# Tell us a joke...



## STARP_Social_Officer (Nov 29, 2006)

I know there's been many forums like this in ENWorld's history, but, truly, does it ever get old? Any subject of joke is welcome, though politics and religion are out as usual, just to be safe. I'd also steer clear of dirty jokes, just to be even safer. So, aside from that, no holds barred. I'm particularly interested in jokes from non-English-speaking countries, if anybody wants to volunteer one.

I'll go first, though I am in an English-speaking country (barely):

A guy walks into a pet shop, and sees a cockatoo sitting on a perch. As he's looking around, the cockatoo sayd "Oi, you!" So the bloke looks around and sees the cockatoo, and says "Er...yes?"
"F*** you, you filthy piece of s***!" screeches the cockatoo.
The guy looks around in disbelief. "What did you say?" he manages.
"F*** you, you filthy piece of s***!" the cockatoo shouts again.
The guy's had enough of this, so he goes up to the shopkeeper and says "that cockatoo just swore at me!"
The shopkeeper sighs and says "I'm so sorry, sir. I'll have to have words with him. It won't happen again. I'll tell you what - if you come back in an hour, I'll give you a 30% discount on anything in the store."
The guy agrees, and wanders away. When he's gone, the shopkeeper goes up to the cockatoo and says "now, look here, Bernie. If you swear at customers like that ever again, I'll sell you to smugglers! Do you understand me? I'll nail your feet to that perch if you ever swear again? OK?"
An hour later, the bloke comes back into the shop and sees the cockatoo. "Everything's OK, now, mate," says the shopkeeper. "He won't give you any trouble."
The guy orders a goldfish and the shopkeeper goes in the back to get it. As he's standing there, he hears the cockatoo go "Oi, you!"
So he turns around and glares at the bird, and says "Yeah, what?"
The cockatoo narrows its eyes and says "You know what..."

OK, that was pretty lame, now I think about it. Someone else do better!


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## Hypersmurf (Nov 29, 2006)

e^x and a constant are out at a party one night, and amidst the drinking and dancing, time gets away on them a little.

To get back to their apartment, they need to cross the park in the wee hours of the morning.  But at the edge of the park, the constant spots a sinister figure lurking in the shadows.  Peering closer, he gasps in horror.

"It's a differential operator!" he gibbers.  "He'll turn me into nothing!"  And the constant flees shrieking into the night.

In his drunken state, e^x is on the verge of following his companion... but then stops to think.  "Hang on," he says to himself.  "I'm the exponential function!  A differential operator can't hurt me!"  And squaring his shoulders, he strides into the park, right up to where the differential operator is standing.

"Hello," he says cheerfully.  "I'm e^x!"

"Why, hello," replies the differential operator, leering.  "I'm _d/dy_..."

-Hyp.


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## STARP_Social_Officer (Nov 29, 2006)

Hypersmurf said:
			
		

> e^x and a constant are out at a party one night, and amidst the drinking and dancing, time gets away on them a little.
> 
> To get back to their apartment, they need to cross the park in the wee hours of the morning.  But at the edge of the park, the constant spots a sinister figure lurking in the shadows.  Peering closer, he gasps in horror.
> 
> ...




::slaps thigh::
It's the way you tell 'em, Hyp...


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## Olaf the Stout (Nov 29, 2006)

Hypersmurf said:
			
		

> e^x and a constant are out at a party one night, and amidst the drinking and dancing, time gets away on them a little.
> 
> To get back to their apartment, they need to cross the park in the wee hours of the morning.  But at the edge of the park, the constant spots a sinister figure lurking in the shadows.  Peering closer, he gasps in horror.
> 
> ...




Just to jog my brain, what does e^x become when you differentiate it by d/dy?

Olaf the Stout


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## Thikket (Nov 29, 2006)

Olaf the Stout said:
			
		

> Just to jog my brain, what does e^x become when you differentiate it by d/dy?
> 
> Olaf the Stout





Zero.

The joke is some sort of irony (what can I say, I'm in Math, not English!)... Normally we assume that a differential operator will be along the same variable as the function in consideration; in this case, we expect the lurking evil to be d/dx. e^x is correct in assuming that such a differential operator would not harm him, since d/dx (e^x) = e^x * d/dx (x) = e^x * 1 = e^x. (See what I did there? I used the Chain Rule. The books never tell you that the chain rule applies for e^x, but it totally does. It's just useless.) 

But WHOA!! The joke spins the world on its head and totally throws our assumptions for a loop!! There we were, thinking the differential operator would be d/dx, but it's actually d/dy!

And when you differentiate along a different variable than any variables in a certain function, you treat those other variables as constants. So d/dy (e^x) = 0, just like differentiating a constant.

WHOA!!

In conclusion, how many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


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## Jesus_marley (Nov 29, 2006)

Thikket said:
			
		

> In conclusion, how many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?




Fish


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## Zander (Nov 29, 2006)

Fred and Bob, a couple of old guys are playing a round of golf when a funeral cortege passes slowly down a road adjacent to the golf course. Fred, who is about to tee-off, stops, removes his hat and lowers his head for a moment. He then resumes his stroke.
“I didn’t know you were spiritually-minded,” says Bob surprised.
“Well,” says Fred, “we were married for fifty years.”


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## kenobi65 (Nov 29, 2006)

Three pieces of string are walking down the street on a hot day.  They pass a bar, and one string says, "Let's get a drink."  But, when they get to the door, they see a sign in the door: "No Strings Allowed."

The first string says, "They can't be serious about that.  I'll go check it out."  He heads into the bar, hops up onto a barstool, and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer."  The bartender replies, "We don't serve strings here," motions to the bouncer, and the string gets thrown out into the street.

The second string says, "Hey, they can't do that!"  He heads into the bar, and is just as quickly thrown back out.

The third string says, "Hey, I've got an idea."  He starts to unravel himself a bit at both ends, and then contorts his body into a big tangle.  He then heads into the bar.

The bartender eyes him.  "Say, are you another string?"

"No, sir, I'm a frayed knot."


