# of Defects and Nuisances



## Hairy Minotaur (Jul 19, 2008)

The sun beat down from above; the trees lining this dirt road offered no protection from the ball of fire that baked them directly overhead. Fresh from wiping out a roaming band of kobolds from the caves of Lavender the pacifistic cheese maker, the party was out searching for the kidnapped daughter of the local duke. The kobolds seemed to know the whereabouts of this important person and this group of adventurers saw before them the source of currency a find like that would grant them. 

Up ahead a small path ventured off to the left, or south, while the main road continued on further to the west where it appeared to split at a “Y” intersection. Stories of kidnappings had increased in the prior months; they’d all heard the stories and most associated it with either Highcastle involvement or the ebb and flow of orc movements. Surely a bunch of kobold snots couldn’t formulate a plan as audacious as the taking of a royal heir! Kobolds were creatures the orcs cowed into charging upon the spears of civilization and dying there. 

Slyphwhipser saw the signs all around him, the dysfunctional attempt to sweep away tracks on the dirt road. The lack of bird calls in the area, the gnome didn’t need to be a ranger to understand they were walking into a trap. If he could have had silence he could attempt to flush out the presumptuous attackers. Gramps wheezing made that impossible though, the old dwarf wheezed more than a gasket letting off steam. 

“Whoa, a foe? Dost the wee one detect an enemy that wishes to engage us in a battle to the death?” Lord Horatius Diphthong announced, rather loudly.

“Yes, and thanks to you and wheezy over there, I’m sure they are fully aware of our presence.” Slyphwhisper responded.

“Who you callin’ wheezy son? I’ve had gas outbursts with more wind than it would take to knock you on yer ass.” Gramps answers.

“You! You’ve been hacking up a lung for the last four miles. If’ you’re going to die hurry it up or you’re going to get us all killed.” Slyphwhisper retorts.

“You watch yer tongue runt, I’ve been doing this job for longer than you’ve been dreaming of becoming a hero.” Gramps answers.

“Can we stop fighting? It’s hot out here and I’m starting to chafe under this brassiere, I’d hate to have to take it off and be unprotected against the forces of evil.” Discordia interjects.

“Don’t you worry lass; I’ll let nothing near you save my shield. I swear upon my beard.” Gramps offers.

“You know why dwarves have beards right? They used to be prehensile when the dwarven race lived among the jungle forests of the north coast. They used to swing from tree to tree with nothing but the strength of their beards to support them. But then one day the elves came and showed them they could swing using vines and rope, so the dwarves stopped using their beard as a mode of travel and slowly the appendage regressed into its earlier form of facial hair. It was this loss of ability that drove the dwarves underground in hiding.” The enermancer offered

“You dissin’ me son? Start preparing your eulogy cause I’m gonna stomp you into.” *cough* *cough* *cough*

“What? It’s coming knowledge.” The enermancer states, “Look it’s all lifeless now.” The enermancer grabs a hold of Gramps’ beard and flaps it around like a rag doll. “Now if this was thousands of years ago, he would be slapping me with this beard but, as you can see, it’s pretty limp.”

“There there Gramps.” Lavender puts a sympathetic arm around the coughing dwarf and leads him to the side of the road.

The kobold ambushers stare in bewilderment, the group of people didn’t know they were there and yet they still seemed to take too much time standing around on the road. Impetuous and twitchy natures got the best of them and those on the north side of the road fired their blowguns prematurely. 

Wooden splinters ricochet off the backs of the party as the first salvo was launched.

“We’re under attack!” Slyphwhisper announces.

“I’ll protect you!” Lord Horatius, The enermancer, and Gramps all announce as they move in to protect Discordia.

Blushing, Discordia basks in their attention. “Boys, really. I don’t need all this fighting over me, how about we take care of the critters first? Hmm?” She says stroking the chin of the enermancer.

“Charge!” The enermancer bawls as he rushes headlong down the road.

Lord Horatius Diphthong took the enermancer’s announcement as a challenge and decided he would beat the warrior to the enemy and they both raced off to combat. Gramps however stood his ground.

“Here prized one, genuflect behind me shield of bravery!” Gramps directs Discordia

“What? And hide this body? I think not, I’ve spent far too many decades working out to hide behind a dirty shield. If you want to protect me then you’ll have to dive out in front of me to intercept incoming missiles.” Discordia advises

Slyphwhisper shook his head in disbelief; he secretly hoped the two idiots running face first into a volley of needles would be killed. The gnome broke off from the party and headed into the tree line on the north side of the road, proceeding methodically to move towards the place where the needles were likely shot from. However he pulled up after only a few feet as he spotted two crouching kobolds with shortspears waiting for the rest of the party to move up. 

As the enermancer ran up to the blowgun firing location, those kobolds failed their morale check and dropped their guns to turn and run. The enermancer stepped into the tree line and was immediately swept off his feet by a snare trap. Flung thirty feet into the air and then sent crashing back down to the ground through the limbs of smaller trees, the warrior’s body came to rest on a bed of pine needles nearly twenty feet from the road. Lord Diphthong did not fare much better, as he ran past the enermancer and heard the twang of the trap his face was pummeled by a thrown javelin. The weapon smashing his nose and knocking out the top two front teeth in his mouth, Lord Horatius staggered and his knees buckled. The hexblade fell to the ground dazed and confused.

“Oh crap.” Lavender proclaimed as she saw two of the three combat members disappear from her view.

Gramps dropped his insistence that Discordia hide and labored up the road to get a better look at the action. Once he was past the hiding spear-wielding kobolds the creatures leapt out to attack his back. As they did, Slyphwhisper took a swipe at one of them. His blade scored across the back of the kobold and it jumped awkwardly away from its hidden assailant. It had failed to leap to the attack but realized that it was not alone in the woods and began scanning the foliage for its attacker.

 The enermancer shook the pine needles from his hair and tried to push himself off of the ground. His chest was on fire and he figured there had to be at least a couple of broken ribs, he only hoped he had not broken a clavicle as he braced himself. The kobolds that had seen the flying warrior stopped escaping to survey the damage. Once they saw him try to get up they figured he was too powerful to deal with and continued to flee through the forest. Lord Horatius wobbled on his haunches as another javelin slammed against his right shoulder and spun the hexblade a half turn in the dirt. Grasping his shoulder in pain, Lord Horatius looked back to see where these missiles were coming from and located a large hairy creature with a stack of javelins slumped against the tree behind him. 

What had appeared to be a “Y” in the road was really a split to allow travelers to walk around an old tree instead of moving the tree when the road was created. The beast mocked the hexblade, daring him to stand up and face another aerial onslaught. 

“You lard pimping tree chewer! You’re going down.” Lord Horatius challenged the bugbear. The beast let out a guttural laugh and waited for Lord Horatius to ascend to his feet before throwing another javelin. With the hexblade’s attention finally on his attacker he was able to spin away and the missile disappeared in the trees behind him. It was the bugbear’s turn to curse as the hexblade gathered up speed and charged into the creature, nicking his right flank as he was still a tad woozy from the facial blow he had received. 
The enermancer fell through the tree line and back onto the road next to where the hexblade had lost two of his teeth, and he began again to pull himself up off of the ground. Gramps turned to face his threat and planted his shield into the ground. Using his massive arms to reach around the shield and harass the kobold who had to move to get across the sides of the shield, coughing and hacking Gramps kept the kobold moving as Lavender shot forth a bolt of scintillating energy into the kobold’s back.

“What the hell was that? I thought you were a pacifist, you been holding out on us?” Discordia complained when she saw Lavender’s attack.

“I did not damage it; I’m trying to put it out of commission.” Lavender replies.

When Discordia saw that the kobold indeed appeared to be unfazed by the blast she turned back to Lavender, “Obviously, are you trying to heal it?”

“In a manner of speaking, yes.” Lavender answered.

“That’s even more ridiculous as neither of them have been damaged. I admit to being entertained by the antics of the dwarf and kobold, but seeing as how neither one of them have been damaged that tactic is pretty stupid. All you’re doing now is showing off and to really do that properly you need to be showing more skin than that frumpy dress.” Discordia replies.

Slyphwhisper watched in amusement as the bewildered kobold poked out his spear in the hope of hitting its attacker. The gnome left the kobold confused and paranoid and darted across the road to flank the kobold who was engaged with Gramps. The gnome sunk his blade into the soft part of its back next to the spine. The kobold screeched and tried to pull the blade free, its drop in guard allowed Gramps to slam his hand ax into the skull of the creature, felling the scaly rodent. 

The kobold Slyphwhisper left in the trees was either made of sterner stuff or was too stupid to realize he was horribly outnumbered, but he ran out and tried to jab his spear into the side of the gnome rogue. Missing badly, but forcing Slyphwhisper away from the dwarf, the kobold waved for something behind the dwarf. Turning around, Gramps saw two fetish wearing kobolds standing a top an overturned log twenty feet down the smaller side path to the south.

“Reinforcements!” Gramps cries out and points down the path. Lavender and Discordia step up to peer down the path. The enermancer heard this and assumed the dwarf needed reinforcements and hobbled up the road towards Gramp’s position, leaving Lord Horatius to battle the bugbear solo. 

“You, I shall kill you. You tourist tossing nose blaster! And then, when I’m all done, I’m going to set you on fire. How do you like that?” Lord Horatius cursed at his opponent. The bugbear appeared ambivalent to the hexblade’s words.

As the two women peered around the tree line, three kobolds leapt from hiding and began grappling with Discordia. Too close to combat for comfort’s sake, Lavender moved back up or east along the road and too uncertain she could hit a kobold and not the tiefling, Lavender blasted the kobold fighting Slyphwhisper instead.

“Ahhh! I’m being assaulted!” Discordia cries out

Gramps moved up and began kicking kobolds off the warlock’s body, once she was clear he hefted her up and they retreated down the side path towards the kobolds standing on the log, once they had reached the halfway point the kobolds on the log went to work. Dual casting sleep spells they dropped the warlock and dwarf onto the ground in a deep slumber. 

The loose kobolds quickly regrouped and pounced on the warlock with rope as they attempted to tie her up. Lavender blasted the kobold fighting Slyphwhisper again as the gnome disengaged to go prevent the kidnapping of Discordia. The enermancer too ran past the kobold Lavender was blasting and headed straight for the downed adventurers. Once he saw the gnome headed there though, he switched his decision to going after the two kobolds on the log instead. 

Lavender now faced an armed kobold that was backing her up the road and further away from help. Lavender blasted the kobold again but the creature barely noticed, “These can’t be kobolds they’re too strong!” she shouted.

Lord Horatius and the bugbear traded blows back and forth each just one good hit away from ending the struggle. Desperate, Lord Horatius unleashed a torrent of words laced with adjectives and verbs that had no business being in the same vocabulary, much less the same sentence. Disorientated by the stream of profanity in a language it didn’t understand, the bugbear lowered its guard enough to allow Lord Horatius a clean strike into its right lung. The hexblade dislodged his blade horizontally across the ribcage and it exited the bugbear with a wet *pop* as the lung collapsed. Wheezing and grasping his chest the bugbear fell to his knees and Lord Horatius divorced its head from its shoulders. 

The enermancer issued a war cry and prepared to leap onto the kobolds, he planted his foot but the ground gave way into a pit. The enermancer fell ten feet and landed awkwardly on his ankles, badly twisting them and further injuring his ribcage. The kobolds began casting ray of frost onto the prone enermancer to exacerbate his injures. Slyphwhisper dove at Gramps, tucking his knees into his chest he effectively cannonballed the dwarf and sent the grizzled fighter into shock as he awoke to find himself gasping for air. 

Lavender took a nasty cut to her thigh as the kobold stalked her down; the cheese maker fired off another blast at the kobold and again it absorbed it and kept stalking her. Lord Horatius took a wide turn down the path and clipped Lavender’s kobold behind the knees. The blow was sufficient enough to fell the exhausted kobold. Lavender breathed a sigh of relief when the kobold went down and she slowly crept back to the side path.

Slyphwhisper engaged the kobolds who had just finished hog tying Discordia one kobold broke off and went hand-to-hand with the gnome as the other two reptiles began dragging Discordia towards the two shamans manning the downed log. Gramps gripped his chest and turned on his side to cough air into his lungs. The enermancer crawled over to the nearest wall and began a slow climb up the wall on one and half ankles and a worrisome crackle in his lungs when he inhaled. 

Lord Horatius, with the visual assist from the enermancer was able to leap across the pit and land chest first on the downed tree. With a loud “oof” he joined Gramps in wheezing instead of breathing. The nearest kobold shoved a dagger into the back of Lord Horatius’s left hand and began to twist it slowly.

“You wart hugging leg lotion, I’m going to turn you into a new pair of boots and not wait before you’re skinned to do it either. Then I’m going to set you on fire!” Lord Horatius spouts.

The kobold leaned in close to the hexblade, “Shh, quit fighting. Just let go and fall back, surely the loss of one friend is not worth the embarrassment I am about to unleash upon you.” 

Lord Horatius spat in the kobold’s face, the reptile withdrew the dagger from the hexblade’s hand intent on shoving it into another part of the human’s body. Lord Horatius had other designs however, releasing his stabbed hand he allowed the momentum of his left side falling unsupported to carry his legs up towards the right end of the log and he supplied the final energy to get his body fully onto the log. The startled kobold shaman hissed and reached into a pouch on his belt. 

Gramps rolled up into a sitting position and tried to get his bearings, hearing the gnome git hollerin’ ‘bout something he turned and focused his sights on the kidnapping in progress. Slyphwhisper shouted for Lavender to help him stop the fleeing kobolds.

“I can’t, they’re not normal kobolds! I blasted one of them three times and it just stared at me like I was stroking its ego. These kobolds aren’t normal, they’re like super kobolds”* the cheese maker replied.

“How would you know, if you abhor violence?” Slyphwhisper shot back

“Well, I’ve read books on the subject and seen it in the arena” Lavender replied

Gramps was now on his feet and chasing down the dragged body of Discordia. The enermancer made his way up the wall and onto the log opposite Lord Horatius, the kobold nearest the enermancer jumped off the log to the non-pit side and the enermancer could now see the handful of prisoners. He deliberately and gingerly set himself up to flank the remaining shaman on the log with Lord Horatius. Once the kobold knew he was surrounded and looked back at the hexblade, Lord Horatius had a verbal reply for it.
“You crud-infested, cerebrally-challenged, emaciated, hideous, no good miserable goon! I’m about to light your world on fire!” Lord Horatius proclaims.

The kobold throws the contents of his fist that he had in his pouch at Lord Horatius. The stinging sand clinging to his moist eyes like Velcro, Lord Horatius screamed in pain and grabbed his eyes. The enermancer, not wanting to get an eyeful of that, stepped to the side to avoid the throw in case the kobold spun around. However the warrior forgot where he was and stepped out into open air and plunged the now twelve feet to the pit floor. This time striking his head hard against the wall and giving himself a concussion. 

The shaman then bull rushed the hexblade to try and knock him into the pit as well. The kobold connected but the hexblade fell on the prisoner side instead. Blinded and pissed off, Lord Horatius started madly swinging his battle axe around in wide arcs; he connected with the downed tree several times, but was unsuccessful in striking a kobold. The dragging kobolds managed to get around the tree and to where the other prisoners were. 

Slyphwhisper finished off the kobold he was engaging with a series of feints that brought the kobold to his knees. Gramps followed the path the kobolds took to drag Discordia through the foliage and emerged on the other side of the log. The hexblade was flailing about with a dangerous weapon while the remaining kobolds were loading up the prisoners into a small wagon in safety several feet away from the hexblade. 

Gramps, assessing the situation and realizing he had not yet been noticed by the kobolds, headed to the front driver’s side wheel on the wagon and slammed his tower shield onto it, cracking the wheel and dislodging a good sized piece of wood in the process. He then moved to the two worn out horses the kobolds were using to transport the wagon. He silently cursed himself for never understanding the intricacies of knot tying and gave up on trying to free the beasts of burden. Instead he flexed his stomach muscles and called forth a gastric soup of vapors the stench of which hell would not know and unleashed his masterpiece into the nostrils of the horses. 

“Let’s go, let’s go!” a kobold called out as it jumped up the front of the wagon and took the reigns, after the last kobold boarded the wagon, the driver snapped the reigns and turned around to focus on the road. He saw one horse retching and the other keel over apparently deceased. The retching horse lurched the wagon forward as best it could but the bad wheel snapped and the body of the prone horse halted all forward movement. 

“Hello ugly” Gramps said as he brought his hand ax down upon the shoulder of the driver and severed his arm. The startled kobold flipped off of the wagon of the far side of the dwarf, he only made it a few feet further before he collapsed and bled out. 

The last four kobolds faced off against Gramps, Slyphwhisper, and a blind Lord Horatius. The shamans tried to use their ray of frosts on the gnome but he was too quick for them and easily dodged the pale blue rays. Gramps hefted himself up the wagon and squared off against the two non-shaman kobolds as Slyphwhisper made his way towards the shamans. The shamans, without effective weapons resigned themselves to tossing the bodies of the prisoners at the nimble gnome. The rouge used the bodies as living stairs to ascend the wagon and fight the shamans. 

The two regular kobolds broke morale and run off into the woods, Gramps advanced to flank the shamans and between Slyphwhisper and himself they took down the shamans without too much trouble. They heard Lord Horatius cussing and yelling as he swung his blade, he sounded a little too happy for someone who eyes were getting rubbed with sand. Upon further inspection the gnome and dwarf saw that Lord Horatius had found a body to attack, unfortunately it was that of a former prisoner who died hog tied and unable to defend themselves from the blind and enraged hexblade. 

“Lord High and Mighty. Stop! We’ve killed them all” Gramps called out.

The hexblade lowered his battle axe and sat on the ground while the gnome set off to follow the fleeing kobolds. He chased them for an hour to a wide mouthed cave nearly a mile away. He left the location and dropped pebbles as he doubled back to inform the rest of them where the kobolds were raiding from. While he was gone Gramps and Discordia fished the enermancer out of the pit. Lavender set about healing his wounds much to the displeasure of Lord Horatius. 

“Why the hell is he getting healed? He’s the most injured out of all of us and he didn’t see any combat. He got caught in two traps, one of them twice!” The hexblade seethes, “I’m over here hacking up prisoners and he’s trying to commit suicide.” 

“Hey repeated head injuries are the primary cause of psionic ability; if you don’t shut up over there I’ll ram my head into that tree a few more times and then blow your brain apart from the inside” The enermancer threatens.

“Really? I say go for it, anything that makes you useful in a fight has got to be an improvement. At least the pansy woman made an attempt to kill some of them” Lord Horatius counters.

“I was not trying to kill any of them, I merely wanted them unconscious. How many times do I need to tell you I am a pacifist?” Lavender replies.

“You keep using that word, but I don’t think it means what you think it means” The hexblade answers.

Discordia tended to the prisoners’ sense of loneliness and close platonic relationship with a woman. It was thus with no surprise that most of the prisoners shrugged off Lavender’s healing attempts to hear Discordia perorate on the subject of which metal brassieres offer the best possible lift and separation for the adventure who’s low on funds but needs the extra protection that comes with a metal breastplate. No one noticed that Slyphwhisper had returned for several minutes even with him shouting over Discordia’s voice. 

“I found the hideout, maybe we can strike while they’re preparing to come get their cargo back and we can take them all by surprise!” Slyphwhisper shouts excitedly.

“I think the first order of business is to return these prisoners to civilization” Lavender offers.

“What if we unloaded them on a nearby farm and they alerted the proper authorities? That way we could get back here sooner as I am in favor of taking the kobolds by surprise” The enermancer replies.

“Of course you would, because if they’re prepared then that increases the likelihood of you getting into combat and well you can’t handle that” the hexblade offers a dissenting view. 

The party decides to return the prisoners to the nearest farm they can find back to the north as they don’t want the added baggage of having to protect the rest of them from another mad hacker episode from Lord Horatius. They surround the prisoners and head back north. Just before dinner they spot a farmhouse and barn to the northeast from the road. Cutting across the wheat field they arrive at the farmstead’s main house. While the male members of the party were intently watching the sweating Discordia pat dry her bosom, Lord Horatius was salivating at the sight of a dilapidated hay barn. 

Gramps ascended the porch to knock on the front door.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” The hexblade challenged

“Walking up stairs ye lout.” Gramps replied

“I hope you’re not planning on knocking on the door. I’m the noble here don’t you think he would be happier if someone who looked regal addressed him?” Lord Horatius countered

“Who gives a crap? Someone knock on the fricken’ door!” Slyphwhisper called out

Gramps took the door knocker and banged loudly; Lord Horatius tried to shove the dwarf out of the way but only managed to push himself further away from the door. 

“Back off old man.” Lord Horatius commanded

“You want my boot up your arse now or when you’re dropping the kids off at the pool?” Gramps responded while shoving the hexblade

“What do you people want?” The farmer asked opening the door just as the hexblade and the dwarf had drawn their fists back in preparation of going a few boxing rounds.

“Sir, we’ve been kidnapped and are seeking refuge for the night so that we might report to the authorities in the morning.” One of the former prisoners spoke up

The look on the farmer’s face went from disgust to astonishment to disbelief and Slyphwhisper spoke up.

“We didn’t kidnap them, we saved them.” The dubious look from the farmer did little to convince the gnome that he was believing them.

“Tis true, we rescued these brave souls from the clutches of a nasty band of kobold raiders, you will be happy to learn that the southern road has been cleaned of their wickedness.” Gramps told the farmer

“I don’t use the south road.” Came the reply

“Well, it’s cleared nonetheless, can we leave our presents here or do you wish to be known as a man who refused to help kidnapped merchants on the way to Virdistan?” Lord Horatius replied

“I don’t go to Virdistan.” The farmer answered

“Look moron, I don’t give a flying rat’s ass if you travel to hell instead, but we can’t take these people into the kobold’s base of operations and expect them to make it out alive.” The hexblade countered

“I thought you said you took care of the kobold problem?” The farmer questioned

“Oh now you pay attention to the conversation?” Lord Horatius threw his hands up in frustration

“Good sir, I believe you are mistaken.” The enermancer started

“Mistaken about what?” The farmer asked

“About your choice of crop, you do know what planting turnips means for us humans right?” the enermancer answered

“What are you talking about?” The farmer insisted

*sigh* the enermancer took a deep breath while shaking his head in disgust, “planting turnips kills a baby for every one you pull up from the ground. Have you not heard of this? It’s all over the Speculative Paranoia Monthly reports you’re committing infanticide out here in the Styx.” 

Lord Horatius seized upon the enermancer’s distraction and snuck off towards the barn. His feet seemed to float him there as if he wasn’t really moving but the earth turned to bring the barn to his location. The smell of the dry hay and the heat of the day sent the hexblade into orbital bliss as he reached for a vial of Alchemist’s Fire, then another, and finally another. He let his hands run along the dry support beams holding up a roof that looked more like a goblin’s attempt at a lean-to than a barn roof. His work nearly done, Lord Horatius headed back to the farmhouse where the enermancer still held the farmer’s attention in a vice of improbability.

“Look none of my kids ever died when I pulled up one of those turnips.” The farmer shouted back

“Hey, I never said your babies would be the ones dying, stop putting words in my mouth. By infants I meant human ones in general and by human I of course meant the larval stage, which as everyone is aware are goblins” The enermancer counters, his increasingly outrageous claims had caused the prisoners to cower behind the farmer for fear of their sanity.

“Can we leave them here with you or not? Or do you want him to continue talking?” Lord Horatius said to the farmer referring to the enermancer

“Hmm, well. How are you going to alert the patrols? None of them work the road south of here.” The farmer says

“Easy, we just need a big enough signal fire and they’ll come investigate.” The hexblade explains

“Come investigate and arrest you; murderer.” The enermancer says

“Where are you going to get the supplies needed for a fire of that size?” The farmer inquires

“Hell’s fury flows strong through this house; we shall use that energy to purify your house of the evil deeds you have committed.” The enermancer states

“I was thinking of that dry hay you’ve got stacked up in the barn, it would be perfect.” Lord Horatius answers

“Yes, a perfect pyre for which to end your reign of tyranny!” The enermancer agrees

“Fine as long as you get him to shut up.” The farmer says pointing to the enermancer

“Deal.” The hexblade spits in his hand and the farmer follows and they shake on the deal.

