# Gods of Egypt is horrible



## Tonguez (Mar 3, 2016)

Know this oh mortal men, I have looked upon the face of Gods and despaired!​
Gods of Egypt is a horrible mess that makes the Wrath of the Titans look good. 

The sets are as sumptuous as a glamour magazine shoot but the story is superficial, the characters bland and the special effects with their giant voltron-transformer gods quickly gets boring. Whats worse is they dont even try covering the Australian and Scots accents of their pale gods as they go through their set melodramas, plug-in action pieces and obligatory cleavage shots.  the giant snakes look cool but the rest is drek. save your money


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## delericho (Mar 3, 2016)

To be fair, Gerard Butler didn't exactly cover his accent when doing 300 either. 

But thanks for the heads-up - I almost certainly wasn't going to see it, but I'll now drop the 'almost'.


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## Kramodlog (Mar 3, 2016)

So, its a typical Hollywood action film. Color me jaded. The Transformers are the same, but they made a lot more money for some reason.


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## trappedslider (Mar 3, 2016)

goldomark said:


> So, its a typical Hollywood action film. Color me jaded. The Transformers are the same, but they made a lot more money for some reason.




I'll quote myself here : 







> I don't blame Bay, I blame the tons of sheep that go to watch his movies... if we could just get people to stop going to see crappy movies,Bay would stop making them.


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## Ryujin (Mar 3, 2016)

goldomark said:


> So, its a typical Hollywood action film. Color me jaded. The Transformers are the same, but they made a lot more money for some reason.




That reason would likely be nostalgia over a line of Hasbro toys and a cartoon series.


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## Kramodlog (Mar 3, 2016)

Ryujin said:


> That reason would likely be nostalgia over a line of Hasbro toys and a cartoon series.




It makes sense for the first movie, but after that the feeling should have been satiated.


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## Ryujin (Mar 3, 2016)

goldomark said:


> It makes sense for the first movie, but after that the feeling should have been satiated.




One could hope, but then one would have one's hopes dashed upon a rock.


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## Umbran (Mar 3, 2016)

Nostalgia has a deep gullet, and is rarely satiated.

Plus, in high summer, there is a market for movies that are pretty much an excuse to sit in a cool room with a soda for a couple of hours.  This explains the typical timing of Transformers movies.  Why Gods of Egypt is released in chill, damp March, I have no idea.


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## Ryujin (Mar 3, 2016)

Umbran said:


> Nostalgia has a deep gullet, and is rarely satiated.
> 
> Plus, in high summer, there is a market for movies that are pretty much an excuse to sit in a cool room with a soda for a couple of hours.  This explains the typical timing of Transformers movies.  Why Gods of Egypt is released in chill, damp March, I have no idea.




An excuse to sit in a warm, dark room for a couple of hours looking at desert scenes, while thinking warm thoughts?


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## Istbor (Mar 3, 2016)

Tonguez said:


> Know this oh mortal men, I have look upon the face of Gods and despaired!​
> and obligatory cleavage shots.  the giant snakes look cool but the rest is drek. save your money




To know the face of God is to know madness.

Plus duh, cleavage shots are obligatory for obvious reasons.  Bless them. Unless you were saying like, super out of nowhere shots.  That is just kind of funny, and then bad. 

The snakes and their riders were certainly cool looking to me, but the whole rest of that movie seemed pretty thin, just from the trailer.


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## Kramodlog (Mar 3, 2016)

Ryujin said:


> One could hope, but then one would have one's hopes dashed upon a rock.




Maybe him just in denial.


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## ccs (Mar 3, 2016)

And your superpower is stating the obvious? 

Seriously, you can tell ALL of that (except the giant snakes) from the trailers.

This won't prevent me from seeing it in a few weeks when it hits my local dollar theatre though.
I like the main actors in this, I'm not expecting anything more than a B movie (at best), & I don't expect it to resemble real world Egypt.
Afterall, I've seen plenty worse movies (I dont think anything can be lower than Robo-Vampire)


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## Ryujin (Mar 3, 2016)

goldomark said:


> Maybe him just in denial.




That ain't just a river in Egypt.

(Come on. You knew that SOMEONE was going to say it.)


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## Ryujin (Mar 3, 2016)

ccs said:


> And your superpower is stating the obvious?
> 
> Seriously, you can tell ALL of that (except the giant snakes) from the trailers.
> 
> ...




Should we really have to accept $100,000,000.00 "B movies" though?


