# The Knights of Ill Fortune (or the Chronicles of Kale, Agent of the Empire)



## Morrow (Feb 26, 2003)

In a sense this campaign was inspired by Contact's Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil, a campaign that derives a lot of black humor from it's massive body count.  

I suggested to a few gamers of my acquaintance that it might be fun if I ran a game with the stated purpose of killing lots of characters.  They would have a chance to play all those character concepts that might be fun for a session or two, but who they don't want to be stuck playing long term.  I thought the idea would go over like a lead balloon.  It shows what I know.

I'm not going to try to keep a strict Story Hour here, I'm just going to ask the players to toss up session reports, character information, and whatnot as the mood strikes them.  Hopefully we'll get different chunks of the overall story told by different characters.  After only one session I have discovered that characters with life expectancies of less than a month tend to develop some pretty interesting character flaws.


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## Morrow (Feb 26, 2003)

*Shinobi Killfist*

The first character in our honored company is Shinobi Killfist.  On paper this accomplished half-orc is a 1st level rogue/ fighter.  But in his own mind... Well, just take a look at this quote from a recent email.



> *Don't worry. If you show up late, I'll control your character.
> 
> I have little doubt you'll be following his lead anyway. He is, after all, a NINJA! A ruler of the night! Master of swordplay and assassination! All the women worship him, and all the men fear him. He's a slam-bang honest-to-goodness three-fisted humdinger. He's a bona fide supraman, and the faster you all learn to follow his lead, the better.*




Morrow


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## Forrester (Feb 26, 2003)

*My name is Shinobi Killfist.*

My name is Shinobi Killfist. 

I have climbed the highest mountain and swum the deepest ocean, both in the same day and without a bathroom break. I once defended a village of midgets from rampaging psionic half-dragon illithid ogres using nothing more than a half-empty flask of holy water and a small lathe. They sang songs in my honor, after which I asked them to stop, quickly. In my spare time I make masterwork weapons in less than half the time projected by a careful reading of the PHB. All the women call me Treetop Lover, and all the men just call me ‘Sir’. I am the Alpha and the Omega, as well as the Beta and the Zeta on the second Monday of every month. To know me is to fear me, to fear me is to love me, to love me is to need me, and to need me is to wonder whether I can find the time to fit you into my busy schedule. 

I can fit you into my busy schedule. I have cut the hair of kings and queens, and am always left a hefty tip. I am a poet, a painter, a sculptor, and have killed more men than God. Last summer I arm-wrestled a titan. I have eaten troll, dragon, and demon, and washed it down with the blood of the Tarrasque. I can throw large objects with no range penalty. I once talked a high-level diplomat into giving me all of his magic items. He thanked me for my company afterwards, and we went for a beer. It was on him. 

I help old women across the street, whether they want to cross the street or not. I have never missed in combat. To relax, I knit +5 scarves. I once sold one of my toenails for fourteen gold pieces. Children ask me to autograph their foreheads. I spontaneously combust every twenty minutes, and it does wonders for my complexion. I take 20 on untrained Knowledge checks. Women consider most of my body parts to be epic-level magic items. I once looked into a Mirror of Opposition, but my double was too scared of me to come out. 

My name is Shinobi Killfist, and you are lucky to have me traveling with you. So where in the hell are we going?


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## jeffwik (Feb 26, 2003)

*In a nutshell...*

The party meets a farmer and does him a favor in exchange for breakfast.  Farmer does not show up to buy breakfast at the appointed time.  Party hurries back to farm to wreak crunchy vengeance and take the breakfast by force, if necessary.  Party finds farmer dead, trampled to death by Evil Mind-Controlling Horses.  Party gets excited, because they can take the farmer's livestock and sell it!  Party fights off Evil Mind-Controlling Horses.  Guards ride up and suggest party chase Evil Mind-Controlling Horses back to their source.  Party instead tries to claim the farmer's estate based on his owing them.  Owing them breakfast (valued at four copper pieces).  Party searches farm for loot.



My character is Thror Urthwerker Dwarrowdelver Hammersmith Swordaxe Steelbeard Potentaxe Arkenstone, dwarven cleric of the god of the laws of the dead.  Thror is the _de jure_ party leader, because he keeps saying he is.  Thror demands respect from the puny commoners, because he has healing magic.  As a priest of the (LN) death god, Thror is empowered to put a good or bad word in with the Judge, and decide whether you belong in Heaven or Hell.  Thror sells healing at a rate of thirty pieces of silver per two hit points healed.

Thror also wears heavy armor and has a strength of 10, which means his base move is only 15'.  If he runs (speed 45') he can keep up with Throdizar's single move rate (40').


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## Forrester (Mar 4, 2003)

*Shinobi here.*

Now sit back on that tremendous chunk of flesh you call an ass and listen to my story. 

Not that it’s much of a story so far. The time I beat Thor in a pissing contest – now THAT was a story. That boy could drink! Or that night I spent with those succubi . . . damn. I mean, _damn_. Worth every lost level, let me tell you. But this? This barely qualifies. But what the hell, right? So here we go. 

I’ll skip the background. It reads like a bad Forgotten Realms novel. I honestly doubt that you are so bored you want me to drone on and on about this lord and that country and our great quest and blah blah blah and I’m slipping into a coma even as I speak. Trust me, I’m doing you a favor. It suffices to say that I, Shinobi Killfist, demigod and Ninja Extraordinaire was traveling north with three “companions”.  

The first is a half-orc whose name escapes me. I just call him “Brother”. He’s quite stupid, in an endearing Homer Simpson sort of way. 

The second is a dwarf whose name is something along the lines of Thror GreedyBastard. A cleric, of course, though he does an excellent impersonation of a turtle. He insists that he will be charging me for healing. If I ever got hit in combat, I would be quite worried about that, as I spent my last 10,000gp on this cute little Solar I know. _Imprison_ me baby . . . mmmm. But I digress. 

The third is a half-elf pseudo-paladin named Gwaedaheelahae. Or something. I stopped paying attention after the third syllable and the seventh vowel. He likes shooting things from far away. How un-elflike! 

So anyway, there we are. Walking north. Slowly, because Thror is encased in heavy armor. You could cut the tension with a yawn . . . when suddenly, out of NOWHERE, we see this OLD MAN! Trying to SADDLE his HORSES!!!!

“Wow”, you’re saying. “That’s . . . that’s, well, really dull. Can you tell us the story about the succubi instead?” No, I can’t, Timmy. I have to tell this story, because it’s Morrow’s story hour, and I don’t want him getting all upset. So sit your ass back down.

Anyway, so he can’t saddle his horses. Stupid commoner. But it gives us a lame excuse to talk to him. Long story short, we help the pathetic sod and ask him about the town nearby. 

I don’t remember much . . . but I do remember that he said there were bells there. And something about a dragon that got killed 50 years ago. And they make bells there. Also, he’s had some nightmares. And I did I mention the bells? 

Great. Just great. Here we are walking into a Kevin Kulp module and we don’t even have anyone psionic. I’m not worried, of course, as I’m immune to psionics (it’s all a part of the Shinobi template), but my companions are as good as toast. D’oh!

So we talk a bit with Old Man Exposition, and he says that he’ll treat us for breakfast the next day in town. Well, I’m not one to turn down a free breakfast, and I can tell from the drool dripping down the dwarf’s chin that he’s not one to turn one down either. We accept.

It’s getting late, so we head into town. We hit the market, look at the local yokels, run into some nut who has had some weird visions . . . all pretty standard just-got-into-town stuff. A couple bumpkins bump into me (see, that’s why they call them bumpkins). They knock their coin purses into my pocket – a shame, that. When I get a spare moment I’ll have to turn over their goods to the local constable. Anyway, everyone seems kind of grumpy – you know, like they Haven’t Had Much Sleep Lately. If I were a smarter demigod, I’d say that this is a Clew.