“Let’s go people; we’ve got kobolds to kick.” Lord Horatius announces and heads off the farmer’s porch back towards the wheat field they entered his property through.

“Hey I thought we had a deal?” The farmer shouted

“Your barn’s burning.” Lord Horatius said with a smile as he walked off



*The kobolds had 3-4 levels of warrior (or adept in the case of the shamans)


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## Hairy Minotaur (Jul 19, 2008)

The PCs were created using Nuisanceshttp://www.rpgnow.com/product_info.php?products_id=50544, they could either pick two defects and gain a feat or let fate choose and they could roll a defect at random and gain a feat for each roll, but they had to take whatever defect was rolled. Here are the major results:

Slyphwhisper: Mechanical Jinx x2 (he rolled this twice and doubled the likelihood that a misfire occurs) he has fled to Virdistan is hopes of avoiding the ever expanding influence of Highcastle. He is a gnome rogue.

Lord Horatius Diphthong: Pyromania and Socially Awkward. An actual noble, he was cast out of his family for a “problem” that too often started with a tinder box and some flint.  He is a human hexblade.

Discordia: Indecisive and Hot Body (others receive a -2 penalty to spot and search checks whenever she is in sight of them).  She is a teifling warlock.

Gramps: Nauseous Fart and One Functioning Lung (Peaked defect). He is a dwarven fighter hell bent on becoming a dwarven defender.

The Enermancer: Socially Awkward and Other Ways of Knowing (imagine someone reading only the checkout tabloids and believing everything they say). This also prevents him from giving out his real name as he fears the true namers which must be hiding in the party will use that knowledge to subvert him under their control. The enermancer class is found here http://www.rpgnow.com/product_info.php?products_id=28483&it=1and he too is human

Lavender didn’t take any, she is a custom class and her power is solely non-lethal; essentially filling the target with bliss until they fall into a euphoric coma.  Female and sort of celestial in nature

The story is set 400 years in the future of the Story Hour: The Acrimonious Adventurer Association (see sig.) and Discordia is a direct descendant of Menthos from that story hour, and Dawnforge http://www.rpgnow.com/product_info.php?products_id=474&it=1was used to for the races.


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## Jon Potter (Aug 7, 2008)

You and your group certainly have a way of taking things a step further with each incarnation. I applaud this, of course.

But I don't know that I'd want to play a pacifist character or one with near-lethal flatulence or uncontrolled pyromania. A character with a hot body on the other hand... 

I am intrigued by the enermancer class, it sounds a lot like the eldritch warrior class that Morier in my game has taken. Could you tell me more about it?


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## Hairy Minotaur (Aug 7, 2008)

Jon Potter said:


> You and your group certainly have a way of taking things a step further with each incarnation. I applaud this, of course.
> 
> But I don't know that I'd want to play a pacifist character or one with near-lethal flatulence or uncontrolled pyromania. A character with a hot body on the other hand...
> 
> I am intrigued by the enermancer class, it sounds a lot like the eldritch warrior class that Morier in my game has taken. Could you tell me more about it?




The gas is like a personal stinking cloud and only when he eats the "right"/wrong foods, so it's extemely limiting in it's utility. The pyromania on the other hand... lets just say figures prominently in the next update. We don't know what Lavendar's deal is, maybe it'll come out more as they adventure further.

The enermancer attunes themselves to a specific energy (earth in this case) they gain special abilities based upon their chosen energy as they go up levels. The player seems to like it. I'll dig out the actual PDF tonight and give a little more detail on what he gives up from a fighter perspective and what he gains SA-wise.


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## Jon Potter (Aug 8, 2008)

Hairy Minotaur said:


> The enermancer attunes themselves to a specific energy (earth in this case) they gain special abilities based upon their chosen energy as they go up levels. The player seems to like it. I'll dig out the actual PDF tonight and give a little more detail on what he gives up from a fighter perspective and what he gains SA-wise.




I'd be interested to know.

The eldritch warrior is from Forgotten Heroes: Sorcerer by Malladin's Gate Press. It's a decent book (and I see that it's only .50¢) although it has some ups and downs. Some bits are REALLY overpowered, but some other stuff, like racial lifepaths, are quite cool indeed.

Anyway, Eldritch Warriors give up quite a lot from the warrior side (they only get cleric's attack progression and hit die) in exchange for some r-e-a-l-l-y slow spell progression. What they do get are bonus feats, some of which are fighter bonus feats. Many are exclusive to eldritch warriors, however, and allow them to attune themselves to energy (Morier chose Lightning) and channel it in various ways.

The class doesn't allow for it, but I added the ability to cast their spells in light armor. That's right, they're proficient with light and medium armor, but can't cast their spells in it without risking arcane spell failure.


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## Hairy Minotaur (Aug 8, 2008)

The Enermancer gets a fighter's BAB, and 3 bonus feats over 20 levels, by 20th level they can summon a greater elemental, gains DR, imbue their weapons with an energy that matches whichever path they've choosen, and they get energy resistance and a CHA boost.


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## Jon Potter (Aug 8, 2008)

Hairy Minotaur said:


> The Enermancer gets a fighter's BAB, and 3 bonus feats over 20 levels, by 20th level they can summon a greater elemental, gains DR, imbue their weapons with an energy that matches whichever path they've choosen, and they get energy resistance and a CHA boost.




Nice. So the similarities between the enermancer and the eldritch warrior are merely cosmetic. From looking a the enermancer write-up it looked like the class got spellcasting as well as energy manipulation. The lack of spells is a big difference between the two classes.

Thanks for filling me in.


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## Hairy Minotaur (Sep 2, 2008)

*To light the sun*

The party heads back to the scene of the kobold ambush. Slyphwhisper immediately noticed the dismal clean-up job someone did on the discarded kobold bodies and spent ammunition. Blood spatter covered the side path and the enermancer’s drippings still ran from the edge of the woods to the side path. The pit had been filled in by dumping the body of the dead horse as well as the broken remains of the escape wagon that gramps rendered useless. 

“Someone knows of our handiwork.” The gnome states

“I think it obvious that our destination should be into the earth womb.” The enermancer replies

“You mean the cave? We weren’t gone that long, this had to have been completed with a lot of manpower to have everything but blood cleaned up.” Lord Horatius commented

“Cave? No, I mean the womb from which all of the dirt races erupt in a pregnant expulsion of filth onto the world proper. It is these places that must be sewn up with the needle of righteousness before the sky impregnates the same ground again in an incestuous coupling that only produces a greater chance of abominations.” The enermancer responded 

Like watching a Phoenix being reborn there were tears of joy and tears of searing pain as the onlooker’s eyes were permanently cindered, such was the diatribes that came forth from the enermancer’s mouth.

“Son, I don’t know whether to drop ya on yer head again or kick yer ass again ‘cause it is blatantly obvious that yer parents didn’t do one those two options with enough frequency to fix yer issues.” Gramps comments

“I’m wondering why the clean-up crew failed to scuff up the blood, that is ambush cover-up one-oh-one and could have been completed with they retrieved the darts and javelins.” Discordia announced while dragging her foot through a blood trail in an exaggerated twirling motion meant to pronounce the curvature of her hips, once she was sure most of the group was watching her play with the dirt she reflexively clenched and unclenched her buttocks in an alternating hypnotic pattern. 

“Wha… were we looking for again?” The enermancer drifted off verbally

“Are you done? I think we need to exterminate their lair or they’ll be more ambushes.” Slyphwisper said tugging on the tiefling’s blouse.

Discordia bent over in an exaggerated fashion, throwing her hips back and her rear end up as high as it would go, giving the gnome the impression that she would spill out of her top at any second, “Why such the party pooper little one? Like yeasted bread, my dough requires constant kneading to feed the hungry.” 

“I’m starved.” Gramps related

“Hey! Old man, this way to the cave.” Slyphwhisper announced and pointed towards the northwest.

The party regroups and heads off towards the cave that Slyphwhisper had tracked the escapees from the aborted ambush earlier in the day. They reached the cave as the sun dipped below the tree tops to the west and grey filter was laid upon the darkened landscape. The smell of cooked rabbit slowly leaked from the cave entrance and drifted off to the south on the slight breeze. The entrance was unguarded from the outside it appeared, there were also no guards posted in the trees surrounding the entrance either.

“Either these guys are extremely confidently or galacticly stupid.” Slyphwhisper announced

“These are but kobolds, I’m going with stupid.” Gramps responded

“Super-kobolds, I don’t think these are your regular die from a shield bash variety kobolds.” Lavender spoke

“Why would you want them dead? Again you keep telling people you’re a pacifist, but I think you think there’s an alternate definition to that word that only you know.” Slyphwhisper answered

“If you help me pile up all these down trees, twigs, and dead foliage in front of the cave entrance, I’ll have the inhabitant either running for their lives out of the cave, or dead from smoke inhalation.” Lord Horatius proudly comments

“Not every problem can be solved with a huge bonfire.” Lavender replies

“I believe you’re mistaken on that account sweet-cheeks, every problem can be solved with a little heat and a burning light source.” The hexblade answers

“We don’t need to alert the entire surround landscape to our presence at this cave, no subterfuge will win this day. We should cold camp off that east-west path in front of the cave and wait for a passing caravan headed for the cave, ambush them and beat them until we have the answers we need.” Lavender offered

“Sounds physical, like we might get hot and sweaty. The prospect of blood being spilled appears greater with the pacifist’s plan than with the pyromaniac’s. My body yearns for the threat of violence.” Discordia replies

The group agrees with the cheese maker and head off to the northeast to intercept the woodland path and pick a good spot to watch over the trail while camping just out of sight. A dejected Lord Horatius follows behind them collecting twigs and small pieces of bark. The party selects a small clearing fifty feet from the road and downwind of any potential combatants. The party begins unburdening their backs from packs, sacks and bags of gear when Lavender spies Lord Horatius building a tent of twigs, dried leaves and bark.

“Was I unclear with the plan? We need to cold camp it tonight in order to watch the road to the cave effectively and ambush any kidnappers.” Lavender calls out Lord Horatius

“Pacifism is objectively pro-Fascist...he that is not with me is against me.” The enermancer comments*

“Well, you guys will be doing all the work.” Lavender answers, then spies Lord Horatius hitting his flint stone, “what are you doing?

“I’m building a fire, what’s it look like I’m doing?” Lord Horatius answers

“Didn’t you hear me? We need to cold camp it we don’t want a fire.” Lavender replies

“No fire? Oh I think you’re mistaken, there’s going to be a fire.” Lord Horatius responds

“If there’s a fire then we can’t sneak up on the road.” Lavender explains

“There’s that aggressiveness again.” The enermancer says

“I’m cold, if there’s no fire then I’m going to need to snuggle up with at least three people and I sleep in the nude.” Discordia announces

**cough* *cough* *wheeze* *cough* *sputter* *hack* *cough** “I offer my ampleness to the cause of keeping you warm at night.” Gramps relates

“Well. Looks like it’ll be a cold camp but warm bodies after all.” Discordia answers with a wink

“Bullcrap, there’s gonna be a fire.” Lord Horatius answers 

“No. Wait a second we can’t have either of those things going on. Why don’t you lay down for first watch Lord Horatius and I’ll give Discordia my extra blanket and take first watch how about that?” Lavender answers

“Sure, right after I start this fire.” Lord Horatius responds

“You’re not listening to the plan, no fire!” Lavender yells

With that spat, Lord Horatius is able to ignite the tender and the small ember roars to life much to the delight of the hexblade. 

“Ah thank Kador, now I can leave this brazier on a little longer. It was getting so cold I was having to loosen the straps to make room for bodily extensions.” Discordia announces gleefully

“Quick! Put out that damn fire!” The enermancer squeals 

“Finally, someone who agrees with me.” Lavender cheers

“What are talking about? I want to see the twin peaks of chaos you’ll have to get in line if you’re thinking of scaling them as well.” The enermancer answers

“You just try and put this out Dampy the water mephit, this thing’s gonna be burning all night and most of tomorrow.” Lord Horatius states proudly

“You know why fire smokes don’t you? It’s the earth’s god way of passing gas and that’s why there are flames when you burn wood, it’s the methane from the ground.” The enermancer relates

“Son, you ain’t too **cough** bright are you?” **hack** Gramps replies

“Methane my ass, it smells like victory!” Lord Horatius says with a tear in his eye

“We might as well abandon camp now with that signal fire there.” Lavender complains

“Thank god for that fire, I was walking in circles out there.” Slyphwhisper announces returning to camp after picking out the spot he would lie in wait for any passing kidnappers.

“Now who’s the ass?” Lord Horatius exclaims to the cheese maker

The night progressed uneventfully after Lord Horatius waited out the disgruntled Lavender and fell asleep shortly after she did. Slyphwhisper hid out among the brambles and thickets of the woods peering out over the moon washed path looking and listening for any signs of an approaching contingent of back-stabbing practice victims. The gnome decided that this task would be immensely easier if there was not a beacon of firelight shining brightly through the woods like an enormous will-o-wisp. The light created flickering shadows across the landscape and caused Slyphwhisper to second guess his sight several times that night. 

Discordia had a much tougher time getting rest as she had difficulty trying to sleep facing the mini sun Lord Horatius created and turning her back to the tiny fusion reactor only caused her to sweat profusely, this however much far more acceptable than moving away from the flame and drawing the attention of the enermancer and Gramps like a moth beacon. So she suffered through the loss of body weight and cascading water as opposed to the desires of a crazy man and a dying dwarf. 

Lord Horatius awoke several times like clockwork throughout the night to add more tinder to the fire as soon as the mean temperature of the camp was lowered below the boiling point of water the hexblade descended upon the conflagration like a lion on the back of a gazelle. The hexblade was started awake when his unearthly fire senses detected someone messing with his art. 

“Huh? Who’s screwing with the fire?” Lord Horatius demands as his eyes try to focus after the hard wiping the back of his hands had given them.

“Shh. Calm down it’s only me.” The enermancer answers

“What are you doing to the fire?” Lord Horatius inquires

“I need a torch.” The enermancer replies

“Why? Where do you think you’re going?” the hexblade asks

“I need to light the sun. It will not rise if I fail to alight the sky coal prior to it’s ascendance into the morning sky. It is a duty I have been performing everyday of my adulthood and I shall not fail in this task today.” The enermancer replies

Lord Horatius gives the enermancer a twisted gape with his mouth and an unbelievable look in his eyes as his considers the enermancer’s insane request. Finally the hexblade kicks the burning stick from the enermancer’s hands, “use someone else’s fire. Don’t ever touch mine again.”

Stunned at the hexblade’s reply, the enermancer trudges out into the woods heading easterly; he removes two tindertwigs from his backpack and strikes them holding them aloft as the sky begins to brighten a faint orange-like color.

“What? Where’d he get those things? I will make him comply with my inquiries or there shall be pain.” Lord Horatius mutters under his breath.




*this is a George Orwell quote that I fit in here as it seemed apropos*


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## Jon Potter (Sep 3, 2008)

It's refreshing to read about a group that argues more than my own.


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## Hairy Minotaur (Sep 7, 2008)

*I carry a torch for you*

Lavender spotted it first; a stain against the horizon like a shadow on a sunny day in a field of flowers, down the path to the east the clear morning was swallowed up. Sensing that this might be the arrival they’ve been waiting for, Lavender snapped her fingers and waved silently for the group to get into position. Slyphwhisper moved further up the path so as to get behind the arriving group when the rest of the party leapt out to ambush them.  

The dark cloud grew larger as it traveled down the path towards the cave, Slyphwhisper ghosted into the foliage around him completely concealing his body visually. Gramps spat at the ground and pulled himself up from the crouching position he had next to Discordia and calmly walked out to the middle of the path and stood defiantly at the darkening path.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” The hexblade called out

“Drow.” Was all Gramps said, that one word conjuring up a lifetime of torture for those at the receiving end of the path.

Curses flew back and forth across the path as the party debated fleeing for their lives, staying and fighting, and whether or not the gnome needed to be altered to any of these decisions.

“I fight. That darkness cloud they’re traveling in, keeps them from getting blinded by the sun. Take out the mage and we cripple their defenses.” Gramps alerted the team

Gramps watched the tendrils of the darkness speed up as if it relished a fight with the dwarf, shoving itself along the path using the trees to slingshot itself towards the old warrior. Slyphwhisper stood motionless as the cloud passed in front of him; a full fifty feet from front to back the gnome imagined all forms of beasts and demons contained within the inky blackness. A worrisome silence fell over the area as the first volley was shot at the bold dwarf; several hand bolts clanged off the dwarf’s shield and fell to the ground. The cloud reared up and swallowed up Gramps in roiling darkness and then was suddenly still. Shouts from the drow preceded a growl from the dwarf as the clanging of weapons echoed out of the darkness.

Lord Horatius arose from his hiding spot first, arbitrarily chucking alchemist fire into the cloud of darkness before rushing into the blackness himself. The enermancer crawled out onto the path and slowly approached the hesitant to charge headlong into the field. 

“Hey, get up off your hands and knees. We’ve surprised them with are attack, get up in there and kill something!” Lavender shouted as screams of terror erupted from inside the cloud sounding nothing like a dwarf or an elf.

Slyphwhisper waited until the hexblade shouted from within the cloud before he progressed into the darkness. The gnome noticed that as he passed through the barrier that the light darkened to that of a sky just before the thunderstorm starts. He spotted Gramps and Lord Horatius engaged with black-purple skinny elf-like creatures next to them were two burning carts that rocked back and forth on their own volition as another black elf lay at the foot of the right cart smoldering and unmoving. Immediately in front of Slyphwhisper, however stood a robbed black elf watching the battle intently as barking out orders to the rest of his people.  Slyphwhisper crept quietly behind the elf and in a practice motion, slipped the blade midway up the back of the drow and to the right of its spine.  

The drow shrieked in pain and tried to reach for the blade in the middle of his back, as he turned slowly to face his attacker one hand groping for the weapon in his back that was just out of reach and the other hand raised to cast a spell at his attacker. Slyphwhisper was ready though and as the drow’s arm went up, the gnome’s second dagger went down and wedged itself through the drow’s elbow. Blood raced down the drow’s arm as the spell failed and fizzled in midair. Defeated, the drow dropped to his knees as his blood pumped externally from the two wounds. The drow put the hand from his good arm on the ground in front of the gnome as his breathing became ragged. Lifting his head up to face his killer the drow began to enunciate a final spell. Slyphwhisper kneed the drow in the mouth and put his index finger to his mouth in a hushing motion. Shushing the drow and then using his third dagger to end the mage’s life. 

As the drow mage fell to the ground the cloud of darkness too collapsed. The remaining four drow were instantly blinded and two were felled quickly as they dropped all defense to cover their eyes. With the cloud gone, Discordia joined in the fun by blasting the off-balanced drow from her safe vantage point. Lavender scanned the scene looking for the source of the screaming still going on. She spied the two alight carts and saw the bound humans squirming in them. Lavender without delay began aiming her healing bolts into them before they lost their battle with burn wounds. The cheese maker called out to the enermancer to help her put out the flames and save the captives.  As the enermancer and Lavender reached the first cart, Discordia dropped one of the drow as Gramps and Lord Horatius moved to tag team the other drow. 

“Don’t kill it we need some answers.” Slyphwhisper’s voice called out 

The two men turned their weapons and took turns pommeling the consciousness out of the drow and then turned their attention to rescuing the captives the Lord Horatius’ random firebombing had set on fire. An unapologetic Lord Horatius tried to use the last burning pieces of wood from the carts to reignite the drow that had been burned to death. 

“He’s dead, you can stop now.” Slyphwhisper commented

“Burn him again, here I help ye.” Gramps responded, and the two men busied themselves with trying to make refried drow.

Lavender and Discordia retrieved some rope from their backpacks and debated the best way to tie up the knocked out drow. The enermancer offered to complete the job for the women, gladly they handed over their ropes and the enermancer approached the downed drow. He took one of the ropes and tossed it on the drow. Then waited.

The women gave each other sideways glances as if to tell the other one that this was the other’s fault. 

“What are you waiting for?” Lavender inquired

“Shh. I’m calling on the god of hemp to bind the drow for me.” Replied a concentrating enermancer

“Why don’t you smoke the other rope, maybe he’ll get here faster?” Discordia smirked

“Here, let me do it.” Lavender says as she slips the remaining rope off the enermancer’s shoulder and begins to bind the drow’s hands and feet.

“You do that like you’ve done some bondage role-playing Lavender.” Discordia observed

“I’ve done my share of hogtying calves.” Lavender replies

“Why would a cheese maker need cattle?” the enermancer asks

“Uh… to make the cheese. From milk.” Lavender explains

“Barbaric, haven’t your people heard of self-induced cheese making? Here I thought your vast acreage was being used to house all of the bodies needed for proper cheese making. Turns out you’ve been pulling cow teats all this time.” The enermancer responds

“What the heck are you talking about; I need the milk to make the cheese I sell.” Lavender states

“You should move into the less violent realm of cheese making, I myself have made from fine bricks of the stuff if I should say.” The enermancer boasts

“Really, what’s your best cheddar?” Lavender asks

“I don’t do cheddar; I make toe cheese and fromunda cheese. Has a heady flavor with a slight nutty aftertaste.” The enermancer answers to two nauseated listeners.

Slyphwhisper finally cut the bonds of the drow’s prisoners and helped them off the path and under a tree; he shared Gramps’ waterskin that he had pilfered while the dwarf busied himself trying to re-burn the dead drow. Slyphwhipser learned that all of the prisoners were magic-using individuals of some sort and that the drow seemed to focus on just them during their respective battles. They drow moved through the battle and grabbed them. The drow then quickly retreated back to their camp and tied them up and threw them in the wagons. They told Slyphwhisper that they had been traveling for just over a day. The gnome thanked them and then left them to their own devices. 

The drow was beginning to come around as Lavender, Discordia, and the enermancer prepared to interrogate the creature. Discordia propped the drow up and the enermancer squatted in front of its face. 

“Where were you going?” The enermancer questions

No reply came from the drow, “from where did you come?” the enermancer spoke again

Again no reply from the drow, “I guess he’s not going to talk.” The enermancer relayed with a shrug of his shoulders

“What kind of interrogation was that? We’re not his babysitters step aside and let the fiend in there.” Lavender demands

The teifling glares back at the cheese maker, “I don’t know what to do. Just because my mother had some extra kick in her DNA doesn’t mean I know how to impress upon a drow that his life is in danger if he doesn’t speak to us.” Discordia replies

“He’s dead anyway, you’ll kill him after we’re through getting what we need out of him.” Lavender answers

“Well that’s kinda harsh, who kills an unarmed tied up assailant out of spite?” The enermancer inquires

“You do once we find out what he’s been up to and if he knows where the duke’s son is.” Lavender answers

“Way ahead of you cheesy.” Lord Horatius replied as his began striking his custom made flint stone onto the strips of dried cloth he had just placed on the drow’s head.

“What are doing?” Lavender questions

“Killing him as requested.” The hexblade answers

“That speech was for show of strength to the drow, they won’t talk to you if they think you’re inferior.” Lavender explains her strategy

“Oh he won’t be thinking inferior when he’s begging me to put out is azer-like head.” Lord Horatius explains his strategy

“What should we do?” Discordia asks Lavender

“Stop him from setting him on fire obviously, do something to get that to happen.” Lavender answers

Discordia begins to disrobe

“Great, well at least he stopped trying to set the drow on fire. You get the flint from him.” Lavender pokes at the enermancer who himself is also watching the warlock go to work.

“Fine I’ll do it.” Lavender reaches out for the flint but Lord Horatius pulls the rock back

“Don’t touch Mr. Blister.” The hexblade commands

“What? You’ve named your rock?” Lavender exclaims

“Of course, when you’ve been through as much as we have together a natural bond forms.” Lord Horatius explains

Gramps shuffles his way up to the downed drow and already wheezing bends over and hacks up some phlegm for the dark elf’s complexion.  

