# I need some useless Magic Items.



## Oryan77 (Feb 2, 2010)

I'm making a list of magic items for our campaign that are pretty useless. It is a pretty long list and I seem to have used up all of the sources I could find on the internet. I am still about 20 items short of completing this list.

Would people mind throwing out some ideas for magic items that would not really serve any beneficial purpose to a PC? Although the item could be funny, I'm looking for something that would still make sense existing in a traditional D&D game without it being childish. I'm also looking for things that are fairly simple and don't involve a lot of stats. 

Or if you know of a website where people have already done this, that would help too (although I've already browsed a few).

Thanks!


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## Raven Crowking (Feb 2, 2010)

Encyclopedia Magica (2nd Edition) is your friend here.  If you have it, it lists all of the magic items published by TSR to its printing, including all of the April Fools items.  Some of the "useless" items are potentially pretty cool for world building, like a stone ball (presumably for well-to-do folks' gardens) that attracts birds to its vicinity.


RC


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## Oryan77 (Feb 2, 2010)

I do have all 4 of the Encyclopedia Magica books. It's been years since I looked through them. I didn't realize there were April Fools items in them though. I'll have to give them another read through, thanks!


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## Piratecat (Feb 2, 2010)

Ah, the good 'ole ring of Spell Storing. "S.. T.. O..."


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## Wild Gazebo (Feb 2, 2010)

Sorry Double Post


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## Wild Gazebo (Feb 2, 2010)

Slippers of Warmth
Ring of Perfect Manicure
Well of Create Water
Throwrug of Dusting 
Helm of Perfect Teeth
Harness of Pleasant Odor
Hankerchief of Cleanliness
Stamp of Unending Ink
Breadbox of Toasting
Bedpan of Teleportation (definate possible abuse)
Chessboard of Impending Permission
Quill of Grammar
Immovable Hat
Shoes of Perpetual Shinniness
Lute of Tuning
Boots of Gracefull Dancing


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## darjr (Feb 2, 2010)

Ever empty bowl.

Can never pour liquids into it. Whatever you put in it stays dry.


Crunchy crust.

Old bread, ostensibly. But you crunch it up into dust and scatter it around and anytime anyone walks through it they leave a trail. An invisible trail that you can follow. In a pinch, you can eat it.


I'm over here.

It's a little bell on a necklace that only people you choose can hear. Also some can sense when you are unconscious or otherwise silenced and then go off. The bad guys can't hear you but your friends can. And the rare ones will help your friends find your gagged or unconscious body in the dark.


Buried in the leaves.

Its a big tent that can house six. You can even have a fire ring inside and the smoke will disappear. On the outside it looks like a raked together small pile of leaves. To enter you have to take a dive into the pile. It'll keep the weather out and heat in.


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## Blackrat (Feb 2, 2010)

Silver Cutlery that has been HEAVILY enchanted as magic weapons. So you have a set of +5 Spoon, +5 Fork and a +5 Knife that are all silver. Technically they are pretty useless, but each still does an actual 5 damage and work well against lycanthropes.


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## Ed_Laprade (Feb 2, 2010)

Teddy bear golum. Yeah, we ripped it apart before it could attack. Turns out it was created by an MU to protect his child and wouldn't have attacked us if we hadn't done anything to it. (Needless to say, one of the characters was newly married.)


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## Oryan77 (Feb 2, 2010)

Wild Gazebo said:


> Slippers of Warmth
> Ring of Perfect Manicure
> Well of Create Water
> Throwrug of Dusting
> ...




We seem to be on the same page here. I yoinked several of these, and I was already using about half of them. 

Thanks guys, I've jotted down a few that I like...keep them coming please


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## Byrons_Ghost (Feb 2, 2010)

Vaults of Pandius has an article on useless and obnoxious magic items marketed by Bargle the Infamous. I think it might have been a Dragon article at one point:

Bazaar of the Bizarre (Limited collector's editions of the works of Bargle the infamous)


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## Theo R Cwithin (Feb 2, 2010)

weedbane sickle (doesn't harm crops)
earrings of listening
spoon of subtle flavors (for spicing stews, etc)
moss-repellent stone
garden gnome golem
brooch of diplomacy
candles of seduction
cork of freshness - stored liquid never goes bad
+1 mithril letter opener of literacy
cube of sweetness - drop in liquid to sweeten it, but it doesn't dissolve


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## Dannyalcatraz (Feb 2, 2010)

*Figurine of Wondrous Power: Panda*

This is a smoky quartz sculpture of a Panda in a bamboo grove.  When activated, this figure turns into a life sized Panda and grove, and the Panda begins to eat the bamboo.  If attacked or damaged in any way, it reverts to stone form.

However, if it is activated near anyone named Brent, the Panda will ignore the bamboo and instantly attack.

*Figurine of Wondrous Power: Chihuahua*

This is an agate sculpture of a small, short haired dog.  When activated, the figure will bark incessantly until deactivated.  Saying the command word to deactivate the figurine will only work 33% of the time.

*Belt of Endless Levitation*

When this belt's command word is spoken, the belt's wearer begins to rise from the ground.  The levitation does not stop at any altitude- the wearer continues indefinitely until the belt is actually removed and released.


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## Oryan77 (Feb 3, 2010)

I listed a bunch of the items I'm using over in the 3e rules forum. If anyone can help me determine the value of these items, please let me know:
Silly Magic Items


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## megamania (Feb 3, 2010)

Raven Crowking said:


> Encyclopedia Magica (2nd Edition) is your friend here.  If you have it, it lists all of the magic items published by TSR to its printing, including all of the April Fools items.  Some of the "useless" items are potentially pretty cool for world building, like a stone ball (presumably for well-to-do folks' gardens) that attracts birds to its vicinity.
> 
> 
> RC




You read my mind.


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## Deset Gled (Feb 3, 2010)

Some items that would be legitimately usefull in the real world, but are less usefull to a D+D adventurer:

Quall's Feather Token: Pillow
When activated, this feather converts into a normal, soft pillow.  Very usefull for those who want to travel lightly.

Bracer of Holding
When you place an item against this bracer, it is held against the bracer by magic.  One bracer can hold up to 5 lbs of items.  Placing or removing an item from the bracer is a move action.  A successful attack on an item held by the bracer will knock it to the ground.

