# Belief- A Short Story to be Critiqued



## ConnorSB (Jan 21, 2004)

Hi! I'm Connor, I'm a high school senior, and this is the story I wrote for my midterm project in my Creative Writing course. I've self editted it, I'm had my teacher look at it, and (as part of the assignment) a group of my fellow students "workshoped" it, which was basically a round table discussion where I could only listen, not talk, as they discussed my story.

Suffice to say, what you are about to read is draft 5 or 6, and I still don't quite like it, so I'm posting it here in case anyone wants to take a look at it and tell me what they think.

One Caveat: The story discusses religion (one specific aspect), but Morrus already gave me the OK to post it (see this thread: CLICK HERE ), as long as discussion stays along the lines of "what do I like/hate about the story", not "I object/agree with this story's statement."

Anyway, here it is:

*"Belief"*

“I need to be there in 20 minutes,” Ember muffled through the door. “I’ll be ready in five.”

Brogan got his shoes on and found his keys. He put his wallet in his pocket.

Brogan always brought his wallet when he left the house. He had watched far too much CSI not to always carry ID, just, you know, in case of things. Things, that was a good euphemism for them, he thought.

“I’ll be in the car, Ember.” He grabbed the new Chieftain’s CD from his shelf, and tromped through the house and out the door. He got in the car, put the keys in, twisted them to the accessory setting, and put the CD in.

_And still she cried, "I love him the best
And a troubled mind sure can know no rest"
And still she cried, "Bonny boys are few
And if my love leaves me what will I do"_

Ember took too long. There were but thirteen minutes left until service when she finally got into the car and closed the door. She was dressed to the nines, blouse and skirt and shoes all shiny and new and spotless. 

She turned the CD off. “I don’t like your music,” she acquiesced.

Brogan started the engine and backed out. He had to turn to get out, swinging wide and half pausing for whatever pedestrians might be on the sidewalk. He got out successfully, put it into drive, and accelerated.

The street dropped down a hill to reach the main road, and there was an awkward stoplight there. Brogan saw that light every day going to school, and knew its movements like those of a lover. This light changed _like so_, that light changed _thusly_, and then the yellow for those bound for downtown assured him an empty intersection and a clean right turn into the leftmost lane. The headlights of a dozen idling cars lit up the intersection as he turned so. It was a busy night. Brogan watched as across the intersection a jeep ran the red, going the other way. Jerks, he thought.

Now they were on Market street, which shot straight past the old folks in their condos, and the Eucalyptus that had fallen the other day, and crossed Blue Sky Road. Market street was reasonably full- it was rush hour and Blue Sky Road, which intersected Market a few hundred feet ahead, was a major freeway off ramp. The cars were spread thick on the pavement ahead. Ember’s church was a left turn onto Blue Sky, which would take them away from the freeway and hopefully into less traffic. Brogan moved into the turn lane as it broke from his current one. Just before the intersection, a car skittered into his lane, its break lights darting like hornets. Brogan was ready for such tomfoolery, however, and had already slowed.

“God Damn Mongolians.”

“Broge, I don’t think that guy is Mongolian,” his sister subdued.

Brogen sighed. “Its just  an expression, Em. Like ‘salvodorican bastard.’ "

“Why do you keep bringing that up? Salvodoreco isn’t a country. You just pretend it is so you can be funny.”

He turned to her. “What, you don’t like my fake Salvodorican accent? _What! You think I’m from Mexico! F’ you! I’m Salvadorican! I knife you in the face! We have nine kinds of knives on Salvodorico! But to kill you, I’ll only use two!_”

“Green.” The word fell from her mouth like a plate.

“What? Oh.”

He gunned it, accelerating into the turn. In front of Brogan, the taillights snaked off into the distance like the fiery rivers of hell. The traffic appeared to be getting worse, not better. They curved down passed the golf course, across the bridge, past another stop light, and into the straight part of Blue Sky Road that marked the edge of the local campus.

