# A test to review please post responses



## Eboe (Nov 3, 2005)

Here one for all of you to review please and let me know the mistakes you find grammatically. Its not that long and fairly simple 


"Escape!" Lady Marlee repeated, her voice shaking in fury. "You planned to escape and leave the rest of us to die?" I don't believe such cowardice. Not even of a wizard."

Thered kept firmly hold of Ironbeard's shoulder, pushed him roughly down the corridor toward the stairs.

"The dwarf is right, "Lady Marlee," he said in caustic tones. "We were planning to escape. Something any sensible person would do in this situation, be he wizard or dwarf or knight. As it turns out, we cant. We are stuck here with the rest of you. We will be heading for the hills with the rest of you. Or heading to our deaths, whichever the dragons decide. "Move along Ironbeard! This is no time for your chatter!"

"But your magic--" Lady Marlee persisted.
Thered rounded on her. "I have no magic!" he said savagely. "I have no more power to fight these monsters than this dawrf! Less perhaps, for his body is whole, whereas mine is broken."

He glared at her period. She glared at him, her face pale and chill. They had reached the stairs that wound through the various levels of the Dysaraa,stairs that had been crowded with people but were now empty. The residents of the Dysaraa had joined the throngs fleeing the dragons, hoping to find shelter in the hills. Thered could see them streaming toward the outer walls. If the dragons attacked now and the reds breathed their flames upon these terrified masses, the slaughter would be horrific.

"I assume you have other duties elsewhere, Lady Marlee," Thered said, turning his back on her. "Do not concern yourself with us."

"Trust me," she retorted, "I will not!"
Shoving past him, she ran down the stairs, her sword clanking at her side, her armor rattling.

"Hurry up," Thered ordered Ironbeard. "We'll lose ourselves in the crowd."

Gathering up the skirts of his robes, Thered ran down the stairs. Ironbeard followed, enjoying the excitement as only a dwarf can. The two exited the building, the last to do so. Just as Thered paused near the entryway to catch his breath and to determine which was the best way to go, one of the red dragons swooped low.


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## Funeris (Nov 3, 2005)

Well, first things first.  If no one has welcomed you to the Story Hour forum yet, let me be the first to do so.

Now, its a pretty decent little blurb.  And I'm curious as to what occured prior to the blurb...as well as what occurs after.

A few comments...

First paragraph, second sentence:  You don't need the quote mark after the period--because it seems as if she continues talking with the "I don't believe..." line.

Second paragraph, only sentence:  You may want to change pushed to pushing.  That or replace the comma with an 'and'.

Third paragraph, first sentence.  I'm not sure why there is a quote mark in front of Lady.  You should remove it.  Later in this paragraph you use the word _cant_ when it should be *can't*.  

You used 'said' three times when describing Thered speak.  Yet, it seems as if it is an argument occuring--not just a debate or friendly (and idle) chatter.  Maybe mix that up, give him some emotion, with screamed, yelled, bellowed or snarled.  I feel as if he really really needs to be offended...and it falls just short of that mark.

Well, that's all I'll comment on.  There might be a few other quirky errors in there...but eh.  At the very least, you received a comment and a bump 

So, is this just pure fiction or actually transcribed from a game?

I'd suggest running it through MS Word or some other program so that it will alert you to punctuation errors.  But if you use MS Word, I don't suggest you use the thesaurus...its atrocious (IMHO).

~Fune


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## Eboe (Nov 6, 2005)

*I cant believe it*

I cant believe that all you people read this and couldnt offer any sort of review ,,, that must mean its really good


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