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## kenobi65 (Nov 29, 2006)

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

- Two.  The real trick is getting them in there.



How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

- Only one, but the light bulb has to really *want* to change.


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## Pbartender (Nov 29, 2006)

*The Funniest Joke in the World...*



			
				STARP_Social_Officer said:
			
		

> I know there's been many forums like this in ENWorld's history, but, truly, does it ever get old? Any subject of joke is welcome, though politics and religion are out as usual, just to be safe. I'd also steer clear of dirty jokes, just to be even safer. So, aside from that, no holds barred. I'm particularly interested in jokes from non-English-speaking countries, if anybody wants to volunteer one.




Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? 

Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!


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## WayneLigon (Nov 29, 2006)

A man's car breaks down in a very small town. While waiting for the mechanic to fix it, he goes to the local bar. He settles in to have a beer, when the bartender calls out "#45!". The men at the tables laugh. He grins and says "#12!" They fall out of their chairs laughing. 

The newcomer says "What in the world are you doing?"

The bartender says "We're a very small town and we've all heard each others jokes a million times. To save time, we started just numbering them."

The newcomer grins, turns and says "#45!"

The men in the bar are silent.

The newcomer looks back at the bartender. "What happened? I said the same thing you did."

"Eh, some people can tell a joke and some can't."


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## Hypersmurf (Nov 29, 2006)

Newton was bored, and felt like he needed a change.

So he drew a square on the ground, a metre on each side, and stood on it.

Beaming, he declared, "I'm Pascal!"

-Hyp.


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## kenobi65 (Nov 29, 2006)

Pbartender said:
			
		

> Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer?
> 
> Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!




Swell...you just wiped out the entirety of EN World's German membership.


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## Dioltach (Nov 29, 2006)

How does a blonde spell "farm"?
E-I-E-I-O.


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## kenobi65 (Nov 29, 2006)

Why did the blonde lose her job at the M&M factory?

She kept throwing out all the "E"s, "3"s, and "W"s.


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## Dioltach (Nov 29, 2006)

A blonde is pulled over for speeding by a blonde police officer, who asks her for her driving licence. The driver stares blankly at her, and asks what "one of those" is.

"It has a picture of you on," the police officer says.

So the driver digs around in her handbag for a while, then pulls out a small fold-out mirror. She opens it and looks at her reflection for a bit, then asks the police officer, "Is this it?"

The police officer takes the mirror and looks at for about a minute, then hands it back and says, "You know, we could have saved ourselves a lot of trouble if you'd told me right away that you were a police officer!"


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## Atavar (Nov 29, 2006)

There are 10 types of people in this world: Those who use binary numbers, and those who don't.


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## Atavar (Nov 29, 2006)

As a priest and a rabbi ware walking into a bar, the rabbi says to the priest, "Hey, did you hear the one about us?"


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## Atavar (Nov 29, 2006)

Why do moils never charge fees for performing circumcisions?  They only take tips.


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## Aeson (Nov 29, 2006)

Pbartender said:
			
		

> Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer?
> 
> Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!



If you people are going to tell jokes try it in a language that everyone can understand. 

Also stay away from math jokes. They hurt my brain.


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## Atavar (Nov 29, 2006)

Why is the sky blue?  Because if it were green we wouldn't know where to stop mowing the lawn.


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## Zander (Nov 29, 2006)

Atavar said:
			
		

> Why do moils never charge fees for performing circumcisions?  They only take tips.



Did you hear about the doctor who carried out a circumcision that went wrong? 

He got the sack.


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## Zander (Nov 29, 2006)

A man gets to the bank of a river and shouts to a blonde on the far bank: "How do I get to the other side?" The blonde shouts back: "You are on the other side."


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## Pbartender (Nov 29, 2006)

Atavar said:
			
		

> Why do moils never charge fees for performing circumcisions?  They only take tips.




Speaking of which...

Did you hear about the two moils who went into business together?

They always ended up arguing over who got to keep the tip.


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## Ferret (Nov 29, 2006)

Aeson said:
			
		

> If you people are going to tell jokes try it in a language that everyone can understand.
> 
> Also stay away from math jokes. They hurt my brain.



So you've never seen monty pythons flying circus?

The maths jokes are really good though...Tell us some more!


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## Olaf the Stout (Nov 29, 2006)

There are 3 types of people in this world.  Those that can count and those that can't.

Olaf the Stout


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## Aeson (Nov 30, 2006)

Ferret said:
			
		

> So you've never seen monty pythons flying circus?
> 
> The maths jokes are really good though...Tell us some more!



I've some of the show but not much. Don't care much for it.


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## kenobi65 (Nov 30, 2006)

Aeson said:
			
		

> I've some of the show but not much. Don't care much for it.




The German that was quoted earlier was from a Python episode, about the "World's Funniest Joke," developed as a weapon by the British in WWII -- it was so funny that anyone who came into contact with it died of laughter.  The Germans attempted to come up with their own, but it was lame.


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## STARP_Social_Officer (Nov 30, 2006)

_"Der vere zwei peanuts, valking down ze strasse. Und vun vas assaulted...peanut..."_

Oh, how they laughed...


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## Dannyalcatraz (Nov 30, 2006)

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?

A: Only one- all of the rest are true stories.


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## LightPhoenix (Nov 30, 2006)

A guy walks up to the bar and calls for the bartender.  The bartender comes over, and the guy says, "Bartender, I bet you 20 dollars I can bite my own eye."

The bartender replies, "There's no way you can do that, you're on!"

The guy takes out his glass eye and bites it.

The bartender is a good sport, laughs, and give the man his money.  He buys himself and his friend some drinks, comes back an hour later.

"Bartender, I'll bet you 50 dollars I can bite my own ear."

The bartender is a little wary, but says, "There's no _way_ you can do that!  You're on!"

The guy takes out his dentures and bites his ear.

Now, the bartender is a little miffed, but like I said, he's a good sport.  He chuckles and gives the man his money.  The guy goes and buys a bunch of shots for his friend and himself.  About an hour later, he comes back again.

"Bartender, I'll bet you 100 dollars that if you put a shot glass on the bar, I can pee into it and not spill a drop."