Now that we’re through with the mingling, the local Mayor decides to hold an impromptu town meeting. He gives a little speech about the random crap happening – don’t ask for details, I didn’t take notes – and says that the local Heroes are out hunting for the Missing Children. Awwww, there are missing children. Isn’t that terrible? That would be a plot hook if I gave a crap. Maybe, though, there might be some money in finding them. That’s what Thror GreedyBastard thinks, and he talks to the local Sheriff-type about the possibility of a reward. He is, unfortunately, blown off – the Sheriff says that the Local Heroes can take care of it, thank you very much, yes they’ve been gone for a couple days but they’ll be back soon, you can count on it. 

Riiiiiiiight. 

So we go to bed. I will spare you the amusing tale of keeping Brother out of my room, not to mention my tormenting of the local innkeeper. Point is that at some point, we all fall asleep. And – Dum-dum-DUMMMMMMMMM! – we all have, as expected, Bad Dreams. I’ve had worse – I remember this one time I had a dream that I had nothing to eat but elf pudding for ten days in a row, that was pretty bad. But that’s not the point. The point is that we had bad dreams, thus further entangling us in the Plot. Got it? Good. 

So we wake up. I wake up a little early, actually, and scoot around town doing a little spying. You know, just to make sure that everyone is on the up-and-up. I don’t see anything too suspicious, and so I head back to the inn. After all, Old Man Exposition is supposed to be feeding us, right? 

Well, surprise surprise, Old Man Exposition isn’t there. I wonder. Could he be dead? That’d be predictable, I mean, the natural next step in the plotline of a well-written module. Elf-boy is concerned about the old man, and GreedyBastard and I are pissed off that the old fart welshed on his promise to feed us breakfast. Brother, well, Brother pretty much goes wherever you tell him to go. We point him south, towards the old man’s farm, and kick him in the shorts. He heads off in that direction, and we follow. 

After about five minutes, we realize that he could be eating breakfast without us. This really pisses Brother and I off, and we decide to hustle the rest of the way, leaving the slo-mo and Elf-boy behind. We get there in twenty or so minutes. The place, well, the place is deserted. We sniff around a little bit, and are less than surprised to find Old Man Exposition’s corpse in the barn. I confess that we were a little surprised to find hooveprints embedded in his forehead. But these things happen, right? 

Brother goes outside to snoop around while I search the old man’s body for clues. I find some, but not as much as I’d like. I proceed to the old fogey’s little hut, and proceed prying up floorboards and rummaging through cupboards looking for more clues. Nothing! I still can’t believe he didn’t have anything in there. Not an old sword, not a sack of silver pieces, nothing. Damn. Well, I suppose we can always sell the horses. 

Where are those horses anyway? I head outside to check. Brother is busy counting his toes, trying to get up to ‘6’. (He has seven.) I smack him in the back of the head and point to the two horses that are giving us dirty looks from across the field. Hmph. We draw our swords and approach them slowly. The chance that these are demon-possessed horses that happened to have a grudge against Old Man Exposition and so they killed him is small (and certainly ridiculously stupid – I mean, wouldn’t demon-possessed horses have something better to do with their time?), but it’s possible. 

Yeah. Possible. 

One of them gives me a dirty look. I ignore it. Brother walks up to one of them and, I don’t know, tries to put the halter or saddle or some other sort of horse-gear on him. And then a horse gives HIM a dirty look. He doesn’t ignore it -- all of a sudden, he becomes paralyzed with fear, or boredom, or something. Well, that’s just great. Luckily for the pace of this story, our two companions show up a round later. Elf-boy shoots a horsie a couple of times, and the two of them get all scared. They gallop off. Brother is unhurt, even though a horse tried to chew on him. Clumsy horses! Brother and I chase them for a half-minute or so, but soon face the facts – the dumb horses can, unfortunately, run faster than we can. That’s what I get for trading those Boots of Cheat to that cleric of Aphrodite for a bj. We all have weaknesses . . . yes, even Shinobi. 

Now that Thror’s here, I talk to him a bit about our newfound treasure. Namely, three horses and two cows. The horses are valued at oh, I don’t know, perhaps 75gp each, and maybe the cows are about 30gp apiece. Treasure treasure treasure! Thror starts drooling, and I confess my mouth moistens a bit. Brother goes back to counting his toes. 

Elf –boy, on the other hand, isn’t too fond of our plan to take all of the old man’s possessions. Thror points out that if the old man had family, they’d have been here to cook for him and such, not to mention save him from being trampled by demon-possessed horses. Also, the old man owed us for helping him saddle his horses – and, he never did treat us for breakfast like he promised. Makes sense to me! Unfortunately, it didn’t make sense to elf-boy. *sigh* So we decide to not go through with it. After all, there are folks on the road who just HAPPEN to be walking by, keeping an eye on us and harassing us about what just happened. Nosy bastards. Anyway, the Sheriff finds out about the death, shows up to investigate an hour later, buys my story about how we killed two horses and chased two off (and so should be entitled to a reward, duh), and then leaves. Talk about your useless NPCs. 

But what about Your Heroes, you ask? Well, we are, naturally, bored. And pissed off at the demon-horses. And so, we decide to track them – I mean, they’re horses. One of them is bleeding. This shouldn’t be too hard. And it isn’t – we track them south, then northwest, towards the Mysterious Old Mine Where The Dragon Was Killed Fifty Years Ago. As we get close, the trail grows cold – but, we find a metal plate that leads down into a mine of some sort. It’s been bent back a couple times. In we go! 

We descend. We walk around a little. We enter a cavern. Three heads start screaming, so we destroy them. We enter a room filled with beetles and tacky dragon art. We get attacked by four trog-zombies, three of which I dispatch personally (Brother nails the fourth). 

And that, friends, is where we left it. I’ll tell you more – promise – in ten days or so. If you’re good. 


Shinobi Killfist


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## incognito (Mar 4, 2003)

I'll read this one if the sarcasm keeps up.  Shinobi had a very nice, angry, 'it is my right!' type of pacing. 

at the end, it lost track a bit.


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## Morrow (Mar 4, 2003)

I think it's great that the whole party (well, nearly the whole party) whined and moaned all session about just wanting to start a fight, but when they finally got the chance to kick ass, Shinobi loses interest in the project.  I guess it's hard to be sarcastic about laying a righteous butt-kicking on the spawn of the undead.

As y'all have probably figured out we are starting the campaign with Piratecat's Of Sound Mind.  Of course we've added that particularly charming Knights of Ill Fortune bad attitude.

We couldn't get together this week, so you'll have to wait another week before our cranky, greedy heroes get the heaping helping of hurting they've got coming their way.

Morrow


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## Forrester (Mar 4, 2003)

incognito said:
			
		

> *I'll read this one if the sarcasm keeps up.  Shinobi had a very nice, angry, 'it is my right!' type of pacing.
> 
> at the end, it lost track a bit. *




You may, of course, proceed to kiss my shiny metal ass. If I was trying to keep your interest, incognito, I would have made all of the NPCs 5-year old boys looking for a spanking. 

That being said, I may flesh out the end at some point. But I have to be honest -- after you've killed storm giants with your bare hands, a little battle against some half-fiend half-dragon trog zombies is less than gripping, no matter how you spin it. 

I could have defeated them all blindfolded with my right hand tied behind my back while taking a crap. I would have, too, but it takes a while to set something like that up, and I had hit the privy before we left. Maybe next time. 

Shinobi


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## LuYangShih (Mar 4, 2003)

This story hour would be much better if it focused more on Thror GreedyBastard.  He's really got a deep, interesting personality, that reminds me of some great fantasy character from some book somewhere.


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## incognito (Mar 4, 2003)

> You may, of course, proceed to kiss my shiny metal ass. If I was trying to keep your interest, incognito, I would have made all of the NPCs 5-year old boys looking for a spanking.




That was funny!  To bad the end of your post wasn't.  

But is anll seriousness - when can we expect the next update?!?

LuYangShih: while a cleric who charges for healing is a hoot.  Shinobi should detail this adventure for consistency - I think.  Shiny metal asses notwithstanding

Maybe the cleric can narrate teh 'next' story arc?