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## Morrus (Mar 3, 2016)

Umbran said:


> Nostalgia has a deep gullet, and is rarely satiated.
> 
> Plus, in high summer, there is a market for movies that are pretty much an excuse to sit in a cool room with a soda for a couple of hours.  This explains the typical timing of Transformers movies.  Why Gods of Egypt is released in chill, damp March, I have no idea.




It's not chill and damp in Egypt!


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## Kramodlog (Mar 3, 2016)

Ryujin said:


> That ain't just a river in Egypt.
> 
> (Come on. You knew that SOMEONE was going to say it.)




I set them up, you knocked them down.


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## megamania (Mar 3, 2016)

Umbran said:


> Nostalgia has a deep gullet, and is rarely satiated.
> 
> Plus, in high summer, there is a market for movies that are pretty much an excuse to sit in a cool room with a soda for a couple of hours.  This explains the typical timing of Transformers movies.  Why Gods of Egypt is released in chill, damp March, I have no idea.




Over crowded with GOOD movies?    If not at least better superhero movies


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## megamania (Mar 3, 2016)

Guess I'll wait for this to reach the Five dollar Wal-Mart video bin......


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## Homicidal_Squirrel (Mar 3, 2016)

Tonguez said:


> Know this oh mortal men, I have looked upon the face of Gods and despaired!​
> Gods of Egypt is a horrible mess that makes the Wrath of the Titans look good.
> 
> The sets are as sumptuous as a glamour magazine shoot but the story is superficial, the characters bland and the special effects with their giant voltron-transformer gods quickly gets boring. Whats worse is they dont even try covering the Australian and Scots accents of their pale gods as they go through their set melodramas, plug-in action pieces and obligatory cleavage shots.  the giant snakes look cool but the rest is drek. save your money



That sounds like the description of a porn movie.


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## Umbran (Mar 3, 2016)

Homicidal_Squirrel said:


> That sounds like the description of a porn movie.




To quote Tom Lehrer, "When correctly viewed, *everything* is lewd."


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## Dannyalcatraz (Mar 3, 2016)

ccs said:


> I dont think anything can be lower than Robo-Vampire



Don't bet on that.

Check out _The Creeping Terror_,_The Room_, _Funny Games_, and- tapping the cybernetic vampire vein even earlier- the Kris Kristofferson masterpiece that is _Knights_.  (I had trouble watching *THAT* while getting drunk.)


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## Homicidal_Squirrel (Mar 3, 2016)

Dannyalcatraz said:


> Don't bet on that.
> 
> Check out _The Creeping Terror_,_The Room_, _Funny Games_, and- tapping the cybernetic vampire vein even earlier- the Kris Kristofferson masterpiece that is _Knights_.  (I had trouble watching *THAT* while getting drunk.)




Obviously you didn't get drunk enough fast enough. It helps if you're passed-out-plastered before the movie starts. Then, it is a much more enjoyable movie.


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## ccs (Mar 3, 2016)

Ryujin said:


> Should we really have to accept $100,000,000.00 "B movies" though?




Well, unless I go out & finance my own movie I don't get much say....
They'll keep making B movies (some with huge budgets) wether or not I watch them or not.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Mar 3, 2016)

Homicidal_Squirrel said:


> Obviously you didn't get drunk enough fast enough. It helps if you're passed-out-plastered before the movie starts. Then, it is a much more enjoyable movie.




At the time I saw it for the first- and with God's grace, only- time, my tolerance was still too high to get drunk quickly.  By the time I realized how bad it was, it was too late.

These days, due to a combination of consciously deciding to lower my tolerance coupled with blood pressure meds, I'm a cheap drunk.  So I might just be able to survive a second watching.

...but why borrow trouble?


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## Ryujin (Mar 3, 2016)

ccs said:


> Well, unless I go out & finance my own movie I don't get much say....
> They'll keep making B movies (some with huge budgets) wether or not I watch them or not.




True, unless the general public starts asking for a higher standard. Crap, with a $100M SFX budget, is still crap.


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## ccs (Mar 3, 2016)

Dannyalcatraz said:


> and- tapping the cybernetic vampire vein even earlier- the Kris Kristofferson masterpiece that is _Knights_.  (I had trouble watching *THAT* while getting drunk.)




Robo-Vampire predates that, coming out a year(?) After Robocop.
Looking it up your Knights movie sounds like it has a comprehensible  (if stupid) plot.