The bartender has watched the man drink all night, and knows he won't be able to do it.  He takes out a shot glass and puts it on the bar, saying, "Alright, you're on!"

The man stands up on a stool, upzips his fly, and lets loose.  It goes _everywhere_ - on the bar, on the floor, and especially on the bartender.  The bartender is laughing hard, knowing he finally got the guy... but then he notices the guy is laughing too.  

"Why are you laughing?  You just lost a hundred bucks, peed all over a bar, you're gonna get thrown out."

"Well, I bet my friend there five hundred dollars I could pee all over the bartender and make him laugh about it."


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## Zander (Nov 30, 2006)

What do you call a creature with the body of a man and the head of a bull?

A _moooo_tant.


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## Zander (Nov 30, 2006)

A topical joke for those in the UK: 

What's the difference between Russian sushi and giving to Children in Need?

Not much; they both leave you with a warm, fuzzy feeling inside.


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## Zander (Nov 30, 2006)

Dannyalcatraz said:
			
		

> Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
> 
> A: Only one- all of the rest are true stories.



A little girl gets home after school having walked through a graveyard on the way. “Can they burry two men in the same grave?” she asks her mother. “Of course not, dear” answers her mother, “Why do you ask?” “Well,” explains the little girl, “one of the tombstones said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”

Sorry, DannyA. I couldn't resist.


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## Pbartender (Nov 30, 2006)

kenobi65 said:
			
		

> The German that was quoted earlier was from a Python episode, about the "World's Funniest Joke," developed as a weapon by the British in WWII -- it was so funny that anyone who came into contact with it died of laughter.  The Germans attempted to come up with their own, but it was lame.




Man, if you have to explain it...



			
				Aeson said:
			
		

> I've some of the show but not much. Don't care much for it.




 

Out, you!


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## Aeson (Nov 30, 2006)

Pbartender said:
			
		

> Out, you!



People want you to revoke your geek card for anything these days. I haven't read the LOTR books. I don't care for Monte Python. I can barely do basic math and I have poor grammar and spelling skills.


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## Pbartender (Nov 30, 2006)

Aeson said:
			
		

> People want you to revoke your geek card for anything these days. I haven't read the LOTR books. I don't care for Monte Python. I can barely do basic math and I have poor grammar and spelling skills.




Relax, man...  it's nothing personal...  we're joking.

It's just hard to imagine a Roleplaying Gamer, and specifically a D&D Gamer, who can't pull a dozen or so quotes from Monty Python out of his pocket.

To address your first comment...



			
				Aeson said:
			
		

> If you people are going to tell jokes try it in a language that everyone can understand.




The "World's Funniest Joke" doesn't actually mean anything -- even in German, it's gibberish -- which is part of the reason the original sketch was so amusing.

At any rate, on with the jokes...


Her pipes started leaking, so she called a plumber. Since she had to rush off to work, she told the plumber, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Please fix the pipes, leaves the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Don't worry about my bulldog, Spike. He won't bother you...  But whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances talk to my parrot.

"That's very important. Don't. Say. Anything. To The Parrrot."

So when the plumber arrives and sets to work, he finds the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet intently watching the plumber go about his work.

The parrot, on the other hand, let out a steady, unending stream of incessant cursing, cussing, jeering and name-calling. After an hour of ear-splitting torment, the plumbler couldn't take any more, and yelled back,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Spike, get 'im."


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## Servitor of Wrath (Nov 30, 2006)

A blind man walks into a bar. He sits down, and after a few minutes, says, "Who wants to hear a blonde joke?"

The bartender says, "Sir, before you tell that joke, there are five things you should know:

1. I am a blond woman, and I have a baseball bat in my hand.

2. The woman by the door is blond and an expert knife thrower.

3. The woman to your left is blond and a pro wrestler.

4. The woman to your right is blond and a heavyweight boxing champion.

5. The woman just behind you is blond and she has a gun.

Keeping that in mind, do you still want to tell that joke?"

The man responds, "Not if it means having to tell it five times."


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## papastebu (Nov 30, 2006)

*Phi-lo-so-fickle*

A reporter is sent to interview a local farmer for a human-interest piece about his prize-winning pig. He gets to the farm and sees the hugest hog he could possibly have imagined standing there next to the farmer, happy as, well happy as a pig in the sunshine.
 "Good Lord," cries the reporter in amazement. "How did that pig get so big?"
 "Well," replies the farmer, "it has a lot to do with what we feed him. He eats nothing but acorns, and it's made him the largest hog in the world."
 "I can't see how you could get enough to feed such an animal," says the reporter, "especially now that he's gotten so huge."
 With a twinkle in his eye, the farmer says, "I'll just show you." The farmer then proceeds to get a block-and-tackle assembly set up beneath a nearby oak tree, with the giant hog as the object of his efforts, and lifts the massive creature into the middle branches of the tree, with, of course the assistance of a number of hired hands, his two sons, and for awhile, his own aging wife. All of this took them about an hour, and then the pig began to happily munch from the branches of the tree around him.
 "Of course," says the farmer, "we'll have to move him again in about 45 minutes."
 The reporter replies, "Isn't that a lot of time to spend on one animal's amazing growth?"
 The farmer squints up at the pig, scratches his head through his hat, and says at last, "Well, yeah. It is at that.
 "But what's time to a pig?"


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## Simplicity (Nov 30, 2006)

At a certain monastery, all of the monks have taken a vow of silence.  Only one of them can speak each year.  And that one monk can only say one thing.  So one year at breakfast, one of the monks speaks:

"I hate oatmeal."

A year passes by, and finally, again at breakfast another monk speaks up.

"I love oatmeal."

Another year of silence follows until again at breakfast a third monk speaks:

"I'm sick and tired of all this bickering about oatmeal."


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## Simplicity (Nov 30, 2006)

A pirate walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "Oh, my god.  You've got a steering wheel jammed into your crotch!"

To which the pirate replies, "YAR!  It's driving me nuts!"