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## Shard O'Glase (Mar 4, 2003)

Shinobi Killfist is perhaps the greatest character of all time.  I'd sell my spleen to be able to play in a game like that.


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## Gez (Mar 6, 2003)

Forrester said:
			
		

> *You may, of course, proceed to kiss my shiny metal ass.*




A shiny metal ass ? This reminds me of someone... Are you a relative of that lovely bladeling harlot ? Hmm, I remember rubbing her with sandpaper until she shone, and then...

Mmh, maybe I should not enter into too much details with all these 5-year-old NPCs around, they could hear things they're too young to know.


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## treefrog (Mar 10, 2003)

Gather round the fire and I, Throgdizar Thickskin, tell tail of what happened to me when I travel away from home.   Remember fire hot  if you play with burning sticks your hands will hurt.

I traveling with cousin (sneaky-cousin), pointy eared won, and the slow won.  We walking and walking and walking when we sea farmer playing with horsies.   We all want to play with horsies. Once we done playing farmer gives us food.  Food good, once we eat it time to sleep.  But cousin tells me we must keep walking.  

We walk to town. We all decide to go to in and find place to sleep for the Knight.   I go sleep on nice benches.  In keeper wakes me up and tells me my cousin has room for us.  Cousins door is a little stuck but I open door.  Cousin reminds me I need to wash before I sleep, else mother gets mad (that bad).  When I get back cousin’s door stuck.  I go back down to bar to sleep.  

Next morning farmer no show up for breakfast.  We decide maybe he forgot to come and have breakfast with us.  We decide to go to farmer and eat they’re.  I very hungry and forget to be polite and wait for slow won.  Me and cousin go to farm, but no farmer.  No farmer in house.  Dead farmer in barn.  Strange hoof print in the blood.  I look around and sea horsies playing in the field.  I decide to go over to horsies and bring them back to barn.  Cousin comes to help me get horsies.  

Then bad thing happens horsies are not good nice horsies, they are bad mean horsies.  They look at me and I no move.  I get very, very angry at horsies pretending to be nice but really being mean.  Slow won and pointy eared won arrive and scare off mean horsies.  We try and follow but horsies too fast.  

We walk to cave maybe to look for mushrooms (I like mushrooms especially long and slimy mushrooms or the kind with brown spots), if we find rabbit we could make stew.  We walk in cave but find no good eats only yucky noisy heads and icky trogs with meat already spoiled.  

Something is wrong, things fresh killed should be good to eat.


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## Morrow (Mar 11, 2003)

I have changed the thread name to reflect the latest writeup.  

We finally had our second session last night and to my great surprise, everyone survived.  Two whole sessions without character death!  I'm clearly not working hard enough.  

I'm sure we can expect a write-up from Shinobi's perspective soon, if only to get his name back on the thread title. 

Morrow


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## jeffwik (Mar 11, 2003)

*Ah, memories.*

"I run to catch up."

"What if we all worked together as a team?"
(general laughter)

"Stupid piercing weapons."

"Good thing I took Toughness."
"I'm glad *I* took Toughness."
"I wish I took Toughness."

"You're going straight for the gems, ain't ya?"

"You know he's not threatening."
"I don't care, I'm tumbling anyway."
...
"So therefore, I will tumble... you know what?  Screw tumbling."

"Surrender in the name of Urien!"
"Is that ever going to stop being funny?"

"Hold still while I knock you unconscious!"

"If a ninja can't practice his skills by stealing from party members then what is this world coming to?"

"Throg tired of carrying dwarf."

"I'll charm her with my Shinobi powers!  What woman could resist?" (roll, roll) "I rolled a 5 for Diplomacy, so... 3."

"Throg still tired of carrying dwarf."


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## treefrog (Mar 13, 2003)

*throg carries more party members*

I continue tail of what happen ... when Throgdizar leave home.  So far after leaving home I find nice horsies to play with , mean horsies that try and bite me, heads that scream a lot and worst of all I kill meat but it not smell good to eat after i kill it.       

	Well after we kill bad tasting monsters one of my friends, Cousin, pointy eared one and Thor  (in case you forget he is the short , bearded one), say they see invisible thing leaving room.  I know see invisible man but still walk down passage until we come to big room with big campfire in big bowl in the center of the room.  Seaky big pile of bones attack me.  I attack the bones.  Pointy eared friend ran to corner of the room, when an old man came out of shadows to attack him.  Lucky Pointy eared one decided to run to the corner.  

	Pile of bones scratched me ... it hurt ... a lot.  But then Thor (in case you forget he is the short , bearded one) comes over to help.  After that Brave cousin  runs behind bones and distracts them.  All of us - me, Cousin and Thor (in case you forget he is the short , bearded one)  do battle with the bones.  It is no match for us.  Once it falls i notice that cousin is on the floor not moving, he is bleading a lot.  Thor (in case you forget he is the short , bearded one) is not so smart as me and does not see cousin lying on the floor.  He goes to help Pointy eared one fight the old man.  

	I walk over to Thor (in case you forget he is the short , bearded one) and ask him to fix cousin.  I walk over to cousin with him to make sure he remembers where cousin is.  Thor (in case you forget he is the short , bearded one)  Stops cousin from bleeding but has no more magic left to fix him.  

	Pointy eared one bravly kills the old man who was only pretending to be a man but is really an old Trog.  

	I sit with cousin while the others decide to play in big campfire bowl that is razed high off floor.  I am about to warn them that fire is hot when I see the pointy eared one jump into the fire.  I cannot sea him, butt I do not smell burning flesh.  Instead of screams I hear him claning inside big campfire bowl.  Maybe he is not hurt bye fire.  Thor (in case you forget he is the short , bearded one) is trying to get to pretty stones out of a huge statue of a dragon in the room.  I worry that my knew friends will forget about cousin becuase of all the fun they are having with there games.  I tell Thor (in case you forget he is the short , bearded one)  that i will get his pretty stones but then we leave and get cousin fixed.  

	I climb up statue and pry out the first pretty stone, Thor (in case you forget he is the short , bearded one)  catches pretty rock and puts it in his bag.  Then I realize something very, very important.  This is no statue, this is a dragon pretending to be statue.  Stupid pretending.   I run over to cousin and then run away carrying cousin.  My new friends also decide to run away.  Dragon seems to be very interested in Thor (in case you forget he is the short , bearded one).  I guess he wantes his I back.  We all run away... Cousin is very heavy.  We leave cave.  Pointy eared one and Thor (in case you forget he is the short , bearded one)  Both say they think the dragon has stopped following us.  I no want to check.  We climb out of the cave and head back to city.  Once we get there we find a temple and heel cousin.  he is very generous so I donate all of his gold coins to the temple for him, since he cannot.   

	Once cousin wakes up he asks me to give pretty copper coins to temple next time instead of boring gold.   I am happy he is so generous.  I will give both copper and gold next time.  

	We go back to the in and eat in food, which is very very yummy.  There are two beds.  My pointy eared friend says we will have to fight over who sleeps on the floor, but since I call out "sleeping on the floor" Just after he says that I am allowed to sleep on the floor.  My friends are very nice to me.  

	I must tell you that some are not as playful as cousin which causes him to get into fights sometimes.  I try too explaiun that he is only playing but some are grumpier than others.  The next day couisin got inot a fight with Thor (in case you forget he is the short , bearded one)  and the pointy eared one.  I was so sad to hear them fighting that I say we should go back to the caves.  The others agree, for they said the old man told them he heard little ones somewhere in the caves.  I was sad that they're might be small ones lost in the caves.  

	So we decided to look around the caves.  I was happy to look anywhere but near the sneaky dragon pretending to be a statue.  After a while we came to another room with a dragon statue and a big campfire in a bowl.  Only this dragon had only one pretty stone instead of two.  I didn't want to go near the dragon but the others told me it was fine and this dragon was sure to not eat us.  I mentioned to my cousin that the other dragon was sitting on a doorway.  We went over to the dragons but to see if this dragon was also sitting on a Doorway, and he was.  The others really wanted to go through I didn't want to but the next thing i new i was prying the pretty stone from the dragon.  When the dragon stopped pretending he was a statue he started chasing my pointy eared friend who had his pretty stone.  We walked through the doow way and down a passage.   Soon our Pointy eared friend came running up to us but the dragon was tired of chasing him and decided to sit back down by the passage.  