RV?  Not so much.  
Set in an '80s jungle, there's DEA style drug agents, necromancers, Chinese hopping vampires (one of wich wears a rubber gorilla mask), a scantily clad female ghost - who for no reason rips her top off late in the movie, flashbacks to an irrelivabt love stoey, the Robo hero is dressed in silver painted padded armor, TERRIBLE  effects/sound/stunts, inexplicable actions & diologue, and then it ends.
They took several bad movies, mashed them together, & filled in some bits.
I have this on a compilation disc (of other bad sci-fi).  The 1st time I saw it I was dead tired & fell asleep about 20m in.  It made no sense.  I woke up in time to catch the last 15m.  It made no sense.
"Ok", I thought, "I did sleep though the middle parts...."
So I watched it all the way through the next night.
It STILL made no @$&* sense!  I just saw more of it.
So I shared it with my D&D group.
We now use it as a hazing ritual when new people join our game.  If you can sit through this & then give an explanation of what was going on?  Your character gets to start at equel lv/power as the rest of us. 
That's how bad RV is.  God's of Egypt won't come close to it.


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## Umbran (Mar 3, 2016)

For all you people seeking the nadir of moviedom... Zardoz?  Lawnmower Man?  

Incoherent movies abound.


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## trappedslider (Mar 3, 2016)

Umbran said:


> For all you people seeking the nadir of moviedom... Zardoz?  Lawnmower Man?
> 
> Incoherent movies abound.




No..no..no it's all about Maximum Overdrive,which we know was made when the directed was on drugs cuz he told us so....


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## Umbran (Mar 3, 2016)

trappedslider said:


> No..no..no it's all about Maximum Overdrive,which we know was made when the directed was on drugs cuz he told us so....




Anything made in the 80s has a 50%+ chance of being made when the director and/or major actors were on drugs.  That's nothing.


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## Mallus (Mar 3, 2016)

trappedslider said:


> No..no..no it's all about Maximum Overdrive,which we know was made when the directed was on drugs cuz he told us so....



I'm pretty sure _Zardoz_ was made while John Boorman was using LSD. 

(I actually like _Zardoz_. The whole opening with the float-y head and, ahem, speech about 'evil' is one of my favorite sequences in film.)


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## Ryujin (Mar 3, 2016)

Mallus said:


> I'm pretty sure _Zardoz_ was made while John Boorman was using LSD.
> 
> (I actually like _Zardoz_. The whole opening with the float-y head and, ahem, speech about 'evil' is one of my favorite sequences in film.)




Makes sense. You've got to be in some sort of altered state to follow it.


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## Tonguez (Mar 3, 2016)

Umbran said:


> For all you people seeking the nadir of moviedom... Zardoz?  Lawnmower Man?
> 
> Incoherent movies abound.




I may be one of the few people who likes Zardoz and indeed the story in Zardoz is far more comprehensible than Gods of Egypt.

really if GoE had the edge of Zardoz' social commentary or if they had included more porn it would at least have given it purpose.


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## trappedslider (Mar 3, 2016)

Umbran said:


> Anything made in the 80s has a 50%+ chance of being made when the director and/or major actors were on drugs.  That's nothing.




But King out right admitted he was coked out of his mind lol


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## Kramodlog (Mar 4, 2016)

The 80s was Hollywood on cocaine.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Mar 4, 2016)

ccs said:


> Robo-Vampire predates that, coming out a year(?) After Robocop.
> Looking it up your Knights movie sounds like it has a comprehensible  (if stupid) plot.




You're right- somehow I misread 1988 as 1998.  My bad!



> RV?  Not so much.
> Set in an '80s jungle, there's DEA style drug agents, necromancers, Chinese hopping vampires (one of wich wears a rubber gorilla mask), a scantily clad female ghost - who for no reason rips her top off late in the movie, flashbacks to an irrelivabt love stoey, the Robo hero is dressed in silver painted padded armor, TERRIBLE  effects/sound/stunts, inexplicable actions & diologue, and then it ends.
> They took several bad movies, mashed them together, & filled in some bits.
> I have this on a compilation disc (of other bad sci-fi).  The 1st time I saw it I was dead tired & fell asleep about 20m in.  It made no sense.  I woke up in time to catch the last 15m.  It made no sense.
> ...




Sounds bad...but not as bad as the others I listed, even though their plots may be more comprehensible.  (_The Room_, arguably is just as mind-numbingly muddled.)


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## Dannyalcatraz (Mar 4, 2016)

Umbran said:


> For all you people seeking the nadir of moviedom... Zardoz?  Lawnmower Man?
> 
> Incoherent movies abound.




