# Cage Match: Conan vs Tarzan TO THE DEATH!



## Desdichado (Oct 11, 2005)

When I was in junior high, a friend of mine and I were discovering the pulp masters more or less at the same time.  I stumbled first on Edgar Rice Burroughs, and his Tarzan (and other) series, while he stumbled first on Robert E. Howard and the Conan stories.  We later traded books, so we got to read a lot more that way; it actually worked out very well for us.

But we had a very vocal and vicious debate about which of the two was the most "bad-ass", and for some reason, that assinine debate of my youth has come back to mind.  So now, to settle it once and for all; let's put Tarzan in one corner, Conan in the other, have them fight their way through hordes of man-apes (from the jungles of Stygia, or the ruins of Opar; take your pick), giant snakes and crocodiles to finally face each other and prove, once and for all, who is the King of Over-The-Top Pulp Heroes.


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## demiurge1138 (Oct 11, 2005)

Conan. I mean, really. He's got a really big sword. And mighty thews. Now, if Tarzan's apes were behind him, it might even the odds, but Conan's still likely to win.

Demiurge out.


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## Dark Jezter (Oct 11, 2005)

Conan, definately.


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## Ankh-Morpork Guard (Oct 11, 2005)

Conan would destroy Tarzan.


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## Angel Tarragon (Oct 11, 2005)

Tarzan would be lucky to have any intact bones in death.


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## Mark CMG (Oct 11, 2005)

Any weapons?


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## MonsterMash (Oct 11, 2005)

Conan by a whisker, as the Tarzan of the books is more of a bad ass than the movie versions.


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## Hand of Evil (Oct 11, 2005)

Got to go Tarzan, he was smart, sneaky, skilled, fast, brutal, equaly as strong as Conan.


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## shilsen (Oct 11, 2005)

If it's no weapons, Tarzan in a heartbeat. If Conan has his sword, I'd give him a very slight edge. Actually, like most such matchups, it would depend on whether Howard or Burroughs was writing


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## Viking Bastard (Oct 11, 2005)

Rules of Pulp fiction. Tarzan is a hero. Conan is an Anti-Hero.

Tarzan wins.


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## Desdichado (Oct 11, 2005)

Wow, I'm surprised Conan is winning this so easily; I can only imagine that most voters are unfamiliar with the Tarzan books!

Tarzan was just as fast, strong and--if anything--more brutal than Conan.  He was more intelligent, too.  He killed dozens of manapes, lions, leopards, snakes, crocodiles, and _even frikkin' dinosaurs_ with either his bare hands, or just a hunting knife.  He single-handedly kicked the butts of Kaiser Wilhem's entire African army (_Tarzan Untamed_) and that of Stalin as well (_Tarzan Triumphant)_.  He was cursed? by an African witch-doctor with immortality.  Not saying that he _should_ win (although I voted for him), just that at the very least, the results should be close!

Of course, I was the one who had the Tarzan books, and I read them before I read Conan.  Plus I've been an ERB fanboy since I was about 11 years old.  Still, when I first read one Conan story ("Red Nails" I think?) and it mentioned that Conan had killed a charging bull with his bare-hands when he was younger, that was the first time I even got the impression that Conan could even play in the same playground as Tarzan.


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## Cthulhu's Librarian (Oct 11, 2005)

Tarzan. I like Conan as much as the next guy, but Tarzan is definitly the favorite to win.


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## takyris (Oct 11, 2005)

This may require some hunting, but one of my writing buddies found an old pulp story in which Conan FOUGHT Tarzan.

I don't remember who won, but it was, according to my friend, about the most unintentionally homoerotic thing ever... lightly clad men heaving and straining and lots of use of the word "submit".


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## Flexor the Mighty! (Oct 11, 2005)

Conan!


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## Taelorn76 (Oct 11, 2005)

Conan would tear Tarzan apart.


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## warlord (Oct 11, 2005)

Tarzan, the man kills tigers with his bare hands. And if he couldn't wrestle Conan to death he go hide in a tree then toss a spear in his ribs.


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## Desdichado (Oct 11, 2005)

warlord said:
			
		

> Tarzan, the man kills tigers with his bare hands. And if he couldn't wrestle Conan to death he go hide in a tree then toss a spear in his ribs.



Yeah, Conan's sword is nothing special (unlike the phallic symbolism of the movie Conan).  Tarzan, on the other hand, has an entire arsenal of weapons; handfuls of heavy spears, poison-tipped arrows, his lasso, his knife.


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## Hand of Evil (Oct 11, 2005)

And Tarzan is an ambush predator, he also has the following: rage, grapple, monkey-grip, bite attack, crushing attack, leap, rope use, knife fighter.


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## trancejeremy (Oct 11, 2005)

Conan killed a number of apes with his bear hands, surely he could handle an ape-man.