Tableware of Cleanliness
This complete set of tableware (plate, bowl, cup, saucer, knife, fork, spoon) will make itself spotlessly clean when the command word is spoken.

Hat of Shade
This wide brimmed hat makes it's wearer immune to sunburn.

Chalice of Carefullness
When this chalice is filled with liquid, it cannot be spilled.  All liquid will stay inside the chalice, even if it is turned upside down.  You can still drink from the chalice as you normally would.

Blade of Grooming Safety
This razor sharp blade grants a +5 bonus to attacks against hair or uses of Profession: Barber.  However, the blade is completely incapable of attacking flesh, and will pass directly through it without harm.

Mirror of Reversal
This magic mirror shows images as if it were placed on the exact opposide side of an object than the side it is really on (i.e. looking directly into it gives you a view of the back of your head).

Spectacles of the Index
These glasses are activated by speaking a command word, followed by any other word you are interested in.  From then on, when you see that word written, it will appear to be surrounded by a bright light.  This effect allows you to quickly flip through the pages of a book to find a specific word.

Deck of Shuffling
This deck of playing cards will randomize themselves when a command word is spoken.  Only cards in physical contact with the user speaking the command word are affected.  The deck is otherwise completely normal.


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## megamania (Feb 3, 2010)

Mirror +2,+4 or +6

Look into it and the viewer believes his/her appearance is that much better of a CHA.  No truth behind it however.


We had a cook whom created a +1 cooking utencil.  Gave him a +1 to his cooking skill check.   Some use but very limited.


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## TheAuldGrump (Feb 3, 2010)

Teddy Bear of Quiet Slumber. Willing target activates item by snuggling, sleeps quietly for eight hours. Wakens refreshed and ready to face the new day.

Ring of Invisibility. Ring turns invisible when worn.

Bag of Useless Items. Reach in and pull out an item that is completely useless for whatever you need right then. Item lasts until it might be useful, then vanishes.

Ring of Hair Growth. Say goodbye to premature balding!

Trumpet of Flatulence. Fortunately blowing the horn covers up the sound of escaping gas. Unfortunately it does not mask the smell.

Glove of Waving and Pointing. Glove increases the apparent size of the wielder's hand by three times when he is using it to point something out or to wave hello. Large script on the glove reads 'We're #1!'

Ever Watered Pot. Plants planted within this simple clay pot need not be watered, the pot administering the correct amount of moisture each day.

Sundial of Weather Detection. Turns wet when it is raining, and white when it is snowing - time can be read even on cloudy days.

Ever Moving Bookmark. Placed within a book the bookmark transports to the last page read. A cursed version moves to a random page, even when placed by hand to mark the proper page.

The Auld Grump


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## Oryan77 (Feb 3, 2010)

Raven Crowking said:


> Encyclopedia Magica (2nd Edition) is your friend here.  If you have it, it lists all of the magic items published by TSR to its printing, including all of the April Fools items.  Some of the "useless" items are potentially pretty cool for world building, like a stone ball (presumably for well-to-do folks' gardens) that attracts birds to its vicinity.




Are the April Fools Items sorted in the books in any way so they are easy to locate? I couldn't find anything in the books about April Fools Items.


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## Huw (Feb 3, 2010)

Loofah of perpetual soapiness
Razor of sharpness, -20 versus flesh (actually, that could be useful...)
Clotheshorse of instant drying.

Why yes, I have just had a bath. How did you guess?


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## Raven Crowking (Feb 3, 2010)

Oryan77 said:


> Are the April Fools Items sorted in the books in any way so they are easy to locate? I couldn't find anything in the books about April Fools Items.




Nope....you gotta go through the book to find them.  Which is actually quite fun in and of itself, IMHO.


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## The Hound (Feb 4, 2010)

Are there any Monty Python fans in your group?  Here's some stuff that I remember from a module based on Monty Python and the Holy Grail published somewhere years ago.  Some of these were meant to be written on paper and rolled up in "scrolls" that players could open and read:

And now for something completely different:  The PCs are instantly transported to another totally different adventure.

Coconuts of speed: A coconut cut in half.  By banging the halves together to make a sound like a horse galloping, you could increase your speed by some amount.  But you get a penalty on charisma roles and it is easy for enemies to hear you coming.

Trojan Rabbit:  A large wooden rabbit appears behind the walls of your enemy's lair/castle/whatever.  That's all, just a large, empty wooden rabbit with a trap door, but nobody inside it.

Knights who say "Ni!": When you open the scroll (a prop), you read instructions stating that your PC acquires an extreme adversity to hearing a common word like "it" or "the."  Whenever your PC hears the word, he cringes and covers his ears, yelling "you have spoken the word we are not allowed to hear!"  Of course he can't tell the party what the word is, because to do that he would have to say it.

Brave Sir Robin's Bard: Upon reading a scroll, your own personal bard appears - not the fighting type, just a musician who follows you around constantly and plays songs to accompany your heroic exploits, even when you are trying to be silent, trying to negotiate with someone, etc.  

Helm of Taunting:  Placing this on the head causes a PC to compulsively taunt his enemies by giving them rasberries, colorfully insulting their mothers, using rude hand gestures etc. - but the PC can do nothing else during combat.

There were more, but I can't remember them now.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Feb 4, 2010)

*Belt of the Drunken Master*

When worn, the wearer immediately gains use of the Improved Unarmed Combat Feat and all Feats with IUC as a prerequisite.

In addition, the wearer immediately becomes Staggered and Confused.  Each subsequent round, the wearer must roll on the table below to determine their condition.

Normal
Confused
Dazed
Fascinated
Helpless
Nauseated
Prone
Sickened
Stunned
Unconscious


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## innerdude (Feb 4, 2010)

It's perhaps a bit naughty, and depending on the type of group you run, it might be inappropriate....

But our gaming group has a long-running gag with a useless magic item called: 

*drum roll*

The Gloves of Superior Banking (substitute the "B" in "banking" with a "W," and, well . . .  you get the idea). 

This item can typically be procured from wandering gypsies, bored nobles with frigid wives, and clerics of particular religious denominations that promote celibacy.


