# Married? Give me advice!



## Olive (Jan 17, 2005)

So I got married over a week ago. And so, given that there are a whole lot of  married people out there on ENWorld, I thought I'd see what you all had to say about marriage!

Post away...


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## Crothian (Jan 17, 2005)

Congrats!!  I have no advice to give.


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## king_ghidorah (Jan 17, 2005)

Well, I can give you the advice of someone recently divorced....   


Communicate honestly. Especially about the stuff that is hard to communicate honestly about.
Remember to maintain your separate lives. Don't expect her to be your only source of happiness and fulfillment, you will both grow to regret and resent that.
Learn when to compromise and when to stand your ground. Learn to acknowledge and face when you chose the wrong path.
Maintain 3 checking accounts- yours, hers, and a shared account. The shared account is for all your household bills. Your individual accounts are for your personal expenses.
Marriage is work. There is play there, too, and it's good work, but it won't work just because you love each other and have rings on your fingers.
Set aside time for each other. Remember to romance each other.
Set aside time for yourselves. Maintain separate lives so there is always something to share and discover.

I wish you the best. Marriage is a wonderful and rewarding relationship, and I hope you have a long-lasting relationship.


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## Krieg (Jan 17, 2005)

Hard to top what king_ghidorah said.

Just enjoy everything as much as you can right now & be sure to hold onto those memories when you go through the rough patch in a couple of years.


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## BOZ (Jan 17, 2005)

always listen to everything she has to say - at least, as much as you can stand it.


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## billd91 (Jan 17, 2005)

king_ghidorah said:
			
		

> Well, I can give you the advice of someone recently divorced....
> 
> 
> Communicate honestly. Especially about the stuff that is hard to communicate honestly about.
> .




Honesty, in general, is good but to quote Ray Romano "Honesty. Don't believe the hype." There are times when your spouse doesn't really want to need to hear what you think is the truth. Learn to recognize those times and when telling the truth will cause unnecessary pain. Necessary pain is one thing, unnecessary pain is another.

Try to resolve fights before you go to bed for the night. At the very least, arrive at a space where you can still share the bed even if there are unresolved issues. Do anything you need to, including swallowing your pride and apologizing first, to stay out of the guest room or off the couch. Don't let fights fester. 

Make sure you both agree on and stick to the family budget. Money issues cause fights like you wouldn't believe.


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## Teflon Billy (Jan 17, 2005)

Use it to learn the lessons that will make your _second _marriage so good  (works for me )


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## AdmundfortGeographer (Jan 17, 2005)

Some big ones:

Apologize when you are wrong, and *don't wait* to do it. You can't believe how important this *really* is. The act of apologizing is like applying mortar where cracks appear. Don't just assume the other "knows" you are sorry, go _say_ it.

Likewise, admit when you are wrong.

Don't try to "score points", how ever you do it. If anything quickly builds resentment to the other, it is this. If you see a perfect chance for oneupmanship against your spouse, resist.

Say "thank you". Regularly.

Show your appreciation, especially during moments when you aren't feeling it very strongly just then. Even going through the motions on this can get you both through the stretches of time when romance isn't there.

While each person needs to have their private life, this is not the same as an excuse to keep secrets from the other.

Be ready for sex when you're *not* in the mood, but the other is.


I could go on, but much of it becomes ever more focused towards specific situations.


Regards,
Eric Anondson


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## Dark Jezter (Jan 17, 2005)

I've never been married yet, nor am I engaged to be.  However, I can pass along some of the pointers given to me by my dad, a great man who has been married to the same woman for over 30 years and raised 3 children to adulthood.  Hopefully his wisdom can be of use to you.
Trust is the most important thing in a marriage.  Any romantic relationship where the particapants can't trust each other is destined to fail.
The ability to forgive and a sense of humor are important as well.
No matter how busy life becomes with jobs, children, hobbies, etc.  Try to set aside one night a week just for each other.  Go out to dinner, catch a movie, do something the two of you enjoy doing and forget about the stress of real life for an evening.
The most common issue that couples fight over is money.  Make sure that the two of you agree on a familiy budget and consult each other before any major expenditures.
Never say bad things about your spouse (or children) in front of others.  Also, let your spouse (and children) overhear you saying good things about them.
There will be tough times where you'll be tempted to call it quits, but remember that such problems are only temporary.  If you can work through the problems that inevitably arise in a marriage, your relationship will be strengthened as a result.
Anyways, congratulations on your recent marriage!  May you and your spouse enjoy many long years of happiness together.