The road was wide and straight and packed with traffic, and the cars sped along like buckshot from a barrel, fueled by the mad need to get somewhere, anywhere. Brogan couldn’t agree more.

One, two, three greens flashed by. The fourth was red. “F’ers.”

“Could you please!” she sighed.

His eyes blasted needles at her. “Am I offending you? Is it against your religion to swear?”

“Just because you don’t believe-"

He finished for her “-mean’s I automatically go to hell. So why not swear?”

“It’s rude.”

“Well, I’m going to hell anyway, aren’t I?”

“No, Broge. Don’t say that.” She looked out the window. A man in a suit was on his cell phone in the next car over. Corporate bastard, she thought.

“It’s true though, isn’t it? That’s what your pastor says?”

She looked back and whispered, “Yes. He says that.”

No one spoke. Suddenly, violently, Ember shot her hand out to the radio, turning it on.

_Take a deep a breath and exhale your ex male friend, boyfriend was boring as hell
Now let me listen to the stories you tell and we can make moves like a person in jail._

“Could you not?” he singsang.

“Oh.” She changed it: country, rock, rap again, settling back to rock. She pressed most of the buttons, hunting for the tunes like a hen pecking for corn. Poke-nope-push-nope-peck-yes. It was a quiet song, from one of those frail but strong kinds of women, the kind that play the piano and try to be forward thinking and embrace their femininity in a ballsy sort of way:

_When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear-_

“F’ you!” Brogan shouted, pointing his middle finger at the Honda in front of him. “Monkey spittle bastard!”

“That doesn’t help Broge,” she sighed.

“Yes it does. F’ you CAR!” he shouted, and the light turned.

He whipped his head towards Ember and back to the road. “See?”

“Sure Broge.”

It was quiet again. They sped on through the night. Brogan turned a few more times, left or right. There were more lights, red and green and orange, and Brogan followed their direction, but didn’t really see them anymore. Ember stared out the window, searching the dark. All the while, it was quiet between them.

Finally, Brogan cut the emptiness. “You know what I don’t get?”

Ember leaned back against the seat. Her lips moved dully. “What?”

“Would you say that, statistically, everyone has about the same amount of belief?”

“What?”

“Like, If you could quantify it, everyone has about the same belief in something, right? Its just different for everyone. What they choose to believe in.”

She turned to him. “Broge, I don’t think it is a choice. Not a mortal one.”

“And that’s your belief, and I respect that.”

“Thank you.”

“So why, dear sister, am I not allowed belief in nothing.”

“That’s not good grammar.”

He tapped the break, as they were coming to a stoplight. “Yes it is. I have a stoic and solemn belief in absolute nothingness. There is no god for me, no afterlife, no heaven, no hell, just nothing.”

Ember’s fists clenched. “Don’t say that, Broge! You’re going to go to hell if you keep denying God’s existence.”

Brogan hit the steering wheel with his palm. “That’s just it, Em! Who gave you the right to say that? If everyone’s belief is equal, how come you can just arbitrate other people’s destinies?”

“Its not up to me, its up to God.”

“Dammit, Ember, that’s a copout and you know it. All I’m saying is that if everyone has the right to believe in what they want, it isn’t fair for one religion to deny other ones.”

“God doesn’t deny anything. I support Jews, Muslims, Hindus, everyone.”

“But they don’t believe, so they are going to go to hell.”

She sighed. “That’s my belief.”

He looked at her. “Isn’t that a little presumptuous of god? Of you?”

She was quiet. He looked at the clock. They were late. He looked at her. Ember stared straight ahead, tears dripping from her eyes like dew.

”Green.”


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## Hypersmurf (Jan 21, 2004)

ConnorSB said:
			
		

> I'm posting it here in case anyone wants to take a look at it and tell me what they think.




I'm going to make a basic spelling and grammar pass, okay?



> “I need to be there in *20* minutes,” Ember *muffled* through the door. “I’ll be ready in *five*.”



Inconsistency between "20" and "five" - pick one, and stick with it.  My preference is usually to spell numbers out except under certain circumstances.