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## Echohawk (Feb 4, 2010)

Oryan77 said:


> Are the April Fools Items sorted in the books in any way so they are easy to locate? I couldn't find anything in the books about April Fools Items.



Page 1589, Table Q: Humorous Items.


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## TarionzCousin (Feb 4, 2010)

Aurora's Whole Realms Catalogue.

Some useful stuff, but lots of humorous items, too.

amazon.com's [ame="http://www.amazon.com/Auroras-Whole-Realms-Catalog-Forgotten/dp/1560763272"]page[/ame].


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## Dannyalcatraz (Feb 4, 2010)

*Prosthetic Dragon Teeth*

Just like the name says, they're false teeth for dragons...

*Penguin Suit*

A full set of formal attire, when worn, it makes the wearer's face look like a Penguin's.

*Invisibility Suit*

A full set of formal attire, when worn, the fabric becomes nearly invisible...but the wearer's body is covered by an illusion of a mosaic of flesh-colored squares.
*
Wonderous Woodwind*

This is a class of magical instruments- any instrument that is played by blowing into it can be of this type.  When played, they are silent, producing the notes as 1" wooden notes that clatter to the floor in the order they were played.

In the hands of a Bard, they do not interfere with performing Bardic music & magic, but non-magical performances face a -10 modifier against being properly appreciated.


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## On Puget Sound (Feb 4, 2010)

Minor Ring of Invisibility:  This ring is invisible.  It exists, but you can't see it.  It's magic!

alternate Minor Ring of Invisibility:  When worn, the finger it is on becomes invisible.

Gandalf's Fireworks:  when lit, they make a spectacular display in the sky.

Sleeping Bag:  A cloth sack that emits a loud snoring sound.  Anything you put into it (an animal, a magic item) "goes to sleep" - becomes inactive for 8 hours or until removed from the bag.


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## Bold or Stupid (Feb 4, 2010)

Trident of Fish Command.

That is all.


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## David Howery (Feb 4, 2010)

I think the most (unintentionally) useless magic item I remember was from the 1E module "Hidden Shrine of Tamoachan".  There was a kind of Aztec sword that had a bonus vs. gas spores.  You remember what gas spores do when you hit them, right?  They BLOW UP!  You DON"T WANT TO HIT THEM!  What the hell good is a sword that has a bonus to hit them?!


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## Theo R Cwithin (Feb 4, 2010)

Bold or Stupid said:


> Trident of Fish Command.
> 
> That is all.



I was always partial to the Fork of Fish Impalement, myself.


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## Woas (Feb 5, 2010)

A toupee that changes into a turd with a magical phrase?


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## Garmorn (Feb 5, 2010)

One of my favorites was a always clean diaper, or the cursed version - all ways full diaper.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Feb 6, 2010)

*Spoons of Sharpness*

This is a matched set of spoons (the set varies in number).  When wielded as weapons, they are +1 magical weapons with a base damage of 1d2 16-20x3 S.  They ignore any non-magical armor or shield bonuses.  Multiple spoons may be held in each hand- plus one per hand per the character's Dexterity bonus.

In the hands of a Bard, however, they can be used as percussion instruments, played by slapping them on the body.

Doing so, however, can cause injury.  Unless the Bard makes his perform roll by 5 or more, he is cut by them as if he wielded them as weapons.  If this happens, the spoons' pitch change, going "sharp" for the next 24 hours.

*Magical Donkey Tail*

This is a mummified Donkey tail.  When pinned on any being, that being suffers a -4 to any morale rolls, but each being within a 10' radius gains a +2 to any morale rolls.

*Boots of Seed*

These hobnailed boots appear as normal for their kind.  However, with every step, each of the nails drives a seed into any hole they make.  These magical seeds will grow into holly bushes at their normal rate of growth.  Because of the density of the planting, these will function as 5' Walls of Thorns.  The boots never run out of seed.

If the wearer is a Druid, this growth will occur overnight.

*Rapier of Sharpness*

This Rapier, when worn, gives its wearer a +4 bonus to Charisma, and all of the person's other clothes are magically mended.  The girls are gonna go crazy...


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## Theo R Cwithin (Feb 6, 2010)

*Ever-wet doorknob* - This doorknob is always covered in a sheen of cold, oily moisture.  Opening a door equipped with such a doorknob requires the user to succeed on a DC 12 Dex check.

*Perfect Pitchfork* - Grants the user +5 on all Profession(Farming) checks involving the harvesting and storage of hay.  Also grants a +5 on Perform(Singing) checks when the performer's routine is on the topic of rural life.

*Nutmender* - These devices are ordinarily fashioned to resemble small wooden soldiers.  When the shell fragments of a broken nut are placed in the statue's mouth and the arm pulled, the mouth closes and a whole nut pops out the soldier's backside.

*Singing fish* - This is a varnished likeness of a river fish affixed to a wooden plaque.  When mounted on a wall and the command word spoken, the fish begins to sing drinking songs and wiggle in tune to its own music.  This item comes in bass, tuna and soprano varieties.

*Manacles of Keen Perception* - The peculiar result of a mis-spelling on an order ticket, these manacles grant the wearer +2 on all Spot and Search checks.  These manacles do not come with a key, however, and all checks made by anyone to remove the cuffs (including Pick Locks, Escape Artist and Strength checks) are made with a -5 penalty.


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## Relique du Madde (Feb 6, 2010)

*Bad of Sand. *- This bag taps into the elemental plane of sand.  An endless supply of sand pours out of the bag when its tilted and the magic words "La la la la la la!" are repeated.

*Feather of Color Change*. - When flicked, the feather changes color.  That's it.

*Ring of Spelling.* -  When worn this ring grants the user a +4 bonus to intelligence checks for the purposes of spelling words.

*Spectacles of Proofreading* - These spectacles grants the wearer a +10 bonus to Spot Checks  but only when spotting spelling and grammatical errors.


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## Mattbert (Feb 7, 2010)

Wild Gazebo said:


> Bedpan of Teleportation (definate possible abuse)




That's sweet. Especially if you pick the destination...

"So the Paladin thinks its funny to use the halfling rogue as bait..."