“Lookie here darkling, we can do this the respectful way where I kill you anyway, or we can do this the screaming to yer momma way where my buddy here slowly burns off yer appendages and I mark the stumps with symbols of Eilistraee.” Gramps tells the drow

“Yes!” Gleefully Lord Horatius quickly gets a fire going with some twigs and pieces of unburned wagon

“I tell you nothing Crap of a giant’s diarrhea.” The drow spat

“Burn him.” Gramps said 

Lord Horatius yanked the drow’s left hand free and shoved it into the lager than necessary fire he built next to the drow. The dark elf bit his lip back in pain and grunted loudly but still did not yield any info.

“Do it again.” Lavender commanded

“You going to say anything or are you going to let this torture continue?” Slyphwhisper asked of the enermancer

“You think I should tell them?” the enermancer asked, the gnome nodded in affirmation and the enermancer spoke up to the whole group this time.

“I wouldn’t be burning him if I were you, if you ingest any of that black smoke you’ll get dizzy for a week and after that you’ll sprout stalks on your head with eyes in them! Better you bury him upside down in the ground and cut open his feet so that the maggots can eat away the beholder mist in their bodies first. Then we can dig him back up after a fortnight and burn him safely then.” The enermancer offered

“Tell you what pal, you tell us what we want to know, and I won’t give you over to the crazy guy once we’re done with you. “ Lord Horatius explained

“We were instructed to capture as many mages as possible and bring them to a predetermined exchange point.” The drow spoke

“And where was that?” Lavender questioned

“I was not privy to that information; perhaps if you had been valiant in your battle then the blade sticking out of my leader’s back wouldn’t prevent you from asking him.” The drow related

“So you’re telling us you’re useless to us?” Lavender implied. 

“I. uh. Er..” the drow stammered

“Gotcha.” Gramps responded

“Tsk. Tsk, and here I was looking forward to having more fun with the drow.” A disappointed Discordia said as she began to re-dress herself

The enermancer leaned in close to the drow’s right ear, “dude, come up with something useful, talk about your home world or a good recipe for rhubarb pie.” 

Gramps slammed his shield into the face of the drow knocking him unconscious again. The party hid the wagons off the path and dug shallow graves for the dead drow. The drow prisoner was tied and gagged to a tree and left to fend for himself much to the chagrin of Lard Horatius who begged and pleaded for a pyre to be built to get rid of the bodies.

After a brief break for lunch the party approached the cave as the sky began to get overcast. The enermancer looked nervously skyward as they approached the cave. The party save for the enermancer crept up to scope out the cave. The enermancer stayed back with the party’s gear and gazed upwards.

Slyphwhisper, began detailing the outside of the cave entrance to the party, showing the tracks leading in and the lack of exterior gurads likely meant they were too confident or there were traps inside. 

The sunlight dims perceptively as the orb slides behind a fluffy cloud in the sky. The enermancer sensing the encroaching darkness, thrusts his head up towards the sky to find the sun missing in the afternoon sky.

“Aaaaaa! I’ve failed, the sun has been extinguished!” the enermancer screams and runs for the hexblade’s backpack

Lord Horatius who had wondered over to hear what the gnome was explaining, turned his head towards the sounds of the male screams behind him and spied the enermancer digging through his pack and producing a torch. Panic sets in as the hexblade sprints off to interrupt the thieving enermancer.

“Stop! Don’t touch Susan!” the hexblade shouts

The enemancer looks around for a female held against her will, finding none and nothing out of the ordinary except for a running Lord Horatius, begins trying to light the torch.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” The hexblade demands as he closes the gap to the enermancer

“I’m lighting this torch to re-ignite the sun, the damp clouds have extinguished its light.” The encermancer responds

“You’re doing it wrong. Here let me.” The hexblade replies and shoves the enermancer out of the way 

In two short strokes of the flint, Lord Horatius has the torch burning. The enermancer grabs a hold of the torch but Lord horatius refuses to relinquish his grasp

“Let me have the torch I must re-light the sun!” the enermancer screams

“Take your hands off Susan!” Lord Horatius exclaims

The brawnier enermancer manages to dislodge the hexblade’s fingers from the torch. The enermancer turns and flings the torch skyward in an attempt to hurl the burning wood through a cloud bank thousands of feet into the air. The small stick tumbles over itself for a few seconds before gravity claws at the torch and begins to bring it back to the ground.

“Susan!” The hexblade cries as the torch lands just short of a hundred feet from their location on a dry forest floor

The enermancer looks up at the sky with a defeated glare, with the hexblade sobbing behind him the enermancer turns and puts a hand on Lord Horatius’ shoulder.

“It’s okay let it out. I too shall miss the sun. I know not why you called it Susan but I respect you for giving me the torch that may have saved us all from a dark cold death.” The enermancer spoke

“What?” Lord Horatius responded as he looked up from his wet palms to see the forest floor ablaze with the remnants of flame the torch brought back to the ground, “Yeah!” Lord Horatius shouted as he sprung off his knees and pumped his fist into the air at the sight of the forest afire.

“What the hell did you two freaks do? The whole forest is going to burn down and we’ll be found out for sure!” Lavender squealed

“Blessed be the light, the sun has chosen the earth we walk on to replace it in the celestial sky, isn’t it glorious?” The enermancer announces

*sob* “yes, it’s beautiful.” The hexblade commiserates crying tears of joy at the birthing of a forest fire

The sun creeps out from behind the cloud bank and the enermancer falls to his knees sobbing, “I did it, I saved the sun!”

The thick smoke created from the decaying plant material coupled with the dry leaves crawls across the path and washes over Gramps who in a fit of coughing passes out from the lack of oxygen. Like a carpenter ant and a roses bush both relishing the falling log, Lord Horatius and the enermancer danced gleefully in front of the fire for their own reasons. Discordia rushed to the dwarf’s aid and bent an ear down to the dwarf’s mouth.

“He’s still breathing barely; someone should give him mouth to mouth.” The warlock announces

“What about you? You’re already there.” Lavender chastises

“Me?” Discordia spoke and then felt the wave of heat sluice across her body as the fire began playing with the wind currents, “I’m too hot to do it.” Discordia replied while slipping off her boots slowly and in an exaggerated manner. Then leisurely draw the laces apart on her corset. 

“What the?” Slyphwhisper spoke, “Apparently the enermancer’s insanity has spread, the cheese maker is flipping out, the dwarf is dead and the warlock is getting naked. I’m going to go down that hole, that’s got to be a better place than up here.”


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## Hairy Minotaur (Sep 28, 2008)

*Knock knock. Who's there? BOOM*

Lord Horatius and the enermancer stare lost in thought at the growing forest fire, both with tears in their eyes. Lavender races to Gramps rescue with a timely kick to the ribs to get him coughing and throwing a fit. The two women drag the dwarf’s body to the cave entrance as the skies overhead begin to drizzle in preparation of a summer downpour.

The two firemen take a leisurely stroll to the rest of the party’s location while walking backwards to admire the glowing horizon. They reach the cave entrance as Gramps calms his lung down, the enermancer heads to the front of the party and throws his arms up.

“Comrades I wish to announce that after his assistance with helping me re-light the sun this morning, I have made the decision to re-name the sun Susan in honor of Lord Horatius.” The enermancer states

A stunned silence settles in first, then disgusted confusion, then finally snickers and giggles before Lord Horatius speaks up.

“You dissing me? You think this is funny? Don’t you dare denigrate the memory of Susan with your idiot-savant ways; Mr. Blister already must be washed and sterilized after your meat paws were all over it like a clumsy brown bear.  That’ll take hours; I don’t know if I can convince him to spark up our campfire tonight.” Lord Horatius comments

“What’s the problem? Do you not agree how easy the phrase; look at Susan high up there in the sky providing me with warmth and nourishment, rolls off the tongue?” The enermancer asks

“No I find it humorless and not a fitting tribute at all.” The hexblade answers

“Well what’s done is done, I have already purged the generic name of the great ball of fire in the sky with the name Susan, I know not why you called it Susan before but I can see how much humanizing the object makes me feel one with the Susan.” The enermancer espouses

“What? You can’t rename the sun, you have no authority.” Lord Horatius replies

Slyphwhisper shakes his head and walks deeper into the cave and away from the crazy people. The gnome notes that the back of the cave was extended from its original shape and made bigger and deeper. The infiltrator comes to a fork in the tunnel with a huge boulder acting as a separation for the two paths. One to the left and near, the other to the right and back, the gnome crept up to the left passage and breathed slowly trying to pick up any sounds coming from that path. Hearing voices, Slyphwhipser snuck up some more.

“The Spatial Protectorate of Authoritative Zoning gives me the right to do so.” The enermancer relates

“So are you a paying member or does S.P.A.Z. let you in for free?” Gramps inquires

“You should get their latest issue, I signed up for the lifetime subscription based on just a couple of their issues.” The enermancer explains

“I’m sure they had issues, you’re full of them. I don’t care what kind of mentally deficient society you belong to, you can’t just.” Lord Horatius’ diatribe was interrupted by a screaming and fleeing Slyphwhisper.

“Run!” The gnome shouts as he passes the party headed for the exit followed by a salvo of sling bullets

Chasing down the infiltrator were a gang of Halflings, whipping sling bullets up the corridor. The gnome and the women retreated towards the exit while Gramps stood and placed himself in the path of bullets to give that part of the party cover for their escape. Lord Horatius retreats but at a slower pace and positions himself in-between Gramps and the fleeing members. The enermancer stands his ground fuming with anger.

“We’re too late! The sky god has impregnated Gaia with his mutated seed!” The enermancer decries

“Get out with the others, I got ye covered foolish human.” Gramps orders the enermancer

“No, I must destroy these abominations.” The enermancer replies

“What? They only be Halflings.” Gramps relates

“Exactly.” The enermancer answers, gritting his teeth and foaming at the sides of his mouth

Bullets fly up the cavern and ricochet off Gramps’ tower shield spraying the whole area around him and the enermancer with small steel balls. The dwarf gives the human a nod as if to say ‘let’s do this” then watches in horror as the enermancer drops his blade and pulls out a length of rope with a loop on one end. The enermancer begins twirling the rope over his head as the halflings enter the enermancer’s vision. Ignoring the stinging pellets, the enermancer awaits the arrival of the Halflings and as they close the distance he lassos the rope over the head of Gramps and pulls it tightly around his neck. 

Gramps immediately grabs hold of the noose and tries to untie it; the enermancer however takes off down the tunnel towards the Halflings who have all crowded the right side of the tunnel as they make their ascent. Gramps grabs a hold of the rope around his neck hoping the enermancer doesn’t run off with his head. The enermancer runs through the gang of Halflings who were all too stunned to drop their slings in favor of swords as the human runs passed the cave defenders. The rope is drawn taught and Gramps is jerked forward but he holds his position as the enermancer lets the momentum whip him back towards the left side of the tunnel and start dragging halflings along with him. Gramps falls to the dirt floor with the added weight on the end of the rope.

The enermancer pulls himself another five feet to the left and falls through a pit trap he “knew” would be there. The weight of the human drags all but three of the Halflings over the edge of the pit as well. The enermancer swings down and over the sharp spikes at the bottom of the pit as a choking Gramps is dragged closer to the edge of the pit. Hitting the pit wall on Gramps’ side, the enermancer begins to climb up the excavated wall. The traumatized Halflings who remained on ground level above the pit are quickly added to the victim total as the hexblade cuts one of them down while knocking another into the pit. The last halfling runs away in terror as Lord Horatius celebrates the halfling’s retreating form. 

The enermancer pulls himself up and over the edge of the pit as Lavender heals the friction burns and bruises over Gramps’ neck. Slyphwhisper approaches the enermancer as the hexblade taunts the fleeing halfling with a string of vile curses. 

“How did you know there was a pit there?” The gnome asks incredulously

“You told me when you kept to the right side when you crept down the passage and when you ran back up the passage. Clever little man.” The enermancer answers

“Yeah, but I didn’t even know it was there.” Slyphwhisper comments almost under his breath

“That was certainly an unorthodox way to mass kill a band of halflings.” Discordia comments

“Unorthodox? That was wicked cool!” The hexblade announces

“Sonny, if you ever pull a stunt like that again out of yer arse, I will permanently silence you.” Gramps wheezes

Lord Horatius wastes no time in rappelling down the pit wall to loot the bodies impaled upon the spikes. The hexblade collects all the slings and bullets he can find scattered about the floor and rifles through bloodied clothing looking for loose change. After a few minutes rooting around on the floor of the pit, Lord Horatius is satisfied with his take and ascends the rope back to ground level. He shows off his recovery effort and reminds the party that one of the halflings did get away.

“We’ll need to hunt him down and make sure he tells no one else about our presence here, otherwise we’ll have trackers on our backs for sure.” Lavender mentions

“For a pacifistic cheese maker you know a lot about stalking prey. Gets me all excited.” Discordia states while emphasizing her ample chest assets.

“They’ll be time for trophies later, right now we have to catch us a thief!” Lord Horatius exclaims

“What thief?” Gramps asks

“The one who got away with the rest of my torch replacement funds.” The hexblade explains

The party avoids the pit trap and delves deeper into the cave, they take the left passage and ensure that no more halflings are hiding in the room. Lord Horatius sifts through the debris, but only manages to locate a half eaten apple and some torn cloth swatches. 

“Well based upon this treasure trove I’d say we’ve flushed out the only roaming band of half sized fashion thugs Virdistan has ever seen.” Discordia comments

“Not likely, their kidnapping operations must down the other passageway.” Lavender surmises

“Ya think?” Lord Horatius answers

The enermancer busies himself by tying lengths of branches together with a sharp punching dagger on the end of the makeshift pole. The whole apparatus measuring over fifteen feet in length.

“What are ye going to do with that?” Gramps asks

“Spade the cave mother so no further abominations will plague the area.” The enermancer responds

“Oh, of course. Silly of me to not have realized that.” Gramps replies while sarcastically rolling his eyes

Slyphwhisper again silently nominates himself to scout out the right tunnel off the boulder. This time however he finds an empty room with a hole in the middle of the floor. Approaching slowly he kicks a small stone into the hole and listens as it clangs off some kind of metal on its way down. The gnome waits a few more seconds before walking up to the edge of the manhole and peering into it. A dark shaft leads straight down into darkness at least sixty feet and likely a great deal further. 

“Find something?” Lord Horatius asks

“Maybe, I think this is the way the halfling went. Only one way to find out.” Slyphwhisper answers and begins to descend the metal ladder

The rest of the party arrives to view the hexblade staring down over the manhole.

“Where’s the gnome?” Lavender inquires

Lord Horatius does not verbalize an answer, instead he points at the manhole.

“What? Why wouldn’t he wait for us? He’s going to alter the whole complex to our presence and then we’ll be fighting an uphill battle.” Lavender responds

Lord Horatius just shrugs and begins to descend the ladder as well. Discordia wastes no time in going down and quickly follows the hexblade. Gramps is next then Lavender as the thought of being left alone with the enermancer finally drove her to accept the party direction.

After ninety feet of cramped crawling, the party reaches the floor, where they are greeted with the sight of a stumbling Slyphwhisper who falls onto Lavender and grabs a hold of her dress and then proceeds to empty the contents of his stomach all over the front of her dress. 

“Oh nasty, I think I’ll going to be sick!” Discordia complains

“Are you okay?” Lavender asks while trying to shove the sick man off her dress

“Don’t…. go…. Down…. There.” Were the only words the sick gnome could muster as he pointed off into the darkness

“What’s down there lad?” Gramps demands

“I think we’re in the wrong hole, I can’t spay the earth goddess from this hole. We need to back out slowly and then re-search the halfling bunker room.” The enermancer elaborates

Gramps snorts off the enermancer’s remark and heads off into the darkness, he returns awkwardly before yakking up breakfast himself. 

“Ugh, that was the nastiest smelling smell I ever did smell!” Gramps complains

“Nonsense, can’t be any worse than the smelliest I get down on the farm.” Lavender says before proceeding out into the darkness only to come back vomiting seconds later.

“Here let me try.” The enermancer says and heads over to Gramps

“What?” Gramps says weakly

“I want you to whack me in the nose as hard as you can to disable my olfactory sense for a moment while I proceed into the darkness.

“What?” Gramps asks

The enermancer gets out whack me and Gramps levers his shield into the enermancer’s face. Likely breaking his nose in the process, the enermancer cries out in shock.

“You could’ve warned me you were about to do that.” The enermancer questions

Gramps offers no explanation he just shrugs as he tries to compose himself. The enermancer gets about eighty feet away from the main party before his vision is blurred and he’s eyes are watering excessively. A few more steps and a small building come into view.

“It’s a latrine, that’s what’s causing all the foul air.” The enermancer relays

“We need to bypass it! Look for another exit.” Slyphwhisper

“I prefer a more direct approach.” Lord Horatius answers while retrieving a large bottle of alchemist fire, he then bends down and rifles through the enermancer’s backpack retrieving a sunrod. Activating the rod the hexblade then advances through the thick darkness, holding up the sunrod to lead the way Lord Horatius spots the standing enermancer pointing at a dilapidated shack through a hazy fog of nasal Draino.  

The enermancer waves at the approaching light with his watering eyes and squinting through facial pain he can’t make out who is approaching. His ears hear a creak to his left and he turns in time to catch a long dark object jab into his side from within the shack. Reaching down he yanks the long spear from his abdomen and spies the dark liquid from the wound covering his hands. He drops to one knee as the gangly green creature with a white underbelly opens the door a little further to get a better aim on the enermancer’s head. 

Both creatures hear an object sailing through the air, a glass object strikes the top of the privy and shatters, both creatures turn back to stare down each other when the alchemist fire ignites creating a fireball of methane that blows the enermancer back some forty feet into the cavern wall. Lord Horatius is knocked prone from the firestorm and the whole cavern is lit in a brilliant mock up of the elemental plane of fire. The shanty is destroyed in the process and the troglodyte which minutes ago came to relieve himself found his corneas burned out permanently, his skin fire roasted, his ears deafened, and his last breath a wreathe of smoke escaping from his nose before the fried husk collapsed.

“Yes! Woo!” Lord Horatius shouts while pumping his fists in the air

“I guess subterfuge is no longer an option at this point, even the thoqqua know we’re coming.” Lavender laments


----------



## Hairy Minotaur (Oct 15, 2008)

*Subtraction by Addition?*

As Gramps gasped for breath after the methane blast blew the breathable air into dead air, the rest of the party backed up into the tunnel where the air was still good. The enermancer, blown against the wall behind him, flopped to the ground unconscious with a burned scalp. Lord Horatius rose and turned back to the party, he pumped his fist high and then passed out from lack of oxygen. 

With the nauseating stench of ammonia and methane out of the way, Lavender crept slowly back into the cavern amidst the disgusting odor of burning waste matter and scorched hair. Holding her nose she checked on Lord Horatius to find that he was still breathing, she passed on waking him up fearing another incident of using a fireball to melt an ice cube. She made her way over to the enermancer and healed his bleeding abdomen puncture wound and then healed his head of third degree burns. She was unable to undo the retinal damage of viewing the bright fire envelope him as the creation of the blind spot would require a regeneration application which was currently beyond her reach.

Slyphwhisper ambled into the room next and made a point to walk past the downed hexblade and give him a good kick in the ribs before proceeding to the other side of the cavern. Discordia busied herself with re-tying her brassiere after she had loosened the knots the blast blew it wide open. She seemed to take an inordinate amount of time tying the strands back in intricate knots only someone who wanted a spring loaded escape hatch for her brassiere could appreciate. She watched as Gramps coughed his way back to reality then playfully strode into the cavern swinging her hips so that the tassels on her brassier spun around in opposite directions. 

Slyphwhisper sped towards the opposite exit from the cavern to make sure he would be well notified of any incoming enemies who heard the blast go off and wanted to investigate. He found instead a short passage leading to a carved room that contained chained prisoners to the walls. Two troglodytes cowered on the floor, their eyes temporarily blinded and their ears ringing. The gnome quickly ran in and jabbed a dagger into the back of both their skulls then turned his attentions to the hostages. 

The prisoners were lined up on either side of the room against the walls flanking the entry. Most of them seemed to be alive; there were two that immediately looked dead to the gnome. These bodies were slumped over, hanging out from the wall yet their heads were lying backwards at a most uncomfortable angle. Lavender entered the room next and began scanning the faces of the hostages for the baron’s offspring. 

“Who here needs medical attention?” Slyphwhisper called out to which a crescendo of moans erupted in reply.

Lavender nudged the gnome and bent down to whisper, “I can’t heal anyone right now I’m spent for the next eight hours and even then I wouldn’t be able to help them all.”

“Great, these people can’t wait that long, we need to find the Baron’s kid and get out of here before the hexblade finds a natural gas deposit. 

“We may have to fight our way out of here, who among you is able to defend themselves and or another as we retrace our steps?” Slyphwhisper asks

“Were you the ones who set off the explosion and tried to collapse the cavern trapping us in here until we died?” Spat a fuming man with green robes with a snake tattoo covering his shaved head. 

“No, that was the troglodyte who lit a match to see where he dropped his spear after we hailed him.” Slyphwhisper replied

“What are you waiting for release us!” came a growing response

The gnome began rifling through the pockets of the dead troglodytes looking for the keys to the manacles around the wrists of the prisoners.

“What’s taking so long!” The response grew louder

“What’s the problem?” Lavender asked the infiltrator

“I can’t pick a lock, I need the keys and these troglodytes don’t have it.” Slyphwhisper answers

Into the cacophony of fuming vocal prisoners sauntered in Discordia, “Hey guys, look what I can do.” The tiefling stated as she showed off her tassel spinning technique.

“Not helping!” Slyphwhisper shouted to the warlock who quickly assessed that she was not in a friendly place

“You found the hostages! Why didn’t you release them?” Discordia questions

“Idiot! I’m trying to find the key!” Slyphwhisper shouts back

“Hey, the enermancer found a key on the troglodyte’s body by the privy. Maybe you need that one?” Discordia offers

The gnome shouts for the enermancer to meet him in the small room immediately. After a couple seconds the enermancer appears in the doorway.

“Whoa, what kind of demon worship is this?” The enermancer ponders

“Never mind that, sexpot over there said you found a key on the dead troglodyte.” Slyphwhisper asks

“Yes.” The enermancer replies

“Give it to me so I can see if it will unlock these chains.” The gnome demands

“Whoa, slow down there little buddy. We don’t even know to what demon these people were being sacrificed to. Don’t you think it prudent to find out that bit of information before releasing a lifetime of bad juju upon us?” The enermancer answers

“Give me the damn key!” Slyphwhisper demands

“Okay, but just so you know when they attack you that I warned you about the bad juju.” The enermancer says while handing over the small bronze key.

Slyphwhisper tries the locks only to find that the key is much too small. The frustrated gnome tosses the trinket across the room.

“Letting the sacrifices stay locked up, good man, an excellent choice. It’s what I would’ve done. It’s the right move.” The enermancer’s words turn the displeased hostages into a full hate on.

Unable to think, Slyphwhisper exit the room and heads back into the huge cavern. Soon followed by Lavender, Discordia, and the enermancer.

“What do we do now?” Lavender asks

“I don’t know, I can’t pick the lock and no one has the key.” Slyphwhisper answers

“Then there’s someone else wondering around down here or up there with the key.” Discordia offers

“Maybe we should go back and bring help?” Lavender suggested

“They’ll be dead by the time we return; most demons won’t wait for rescuers to return they’ll just eat them on the spot. Terrible table manners.” The enermancer explains

“Step aside; let a real man in there.” Lord Horatius huffs as he shoves the enermancer out of the way.

Lord Horatius turns and warns the others “Don’t come in here until I say so!” 

 As the hexblade enters the room, the cries for assistance increase, then lots of screaming and asking what is going ons, then all is quiet with the prisoners.

“All ready in here.” Lord Horatius says and the rest of the party enters a room so thick with fear that the enermancer got out his crackers.