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## Stone Angel (Jan 17, 2005)

Congrats I say. I don't know about marriage but I have been living with the same girl for five years now. This is what I have learned thus far. 

Money: Have an account for you have one for her that you each spend out of. Also make sure that you have an account for bills and such. That way if she wants to go out shopping or you want some new dnd books you won't fight about it because you are each spending your own money and there is still cash for bills.

Sex: I can't stress this enough. It is healthy and very theraputic. Sometimes there will be more than and sometimes less but this is a basic

Romance: You can't have one without the other most of the time

Communication: If you are married I am sure that you know your spouse well, but you have made a change in the relationship so you need to make sure that both of you are talking about how you feel even if it's brief and over dinner.

Alone time: Try to make it out with the guys once in a while and get an hour or so to yourself everyday. And she should likewise go out with her girls.


I wish the best of luck and once again I am happy for you.


The Seraph of Earth and Stone


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## astralpwka (Jan 17, 2005)

Marriage isn't 50%/50%. Both must give 100%.

Men: Every morning, apologize.  It doesn't matter if you don't know what you did. Women expect you to read their minds. 

Remember why you got married, and that your mate is another human being, not a possession. Look at your spouse every day and remind yourself why you fell in love.

Quote I heard a long time ago: "I Like you because.... I love you despite..." 

Be open with your sexual fantasies with each other and keep it fun. Too many of my married friends only have sexual relations once a month. (!!!) Come on, everyone knows we guys talk too much.  

There's no place for jealousy until there's reason for it. We are human, and we like to window-shop.

Don't. Forget. Anniversaries.

Don't talk bad about your inlaws.

Hold hands. Often. Be proud to be seen with each other.


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## Treebore (Jan 17, 2005)

I'm surprised at how good the advice has been.

My advice, listen to what has been said.


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## Nellisir (Jan 17, 2005)

Trust.  Always assume it's the two of you against the world.  Pick your battles, and LEAVE the ones you don't pick.

That's about all I can add.  My wife and I are very happy (well, I'm not happy at the moment, but it's because I'm in New Hampshire and she's in Texas, and I've been in Florida for the past week while she's in New Hampshire, and I'm sick of sleeping alone, so I unintentionally have not slept a wink all night tonight, and I have to go get on a plane to Texas in 2-1/2 hours).  

I can't speak for anyone else, but it's a little frightening to me sometimes how accurate the phrase "she completes me" is.  She's a logic-math-brain jock; I'm an intuition-writing-brain geek.  She pays the bills on time, and I write nasty letters to the companies that try and say we didn't pay on time.  She spends her time at the gym, the volleyball league, and coaching; I spend my time writing and working on the house.  She won't call people on the phone, and I can't make small talk at parties.

Congratulations
Nell.


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## hong (Jan 17, 2005)

Password protect your pr0n collection.


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## Psychic Warrior (Jan 17, 2005)

hong said:
			
		

> Password protect your pr0n collection.




Finally some practical advice!

Trust, honesty - bah!  Save the pr0n!   



Yes I am kidding and no I can't add to the excellent advice given here (and will start following some of it myself  )


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## johnsemlak (Jan 17, 2005)

Always remember that love transcends reason.  Sometimes, your loved one may become upset at you even when rationally there is no reason to be upset.  Try to be understanding of that.


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## Khairn (Jan 17, 2005)

If your wife is *not * a gamer then I have a few tips for you.

1. Plan out your gaming ahead of time so that she can make plans (for you and her) around that schedule.  If you game too often, recognize that and cut back.  I know its hard but it will be important to both your relationship and your sanity.

2. For everynight (or session) that you are gaming, plan that same amount of time for her and you to do whatever she wants to, whether that's cleaning, shopping or whatever.  Promote that idea, push it with her, and make certain she knows that you are thinking of her as much as you are thinking about gaming.  Whether that is true or not is completely irrevelant.  

3. Build up your HP's  (husband points) and use them for attending Con's or having the "gang" over for a weekend gaming session.

4. Congrats and have fun.


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## Turanil (Jan 17, 2005)

Olive said:
			
		

> I thought I'd see what you all had to say about marriage!



And then:


			
				Crothian said:
			
		

> I have no advice to give.



I think I am beginning to figure out how Crothian managed to post 24,000 times...   



			
				Teflon Billy said:
			
		

> Use it to learn the lessons that will make your second marriage so good (works for me )



LOL! Words of wisdom here!   



			
				astralpwka said:
			
		

> Too many of my married friends only have sexual relations once a month. (!!!)



 Don't tell him right now, he will learn by himself soon enough! (Sorry to disappoint you).