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## Dannyalcatraz (Feb 7, 2010)

the_orc_within said:


> *
> Manacles of Keen Perception - The peculiar result of a mis-spelling on an order ticket, these manacles grant the wearer +2 on all Spot and Search checks.  These manacles do not come with a key, however, and all checks made by anyone to remove the cuffs (including Pick Locks, Escape Artist and Strength checks) are made with a -5 penalty.*



*

Hmmm...that one just gave me visions of a Mage (Magoo?) with bad eyesight who constantly misread order tickets, producing, among other things,

Glaives of Missile Snoring

Monk's Bolts

Mad Duck of the Titans

Clock of Elvenkind

Minstrel Plate Mail

Hammersack*

Rope of Eyes

Brassiere of Fire Elementals

and the Rod of Failing

*Is it just me, or does that sound like a Dwarf's porno name?*


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## Theo R Cwithin (Feb 7, 2010)

Dannyalcatraz said:


> *
> Hammersack**
> 
> 
> *Is it just me, or does that sound like a Dwarf's porno name?



Well, it's certainly a better porno name than...


Dannyalcatraz said:


> *
> Rod of Failing*


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## Dannyalcatraz (Feb 7, 2010)

*Flash Powder*

When this powder is lit, the person who lit it has their "private areas" revealed to those around them.

*Wand of Rhumba*

Expending a charge from this wand gives the target a +10 to all Perform: Dance checks.

*Staff of the Magpie*

This staff gives the bearer an extreme craving for collecting shiny objects.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Feb 7, 2010)

*Ring of the Moonshadow*

Makes the wearer's shadow turn the color of moonlight.  This renders it invisible in daylight or well lit areas, but conversely, it glows in darkness.

*Iron Panflute*

When played by a Bard who fails on his Perform roll by 5 or more, it turns into a cast-iron skillet for 1d4 rounds.


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## Alisair Longreach (Feb 7, 2010)

Plate with Airbag  Level 2+
*Armor*: Plate
*Enhancement: *AC
*Property: *You negate one dice of falling damage per enhancement bonus.
After a fall you are prone and immobilized (save ends).

Idea stolen from Wizard of Id feb 7, 2010


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## DeBasilisk (Feb 7, 2010)

Pole of the Master Fisher
-Fishing pole; when used, one can name a specific type of mundane fish or sea-creature found in the region (snapper, grouper, bass, octopus, eel etc.) and within minutes, one such creature automatically is hooked.

The Sadim Touch
-Oil, when applied to the hand, any gold, silver or platinum touched is transformed to lead shavings.

Nogain Powder
-Causes baldness.

Lamp of Wishful Thinking
-Ornate oil lamp, when rubbed, an eager Djinn announces he will fulfill 3 wishes for the lamp's owner. The wishes never come true. When asked, the Djinn always assures the owner "It's in the works." It isn't.


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## Psychotic Jim (Feb 7, 2010)

The DMG (3.0 version) had a burnt out gray ioun stone that cost 25 gp.  All it did was float around your head in a normal ioun stone fashion.  One particularly crazy thief of mine find it to be high fashion.

The Nyambe African Adventures d20 setting had what it described as trinkets, small doodads that existed mostly for flavor and did minor things.  Each one cost 25 gp.

You might also look at the d20 book _Nuisances_, which had a few quirky magical items (like a flying carpet size so that only a familiar could ride on it) as well as flaws for more serious mudane and magical items.  Nothing really too systematic, but it might have a handful of ideas.


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## David Howery (Feb 8, 2010)

the Pacifist Scabbard.  Put a blade in this, and every time the PC gets into combat, the scabbard will twist and turn and refuse to let the blade out of it, all the while screaming "No!  I don't want to hurt anything!  Can't we all just get along?!"

okay, that's more of a cursed item than a useless one...


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## Sylrae (Feb 8, 2010)

Last game I sold my players a broom that creates dirt when you use it to sweep. It was a joke item, meant to be useless. He bought it for  and giggles.

At the end of the game he used it to put out a greasefire. It made my Day.


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## darjr (Feb 8, 2010)

Slipper of the third hand. Put it on and the foot wearing it is as good as a hand, not a foot. Hopping on the other foot is good fun.

Little hands. Gloves that make your hands three sizes smaller. Surgeons and pickpockets love these.

Square pants. Pants with pockets that you can put things in with sharp or uncomfortable corners. You'll, however, remain nice and comfy. You'll also look like Bob.

Bobble head. A small hat or crown that makes your head a giant bobble head. It makes getting hit in the head much less of a hassle injury wise, but it'll take you a second or a few before your head stops bouncing around.

Everfull wallet. It's never empty and always over flowing... with receipts. It's good if you need a scrap of paper in a pinch, though for any particular use the receipt is the worst thing that's just barely good enough for the job.

Note all the above are cursed. The wearable items are impossible to remove without a secret archaic magic phrase. The wallet is the only wallet you'll ever remember where you put it, with out a key phrase.


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## darjr (Feb 8, 2010)

DeBasilisk said:


> Lamp of Wishful Thinking
> -Ornate oil lamp, when rubbed, an eager Djinn announces he will fulfill 3 wishes for the lamp's owner. The wishes never come true. When asked, the Djinn always assures the owner "It's in the works." It isn't.




Or, after a lot of mumbo jumbo nothing happens. If asked the Djinn says, 'Your not the owner! Where's the title?'


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## Dannyalcatraz (Feb 8, 2010)

darjr said:


> Or, after a lot of mumbo jumbo nothing happens. If asked the Djinn says, 'Your not the owner! Where's the title?'




Or the Djinn responds to your wishes with something like "Nice wish!  You know what _I_ wish?  I wish I was on a beach with a cute little efreet on my arm..." then disappears.

When rubbed again, he bursts out "Or maybe, at least, that I didn't live in a cramped little bottle that people keep yanking me out of through a tiny little spout!" and disappears again...


Wash, rinse, repeat.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Feb 8, 2010)

*The Chillax*

This is a battleaxe that, when wielded and the command word is spoken, makes every being within a 60' radius pause for 1 round and reflect upon whether the present conflict is worth continuing.  For that 1 round, each affected being gains a +4 to their Wis.