“What did you do?” Slyphwhisper demands

“Nothing I wasn’t prepared to do.” Lord Horatius answers

“Why does it smell like lamp oil in here?” Discordia asks, Lord Horatius just whistles as if he did not hear the question

“Apparently there is a secret door at the back of this room, I believe the one with the key to these chains resides in there along with the important prisoners.” Lord Horatius explains

“How’d you find that out?” Slyphwhisper asks incredulously

“Intimidate is not only a skill but a tool.” The hexblade replies

Slyphwhisper goes to work on the secret door, finding the latch he releases the locking mechanism and backs away so the newly arrived Gramps can push the door open. The dwarf heaves on the door and it slides away, revealing a handful of troglodytes and a lone halfling.

“Abomination!” The enermancer screams and charges the halfling ignoring the short spears of the troglodytes. 

Gramps wades into the room next, hacking down a prepared troglodyte as if he were surprised to see opposition. Lord Horatius, annoyed at the wide dwarf blocking his entry into the killing spree, tossed an alchemist fire just over the head of the dwarf and it landed under a troglodyte. The substance splashed up the creature’s legs and set his lower half on fire. Screaming and running for the door brought the engulfed troglodyte to meeting with the sharp side of Gramps’ axe and the dwarf chopped him down.

“Why do you insist on burning the evidence?” Lavender chastises the hexblade

“What evidence? I’m leaving a calling card.” Lord Horatius answers

Slyphwhisper sneaks past Gramps and helps the enermancer corner the halfling near the back of the room. The kidnapper takes a dagger out and presses it to the throat of a gagged and blindfolded female captive.

“Take another step and this one becomes a tax write off.” The halfling threatens

“Tell me what demon you plan on sacrificing these innocents to and I shall let you go first in line to meet it.” The enermancer challenges

“What? These are not for … we’re not sacrificing …. What are you talking about?” the halfling questions

“Surely now is not the time to be modest, be proud creature! Say his name out high so that all may hear of your twisted evil deed!” the enermancer espouses

“What is wrong with you man? We’re just selling these off for profit, no one’s sacrificing anyone. You got this all wrong.” The halfling counters and points his dagger at the enermancer to emphasize his point.

Slyphwhisper takes the opportunity to bound across the room and drive his dagger into the side of the halfling. The enermancer follows the gnome’s strike up with a swing of his own, nearly taking off the left arm of the kidnapper. Knocked prone and bleeding profusely, the kidnapper surrenders.

“Lavender we need a patch job!” Slyphwhisper calls out, but the enermancer had other plans as he takes out two tindertwigs and douses the halfling with lamp oil. The kidnapper already quickly descending into shock begins to hasten that retreat.

“What are you doing? We can’t burn him we need information.” Slyphwhisper decries

“What? Burning?” Lord Horatius bull rushes himself into the room, knocking over Lavender who was answering Slyphwhisper’s call and Gramps who was engaged with the last troglodyte. The hexblade hurdles the falling dwarf and collides with the enermancer.

Slyphwhisper quickly removes the tindertwigs and withdraws his waterskin so he can try to wash off the lamp oil. Lord Horatius clambers to the ground and ends up sprawled out on the floor, the contents of his backpack scatter across the floor. The enermancer picks up Mr. Blister and tries to ignite the halfling while Slyphwhisper pours water over the dying creature. Lord Horatius leaps to his feet and grapples the enermancer to try and wrest the flint stone out of his hands. Slyphwhisper succeeds in dumping the rest of his waterskin on the halfling while Lavender moves up to tourniquet his shoulder.

The troglodyte seizes its chance to escape and pokes its spear into the soft belly of the dwarf under his breastplate. Puncturing a lung Gramps begins heaving badly as the troglodyte turns to escape only to get a hole in its chest as Discordia eldritch blasts the thing back into the room. 

“Ta da.” Discordia announces with the death of the troglodyte as she enters the room. Hearing the gurgling from Gramps she pauses to look him over.

“Um, I don’t think the dwarf is okay.” The tiefling comments

“He always sounds like that.” Lord Horatius answers without looking back at Gramps

“Maybe, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen blood pouring from his mouth like that.” Discordia replies

Lavender sprung up from the injured kidnapper and headed over to Gramps. Checking for wounds, she locates the slow bleed from under his breastplate. Releasing the armor from the dwarf’s torso, Lavender applies pressure to the wound.

“I don’t know how much I can do here; he’s going to need healing if he’s going to survive the night.” Lavender advises

Urgent moaning came from the back of the room from the prisoner the halfling had threatened. Lord Horatius and the enermancer ceased their fighting over the flint stone long enough to watch Slyphwhisper remove the binds and gag from the hostage. Long blonde hair cascaded around an innocent face of beauty. The hexblade and enermancer put aside their feud to attempt a quick grooming, to which Discordia was immediately put off by. 

“I’m a cleric. I can help.” The sultry voice spoke 

“Our old man over there got hurt and needs something to staunch the wild horses from pouncing on cotton monocles.” Lord Horatius speaks up

Slyphwhisper kicks the hexblade in the shin, “act like you’ve seen a female of your race before.” The gnome reprimands

“What god do you pray to?” The enermancer inquires

“Um, like she’s got blonde hair and lives in the woods. I love trees and animals and she digs them to so it was so totally a super combination of her power and my inventiveness that’s just an awesome pairing. Hee hee.” The woman replies

“Oh yeah, she’ll fit right in, as in you two idiot’s missing gestalt.” Slyphwhisper comments

“Can you heal our dwarf?” The enermancer asks

“I can try, he looks really bad off. I think I have an orison that may help him.” The woman answers

As the cleric espouses her lack of clericalism Slyphwhisper catches movement just to his left and turns to what he thought was the bedroll of a hill giant only to realize it was alive. The gnome cuts the bonds free from what ends up being the fattest human he’s ever seen. 

“I have something that will help the dwarf.” The woman states and she discomfitedly rises from her seated position and agilely wades over to the dwarf. Reaching into her robes she produces a potion and dumps its contents into Gramps’ mouth.

The dwarf sputters back to life as the healing potion takes effect. 

“Wow, what god do you pray to that gives you drinking bottles” the cleric questions

“I am Helga, I know not why I have been detained here but I wish to exact revenge upon my captors.” The rotund woman introduces herself

“Wait, wait if we’re letting Hefty Helga follow us around then I demand that, what’s your name dear?” Lord Horatius asks the cleric

“Tethys.” The cleric replies

“That Tethys be allowed to join the party.” The hexblade finishes

“Why would you want her she can’t even tell you which god she prays to and she’s not the one who saved Gramps.” Slyphwhisper counters

“What spells do you have?” Lord Horatius asks

“Well I prayed for fireball.” Tethys answers

“She’s in.” the pyromaniac hexblade drools

“Yay!” Tethys celebrates while jumping up and down, hypnotizing the two human males

“What? What god gives their clerics fireball?” Discordia speaks up

“Who cares, the fact the she’s got fireball clinches it for me.” Lord Horatius explains

“Oh I don’t have fireball, I just pray for it every day. I haven’t gotten it thus far but I figure I’m so totally wearing down the dude I pray to resolve.” Tethys replies

“I thought you said your god was a woman?” The enermancer interjects

“Oh this is rich; she’s definitely in because you can’t buy this kind of stupidity even in the abyss.” Discordia


----------



## Hairy Minotaur (Nov 18, 2008)

*Did someone say bachelor party?*

The swollen party ambled out of the back cell room and back into the angry mob that was still dangling from their manacles in the previous room. Slyphwhisper ignored the crying, demanding, cursing, and racial slurs thrown his way as he scurried across the room to peer out the exit for any signs of reinforcements from the captors. He saw nothing but death strewn across the cavern. Behind him he heard clapping and the sound of coins being dropped at the back of the room where he left the rest of the group. Pushing the sounds out of his mind he re-focused on the darkness ahead of him. 

Seconds later he became aware of a large creature behind him, breathing heavily and licking their chops. He still heard the clapping, but what he thought were the sounds of rescued prisoners could not be as the din of their dissent echoed from all around him. Fed up at the distraction Slyphwhisper turned around ready to tear into someone’s ear when his face bounced off the girth of Helga and he stared up at the massively framed woman.

“Don’t stand so close to me.” The gnome advises

“I didn’t feel like taking in the show.” Helga says motioning to the back of the room with her thumb 

Slyphwhisper walks around the potion carrying circus entertainer and spies the rest of the party in the back of the room huddled around someone dancing. 

“Watch the door; let me know if anyone starts coming this way.” Slyphwhisper commands

“Sure thing chief.” Helga replied and saluted the small gnome as he walked to the back of the room where Tethys was dancing seductively amidst Lord Horatius and the enermancer tossing money on the ground in front of her.

“What the hell? Why isn’t anyone releasing the captives?” Slyphwhisper demands

“She said she was a hedonist, what did you expect them to do?” Discordia explains

“What’s your excuse? Can’t you free the captives?” the gnome questions

“Pfft. They’re not going anywhere, besides I’ve got a pocket full of me time with this one.” Discordia answers the gnomes and turns back to Tethys, *whistle* “Hey, 73 gold pieces are screaming lap dance for the teifling!” 

“Well, okay, but no touching. I don’t know where you’ve been” The enermancer states, “we just going to do this here?” the enermancer inquires pointing at the floor beneath him.

“What? I wasn’t talking to you, get away from me.” Discordia says and shoves the sack of coins in Tethys’ face with her left hand and shoves the enermancer away with her right hand.

“Hey, I said no touching!” The enermancer protests

Slyphwhisper darts in and cuts open the sack, causing the coins to spill out all over the floor. Gramps and Lord Horatius immediately dive to the floor.

“Later!” Slyphwhisper yells, right now I want these people freed before they are made to suffer any longer for your stupidity!” 

Tethys continues to dance away at her own inner dance music, eyes closed, oblivious to the world around her. Slyphwhisper practices his trip maneuver and causes the women to crumple to the floor.

“What’s the problem gnome? Don’t like Thellyne’s moves?” Tethys replies

“Oh so now you remember your god’s name, pity I have to be the moral majority in this band of idiots. You’d think your god would want you to spread her faith not your business card around.” The gnome answers

“What? Whose deity? Fertility rites are very sacred to… ah…. Um…. Hmm.. some people’s beliefs?” Tethys said shrugging her shoulders at the end hoping that was the right answer

Slyphwhisper shook his head and wandered away from the gas leak that must be at the back of the room. Around him he saw the joyous cries of freed prisoners happy to get away from the party at all costs. He made his way back up to Helga who was peering intently into the darkness. 

“Any report?” Slyphwhisper asked

“Yes, there’s a bunch of people all headed that way, away from this location. I think we scared them off.” Helga breathed heavily 

Slyphwhisper watched as former hostages raced around the large woman and into the dark cavern beyond, he saw Helga trace each one’s outline for as far as her human eyes could see. He then tugged on her robe until she turned and stared him down.

“Yes boss?” Helga huffed

“You’re a moron.” The gnome answered and headed out into the darkness to help those who had run aground of burnt troglodyte and were groping around in the darkness. Igniting a sunrod the gnome led the prisoners up to the surface and to freedom.

The gnome waits at the cave entrance for the rest of the party to stumble their way up through the darkness. After almost giving up from waiting over an hour the party arrives.

“Susan! Your light brings joy to the thousands of faces you golden each day.” The enermancer intones

Lord Horatius walks up behind the enermancer and slaps him on the back of the head.

“What?” The enermancer says and spins around

“Bug.” Lord Horatius answers and slaps the enermancer across the forehead, “worm.”

Unable to locate the missing baron’s daughter, the party congregates on what to do next. Tethys mentions she heard the halflings talking about another place they held prisoners. A ruined temple not too far from here as the halflings seemed to have made it there and back in one day. 

“How do we find it if all the witnesses are dead?” Gramps pondered aloud

“I can speak with the forest creatures and ask them where this temple might be located.” Tethys offers

The party agrees that is a great suggestion and so Tethys flings off her tattered robe revealing a cloth bikini underneath. The cleric heads to the edge of the tree line to the left of the cave entrance and begins to intone her spell which sounds very similar to “here kitty, kitty, kitty.” 

With provocative somatic components and a verbal component that sounded like a catcall, Tethys shimmied her way into the low lying brush next to the cave and the tree line. 

“What the hell is she doing?” Slyphwhisper asks

“Calling for a big cat I would guess.” Gramps answered

“Why is she presenting in the breech position then?” Slyphwhisper comments

“Maybe it has something to do with a hypnotic motion of the rear muscles.” Discordia suggests

“Perhaps she is summoning a burro and therefore is talking out of her ass?” the enermancer offers

“That would explain your hygiene problem, I thought the stuff coming out of you face hole was a tad rank.” Lord Horatius says to the enermancer

“I await Susan’s golden shower of life to cleanse me, not when your olfactory senses dictate I wash myself.” The enermancer responds

Tethys walks back to the party with a ferret-like creature in her hands, “look I found a kitty.” Tethys says proudly

“Where? All I see is that muskrat in your arms.” Gramps replies

“Pshaw, no silly this is a kitty. Listen to it purr.” Tethys says holding it up for all to see

“That’s not a purr that’s a growl you idiot. That thing’s feral.” Lavender replies

Lord Horatius steps up for a better look, scaring the small mammal and causing it to release its musk scent all over Tethys. It then flees up and over her shoulder clawing its way as it goes scratching the cleric’s arm along the way.

“I think I know where this temple may be, my pappy used to tell us not to go too far south of the farm otherwise the zombies guarding the old temple would come after us.” Helga insinuates

“What took you so long to speak up?” Gramps inquired

“Well because the only thing I can tell you from that story is that the temple is north of here.” Helga mouth breathes

“Well it’s a start; we’ll head north and hope there a trail for us to follow.” Slyphwhisper comments and the party heads off to the north.

About fifteen minutes later they find the beginning of a path through the smoldering forest. Racing along the path they halt just short of a huge clearing with a large fresco cut into the side of a hill. The frescos depict large muscular men with heads of jackals looking down upon the area in front of two stone doors. A couple of trees breakup the view about twenty feet from the doors to the left, and a few bushes are sprinkle to the right of the temple doors.

“Looks like your instincts were right Helga.” Gramps comments

The party makes a run for the door trying to cover the open ground as quickly as possible to lesson the impact of an ambush. Gramps trips on his way out of the tree line and starts hacking up his lungs. Tethys and Lavender stop to help the dwarf to a sitting position as the rest of the part reaches the stone doors.

“We should probably search for traps.” Lord Horatius announces

Slyphwhisper was just about to comment when an arrow zips through the air and lodges itself in Lord Horatius’ right thigh.

“Ow! I’ve been shot! Medic!” the hexblade wails

“Those trees over there, we’re being shot at through the cover of the branches.” The enermancer points out before an arrow bounces off his chestplate and nicks his chin as it ricochets behind him. 

Slyphwhisper catches some movement in the tree closest to the group, “there I see him!” Slyphwhisper points and scurries off towards the tree he saw the movement in. Lord Horatius follows the gnome hobbling along as best he can with the enermancer brining up the rear. Helga and Discordia hang back by the doors; Helga tries to motion to the group with Gramps to make a run for it to the doors while Discordia tries to strategically place Helga between Discordia and the hail of arrows from the trees.

Slyphwhisper begins ascending his tree as Lord Horatius peers up at the tree to the right of the one the gnome is ambling up. As he does so another arrow shaft zips down and pierces his left shoulder causing the hexblade to reflexively drop his weapon. The hexblade peers up into the tree’s canopy but still cannot make out and figures contained in it. The enermancer halts beneath the tree on the far left and stares up into it, only to get an arrow into his shoulder as well, causing the human to wince in pain as he grasps his shoulder. 

Lord Horatius takes another arrow to his body, this one into his right foot, temporarily pinning his leg to that spot. Enraged with frustration Lord Horatius unslings his backpack and rifles through it while Slyphwhisper makes it up to the branch level that hides a crouching gnoll with a short bow. Creeping out along the branch the gnome manages to jab his dagger point into the back of the hairy gnoll startling the creature and making it drop its bow to the ground below. The half dog beast lets out a growl as it draws a short sword and faces the gnome in the branches.

The enermancer looks up into his tree, unable to see anything hiding he looks over at the pincushion; Lord Horatius and shrugs, “I don’t think my tree is attacking us.” As an arrow narrowly misses the human hissing past his right ear and sticking into the ground behind him.

“It fears your disinterest! Act like you don’t care and it won’t hurt you!” The enermancer calls out

“Screw you!” Lord Horatius answers, finding what he was looking for he tosses the glass bottle up into the tree’s canopy. The Alchemist fire ignites and the top of the tree begins to erupt in a ball of fire, “Yes! Burn baby burn!” 

The gnoll in the burning tree begins barking hysterically; momentarily distracting the gnoll that Slyphwhisper is battling. The gnome uses this opening to jab his dagger in-between the beast’s ribs and into its lungs. A rush of air escapes the puncture sight as the gnoll backs away in pain and loses it’s footing on the branch. The gnoll tumbles though smaller braches and lands face down on the ground below unmoving. 

The enermancer looks around and leans on the tree nonchalantly, picking at his fingernails, trying to appear uncaring over being shot at. The gnoll above him howls with glee over the easy target, yet again fails to hit his mark as the arrow catches a small branch on the way down, deflecting it enough to land in the trunk of the tree a few inches above the enermancer’s head. Lord Horatius chucks another alchemist fire into the burning tree above him and the wind fans the flames onto the tree Slyphwhisper is in. The gnome squeals and leaps for the tree trunk trying to fall gracefully from the burning wind. 

Lord Horatius squeals like a child as his conflagration catches another tree on fire. The gnoll above the hexblade climbs to the highest weight sustaining branch it could find, but unable to escape the raging fire it leaps off the tree and crashes through several burning tree limbs and lands hard on the ground below. Whimpering and unable to move, Lord Horatius hobbles over and ends its life.  

Terribly outnumbered and with an approaching killer gnome headed its way, the gnoll above the enermancer climbs to a lower branch and leaps off towards Lord Horatius. The hexblade dodges the hairy creature and engages it in battle with his off hand. The gnome reverses direction and is able to flank the creature as a stunned enermancer looks on.

“This tree gave birth to a gnoll? Astounding! I must document this for the rest of my fellow crypto-zoologists. Don’t kill it I need a fresh specimen!” The enermancer calls out and advances towards the gnoll with a crazed lust in his eyes. 

The terrified gnoll backs into Lord Horatius’ blade and eviscerates himself as Slyphwhisper ensures that the gnoll’s blood flow won’t be staunched accidentally. 

“Aw, how can I use that?” The dejected enermancer states as the third tree also catches on fire, “Aw, would you look at that? The evidence is going up in smoke!” 

Tethys and Lavender help Gramps make it to the stone doors with the ambushers dead. The party coalesces around the temple’s entrance. Bright blue-green gems gleamed in the falling sunlight, the enermancer and Lord Horatius looked at each other sideways and then back at the gems. Tethys and Lavender work to remove the arrows lodged in the hexblade and patch him up to the best of their ability.

“Hey Slyphwhisper, can you climb up there and pry those gems loose?” Lord Horatius asks

“Yeah right, that situation screams trap if I ever saw one, there’s no way I’m going up there.” The gnome replies

“I can get them down.” Helga heaves

“Five gold she can’t get two feet on the statue.” Lord Horatius offers Gramps

“Ten gold says she topples the statue over.” Gramps counter offers

“Deal.” The hexblade replies

Helga spits in her hands and reaches up for a good set of handholds. Finding a good grip Helga hefts herself up to navel level of the left side statue. Grabbing a hold of the weapon arm, Helga hoists herself and stares eye level at the large Lapis-Lazuli gem embedded in the forehead of the jackal-headed statue. Reaching inside her massive robes, Helga pulls out a mini crowbar and small hammer. 

“Easy as pie.” Helga says looking back at the party before returning her attention to the gem in front of her. 

Helga taps her crowbar into place and leveraging herself against the weapon arm of the statue, Helga begins to pry the gem out. A few tugs weren’t enough to dislodge the gem so the woman grabbed the crowbar with both hands and gave it one good jerk and the gem popped free into the hands of Helga who cradled the hard won spoil, oblivious to the fact that she was now falling backwards as she had no grip on the statue. Helga plummeted the dozen feet to the earth with a loud thud shaking the ground beneath the party. Tethys and Lavender rushed to her side while Gramps and Lord Horatius tried to figure out who had won the bet.

“I think you dented the stone.” Slyphwhisper comments

“Impossible, the only thing powerful enough to dent stone is the kidney stone from a flail snail that’s been fed a steady diet of orc beer.” The enermancer relates

Helga sits up shakily and is helped to her feet by the two healers. She shows off the Lapis-Lazuli and her darkened smile made possible by a tooth exiting its socket when the girthy woman slammed into the ground. Helga wobbled over to the other statue and began climbing that one.

“Please get down, let the professional up there.” Slyphwhisper pleaded

“I am a professional.” Helga huffed back as she reached eye level with the gem on the other statue, not wanting a repeat of the first statue, Helga reached back to brace herself on the weapon arm of this statue. Her hand reached back and found empty air and the woman crashed back to earth again as this statue had both its arms at its waist. The gnome almost lost his footing as the ground protested the sudden added weight. 

This time however Slyphwhisper didn’t wait for the clerics to put humpty dumpty together again and he began clambering up the statue. Three-fourths of the way up his foot became lodged between two ham hocks as Helga clasps her meat hooks around the ankle of the gnome and pulls him back down off the statue.

“If I needed an amateur to do my job, I’d have asked for the pyromaniac. Not sit there and watch a master at work.” Helga orders

“The only thing you’re a master at is falling on your ass, I don’t have time to wait for you to bring the gem down by knocking the statue over by your multiple vibrations on the earth.” Slyphwhisper protests

“All this standing around in the sun is making me sweaty, if we don’t find shade soon I’m going to have to start unencumbrancing myself.” Discordia announces

“Way ahead of you teifling.” Tethys declares flipping off her bikini top 

The enermancer, Lord Horatius, Gramps, and Discordia immediately lost interest in what Slyphwhisper and Helga were fighting over.

“What the heck? What is your people’s problem, get right or get lost. You keep taking that thing off we’re going to get ambushed by a hill giant with a head cold and a tourettes problem.” Slyphwhisper comments

Slyphwhisper watches as the shadow around him grows larger in a hurry as the sound of a manure cart getting shoved off a cliff whistles through the air over his head, cowering in fear for his life, Slyphwhisper watches in horror as the rest of the party has turned their attentions back to Tethys’ chest as now Discordia as taken her top off and the two women are comparing brassieres. Slyphwhisper glances up at his fast approaching death and sees a huge form blot out the sun as it descends through the air and pounces on the ground next to the gnome. The massive form of Helga straightens out while holding the gem in front of her for Slyphwhisper to see. Shaking and dizzy Slyphwhisper waves off the gem collapses in a heap next to the statue.

“What’s the backing made out of?” Discordia asks

“Chainmail it’s the latest in stylish defense. Look defenseless while protecting the assets. Plus it gives me a good pinch every once in a while to let me know I’m still alive.” Tethys replies

“I like behir skin myself, a little rough to the feel and every now and then you get a warm electrical buzz through the fabric. Very exhilarating, makes me want to get a complete undergarment set of behir. Too bad apparently no tanner I’ve found will make me a behir thong.” Discordia relates

 “That’s a shame; if I knew how to work with dead animals I could do it for you. About the only thing I can do now is cast _grease_ on it, but I usually reserve that for my own issues when the metal is especially nippy” Tethys offers

The two women get re-dressed and the mob makes its way to the stone doors.

“Figures the gnome would wind up in a fetal position.” Lord Horatius comments 

Gramps and the enermancer grab hold of the doors and pry them open with surprising ease. Their satisfaction in a job well done ends when the first salvo of crossbow bolts shoot through the party as the dust from the doors opening begins to clear and the forms of gnolls can be made out beyond the dust.


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## Hairy Minotaur (Nov 27, 2008)

*Dwarf tossing gone wrong*

Chaos ensues as Lord Horatius and the enermancer press against the door to avoid the direct fire of the crossbows. Gramps dives to the earth as Lavender, Tethys and Discordia dive behind Helga. The initial volley fails to hit a target as the hexblade and the enermancer peel themselves off the doorframe and step up to meet some gnolls ready for some melee combat. The next wave of missile fire whizzed past the front combatants and peppered Helga over the head of Gramps.