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## Aurora (Nov 30, 2006)

Simplicity said:
			
		

> A pirate walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "Oh, my god.  You've got a steering wheel jammed into your crotch!"
> 
> To which the pirate replies, "YAR!  It's driving me nuts!"



Wow, that one is really bad.....


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## Aeson (Nov 30, 2006)

Aurora said:
			
		

> Wow, that one is really bad.....



..and not very original. I've heard it before.


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## kenobi65 (Nov 30, 2006)

Aeson said:
			
		

> ..and not very original. I've heard it before.




Yo, peanut gallery...if ya don't like 'em, post something funnier.


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## kenobi65 (Nov 30, 2006)

Dannyalcatraz said:
			
		

> Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
> 
> A: Only one- all of the rest are true stories.




I've heard this one attributed to Desmond Tutu; I have no idea if it truly came from him (I tend to doubt it did), but it's still funny.  (And, I don't *think* this crosses the "no religion" line.)

Desmond Tutu and the Pope both died on the same day, and went to heaven.

When they got there, St. Peter met them at the pearly gates.  "Welcome, Your Grace, Your Holiness.  Let me show you around."

Peter takes the two of them to a fairly pedestrian-looking apartment building.  He leads them up to the third floor, where he opens the door to a studio apartment.  "Bishop Tutu, these will be your accomodations for eternity."  Peter then opens the door across the hall, and indicates that the identical studio apartment there will be the pope's domicile.

Peter then leads them back downstairs and outside, where there is a bicycle rack.  "Since heaven is a big place, you'll need transportation.  Bishop, we give you this blue bicycle.  Your Holiness, you may have this red bicycle."

The pope and the bishop look at each other, a little surprised, but they say nothing.

As Peter leads them on, they see, across the street from their apartment building, an enormous mansion on a hill.  A limousine heads up the drive towards the mansion, and stops in front.  A man gets out of the limousine, doted on by a staff of cherubim and seraphim as he heads into the mansion.

Bishop Tutu taps Peter on the shoulder.  "Forgive me, St. Peter...but I was wondering.  The Pope and I lived selfless lives....lives dedicated to the service of our Lord...and we have rather spartan accomodations here.  What did that man do in his life, that he is rewarded so here?"

"Oh, him?  He was a lawyer."

"A lawyer!?  I am stunned!  How does that allow him such accomodations??"

"Well, Bishop, it's all about supply and demand.  The apartment building you're in?  It's full of popes.  We're up to our neck in popes.  That man up there?  He's our first lawyer."


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## Aeson (Nov 30, 2006)

kenobi65 said:
			
		

> Yo, peanut gallery...if ya don't like 'em, post something funnier.





I'll pull out the old men in the balcony muppets in a minute.


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## kenobi65 (Nov 30, 2006)

Aeson said:
			
		

> I'll pull out the old men in the balcony muppets in a minute.




Now, see, Statler, *that's* funny!


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## Aeson (Nov 30, 2006)

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.


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## kenobi65 (Nov 30, 2006)

A British man, a Scotsman, and an Irishman all sit down at a bar, and they each order a beer.  Just as the bartender serves them, a fly lands in each man's beer.

The Brit looks disgusted, and pushes the glass away.  "Pour me another one, please."

The Scotsman pulls the fly out of his beer, shrugs, tosses it over his shoulder, and takes a drink.

The Irishman pulls the fly out of his beer, and begins to pound on the fly's back.  "Spit it out!  Spit it *all* out!!"

(BTW, I'm Irish.  )


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## Aeson (Nov 30, 2006)

Twelve days Microsoft
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Windows 95 for my PC
Christmas Elf
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 12 sound cards silent, 11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC!


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## IcyCool (Nov 30, 2006)

LightPhoenix said:
			
		

> "Well, I bet my friend there five hundred dollars I could pee all over the bartender and make him laugh about it."




The best delivery for that joke that I've ever heard was from Quentin Tarantino in "Desperado".


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## Olaf the Stout (Nov 30, 2006)

What's some advantages of Alzheimer's?

You're always meeting new people

You can hide your own easter eggs

You can wrap your own christmas presents

Olaf the Stout

My sympathies do go out to anyone that suffers or knows someone that suffers from Alzheimer's disease.  I know that it isn't the easiest of things do deal with.


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## cybertalus (Nov 30, 2006)

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window.  Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."


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## Simplicity (Nov 30, 2006)

Aeson said:
			
		

> ..and not very original. I've heard it before.




Originality?  Come on.  Do you really think any one is making up the jokes being posted here?  I think I GOT that joke from ENWorld a few years back.      But I liked it so much, I reposted it.  At any rate, I did post TWO jokes.

If you want something more original, perhaps you'd like to hear my list of possible future careers:

1) Food scientist.  I want to create a margarine substitute called: "I'm Not Certain That's Margarine!"

2) Advertising Slogan Maker.  #1 rule of advertising slogans is that any slogan sounds better with "dammit!" stuck onto the end.  "Food, Folks, and Fun, dammit!".  "Apply directly to forehead, dammit!"

3) Chinese spirtualist shop owner.   "Yin-yang half off!  Buy one, get fung shui!"

4) Director.  I want to create an action movie based on the Bible.  It'll be called "The Greatest Action Movie Ever Told".  Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as Jesus: "Ahl be bach!".  Steven Seagal as Noah, who must foil a terrorist from taking over his ark.  I wanted Wesley "Always Bet On Black" Snipes to play the devil, but I've been told that that would be seen as "racist".  Whatever.  I wasn't the one using the line.  Maybe that's not a great idea though.  And he's kind of got problems of his own anyways right now.

5) Agent.  Speaking of Wesley Snipes, I want to be an agent for Wesley Snipes.  I think he'd do well as a spokesperson for H&R Block.  "Always bet on Block!"  Get it?  That'd be an awesome spot.


----------



## Pyrex (Nov 30, 2006)

One more stupid math joke.

You walk into a room.  There's a fire in the corner and a bucket of water on the desk.  What do you do?  Easy.  Pick up the water and put out the fire.

Later, you walk into a second room.  There's a fire in the corner and a bucket of water *under* the desk.  Now what do you do?