Count me as another _Zardoz_ fan.  _Lawnmower Man_, though...it isn't bad enough to hate, or good enough to like.  It's not a movie, its a "meh"-vie.


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## horacethegrey (Mar 4, 2016)

I saw the trailer for this, and concluded it was an overbudgeted b-movie that would be good for a rental whenever I need a laugh. But man, this clip makes me think it's not even guilty pleasure material: 

[video=youtube;3kkS_JDBg3Q]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kkS_JDBg3Q[/video]

The effects already look pretty cheap, but did they have to layer it with such cringeworthy bad acting?! A poster at the NeoGAF forums remarked that this was probably directed by Tommy Wiseau. 

Also, director Alex Proyas is having a meltdown over the film's reception. Check out the original facebook post and news story below. 

https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=195699647463502&id=100010704046009

http://www.theguardian.com/film/201...x-proyas-calls-film-critics-diseased-vultures


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## Dannyalcatraz (Mar 4, 2016)

horacethegrey said:


> Also, director Alex Proyas is having a meltdown over the film's reception. Check out the original facebook post and news story below.
> 
> https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=195699647463502&id=100010704046009
> 
> http://www.theguardian.com/film/201...x-proyas-calls-film-critics-diseased-vultures




From that post:


> This time of course they have bigger axes to grind - they can rip into my movie while trying to make their mainly pale asses look so politically correct by screaming "white-wash!!!” like the deranged idiots they all are.




My not-so-pale ass decided many years ago to vote with my dollars and not spend it on movies that white-wash.  That he doesn't understand that issue so fundamentally speaks volumes.

That he's outraged over being called out on it for such a bad movie?  Well, that makes it _hilarious_.


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## Herschel (Mar 4, 2016)

Homicidal_Squirrel said:


> That sounds like the description of a porn movie.




Porn movies have better scripts.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Mar 4, 2016)

Not all, but some.






...so I hear.


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## Ryujin (Mar 4, 2016)

Dannyalcatraz said:


> My not-so-pale ass decided many years ago to vote with my dollars and not spend it on movies that white-wash.  That he doesn't understand that issue so fundamentally speaks volumes.
> 
> That he's outraged over being called out on it for such a bad movie?  Well, that makes it _hilarious_.




Undoubtedly his next movie will be a docudrama on the life of George Washington Carver, starring Liam Neeson.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Mar 4, 2016)

He's more of an action/Sci-Fi/fantasy guy, though.  Perhaps it will be a film about upsetting the Celestial Heirarchy of the Chinese heavens, starring the reunited cast of _Reservoir Dogs_.

I figure he just saw _Highlander_ one too many times- if Sean Connery can be an Egyptian, why not _anyone_?


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## Ryujin (Mar 4, 2016)

Dannyalcatraz said:


> He's more of an action/Sci-Fi/fantasy guy, though.  Perhaps it will be a film about upsetting the Celestial Heirarchy of the Chinese heavens, starring the reunited cast of _Reservoir Dogs_.
> 
> I figure he just saw _Highlander_ one too many times- if Sean Connery can be an Egyptian, why not _anyone_?




Oh, trust me, there WILL be aliens in "The Carver Story." And snakes. Big, fire breathing snakes.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Mar 4, 2016)

Ryujin said:


> Oh, trust me, there WILL be aliens in "The Carver Story." And snakes. Big, fire breathing snakes.



AH!  I see what you're getting at.

"I am a scientist with a very particular set of skills..."

And peanuts will be the world's salvation.


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## Ryujin (Mar 4, 2016)

Dannyalcatraz said:


> AH!  I see what you're getting at.
> 
> "I am a scientist with a very particular set of skills..."
> 
> And peanuts will be the world's salvation.




And "Cotton Gin" is the code name for a defence project; a CSA doomsday weapon left over from the Civil War. That evil Whitney guy!


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## Dannyalcatraz (Mar 4, 2016)

I just had a vision of the movie's climax- the alien commander being unable to issue battle commands because he has eaten a PB&H (peanut butter & human) without milk, and all of his tongues are stuck to the roofs of his mouths.


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## Ryujin (Mar 4, 2016)

Dannyalcatraz said:


> I just had a vision of the movie's climax- the alien commander being unable to issue battle commands because he has eaten a PB&H (peanut butter & human) without milk, and all of his tongues are stuck to the roofs of his mouths.




"PEANUT BUTTER! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!!!!"


