is all about, it's sure to bring an opportunity for two of Infernus' favourite past-times, mayhem and fire.

Jumping up and down in excitement Infernus raises his hand in obvious acceptance of Ranti's offer "Ooh, ooh ooh"


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## Lazlow (May 8, 2007)

Wystan said:
			
		

> _Ranti turns towards the bar and...._
> "My good waitress, we require strong ale and oatmeal for breakfast for the large gentleman, some fruits and such for the smaller primate, and a glass of wine and a bowl of greens for myself. We will also require 5 wineskins filled with FRESH wine, 5 days worth of fresh Green Vegetables, a small cooking pot, 5 days worth of oatmeal, 2 bottles of your fine (sort of) elven wine, and a selection of fruits and vegetables for the monkey as well."




"Got it!" Muirna says cheerfully.  She heads towards the back, and just before disappearing through the door, stops and asks, "I take it this will all be on Mister Bill's tab?"   She waits a moment before answering her own question.  "Ah, but of course it is.  Won't be but a moment."

Sure enough, moments later Muirna returns with trays laden with ale and oatmeal, fruits and veggies, and wine and greens.  While you eat, she returns with a couple crates of supplies:  wineskins, more green vegetables, a pot, a clay jar full of (dry) oatmeal, two fine (sort of) looking bottles of elven wine, and a large burlap sack full of more fruits and vegetables.
"Enjoy!"

You load up your supplies as best you can between the four of you (the monkey and Bill obviously not lending much help, there), but Muirna offers to give you an old wheelbarrow that was gathering dust and weeds out back to use in hauling Bill's drooling carcass around if you like.

You set out East, and, as expected, the arrow keeps pointing in that direction.  The morning passes surprisingly uneventfully, and before you know it you're standing at the edge of the Lizard's Pit itself:  The old abandoned pit mine that put Lizard Spit on the map.  The cart path winds down and around the outer edge of the pit, leading toward the center, which is fairly dark, but you can just make out the remnants of a mine shaft at the end of the road.

[sblock=OOC]Let me know if you want to do/buy anything before you head out and we'll fit it in.[/sblock]


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## DrZombie (May 14, 2007)

"*Right-O. A dungeon. That's what it boils down to. Good. Our reverend Leader will, as allways, take point, nodoubt*."

The half-orc points BB in the right direction, and prods him along to test the corridor for traps.


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## Wystan (May 15, 2007)

_Ranti moves behind Bill and uses him as a human shield whilst pointing him in the correct direction._
"Come mates...and monkey...we have a before us an adventure of epic proportions. We need to...we have to...umm, what are we supposed to do in there?"
_Ranti turns to Grummsh and..._
"My good sir, does the map give any hint as to what we are actually supposed to be looking for in yon cave? I mean, even GrackleSmackel, the blind god of architecture, would have given his builders more information than we have to go on. We know that we and out semi-animate leader...along with a lower order primate...must perforce adventure into said gaping maw of mining before us, but we know not what we seek ...other than riches, fame, and glory."


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## Lord_Raven88 (May 15, 2007)

Cackling in obvious delight over the rough treatment of Berserker Bill, the capuchin who is currently resting on the half orcs shoulder peeks around from behind the safety (and cover)of the fearsome demon mask.

Concentrating for a split second a glowing shaft of angry red energy appears in his right hand and seems to grow from it's initial small size until it is equal in length to the monkey all the while it emits a low pitched humming noise .  Moving it experimentally to  and fro the sound from the glowing blade changes from a gentle hum to more sinister sound at it slices thru the air.

Apparently satisfied with the result, the blade suddenly contracts from the tip and disappears into the monkey's tiny hand. Conjuring his most innocent smile possible the capuchin shrugs his shoulders slightly and stares boldly into the eyes of his surprised companions and spits out a smug sounding "eek" in way of explanation.

OOC: For thematic purposes Infernus' mind blade makes the same noises as a light saber. Also Infernus changed his MB from the size of a Short Sword to a Bastard Sword and charged it with psionic energy.