Is using "muffle" in that fashion a conscious choice?  It's not usually an intransitive verb  



> Brogan always brought his wallet when he left the house. He had watched far too much *CSI* not to always carry ID, just, you know, in case of things. *Things, that was a good euphemism for them*, he thought.



I'd personally be inclined to put both of these in italics - the first, as a title, and the second to indicate which part of the sentence is being "thought"... like you'd put dialogue in speech marks.



> “I’ll be in the car, Ember.” He grabbed the new *Chieftain’s* CD...



No apostrophe.  _Chieftains_. 

Again, I'd put it in italics, but that might just be me 



> Ember took too long. There were *but* thirteen minutes left until service when she finally got into the car and closed the door.



That's not _incorrect_, but it jars - like having someone suddenly say "thee" in the middle of a sentence.  I'd go with "only".



> She turned the CD off. “I don’t like your music,” she *acquiesced*.



You keep a-using that word.  I do no' think it means what you think it means.



> Brogan started the engine and backed out. He had to turn to get out, swinging wide and half pausing for *whatever pedestrians* might be on the sidewalk.



I'd go with "for any pedestrians who might".



> This light changed _like so_, that light changed _thusly_, and then the yellow for those bound for downtown assured him an empty intersection and a clean right turn into the leftmost lane. The headlights of a dozen idling cars lit up the intersection as *he turned so*.



Again, it jars... 

"as he turned", or maybe "as he did so", or "as he made the turn"... "as he turned so" doesn't quite... flow, for me.



> Brogan watched as across the intersection a jeep ran the red, going the other way. *Jerks*, he thought.



If you decide to go with italics for thoughts, then this one needs them as well.



> Now they were on *Market street*, which shot straight past the old folks in their condos, and the Eucalyptus that had fallen the other day, *and crossed* Blue Sky Road.



Market Street needs to be capitalised.

"and the Eucalyptus... and crossed" is awkward.  "to cross Blue Sky Road" works better for me.



> *Market street* was reasonably *full-* it was rush hour and Blue Sky Road, *which intersected Market a few hundred feet ahead*, was a major freeway *off ramp.*



Capital on Street again.

I'd use a semicolon after full.

You've just told us in the previous sentence that Market crosses Blue Sky - I'd leave out the "which intersected... ahead" clause altogether.

"offramp" or "off-ramp".



> “Broge, I don’t think that guy is Mongolian,” his sister *subdued*.



"soothed", maybe?  Again, the word doesn't really mean what you're trying to say.



> Brogen sighed. “*Its* just  an expression, Em.



"It's".  A contraction needs an apostrophe.



> Like ‘*salvodorican* bastard.’ "
> 
> “Why do you keep bringing that up? *Salvodoreco* isn’t a country. You just pretend it is so you can be funny.”
> 
> He turned to her. “What, you don’t like my fake *Salvodorican* accent? _What! You think I’m from Mexico! F’ you! I’m *Salvadorican*! I knife you in the face! We have nine kinds of knives on *Salvodorico*! But to kill you, I’ll only use two!_”



Consistency in spelling.

Is it Salvodor*e*co or Salvodor*i*co? Salv*o*dorican or Salv*a*dorican? And, obviously, it needs to be capitalised.



> They curved down *passed* the golf course...



"past".



> He finished for her “-*mean’s* I automatically go to hell. So why not swear?”



No apostrophe.



> “No, Broge. Don’t say that.” She looked out the window. A man in a suit was on his cell phone in the next car over. *Corporate bastard, she thought.*



Well, I'm going to slip out of grammar and spelling mode a moment.

This threw me a little when I was reading the story.  It felt odd to suddenly see inside Ember's head, when we've been seeing everything through Brogan's eyes until now.  I think if you can express this as something Brogan can observe - either she mutters, or he notes her expression, or something like that... rather than describing what Ember's _thinking_, then you maintain a consistent viewpoint.

Maybe one of the writers can chime in on this one... I could be wrong.  But that was my initial reaction.



> “Could you not?” he *singsang*.