.
.
.

Simple, you move the bucket of water from under the desk to the top of the desk, thus reducing it to a previously solved problem...


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## Servitor of Wrath (Dec 1, 2006)

A man walks into a bar and says, "gimme three shots." The bardtender does so and the man drinks them one ofter the other. The next day he comes back and says, "Gimme three shots." Same process. The next day, when the man comes into the bar and asks for three shots, the bartender says, "I could just pour them all into one larger glass, you know." The man says, "No, I like them this way. You see, I have two brothers, but they're both overseas right now and I miss them terribly, so with three glasses like this I can imagine we're all having a drink together." "How nice, " the bartender says.

This continues for some time, until one day the man walks into the bar and says, "gimme two shots." The bartender asks, "Did something happen to one of your brothers?"

"Oh, no. It's just that I decided to quit drinking."


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## IcyCool (Dec 1, 2006)

Simplicity said:
			
		

> 4) Director.  I want to create an action movie based on the Bible.  It'll be called "The Greatest Action Movie Ever Told".  Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as Jesus: "Ahl be bach!".  Steven Seagal as Noah, who must foil a terrorist from taking over his ark.  I wanted Wesley "Always Bet On Black" Snipes to play the devil, but I've been told that that would be seen as "racist".  Whatever.  I wasn't the one using the line.  Maybe that's not a great idea though.  And he's kind of got problems of his own anyways right now.




Ever seen MADTV? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR4SlQGLS3I


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## Olaf the Stout (Dec 1, 2006)

Simplicity said:
			
		

> I wanted Wesley "Always Bet On Black" Snipes to play the devil, but I've been told that that would be seen as "racist".  Whatever.  I wasn't the one using the line.  Maybe that's not a great idea though.  And he's kind of got problems of his own anyways right now.




What problems exactly?

Olaf the Stout


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## Simplicity (Dec 1, 2006)

Olaf the Stout said:
			
		

> What problems exactly?
> 
> Olaf the Stout




He owes 16 million dollars in back taxes and has fled out of the country, last I heard.


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## Simplicity (Dec 1, 2006)

IcyCool said:
			
		

> Ever seen MADTV? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR4SlQGLS3I




MadTV stole my oldest joke!  Dammit! I've been telling that since I was a little kid...
There really is no originality in jokes.


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## Aeson (Dec 1, 2006)

Simplicity said:
			
		

> Originality?  Come on.  Do you really think any one is making up the jokes being posted here?  I think I GOT that joke from ENWorld a few years back.      But I liked it so much, I reposted it.  At any rate, I did post TWO jokes.



I was just playing around.


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## Simplicity (Dec 1, 2006)

Aeson said:
			
		

> I was just playing around.




No problem.  I ignore everything.


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## Aeson (Dec 1, 2006)

Simplicity said:
			
		

> No problem.  I ignore everything.



I will not be ignored.


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## Olaf the Stout (Dec 1, 2006)

Simplicity said:
			
		

> No problem.  I ignore everything.




Except for that comment obviously.    

Olaf the Stout


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## Michael Silverbane (Dec 1, 2006)

Two blondes were on a nature walk when they come across a set of tracks.

"Those are deer tracks!"  said the first blonde.

"No.  They are bear tracks."  said the second blonde.

As the two blondes were standing there arguing over what type of tracks they had found...



...They were hit by a train.


Later
silver


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## Simplicity (Dec 1, 2006)

What was that?  I wasn't paying attention...


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## Simplicity (Dec 1, 2006)

Did you hear about the police station that had all of it's toilets stolen?
The police have nothing to go on.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Dec 1, 2006)

> > *Simplicity*
> > 4) Director. I want to create an action movie based on the Bible. It'll be called "The Greatest Action Movie Ever Told". Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as Jesus: "Ahl be bach!". Steven Seagal as Noah, who must foil a terrorist from taking over his ark. I wanted Wesley "Always Bet On Black" Snipes to play the devil, but I've been told that that would be seen as "racist". Whatever. I wasn't the one using the line. Maybe that's not a great idea though. And he's kind of got problems of his own anyways right now.
> 
> 
> ...




There is also a movie called And God Spoke, which is a "Spinal Tap"-esque mocumentary in which they explore the trials and tribulations of 2 B-list directors hoping to make the next great Hollywood Bible epic.

Cain is played by Lou Ferrigno...Abel is played by Andy Dick.

I got to see it premier at SXSW in Austin with the directors...the movie simply rocks!


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## Aurora (Dec 1, 2006)

Simplicity said:
			
		

> Did you hear about the police station that had all of it's toilets stolen?
> The police have nothing to go on.



ROFL


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## Zogmo (Dec 1, 2006)

Aeson said:
			
		

> Also stay away from math jokes. They hurt my brain.




Here's one for ya.

ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.


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## Zander (Dec 1, 2006)

Olaf the Stout said:
			
		

> What's some advantages of Alzheimer's?...
> 
> Olaf the Stout



In what way are you an advantage of Alzheimer's?


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## Zander (Dec 1, 2006)

Simplicity said:
			
		

> Originality?  Come on.  Do you really think any one is making up the jokes being posted here?



I made up the Russian sushi and moootant jokes on the previous page. 

It wouldn't surprise me though if someone had come up with the moootant one before I did.


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## WayneLigon (Dec 1, 2006)

Two best friends, Sam Frank and Frank Sam, were both killed on the same day. Frank Sam ascends to Heaven while Sam Frank goes straight to Hell.

One day, Frank Sam comes to Saint Peter and asks if he can get a visitor pass to Hell to see his old buddy. St Peter is reluctant but finally agrees. "But be back by 10 pm!" he says.

Frank Sam descends into the Pit and finds his old friend has opened up a ightclub and is doing very well. They get to talking and drinking and telling old stories, and the time completely slips away from Frank Sam. At 3am he looks at his watch, yells, and races back up to Heaven. 

St Peter is waiting for him, tapping his foot. "Do you know what time it is?! Where have you been, and what have you been doing? You're drunk, and stink of cigar smoke and your robe has beer stains on it and.. your harp, what happened to your harp?!"