	We climbed up a rope and found a pretty water fall.  there was butiful music coming from the water.  Suddenly everyone started ripping they're shirts and stuffing there ears with the cloth.  My friends tried telling me something but i reminded them that of course i could not hear them, they had stopped up they're ears.  Soon i understood they wanted me to rip up my shirt and block my ears.  I did so.  

	We went throught the water fall to a room with knee deep water  on the other side.  We saw a pretty lady.  We must have interupted her bath cause she had no clothing on.  The others kept walking into her bath  so i decided to follow.  Cousin walked up to her when I saw sum bones in the water.  I walked over to the bones to look at them.  I picked them up and showed them to cousin.  but he had no time to see what i had found since he was talking to the pretty lady.  I waited and waited (but kept sneaking peaks at the pretty lady). finally cousin and the lady walked over to a rock where she gave cousin some armor and a bow.  We left the pretty lady there.  

	Thor  (short , bearded one) slips on wet stone as we climb up ramp.  He is very lucky for he is caught in spider webs.  We sit around hole wondering how we can help friend out of hole.  I sad we can no use rope that help us clumb up to pool to help Thor (short , bearded one) .  Pointy eared on looks at me funny and goes back down ramp.  Later he comes back with rope.  he is very smart.  Wonder where he find rope? 

	We came a big stone work bench.  Cousin and Thor (short , bearded one) decided to look at the bench.  Me and the pointy eared one kept on going. we walked around a passage when we heard voices from behind a wall.  The pointy eared one charged the wall then he hit it with his glaive and it dissappeared.  I wonder how he did that?

	Pointy earned one then fell to the floor.  I ran to catch up with him and see a room filled with goblins.  I jumped down this sould be fun!   Then we attack the goblins.  Stupid Goblins stay to fight us.  Soon cousin and Thor (short , bearded one) came to help us kill Goblins (yeah!).   Soon i get a little angy the goblins have hurt me lots. once i am angy i Before we no it we killed but three of the goblins.   Those three ran into the mouth of a montroously huge dragon pretending to be asleep in the back of the cave.  Who but a foolish gobin would run into the mouth of a Dragon?


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## incognito (Mar 13, 2003)

*We want Shinobi!  We want shinobi!*

not that treefrog isn;t amusing, but I prefer the stylings of an egocentric, sociopathic..NINJA.


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## Forrester (Mar 18, 2003)

TPK.

TPK. 

TPK. 

That's not "TPK" repeated three times for effect. That's the term "TPK" being used three times in succession. 

I imagine that one of us will drum up a session report eventually. As soon as we stop weeping.


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## Morrow (Mar 18, 2003)

Hopefully, we'll see a writeup of last night's session soon.  My players were complaining that we had gone two whole sessions with out any character deaths, and I have to admit I overcompensated just a little.  I killed them all.  Then I did it again.  And then, just for good measure, I did it a third time.

I think everyone had fun, in a bemused, "How did we get into this mess?" fashion, but I'll have to tone down the lethality a little next session.  It was entertaining once, but a second time would get old.

Morrow


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## Forrester (Mar 18, 2003)

Morrow said:
			
		

> *
> I think everyone had fun, in a bemused, "How did we get into this mess?" fashion . . . *




You just keep telling yourself that, if it'll make you feel better .


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## jeffwik (Mar 18, 2003)

Well, I *had* planned on writing up Thror's litany of complaints against Shinobi Killfist, explaining to his god just why Shinobi deserved to be smote, but then Thror got his throat ripped out by a wolf and his body melted into a pile of goo.  But on the plus side, Shinobi was mind-controlled by the evil chicken, so it's all good.

After the first TPK, a new band of adventurers were sent up north: Geese Fly South In Winter, a human killing machine, Aeieielieilo, elven archer, and Throgdigar the half-orc cleric (not to be confused with Throgdizar the half-orc barbarian).

Geese Fly South In Winter was raised by a secretive group of monks in a far-distant hidden cloister someplace sunny.  There he was taught the first four of the thirteen combat styles in the Zodiac of Perfect Martial Wisdom.

The Zodiac of Perfect Martial Wisdom:
Geese in Winter Style (Plucking off the target from a great distance with a composite longbow and the Far Shot feat)
Suicidal Bee-Swarm Style (Advancing towards the enemy, still with a bow, making the most of Rapid Shot)
Angered She-Bear Style (Using a Large weapon with a good crit multiplier [Geese Fly South In Winter used a scythe] and maxing out Power Attack)
Wise Oxen Style (Charging.  It's definitely the easiest style to learn.)
Coiling Serpent Style (the Spiked Chain/Combat Reflexes/Stand Still combo, requires a level of Psychic Warrior)
Crushing Jaws of the Shark Style (aka Improved Bull Rushing 'em off a cliff)
Two-Fisted Monkey Style (Ambi and Twoweapon), Hunting Ambush Spider Style (Spring Attack with a reach weapon), Harrying Rabbit Style (Shot on the Run), Paralyzing Venomous Angelfish Style (Stunning Fist), Cunning Coyote Style (Improved Disarm), Overweening Elephant Style (Trample), and Drunken Tiger Style (Great Cleave).

After my new psion dies, I'll make a fighter/psychic warrior who has also dedicated himself to the Zodiac of Perfect Martial Wisdom.

Why is that? you ask.  I'll tell you why.  It's because Geese Flying South In Winter died five combat rounds into his career!  I never got a chance to expound on how much I like swords!  And bows!  And spiked chains!  I only talked about sword-chucks for like three minutes!

And man, Geese Flying South In Winter was a kickass character.  Str 18, Dex 18, Wis 5...

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Poor Geese Flying South In Winter and his two boon companions were sent by the Duke's man, Nicodemus, to investigate rumors of a frog-monster attacking Mountain Meets Stream Near Forest.  En route they saw some bandits attacking a fortified farm.

Actually, Geese Flying South In Winter believed that the bandits were farmers attacking their own farm, and wondered why, if they wanted to set fire to their outbuildings, they were doing it by shooting flaming arrows over the earthworks wall instead of going inside and using torches.  But hey, Geese Flying South In Winter wasn't a farmer, so maybe there's some secret farmer lore with which he was unfamiliar.

To make a long story short, Geese Flying South In Winter and his boon companions were killed by the bandits, who outnumbered the would-be heroes four to one and had elementals.  It was an ignominious death, as the bandit-farmers were using really horrible tactics, too.  Geese Flying South In Winter shouted some advice at them, and they didn't take it, and they still killed everyone.  Bunch of TPKing jerks.

It turned out (our third set of characters learned from Nicodemus, the Duke's man) that the bandits were affiliated with the racist anti-half-orc wing of some local church, which is why they were raiding Mountain Meets Stream Near Forest.  Meh, said our third set of characters (Kid Presentable, ex-gladiator; Stumpy, dwarven transmuter; and Featherkill, archer), and went off to fight the frog-demon.

Long story short:  the frog demon handed us our asses, despite our remarkable teamwork and surprisingly effective tactics (ie, disarming him with Kid Presentable's whip dagger, then plunking him full of arrows when he came out to pick his trident up again).  It was sad, but three second-level guys just couldn't defeat a CR5 monster.  We did get him down to one hit point, losing only Stumpy, but then Kid Presentable's dice turned against him.
It was a shame, too, as the third group was really starting to gel (we worked together to ransack a deserted inn and interrogate a frightened mother of two en route to the temple where the frog demon was hanging out) when we all died.


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## Morrow (Mar 18, 2003)

Forrester said:
			
		

> *
> 
> You just keep telling yourself that, if it'll make you feel better . *




Well, I had fun in a, "Don't think I can kill characters do you?  Well take that, and that, and that!" kind of way, and that's really all that matters, isn't it?