Hmm... maybe.



> “Like, *If* you could quantify it, everyone has about the same belief in something, right? *Its* just different for everyone. What they choose to believe in.”



"if", no capital, and "It's" with an apostrophe.



> “So why, dear sister, am I not allowed belief in *nothing.*”



Needs a question mark  



> He tapped the *break*, as they were coming to a stoplight.



"brake".



> “If everyone’s belief is equal, how come you can just *arbitrate* other people’s destinies?”



To arbitrate is to "act between parties with a view to reconciling differences"... is that what you had in mind?



> “*Its* not up to me, its up to God.”



"It's".  

-----

I do like the way Brogan says "god" and Ember says "God".

-Hyp.


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## ConnorSB (Jan 21, 2004)

Eww... those are some bad grammer mistakes. A few of them I can account for- if you italicize in Word, it doesn't carry over when you cut/paste into V-Bulliten. All the internal monologe was origionally italicized.

Aquieced- you're right, I don't actually know what it means. the word I was looking for was a cross between "appoligized", "explained", and "casually commented." Muffled, subdued, and singsang I used on purpose- part of our assignment was to use interesting verbs.

Ember's thoughts, now, those are tough. I put that one thought in because I wanted to show her hypocracy, but it isn't strictly neccessary.

The Salvadorican thing. Its supposed to be a made up Latin American country, El Salvador combined with Puerto Rico. So I guess it should properly be spelled _Salvadorico_.

I'm happy you picked up on the god/God thing. I was proud of that. I thought it was a pretty subtle way of explaining thier attitudes.

I'll fix up those grammer mistakes, but not now. Right now I'm gonna go to sleep.


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## arwink (Jan 21, 2004)

My first response from a really quick scan: Said is one of the most invisible words in the english language.  As soon as you start muffling, shoulting, acquising etc etc it can start to become very hard to follow.  If the dialogue is done right, such things are obvious through what is being said.


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## Hypersmurf (Jan 21, 2004)

arwink said:
			
		

> If the dialogue is done right, such things are obvious through what is being said.





Through what is being...?

... oh, 'said'.  I missed that, there.

-Hyp.


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## Morrus (Jan 21, 2004)

ConnorSB said:
			
		

> Muffled, subdued, and singsang I used on purpose- part of our assignment was to use interesting verbs.



I'll leave the nitty-gritty grammar/spelling stuff to Hypersmurf, because he's doing a grand job!  But I do have to comment on this...

Interesting though they may be, none of those three words mean "said", which is what you have used them as:

A voice or sound can sound muffled or be muffled, but "to muffle" is not a means of communication.

To subdue someone is to calm someone down, often with force (remember subdual damage from 2E?).  One can be subdued, but "to subdue", again, is not a means of communication.

"Singsang" - I've never heard of the word, although it may be a slang or colloquial term which you are aware of but which I'm not.  I'd bet on it not being a word, though. 

Otherwise, the story itself is fine!


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## Hypersmurf (Jan 21, 2004)

Morrus said:
			
		

> Interesting though they may be, none of those three words mean "said", which is what you have used them as.




It depends, I think, on what the background of "use interesting verbs" was.  If they meant "Find interesting verbs and use them," he's done it wrong.  But if they were supposed to _create_ new verbs whose meaning is able to be deduced from their root words and context, he's done okay.

"To muffle" is apparently to speak in a muffled fashion.  "To subdue" is perhaps "to speak with the goal of subduing".  And as for "singsang", I presume it's the past tense of "to singsong", or "to speak in a singsong fashion".

Remember, though, ConnorSB - Verbing weirds language!

-Hyp.


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## arwink (Jan 21, 2004)

Okay, some comments after a slightly longer read through.  I've spaced the comments every few paragraphs.

On the whole, it's a very nice story with a great sense of mood and style.  Most of my comments are based on far to many years lurking in a college creative writing class, which means the suggestions may not be as useful if you've been asked to aim for a particular goal with the writing exercise (such as packing it with interesting verbs no matter what).