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## DrZombie (May 22, 2007)

Wystan[color=green said:
			
		

> "My good sir, does the map give any hint as to what we are actually supposed to be looking for in yon cave? I mean, even GrackleSmackel, the blind god of architecture, would have given his builders more information than we have to go on. We know that we and out semi-animate leader...along with a lower order primate...must perforce adventure into said gaping maw of mining before us, but we know not what we seek ...other than riches, fame, and glory."[/color]




"*How do you mean, other than riches, fame and glory? We'll smite the ungodly, rid the world of evil, and have a good chance to kick some arse. Do we need another reason*?" The half-orc says. He sticks another cigar in his mouth takes the monkey by the arm and lights up using the glowing mind-blade.


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## Lord_Raven88 (May 22, 2007)

Wystan said:
			
		

> _Ranti moves behind Bill and uses him as a human shield whilst pointing him in the correct direction._
> "Come mates...and monkey...we have a before us an adventure of epic proportions. We need to...we have to...umm, what are we supposed to do in there?"
> _Ranti turns to Grummsh and..._
> "My good sir, does the map give any hint as to what we are actually supposed to be looking for in yon cave? I mean, even GrackleSmackel, the blind god of architecture, would have given his builders more information than we have to go on. We know that we and out semi-animate leader...along with a lower order primate...must perforce adventure into said gaping maw of mining before us, but we know not what we seek ...other than riches, fame, and glory."



Seeming to take great offense at being called a 'lower order primate' the capuchin chatters angrily at Ranti while performing a multitude of obscene gestures with his hand and body.

Finishing with a flourish the angry looking monkey opens up the Half Orcs backpack, and after helping himself to some beef jerky he pulls out the map and unrolls it. Glaring at the elf the capuchin reaches out at touches the symbol that causes the map to zoom in on their position.


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## Lazlow (May 24, 2007)

Ranti said:
			
		

> "My good sir, does the map give any hint as to what we are actually supposed to be looking for in yon cave? I mean, even GrackleSmackel, the blind god of architecture, would have given his builders more information than we have to go on. We know that we and out semi-animate leader...along with a lower order primate...must perforce adventure into said gaping maw of mining before us, but we know not what we seek ...other than riches, fame, and glory."




Suddenly, as if handed down by an omnipresent, omniscient entity controlling the world as he knew it, the elven warrior remembers that they were hired to find the Chromium Orb of Frobozz, an artifact of legendary power, and further remembers that Berserker Bill had mentioned that he thought it was somewhere near the vicinity of Lizard Spit.

The map zooms in at the monkey's touch, showing a zoomed in view of the mine and the entrance outside of which they now stand.  Nothing much else of interest appears, but as the trio peer inside, pushing the barely responsive husk of Berserker Bill along in front of them, they see words on the wall, inscribed in the very rock of the mine shaft that read:

ABANDON SOAP
ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE

[sblock=OOC for all] My apologies for the glacial pace of this game, but RL things are increasingly devouring my time:  An upcoming move to another state is in the works, which is being prompted by an upheaval of sorts at work.  But, as long as you guys don't mind this very slow pace, I don't.  I'm still really enjoying it, even if this font of comedic adventure comes in just a bare trickle.  So, again, my apologies, but also my deepest, heartfelt thanks for your nigh-infinite patience![/sblock]


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## Gray Shade (May 24, 2007)

Berserker Bill suddenly stiffens and without moving his gaze from straight ahead, shouts, “You’re each a deputy: don’t be a dope, watch out for the soap!”  *droooooool*

He then relaxes and resumes "finding traps".


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## Lord_Raven88 (May 24, 2007)

With a concerned look on his cute monkey face the capuchin returns to his home away from (The Half Orc's backpack) and begin searching for any sign of this devilish soap.