The dwarf reached over and tugged on Slyphwhisper trying to get the gnome’s head into the battle. From behind him though a water buffalo kicked up dirt and raged against the situation. Rolling to his right and knocking into the gnome, Gramps hoped to avoid the trampling hoofed creature. Craning his neck around, Gramps saw Helga pawing at the dirt beneath her feet like a rhinoceros before it charges. 

“Clear!” Gramps yelled, confusing the hexblade and enermancer who battled within the temple

Lord Horatius was set to reply when he heard the steam engine behind him. The hexblade moved off to the side of the enermancer, allowing the gnolls to fight back to back as they turned to face the two adventurers. 

Perplexed as to what the hexblade was doing, the enermancer was caught distracted and the gnoll slammed it’s mace into the temple of the enermancer, staggering the human. Then the frothing bloated porcupine charges into the room, her robes adorned with five bolt shafts sticking out of her at odd angles and giving the impression of a wild porcupine. Helga bull rushes the front two gnolls and shoves them to the back of the room. She then whips out a dagger from a hidden fold in her robes and brandishes the blade for the defenders to see.

Lord Horatius uses the commotion to advance upon a gnoll archer and force the beast to engage him in hand-to-hand. The enermancer staggers back and collapses into the arms of Gramps as the dwarf was getting up off the ground. Discordia, now without cover of fat begins blasting away at the far left gnoll archer. Tethys helps relieve Gramps of the extra human weight and starts tending to the enermancer’s wounds. 

Helga brings her dagger down hard upon the shield of cowering gnoll and the blade breaks off from the wooden handle. Further enraging the large pincushion, quickly scanning the surrounding floor for something to use as a weapon, Helga hefts up a sack of flour and swings the bag upside the head of the gnoll in front of her. The bag rips open, spilling its white powdery contents all over the creature. Momentarily blinded, the gnoll flails weakly at the rotund woman. Helga looks again for something to use and this time hauls up an empty wine cask and bashes in the head of the gnoll. The cask fails around the head of the beast, lodging its jackal-like face inside the barrel. The gnoll stumbles and falls onto his back. Then the living loadstone body slams herself onto the creature, causing its lungs to expel all the air they contained and making the gnoll gasp for breath. Breaking off four of the bolts that were stuck in her torso and sending splinters flying across the room. 

Lord Horatius slices down the archer in front of him while another blast of eldritch kills the far left archer that Discordia had hit previously. This causes that one to redirect his fire towards the women outside the temple and sending Lavender scattering away from view of the temple room and to relative safety. Helga rolls herself off the gasping gnoll and she looks for something else to slam into the beast, reaching back she grabs a hold of a small metal object.

“Hey! What the hell??!!” Gramps protests as Helga lifts him off the ground and holds him prone over her head.

Battle lust fills the woman as she flexes the dwarf higher.

“Put me down! What are you doing?” Gramps complains as he tries to grab the back of her hair to get her attention.

The woman was too quick however and she smashes the dwarf down on top of the prone gnoll with a clunk as the wide dwarf bounces off the large metal shield of the gnoll and then Gramps slides off across the beast’s chest and onto the floor. Not wanting to wait to see if that was the killing blow, Helga wheels a full barrel over to the gnoll who is breathing through a few cracked ribs and then tips the barrel over on top of the gnoll, pinning it to the floor.

Tethys races to the shocked dwarf and tries some soothing words to ease his post traumatic stress disorder, alas his leg was too close to Helga’s bear paws and she slings the dwarf’s body across the room, sending it crashing into the last remaining gnoll archer. The gnoll drops his bow and falls to one knee as he tries to untangle the flying dwarf from his body. Tethys gives Helga a displeased glare as she races over to where Gramps is now; the dwarf slurs his speech as he demands to know what orc fired the canon that catapulted him through the room. 

Slyphwhisper and the enermancer re-enter the fray with both of them teaming up to take out a gnoll that had crept up behind Helga and was threatening to tenderize her. The last of the gnolls fell to the combined might of Discordia and Lord Horatius. With the enemy defeated, the party began to take stock of the room. The room at one point likely served as the cloak room but was now being used by the gnolls to stockpile foodstuffs. Several bags of flour and corn meal were stacked along each wall; half a dozen barrels also lined the walls. There were three other exits, one each to the right and left and at the back of the room where the archers had been stood a set of stone double doors with demonic faces carved into the stone. The double doors were also flanked by a statue to each side of the doors both of them had human bodies but jackal faces. 

Helga waves off Lavender’s offer of healing as she waddles up to the statues to inspect them for additional Lapis Lazuli. Tethys gets Gramps to breathe normally and then leaves him propped up on some bags of flour as she goes around tending to the scratched and bruised. Slyphwhisper walks up behind Helga.

“These statues don’t have rocks in them.” The gnome intones

“Crap, I guess they ran out.” Helga breathes

“Well sure, that’s one theory, or more likely they only had two and by placing them on the outside it would draw people to the entrance so the gnolls could kidnap or kill them.” Slyphwhisper counters

“Your story makes it seem as if these dog-men were capable of long term planning. I assure you they are not. Gnolls are nature’s way of awarding man’s best friend with human qualities. Note how they have human bodies yet very dog-like faces, also note that they used sophisticated weapons for a breed of creatures that draw their intelligence from a canine. Clearly this reveals that they have been blessed with the ability to think outside of the master’s call and to fend for themselves. One wonders what nature will do to those wizards who chose a familiar. I think we’re on the verge of a new spell casting feline race. How do you think the Rakshasas came about? I mean all of this is common knowledge that you can find at any roadside tavern, this isn’t ogre science we’re talking about here. You want to see my collection of canine coprolites? Biggest set in Virdistan.” The enermancer rambles on.

“Soooo, through the big bad doors to rescue the baron’s daughter, or wander around the rest of the facility looking for loose change?” Lord Horatius asks

“Your rhetorical questions have failed to sway me flamer, I choose rooting out the lot of these gnolls and making the whole tribe an afterthought.” Gramps replies

“It wasn’t rhetorical?” Lord Horatius quizzically responds, but Gramps was already plodding down the right exit and into a long corridor with a couple doors along its walls. 

The thirty-five foot hallway ended with a door; there were also doors fifteen feet on the right side and twenty feet on the left side of the hallway. Gramps quickly advanced to the left door.

“Why did you pass up this one?” Slyphwhisper inquires, pointing to the door on the right side of the hallway.

“You want that one? Feel free to check it out, I’m going in this one.” The dwarf answered and opened the door 

A filthy room now used as a barracks unveils itself to Gramps’ sight broken pottery and scraps of cloth litter the floor, all surrounding three gnolls that are kneeling on the floor playing a gnoll version of the dice game Knuckles. The wheezing Gramps coughs and the startled gnolls toss their game pieces away as the stare down the intruder.

“You boys wanna grab a weapon or can I play as is?” Gramps barks out in gnoll

Howling, the gnolls reach for their weapons and charge the dwarf in the doorway. Gramps steps back about half a foot so that his shield takes up nearly the entire doorframe. The first gnoll reached him and slammed its mace into Gramps’ tower shield, the blow ricochets off and pounds into the next gnoll to reach the dwarf. Gramps coughs and laughs in the same breath as his axe unerringly strikes the gnolls from behind his shield. Gramps begins to whittle away the gnolls as Lord Horatius and Lavender stand ready to assist should the dwarf need to pull back. 

The rest of the party goes to investigate the door on the right side of the hallway. Slyphwhisper places an ear on the door but fails to hear any sounds coming from within. Pushing on the door opens it easily inward revealing a twenty foot square room. A cupboard is hung on the wall to the left of the door; the back of the room is dominated by a large bed next to which a chair and desk are located. The entire room is covered in a thin layer of dust that hangs low in the air by the door after being disturbed. 

“Ah, rest time.” Helga huffs as she clambers over to the bed through the cloud of dust, turning her back to the party she falls back onto the bed. Creaking and straining against the weight the bed supports her then suddenly slides away into two halves and Helga is dumped unceremoniously into a pit below the bed with a starving hell hound. Miraculously the hefty woman manages to avoid the rusty metal spikes sprouting from the floor of the pit. 

Contorted and nestled between several spikes, Helga called out for help. Slyphwhisper and the enermancer raced to the edge of the pit. The enermancer grabbed a length of rope from his backpack; he tied one edge at the nearest bedpost and grabbed the other end tightly. Backing up he gave himself a ten foot running start and then dove out over the pit. It was at that moment that he realized he gave himself far too much slack as he slammed into the fall wall and then fell backwards into the pit, impaling his right leg on a rusty spike and howling out in pain.

Slyphwhisper shakes his head in disturbed disgust as he carefully climbs down the near edge of the pit. Smelling the spilled blood the hell hound pounces on the injured enermancer and begins nipping at back. Discordia begins blasting the beast from topside while Tethys retrieves a crossbow and fires into the side of the creature. Hungry and injured the hell hound gets desperate and breaths a gout of fire over the injured body of the enermancer. Lavender shoots forth a beam of healing into the prone enermancer as Slyphwhisper sneaks up and sinks a dagger hilt deep into the haunch of the demon dog. Baying in pain, Discordia ends the beast’s life with a well placed eldritch blast between the thing’s eyes. 

“What the hell were you doing?” the gnome questions the enermancer

“Well, I had to account for the spatial distortion.” The enermancer replies

“What are you? Wait never mind I don’t want to know why you thought that.” Slyphwhisper states as he pries the human’s leg off the spike.

“Imagine my surprise when the pit really did turn out to be only ten feet deep. It was like finding a turducken on the menu but then realizing that the town had no access to turkeys so the first part wasn’t a turkey but the town did have lots of manure. I think you can do that math.” The enermancer responded


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## Hairy Minotaur (Dec 23, 2008)

*Fire Safety*

”I ain’t waiting for you people to pull the splinters out o’ yer arses, I’m checking out the last room.” Gramps shouts as he walks the hallway to the northern and last door. 

With a purpose and a mind uncluttered with reason the dwarf doesn’t bother to check to see if the door is locked or trapped, he merely walks up to it and kicks it in. Stepping into the room the dwarf has entered another barracks; this one however contains four sleeping gnolls. One of which has elected to sleep in a bed within reach of Gramp’s axe as he hacks away at the neck of the beast. Screaming and unable to cover its face from the sharp blade the gnoll succumbs quickly to the dwarf’s attack.

The noise brought the other three gnolls out from their slumber and they reach for their weapons before rolling out of bed to meet the interloper. The rest of the party makes their way up the corridor with Lord Horatius leading the way; they reach the room in time to see the floor in front of the door frame fill with blood from the nearly decapitated gnoll. Two of the gnolls rush the dwarf who fends off their awkward attacks easily with his tower shield. The third gnoll bounds across the beds and makes his way for the exit just behind Gramps.

Lord Horatius’ appears in the doorway in his customary stance, bottle of alchemist fire in one hand and something pointy and sharp in the other hand while his mouth spews curses of all manner in every language the hexblade knows, all two of them. The bounding gnoll reaches the bed with the dead gnoll on it just to the left of the exit, it pulls up when the body of the hexblade enters and reacts to the new intruder by slamming his greataxe at the head of the human. With an amazing dexterity display, Lord Horatius twists away from the axe and tosses the vial of liquid at the gnoll who bats it back into the hallway to land at the feet of the enermancer. The hallway erupts into flames around the enermancer who dances backward only to bounce off Helga the roadblock and back into the flames.

Surrounded on three sides Gramps lashes out at the gnoll to his left to try and get him to move so that Gramps can get his back against a wall. The flurry kicks up a coughing fit for the dwarf who doubles over as he hacks up the heat of battle. The gnolls press their advantage and rain battle axe blows to the undefended back of the dwarf, bringing the dwarf to his knees and making the coughing worse. Lord Horatius manages to slip his blade inside the guard of the left gnoll as he was pounding away on the dwarf. Shocked, the gnoll turns his attention to the hexblade. With a flip of a finger the hexblade activates his curse ability and an unnatural weight presses onto the mind of the gnoll. 

Slyphwhisper sprints past the burning straw man and covers the back of Gramps from the right gnoll as the gnoll that had leapt across the beds slides out of the room and into the hallway. The screaming enermancer begs for someone to put the flames out, ever willing to lend a hand Helga drops to all fours and begins blowing into the fire trying to put it out that way but she only manages to fan the flames back at the enermancer. Tethys and Discordia make their way up the hallway and the enermancer spies his escape route, diving at the tiefling he lands on top of Discordia weeping and begging for salve. 

“Sorry, I don’t do charity.” Discordia answers dropping the enermancer to the floor.

Helga was too busy blowing the flames back away from her to see that the enermancer had jumped to safety. Frantic the woman reached behind her grasping for swatch of cloth from the back of her belt. She gets her hands around a good chunk of cloth and slams it down in front of her to beat the flames with. Lavender never knew what happened, one minute she’s behind the fleshy galeb duhr and the next she found herself being flung repeatedly into the floor with flames surrounding her as Helga failed to realize she had grabbed a living creature again and not some mundane piece of dungeon decoration.

Lord Horatius finishes off the gnoll he wounded and using Gramps as a possible threat, Slyphwhisper gets into a flanking position with the remaining gnoll and finishes him off with a feint to the groin. The gnoll that had escaped lunges at Tethys and rips flesh from her shoulder and spins the woman into the wall face first and then down to the floor. With a drooling grin the hyena-like man eyes the warlock. Discordia aims an eldritch blast at the beast’s head and unerringly hits the ceiling above his head. Discordia backs off as the smoldering enermancer rises to defend her position. Raising his blade up to meet the massive gnoll’s attack, the enermancer’s defense collapses and the greataxe sinks into the clavicle of the human. The gnoll kicks the enermancer off his axe and brings it back up to take out the tiefling.
Helga had other ideas however and the sumo woman shoves the gnoll against the wall pinning him there. The mad cow then delivers a couple shiv sticks to the gnoll’s ribs collapsing the right lung of the beast. Panic creeps in for the gnoll and he uses the increase in adrenalin to push the gargantuan paperweight off of him. Slyphwhisper seizes upon the distraction to shove his blade into the kidney of gnoll felling the beast to his knees. Badly wheezing, spitting up blood and too weak to hold his weapon any longer the beast sways momentarily in place as Tethys recovers from a quick healing spell she used on herself when she went down. 

Still sitting on the floor, the cleric insults the defeated gnoll, “gnolls are stupid!” and then she kicks the beast in the head sending it to its final prone position. 

Helga picks up the bleeding enermancer and using her eclipse-like body to cushion and cradle the injured man, she slips a potion bottle from inside her robes and uncorking it with the flick of her double-wide thumb she places the opening in the mouth of the enermancer as if she were feeding an infant. Lavender and Tethys take care of healing Gramps and finishing up the enermancer where Helga’s potion left off. Discordia enters the barracks to quickly confirm that there was nothing of magic hiding out in the room, only to be surprised when she detects something small coming from within a wooden dresser against the far corner. Lord Horatius and the tiefling investigate and return with a small amulet.

“Do you want it?” Discordia asks of the hexblade

“Does it cast fireballs?” Lord Horatius inquires

“Don’t think so, its aura is not very powerful.” 

“No, don’t need it then. Why don’t you keep it?” 

“Nah, it would obstruct the view of my cleavage and I would feel smothered then.” 

Discordia hands the trinket to Lavender when she exits the room with a knowing wink. 

Repaired to the best of health they could be, the party heads back to the entry room where most all of the party save Gramps halts to discuss whether or not to enter the double doors and where the hostages are likely to be found. Gramps ignores the pause in the party’s advance and continues on to the south and to a door on the eastern wall. Made of stone, this door does not budge on a kick instead the dwarf has to plow into the door with his shoulder to get the heavy portal to open. Even forty feet away the party could see the dust spill from the room as the dwarf tumbles into it. Throwing their hands up the rest of the party walks south to catch up with Gramps. 

The room is a twenty by twenty-five nearly square dusty sitting chamber. In each corner stood a nightstand the remaining wall space was taken up by wooden chairs upon which a single beautifully crafted and shining item rested. Gramps stood just inside the door, trying not to disturb the thick dust and giving himself another coughing fit. Discordia appears in the doorframe and scans the room for magic.

“The pile of coins and the candle are radiating magic.” The warlock relates

“That seems odd, who would make a pile of coins on a rotting chair magical?” Lord Horatius wonders

“Lemme check chief.” Helga heaves, knocking Gramps to the floor and shoving Discordia into the room as she enters. 

The triple Whopper saunters over to the decaying chair where the small pile of coins rests, attaining the Lotus position, Helga reaches out her arm ready to swipe the entire pile into her sticky bear claws. Gramps, who had righted himself and had come over to complain about the abrupt change in his horizon just now, grabs her hand.

“You sure you want to do that? What if it’s a trap?” Gramps warns

“Pppffttt.” Comes the sound effect reply from the squatting behemoth 
“Let me have a look.” Slyphwhisper interjects. The gnome inspects the chair and the floor beneath it and declares the area safe for pillaging.

Helga’s greased palms filch the coins and in one fluid motion she shoves the pile into a fold of her robes. She stands to go to the next chair when she grabs her side where the coins went.

“Ow! That hurts.” Helga complains 

“Yes, that is your soul rejecting the improper expectations you’ve been placing upon it. First you stretch it perilously thin as it has to cover your massive girth, then you force feed it various potions and balms. Finally the last straw was when you tried to bribe its silence as you brow beat it towards Lawful goodness. Just despicable, I’m glad it’s fighting back; if I had an extra blade to lend it or a spit to shove through you I would gladly do so to prevent the death of another assassin.” The enermancer explained Helga’s pain. 

Wincing in pain, Helga shoves a finger in the enermancer’s face. The enermancer, mistaking it as another gesture he returns the signal with a thumbs up and a knowing wink. Just as the coins rips through the woman’s robes and fly into the air. Small winged jackal heads swarm over the living gravity well as Helga tries in vain to swat the tiny gnats. 

“Fascinating, your lard has become sentient and taken on the form of malformed bats. I need to document this.” The enermancer states trying to grab one and shove it into an empty potion bottle as he does so a few of them fly down and slice into his fingers. The enermancer pulls his hand back and tries to staunch a blood flow that seems far too heavy for such small scratches, “Your sweat has the wounding quality, and I must have some for my sword!” 

Through the swarm and the flailing Helga, the enermancer gropes his way into the folds of Helga’s robe.

“Great, heat of battle and I’m all sweaty and the only one who gets fondled is the animated gristle. Figures, oh well looks like I’ll just have to loosen these brassiere straps all by myself.” Discordia complains

Gramps grabs the enermancer around the waist and tries to pry the human out of Helga’s clothes; meanwhile Lord Horatius whips out two bottles of Flaming Frank’s Frisky Flask of Fire and takes aim at the swarm of animated coins.

“What the hell are you doing? You’re going to hit Helga, the crazy guy and Gramps with those.” Slyphwhisper points out

“You think I could get all three in one shot?” Lord Horatius asks rhetorically as he does not wait for the reply from the gnome before he chucks the vials at the swarm, they both burst and shower the three party members in a firestorm of confusion and pain.

The liquid does the trick though as the swarm is dispersed and soon transforms back into the coins that were on the chair. Gramps protests the use of a maul when a sap was warranted from the hexblade.

“Look shorty, no thanks are necessary. The mere fact you survived is all I need in my heart to realize a stronger potency is needed.” Lord Horatius smiles


----------



## Hairy Minotaur (Jan 7, 2009)

*Anything you can do, I can do better*

Slyphwhisper uses the distraction the insane enermancer and the mobile gateway to the plane of gravity create by swatting at tiny insects, to advance on the far chair and the crown that was laid upon its seat. The silver headpiece remains untarnished after all these years of neglect. Slyphwhisper pegs the crown as magical due to the impeccable condition the crown is in. The front of the headpiece is fashioned to appear as the upper jaw of a jackal complete with ears flanged up either side of the headpiece, the wrap around is formed to appear as dark bat wings that just touch in the back to complete the circle. Giving the chair a thorough look over for any obvious traps (as he had no formal skill yet fell into the party’s stereotypical rogue role) and then reached out and grabbed the crown off the chair. It felt odd in his head, alien to the touch almost, shirking it off as effects of the crown itself, Slyphwhisper placed the item in his backpack for further investigation later with a useful rogue skill he did have. Discordia giggled at the little man’s attention to the crown, as she had already determined the head jewelry was not magical in nature. 

Helga shoved the enermancer away from her and brushed off the debris remaining from the destroyed coins that had fallen upon her. Glancing to her left she spied a sword, a cloak and a small metal object lying on the chairs starting from next to the crown and wrapping around to the entry door. Helga went for the sword first; knowing that resale of a weapon is much higher than for a used dusty cloak, especially one that a gnoll had worn. Remembering the embarrassment at the coins chair, Helga examines the chair thoroughly and discovers it is indeed trapped. Some kind of spring mechanism is waiting underneath the chair’s seat to go off. Helga tried to discern the proper way to disarm the trap; she had narrowed down her options to either applying pressure to the seat in order to force it lower a bit and then unhooking the spring or taking the whole chair apart systematically. Impatient she goes with the pressure option, standing up and facing the chair, Helga positions herself next to the chair’s seat and while removing the curved blade, she scoots her massive frame unto the chair to take the place of the sword’s weight. The chair manages a weak cry of death before utterly collapsing under the pressure of the pachyderm-o-sapien setting off the falling block trap above the chair. A five foot cubic block of stone comes crashing down on the woman who somehow managed to roll her bulk off of the slight one foot dais the chairs sat on and avoid the trap.

The chair and sword were crushed as well as the muted silence of the rest of the party that had busied themselves with picking through the rest of the treasures. Lord Horatius had a momentary feeling of elation as he thought the block had crushed the enermancer, but he returned to his sallow nature once he discovered that no one in fact had been injured and wondered why the fates tormented him so with the continued existence of the insane one. 

“Is there anything left of value that we might want to take Discordia?” Tethys asked in her bubbly I’m sexier than you’ll ever dream voice 

“Just the candle, everything else appears to be falling apart and thus not worth our time.” Discordia answers load enough for most of the room to hear.

“Dibs!” Helga and Lord Horatius yell as they both dive for the candle.

“Then why did Slyphwhisper take the crown if it’s worthless?” Tethys wonders

The enermancer had wondered over to the women by this time and hearing Tethys' question opted to divulge his unique knowledge at this time.

“Pounded tin takes a long time to tarnish; the gnome was merely taking the item to cultivate it as a useful hat that will block the demonic voices in his head. Tin is a good barrier that keeps out disembodied voices and the demons that are inherent in every gnome’s brain are difficult to avoid, I’m impressed that our little fellow there hasn’t snapped and gone insane, killing the lot of us and using our spleens to call forth the third coming of Grazz’t to dance upon our powered spines. I consider myself lucky to awake to Susan’s light every morning as it reassures me that the gnome hasn’t become possessed yet.” The enermancer explains

Lord Horatius reaches the chair with the candle in it first, he grabs the stick with his right hand and holds aloft his prize a smile of happiness that only a fellow pyromaniac would find comforting he turns slowly to see his life flash before his eyes as the human siege tower comes crashing into him with all the momentum of an avalanche. Helga envelopes the hexblade and forces his body between the cold stone of the wall and the sweaty fat of the marshmallow woman. His body under great strain, his hand relinquishes his prize and the candle rolls down the shoulder of Helga to be scooped up by her paddle-like mitts. Helga pushes off the wall and Lord Horatius and backs away with her prize now. Fumbling through her robes, she produces some flint and goes to work on the candle’s wick. A stunned Lord Horatius stares off into the room as the blood rushes back to his faculties. 

Slyphwhisper passes the last chair on the north side of the room, spying the odd piece of metal on the chair, the gnome easily palms the item and  places it in his backpack next to the crown for a better look when the rest of the party is sleeping, dead, or both. The final two items were rotting and were left untouched, a cloak and a crossbow, as the party backs out of the room and they head across the hallway to the next door south of the entry chamber. Listening to the door, Slyphwhisper deems the room safe to enter. Gramps slowly pushes the door open and the smell of ale and blood readily assails the party’s noses.