Morrow


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## Morrow (Mar 18, 2003)

*The Rest of the Story*

Incidentally, it wasn't quite as bad as all that.  Thuror did die at the hands (er, teeth and psionics) of his foes, but Throgdizar lives on as an evil mind controlled psionic lackey.  Shinobi Killfist fell victim to his own rash behavior, trying to take out all the remaining goblins himself, but he too survives as an evil mind controlled psionic lackey.

Aeiaeiaeiaeiaei, the elven archer, was pulped, as much by lousy tactics as by his opponents.  Throgdidgar Thickskin, the half orc cleric would have survived had he not had the poor judgement to fall unconcious where the half-orc hating bandit/ cultists could get to him.  Geese Fly South in Winter actually did survive the battle and will soon wake up in a fortified bandit camp.

Featherkill, Kid Presentable, and Stumpy were doing very well against the frog/ demon thing until they followed it into the church filled with _obscuring mist_.  They said on a number of occasions that they could just wait it out, but it was far more fun to charge in and fight the unholy spawn of the lower planes on his own terms, even once they figured out he had Blind-Fighting and they didn't.


Okay, now that I think about it, it was as bad as all that, but y'all deserve to share some of the credit.  We'll all be back next week when Gwaedorgwehu (or however you spell it) returns to avenge his fallen companions.

Morrow


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## jeffwik (Mar 18, 2003)

Hello, and welcome back.  It's a fine, sunny day here in Mountain Meets Stream Near Forest, I'm the Seer Hawkwind, and with me as always is former three-time middleweight champion of the Dwarrowdelver Clan Weaponsmithing Company Invitational Gladiatorial Challenge, Erk Stronginthearm.  Erk?

_Great to be here, Hawkwind.  I have to say first of all, couldn't ask for a nicer day, am I right?  Weather like this, the orcs wouldn't have stood a chance in the Battle of Green._

You know it, Erk.  Now, today we'll be bringing you live coverage of a three-on-one bout, something a little unusual, but first, today's sponsor is Never-Say-Die Healing Potions.  Never-Say-Die: now available in six-packs!

As I'm sure you know, Erk, Kid Presentable is out on the field today, and he's graciously agreed to outfit his signature whip dagger with our own Whip-Cam.

_Kid Presentable, class act all the way.  Who's joining him on the field today?_

According to the program, a couple of unknowns are here tonight, hoping to make their big break.  Let's take a look at the numbers.

(Graphic showing Kid Presentable, Stumpy, and Featherkill's character sheets)

First up is, I'm told, a dwarf transmuter by the name of Stumpy.

_Is that an epithet, Hawkwind?_

Either that or he was the runt of the litter.  Now, Stumpy's STR is only 9, so we won't be seeing him in melee combat.

_We hope, anyway!_

Right you are, Erk.  As a transmuter, however, Stumpy has access to a variety of useful spells.  I'm sure we'll be seeing him bust out Shield and Burning Hands.

_Burning Hands is a Transmutation spell, Hawkwind?  Sounds more like Evocation to me!_

Well, it does transmute the caster's hands into hands that emit fire, so...

_Heck, why not make Summon Monster a transmutation, then?  It transmutes an empty space to a space containing a monster!_

We're not here to debate arcane magic theory, Erk.  Stumpy brings an impressive 18 CON to the field, giving him a remarkable sixteen hit points.

_Is that including Toughness?_

Not according to these figures, no.  That does come at a price, however: his INT is a mere 14.

_Ouch!  That's got to affect his spell DCs!_

Very true, very true, Erk.  May be why he's fitted out with studded leather armor and a heavy crossbow.

_A heavy crossbow?  Pretty low rate of fire on that puppy._

Something to keep an eye on, definitely.  Next up is Featherkill.

_With a name like that, he must be an archer._

You bet, Erk.  Looks like his standard tactic is point-blank, rapid shots from his mighty bow.

_A classic tactic._

And finally of course there's the fan favorite, Kid Presentable.  He's bringing his trademark masterwork mighty strength (+3) whip dagger to the fight, along with a scythe.  Erk?

_A scythe, yes, interesting choice.  You know Hawkwind, the Kid is pretty deadly with that whip dagger (+8, d6+3), but circumstances may force him into straight melee combat, not an area where the whip dagger excels.  With that x4 crit, we may be seeing the Kid deal some serious damage._

Hold that thought, Erk, I'm getting word the combatants are moving towards the temple.

_The frog-demon-infested temple?_

That's the one.  Interesting side note, this temple was consecrated to the god of war, the same god the late Throgdigar Thickskin worshipped.

_Shame about Gar.  He was from Mountain Meets Stream Near Forest, am I right?_

Yes, I'm sure seeing it sacked was a great personal discomfort to him.  

We'll be back with round-by-round action, after these messages from Never-Say-Die Healing Potions.


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## jeffwik (Mar 18, 2003)

And we're back!  Any thoughts, Erk?

_Not yet, no._

Fair enough.  Now, we have cameras distributed around the temple, but none actually inside.  We also don't know precisely what this frog-demon the team's been sent to kill is.  This is where the planning pays off.

_Right._

And there are the adventurers, coming around the corner.  That's the Kid in front, Stumpy behind, and... I don't see Featherkill.  Is he a rogue?

_Not according to his character sheet, Hawkwind.  Check camera three._

Ah, yes, yes, there he is, there he is, up on the roof of the one-story building across the street from the temple.

_That's a fine vantage point -- it's exactly thirty feet away from the base of the temple steps.  If the others can lure the frog-demon to within range, I predict some serious perforation._

It's exactly thirty feet, Erk?  How can you tell?

_Trig._

Hmm.  Well, I see Stumpy is taking the opportunity to cast some prepratory spells before the match begins.  Looks like Magic Weapon on both Featherkill's bow and the Kid's whip dagger.

_How's the dwarf reaching that bow... oh, I see._

Quite a sight, quite a sight, seeing a dwarf hop like that.  Now they're moving into position: Stumpy with half-cover partially around the corner of the temple, the Kid on the steps, and Featherkill covering the Kid.

_Thing about this temple is the lack of windows.  Only light in is through some narrow arrow-slit type jobs, halfway up.  That's a good fifteen feet of clearance._

Not sure what you mean, Erk... hey, that's the first shot of the match.  Featherkill just sent an arrow straight through one of those narrow windows, into the temple.  I wonder why.  Erk?

_I have no idea.  Why are you asking me, you're the seer!_

Thanks for that insight.  The Kid is opening the double-doors to the temple now.  Light's shining in, and we're switching to the Whip-Cam.  What are we seeing, Erk?

_Well, the temple is structurally intact, I see.  There's the holy symbol of the god of war... and ouch!_

Yes, that would be one of the lynched half-orcs, right there in the temple.  Hanging from a rafter.

_Terrible, terrible thing.  Now, the temple floor is just covered in pews, maybe good for partial cover later in the fight._

Something to keep an eye on, eh, Erk?

_Shut up, Hawkwind.  In the corners there piles of animal and human and orc and half-orc corpses... looks like the frog-demon's been eating well._

Seems the Kid is bending over, now... what's he got planned?

_Not sure... ooh, there it is.  There it is.  The camera just panned past the frog-demon.  Can we tighten that shot up?_

Ooh, that's one ugly monster.  Looks to be a monstrous humanoid, do you think?

_Definitely a biped, Medium-sized... I can see where that "frog" epithet comes from.  It seems to be sleeping, curled up in the corner._

I don't like the look of those wings, let me tell you.  Ah, and now we see why the Kid bent over.  It was to pick up that rock, the rock he's just thrown at the demon, ladies and gentlemen, and now the demon is roused, he's groggy but moving.

_It's a shame the Whip-Cam isn't equipped with a mike.  I'm sure the Kid is laying on some of his trademark trash-talking right now, trying to draw the demon out._

And it seems to be working... the demon is up, he seems to be reaching for a trident of some kind, and the Kid is moving back to the door!  Let's cut back to the exterior cameras.