My own advice (and yes I have been married, and not in a hurry to do that a second time): *Communication!* Express your feeling and emotions. Don't keep bad emotions and feeling inside, it's bad on the long term. Of course it also apply to your wife: she also must express her emotions and feelings. Now, when it comes to anger and similar emotions, you must express them without aggression; you can scream, but keep it expressing your anger not attacking her. Oh well, there is a much excellent book on communication (and I have read many, so trust me this one is uber excellent):  Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion. (get a look at the reviews: only maximum ratings!). This book can greatly help anybody better communicate with others. When things get tough in marriage, it can really help.


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## Klaus (Jan 17, 2005)

Remember to always have the last word:

"Yes, dear..."


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## Naathez (Jan 17, 2005)

I've been married (that's not legally married, but we live together, and to me that's the same) for an year and 3 months and a half now.
I can honestly say the advice I've read on here is truly, truly, truly good. Many have stressed communication and honesty before me, so it's useless to re-emphasize. I'll add one little thing.

Try to never forget, not even for a moment, what it was like when you were NOT able to be together whenever you wanted. Having that possbility, to just look up and see your loved one whenever you desire, makes one (at least me) easily overcome many, many moments when you're angry, or upset.

Then again, i'm a hopeless romantic, of course. All bards are.


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## Turanil (Jan 17, 2005)

Naathez said:
			
		

> Then again, I'm a hopeless romantic, of course. All bards are.



 But you are Italian don't you?   

(BTW: I love Italian women...)


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## NewJeffCT (Jan 17, 2005)

Olive said:
			
		

> So I got married over a week ago. And so, given that there are a whole lot of  married people out there on ENWorld, I thought I'd see what you all had to say about marriage!
> 
> Post away...




Well, remember these things as a guy:
1) The wife is always correct
2) If you think your wife is wrong, see Rule #1

My advice is to take this idea semi-seriously at least.  Unless it is something extremely important (i.e., involves your family or hers, or money), don't get too worked up about it.  There are times where you have to stand your ground and argue back, but many times, it is just not worth a big blow up.  And, if you do argue, do your best not to go to bed mad.

Another good thing to say, "Honey, if you like it, I love it."  ;=)

And, as another person said above me, women expect you to read their minds and are disappointed when you cannot anticipate their every thought.  But, if you do anticipate things once in a while, they love it...

Edited to add - why are you asking this now?  Shouldn't you have asked it two weeks or a month ago?  Congratulations to you, and good luck.


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## Turanil (Jan 17, 2005)

NewJeffCT said:
			
		

> Well, remember these things as a guy:
> 1) The wife is always correct
> 2) If you think your wife is wrong, see Rule #1
> 
> My advice is to take this idea semi-seriously at least.  Unless it is something extremely important (i.e., involves your family or hers, or *money*)



 So, the next rule to remember about *money*: 
1) The wife is always wrong
2) If you think your wife is correct, see Rule #1


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## alsih2o (Jan 17, 2005)

Lots of things in life are going to SEEM important. Remember which one you took an oath about.


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## Turanil (Jan 17, 2005)

alsih2o said:
			
		

> Lots of things in life are going to SEEM important. Remember which one you took an oath about.



(i.e.: playing D&D every night of the week, whatever the wife may scream about it.)


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## Rel (Jan 17, 2005)

I know it's cliche, but:  Never go to bed angry.

Actually, it's ok to go to bed mad but don't go to sleep mad.  My wife and I have, in our 10 year marriage, gotten in bed angry on more than one occasion but neither of us can get to sleep when we're like that and we always end up discussing whatever is bothering us and blissfully holding each other when we fall asleep.

That reminds me:  Sleep naked.    There are myriad benefits to this that I won't enumerate.


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## Cthulhu's Librarian (Jan 17, 2005)

Cook dinner together at least once a week. Even if it's just making a quick salad. It gives you time to talk while working together on something. 

Eat as many meals as possible together, sitting at the table. 

Bring home flowers for no reason at all. 

You will have fights. Bad ones, on occasion. That's ok. Everyone fights, and you will get over it.  

Money is the thing you will probably fight the most over, so be sure to talk about it often. Don't hide your expenses or the things you buy. Better to get it out in the open early than to have her find it later and have to explain it then. 

Take a walk together a few times a week. Even if it's just a walk around the shopping mall (but outside is better). Hold hands while walking. 

Make some time for yourself, and time for her to be alone each week. Everyone needs a little breathing room. 

Rub her back, feet, whatever when she is tired after a long day at work, or sad. You'll be surprised at how much this will cheer her up.