“Look sharp, there’s killin’ afoot.” Gramps warns

The rectangle room is thirty by twenty; several cupboards line the walls to right and also across from the door. Another exit lies in wait at the southwest corner. Boxes and crates along the southern wall belie the function of this room as a storage room. Lord Horatius storms over to the southern wall where a lone barrel sits quietly; its top shows signs of scratches as if it has been pried off recently. A strong smell of alcohol wafts from the lid and the sides of the barrel. The hexblade licks his lips in anticipation of a drink, using his dagger Lord Horatius forces open the lid to reveal the dead body of a gnoll that has bled out to half the volume of the barrel, a strong tang of blood drifts out from the makeshift coffin. Lord Horatius backs away disappointed and turns back to the party shrugging his shoulders at the loss of drink. 

Gramps saw the shadow first; a small creature had climbed up the backside of the barrel and was leaping through the air. Lord Horatius was caught unaware as the assailant planted twin daggers into both sides of the hexblade’s clavicle. Lord Horatius yelled in alarm as Gramps raced up eager for a fight. Lavender quickly shot the bleeding man with her healing power as Discordia and Tethys moved to get better ranged options as the small figure was using the front of Lord Horatius as a shield. Slyphwhisper circled around to the opposite side of the hexblade from Gramps. The small pale female gnome barred her teeth and hissed at Slyphwhisper. Gramps set up a perfect flank for Slyphwhisper but the neither man was able to get the female deep gnome to open her defense up. Using the kneeling Lord Horatius who was getting healed as fast as the deep gnome was shoving her daggers deeper into his flesh, the female gnome kept Slyphwhisper and Gramps at bay. 

“She’s possessed! Put your tin headpiece on her to get the voices to stop.” The enermancer cries out his vocal assistance. 

Slyphwhisper shifted tactics and decided to try and feint the gnome to get her off-balance. The deep gnome was unimpressed with the amateur gnome and turned the tables on Slyphwhisper by showing him a feint of her own, the false move brought Slyphwhisper’s arm up in defense. The deep gnome dislodged the dagger from Lord Horatius’ left shoulder and shoved it hilt deep into the right rib cage of Slyphwhisper. The gnome whimpered in pain and twisted away quickly, Gramps tried to capitalize on the shift of attention, but the deep gnome was too quick and deftly dodged the lumbering dwarf. The deep gnome then replaced the missing dagger in the hexblade’s left shoulder with one from her belt. 

“Crap, I’m going to run out of healing in a few seconds and we haven’t hit her and she’s downed two of ours already.” Lavender announces

Tethys fires _magic missiles_ at the deep gnome, they hit her unerringly causing her to back off from the hexblade but leave her daggers still placed in his shoulders. Lord Horatius falls forward on his face, exhausted from the constant pain and healing that he had spent enduring for the last few moments. Slyphwhisper writhed in agony as he took shallow breaths trying not to rip the muscle even further. Blood was filling the back of his throat as his lung was quickly drowning from the wound. Discordia then backed the gnome up even further by blasting her with an eldritch bolt. The deep gnome skipped to the far door and retreated through it, slamming the door shut behind her. 

Gramps removes the daggers from Lord Horatius and Lavender spends her last reserves bringing him back to consciousness, Tethys pulls the dagger from Slyphwhisper’s side and uses her healing magic to reduce the angry wound to a mere seeping hole. The enermancer races to the door the deep gnome exited and throwing it open expecting to find a waiting adversary is disappointed to find an empty hallway; he leaves the room to follow the small footprints as they head off to the east. Helga hands Tethys a bottle of liquid from under her robes and goes about kicking in the crates lined against the south wall.

“What are you doing?” Lavender questions the hefty woman

“Looking for the Jack-in-the-box.” Helga responds and returns to kicking in the crates

The noise in the room can be heard in the hallway as the enermancer creeps up to the bend in the hallway to the north, he sees the open door the party just entered through and feels a small hand on his back. Twisting quickly and aiming low he narrowly misses Slyphwhisper.

“What the hell?” The gnome questions

“What? Your hand was small, I’m hunting a gnome. What did you expect?” The enermancer answers

“Okay, I’m sorry. Which way did the B**** go?” Slyphwhisper demands

“Well, I think she’s stalking the rest of the party and has re-entered the room through the door we entered.” The enermancer relates

“What? Then what in the hell are you doing just standing there?” Slyphwhisper yells 

“I thought you were attacking me remember?” The enermancer replies as the gnome races up to the door in question, peering in he sees a chaotic scene as the deep gnome has downed Lavender with twin kidney shots. 

Gramps and Helga are trying to force the gnome back to the door so that Tethys can get to the bleeding Lavender without worry of harassment from the deep gnome. Slyphwhisper blocks the door and attempts to feint the deep gnome again but fails and takes a slash to his left forearm for the failure. The party backs the deep gnome into a double flank and a ranged aggravation from Discordia. The deep gnome manages to keep her defense up for a few seconds longer before the enermancer manages to slice into her shoulder, causing a cascading effect that brings down the deep gnome from a pummeling from the rest of the party’s attackers. 

Tethys stabilizes Lavender and the party regroups by stripping the deep gnome of everything on her body and then stuffing the paler naked form into the top of the gnoll corpse and then the lid is hammered back into place. Their healing used up and not looking for another fight, the party elects to go across the hall and make a resting stand in that room as there is only one door into the room. Helga passes out two more healing potions as the enermancer stands guard at the doorway by emptying his water skin unto the dusty floor and shaping the mud into little figures.

“What hell are you about to subject us to now?” Slyphwhisper implores

“Quiet, giving birth is a complicated matter.” The enermancer replies

“What?” comes the gnome’s response

“I’m birthing some mudbaby protectors who will watch over us as we sleep.” The enermancer replies

“We’re not sleeping here and you’ve got mental issues that are going to prevent me from ever sleeping while you’re on watch.” Slyphwhisper answers


----------



## Hairy Minotaur (Jul 14, 2009)

*A new Addiction*

Slyphwhisper was determined to outlast the enermancer, the gnome propped himself against the wall opposite the deranged fool and watched the madman shape his army of mud replete with splinter weapons and long dead grass kilts. Through two watches the gnome practiced the walk in his head, envisioned the blade slipping between the shoulder blades and wondered if the idiot would call it macaroni. The enermancer paid little heed to the lawn ornament and busied himself with making a formidable conversation piece. An hour into the last watch the enermancer proclaimed his work completed and wiping the dripping sweat from his brow he turned back to view the gate into the heart of the plane of fire, otherwise known as Lord Horatius’ campfire, at the restless bunch of outlaws and miscreants and smiled. He vowed to one day tell them the story of how planer energy is really a myth perpetrated by doppelgangers but that could wait a few more days. 

Slyphwhisper glared at the human redundancy and cursed the fact he’d let the night get away from him as he viewed the couple hours of sleep he would get as worse than no sleep at all and now he was going to be sitting up all night watching mud puppets getting sculpted. Lord Horatius was first to rise as his offering to the god of annoying brightness and uncomfortable warmth flickered out in a flood of wetness. Checking the fire and finding the bottom logs damp with some kind of liquid, the pyromaniac went into a cursing rage. Cursing Tethys and Gramps before he stepped into something wet and hearing the unmistakable sound of soggy dirt squishing under his boot, the hexblade traces the small rivulet of water to the beached whale being dehydrated before his very eyes.

“Well done, moron you’ve managed to flood your own oven.” Lavendar remarks

“You seem to like sticking your nose into places it should expect to get sliced off.” Lord Horatius replies

“Doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the irony of it all.” Lavender answers

“Classic!” Slyphwhipser comments at the hexblade’s defeat

Lord Horatius smirks and retrieves a couple of the enermancer’s mud men and heads back to the dwindling fire. 

“Hey! Those are for protection; you can’t just waltz over here and deplete the south flank without compensating with the rest of your sides. What am I supposed to do if the gnome goes feral on us and starts using his rakshasa like agility to attack me from the south?” The enermancer complains

“I’m sure you’ll cope, drink some of Gramps’ ale it helps the normal people cope, might be half as effective on you so I’d double the dosage.” Lord Horatius answers

The hexblade smashes the mud men together to create a mud wall for the sweat to trickle away from the fire.

“Why not just move the fire to another spot, or move the whale closer to the beach?” Slyphwhisper offers

“What? And accept defeat? Never! If I have to open a gate to the City of Brass to get this thing burning again, so help me I will do it!” Lord Horatius shouts

Helga snorts herself awake at the hexblade’s battle cry and turns over in her puddle, “Oh uh, I think I had too much to drink last night, and I seem to have a fever. I’m so hot. Whew!” The woman fans her face with her massive hands.

“You’re fine Helga, hemorrhoid boy here got irritated when his beacon for the invading azer army was extinguished.” Discordia states

“Oh, why are my clothes all sticky?” The large woman says as she picks herself up off the floor. 

“That’s nothing, you should try wearing a leather bodice so tight that when you sweat the salt water drains down between your bosoms and collects there, then it gets cold and you’ve got this temperature gradient thing happening, the mountain peaks are burning up while the valley is in an ice age. It’s the most fricking uncomfortable feeling in the world especially when you run and the water sloshes.” Discordia explains

“I feel yucky, I need a shower” Helga complains

“Covered!” Tethys shouts and creates gallons of water over the large woman’s head, snuffing out the fire in the process and creating a smoke signal the size a titan would use.

The room is instantly blanketed in a thick mind numbing smoke. Gramps hacks himself unconscious as the rest of the party tries to gather their things in total darkness. Slyphwhisper feels his way along the wall until he reaches the door and tries to open it only to realize it’s locked. Fumbling through his pouches, Slyphwhisper locates a set of bent metal pins he uses to act as if he really knows how to pick a lock. Slyphwhisper however hides a secret as he has the unfortunate ability to cause mechanical objects to fail when he operates them. Sometimes this results in an unfortunate circumstance, other times it performs as it does this time as the entire locking mechanism disengages from the door and falls out into the hallway beyond. 

“I can’t see anything! Who dropped the smokestick in the room?” Discordia’s voice rings above the din

“Soldiers attack!” The enermancer screams and starts launching mud men at the locked doors and the wall adjacent to the doors.

“I gotta get outta here!” Helga grunts and bull rushes the doors.

Sylphwhisper hears the stampede of water buffalo behind him and moves to one side of the door, he then grabs a piton out from his backpack and as the Sphere of Food Annihilation comes rumbling through the door, the gnome sticks out the piton and trips the large woman. Helga bursts through the double doors and slams face first into the wall opposite the doors in the hallway. The force of her attack on the doors causes them to swing all the way open and then quickly rebound on their hinges. The doors close again as Helga falls backwards unconscious and lands on the doors, wedging them shut against her wide girth.

Tethys drags Gramps behind her as she joins the enermancer, Discordia and Lavender at the door. Lord Horatius stands over the remains of the fire and tries valiantly to restart the conflagration. Slyphwhisper tires to escape but finds the doors immobile now. The rest of the party begins pushing on the doors and they creak and groan under the top heavy force against the human doorstop. Lavender flails around for the door handle and finds the hole Slyphwhisper’s machinations created. She reaches through and while searching for the exterior handle, comes up with a handful of greasy hair instead. 

“Something’s blocking the door and keeping us in here to smother to death! I think it’s a troll!” Lavender announces. 

“Let me see!” Tethys replies and drops Gramps to bend down at the opening in the door, through the smoke billowing out from inside the room, Tethys can faintly make out the top of a head resting against the door. Shoving her lithe hand through the hole, she takes aim and fires off two magic missiles into the head. The force of the blast knocks Helga’s head to one side and it lolls there, “I killed it!” Tethys rejoices.

The door however still won’t budge, Lavender comes up with a plan and the women grab one side of Gramps while the enermancer and Slyphwhisper grab the other. Using Gramp’s plated helmet and head as a battering ram they begin to beat the door down. The door cracks under the pressure and the quintet double their efforts to get through the door as the room behind them erupts in a blaze of victory as the hexblade howls with glee over his triumph of the soggy logs. The women scream and shove Gramps into the door one final time and the right side of the entry snaps in half spilling the party out into the hallway and over the cataleptic Helga. 

The party regroups as Slyphwhisper plops down next to the startled Helga. Mistaking Slyphwhisper’s exhaustion as a friendly boost up, Helga plants one of her leviathan meat hooks on the gnome’s head. Ignoring the screaming and arms flailing, Helga wrenches herself up to a standing position as Slyphwhisper’s back and neck becomes an accordion of fractured bones and torn tendons. 

“Ouch” Slyphwhisper managed to say before passing out. He wakes up an hour later as the party is arguing whether or not to camp outside the temple or press on in search of the baron’s daughter. Lord Horatius wins out after assuring the party if they can try just one more door he’ll only make the fire visible from the next county over as opposed to being visible from space. 

Choosing the fancy double doors by the entrance, the party steels themselves for a fight. Gramps slowly inches the door open and the sounds of a dog barking and a something else in pain issue from the crack in the door.

“Quickly, open the door Gramps that could be the girl we’re looking for!” Lavender pleads. 

Lord Horatius shoves the door open above Gramp’s head, throwing the dwarf off balnce and he falls into the room. 

What was once a great cathedral has been desecrated and taken over by the gnolls. A crude altar of stone sits in the back of the room, a large female gnoll with a wicked looking cat-o-nine-tails stands ready to deliver another thrashing to a chained female prisoner on the altar. Throwing assessment to the wind, Lavender throws her healing hand outward towards the chained prisoner and connects as the gnoll’s flail slams across the chest of the prisoner.

“No, please. Mercy, Mercy!” The woman cries 

“There is no mercy for the trespassing and weak!” The gnoll barks and connects with the prisoner just as Lavender’s healing bolt arrives.

“No!” *Crack* “YES! Hit me again!”

Confused the gnoll pauses and observes the squirming human quizzically.
“Uh oh, looks like in my adrenalized state, I amped up my healing bolt into uncharted ecstasy levels.” Lavender comments

Discordia bolts for the other side of the room as Slyphwhisper ghosts his way down the opposite side of the room. Gramps stands to his feet, flanked by the enermancer and Lord Horatius , while Tethys pines for wilderness help for the battle that is about to take place.

The gnoll priestess power grips the flail with both hands and brings it to bear on the writhing prisoner. Instinctively Lavender throws another bolt of healing at the human female.

“Oh God! YES! Hit me harder! I want it! I need you to hit me! Come on you upright canine piece of trash. Whip me like the infidel that I am!” The prisoner screams

“Crap.” Lavender comments

The gnoll is now thoroughly confused and stops to check the instrument of her torture for defects, as she focuses her attention on the flail, both Slyphwhisper and Discordia flank her and cut down the gnoll easily. Discordia grabs the flail and points out the other magical objects on the gnoll’s body for Slyphwhispwer to relieve the corpse of. 

“Hey, tiefling. Psst.” The chained prisoner calls. Discordia turns to face the woman.

“I’ll get you out of there in just a moment.” Discordia answers and then returns to cherry picking through the gnoll’s possessions

“Hey wench, focus on the living you twisted freak!” The prisoner rankles Discordia

“What did you say?” Discordia inquires her blood temperature rising

“Oh, did I say something bad? Why don’t you come over her and whip me for being bad?” The prisoner pleads

“Fine, you want it you got it.” Discordia answers and whips the tar out of the prisoner.

The prisoner’s screams of pain and terror fill the room, Lavender looks up to see Discordia hammering away at the nude captive with the flail and recognizing that the screams are not in ecstasy but in pain and fear, throws another healing bolt at the prisoner and makes a dash for Discordia yelling at the warlock to stop beating the prisoner.

Discordia hears Lavender’s pleas and ceases her beat down of the chained captive. The men in the party stare uncomfortable at Discordia after the prisoner squirms in her chains and arches her back.

“Why did you stop! Hit me again you worthless half of a giant demon dropping, soulless womb of eternal stupidity!” The prisoner screams

Discordia raises the flail again but Lavender reaches her and stays her hand.

“What? Get away from her wench! She needs to finish what she started!” The captive cries

“No, I’ve got to think of how to best handle this dilemma. It might take awhile; I believe I short circuited her brain into associated horrible pain and suffering as intense waves of pleasure from my healing powers. I may have broken her mind.”  Lavender explains

Helga finally reaches the fray with Tethys in tow.

“You! El Lardo, smack me around. I’ve been a bad girl and I need to be punished, whip me like an orc between you and a stack of crème filled cakes with syrup and icing and whi…” Helga’s ham fist flew into an involuntary rage from the perceived withholding of food and slammed the head of the captive from the side, dislocating the prisoner’s jaw and wrenching her neck sideways.

“ow… where’s the ecstasy?” The prisoner mutters before passing out on the cold stone altar on a pool of her own sweat and fluids. 

Tethys tends to the chained captive while the rest of the party frees a group of prisoners lined up in a hallway adjacent to the altar room each one awaiting their torturous death at the hands of the gnoll priestess. The party learns that these captives are from an armed caravan that was waylaid two nights ago about a mile south of the temple. The gnolls had taken Captain Ettaire to torture first in hopes of breaking the rest of them, her distorted shouts of pain and ecstasy had frightened all of them into thinking their torture would go on for hours. None of them had seen any other prisoners but that had heard the gnolls mention another group of prisoners that the drow might like instead. 

The able-bodied of the group were happy to don their equipment again and join in the battle to slaughter the remaining gnolls in the temple. The merchants fled to the entryway and barred the door from the inside and waited for what they hoped would be a victorious return. Captain Ettaire was healed and returned to consciousness. Where she promptly begged to be beaten like a cur, disturbing her former band mates and merchants alike, Lavender calmed her down and assured her that no one was going to beat her and that it was a side effect of the whip and that it would pass. Captain Ettaire elected to go with the group to hunt the rest of the gnolls with hate in her eyes. 

A few hours later with no luck in finding any other prisoners or gnolls the group ran across a couple of retreating gnolls who fled around a corner and disappeared. They redoubled their efforts in finding a secret passage and Slyphwhisper came through. As the gnome and dwarf worked together to find the unlocking mechanism, Captain Ettaire approached Discordia.

“You whipped me like you knew what you were doing, as if you had handled that kind of situation before.” A Captain Ettaire started; sweat pouring down her forehead as she tried to control the trembling her body was wracking her resolve with. 

“What’s your point? I can’t whip you anymore; you’ll need to find another outlet for your new fetish.” Discordia explains.

“Do you have anything sharp you could casually run across my body while applying pressure?” Captain Ettaire begs

“Yes, but I have a nasty habit of removing organs and spines with it. Best to move along.” Discordia says and moves up to join the rest of the pack as Tethys brings up the rear of the people train and encounters the twitchy captain.

The gnome and dwarf figure out the hidden latch for the secret door and get it open to reveal a long hallway with an enormous fresco of a human head at the near end of the hallway. The floor of the hallway seems to be covered in very fine sand, several inches deep.  At the other end of the hallway is a large fresco of an armed human warrior. 

“Well, they went down there somehow, lets keep pressing.” Slyphwhisper announces much to the joy of the rest of the group. The expanded party moves into the hallway, the light from behind them dims as bodies crowd the secret door, blanketing the corridor in twilight. 

Lavender gets a tap on the shoulder, “Psst, Lavender. Can you come back this way for a moment?” Tethys whispers

Lavender heads back up the corridor outside of the secret door and finds Captain Ettaire prone on the ground, her Cuirass slashed open in front and a bleeding wounds skate across her chest. 

“What the hell did you do?” Lavender screeches and races to heal the Captain

“We were playing a game called connect the dots, I went first and She told me to connect all the freckles on her chest with this little metal stick here.” Tethys replies holding up the object.

“That’s a dagger you moron, you cut her all up.” Lavender says and pours healing into Captain Ettaire 

The Captain’s eyes flutter open and she grabs Lavender and pulls her onto her chest, “More! More! Give it all to me! I feel it!”

Lavender pries herself from the captain’s grasp, “Pull yourself together, I will not indulge you in this addicted destructive persona. I admit my role in its creation but I shall not continue to feed it.” Lavender explains and walks away.

“Oh! It was supposed to be mine turn next. That’s not fair!” Tethys pouts as Captain Ettaire squirms on the floor, a far off look in her eyes and an idiot’s grin across her mouth. 

"What do you make of this?" Slyphwhisper asks Gramps while pointing at the layer of sand in the hallway.

"Obviously we're near a portal to the demi-plane of beaches, watch out for hermit crabs. Dude" The enermancer interjects himself into the gnome and dwarf's conversation, "see no danger here." The enermancer stated as he advanced down the hallway. 

As he reached the midpoint of the hallway, the face fresco distorted and opened its mouth wide. A rush of air sound began race up the carving's mouth. Two stone minotaurs emerged along with a blast of air that stirred up the fine sand, blocking vision, making speech impossible and burrowing its way into every open crack and crevasse of the party in the hallway. The air picked up speed and begin to push the enermancer over the sandy floor as if he were skating. As he neared the far end of the hallway the large human fresco animated and waited for him to come within reach of its massive stone sword.


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## Hairy Minotaur (Jan 11, 2010)

*Pray harder*

“I’m not going to make it son, you’re going to have to be the hero and save the lunatic from his own demons.” Gramps spat at Slyphwhipser.

“Are you drunk already? Why the hell would I save him? I’m hoping his carcass slows down the advance of those two stone guardians before we press on.” The gnome answers

“Fire in the hole!” Lord Horatius shouts as he shoves his way past the two shorter members and presses his way up behind the retreating against his will enermancer. With a mighty toss, Lord Horatius unleashes a vial of alchemist fire into the teeth of the wind. The gritty air grabs the glass container and flings it back at the pyromaniac who quickly ducks out of the way as the vial explodes against the wall next to Slyphwhisper and Gramps.

“We’ll never make it down there with the wind like that and with those two morons leading the charge.” Discordia muses.

“We need to get to the other side of the hallway but there’s no way either I or grandpa here will make it.” Slyphwhisper answers

As the trio mull over their next move, the enermancer and Lord Horatius meet the first of the two stone minotaurs and begin flailing blindly against the stinging sand.

“I got this chief.” Helga bear hugs Discordia, Gramps and Slyphwhisper and begins trudging through the sand down the hallway.

Helga’s wide frame plugs up the hallway behind her, creating a zone of breezy air as opposed to the cyclone that raged in front of her. The stone minotaurs were easily out maneuvering Lord Horatius and the enermancer, their heavy rock hooves allowed them to flank the duo constantly. Helga shifts Gramps to get him alone in her right arm.

“What’re doing?” Gramps wheezes

“I’m gonna toss you over the fight so you can help from behind.” Helga replies

“Dwarf tossing is illegal in this country, besides the gnome is build for this kind of work, I think the best move is to throw him.” Gramps answers

“What?” Slyphwhisper objects, but Helga agrees with the dwarf’s suggestion and drops him to the ground as her massive meat suction cups seize the gnome and launch the burglar over the combat. A stream of high pitched swearing streamed down the hallway and alerted all to the presence of a flying gnome. 

Once over the combat, Slyphwhisper looked up and into the walking wind tunnel as the fresco slapped the gnome in the air like a hockey puck. Slyphwhipser’s stunned body slammed into the back of a stone minotaur, throwing it off balance with all the wind in the hallway. The enemy fell forward, allowing the enermancer, pyromaniac, asthmatic and exhibitionist the opportunity to crush the thing and they waste no time in completing that action. The enermancer presses against the wall and begins to close the distance on the animated fresco. Discordia and Lord Horatius use the downed minotaur as cover against the sandstorm, Helga keeps pressing on and meets the remaining stone guardian a few feet from where Slyphwhisper’s stunned body lay motionless face down in the accumulating sand. 

As the enermancer got within fifteen feet of the fresco, the animated wall mural bent its head and blew its forceful wind straight down at the human, effectively immobilizing the enermancer to the hallway’s wall. The lapse in the sand blowing, gave Discordia the opportunity to eldritch blast the fresco from cover about sixty feet away. Shards of rock careen off the hallway as Helga presses her way up to the fresco swatting away the fragments like flies. Slyphwhisper continued to play the part of a lifeless carcass in the hopes that the fresco would overlook him. 