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## Set (Feb 8, 2010)

Random low-level magic items;

Sojourner's Soles - these boots allow the user to Hustle for four hours per day before taking nonlethal damage (normally one suffers damage after one hour of Hustle).  As a free action, the user can invoke the power of the boots to move at double speed for a single round, but the wearer becomes fatigued at the end of that round, and cannot invoke the power again while fatigued (or at all, if he is already fatigued by some other effect).  Unlike normal sources of fatigue, this condition ends after 10 minutes of rest.  [Expeditious Retreat]

Amulet of Oak, Ash and Thorn - As a standard action, this wooden bauble can be opened to reveal a single goodberry, up to eight times per day, but no more than once per hour.  [Goodberry]

Emmorath's Handy Brand - this club has a head that resembles a torch, and the bearer can cause it to light upon command as a standard action, shedding torch intensity light for the duration.  If it strikes a target while lit, it inflicts normal club damage, +1d3 fire damage (although it extinguishes on a roll of 1, and must be re-activated).  [Produce Flame]

Brazen Shield - this large shield is made of gleaming brass that never tarnishes, and depicts a wild-tressed maiden with coppery hair dancing provocatively on it's surface.  When worn in a brightly lit area (daylight equivalent), anyone in melee combat with the user, or targetting him with a ranged attack at any range, suffers a -1 to attack rolls to strike him.  This is a light-based effect, and creatures who are blind or otherwise unaffected by bright lights are immune.  Creatures with daylight sensitivity instead have a -2 to to their attack rolls to strike the bearer.  [Flare]

Wee One's Fighting Stick - this fey-crafted club or quarterstaff is sized for either a Small or Tiny user (50% of either, if found randomly), but functions as if it were one size category larger, for damage purposes.  [Shillelagh]

Everfull Waterskin - this 1/2 gallon capacity waterskin is made of the leather of some freshwater creature, such as a fish or eel, and is always full of fresh water.  Water poured from the skin evaporates within a minute if not consumed or expended in some way, and the waterskin can produce up to 2 gallons of water per day before it runs dry.  More potent versions that can produce 4 or even 8 gallons of water per day exist.  [Create Water]

Apothecary's Bandage - this re-usable silken bandage allows any wounded wearer to recover one extra hit point per night, although the bandage must be worn for eight full hours to take effect, and the bandage cannot be used more than once per 24 hours.  If the wearer is undergoing complete bedrest, and wears the bandage for a full 24 hours, he recovers three times his character level in hit points, instead of twice his level.  No matter what wound it covers, the bandage is always clean and fresh-smelling when removed.  [Cure Minor Wounds]

Guided Weapon - this weapon is usually the favored weapon of a specific local diety, and is engraved with holy symbols and sacred imagery and text of that faith.  As a standard action, the user can call upon the blessings within the weapon, granting him a +1 bonus to his next attack roll with that weapon, so long as it occurs within 1 minute.  A more potent version of this effect can be invoked as a move-equivalent action, allowing the blessed guidance to be used on a single attack per round.  [Guidance]

Bloodthirsty Weapon - this weapon is often a favored weapon of a specific neutral or evil diety, and is engraved with sacred imagery and symbols of that faith.  Bloodthirsty weapons are traditionally made of alchemically-strengthened bone, black iron, obsidian or similar materials of sinister reputation.  As a standard action, the user can call up negative energy within the weapon so that it inflicts one extra point of negative energy damage upon it's next hit.  A more potent version can charge the weapon as a move-equivalent action, allowing a single charged attack per round.  A more specialized version inflicts negative energy damage to the user as well, when it strikes, which heals an undead user.  [Inflict Minor Wounds]

Soft Bone Mask - the wearer of this mask, made from the facial bones of a humanoid, gains a +2 bonus to intimidate checks, and upon a successful Intimidate check, those affected are shaken for 1d4 rounds, instead of a single round.  [Cause Fear]

Monocle of Mastery - this glass monocle is set within a golden ring, inscribed with many characters in a specific tongue.  While it is worn over one eye, or held over text, the user can read the specific language to which the monocle is keyed at half his normal speed, even if he cannot otherwise read the language in question.  Even an illiterate user can read the language that the monocle is keyed to translate.  [Comprehend Languages]

Clasp of the Advisor - this silver earcuff secures to the edge of a humanoid ear and is marked with characters in a specific language.  While it is worn, the user can understand words spoken in that specific language as if he wear a native spealer.  He does not gain the ability to speak (or read) that language, however.

Caduceus - this wooden wand is carved to resemble two intertwining serpents, one of ebony, the other of white ash.  The wielder can make a Heal check (DC 15) as a standard action to determine the health status of people within 30 ft.  The status levels identified are;
Dead, Dying (but stabilized), Dying (not stabilized), Grievously wounded (zero hit points), Critically Wounded (25% or less hp), Seriously Wounded (50% or less hp), Moderately Wounded (75% or less hp), Lightly Wounded (99% or less hp) or Unharmed (full hp).  A failed check will usually produce a result within one place, while a roll of 1 has less predictable results.  [Deathwatch]

Aba of the Dune-Walker - these desert travel clothes gives a +4 bonus to Fortitude checks to avoid the effects of high temperatures, and the user does not suffer the traditional -4 penalty for heavy clothing or armor worn.  [Endure Elements]

Parka of the Tundra Lords - these cold-weather survival clothes give a +4 bonus to Fortitude checks to avoid the effects of cold temperatures (over and above any mundane bonus that cold weather survival clothing provides!) and the wearer does not suffer any additional penalty for wearing metal armor (although the parka provides no bonus against magically-potent effects, such as Chill Metal).  [Endure Elements]

Shielding Bracer - found in pairs, these steel bracers are dusted with powerded diamond in ornate protective sigils and glyphs, giving them a shimmering appearanc.  Each provides a +1 AC bonus vs. Ranged attacks, and a DR: 1 vs. magic missile effects.  They can be worn singly, or as a pair, and the bonuses stack.  [Shield]

Raven's Feather Cloak - this cloak of black raven's feathers flares out whenever the wearer falls more than 10 ft., automatically subtracting 10 ft. from the total distance before calculating any falling damage, and giving a +10 bonus to Acrobatics checks to prevent a further 10 ft. of falling damage.  [Feather Fall]

Mountain Giant's Mantle - this burly set of bear-furs and oxen-hide shoulderpads allow the wearer to be treated as if one size class larger for the purposes of resisting or instigating Bull Rush, Trip or Overrun attacks.  [Enlarge]

Eel-skin Vest - this slick leathery jerkin allows the wearer to 'squeeze' as if he was one size class smaller, and confers a +4 bonus to Escape Artist checks.  [Reduce]


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## Stacie GmrGrl (Feb 8, 2010)

I'd say look in either of the Adventurer's Vaults for 4e also, a lot of those items are useless, even if they offer a mechanical benefit.  I've seen the same ones picked over and over again that hundreds of others are never picked.