The Shadow could beat them both, IMHO.


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## Ankh-Morpork Guard (Oct 11, 2005)

Hand of Evil said:
			
		

> And Tarzan is an ambush predator, he also has the following: rage, grapple, monkey-grip, bite attack, crushing attack, leap, rope use, knife fighter.



 Ahhh, but how does one ambush in a Cage Match?


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## Atridis (Oct 11, 2005)

I have to go with Tarzan. Even if Conan is the stronger of the two, which is itself debatable, Tarzan is accustomed to fighting things that are bigger and stronger than he is. The man can grapple a _tiger_, for heaven's sake...


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## JimAde (Oct 11, 2005)

Tarzan, baby!

Actually I think they'd probably join forces, destroy all the ape-men and tigers, then hunt down whoever put them in the cage kick their sorry behinds.


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## Hand of Evil (Oct 11, 2005)

Ankh-Morpork Guard said:
			
		

> Ahhh, but how does one ambush in a Cage Match?



from above


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## Knightfall (Oct 11, 2005)

JimAde said:
			
		

> Actually I think they'd probably join forces, destroy all the ape-men and tigers, then hunt down whoever put them in the cage kick their sorry behinds.




That would be an awsome story. They would start out as unintentional enemies, gain a respect for each other through trials of strength and endurance, and then join forces to kick the bad guys butts all across the jungle.

However, I had to vote for Conan.

KF72


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## Klaus (Oct 12, 2005)

Tarzan the Ape-Man vs. Conan "Amra, The Lion"?

Had to go with Conan.


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## Tumbler (Oct 12, 2005)

Howard thought of Conan as the ultimate example of a human tapping into the power of barbarism and one-ness with the savage, an intuitive megahero.  Burroughs writes Tarzan as the ultimate expression of human intellect wed to that same power of barbarism.  Tarzan seems better equipped and more versatile here, so I went with him.  I do agree he'd be much better off in the largest "cage" possible.


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## Eloi (Oct 14, 2005)

Armed with swords, Conan could force a tie. Barely.

Bare-handed, Tarzan has three options: Let Conan live (unconscious), force Conan to submit, or kill Conan. Conan just can't get Tarzan into a position where Conan's marginally superior strength can be the decisive factor - Tarzan is nimbler, more savage, and has decades of experience killing foes that are stronger, but not so wily as Tarzan. Conan had better hope for mercy from Tarzan.

Another way to put the difference: If Predators landed and hunted Conan, Conan would win, after convincing his chosen foe he was dead and then pullling off a deadly sneak attack.. and the remaining Predator team would appear, salute, enter their ship, and they'd take off. If the Predators tried that with Tarzan, both surviving Predators would flee Earth, leaking fluids - and then discover Tarzan was on their ship with them. 

Yet another way: Conan would be an old school, hardcore Fighter, with plenty of Barbarian. Yet he faces a nightmare: an old school Grandmaster of Flowers dual-classed to Barbarian, and full of old-school buttkicking goodness. Tarzan has killed apes, tigers, lions, giant snakes, Nazis, duellists, and dinosaurs with his bare hands before. Conan has killed his share, but not for as many years (immortality does matter).

Draka wish they could grow up to be like Tarzan.


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## lissilambe (Oct 14, 2005)

I'm not sure I could pick one or the other. It's really such a subjective thing. I'd lean towards Tarzan, I guess, but both sides have their points.

I respond to the email about the pulp story that was referred to. I believe the person was talking about "A Feast Unknown", by Phliip Jose Farmer, in which homages to Tarzan and Doc Savage are brought into battle with each other by a mysterious guding council to determine who should get immortality. It's a good read, but it's also very, very brutal, blunt and written with homoerotic elements galore.

Don


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## Desdichado (Oct 14, 2005)

Oh, _that_ book.  Yes, well, I'd recommend staying away from any Philip José Farmer Tarzan stories.  That one, with two muscular and nearly nude male characters grappling and telling each other to submit all the time, barely scratches the surface.  PJF made himself famous writing fantasy pornography.  _Lord Tyger_ as a super-sexual Tarzan is, frankly, kinda strange.


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## ragboy (Oct 20, 2005)

I'm a huge fan of both characters, so that's a tough one. I'd have to know the conditions, weapons/armor allowed, and whatnot. It's my opinion that Tarzan probably not as physically strong as Conan, since Conan's typical day involves hauling around several pounds of steel and Tarzan's involves hunting, swinging through the trees, and running. His weapons are light and he only fights when he has to. So, I'm thinking Tarzan looks a lot like a tri-athelete with slightly more bulk, and Conan looks more like a body-builder. 