(And, as an aside, my appologies if I'm coming accross as too nit-picky - I've just spent the past week judging cermaic DM, and it's starting to become second nature )



			
				ConnorSB said:
			
		

> *"Belief"*
> 
> “I need to be there in 20 minutes,” Ember muffled through the door. “I’ll be ready in five.”
> 
> ...




The opening line needs work.  Muffled isn't a great word, as has already been pointed out, and the verbage would be better used to describe muffled sounds behind the door rather than the speach.  Let us know what Ember is doing that's taking so long, even if you hint.  The gist of the dialogue here works, but the situation needs to be clearer.

I'm not entirely sold on the line-break between Brogan putting his wallet in his pocket and the explanation.  The ideas seem significantly linked that they'll work as one paragraph, and there doens't seem to be much need fo the two line paragraph otherwise.  It'll give it more weight.  The wallet does a good job of setting up Brogan's character subtly, it's a nice touch.  



> “I’ll be in the car, Ember.” He grabbed the new Chieftain’s CD from his shelf, and tromped through the house and out the door. He got in the car, put the keys in, twisted them to the accessory setting, and put the CD in.




Pet peeve, but ther'es far to many commas in that last sentence.  Break it up a little, give it a bit more atmosphere.  If you want to throw in the idea that Brogan is slightly irritated, this is the place to start trying new things with verbs as well.  Imagine the difference between "twisting" the keys into place, and "wrenching" them.  One's subdued and normal, the other is majorly pissed off. Beyond that, the paragraph is almost straight action description that doesn't really serve any narrative purpose but to shift the scene.  Give it more mood to make it relevance.



> _And still she cried, "I love him the best
> And a troubled mind sure can know no rest"
> And still she cried, "Bonny boys are few
> And if my love leaves me what will I do"_
> ...




Again, some nice set up of the relationship between the characters is going on here - close but strangely combatative at the same time.  The middle paragraph is clunky though - the second sentence in particular could be broken apart and fleshed out a little.  Lead it with the action, which tends to be what we focus on when we read sentences.  Ember gets into the car, and then it's revealed why this information is important - it would seem suitable time for Brogan to make a quip about her timing.  It gives us the same information, but adds more to the character and drama.



> Brogan started the engine and backed out. He had to turn to get out, swinging wide and half pausing for whatever pedestrians might be on the sidewalk. *He got out successfully, put it into drive, and accelerated.*
> 
> The street dropped down a hill to reach the main road, and there was an awkward stoplight there. Brogan saw that light every day going to school, and knew its movements like those of a lover. This light changed _like so_, that light changed _thusly_, and then the yellow for those bound for downtown assured him an empty intersection and a clean right turn into the leftmost lane. The headlights of a dozen idling cars lit up the intersection as he turned so. It was a busy night. Brogan watched as across the intersection a jeep ran the red, going the other way. Jerks, he thought.




I'm not entirely sure the bolded line is really necessary, it's kind of implied by the previous line.  And accelerated is a weak verb to be using here - it tells us nothing beyond the fact the car moves.  Again, something to enhance mood or mirror the background conflict of your story somehow could work more effectively.

The metaphor of going to school and knowing all the lights movements like a lover is slightly jarring.  May just be a cultural thing, but School connotes a definate high-school kind of image for me in Australia, but I have difficulty with the image of a high-school age Brogan thinking about anything in terms of like a lover.  It does a significant mental re-write of the character for me, until I considered that it might be refering to a university or college student.  Either way, something to think on.

In addition to Hypersmurph's notes on italicising, I also found the wording of the second last sentence here slightly jarring.  To me, he should be watching a Jeep running accross the intersection, not watching accross the intersection as a jeep runs the red.  