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## Turanil (Jan 17, 2005)

Hum, I am supposed to phone to a client right now, but... can't resist procrastinate, so:



			
				Rel said:
			
		

> That reminds me: Sleep naked.  There are myriad benefits to this that I won't enumerate.



*PLUS:* 


			
				Cthulhu's Librarian said:
			
		

> Bring home flowers for no reason at all.



*GIVES YOU THE BEST ADVICE EVER:*
Bring home flowers _naked_, for "no reason at all": There are myriad benefits to this that I won't enumerate.  





			
				Cthulhu's Librarian said:
			
		

> Don't hide your expenses or the things you buy.



 Except gaming books of course.  


Okay: time to shutt off the computer.


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## der_kluge (Jan 17, 2005)

Obviously most of the advice here is from the guy's perspective.  Olive is a chic, last I knew.  

Still, most of it applies.

BTW, the latest issue of Cosmo has "advanced sexual positions" on pg. 130.  My wife picked that up for us at the grocery store yesterday.  Aren't I a lucky bastard?


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## Cthulhu's Librarian (Jan 17, 2005)

die_kluge said:
			
		

> BTW, the latest issue of Cosmo has "advanced sexual positions" on pg. 130.  My wife picked that up for us at the grocery store yesterday.  Aren't I a lucky bastard?




If you want to give that kind of recommendation, you can't beat _The Guide to Getting It On!: The Universe's Coolest and Most Informative Book About Sex for Adults of All Ages_ from Goofy Foot Press. 
Best. Couples. Book. Ever! 
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...f=sr_1_1/002-4348101-6309663?v=glance&s=books


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## Turanil (Jan 17, 2005)

die_kluge said:
			
		

> Olive is a chic, last I knew.



 Really?   




			
				die_kluge said:
			
		

> BTW, the latest issue of Cosmo has "advanced sexual positions" on pg. 130.  My wife picked that up for us at the grocery store yesterday.  Aren't I a lucky bastard?



*Indeed you are!!*


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## Old One (Jan 17, 2005)

*Hehe...*



			
				Teflon Billy said:
			
		

> Use it to learn the lessons that will make your _second _marriage so good  (works for me )




Teflon Billy - Sage and Muse   !

~ OO


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## Mercule (Jan 17, 2005)

I feel like I've learned a few things after 10 years of marriage and a couple of kids.

The best advice I ever got was, "Love is not an emotion.  It is an act of will."  Sounds cryptic and cute, but it's very valid.  You've made a decision that you will occasionally question.  Not every moment will be a longing gaze.  You will get madder at your spouse than you could have ever conceived of being at anyone.  You've set a priority and you will be tested on it.  You need to decide to stick with it.  Period.

Always communicate with your spouse.  There is an understanding among my friends that if the husband knows some secret, the wife will, too -- and vice versa.  Anyone who objects to that can take a hike.  Secrets poison both communication and trust.  Avoid them, no matter what (surprise parties/gifts are the only exception to this).  It doesn't matter whether your spouse find out about the secret or not -- it creates a divide in your mind and contributes to the way you think about your spouse.

Kids:  If kids are ever part of the equation, you must place the marriage relationship as a higher priority than the parental relationship.  The way a marriage functions impacts the way you raise your kids, and a good marriage can only help.  Never ask the child, "What did your mother say?"  Go find out yourself.  Communicate about how you raise the kids.  Be consistant between the two of you.  A rule is a rule whether it's mom or dad talking.  If you disagree with a call your spouse makes, talk about it in private afterwards.  Let your kids see you kiss.  Let your kids hear you compliment your spouse often.  Let your kids hear you tell your spouse that you love him/her.

My wife and I sit down for about an hour every Sunday night and plan out our week.  We are aware of what each other wants to get done and what our priorites (mutual and individual) are.  We schedule time for us and for the kids (these two are too easy to forget while putting out fires).  Time is scheduled for me to do my DM prep work.  And time is allocated for whatever else may need to happen.  I cannot recommend this enough.  It's a time devoted to communication, planning, understanding, and prioritizing and that is the sort of thing that builds a strong marriage.  My wife and I can always tell when we have missed a Sunday night plan because we just feel out of joint for the whole week and we have more fights.

Different people express love in different ways.  Find out what makes your spouse feel loved and do it, no matter how forced it seems or how weird you think it is -- and do it joyfully and without resentment (remember "act of will"?).  For example, my wife is huge on me helping around the house.  I tend to be the sort of person who assumes people will ask if they want help.  Not that I'm lazy, just that I'm naturally a "oh, she's got it handled" mentality if I see her working on something and expect to be left alone if I'm working on something.  I've had to consciously change the way I think, just to be able to recognize ways I can lend a hand -- and it's paid off rather well.  I'd recommend picking up the book "The Five Love Languages".