Frank Sam looks all around, then yells "Oh my God! I left my harp in Sam Frank's disco!"


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## Jesus_marley (Dec 1, 2006)

A Rabbi decides to go out and spread the word to the world. So he sets out and after many miles of travel he sees a signpost that says "Tridia - 20 miles". The Rabbi had not seen a soul in days so he decides to go to this town and spread the word. As he neared the town, The Rabbi saw a giant figure stomping through the town kicking any townsfolk that got in the way. The Rabbi at first thought to turn around but the nearest crossroads was 20 miles back so he simply tried to make himself small and try to sneak through the town. Halfway through, the giant sees him and yells "Hey you! Come here!"
The Rabbi fearing for his life begs "Please, Oh great Giant, I am a humble Rabbi. Please don't kick me."

The Giant then Laughs and says "Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for Trids!"


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## Aurora (Dec 1, 2006)

2 puns in a row people! Haven't you seen the title of this forum!


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## Pyrex (Dec 1, 2006)

So, while realizing that type is a horrible medium for jokes involving timing, I'll retell my GF's favorite joke anyway...

Teller:  Knock, Knock.
Listenter:  Who's there?
T:  Impatient cow.
L:  Impa...
T:  *MOO!!*


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## dog45 (Dec 1, 2006)

Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Man it's hot in here!" The other muffin says "Holy Crap a talking muffin!"


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## Aurora (Dec 1, 2006)

Pyrex said:
			
		

> So, while realizing that type is a horrible medium for jokes involving timing, I'll retell my GF's favorite joke anyway...
> 
> Teller:  Knock, Knock.
> Listenter:  Who's there?
> ...



I have heard that one before. It cracks me up even in type.


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## Simplicity (Dec 1, 2006)

Pyrex said:
			
		

> So, while realizing that type is a horrible medium for jokes involving timing, I'll retell my GF's favorite joke anyway...
> 
> Teller:  Knock, Knock.
> Listenter:  Who's there?
> ...




I've always heard it as an interrupt---  MOOOO!!!!


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## Jesus_marley (Dec 2, 2006)

Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?


A: That's not funny.


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## awayfarer (Dec 3, 2006)

What do you call a deer without any eyes?

No-eye deer.

What do you call it if it's not moving?

Still no-eye deer.


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## Servitor of Wrath (Dec 3, 2006)

awayfarer said:
			
		

> What do you call a deer without any eyes?
> 
> No-eye deer.
> 
> ...



Arrrgh! *slaps forehead with one hand, shoots you with the other*

*gets hands mixed up and shoots self*


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## Dannyalcatraz (Dec 3, 2006)

> Teller: Knock, Knock.
> Listenter: Who's there?
> T: Impatient cow.
> L: Impa...
> T: MOO!!





I may just have to name my next Minotaur PC ImpaMoo!


Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: It doesn't matter, he still won't come when you call him.


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## Raylis (Dec 3, 2006)

A burgler breaks into a suburban home one night and begins to rob the place. As he starts to unhook the stereo he hears a voice:

"Jesus is watching."

He flashes his flashlight around, and not seeing anything, shrugs and resumes his theft. Again the voice said:

"Jesus is watching."

The burgler turns again and shines his light more slowing until it settles on a parrot. "Who the heck are you?" the burglar asked. 

"Who me?" the parrot asked, "I'm Moses."

"Who would name a parrot Moses?" 

"The same people that would name a pit bull Jesus."


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## awayfarer (Dec 3, 2006)

Servitor of Wrath said:
			
		

> Arrrgh! *slaps forehead with one hand, shoots you with the other*
> 
> *gets hands mixed up and shoots self*




I'm sorry, I'm deeply ashamed but it was all I could think of at the time.


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## Jesus_marley (Dec 3, 2006)

Following the line of possible future careers, I always wanted to be an author. I even have the title of my first book. "Yes, Virginia Woolf, Be afraid of Santa Claus."


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## cybertalus (Dec 3, 2006)

*At the Store*

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." 

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." 

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?" 

"Snow."


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## Bubbalicious (Dec 4, 2006)

Olaf the Stout said:
			
		

> What's some advantages of Alzheimer's?
> 
> You're always meeting new people
> 
> ...





Q: What's the first thing a Sorority girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A: Walks home.

Q: How does a Sorority girl turn on the light after sex?
A: Opens the car door.

Q: What's the difference between a Sorority girl and a limousine?
A: Not everyone's been in a limousine.

Q; What does a Sorority girl mating call sound like?
A: "I'm so drunk!!!"

Q: How are a Sorority girl and a bowling ball alike?
A: You throw them in the gutter and they keep coming back.

Q: How is a Sorority girl different than a bowling ball?
A: You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

Q: What's the difference between a Sorority girl and an elephant?
A: About 10 pounds.
Q: How do you make up the difference?
A: Force feed the elephant.


My sympathies do go out to anyone who suffers or knows someone who suffers from knowing a Sorority girl.  I know that they aren't the easiest things to deal with. 

Unless, of course, you're trying to get in their panties.


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## Aurora (Dec 4, 2006)

Uh-oh with Bubba posting in this thread the jokes are going to soon turn to cheese!


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## Dannyalcatraz (Dec 4, 2006)

_(Is betting that Bubbalicious knows the difference between a Sorority and a Circus...)_


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## hong (Dec 4, 2006)

Hypersmurf said:
			
		

> e^x and a constant are out at a party one night, and amidst the drinking and dancing, time gets away on them a little.
> 
> To get back to their apartment, they need to cross the park in the wee hours of the morning.  But at the edge of the park, the constant spots a sinister figure lurking in the shadows.  Peering closer, he gasps in horror.
> 
> ...



 This is reinforcing my desire to have Hypersmurf's manbabies.


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## Aeson (Dec 4, 2006)

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
She said . . .You wear pants don't you?

He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said ... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet p aper?
She said ... We don't know; it has never happened.

He said ... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge


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## Aurora (Dec 4, 2006)

BAHAHAHAHAH nice one Aeson.