I think with a no-weapon cage match, Tarzan has the edge due to his nimbleness. He can stay out of Conan's reach and lock him in one of those crazy wrestling moves he's always using on lions and whatnot. With a single weapon, I'd say they were pretty evenly matched. Full regalia, I'd give the edge to Conan due mostly to his armor. 

OH and stop stop stop saying that Tarzan kills tigers (unless you're talking sabre-tooth tigers)! Wrong continent. Even ERB wasn't THAT bad.


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## Desdichado (Oct 20, 2005)

ragboy said:
			
		

> OH and stop stop stop saying that Tarzan kills tigers (unless you're talking sabre-tooth tigers)! Wrong continent. Even ERB wasn't THAT bad.



Actually, he was.  His editors told him to fix it though--everytime Tarzan encounters Sabor or Sheeta, that used to be a tiger in the older drafts.


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## devilbat (Oct 20, 2005)

Conan in three rounds.


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## Kolchak (Oct 20, 2005)

I would have to say it would be a tie.


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## Wulf Ratbane (Oct 20, 2005)

Was Tarzan ever a pirate?

Cause Conan was a pirate.

I think you know what I'm sayin'.


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## Ferret (Oct 20, 2005)

Eloi said:
			
		

> Armed with swords, Conan could force a tie. Barely.
> 
> Bare-handed, Tarzan has three options: Let Conan live (unconscious), force Conan to submit, or kill Conan. Conan just can't get Tarzan into a position where Conan's marginally superior strength can be the decisive factor - Tarzan is nimbler, more savage, and has decades of experience killing foes that are stronger, but not so wily as Tarzan. Conan had better hope for mercy from Tarzan.
> 
> ...





I'm backing Tarzan for this reason. Note,, however I am equally inexperienced with both characters, so ya'know.

Head to head, I could see Conans brute strength beating Tarzan, and by head to head I mean they only swing punches and swords. Even in a cage Tarzan could ambush/kick ass.


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## Black Pharaoh (Oct 20, 2005)

Wulf Ratbane said:
			
		

> Was Tarzan ever a pirate?
> 
> Cause Conan was a pirate.
> 
> I think you know what I'm sayin'.




Yeah, but Tarzan might be considered a talking ape, which is as good as a pirate.


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## Hand of Evil (Oct 20, 2005)

Wulf Ratbane said:
			
		

> Was Tarzan ever a pirate?
> 
> Cause Conan was a pirate.
> 
> I think you know what I'm sayin'.



Mmmmm, I think so - then I have to check but in some of the WW2 stories he killed ninjas.


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## Desdichado (Oct 20, 2005)

d00d, Tarzan totally pwned ing dinosaurs!!!!11  Did Conan ever do that?  Huh?  Did he?


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## Dark Jezter (Oct 20, 2005)

Joshua Dyal said:
			
		

> d00d, Tarzan totally pwned ing dinosaurs!!!!11  Did Conan ever do that?  Huh?  Did he?



 Well, in Red Nails, Conan _does_ kill a "dragon" that sounds very dinosaur-like in appearance.


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## Rykion (Oct 20, 2005)

Joshua Dyal said:
			
		

> d00d, Tarzan totally pwned ing dinosaurs!!!!11  Did Conan ever do that?  Huh?  Did he?




Not that I'm aware of.  Conan did kill a few gods though.  

They are two great pulp heroes.  I'm not voting because neither could win a fight to the death, as neither is killable.


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## AdmundfortGeographer (Oct 20, 2005)

Rykion said:
			
		

> They are two great pulp heroes.  I'm not voting because neither could win a fight to the death, as neither is killable.



Quoted for truth!


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## Enkhidu (Oct 20, 2005)

I'm going with Conan. I think he'd be the first one to cheat.


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## Tonguez (Oct 26, 2005)

Enkhidu said:
			
		

> I'm going with Conan. I think he'd be the first one to cheat.




And that would be his biggest mistake. Cheating implies that they are fighting within the confines of some kind of rules - Tarzan doesn't fight by any rules, his is the savage barbarism of the jungle.


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## Templetroll (Oct 26, 2005)

I think everyone should read one ERB Tarzan book and one REH Conan book starting this weekend.  It has nothing to do with the poll but a damn fine way to spend some time.


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## Rykion (Oct 26, 2005)

Tonguez said:
			
		

> And that would be his biggest mistake. Cheating implies that they are fighting within the confines of some kind of rules - Tarzan doesn't fight by any rules, his is the savage barbarism of the jungle.




Neither would fight by any rules.  They are both the dominant barbaric yet highly intelligent force in their respective literature.  Anything but a draw would be inconceivable.


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## Orius (Oct 26, 2005)

Crom!  It's Conan all the way!


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## Andelas (Oct 27, 2005)

Kane would slaughter them both.


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## Hand of Evil (Oct 27, 2005)

Andelas said:
			
		

> Kane would slaughter them both.



Well, that is a given.


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