That brings up another good idea.  Keep trying to learn more about how to strengthen your marriage.  Especially, read some books about marriage.  My wife and I have a shelf filled with books on marriage and we've read every book on it -- multiple times.  Those books are highlighted, too -- actually I read them more actively than I did my college texts.  It's not a marriage book, but Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" isn't a bad place to start -- and it has numerous other benefits.  Make sure that anything you read shows respect to both members of a relationship -- if it tears down your spouse in any way, shape, or form, throw it in the trash.

A related caution.  Never try to change your spouse.  They are what they are, and you've agreed to love them that way.  If something needs to change in your marriage, the only safe thing to change is you.  Hopefully, your spouse is on board with the idea of actually working on your marriage, too.  Oh, and I'm not saying that you should be a bootlicker, either, just that you should seek to hold up your end of the marriage as well as possible.

Finally, never say anything insulting to or about your spouse.  Always, always, always build them up as much as you can.  Whether you are speaking well or poorly of them, it will reflect similarly on you.  And it will contribute to the way you think about them.  This goes doubly for conversations you have with your kids (or your parents).  Men should never call their wife, "The old lady", "the boss", or anything similar.  Wives have similar expressions to avoid.  And a want to deck anyone who talks about a "honey do list" -- you should be setting priorities as a couple.

Yeah, I talked about problems a lot.  Mostly, marriage is fun, though.  You'll figure most of that out on your own, though.  Just treat your spouse like their are your center of gravity and you'll never lack for strength.


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## Henry (Jan 17, 2005)

All I can say is that most of this advice from my perspective is spot-on: I'm a veteran of 11 years of married bliss, myself. 

-Expect to fight.
-Expect to fight over trivial things as well as serious - chances are it's got something serious behind it.
-Never forget to love each other, and go out on dates.
-Love is an act of will (I like that, Mercule - quite profound, and I've heard it other ways, too).
-Be honest. Don't fret about a tiny lie here or there, but if it's something bigger than, "I love it when you leave the toilet seat up" or "I don't want to watch that movie", then talk to your spouse about it.
-Physical intimacy will cycle up and down as time goes on, given the hectic nature of real life. However, as long as you are mindful of it overall, you'll know if something's wrong or not.


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## Abstraction (Jan 17, 2005)

Split the housework. You each have your own chores to do. You then each have a choice. You can be happy with the way the other person does his/her chores, or you can do it yourself. There is no nagging somebody to do it right or, even worse, walking behind him/her and doing it over.

Yes, you know that you're right and he's wrong. Be the first to apologize anyway.

You do not have any entitlements. You are not entitled to have somebody else replace the toilet roll for you, or hang up your towel or do anything else for you. If you do need a favor, then a please and thank you will be required. Likewise, you are not entitled to take out any bad feelings on your mate, even if he/she is the cause.

Nobody will change for you. You can accept them for what they are, or don't. They may or may not change for themselves.

There is no such thing as saying "I love you" too much.

Do the thing that makes him/her really happy/content, and do it without being asked.

I disagree about the separate money thing. Let the person who needs to be involved in bill paying pay the bills and the other person not worry about it at all. I hand my check to my wife every week and let her sort it out. There is no reason two people need to stress and argue about bills.

Have a budget. Have allowances. Spend no money on eating out or entertainment unless it comes out of your allowance.


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## barsoomcore (Jan 17, 2005)

Pretty much everything important has already been said, but I'll add one more comment:

Remind yourself that you wanted this, that you swore an oath to make this work. There was probably a really really good reason why you did that, and in those moments where you say to yourself, "What am I DOING?" (and those moments will come, I promise you), recall those reasons, and remember that they haven't gone away. Make it work. You'll be glad you did.

Remember also that your marriage, your relationship, is a thing in and of itself. It's not just you and your spouse: it's you, your spouse, and your marriage. Spend time on each one. Spend time on yourself and making sure you're happy and fulfilled and getting what you need. Spend time on your spouse and making sure they're happy and fulfilled and getting what they need. Spend time on your marriage and making sure it's happy and fulfilled and getting what it needs. Those are each different activities, and you've signed up for all of them.

Oh, and have fun. It's like playing D&D: If everybody's not having fun, you're doing it wrong.