Okay, you can see the Kid standing just outside the temple and, yes, there's the demon coming right at him.  And oh!  Oh!

_Beautiful shot!_

Amazing, simply amazing.  Kid Presentable has disarmed the demon!

_That is the Kid's specialty!_

The trident is on the ground, over the Kid's shoulder, outside the temple.  And outside the demon's grasp.

_And here come the arrows!_

That's right, as Froggy moves out of the temple he moves into Featherkill's killing radius.  Ouch!

_Froggy'll be feeling that one tomorrow!  And that one, too!_

Stumpy's fired off his crossbow, looks like it's gone wide, though... and now Froggy's going for the Kid.

_How wide *are* those jaws?_

I'm thinking three feet, easily.  The Kid felt that, that's for sure.  And now Froggy's moving towards the trident!

_If Froggy lays into the Kid with the trident, I have to say it'll all be over for him right there._

He may not get the chance... here comes another round of arrows!  And looks like a Burning Hands from Stumpy.

_Ouch!  Froggy didn't like those arrows.  The spell looked kinda puny, though, I must say.  He's got the trident now, though!_

Ooh, that's a shame, the Kid seems to be having some trouble with his whip dagger.  Could be the Whip Cam is adding more weight to the end.

_Could be, could be.  This could be trouble... oh, wait!_

Stumpy has moved up and, yes, there it is, Stumpy just hit Froggy with a Color Spray, stunning him and forcing him to drop his weapon!

_A real tour de force from Stumpy.  Now, can they press the advantage?_

It's not looking good, Erk.  Featherkill's missing and the Kid is still sorting out his whip dagger... now, now, what's that Froggy's trying?

_Looks to me like a breath weapon.  That's not going be fun._

Spread out like the team is, Froggy's only going to be able to target one of them... and *ouch* it was Kid Presentable.

_The Kid is down but it looks like he's not out, Hawkwind.  That gob of acid would put the hurt on anyone's parade._

The team is disoriented by the Kid's dropping and Froggy's pressed the advantage.  He's moved back into the temple, clearly wounded from those arrows sticking out of him and, yes, that's an Obscuring Mist he's generated.  The interior of the temple is now completely filled with fog.

_At least the trident is still outside.  What about the Kid?_

It looks like, yes, Featherkill and Stumpy are pouring healing potions down his throat.

_Never-Say-Die brand healing potions?_

I can't say from this distance but let's hope so.  Ah, ah, the Kid is up and the team is in a huddle.  Time for another commercial break.


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## jeffwik (Mar 18, 2003)

And we're back.  Erk?

_Yes?_

Thoughts?

_Oh, right.  Now, the smart thing to do here is wait out that Mist.  With fog that dense, you're looking at full concealment past five feet, and half-concealment closer in.  Without Blind-Fighting, it's a tough situation.  But Obscuring Mist is only a first-level spell, duration only a minute or three._

What about the Magic Weapon effects?  Its duration is only a minute!

_I'd give them up for lost; it's just not tactically sound to move into that fog._

Sound advice, sound advice.  But lucky for us it looks like the team isn't going to take it -- they're going in!

_What?  Bunch of half-wits!_

Switching to the Whip-Cam, and ooh is that fog thick!  I can't see a thing.  Erk?

_They're doomed.  They're all going to die.  Should have waited out that fog._

What are we seeing, Erk?

_I'll tell you what we're seeing, we're seeing a bunch of amateurs getting themselves killed, is what we're seeing!_

Right.  So it looks like Stumpy and the Kid are moving through the temple, trying to beat out Froggy, while Featherkill covers the door.

Oh, oh, they must have heard something, they're moving off to -- uh, somewhere in the temple... and yes, there it is.  And *there* is the whip dagger taking a chunk out of Froggy's midsection.  Nice shot, eh Erk?

_Doomed, doomed, doomed..._

Hoo, looks like Stumpy is letting loose with... are those Rays of Frost?

_Like it matters._

You are one lousy color commentator, you know that Erk?  But this isn't the time or the place.  Featherkill's arrows are going wide... that concealment is seriously putting a cramp on the team's damage dealing capabilities.

Stumpy seems to be out of Rays of Frost now, he's, yes, he's firing the crossbow again, this time from only five feet away.

_Gonna die._

Maybe not... looks like that Shield is making the difference, as Froggy tries and fails to bite Stumpy's head off.  They may come out of this yet... Featherkill steps up, looks like he's traded in his bow for a longsword... ooh!

_Here it comes!_

Maybe, maybe... Froggy has just laid some kind of whammy on Kid Presentable, Cause Fear or Scare or something similar, and the Kid is bolting!  He's dropped the whip and is moving away!

_Where's he going?_

Wish I knew... can't see through the fog, but he's not coming out of the temple, as you can see... cutting back to the Whip-Cam, and...

_I told you._

Featherkill is down!  Featherkill is on the ground, covered in viscous acid, looks like Froggy bit him a few times as well.  It is not looking good for the team.

_Is he dead, Hawkwind?_

No, no, Featherkill has stabilized, I'm told.  Featherkill has stabilized.  And now, as we pan the Whip Cam over, you can see a truly bizarre spectacle.

_I've never seen anything like this before._

Stumpy is reloading, firing, reloading, firing that crossbow, relying on the Shield to keep him alive.  It seems to be working too.  The arrows sticking out of Froggy have been joined by several bolts.  The team may be able to...

_Whoops._

Well, that's why Stumpy went into this fight with sixteen hit points.

_He doesn't have sixteen hit points now, let me tell you._

He's still at it with that crossbow... a nice shot, a nice shot, Froggy is reeling!

_By my calculations Froggy is down to one hit point, Hawkwind.  One more shot like that could end this match right here, if..._

Oh, that's a shame.  That's a shame.  You really have to feel for Stumpy, there.  He's just had his head bitten off.

_Yeah, he's got to be feeling the disappointment.  Or he would if he wasn't dead._

Well, that looks like the end of... wait!  Here comes the Kid!  The spell effects must have worn off!  He's got the scythe out and...

_Whoops!_

And there goes the Kid.  

_That head-bite-off manuever is a killer.  Disappointing all around._

Still, these things happen.  Now, stay tuned, because after the break we'll take you to another bout already in progess: a xvart, two goblins, an orc and a dark creeper against...

_Against what?_

I'm not sure.  An Evil Genius, it says here...


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## Shard O'Glase (Mar 18, 2003)

Shinobi Killfist dead????  I don't think I'll ever be the same again.


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## Forrester (Mar 19, 2003)

Shard O'Glase said:
			
		

> *Shinobi Killfist dead????  I don't think I'll ever be the same again. *




Yeah, this campaign clearly wasn't Shinobi friendly. Although in Shinobi's defense, he's not dead. He stabilized at -9 (and he was at -8 when he went down, right AFTER he made a tumble check of 25, CHARGED THROUGH a hostile opponent, and CRITTED the main big bad for 20pts of damage) and is now a mind-controlled lackey. Just waiting for someone with a Break Enchantment and then a Heal spell . . . 

What kind of sucked was that Shinobi got away from the TPK, but was trapped inside the mountain. For four days he looked for a way out, but couldn't find one (though I suppose he could have tried to ride the waterfall down). Little to do but charge blindly into battle after that, or starve to death. Or wait for help, but while it might have happened from a meta-game point of view, no reason Shinobi should see it coming.


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## Gez (Mar 19, 2003)

Morrow said:
			
		

> *Well, I had fun in a, "Don't think I can kill characters do you?  Well take that, and that, and that!" kind of way, and that's really all that matters, isn't it?*




An important lesson, friends. Never, even when you're drunk, complain that your DM is not killing enough characters. Especially when the campaign don't really requires your character to survive.

3 TPK in one session, great work ! I doubt I'll ever equal that.


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## Morrow (Apr 8, 2003)

Any of the players want to take a stab at the events of the last two sessions?

The best part?