> Now they were on Market street, which shot straight past the old folks in their condos, and the Eucalyptus that had fallen the other day, and crossed Blue Sky Road. Market street was reasonably full- it was rush hour and Blue Sky Road, which intersected Market a few hundred feet ahead, was a major freeway off ramp. The cars were spread thick on the pavement ahead. Ember’s church was a left turn onto Blue Sky, which would take them away from the freeway and hopefully into less traffic. Brogan moved into the turn lane as it broke from his current one. Just before the intersection, a car skittered into his lane, its break lights darting like hornets. Brogan was ready for such tomfoolery, however, and had already slowed.




Consider replacing "which shot" with "shooting."  The former implies the street flies past the condos, the later the car does it.

This section is fairly dense in terms of action and setting information, but it tends to slow down the story a bit.  We get bogged down in a lot of stuff that isn't all that interesting to read as we're not sure of its relevance.  What makes this story interesting is the conflicting personalities you've set up for Brogan and Ember - I'm much more interested in what they saying, or not saying, than the details of what's happening outside the car.  Again, if you can find a way to work all of this into the conflict of the story - perhaps mentioning it because they're both paying more attention to the exterior rather than speak to one another, it'd become  more interesting.



> “God Damn Mongolians.”
> 
> “Broge, I don’t think that guy is Mongolian,” his sister subdued.
> 
> ...




No matter how you try to work it, 'his sister subdued' isn't going to work here.  His sister may try to subdue him, and you can work it in by having Brogen meantally snear at her attempts or some such, but it's an awkward phrase following the dialogue.

The dialogue here is great - still maintaining the strong mood and building their characters well.  



> “What? Oh.”
> 
> He gunned it, accelerating into the turn. In front of Brogan, the taillights snaked off into the distance like the fiery rivers of hell. The traffic appeared to be getting worse, not better. They curved down passed the golf course, across the bridge, past another stop light, and into the straight part of Blue Sky Road that marked the edge of the local campus.
> 
> The road was wide and straight and packed with traffic, and the cars sped along like buckshot from a barrel, fueled by the mad need to get somewhere, anywhere. Brogan couldn’t agree more.




Probably the best peice of the drive by far.  Full of colour and well-rounded description.



> One, two, three greens flashed by. The fourth was red. “F’ers.”
> 
> “Could you please!” she sighed.
> 
> ...




Nice sense of semi-irony there. 



> “It’s true though, isn’t it? That’s what your pastor says?”
> 
> She looked back and whispered, “Yes. He says that.”
> 
> ...




You seem to be hitting your stride here.  Things flow a lot better than the earlier part of the story, the mood is maintained, and nearly anything is improved by a Tori Amos reference 



> “That doesn’t help Broge,” she sighed.
> 
> “Yes it does. F’ you CAR!” he shouted, and the light turned.
> 
> ...




Minor quibble - it's rather than it is.  I can't really think of the last time I heard someone actually say it is without being condescending and overly proper, which doesn't seem to be Ember's intention here.



> “And that’s your belief, and I respect that.”
> 
> “Thank you.”
> 
> ...




Cut to outside the car and stop it for the light, rather than tagging it on the end of the break.  Again, it's a good chance to use verbage here rather than after the language - does the car jerk to a stop, ease into it, etc.



> Ember’s fists clenched. “Don’t say that, Broge! You’re going to go to hell if you keep denying God’s existence.”
> 
> Brogan hit the steering wheel with his palm. “That’s just it, Em! Who gave you the right to say that? If everyone’s belief is equal, how come you can just arbitrate other people’s destinies?”
> 
> ...




Interesting conclusion - builds the conflict to a head but doens't really resolve it, but it still works.  The arguement may be sliding towards the bombastic, but it essentially works within the context of the story.


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## Hypersmurf (Jan 21, 2004)

arwink said:
			
		

> Minor quibble - it's rather than it is.  I can't really think of the last time I heard someone actually say it is without being condescending and overly proper, which doesn't seem to be Ember's intention here.




Or, alternatively, italicise.

"I don't think it _is_ a choice.  At least, not a mortal one."

-Hyp.


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## arwink (Jan 21, 2004)

Yeah, that'd work too


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## ConnorSB (Jan 22, 2004)

Thanks guys! I'll post the revised version in a few hours. Any more comments?


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