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## Blue_Kryptonite (Jan 17, 2005)

I'll echo that a lot of the above (silly Italians and Aussies aside    ). I've been married for 20 years, and we're a very atypical couple. She's more the husband and I'm more the wife in all this. We're both Geeks and long term gamers. I'm the Picard fan, she prefers Kirk. I'm the narrator, she's the Hack and Slasher. She's also makeup-free and farm stock butch a lot of the time, coming from a similar incredible Pennsylvania Dutch family of strong women. 

From our perspective, here's a few things I can spotlight:

-  Sex. Once a month is OK. But foreplay is essential. Consider a week without sex OK, but  only if it includes making out and heavy petting.  Sex every day or more often is fine too, if schedule and health permit. There's no too much, and no too little if intamacy is maintained. Your honeymoon really never does have to end. Two decades with two teenaged kids here, and we still disgust them in public by holding hands, giggling, and sneaking kisses. 

- Money. In our case, we've always had just one income. No three-checkbook system. Purchases are discussed openly, and decided upon together. The budget and bills are done as a couples activity.

- Personal Space and fights. The best advice: Get over it, after a bit. Make sure there's a place you retreat to with nothing he needs, and vice versa. Spell this out in advance. She goes to the bedroom when she's angry and reads or watches cable. She closes the door. When its open, we can talk.  I stay here at my computer. 

You don't have to be angry to be apart, just agree on a code word. "I'm going to be in my room" is a good one for her. If she says that, she just wants some quiet time, and I stay here. (The bedroom may not work if you keep up the laundry instead of having sort of folded bins of it by the couch like us.  )

 - Personal Interests. She's into reading romance novels with country music on. I'm into First-person shooters with some fairly hard metal on. We do not share these hobbies. Two pairs of headphones and we're ten feet from each other, enjoying our seperate hobbies together. 

- Shared interests. You probably have this one down, since you ended up married. Take part of every day to do your things together. Even if its one TV show, or reading each other shared articles  of common interest from your computers. Ours include those, as well as shopping, even without spending anything. 

- In the end, all the marriages I've known that went as long as ours and longer seem to follow a recipie of one part best friend, one part lover, and never forgetting why you fell in love in the first place. If you can look at him every morning and always feel like you're seeing him for the first time again, if every kiss still has a small spark, you've got it. 

Edit: An important one I let slip in the typing frenzy...

Rituals! Find something that you've done three or four times and that brings a smile. Make it a ritual. Assign the importance of ritual to it when you do it. If you don't do it on occasion, and this is important, _realize you forgot to do it_, and *let yourself feel as happy and warm as if you had beacuse you usually do*. We have dozens of tiny little meaningless rituals we do. They bring us closer together, even when we remember we forgot to do them.


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## Rel (Jan 17, 2005)

Mercule said:
			
		

> Different people express love in different ways.  Find out what makes your spouse feel loved and do it, no matter how forced it seems or how weird you think it is -- and do it joyfully and without resentment (remember "act of will"?).  For example, my wife is huge on me helping around the house.  I tend to be the sort of person who assumes people will ask if they want help.  Not that I'm lazy, just that I'm naturally a "oh, she's got it handled" mentality if I see her working on something and expect to be left alone if I'm working on something.  I've had to consciously change the way I think, just to be able to recognize ways I can lend a hand -- and it's paid off rather well.  I'd recommend picking up the book "The Five Love Languages".




W3rd.

Another specific thing came to mind that my wife and I discussed recently:  Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.  Always.

If you ask, "How about I cook pork chops for dinner tonight." and they respond, "I'm more in the mood for chicken I think." then it probably doesn't mean, "I think your cooking sucks and I never want to eat it again!"  What it probably means is that they were just more in the mood for chicken.  Consider that before you start an argument about how unappreciated you are.  Even if you're in a bad mood.

And, speaking of bad moods, if you're in one then hopefully your spouse will do things to try and comfort and make you feel better.  If they don't then it probably doesn't mean, "I really don't care much about you and you probably deserve to feel like crap right now and that's why I'm not comforting you."  It probably means that they just haven't recognized that you need a little extra TLC right now.  The best policy (IMHO) is, right when you walk in the door, say, "Well, I'm in a bad mood."  You'll get a better resonse that way rather than relying upon the time tested (and failed) method of hoping they guess what you're thinking.  In my experience, women do that a bit more often than men.

What we men do on the other hand is to utterly fail to understand the difference between when our wives want something fixed and when they just want us to listen.  When they say, "The darn Check Engine Light came on in my car on the way home and I'm concerned." it probably means that they want that fixed.  When they say, "My boss is treating me like crap.", the correct response is probably not "Well, I'll just go kill him then.  Be right back."  She probably just wants you to listen and not to try and fix it.