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## DrZombie (May 24, 2007)

The half-Orc glares menicingly at his compagnions as if daring anyone to show even a hint of a smile as the capucin removes, in random order, from the backpack of the mighty warrior, a purple, flowery smelling shampoo, a conditioner, an afterconditioner, two kinds of facial soap, a bottle of soap for the sensetive bits, a bottle of aftershave, an aftershave cream, a nightmask and something which you hope is brilliantine but you fear is vaseline.

"*Put that back. Eeeuhrm. I brought that 'cause i suspected they might be up to the old 'abandon soap' trick. I saw that once before. Dirty buisiness that was, I can tell ya. All manner of filthy beast lived yonder. But we cleaned the place out, we did*."


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## Lord_Raven88 (Jun 10, 2007)

DrZombie said:
			
		

> The half-Orc glares menicingly at his compagnions as if daring anyone to show even a hint of a smile as the capucin removes, in random order, from the backpack of the mighty warrior, a purple, flowery smelling shampoo, a conditioner, an afterconditioner, two kinds of facial soap, a bottle of soap for the sensetive bits, a bottle of aftershave, an aftershave cream, a nightmask and something which you hope is brilliantine but you fear is vaseline.
> 
> "*Put that back. Eeeuhrm. I brought that 'cause i suspected they might be up to the old 'abandon soap' trick. I saw that once before. Dirty buisiness that was, I can tell ya. All manner of filthy beast lived yonder. But we cleaned the place out, we did*."



Shrugging slightly at the strange ways of his companions the capuchin puts away the offending products and then returns to his home away from home wearing the Half Orcs night mask for a well deserved kip. 

This adventuring lifestyle was proving to be harder than Infernus has first imagined.


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## Wystan (Sep 14, 2007)

_Ranti decides that the group is taking too much of a breather and decides to nip off and see how the seamstress is doing. Sure that his 'friends' would be ready to contact him quickly if they decide to actually...you know...MOVE...AT...ALL...._


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## Wystan (Jun 16, 2008)

_Nine months later Ranti walks back over and starts poking his friends....he has had an interesting time. He helped make the uniforms for the new Royal Guards, Red with a lovely Red pot type helmet. He helped make the Uniforms for the new Imperial Troops, White with white armor and a white pot helm. He also helped the right hand man of the emperor co-ordinate his armor, Black with a black pot helm.... 
Since his friends appear to still not be moving he decides to go back and spend some more time in the Inn._


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## Wystan (May 4, 2010)

Eleven months later Ranti walks back over and starts poking his friends....
Since his friends appear to still not be moving he decides to go back and spend some more time in the Inn.


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## Wystan (Oct 3, 2015)

*5 years later*

_Ranti stumbles into the tavern... sees that nothing has changed, makes some new table clothes and dusts all of his friends and the bar... and then sits for a bit before wandering off again._


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## Wystan (Oct 11, 2016)

_Another year on... Ranti again returns to the Tavern, he proceeds to dust all the friends here, clean the tavern a bit... mend the clothes that have been moth bitten... he then pours himself a fine mug of Elven Wine and sits and proceeds to read the novel he brought with him. (You all must have missed when he dragged them all here from where they were..._


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## Wystan (Jul 24, 2017)

_Finally getting bored with his novel (hey, he reads slow), Ranti decides to repaint the Inn and redecorate - he goes to the local Sartor and takes all the materials he needs, this should be a quick job, no more than 8-12 months...._


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## Wystan (Dec 21, 2017)

_Doing the Inn in a nice Winters Solstice theme for the week, Ranti notes that he is almost complete with the remodel (But does wonder if it is tacky to use his friends and associates as a living chess board)..._


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## Wystan (Jun 26, 2018)

_Another 6 months and Ranti appears to be singing to himself? He has arranged the others as dress dummies!_


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## Wystan (Mar 4, 2020)

_Well, it took almost a year from when he started, but Ranti has finally gotten the entire bar and all the patrons into a working remodel of a Rube Goldberg machine. He figures if he pushes the first marble the last function should finish in just 10 minutes and a reset should take no more than 3-4 months._


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