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## Pielorinho (Dec 6, 2006)

How many elephants can fit in a VW bug?
Four:  two in the front and two in the back.

How can you tell there's an elephant in your fridge?
There are footprints in the butter.

How can you tell there are two elephants in your fridge?
You can hear them whispering.

How can you tell there are three elephants in your fridge?
The door won't close.

How can you tell there are four elephants in your fridge?
There's an empty VW Bug out front.

Why are elephants big, wrinkled, and gray?
Because if they were small, smooth, and white, they'd be aspirin.

What's big, green, has six legs, and will kill you if it falls on you from out of a tree?
A pool table.

Daniel


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## Angel Tarragon (Dec 6, 2006)

*The Three Bears*

A Far More Accurate Account Of The Events Of That Fateful Morning...

Baby Bear Goes Downstairs, Sits In His Small Chair At The Table, And He Looks Into His Small Bowl.

It Is Empty. "who's Been Eating My Porridge?" He Squeaks.

Daddy Bear Arrives At The Big Table And Sits In His Big Chair. He Looks Into His Big Bowl And It Is Also Empty. "who's Been Eating My Porridge?!?" He Roars.

Mummy Bear Puts Her Head Through The Serving Hatch From The Kitchen And Yells, "for God's Sake, How Many Times Do We Have To Go Through This With You Idiots?

It Was Mummy Bear Who Got Up First.
It Was Mummy Bear Who Woke Everyone In The House.
It Was Mummy Bear Who Made The Coffee.
It Was Mummy Bear Who Unloaded The Dishwasher From Last Night And Put Everything Away.
It Was Mummy Bear Who Went Out In The Cold Early Morning Air To Fetch The Newspaper And Croissants.
It Was Mummy Bear Who Set The Damn Table.
It Was Mummy Bear Who Put The Bloody Cats Out, Cleaned The Litter Boxes, Gave The Cats Their Food, And Refilled Their Water.
And Now That You've Decided To Drag Your Sorry Bear-asses Downstairs And Grace Mummy Bear With Your Grumpy Presence, Listen Carefully, Because I'm Only Going To Say This Once....

I Haven't Made The Effing Porridge Yet!!!"


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## Olaf the Stout (Dec 6, 2006)

Pielorinho said:
			
		

> How many elephants can fit in a VW bug?
> Four:  two in the front and two in the back.




I don't get that one.  Maybe I missed the punchline.  Or is the punchline the fact that 4 elephants are supposed to be able to fit into a VW Bug?  If so then I don't find it funny.

Enough complaining.  More jokes that don't make sense.

Why did the girl fall of the swing?
Because she had no arms.

Why couldn't Eric ride a bike?
Because Eric was a fish.

And one of my all-time favourite jokes(ironic considering I didn't find the elephant joke funny):

What's white and blue and sits up a tree?
A fridge with a denim jacket on.

Olaf the Stout


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## Olaf the Stout (Dec 6, 2006)

One more:  What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

Olaf the Stout


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## Aurora (Dec 6, 2006)

Olaf the Stout said:
			
		

> I don't get that one.  Maybe I missed the punchline.  Or is the punchline the fact that 4 elephants are supposed to be able to fit into a VW Bug?  If so then I don't find it funny.



I don't believe it is supposed to be funny on it's own. It is setting up the jokes further down the list.


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## awayfarer (Dec 7, 2006)

Did you hear about the psychic midget that escaped from prison? Theres a small medium at large.

I met my girlfriend at my weekly seonce group. I was a regular, she was a medium.


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## Bubbalicious (Dec 7, 2006)

Here are a couple for the ladies:

A young couple moves into a house that shares a backyard with an older couple's house.  The elder housewife decides to take the younger under her wing and teach her all she needs to know about married life, so every Sunday they both did their laundry and met outside to talk while hanging it out to dry.  One Sunday the elder housewife didn't show, so the younger went ahead and hung out her wash.  A couple of hours later it started to rain and the younger woman got soaked as she went outside to pull down her laundry.  The next Sunday, the younger housewife went outside to hang her laundry, followed closely by the elder.

Younger - "I missed you last week."

Elder - "I guess I should have told you it was going to rain."

Younger - "How did you know it would rain?"

Elder - "Well dear, when I wake up in the morning, I look at my hunband's manhood.  If it lays on his left leg, it's going to be a clear day, but if it lays on his right leg, it's going to rain.  On those days, I hang my laundry inside."

Younger - "What does it mean if your husband has an erection?"

Elder - "Oh sweetie, on those days I don't do laundry!!!"


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## Bubbalicious (Dec 7, 2006)

Little Red Riding Hood was all grown up and had moved to the city.  She had an apartment with Little Bo Peep, who was also now fully grown.
One day, Red Riding Hood decided she needed to visit her Grandma, and told Bo Peep of her plans.

Bo Peep said: "Just make sure you're careful, Red.  Rumor has it that the Big Bad Wolf has been seen around for the first time since that thing with you and the Woodsman.

Red: "Yeah, I've heard the rumors, but he doesn't scare me.  I've handled him once, and if I need to I'll handle him again."

Bo:  "Well just remember, the Woodsman moved, and your Grandma lives way out in the woods, so there will be no one there to back you up."

Red:  "Don't worry about me, Bo, I'm a big girl now."

So Red Riding Hood put on her little red panties.  Then she put on her little red bra.  Then she put on her little red hooded jumpsuit.  Then she put on her little red boots.  She grabbed a basket and left for Grandma's house.

She skipped along over the river and through the woods, picking some of Grandma's favorite berries and flowers along the way.  A couple of times, she thought she saw something out of the corner of her eye, but she chalked it up to imagination and paranoia and skipped on all the way to Grandma's house.

When she set her first foot in Grandma's yard, the Big Bad Wolf jumped out of the bushes and blocked her path.

Wolf:  "I've been looking forward to this day for a long time, Red.  I've done nothing all these years but dream of how I would exact my revenge.  You've grown up real nice though, Red.  Puts me in mind of something else.  You're lookin' so good, I think it calls for a change of plan."