IMPORTANT ADDENDUM:  If any or all of the advice in this thread doesn't seem to work for you and your marriage is otherwise happy, don't try and fix it.  Gaming and marriage are very much alike in one respect - If everybody is having fun then you are not doing it "wrong".  Don't let anyone else tell you differently.


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## Wonger (Jan 17, 2005)

Run.


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## Greylock (Jan 17, 2005)

Olive said:
			
		

> So I got married over a week ago... I thought I'd see what you all had to say about marriage!




Well, any advice I could give is over a week too late. 

Congrats, good luck, enjoy the ride of your life.


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## Thornir Alekeg (Jan 17, 2005)

As other said, most of the advice here is very good.  As another 11 year veteran, I'll add that some of the advice that is put out as gospel; "NEVER do this, ALWAYS do that," may not be true for any one couple's marriage.  Keep that in mind whenever someone is giving you advice on your marriage.  What works for one couple may not work for you.

Unlike some people, in my marriage, the issue most fought over is not money, it is time.  We don't keep separate accounts, money decisions are made together (my wife often deferring to me since I have a better sense for the budgeting, but I always explain the decision).  But when it comes to time, especially now that we have kids, that is where the stress builds up.  We both have so much to do, the kids need time, the house needs time, work, classes, there is little left for individual time and together time is often sacrificed for the greater need for sleep.  We try and do something before it reaches critical mass, but sometimes things boil over.

Keep the communications going.  Recognize that when one of you says something hurtful to the other, it is probably because they are having a bad day and try not to retaliate (if this happens all the time, then there may be other issues).  Be sincere in apologizing and gracious in accepting apologies.

 Oh, and I would disagree about Mercule's 







> Never ask the child, "What did your mother say?" Go find out yourself.



 But that is another issue entirely.


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## Olive (Jan 17, 2005)

Wow.  That's a fair number of posts over night. Thanks for the advice guys.

This is pretty much what I already knew We've lived together for over three ears now, and marriage was about formalising a relationship that alrady existed for us. The main difference so far has been wearing a ring!

Hopefully the 4 year relationship I had prevously was the 'first marriage' TB and a few others said to use as practise!

Oh yeah, for the record I'm a guy. Olive is a fairly feminine name I guess, but I guess that's the problem with using your female character's name as a username.


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## JoeBlank (Jan 17, 2005)

I started reading this thread with a lot to say, but so many have said it as well as I could, or better. 

 My situation is similar to yours in that we lived together for a few years before formalizing the situation. In our minds and hearts, we were already married, we just had a ceremony in front of our family, friends and God. Twelve plus years and three sons, still going strong.

 A few points I picked up on that work for us: Eat dinner together, and turn the idiot box off. This is even more important if you have kids. It creates time for conversation and family togetherness.

  Trust, and benefit of the doubt are biggies for us too. 

  And, as with all the people in your life of importance, express your love often, in words and otherwise.

 Congrats and best of luck. I hereby decicate my 1000th post to all married EN Worlders, especially those who are taking the time to offer advice here. Marriage is a wonderful institution, enjoy it.


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## Rel (Jan 17, 2005)

I figured I'd mention something that you didn't ask about, Olive, because I think it factors in heavily to the issue of marriage and having a stable, good one.  What follows is purely my opinion but it is backed up by most of the people who I've discussed the issue with.

If you've been in a relationship with someone for a lengthy period (a couple years or more), whether you're living together or not, marriage is probably not a huge adjustment.  Certainly there are some different considerations about things like how you handle finances and household chores and such.  But the relationship is fundamentally similar to the way it was before.

What really takes an adjustment is having kids.  All of a sudden you have this completely helpless person who relies upon you for EVERYTHING.  And EVERYTHING is exactly what you seem to have less of too.  Less time, less money, less patience and a hell of a lot less sleep.  Fortunately (for the entire human race) babies are adorable and none is more adorable than your own.  You will never love anything like you love that child.  It is a soul-wrenching, terrifying kind of love for something that you simply cannot stand the thought of losing.  And it is wonderful.

But it is also a stressor.  That love and devotion you have for your child can also drive somewhat of a wedge between you and your spouse if you're not careful.  Differences in the way you parent the child, differences in your hopes and dreams for the child and certainly differences in the way the child behaves toward you all seem to highlight the the ways you and your spouse are not alike.  I won't write a book about it here but there are plenty of them out there on the subject.