Helga could see that the hallway dog-legged to the right. The fresco however took up the entire corner and made getting past him while he still stood a near impossible task. 

The fresco released the enermancer from the wall and as he sagged off of the wall, the fresco slapped him back down the hallway with the side of its blade. Ducking, Helga dodged the airborne man and heard him ricochet off of Gramps’ head and finagling coming to rest a couple feet from the prone Slyphwhisper. Lord Horatius scrambles up to Helga as he weighs whether to attempt a firebombing on the massive animated wall carving or attack with his sword. Helga’s girth answers that question for him.

“You go on ahead; I’ve got your back.” Lord Horatius assured the woman

“Uh gotcha chief.” Helga replied as her light bending frame raced towards the fresco

“Wait! I said I had your back, not that I would follow you to certain death!” Lord Horatius yelled after the woman.

Maybe it was the perfect shot from Discordia into the eyes of the fresco, maybe it was the sweat that greased the lumpy pillow through the small round opening. Whatever the case, Helga twisted herself sideways and squeezed past the abbreviated swing of the fresco as Discordia’s blast struck true. Helga positioned herself behind the fresco and in the cramped space in the hallway the fresco had wedged itself so that it could only face the party in the hallway. For several minutes it flailed in vain to swat Helga who methodically picked the stone art work apart. As Gramps, Lord Horatius, Slyphwhisper and Discordia made sure there was nothing left of the stone minotaurs to reanimate. 

As the fresco crumbled to dust, Lavender and Tethys arrived with the captain to witness the aftermath. Slyphwhisper ran to Helga’s position to listen down the corridor beyond for signs of company. Tethys checks on the face down enermancer.

“Is it dead?” Gramps asks of the enermancer

“No, I think I can save him.” Tethys replies

“Don’t tempt the fates; if he’s meant to stay he’ll live.” Gramps replied

“I don’t have any healing spells prepared so all I was going to do was pound on his back to see if that helped and maybe left his legs above his heart.” Tethys answers

Gramps’ face contorts into a mixture of disgust and disbelief, “I’m sure that’ll be sufficient.” 

“Maybe I should get Lavender.” Tethys muses

“Why? Can’t you perform final rights?” Gramps inquires

“No, I didn’t study any bardic techniques.” Tethys relays

“I’m going to need therapy if we get out of here.” Gramps whispers to himself

Tethys waves over Lavender who rescues the enermancer from certain death much to the chagrin of the dwarf and gnome. Once the party can walk again they all make their way to Slyphwhisper who’s peering around a corner down a long hallway. Slyphwhisper motions for the party to follow him as he carefully traces his path along the sandy floor, keeping a close eye out for anything that he might call a trap, spotting a depression in the sand Slyphwhisper calls the enermancer up to the front.

“I need you to go stand along that section of wall, I think there’s a lever trap in the floor and we need to balance the weight to avoid falling.” Slyphwhisper instructs

“The best way to counteract gravity is to use loadstones to make you out weigh the pull of gravity, the double negative weight created will cause you to be repulsed by the ground and then you can glide away.” The enermancer declares

“I’m repulsed by you already, get over there!” Slyphwhisper demands, pointing at the other side of the corridor.

Slyphwhisper watches as the enermancer steps in the depression and arrives at his destination across from the gnome. Perturbed that it wasn’t a trap, Slyphwhisper presses on.

“I thought you don’t do traps well.” Gramps wheezed

“That’s almost right; actually I don’t do them at all.” Slyphwhisper confirms

The group rounds a turn and Gramps perks up and alerts the team that his underground mining senses have revealed the location of a secret door in the wall behind him. Pushing the door inward the party enters a well travelled corridor with a closed and barred on the outside door thirty feet down the hallway on the right side. The hallway continues and makes a left turn another twenty feet beyond the door.

“Awfully odd to have the brace on the outside don’t you think?” Slyphwhisper asks of no one in particular

“I don’t know, my pantry at home had the bar on the outside and we always closed the arn door with the bar on the outside.” Helga explains

“So you’re contending this is either their food supply or it’s where they keep their chicken coup? Who would do that hundreds of feet from any water, grass, feed, light or fresh air?” Slyphwhisper questions

“Stupid people?” Helga replies

“Lantern archons would do that.” The enermancer chimes in

“What? Why would outsiders need to store chickens on the prime plane underground and behind a secret door?” Discordia counters

“If I go check it out would you whip me like the demonwhore I am?” Captain Eterie offers. The party turns back to face her, “just offering is all.” 

Lord Horatius pushes his way through the party and marches up to the door. He grabs the heavy wooden bar and instantly pulls his hand away and looks at it for a brief moment before collapsing in a heap at the base of the door.

“Should’ve checked for traps.” Slyphwhisper announces as he glides up to 
the door with a smile on his face that gets washed off as blasts of healing magic from Lavender erupt into the hexblade’s body. With a disheartening sigh Slyphwhisper examines the door.

A hard shove from his right flings the gnome ten feet down the hallway as Captain Eterie begins to fondle the door looking for the poison the affected Lord Horatius, “Don’t use up all your special sauce on him I’m going to be injured as well!”

Lord Horatius retched on the floor as the poison and healing magic battled each other within his body. The hexblade lost all bodily function control and spasmed on the floor in a paralytic convulsive state, foaming at the mouth and projectile spitting at the same time. Captain Eterie stops groping the door after watching Lord Horatius’ display.

Sweating and drained, Lavender drops to one knee and declares Lord Horatius saved. The heaving waste stained mass on the floor of the hallway began to twitch before its ragged breathing normalized and it lifted it’s head, “next time please just kill me instead.” He groaned

The enermancer walked up behind Captain Eterie and grabbed her hand, before the protesting captain could free her hand the enermancer had placed her hand on the wooden bar and shoved the bar aside.

“What the hell! Don’t ever try that again. You could’ve killed me, why would you do that?” The captain protested

“I always practice safe trap disarmament.” The enermancer replies

A muffled shuffling sound came from behind the door and the party readied for action. The enermancer flung the door open and rush of cool air blew out the sconce across from the door, dim illumination reached only a few feet into the room. The enermancer’s moved to the threshold, preventing more of the dim light from reaching the room.

“Unless you be of turnip parentage I believe now is the time to gaze upon your savior.” The enermancer gloated

“What the hell was that?” Slyphwhisper scoffed at the notion the enermancer did anything more than open a door. 

A soft mummer quickly gathered strength as a group of beaten and battered humans stumble forward amid tears of joy at the sight of other humans. The party quickly ushers them out of their prison, three males and a female. All of them fawn all over the party declaring them their saviors and praising multiple deities for their good fortune. 

“Are you Baron Muchausen’s kid?” Gramps asks the female

“Yes, did he send you to rescue me?” The woman ecstatically perks up

“More like he’ll be paying us when we deliver you to him.” Slyphwhisper responds

A knowing nod from the woman ended the conversation as Slyphwhisper retreated to the secret door and waved the others to follow him. Half way to the door the gnome raises his hand to urge them to halt. He curses and spits at the ground, “We’ve got company.” 

“Back into the prison with you!” The enermancer yells and shoves two of the male captives back into their former room.

“What the hell’s wrong with you?” Discordia argues and shoves the enermancer away from the door.

Captain Eterie shoves Discordia. Discordia stands confused, “now hit me back really hard.” The captain demands. To which Lord Horatius complies, a double axe-handle chop to the back of the captain’s head staggering the woman. The baron’s daughter begins creeping back to her prison, fearing it the safer place to be than in the company of lunatics.

Slyphwhisper throws a dagger to the feet of the enermancer which causes the group to pause their internal conflict, “you’ve got five seconds to follow me or you’re on your own.” The gnome runs to his dagger and retrieves it, then heads down the passage to the left and disappears into the darkness. One by one the rest of the party, including the newly rescued, follows the gnome down the corridor. The gnome finds a rotting wooden door ajar midway down the corridor and ushers the rest of the party inside.

Lavender creates a blue glow with her hands so that those without darkvision could see they were in a crypt, sarcophagi stretched out in a row to either side of the door along the left and right walls, “quickly find a hiding place, get low and don’t make a sound. Somebody put a sock in Gramps, I don’t want his wheezing to alert the gnolls about to spill in here.

With racing hearts the party scrambles to find suitable shelter, with everyone but Helga finding a hiding spot. The raised barking noises from down the hall told the party they would soon have visitors, Slyphwhisper told Helga to lay on her back at the rear of the room in the middle of the wall and act like a stone sarcophagus. Helga complies as the door to the room gets shoved open by a group of gnolls who peer through the darkness with eyes used to staring down prey in the night. Seeing no movement and unable to hear anything from all the panicked barking behind him in the corridor they continue on their way. After minutes had passed, Slyphwhisper steps out from his hiding spot and peeks down the hallway, seeing and hearing nothing he alerts the others that the coast is clear.  

Syphwhisper tried to close the door but its hinges were rotted and the door slowly swung back open, frustrated the gnome knew they would need to move out of this room soon if they were to make it out with the baron’s daughter. Seeing his frustration, Tethys walked up to the gnome.

“What’s wrong?” The cleric asked

“This door won’t close nor lock, we’re going to need to move again unless we can get it locked somehow. I’ve tried everything I have to get it to stay closed.” Slyphwhisper relates

“You want me to wizard lock it?” Tethys offers

“Really? That would be awesome if you could do that. It would allow us to rest in peace.” Slyphwhisper accepts

Tethys comes up to the door and pulling it closed fumbles with the locking mechanism for a few seconds and then releases the door with a smile and pats the gnome on his head.

“That’s an odd somatic component to that spell; at least it was silent though.” Slyphwhisper sighs as the door slowly swings open, “Uh excuse me.”

“Yes?” Tethys answers turning to look back at the gnome

“The door didn’t lock nor is it shut, what the hell did you do?” Slyphwhisper inquires

“I wizard locked it.” Tethys answers

“Impossible, it’s not locked. If you had cast Wizard Lock it would be shut.” Slyphwhisper counters

“Cast Wizard Lock? No silly, I locked it. I’m a wizard and I locked it. Therefore its wizard locked.” Tethys smiled blissfully ignorant.

“Wizard Lock is a spell that’s what I thought you were doing!” Slyphwhipser shouted

“No silly, I didn’t pray for Wizard Lock, I prayed for fireball.” Tethys huffed

“What?!?!” The anger in Slyphwhisper’s eyes glowed in the pale blue light of Lavender’s hands, “What kind of wizard prays for spells?”

“Wizards don’t pray for spells goofy, clerics do.” Tethys said innocently

“I know that! What the hell are you doing praying for fireball then?” Slyphwhisper demanded

“Duh, it’s a cool spell; wouldn’t you want to cast it?” Tethys answered as she skipped away to talk to the baron’s daughter about fashion; “Let me know if you need my help again.” She called as she hopped away.


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## Qwernt (Jan 13, 2010)

This is great stuff.  What are the new PC's traits?  I am guessing Tethys nimpho + airhead.  For Helga, obviously obesity and inatentive (keeps grabbing the wrong thing)


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## Hairy Minotaur (Jan 16, 2010)

Qwernt said:


> This is great stuff.  What are the new PC's traits?  I am guessing Tethys nimpho + airhead.  For Helga, obviously obesity and inatentive (keeps grabbing the wrong thing)




Tethys has hot body and nympho - her INT just isn't that good 

Helga is obscenely obese and fugly - her WIS is horrible 

Depending on how much of the next part I can get into one update, the session coming up has immortalized Tethys' player in the annuals of our gaming group.


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## Jon Potter (Jan 16, 2010)

Hairy Minotaur said:


> Depending on how much of the next part I can get into one update, the session coming up has immortalized Tethys' player in the annuals of our gaming group.




Well, I, for one, am looking forward to it!

Get writin'!, ya slacker.


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## Qwernt (Jan 18, 2010)

Hairy Minotaur said:


> Tethys has hot body and nympho - her INT just isn't that good
> 
> Helga is obscenely obese and fugly - her WIS is horrible
> 
> Depending on how much of the next part I can get into one update, the session coming up has immortalized Tethys' player in the annuals of our gaming group.




You know, I think I can represent all readers in being glad Helga didn't get nympho/hot body along with what she did get... that would have been a little too disturbing to imagine.


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## Hairy Minotaur (Feb 8, 2010)

*And lives were changed pt. 1*

This session took place on Halloween so it has a distinct feel to it. I left it short so I could get the entire night in one update, so this is like the preface to the action. Enjoy:

With the passing of the gnoll guards, Lord Horatius began exploring the crypt noting that most of the sarcophagi had writing on them. Unable to make the words out he noted that the words appeared to be fluid and fairy like and so concluded they must be elven, “Anybody read elvish?”

“Elves don’t possess a written language.” The enermancer answered

“Riiiight, anybody else?” Lord Horatius queried 

“I’ve seen some elvish in my day maybe I could make out a word or two, especially if there’s cussin’ going on.” Gramps offers

“Why would someone deface a sarcophagus with elvish insults? And since when did elves bury their dead underground?” Discordia asked

“You’ve actually got that backwards, see elves bury their living and then after a day in the dirt they rise up as immortals and live out their undead lives in the trees as they regard the earth with a frightening remembrance of their mortal lives. But the negative energy doesn’t build up real well so and any hedge witch could turn an elf without a lot of effort.” The enermancer interjects

“Whoa, you’re like some sort of savant the way you call up facts like that.
 Have you heard of any cures for glandular problems?” Helga inquires of the enermancer

“Yes, but your issue isn’t glandular, it’s more of a gravitational design flaw.” The enermancer answers

Lord Horatius turns his attention to one of the dozens of canopic jars seated in niches near every sarcophagus. The hexblade notes the peculiar design on the jars, something like a crude bullseye with an “X” drawn through it. Taking one jar he attempts to open it but finds the wax seal still very much in place, “Gramps, what do you make of this?” The enermancer tosses the jar to Gramps who wasn’t expecting the toss and the jar shatters on the floor near the dwarf’s feet. Immediately after breaking the contents of the jar spill out onto the floor, a black morass undulating in the dim light spread out and up Gramp’s legs.

“Spiders!” Gramps shouts as he tries to stomp the critters off his legs

“Swarm!” Discordia shouts

“Clear!” Lord Horatius shouts as he tosses an alchemist fire vial onto the flailing dwarf

The death screams of the hundreds of spiders are drowned out by the panicked cries of Gramps as he tries to beat the spiders and the fire to death on his body.

“Damn! If we only had a dead bard.” The enermancer decries

“Why? What the hell would you do with that?” Helga asks

“Dead bards are the natural enemy of fire; we could beat Gramps with the dead bard and put the fire out quickly.” The enermancer answers

The baron’s daughter races up to Gramps and douses him with a waterskin full of water, putting the fire out and washing off most of the rest of the spiders.

“Quick thinking Penelope, you saved him.” Tethys comments

“Where did you get that?” The enermancer demands

“Your belt, that’s what you use to put out fires. Plus I figured the water would help get rid of some of the spiders too.” Penelope, the baron’s daughter replies

“Did you now? Well I’m sure you think you’ve been educated real well by your father’s money, but none of that can replace real adventuring. So why don’t you keep to your pipe dreams and let the real adventures take care of the adventuring?” The enermancer explains

“What were you going to do? Light his head on fire and hope the controlled burn would cause the fire on his legs not to spread to his burning head?” Penelope asked

“You know far too much about me to be here by accident.” The enermancer answered astonished by the insight Penelope possessed of his mind’s workings

“Whatever, glad I was here to help.” Penelope replies

“I wonder if all of these jars have spider swarms?.................... which would mean they’re drow.” Lord Horatius connects

Slyphwhisper, quietly slipped a couple of the jars into his backpack while the rest of the party tended to the injured dwarf.

“How are we going to get out of here?” Lavender inquired

“We fight our way out, we’ve got the numbers and the hardware needed to overtake the gnolls.” Discordia answers

“Secret door.” Gramps coughs, “under that.” The dwarf points to a sarcophagus next to Helga

The sarcophagus lid is pushed aside to reveal an iron rung ladder descending into the darkness. With the sound of approaching gnolls, the party climbs onto the ladder and heads down. Lord Horatius goes last, waiting until the gnolls sounded like they were right outside the door before he throws two of the spider jars at the door and then ducks down into the hole. The escape to the surface was uneventful and just as dusk settled over the land; the party emerged from the escape passage and made plans for getting the baron’s daughter home as quickly as possible. 

The party elected to camp for the night and then head out in the morning, the cave they emerged from was further to the south than they had been in the ruined temple. Heading back north was going to mean circumventing the ruined temple by a couple of miles in order to avoid any search parties of gnolls out on the prowl for their former hostages. Discordia and Gramps sighed in relief as they knew the next two days would prove to be the most challenging if they wanted that reward money. Financing a campaign against a lich-king had to start somewhere and Discordia was just a few days away. The rescue had gone about as chaotic as she preferred and it worked out just fine, she was spending the money in her head already. The sound of coins clanging off a wooden counter soothed her into a restful sleep.
Discordia was awoken early in the morning with the despondent mourning of the enermancer as he lamented a sunrise clouded by rain clouds.

“What’s his problem?” Penelope asked Tethys

“I don’t know. I’m not a powerful enough cleric to waste praying for the cure whatever the hell your problem is spell.” Tethys answers

“Don’t clerics live for the curing of humanity?” Penelope inquired

“Not me, I live to be able to cast fireball at some undead chump who is all prepped for a turning. I dream of the look in their eyes when instead of the burning light of righteousness there’s a burning ball of oh yeah headed for their head.” Tethys answers

Lightening struck nearby and the acrid smell of ozone washed over the camp as the very air shook with thunder. The storm posed several travel problems; they didn’t want to wait here much longer for fear of having the gnolls follow them through the underground passage. Yet traveling in the dimness of the storm allowed the gnolls an advantage with the eyes that were built for stalking in low light conditions. The party packed up their belongings as best they could in the downpour and set out to the northwest, hoping the gnolls would search towards the main caravan route instead of heading towards the river to the west. 

The sky dove deeper into a grayish green as the wind began to turn the rain sideways, forcing the party to take shelter behind trees several times. Tethys surmised that if dryer shelter was not found quickly, sickness both the mild and fatal kinds could be facing the travelers. An infrequent smell of burning wood carried upon the fierce winds gave several members of the party hope that somewhere up ahead there was a house or an inn where they could stay. Another four hours of traveling brought the group to a water logged and heavily muddied path. From the edge of the woods a small village was visible in the near distance. It did not take any prodding to get the group to agree to press on until the village was reached. What appeared to be a short distance of perhaps a mile, turned into a three hour trudge through wet ground that became the consistency of a thick marsh as they made their way to the village. 

The village was horseshoe shaped with a large well in the center of the layout a two-story inn rose just beyond the well and the flicker of candle light could be seen in the inn as well as the first house on the left as they entered the village. Dreams of a warm dry bed were shattered as the raging storm above their heads was muted by the blood curling cry from inside the house to the left. The candlelight inside flickered, the storm battered them, the party blinked in curious caution and the sky above shed tears more heavily than anyone could remember.

“Well? Do you want to see what that was?” Discordia asked


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## Jon Potter (Feb 9, 2010)

Nice, HM.

I agree: you really can feel Halloween all over this write-up.


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## Hairy Minotaur (Feb 13, 2010)

*Part 2*

Slyphwhisper and Lord Horatius slosh their way through the muck to the back of the hovel, as they pass along the south side of the building, through a closed window they both spy a flickering light coming from an interior room. Continuing their trek they reach the back of the house and reach their destination a closed window in the kitchen area of the house. Lord Horatius tries the window but finds it locked.

“Give me a boost.” Lord Horatius demands

“What? I’m half your weight; you should be giving me the boost moron.” Slyphwhisper argues

“Shut up or you’re going to alert the homeowners of our presence.” The hexblade spat

A shrill scream quiets all but the sound of the rain, urgency pulled at spectators like a lost love while fear paralyzed them like a nightmare.

Lord Horatius grabbed the back of Slphwhisper’s head and forcibly bent him over, then planted a foot into the middle of his back. The gnome at first startled by the hexblade’s physicality resisted the weight of the human by trying to shove him off. The unexpected push from the gnome sent Lord Horatius through the glass window, into the kitchen and onto the sink below the window. Smashing filthy clay bowls and plates that were stacked in the sink. A second later the entire sink collapsed to the floor, spilling the hexblade into the middle of the kitchen. The commotion brought the dwarf crashing through the front door, splintering wood across the living area and leaving no doubt in the homeowners mind that they were no longer alone.

Slphwhisper deftly climbs through the newly opened window and as he skips across the kitchen he makes sure Lord Horatius wakes up with an extra bruise at the back of his head in the morning courtesy of his left boot. The gnome then slams face first into the plated chest of the dwarf as Gramps raced to see what happened in the back of the house. The dwarf bent down to lift the whimpering gnome off the floor but soon realized the whimpering was not coming below him, but to his left. Dim light flickering beneath the door into the small hallway brought even Gramps’ wheezing to a halt as the party picked themselves up and crowded near the intersection, trying to decide if a bust the door down weapons slashing or a more diplomatic rap on the door would be the best way to approach. 

“Why are you worried about pretenses now? You’ve smashed a window, shattered a door and tore away their sink from the wall. I’m sure whoever is in the room crying could care less if you shattered that door as well.” Penelope observed

“Your sarcasm is duly noted.” The enermancer comments before throwing his shoulder into the door and forcing his way into a bloody nightmare.

The smell of blood and decay washed over the enermancer, ripping the smell of wet earth from his nostrils and shoving dread in its place. A dead male was propped against the wall opposite the enermancer a single dagger protruded from his throat, below the dagger his throat was misshapen and bloated, blood trailed down his arms which had clawed vainly to withdrawal the dagger before he expired. The blood pooled around his bare feet. The dim light was from a single candle which rested on a nightstand beyond a small sized bed immediately to the right of the door where the enermancer stood. Soft crying could be heard coming from the floor on the other side of the bed. Not wasting another hero’s second, the enermancer hurdled the bed and seeing a female body on the floor, adjusted his landing to miss the woman. The enermancer landed and rolled to his feet.

Turning to the prone woman, he finds her very pregnant and clutching a bloody dagger in her right hand. Wearily she cocks her head towards the enermancer, tears stream down her gaunt face and bloodshot eyes. Holding up the dagger the woman’s cracked lips part, “please, it hurts so much. Please get it out.” 

“Tethys! This woman needs medical attention!” The enermancer yells

Tethys forces her way past Lord Horatius and Gramps, pausing for a moment to take in the dead body and then regard the woman on the floor, “I’m here to help, what hurts? Is it the baby?” 

The woman shakes her head in disagreement, “my son” the woman looks over at the dead man, “he couldn’t get them out, he tried, he tried.” The woman wails

“What’s your name?” Tethys asks

“Please, I don’t have the strength. You have to get it out.” The woman winces

“Can I check on your baby?” Tethys inquires

“Baby” the woman answers

“Can you give your blade to him so that I can make sure you’re alright?” Tethys asks, hoping she can get the woman disarmed voluntarily.

The woman drops her hand to the floor and lets the dagger slip from her grasp. Gramps and Lord Horatius enter to investigate the dead male while Discordia and the Captain check out the rest of the house with Penelope standing at the door to the bedroom. Minutes pass before Tethys is done with her examination and she calls the rest of the party together.

“Whatever is wrong with her a simple heal isn’t going to fix, we need to see if this town has a priest or herbalist.” Tethys explains

“Why what’s wrong with the baby?” Penelope asks

Tethys pauses with a concerned look and before she can answer Discordia replies, “She’s not pregnant.” 

“Not any longer anyway. There’s no fetal movement, in fact I couldn’t find a head or a butt let alone any other part of a child. I think she’s had a psychotic break. Her son’s been murdered and I just don’t think she’s in a good place mentally right now.” Tethys replies

“I think the guy killed himself, his palms were free of blood as if they were shelter when his throat was slashed. I think his hands were on the blade sticking out of his throat. Whatever is going on in this house is bad.” Gramps states

“Well, I think you and him should stay here and watch over her, while the rest of us go and find some help for her, I don’t want to move her unless we have to.” Tethys offers. The party accepts and Gramps and the enermancer pull off the pillow and blanket from the bed to try and make the woman more comfortable as the rest of the party get ready to head back into the raging storm outside.