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## Alisair Longreach (Feb 8, 2010)

The reason most magic items in the Adventurer's Vaults are not worth taking is because of the Milestones rules which imposes excessive metagame restrictions magic item daily powers.

Milestones are a metagame carrot-on-a-stick and I feel that is quite insulting. It's one of the biggest flaws in the 4E ruleset.

Items with an enhancement bonus and properties and at-will and encounter powers are very popular. Get a magic item with a daily power and chances are you or the player who gets it feel cheated.


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## Hand of Evil (Feb 8, 2010)

Animated object is your friend!  

Animated Water Bottle - roams around watering things
Animated Pen - roams around writing what it hears or wants
Animated Sword - does not like to "hit" 
Animated matching knife and fork - stabbing and cutting, stabbing and cutting...all meat!  

Crystal Ball of Facts - Longest river in the world, tallest mountain, tallest orc to ever live, the greatest number of elfs stuffed into a closet, the hobbit with the most hair on their feet, etc...

Ever full roll of Tiolet Paper - okay, not useless but...


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## Old_school_overlord (Feb 8, 2010)

Tiara of name recolection and pronunciation

"Ambassador Pliblopopodoopalop how delightful to see you after all these years!"


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## Hand of Evil (Feb 8, 2010)

RINGS or such...

Ring of rings - will produce a different "ring tone" like a cell phone, and learns tunes from what it's wear hears.
Ring of Bird Calls - will produce bird calls 
Ring of Blessings - will allow wearer to produce common blessings - again not useless but all blessings are 100 words or more!  Make the players come up with them when they use it.
Ring of Change Smell - will change the smell of the wearer - again not useless but wearer smell does not change back until a week after the ring is removed


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## Oni (Feb 8, 2010)

Here's something that one of my characters created.  Not inherently funny, but has potential in the right (wrong?) hands.  

Falger's Oil.  

An oil that removes hair and prevents any growth in the applied area for a year and a day.  

Great for the pretty boys that always want to look their best.


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## Kimyou (Feb 8, 2010)

The Stone : It is unsure who created the Stone, or what exactly is it's purpose, but it as been lying around for centuries, repetitively stolen, lost, given and sold. This seemingly completely regular rock, mostly spherical of about 8 inches in diameter, is completely indestructable, and extremely stubborn in it's uselessness. It seems to be just heavy enough to be a hassle to carry around, although will never actually hurt anyone it falls upon. It is immune to all forms of magic (often redirecting a spell on a nearby humanoid, preferably the current owner) and will make itself a pest in every way a magical rock might.

There are many rumors that it has a mind of it's own, but is much too ornery to bother talking to anyone.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Feb 9, 2010)

The Luggage

*The Irony Golem*

This construct looks like a human-sized clockwork metal jester with a vaguely fey cast to its features.  When touched, greets the person who touched it as its new master.

From that point on, it follows that person, making ironic statements about its "master's" appearance ("You look niiiiiiiiiiice.") or actions ("Way to smack the heck out of that Fire Giant!") in mocking tones.

Should it be attacked, treat it as an Iron Golem.  Since it is only human sized, adjust its stats downward as if it had been affected by a Reduce Person spell.


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## Hand of Evil (Feb 9, 2010)

Again animated objects are your friends...

Animated Poo - Oh, like people don't think rubber poo is funny and a bag filled with poo on fire is not a staple of comedy!
Animated stuffed animals 


Okay...
Cod Pieces 

of Charisma
of Anti-jock itch
of fertility


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## jbear (Feb 9, 2010)

Figurine of the Unseen Maseuse


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## Hand of Evil (Feb 9, 2010)

Mimes 

- Costume of the mime 
- Golem Mimes
- Wonderful Figurine of Mimes
- Mask of the Mime


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## Dannyalcatraz (Feb 11, 2010)

*Claymore of the Sun
*
This weapon resembles a Brilliant Energy sword, but its blade is pure sunlignt.  As such, it can be used to illuminate an area (equivalent to a torch).  As a weapon, though, it is virtually useless.  Its blade, being sunlight, simply illuminates things it is swung towards.

However, against undead, it does 4d6 19-20x2 damage per blow, doubled if the particular undead creature is vulnerable to sunlight.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Feb 13, 2010)

*The Scourge of Healing*

This weapon is a +2 Flail with 5 small, spiked heads as opposed to one single head.  (The weapon's damage is unchanged from a typical +2 Flail, so its damage is: 1d8 +2  x2 B.)

However, when a command word is spoken and it is used to strike someone, it does damage as an _un-magical_ Flail (1d8 x2 B) AND grants the person struck the benefits of a Cure Light Wounds as cast by a 5th level caster: 1d8+5.  There is no limit to the number of times this power can be used.

Thus, over time, the Scourge will fully heal someone struck repeatedly using its special power...but it will be a long and painful process.


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## Zustiur (Feb 13, 2010)

Everburning candle - as per everburning torch, but light as per a candle

Boots of slipperiness - Like wearing ice skates on dry land. Requires a balance check every round.

Portable sundial - a mini sundial contained within a glass bauble which is always facing the right way to tell the time. Doesn't function if the sun cannot be seen.

Gloves of itching (cursed) - while wearing the gloves the character is incredibly itchy, and cannot help scratching constantly (all over). Cannot be removed by the character that is wearing them. The itch lasts for 5 rounds after removal.

Music Rock - an odd shaped rock which can be shaken or hit to produce the noise of the last musical instrument that it 'heard'.