This is the point where some of the earlier advice by Mercule really rings true.  You have got to figure out a way to keep your marital relationship with your spouse foremost with all of the other pressures that having a child entail.  If you lose sight of the original relationship that your children sprang from (and, as barsoomcore said, it is a thing unto itself) then it will wither and die and it is a hell of a lot more difficult to bring it back from the dead later than it is to do some preventive maintenance on it now.

I've navigated these tricky waters myself over the last few years and my wife and I have managed to come out of the whole thing intact if not unscathed.  Our marriage is as happy now as it ever has been and our cup truly doth runneth over.  But I wish somebody had pounded this point home with me so I had been a bit more careful along the way.


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## Turanil (Jan 18, 2005)

Hum, strangely enough, in reading all the *good* advice given in this thread, I realize that I want to never get married again. NEVER!  



(Sex only once per month? Tssss...  :\  )


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## barsoomcore (Jan 18, 2005)

I never want to get married again, either. I mean, ONE wife is quite enough, I think.


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## Plane Sailing (Jan 18, 2005)

I particularly endorse Rel's points about children.

One of the things that I think it was most important for me to realise is that Jo and I don't necessarily think the same way.

It looks really obvious when I write it down, but honestly, there are all kinds of things where I assumed that she would think or act in a similar way to me (without thinking about it) and vice versa. Some might think it hackneyed, but we both found John Grays book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" a real eye-opener about how the other sex thinks... we might not even have got through the engagement without some of the help in there!

Anyway, best wishes mate!


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## Queen_Dopplepopolis (Jan 18, 2005)

Congratulations!

The advice I can give you in just to Love each other... big L.  Tell her you Love her as often as possible - email, call, text message, anything.  It's important.  Talk to each other all the time.  When you lay in bed at night, snuggle... the naked sleeping is really a plus, too.  

Those are the little things that I really enjoy about my marriage... at least the ones that I am most appreciative of this evening.


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## Jedidiah (Jan 18, 2005)

Things to know about marriage from a guy who has been happily married for 15 years now:

1. Women are crazy. Deal with it. If they say they have a problem, that doesn't mean they want you to solve it. They just want to talk about it. They can be jealous, you can't. Mood swings are natural. 

2. You are not in charge. Yes, this means you have put an insane person in charge of your life, but tough crap - you're married now.

3. It is the husbands job to resolve conflict in the marriage. It matters not one bit who was right and who was wrong. You said something, did something, thought something that was wrong so go ahead and say you are sorry. Try to do it sooner rather than later so conflicts don't get out of hand.

4. Stay in love with your wife. This doesn't mean some mealy romantic, giggly, weak knees love. But a real love that says you want to be with her forever, through the crap and through the good times. It takes work!

5. Keep your pants zipped. Don't cheat on your wife. Don't put yourself in situations where you might be tempted to cheat. Don't let yourself get into a position that could be miscontrued as cheating. Never (if at all possible) be alone with a female other than your wife in a car, over a meal, or any other place. In my line of work this is not always possible but I always make sure my wife knows where I am and who I am with so there is no possibility of a misunderstanding. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF ALL!


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## Olive (Jan 18, 2005)

Jedidiah said:
			
		

> Never (if at all possible) be alone with a female other than your wife in a car, over a meal, or any other place.




Have ypu cnsidered the idea that your wife miht be crazy rather than women in general? I have piles of female friends, and my partner has never even voiced the idea that I might be cheating onher with anyone of them.


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## Allanon (Jan 18, 2005)

Never change aspects about yourself she doesn't like because you have too, only change them because you want too.

Anytime you try to be something you are not is a time in which you are creating friction, friction that will effect your relationship. Never forget she fell in love with you despite your shortcomings, living together/marriage should never force you too suddenly hide or remedy all those shortcomings. They as much a part of you as she is. I learned this one the hard way. My current girlfriend accepts my pro's and my con's just as I accept hers. And my relationship is so much the better for it.


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## der_kluge (Jan 18, 2005)

Olive said:
			
		

> Oh yeah, for the record I'm a guy. Olive is a fairly feminine name I guess, but I guess that's the problem with using your female character's name as a username.




Jesus. Everything I know is wrong.


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## Turanil (Jan 18, 2005)

die_kluge said:
			
		

> Jesus. Everything I know is wrong.



Is this a quote?    (Sorry if I entered the forbidden field of religious discussions)


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## MrFilthyIke (Jan 19, 2005)

Communication.  Laughter.  Love.  And for the love of the gods, have at least SOME similar interests between the two of you.

Shane, married 5 years in Feb 05 to a beautiful dork/geek-ette.


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