"Instead of what I was going to do, I think I'm gonna fu%# them little red boots off ya!"

"Then I'm gonna fu%# that little red jumpsuit off ya!"

"And I'm not stopping there, no!  'Cause then I'm gonna fu%# that little red bra off ya!  And then I'm gonna fu%# them little red panties off ya!!!"

The wolf stopped then because he noticed Red Riding Hood was sort of laughing a bit.

Wolf:  "What the Hell's so funny?!?!"

Red:  "You've got it all wrong wolf..."

"The book says you eat me!!!"


----------



## Mycanid (Dec 8, 2006)

Just heard the other day from my friend who visited another country earlier this year that the  its people have been confused for decades why Americans have such a fascination for sitting quietly and watching (or listening to) yaks in the morning and the evening.

I asked my friend what he was talking about.

He said they asked if it was true that most Americans watched the morning and evening gnus....


----------



## Angel Tarragon (Dec 8, 2006)

Mycanid said:
			
		

> He said they asked if it was true that most Americans watched the morning and evening gnus....



Well, I for don't watch the gnus at all.


----------



## papastebu (Dec 16, 2006)

Two old men in the deep south sat on a porch, watching the traffic pass.
Between them sat an old hound dog, licking his privates, as dogs often do.
One old man looks down at the dog, looks at the other old man, and says, "I'll tell you, I wish I could do that. I'd never leave the house."
The other old man looks puzzled, saying, "Well, you go ahead and try, but I think that dog'll bite ya."


----------



## Merkuri (Dec 16, 2006)

I got a bunch of these...

A blonde goes to the hairdresser. The hairdresser says, "I'm not going to cut your hair with those headphones on. Take them off."  The blonde says that she can't. "Well, I'm not cutting your hair unless you take them off." The blonde says,  "OK, but whatever happens is your fault." So the blonde takes off her headphones and the hairdresser starts cutting her hair. A few minutes later, the blonde keels over, dead. Confused, the hairdresser puts on the blonde's headphones and hits play. She hears, "Breathe in... Breathe out..."


A girl comes home from school and says, "Mommy, what's sex?" Her mother is a very modern woman, and she decides to give her daughter The Talk. She goes over all the details, the ins and outs, ups and downs, and when she's done, her daughter holds up a paper and says, "How do I fit all that onto this little line?"


A woman is home alone and decides to take her husband's little boat out into the lake to read.  She's reading in the middle of the lake when a man pulls up in another boat.  "Ma'am," he says, "It's illegal to fish here.  I'm going to have to give you a ticket."  "I'm not fishing," she says, "I'm reading."  "Well," says the man, "you have all the equipment and for all I know you could start any time."  She looks at him and says, "If you give me a ticket then I'll have to turn you in for rape."  Shocked, the man says, "but I haven't touched you!"  "You have all the equipment," she answers, "for all I know you could start at any time."  After a moment, the man says, "Have a nice day, ma'am," and rows off.


The FBI is looking for a new agent.  They've narrowed it down to three candidates.  They take the first one down to a basement room and bring him to a door.  "Behind this door," they say, "is your wife.  Take this gun and shoot her."  The man takes the gun, looks at the door, and says, "I can't do it.  I'm not your man."  The second canditate is brought to the same door and given the same speech.  He takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out a few minutes later.  "I couldn't do it.  Not with her looking at me like that.  I'm not your man."  They take the third candidate, a woman this time, to the door.  "You're husband's behind this door," they say.  "Take this gun and shoot him."  The woman goes into the room, and a coulple minutes later a great ruckus is heard coming from behind the door!  When everything goes silent, she comes out.  "The gun was full of blanks," she says.  "I had to bludgeon him to death with a chair."



With all his fasting, Ghandi was probably pretty weak, and his poor diet did awful things to his breath, and he always walked barefoot, so you could call him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.



A man has a parrot that will not stop swearing.  It sounds like a sailor from the wrong side of town.  In an effort to punish the bird, he shoves it into the bathroom, but he can still hear the swearing from behind the door.  He tosses the bird into the closet, but he's still mouthing off.  Finally, he's so fed up that he throws the parrot into the freezer.  Absolute silence.  Afraid he may have actually harmed the bird, he opens the door.  The parrot hops out onto his arm and says, "I'm terribly sorry for my behavior, sir, I will make a true and sincere effort to rid myself of these shameful ways.  But I just have one question.  What did the turkey do?"



A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.  He puts the bag on the table and takes a small well-dressed man out and puts him on the bar.  The bartender stares at the little man.  "That's neat!" he says.  The man shrugs and takes a tiny grand piano and a piano stool out of the bag and places them on the bar.  The tiny man sits down on the stool and starts playing.  "That's amazing!" says the bartender.  The man takes one more thing out of the bag, an ornate bottle.  "What's that," asks the bartender.  "A genie," says the man disinterestedly.  "He'll give you one wish."  "Can I try," asks the bartender?  "Sure," says the man, "but I have to warn you, he's hard of hearing."  The bartender picks up the bottle and gives it a rub.  Sure enough, a genie pops out and says, "What do you wish?"  "I want a million bucks!"  "Done!"  The genie claps his hands and vanishes.  At the same time, a great quacking noise fills the bar.  All around are thousands and thousands of ducks.  "That's not what I asked for," the bartender says.  "You think I asked for a ten-inch pianist?" the man at the bar said.


----------



## Heathansson (Dec 17, 2006)

Little mushroom walks into a bar.
Mushroom says, "bartender, buy everyone in the bar a round on me."
Bartender says, "what's the occasion?"
Mushroom says, "no occasion.  I'm just a fun guy."


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## Bubbalicious (Dec 18, 2006)

A guy from Ohio, a guy from Indiana, and a guy from michigan are walking down a rural dirt road, when they come upon a cow stuck in a fence with its rear-end sticking up in the air.  The guy from Ohio looks at the cow and says "MAN, I wish it was Jessica Simpson!".  The guy from Indiana looks at the cow and says "MAN, I wish it was Pamela Anderson!".  The guy from michigan looks at the cow and says "MAN, I wish it was dark out!!!".


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