Baby djinni bottle - Looks like a normal djinni bottle, but produces a baby djinn. He can only produce very small wishes. 1gp for example. On the positive side, most of the wishes come out as intended, not twisted like adult djinns do.

Bag of Preservation - small bag which stops food going moldy.

Milkmaid's gloves - prevents cramp while milking a cow or goat. Also stops you spilling any of the milk.

Everlasting bottle of whine - Unstop the bottle and it will constantly complain. The only way to shut it up is to shove the cork back in.

Box of snowflakes - a wooden box about the size of a cereal packet, when shaken snowflakes fall out. Produces about a cubic foot of snow but only once per week.

Deck of many pings - each card makes a different 'ping' sound.

Tiara of the princess (cursed) - whoever wears the tiara becomes snooty, useless and impossible to please. If forced to run, the character will almost immediately twist an ankle.

Hat of the accountant - Oddly shaped green hat, makes the character good with numbers.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Feb 13, 2010)

Zustiur said:


> Tiara of the princess (cursed) - whoever wears the tiara becomes snooty, useless and impossible to please. If forced to run, the character will almost immediately twist an ankle.




This is one of my favorites so far!

*Dnumoel's Tiny Hat*

When worn, this normal sized tricorner hat becomes the size of a doll's hat.  It does not constrict- it merely sits perched atop the wearer's head, and cannot be dislodged unless the wearer wills it.

*Bubba Yaga's Hut*

This hut looks like a camouflaged deer blind (+10 to Hide checks).  Upon the owner's command, it raises up on gigantic turkey legs which can propel the hut at Spd 60' for 1 hour.  Upon another command, the turkey legs detach and become instantly fried.  Each giant and tasty leg can feed 20 people.  After they are eaten, though, the hut cannot produce the legs (for any reason) for 1 week.


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## Ampersand999 (Feb 15, 2010)

*Bag of Other People's Items* Simply, when you pull out of this bag will be something that belongs to someone else. Often, you'll get money, but sometimes you'll get other things, like the crown to one of the area's king, queen, and so forth. But more likely, you'll get the King's Royal Toupee.


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## Theo R Cwithin (Feb 15, 2010)

_*The Deck of Manly Things - *_draw a card, and get a Manly Thing: a kick*** greatsword, a random tool, nose hair clippers, an issue of Hot Rod magazine (for all your metamagical pimpin' needs!), a golf club, and the like.
_*
The Deck of Skinny Things -*_ draw a card and get a skinny thing: a quarterstaff,  a skeletal servant, a leafy branch, a toothpick, a ladder, a runway model, a coil of rope, a wand of fireballs, a famine curse, and the like.


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## jdrakeh (Feb 15, 2010)

_*The Hand Towel of Vecna*_ 

A spotty, worn, old rag that radiates a faint magical aura, the mighty Hand Towel of Vecna can return that 'like new' shine to anything that it is used to clean (including lich hands).


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## Mistwell (Feb 15, 2010)

Raven Crowking said:


> a stone ball (presumably for well-to-do folks' gardens) that attracts birds to its vicinity.






the_orc_within said:


> weedbane sickle (doesn't harm crops)
> moss-repellent stone
> garden gnome golem






Deset Gled said:


> Hat of Shade
> This wide brimmed hat makes it's wearer immune to sunburn.






TheAuldGrump said:


> Ever Watered Pot. Plants planted within this simple clay pot need not be watered, the pot administering the correct amount of moisture each day.
> 
> Sundial of Weather Detection. Turns wet when it is raining, and white when it is snowing - time can be read even on cloudy days.






Dannyalcatraz said:


> *Boots of Seed*
> 
> These hobnailed boots appear as normal for their kind.  However, with every step, each of the nails drives a seed into any hole they make.  These magical seeds will grow into holly bushes at their normal rate of growth.  Because of the density of the planting, these will function as 5' Walls of Thorns.  The boots never run out of seed.
> 
> If the wearer is a Druid, this growth will occur overnight.






Hand of Evil said:


> Animated Water Bottle - roams around watering things






Zustiur said:


> Portable sundial - a mini sundial contained within a glass bauble which is always facing the right way to tell the time. Doesn't function if the sun cannot be seen.




I see a Magical Gardening Shop in the future.  And if these are the accessories, imagine the plants for sale


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## Theo R Cwithin (Feb 16, 2010)

_*Doily-caster -   *_This intimidating looking device resembles a heavy crossbow studded with gears and spindles.  When a command word spoken, a lacy doily is instantly crocheted from the user-provided material and propelled in the direction the device is aimed (range increment 20').  A doily-caster is configurable: a single skein of yarn provides 50 "charges", of which a fine-sized doily (4") consumes one charge, a diminutive-sized doily (8") consumes 2 charges, and a tiny-sized doily (16") consumes 4 charges.  Loading the device involves threading the yarn through intricate moving parts and is a very complex task, requiring 10 full rounds to reload.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Feb 16, 2010)

*Wand of Wander*

Upon saying the command word, the target creature becomes _Confused_ for 2d10 rounds and wanders off.  While it is confused, the creature is miraculously protected from attacks.

After the effect dissipates, the creature is free to act normally...but it has no idea where it is.

(thus answering the question "Where _do_ all those wandering monsters come from, anyway?")


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## Ampersand999 (Feb 17, 2010)

I noticed that in Adventurer Vaults 2, there's the fabled Ring of Windows. Which make me think it has to have a drawback. Mainly, you must upgrade the Ring to the latest version, every day before you use it, it must make a 30 minute check to make sure you're genuine, and if you encounter a blue smokescreen, you have to make a DC 40 check or you basically die.

Too obvious, perhaps?


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## Theo R Cwithin (Feb 17, 2010)

Ampersand999 said:


> I noticed that in Adventurer Vaults 2, there's the fabled Ring of Windows.
> ...snip...
> Too obvious, perhaps?



Nice   Reminds me of these:

_*Reboots*_ - Once per week, this pair of boots allows the wearer to lose all XP, treasure and conditions accumulated during the current adventure, and teleport back to the beginning (or last save point) to start over.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Feb 19, 2010)

*Figurine of Wondrous Powder*

When this magic statue's command word is spoken, it becomes an elvish dressing servant who will clean up the statue's owner and clothe him in magically produced fashionable elvish courtly attire (of a dandy of 4,000 years ago) but will, in the final moments, apply too much talcum powder.