Maybe it was the psion, who turned his skin blue, shone beams of light from his eyes, stripped off all his clothes, and ran around Bellhold screaming.  All in order to distract and confuse hundreds of mind controlled villagers.

Or maybe the scout, who found an even better way to cause a distraction - burn half of Bellhold to the ground.

Or perhaps it was sending the fighter/ aristocrat by himself to destroy the evil mind controlling crystal.  

Morrow


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## Forrester (Apr 8, 2003)

*Clearly, the best part is that*

*SHINOBI IS ALIVE!!!*


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## Dispater (Apr 9, 2003)

wohooo!


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## treefrog (Apr 11, 2003)

I, Bold Sir Cedrik, rode forth with three lackeys, a half-breed a warrior of "good" (clearly good and evil are archaic peasant concepts), stubby a halfling of low moral character and a powerful but clearly insane mystical warrior.  
We were commanded by their liege, well actually his proxy (an inn keeper), to find what mischief the residents of bell hold had gotten into.  The half-breed reported some wild tale of a dead dragon and goblins, clearly he was not made of the stuff to be a knight.  But it came out finally that the peasant were working for the goblins.  They were, for some reason, doing the bidding of goblins.  Our clearest course of action, killing the townsfolk who had aligned themselves with the goblins and then hunting down all the goblins was decided against.  I knew our kind hearts would come back to haunt us but still I could not convince myself to kill the whole village.   More to the point I was worried that my lackeys would not have the will to do what was needed, and killing the whole village on my own would be very time consuming.  
So we rode till we tired then stopped off at a local farm.  The locals were away (probably too lazy to keep at work).  So, assuming they would have opened their home to us if they were there, we took up residence in their house.  The peasants had thoughtfully left stew simmering for us to enjoy.   We set watches and the halfling decided to take a look at the town.  I suspect he wanted to see if there were any valuables left unattended, but I saw no harm in letting him roam.  
In the middle of the night a bear attacked our building.  Luckily our insane mystic was able to engage It in a staring contest.  A strange but effective tactic the bear was frozen in his tracks.  We then easily managed to arm ourselves and kill the bear.   Later the halfling returned with a tale that the townsfolk were loading a wagon with valuables.  We decided to track the wagon to it’s destination.
We followed the wagon till it unloaded it’s loot into a mine shaft.  Stupid peasants, they put gold into a mine.  Once they were done we silenced them in a quick skirmish.  Since they were just peasants we merely administer a sound thrashing to them and did not kill them (Although one might have died beneath the hooves of my mighty stallion).    
We eventually found the peasants offerings.  I took a sack of about 200 gold.  Clearly the peasants did not need the gold if they abandoned their farms and offered it to goblins and a dead dragon.   
We then proceeded through the mine till we came upon 2 human warriors, some Goblins and a dead dragon carcass.


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## Morrow (Apr 15, 2003)

*More!  More!  More!*

Good show.  Keep up the good work.

Coming Soon (I hope)


Kicking Some Goblin Butt
Amateur Surgery
Ego Whip?!
Never Split the Party 1 (or, Ambush!)
The Burning of Bellhold
Never Split the Party 2 (or, Griffons Have Pounce?!)
Never Split the Party 3 (or, But I got a 40 Spot!)
Party Conflict (or, Meet Duh, the Retarded Gnome Farmer)


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## Gez (Apr 15, 2003)

*Re: More!  More!  More!*



			
				Morrow said:
			
		

> *
> Party Conflict (or, Meet Duh, the Retarded Gnome Farmer)
> *




That one was especially for Forrester, wasn't it ?

I hope Duh got the love he deserved, too.


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## Forrester (Apr 15, 2003)

*Re: Re: More!  More!  More!*



			
				Gez said:
			
		

> *
> 
> That one was especially for Forrester, wasn't it ?
> 
> I hope Duh got the love he deserved, too. *




You misunderstand, Gez. That's my new character! Commoner6, baby!


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## Morrow (Apr 15, 2003)

*Re: Re: More!  More!  More!*



			
				Gez said:
			
		

> *
> 
> That one was especially for Forrester, wasn't it ?
> 
> I hope Duh got the love he deserved, too. *




You're going to love Duh, he's the man.  He's a surly, clearly unhinged former farmer who weilds a mean sickle.  

Duh's stats were generated with 3d6, rolled six times, and he still ended up with a 20 Con.  He put all of his skill points into profession (farming).

Morrow


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## Gez (Apr 15, 2003)

*Re: Re: Re: More!  More!  More!*



			
				Forrester said:
			
		

> *You misunderstand, Gez. That's my new character! Commoner6, baby! *




I didn't dared to hope that, although the thought disturbed my poor mind.

I think Duh will fare at least as well as Shinobi. He seems to have real potential, there.


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## Forrester (Apr 15, 2003)

*Re: Re: Re: Re: More!  More!  More!*



			
				Gez said:
			
		

> *
> 
> I didn't dared to hope that, although the thought disturbed my poor mind.
> 
> I think Duh will fare at least as well as Shinobi. He seems to have real potential, there. *




I dunno. Ever since he tripped over his shovel and landed face-first into that giant pile of manure (in which his face lay submerged for over five minutes -- talk about your lack of oxygen to the brain), Duh just hasn't been the same. 

But look at these stats! And these were 3d6, baby. No rerolls. 

18-15-13-13-10-6. I usually don't get stats that good with 4d6. Oh yeah. Duh, with his Skill Focus: Farming and Toughness (x2) feats, is ready to rock. 

(Heh. Maybe I should have tried to use the Survivor prestige class instead.)


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## jeffwik (Apr 22, 2003)

Memo IK2NE1/8
To: Isinwyll, Assistant to His Honor the Duke Morgan
From: Kale, Imperial Agent
Re: Second Northlands Expedition, Days 1 – 8

As related in memo IK1NE4/14, previous group met with untimely end at hands of rebel/bandit forces after (presumed) betrayal by Goody Klemper (1).  Wish to reiterate own suggestion, overlooked by the now-dead sentimentalists, to execute Goody Klemper for crimes against the Empire, rather than “rescue” her.

Upon death of rest of team, made way back to Cauldron (archaic: “Kalderon”), wherein residence of the Imperial agent Nicodemus (2).  After three days recuperation leave, met Nicodemus in his inn (3), introduced to other two members of new group.

Throgdizurg, barbarian, and Amid, clerical primitive.  Hold both in low esteem: Throgdizurg overly violent, displays lack of concern for maximal efficiency.  Amid worst kind of superstitionist – spouting empty platitudes unprovoked and again, showing no though to the greater, Imperial, picture.

Briefed on most recent developments w/r/t Bellhold situation.  Instigator revealed to be psionically-active rock, inanimate and powerful, clearly superior to our weak flesh.  Previous agents squandered precious Imperial resources, burned down most of Bellhold in attempt to draw out foe.  Thousands of gold pieces worth of property damage.  Previous agents all dead or fallen to mind-control, save single priest, who made report and then retired from active service.  Rumor of goblins carrying blue mind-stone north to Cauldron.

Nicodemus revealed then that goblin bodies had been found recently not far from Cauldron’s southern gate.  No investigation had been performed, as it had not been deemed significant, but in light of current events full Imperial investigation warranted.

Immediately proposed exhuming goblin corpses, using necromantic techniques to determine cause of death and connection with mind-stone.  Nicodemus, however, questioned the ability of Throgdizurg and Amid to function in an urban environment.  Instead assigned us task of liberating village in Empire’s name.  Said village birthplace of Throgdizurg (4), unpronounceable local name.  Village said to be terrorized by frog-monster.  Previous putative rescuers, led by noted gladiator Kid Presentable, fell in combat.  Frog-monster allegedly moved from temple in center of village to tower on outskirts.

Questioned wisdom of possibly squandering limited Imperial resources by sending another small team to accomplish what one small team could not.  Requested Nicodemus provide further assistance: men-at-arms, a sorcerer, anything.  Nicodemus gave Amid three scrolls of _protection from evi_l and a scroll of _sending_ with which to contact Nicodemus for further instructions once the monster had been defeated.