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## Dannyalcatraz (Mar 4, 2016)

Ryujin said:


> "PEANUT BUTTER! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!!!!"




More like, 
"PEDUD BUDDUH! BY MONDY WEEGNEDZ!"


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## Homicidal_Squirrel (Mar 4, 2016)

Herschel said:


> Porn movies have better scripts.




That's not surprising. GoE is a Hollywood movie written lazily by people looking to capitalize on Nikolaj Coster-Waldau's and Gerard Butler's fame.


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## Hand of Evil (Mar 4, 2016)

Ryujin said:


> "PEANUT BUTTER! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!!!!"



George Washington Craver did not create/invent peanut butter.

Saw failure on with this movie from the first TV spot.  140m to make, then spent another 60m to advertise it.


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## Ryujin (Mar 4, 2016)

Homicidal_Squirrel said:


> That's not surprising. GoE is a Hollywood movie written lazily by people looking to capitalize on Nikolaj Coster-Waldau's and Gerard Butler's fame.




Well, to be fair, it was actually written by priests perhaps 6,000 years ago. All these screenwriters did was add some overly large cobras and some 'splosions. Yup, that's pretty lazy.


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## Ryujin (Mar 4, 2016)

Hand of Evil said:


> George Washington Craver did not create/invent peanut butter.
> 
> Saw failure on with this movie from the first TV spot.  140m to make, then spent another 60m to advertise it.




No, peanut butter came long before Carver (though he did make it). You're asking for historical accuracy from Hollywood? They've got giant, flame spitting cobras.

Giant.

Flame spitting.

Cobras.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Mar 5, 2016)

Hand of Evil said:


> George Washington Craver did not create/invent peanut butter.




True, but it is among the products he used as exemplars to sell farmers on the viability of peanut farming.


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## Homicidal_Squirrel (Mar 5, 2016)

Ryujin said:


> Well, to be fair, it was actually written by priests perhaps 6,000 years ago. All these screenwriters did was add some overly large cobras and some 'splosions. Yup, that's pretty lazy.



Regarding "splosions," they should just have had Michael Bay make this movie. He would have added Bayspolsions and hot girls. This movie would have made millions. Just look at what he did with the pile that is transformers. That guy is a freaking genius!


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## Ryujin (Mar 5, 2016)

Homicidal_Squirrel said:


> Regarding "splosions," they should just have had Michael Bay make this movie. He would have added Bayspolsions and hot girls. This movie would have made millions. Just look at what he did with the pile that is transformers. That guy is a freaking genius!




I should have noted that the BODY of the golem, in "The Carver Story", will be played by Megan Fox. I think that she qualifies as a construct by now.


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## Homicidal_Squirrel (Mar 5, 2016)

Ryujin said:


> I should have noted that the BODY of the golem, in "The Carver Story", will be played by Megan Fox. I think that she qualifies as a construct by now.



Still missing the Baysplosions.


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## Ryujin (Mar 5, 2016)

Homicidal_Squirrel said:


> Still missing the Baysplosions.




It's going in a different direction; JJFlares.


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## Dannyalcatraz (Mar 5, 2016)

Soundtrack by Buckethead, The Chemical Brothers, and Skunk Anansie.

Score by Danny Elfman.  Or Mark Mothersbaugh.


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## Tonguez (Mar 5, 2016)

Ryujin said:


> Well, to be fair, it was actually written by priests perhaps 6,000 years ago. All these screenwriters did was add some overly large cobras and some 'splosions. Yup, that's pretty lazy.




I'm calling BS on that one! Sure those priest may have done the original concept but they brought in new writers to tone it down for the PG rating. Just look at the Lettuce scene for instance. in the original lettuce is smeared with semen and is a central element of incestuous rape and domination between Set and Horus,  in the movie its a chance for magical negro Thoth to single handedly make up for whitewashing the rest of the pantheon.

I say more smeggy lettuce would have made the movie tolerable!


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## Ryujin (Mar 5, 2016)

Here's a spoilery review of of GoE. Some NSFW language. I like CBG19's reviews because, like me, she actually likes some bad movies precisely because they're bad, though I have disagreed with her on some (cough*Prometeus*cough).

[video=youtube;plc9FYCGTEI]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plc9FYCGTEI[/video]


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## Homicidal_Squirrel (Mar 6, 2016)

Ryujin said:


> It's going in a different direction; JJFlares.



That would have made Gods of Egypt an awesome movie by making it so no one could see the aborted fetus that was actually made.


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