The person so attended will be blinded for 1 round and cough for 1d4 rounds.  He will also look like an elvish fop for 6 hours, after which the clothes will disappear.

His previous attire will appear- fully cleaned, folded and _perfumed_- in a neat pile in his arms.  If his previous attire was a suit of armor, he may find the load unwieldy.


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## Theo R Cwithin (Feb 19, 2010)

*Cat-herder's crook -*
This graceful staff resembes a long, striped feline tail curved in the form of a shepherds' crook.  
- It is _Dogbane quarterstaff +1/+1_ 
- It constantly radiates an aura of _calm animals_ (cats only) to a radius of 30ft.  
- It grants the wielder the ability to _speak with animals_ (cats only). 
- (1x/day) The wielder can create enough water and fishy-smelling meat paste to feed up to 40 tiny-sized cats.
- (3x/day) The wielder can shoot forth a 30ft _Cone of Catnip_: any cat caught in the area of effect must make a Will save (DC18) or be _dazed_ for 1d6+4 minutes.


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## Set (Feb 19, 2010)

Zustiur said:


> Baby djinni bottle - Looks like a normal djinni bottle, but produces a baby djinn. He can only produce very small wishes. 1gp for example. On the positive side, most of the wishes come out as intended, not twisted like adult djinns do.




I love this one.  Maybe the baby djinn's 'wishes' stem from his being able to cast prestidigitation at will, or minor image, or something.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Feb 19, 2010)

*The Ever Empty Bottle*

Its a Klein bottle which changes constantly.  It is otherwise unmagical.

*Figurine of Wondrous Power: Möbius Stripper*

This alabaster statuette of a woman comes to life when its command word is spoken, and begins dancing. However, no matter how much she dances, you never see her front.  She reverts to statuette form after 1d4 rounds.


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## Theo R Cwithin (Feb 19, 2010)

*Genius in a Bottle*
This bottle contains a single dose of clear, colorless liquid.  When it is drunk, roll d% and check the result:

1%:  "inspiration" - gain a +20 insight bonus on your next Craft, Profession, or Knowledge skill check

99%:  "perspiration" - tastes like sweat.
....

My last use of this item resulted in the following:



> _*Klein bottle*
> 
> Klein bottle, klein bottle,
> What have you got within?
> ...



:curtsey:


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## Dannyalcatraz (Feb 19, 2010)

*Battleaxe of Great Cleavage*

When first used in combat, this +2 Battleaxe turns the wielder into a female of their species, granting a +4 bonus to Charisma and magically altering their armor to show off their "attributes" to their best advantage.  The armor's protective value does not change. 

When the weapon is not in use, the Charisma bonus fades at a rate of -1 Cha per hour.  The owner's gender does not change back, however, unless powerful magic (Limited Wish or better) is used.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Feb 19, 2010)

*Genius in a Bottle 2*
When the bottle is polished while the following is sung:

_I'm a genius in a bottle, baby 
Gotta rub me the right way, honey 
I'm a genius in a bottle, baby 
Come, come, come and let me out _

The bottle's owner disappears, to be replaced by a diminutive blonde creature of magic...the owner replacing her within the bottle's confines  She has a +20 Craft, Profession, Knowledge or Cha-based skill checks.

However, she will not return to the bottle until she is sufficiently flattered by the bottle owners' associates (their Bluff or Diplomacy vs her Sense Motive check).  Until she is convinced of her usefulness, she won't transpose with the bottle's owner.


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## Allegro (Apr 10, 2010)

*Coin bag of change*
All coins placed in the coin bag will be transmuted to the least number of coins that represent equivalent value.  For example 1283 copper coins will turn into 1 platinum, 2 gold, 8 silver, and 3 copper coins.  Additionally, the owner of the bag can reach into the bag and pull out the correct change to make a purchase assuming the bag has enough coinage currently stored in it.

*   Pot of Restaurant Service*
The pot is activated when the PCs deposit at least 10 gold into the pot at a restaurant or tavern.  Any wait staffing within 100 feet failing their will save DC 14 + (amount of gold/10 rounded down) will be compelled to give exemplary service to the owner of the pot. At the end of the night, the gold is disappears into the wallets of the wait staff. 

*     Gelatinous Chew*
This gum is made from cuttings of a gelatinous cube.  While being chewed they provide a +2 bonus to resist the paralyzing poison of gelatinous cubes.


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## Longtooth Studios (Apr 11, 2010)

Foppish Balls

A form of bolo tie that is worn around the neck and is extremely outdated in most fashion circles. These are enchanted to make the wearer believe that he is all the rage in his chosen fashion statement and prevent him from noticing the mocking laughter of others.


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## TarionzCousin (Apr 15, 2010)

*Evard's Everful Colostomy Bag*

Do I really need to explain this?


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## David Howery (Apr 15, 2010)

kinda OT, but did anyone else think the 1E/2E Bag of Tricks was inspired by Rocky and Bullwinkle?

"Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!"
"RRRRRRRR"


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## Ed_Laprade (Apr 15, 2010)

David Howery said:


> kinda OT, but did anyone else think the 1E/2E Bag of Tricks was inspired by Rocky and Bullwinkle?
> 
> "Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!"
> "RRRRRRRR"



In a word, yes.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Apr 16, 2010)

*Deck of Goats*: if used to play cards, this deck will add +4 to any gambling check made by the deck's owner.  However, if the Joker is dealt- and it _cannot_ be removed- a stampede of goats will burst through the nearest doorway, generally causing havoc.  Their stampede lasts 2d4 rounds, and then they disappear out of any open portal (doorway, window, trapdoor, etc.).

Once acquired, this Deck cannot be given away, only lost by gambling with that deck.

While it does not force its owner to use it, any deck with which the owner plays has the "Joker drawback"...and will not grant its magical bonus.

In addition, the cards are edible by the deck's owner, providing 1 meal's worth of nutrition.  It re-forms 12 hours later.  This power can only be activated once per day, and if used, cannot be used to gain the gambling bonus.  As always, though, the "Joker drawback" is in effect.


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