Informed of primitive cult possibly active in area: several (4-5?) priests killed or found dead by Imperial agents, bearing blank holy symbols.  Was informed of local backwards cult, worship of “god of secrets.”  Cult tired, old, fallen into disfavor.  Single major shrine/archives site remains.  Have been told to continue on past unpronounceable local village to this shrine, once monster defeated.  Goal: show blank holy symbols to librarian/sages at shrine, in hopes secret may be revealed.

Given provisions and horses, traveled to village.  Three-day trip uneventful, evidence that increased Imperial activity in region is having positive effect.  Arrived in village in early afternoon.  Village appeared deserted.  Some looting had taken place.  Captured a local seamstress, who confirmed:  One, current team not the first or even second to attempt to liberate village in name of the Empire.  Two, most in town scattered and/or deceased.  Three, frog-monster believed to have moved from the temple in the center of the town to the wizard Dretch’s tower on outskirts.  Everything Nicodemus had said, then, confirmed.  After a cursory examination of the temple, went to tower.  Tower was at one time a three-story structure, but partially demolished by unknown action.  Remains little more than a shell, with only the ground floor partially intact.  Ground floor consisted of kitchen, pantry, and stairs down into basement complex.

Based on previous reports via Nicodemus and Imperial Intelligence, believed frog-monster’s primary attack modes to be acid breath and melee with a trident carried by the beast.  Amid used magic to protect the three of us from acid.  Tapped _animal affinity_ tattoo to boost strength, _skate_ tattoo to boost speed, and _invisibility_ tattoo for stealth.  Light provided by Amid.

Plan: down into complex, find frog-monster, snatch trident from monster, rush back to ground level, allowing Throgdizurg to smash monster with assistance from Amid.  Scouted out complex, found frog-monster in storage room behind underground lab.  Successfully disarmed monster, ran back to team.  Throgdizurg made short work of the disarmed monster when monster attempted pursuit.  Excellent display of teamwork.  Hail the Empire!

While Amid took care destroying the frog-monster’s remains, searched the remainder of complex.  Determined based on circumstantial, material, and written evidence (5), the following:
	1. Dretch summoned the frog-monster (a devil, in the technical parlance) but it was too much for Dretch, and escaped summoning circle, proving once again that magic is a dated and outmoded means of manipulating reality, while psi is the wave of the future.
	2. Dretch’s goal in this summoning was to send the devil against a personal enemy of Dretch’s: Robert the Bald, another local wizard.
	3. The impetus for this rash deed was Dretch’s imp familiar, now departed with several missing items from among Dretch’s stores.
	4. There was no reason to believe any additional devils were present, nor that any would be arriving as a result of these actions.  Therefore the mission was completed, in the name of the Emperor.

Several items of unknown worth were identified by Amid as magical, including a psionic bastard sword that written evidence revealed to be a recent acquisition of Dretch’s, and unknown in value.  Claimed the hell-forged trident of the devil as own, despite Amid’s claims the trident detects as evil.  Foolish superstition: trident will be used in service of Empire, ergo not evil.

Returned to village at dusk, and congratulated surviving inhabitants on luck at having Empire around to protect them.  Amid contacted Nicodemus and informed Nicodemus of group’s success.  In morning set out for backwoods shrine of secrets.  Multiple-day trip along semi-Imperial road.  Night of first day, attacked by small band of pulpy humaniform plants of unknown origin.  Throgdizurg easily dispatched humaniforms, however.  Second day uneventful.

Third day, passing roadside shrine to primitive nature-god not worshipped in more civilized sections of Empire, heard scuffling from within.  Despite own warnings against antagonizing backwoods primitives, Throgdizurg and Amid insisted on investigating.  Upon entering open-air shrine, immediately attacked by two wild animals.  Eerie keening filled air.  Magical sonic attack stunned self while Throgdizurg and Amid dispatched dire weasel attackers.  Amid conjured sonic protection, but evil spellcaster appeared.  Evil spellcaster seemingly unhindered by sonic protection, possibly due to range, and _holds_ Throgdizurg.  Self charged spellcaster, bowled spellcaster over using spiked shield, but mental defenses soon overpowered by fell magics, and forced to flee.

While self fleeing, Amid and Throgdizurg report, Amid attacked by a second combatant, a fighter.  Evil spellcaster moved to support fighter, but Amid’s defensive spellcasting and protections able to withstand fighter’s blows, despite fighter’s natural advantages (6).  Throdizurg soon enough shrugged off effects of _holding_, attacked fighter, defeated him handily.  Spellcaster _retreated_ into woods, where self has recovered control of body.  Slam-tackled spellcaster, goring spellcaster with armor spikes, and (assisted by Throgdizurg, who chased the spellcaster) incapacitated the foe.  Hail the Empire!

Currently the team is recuperating from the assault.  Will send further updates as events warrant; now quite close to primitives’ shrine-of-secrets.

Loyal servant of the Empire,
K.



(1)	Dowda “Goody” Klemper, peasant farmwife, wife of Erdo Klemper (deceased), mother of Jeorj, Talla, and Izzy Klemper (all deceased), grandmother of Vin, Lud, Ned, Kerr, Tabba, Polk, Su, Eb, and Timulty (all deceased).  Old, if not venerable.
Rescued from rebel/bandit camp on day 12 of first expedition, released.  Ambush occurred next day, clear indicator of good intelligence – rebel/bandits knew where were.  Obviously betrayed by Goody Klemper.
(2)	Have revised opinion of Nicodemus.  Still a lazy boor, but undeniably well-connected in the area and familiar with current events.  The high turnover rate among his agents not due to man’s incompetence, as previously assumed, but to superstition and sentimentalist inefficiency rampant among agents.
(3)	While recuperating was harassed by peasant: farmer named Duh.  Was able to drive him off without resorting to violence.
(4)	Questioned Throgdizurg’s capacity to remain neutral and dispassionate in face of local, personal connection.  Throgdizurg did not appear to understand concern.  Let it pass.
(5)	Dretch’s journal found among other books scattered in disused laboratory, corpse in summoning chamber.
(6)	Fighter a member of the race of Imperial citizens known by the pejorative “ogres” and thus possessed of massive strength and great reach.


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## Morrow (Apr 22, 2003)

Kale is my hero.

*The DM cackles with glee, then begins humming the imperial march.*

Morrow


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## jeffwik (Apr 23, 2003)

*Can I level, then?*

Yeah, "Lord Vader the psychic warrior" is a surprisingly playable character concept.  I'll be unhappy when he dies.

Can we arrange it so he loses an arm first, and then falls down an infinitely deep hole?


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## Morrow (Apr 23, 2003)

I'll see what I can do.  I wonder, does Kale have any children?

"Don't be too proud of this magical terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a campaign is insignificant next to the power of Psionics. "

Morrow


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## Gez (Apr 28, 2003)

Bump.


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## jeffwik (Apr 29, 2003)

Gez said:
			
		

> *Bump. *




Didn't play this week.


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## trentonjoe (Mar 6, 2004)

I miss these guys.


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## Morrow (Mar 6, 2004)

So do I.  Unfortunately the campaign came to a sudden end when one player and the DM (that would be me) moved away.  Don't feel too bad for them though, during the last session Shinobi Killfist, Kale, and company returned to Bellhold several years after their previous adventures.  By this time the Dragonstone had gained psionic control of most of the Duchy and grown an astral-construct style dragon body for itself.  Our heroes destroyed the stone in an aerial battle over Steeple Mountain, freeing the good people of the duchy from the tyrannical rulership of the dragonstone and opening the door to returning their government to the tyrannical rulership of the Emperor.  Best of all, from Kale's perspective, he had a rousing argument with the Duke, which ended definitively with said rebellious noble's innards spilled all over the flagstones.

While the campaign was undeniably host to some notable DM blunders, it was ultimately a lighthearted and enjoyable experience.

Now I’m living in Plymouth, NH.  If you know any gamers in central New Hampshire, let me know.

Morrow


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