“Where should we start?” Penelope asks

“The nearest building with lights on.” Tethys answers

“It appears there’s one across the way over there, and also one down there.” Discordia points out the only yellow lights standing out in a sea of pulsating blue lightening

“You want to split up and hit both places?” Tethys inquires

“Not really.” Penelope answers, the rest of the group concurs and elect to all travel together to the house across the street. 

Lord Horatius lead the way and as the group heads out he catches a glimpse of the neighbor’s house and a whiff of burnt wood in the air. Stopping in his tracks he takes a few steps closer to investigate the house. The rest of the group protests and Lord Horatius waves them on. Not wanting to be in the rain any longer than necessary they leave him there. A few more steps closer and Lord Horatius understands why there’s no lights on in the neighbor’s house, there’s been a house fire that hollowed out the middle of the structure, leaving the outside walls erect. Lord Horatius remembered how low the candle was in the room they just left and concluded a few hours and the same fate would likely befall that house as well. The hexblade hustles to catch up to the group as they reach the house they sought. 

Trying the door, Discordia discovers it’s unlocked. Opening the door the wind takes it from her hands and blows it open, the air rushes in and the brief glimpse she got before the wind blew the fire out in the fireplace was that of a workshop, carpenter was the first thought that popped into her head. As her otherworldly senses kicked in a few moments after the fire winked out, Discordia spotted the body near the fireplace just before the blood smell reached her nose. 

“Another dead one in here.” Discordia alerts the group

“Whatever is going on here is bad, I think we should press on and find shelter elsewhere.” Lord Horatius says

“Maybe there’s something inside we can use? I’m going to check it out.” Tethys states

Slyphwhisper stays by the door as the rest of the group gets the fire relit. The dead body is that of a middle-aged man with a gaping hole in his chest, in his hand is a half completed marionette. The small wooden doll missing it’s lower half. The room is lavishly furnished with plush couches and chairs and a well built darkwood dinner table near the fireplace. A stairway to a lower level was just beyond the dinner table and light streamed up those stairs to the ground floor. 

“I’m going to see what’s downstairs.” Tethys announces

Discordia and Lord Horatius move to join her as Slyphwhisper and Penelope search the ground level with Captain Eterie and the rest of the freed hostages. Penelope tries the closet by the door but finds it won’t budge, looking for a lock she discovers the door has been glued shut. Calling the rest of the group upstairs to investigate this odd feature, Penelope notes that the entire  door has been sealed in glue.

“Tanglefoot glue, I’d know that smell anywhere.” Slyphwhisper notes

Perplexed looks wash over the group, “oh my god.” Penelope mutters

Slyphwhisper looks up to see the women staring behind him, spinning around the gnome catches the sight of the couch swing through the air before it connect with his small frame and the gnome is eject from the house through the shut front door. A shout of “zombie!” was the last thing he heard before his head skidded across the dampened ground and was covered in muck.


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## Hairy Minotaur (Apr 1, 2010)

*The Enemy Within*

Slyphwhisper spat out mud and blood from his smashed mouth, shards of glass fell out of his hair as he rolled onto his knees. The rain was thrumming his throbbing skull as he tried to get his bearings. He spied the well off to his right and remembered where he was finally, he slowly turned back to trace his flight path through the window behind him. The zombie was using the divan as a club, swinging wildly at anything in front of it. The gnome could see the splashes of eldritch power behind the creature and guessed that Discordia was pummeling the thing from behind. Penelope ducked under a mindless swing as Captain Ettaire took the blow on her right side, instantly crumpling her right arm and cracking a few ribs. The woman went down wheezing and in pain. Tethys leapt off the stairs and began rummaging through the workspace at the back of the large room, looking for anything she could use against the creature. Lord Horatius tossed one of his flaming concoctions at the undead thing, he missed badly and watched as the vial sailed out through the broken window, it skidded across the muck and surfed snuggly up to Slyphwhisper’s feet. 

One of Penelope’s guards stepped up and drove his double headed ax into the sofa, trying to deflect the swinging club from sailing into his head. He hit the furniture piece true, however the brute force of the negatively charged creature overwhelmed the guard and as his ax stuck into the sofa, the undead creature continued its follow-through and the back blade of the ax proved to be his downfall. When the guard couldn’t overcome the strength of the undead and his skull was split in two from his own weapon being driven into his own head. Penelope screamed as the body of the guard collapsed next to her, still spasming in his death throws. Helga stepped up to next meet the challenge from the creature; it brought the divan back up towards the eclipse creator trying to backhand the woman away. The blow struck hard but was not powerful enough to push the human loadstone. Helga wrapped her arms around the sofa trying to grapple the weapon away from the creature. Lord Horatius threw another alchemist vial onto the thing and this time the vial erupted the creature in a glory of burning righteousness. Tethys found a secret stash of weapons the homeowner kept in hiding and grasping for the biggest thing she could find, she yanked out a large greataxe. Turning back to the melee, Tethys swung the blade above her and slammed the axe down into the back of the undead man. Discordia wasted no time in finishing off the creature, blasting a hole through the tear in the back Tethys had just created. 

Helga wrenched the sofa free from the hands of the undead creature and tossed it aside. Tethys rushed to help Captain Ettaire and mended the broken woman as best she could. Slyphwhisper returned battered and bloodied from the street outside and received help from Tethys as well. As the newly re-deceased body of the man cooked itself in the chemical fire sprung on it by Lord Horatius, Helga pushed and shoved the body into the fireplace where the stench wouldn’t overtake their gag reflex so easily. In the flickering light of the few candles that were lit, Discordia’s senses easily recognized the aura of the greataxe that Tethys held as magical.

“Were did you find that?” Discordia inquired of the nurse

“Back there in a cupboard somewhere, I wasn’t paying too close attention when I was rummaging through his kitchen.” Tethys answers

Dismayed, the tiefling women began going through the ravaged kitchen herself, although Discordia’s senses told her there were no other magics to be found there she searched nonetheless. Penelope curled up into ball against the fireplace wall and rocked silently as she watched the slowly growing puddle of red around the guard’s head. 

“What are you looking for?” the arsonist asked Discordia

“A reason, a sense of what’s going on here.” The warlock answered 

“Maybe there is none, I think we should collect wheezy and the other guy and get back to the road. Travel all night and deliver Penelope to her dad sooner than staying the night here would put us back. Any more of these attacks and she’s going to snap. She’s already in shock and there’s no cure for that, once she checks out of from reality she becomes a liability and a dangerous one for us at that.” Lord Horatius observes

“Did you get to see what was downstairs yet? Perhaps there’s an answer there, or if not maybe something for our trouble?” Slyphwhisper joins the conversation

“No, we never made it all the way down before you flew through the window. I don’t know if we want to find out what’s down there. Might be worse than what was up here.” Discordia counters

“Well, you said you wanted a reason. It might reside downstairs and my training compels me to seek out and explore strange new living areas and thoroughly devalue them through profiteering.” The gnome replies

“Fine, but someone needs to stay with her, I don’t want her wondering off into the night and end up dead or worse.” Discordia answered referring to Penelope

“Worse? What could be worse than dead?” Captain Ettaire asks

“Undead, slaad implantation, sex with a gibbering mouther, swallowed by a purple worm, an orc bard or a brothel owner in Olympus. All of those would be worse than death.” Tethys offers

“I don’t want to know how you compiled that list.” Discordia responds

“I do.” Lord Horatius speaks up

“I’ll watch her chief. I was thinking about taking a snack break away.” Helga offers

“You ate before we dismounted at the last house.” Slyphwhisper replies in disbelief

“Works for me, let’s see what secrets this guy’s basement holds.” Lord Horatius announces and trudges down the stairs

The basement smelled musty and damp and with the rainstorm outside made the smell almost overwhelming as they reached the last step. The dim light from their candles illuminated several rows of work tables one along each wall of the thirty foot wide room and another row down the middle of the room. Beneath the work tables several barrels were stored. On top of the tables exposed the homeowner’s hobby as dozens of marionettes hung motionless above the tables. None were painted and several looked to be hastily carved just to produce a body. 

“Uck. It smells like dead worms in here.” Tethys protests, covering her nose with her hand in a feeble attempt to ward off the stench.

“I smell chemicals, smells like glue.” Discordia proclaimed and slid up to the row of tables on the right.

“I’ve smelled this before; I’m trying to remember where. Tsk, I don’t know, I can’t remember right now. Maybe it’ll come back to me.” Slyphwhisper states and moves through the room staring up at the lifeless faces peering down at him. The gnome gets an unsettling feeling and an oppressive sense of being watched, “I don’t like it here, I’m going to quick check to see what’s in that back room there and then I want to get out of here.”

Slyphwhisper uses the increased distance from the candles to his advantage as his gnomish eyes adapt to the growing darkness. Gazing into the small room at the back of the basement, he finds a sluice drain and the floor very sticky. A strong acrid smell comes up from the floor as well, giving him the impression that something fruity was dumped down the drain here. Stepping into the room, he spies a ladder attached to the side of the sluice drain just wide enough from a child or a gnome to descend into the darkness below. Slyphwhisper looks over the edge of the drain and can see water rippling below, perhaps only ten feet down. Another observation is that the ladder seems to end just above the water level. As the gnome stares across the dark water he notices breaks in the rippling here and there and suspects the man must have dumped more than liquid down this hole and se silently wonders what “treasures” he might find down there. A quick glance back finds the rest of his compatriots messing around with the disgusting dolls. Slyphwhisper quietly scurries down the ladder and stands with his feet on the bottom rung.

Slowly extending his blade, Slyphwhisper inserts the tip into the fluid and then retracts it quickly. Bringing it up to his nose he sniffs it to see if he detects anything odd about it. After smelling nothing and noting how quickly the water ran up his blade, Slyphwhisper concluded that there was nothing to worry about and he dipped his leg into the water. The cold liquid quickly soaked his britches up to his waist and a slight shiver ran up his spine from the sudden coldness on his leg. He felt around for the floor but could not find it with his submerged foot. The gnome then decided to reach for something sticking out of the water a few feet from him, hoping it was resting on the floor of the well. His foot grazed it and the object bobbed and moved a little bit. A sly smile appeared on the gnome’s face as he concluded that the object was floating in the water and attached to the floor of the well via a chain. He imagined a grand chest filled with valuable gems or coins or maybe exotic silks.

His curiosity sufficiently stoked, Slywhisper swung out with both feet in an attempt to draw the floating object closer to him. The thing was long and round like a log and when his feet stomped on its near side it flipped over to reveal the decaying face of a human with its stomach blow out or eaten out from the inside. His revulsion at the sight was quickly washed away by small motes of red lights glowing in the dark water. The lights glided up and around the dead body to surround it as if in a glowing bed of roses. Mesmerized Slyphwhisper watched the spreading morass of red as the whole chamber lightened to a blood red tint. The gnome leaned over to get a good top-down look at the lights; they looked to be dark rubies encased in a pillow of gel. Slyphwhisper touched one with his blade and the clear membrane held up to the point of the blade. He was so intently focused on the one near his blade; he neglected to see an upwelling around his legs.

“HELP!”

The terrified screaming from the room Slyphwhisper was checking out rattled through the marionette room. Lord Horatius, Tethys and Discordia ran to the back of the room to find Slyphwhisper pulling himself out of an opened sewer grate. 

“One of them got on my skin! It burns!” 

“What? What are you talking about?” Lord Horatius tried to get info from the gnome as Slyphwhisper tried to rip his pant leg off.

“Something in the water.” Slyphwhisper got out as he took his blade and quickly and carelessly cut off his right trouser leg.

Discordia peered over the edge of the sluice and saw blood everywhere, in the color of the water, up the ladder, in the glow of the room below, “What the hell did you find?” Discordia asked as she turned back to the prone gnome as saw a large red blot on his leg. 

Lord Horatius tried to pry the gelled mass of the gnome’s leg but it foiled all attempts to remove it manually.

“Cut it off!” Slyphwhisper shouted and then he head flew back in pain as the red blob inside the gel quickly shrink away in size and the gel sloughed off his skin.

“What happen? It’s gone.” Lord Horatius proclaimed. However the shrieks of pain from Slyphwhisper’s mouth led Tethys to believe otherwise.

“It’s not gone, it entered his body.” The cleric realized and hefted her newly found greataxe over her head ready to chop.

“Wh-hh-hhat the hell are you doing? Put that thing down!” Slyphwhisper shouted

“What? You said cut it off, that’s what I’m going to do.” Tethys retorted

“Are you proficient with that thing?” Discordia inquired

“You’re not cutting my leg off!” The gnome whined

“Proficient? Pfft. I prayed for something big and dangerous to kill my foes with. My god provides, it’s as simple as that.” Tethys answers

“What? No!” Slyphwhisper protests

“Maybe that thing has him under its control? Maybe we should knock him out if he’s going to protest this much?” Lord Horatius interjects

“I’ll do it myself!” The gnome shouts and begins digging into his own flesh to pry the blob out, nearly overcome with pain and on the verge of passing out, Lord Horatius grabs the blade from Slyphwhisper.

“Move.” Tethys demands as she lines up a swing intended to amputate the gnome’s leg at the hip.

Lord Horatius watches the untrained cleric waver in her balance, “Gimme that thing, you can’t use it properly.”

“What are you talking about? I’m a cleric, we’re all about surgery and this is merely a large surgical instrument. Do you want me to go fishing for that thing with a toothpick or use something that’s going to get the job done with one swing?” Tethys counters

“One swing? One swing from you weaving like that is liable to decapitate the man!” Lord Horatius exclaims

Discordia watches as a slight bulge under the gnome’s skin begins crawling up his leg and passes the gnome’s knee. The warlock fires eldritch energy at the moving knot, burning Slyphwhisper’s leg and bringing the gnome back into consciousness.

“Why are you shooting at me?” Slyphwhisper demands

“He’s back.” Lord Horatius announces and kneels low towards the gnome, “listen, I’m going to try to pour alchemist fir.. grrk.” Slyphwhisper reached up with his small hands and begins to choke the hexblade before he could complete his thought.

Tethys kicks Lord Horatius out of Slyphwhisper’s grip in order to clear the path for her axe swing.

“Stop!” You’re not going anywhere near my leg with a greataxe!” Slyphwhisper cries and pleads for her to use the dagger 

“Fine. Baby.” Tethys affronts and slings the greataxe back over her shoulder and sits next to the gnome’s leg. She starts by poking the knot with her finger. Causing the blob to move further up Slyphwhisper’s leg, sending searing pain up and out the mouth of the gnome, causing Discordia to blast the knot again and causing Lord Horatius to shove the cleric out of the way. The hexblade stands over the leg with his short sword and stabs Slyphwhisper’s thigh just above the knot.

“Idiot. You missed the thing completely.” Tethys chides 

Lord Horatius snatches the dagger from Tethys’ hand and looks over to Slyphwhisper and gives a nod. The gnome reciprocates and Lord Horatius commences digging into the wound with the dagger. Slyphwhisper writhes and screams in agony.

“Shh… calm down, it’s only a little prick not much blood really.” Tethys tries to reassure Slyphwhisper as Lord Horatius severs the gnome's femoral artery and blood begins pumping into the air over the head of the kneeling hexblade causing Slyphwhisper to hurl insults of unmentionable nature.

“You know I can’t work under these conditions, you’re going to have to be quiet if you expect me to heal that when he’s done.” Tethys informs the gnome which turns the gnome’s hate speech to the cleric’s direction.

“Crap, he’s got a lot of blood in him.” Lord Horatius observes

Slyphwhisper’s world was quickly spinning into blackness. Lord Horatius finally produced the speared red blob on the end of the dagger for all to see. Tethys laid her healing hands over the geyser the gnome’s leg had become. The cleric worked every healing trick she knew and well the bleeding was staunched, the nasty gash in his leg remained and it would take several more sessions with the healer to get his leg back to normal use. 

Lord Horatius pulled the woozy gnome to his feet and prepped to lead him out of the basement, “stop, we have a problem.” Discordia announced

The rest of them looked up and failed to notice anything amiss right away, although they felt odd, out of sort. The hair on the backs of their necks stood up and they had the uneasy feeling of being watched closely. It was after several more seconds that they too spotted what Discordia had seen. All the marionette’s heads were turned towards them and all of their soulless dark eyes were focused right on them. 


Next Episode: Goo Me!


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## Hairy Minotaur (May 1, 2010)

*Gooey*

The small wooden dolls slowly and menacingly raised their right arms in unison, grasping the string that held them above the tables they cut their impediment and dropped to the tables. One loud rap on the wooden table signaled their freedom, permanent mocking grins belied the bloodlust that seeped from their painted eyes. Exaggerated chins and noses drew the eyes inward toward the mouth and inescapable doom. An army of marionettes now faced the heroes, intent on keeping the "treasure" below the basement a secret. Discordia weighed a stand and defend strategy with a run for the staircase strategy. Lord Horatius yelled out for help from the party they left upstairs as the dolls fell into lockstep and advanced on the heroes. Tethys pulled her arm free from around Slyphwhipser’s neck letting the gnome lean his weight fully on the arsonist and she came up behind Discordia.

“What the hell is this?” 

“Last line of defense, survive the water below and they activate, you notice they let us pass them, they let us get into the back room. Now they intend on making us permanent residents.”

“Help. Under attack down here!” Lord Horatius shouted again

“Don’t you even think about lighting this room up in another of your ill timed cocktail tosses.” Slyphwhisper advised Lord Horatius

Lord Horatius knew that a fire down here might cut off their only escape, but that didn’t stop him from fingering the top of the vial attached to his belt. It whispered tantalizing visuals to him, the room ablaze in orange, wooden dolls screaming in a silent pain of their death. Oh how wonderful that silence sounded, just the crackle of the fire and the warmth its burning of the room would feel to his outstretched hands. He could almost touch it, almost feel it, almost smell it and closing his eyes brought him that much closer. He ripped the vial free from its tenuous hold on his belt, in one defiant move the hexblade lifted the vial, pressed his thumb into the cork lid and flicked it out of neck of the vial. Slyphwhisper was amazed at not only the speed at which the vial was dislodged from Lord Horatius’ side but also by the audacity of the human to disregard the living still fighting to get out of the basement. 

Slyphwhisper flailed his right arm out towards Lord Horatius’ hand in an attempt to stop him from throwing the vial. The gnome’s fingers pushed the vial in a wider arc and instead of stopping the motion altogether, it caused he vial to flip wide to the right. The glass crashed onto the far right table and immediately ignited. The table and the marionettes upon it burst into flames. Unperturbed by the flames, the dolls advanced and a few seconds later a popping sound was heard then several small explosions as the dolls that had caught fire detonated. Flaming gel, expelled from the burnt dolls, caught the next table closer to the party. The mindless automatons pointed their sharp dirks at the party, heedless of the destruction around them. 

“Run!” Tethys shouted

Discordia was all over that plan and zipped to the other side of the room to the base of the stairs. Several of the marionettes leapt for the warlock but failed to connect. The floor between the rest of the party and a straight line to the door was now crawling with wooden dolls struggling to stand up. Tethys started after Discordia and got a few steps and halted as Lord Horatius left Slyphwhipser unsupported as he took off after the warlock in an attempt to save himself. Slyphwhisper took a painful step with his bad leg and yelped in pain, then collapsed. Lord Horatius leapt over Tethys and tried to span the distance over the dolls and land next to Discordia, he misjudged slightly. Landing in the midst of several marionettes, the small dolls turned and attacked the legs of the hexblade. Their tiny daggers barely scrapped his leg through his trousers. Each leg had three dolls wrapped around it as Lord Horatius slammed his fist into the heads of the highest ones on each side. Using their daggers as pitons the marionettes ascend Lord Horatius’ lower half. Tethys, pissed at the hexblade’s callousness, hefts up the gnome as the whole right side of the room is ablaze. Several dolls exploded, whatever their internal workings were built with pop and spray fluid in their immediate area fueling the fire further. 

Discordia aims from the bottom of the staircase and hits a doll hanging off of Lord Horatius’ waiste, frying half of its head. One-eyed and half a grin the doll jabbed its dagger into the ribs of Lord Horatius who was beginning to panic. Standing in the middle of the wooden posse while the fire slowly eats away more and more of the room, the hexblade pounds away on the shell of a head remaining on the doll that Discordia blasted while simultaneously trying to kick away more from climbing on and perhaps kick off a couple that were attached to him. He managed to get one caught on the bottom of his right foot, stomping hard he crushed the chest of the doll. Clear thick liquid oozed out over his foot, quickly turning opaque once it came in contact with the air. He stepped back still fighting off several small stab wounds from the remaining marionettes and found he could not move his right leg. His foot was encased in a white quickly hardening material. 

Slyphwhisper watched in sly amusement as he realized what that familiar smell was that he noticed when he first stepped into the basement, tanglefoot glue. Tethys shrieked as a marionette had snuck up behind her and lodged it’s dagger into her back and was repeatedly stabbing away trying to drive the blade deeper than the few centimeters it was only getting. Screaming and flailing in a circle as half the room was now ignited, Slyphwhisper begged her to stop spinning as he reached up and grasped the doll by it’s legs and attempted to pry it off the healer’s back. The gnome yanked the lower half of the doll off its body, tanglefoot glue leaked out from the opening in the lower torso coating Tethys’ vest and reducing its flexibility to that of a wooden plank. Tethys whipped off the vest and tossed it into the fire. Discordia blasted apart a marionette that had made its way to Lord Horatius’ shoulder, spewing the left side of the hexblade’s face with glue. Lord Horatius’ face was frozen in a twisted grimace of revulsion as he tried to fend off his tiny attackers while blinded in one eye. 

Slyphwhisper limp skipped his way under the table to his left which was against the north wall, having only to defend his right side, the gnome deftly made it passed the hexblade and hobbled up next to Discordia who was seriously contemplating retreat as she had nothing in her arsenal that could fight off the conflagration the threatened to take the rest of the room shortly. Turning to the gnome she barked out an order, “Get up there and find out why we’re not getting any support.”

The gnome nodded and clambered up the staircase as best he could, upon reaching the top most steps he relayed the bad news, “There’s no one left up here, I don’t know where they went!”

Lord Horatius was covered in small rivulets of blood, the panic in his worthless defense driving his heart rate up and exacerbating his bleeding problem. Tethys faced the prospect of wading through a morass of glue traps or burning alive in Lord Horatius’ stupidity. Choosing to go down with a fight, Tethys begins cutting a swath through the thicket of balsa wood dolls with her greataxe, so focused was she on the path she was cutting she failed to see the dolls still moving on the table to her right. In the blink of an eye a flaming mass shot towards her and landed on her chest. With murderous intensity the flaming doll struck for her heart and began stabbing into left breast. Alarmed at the fire on her chest, the cleric began beating out the fire, taking a hand off the hilt of the axe, her fervered attempts shattered the weakened doll’s casing and her hand quickly fastened itself to her blouse which now had caught fire from what was left of the doll that still drove for her heart. 

Discordia watched as Tethys caught fire, Lord Horatius was fatiguing and Slyphwhisper distancing himself from the basement by slowly creeping up the last few steps. Fleeing for her life was becoming the only option left. 

Tethys faced down death and struck back, ripping her hand free from her chest, ripping her blouse off in the process. Finding that she still had four moving fingers, she grasped the hilt of her axe again with a flaming gauntlet of glue and cotton. Keenly aware of how defenseless she had now made her torso, Tethys resumed her mowing down of the dolls in front of her. Her hand was in extreme pain and it crept up her arm as the flames licked at her elbow and chest. Discordia has missed the doll’s attack on Tethys as she was distracted by Slyphwhisper’s continued retreat and now as she looked at the cleric she was perplexed as to why the woman would think going topless and setting her arm on fire was a viable option. Discordia found herself inch by inch getting closer to the stairs as she continued to blast apart the dolls that were slowly overtaking the hexblade whose skin had turned a shiny red color that stained the floor beneath him.


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